Pride has earned a permanent spot in corporations’ branding and social media presence starting in June. That certainly speaks to the success of hard-won cultural and legal battles over the years, but it’s also a time to reflect, learn, and take action on some of the most pressing issues facing LGBTQ individuals today. That could involve diving deeper on how you can be more authentic and accepting in your own life or perhaps reading about the top societal concerns in the community today.   

 History of Pride  

Lively parades and rainbow-themed parties often come to mind when people think of Pride, but the celebration has a much deeper and more meaningful past. On June 28, 1969, protestors fought back over a six-day period when police officers attempted to raid the New York City club — known to be a haven to the LGBTQ community — as same-sex relationships and gatherings were not just frowned upon, but illegal in many cases. The event is often credited with turbocharging gay and trans rights activism in the country. A year after what’s now dubbed the Stonewall Uprising, on June 28, 1970, community activists commemorated the anniversary, which is the genesis for the Pride celebrations we know and love today.  

But it’s important to remember, that while many current-day celebrations are fun and lighthearted in nature, it wasn’t always that way. It took decades before dedicated activism resulted in hard-won legal victories, such as legalizing gay marriage at the federal level in 2015. Within that period of time, many LGBTQ individuals lost relationships with loved ones, lost their jobs, and dealt with high rates of depression and anxiety as a result of having to hide a fundamental part of their identity.  

Let’s take a look at some of the ways to celebrate Pride that simultaneously celebrate how far we’ve come while also staying informed about the work ahead.   

Taking Pride as an Individual 

Pride can be expressed in a myriad of ways.   

For many, the journey to self-acceptance has been riddled with emotional pain along the way, and it’s only been relatively recently — really the last decade — that gay marriage was legalized, and society began looking down on slurs or feeding into negative stereotypes.  

But while we have undoubtedly made progress in establishing equal rights for all individuals, the fight isn’t over. There are still large swaths of the country where identifying as LGBTQ is not accepted, looked down upon, or even dangerous. About 45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide between 2021 and 2022, according to a Trevor Project survey — much higher than the national average rate among youth. Fewer than one-third of trans and non-binary youth considered their home gender-affirming, the survey also showed.  

And there remain many communities — for example, some religious sects — where being openly gay, trans or gender non-conforming comes with serious social repercussions. For instance, classes, camps, and seminars on how to change one’s sexuality still persist throughout the U.S. Worldwide, there are still many countries where being with someone of the same sex, or identifying as a gender different than what was assigned at birth, is even illegal. According to a GLAAD study, seven out of 10 LGBTQ individuals reportedly experienced discrimination between 2021 and 2022, up 11% from the year prior and a 24% increase from 2020. The majority of transgender non-binary people don’t feel safe in their own neighborhoods.  

 If you identify as LGBTQ and feel safe being out and living authentically, then consider using this month as a time of reflection and celebration in the following ways:  

Express gratitude:

Find time to appreciate your own persistence in remaining true to yourself, not to mention any loved ones who helped and supported you in your journey. Think about the sacrifices both you and others have made so that we can live in a society with more enshrined rights for LGBTQ individuals. Perhaps find a few moments to journal, pray, or meditate at some point during the month.   

Volunteer:

Giving back is the best way to feel connected to the community. Offer your time at a nonprofit organization, whether it’s mentoring LGBTQ youth, organizing Pride events, or even assisting seniors.  

Stay educated:

Learn about LGBTQ history but also current issues impacting the community, whether they have political or social implications.   

Seek therapy:

If you are living in a place where it isn’t safe to be out, know that there are ways to seek guidance and help. For example, finding a therapist, whether in-person or online, is a safe, confidential way to start living a more fulfilled, authentic life.  

 Therapy is also beneficial for those who are out but may still struggle with the process or deal with loved ones who are not accepting.  

Taking Pride as an Ally  

Even if you don’t consider yourself a part of the LGBTQ+ community, you can still celebrate Pride. The month is a symbolic time meant to evoke our own individual authenticity, and that looks different to each person.  

Stay educated:

Some allies may choose to learn more about important LGBTQ+ figures and milestones in the fight for equality. Reading memoirs and watching documentaries are a great way to understand the rich tapestry of the community and the sacrifices made to get to where we are today. It’s also meaningful to stay up-to-date on current challenges the community faces, whether they’re political, religious, or cultural struggles.  

