Love is an illusion in the sense that it seems like something we give and receive. It seems like something we need to survive. And in some ways, it is.

Where Love Starts

We need love in the sense of belonging, literally as children, to get our most basic needs met. It is crucial for our physical development at that time that we have an adult to provide us with food and shelter, and if we are lucky, some sense of emotional support.

We are biologically wired to adopt whatever beliefs those who can provide food and shelter for us. To ensure our physical survival even if they are not very healthy or loving towards us.

As we get older, we become more self-sufficient. We are able to safely question the environment in which we were raised. In some cases, the pain of discovering we did not receive the love we “needed” may lead us to make it our life’s mission (knowingly or unknowingly) to fill the hole of that grief.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Love, Relationships, Aces, and Aros

Where the Need For Love Leads Us

The undercurrent of our subconscious may constantly be asking: How can I get love? Where can I find love? How can I prove I am loveable?

On the one hand, the need to experience love and belonging remains. Our lives are interwoven, and we are interdependent within the structure of our society.

The overfocus on this need to belong, however, can become emotional, and sometimes even physical. If we have not learned how to draw and respect healthy boundaries around what we are willing to exchange for “love”, it becomes problematic.

Instead of going inward to touch our deepest selves, we look outside of ourselves for confirmation that we are worthy. We look for people to tell us we are good, loveable, and deserving of connection. We want something to disprove the pain we hold about not having that message clearly and undoubtedly embedded in us.

Sometimes because of challenges with caregivers, and other times because of experiences of other kinds of loss or pain that we were not equipped to handle as children, we try to get the outside world to fill that perceived need.

But we were worthy the whole entire time. Our parents’ shortcomings had nothing to do with us, just as our shortcomings have nothing to do with our children.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Real Love and Social Media

What Type of Attachment is Healthy?

Insecure Attachment

Data suggests about 40% of Americans have what is considered “insecure attachment” resulting from the perception or reality of lacking the kind of ideal healthy bond with an adult.

Some of the results of this inner struggle may look like an obsessive need to:

• Please or be liked.
• Over-explain or over-justify our actions.
• Avoid intimacy.
• Have a lot of “enemies”.
• Feel hurt when someone honors their own needs instead of putting yours first.

In some more extreme cases, it could look like controlling or manipulating another person or staying in relationships where abuse is happening because of “love” or trauma bonding.

Healthy Attachment

Healthy attachment is kind of like learning a foreign language. It is much easier as a child but by no means impossible as an adult.

Unlike learning a second language, you may not receive the increased sense of outside accolades for your achievement. But, if you know what your challenges have been, the inner knowing of your resilience can be its own reward. And your relationships will likely improve dramatically when you take ownership over your own healing no matter how unfair it may feel to have to work through it.

We may, unintentionally, not only cause ourselves suffering, but also project our unmet needs onto others as something they are meant to fulfill for us. We could unknowingly, be tasking another person to prove our worthiness to us which is codependent in an unhealthy way.

Even though it is not our fault that we ended up with this struggle, it is still our responsibility to work through it.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: From Captivation to Commitment: 5 Phases of Love Over Time

Learn to Love Yourself

These concepts are relatively easy to understand intellectually, but teaching the body, mind, and nervous system that we can cultivate a love within ourselves that cannot be taken away is a total game changer.

It allows us to experience a deeper meaning of love that creates greater stability within us and provides for our most authentic expression of self to shine through.

As we learn to let go of subconscious conditioning, we rebuild our lives and ways of connecting with others without the constraints of what we thought to be true about our worthiness. We better tend to the foundation of our internal world.

We gain trust in our newfound wisdom. We witness our strength and resiliency and the love that was already within. We become more peaceful inside and naturally feel the pull to live more authentically and freely on the outside.

Who are we when we realize we have all of the love we need inside ourselves already? How does our ability to love others without such a tight grip on them is exactly what we want them to change? We can still experience loving connection and belonging while being sovereign and accepting love as a state of being already whole within us. Our relationships may deepen in ways we never knew possible.

For the L.O.V.E.

Here’s an acronym that may help folks on this sacred journey back to the love within:

L– Let the tower of familial, environmental, societal, and even self-conditioning fall. Choose to rebuild your ideas of love and connection with what makes sense with the level of insight you carry now.

O– Own your ability to have some authority over your emotional and spiritual development in a self-compassionate way. Someone else could be experiencing something like what you are and see it completely differently. That’s good news. We can shift and change. But the brain’s learning centers shut down when we are in spaces of shame, so commit to addressing it from a place of natural gentleness with yourself.

V– Vow to stay on a path of personal evolution and choose to interact with others on a similar approach so you can gain experience supporting each other in healthier ways. A fatty substance called myelin coats neuropathways that are used frequently and allow the brain to think more automatically that way which means we get better at whatever we practice.

E-Everyone has a history we aren’t fully aware of because they may not even be fully aware. Please do your best to draw healthy boundaries where needed but also remember that how people treat us is not usually as personal as it feels. They may be acting from their own insecurities around lovableness, and we may be perceiving from ours.

The GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you. We have thousands of Therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. You can find the Support you need today.

Real Love and Social Media

Are you spending more time on your mobile device than the time you spend actually interacting with your partner or your spouse? Has your relationship taken a bad turn as you make choices between real love and social media? 

