A man with glasses appears stressed or sad, holding his phone near a festive Christmas tree, possibly affected by seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
Winter blues
Holiday Depression

If you’ve found yourself dreading the 5 p.m. darkness and are struggling to feel motivated to do everyday life, you’re experiencing what many people wrestle with every winter. With this time of year comes the holiday season, which is supposed to be about connection, joy, and celebration. But for many, it feels more like a slog marked by exhaustion, emotional withdrawal, and a sense of emptiness.

Winter can be hard on your mental health, and the cultural pressure to be festive and grateful can make that struggle even heavier. When everyone around you seems to be thriving while you’re struggling emotionally, it’s easy to believe something is fundamentally wrong.

But the truth is more compassionate and nuanced: Your struggle isn’t a personal failing or a lack of willpower or gratitude.

It’s simply science. If you’re tired of struggling to navigate through the holiday season, this article offers a different path forward. Below, you’ll see that you’re not alone, and there are actionable strategies for protecting your mental health during the winter

→Read More: Depression Defined: What to Know

Winter Mental Health Challenges: SAD Is More Than Just a Bad Mood

When the winter months feel difficult, it helps to really understand what’s going on from a scientific and biological perspective. The official term for “winter blues” is seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a type of depression prompted by a change in seasons, mainly fall and winter, when we experience less daylight and sunshine.

5%
of people in the U.S. affected by SAD annually
2-3%
of Canadians experience SAD each year

It significantly affects as many as 5% of people in the United States and 2-3% of people in Canada each year. But even if you don’t have a true SAD diagnosis, winter can still significantly impact your emotional well-being.

Those affected by winter blues may become more withdrawn, don’t eat as well, avoid going outside, and experience a low, dysthymic mood that leaves them not feeling like themselves. While these symptoms can vary from person to person, you don’t need to hit a clinical threshold for your experience to be valid or worthy of attention. If the holidays or winter in general, consistently makes life feel harder, cloudier, or lonelier, that’s enough reason to seek support and implement strategies that help.

Why Winter Hits Different: The Science Behind SAD and The Winter Blues

Winter blues is science: your body is responding to real environmental changes in predictable, biological ways. Researchers believe it’s connected to changes in light exposure that disrupt our circadian rhythm and neurotransmitter activity, especially serotonin and melatonin, which help regulate mood and sleep.

How Light Affects Your Mood

Sunlight Exposure

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Vitamin D Production

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Increased Serotonin

Person in dark coat looks out frosted window at snow-covered tree with lights, reflecting on seasonal affective disorder.

Through our eyes and through our skin, when we have exposure to daylight, our bodies create vitamin D from that sunlight, and that increases serotonin, which helps us balance our good feelings. When we don’t have that exposure to sunlight, our vitamin D levels go down, and therefore our serotonin goes down.

Plus, during the holidays, many people experience complicated feelings like grief over lost loved ones, stress about family dynamics and social commitments, financial anxiety, or more. These psychological stressors compound the biological struggles that winter already creates.

This isn’t about your character, your resilience, or your ability to “think positive.” Your brain chemistry is literally being affected by environmental conditions beyond your control.

4 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health This Time of Year

When it comes to navigating SAD or winter blues, you don’t have to suck it up and get through it. Instead, try these behavioral strategies that can make this time of year not feel so heavy.

Create Structure When Your Brain Craves Hibernation

When your motivation disappears and everything feels effortful, structure becomes your friend. Prioritizing light exposure by getting outside or light machines, sticking to your daily routine, and maintaining social connections can make a meaningful difference when holiday chaos and winter cold feel overwhelming.

Consider the following:

The goal isn’t productivity for productivity’s sake. It’s preventing the downward spiral that happens when isolation, inactivity, and irregular routines feed depression.

Rethink Your Relationship With Light

Maximizing exposure to natural sunlight, especially for at least 20 minutes in the morning, is a simple and effective way to reduce SAD symptoms. But when it’s freezing outside, and you’re already feeling depleted, “just going outside” can feel like an impossible ask.

Instead, start smaller. Open your blinds as soon as you wake up. Move your workspace closer to a window. Take your coffee outside for five minutes, even if it’s cold. These aren’t cure-alls, but they’re practical steps that work with your reality rather than against it.

For some people, light therapy using a specialized light box can be helpful. Light therapy involves sitting near a specially designed light box for about 20-30 minutes each morning to help trick your body into responding as if there’s more daylight.

Stay Connected Even When You Want to Disappear

One of the biggest ironies of winter depression is that the time when you most need social support is when reaching out feels most difficult. Staying socially connected is an important way to manage symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, even across physical distance.

You don’t need to force yourself into large gatherings or pretend to be cheerful when you’re not. Small, authentic connections are what matter. A text exchange with a friend, a brief phone call with a loved one, or committing to attend one social event per week, even for an hour, can help you stay connected with others. Making a plan to limit social time with those during the holidays who add stress, rather than calm, to your life is also a good way to ensure you build social connections without depleting your social battery.

→Read More: Discover More Benefits of Community

Move Your Body Any Way You Can

Regular exercise can boost serotonin levels and improve mood, working wonders for your mental health. But working in physical activity doesn’t have to mean grueling gym sessions or outdoor runs in the cold. Here are a few accessible movement ideas that you can work into your routine:

The goal is consistency and compassion for your body and mind, not punishment. Any movement that gets you out of your head and into your body can help interrupt rumination and boost mood-regulating chemicals.