Support LGTQ-owned businesses:

We’re all creatures of habit, and that means trying out a new restaurant or dive bar is not always top-of-mind. But this month, try to find an LGBTQ-owned business to support.  

Check-in with your LGBTQ friends and family:

Many are fortunate enough to be out and proud, but you may be surprised how many individuals can still struggle to come to terms with their sexuality and/or gender, even if they’ve come out. Or perhaps they’re dealing with stress stemming from non-accepting family members or friends. Take an extra moment in your day to call or text your friends or relatives to see if there is any way you can support them.  

Volunteering for events or organizations that support the community is also an ideal way to build relationships, which leads to better allyship.  

And remember, Pride month is about celebrating and accepting yourself and others as they are, whether or not you are part of the LGBTQ community.  

Transgender kids face alarming rates of bullying and abuse. GLSEN’s 2017 National School Climate Survey found 83.7% of trans and 69.9% of gender nonconforming (GNC) students experience bullying at school.

Bullying can erode self-esteem, increase isolation, and make it more difficult for a child to assert their gender identity. Some bullied children become depressed and suicidal. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that any involvement with bullying—whether as a victim, bully, or both—raises a child’s risk of suicidal behavior.

Parents, educators, and other adults have significant power to reduce bullying and support trans kids at school.

Transphobia Statistics

Transphobia is animus toward transgender people. It can cause bullying, physical aggression, and other forms of abuse.

Research consistently finds that gender-related discrimination is a problem in schools. GLSEN’s annual National School Climate Survey looked at over 23,000 children in grades 6-12. The study found 42.1% of trans and GNC kids are prevented from using their preferred pronouns. Nearly half of these kids (46.5%) are forced to use the wrong bathrooms.

Other research has found high rates of transphobic bullying.

• Research published in 2017 found trans kids are two to three times more likely than their peers to be bullied.
• A 2016 survey of adult transgender individuals found 60% have avoided public restrooms because they feared confrontation and bullying.
• A 2012 survey found 61% of students have heard peers make negative remarks about gender expression. The same survey found 27% of students face physical abuse because of their gender expression.

Creating a Safe Environment for Trans Kids

Many parents and educators worry that there’s nothing they can do to stop transphobic bullying. Yet research consistently finds that creating an inclusive, gender-affirming environment can greatly reduce bullying. Even when kids are bullied in these environments, they may feel more comfortable reaching out to an adult than they would in less inclusive environments.

According to GLSEN, students at inclusive schools with curricula that feature LGBTQ-affirming content are less likely to experience bullying, hear transphobic remarks, or feel unsafe at school. They are also less likely to be forced to use the wrong bathrooms or the wrong pronouns. Inclusive curricula can also raise self-esteem, reduce the risk of depression, and even improve grades.

Some strategies that promote a safe environment for trans kids include:

• Creating a trans-inclusive curricula. Schools can participate in LGBT History Month, feature notable transgender historic figures, and discuss transgender history and civil rights with students.
• Asking students about their preferred pronouns or names and then using them
• Educating teachers, school counselors, and others who work with students about transgender issues.
• Establishing safe spaces, such as counselor’s offices, where students can safely discuss gender issues and bullying.
• Refusing to tolerate any bullying or transphobia, even from teachers or other adults.

Parents who want to support a transgender child should urge their child’s school to promote an inclusive environment that actively works to prevent transgender discrimination. At home, parents can help by allowing children to assert their own gender identity in a safe, judgment-free zone.

It is important to let the child determine what gender means to them. Parents should avoid reinforcing gender stereotypes or rigid gender ideologies. For example, a trans girl does not need to turn her entire wardrobe pink in order to “prove” she is a girl. No toy or clothing should be off limits to anyone solely because of gender.

Parents can also support their trans or GNC children by introducing them to the wider LGBT community. They may read books with their child that feature people of many gender identities and presentations. They may identify trans or GNC role models for kids to learn about. They may also help their children meet other trans kids through support groups, trans camps, and other communities.

Lastly, parents may wish to educate themselves about transgender history and issues. Children pick up on what parents believe, not just what they say. Parents who are uncomfortable with their child’s gender presentation may inadvertently stigmatize their child. Education can help parents reevaluate their own ideas about gender and become better advocates for their children.