If so, you wouldn’t be alone

According to a recent report, 71 percent of individuals say they spend more time on their phones than they spend with their love interests, with 52 percent of individuals spending three or four more hours on their phones than with their partners every day

While smartphones and social media networks might not have had much of an impact on your life 10 years ago, chances are they do today. One study, for example, found that the average American clocks 5.4 hours of screen time on their mobile devices every single day. Further, the top 10 percent of heaviest mobile device users touch their phones nearly 5,500 times throughout the day! 

In large part, this addiction to technology is actually by design; researchers have found that social media networks, for example, are purposely built to keep you glued to the screen

Regardless, your significant other is unlikely to be too thrilled if they constantly see you staring at your screen when they’re trying to have a conversation. Unsurprisingly, research suggests that 43 percent of “heavy tech users” — those who spend between five and eight hours on their phones every day — have experienced relationship troubles, compared to 28 percent of those who are on their phones for less than an hour a day

If you’re spending too much time staring at your screens and your relationships are struggling because of it, the good news is all hope isn’t lost.  

By identifying the bad habits that are harming your relationship, swapping them out with good habits, and talking to a therapist if the problem persists, you can strengthen your relationships and find real love in our social media-driven world.  

Bad Habits with Social Media That Are Ruining Your Relationships 

In order to cut out bad habits from your day-to-day, you first need to identify what they are. If you’re racking up too much screen time when you’re with your partner or spouse, here are some of the habits that are almost certainly driving that behavior. 

‘Phubbing’ 

When you’re hanging out with your significant other and you suddenly decide to pick up your phone — consciously or otherwise — you’re guilty of behavior called “phubbing,” which is a portmanteau that combines phone and snubbing. 

Using your phone at the table 

Whether you’re eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner, meals are the perfect time to catch up with your partner and ask them how their day has been or what plans they have on tap for it. If you pick up your phone during the meal, chances are your loved one won’t be too thrilled. Plus, you’re liable to get all sorts of grease and other junk on your device. Yuck! 

Spying on old lovers and love interests 

Social media enables us to keep tabs on people from afar. In fact, a recent report found that 34 percent of individuals have stalked an ex or current love interest online. If you’re the type of person who’s guilty of this behavior, your partner won’t be too happy with you when they find out. 

Checking social media first thing in the morning and last thing at night 

Are you the type of person who checks social media before you say good morning to your spouse — and who checks it right before bed, too? If so, these habits can cause rifts in your relationship as your mind is elsewhere during the more intimate parts of the day

Of course, this list is by no means exhaustive. But it should give you a good idea of some of the more pervasive smartphone-induced bad habits that pull couples apart. 

What New Screen Time Habits Should You Introduce to Keep Relationships Alive? 

If too much screen time is ruining your relationships, ditch the above bad habits and replace them with some of these more wholesome ones. 

Delete your apps 

When too much screen time is getting in the way of your relationship, there’s an easy fix: delete the apps that are commandeering the bulk of your time. If you don’t have the apps on your phone in the first place, you’re much less likely to spend time on social media when you’re with your partner. 

Be more empathetic 

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: How would you feel if your significant other picked up their phone in the middle of a conversation and started ignoring you? Chances are you wouldn’t be too happy. By trying to see things from your spouse’s perspective, it can become easier to ditch your phone when you’re together since you don’t want to hurt their feelings. 

Put your phone in the other room 

When you’re trying to have some quality alone time with your partner — whether you’re trying to cook a meal, watch some Netflix, or do a puzzle together — an easy way to make sure you don’t fall into the spell of social media is to simply put your phone in another room. When your phone is out of your arms’ reach, you can’t exactly pick it up mid-conversation. 

Get a real alarm clock 

According to a recent report, 83 percent of Americans use their phone as an alarm clock. If that describes you, consider buying an old-school alarm clock and moving your phone away from where you sleep. By doing so, you will eliminate the ability to read your phone first thing in the morning and right before you go to sleep. 

Still Struggling with Screen Time? Talk to a Therapist 

Depending on how bad your social media addiction is, ditching your bad habits and developing good ones might not be enough to help you break the cycle.  

If your situation is particularly difficult, you may want to talk to a therapist and try marriage counseling or couples counseling to overcome the social media-induced challenges you’re facing as a couple. The right therapist will be able to help you navigate your problems and figure out a solution that’s amicable to both you and your partner. 

Remember, social media is meant to be addicting. When your real relationships are suffering because of it, it’s time to find a therapist who can help you prioritize important relationships over screen time.

The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful for you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today!

Here’s to breaking the cycle and build stronger, more resilient relationships because of it.

Recovery Treatment Centers (RTCs) provide addiction rehab. Use the GoodTherapy RTC Directory to find options for you.
 

How to Show Love When You’re Depressed

Learning how to show love when you’re depressed can save your relationships with loved ones. The first step is recognizing that depression looks different on every person, but a common question that comes up is how to show love when you’re depressed. Whether you have been diagnosed or think you might be dealing with depression and have yet to seek help, showing love to those in your life can look different during this season of existence. Learning how to show love when you’re depressed can also vary from person to person. If you or someone you love is trying to manage symptoms of depression, it may be time to consider getting the help of a therapist.

Remain Honest About What You Are Experiencing

A common tendency of someone managing depression is to put walls around certain emotions inside their mind. Unconsciously, depressive episodes can lead someone to unintentionally exclude someone they love from what they are experiencing. Isolating in nature, this mental health issue may cause someone to distance themselves from the people who care about them. Learning how to show love when you’re depressed should involve as much honesty as you feel capable of giving. Remaining honest about what you are experiencing can give the person you love insight and understanding on how to be there for you.

