Suicidal thoughts are often treated solely as symptoms to be eliminated or risks to be managed, yet this narrow focus can overlook their deeper meaning. Many people who experience suicidal thoughts are also carrying unresolved trauma, loss, or chronic emotional pain. This article explores what suicidal thoughts may be trying to tell us, reframing the desire for death not as a literal wish to die but as a signal that something in a person’s life, identity, or relationships has become unbearable or unsustainable. When these thoughts are approached with curiosity, compassion, and attention to meaning alongside safety, therapy can become a space where individuals feel understood rather than silenced, and where genuine change can begin.
If safety feels uncertain
If you or someone nearby may act on suicidal thoughts or cannot stay safe, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline now, use 988 chat, call local emergency services, or go to the nearest emergency room. The National Institute of Mental Health warning signs can also help loved ones recognize when immediate support is needed.
Why Suicidal Thoughts Are So Often Misunderstood
For many people, the moment suicidal thoughts arise, fear takes over. Individuals may feel ashamed, frightened by their own minds, or convinced that something is deeply wrong with them. Friends and loved ones often react with panic, while professionals may quickly move into assessment and crisis management.
While safety is essential, fear-based responses can unintentionally shut down the very conversations people most need to have. When suicidal thoughts are treated only as emergencies or warning signs, individuals may learn that honesty leads to consequences rather than care. As a result, many people hide these thoughts, even as they continue to suffer internally.
This silence can be deeply isolating. Instead of feeling supported, individuals may feel reduced to a problem that needs to be fixed or controlled. Over time, this can reinforce the belief that their pain is unacceptable or too much for others to hear. GoodTherapy’s guide on talking and writing about suicide offers helpful language for approaching the subject with care.
Key insight: Safety matters, but people are often more willing to talk honestly about suicidal thoughts when their pain is met with steadiness instead of panic.
A Different Lens: Suicidal Thoughts as Communication
Many people who experience suicidal thoughts are not expressing a true desire to die. Rather, they are expressing a desire for their pain to end. This distinction matters.
Suicidal thoughts can serve as a form of communication when other ways of expressing distress feel unavailable or unsafe. They may emerge when someone feels trapped, overwhelmed, exhausted, or disconnected from meaning and connection. In this sense, suicidal thoughts are not evidence of weakness or failure but signs that something in a person’s internal or external world is asking for attention.
Seen through this lens, the question shifts from “How do we make these thoughts stop?” to “What are these thoughts trying to tell us?” This reframing does not minimize risk. It makes room for both suicide prevention and a more humane understanding of pain.
PainA desire for pain to stop+
Suicidal thoughts may point to emotional pain that has exceeded a person’s current capacity to carry it alone.
LossA grief that has not been witnessed+
When grief is minimized, delayed, or unsupported, suicidal thoughts can become one way the mind signals that something important still needs care.
TraumaA nervous system stuck in survival+
Trauma can leave the body scanning for danger and the mind searching for escape, even long after the original harm has passed.
SupportA need for agency, connection, and safety+
The presence of suicidal thoughts can be a signal that support needs to become more immediate, collaborative, and compassionate.
A meaning-focused question can sound like
What feels impossible to keep carrying? What has gone unheard for too long? What kind of support would make the next hour safer? What would make life feel one small degree more livable?
The Role of Trauma, Loss, and Chronic Emotional Pain
For many individuals, suicidal thoughts are closely tied to unresolved trauma or loss. Trauma can disrupt a person’s sense of safety, identity, and trust in others. Loss, whether sudden or prolonged, can leave emotional wounds that do not heal easily, especially when grief is minimized or unsupported.
Chronic emotional pain may develop when someone has spent years feeling unseen, unheard, or required to carry more than they are equipped to manage. Over time, this accumulation of pain can overwhelm the nervous system. The body and mind may enter a state of exhaustion, where continuing to endure feels impossible.
In these moments, suicidal thoughts may arise as an imagined escape from relentless suffering. This does not mean the person truly wants life to end. Often, it means they cannot see another way forward. The CDC’s suicide risk and protective factors note that relationship, community, health, and life circumstances can all shape risk and protection.
GoodTherapy’s article on how complex trauma changes a person offers additional context for understanding why long-term pain can affect safety, trust, and identity.
When Survival Takes Precedence Over Living
Some people experiencing suicidal thoughts have spent much of their lives in survival mode. They may appear highly functional, meeting responsibilities, caring for others, and seeming capable. Internally, however, they may feel numb, disconnected, or deeply lonely.
Survival mode can keep someone alive, but it does not necessarily make them feel alive. When life becomes reduced to endurance rather than meaning, suicidal thoughts may surface as a response to this inner deadening. They can reflect a longing for rest, relief, or an end to constant striving.
Understanding this context allows for a more compassionate response, one that recognizes how much strength it has taken to survive up to this point.
A More Helpful Pathway
Unbearable pain
Honest language
Safety support
Meaning and agency
The Limits of Risk-Only Approaches
Traditional approaches to suicidality understandably focus on risk assessment and prevention. These strategies save lives and are often necessary. However, when risk management becomes the sole focus, the deeper emotional story can be overlooked.
Checklists and assessments do not capture the full complexity of human suffering. They cannot fully explain why someone feels trapped, empty, or hopeless. When people sense that only certain answers are acceptable, they may disengage or minimize their experience.
This does not mean safety should be ignored. Rather, it suggests that safety and meaning must be held together. When individuals feel heard and understood, they are often more willing to engage honestly in conversations about safety and support. For loved ones, GoodTherapy’s suicide prevention guide outlines ways to respond with directness and care.
How Therapy Can Create Space for Meaning
Therapy has the potential to offer something many people experiencing suicidal thoughts have never had: a space where their pain is taken seriously rather than feared or dismissed.
In a meaning-oriented therapeutic approach, suicidal thoughts are explored gently and respectfully. Clients are invited to talk about what feels unbearable, what has been lost, and what feels impossible to change. Instead of rushing to solutions, therapy slows the process down, allowing understanding to emerge.
These conversations do not encourage harm. They honor the reality of suffering while opening pathways toward agency, connection, and hope. If you are considering therapy, GoodTherapy’s step-by-step guide on how to find the right therapist can help you think through fit, safety, and support.
