According to data from the U.S. Department of Justice, most intimate partner violence (82%) is committed against women. Increased awareness of domestic violence against women has spurred an international movement, led to the creation of domestic violence shelters, and helped a generation of women leave their abusers.

Men can be victims, too. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of domestic violence, and 1 in 7 have been victims of severe physical violence. Anti-domestic violence rhetoric has not caught up to this reality, leaving many male victims with few resources. Some worry that the abuse is their fault or a sign of weakness. Others are met with derision and stigma when they seek help.

Therapy can help male victims of abuse identify signs of abuse, understand that it’s not their fault, leave abusive partners, and recover from the long-lasting trauma of abuse. For men to fully gain the support they need, the conversation about domestic violence must include them.

Domestic Violence Against Men: What Are the Facts?

Between 5-7% of male murder victims are killed by intimate partners. This figure is smaller than the number of women homicide victims killed by intimate partners (55%) but shows that domestic violence is more than an inconvenience or annoyance. It can and does kill men.

Even when men are the victims, most perpetrators of domestic violence are male. Nevertheless, women can and do abuse their partners. A 2005 study of domestic violence arrests in Tennessee found that 16% of perpetrators were female. A 2002 study of Air Force personnel put the figure even higher, finding that 23% of abusers were women.

The 1990 National Family Violence Survey found similar rates of self-reported domestic abuse among women and men. Wives reported committing violence at a rate of 12.4%, compared to 11.6% of husbands.

Men who have romantic relationships with men face an even higher rate of domestic abuse. A 2018 study of 160 male-male couples in three different cities found that 46% of respondents reported experiencing some form of domestic violence in the past year.

Research on domestic violence among nonbinary and transgender populations is still in its infancy. Rates of many forms of violence are higher in gender nonconforming populations, so it’s likely that domestic violence is more prevalent in gender nonconforming groups as well. Violence against transgender and nonbinary people often uses their identity and vulnerabilities as a means of control and exploitation. For instance, an abusive partner might threaten to out a transgender man to his employer.

Intersecting oppressions can further compound the effects of domestic violence. A 5 year University of Texas study found that black and Latinx couples are 2 to 3 times more likely to report domestic violence. Differences in access to power and privilege may intensify the effects of domestic abuse. For instance, high profile stories about police shootings of unarmed black people may make black male abuse survivors more reluctant to contact law enforcement for help.

Pervasive myths about domestic violence against men can deter men from seeking help. Even when they do seek help, men face an uphill battle to find resources.

‘I’m Serious’: Overcoming the Obstacle of Disbelief

Domestic abuse survivors of all genders and backgrounds may struggle with getting people to believe their claims. Abusers may seem superficially nice and use that to their advantage. Male survivors are even more likely to struggle to gain acceptance of their claims. Some of the barriers male survivors face include:

• Disbelief that the perpetrator could be abusive. If the perpetrator is nice, friendly, or well-respected, people are often reluctant to believe they are abusive. In some cases, they may wonder what the survivor did to “provoke” the abuser. When the abuser is a woman, it can be even more difficult to convince people that an apparently “nice” person behaves violently.
• Gender myths. The notion that women are weak or naturally nonviolent works against male survivors when the perpetrator is a woman. Bystanders might think it’s impossible for a woman to overpower a man or believe that if the man really wanted to fight back, he could.
• Homophobia. The homophobic belief that being an abuse victim makes a man weak, and therefore gay, pervades in some communities. Straight men who fear being labeled gay may hesitate to report their abuse. Gay or bisexual abuse survivors may worry that people will blame their abuse on their sexuality.
• Intersecting oppressions. Men who experience other forms of oppression, such as racism or ableism, may be more reluctant to report their abuse. A disabled man, for example, may fear that reporting his abuse will make others perceive him as weak. A person of color might fear the police even more than they fear their abuser.

Is There a Lack of Access to Resources for Men?

Pervasive myths about domestic violence against men can deter men from seeking help. Even when they do seek help, men face an uphill battle to find resources.