Educate Your Loved Ones

After opening up and being honest with the people you love, you should then educate them on how depression might impact you during this season. By working with a therapist, you can start to put words, descriptions, and reasoning to your depression. With this knowledge, you can learn how to show love when you’re depressed while educating your loved ones on what you’re going through.

Do Your Best to Accept Their Help

When learning how to show love when you’re depressed, try your best to accept help. It can sometimes be frustrating or isolating when your loved ones are offering help, but not in the way you need. If you are unable to describe or put words to what it is that you need from them, do your best to accept the help in the form they are offering it to you. The more people you love that are in your corner, the more help and support you will have as you navigate your depression.

Be Patient with Yourself

When learning how to show love when you’re depressed, you need to spend time loving yourself. While you might not know how to show love to yourself during this time, try and understand that you are doing the best with what you have. Through working with your therapist and accepting the support of your loved ones, you are working toward success and freedom. Being patient with yourself and the pace at which you heal is essential to learning how to show love when you’re depressed.

Get Professional Help

Getting the help of a qualified mental health professional is the key to learning how to show love when you’re depressed. Your therapist can teach you ways to manage and cope with your depression while also getting you connected to the resources you need to conquer it. Rather than trying to help yourself on your own, accept the help of your loved ones and your therapist.

Search for a therapist near you today. 

Unrequited love is part of the human experience. At some point in life, most people will develop romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about them. A study of college students and high school students found unrequited love was 4 times as common as reciprocated, equal love. This type of one-sided love is typically more intense than a passing crush, and it often lasts longer.

Experiencing rejection after you’ve risked telling someone how you feel can cause a great deal of pain. In fact, some research has suggested pain associated with rejection causes brain activity resembles that caused by physical pain. Yet knowing unrequited love happens to most of us may not make that pain any easier to bear.

If you’ve ever loved someone who doesn’t return your feelings, you may have tried to cope by turning to your friends for support. But what happens when the object of unrequited love is a friend? Dealing with the pain of unrequited love may be even harder if you’re already close to the person you’ve fallen for. You might not understand how they can reject you when you’ve shared so much.

Over time, though, you may come to believe it’s more important to treasure the friendship you do have instead of wondering about other possibilities. If you want to sustain the friendship through the challenge of unrequited love, know that it’s often possible to do so.

Keep in mind, though, that it’s important to consider your intentions honestly. If you continue the friendship because you’re secretly hoping they’ll change their mind, you’re not honoring yourself, your friend, or your friendship. In the end, this deception can lead to more pain for you and your friend.

Why Do We Fall for Our Friends?

Developing romantic feelings for friends isn’t uncommon. Love grows over time, and strong friendships that last for years often provide numerous opportunities for intimacy to flourish.

• Friendship as a gateway to love: Many people believe a strong friendship is an essential foundation of a romantic partnership and prefer to build a friendship with potential partners first. This belief could help create a tendency to see friends as potential love interests.
• Proximity: People generally spend a lot of time with close friends. Eventually it may become difficult to imagine not seeing a particular friend often.
• Shared hobbies: Friendships often grow out of shared interests. Having multiple hobbies, interests, or other things in common with one person can make them seem even more like an ideal romantic partner.
• Mixed signals in a friendship: Some friendships are characterized by flirtatious jokes, physical affection, or other behaviors typical of romantic relationships. Mixed signals won’t “make” you fall in love with someone if attraction isn’t already there. But frequent touching or affectionate nicknames can fan the flames, so to speak, by giving the impression of a mutual interest.
• Attachment style: A 1998 study found people with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style were more likely to experience unrequited love. Attachment styles have their basis in childhood. If your primary caregiver was unpredictable with affection or met your needs inconsistently, you may grow up unconsciously reenacting that dynamic in adulthood. In other words, you may be more likely to develop romantic attraction for people who are unlikely to return your feelings.

Can Friendship Survive Rejection?

You told your friend how you feel. They apologized and said they just didn’t feel the same way, though they valued your friendship. You agreed the friendship was important and assured them you wanted to stay friends. You feel sad and hurt, but you’ve experienced rejection before and know the feelings will pass in time. In the meantime, how do you deal with frustration and pain while continuing to spend time with your friend as if nothing had happened?

First, it’s important to understand your feelings are normal. It’s normal to grieve, to feel hurt, sad, confused, or angry. But it’s also important not to direct those feelings at your friend. As long as they didn’t lie to you or lead you on, they’re simply being honest about their feelings, just as you were with yours. Your friend can’t help having platonic affection for you, just as you can’t help having romantic affection for your friend.

When your friend doesn’t return your romantic feelings, you both might struggle to deal with the situation. Yet friendships can recover from unrequited love if the situation is addressed with care and maturity. What happens next depends on both you and your friend.

Dealing with Awkwardness

Some friendships may continue but feel slightly different. You might experience some awkward interactions or occasionally feel embarrassed around each other. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault—this can happen even if you both truly want to remain friends. It may simply indicate you both need time to recover.

According to research published in Michael Motley’s Studies in Interpersonal Communications, friendships often end after a confession of unrequited love when awkwardness or embarrassment develops. To avoid awkwardness, it may help to avoid bringing up the situation once you’ve agreed you want to stay friends. Instead, move forward from it.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start.It may feel more natural to completely avoid your friend, but Motley’s research suggests friends who continue to talk and see each other are more likely to remain friends than those who stay away from each other. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t give yourself some space. Even if you don’t feel you need it, it can help to take time for healing.

Your friend might also need space. If they seem distant after you’ve told them how you feel, consider that they too may need to work through what happened. They may feel sadness or guilt and wonder how to act to prevent hurting you further. Give them some time. If you communicated daily in the past, after a few days you might send a casual message letting them know you’re there when they’re ready. Then wait for them to reach out.

