This blog is for all of you that have a complicated relationship with aging. As I type, I realize that statement is silly because we all do (right?)! None of us likes to come face to face with the reality that we’re slowing down. Whether it’s mental sharpness and memory, or physical strength and balance, aging gracefully with wisdom requires acknowledging these natural changes while discovering the profound gifts that come with each passing year.

It may mean dealing with disease or disability. After all, who wants to wake up with back pain or soreness in joints? None of us wants to take endless visits to doctors to deal with organs that worked just fine a few short years ago! It’s also difficult to give up meaningful activities because we can no longer physically or mentally enjoy them.

The Reality of Physical Changes: Accepting What We Cannot Control

So how are we to approach this inevitable truth in life? We all deal with aging gracefully with wisdom in one way or another, whether you’re in your 40’s or in your 80’s. My personal “go to” is complaining (to anyone who’ll listen) that I can’t run like I used to. I imagined being one of those older guys that runs ultramarathons all around the country. Apparently, my body didn’t agree with this plan. What have you had to give up?

According to research published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, life transitions, including aging, are associated with increased psychological distress, even when the changes themselves aren’t inherently negative. This means that even positive aspects of aging can feel uncomfortable at first.

The Unexpected Gifts of Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Fortunately, getting older has its advantages as well. Aging is more than just physical change or the passage of time. As we age, we experience life. We can be more mindful of the positive changes that come along with aging gracefully with wisdom, the most obvious being that it beats the alternative (attempt at a little humor there)! Humor aside, consider these profound positives of aging:

1. Wisdom: The Pearl Beyond Price

With life experience comes wisdom. The National Institute on Aging research indicates that older adults often develop enhanced emotional regulation and improved decision-making capabilities. Maybe to be more present, maybe to prioritize or focus on important activities or relationships, or to appreciate small things.

As noted by Jean Shinoda Bolen in her work on aging and spirituality, wisdom represents the culmination of lived experience, bringing with it an inner directedness and self-acceptance that younger years simply cannot provide.

2. Let Go: Freedom from Others’ Opinions

We can let go of what others think. As a young person we spend so much time trying to impress everyone. With age, it’s nice to take this off our plate. Work from the MacArthur network emphasized factors that help people maintain good mental and physical functioning into old age.

3. Deeper Faith: Spiritual Growth and Discovery

Along with wisdom, perspective, and experience comes our desire to know “who” we are. We question and explore our “why” which leads down the road of spiritual discovery and deeper faith. Research published in the journal Psychology and Aging demonstrates that spirituality often increases with age and serves as a powerful protective factor for mental health.

According to a comprehensive study cited in AARP Magazine, 80% of adults report that spirituality became more important over the course of their lives. This isn’t about fear, it’s about finally having the time, perspective, and emotional maturity to explore life’s deepest questions.

4. More Freedom: Time Becomes Yours

We tend to have more freedom (time and hopefully finances) when we are older. The post-retirement years offer opportunities many younger people can only dream about: traveling, pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or simply enjoying unhurried mornings with a good book.

5. Less Responsibility: A Lighter Load

We also tend to have more time to do things we want to do, spend time with people we care about, volunteer, and enjoy the newfound wisdom. The demands of career-building and child-rearing have eased, creating space for activities that truly fulfill us.

6. Deeper Relationships: Quality Over Quantity

With age, we tend to have longer, deeper relationships. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, conclusively demonstrates that the quality of our relationships is the strongest predictor of life satisfaction and longevity. As we age, we naturally prune superficial connections and invest in relationships that truly matter.

Overcoming the Challenges: When Aging Gracefully with Wisdom Feels Hard

Despite these advantages, aging can feel overwhelming at times. You might be dealing with chronic pain, mobility limitations, or cognitive changes that challenge your sense of self. According to Geriatric Mental Health Care expert Gary J. Kennedy, MD, “the continuance of wellbeing into late age depends on the life pattern of each person,” meaning that acceptance of aging, rather than fighting it, correlates with better outcomes.

The key is reframing our relationship with aging. Research from How We Die by Anne Karpf reveals that ageism itself creates self-fulfilling prophecies. In cultures where aging is respected and valued, older adults perform better on cognitive tests and report higher life satisfaction than in cultures that devalue age.

The Power of Prayer and Faith in Later Life

Most importantly, no matter how we feel, we can always pray. If you ever feel weak or find yourself struggling for purpose, reflect on James 5:13-18 and remember the power of prayer. Sometimes, quieting life allows us to do what matters most.