One study of 302 heterosexual men who sought help from domestic violence hotlines found that most did not get the help they need. Sixty-four percent of hotline workers told the men that the hotline only served women. In 32% of cases, abused men were referred to programs for abusers, suggesting that the person who took the call did not believe the caller needed help. Sixty-nine percent of participants reported their call to a hotline was “not helpful.”

Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. Research consistently shows that abusers are more likely to kill their partners in the weeks immediately following the relationship’s end. Domestic violence shelters can provide a safe space for people escaping abuse, especially when the abuser also controls access to financial resources. Most shelters, however, cater exclusively to women. Even shelters that are open to men have a limited number of beds available. Men may have to wait months to gain access to a shelter, assuming a shelter is available at all.

Prompt intervention by law enforcement immediately following an act of domestic violence can save lives. For decades, women’s rights groups have lobbied police departments to take intimate partner violence seriously. While the culture of some police departments regarding female victims has changed, men continue not to be believed in many cases. Police may not take abuse against men seriously or even mock men who claim to be victims.

Bringing Inclusivity to the IPV Conversation

Widespread discussions of concepts such as toxic masculinity, misogyny, and male abuse of women have brought male abuse to the fore of our collective consciousness. This has the power to spur important social change. But the widespread nature of male violence conceals a less well-known problem: violence against men. Discussions of violence that assume a male perpetrator and a female victim are stigmatizing. They uphold inaccurate gender myths, support a false gender binary, and deter people who need help from seeking it.

In therapy, providers must take seriously the possibility that men, women, and people of all genders can be abused. Therapists concerned about violence between couples should talk to both members of the couple about experiences with violence rather than assuming the perpetrator is male.

It’s equally important for friends and family to be mindful of the effects of domestic violence on men. Domestic violence is not a joke. A man who shares an experience with intimate partner violence has taken a significant risk. Listen to him. Offer support. Reassure him that he is not alone.

Only by destigmatizing revelations of violence can we begin upending a culture of abuse. Male victims matter, too.

References:

1. Domestic violence varies by ethnicity. (2018, June 10). Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/domestic-violence-varies-by-ethnicity-62648
2. Black, M. C., Basile, K. C., Breiding, M. J., Smith, S. G., Waters, M. L., Merrick, M. T., . . . Stevens, M. R. (2011). National intimate partner and sexual violence survey 2010 summary report. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf
3. Khazan, O. (2017, July 24). Nearly half of all murdered women are killed by romantic partners. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/07/homicides-women/534306
4. Male survivors of domestic violence. (2017). Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved from http://www.pcadv.org/Learn-More/PCADV-Publications/STOP-TA-Bulletins/#SpotID_16429
5. Researcher: What happens when abused men call domestic violence hotlines and shelters? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://nationalparentsorganization.org/blog/3977-researcher-what-hap-3977
6. Suarez, N. A., Mimiaga, M. J., Garofalo, R., Brown, E., Bratcher, A. M., Wimbly, T., . . . Stephenson, R. (2018). Dyadic reporting of intimate partner violence among male couples in three U.S. cities. American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 1039-1047. doi: 10.1177/1557988318774243
7. Swan, S. C., Gambone, L. J., Caldwell, J. E., Sullivan, T. P., & Snow, D. L. (2008). A review of research on women’s use of violence with male intimate partners. Violence and Victims, 23(3), 301-314. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2968709
8. Truman, J. L. & Morgan, R. E. (2014). Nonfatal domestic violence, 2003-2012. U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ndv0312.pdf

Dear GoodTherapy,

My best friend and I have known each other since college. We started out as “enemies,” competing to see who could get the best grades, run the fastest mile … you get the idea. Rivalry led to grudging respect, which in turn led to a ride-or-die brotherhood.

We moved in together after graduation, but the competitive streak never went away. We’ve always been rivals first, friends second. Now that we live together, we have smaller, more personal things to compete over, such as who’s growing the better beard, who makes more money, and so on.