Understanding Your Child’s Rights

Federal, state, and local laws determine a student’s legal rights. Trans students in some states have more protections than students in other states. Individual schools may extend additional rights to trans students.

Many courts have ruled that transgender individuals are protected under Title IX. This federal law forbids schools from discriminating against students based on their sex or gender expression. Under Title IX, transgender and GNC students have the right to:

• Be protected from bullying, harassment, and violence.
• Use restrooms and locker rooms that match their gender identity.
• Be called the correct name and pronouns.
• Dress and present themselves according to their gender identity (so long as they follow the general school dress code).
• Access the same educational opportunities and school events as other students.
• Maintain their medical privacy, including the right not to disclose being transgender.

However, not all states share this interpretation of Title IX. According to the American Civil Liberties Union, only 17 states have laws explicitly protecting transgender students from harassment and discrimination. These include Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington. The District of Columbia also has anti-discrimination laws.

Even between these states, the extent of civil protections can vary. For example, only California, Connecticut, and Washington currently allow transgender students to join school sports teams consistent with their gender identity. School districts within a state may also vary in their policies.

The rights of transgender students at school are continually evolving. Parents who worry their child is facing discrimination should consider consulting a lawyer who specializes in educational law or who has experience with transgender issues.

How Therapy Can Help Transgender Kids

Therapy can offer immense support to transgender kids and their families. Family counseling can help a family identify strategies for supporting a child’s gender identity and fighting back against bullying. When family members do not fully understand or accept a child’s trans identity, family therapy can educate them and encourage acceptance.

Individual counseling can help transgender kids who struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety due to bullying. The right therapist can also affirm a child’s gender identity and point them toward trans role models and literature. In therapy, a child can learn that being trans is not a mental health problem or a weakness, but an important component of a person’s identity that should be respected and celebrated.

You can find a therapist here.

References:

1. GLSEN 2017 National School Climate Survey. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.glsen.org/article/2017-national-school-climate-survey-1
2. Know your rights: Transgender people and the law. (n.d.) ACLU. Retrieved from https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/transgender-people-and-law
3. McKay, T., Misra, S., & Lindquist, C. (2017). Violence and LGBTQ+ communities: What do we know, and what do we need to know? RTI International. Retrieved from https://www.rti.org/sites/default/files/rti_violence_and_lgbtq_communities.pdf
4. Supporting transgender and gender diverse students in schools [PDF]. (2015). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/safe-supportive/lgbt/school-administrators.pdf
5. The relationship between bullying and suicide: What we know and what it means for schools [PDF]. (2014). Chamblee: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/bullying-suicide-translation-final-a.pdf
6. Trotta, D. (2016, December 08). U.S. transgender people harassed in public restrooms: Landmark survey. Reuters. Retrieved from https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-lgbt-survey/u-s-transgender-people-harassed-in-public-restrooms-landmark-survey-idUSKBN13X0BK
7. What are my rights at school? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://transequality.org/know-your-rights/schools

According to research published in 2004, about 1% of British respondents identify as asexual. Other studies from the early 2000s estimate similar rates of asexuality in the United States. As asexuality becomes more visible, however, the number of people who identify as asexual may grow.

Asexuality is a spectrum, not a single homogeneous identity. People on the asexuality spectrum often refer to themselves as “ace.” Asexuality is not a fear of sex. While some asexual people have trauma histories, sexual trauma does not cause asexuality. The right sexual experience or partner will not change someone’s asexual orientation.

Therapy can help people better understand their sexual orientation, deal with stigma and discrimination, and communicate across differences in sexual desire and orientation. Begin your search for a therapist here.

What’s the Difference Between Romantic Attraction and Sexual Attraction?

For sexual people, romantic and sexual attraction tend to co-occur. So separating romantic and sexual attraction can seem foreign or even impossible. But both sexuality and romantic feelings exist on a continuum.

Asexuals may experience romantic attraction but little or no sexual desire. Or they may experience neither romantic or sexual attraction. Many asexuals use the term “aromantic” to denote a person who has no romantic interest.

A 2011 survey estimates at least 55% of asexuals have some romantic feelings.

• 22% identified as heteroromantic (having romantic feelings for the opposite gender).
• Another 22% identified as bi/panromantic (having romantic feelings for men and women).
• 6% identifying as homoromantic (having romantic feelings for the same gender).
• 5% identified as androgynoromantic (having romantic feelings for only non-binary people) or other monoromantic (meaning they were non-binary people who were attracted to either men or women).

