Have you ever watched two people argue and thought, “Wow, they could really use some help?” Maybe you’ve even felt that way about your own relationship. When things get tough with your partner, it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop, repeating the same arguments without ever finding a solution.

That’s where couples therapy can come in. It’s like having a skilled referee for your relationship – someone who can help you understand each other better, communicate more effectively, and navigate those tricky situations with more ease.

What is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is like a special kind of counseling for romantic partners. It involves meeting with a trained therapist to work on the challenges you’re facing in your relationship. Think of it as a safe space where you and your partner can:

• Talk openly and honestly: Sometimes it’s hard to say what’s really bothering you to your partner directly. A therapist can create an environment where you both feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns.
• Learn new communication skills: Have you ever felt like you’re talking past each other? Couples therapy can teach you how to listen actively, express your needs clearly, and resolve conflicts constructively.
• Understand each other’s perspectives: It’s easy to get stuck in our own point of view. A therapist can help you see things from your partner’s perspective and understand their feelings more deeply.
• Identify and address underlying issues: Sometimes relationship problems stem from deeper issues like past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or different expectations. A therapist can help you uncover and address these underlying issues.
• Strengthen your bond: Couples therapy can help you reconnect with your partner, deepen your intimacy, and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Who Can Benefit from Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy isn’t just for couples on the verge of breaking up. It can be helpful for couples at any stage of their relationship, including:

• Couples who are experiencing frequent arguments or disagreements.
• Couples who feel disconnected or distant from each other.
• Couples who are facing major life transitions, such as marriage, parenthood, or career changes.
• Couples who are struggling to cope with infidelity, addiction, or other challenges.
• Couples who simply want to improve their communication and strengthen their relationship.

What to Expect in Couples Therapy

The first step is usually an initial meeting with the therapist. This is an opportunity to discuss your concerns and decide if couples therapy is the right fit for you.

During therapy sessions, you and your partner will work together with the therapist to explore your relationship. You might discuss things like:

• Communication patterns: How do you and your partner typically communicate? Are there any recurring patterns of communication that lead to conflict?
• Conflict resolution strategies: How do you and your partner usually handle disagreements? Are these strategies effective?
• Relationship goals: What are your hopes and dreams for your relationship? What changes would you like to see?
• Individual needs and concerns: What are each of your individual needs and concerns within the relationship?

The therapist will use a variety of techniques to help you work through these issues. These might include:

• Active listening exercises: Learning to truly listen to your partner without interrupting or getting defensive.
• Communication skills training: Learning to express your needs and feelings clearly and assertively.
• Conflict resolution techniques: Learning to negotiate and compromise effectively.
• Emotional regulation strategies: Learning to manage your emotions in a healthy way during conflict.

Finding a Therapist

Finding the right therapist is important. You want to find someone who you both feel comfortable with and who has experience working with couples. Here are some tips for finding a therapist:

• Ask for referrals: Talk to your doctor, friends, family members, or other trusted sources for referrals to qualified therapists.
• Check online directories: Many online directories allow you to search for therapists in your area based on their specialties and experience.
• Schedule consultations: Most therapists offer free initial consultations. This gives you a chance to meet with them, ask questions, and see if you feel comfortable working with them.

Remember:

Couples therapy is an investment in your relationship. It takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. But for many couples, it can be a valuable tool for overcoming challenges, strengthening their bond, and building a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

“Their main sources of anxiety are feeling guilty when they displease others and the fear of being exposed as imposters. Their biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing and then becoming resentful of how much they do for others.”  

Dr. Lindsay Gibson 

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be a challenging experience. It can feel like trying to solve a complex puzzle with missing pieces. During your formative years, you may have been exposed to an emotional environment where your parents’ ability to offer maturity, support, and comfort was often unreliable. This post delves into the traits and impacts of emotional immaturity, exploring how its lasting effects touch various aspects of your life. These effects can range from missing childhood memories to struggling with emotions (alexithymia), self-esteem, and adult relationships. We aim to outline these obstacles and, more crucially, shed light on a journey towards healing and fostering healthy, meaningful connections. 

Understanding Emotional Immaturity 

What does it truly mean to be emotionally immature? It refers to the difficulty in managing emotions in a positive way, which often leads to unstable relationships and a lack of empathy. For an emotionally immature parent, their children’s emotions may seem like an unfamiliar and incomprehensible language. Their own emotional needs take priority, resulting in a household environment that overlooks the emotional needs of their children. It becomes customary to avoid emotional discussions, leaving their children to navigate an emotional landscape without guidance. 

Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents 

The characteristics of emotionally immature parents can manifest subtly, shaping the narratives their children internalize. Some children may grow up in an emotionally unstable home where a parent’s mood swings dictate the family’s stability. In contrast, others may encounter a distant, disengaged parent. Emotionally immature parents may also struggle in their relationships, leaving their children without a healthy relational model. The impact of emotionally immature parents on their children can be profound and multifaceted, creating an emotional landscape that can hinder personal growth and foster lifelong patterns. Children of such parents often feel emotionally isolated, burdened, and prematurely independent. It’s crucial to recognize these effects to reshape one’s life narrative. 

Patterns in Relationships Beyond the Youth 

The impacts of growing up with emotionally immature parents ripple through all future relationships. Adult children find themselves drawn to partners, friends, and workplaces mirroring the dynamics from their youth. This unconscious repetition of familiar yet unhealthy relationship patterns serves as a poignant example of how deeply emotional immaturity can shape us. Awareness of these patterns is the first step in breaking free from their destructive hold. 

Healing and Growth in the Face of Emotional Immaturity 

The healing process for adult children of emotionally immature parents is a multifaceted and often protracted undertaking. It involves a critical cataloging of one’s emotional landscape, relearning how to express and receive emotions, establishing a supportive community, and potentially seeking professional counseling. Only by unearthing the root of one’s relational difficulties can true growth be attained. 

Self-awareness and Breaking the Cycle 

When individuals encounter emotional immaturity in their parents, self-awareness becomes both a refuge and a tool. By unraveling the emotional patterns ingrained during childhood, grown children can pave the way for a new trajectory. Cultivating self-awareness serves as a defense against unknowingly perpetuating these patterns with their own offspring. Setting  

The journey to healing for adult children of emotionally immature parents is intricate and often prolonged. It encompasses meticulously examining one’s emotional terrain, rediscovering how to express and accept emotions, building a supportive network, and possibly engaging in professional therapy. Genuine personal growth can only blossom through uncovering the origins of one’s relational challenges. 

Boundaries, both emotional and physical, are the vanguard of any relationship. They delineate where one person ends and another begins. For adult children of emotionally immature parents, setting and maintaining boundaries can be a revelation, a tool to ensure that one’s emotional well-being is sacrosanct. It’s a powerful assertion and an act of self-care that can revolutionize one’s relationship dynamics. 

By understanding the characteristics of healthy, mature relationships, those who’ve faced parental emotional immaturity can start to redefine their relational map. This process involves identifying and nurturing relationships built on trust, empathy, and a mutual exchange of emotional support. 

Seeking Professional Help and Guidance 

Therapy plays a crucial role in the healing journey of adult children with emotionally immature parents. Collaborating with a skilled professional who understands the intricate dynamics of familial emotions can be truly liberating. It provides a nurturing environment to unravel, rediscover, and rebuild one’s emotional landscape, step by step, in a supportive atmosphere that fosters progress without judgment. 

For those starting on this demanding yet profoundly rewarding path, seeking professional assistance is not just an option; it is a vital stride. Trained therapists can guide individuals through the complexities of their emotional world, help them grasp the nuances of emotional immaturity, and offer practical strategies for emotional growth. 

Conclusion 

Navigating a relationship with emotionally immature parents is a crucial part of our emotional journey. It involves reflecting on the past to shape a more satisfying path ahead. Through self-awareness, establishing boundaries, and seeking support, emotional wounds can evolve into sources of strength, empathy, and positive relationships. The road to healing may be extended. Still, with patience, understanding, and self-compassion, adult children can break free from the cycle of emotional immaturity and create a happier, healthier future for themselves. Remember that you are not alone in this journey; seeking help is never a sign of weakness. 

Recap of Key Points 

In our deep dive into the complex realm of emotional immaturity and its impact on adult children, we’ve touched on the spectrum of challenges: emotional loneliness, premature independence, and the repeating cycles of relational patterns. However, we’ve also highlighted the many avenues for change and growth, from therapy to establishing new, healthy relationships. With each step forward, the narrative that began with emotionally immature parents can evolve into one of triumph over adversity and a life rich with emotional maturity and fulfillment. 

The few who choose the holy bond of matrimony in today’s society still struggle with the simple act of living well.  Those who denounce marriage as simply a piece of paper, go from attraction to sexual intimacy quickly, then wonder why they can’t have a long-lasting relationship.  