When Self-Help Strategies Aren’t Enough: The Role of Therapy

Sometimes, no amount of light exposure, social connection, or routine-building is enough to get you through winter. That’s not a failure: you just may need more tailored support to help you navigate this season. The right therapist can provide exactly that.

What Therapy Offers That Self-Help Can’t

A therapist provides tips and techniques for addressing your mental needs, but they offer a space where your experience is heard without judgment, where patterns you can’t see on your own become visible, and where you can build personalized coping strategies tailored to your specific situation.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has been shown to be particularly effective in treating Seasonal Affective Disorder. CBT helps you identify and challenge the thought patterns that keep you stuck (like “I’ll never feel better” or “something is wrong with me”) and replace them with more balanced, helpful perspectives.

Therapy is about reframing thoughts and understanding the full picture of what you’re dealing with. Depression often happens with other conditions, such as physical ones or other mood disorders, substance abuse, or anxiety. A trained therapist can help you understand how different factors in your life interact and affect your mental health.

→Read More: Want to Find the Right Therapist? See Our Step-by-Step Guide

How to Start the Therapy Conversation

At GoodTherapy, we know that making the step to ask for help can feel overwhelming. Knowing you need help is different than actually seeking it.

If this sounds like you, start by admitting this: “I need to talk about something I’ve been dealing with.” That’s it. You don’t need to have everything figured out or articulate your entire mental health history perfectly. A good therapist will help you find the words and understand what you’re experiencing. The sooner you reach out, the more tools you have to work with before symptoms intensify.

Warm glowing candle on a stone slab against a blurry blue winter window, symbolizing comfort against seasonal affective disorder.

Don’t just talk to anyone, though: finding the right therapist matters, too. At GoodTherapy, our therapist quiz helps you find professionals based on specific concerns, treatment approaches, insurance, location, and availability. You can look for therapists who specialize in depression, seasonal affective disorder, and related mental health challenges. Someone who understands your experience can create a space where you feel heard and supported.

Find Your Therapist Match

Take our quick quiz to connect with the right professional for your needs

Take the Therapist Quiz

Building Your Winter Mental Health Survival Plan: Mental Health Checklist to Fight Depression

Reading about strategies is one thing, but actually implementing them when you’re in the thick of winter and holiday depression is another. That’s why we have an easy checklist you can follow to turn knowledge into action this winter:

This week:

  • Choose one small structural change (like a consistent wake time)
  • Reach out to one person you trust
  • Open your blinds first thing every morning
  • Notice without judgment how you’re actually feeling

This month:

  • If symptoms persist, research therapists who specialize in depression or SAD
  • Consider talking to your doctor about vitamin D levels
  • Schedule at least one social activity, even if it’s virtual
  • Experiment with one form of gentle movement

This season:

  • Build a support team, whether that’s a therapist, close friends, or both
  • Track what actually helps (not what you think “should” help)
  • Give yourself permission to scale back on obligations that drain you
  • Celebrate small victories, like getting outside or showing up for therapy

Remember: Mental health struggles don’t resolve in a single conversation or with one perfect coping strategy. This is about building sustainable support systems and being willing to learn what works for you.

Don’t Wait for Spring: Take Action Now

The most important shift you can make isn’t about suffering your way through another winter. It’s about exploring what you need, what strategies work, and recognizing that asking for help is not weak: it’s self-love.

With the right tools, support, and professional help, you can navigate these months with more resilience, self-compassion, and stability. The holidays can add pressure to feel happy and joyful, but don’t let social expectations guilt you. Your struggle is real, your experience matters, and help is available right now.

You Deserve More Than Survival

Ready to find support? GoodTherapy’s directory makes it easy to connect with therapists who understand seasonal mental health challenges and can help you build a personalized plan for coping. You deserve more than just survival: you deserve to feel like yourself again, even in the middle of winter.

Start Finding Your Therapist

References:

Mayo Clinic: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Cleveland Clinic: Seasonal Depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

National Library of Medicine: When Routines Break: The Health Implications of Disrupted Life

National Library of Medicine: “Shedding Light on Light”: A Review on the Effects on Mental Health of Exposure to Optical Radiation

Across Boundaries: Seasonal Affective Disorder in Canada, with a Special Lens on Racial Dynamics

Man in red shirt leans on railing to look at cityMost people crave social connection. While social media, endless apps, and new technology promises to connect more people, many people feel lonelier than ever. While isolation can be a trigger for loneliness, loneliness and isolation are not identical. A person can feel lonely even when surrounded by others, especially if they don’t have deep connections that feel meaningful to them.

Loneliness doesn’t just feel bad. It can have profound implications for health. Some research even suggests that chronic loneliness can be as harmful to a person’s health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Research on gender differences in loneliness is mixed. Some studies show that women are lonelier than men; others show the reverse. Most researchers, however, agree that single men tend to be especially lonely, and that certain social norms governing masculinity may increase the risk of loneliness in men. Some early research on loneliness also suggests men may be less likely than women to admit to feelings of loneliness.

Social Isolation in Men

Studies consistently find that women are more likely to have dense social networks than men. From childhood, women are socialized to value friendship, confide in their friends, and to foster deep intimacy with close friends. Even when men have many friends, they may feel uncomfortable sharing emotions or airing feelings of vulnerability.