At first it was a blast. We had dumb contests over who could clean their half of the apartment quickest or who could finish their cereal first. It made all the boring parts of adulthood fun.

But after three years, the rivalry has become a drain on my life. I feel as if I’m always putting on a show, like I can’t relax in my own apartment. It’s gotten to the point where I’m driving the scenic route home, buying a few more minutes to myself.

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Part of me wonders if I lost my enthusiasm because my friend got a promotion at his job before I did. I’m happy for him, really. But now there’s this unspoken tension between us. My line of work requires a lot more training than his does, so I won’t catch up financially in two years at least. I’m finding myself being more competitive about fitness to compensate, even though I’m already exhausted.

I want to quit this never-ending competition, or at least dial it back some. But if I talk to my friend about it, I’ll be “surrendering,” and my pride can’t take that. Is there any way for me to bow out of this rivalry without losing my friend’s respect? —Can’t Compete

Dear CC,

It’s funny you ask me that, because your competitor/friend also just wrote to me, and I’m trying to decide which is the better question.

Okay, I’m kidding. I appreciate the question. To be honest, it sounds like an excellent premise for a comedy film or short story. I can see the caption now: “Let the game begin!” with two serious young men staring at us.

I can’t help but wonder what keeps it going, and (in all seriousness) what makes the stakes so important. It is somewhat intriguing you have this self-protective pride with (I’m assuming) such a good friend (let’s call him John for the sake of simplicity). What’s up with that?

It makes sense that after three years you have tired of the constant rivalry, which from the sound of it pretty much overwhelms the friendship. I’m trying to imagine what meals at home are like. “Pass the salt.” “Quick: What’s the chemical compound of salt, and which elemental combination is toxic?” It’s a sure way to drive one batty, and I commend you for hanging in there so long. Part of me wonders, in fact, if your friend/rival feels the same.

In fact, it sounds as if the intense, never-ending competition has become a bit toxic, and certainly not fun—which begs the question of why you haven’t discussed it yet.

The moment I typed that question, a thought came to me. Perhaps it is hard for you to tell if “John” is truly a caring friend—would he forgive or accept your wanting to end the exhausting, perpetual contests, or would he lord it over you and say, “Ah, so you couldn’t handle the pressure, eh bro? Guess I win!” If so, the risk then is of possibly losing the friendship or taking a hit to your self-esteem (since obviously his estimation of you matters to you), thus the dilemma of having to endure or continue a competition longer than any iron man contest imaginable.

Now for a bit of oversimplified psychology. The pioneer psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, who bravely broke away from Sigmund Freud to create a psychoanalytic or psychological perspective based on empathy, spoke of two types of “transferences.” Transference can be understood in myriad ways.

One of the ways I think of it is how we attach to others. Specifically, others who represent the possibility of meeting some of our ongoing or unmet emotional needs. It is not unusual for young men to enter the kind of friendly, even sometimes edgy competition you speak of. Here, however, there seems to be an extra something underscoring the contest; something that is very much at stake, that could be lost if one of you “gives in” or “succumbs.”

Kohut spoke of an idealizing transference and a twinship transference. (There are other types, and this is oversimplified for the sake of brevity.) An idealizing transference tends to be that of a child looking up to a parent in search of positive reflection, encouragement, self-esteem, what have you. In Star Wars, for instance, Luke has competing father figures: the loving and benevolent Obi-Wan Kenobi and the darker, ego-based Darth Vader, each of whom struggles for the allegiance of Luke’s soul.

In this vein, I detect a possible co-idealization going on—either between you and “John,” or between you and some internalized father or authority figure whose possible “approval” (or denial thereof) is at stake in these contests, which have taken on significance. It makes me wonder if each of you sees a bit of your own father (or mother, or some other authority figure) in the other, or if you both invoke a coach you both had who instigated competition and doled out approval. Perhaps, along these lines, the two of you are now enacting or reliving an earlier, unresolved competition, the psychological stakes of which are mutually understood to be high.