Couples or partners with shaky, argumentative relationships, dwell on what’s wrong with the other person, instead of looking inward to see what part they are playing.  For most couples,  arguments are over trivial matters, like “why didn’t you put the cap back on the toothpaste” which in the grand scheme of things will not matter in a few days, weeks, or months. Think about the trivia you argue about and will it really matter a few days in the future? And if not, forget it and move on.   

Focus on “Simply Living”

In some conflictual relationships, couples dwell on the problem, constantly bringing up the past, and not allowing for open discussion where each party feels listened to. 

What is wrong with marriage today is couples don’t spend enough time simply living, enjoying each other’s company, talking, and sharing fun moments together. Instead, they become mired in what is wrong with their marriage instead of the simple act of living well, in peace, harmony and serenity. Or bury themselves in endless hours of social media to avoid being vulnerable with their partner.  

Even when there is infidelity, there is time to share experiences, games, hobbies, and playful moments where fixing the problem is not the center of attention.  There has to be time to question and explain how you both got to this point, but it doesn’t have to be the center of your universe for the rest of your life.  

Study instead how to enjoy life.  

• Don’t take the simple wonders of nature for granted. 
• Discover what makes you happy and do it.  
• Become a giver rather than expecting others to fulfill all your needs. 
• Give people the benefit of the doubt instead of judging and comparing yourself to others.   
• Discover the art of completion; finding a project, hobby, course  or volunteer opportunity you can  do together, complete and feel good about your mutual  accomplishments.  
• Put down your cell phone and stay off your computer and spend time with your spouse and children. How did you feel growing up when your parents ignored you or gave you no emotional support?  

Intimacy Blockers

There are eight stages of intimacy, (sex is #7), all of which are important in establishing a long-term relationship.  They include having similar interests, goals, and dreams.

Being able to talk to each other and at the same time, enjoy being apart from each other without jealousy and mistrust. Having similar beliefs, ethics, morals and values. Being able to trust one another and feel safe in your own home.  

The problem is dating today has taken on a new meaning.  Meet someone and immediately have sex with a stranger. Then wonder why you can’t keep a long-term relationship. Your partnership is rooted in only one form of intimacy.   

In my practice I see couples who have a great sex life, but the other 23 hours of the day they are fighting with each other over mundane, petty, unimportant matters.  

What blocks intimacy for couples is lack of trust, need for control, and low self-esteem. When you can provide trust for your spouse, give up having to control every situation, and boost your self-esteem, you’re ready to live a life with peace of mind and serenity, even amidst the chaos and uncertainty about the future surrounding us all.  

There is a distinct difference between healthy sex and sexual abuse and addiction. Many people think of sexual addiction as something obsessive and compulsive which happens online or outside the bedroom with other people.  But there is a common thread within the household that rears the ugly head of addiction and that is sex as an obligation. “I did this for you, you owe me sex.”  

According to the McKinley Health Center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, “healthy sexuality is positive and enriches our lives.  Healthy sexuality allows us to enjoy and control our sexual behavior without guilt, fear, or shame.”   

Wendy Maltz developed the CERTS model for healthy sex. It includes consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety.  Healthy sex is a natural drive of choice, an expression of love, private, respectful, mutual, safe, and enhancing of who you are. Unhealthy sex in the form of abuse or addiction is an obligation, hurtful, manipulative, exploitive, emotionally distant, and benefits only one person.  

A man comes home from work, tired, depressed, angry, and stressed out. He wants to have sex to feel better.  But his wife looks at him and says, “You’re tired, depressed, angry, and stressed out, why would I want to have sex with you?”   It can’t be a one-way street.  

It’s the difference between intensity and intimacy.  Sex addicts have an intimacy disorder. It’s easier for them to fantasize about an erotic picture online than be vulnerable enough to be intimate with their partner.  

Keeping score with sex as the “prize” is not intimacy, it’s manipulative and unsafe for the partner and simply feeds the egocentric narcissism of the addict.  

Sex plays an essential part in any marriage or relationship.  Like any other behavior, it can turn from healthy to unhealthy quickly and partners need to be prepared by setting boundaries and guidelines of what they enjoy and don’t enjoy.  

If you are experiencing intimacy issues the GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

By Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds

You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you. 

The Evolution of a Relationship

It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic. 

Why You Relate the Way You Do

In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.