A 2018 analysis of people living in rural regions found that 63 percent of men felt comfortable opening up to friends, compared to 74 percent of women. Women were also more likely to participate in activities, such as church gatherings, that foster friendship and a sense of community.

Although social isolation is a serious concern among single men, research suggests that emotional feelings of loneliness are even more important. A 2011 study tied social isolation to reduced life satisfaction, but the link was even stronger for emotional loneliness. Researchers also found that male university students were significantly more likely to report emotional feelings of loneliness than female students.

How Stigma Can Be a Cage

Masculine social norms teach men that vulnerability is weakness. Homophobia is also prevalent. Straight cisgender men may fear being labeled “gay.” These two forces can make it very difficult for men to reach out to others in friendship. Even when men have friends, they may fear judgment if they display weakness or ask for help.

Heterosexual male friendships often feature a boastful sort of masculinity, in which men brag about their sexual prowess, their financial success, or their independence. This culture can make it hard for men struggling in their relationships to share their challenges. It also shows men that the ideal man is one who uses others—not one who invests deeply in interdependent relationships.

This isolation can be a self-replicating intergenerational cycle. Men may discourage sons from showing weakness or emotion. Boys also witness their fathers modeling stoic behavior and may mimic it. In this way, the stigma of emotionally connecting to other men passes from one generation to the next.

The Marriage Effect

Men in most studies are more likely than women to have long-term partners. These partners can ease some loneliness. Indeed, many men rely on their partners as a primary or sole source of emotional support. This increases men’s vulnerability to loneliness when relationships end or partners die. A 2017 survey found women are more comfortable being single than men. Sixty-one percent of single women in the UK reported being happy, compared to just 49% of single men.

In addition to supporting their male partners, women in long-term heterosexual relationships may help them socialize by building and fostering social networks. Emotional labor like remembering birthdays, sending holiday cards, planning family get-togethers, and scheduling outings with friends has traditionally fallen to women. When a man loses his partner, he may lose an important social lubricant. That may mean losing friends and social opportunities.

How to Build Bromance

Building friendships with other men can be challenging, especially when a man is no longer in school. A few strategies may help:

Therapy can help many men practice and master new social skills. Men may also benefit from therapy when social anxiety impedes relationships or when loneliness is so severe that it leads to depression.

GoodTherapy connects people to caring, ethical therapists who can help with a range of challenges, including loneliness and making new friends. Find a therapist who can help you here.

References:

  1. Henning-Smith, C., Ecklund, A., Moscovice, I., & Kozhimannil, K. (2018). Gender differences in social isolation and social support among rural residents [Ebook]. University of Minnesota Rural Health Research Center. Retrieved from http://rhrc.umn.edu/wp-content/files_mf/1532458325UMNpolicybriefsocialisolationgenderdifferences.pdf
  2. Neville, S., Adams, J., Montayre, J., Larmer, P., Garrett, N., Stephens, C., & Alpass, F. (2018). Loneliness in men 60 years and over: the association with purpose in life. American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 730-739. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6131432
  3. Salimi, A. (2011). Social-emotional loneliness and life satisfaction. Procedia – Social and Behavioral Sciences, 29, 292-295. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042811027029
  4. Sex differences in loneliness: the role of masculinity and femininity. (1998). Sex Roles, 38(7-8). Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023%2FA%3A1018850711372#page-2
  5. Yarrow, A. (2017). All the single ladies: 61% of women in the UK are happy to be single, compared to 49% of men. Retrieved from https://www.mintel.com/press-centre/social-and-lifestyle/all-the-single-ladies-61-of-women-in-the-uk-are-happy-to-be-single-compared-to-49-of-men

Girl sitting on windowsill, looking outside at some trees.Some people use the words “isolation” and “loneliness” interchangeably, but this does not reflect the true meaning of each term. Isolation may lead to loneliness, and in some cases, loneliness may exacerbate isolation. Both have been found to occur with other mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.

Knowing how loneliness and isolation are distinct and related can help people who struggle with them best address and work through these issues. Here are a few things to know about handling loneliness and social isolation in your life.

The Difference Between Isolation and Loneliness

Social isolation occurs when a person has little or no contact with other people. It can occur over long or short periods of time and is a distinctly physical state. Isolation specifically may be characterized by:

Isolation can have many negative emotional effects, including increased sadness, restlessness, and loneliness. While isolation can cause loneliness, the two don’t always occur together. People may find themselves socially isolated regularly as a side effect of an isolating mental health issue such as social anxiety or agoraphobia. For example, someone with agoraphobia may feel too anxious to leave their house on some days.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional state. It’s defined as feeling alone or separate from others, or as feeling empty. Loneliness may accompany social isolation but can be caused by other things, including breakups or divorce, moving to a new location, or the death of a close friend or loved one. Someone who has difficulty making friends may also experience frequent loneliness. In the case of mental health, loneliness can accompany depression, anxiety, and many addictions and phobias.

Does Isolation Cause Loneliness?

There are some cases in which isolation can lead to loneliness. Sometimes not being around others for long periods of time can make people feel intensely alone. For example, if someone works from home, they may spend all day alone in their house without much social contact, in which case they may experience feelings of loneliness. Bullying or the experience of being alienated from a social group is also likely to bring about feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness can sometimes lead to isolation. People who feel lonely for long periods of time may have a hard time engaging with others in social situations. If it seems too difficult to reach out to others or if a fear of rejection has taken hold, people may isolate themselves to deal with their loneliness. The isolation-loneliness cycle often feeds into itself but does not offer respite or relief to the people stuck in it.