Looking for support?
You can use GoodTherapy to search for a therapist who can help you talk through suicidal thoughts, trauma, grief, and emotional pain with care.
Rebuilding Trust After Difficult Therapy Experiences
Some individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts have previously sought help and felt misunderstood, dismissed, or even harmed. These experiences can make it difficult to trust therapy again. When someone has learned that vulnerability leads to invalidation or control, they may approach new therapeutic relationships with understandable caution.
Acknowledging this history matters. Therapy can be effective only when trust is built slowly and collaboratively. A respectful therapeutic process emphasizes transparency, choice, and pacing, allowing clients to remain active participants in their own care.
Over time, consistent attunement and honesty can help repair not only the relationship with therapy but also a person’s relationship with themselves.
Reclaiming Agency and Choice
One of the most important aspects of healing is the restoration of agency. Suicidal thoughts often arise when people feel powerless, trapped, or unable to influence their circumstances. Therapy can help individuals reconnect with choice, even when options feel limited.
Agency does not mean forcing positivity or making drastic changes overnight. It may begin with small acts of self-understanding, boundary setting, or self-compassion. As people begin to understand what their suicidal thoughts are communicating, they can explore new ways of responding to their needs.
This process often includes learning to recognize emotional and relational patterns, identify values and sources of meaning, develop healthier ways to ask for support, build tolerance for difficult emotions, and imagine change without overwhelming the nervous system.
When depression is part of the picture, it can be especially important to have timely support. GoodTherapy’s article on depression and suicide explains when to seek help and why warning signs should be taken seriously.
When Hope Feels Out of Reach
Hope is often misunderstood as optimism or certainty. For people experiencing suicidal thoughts, hope may feel distant or unrealistic. In therapy, hope does not need to be forced or manufactured.
Sometimes hope begins as a sense of being less alone. Sometimes it shows up as curiosity, or as a willingness to stay present for one more conversation. These small shifts matter.
Healing is rarely linear. There may be moments of progress alongside moments of discouragement. A supportive therapeutic relationship can help individuals stay connected through these fluctuations, offering steadiness rather than pressure.
A Compassionate Closing
If you or someone you love experiences suicidal thoughts, it is important to know that these thoughts are not a personal failure. They often reflect pain that has gone on too long without adequate support. They may be signaling unmet needs, unresolved grief, or a longing for change that feels out of reach.
Understanding what suicidal thoughts may be trying to tell us does not replace the importance of safety. It deepens it. When people feel understood rather than judged, they are more likely to reach out, stay engaged, and explore new ways of living.
Therapy can be a place where these conversations are held with care, respect, and honesty. When meaning and compassion are allowed alongside safety, the possibility of genuine and lasting change becomes more accessible.
If you are struggling or feeling unsafe, reaching out for support can be an important step. Speaking with a trusted person, a mental health professional, or a local crisis resource can help you navigate this moment with care and support. The NIMH 5 action steps can also help loved ones respond when someone is in emotional pain.
Frequently Asked Questions
Direct answers about suicidal thoughts, therapy, trauma, grief, and immediate support.
Take the Next Step
You do not have to make sense of suicidal thoughts alone. Compassionate support can help hold both immediate safety and the deeper meaning beneath the pain.
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About the Author Kristin RobertAssociate Marriage and Family Therapist Kristin Robert is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in Westlake Village, California. Her work centers on helping individuals and couples navigate intimacy, loss, betrayal trauma, grief, anxiety, relationship patterns, and major life transitions. Her GoodTherapy profile lists her work with teens, adults, and elders, and concerns including grief and loss, anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship pain, life transitions, and suicidal ideation and behavior. Her approach emphasizes compassion, honesty, meaning-making, and support for people navigating painful or uncertain seasons. |
I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.
Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.
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What Finding Closure Really Means
Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.
Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.
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“ This is the closure: The lack of respect was the closure. The lack of apology was the closure. The lack of care was closure. The lack of accountability was the closure. The lack of honesty was the closure. |
Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure
Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.
Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.
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Key Insight Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But finding closure goes one step further. Closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past and to begin moving forward, on your own terms. |
Is Closure Really a Myth?
Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.
I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:
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“ Closure is a myth. The way people leave you, the way they exit your life, the way they leave their relationship or connection with you, is all the closure you need. Find clarity in actions, not words. |
This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.
Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice
Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.
It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.
What Finding Closure Gives You
I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.
Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.
It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.
I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.
Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.
Closure is finding peace.
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Ready to Work Through It with a Therapist? A licensed therapist can help you navigate the journey of healing, forgiveness, and finding closure at your own pace. |
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Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC |
About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward. |
Those of you who know me personally are aware that my son Nikolai passed away in November. Our family has been navigating this unimaginable loss, and while everyone’s grief is unique, I wanted to share a few tips for those who may want to support someone going through it. One thing that has been instrumental in helping us cope is the overwhelming love and support from our community. If you’re wondering how to be there for a friend or family member, below are a few things that have truly made a difference.
Tips That Have Helped Me
Offer Practical Help: Please don’t ask me what I need, especially in the early months of grief. Often, I don’t even know what I need. Offering practical support can be a game-changer. Our community set up a meal train, if you don’t know what this is, look it up, because it saved our family tremendously! Friends brought over groceries; some asked what we needed, while others simply brought staples. Offering to help with things like carpooling kids can also be incredibly helpful. Sometimes small gestures make a big difference, and every act of kindness is so appreciated.
When in Doubt Reach Out: There are times when I need solitude to process my feelings, but that doesn’t mean I want to be forgotten. I don’t want to be left alone entirely, I truly don’t. If you’re unsure how to show support, a simple text is more than enough. If I’m not in a place to respond, please don’t take it personally. We could go for a walk or just sit and talk. Even if I don’t take you up on it right away, knowing you’re there means the world.
Avoid ClicheÌs: Phrases like “They’re in a better place†or “Time heals all wounds†can unintentionally minimize the pain. Acknowledging my grief without trying to fix it allows me to feel seen and understood.
Celebrate the Memories: Say his name. Tell me any memories you have. I want to know that he is still remembered. Celebrating their life rather than focusing only on their absence can be a great comfort.