On the other hand, your friendship could also bounce back right away. But this scenario can present other challenges. If your friend has a partner already or begins dating someone before you’ve fully healed from the rejection, you may feel hurt and jealous. You may end up comparing yourself to their partner, and anger or resentment can develop.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start. Open communication can also help. If this isn’t possible in your situation, try talking to another close friend or a counselor.

Tips for Moving On

If you’re struggling to get over the rejection after an extended period of time, it may be best to draw back from the friendship while you heal. It may help to interact with your friend in group settings rather than one-on-one. If you find yourself texting or calling them frequently, it may be best to take a break from contacting them.

If your friendship was characterized by affectionate gestures or flirtatiousness in the past, it’s probably better for you both to avoid this behavior, at least until your friendship has healed. Otherwise you might give your friend the impression you aren’t actually okay with remaining friends.

It is common to feel a decreased sense of self-worth or low self-esteem after rejection. Rejection can have an even more significant effect if your friend has been supportive through other instances of heartbreak. Reaching out to other loved ones can help when you’re having trouble separating the pain of rejection from your worth as a person.

Meeting new people can also help. Trying to date when you’re still recovering from rejection may not seem appealing at first. If you’re still feeling heartbroken, you may not feel ready to consider any other potential romantic partners. But dating casually—meeting someone for a short coffee date, for example—can actually help you begin to heal. Even if you plan to keep things casual, a few fun dates can distract you from what you’re feeling. It can also help you realize that you have plenty of romantic options.

Getting Help for Heartbreak

Grief and jealousy often accompany rejection and heartbreak, and it’s not always easy to cope on your own. Therapy is highly recommended when painful emotions interfere with daily life or make it hard to think about anything else. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional.

It may seem hard to believe, but you will heal in time. A therapist or counselor can support healing by helping you work through what you’re feeling in a productive way. Our therapist directory can help you find a compassionate mental health provider in your area.

References:

1. Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Allen, J. (1998, August 1). Motivations for unreciprocated love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(8), 787-796. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167298248001
2. Bringle, R. G., Winnick, T., & Rydell, R. J. (2013). The prevalence and nature of unrequited love. SAGE Open. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iupui.edu/bitstream/handle/1805/15150/2158244013492160.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
3. Davis, S. (2018, October 22). Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: An examination of its causes and how it affects adult relationships. Retrieved from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2018/10/22/anxious-ambivalent-attachment-style-an-examination-of-its-causes-and-how-it-affects-adult-relationships
4. Morain, C. (2009, January 21). Unrequited love: How to stay friends. Retrieved from https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/unrequited-love-how-stay-friends
5. Weir, K. (2012). The pain of social rejection. Monitor on Psychology, 43(4). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection

Partnering for life takes dedication. Almost everyone would agree that trust and commitment are needed for every healthy relationship to flourish. But what are some of the other essential characteristics for a mutually fulfilling and loving partnership?

People who are in relationships or who desire to find lasting love might wonder, what is it that makes love last? How do some marriages or partnerships survive and thrive while others plunge and dive? Emotionally intelligent couples seem to be on to something. But what specifically are they doing to strengthen and develop their relationships?

What Is Love?

The word “love” may bring to mind a variety of thoughts and feelings. These ideas may differ from person to person. So what does love actually mean?

When it comes to the study of love, the English language can be somewhat limiting in its definition. Ancient Greek provides a much richer understanding of the many dimensions of love. In Ancient Greek, there are many different words for love. For the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on three words: éros, philia, and storgē. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

• Eros describes intimate, passionate, or sexual type of love. This type of love is the most similar to our current idea of romantic love.
• Philia is an affectionate regard, like that of a deep friendship. Associated with companionship, trust, and dependability, it refers to shared good will toward another person.
• StorgÄ“ refers to familial love. It often refers to the love demonstrated between parents and their children, but it can also describe the love between romantic partners. It is a natural feeling a person holds for someone (or something) close to them that they feel good about.

Emotional Intelligence

It is generally the case that couples with thriving, strong relationships have well-developed emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence describes a person’s ability to be aware of, control, and express emotions in a healthy manner. In other words, it is the capacity to handle relationships appropriately and empathetically. In a partnership, emotional intelligence translates into the ability to be in touch with your own emotions as well as those of your partner.

A person’s capacity for empathy and ability to talk about emotions in a healthy and loving way are both components of emotional intelligence. In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be seen in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

The following are eight key areas where emotionally intelligent couples practice loving well.

1. Friendship

At the core of a good relationship is friendship. Emotionally intelligent couples stand the test of time because they are friends who support and care for each other. They share a bond of mutual affection. They know each other’s internal world and understand each other’s likes and dislikes. They are companions and confidants.

2. Deep respect

Emotionally intelligent couples respect each other and have feelings of deep admiration toward each other. They are able to honor their partner and their needs and wishes and hold them in high regard or esteem. Partners generally think very well of each other and can each appreciate the unique qualities, achievements, or abilities of the other. They demonstrate on a regular basis that they appreciate one another, both verbally and nonverbally.

3. Communication

In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be exhibited in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

Couples who are able to communicate their thoughts, needs, and feelings in a healthy way are more likely to have a thriving relationship than couples who have difficulty with communication. Their conversations don’t regularly display signs of criticism or contempt, and they typically do not start off abruptly.

