Compulsive lying is a condition in which an individual chronically lies without any obvious benefit or gain.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between compulsive from pathological lying, as the two conditions share some similar symptoms and motivations.

However, compulsive lying typically occurs when individuals feel the need to distort reality to cover up or avoid uncomfortable feelings or situations. It is often a compulsive behavior and can be difficult to break without intervention.

In this article, we’ll discuss compulsive lying, including its symptoms, causes, and treatments.

GoodTherapy | Treatment for Liars

Compulsive Lying vs Pathological Lying

Compulsive lying is distinct from pathological lying in that compulsive liars are often driven by an unconscious need to distort reality, while pathological liars lie for more conscious reasons.

While compulsive lying is a compulsive behavior, pathological lying may involve manipulation and exploitation of others for personal or monetary gain.

The key difference between compulsive and pathological lying lies in the motivation behind the behavior.

People who compulsively lie often do so out of fear or anxiety, while people who pathologically lie may do so to manipulate or deceive others.

 

What Are the Root Causes for Compulsive Lying

The exact cause of compulsive lying is not fully understood, but it is believed to be linked to a combination of psychological and environmental factors.

Commonly reported causes include:

In some cases, compulsive lying can also be associated with mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Additionally, compulsive lying may be a learned behavior that individuals have picked up from their environment or family. People who grow up in environments where lying is rewarded or encouraged may develop compulsive lying as a way of coping with difficult emotions or situations.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: How to Get the Most Out of Your Therapy Journey. 

GoodTherapy | Lying Treatment

Is Treatment Available for Compulsive Lying?

Treatment for compulsive lying typically involves psychotherapy and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).

Psychotherapy provides the opportunity to talk openly and honestly with a therapist about underlying motivations behind compulsive lying.

The first step in treating compulsive lying is to identify the underlying causes, which may include psychological issues or a dysfunctional family environment.

By addressing the underlying causes of compulsive lying, individuals can learn healthier ways of expressing themselves and develop more honest communication patterns.

A therapist can help you uncover the root of your compulsive behavior and develop strategies for overcoming it.

With the help of a therapist and a commitment to self-reflection and change, compulsive lying can be managed successfully.

CBT helps individuals learn new ways of thinking and behaving, so they can break compulsive patterns of lying and create healthier habits.

Introducing lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, meditation and good sleep hygiene can also help reduce compulsive lying by reducing stress and improving mental health overall.

Medication can also be used to help reduce compulsive behaviors as well as underlying mental health disorders such as anxiety or depression. Certain medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may be prescribed to help reduce compulsive behaviors.

With proper treatment, compulsive liars can learn to understand the root cause of their behavior and develop healthy coping skills for dealing with difficult emotions.

This can help individuals live a full and authentic life.

If you or someone you know is struggling with compulsive lying, reach out for support from friends, family members or a mental health professional. There are many effective treatments available that can help individuals break free from compulsive lying and lead healthier lives.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Finding Mental Health Help 101

4 Takeaways About Compulsive Lying

 

  1. Compulsive lying is a condition in which an individual chronically lies without any obvious benefit or gain.

 

  1. Compulsive lying differs from pathological lying in that compulsive liars are typically driven by unconscious needs rather than conscious motives.

 

  1. Causes of compulsive lying include a need for attention or approval, low self-esteem, unresolved guilt or shame, or a desire to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

 

  1. Treatment for compulsive lying typically involves psychotherapy and cognitive behavior therapy so that individuals can break compulsive patterns of lying and create healthier habits. With proper treatment, compulsive liars can learn to understand the root cause of their behavior and develop healthy coping skills for dealing with difficult emotions.

 

If you or someone you care about experiences compulsive lying, the GoodTherapy Registry might be help to you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

 

Young boy standing on step stool to steal cookies form kitchen cupboardLying is developmentally normal for children of all ages, even when a child lies frequently. Lying allows children to test the boundaries between fantasy and reality, to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions, and to better understand how other people think.