This brings me to the second idealization Kohut talks about, which is twinship, or a profound sense of close companionship or cosmic similarity. A twinship is, as the name suggests, analogous to siblings. Using the Skywalker example, Luke turns out to have a profound twinship with his sister Leia, and (SPOILER ALERT!) sacrifices his life for her in the most recent installment. On a more comic level, there is a rich twinship between the two droids, C3PO and R2D2. (Many comic duos are based on such twinships, such as Laurel and Hardy, Hope and Crosby, Cheech and Chong, and man am I dating myself!)

I am curious about whatever deeper or unconscious motivations are pushing this initially rousing (I am guessing) and benevolently competitive twinship into an intensive contest where only one of you “wins” while the other shamefully “loses”—as if some judging but invisible authority figure is hovering close at hand.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

Your task, then, as I see it, would be to find and tap into the “benevolent parent” or Obi-Wan Kenobi aspect of yourself. Confide in a trusted counselor or adviser. Maybe say to John, “Hey, buddy, it’s been fun, but it’s over. I just can’t anymore. Too tiring and time consuming, and we both have a life. We’re not college students anymore, so let’s move on” … or something of the kind.

You might also point out that life itself is competitive, in terms of finding a successful partner, career, and so forth. At what point does this college holdover become a distraction or safer way of competing in a wider, more uncertain, or even more intimidating world? Might the two of you become allies in spurring each other on, since the field of competition (as it were) has grown wider, more vast?

Finally, allow some compassion for the two of you, certainly yourself. Change is difficult, and transitioning into post-college adulthood is daunting. Clearly you have other tasks before you, and life is calling you forth. Sounds like you have good intuition to move on from this, and I would follow it.

Yes, it is risky, as John could become a taunting sibling or even invoke a dark or judging parent or authority figure before your very eyes and shamefully exclaim, “You weakling!” But honestly, so what? Do you really want to have a friend who is that inflexible, so insecure that he must always be competitive? I also imagine, by the way, that any potential romantic partners, were it to continue unabated, might find it distracting. (The comedy film I Love You, Man and similar “bromances” touched on these themes.)

The fact you even sent the question means your psyche or spirit is wanting to grow—which is difficult, to be sure, but a sign of maturity. In the end, you learn that a mark of true self-esteem is not needing to compare yourself, since each person is on their own existential journey. Perhaps this is, in part, what is dawning on you.

Hope this was helpful. Thanks for writing.

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

We are doing something wrong.  When thinking of the recent school and mass shootings, whether I’m considering the issue of gun control, mental health awareness, or any other related topic, one thing stands out to me more than anything else: socialization.

How Toxic Masculinity Develops

While I agree we need to evaluate (or re-evaluate) many issues that may contribute to tragedies like the Parkland shooting, one thing likely to contribute to a major generational shift is the way we parent our boys. I am not saying there have not been female school shooters, but no one can deny the staggering difference in the number of male school shooters vs. female.

As a social worker trained in child development, certain trends stand out to me when reading about school shootings. Most school shootings in America are perpetrated by young males. It is common for shooters to have a history of abusing others or of experiencing abuse themselves. They often have a sense of entitlement to specific people (usually female peers) or the attention of a group (again, usually female peers).  Another common trend is a desire for retribution and revenge against those who they feel have wronged them. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

My professional opinion is that not all of this phenomenon can be attributed to the way our culture socializes boys—but a lot of it can be. Men in America are generally raised to embody the masculine ideals of Western culture. They are encouraged to be strong and tough. They are told they should always be willing to fight for themselves, their loved ones, and their beliefs. The problem here is not the idea of masculinity, but how we encourage our boys to follow these ideals.

We are damaging our children. We are teaching our sons and daughters that women are weaker and that emotions are a sign of that weakness.