Different Attachment Styles

Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress. 

Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?

Further Research into Attachment Styles 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences. 

Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood? 

What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure? 

Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020; Sims, 2000; Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013; Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?

Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.

Transference-Focused Therapy

Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples. 

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy

Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.

Dyadic Regulation Processes

Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.

Partner Relationship Mindfulness

General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.

Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style

As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern.  

What Lies within Our Power?

We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth. 

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.

Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.

Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart. 

In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.

Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 

Kim, S.‐H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.

Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.

Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.

Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.

Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.

Keeping Your Love Tank Full During the Pandemic

You may have heard this phrase: “Love is not a guarantee.” The idea is that although you love someone, things may not always work out the way you want. This concept goes hand in hand with the Love Tank Theory, which suggests that our ability to love can run on empty if our “love tank” is not being filled. What fills up a love tank? The theory says this happens with frequent emotional connections. Not surprisingly, the coronavirus pandemic has triggered a wave of relationship changes as couples face unexpected hardships and challenges. So how can we keep our love tank full during the pandemic?

The Love Tank Theory

This theory, written about in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, talks of every person having a love tank. This tank’s fullness is controlled by emotional connections and disconnections and is tampered with throughout day-to-day life.

An Empty Tank

Depending on who each person is in and out of the relationship, a tank is filled and emptied in a variety of ways. Someone’s tank might empty if they are not receiving enough physical affection, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or other love languages native to their heart. What might empty one person’s love tank might not empty another’s. Our tank is drained when our emotional needs in the relationship are not being met. Once the tank is empty for too long, permanent damage can be caused to the relationship.  

The Impact of the Pandemic on Our Tank

Increased Stress/Anxiety/Worry

For many, the pandemic has brought an influx of stress, anxiety, and worry. There is still quite a bit that is unknown about the pandemic like when it will end or when regular life will return to normal. This has an increasing number of people experiencing fear for what the future holds. This can impact their mental health on a deep level. When our partner does not understand or respond in the way we need, it might drain our tank.

Limit on Physical Interactions

For partners who do not live in the same household or are long-distance, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on physical interactions. Travel restrictions have made it difficult for partners who do not live together to remain closely connected in everyday life. This could also apply to couples where one works in a high-risk environment. For individuals who depend on physical interaction to fill their tank, this could be increasingly draining. This increased remoteness during COVID-19 may also make it harder for those who prefer to receive love as quality time, since the opportunities and the types of quality time that can be spent together are likely diminished quite significantly. 

How to Refill Our Love Tank:

Intentional Connection

Being intentional with your time together is key to filling your love tank. Each person in the relationship needs to be on the same page about dedicating time to one another. Dedicating time and space to spend interacting with a mutual understanding of its importance for your relationship can be a great way to fill one another’s tank.

Communication

You have heard the phrase “communication is key” before. Open, honest, and intentional communication is essential to keeping our love tanks full. This involves more than just talking about each other’s day. Each person in the relationship should speak honestly about what they are feeling, how the other person makes them feel, and what they need in the relationship. This vulnerability strengthens the bonds of the relationship, giving space for each partner to be seen, known, and loved, and creates a healthy avenue for the expression of hopes and expectations. 

Relationships take work, especially in circumstances that demand we get creative. COVID-19 has certainly created such demanding circumstances for our relationships. Moving toward one another is an important part of keeping your love tanks full and your relationship satisfying. 

If you and your partner are struggling during the pandemic, you might consider connecting with a therapist in your area. To start your search, click here.

Help! My Partner Wants to “Open Up” Our Relationship

You never saw it coming. Your partner said, “We need to talk,” and you immediately began searching your memory banks: What did I do? Did I forget to pay the phone bill? Or take out the trash? Nope. Nothing so benign, something far scarier: they* want to change your monogamous relationship to … what? Something else. Why? What does this mean?

Why an Open Relationship?

First, a little reassurance is in order. There is nothing “wrong” with you, or with them. You are and will be okay. But why is this happening? You will need to conduct a little investigation into the specifics of your situation, but the options are numerous and many of them spring from the idea that one person cannot be another person’s everything. That your partner should meet every single one of your needs is a cultural construct that is often unrealistic and nearly unachievable. The idealized story goes something like this: person meets person, and in a whirlwind of romance the two come together in blissful harmony, they more or less agree on everything, have the same interests, love each other’s friends and family, support each other through work and family stress, agree about financial allocations, and, of course, are entirely sexually compatible. Does this sound like your relationship? Perhaps not.