Prayer and spirituality serve as powerful coping mechanisms during life’s transitions. A 2010 pilot study on spirituality-based interventions for generalized anxiety disorder found significant reductions in both psychic and somatic symptoms.

According to the APA, approximately 49% of U.S. adults reported praying about health. While the scientific community debates the mechanisms, what’s clear is that for those with faith, prayer provides comfort, connection, and a sense of meaning that supports aging gracefully with wisdom.

You’re Never Too Old for Growth and Change

One of the most empowering truths about aging is that you’re never too old to benefit from personal growth, therapy, or self-discovery. Research consistently shows that older adults can and do change, often with greater success than younger individuals because they bring decades of self-knowledge to the process.

Until you take your last breath, you are capable of change. Cognitive, emotional, and behavioral shifts are all still within your grasp, maybe even more so than when you were younger.

Moving Forward: Practical Steps for Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Here are evidence-based strategies to help you embrace aging with grace:

Stay Physically Active: Even gentle movement like walking, yoga, or swimming supports both physical and mental health. The CDC recommends 150 minutes of moderate activity weekly for older adults.

Nurture Relationships: Invest in meaningful connections. The Harvard Study of Adult Development proves that relationship quality matters more than any other factor for happiness and longevity.

Challenge Your Mind: Engage in mentally stimulating activities. Learn a new language, take up a musical instrument, or tackle crossword puzzles regularly.

Cultivate Spirituality: Whether through organized religion, meditation, nature connection, or prayer, nurturing your spiritual life provides meaning and resilience. Explore our resource on why we value religion more as we age.

Practice Gratitude: Research shows that gratitude practices reduce depression and increase life satisfaction at any age.

Seek Support When Needed: There’s no shame in asking for help, whether from healthcare providers, therapists, or community resources.

Conclusion: Embracing Your Journey of Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Aging is not a problem to solve, it’s a journey to embrace. While the physical changes may challenge us, the gifts of wisdom, deeper faith, meaningful relationships, and hard-won perspective make life richer than ever before.

As you navigate this chapter of life, remember that you’re not alone. Millions of people are discovering that aging gracefully with wisdom isn’t about denying change, it’s about embracing the fullness of who you’ve become and who you’re still becoming.

Pray on, stay connected, and remember: every day is an opportunity to grow, love, and live with purpose.

Researchers have long been interested in exploring why some people are more successful than others. IQ, education, and personality have all been considered as possible correlates of achievement. Two other factors, talent and effort, have also been widely studied as potential influencers of success.

In a series of studies, University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Angela Duckworth set out to determine specific predictors of achievement. She found a common characteristic that exists among high achievers, a term she refers to as grit. Based on her research, Duckworth concluded grit is an important driver of achievement, independent of and beyond what talent and intelligence contribute.

The concept of grit gained mainstream momentum after Duckworth’s 2013 Ted Talk and the release of her best-selling book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance for achieving long-term, meaningful goals.

For some people, the idea that sustained effort matters more for achievement than innate talent goes against what they have always believed. Duckworth claims being naturally smart and talented are great attributes; however, to truly do well and thrive, you must have grit. Gritty people—as Duckworth calls them—are people who have an ability to persevere despite challenges. In her book, she contends, “Without grit, talent may be nothing more than unmet potential. It is only with effort that talent becomes a skill that leads to success” (p. 51).

You may be left wondering which traits make a person gritty and whether grit is something that can be taught. Researchers have found grit can be cultivated through deliberate practice and character-building exercises. The following six steps can help you cultivate your own grit:

1. Find Your Greater Purpose

First and foremost, find a purpose in life. Studies have shown people with a clear purpose are happier and more committed to achieving their goals.

Purpose is a key driver of motivation, providing you with the necessary energy to continue working toward your goals. Without it, maintaining momentum can become difficult, especially during periods of perceived failure. Having an understanding of your goals and the reason behind pursuing them can create a clear sense of purpose, which then gives you the necessary fuel to maintain grit.

Simon Sinek discusses this very concept in his popular book, Start With Why. Sinek describes our ‘why’ as the underlying purpose, cause, or belief that drives us. Our ‘why’ is what sets us apart from others and inspires us to take action. It not only gives us the confidence we need to meet our goals, but also injects passion into our pursuit.

Action Item: Purpose can seem like a hard-to-define goal. Start by identifying your values. Next, try to align your goals with your values. Create smaller goals that will keep you on your path toward achieving your larger purpose.

2. Be Passionate About Your Goals

Purpose can serve as an ideal catalyst in driving passion. Passion is about having the drive, ambition, and a genuine love for what you do and/or the people you serve. Successful people almost always have an underlying passion that propels them forward—a drive that keeps them laser-focused on their goals.