Some parents worry their children may become pathological or compulsive liars. However, lying is rarely cause for concern in children. Parents who worry about their child’s lying should know that lying is developmentally normal and may even be a sign that a child is hitting appropriate developmental milestones.

Nevertheless, some lying may signal a deeper problem, such as a mental health issue or a tendency to manipulate others. Parents concerned about their child’s lying should seek help from a therapist or a pediatrician. An expert who has experience working with children can help parents understand whether lying is age-appropriate or indicative of a potential problem.

Pathological vs. Compulsive Lying

Neither pathological nor compulsive lying are mental health diagnoses. Their existence remains controversial among many mental health clinicians. Some clinicians argue there is no such thing as pathological or compulsive lying. Others assert that these behaviors only arise as part of another diagnosis or as the product of fear, trauma, and other motivations.

Those who do distinguish pathological and compulsive lying from one another argue that the difference is one of intent. Pathological liars may lie for no clear reason, seemingly without planning or motive. For example, a child might claim something happened when it clearly did not, even when there is no reason—such as fear or wishful thinking—for them to do so.

Compulsive liars may use lying to get things they want or need or to escape punishment. This type of lying is much more common among children and is developmentally typical at many ages. For instance, a child might say they didn’t eat a slice of cake, even as their mouth is covered with crumbs. Or they might tell a story about a present they never received because they wish someone had given them that present.

Parents should know that children almost always lie for a reason. Identifying the reason is more important than stigmatizing or punishing the lie. Punishing lies may even encourage children to lie more, in the hopes that they will not be caught next time.

Signs of Compulsive Lying in Children

Parents should know that children almost always lie for a reason. Identifying the reason is more important than stigmatizing or punishing the lie. Punishing lies may even encourage children to lie more, in the hopes that they will not be caught next time.

Some warning signs a child’s lying might be a problem and not just developmentally typical behavior include:

Even when a child shows these symptoms, lying may be developmentally normal. It often goes away on its own without treatment or intervention. Numerous studies have even shown that lying can be a sign of empathy and appropriate social development.

Lying tends to peak between the ages of 3 to 8. Thereafter, children’s lies become more sophisticated and center around bolstering self-esteem and avoiding punishment.

Why Is My Child Lying?

Children lie for a wide variety of developmentally typical reasons. Those include:

Children may also lie for reasons that point to an underlying mental health issue. Those include:

Treating Child Compulsive Lying

Lying can be frustrating to parents, even when it is developmentally normal. A therapist can help parents determine whether lying is age-typical or the sign of a more serious problem.

Family therapy can help parents and children communicate better. Parents may learn strategies that reduce their child’s desire and incentive to lie. For example, rather than asking a child if they have broken the rules when the evidence suggests they have, a parent might simply talk about the broken rule. If a child lies because they fear punishment, therapy can help a parent and child move beyond fear and create fair, consistent family rules.

When a child’s lying causes problems for the child or family, individual counseling can support the child and help them lie less. A therapist may work with the child to ease anxiety and depression, boost self-esteem, and develop a strong sense of self. Children with a history of trauma may need help to process and talk about the trauma. Children with personality disorders may benefit from specific therapeutic techniques such as dialectical behavior therapy for borderline personality.

References:

  1. Dike, C. C. (2008, June 1). Pathological lying: Symptom or disease? Psychiatric Times, 7(25). Retrieved from http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/pathological-lying-symptom-or-disease
  2. Ding, X. P., Wellman, H. M., Wang, Y., Fu, G., & Lee, K. (2015). Theory-of-mind training causes honest young children to lie. Psychological Science, 26(11), 1812-1821. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797615604628
  3. Hausman, K. (2003). Does pathological lying warrant inclusion in the DSM? Psychiatric News, 38(1), 24-24. Retrieved from https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/pn.38.1.0024
  4. Miller, C. (2018, March 19). Why kids lie and what parents can do about it. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie
  5. Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and cognitive correlates of children’s lying behavior. Child Development, 79(4), 866-881. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3483871

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m an ugly guy. I used to look okay, but I got a bad injury when I was 11. The surgeon did his best, but … there’s a reason I don’t leave my house much. Every time I go out, people stare. That’s why the internet has been a haven for me. Nobody knows what I look like because I use a stock photo for my profile pictures.