Many couples work things out between them, perhaps leaning on friends or family for support. Others consider the possibility that adding additional people to the mix could make everyone happier. This is where the idea of “opening up,” or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), comes in. CNM is a blanket term used to describe non-traditional relationships including, but not limited to, open relationships, swinging, and polyamory**. Changing the nature of your twosome could fall into one of these general areas, but what that means to the two of you will be unique.

Things Will Change

Once you have had “the talk,” your relationship will never be quite the same again. That’s okay. You’ll consider what course to chart in this new phase of your relationship. If opening up your relationship is an attempt to fix what is broken, you should consider putting down this article and packing a bag. However, if you and your partner have a respectful, secure, loving relationship to begin with, opening up could be an option for you. Many partners travel this road because the sexual intensity between the two of them has decreased over time. Others hope that the inclusion of additional partners will result in all parties being a little bit happier. Whatever the reasons, you or your partner are ready to give something new a try.

The Path Forward – Talk to Each Other

Once you’ve had “the talk,” what happens next? More talking. Success in any type of CNM relationship depends on sincere, honest, and vulnerable communication. Initially, it is a good idea to explore with your partner what “opening up” means to them. Listen to them with openness and curiosity, and then look inward to see how that sits with you. Ask questions, and do not make assumptions. Be wary of potentially loaded words like “reasonable” without defining what reasonable means. (I may think it is perfectly reasonable to come home at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday morning; you, however, may think it is irresponsible and disrespectful.)

Poor communication and misunderstanding are common challenges and will have to be addressed thoughtfully on an ongoing basis. Another common challenge that partners face during the initial stages of opening up is how they can protect themselves from getting hurt. One way partners opening up for the first time attempt to avoid feeling their feelings is to establish “rules.” Loads and loads of rules. Rules are typically designed in an attempt to mitigate any possible feelings of discomfort in the future. For example, you cannot take a date to our favorite restaurant, or you will not engage in this or that particular sexual position with someone else. In reality, rules limit the exploration and experience in a number of ways, and may have unforeseen consequences. Other, currently unknown, humans will be involved with the two of you at some point, and they have feelings too! Trying to control everyone and everything so that you never have to experience discomfort definitely doesn’t work. So what does work? You may have guessed it: more talking. Direct and clear communication about how you feel when something causes you discomfort is the best way to get your needs met.

Finding Support

As you embark on your journey, consider community. Look online for support groups and other like-minded individuals or couples. Read books about the particular type of consensual non-monogamy you are considering. Improve your communication skills. Consider enlisting a therapist to help you explore the discomforts that arise for you, or a couple’s therapist to help you and your partner navigate the challenges that arise between the two of you (make sure this therapist is familiar with the lifestyle you are pursuing). This is a journey, and it is OK, in fact, it is recommended, to ask for help along the way.

* A quick note about pronoun selection. I adhere to the now widespread use of “they” as an all-inclusive singular pronoun.

** “Open relationships” refer to sexual connections with others outside the primary relationship; “swinging” is a partner activity of a sexual nature; “polyamory” is a bit more complex, but refers to romantic and sexual connections with others outside of the primary relationship in a wide variety of configurations.

To find a therapist, begin your search today.

Misophonia, sometimes called selective sound sensitivity syndrome, is sensitivity to specific sounds. Some common triggers include eating sounds such as chewing, throat sounds, nasal sounds such as a person blowing their nose, and repetitive noises such as tapping or clicking a pen.

While it is a potentially challenging symptom, misophonia is not a mental health diagnosis. A 2015 study of more than 300 people with misophonia found that only 2.2% had a mental health condition.

Misophonia can be extremely distressing both to the person with misophobia and their loved ones. It can cause conflict in relationships and make it difficult for couples to go to certain public places. In addition, sensitivity to the sounds a romantic partner makes may be hurtful and feel overbearing or critical.

How Misophonia Impacts Relationships

People with misophonia may struggle to gain understanding and acceptance from their partner. A partner might dismiss the misophonia, arguing the person is being too sensitive or controlling. The person with misophonia may also be critical of their partner when they make noises perceived to be annoying.

