A new longitudinal study strengthens previous evidence that parental sexual orientation has no notable impact on childhood development. While this is not the first investigation to find the sexual preferences of parents don’t affect children, it is the first to track childhood well-being in relation to parent sexual orientation over time.

About 65,000 adopted children in the United States have same-sex parents. This study’s results may help inform future policy decisions regarding same-sex parents.

Childhood Outcomes Not Linked to Parental Sexual Orientation

Published in the journal Developmental Psychology, the study followed 96 families with adopted school-age children as they moved through early and middle childhood. Parent combinations included a mix of heterosexual pairings and same-sex couples. The study tracked childhood behavior and adjustment along with family functioning and relationship variables.

The analysis found no significant differences between parent groups in any of the examined factors, including family characteristics and childhood outcomes. These findings are consistent with many previous studies that are similar in nature, but not longitudinal in design. According to the study, research has consistently found no differences between these parent types on several important measures, such as childhood stress levels and quality of mental health.

[fat_widget_right]It is possible that continuing academic concerns about same-sex adoptive parents are the result of an existing conflict in popular psychological theories. For example, family systems theory is in line with the observed results, as it contends family functioning is more important than family structure. In contrast, family stress theory generates predictions of differences between children of same-sex and opposite-sex couples.

Variables That Do Impact Childhood Outcomes

Several other variables were found to have a significant influence on childhood outcomes over time. Specifically, it was shown that child adjustment problems and high parental stress in earlier years can contribute to a child’s behavioral issues and problems in overall family functioning during middle school. These additional findings provide potential targets for future research.

References:

1. Farr, R. H. (2016). Does parental sexual orientation matter? A longitudinal follow-up of adoptive families with school-age children. Developmental Psychology. doi:10.1037/dev0000228
2. Farr, R. H., Forssell, S. L., & Patterson, C. J. (2010). Parenting and child development in adoptive families: Does parental sexual orientation matter? Applied Developmental Science, 14(3), 164-178. doi:10.1080/10888691.2010.500958
3. University of Kentucky. (2016, October 24). No differences noted over time for children of gay, lesbian, adoptive parents. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/10/161024104229.htm

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

You have to help me—I feel like I’m living a terrible nightmare! I am not the type to snoop, but recently I’ve been seeing signs my husband might be gay. There’s what I think is evidence on his phone of random meetups with men, pictures … and even one lengthy text exchange with a man at his company. I didn’t read the whole conversation, but it seems to be a developing relationship. They were flirting and talking about feelings, “seeing where this goes.”

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I’m devastated and confused, and unsure where to turn. My husband and I are rarely intimate, which is an issue we were trying to work on, since we’ve talked about starting a family. I still thought we cared about each other deeply. We get along well, laugh a lot, and typically have a policy of honesty with one another. Or I thought we did. We were good friends before getting together, and we always talked and shared everything. I do remember, years ago, him saying he’d had a fantasy about being with another guy, and I believe I responded supportively and nonjudgmentally. It wasn’t like I thought he was going to actually cheat on me, let alone with a man. I just thought it was a fantasy. I have fantasies of my own that I would never act out.

He doesn’t know I saw his phone, and I don’t know how to confront him about it all. I can’t imagine living with this information and just waiting for him to bring it up himself. Can we work through this? —Dazed and Confused

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Dazed,

It sounds like there are a couple of issues to tackle here. I hear your concerns about your husband’s sexual orientation, and I also hear some deep pain at the prospect of his cheating or being dishonest with you. Both sound like they are causing you significant distress.

I’d like to start first with the cheating issue. The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating and hard to come back from. No matter the circumstances, if you fear your husband has been unfaithful, or is even considering being unfaithful, that is a painful feeling to sit with. Staying silent is not likely to bring peace of mind. Waiting for him to bring it up leaves you in a holding pattern that can make you feel powerless. Confronting him, however, brings its own set of fears. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who can help you navigate through all of this with you as you decide what path to follow.

If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

As to your original concern, wondering if your husband is gay, that lends an additional layer of complexity to your situation. If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

Regardless, right now you are operating on suspicions, but without bringing your husband into the conversation there’s a huge missing piece. Perhaps he is, in fact, gay. Perhaps he wants to stay married and start a family, and also explore relationships with men. Without talking with him, you won’t know what he is thinking, which leaves you trying to respond to a situation with incomplete information.