Passion can also be contagious. When you’re passionate, you can make those around you feel excited. If you are passionate about your goals, then others around you will likely share in your enthusiasm and be willing to help you to achieve your goals.

Action Item: Stop and ask yourself: What gives you passion? What makes you excited about the activities you are doing?

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

Once you have identified your purpose and passion, you will need to engage in deliberate and consistent practice. It typically takes effort to become good at something and even more effort to become truly competent. Gritty people often look for ways to engage in activities that will help them improve their craft.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. Having grit means following through on what you start. It’s about committing to a goal and working hard to complete it no matter what. Gritty people rarely become distracted by other goals. In fact, they often work longer and harder to achieve the goals they have set.

Building grit can take a lot of hard work. You may need to stick with tasks even when they are boring or during times when you feel you are not making any headway. Many people give up when they perceive impending rejection. After all, it is often easier to quit than to fail.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. This type of practice involves more than simply putting in the hours. It is a deliberate and arduous process that requires pushing yourself to perform outside of your current abilities.

Action Item: Set “stretch goals” in specific areas where you would like to make gains. Aggressive goal-setting is meant to stretch us in new ways, increasing our chances of being successful. Seek meaningful feedback from coaches or mentors on specific areas of improvement and then set goals that directly target those areas.

4. Have the Courage to Try

We live in an extremely competitive world that is riddled with opportunities for rejection. In fact, over 50% of new businesses will fail after only 5 years. Knowing these odds, it can be easy to let fear take hold and give up before you even start. During these times, courage might be the secret ingredient you need to continue pushing forward. Courage is an essential component of grit.

Gritty people have the ability to successfully manage fears of failure. In fact, they have learned to embrace setbacks and use them as motivation to keep moving forward. They do this by reframing “failures” as “opportunities for growth.” They understand there are valuable lessons in defeat and that the vulnerability of perseverance is part of the road toward achievement.

Action Items: Identify situations that trigger your fears. Reframe your beliefs surrounding those situations to feel more in control. Avoid comparing yourself to others.

5. Learn to Persevere

When pursuing long-term goals, it is inevitable that you will experience challenges, struggles, and setbacks. Life is full of roadblocks and hardships. When faced with potential failure, we are given a choice—do we throw in the proverbial towel and give up, or do we keep on going?

Gritty people typically choose the latter. They keep going no matter what. Instead of thinking the world owes them something or looking to the universe to fix things, gritty people know they are the only ones who can change their situations. They use strength and determination to keep going.

Action Item: Identify goals that are worthy of perseverance. Keep those goals visible at all times. Maintain an optimistic outlook and use emotion to drive behavior.

6. Build Resiliency

Research underscores the importance of bouncing back from adversity and persevering through challenges. Resilience is an inherent attribute of grit. It describes the ability to withstand stress and negative emotional experiences. Resilience is what allows you to get back up when you’ve been knocked down and move forward after experiencing failure or rejection. Resilience combines optimism with creativity and confidence.

Resilient people are determined to succeed even when the odds are against them. They are confident in their abilities and are willing to put forth the effort to overcome obstacles that are in the way of them achieving their goals. In a world of rejections, resiliency gives you the needed edge to resist the pressures associated with intense competition.

Action Item: Look for opportunities for self-discovery. Learn to keep things in perspective. Develop reasonable goals and take decisive action.

If you are struggling at any step of this process, a trained therapist can help you spot and overcome roadblocks. Like most valuable skills, grit takes practice. You will likely need both patience and endurance to build up your grit. Yet once you have achieved your goal, you will likely find that your journey has been worth the effort.

References:

1. Business Employment Dynamics. (2016, April 28). Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bls.gov/bdm/entrepreneurship/bdm_chart3.htm
2. Duckworth, A. (2016).Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY: Scribner
3. Robak, R. W., & Griffin, P. W. (2000). Purpose in life: What is its relationship to happiness, depression, and grieving? North American Journal of Psychology, 2(1), 113-119
4. Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group

What drives your decision-making—your rules or your values? Imagine a good friend asks you for a loan and you know, despite your friend’s best intentions, you will likely never get your money back. Do you agree to loan the money because that’s what friends are supposed to do or because you value this friendship more than the money? Do you decline to loan the money because friends and money don’t mix or because you value maintaining boundaries in all your relationships?

The distinction between rule-based and value-based living can be nuanced, and often both approaches lead to the same outcome. But under the surface, they point to vastly different modes of operation and perception. Clinging to excessive rules about who you are and how you should behave can be unfulfilling and ultimately self-sabotaging. Exploring and identifying your values may provide a needed wake-up call and generate a more multifaceted way of thinking and behaving.