Avoid Comparisons: Please don’t compare your pain to mine, and please don’t say you understand—because, truthfully, you can’t. Everyone’s grief is deeply personal, and while your intentions may be kind, comparisons can unintentionally diminish what I’m experiencing.
Listen Without Judgment: There are days when I need to talk, vent, or even express emotions I can’t fully understand. Having someone who listens without offering solutions or judgments is invaluable. Just letting me feel heard is incredibly healing.
To those who have been walking with me through this journey, thank you. Your support means the world. If you’re supporting someone through grief, know that even the smallest gesture can have a lasting impact.
The first Christmas after my son died, I couldn’t put up decorations. Christmas was a challenge to be endured rather than an anticipated event. We, as a family, talked and shared memories about Andrew. We honored the traditions; opening presents, chattering to each other. We ate a lot. We talk about that Christmas as “we got through it.â€Â
The second Holiday season was harder and easier. I had a template of how to do it. At the same time, I realized Christmas would always tinged with loss. I grieved the loss of our family; the sense of everyone being together for Christmas. We again chose to spend Christmas away from home. Christmas became smaller and less important. That worked for us. Â
 The next couple Christmas’s (we’re at 5 this year) became a pattern. I am now able to put up some decorations in the house. The tree, with handmade ornaments, has stayed impossible. I now say, when there are children, I’ll consider having Christmas at home. Â
 There has been some pushback. Relatives saying out loud they want to see us at Christmas. We have invited them to ours up north. That hasn’t worked as a solution. Someone asked when this different Christmas “would be over†as if my grief, and my families loss would end. Hurtful but…Â
 I think those comments come from seeing us grieving and wanting us to feel better. To me, it’s flawed thinking. I do feel better. Christmas remains difficult. Full of memories and longings for my son Andrew to be here again. He was such a big funny happy person. He loved Christmas. What helps me is to know he is in our hearts and watching out for us still. But this comfort doesn’t much touch the reality of the season.. he isn’t here, creating new memories. Â
 People have different experiences with the loss of a child. Different ways of grieving, different stages. I don’t believe my grief will end. Which goes against some mental health perspectives. Â
 What has worked for me is to accept my suffering. Accept that I will always grieve. This acceptance made life better; I am able to be happy. I am able to look forward to the legacy of my son. He was a happy person. He would want me, all of his family to be happy. To seek happiness. To laugh more.Â
 I have accepted Christmas in a new form. Periods of happy times; watching the gift opening and the music, the games, the food. Times with some real pain going on inside. Â
 So here’s the advice I offer to you, the grieving person. Honor yourself. Honor your feelings. The people who love you are not you. They often struggle between fear of their own losses, sadness at watching you, and impatience or even resentment at the way you have changed. Let them have their feelings. Challenge your feelings of shame, the thought that you need to put on a happy face, to make it easier for them. Â
Loss is a messy business. Full of feelings. It’s also a part of life. Every Christmas, rooted in family traditions, should be different. I challenge the expectation we should just “go on†as if nothing happened. Something big happened. Loss should change us. Not overwhelm us. At least not always overwhelm us.  Â
The first year I cried in front of strangers, neighbors, in stores, and out on a walk. I overshared. I worked, I compartmentalized, I numbed out. I wrote in a journal. I meditated. I exercised. It all helped a little bit. There were hours where I felt significantly better. They didn’t last. My grief and loss comes in waves. The waves are less intense now. Happiness, joy, my sense of humor, my signature curiosity have come back. That said, I’m not the same. Â
Since my son’s death, I have learned the cliche, that life can change in an instant is deeply true. I have done more, gone more places, challenged my fears, laughed at myself, lost friends, gained friends, and more openly loved the people I love. Â
Creating a legacy to my son has helped me meet many people, expand my definitions of loss, gain positive perspectives, and practice gratitude. All are helpful in this new landscape. I’ve also felt jealousy at others easy talk about their children, been angry at the universe, and felt misunderstood and alone. Â
My parents passed away before my son. I miss them. I talk about them. I talk to them sometimes! For me, the loss of a child is like being in an entirely different country. Different language, different landscapes. I’ll share two parts which I don’t see enough about in the world. Â
When I became a parent, my wiring changed. I felt a biological imperative to keep my children alive at all costs; even at the cost of my own life. I failed to keep my son alive. Those are the facts to me. I comfort myself knowing I tried every way I could. But denying the failure, denying the imperative just didn’t work. What worked was accepting I failed. From failure came forgiveness. I continue to work on forgiving myself for that failure. Â
We have to work with regret in loss. We all made mistakes. We continue to do so. “What if†is not a helpful phrase. What if I did this or that? The truth is you will never know if that would have worked or helped. Try not to beat yourself up with what if… Even if “it†worked or helped someone else. Â
Lastly, I offer comfort. Know as you stand with your family this Holiday season following your traditions, you are not alone. There are many people with you. Give yourself credit for showing up, for accepting this holiday is different, for bearing joy and sadness in the same body. Know every house has losses. Honor those who are not here with a toast, a memory, a joke. As Andrew would say, “Come on! Let’s go open presents!â€Â
The holiday season is a time when there are expectations to be “togetherâ€, “joyous†and to “celebrate.†These descriptive words can greatly differ from the pain, despair, and loneliness that accompany grief and loss. Holiday commercials, social plans, work events, community events or our own memories of past experiences can be triggering and painful for anyone, let alone those who have been through recent, significant, or unresolved loss(es). Below are some examples of ways to cope ahead and manage grief during the holiday using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-based techniques. Â
Cope Ahead for the Holidays
- Create a cope ahead plan that lists anticipated triggers and specific coping skills you can apply to each. This could include grief reminders, thinking patterns or expectations, family dynamics or comments from others. Keep this cope ahead plan on an accessible piece of paper so that you can reference it as needed.Â
- Engage in increased emotional buffers leading up to and during the holiday season. Emotional buffers don’t “fix the problem†however they can help to give us more emotional resilience when we are faced with increased stress or triggers. Examples can include various forms of self-care, setting boundaries, accessing support, engaging in hobbies or enjoyable activities, and focusing on healthy and balanced eating, exercise routine, or sleep schedule.Â
- If you have a trusted support system, communicate to them that you may have a hard time this holiday season and/or maybe â€off.†Tell them what you need or how they can support you. This can be validating and give a chance for increased support.