As you can guess, finding love hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve tried every dating app under the sun and I never get any responses. I know everybody says the inside is what counts, but women see my face and run before I can get a word out. I can’t really blame them, but it’s still frustrating. I’ve been so lonely, you have no idea.

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But five months ago I found the most amazing girl. We met on a film forum and started geeking out about Quentin Tarantino. The more I talked with this girl, the more I liked her. So when she started flirting with me, it was a dream come true. She’s the first girl who has EVER been interested in me. I couldn’t help but flirt back.

We’ve been in a relationship for five months now. She’s asked to meet a few times (we both live near Chicago), but I’ve been putting it off. My girlfriend got a little mad last time and jokingly asked if I was catfishing her. And it hit me: She was right. I am a catfish.

I didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in, though. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right? And I’ve been honest with my girlfriend about everything else. But … ever since that talk, I’ve felt so guilty. I know I should tell my girlfriend the truth, but I don’t want to lose her. The one time I tried to bring it up, I panicked and backed out at the last minute.

What should I do? Should I meet up and listen to whatever my girlfriend has to say? Or will we both hurt less if I break up with her from behind the screen? —Accidental Catfisher

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Accidental Catfisher,

I feel for you. Dating in person is rough enough, but virtual dating adds some notable complications. Knowing who and what you can trust online is a challenge, and the potential for catfishing—defined by Merriam-Webster as setting up a “false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes”—is one reason that’s so.

You write that you “didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in,” that you only wanted people to see the “real” you. By that, I assume you mean you wanted people to form their perceptions of you based on your expressions rather than your appearance. That’s understandable. I wonder if, had you revealed early on that your profile photo is an avatar, your love interest would have also understood. Now that things are progressing toward a possible face-to-face meeting, you say you don’t know how to resolve this situation.

Speaking of understandable, your fear of rejection and loss is easy to relate to, as is your panic in the moment with so much at stake. I hear how important this relationship is to you. Relationships call for courage and openness. Writing your letter is both courageous and open of you, which bodes well for your ability to be candid with the people in your life.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. I am here to try to help you understand what your feelings are telling you. For example, the guilt you say you feel may be trying to steer you toward a corrective action—in this case, perhaps fessing up, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

I imagine you have placed yourself in her shoes and have considered how you might feel to be told she hadn’t been forthcoming about her appearance. Would that be a problem for you? Would it have been less of a problem early on as opposed to now? Would it be more of a problem to find out in person as opposed to now, over the internet? These are all questions I would want to explore with you in therapy as we thought about how you might proceed.

I would also want to explore some of the self-image concerns I’m hearing, as those concerns may be at the root of everything else that’s going on. You describe yourself with more than a hint of shame, despair, and some longing as well. It’s unfortunate that some of your experiences—being stared at and so on—have reinforced these self-perceptions.

But there’s also clearly a lot to like, based on the fact you have attracted someone special. Those likable things are winning, desirable qualities no matter what. Are they mostly in hiding too? If you feel confident and loving about what’s under the surface, often the surface-level stuff takes care of itself.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

So here we are. What’s next? You can disappear and “ghost” her, break up behind the screen, fess up before you meet, or come clean in person. Only you know what is right. Whatever you decide, I recommend that you work with a therapist who will help you face up to yourself and then to others.

I hear that you are reluctant to be “seen.” It’s ultimately what we all want—to be accepted and loved, warts and all. I hope you can offer yourself and your friend some compassion and take the steps necessary to live an authentic life you can feel good about.

Take care,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Portrait of happy senior paddling kayak in the lake with man supporting from behind. Mature couple enjoying a day at the lake.When I think of white lies, I think of a true story about me and my mother. Not an intimate relationship, I agree, but still the sort of thing that could happen between married partners.