You do have an opportunity to decide for yourself what your limits are and what you need in order to feel able to stay in a relationship with your husband. Talking with a therapist can help you gain clarity about what your needs and boundaries are. As for your final question—can you work through it?—that depends entirely on the two of you and whether your relationship can meet both of your needs. Figuring that out will require open and honest conversations, perhaps with a counselor who has worked with couples facing similar issues.

Best of luck,

Erika

Gender-nonconforming children—including those who are agender, transgender, bigender, gender fluid, or have other identities—are often met with parental rejection. A new study presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association explored the process through which parents may come to accept their gender-nonconforming children.

Exploring the Process of Parental Acceptance

Researchers from the University of California, Davis, followed 29 mothers and seven fathers with gender-nonconforming children. The study included 33 children between the ages of 5 and 16. Fourteen were trans girls, nine were trans boys, and 10 were gender-diverse boys.

Parental acceptance of transgender kids is often a slow process, the study found. Parents were quicker to notice gender nonconformance in children designated male at birth (DMAB) than children designated female at birth (DFAB). DFAB children were more typically labeled tomboys when they did not conform to gender stereotypes.

Parents of gender-nonconforming boys often attempted to set limits on when and where their children could present as girls, fearing discrimination and bullying. Parents often explained these guidelines in terms of practical rules, such as the weather being too cold to wear a dress. Parents were more likely to eventually relax these rules when they realized how unhappy their children were, researchers found.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers also found many mothers play a vital role in advocating for their gender-nonconforming children. They often will work to educate themselves on the subject, and many become experts on gender diversity to better identify resources for their children. Perhaps because more mothers than fathers participated in the study, researchers did not address whether fathers acted the same way.

The Effects of Parental Rejection on Transgender Children

Research consistently points to the damaging effects of rejection and stigma on gender-nonconforming kids. Half of transgender adolescents attempt suicide by their 20^th birthdays, and 41% of transgender adults attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Harassment, isolation, and bullying all figure prominently in suicidal thoughts and actions.

Statistics show transgender children whose parents reject them or try to “fix” them are especially vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression as well as at a higher risk for suicide.

References:

1. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
2. Study examines families’ journeys to accepting transgender children. (2016, August 23). Retrieved from http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-08/asa-sef081616.php
3. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

Despite some recent legal changes to protect the civil rights of LGBTQ+ people in some states, we continue to be the most common targets of hate crimes in the U.S. (Park and Mykhyalyshyn, 2016). No such crime has resonated in the public consciousness like the one that took place in the early hours of June 12, 2016 at a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, where 49 people were killed and 50 others injured by a lone gunman in “the deadliest attack on the LGBT community in U.S. history” (Ravitz, 2016).

The incident created a ripple effect of grief, fear, anger, and unity among those directly and indirectly affected by it. Through the bonds of shared trials and tribulations that come with being a marginalized group, the LGBTQ+ community provides vital safety and connection—a “family of choice,” if you will—for those who may not be accepted even within their families of origin. Because this connection is so deeply rooted, it only makes sense that the Orlando tragedy devastated and traumatized the whole of our community.

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Research has demonstrated that acts of terrorism erode “the sense of security and safety people usually feel” (Hamblen and Sloane, 2016). But what about people who weren’t accustomed to feeling safety and security in the first place? Even those of us in the LGBTQ+ community who have been able to legally marry our partners face conscious and unconscious threats and concerns on a daily basis: disclosing LGBTQ+ identity to coworkers/employers, choosing certain clothing options to avoid detection of our identity, researching how our community is treated in a given location before planning a trip, making split-second calculations as to whether it is safe to show even minimal forms of public affection. It is our complex set of collective experiences that places us at risk for having our previous experiences of aggression and microaggression triggered by an act of violence like the one in Orlando.

Guarding Against Secondary Trauma

Those of us in the helping professions have been trained to guard ourselves against vicarious trauma. This type of secondary trauma is the “emotional residue of exposure that counselors have from working with people as they are hearing their trauma stories and become witnesses to the pain, fear, and terror that trauma survivors have endured” (American Counseling Association, 2011). However, secondary trauma is a concern for anyone, not just mental health professionals. According to a 2015 study, individuals viewing traumatic events through various forms of media are susceptible to trauma-related symptoms despite having no direct connection or experience of the traumatic event (British Psychological Society, 2015).