Many asexuals have happy, successful romantic relationships. Some become involved with other asexuals. Others date sexual people and find ways to navigate differences in desire.

Celibacy is not the same as asexuality. Though many asexuals choose to avoid sex, not all celibate people are asexual. For example, some clergy choose a celibate lifestyle despite strong sexual feelings. Likewise, not all asexual people are celibate. Some asexuals experience limited sexual desire in certain situations. Others choose to have sex to preserve relationships with sexual partners.

Sexuality as a Spectrum

Sexuality is a continuum and a spectrum. Just as there is significant variety in other identities and orientations, there is significant variability in asexual identities. A person’s asexual identity may also shift with time. Some common asexual identities include:

• Demisexual: Demisexuals are people on the asexuality spectrum who only experience sexual attraction in the context of a strong relationship with another person. For many sexual people, sexual attraction precedes a romantic relationship. For demisexuals, attraction can only occur in the context of a close intimate relationship.
• Gray asexuality: Sometimes called gray-ace, gray asexuality has a fluid definition that means different things to different people. Some see gray asexuality as a state between asexuality and sexuality. Others describe it as having sexual attraction but no desire to act on that attraction.

Asexual people’s views on sexuality vary. Some identify as sex-positive, which means that they see sex as a potentially positive thing that they simply do not desire. Others are antisexual, which means they see sex as a negative thing. As with sexual people, an asexual person’s views on sex can be influenced by many factors—religion, the larger culture, experience with sex and relationships, and more. Sexual beliefs about the utility and value of sex are not the same as sexual orientation.

Many asexual people experience sexual desire alone and simply wish to avoid sex with a partner. A 2010 analysis found similar rates of masturbation between asexual and sexual men.

How Asexual People Face Discrimination

Cultural norms and discussions of sexuality often leave asexuals out of the discussion. Many people have never even heard of asexuality. Others believe that only those with a history of sexual abuse could possibly be uninterested in sex. Consequently, many believe that asexuals are not “real.” They may question an asexual’s orientation, seeing it as a sign of trauma or negative beliefs about sex.

For many asexuals, asexuality is an important part of their identity. Having that identity called into question can feel condescending and dehumanizing. For example, an asexual seeking medical care for a sexual health issue might face skepticism from a doctor about their orientation. They may experience gaslighting as the doctor tries to “fix” their asexuality instead of the health issue at hand.

Some asexuals are targeted for “corrective rape.” This is a form of rape designed to “correct” the person’s sexual orientation. For example, a romantic partner may refuse to accept a person’s asexual identity and rape them to convince them they should like sex. Corrective rape, like other forms of rape, is extremely traumatic. The threat of corrective rape and other forms of violence may cause some asexuals not to tell people about their orientation. This contributes to asexual invisibility.

Myths About Asexuality

Limited awareness, social norms suggesting that everyone wants sex, and other cultural factors support numerous myths about asexuality. Some of the most common include:

• Myth: Asexuals have simply had bad sexual experiences.
  • Truth: Asexuality is an orientation, not avoidance of sex because of previous bad sex.
• Myth: Asexuals fear relationships or intimacy.
  • Truth: Many asexuals have very close relationships. Others choose to abstain from romantic relationships. Avoiding romantic relationships is a personal and valid choice, not a psychological problem.
• Myth: The right person can change an asexual’s orientation.
  • Truth: This is no more true with asexuals than it is with people of any other sexual orientation.

Is Asexuality a Mental Health Diagnosis?

Asexuality is not a mental health diagnosis. Notions to the contrary undermine acceptance of asexuals and contribute to discrimination. A 2010 analysis found people who identify as asexual have typical levels of interpersonal functioning. They are no more likely than other groups to have mental health conditions.

Hypoactive sexual desire and sexual aversion, meanwhile, are considered mental health issues. These conditions can cause a person to have an unusually low sex drive and to experience distress in sexual situations. These conditions can also affect the physiological response to sex. However, these issues are not the same thing as asexuality. Most asexual people have a typical physiological response to sex and don’t normally feel anxious about sex. They are just uninterested.

How Therapy Can Help Asexual Individuals

Asexuality is not a mental health condition. Therapy, however, can help people who identify as asexual lead more fulfilling lives. Discrimination and social norms about sexuality can cause some asexuals to feel depressed or anxious. Experiences of sexual trauma, especially corrective rape, can lead to posttraumatic stress (PTSD). Therapy offers a safe space to process these emotions and set goals for self-care.