Allow Yourself Space to Grieve
- Structured grief journaling includes going in and out of emotional pain so that you can feel more in control of your grief experience. This can include 20 minutes of grief journaling (with topics such as what you miss about the loss, your feelings of anger or sadness, or writing directly to what you lost) followed immediately by cognitive distraction (ABC game where you pick a topic and go A-Z, or anything that will distract your mind). Â
- Mindfulness can be used to stay present with your emotions and help to “ride the wave†of grief triggers. This can help avoid extremes of avoiding or rushing through emotions or feeling “pummeled” by them. Examples can be as simple as saying to yourself “I notice a grief trigger,†“I notice I feel sad†or “I notice tension in my body.â€Â Â
- Remember that painful emotions are okay, healthy, and a normal part of the grief experience. Validate your feelings and use known coping skills to manage their intensity or duration so that they don’t become too overwhelming.Â
Consider Making Meaning of the Loss
- Making meaning can be any way you choose to honor or connect with what you lost. There is no right or wrong way to do this and this can be very personal and/or spiritual. Examples may include adapting holiday traditions in some way, special physical items that you keep accessible (pictures, jewelry, clothing, etc), symbols of grief, or reflecting on what the loss has taught you in regard to values, priorities, or life lessons. Â
- This can come later in the grief process after the pain has been processed. You may not be ready for this by the time of the holiday season and that is okay. Â
Have Realistic Expectations and Be Gentle with Yourself During and After the Holidays: Â
- Please remember: HOLIDAYS CAN BE HARD. GRIEF IS HARD. It is okay and expected to have a mix of feelings or responses.Â
- Don’t pressure yourself to be happy or sad and try to keep your expectations neutral and thoughts balanced. Examples can include “I am struggling with the holidays this year, and that is okay†or “I don’t know how I feel and that is okay.â€Â Â
- Allow yourself time to rest, decompress, recharge, or take space as needed. This may be an extra day off work, having some alone time, allowing yourself space to do something special for you, or taking time to reflect, journal, or process your grief and experience over the holiday season.Â
Our pets are our family, there for us when we need them, and always a part of our hearts. Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is an emotional and heart-rending experience, especially when the decision to euthanize is involved. You may find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of grief, loss, and guilt, wondering if you made the right choice. These emotions are deeply personal and reflect the profound bond you shared with your pet — an unjudging companion who brought love, comfort, and joy into your life. While this pain may feel insurmountable right now, know that there are ways to navigate through this difficult time, honor your pet’s memory, and begin the healing process.
Prepare for the Grieving Process
Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia can be one of the most challenging experiences you’ll ever face. Your animal companion provided love, support, and a sense of connection, making the loss even harder to bear. When it comes time to make the decision to euthanize, it marks the end of an important relationship — often one of the most cherished relationships in your life. It’s essential to acknowledge that grieving this loss is natural, and it’s okay to feel deeply affected by it.
The grieving process is different for everyone. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief — denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance — are a common framework, but remember that these stages don’t always occur in a set order. You may cycle through them or experience them at different intensities. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace.Â
Don’t be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated. Losing a pet can leave a significant void, and it may take some time for you to come to terms with this profound change in your family and life.
How to Cope with Grief
Be Kind to Yourself
Healing after the loss of a pet takes time, and it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself during this process. You might feel guilt, regret, or second-guess your decision, but remember that you made the choice with your pet’s best interests in mind. All things are impermanent, and it is this that contributes to the special bond you and your pet had. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up, and don’t rush the healing process. Take time to honor your pet’s memory in ways that feel meaningful to you, and remind yourself that your grief is valid.
Seek Out Social SupportÂ
The importance of social support during grief over the loss of a pet cannot be overstated. When we lose a close relative in death, the world tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners who had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.
While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.†The world around us doesn’t always seem to understand that our pet was not “just a dog†or “just a cat†and that we cannot “just get a new one.†For these reasons, it’s even more important to seek the support of those who understand what you’re experiencing. Social support — whether from family, friends, or pet loss grief support groups — can make a massive difference in the grieving process.Â
Understanding the Impact of Pet Loss
The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can greatly disrupt your daily life and unbalance other existing relationships you have (such as with a spouse, children, parents, or colleagues).
It’s important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time. It may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our beloved pets?
Seeking Professional Help
If you find it difficult to talk about your grief with others or if your feelings become overwhelming, seeking professional help from a therapist may be the best option. A therapist can offer guidance, help you process your emotions, and provide tools to navigate this challenging time. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you need additional support.
Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities
Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia often involves adjusting to a new daily routine. Your pet was a significant part of your life, and their absence can create a profound emptiness. Engaging in meaningful activities can help you cope with your grief and start to heal.
Activities to Help Cope with Grief from Putting Pet to Sleep:
- Volunteer at a local animal shelter: Giving back to animals in need can be a healing way to honor your pet’s memory and fill the void left by their absence.
- Memorialize your pet: Consider making a donation to a local shelter or rescue in your pet’s name. You can ask friends and family to contribute, which can also serve as an opportunity to share memories of your pet.
- Learn about therapeutic approaches to grief: Reach out to a therapist to explore different methods for coping with your loss, such as journaling, meditation, or group therapy.
- Write a letter to your pet: If you’re struggling with guilt, write a letter to your pet explaining your decision to euthanize. This can be a powerful way to process your feelings and find closure.
What You Can Do for a Grieving Loved One
When someone close to you is grieving the loss of a pet, your support can be incredibly valuable and life-changing. Here’s how you can help:
Offer a Listening EarÂ
One of the most meaningful things you can do is simply be there to listen. Grief can be isolating, and having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Let them share their feelings and memories without judgment or the pressure to move on.
Provide Practical SupportÂ
Grief can make even everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical support can help relieve some of the burden and allow your loved one to focus on their emotional healing. Here are some ways to offer your assistance:Â
- Run errands for them
- Prepare meals
- Help with household chores
- Offer to take care of any remaining pet-related tasks, like cleaning up or donating unused supplies
Provide Social Support
Inviting your loved one to social activities can offer a welcome distraction and some emotional relief. However, it’s important to be understanding if they prefer to stay home or need more time alone. Respect their boundaries while letting them know you’re there when they’re ready.