Though I had been married since the previous year, and my husband and I very much wanted a child, I could not seem to get pregnant. Meanwhile, my mom was struggling with depression and could not get over the loss of my father. Also—and this is the key point—she had a bad heart and had been told she needed open-heart surgery, but she was refusing it.

While visiting her in the hospital, as I did almost daily, I finally mustered up some excitement and said, “Mom, I’m pregnant!”

Yes, I lied—but it worked. That same day, my mother told her doctor she would go through with the surgery (Interestingly, I was saved from embarrassment about 11 months later because within the two months following her successful surgery, I did get pregnant, and she was a very happy grandma.) [fat_widget_right]

In my opinion, the real question you must ask yourself when deciding whether lying is the right thing to do is this: Who are you protecting? It’s really that simple. I would have done just about anything to save my mother’s life. The lie came from my heart and was intended solely for her benefit, not mine.

According to people who detect lying and liars as part of their profession (detectives, members of the FBI, and so forth), we all tell “white lies,” or lies intended to protect others, every day. “That dress is gorgeous on you!” is something we might say to protect someone we care about or to protect the relationship we have with them, for example. We understand the listener would not benefit from hearing the truth and would likely feel hurt instead.

Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, became concerned with the growing lack of trust in our society and its implications for business and families. Her book, based on a review of all the literature on deception written for the intelligence community, explains that each person is lied to—and lies—from 10 to 200 times a day! [amazon_affiliate]

The Effects of Lying

How is it possible to lie and be lied to so many times? Consider how many times you say, “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are and you aren’t actually “fine” at all? This, according to Meyer, is a lie. What’s wrong with it? Nothing, really. We certainly don’t want to bother the cashier, a complete stranger to us, with the fact that our son just underwent surgery, we just lost our pet, or whatever else we’re troubled with.

Lying might be hardwired into us. Babies will cry and then pause to see if someone is coming before going back to crying. Children automatically lie to get out of trouble, and by the time they graduate high school, they may lie to their parents in one out of five interactions. Lying makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. 

Whatever the type of lie or reason behind it, when we lie so frequently, we build up a tolerance for lying itself. This means it can become easier to tell bigger lies when we think they’re called for. And while we may tell white lies to protect others, we might also begin to lie more to protect ourselves. This is where the problem begins. We may justify lying to ourselves as lying to protect a relationship, but actually we’re doing it to save our skin.

So, you might ask, what’s wrong with that?

Let’s take a step back and ask a different question first: What do we gain from our intimate relationships? Research shows that happily married people experience a number of physical and mental health benefits that can lead to longer life. When people believe their partner is their best friend, health benefits may be even greater. Logically, then, what we might want from marriage is a feeling of connection and closeness and a partner we consider to be our best friend.

Lying can impact this intimacy by affecting all parts involved: the one who lies, the one who is lied to, and the relationship as a whole.

How Lying Impacts the Liar

When we are open and honest, we expose our vulnerable selves. Vulnerability means we are willing to let a partner to see our flaws. Having a loving partner who accepts our flaws both can help ease any stress we might experience as a result of having them and help us accept that we are all right after all. When our worst shame is laid bare and our partner accepts it, and accepts us in spite of it, then we can breathe a sigh of relief. We can relax and be ourselves. That is what intimacy is all about.

Lying, however, makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. Meyer found that married people lie to one another, on average, in one out of every 10 interactions. Unmarried people lie to each other approximately one in three times.

There are consequences to this dishonesty. People may not consciously know that someone is being deceptive, but—get this—they tend to like them less. So a person who lies somehow unconsciously reveals the fact of their dishonesty and as a result is liked less because they were not honest. What’s more, the deceived person will tend to lie to that person more frequently in response.

And all that from unconscious awareness!

Speaking of metaphorical walls, the worst of the walls we put up are the ones between ourselves and ourselves. Why do you think trained deception experts can spot liars through certain body language giveaways like saying “no” but shaking our head “yes”?