In relationships, misophonia can be a source of conflict, hurt feelings, and criticism on both sides. Some common issues include:

• Parenting children together. Many children make loud, annoying, or repetitive noises. This can make it difficult to equitably distribute the parenting load and may also cause the person with misophonia to be angry or impatient with the child.
• Going out in public. Common misophonia triggers include the sounds of people eating, clicking sounds such as pens and clocks, sounds associated with driving and traffic, and other people’s body sounds.
• Eating together. Many people with misophonia are sensitive to sounds such as chewing and silverware scraping against a plate.
• Understanding and identifying misophonia. The partner of a person with misophonia may think their partner is exaggerating or being excessively critical. The person with misophonia may not understand that their sensitive reaction to sounds is not typical.

A person with misophonia isn’t just annoyed by certain sounds; they find these sounds intolerable. Some even describe the sensation as physically painful, while others experience revulsion and disgust. In the context of a relationship, both partners may feel they have to plan their lives around misophonia. When a partner of a person with misophonia makes a triggering sound, they may feel judged, shamed, and criticized.

People with misophonia may struggle to gain understanding and acceptance from their partner. A partner might dismiss the misophonia, arguing the person is being too sensitive or controlling.

Misophonia Relationship Tips

People with misophonia may be able to improve their relationships by:

• Talking openly with their partner about their misophonia.
• Seeking individual treatment for misophonia. Some research suggests that the way a person emotionally processes sounds can lead to misophonia, and therapy may help with this.
• Ruling out medical causes. Some studies suggest misophonia occurs in as many as 60% of people with tinnitus (persistent ringing in the ears). Autism, sensory processing disorder, and other diagnoses may also play a role in misophonia.
• Talking about how certain sounds make you feel rather than blaming or shaming your partner. Expressing disgust at the sound of chewing can be hurtful. Telling your partner that loud chewing makes you feel anxious or overwhelmed, even when you love the other person, is often more productive.
• Practicing strategies for managing your emotional reactions. Deep breathing, visualization, and positive affirmations, for example, may help with angry reactions to everyday sounds.
• Identifying your misophonia triggers. The more specific you can get, the better. One strategy for coping with misophonia is to slowly expose yourself to your triggers at low doses and in low-stress situations. This strategy works best with the help of a therapist or doctor.
• Try carrying earplugs when you go out in public. This may enable you and your partner to enjoy yourselves in public settings that might otherwise prove difficult or overwhelming.

People in relationships with partners who have misophonia can support their relationship and partner by:

• Taking misophonia seriously. If your partner says they cannot stand a sound, believe them and empathize with their emotions. Your partner may feel panic, rage, or pain in response to sounds that are neutral or only mildly annoying to you.
• Practicing self-care. If your partner is unable to go to certain places or do activities that you enjoy, do them on your own or recruit a friend.
• Separating your partner’s reaction to sounds from their feelings about you. It can be hurtful if your partner dislikes a sound you make, such as chewing or clicking a pen. This reaction is about the sound, not their feelings for you.
• Making reasonable accommodations for your partner’s needs. If you make a sound your partner cannot tolerate—such as chewing with your mouth open—it’s easy to feel defensive. But when this sound is something you can easily change, try to do so. People make many changes, small and large, in relationships. Reminding yourself of this fact can make it easier to change the sounds you make.
• Helping your partner identify misophonia triggers. Try to narrow to a list of specific triggers. For example, “traffic sounds” is vague and make numerous public outings difficult. Disliking squealing tires is more specific. Specific information makes it easier to work around your partner’s sound sensitivities.

Little research on misophonia supports specific treatments, and no drug has been approved for the treatment of misophonia. Preliminary evidence, however, suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be effective. A 2017 study of 90 people with misophonia found that 48% had a significant reduction in symptoms of misophonia with CBT.

Couples Counseling and Misophonia

Individual counseling may help a person with misophonia better understand their diagnosis and triggers, develop coping skills, and perhaps even overcome their triggers through progressive exposure.

Couples counseling can help partners understand one another’s needs and may empower both partners to stop misophonia from undermining their relationship and quality of life. A compassionate therapist may:

• Help couples strategize ways to work around the misophonia.
• Support partners in better-balancing family and household labor when misophonia makes certain tasks—such as caring for a crying baby—difficult.
• Empathize with one another’s emotions. People with misophonia may feel dismissed and poorly understood by their partners, who may feel criticized or judged for their own sounds or resentful that misophonia limits the activities they can do together.
• Foster productive communication that avoids blame and shame.
• Teach couples skills to foster intimacy and closeness even when some outings and tasks are impossible.