So what can we do to cope in the aftermath of Orlando? First, it’s a good idea to check in with loved ones and ourselves and notice if there have been changes to daily routines (such as eating and sleeping) and functioning (concentration, racing thoughts or worries, increased startle responses, etc.). If there have been changes, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (2015) recommends the following self-care approaches:

• Be gentle with yourself: Know that negative responses following exposure to traumatic events are normal and these symptoms often fade.
• Try to relax: Meditation, practicing mindfulness, listening to music, reading, spending time outdoors, spending time with pets, and exercising are just a few ways to unwind.
• Get some support: Lean on family and friends for emotional support. It may be a good time to locate a therapist as an additional resource.
• Know that some activities won’t help: Avoid turning to substances, reacting with violence, or pretending you aren’t struggling.
• Limit exposure to various forms of media: Don’t glue yourself to the television or internet where you’re likely to see coverage of the event. Consider limiting yourself to reading about updates for a specific amount of time once per day (British Psychological Society, 2015).

We can also borrow from the tips given to professional helpers to transform trauma into something positive. The Headington Institute, specializing in helping humanitarian workers cope with the traumas they witness, has several tips for achieving this transformation (Ashimoto, 2014):

• Deepen your humanity: Take stock of the collection of positive and negative experiences you see around you and try to engage with empathy. Share the resulting thoughts and observations with someone you trust as a means of gaining greater insight into your own process and, in turn, deepening your relationship with that person.
• Increase your spiritual vitality: While this may mean visiting your chosen place of worship, it can also mean reconnecting with your own “spirit,” in whatever form that might take. You may want to try listening to music, getting out into nature, and practicing being present in your environment by focusing on how your senses experience your surroundings.
• Examine your beliefs: Learn how to challenge negative thoughts with evidence that contradicts those thoughts. An example specific to this tragedy would be focusing on the positive ways it has brought together the LGBTQ+ community and our allies.

As a therapist and a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I challenge my “family of choice” and our allies to transform this trauma, even as we mourn.

References:

1. American Counseling Association. (2011). Fact Sheet #9: Vicarious Trauma. Retrieved from http://www.counseling.org/docs/trauma-disaster/fact-sheet-9—vicarious-pdf?sfvrsn=2
2. Ashimoto, F. (2014, October, 6). Transforming vicarious trauma [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.headington-institute.org/blog-home/433/transforming-vicarious-trauma
3. British Psychological Society. (2015, May 6). Viewing violent news on social media can cause trauma. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/05/150506164240.htm
4. Hamblen, J., & Sloane, L. (2016, February, 23). Research findings on the traumatic stress effects of terrorism. Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/trauma/disaster-terrorism/research-findings-traumatic-stress-terrorism.asp
5. Park, H., & Mykhyalyshyn, I. (2016, June, 16). G.B.T. people are more likely to be targets of hate crimes than any other group. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/06/16/us/hate-crimes-against-lgbt.html?_r=1
6. Ravitz, J. (2016, June, 17). Before Orlando: the (former) deadliest LGBT attack in US history. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/16/health/1973-new-orleans-gay-bar-arson-attack/
7. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (2015, August, 14). Coping with traumatic stress reactions. Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/coping-traumatic-stress.asp

I hear your frustration coming through loud and clear and it is totally understandable. You’ve been out to everyone for over two decades and feel deeply liberated by it. You know you’d like to celebrate your love and commitment to your partner publicly, but instead you feel pressured to speak about nonexistent women you are dating. The contrast between how you and he are living your lives could not be more stark. Since you are also sharing your lives, there is bound to be discomfort for each of you as you try to bring the other over into your way of being.

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This is a deeply complicated issue and one that is threatening not just to your relationship but also to each of your identities. You identify as a proud and out gay man, and this relationship is pushing you back into the “closet” to a degree.

This is a deeply complicated issue and one that is threatening not just to your relationship but also to each of your identities. You identify as a proud and out gay man, and this relationship is pushing you back into the “closet” to a degree.

Although American society has made progress over the past 30 years with regard to LGBT rights and acceptance—legally marrying your partner, for instance, was impossible until relatively recently—there is no question that discrimination and stigma are still problematic for many. Perhaps a large part of your partner’s identity is connected to his work, and if coming out costs him his work, he may feel like he is losing a large part of himself. This may be creating a power struggle in your relationship as you each try to hold on to your identities. Even if that’s not the case, it is clear this situation creates discomfort for you in your relationship.

Considering the depth of these issues, partnering with a couples therapist could be invaluable for the two of you. Through couples work, you could each explore these identity issues and how they impact your relationship. Engaging in the process together might offer an opportunity for each of you to develop a stronger sense of empathy for the other’s position.