Respect Their Grieving ProcessÂ
Everyone grieves differently, and it’s essential to respect your loved one’s unique way of mourning. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or telling them how they should feel. Instead, offer support in a way that honors their individual process.
Feeling Alone in Your Grief? Find Support Today
The loss of a pet cuts deep, but in your grief, remember that the love and bond you shared will always be a part of you. Losing a pet may be one of life’s most difficult experiences, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s finding comfort in memories, leaning on loved ones, or seeking professional support, help is available. Your pet brought you unconditional love, and now, in their memory, it’s time to extend that same compassion to yourself. Reach out for support when you need it, and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
References:
- Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
- Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
- Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
- Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
- Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8
How to Support a Loved One After a Miscarriage
A miscarriage is a devastating loss for a mother, their partner, and their family. In many societies, the cultural norm is for the mother to keep it to herself, or between her and her partner, and mourn privately. This can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, and loneliness for those affected by the miscarriage. Even though miscarriages are common occurrences, people can feel very alone in their pain. The cultural conversation about miscarriages is changing as more women with public platforms share their experiences. Last year, Chrissy Tiegen and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, wrote articles about their miscarriages that had a substantial effect on how we talk about this topic.Â
Last month, New Zealand passed a law mandating a three-day bereavement leave for mothers who miscarry and their partners. This is an important move toward recognizing the grief and physical trauma that miscarriages can cause, and we are hopeful that more countries will adopt similar policies. But supportive policies are only one part of coming alongside those affected by miscarriage. Supportive friends and family who walk with a mother, couple, or family through miscarriage provide something that policies can’t. To better care for loved ones in this kind of difficult time, we need to understand and destigmatize miscarriage, respect the grieving process, and be flexible, taking our cues from those loved ones about what they need.Â
What Is a Miscarriage?
A miscarriage is an unexpected loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. Many miscarriages occur before the mother realizes she’s pregnant. Miscarriages are common: According to the March of Dimes, for every 100 women who know they’re pregnant, 10-15 of those pregnancies will terminate in miscarriage. There are many causes of miscarriage, and not all of them are known.
The Impact of a Miscarriage
A mother’s body may need up to a month to recover from a miscarriage. Mothers who have miscarried are more at-risk for postpartum depression with subsequent deliveries. Emotionally, the effects vary. Miscarriage is often emotionally fraught for the mother and her partner, if she has one. This is especially true if they’ve had weeks or months to bond with and prepare for the arrival of their child. Although early pregnancy loss differs from other kinds of loss, everyone involved can still experience grief. This loss can be world-changing for parents who care deeply for their little one, yet never got the chance to meet them. Parents often experience symptoms like depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, and even resentment toward others. They may fear future miscarriages, especially since it’s common to not know a definitive reason for the event.Â
What You Can Do
It can be difficult for someone experiencing this kind of loss to express or understand what they need. There is no perfect thing to say, no sure-fire offer of help to make. But that doesn’t mean that your support isn’t needed or valued. Here are five ways you can come alongside a loved one facing a miscarriage.Â
1. Listen.
Do not assume you know what loved ones need during this time. Even if you experienced miscarriage, remember that everyone deals with grief differently. The most important thing you can do is to listen to them. Take your cues from them. Do they want distraction? Do they need to vent? Do they want talk and weep over their loss? Be attentive when they express even the slightest need and step in to meet that need if you can.
2. Be open to talking about the miscarriage.
Make it clear you are available to talk about the loss. Miscarriage is painful on many levels. The hopes the parent had for this child, the expectant excitement around the baby’s expected arrival, the deep love growing in the hearts of parents as the fetus developed are all suddenly, heart-wrenchingly disrupted. Parents may want to talk about any and all of these things. Let your loved ones decide when and how they want to talk about their loss, but be ready to go there when they are.
3. Choose your words carefully.
It can be easy for you to forget and say something careless or unintentionally hurtful. Avoid trite platitudes, such as “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “You have an angel watching out for you now,” “You can always try again,” or “At least you already have a kid.” These statements ring hollow and give the impression that you’re trying to gloss over what has happened. Parents never forget about their lost pregnancy and can be hurt by your words, no matter how long it’s been.Â
If you want to say something, stick with statements that acknowledge their pain and don’t try to fix it, such as “I’m so sorry, this is awful, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.” “I love you and I’m here for you” is also a great thing to convey.
4. Offer to help out with physical needs.Â
Grief can drain people of their energy. It’s nice to offer to help with whatever your loved ones need, but sometimes, it helps to give a specific offer for them to respond to. If you’re able, suggest some practical ways you could help them. Help with meals by sending a gift card for a delivery service or making and dropping a meal. Offer to provide childcare or pick their kids up from school. Cover a shift for them at work. Think of their circumstances and what might slip through the cracks while your loved one mourns their loss.Â
5. Validate them, their experiences, and their feelings.Â
Lastly, a great way to show support to anyone in your life who has had a miscarriage is to validate them, their experience, and the way they feel about it. Let them know that what they are feeling is valid and normal and that there is no timeline for when they need to “move on.”Â
If you’re thinking that your friend might benefit from seeking professional help, approach it from a standpoint of normalizing seeking therapy help.
If you have experienced a miscarriage and would like to find a therapist who can help, click through to search your area.Â
References
Miscarriage. (2017). Retrieved April 02, 2021, from https://www.marchofdimes.org/complications/miscarriage.aspx
In her seminal book, On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five distinct stages of grief. Kübler-Ross worked with dying people and designed her model to describe the distinct grief of dying.
In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, a book co-authored with David Kessler, Kübler-Ross expanded her model to include many other types of grief. A modified version of Kübler-Ross’s model adds two new stages, shock and testing. This seven-stage model of grief is familiar to many people who have grieved a loss, yet little research supports the model. [amazon_affiliate]
The Seven Stages of Grief
According to Kübler-Ross, and later to her co-author David Kessler, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.