A psychotherapist can help asexuals who struggle with social rejection, loneliness, and isolation stemming from their identity. Therapy can also help asexuals better understand their location on the asexuality spectrum. In therapy, an asexual person may learn to advocate for their sexual and romantic needs, while abandoning internalized shame, self-loathing, and self-doubt.

Couples counseling can help asexual couples identify and communicate their needs. When there is an imbalance in sexual desire—such as when one partner is sexual and the other partner is asexual—therapy supports healthy communication and negotiation. It can help partners identify strategies to help both parties get what they need without sacrificing their well-being.

References:

1. Antisexual. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://wiki.asexuality.org/Antisexual
   Asexuality. (2017, March 13). Retrieved from http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/asexuality
2. Bogaert, A. F. (2004). Asexuality: Prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3), 279-287. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490409552235
3. Brotto, L. A., Knudson, G., Inskip, J., Rhodes, K., & Erskine, Y. (2010). Asexuality: A mixed-methods approach. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 599-618. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-008-9434-x
4. Chasin, C. D. (2011). Theoretical issues in the study of asexuality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(4), 713-723. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-011-9757-x
5. Miller, T. (n.d.). Analysis of the 2011 Asexual Awareness Week community census [PDF]. Retrieved from http://asexualawarenessweek.com/docs/SiggyAnalysis-AAWCensus.pdf
6. Poston, D. L., & Baumle, A. K. (2010). Patterns of asexuality in the United States. Demographic Research, 23(1), 509-530. Retrieved from https://www.jstor.org/stable/26349603?seq=3#metadata_info
7. 10 things you need to know about asexuality. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://lgbt.williams.edu/homepage/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-asexuality

Cultural issues can heavily affect women’s sexuality, according to a study published in Sexuality & Culture. They are particularly salient for women who are lesbian and bisexual.

Prior Research

Previous research focused on the way individual factors affect sexuality. For instance, a 2016 study showed women who endorse benevolent sexism are less likely to assert their sexual needs. They are also more likely to tolerate sexual selfishness from their partners.

A 2017 study found relationship issues often prompt women to feign orgasms. They may be prioritizing their partner’s ego or avoiding an argument. Sometimes women fake orgasms to end sex sooner.

Despite the breadth of research on female sexuality, the Sexuality & Culture study is one of the first to compare desire in heterosexual and non-heterosexual women.

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Cultural Factors in Women’s Sexuality

This study involved interviews with 31 women ages 20-69. The researchers interviewed women identifying as bisexual, heterosexual, and lesbian. Questions focused on the relationships between women’s sexual desire, their identity, and their experiences.

Cultural themes played a key role in women’s sexual experiences. The most prominent themes included:

1. Gender roles: The gender binary, relationship dynamics, and body image concerns
2. Religion: Spiritual beliefs regarding sex and gender
3. Cultural shifts: Changes in sexual taboos and expectations
4. Minority stress: Heteronormativity, stigma, and coming out

These cultural themes affected a diverse group of women. However, their role was most prominent among women who identified as non-heterosexual. The researchers suggest this disparity occurs because non-heterosexual women must face challenges related to both sexism and heteronormativity. Compounded stigmas seem to increase their sensitivity to cultural expectations.

To empower women’s sexual expression, advocates should be mindful of how systems of privilege affect sexual desire. Individuals experiencing distress or difficulty relating to these issues may find it beneficial to discuss them with a counselor or therapist.

References:

1. LGBQ* women’s sexual desire particularly impacted by social and cultural pressures. (2017, December 06). University of Kentucky News. Retrieved from https://uknow.uky.edu/research/lgbq-women-s-sexual-desire-particularly-impacted-social-and-cultural-pressures
2. Rosenkrantz, D. E., & Mark, K. P. (2017). The sociocultural context of sexually diverse women’s sexual desire. Sexuality & Culture. doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9462-6

In my practice, I work with many people who are transgender. The ages of those I’ve worked with over the years range from 5 (yes, 5) to 65, and the single most common complaint I have heard from these individuals is that their loved ones have said or done something that leads them to question the validity of their identity.