My office overlooks a playground, so I can often hear what is going on in the microcosm below. My attention is frequently caught by disagreements between children. Let’s say someone took a toy out of a child’s hand. The girls will often cry, run to an adult for help, or let the toy theft happen while disappointedly moving on to something else. Sure, some girls are stronger advocates for themselves and will take the toy back, but often they do not. On the other hand, the boys will typically follow their peer, steal the toy back, and continue playing. Sometimes when one boy hits or smacks another, the original victim of the action will return the hit with equal or greater aggression. Again, this is not true for all boys. But most of the time, this is the type of interaction that will play out.

I see how this type of socialization begins both in my office and out in the world. As a society, we can unintentionally instill gender roles into our children through positively reinforcing certain behaviors. Girls are often encouraged to show gentleness and compassion. We often urge our boys to stifle their healthy emotions to avoid appearing weak (or by implication, feminine).

When boys experience bullying, they are typically taught not to cry or talk it out. Instead, we usually teach them to fight back and prove their manhood to those who challenged them. Sure, self-defense is appropriate in certain situations, but I have found we disproportionately encourage our sons to prove their toughness. I rarely see parents validate their sons’ emotional experiences or encourage boys to be in touch with their feelings.

Redefining Masculinity

We are damaging our children by teaching them that women are weaker and that emotions are a sign of that weakness. As teens, boys are socialized by their peers to view their value and sense of self in terms of how many sexual partners they have, how much weight they can lift, how many beers they can drink, and whether they can finish a fight. As adults, men are often encouraged to be aggressive in the boardroom so they are not seen as pushovers. Meanwhile, women with the same aggressive attributes may be shamed and belittled by coworkers for their “nastiness.”

We need to foster empathy and destigmatize sensitivity in men.

This is where we as a culture and a country need to step up and do right by our children, especially our boys. We need to foster empathy and destigmatize sensitivity in men. (Better yet, let’s validate the feelings of all children, regardless of their gender.) We should allow our boys to cry without making them feel as if they are weak or less worthy of respect when they do. Instead, let’s praise our children for showing their emotions and encourage them to see the strength that comes from doing so. If we work to impart this altered view of masculinity, our sons may not be so quick to hit back when insulted, may not start rumors about girls who reject them, and may not pick up a weapon to punish those who they perceived have done them wrong.

If you have a child who is displaying aggression, or if you would like to look deeper into how gender roles affect your own behavior, therapy can help. You can find a therapist who specializes in aggression, child development, men’s issues, or any other relevant concern.

References:

1. Larkin, R. W. (2011). Masculinity, school shooters, and the control of violence. In W. Heitmeyer, H. Haupt, S. Malthaner, & A. Kirschner (Eds.), Control of violence: Historical and international perspectives on violence in modern societies, (pp. 315–344). New York, NY: Springer.
2. A study of active shooter incidents, 2000 – 2013. (2013, September 16). U.S. Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.fbi.gov/file-repository/active-shooter-study-2000-2013-1.pdf/view

School shooters may feel unable to live up to their school’s masculine norms, according to a study published in the journal Gender Issues. All 29 of the shootings the study identified involved male shooters. Insecurity and family difficulties figured prominently in the shooters’ history.

Some analysts have argued that pressure to conform to a masculine ideal that involves dominance and control plays a role in mass shootings. Dubbed “toxic masculinity,” this phenomenon might explain why the overwhelming majority of spree killers are men. This study found boys who were labeled with feminine epithets and shunned by their peers were more likely to engage in shootings—perhaps in an attempt to regain control or feel more masculine.

The Link Between Gender Role Pressure and School Shootings

The study included data from all identifiable school shootings committed between 1995-2005 in the United States. The data included 29 shootings, and 31 shooters. The study, which highlighted previous research emphasizing the role of masculine norms of violence in school shootings, sought to identify characteristics that school shooters might share. [fat_widget_right]

According to the study, previous research has found that boys who engage in school shootings are more likely to experience emasculating bullying, such as being called gendered or homophobic epithets. They often explore violent themes in their writing and recreational activities, idealize violent figures, are excessively interested in guns, and come from families that own guns. Many told a classmate of a plan to engage in violence. In most cases, at least one adult said the shooter had engaged in aggressive misbehavior such as fighting or threatening another student.