Some grief experts suggest this model might leave out two additional stages. This is sometimes called the Extended Kübler-Ross Model. According to that seven-stage model, the stages of grief are as follows:
- Shock: This is a person’s initial sense of paralysis and shock following bad news.
- Denial: Denial is an attempt to avoid the pain of the loss. Sometimes people distract themselves with other pursuits.
- Anger: Anger is a reaction to the loss of control that often accompanies a loss. A person may experience overwhelming feelings of frustration or target their anger to a specific source, such as God, a doctor, or the person who shared the bad news.
- Bargaining: Bargaining is an attempt to regain control. During this stage, a person tries to find a way to escape the pain. For example, a person dying of cancer might adopt a very healthy lifestyle, or a parent whose child is dying might spend lots of time praying.
- Depression: When bargaining fails and a person realizes they cannot control the loss, they may enter a state of intense depression.
- Testing: During this stage, a person experiments with ways to better manage and cope with the loss.
- Acceptance: During acceptance, a person integrates and understands the loss. This does not mean they are “over†it, but they are able to move forward. The degree to which a person is able to accept the loss and move forward depends on the specific loss, personal psychological factors, a supportive environment, and more.
In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler argues that the quest for meaning might be the final stage of grief before acceptance.
While the original model was presented as sequential, most grief experts now argue that a person can go through the stages in any order. They may also repeat or revisit stages, especially during times of intense emotional distress. For example, a person grieving the loss of their father might become angry over his loss when he is not present at their wedding, even if they already experienced the anger stage years before.
While the original model was presented as sequential, most grief experts now argue that a person can go through the stages in any order.
Shock: The First Stage of Grief
Grief often begins with bad news—a stunning diagnosis, a phone call announcing a loved one’s death, or an ultrasound that reveals a baby is not developing normally. This can feel like a massive blow, sending a person into a state of emotional shock. During this earliest stage of grief, a person may feel unable to process the meaning of the news.
Shock can last just a few moments or for many days. For some people, shock reappears as the grieving process unfolds. A person grieving the death of a relative may feel another wave of shock settle in at the funeral or burial, for instance.
Some hallmarks of shock include:
- Difficulty expressing emotions
- Trouble processing the meaning or effect of the news. A family member might be unable to plan a funeral, while a newly diagnosed patient may feel ill-equipped to make treatment decisions.
- Feeling numb, paralyzed, or overwhelmed
- Feeling overstimulated and in need of a break from the weight of the grief
Testing: An Often Overlooked Stage of Grief
As a person meanders through the stages of grief, they may arrive at a period of testing. This stage of grief is similar to bargaining, but typically occurs later. During testing, a person experiments with different ways to manage their grief. For example, a person going through a divorce might contemplate joining a support group, weigh the benefits of a new hobby, or consider dating.
Testing differs from bargaining in that testing is about finding sustainable strategies for living with bad news. Bargaining is about escaping the bad news and regaining control.
A person in the testing stage may:
- Be interested in learning about grief or their specific loss
- Try new strategies for coping
- Reach out to loved ones for support
- “Try on†different philosophies or spiritual traditions
How Helpful Are the Stages of Grief?
While many grieving people report experiencing at least a few of the stages of grief, most research does not support a stage-based model of grief. A 2007 study found people grieving a death experience denial, anger, depression, and acceptance in a similar sequence to that identified by Kubler-Ross. That study, however, found no support for bargaining and found the most prevalent grief-related emotion was yearning for a lost loved one.
Factors such as a person’s social environment, how supported they feel, and the nature of the loss may also change how a person grieves.
Factors such as a person’s social environment, how supported they feel, and the nature of the loss may also change how a person grieves.
Some studies have found a person’s grief may depend on the loss. A 2016 study, for example, argues that people caring for a loved one with dementia face a unique grieving process. This is because they “lose†the person before they die but then experience another loss at death. The study proposes a dementia-specific model of grieving and argues that ambiguity is a core component of each stage of dementia grief.
The extent to which a stage-based model of grief helps people is unclear. People who experience one of the traditional stages may feel less alone when they learn their feelings are common. People who do not go through the stages of grief, however, may feel alone or stigmatized. They may even feel pressured to manifest outward signs of internal grief stages they do not actually feel.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is the natural reaction to a loss. Cultural norms, personal factors, social support, health, religious and social values, and myriad other factors may affect how a person experiences grief. Therapy can help people manage their grief and find a way forward. The right therapist may even help a person find meaning in a loss, or a sense of purpose in persisting despite the loss.
“These models can…help people understand and explain their experience. However, grief is not predictable, linear, stable, or neat. It is an experience marked by its ferocious aliveness and proclivity for shape shifting. Models run the risk of being too prescriptive…and can render people feeling like they have a map of mere country borders and seashores, not the detail or scope to actually navigate one’s way around with any seriousness. Use the seven stages as a basic introduction to the language of grief, but when one becomes fluent in their own personal grief experience, they will realize it’s a language entirely unto its own. Therapy and other therapeutic work help hold and develop the latter,†says Jade Wood, MA, LMFT, MHSA, a Washington, D.C. therapist who specializes in managing grief.
To begin your search for a compassionate grief therapist, click here.
References:
- Additional stages of grief. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.econdolence.com/learn/articles/additional-stages-of-grief
- Blandin, K., & Pepin, R. (2016, October 15). Dementia grief: A theoretical model of a unique grief experience. Dementia (London), 16(1), 67-78. doi: 10.1177/1471301215581081
- Kübler-Ross, E. (2009). On death and dying. Abingdon: Routledge.
- Maciejewski, P. K., Zhang, B., Block, S. D., & Prigerson, H. G. (2007, February 21). An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. JAMA, 297(7), 716. doi: 10.1001/jama.297.7.716
- Testing stage. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/testing_stage.htm
- The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm
The loss of a child is often considered to be the most painful, wrenching experience a person can have. The loss of an infant may be sudden and shocking or follow many months of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) visits.
Losing a baby means the loss of dreams for the baby’s future. Parents may feel they were robbed of time to get to know their child. Friends and family may never have met the child. Because infant loss follows a short life, some people find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage—not the loss of a living, breathing child. This can compound the pain and increase stigma.