To illustrate: teenagers I work with will often tell me that when they approached their parents to talk about identifying as trans, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, or any other identity on the spectrum, their parents’ first response was, “Are you sure this isn’t a phase?” While parents may have meant this harmlessly, and only intended to seek information about what was going on with their child, this language is not validating and is likely to leave the child (or adult) feeling unsupported and as if who they are doesn’t matter.

The phrases below are a few examples of what not to say when a child (or anyone you know!) comes out to as trans. I also offer some suggestions to consider that may lead to a more productive conversation and help your child feel validated and supported.

Here are a few things NOT to say in these situations. I also offer, for your consideration, some suggestions that may lead to a more productive conversation. [fat_widget_right]

“Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”

It’s a good idea to avoid this question because it questions the basic understanding your child or teen has of themselves. When I work with parents, I often suggest we simply meet the child where they are right then, without considering how “sure” or “unsure” they may be of their identity. While a few of the people I have worked with have identified differently on the spectrum throughout their lives, none of them considered any of those identifications as a “phase.” I went through a phase of dying my hair pink and wearing studded bracelets. But I did not go through a phase of identifying as female. I have always been aware of my female identity, just as people who are trans are aware of their own identities.

Gender identity is exactly what it says: identity. It is an intrinsic part of who a person is. Would you question a person’s identity based on race or religion and ask them if it was a “phase”? It may be helpful to view gender identity in the same way. If today your child tells you they are trans, then it’s best to go with that until they tell you otherwise.

“Don’t you think you should date a person of X gender first?”

Gender identity and sexuality are completely different entities. Often, the parents of the people I work with confuse the two. Though they are trying to better understand their child’s disclosure by asking questions like these, they are simultaneously completely misunderstanding what their child is telling them.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent.

For example, a transgender man (a person who was assigned female at birth might also identify as FtM (female to male) does not need to have a romantic or sexual relationship with another man in order to know whether he is truly male. Being romantically involved with a man (or person of any gender) does not inform a trans person’s sense of gender identity—in the same way a cisgender woman (person who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as female) would not have to date a man to know she is female, only whether she is sexually attracted to men.

“You are too young.”

To this, I simply say “Wrong.”

I understand a lot of people may struggle with the idea that young children can know their gender identity at such a young age. Sure, preschool and kindergarten years are a relatively gender-fluid time as it is, and gender roles and stereotypes may be more lax—let’s face it, a 5-year-old boy in a princess dress is likely to receive an “aww” because we assume children are just playing and exploring costumes and ideas rather than figuring out who they are.

However, I do strongly believe that children as young as 2 or 3 years of age can be aware of their gender identity. This awareness may present as an aversion to certain clothes or an attraction to a certain type of style that does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth. Rather than assuming your daughter is a tomboy or your son is just curious about your shoes, I encourage you to be open to the idea that your child may be figuring out who they are. Listen to them, hear their concerns or desires, and above all, please remain open-minded. Encourage their style, gender presentation, and expression, whether it turns out to be simple exploration or early expression of gender identity. The sooner our children know we support them regardless of who they are, the healthier and happier they are likely to be in adulthood.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent. This act of sharing, which they may have deliberated over for some time, is likely to leave them feeling vulnerable and open. Keep that in mind as you choose your next steps and words, as they can, and likely will, have a lasting impact on your child and may be a touchstone memory for the rest of their lives.

I believe the most essential and key support system for any child is their family, and I encourage you to openly offer as much love and support as you possibly can. If you would like to talk through what you are feeling, or discover ways of opening a conversation or showing your support, I recommend seeking out a compassionate and qualified therapist or counselor who is trained in working with trans individuals and their families.

Many of us are raised to follow a particular religion, and many of those religions have some negative messages about sexual and gender diversity. These early religious messages can have a significant impact on the way LGBTQIA individuals perceive themselves, their sexual orientation and gender identity, and their self-worth.

Some people find leaving the religious organization they were raised to follow is the choice that best enables them to live as their true selves. Still, even those who have taken this action may continue to struggle with shame and guilt about being LGBTQ+. Others find their religion and spirituality are just as important to their identities as their gender and sexual orientation and struggle to reconcile all aspects of their identity.

The ideas of religion and sexuality have been at the forefront of my mind in recent months. Whether I am looking back on my own childhood experiences with religion and how those impacted my own sexual identity or witnessing affirming messages of inclusive churches during Pride week, I have long been interested in the ways LGBTQ+ people can move beyond negative messages about their identities in the face of ever-present religious pressures.