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What’s the difference between rules and values and how do you know which one is influencing your behavior? At the most general level, rules are imposed by external forces and values are the product of internal introspection. Rules by their very nature are designed to dictate specific behaviors, to provide structure and predictability, and utilize consequences or the fear of consequences to achieve adherence. Whatever the institution, the overarching goal of almost all rules is to provide order.

Values are the things, ideas, experiences, and people we find to have great importance and deep meaning in our lives. Values take time to flesh out, honesty to acknowledge, and commitment to put into practice. Thus, unlike rules, values are the refined essence of what intrinsically motivates us—spending time with family, cultivating spirituality, committing to a healthy lifestyle. Values-guided behavior is purposeful and mindful, without the expectation of receiving immediate gratification for the effort put forth.

Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

While rule-dominated thinking can produce order from the chaos, it comes with a cost—the tendency to encourage a rigid self-concept. One quick way to check if thinking is predominantly rule-based is to notice how often you find yourself thinking you “should,” “shouldn’t,” “must,” or “can’t” do something. Also be mindful of global language like “always” and “never,” as in “I always finish something I start” or “I’d never be able to do something like that.” And then there are labels such as “I’m so type-A” or “I am a bad friend/parent/student.”

When we become fused with and buy into these rigid narratives, our responses are on autopilot with a predetermined course of action. The remedy for inflexible thinking is not to suppress it altogether or to replace negatively perceived thoughts with positive ones. Rather, it is to redirect your focus to what really matters in that moment and to become mindful of your available choices.

Here are some questions to help you tap into a more values-based mode of thinking:

• Instead of asking what should I do, what value(s) do I wish to embody in this situation?
• What is this action in the service of?
• If I knew I would receive unconditional acceptance from everyone I know, what would I be doing with my life?
• What would I like my obituary to say about me and my life?
• What might happen if I could let go of being right about who I am?

Realizing what’s in your heart and being able to separate that from the content of your mind is a powerful combination that can be transformative. However, becoming intimately aware of your values and being able to act on them does not mean life suddenly becomes less challenging. In fact, sometimes it becomes more of a challenge because consciously committing yourself to anything for the long haul is hard work. Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

If you are struggling to find meaning or purpose in your life, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional. We all struggle with self-limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities. These beliefs, or “rules,” we build our lives around can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled if left unchecked. Values can be difficult to pinpoint on your own, especially if perceptions have been clouded by too many rules. At the heart of any quality therapeutic experience is assisting you with clarifying what matters most to you and helping you move toward whatever that may be.

A new year is under way, a time when people are reflecting on their lives and setting goals aimed at moving closer to long-term aspirations. If you recently experienced the death of a loved one, you may feel grateful just to have survived the first holiday season without them. Focusing on goals and aspirations while your grief still feels so present may seem paradoxical. But doing so is an essential part of your grief work, according to M. Katherine Shear, MD, founder and director of The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.

While each grief process is unique, the loss of someone with whom you have shared a deep emotional and supportive relationship usually causes the most intense grief reaction. Someone who has held you up emotionally when you were in crisis, helped shape your sense of self, and/or encouraged you to reach for your dreams is physically removed from your life forever. So it makes sense that in the acute phase of grief, you may feel as though you have lost your sense of self or feel unsure of your life purpose.

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Grief is an expression of love that continues after death. You shouldn’t expect your grief to ever end completely. However, it is possible for your grief to become more integrated; painful emotions occur less frequently and with less intensity, and no longer interfere significantly with work, other relationships, or your experience of positive emotions.

The path to integrated grief requires three interrelated processes:

• Accepting the reality of your loved one’s death
• Finding new meaning or purpose in your life
• Continuing the bond with your deceased

Humans are innately motivated to search for meaning in living. However, if you are overwhelmed by sadness as you struggle to accept the reality of a loved one’s death, it may seem impossible to think about trying to find new meaning in your living without them. But after the first few months following your loved one’s death, if you can spend a short period, on as many days as possible, focused on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose, it can offer glimpses of joy—a welcome respite from your sadness. It may help you with acceptance on a deeper level of your loved one’s death. Greater acceptance of the death may help you to reconnect with your deceased loved one in memory. Reconnecting with your loved one may alleviate some of the longing and sadness you feel so you are more free to focus on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one.