Though infant loss is often painful and traumatic, it’s possible to find healthy ways to cope. The right therapist can help parents find ways to mourn and honor their child. Therapy is not about forgetting the child or the loss; instead, the goal is to work through the pain of infant loss, move forward, and find ways to seek support from loved ones. Though life may never be the same, a good life is still possible.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, during which organizations across the globe work to support parents who have lost a child.
How Infant Loss Affects Families
The loss of any child is painful, and there is no good time to lose a child. The loss of an infant presents unique challenges and sources of grief. Some common issues include:
- Getting loved ones to understand the magnitude of the loss. Because the child was around for only a short period, some parents find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage, not the death of a child.
- Recovering from trauma surrounding the loss. Many infants die following traumatic births or long NICU stays. Some die of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). In addition to grief, many parents feel exhausted by the trauma they faced leading up to or immediately following the baby’s death.
- Stigma. The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them. For example, a pregnant family member might blame the death of a newborn on a mother’s habits while pregnant. This stigma can lead to feelings of anger, isolation, and guilt.
- Self-loathing. SIDS and accidental injuries, such as falls, are leading causes of infant death. Parents whose children die of these causes may feel guilty or endlessly second-guess themselves, which can trigger immense self-loathing.
- Family trauma. The loss of a baby affects an entire family. Siblings may not know how to process the loss, and parents may feel too overwhelmed by the loss to help their other children cope.
- Relationship difficulties. Parents who have lost a child may struggle to support each other, and sometimes, desperate to understand the loss, they blame one another. Divorce rates are higher among parents who have lost a child.
- Physical challenges. The death of a baby often follows a difficult pregnancy or labor. The mother may suffer injuries along with the baby. Coping with this loss while recovering from these injuries and managing postpartum changes can be challenging.
The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them.
Stigma, Myths, and Other Challenges of Infant Loss
The loss of a baby is tragic enough, yet many families also face stigma and other myths surrounding their loss. Some people mistakenly believe one baby can replace another, so they reassure the parents that they are lucky to already have children or that they’ll one day be able to have another baby. This can undermine the meaning of the baby’s life as a unique individual and may make bereavement worse.
Some other common challenges include:
- Secrecy and stigma. When an older child dies, family members and friends have gotten to meet the child and spend time with them. When an infant dies, many people never get to know the child. Loved ones might not know how to talk about the loss and so may ignore it. This can cause parents to feel stigmatized or that they must process their grief in secret without support.
- Confusion about infant loss. Miscarriage, while tragic in its own right, is not the same as the loss of a baby. No matter how young the baby was when they died, losing a baby is losing a child, not a pregnancy.
- Barriers to bonding with the baby. Pregnancy complications and genetic defects are leading causes of infant loss. Many babies who die spend much of their lives in the NICU. In some cases, a parent might never get to take their child home from the hospital. Some parents never even get to hold their baby. This can complicate grief by making a parent feel that they didn’t get to bond with or comfort the baby.
How to Help Someone Coping with the Loss of a Baby
There’s no cure for the loss of a baby, and nothing can make the pain disappear. Grief in response to this type of loss is normal and understandable, so loved ones should not try to rush the grieving process or encourage parents to “move on.†While it is possible to recover, parents will never forget their baby. Encouraging them to do otherwise is harmful.
Some strategies to help someone who has lost a baby include:
- Encourage your loved one to talk about the baby. Acknowledge the loss rather than hiding from it. Talk about the baby using their name.
- Talk about the baby at milestones, such as the baby’s birthday and holidays.
- Find a way to celebrate the baby’s life with their parents. For instance, help them plan a memorial service or donate to a child welfare charity in the name of the baby.
- Talk about how the baby affected your life if you met the baby. Even newborns have personalities. The baby’s smile, gentle demeanor, or desire to cuddle are all things to highlight.
- Never tell the parents another baby will replace the loss. Don’t compare the death of a baby to a miscarriage.
- Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house. Don’t expect anything in return.
- Encourage other loved ones to talk about and honor the baby. If some family members are not particularly sensitive to the loss, act as a buffer.
- Be sensitive to the physical challenges of recovering from childbirth, especially if the pregnancy was difficult. Help the mother take care of her body by driving her to doctor’s appointments or going to yoga together.
- Consider helping your loved one find a support group. Being with others who have faced a similar loss can be comforting.
Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house.
Therapy for Infant Loss
Therapy can help parents find productive ways to deal with their loss. Some therapists specialize in bereavement therapy that helps parents understand their emotions, work through the loss of their child, and even find meaning in the loss. For some people, the loss of a baby inspires them to support other parents, fight childhood illnesses, or otherwise give back to their community. Therapy can help parents decide what might help them move forward.
Therapy can also help family members and couples support each other. Everyone deals with loss differently. One spouse might want time alone, while the other might need a distraction or lots of hugs. Family and couples counseling can help with identifying these needs and support families to meet one another’s needs.
Therapists gently guide bereaved families through their grief, and a good therapist never tells families to get over the loss. Instead, therapists honor the life of the lost baby while helping grieving parents continue to lead lives of meaning and purpose. Recovery is difficult, but possible. For help navigating the pain of losing a baby, begin your search for a therapist here.
References:
- For family and friends–how to give support after a stillbirth. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/family-and-friends—how-give-support-after-stillbirth
- Lyngstad, T. H. (2013). Bereavement and divorce: Does the death of a child affect parents’ marital stability? Family Science, 1(4), 79-86. doi: 10.1080/19424620.2013.821762
- What causes infant mortality? (2016, December 1). Retrieved from https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infant-mortality/topicinfo/causes
Pregnancy is often considered a joyous and exciting time. But sometimes life has other plans. Death, natural disasters, and other changes can lead to grief or trauma at any stage of life. Grief can be an unwelcome visitor in a time often filled with anticipation. It also comes with a long list of symptoms that tend to be unpleasant.
It is normal to worry about how grief may affect pregnancy. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself grieving during these crucial nine months.
Grief and Mental Health During Pregnancy
Grief is not the same as depression, but the two can share some symptoms. A person affected by grief during pregnancy may have a different experience than someone working through a mental health issue like depression. This article specifically addresses grief. But is it important to be able to distinguish between the effects of each condition. There are different approaches to managing grief and depression. Pinpointing what you experience may better help you address it: [fat_widget_right]
- Depression and similar mental health issues are often long-term. They do not always have a single cause. Professional treatment may be required to mitigate their effects.