All 31 of the shooters in the study had been the subject of emasculating bullying. They all showed some signs of rejection and marginalization, such as being rejected by a girlfriend or having few friends.

Ten of the shooters had previously been diagnosed with a mental health condition, and 10 others grew up in abusive homes. The other 11 boys had a history of reacting aggressively when they felt humiliated.

School Shootings: A Product of Toxic Masculinity?

In adolescence, conforming to male stereotypes—being tough, heterosexual, and “cool”–is often a major predictor of whether a boy will fit in with his peers. Boys who feel they cannot live up to this standard may react violently. They may also face rejection and seek revenge in a way that confirms their masculine identity.

Stopping School Shootings

Kathryn Farr, the author of the study, believes ongoing discussions about gender and gender role pressure could help prevent school shootings. She also urges schools to work to identify boys struggling with masculinity. Talking to students about school shootings may also be a helpful step, as shooters often tell others of their plans to engage in violence. If students know this, they may be more likely to tell an authority figure about threats of violence.

References:

Farr, K. (2017). Adolescent rampage school shootings: Responses to failing masculinity performances by already-troubled boys. Gender Issues. doi:10.1007/s12147-017-9203-z

Low self-esteem, an issue I see in a number of the men I work with, is common in those who tend to look outside of themselves for validation and self-worth. Not only is low self-esteem understood to relate to depression, it may also contribute to addiction, feelings of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. Some of the individuals I work with struggle to maintain a sense of being “good enough” that is adequate to keep them emotionally afloat.

Let’s consider this phenomenon more carefully, considering how it might be possible to refocus attention toward the inner world in order to establish a more stable and positive sense of self. With increased self-esteem may come reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety as well as increased overall well-being.

What Exactly Is Self-Esteem?

We often hear others talk about self-esteem, but this phrase can become so commonly used it may begin to lose meaning. Self-esteem describes a person’s subjective assessment of their own value or worth. For example:

• Do you like who you are?
• Do you think others like you, or who you are?
• Do you feel you have inherent value to the world?

Self-esteem can also be described as a kind of emotional fuel that drives many of the choices a person makes and the actions they take. A person who has high self-esteem may be more likely to choose relationships that are healthy and may also be more likely to take action when trying to achieve what they want in terms of their career, creative life and lifestyle. People with high self-esteem may also tend to refuel, or bounce back, relatively quickly when faced with criticism from others or general setbacks in life. [fat_widget_right]

Those with lower self-esteem may feel as if they are not inherently valuable. Their emotional fuel tanks are low, and they may have difficulty making good decisions, or any decisions at all. People who see themselves as worthless may be more likely to find themselves in a harmful or abusive relationship or alone when they do not want to be, feeling they do not deserve anything better. They may also feel trapped in dead-end jobs or refuse to pursue something more in line with their career goals or desires.

The Source of Self-Esteem

Parents and other caretakers, as well as society at large, contribute to the development of a person’s sense of self-esteem, the shaping of which begins early in childhood. Children need loving adults to reflect back their worth. Worth might be conveyed through how the child is held, cared for, talked to, and/or the ways caretaker respond to overall emotional expression. Ideally, children get the message that their very existence has value, regardless of what they do. They learn their feelings and beliefs are worthy and valuable.

Unfortunately, not every child grows up in a healthy, nurturing environment. Young boys in particular may fail to receive adequate support in the development of self-esteem, and they may not learn that their feelings are valued or even realized. I find that society today still equates much of a boy’s—or man’s—value to what he does, not how he feels. From a young age, boys are often praised for their achievements. If you listen when parents around you praise their young children, you may often hear young boys being praised for NOT crying, for climbing the jungle gym, for building a large castle, or for walking so well.

Thus, boys may grow up believing it is what they achieve that reflects their value. As they age, they must then continue to achieve in order to demonstrate their value. Competitiveness develops, not as a source of joy, but out of an anxious need to be appreciated and loved.