In some cases, isolation and feelings of loneliness may occur simultaneously without one being caused by the others. This typically means that other social, psychological, or mental health-related factors may be involved.

How Isolation and Loneliness Affect Mental Health

Isolation has been shown in studies to affect people with mental health issues. In some cases, such as when people have anxiety or depression, isolation can aggravate what may already feel like an intense symptom. This could be particularly true when the depression and anxiety are usually alleviated by social contact.

Prolonged loneliness can even lead to health problems. Too much time alone has been shown to impact cognitive development in young people and lead to poor physical health habits. Sometimes feeling lonely for a long time can make people feel that taking care of themselves isn’t worth the effort, and they may give up eating well or exercising.

Some other effects of isolation and loneliness to look out for may include:

Loneliness may accompany social isolation but can be caused by other things, including breakups or divorce, moving to a new location, or the death of a close friend or loved one.

When Isolation and Loneliness Are Symptoms

Sometimes loneliness and/or isolation present as primary symptoms of a mental health issue. For example, if someone suddenly begins to pull away from friends and family, this could indicate that a number of potential issues. They could have depression or an eating disorder, or they may be affected by an abusive relationship. Isolation may be a first sign of many mental health issues, so identifying the unique context of each situation is key in order to understand it.

Loneliness and isolation can be symptoms of the following mental health issues, among others:

Risk Factors for Isolation and Loneliness

Just as with any other issue, some people may be more susceptible to isolation and loneliness than others, although anyone can become isolated or feel lonely. People who have recently had traumatic life changes, who live in tumultuous home environments, or who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence or abuse may be more prone to both loneliness and isolation.

For example, a person who’s recently been divorced and has moved to a new neighborhood may feel the absence of their former partner and community, causing them to be lonely. Additionally, an elderly person whose spouse has died may be isolated in their day-to-day life, which may lead to loneliness and poor health.

People who live in abusive homes may isolate themselves because the shame of their environment makes them think they can’t talk with others about their life. They may also feel intensely lonely if they become worried no one will be able to relate to their life experiences.

Getting Help

If you’re feeling lonely or experience isolation for long periods of time, it may help to reach out to a licensed mental health professional who can offer support as you work through those struggles. Not addressing prolonged loneliness and isolation can negatively impact your physical and mental well-being.

If there is a deeper mental health issue causing your feelings of loneliness or isolation, a therapist can help treat that issue and put you on the path to your best self. Remember that you are not alone and there is never shame in asking for help.

References:

  1. Cherry, K. (2018, November 20). What you should know about loneliness. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749
  2. Ge, L., Heng, B. H., Ong, R., & Yap, C. (2017, August 23). Social isolation, loneliness and their relationships with depressive symptoms: A population-based study. PLOS One. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0182145
  3. Hawthorne, G. (2008). Perceived social isolation in a community sample: Its prevalence and correlates with aspects of peoples’ lives. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 43(2), 140-150. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-007-0279-8
  4. How to cope with loneliness. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/#.WzV1gxJKiRs
  5. Stickley, A., Koyanagi, A., Koposov, R., Schwab-Stone, M., & Ruchkin, V. (2014). Loneliness and health risk behaviours among Russian and U.S. adolescents: A cross-sectional study. BMC Public Health, 14, 366. Retrieved from http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/14/366
  6. What is loneliness doing to your brain? (2018, June 27). Retrieved from https://www.seeker.com/videos/health/what-is-loneliness-doing-to-your-brain
  7. Williams, Y. (n.d.). Social isolation: Definition, causes, and effects. Retrieved from https://study.com/academy/lesson/social-isolation-definition-causes-effects.html

Dear GoodTherapy,

Ever since my dad died last year, I have had no one to talk to. And really, I had no one to talk to for the last three years of his life, ravaged as he was by Alzheimer’s.

I don’t have any other family. I have no close friends, no husband or boyfriend, and no children. It’s just me and my constant companions: emptiness, loneliness, and my 8-year-old dog Roxie. When she goes, my life will truly be meaningless. Sometimes I hope she outlives me. If God had told me this would be my life, I would have stayed put.

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I’m not kidding when I say I can go three or four days without saying a word to anyone. I write, but it’s just for me (except this letter). Writing is like talking to myself, so that’s something, I guess. And it keeps me from losing track of language altogether. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting to lose my mind the way Dad did.

So now that you know how pathetic my life is, go ahead and tell me there is “hope” if only I do this, that, and the other thing. I probably won’t believe you, but I wouldn’t be writing if I had given up completely. —In Solitary

Dear Solitary,

Your letter inspires my curiosity, not my advice. I’m not going to tell you to do anything because I believe you already know what to do—you’re just not ready. Perhaps you’re too mad or too sad. Both, maybe? What I will say is caring for your dad for three years took a lot out of you. You’re flattened, your energy seemingly used up.

It’s time for renewal. I think that’s why you wrote this letter. I don’t know what you do to care for yourself. I don’t know what you like to do, what you’d like to learn to do, or what you’d like to do differently, but you probably know the answers. Knowing what to do can be a lot easier than doing it, of course.

I’m not sure what you mean when you write, “If God had told me this would be my life, I would have stayed put.” Stayed put where? In a different house, job, city, state, state of existence? There are hints of hopelessness in your words, but there is always hope. Sometimes it helps when someone removed from your situation points it out. Speaking of hope, I hope you will consider working with a therapist for this reason. No good therapist is going to tell you what to do, but they will walk with you through the hardest parts until you see your own way forward.