If your partner is unwilling to go to therapy with you, you can engage in your own therapy to explore some of these issues and have the support of a therapeutic relationship as you try to figure out what you would like to do to feel more at peace.

Kind regards,

Sarah

Let’s all be real for a moment and face the fact there is often a lot of pressure from friends, family, coworkers, and others for a gay person to be in a relationship, especially now that marriage equality laws are on the books. In the LGBT community, as in other communities, finding the “perfect partner” is considered by many to be the holy grail. It’s not an especially fair or reasonable expectation, however, and some people who prefer the single life are left feeling compelled to defend their choice.

What’s to defend, really? Pressure and Hollywood fantasies aside, maybe, just maybe, it’s OK to be single. Being on your own doesn’t have to be a shameful or isolating story; instead, it can be a celebration of your growth and development as an individual.

Without further ado, here are five reasons why it’s good to be single and gay:

1. You have the opportunity to get to know yourself better.

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As a single person, the opportunity to explore who you are and how you want to be in your world is an amazing luxury. There is no need to morph yourself to a partner’s ideal, and you have room to discover who you are, what you want, and what you need. As Oscar Wilde said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Being single offers time not only for introspection that allows you to explore aspects of yourself needing attention, but to actively pursue those things as well.

2. You are fully responsible for the big decisions in your life.

Change jobs, travel the world, or buy a new car, if you like. Guess what? The only person on the line for these decisions is you. This single-minded energy can be incredibly invigorating and empowering. When you make a life-changing decision on your own, it is a chance to build personal power and take responsibility for creating the life you want. And if the choice falls through or proves untenable? You still get to take ownership, learn, and grow from the experience.

3. You can spend more time with friends.

As a single person, friends are likely the most important part of your support network, right up there with family. Unlike family, whom you did not choose, your friends are the people you purposefully drew into your life to grow with, learn from, and have fun with. Cherish those relationships and nurture them so they flourish regardless of whether you stay single long-term. Let your friends remind you how much fun they are—and how much fun you are. Lean on them when you need to.

4. You can prioritize self-care without a hint of guilt.

As a single person, you likely have more time and energy to devote to taking better care of yourself. Whether it’s going to the gym, joining an activity group, attending yoga classes, or simply reading more for pleasure or taking long baths, the only well-being you have to manage is your own. Enjoy the extra “you” time—something many people in relationships envy—and use it to elevate your mood, reduce your stress, or develop rewarding new skills and hobbies.

5. You may become more resilient and confident.

Sometimes life gets tough and we start to doubt our choices and ourselves. As a single person, this energy can feel overwhelming and perhaps lead to lack of self-confidence. At the same time, you and only you are making the tough choices that must be made to survive tough times. When you face difficult choices head-on and get through them, unscathed or otherwise, you build resilience and confidence that you’re strong enough to face most anything.

All of the above, and plenty more that didn’t make the list, are reasons it’s not only good but exciting and invigorating to be single and gay. So when you feel the pressure from the world around you to find a partner and “settle down,” honor your inner voice and remember that the grass is pretty green on your side of the fence, too. Plus, you have it all to yourself.

Real friends are supportive of one another. You may think that the buddies you hang out with are the ones you need, but I think they are just the ones that are around—friends of convenience more than friends of the heart. Even if they really are good friends in many ways, I hope you’ll be able to find friends you can be real with, as they can be with you.

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These two are not enough for you; you’re not satisfied, nor should you be. It might behoove you to step around a bit, gently challenge your tendency to be alone, reach out, and try to connect with other people. One or two more people to hang with might make a big difference, especially if they are genuine and expect you to simply be yourself. That might sound difficult, and for many introverted people, it is indeed difficult. It sounds like you could really benefit from connection, though, and connection does take some effort and perhaps even discomfort. That discomfort is not unique to you; many people struggle with finding people they can click with. There are websites, of course, that try to assist with this, and to minimize any angst involved.

In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren’t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You’re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.

In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren’t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You’re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.

How can you find real friends? You say you are shy and introverted and that making friends is difficult; I can feel what that’s like, and it gets lonely sometimes. (On the other hand, the ability to enjoy being alone and introspective can be a gift.) What can you do, though, when you want to hang out with somebody? Some people find a place or a person or a situation where help is needed and then they provide it. They might join an organization devoted to feeding the homeless, for example, and volunteer their services. Or they might join the service society in their school. If you need help, give help, as you’ll probably wind up getting help.