What really kicked off my interest in this topic was a recent conversation with a past Jehovah’s Witness who was excommunicated from his church when it was discovered he was gay. This person still felt a deep, burning desire to engage in his spiritual and religious beliefs and was constantly at odds with what his beliefs said about who he was as a person and his identity as a gay man. He felt as though he had to choose either his sexuality or his spirituality, and that if he chose to love who he wanted to love, he would be doomed eternally. As a result, his journey has been painful and alienating. [fat_widget_right]

What are the impacts of this struggle on mental health? LGBTQ+ people raised in religious environments that do not affirm their identities often experience depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, negative self-image, and addiction, among other concerns.

Internalized homophobia, which is the tendency to feel shame about being non-heterosexual or gender diverse, is more common in religious LGBTQ+ people (Barnes & Meyer, 2012), and is linked to experiences of depression, anxiety, and suicide. These painful experiences are often worse when someone grows up in a culture that does not accept who they are, and the experience can place a false sense of morality or choice on sexuality and gender.

Combating Stress and Shame

Those raised according to the faith of a non-affirming religion may struggle to overcome internal feelings of guilt, shame, and stress. How can these be addressed?

One of the most important and effective ways to combat stress and shame resulting from non-affirming messages is to focus on maintaining positivity and self-love around your LGBTQ+ identity while engaging in self-reflection about your religious attitudes and whether they are helping you or not.

One option is to leave the religious group that fosters messages of shame and persecution, but the outcome of this choice could be feelings of spiritual emptiness, loneliness, and isolation from family, friends, and one’s community. Another option might be to question religious attitudes that feed internalized shame while maintaining your engagement with your religious community, but this may not give you enough distance from shame-based messages.

One of the most important and effective ways to combat stress and shame resulting from non-affirming messages is to focus on maintaining positivity and self-love around your LGBTQ+ identity while engaging in self-reflection about your religious attitudes and whether they are helping you or not (Page, Lindahl, & Malik, 2013). This is often a complicated task.

How can a person question negative messages about sexuality and gender learned through religion?

1. Speak to someone who understands: It can be helpful to find an affirming person who has a similar religious upbringing to discuss experiences with in order to gain some insight on where those shaming messages stem from. If you don’t know someone you feel safe talking to about this, a compassionate and empathic counselor who is trained in working with members of the LGBTQ+ community or friends and supportive family can often help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.
2. Notice self-defeating thoughts: We all struggle with self-defeating thinking that leads us to view ourselves less compassionately than we could. Taking a deep look at those thoughts and where they come from is a helpful and positive step. Try keeping a journal to help you identify patterns in your thinking about your sexuality and gender in addition to your spiritual health.
3. Challenge ideas that suggest your sexual orientation or gender is a moral choice: The only choice a person has, when it comes to sexual and gender identity, is to live as the person they are or to hide that identity from others. Sexuality and gender are not moral choices; they are aspects of identity. If you are surrounded by messages that being LGBTQ+ means you are sinful, morally wrong, or doomed, it is in your best interests to challenge those ideas. Challenging or resisting them might mean speaking up about it, resisting in your own mind, or leaving the people or organizations inflicting those ideas on you.
4. Remind yourself that spiritual fulfillment is not the same as religiosity: Most people find comfort and strength from spiritual experiences and beliefs. Although spiritual fulfillment can be achieved through being part of a religion, religion is not necessary for finding spiritual fulfillment. It might be helpful to think about what your religion gives you that you benefit from or what you miss about the religion you grew up in. Ask yourself whether there are other ways to meet those spiritual needs and whether the religious ideas you know are benefiting you.
5. Create a new community: For many, leaving a religion means leaving behind people and traditions you love, and this can feel very lonely. Start anew by creating a community of people who accept you for who you are and who think and feel in ways similar to you. It may be helpful to begin by researching ways to volunteer or get involved in your community by meeting and reaching out online to other people going through similar experiences.

References:

1. Barnes, D. M., & Meyer, I. H. (2012). Religious affiliation, internalized homophobia, and mental health in lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 82(4), 505-525.
2. Page, M. J. L., Lindahl, K. M., & Malik, N. M. (2013). The role of religion and stress in sexual identity and mental health among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 23(4), 665-677.