Can you use your compassion and commitment for yourself, too? If not, why not?

Had you always lived with your father? Had you always lived the same way? You cared for your dad, Alzheimer’s and all, for three years. You know plenty about commitment and devotion to others. I wonder where and how you learned. Did someone once care for you that way? Can you use your compassion and commitment for yourself, too? If not, why not?

I have a lot of questions. Maybe too many. Do you ever question yourself? You write, so I’m guessing you do.

You are clearly lonely, but you know how to reach people if you want. You’ve put yourself in solitary confinement. I wonder what you’ve done to deserve this. Or what you think you’ve done.

Is it punishment or choice? Maybe you like having time alone, too. After all, you don’t have to take care of anybody except yourself and your dog.

You think your life is “pathetic”? I don’t think so. I think you’ve got plenty going for yourself. You just need to decide to use what you have.

Take care,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Person with crew cut and some facial hair sits in front of laptop, chin in hand, looking tired and drainedHow do you feel right now? Great? Okay? Not so good?

If you aren’t feeling your best, taking a moment to HALT is one of the best things you can do for your overall mental and physical health.

“Halt” translates to “stop” in German. But HALT is also an acronym that stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When one or more of these areas are out of balance, it is more likely we will struggle with health and overall well-being as a result. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on whether you are feeling any of these things.

Let’s break each area down.

Hunger

Think about how poorly you feel when you are hungry. When your blood sugar gets low, you may get a headache, become irritable, or find it difficult to concentrate. These effects are the result of the brain releasing certain chemicals that interfere with the production of serotonin, a feel-good chemical.

We might jokingly say we are “hangry,” but this is a real thing. Hunger can put the body in an imbalanced state that can lead to mood swings, affect our ability to make decisions, and lower our impulse control. When you get physically hungry, it’s important to refuel your brain and body with nutritious food. If you know you are going to have a long workday, drive, or carpool ride, plan ahead. Assemble meals and snacks that include fruits, nuts, cheese, yogurt, or protein bars. It’s also important to stay hydrated. Water and decaffeinated teas offer many health benefits. [fat_widget_right]

Hungry can also refer to how we feel emotionally. Sometimes our everyday tasks and schedules take a toll on our mood and well-being. If you are bored with your routine, consider doing something to mix it up. Spend time with someone you haven’t seen in a while. Take an impromptu car trip! You might even consider trying an activity you have never done before—research shows that the human brain produces dopamine, a feel-good chemical, when we experience things for the first time.

If you aren’t feeling your best, taking a moment to HALT is one of the best things you can do for your overall mental and physical health.

If your emotional hunger persists for more than several weeks, it may be time to assess your routine. It’s one thing to experience a draining period while pushing through to meet a deadline, but quite another when the thought of work or facing certain people only inspires dread. If this is the case, it may be time to explore making some changes. If your activities of daily living are negatively being affected or if you often turn to unhealthy behaviors or substances to cope, the support of a therapist or counselor may be beneficial.

Anger

When we are angry or experiencing negative emotions, we may not be able to think rationally. If you feel angry, take some time to calm down first. Try to talk through what you are feeling with someone. Then you may feel better able to address the problem. If the issue is a chronic one, it can be helpful to break it down into manageable tasks. If you are able to take even one step forward, you are likely to feel less hopeless and helpless about the situation.

When in the midst of anger, it is generally a good idea to wait at least two hours (and maybe even speak to someone in person) before touching technology. In other words, no texting, tweeting, e-mailing, or posting! You don’t want to impulsively put something out in cyberspace that you may regret later when you are in a more rational state.

Loneliness

We all experience loneliness at times in our lives. Even when people surround us, we may not be actively interacting with them. What’s more, with all of our modern technology, many of us are plugged in electronically but not connected emotionally. Think about the number of times you may have made a problem much worse in your head by imagining the situation into a catastrophe. Once you actually talked out what was wrong, you gained a much more positive perspective.

It’s generally a good idea to reach out every day and connect face-to-face with other people, whenever possible. Isolation can be a breeding ground for depression and unhealthy choices. Even brief encounters can help reduce feelings of loneliness and have a positive impact on well-being.

Tiredness

Making sure we get enough sleep at night can help improve not only our physical well-being, but also our emotional health. When we are physically and emotionally tired, we are often more likely to engage in more negative thinking patterns and interactions. How much sleep is “enough”? Experts recommend seven to nine hours. Anything less than six can have damaging effects, such as an increased risk of accidents, diabetes, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

It’s also important to practice good sleep hygiene. I know sleep hygiene is a funny phrase. It doesn’t mean you’re a dirty sleeper. It refers to the habits that make restful sleep more conducive. These habits include getting up and going to bed around the same time each day, reducing distractions that interrupt sleep (pets, television, or the phone), monitoring caffeine and sugar intake, managing stressors, and limiting exposure to bright lights (light interrupts the biological process that allows melatonin levels to rise and help us drift off to sleep).

In Conclusion

When you find yourself getting upset, or if you just feel a bit off: HALT. Take a moment to do an internal assessment. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If so, take the steps necessary to address your needs. Note if you often tend to be out of balance in one area. Be intentional about correcting that area. By proactively making sure you never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, you can help protect yourself against many illnesses and mental health symptoms.