It is important to have a balanced focus on all three processes. Knowing when and being able to shift your focus from working on acceptance of the death to focusing on future goals, or to reconnecting to your loved one, can be challenging. While many individuals can navigate the path to integrated grief with the support of other loved ones, some people can get stuck along the way. One reason for this is on a societal level, death, dying, and bereavement are still taboo topics. Thus, many individuals aren’t educated about the grief process, particularly about the importance of finding new meaning or purpose in living after the death of a loved one.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one. Thus, they may become fixated on people, situations, and places that remind them of the loved one when they were alive, or avoid circumstances that remind them of the loved one’s death. Both fixation and avoidance serve as obstacles to accepting the reality of the death.

Even though grief is a normal response to the death of a loved one, and finding new meaning is a natural human tendency, the path to integrated grief can be a complicated one. If more than a few months have passed since your loved one died, and you are feeling overwhelmed or recognize your grief is interfering with your day-to-day functioning, it may be beneficial to work with a mental professional who specializes in grief work. They can work with you to help you remove obstacles in your path so you can balance the range of emotions that come with the struggle to accept your loved one’s death, the joy that can emanate from finding new meaning in your living, and the peace that flows from reconnecting with your deceased loved one.

A new year is under way. Will you accept the invitation to allow it to be the beginning of a new life for yourself?

Reference:

Shear, M. K. (2015). Complicated Grief Treatment: A Handout for Patients, Friends, and Family Members. Columbia Center for Complicated Grief, The Trustees of Columbia University in the City of New York. Retrieved from https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/tools-and-resources/

I don’t suppose it’s much consolation, but you describe your situation very well—lost in your mind, indeed. You seem very much in your head, sort of like having an “out of body” experience of sorts. So the antidote might be to get out of your mind, if you will. I say that with a smile because I think if you get out of your mind and into the rest of yourself—body and soul, for example—you may feel less lost.

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How to begin?

First, I’d pursue a therapeutic relationship with someone who will help you lose your mind and find yourself. Does that sound trite? Maybe, but the truth is often so simple that people overlook it. Based solely on what you have written, you sound as if you might be depressed. There are a number of ways to deal with depression, including, depending on the individual, psychotherapy (talk therapy is helpful), medication (in concert with therapy), body therapy (yoga therapy or some somatic therapy or mindfulness activity that you find to your taste), and participation in doings that have nothing to do with work. Such doings may include, say, yoga or art or sports or music or, maybe best of all, a volunteer activity that will exercise your compassion.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter. I don’t know what kinds of things appeal to you, but find something you like that will enable you to contribute to our world and then do it. Having had the privilege of a good education, you have much to offer your community and the world.

You write that you “put a smile on” and go on. I applaud your “going on-ness” and it’s a good start, but remember what Henry David Thoreau wrote long ago: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” I hope you pursue and find your song and sing it. Sing several. Sing a cantata.

You say you have “no real human experience.” I’m not sure what you mean by that, but if there is some particular experience you are lacking, then this would be a topic to discuss with a therapist. What is it? Can it be achieved? How can you go about doing it? Perhaps your life’s purpose is to discover what is meaningful to you and then to manifest your meaning by helping others find what is useful and meaningful to them.

Maybe when you write “human experience,” you mean experiencing your feelings. If that’s so, I invite you to awaken your emotional life through action.

Changing the way you approach the world may change it. I wish you the best!

Take care,
Lynn

About a year ago, I was working as an art therapist in private practice and I had a 12-year-old client struggling with anxiety and figuring out who she was in the world. I asked her to create a self-portrait—a great exercise for a girl trying to define herself. At one point I realized I had never made a self-portrait, at least not since grade school. So I went out, bought a canvas, took a “selfie,” and began my own personal process answering, “who am I?”

I began with a light sketch, trying to see myself from the observer view. Then I started painting, layering first in basic colors to assign shadow and light areas. I have a lot of experience painting, but painting a person is definitely challenging. Faces have complex layers of subtle shadows and highlights. I worked layer after layer. Too dark. Too light. Too dark again …

One night I came home and looked at the painting in process and wondered, “Have I gone too far? I just keep layering and layering, will it ever be finished? This painting is getting overworked.” I paused, contemplating this chosen word. That’s exactly what I had created: “overworked Michelle”. Working three jobs and always doing a lot, I was overworked and my self-portrait reflected this state.

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This is the beauty of art therapy: even though you’re not trying to do it, your self comes through in the art you create. There I was, “overworked Michelle,” in painting as in life. I didn’t like how she looked … and I didn’t like how it felt to be overworked Michelle, either. At that point, I stopped working on the painting and bought a new, blank canvas of the same size. “Who would I be if I wasn’t overworked Michelle?”