If you’re with people who have a purpose that’s directed outward, and your attention is directed outward too, it is a bit easier to be friendly because you have a common goal, which gives you all something to talk about. Another benefit of a common goal is that it can take everybody’s attention away from themselves and turn the focus instead to an activity that will help them arrive at the goal. This makes many people feel more comfortable, as the situation expands to include much outside of themselves. The idea is to find something that is bigger than yourself, which helps you feel less self-conscious, eventually, and gives you something that bonds you together with others.

Finding a group that bonds around a common interest can help, too. This interest could be anything—music, chess, old movies, basketball. Look around and you’ll find a place for yourself, or you’ll make a place for yourself and find that others may join you. After all, you’re not the only person feeling shy and introverted; others feel that way, too.

What you give can be what you get, so my recommendation is to find somebody who needs a friend and be one for that person.

Best wishes,
Lynn

When a friend or family member tells you they are transgender, or trans, it can be hard to figure out the best way to show support. Trans issues have recently become part of the mainstream conversation in the United States, from  Caitlyn Jenner’s widely publicized transition to Laverne Cox’s appearance on the cover of Time. As more trans people feel comfortable sharing their stories, their friends and families are growing and changing with them.

The word “transgender” describes a gender identity that is different than the one someone is born into. Gender identity is the internal experience that we all have of our maleness or femaleness (or both, or neither). For most people, this experience is aligned with their biological sex. People who identify as trans have a different experience.

Many allies feel confused about how they can best support a friend or family member who tells them they are trans. Such conflict can come about for any number of reasons, including feelings of embarrassment talking about trans issues, not knowing what language or terminology to use, or not wanting to offend. With that in mind, here are five ways to support someone you love who identifies as trans:

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1. Listen Closely and Trust Their Experience

Every trans person has a different experience of gender and their transition. When a trans person shares their story with you, it’s a gift. It means they trust you enough to share something so fundamentally important to them. And their experience might not be what you expect.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

2. Use Their Language

Language is personal, and the only way to know how someone identifies is to listen to how they talk about themselves. You don’t necessarily need to know all the terms related to transgender to be supportive; you just need to respect and try to use the ones your friend or loved one prefers. Some people have a word they closely identify with. For example, they might feel like the umbrella term trans describes them best. Other terms they might use include transgender, transsexual, trans man, trans woman, female-to-male (FTM), male-to-female (MTF), or genderqueer, among others.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

Trans people may also have a preferred pronoun. Possible pronoun choices may include he/him, she/her, ze/hir, and they/them. Ze/hir and they/them (used to refer to an individual, not a group) are gender-neutral pronouns and are being used by more and more people who don’t feel like he/him or she/her adequately describe them.

Your friend or family member might also choose a new name. They might even change it two or three times as they attempt to find a name that feels like a good fit. Using a trans person’s chosen name shows love and respect and is important, even when change feels hard.

3. Do Some Research

If you want to know more about trans identities in general, the best way is to learn is to do some simple research. Just like it’s not your job to tell others what it’s like to be ______ (fill in your own gender identity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, race, etc.), your friend might not want to educate others about their experience.

Unless specifically invited to do so, it’s never appropriate to ask anyone (including a trans person) personal questions about their body or sexuality. This doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be curious or want to know more. Fortunately, we have a lot of great resources available at our fingertips. Many trans activists post video blogs on YouTube both about their personal experiences and to answer questions for people who just want to know more.

4. Get the Support You Need

Learning that someone you know is transgender can bring up a lot of feelings, especially if it’s a close family member such as a child or parent. It’s OK to have all of those feelings, and it’s important that you find the supports you need to sort through them and understand your own experience. Your family member or friend may not be able to be this support person for you.

Many family members I’ve worked with have found support through working with their own therapist or connecting with groups such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and TransYouth Family Allies (TYFA). Connecting with a therapist is a great place to start.

5. Practice Active Allyship

Trans family members and friends are counting on you to help them make this a safe and friendly world for people of all gender identities. Trans people often face oppression and discrimination from their medical providers, schools, employers, housing, places of worship, and families.

Being an ally means consistently noticing and challenging transphobia and ignorance both in yourself and the world around you. This can mean telling someone that a joke isn’t funny, asking a trans friend what they need when someone uses the wrong name or pronoun, or participating in events and rallies in support of the rights of trans people.

