What is your story you’ve told yourself about why you can’t be fully happy in the present? 

Is it something along the lines of:

I’ll be happy when I get the promotion or pay raise? When I have X amount in my bank account? When I get a nicer car? Bigger house? Better clothes or jewelry? When I can have kids or when my kids are older? When I lose these few pounds or get into shape? or is it something else entirely? 

There are many who believe that they are simply one more thing or accomplishment away from eureka. The problem with our natural human desire to always be wanting is that what we have or who we are will never be enough. When we focus on what we don’t have we will always need something else, and we will always need more.

Within American culture, we work for the weekend, look ahead to holidays, and fantasize about stress free vacations. We dream of bigger houses, newer cars, and the next best thing with the thought that when we get it, we will finally be able to be happy. We look at what we have with disdain and fantasize about how if we just had that next thing we would be made whole. When so much of our time is spent in the future or on what we don’t have, we lose track of being grateful and present in the moment. Somewhere close by, there is somebody who has it worse than you who is happier than you are, how can that be?  

“Until you learn the language of gratitude, you will never be on speaking terms with happiness.” ― Inky Johnson 

There is no steady state of happiness awaiting us when we finally get the thing that we have been longing for. If you did finally become richer, smarter, stronger, more successful than all of your friends, you would likely find new friends that you would need to impress or become anxious at the concern of losing what you have achieved. When we finally get the pay raise we have been pining for perhaps another area of our life has left us wanting. Life is always going to be up and down, but we don’t have to let our peace and happiness go in and out with each ebb and flow of life’s ocean tides. Without a practice of gratitude, the current object of your admiration will eventually wear old and lose its shine.  

The goal is not to be happy at the end of our lives but to be happy along the way. Happy is a journey, not a destination, and it is discovered most simply through a practice of being grateful for who you are and what you have in the moment.  

As a therapist, I work with my clients to strengthen their resilience, to challenge and reframe the negative thought processes that are holding them back, and also to recognize that the life that they crave may be closer and more attainable than they originally thought. I help them to consider what it is that they are truly in pursuit of, beyond whatever may be clouding their vision.  In the end, perhaps it wasn’t a bigger house or nicer car that someone was craving, but rather what those things represent: validation, respect, and belonging. 

 

Love is an illusion in the sense that it seems like something we give and receive. It seems like something we need to survive. And in some ways, it is.

Where Love Starts

We need love in the sense of belonging, literally as children, to get our most basic needs met. It is crucial for our physical development at that time that we have an adult to provide us with food and shelter, and if we are lucky, some sense of emotional support.

We are biologically wired to adopt whatever beliefs those who can provide food and shelter for us. To ensure our physical survival even if they are not very healthy or loving towards us.

As we get older, we become more self-sufficient. We are able to safely question the environment in which we were raised. In some cases, the pain of discovering we did not receive the love we “needed” may lead us to make it our life’s mission (knowingly or unknowingly) to fill the hole of that grief.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Love, Relationships, Aces, and Aros

Where the Need For Love Leads Us

The undercurrent of our subconscious may constantly be asking: How can I get love? Where can I find love? How can I prove I am loveable?

On the one hand, the need to experience love and belonging remains. Our lives are interwoven, and we are interdependent within the structure of our society.

The overfocus on this need to belong, however, can become emotional, and sometimes even physical. If we have not learned how to draw and respect healthy boundaries around what we are willing to exchange for “love”, it becomes problematic.

Instead of going inward to touch our deepest selves, we look outside of ourselves for confirmation that we are worthy. We look for people to tell us we are good, loveable, and deserving of connection. We want something to disprove the pain we hold about not having that message clearly and undoubtedly embedded in us.

Sometimes because of challenges with caregivers, and other times because of experiences of other kinds of loss or pain that we were not equipped to handle as children, we try to get the outside world to fill that perceived need.

But we were worthy the whole entire time. Our parents’ shortcomings had nothing to do with us, just as our shortcomings have nothing to do with our children.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Real Love and Social Media

What Type of Attachment is Healthy?

Insecure Attachment

Data suggests about 40% of Americans have what is considered “insecure attachment” resulting from the perception or reality of lacking the kind of ideal healthy bond with an adult.

Some of the results of this inner struggle may look like an obsessive need to:

• Please or be liked.
• Over-explain or over-justify our actions.
• Avoid intimacy.
• Have a lot of “enemies”.
• Feel hurt when someone honors their own needs instead of putting yours first.

In some more extreme cases, it could look like controlling or manipulating another person or staying in relationships where abuse is happening because of “love” or trauma bonding.

Healthy Attachment

Healthy attachment is kind of like learning a foreign language. It is much easier as a child but by no means impossible as an adult.

Unlike learning a second language, you may not receive the increased sense of outside accolades for your achievement. But, if you know what your challenges have been, the inner knowing of your resilience can be its own reward. And your relationships will likely improve dramatically when you take ownership over your own healing no matter how unfair it may feel to have to work through it.

We may, unintentionally, not only cause ourselves suffering, but also project our unmet needs onto others as something they are meant to fulfill for us. We could unknowingly, be tasking another person to prove our worthiness to us which is codependent in an unhealthy way.

Even though it is not our fault that we ended up with this struggle, it is still our responsibility to work through it.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: From Captivation to Commitment: 5 Phases of Love Over Time

Learn to Love Yourself

These concepts are relatively easy to understand intellectually, but teaching the body, mind, and nervous system that we can cultivate a love within ourselves that cannot be taken away is a total game changer.

It allows us to experience a deeper meaning of love that creates greater stability within us and provides for our most authentic expression of self to shine through.

As we learn to let go of subconscious conditioning, we rebuild our lives and ways of connecting with others without the constraints of what we thought to be true about our worthiness. We better tend to the foundation of our internal world.

We gain trust in our newfound wisdom. We witness our strength and resiliency and the love that was already within. We become more peaceful inside and naturally feel the pull to live more authentically and freely on the outside.

Who are we when we realize we have all of the love we need inside ourselves already? How does our ability to love others without such a tight grip on them is exactly what we want them to change? We can still experience loving connection and belonging while being sovereign and accepting love as a state of being already whole within us. Our relationships may deepen in ways we never knew possible.

For the L.O.V.E.

Here’s an acronym that may help folks on this sacred journey back to the love within:

L– Let the tower of familial, environmental, societal, and even self-conditioning fall. Choose to rebuild your ideas of love and connection with what makes sense with the level of insight you carry now.

O– Own your ability to have some authority over your emotional and spiritual development in a self-compassionate way. Someone else could be experiencing something like what you are and see it completely differently. That’s good news. We can shift and change. But the brain’s learning centers shut down when we are in spaces of shame, so commit to addressing it from a place of natural gentleness with yourself.

V– Vow to stay on a path of personal evolution and choose to interact with others on a similar approach so you can gain experience supporting each other in healthier ways. A fatty substance called myelin coats neuropathways that are used frequently and allow the brain to think more automatically that way which means we get better at whatever we practice.

E-Everyone has a history we aren’t fully aware of because they may not even be fully aware. Please do your best to draw healthy boundaries where needed but also remember that how people treat us is not usually as personal as it feels. They may be acting from their own insecurities around lovableness, and we may be perceiving from ours.

The GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you. We have thousands of Therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. You can find the Support you need today.

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.