I challenged myself to make the Michelle I wanted to be, my ideal state of being. To avoid overworking the painting again I limited my work time to two sittings. In the beginning, I did not sketch anything, but started with paint on canvas, finding a portrait through color and strokes. Without a photo to reference I was free to make the face, body, and shading however I wanted. The result was a representation of how it feels to be me on the inside.

A few nights previously I had had a powerful dream about a mountain lion and when the hole in the chest appeared in my painting, I knew I wanted a cougar coming from the darkness. But how would I paint a cougar in such a short amount of time? Actually, I had already cut one out of a magazine and it was just hanging on my bulletin board nearby. Should I put collage in my painting?! I’d never done that before!

I found freedom in creating this painting. All rules went out the window. I could be whoever I wanted to be! This is the truth of life. We create imaginary confines around ourselves that don’t actually exist. With the focus of actually creating the me I wanted to be, I found myself soft and open, vulnerable and dangerous, with strong roots hanging down, looking for soil.

Art is a powerful medium. It reminds us that we are creators, born to make what we want out of life. Art is an opportunity to ask yourself, who do you really want to be? I practiced what I wanted in this painting, and then my life followed suit. I am no longer “overworked Michelle.” Now I have one job, and it is my passion—the place where I share my heart with others and practice vulnerability and openness. I take care of myself first, every day. I don’t feel overworked, because I love what I do. I continue to draw and paint what I want out of life because, in the very near future, it could all come true.

Michelle Lynn Baker is an art therapist and owner of MBodied Art Studio in Westminster, CO. She teaches art classes to children and adults and runs therapeutic art groups for parents and children. Michelle enjoys the spectrum of art as therapy from learning to healing.

Feeling empty from time to time may be a normal part of the human condition. But if you experience persistent feelings of emptiness, there may be something you can do about it.

What does emptiness feel like?

• You don’t have a sense of purpose.
• You perceive a lack of meaning in your life.
• You’re not happy, but you’re not particularly sad, either.
• If someone were to ask you how you feel, you might say, “I don’t know.”

What causes feelings of emptiness? No one knows for sure, and there may be more than one cause. A common reason you might feel empty is self-alienation—feeling like a stranger to yourself. This sensation develops over time, usually as a result of pushing away unwanted emotions.

Our emotions are an important aspect of our experience of ourselves and our quality of life, yet most of us have some degree of trouble allowing ourselves to have certain feelings. Anger is one emotion that many people try not to experience, for example.

What happens to our feelings when we refuse to acknowledge them? They stick around in the shadows of our minds, gumming up the emotional works and, eventually, cutting us off from ourselves altogether.

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The result? We feel empty. We have a pulse, but we’re not really alive.

Life is an emotional experience.

If you come from a family that didn’t “do” certain (or any) emotions, you’re at increased risk of feeling empty.

Here are some ideas for getting out from under this uncomfortable state:

• Stop looking “out there” for a sense of purpose. Your purpose springs forth from your uniqueness. It’s not something that floats around the earth independently like a cloud, waiting for you to find it. If you don’t have a strong sense of who you are, it’s can be hard to feel in touch with your purpose. You are someone in particular. You have a story, of which you’re the star.
• Think about this question: “Who is the person experiencing this feeling of emptiness?” Your authentic self is the person who cries when you’re sad, and laughs when you’re tickled. It’s your authentic self who wants to inhabit the void, filling you with meaning, purpose, and connection. Start where you are: Someone is feeling empty. Who is it?
• Ask yourself how you might feel if you weren’t feeling empty. Look at your life—past, present, and/or future. What comes up as you think about it? Any so-called negative emotions such as anger, disappointment, or despair are showing you what might be hiding under a numbing blanket of emptiness. Are you protecting yourself from something you’d rather not know? Be curious, not judgmental. Compassionate, not accusing.
• Embrace your emotions, whatever they are. This is the same as embracing yourself. Although emotions aren’t literally a part of you, they’re a reliable reflection of you in this moment. How you feel in any given moment is the road that connects you with your authentic self. Try a little constructive wallowing in any emotions you have, and remember: curiosity and compassion, not judgment, is the goal.
• Be a joiner. There’s meaning in connection with other people. Consider sharing your sense of emptiness with another person. If there’s no one in your life you trust with that information, a support group could be valuable. A grief support group might be a good choice. Many of us have endured enough loss in our lives to fit right in. You can’t be closer to another than you are to yourself. Be honest and kind to yourself, rather than looking to other people to fill you up.
• Root out shame. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. It’s hard to be close to someone you despise, and shame encourages you to reject yourself.
• Try therapy. A good therapist holds up a metaphorical mirror, helping you see and appreciate who you are. If you need a little help, find a therapist in your area.