References:

  1. Dean, N. (2018, February 26). The Importance of Novelty. Brain World. Retrieved from http://brainworldmagazine.com/the-importance-of-novelty
  2. Hunger hormone increases during stress, may have antidepressant effect. (2008, June 16). UT Southwestern Medical Center. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080615142252.htm
  3. LaMotte, S. (2017, September 27). Sacrificing sleep? Here’s what it will do to your health. CNN. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/19/health/dangers-of-sleep-deprivation/index.html

Adult with curly hair pulled back in bun sits on floor, looking out window, working on letterHave you ever felt lonely and wondered why? We don’t have to be alone or isolated to feel alone. Loneliness can happen when we are with family, when we get along well with other members of our community, and even when we have many friends on social media. So what, exactly, is loneliness? We feel lonely when we perceive that our social needs are not being met. Loneliness is an internal, subjective matter, explains Judith Shulevitz, science editor of The New Republic, in her 2013 essay on loneliness. It’s not about what’s happening to us on the outside, but rather what’s happening on the inside—how we think and feel about a situation.

Loneliness is an experience, a feeling of social disconnection. It can be induced by loss or a major life transition. Changing schools, a miscarriage, or a breakup can result in feeling lonely. All of these experiences share in common a broken connection. But more importantly, they share the perception one lacks an emotional bond, a bond we’re meant to have with others. How we perceive it may depend on our past.

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John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth describe this bond in infants and their parents (or primary caregivers) in their well-known attachment theory (Mercer, 2006). Their research suggests that, like infants, adults rely on an attachment figures to feel safe and supported. In fact, we unknowingly learn about relationships from attachment experiences in our early years. The attachment behaviors that develop when we are young tend to predict the way we behave when we are older. Thus, it can be insightful to think about our relationships with our parents as we grew up.

Another perspective on loneliness is that of evolutionary science. In this view, human survival depended on our ability to collaborate and share resources, explains Lynch (2017). We’re meant to connect and share our lives because our survival depended on it. We’ve become hard-wired to be social.

We know the distress loneliness causes human beings in extreme cases of social disconnection. Think, for instance, of the consequences of solitary confinement, which may include emotional distress, perceptual distortions, and self-harm. Think of the movie Cast Away, where Tom Hanks, depicting a man stranded on an island, created an imaginary friend out of a volleyball. It’s far from inconceivable. Our need to connect is strong.

Our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

There is still much to learn about loneliness. Scholars continue to explore this topic, and contributing factors are still under study. However, research to date suggests emotional intelligence (EI), defined as the ability to identify and manage emotions, can be a strong predictor of loneliness (Zysberg, 2011). In other words, our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

How can we use EI to overcome feelings of loneliness?

Commitment to actions that may alleviate loneliness is an important ingredient for success. It can be helpful to schedule time each day to work on these changes. Cognitive behavioral therapy remains a popular treatment for loneliness (Russo, 2018). If you can’t shake feelings of loneliness, consult with a mental health professional.

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References:

  1. Lynch, T. (2017). Lonely apes die—A new psychotherapy for chronic depression and anorexia nervosa. Retrieved from https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/lonely-apes-die—-new-psychotherapy-chronic-depression-and-anorexia-nervosa
  2. Mercer, D. (2006). Understanding attachment: Parenting, child care, and emotional development. Westport, CT: Praeger.
  3. Russo, F. (2018). The toxic well of loneliness. Scientific American, 318(1), 64-69.
  4. Shulevitz, J. (2013). The lethality of loneliness. Retrieved from https://newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you
  5. Zysberg, L. (2011). Loneliness and emotional intelligence. The Journal of Psychology, 146, 37-46. doi: 1080/00223980.2011.574746

Young student with short hair sits on bench, looking lonely, backpack nearby“I have no friends,” said a recent high school sophomore during an emotional therapy session. She’s not alone—I hear it daily working with adolescent girls. As adults, we often scoff and wonder how this could be. But the truth is, teenagers today feel isolated and more alone than ever. Even in the age of social media, with constant digital connection, lack of deep friendships is creating a secluded void.

While everyone feels lonely from time to time, the number of teenagers who tell me they feel friendless is unnerving. When I probe deeper and ask why they feel this way, and how it happened, similar patterns emerge across the board.

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As adults, we are often quick to think, “Just go make a friend.” Today, it isn’t that easy. There are social media platforms to navigate, reputations to discern, disconnections to hurdle. It can feel overwhelming to start. Whether accurate or not, any perceived challenge can make a teen more likely to not reach out to someone as a friend. For instance, it’s a common perception among teens to view themselves as unlikable. “She doesn’t like me, she never even looks at me in the hallway,” I hear often.

Even in the age of constant virtual connectedness, we live with personal and intimate disconnectedness. Teens can have “friends” on Facebook but often feel left out when others are having fun on Saturday night and they weren’t invited. Classmates may comment on a teen’s Instagram photo but forget to invite them to join a movie night.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless.

Social media also provide an inherent friendship killer—competition. That’s what social media are often used for—showing off, looking cool, and stirring envy. Taking a selfie is often work for teens. They may feel the need to look their best from every angle, and it often takes a few tries to get it “right.” When the end result turns out to be a fabulous photo, social media followers may forget that the person in the photo can also have zits, a broken heart, and family conflict.