On some basic level, we don’t want to lie. As much as babies put on a show to manipulate adoring adults, they’re also told lying is wrong. So we grow up in a culture where both the powerful advantages of lying and the immorality of it tear at us. We handle the discrepancy through body language, choice of words, and use of (or lack of) pauses that often give us away to those who are trained to spot the inconsistencies.

People who tell lies often may themselves not even be aware they’re giving away their deception. While consciously trying to lie, they may unconsciously reject the lie—but they don’t know it. That’s how much they have cut themselves off from their own thoughts and feelings, their own self-awareness.

How Lying Impacts Those Lied To

For those deceived, the word “betrayal” is often inadequate. Researchers have found that even in cases of compulsive cybersex, spouses stated they felt traumatized by the discovery. At the very least, spouses or partners lost trust and sought out professional help. (Of interest is that in spite of this, adultery is not cited a major cause when people give reasons for divorce.)

People also tend to lie about financial and health issues. I heard of a person who divorced her husband because he did not inform her he could not have children before they were married.

In another case, when a wife asked her husband to take money out of the stock market to pay bills, he would always say that he could not get the money out on the same day when in fact he could. The result of the late delivery of money to this stay-at-home mom was humiliation over bounced checks and late payments. After he died, she discovered the lie, which he had repeated over many years, from his broker, and she felt betrayed and angry, which significantly impacted her memories of her marriage.

Recovering from Dishonesty

The good news: There is recovery from intimate partner lying. Often, with help, the relationship does not end but heals instead. The person who cheated or lied for some other reason must learn why they could not trust their partner to understand their needs and motives in the first place.

You see, while the deceived person loses trust when the truth comes out, the liar had already lost trust in the person they lied to or else they wouldn’t have needed to lie. Why didn’t the person who couldn’t have children share the truth? Perhaps his fiancée would have been willing to adopt. Why couldn’t the husband share his reason for holding onto the stock market money one extra day? If he hoped the numbers would go up, why was he afraid to share that?

While people who lie to their partners have a lot to learn about their fears of being open and vulnerable, those who have been lied to can learn if messages they gave out may have contributed to the problem. In spite of the pain on both sides, when the walls erected in a relationship are brought down safely and carefully, much good can come of this new openness.

References:

  1. Drefahl, S. (2012, May 24). Do the married really live longer? The role of cohabitation and socioeconomic status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(3), 462-475.
  2. Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169-188.
  3. Gino, F., & Bazeman, M. H. (2009). When misconduct goes unnoticed: The acceptability of gradual erosion in others’ unethical behavior. Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, 45(4), 708-719. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310900078X
  4. Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898?src=recsys
  5. Loenstein, L. F. (2005). Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 42(3-4), 153-171. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v42n03_09?src=recsys
  6. Meyer, P. (2011, October 13). How to spot a liar. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6vDLq64gE
  7. Meyer, P. (2011). Liespotting: Proven techniques to detect deception. New York: NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
  8. Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What every BODY is saying: An ex-FBI agent’s guide to speed-reading people. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
  9. Savedge, J. (2016, October 1). Being in a healthy relationship may help you live longer. MNN. Retrieved from https://www.mnn.com/health/healthy-spaces/blogs/why-being-healthy-relationship-may-help-you-live-longer
  10. Schneider, J. P., Weiss, R., and Samenow, C. (2012, April 9). Is it really cheating? Understanding the emotional reactions and clinical treatment of spouses and partners affected by cybersex infidelity. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 19(1-2), 123-139. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720162.2012.658344
  11. Thurnher, M, Fenn, C. B., Melichar, J., & Chiriboga, D. A. (1983). Sociodemographic perspectives on reasons for divorce. Journal of Divorce, 6(4), 25-35. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J279v06n04_02?src=recsys
  12. Tyler, J. M. (2006). The price of deceptive behavior: Disliking and lying to people who lie to us. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(1), 69-77. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310500034X
Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.