Dr. John Gottman found, while conducting research on couples, that conversations generally end poorly when they start out harshly. In fact, the first three minutes of a conversation often determine its outcome. Emotionally intelligent couples generally speak to one another in a respectful manner, conveying this respect through tone, intonation, and intent.

4. Conflict management

Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.

5. Encouraging the relationship

Emotionally intelligent couples encourage the relationship, through understanding of their identity as a couple in addition to their separate identities as individuals. They feel confident in their respective roles and in the partnership itself. They are for the relationship. They don’t threaten it by saying things like, “I want a divorce,” or “I am going to leave you.” Instead, they talk about problems that arise, as they arise. If the problems are too difficult to solve on their own, they seek help from a professional.

6. Exercising healthy boundaries

Couples who thrive exercise clear boundaries, especially when dealing with other relationships. They recognize the slippery slope of infidelity and don’t create space for emotional or physical affairs to happen. They utilize what the late Dr. Shirley Glass illustrates on in her research on infidelity. Whether they recognize it or not, they view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. Together, they construct a wall that shields them from forces that have the power to separate them or otherwise challenged the relationship. In order to keep their relationship a priority, they exercise a united front.

7. Being aware of meaning, value, and purpose

Emotionally intelligent couples are aware of what is meaningful to each other. This might translate into understanding what motivates the other in life and what they are passionate about, such as their dreams, goals, or values. Couples who thrive support each other’s endeavors to have a meaningful and purposeful life—both individually and together.

8. Sharing life

Couples who thrive share their lives. They find ways of connecting on a regular basis. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are mindful of staying connected and turning toward their partner. They have at least a few common interests or shared activities, and they take time to recreate together. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Making love last takes dedication and commitment, but it is certainly possible to do so. Being mindful of the ways to practice éros, philia and storgē love can help you make love last in all areas of your life. [amazon_affiliate]

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, or want help developing emotional intelligence with your partner, consider reaching out to a trained couples counselor today.

References:

1. Lewis, C. S. (1960). The four loves. New York, NY: Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, Publishers.
2. Glass, S. P. (2004). Not “just friends:” Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
3. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

How do you know if someone is the right person for you? With so many marriages ending up in divorce, this question is a common one. Finding the answer often takes thoughtful consideration.

Almost every healthy relationship takes work. A lifelong marriage can require lots of dedication, time, and emotional energy. Here are some guidelines for determining if your partner is right for you.

A Strong Foundation

Trust, respect, honor, and commitment form the foundation of many relationships. If you feel confident that you can create a future with your partner, your relationship likely has all four of these cornerstones. If you have any reservations, you and your partner may want to solidify your foundation before getting married.

Love and Commitment

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Are love and commitment at the heart of your relationship? According a recent Pew Research Center report, 88% of Americans cite love as a predominant reason for getting married. Love is complex and typically involves more than being in love. Love is often defined as the ability to deeply connect with another individual, to feel understood and unconditionally valued for who you are. Do you feel loved by your partner?

Commitment also topped the chart, ranking second in importance for reasons Americans marry. Americans know that being in love is crucial; however, commitment is also key. Partners often want to know they are both in the relationship for the long haul. They want to know they can count on each other to be there. In many wedding vows, commitment runs deep:

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…

Do you feel this level of commitment for your partner?

The Bond of Friendship

Is friendship the bond that keeps your relationship together? Many psychologists and marriage and family therapists would agree a strong friendship is what carries a relationship over the course of time. A deep friendship typically involves intimacy, support, understanding, and mutual attachment. Do these qualities describe your friendship?

Emotionally Intelligent Couples

Do you have mostly negative thoughts and feelings towards your partner, or do more positive ones abound? In Dr. John Gottman’s rigorous research on relationships, he has discovered a dynamic that emotionally intelligent couples often use in their day-to-day interactions.

Many emotionally intelligent couples keep their negative thoughts and feelings from overwhelming their positive ones. They stay in a state of positivity; they keep a positive attitude towards their partner. Many characteristics define emotionally intelligent couples; however, this dynamic can be vital and help keep a relationship in a state of well-being.

Communication

How is your communication with your partner? Many qualities go into healthy effective communication. Here are four questions you can consider when evaluating your communication.

• How do your conversations generally begin?
• Do criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling appear regularly in your conversations?
• Do you feel like your partner understands what you are conveying most of the time?
• Is communicating your thoughts or emotions difficult for either you?

Being able to talk easily with your partner can be crucial in a healthy relationship. If you and your partner have trouble connecting, you may wish to postpone your wedding plans and get some couples counseling.

Values and Dreams

Do you and your partner share common values? These can be important factors when sharing your life with someone. You and your partner may wish to have similar opinions on subjects such as:

• Religion
• Family
• Parenting
• Socializing
• Finances
• Partner Roles

Unlike values, dreams do not need to be the same, although couples may benefit if their dreams are compatible. Supporting each other’s dreams is the main consideration. Understanding what your partner desires in their life can be vital. Feeling your dreams are understood and valued can also be important.

Red Flags

Red flags are aspects of a relationship that bring you feelings of unease. They may include your partner’s behaviors, motives, interactions, or anything else that does not appear right to you. Red flags can be detected in verbal or nonverbal communication. Pay attention to anything that makes you feel nervous, uncomfortable, or apprehensive. Here are some signs to consider:

• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Dishonesty
• Pornography abuse
• Strong attachments to ex-partners
• Gambling addiction
• Secrecy

Family of Origin

What is your partner’s family of origin like? Inquiring in depth about their family can be revealing. You don’t want to wait until you are married to find out any secrets or issues that could affect your relationship. Asking pertinent questions like the following can be valuable:

• What was your relationship with your mother, father, or siblings like growing up?
• What was your parents’ relationship like?
• If they argued or fought, how did that affect you?
• How did your parents comfort you?
• How did you feel about your family’s traditions?
• Was there any trauma in the family?