What it looks like to support a trans family member or friend can vary greatly from person to person. In many ways, it looks exactly the same as being a good friend or support to anyone who is going through a significant life change. What are some ways you can support transgender people in your own life and community? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Bruce Jenner, former Olympic athlete and reality star, has made recent headlines. After months (or longer) of tabloid and entertainment news speculation, Jenner publicly came out in an April 2015 interview with ABC News‘ Diane Sawyer, identifying as transgender. No doubt the episode sparked public interest and a great deal of conversation. In fact, in the days immediately following the Jenner interview, Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression was the most-viewed link on the American Psychological Association (APA) website. Considering the high number of hits, assumptions could be made that the general public is seeking more information on transgender identities and transitioning.

To better understand what transgender means, it is important to make the distinction between sexual orientation and gender identity, which are frequently and erroneously used interchangeably. Sexual orientation is our romantic, physical, emotional, and relational attraction to another, and includes labels such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual. Gender identity, on the other hand, refers to our internal sense of being male, female, or another gender identity.

Someone who identifies as transgender experiences a lack of conformity between their sense of gender and the societal standards of their assigned birth sex. Cisgender is the term used to describe someone whose sense of gender conforms to the societal standards associated with their assigned birth sex. What does “assigned birth sex” mean? In most cases, a doctor “assigns” our sex based on our visible anatomy appearing to be that of a boy or girl. Without undergoing extensive and expensive genetic, chromosomal, and hormonal testing, most people do not know what their true biological sex is.

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Although Jenner is all over the news, transgender identities are not a new phenomenon. It is probably not a stretch to say that transgender individuals have always existed. Many accounts, such as those documented in the book Transgender Emergence (Lev, 2004), detail transgender individuals throughout historical and modern times and across a diversity of cultures.

If transgender identities have always been around, one could question why transgender individuals are often treated like second-class citizens. Well, in looking at history, before Western colonization, in some cultures, those with transgender identities enjoyed inclusion and reverence within their communities. For example, in Native American culture, individuals identifying as “two-spirit,” who are thought to encompass both male and female qualities, were once well revered within their culture. However, after Western colonization, social value and reverence were stripped from transgender identities.

And if you are still wondering why transgender individuals do not have full respect in society although transgender identities have existed for thousands of years, recognize that other groups, such as women and ethnic minorities, have been around for a long time too, but continue to endure less than equal treatment.

There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

Jenner is 65 years old, a parent, and until recently was married to a woman. Some might wonder why it took Jenner so long to come out. There are several explanations for this. There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

In general, the U.S. is more accepting of diverse identities today than at any other time in its history, yet transgender individuals encounter high rates of verbal, psychological, and physical victimization and violence. Now consider the atmosphere and attitude toward transgender individuals 20, 30, or 40 years ago; for many older adults, the threats to their physical and emotional safety were true barriers to transitioning at younger ages. Also, consider the financial costs. Would there have been endorsement deals and commercial shoots if Jenner came out in 1976?

Accessibility to information also impacts coming out. Today, there is greater transgender awareness and there are more transgender individuals in the media. Today’s youth have more access to information regarding gender identity and transitioning than their predecessors. Furthermore, transitioning can be an expensive endeavor that may not have been an affordable option when older transgender individuals were younger. All transgender-identifying individuals do not desire to pursue a physical transition. For those who do, depending on the transgender individual’s desire for transitioning, hormonal therapy, surgeries, and other costly procedures may have prevented them from making any physical transitions until later in life. Finally, in regard to parenting and marital status, gender identity has little to do with someone’s desire to parent or marry, making it very reasonable that someone may transition or come out as transgender after marrying and childrearing.

Jenner’s children were asked how they felt about their father’s transgender identity. Like other families in which a parent transitions, they acknowledged undergoing a transitional process themselves. The family has to adjust to appearance and gender expression changes, adopt new pronouns, and may have considerations regarding marital status. The families of transgender individuals are not immune from experiences of prejudice and discrimination that were previously unknown to them. Family members can be asked invasive questions, feel alienated by those who are not supportive of their family member’s transition, or experience the financial byproduct of discrimination. For example, many states do not include gender identity in housing and employment nondiscrimination policies. So if a parent is fired for being transgender, their child may no longer be able to afford to attend college.

Initial stages of a family’s transition may be challenging and confusing, but later stages in family transition may include acceptance of their loved one’s identity and providing a supportive and safe environment that is respectful to all gender identities. A safe environment allows space to grieve perceived loss and welcome mental wellness and gender affirmation. Fortunately, there are a growing number of resources to help families who have loved ones who are transitioning and to support the family’s transition.

Reference:

Lev, A. I. (2004). Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working with Gender-Variant People and Their Families. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.

Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

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Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.