The right therapist helps both partners feel respected and safe. Therapists offer solutions without judgment in the privacy of a completely confidential session and can help you set goals that align with your values. Find a therapist near you who can help.

References:

1. Kumar, S., Hancock, O., Cope, T., Sedley, W., Winston, J., & Griffiths, T. D. (2014). Misophonia: A disorder of emotion processing of sounds. Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry, 8(85). Retrieved from https://jnnp.bmj.com/content/85/8/e3.32
2. Palumbo, D. B., Alsalman, O., Ridder, D. D., Song, J., & Vanneste, S. (2018). Misophonia and potential underlying mechanisms: A Perspective. Frontiers in Psychology, 9. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00953
3. Schröder, A. E., Vulink, N. C., Loon, A. J., & Denys, D. A. (2017, August 1). Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in misophonia: An open trial. Journal of Affective Disorders, 217, 289-294. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032716321681

More than 4 percent of Americans experience bipolar at some point during their lives. During manic episodes, a person with bipolar may have surges in energy, an elevated mood, and sometimes a sense of invincibility. Around 40% of people with bipolar also experience hypersexuality.

When a person’s sex drive is significantly higher than their partner’s, it can cause stress and conflict. In a person with bipolar, difficulties with impulse control can exacerbate these common relationship issues.

Couples in which one partner has bipolar hypersexuality may worry about the effects of bipolar. But bipolar hypersexuality does not have to undermine a relationship. A 2016 study found that when it comes to establishing and maintaining relationships, people with bipolar have similar outcomes to people without mental health issues. Couples may, however, report differences in sexual satisfaction as the person with bipolar experiences mood cycles.

What is Bipolar Hypersexuality?

Most people with bipolar experience cycling moods. This includes times of depression (characterized by low energy, sadness, and hopelessness) and times of mania (characterized by periods of exuberance and high energy). Some people become more interested in sex during mania.

Hypersexuality is not a medical diagnosis. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) rejected its including in the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Other organizations, such as the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) also reject the diagnosis. This is because religion, cultural influences, gender norms, and a couple’s own history all influence their views on what is acceptable sexual behavior. No specific frequency of sex or sexual thoughts is in itself harmful or excessive. What seems very excessive to one couple might be completely normal for another.

Couples concerned about hypersexuality should instead look at changes over time and how those changes affect their life. It is common for couples to differ in their understanding of how frequently they should have sex. Some signs that one partner may be experiencing bipolar-related hypersexuality include:

• A sudden, unexplained increase in sexual feelings.
• Overwhelming sexual urges that cause immense distress. A person might continue thinking about sex even when they don’t want to.
• Feeling intense and painful feelings of rejection if a partner is not interested in sex.

Does Bipolar Hypersexuality Increase the Risk of Infidelity?

Most couples are in monogamous relationships, so an episode of hypersexuality may trigger fears of infidelity. Consensually non-monogamous couples may have other concerns, such as dishonesty about sexual relationships, unsafe sex practices with other partners, and sexual risk-taking.

While there are many studies on bipolar and sex, research on bipolar and infidelity is limited. Estimates of infidelity in bipolar relationships can vary wildly.

There is no right amount of sex to have and no wrong way to feel about sex as long as all involved parties consent. In a 2005 review, 40% of participants with cyclothymia reported “episodic or unexplained promiscuity or extramarital affairs.” However, the study’s definition of sexual excess included “overt bisexuality” and “sexual activity many times per day.” Neither of these factors fall under the category of infidelity, meaning the actual rate of extramarital affairs was likely lower.

A 2016 study compared sexual behavior of people with bipolar to those without bipolar and found very different results. Researchers found no significant difference in sexual risk-taking between bipolar and non-bipolar participants. Sexual risk-taking included items such as “sex with strangers” or “recreational substance use during sex.” The study did not measure infidelity directly though.

There is little evidence to suggest bipolar, or even bipolar hypersexuality, is a significant risk factor for infidelity. Other factors, such as age or gender, seem to play a much larger role. However, hypersexuality may affect couples in other ways, such as creating chronic conflicts over libido.