Friends, Family and Strangers

Love can be blind. For this reason, you may wish to consider other people’s opinions and thoughts when deciding whether to get married. My recommendation to couples is to consider the following questions:

• What does your family think of your partner?
• What do your friends think of your partner?
• How does your partner treat strangers?

If you bring your partner around family and friends, you can observe how they interact and ask for their honest opinions. You will likely benefit if you take any concerns seriously and assume your loved ones are looking out for your best interests.

Recreation

Do you and your partner enjoy each other’s company? Spending time on recreational activities can be vital in a healthy relationship. Having common interests can motivate you and your partner to do things together. You do not need to do everything as a couple or share all things in common. However, you and your partner can benefit from doing fun activities together on a regular basis.

In conclusion, although this isn’t an exhaustive list, it does represent some guidelines to consider. If you detect trouble spots in your relationship, you may want to hold off on getting to “I do.” Whatever the state of your current relationship, a qualified therapist can help guide you through the process.

References:

1. Greiger, A., & Livingston, F. (2018, February 13). 8 facts about love and marriage in America. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/02/13/8-facts-about-love-and-marriage
2. Gottman, J., & Silver N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Love is a topic that has never lost human relevance or interest. Poetry, songs, essays, novels, movies, and multitudes of self-help books focus on this marvelous, mysterious topic.

Yet, there are questions that remain for many of us regarding the meaning, nature, and scope of love in the most practical terms.

• How do we define love within the range of our personal experiences?
• How do we practice love?
• How and in what situations are we aware of being loved?
• How do we show love to others and to ourselves?
• How do we navigate expressing and giving love without getting deeply hurt?
• When is love healthy and when is it not?

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First is the question of the meaning of love. At its base, love is an emotion. It’s a positive feeling we have about another person. The feeling includes warmth and gentleness toward the person in question, and a deep appreciation and concern for their well-being. Love creates a desire to be closer to another, to comfort, and to be comforted. We seek and often experience joy and happiness in love (at the very least initially, if we sense the feeling is mutual).

The nature and scope of love can be broad: romantic love, as we most often think of it; love for family and friends; and love for humanity, etc. However, equally important is self-love.

Navigating the more challenging questions can spark debate and further discussion. Here, we will consider several psychological approaches to this issue before I offer some of my own thoughts.

Attachment

Sue Johnson, who developed emotionally focused therapy (based on attachment theory) for couples, describes the emotional need we all have for secure attachments or bonding with others in her book Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy:

It is this need, and the fears of loss and isolation that accompany this need, that provides the script for the oldest and most universal of human dramas that couple and family therapists see played out in their offices every day. (p. 4)

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She goes on to explain that for those of us who did not have a chance for “secure bonding” with our parents or parent figures as children, it’s often more difficult to bond with a mate. People with insecure attachments tend to either isolate and shut down in the face of true intimacy, or they over-attach in a desperate or clingy manner. The combination of the two is often the precursor for an abusive relationship. By no means is bonding with others impossible, but it may take more work to achieve and maintain that desired healthy connection.

Vulnerability

However, love is frequently fragile and easily damaged. Therefore, we fear becoming damaged by it and being vulnerable to it. I’ve recently seen a number of people in therapy who provided a prime example of this phenomenon—all were single and afraid of immersing themselves in the dating scene. This is not an uncommon fear, but it is one that inhibits opportunities for meeting potential loving partners. Common assumptions include, “There’s no one out there for me,” or, “They’re all a bunch of losers,” or, worst of all, “I’m such a loser, no one would be interested in me.” These assumptions can evolve into destructive beliefs.

The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Cognitive behavioral therapy addresses these negative thoughts by suggesting that our behaviors and the way we feel are driven by the way we think, and, therefore, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will guide us into healthier love patterns. Sometimes negative beliefs have been there for so long—and most of us have at least one bad experience to back them up—that we find it difficult to gain a positive outlook. The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Brené Brown has written extensively on the topics of vulnerability and shame. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity,” she writes in her book Daring Greatly. In other words, it takes real human courage to be vulnerable, but it is also necessary for real intimacy and bonding to take place. Brown feels that shame gets in the way of such vulnerability. Shame is a collection of real or perceived guilt from the past, creating a general sense of unworthiness. As Brown puts it:

If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. (p. 58)

Respect

If shame, unworthiness, and lack of secure attachment from childhood are the primary obstacles that stand in the way of love being truly healthy and nurturing, it is my suggestion to look more closely to ensure respect is a meaningful part of our love relationships. Respect means honoring the other person as well as yourself, fully and without judgment. It is this aspect of love that is so often overlooked, yet respect, in its deepest meaning of connection, is the backbone that stabilizes and provides security for loving, healthy relationships.

If you struggle with self-love, or if you believe something is standing in the way of closeness with others, seeing a licensed therapist can be greatly beneficial.

References:

1. Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin.
2. Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E., Ed. (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Romantics, myself included, melted when Tom Cruise uttered “You complete me” in the 1996 hit movie Jerry Maguire. Soon the sentiment became a litmus test of commitment and dedication in many relationships.