- Grief is a period of intense sorrow or mourning. It may last for a shorter period, although this is not always the case. Usually, it occurs after a specific and sometimes traumatic life event. Grief can act in much the same way as other stressors. These stressors can trigger physical symptoms that may affect pregnancy.
Causes of Grief During Pregnancy
Miscarriage may come to mind when the topics of pregnancy and grief are discussed. This life event is indeed a source of grief worth acknowledging. But it is not the only reason for someone to experience grief during a pregnancy. Some sources of grief may have nothing to do with the pregnancy and still affect it.
Other causes of grief can include:
- Death of a close relative, sibling, partner, or child
- Unemployment
- Divorce or breakup
- Lack of shelter or poverty
Health complications for the mother or child during pregnancy can also cause grief. Any of these can effect physical symptoms that could impact a pregnancy. These life events may start a shock reaction in the body. Shock can affect pregnancy in a way similar to grief or stress.
How Grief Affects Pregnancy
Grief can affect pregnancy through its impact on hormone balance and production. Pregnancy already has an effect on hormones. When pregnancy and grief take place at the same time, hormonal changes may have more extreme effects.
The impact of grief can be varied, but there are some common patterns. Grief can cause an imbalance in serotonin production. It also raises the body’s cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. Fetuses can be susceptible to these changes. Disruptions in regular chemical production may have effects that last throughout a pregnancy. In extreme cases, these effects may impact the child’s life later on.
Grief can also worsen symptoms that typically come with pregnancy. These could include aches and pains, sleep issues, and digestive problems. Combined with a sudden loss, these symptoms may become more intense. If you are worried about any these symptoms, consult your health care provider.
Potential Risks of Grief During Pregnancy
Some symptoms of grief may increase certain risks associated with pregnancy. Most of these risks only occur if the grief is severe. Some of these risks include:
- Developmental delays. Some research suggests that stress during pregnancy could cause developmental delays for the child. This may be the case primarily for intense stress, or grief caused by losing a loved one suddenly. One study showed that pregnant mothers who lost a parent were at a higher risk for having a caesarean. Their babies were also found to be slightly smaller in weight. The weight difference was more likely to impact males than females.
- Future mental health issues. Fetal programming is a term for how the environment outside the womb can affect a fetus. This can have a long-lasting impact on how a child develops later in life. A period of intense grief in pregnancy may translate to a greater chance of neurodevelopment issues for the child. These issues could include anxiety, ADHD, and impacts on cognitive function.
- Increased likelihood of stillbirth. A 2013 study found those who had experienced five or more stressful life events within the year were more likely to experience a stillbirth. Both a high level of severity and frequency of stressful events were required to influence a stillbirth.
These risks may sound scary, but they are still relatively uncommon. There are also many ways to reduce the effects of grief. Learning to manage grief in healthy ways while honoring the grieving period may help. Good coping strategies can reduce the effects of grief on a pregnancy.
Can Grief Be a Positive Influence?
Grief does not only increase the risks of pregnancy. A little stress may actually promote a positive outcome. A 2006 study found that mothers who reported stress or symptoms of grief during pregnancy had children with more advanced motor skills and development. The sample population for this study was small and focused on low-risk pregnancies. Deep or sudden grief brought on by a series of traumatic events did not factor into this study.
Studies like these may still provide hope for those going through grief and pregnancy at the same time. Keeping up with medical appointments, working with a therapist, and using healthy skills to cope with grief may prove beneficial. Doing these things can continue to increase a child’s chances for a healthy and happy future.
How to Cope with Grief During Pregnancy
One of the best ways to maintain a healthy pregnancy during the grief period is to care for oneself. Reach out to your support network and practice regular self-care. These habits can help reduce stress and bring comfort when feelings of grief are intense. They may also provide a nurturing environment for the baby throughout the pregnancy.
Some methods of coping with grief during pregnancy include:
- Seeing a licensed therapist
- Attending couples counseling with a partner
- Talking with trusted friends
- Taking a relaxing bath or nap
- Practicing gratitude, journaling, or meditation
- Listening to music that makes you feel good
- Telling the baby stories about your loved ones
- Taking walks with your partner or a friend
There is one thing it may help to avoid if you are grieving and pregnant: worry. Obsessing over whether grief may affect a pregnancy is likely to cause further stress. Increased stress may worsen symptoms and make pregnancy more difficult. If you are struggling with feelings of grief or stress during pregnancy, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. They can teach you skills to manage grief and address any anxiety you may experience about your pregnancy.
Practicing self-care may facilitate a healthy pregnancy whether grief is present or not. It is not necessary or even natural to feel gleefully happy throughout an entire pregnancy. But managing strong or negative emotions may lead to less stress and more balance.
References:
- Black, S. E., Devereux, P. J., & Salvanes, K. G. (2014). Does grief transfer across generations? In-utero deaths and outcomes. IZA. Retrieved from http://ftp.iza.org/dp8043.pdf
- Dealing with grief during pregnancy. (n.d.). Pregnancy Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.pregnancymagazine.com/mom/dealing-with-grief-during-pregnancy
- DiPietro, J. A., Novak, M. F. S. X., Costigan, K. A., Atella, L. D., & Reusing, S. P. (2006, May 9). Maternal psychological distress during pregnancy in relation to child development at age two. Child Development, 3(77), 573-587. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00891.x
- Glover, V. (2013, August 6). Effects of prenatal stress can affect children into adulthood. The Conversation. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/effects-of-prenatal-stress-can-affect-children-into-adulthood-16332
- Glover, V. (2011). The effects of prenatal stress on child behavioural and cognitive outcomes start at the beginning. Retrieved from http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/stress-and-pregnancy-prenatal-and-perinatal/according-experts/effects-prenatal-stress-child
- Oberlander, T. F. (2012). Fetal serotonin signaling: Setting pathways for early childhood development and behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2(51), S9-S16. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.04.009
- Rettner, R. (2013, March 27). Stress in pregnancy boosts stillbirth risk. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/28229-pregnancy-stress-stillbirth.html