An urgency to achieve and compete for recognition is inherently a position of low self-esteem. Think of it as having a leak in one’s emotional fuel tank. To keep going, some may find it necessary to “feed” this self-esteem tank with notches on their bedpost or dollars in their bank account. Some individuals keep this up for much of their lives, but secretly, in their own bedrooms or “man-caves,” experience feelings of depression and anxiety that may be exacerbated by a never-ending struggle to secure their self-esteem. Others may use sex, television, or substances in unhealthy ways to numb feelings of emptiness and pain.

Cultivating an Inner World

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life. These effects may contribute to or exacerbate existing feelings of depression and anxiety. Substance abuse, one common distraction from the pain of feeling worthless, may lead to addiction, which can further a downward cycle.

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life.

There is a remedy to low self-esteem, and that is to return to the source within one’s self. While this is not necessarily an easy road, it is a generative and fruitful one. Along the journey, you may discover psychological layers that must be recognized and felt, repeatedly.

These layers may include:

1. Resistance, which can be described as a fear of the unknown, internalized voices saying an individual needs external validation. Resistance can also take the form of doubt.
2. Shame/guilt, or feelings that are remnants of perceived past failures or low self-worth.
3. Emptiness, or a feeling of lack or absence that may appear to be low self-esteem.
4. Grief may be experienced as mourning for the years a person “lost” to running around urgently trying to prove their worth. Some men may also grieve the feelings they felt unable to express in childhood.

Approaching the above layers requires guidance, practice, and trust. It is not necessarily a linear process. Psychotherapy is recommended, as therapy is a practice designed to map out and make contact with these layers of the psyche in order to find an inner source of high self-esteem.

Men in particular may be less accustomed to going inside themselves and remaining in the unknown long enough for change to happen. I believe therapy is a worthy pursuit and that it provides a clear path toward healing many of the emotional and mental health challenges faced by men today.

Reference:

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2013, December 3). Understanding the link between low self-esteem and depression. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(6), 455-460. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0963721413492763

No matter how comfortable you may be with your sexuality, the idea of sex therapy can be intimidating. Many of the people I work with in sex therapy struggle with sexual functioning or desire, issues that often come loaded with complicated emotions such as anxiety. These things can be difficult to talk about, let alone try to do something about—even when it is understood that the person you’ve enlisted to help you is a compassionate and nonjudgmental professional.

For men in particular, socialization related to sexuality can add to these complexities. Although not uncommon, the experiences of premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction can bring deep feelings of shame—even in committed relationships with partners who are understanding and patient. Many men are socialized to believe sex should be easily enjoyable and they should always be in control. When it doesn’t work out this way, some may feel intensely inadequate or weak. Men in these situations may question their worth as partners and even as human beings. If a partner isn’t understanding or patient, these feelings can be amplified.

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As a sex therapist, I am trained in specific techniques that men can utilize to resolve a variety of sexual concerns. However, these techniques are often insufficient in addressing premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Given the complexity of these issues, holistic sex therapy can play an important role.

It’s natural to seek out strategies that focus on physical functioning—the most obvious symptoms of sexual issues—but sex is more complicated than that. There are thoughts, narratives, emotions, and processes associated with the act of sex. These elements can greatly affect desire and pleasure. They can also impact bodily control and responses.

Sensory issues must also be addressed. The body tells its own story. Sometimes this story matches up well with the mind’s story about a problem, other times not so much. In these situations, people can benefit from learning about the activation cycles of their bodies—knowledge they can then incorporate into their sex lives.

It’s natural to seek out strategies that focus on physical functioning—the most obvious symptoms of sexual issues—but sex is more complicated than that. There are thoughts, narratives, emotions, and processes associated with the act of sex.

Holistic sex therapy is also about identifying cultural and social narratives surrounding sex. Not only can this exploration help people understand some of the roots of what they experience, it can also help them learn about ways their sexuality has been impacted, and how their bodies respond to these ingrained stories. Through sharing and understanding, validation can lead to healing and growth. It can also lead to sexual confidence that reflects acceptance of these influences while also challenging them.