When I finished swooning, I realized how dangerous the belief behind the sentiment could be. Many people assume “completion” is my goal when I counsel couples in my practice, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. The goals of effective relationship therapy are centered on teaching two whole, healthy individuals how to be great partners to each other. In my experience, someone who is unhappy and unfulfilled alone is likely to continue in this state when in a relationship. Additionally, someone who is happy and secure in who they are is likely to feel this way in a relationship (and if they don’t, they are likely to leave it). A stable love relationship can motivate someone to be a better person, but it will not make them a better person.

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Millions of dollars and countless hours are spent each year trying to find out the best way to “be” in a relationship. The hope is we find that “perfect” way to think and act that will make our relationship smoother and make us feel good. In the process of trying to find the best way to present ourselves in a relationship, though, we often lose the unique way we see and relate to the world. Individual quirks, experiences, and views of the world are exactly what a healthy relationship needs.

If we found the perfect way to “be” and were able to mimic that in our relationships, how would we know the love our partner feels for us is genuine? Do they love us? Or do they love some template designed to be exactly what our partners want?

A mature and healthy love relationship says I choose to enjoy my life and want to do so with you. Stability in a relationship means happiness is an import instead of an export. The partners bring their happiness into the relationship to share, not expecting to extract happiness to fill their own deficits. Love and commitment come from finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone who you expect to give you a happy life.

I think of a stable relationship as a great surf-and-turf dinner. As a devout omnivore, I cannot imagine a better combination than a quality steak and a couple of grilled lobster tails. I love steak and lobster tail on their own, too, but there is something special about the two entrees nestled together on my plate. Likewise, in a stable relationship, both partners are great individually—but together they are amazing! Differences make for a more well-rounded experience.

Security in a healthy, mature relationship also includes choosing to be in the relationship with one another. This means choosing to share life together. It means choosing to put the well-being of the relationship over your own desires, your partner over your preferences.

Security in a healthy, mature relationship also includes choosing to be in the relationship with one another. This means choosing to share life together. It means choosing to put the well-being of the relationship over your own desires, your partner over your preferences. Choosing also means identifying when the relationship is unhealthy and taking steps to help it, even when that may seem difficult. It means loving yourself enough to acknowledge abuse and knowing that being alone is better than being in danger. We can choose to depend on our partners not because we have to in order to survive, but because we want to in order to thrive.

The notion that a loving relationship is the key to happiness is a myth. If a person looks to another flawed human being for everything they need, they will eventually experience disappointment. We are all trying to figure out life, and sometimes we make mistakes because, well, figuring it out is hard. Life gets harder when we become responsible for a partner’s happiness while trying to find our own.

Stable relationships can provide love, belonging, empathy, and companionship. They cannot provide all the things you may find lacking outside of a relationship. Completing another person is a fantasy. The reality is love is meant to complement your great life, not create it.

People come to psychotherapy because they want to feel better. A big part of a therapist’s ability to help a person feel better lies in their taking a loving stance toward that person. This stance starts with a therapist’s understanding that it takes courage for another person to come to them and their sense of feeling privileged by the trust that person invests in them. The rest of this article describes the other core ways in which therapy involves love and why this matters.

Faith and Compassion

Having faith in a person’s inherent goodness, as well as compassion for how that person’s life experiences have influenced them, is integral to helping them. This love stems in part from a therapist’s appreciation of the vulnerability inherent in being human. People are vulnerable to being hurt by others. When they are in contact with individuals, families, work environments, or even cultures that are filled with anger, criticism, premature loss, or emotional distance, it is almost inevitable they will start to internalize these experiences and develop corresponding psychological symptoms.

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Children are particularly vulnerable to this phenomenon due to their limited power to assert themselves, and they often have no recourse but to accept messages that are hurtful. When people have been hurt, they start to believe negative things about themselves (e.g. “I’m hopeless,” “I’m a failure”) as well as negative things about others (e.g., “People will hurt me if I trust them,” “No one will ever care about me”). Not surprisingly, they also experience feelings such as anxiety, anger, and shame that accompany these beliefs and tend to act reflexively on these emotions. These reflexive actions make it harder to connect with others and reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves and others.

Therapy helps people to break out of these negative cycles by allowing them to have a new kind of experience with their therapist that feels more positive and empowering. When a therapist approaches a person with a basic belief in their goodness, over time a person can feel a therapist’s faith in them and internalize it, which starts to shift what they believe about themselves. A therapist’s compassion for the person they work with also contributes to this change.

An internalized sense of being loved by one’s therapist can vastly change how a person experiences the world.

People are understandably concerned about being judged when they come to therapy. They may be afraid that a therapist is going to try to force them to change, or that a therapist will condemn them for some of the choices they make. Rather than criticizing or blaming a person for how they feel and behave, a compassionate therapist helps a person to understand how they are doing the best they can given what their experiences have taught them. They also help the person to think about new approaches to addressing their challenges that may help them feel better in the long run. This compassion is also internalized and helps people make sense of their lives in ways that are less focused on blaming themselves or others and leave more room for them to take positive steps toward change.

Patience and Humility

Therapy is inherently challenging. It is common in the course of many long-term therapies for there to be moments where a person feels stuck as well as moments where they feel disappointed or angry with their therapist. If a therapist tries to force a person to change before they are ready, or if they handle a person’s disappointment defensively, these impasses can be destructive.

Rather than blaming a person for feeling stuck or disappointed, a therapist coming from a place of love recognizes their own fallibility and tries to take ownership for any contributions they may be making to a person’s discontent. They also try to help that person see the role they may be playing in it. These moments become opportunities to build trust and for the person to gain greater self-understanding, rather than being harmful moments that reenact earlier painful experiences the person has had. Many people have been traumatically shamed and/or abandoned when expressing negative feelings toward others, and it can be a profound experience to have a therapist who does neither of these things and instead tries to patiently help them understand their pain and continues to care for them.