How can teens learn to have healthy friendships in this competitive, disconnected culture we live in? Here are 10 suggestions you can give your teen:

  1. Some people are popular only because everyone is afraid of them. That is no way to have friends; that’s a dictatorship! Look around at the people who are friendly, but not super popular—that’s where you’re likely to find the people who stay out of drama.
  2. Understand that there can be levels of friends. You can have a class friend, a tennis friend, and a best friend. They are all important to your well-being!
  3. You can’t always find friendship in your phone. Look up and outward. Put your phone away and connect in person. Start with a friendly smile and work up from there to a kind “hello.”
  4. Have an acquaintance whom you like? Take a risk and ask them to do something with you. Go to Starbucks, see a movie, do a project. Even if you are scared, ask. Taking risks and asking often deepens relationships.
  5. Try a new activity. If you are an artist, join Art Club! That is where your kind of people are probably hanging out.
  6. Don’t be so quick to assume that everyone dislikes you. What do they know about you? Do you walk through the halls with your head down and a distressed look on your face? You could be inadvertently sending an inaccurate impression visually. Maybe lighten up a bit, walk to class with a friendly face, and take a chance by smiling at someone. See what happens as an experiment.
  7. Look for evidence. Are you sure that person “hates” you? What are the facts? Feelings are not facts—we need to look for actual evidence to support your feelings. Maybe you’ll find you didn’t have all the facts and misread a situation.
  8. Learn social skills. Find safe topics that everyone likes to talk about such as food, animals, weather, television shows, and holidays. Ask questions, don’t give one-word answers, and be polite. Learn the art of interviewing – it’s essential to get to know someone!
  9. Be vulnerable. Tell someone something about yourself. Start with a small detail that you don’t care if people know and grow it from there.
  10. Assume people are good and want to have a friend. Almost everyone wants to be connected.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless. Understanding the impact of social media, lack of personal togetherness, and the absence of trust can help adults guide teenagers through the vulnerable emotions of friendship making.

Lonely young man shot from behind at subway station with blurry moving train in backgroundThe last two red numerals on the clock changed to zeros, three hours after Stacy had promised herself she’d be in bed. Tonight was going to be different, she had vowed. She’d shut it all down early—right after she checked her Twitter feed. But the numbers in the tiny alert circles on her phone never disappeared. She had to let her online friends know she was still playing the game. She wanted to watch just one last YouTube video. There was just one more link she had to check out.

She scrolled down. The low battery light was on. Bummer, the wall connection must have come loose. She plugged the phone back in, fell into her already unmade bed, and turned off the light. Once again, she hadn’t washed her face, flossed her teeth, or packed the nutritious lunch she’d planned for the next day. She knew she wouldn’t make the morning exercise class either. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, she never wanted to wake up and face another bleak tomorrow. No one understood.

Stacy had thought it would be easier to make friends after graduation. Work would provide a community, she was told. But everyone was always so busy, so in a hurry, so overwhelmed, so married, so caught up in their own lives, so mesmerized by their phones, so unavailable for friendship. No one had anything to give, and she couldn’t put a name to her feelings, to the black hole sucking her in.

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Loneliness can be an excruciating emotion, and one that is hard to label. It can often elude people while they’re busy browsing photos, commenting on social media posts, or playing games—things that appear to create feelings of friendship but may not truly do so.

Today, we can connect with others quickly and easily, in more ways than ever before in human history. Yet we are lonelier than any previous generation. In twenty years, we’ve lost two-thirds of the social connections we used to have. Rates of depression, teen suicide, and addictions are on the rise at a time when life-threatening dangers are at all-time lows for a majority of humanity.

So then, if people have more proximity and more ability to communicate with each other than ever before, why do so many of us experience these crushing feelings of loneliness?

Loneliness May Increase with Reliance on Technology, Changing Cultural Values

The causes of loneliness may not be readily understood or addressed. Even though there are more humans on the planet, and the pool of potential friends may be wider due to technology, many activities that used to require human interaction no longer do. We can shop from home without interacting with a retail clerk or salesperson. We can visit a drive-thru or order takeout and eat dinner alone. Earbuds insulate us when we are around others, and even when we do make eye contact, others are often in a hurry.

Even though there are more humans on the planet, and the pool of potential friends may be wider due to technology, many activities that used to require human interaction no longer do.

Our use of technology and the interactions we have online can impact our state of loneliness significantly, but how the internet specifically affects feelings of isolation can be complicated. Lonely people may find more feelings of connection digitally, for example, but a person who only connects to others digitally and desires other types of connection may be dissatisfied with this way of being part of a community, and their sense of isolation in the external world may increase.

Many social institutions once required for survival are not automatic any more. People of generations past were socially obligated to participate in family religious practices, cultural celebrations, rites of passage, and other traditions. Individuals were identified by these distinct circles, and they showed up, if for no other reason than to avoid ridicule or ostracism. Past generations often had no choice about belonging to their religious and ethnic communities, but today, many people see these circles as voluntary and less able to fill their emotional needs. Some individuals may not even know what community events are offered.

The heterogeneous nature of many modern communities offers increased diversity, greater acceptance of others, and more choices, but these benefits are accompanied by greater personal responsibility. To join and belong requires more individual risk, as new communities are not under the past obligation of accepting a new member simply based on heritage or family ties.

Even education, an institution historically requiring group affiliation and interaction, is now gravitating towards seclusion. Degrees can be obtained online, but even when classes take place in a classroom, digital class notes, internet registration, and online book purchases are all done in isolation in front of a screen. Participating in a group discussion through a message board and submitting online reviews may be the closest thing to socializing some students experience.