How Bipolar Hypersexuality Can Affect Couples

Many couples struggle with differences in libido. The effects of these differences depend on each partner’s views about sex, relationships, and intimacy. Some common themes include:

• Issues with attachment and intimacy. When one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other does, the partner who wants sex more often may feel rejected. The partner with the lower libido may feel that their partner ignores other forms of intimacy.
• Sexual coercion and pressure. Hypersexuality may cause some people to frequently make sexual overtures to their partners. This can feel like sexual pressure and may even become coercive.
• Fears of cheating. The partner who has a lower libido may fear infidelity.
• Anger and frustration. Both partners may struggle with anger and frustration about their sexual disagreements, especially if they find those disagreements difficult to discuss.
• Shame. Many cultures and religions promote very specific ideas about what type of sex, at what frequency, is acceptable. A couple who deviates from these norms may feel embarrassment or shame.
• Bipolar-related stress. Cycling moods can be stressful to both partners. This stress may compound the challenges of managing differences in libido.

Coping Strategies for Couples with Bipolar Hypersexuality

Treatment for bipolar can help with feelings of hypersexuality. Couples can also adopt a wide range of coping strategies. Those include:

• Identifying the early warning signs of a manic episode. Some people with bipolar need to change their treatment regimen as a manic episode approaches. Keeping a log of symptoms can help with predicting the next episode.
• Putting the hypersexuality in context. Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar, not necessarily a problem with the relationship. Couples may do well to remember that hypersexuality does not define their partnership or who they are as individuals.
• Limiting exposure to triggers. Some people find that certain triggers intensify feelings of hypersexuality. For example, someone who normally uses pornography in a healthy way may find that viewing pornography during a manic episode triggers insatiable sexual desires.
• Relaxation exercises. Bipolar hypersexuality can make both partners feel anxious about their relationships. Doing relaxing activities together, such as meditation, may help. Individual relaxation through yoga or deep breathing can also offer relief.
• Physical activity. Some people find regular physical exercise helps with excessive sexual thoughts. It may also help with other bipolar symptoms.
• Seeking non-pathologizing sex therapy. There is no right amount of sex to have and no wrong way to feel about sex as long as all involved parties consent. Yet shame and humiliation can make both parties feel worse about hypersexuality. It is important to seek treatment from a therapist who will listen without judgment and who is knowledgeable about the continuum of healthy sexual expression.

How Therapy Can Help Bipolar Hypersexuality

Sex often goes hand-in-hand with shame and guilt. Thus, many couples may struggle to talk about bipolar hypersexuality. The person with bipolar may feel simultaneously guilty about their desires and angry about their partner’s inability to match their libido. This can leave them feeling ashamed and unloved. Their partner may feel frustrated or even intimidated by constant sexual overtures. They may worry their partner will leave or be unfaithful, triggering feelings of insecurity and anxiety. Some may judge their partner for their sexual feelings, leading to poor communication and escalating shame.

Couples counseling can offer hope. The right therapist works to help both members of a couple feel safe talking about their emotions and sexual needs. In so doing, therapy can:

• Destigmatize sex, making it easier to talk about differing sexual desires.
• Help couples renegotiate their unspoken understandings about sex.
• Undermine the idea that there is a right or wrong way to feel about or have sex.
• Support couples to move past sexual betrayals.
• Offer each partner coping skills that help them manage anxiety, deepen attachments, and feel less alone.

Individual therapy can help people with bipolar understand their diagnosis and better manage their emotions. It may help the partners of said individuals identify the ways bipolar affects their lives and their relationships.

Many couples find that a combination of individual and couples therapy works best. If you would like get help for bipolar hypersexuality, you can find a therapist here.

References:

1. AASECT Position on Sex Addiction. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aasect.org/position-sex-addiction
2. Auteri, S. (2014). What you need to know about…hypersexuality. Retrieved from https://www.aasect.org/what-you-need-know-about-hypersexuality
3. Bipolar disorder. (2017, November). Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/bipolar-disorder.shtml
4. Downey, J., Friedman, R. C., Haase, E., Goldenberg, D., Bell, R., & Edsall, S. (2016). Comparison of sexual experience and behavior between bipolar outpatients and outpatients without mood disorders. Psychiatry Journal, 2016(1). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852112
5. Kopeykina, I., Kim, H., Khatun, T., Boland, J., Haeri, S., Cohen, L. J., & Galynker, I. I. (2016). Hypersexuality and couple relationships in bipolar disorder: A review. Journal of Affective Disorders, 195(1), 1-14. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032715306649
6. Toussaint, I., & Pitchot, W. (2013). Hypersexual disorder will not be included in the DSM V: A contextual analysis. The Medical Review of Liege, 68(5-6), 348-353. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23888588
7. Wang, W. (2018, January 10). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity in America. Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america