Conclusion

Just as people can be hurt in their relationships, they can also heal in them. Therapy is not just a set of techniques, it is a special type of relationship that is oriented toward helping people to heal from past experiences.

An internalized sense of being loved by one’s therapist can vastly change how a person experiences the world. In addition to symptoms diminishing, other people who once seemed threatening may become sources of connection and the future may seem more hopeful. Generosity and compassion flourish in those who have felt loved, leading them to touch the lives of others. Fittingly, many therapists have been touched by another person’s love in their own therapy and find it to be a deep privilege to be trusted and to pass on the gift.

References:

1. Harrist, R. S., Quintana, S. M., Strupp, H. H., & Henry, W. P. (1994). Internalization of interpersonal process in time-limited dynamic psychotherapy. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 31(1), 49.
2. McAdams, D. P., Reynolds, J., Lewis, M., Patten, A. H., & Bowman, P. J. (2001). When bad things turn good and good things turn bad: Sequences of redemption and contamination in life narrative and their relation to psychosocial adaptation in midlife adults and in students. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 474-485.
3. Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.

If asked what organ in the body is most instrumental for love and connection, what comes up? Do you automatically think brain?

Well, you should.

The brain may be the most exciting organ in the body. The 3 pounds of gelatinous tissue that resides in the skull is vital to how we love. As it turns out, the brain is an extremely social organ. Research in the field of neuropsychology sheds light on just how social our brains are in creating connections with others.

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The brain is shaped by love and flourishes in social connection. Our early relationships create attachment bonds that help wire our brains. During the first few years of life, our emotional interactions with parents or primary caregivers stimulate a multitude of neurochemical processes that increase nerve growth and connectivity. The brain contains about 100 billion nerve cells, or neurons, that communicate with each other by firing chemical and electrical signals. The more frequently these neurons communicate with each other, the stronger the connections become.

The brain’s growth and development is enhanced by emotional interaction. From about the age of 4 months to 6 months, a child begins to pick up on social cues from their mother or primary caregiver. Loving social engagement is crucial in our early years and is important in maintaining a secure attachment. Without these vital social interactions with loved ones, the right side of the brain—the core place for processing emotion, both verbal and nonverbal cues (such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and emotional response)—is deprived.

Babies are sensitive and begin the process of communicating before they can talk. Our mother’s or primary caregiver’s delight (or lack of it) communicates a strong message. Over time, these messages are encoded in our brains and create a neural template for future relationships.

Positive models for love and interactions create secure and loving bonds. These bonds serve as internal models that shape and influence adult love attachments. Negative models or lack of healthy models for love and interaction create insecure bonds that can also influence future love relationships.

The Role of Chemical Reactions in the Brain

These early social interactions help wire our brains via chemical reactions. One key chemical, oxytocin, may hold deeper insight into our relationships. Oxytocin is both a hormone and a chemical messenger, called a neurotransmitter. It is produced in the hypothalamus and secreted and transported by the pituitary gland. In recent years, oxytocin has been referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone,” as it helps to create robust bonds between mothers and babies, as well as adults.

In adult relationships, oxytocin can play a significant role in enhancing love and connection. It is not usually a topic for romantic conversations; however, understanding the role it plays can do a lot to ignite feelings of affection and greater empathy in a relationship.

Everyone has oxytocin, though studies show it is usually higher in females. Males have higher levels of a similar chemical called vasopressin. Scientists have been aware for some time that oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and orgasm. More recent research focusing on the oxytocin system, however, provides evidence in both humans and animals that interacting with one’s partner or offspring can influence oxytocin transmission. This, in turn, promotes behaviors that further bonding, social interaction, and emotional well-being.

In adult relationships, oxytocin can play a significant role in enhancing love and connection. It is not usually a topic for romantic conversations; however, understanding the role it plays can do a lot to ignite feelings of affection and greater empathy in a relationship.

Here are two simple ways to wire your brain for greater love and connection:

1. Think Positively About Your Spouse or Partner

Thinking about your spouse or partner in positive ways can spark this chemical reaction, causing you to feel good. It can also help you to be more empathic and understanding. In my work with couples, I often have them do an assignment that helps them in this process. I have them actively work on thinking about good and positive traits, characteristics, and experiences involving their loved ones. It serves two purposes: One, it helps release oxytocin. Second, it helps to rewire their brain so better thoughts override negative ones. If you feel you are too stuck in old patterns to think well of your spouse or partner, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional.

2. Hold Hands (or Better Yet, Cuddle!)

They don’t call oxytocin the cuddle or love hormone for nothing. Research has demonstrated that being physically close or holding hands can release oxytocin. In my office, I often have couples hold hands, embrace, or gaze into each other’s eyes. This is risky for some, but the outcome is worth it. These simple acts help to retune each other’s nervous systems. It also helps to improve trust, empathy, and comfort. You may want to try it.

All healthy relationships take time, energy, and effort. If you long for a good one, you will want to invest emotion, affection, and heart. Audrey Hepburn said it well: “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”

References:

1. Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense. Little, Brown and Company. New York: NY.
2. MacGill, M. (2017). Oxytocin: The love hormone? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.php#oxytocin%20the_love_hormone
3. Uchino, B., & Way, B. (2017). Integrative pathways linking close family ties to health: A neurochemical perspective. American Psychologist, 72, No. 6, 590-600.