Families are often spread out, and some may be estranged. Individuals today may have greater opportunity to find groups that are more accepting, more like-minded, or even more accessible than their biological families, but getting out and physically joining these groups requires more social risk and courage. Even if a lonely person finds the motivation to join a desired group, their emotions can sometimes sabotage a good thing. Research shows one lonely person may destabilize the cohesion of a group. Further, any failures or disappointing experiences a person has can make trying again all the more difficult.

Without built-in social circles and expected participation in family activities, joining and showing up requires more vulnerability and greater personal commitment. Even when a new circle of friends might be welcoming and accepting, a lonely person may not realize this right away, or ever. Research has shown that people who feel lonely are less able to pick up signals of commitment from others, and this can leave a lonely person feeling left out even when they’re really welcomed in.

Beyond these listed barriers to finding connection and attaining a sense of belonging, our culture tends to value independence and autonomy. Some people may not want to admit to feelings of loneliness out of a fear they will be seen as weak. But humans are social animals. We advanced as a species by forming tribes, villages, and devout groups that made us feel special and protected. We sat at fires, told stories, made plans, and felt connected. But as these age-old institutions become more voluntary and less obligatory, membership became more of an individual responsibility.

Learning to Find a Community

I often see people in treatment who have deep feelings of loneliness. They understand these feelings to be a sign that something needs to change, and with good reason: loneliness can have significant and serious effects. It can increase the risk of physical illness and mortality by up to 32%. Further, loneliness can spread and often occurs in clusters, meaning lonely people may be more likely to have lonely people around them, which can contribute to feelings of hopelessness.

Research has shown that people who feel lonely are less able to pick up signals of commitment from others, and this can leave a lonely person feeling left out even when they’re really welcomed in. 

Isolation, and resulting loneliness may develop as a symptom or effect of certain mental health conditions, and working through these issues with the help of a qualified professional can, in turn, help a person overcome isolation and loneliness. But loneliness may have other causes. With busy schedules, digital communication, and personal attendance at events required less frequently, many of the people I work with aren’t even aware of the possible communities available to them. I generally encourage them to browse Meetup.com groups in their area and volunteer opportunities in their communities.

Even making a list of possible groups is a great start for those who are nervous, anxious, or otherwise finding it hard to take that first step. Write the dates and addresses of interesting activities in the calendar. Doing this will increase the chances of you actually attending. Find a colleague or associate who is willing to go along the first time. If you’re nervous or reluctant, think about how you’ll feel when other people are happy to see you and miss you when you are absent. Think about what you can bring to a group that enhances the experience of others. Are you funny? A good listener? Do you have new ideas? Are you willing to help out with projects? And so on.

Another satisfying way to connect might be giving back from the place of one’s own wounding—in other words, helping others who are now where you once were. This may be on an individual basis or you might choose to assist an already established group, using the hardships you have experienced in your own life as expertise and credibility to reach out and lend a hand to others just beginning a difficult journey.

Some ideas:

Bars, parties, or activities focused on drugs or alcohol, while often easy places to meet people, may not be the best places to find true friends. Looking for friendship in places where people are anesthetizing their emotions may set you up for eventual emptiness that is not worth the emotional shortcut. While it is certainly possible to find friends in these places, you may find it more helpful to seek out friendship in places people are attempting to better themselves (classes, houses of worship, athletic endeavors, causes, travel destinations, and so on) or the world (volunteer events, charity drives, community meetings, and so on).

Remember Stacy? She eventually found a farm-to-table cooking class where she met friends who cared about the environment and liked to cook and eat well. Her self-care habits improved, giving her the energy and motivation to attend classes and events after work. She found a rekindled sense of enthusiasm and creativity in the class and looked forward to exploring dining experiences with her new friends.

You, like Stacy, are a unique individual with special qualities and talents. You deserve to have people in your life who accept you for who you are and enjoy your company. You are a gift to the communities where you show up. Though taking a risk on finding a true connection may seem an insurmountable task, things often seem more daunting before we try. But in the end, we often realize it wasn’t so hard, after all, and wonder why we were so afraid.

References:

  1. Cacioppo, J. T., Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A., (2009). Alone in the crowd: The structure and spread of loneliness in a large social network. Journal of personality and social psychology, 97(6). Retrieved from https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1319108
  2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2). Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1745691614568352
  3. McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., & Brashears, M. E. (2006, June 1). Social isolation in America: Changes in core discussion networks over two decades. American Sociological Review, 71(3). Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/000312240607100301
  4. Morahan-Martin, J., & Schumacher, P. (2003). Loneliness and social uses of the internet. Computers in Human Behavior, 19(6). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563203000402
  5. Raphael, T. J. (2014, October 23). The world is actually safer than ever. And here’s the data to prove that. PRI.org. Retrieved from https://www.pri.org/stories/2014-10-23/world-actually-safer-ever-and-heres-data-prove
  6. Yamaguchi, M., Smith, A., Ohtsubo, Y. (2017, January 15). Loneliness predicts insensitivity to partner commitment. Personality and Individual Differences, 105. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886916310005
  7. Yao, M. Z., & Zhong, Z. (2014). Loneliness, social contacts, and internet addiction: A cross-lagged panel study. Computers in Human Behavior, 30. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563213003063
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