You don’t have to live your life feeling empty if you don’t want to. You deserve a good relationship with yourself and a meaningful, purposeful life. Let this article reach that part of you that’s there under the surface, waiting to reconnect and dispel those feelings of emptiness.

To me, “vulnerable” is wonderful word. It means openness, freedom, and the opportunity to love and be loved. But for others, it is what they are trying to get away from: They feel that they are too vulnerable. In actuality, the opposite is true. They feel unsafe because they are too defended, too guarded. True vulnerability comes only with acceptance of self. And with that, fear drops away.

By becoming vulnerable to life, we discover its meaning. Not the meaning of life in an objective sense, but rather its meaning and purpose for each one of us, as individual souls. Whether that is the truth of a given moment, or an expanded sense of purpose and destiny in our professional or personal lives, we can discover it only if we learn to listen to our own hearts in an unguarded and open way.

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Our Own Vulnerability

To be happy and content in life, we must give in and learn to listen to ourselves deeply. We must accept our vulnerabilities, open ourselves to them, and embrace them! Why? Because only then do we feel the safety net that is always there; that mysterious presence that is beauty, love, kindness, and truth. When we don’t move into the mystery of vulnerability, it is like we are clinging to a tightrope after having fallen off, peering into the dark, afraid that there is no net. We find the net by letting go, by falling into the unknown.

This surrender does not have to be, as many think, a large display of emotion, because it is at its heart something internal, something private. Our closest, longest, and most intimate relationship is the one we have with ourselves. So while we might first experience vulnerability with someone else, it is at its heart something we must do with ourselves, by ourselves. It is not enough to be accepted by someone else: We must accept ourselves.

Allowing Others to Be Vulnerable

By becoming vulnerable to yourself, you move toward being vulnerable in your relationships and, just as importantly, being able to accept the vulnerability of those you love. This can be some of the hardest work we do: allowing the people we depend on to have their own vulnerabilities, their own weaknesses, their own struggles.

When vulnerability is not allowed in a relationship, it separates people, no matter how much they love each other. A person may love someone, but he or she may also want that person to be something he or she is not, or to just plain stop having the pain or struggle that he or she does. This dynamic can create a vicious cycle of resentment and frustration in one person, and a sense of confinement, judgment, and claustrophobia in the other.

Practice

Maybe this sounds simple to you, or perhaps complicated and confusing. It all begins with whatever moment you are in. And it takes baby steps. If you are interested in exploring more, note the time and do this five-step practice for the next five minutes:

1. Take three deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Soften your shoulders, your forehead, your eyes.
2. Become vulnerable to everything happening in this moment. All the feelings, all the thoughts. Accept and allow everything. Soften toward every part of yourself. Breathe.
3. Soften all resistance to what is here. Feel the energy of your body, emotions, and mind. Feel whatever pain you may be having. Don’t label or think about it, just sense it fully. Don’t push anything away. Breathe.
4. Allow the waterfall that is the experience of each passing moment to wash over you. Just for this moment, accept fully and forgive yourself for all the failings and faults, all the regrets and mistakes that are marching through your mind. Let go of the fight and allow yourself to be just as you are right now. Breathe.
5. Now return to the top and continue the practice. Close your eyes as you are able, repeating the steps and continuing to soften and breathe.

“Owning up to the ‘good-bye’ that is built into our finite human existing makes possible the saying of an authentic ‘Hello!’ ” —Robert D. Stolorow

For most people, death is something that will happen to us someday. Not today. Not tomorrow. But sometime in the future, distant enough that we need not concern ourselves at the moment. In other words, we ignore it and forget about it. Yet in doing so, we forget who we are. Death is not just something that happens at the end of life. It is a part of us throughout, whether we confront it or not. In facing death, traumatic as it may be, we cannot help but change, grow, and clarify what it is that we love and care about most. The preciousness of time comes to the fore.

It’s true that people understand death in different ways. Does the soul continue on or does it die with the body? Is there life after death, or does it end with this one? Whatever one’s beliefs about the hereafter, death is the end of life as we know it. When a loved one dies, he or she departs from us in a way that is undeniable. We are forced to notice their importance to us, as well as everything we value. In romantic relationships, as often depicted in romantic comedies, each partner’s love becomes inestimable often only after it has been tested with the threat of loss.

Confronting death as an ever-present reality means mourning the loss of all we hold dear. It is no mystery that death is not a favored topic for cocktail conversation. It’s often depressing and lacks a joy and levity that is so much a part of life. When a loved one dies, we often say that he or she “passed on,” avoiding the harsh word of death, attempting to soften the painful reality for the sake of our loved ones. Few people choose to spend their lives isolating themselves with thoughts of death. It is isolating because it forces us to depart from ordinary social values.

David Fincher’s film Fight Club (1999) is a dark and violent satire that exposes the superficialities of commercial life and hints at the meaninglessness of life altogether. And yet the film holds great potential to discover meaning. The antihero Tyler Durden recruits a large number of young men into his “fight club,” and insists they shun the values associated with ordinary social life, particularly advertising. “You’re not your job,” he preaches. “You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet.” Durden pulls these young men away from their ordinary day-to-day living into a profound confrontation with themselves. He prescribes to his followers that they let “what truly doesn’t matter slide.” Fincher’s film hints at the sort of existential confrontation I’m trying to describe. Durden insists to his pupils, “You have to know, not fear, that someday you are going to die.”

It would be a mistake, however, to conflate the commentary on death in Fincher’s fight club with my own. Fincher’s Durden develops a following, a cult of sorts. He removes people from the social conformity of ordinary life only to foster a new conformity to the cult of fight club. Confrontation with death, whether through the loss of a loved one, escaping the threat of physical harm, or simply philosophical contemplation, is always traumatic. It leaves one disoriented, forcing us to abandon the thoughts and beliefs that root us in everyday life. Fincher’s fight club finds its way toward destruction and a certain kind of meaninglessness, where there’s little, if any, light at the end of a dark tunnel. The commentary on death in Fight Club treats life recklessly, not carefully. In coming to terms with death, life needs to be respected in order to preserve the opportunity for growth. It is then that from darkness may come great illumination.

One of the basic ingredients of good psychotherapy is being understood. People often do not consider what it means for a therapist to understand. Ideas vary from one school of therapy to another—even from one therapist to another.

Some look for understanding through causes. How did you get to be the person you are? What early experiences may have taken part in forming your personality?

Some therapists focus on understanding in a manner rooted in biology. Do you have a shortage of neurotransmitters that are designed to make you feel happy—to give you a sense of well-being?

Others are more interested in understanding what you experience as you go through the world. What does it feel like to be in your shoes—to have your anxieties, loves, fears, and hopes?

Most therapists use a combination of these modes, as well as many others I haven’t mentioned. In my view, there is a critical part of understanding that provides a profound respect for your humanity—a sort of understanding that is familiar to all of us, but is not an ordinary part of the therapeutic literature.

I’m referring to the process of understanding a person precisely how that person understands himself or herself. I believe the modes of understanding that I have mentioned are critical, but having someone see you in the way you see yourself is foremost. There is subtle disrespect in a therapist’s bypassing your self-understanding toward an investigation that lies beneath—whether it be unconscious phenomena, biochemistry, or even felt experience—as your experience in the world is not quite the same as your evaluation of it.

[fat_widget_right]It’s true that we all have blind spots, and therapists are in a position to notice things we may not. We collaborate with our therapists to investigate the mysteries of the unconscious, the unknown, and what we don’t understand about ourselves. That quest has been a part of therapy since its inception. But wouldn’t it make sense for therapist and person in therapy to have dialogue about that first?

For example, does your understanding of self-discovery differ from that of your therapist? Presumably, nobody is the expert when it comes the most important human questions—those that matter most to us. Therapists in their craft have something to teach: Sigmund Freud’s technique ignited a passion for self-inquiry lasting more than 100 years and still burning. However, the extent to which you may have something to teach often is overlooked.

Following one of Freud’s favorite metaphors, as the archaeologist penetrates beneath the earth’s surface, the psychoanalyst does the same with the mind. In a descending excavation, the height of great aspirations—the astronomer’s sky—may be inappropriately understood.

Therapists can become preoccupied with your biases and misconceptions. They may lose sight of the independent dignity of what you see. What are the things you love and hold dear? Why do you love them? What are the things that guide your life? Love? Family? Truth? Beauty? Security? What are your highest aspirations? Your virtues? Strengths? What are your opinions about the most important things? The universe? And how do you understand your place in it?

Many therapists develop understandings of people in therapy in relation to these questions. However, it might be a mistake to believe these investigations lead only to an illusory superstructure under which your real truth lies. These questions are integral to being human and hold an independent dignity. They cannot be reduced to something else. It is a terrific advantage if your therapist welcomes the things that are most dear to you and understands them on your terms with the utmost seriousness.