Religion and spirituality can also play a role. These two elements can be related, of course, but they can also be very different. In fact, they can even contradict each other. Certain forces of religion, when deeply embedded, can overtake a person’s ability to sexually express themselves. Meanwhile, spiritual meaning can be difficult to ascertain.

In holistic sex therapy, self-esteem work is also relevant. When people recognize the barriers that are leading to their sexual issues, they may have to rediscover what they value about themselves.

Certainly, relationship issues can be a factor as well. Many men masturbate with no problems but struggle with sexual function with partners. Sometimes, this can be related to feelings about partners and their expectations, which may or may not be based in reality. When men unpack this in therapy, they’re typically better able to see what’s getting in the way of arousal, control, and desire.

Sound like a lot? Well, that’s because it can be. Sex can be complex, especially when you delve beyond the presenting physical issues and explore emotions and cultural influences. It’s rarely just one thing. Although many people tend to think of sex as primarily a physical act, there’s a lot more to it. Therapy that doesn’t explore these often hidden aspects does a disservice to the people who seek it.

Thanks for your honest letter. This is not at all unusual, what you’re going through, for men especially. In a way, it means you’re growing up and are now ready for some honest-to-goodness soul searching. (Which may have prompted you to write.)

Carl Jung once said it’s only when a person gets a glimpse of their mortality, often in middle age, that therapy begins. We lose some of our youthful illusions, and time becomes more precious.

If I could rephrase your question, it would be, “What really matters to me? And what does sex mean to me? It used to be super exciting but it no longer does the trick, and that’s frightening. Now what?” Some men do find this happening in their mid-40s, though there’s a good chance what is happening is at least as psychologically rooted as it is physiological. Maybe you need something more fulfilling for yourself, out of life, and out of relationships.

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First, the practical. Many men in their mid- to late 40s begin experiencing bodily changes in which the vitality of youth ebbs somewhat; we may need more sleep, experience more aches and pains, dwell a little longer in the depression or anxiety that’s dogged us for years, and so forth. Our devil-may-care resilience loses some of its bounce, and that’s hardly fun for anyone—especially men, many of whom identify strongly with their potency, sexually and otherwise.

You may be experiencing some shame along with fear if you have a history of feeling “not enough.” Many men who turn to sex for emotional self-sustaining often struggle, sometimes unconsciously, with shame and self-doubt. It’s as if our bodies and genitals are rebelling or walking out on the job, and we’re a little ashamed of what’s become so important for us, what we think we need but shouldn’t (pornography, for example).

So, first know you are not alone; much of this is normal for creeping middle age. You may want to get a physical (if you haven’t already) to make sure it’s not a medical issue. In fact, that would be the first thing I’d do, just to be safe. You allude to some erectile dysfunction, which, while not unusual for men your age, is something a medical professional may be able to help with.

I once read an interview with a psychologist who treated men for erectile challenges. She said, “Penises tell us a lot about what their owners are feeling.” Perhaps some of your recent life experience is deflating, in more ways than one; as someone who treats addictions, I can tell you that people often become anxious when repetitive behaviors are no longer the exciting or dynamic outlet they used to be. In a way, this is a sign of maturity, but it can bring anxiety with it.

I once read an interview with a psychologist who treated men for erectile challenges. She said, “Penises tell us a lot about what their owners are feeling.” Perhaps some of your recent life experience is deflating, in more ways than one; as someone who treats addictions, I can tell you that people often become anxious when repetitive behaviors are no longer the exciting or dynamic outlet they used to be. In a way, this is a sign of maturity, but it can bring anxiety with it.

What’s most telling for me—and, granted, I don’t have a whole of background to go on—is that you mention sex but not a partner. The focus, in other words, is on the literal, not the emotional or relationship transactions (love, closeness, trust) that accompany sex. I have always found that sex and attachment (and sex as attachment) to others are interconnected.

Sex, like any interpersonal transaction, never happens in a vacuum. Even men who “love ’em and leave ’em” typically are operating out of strong feelings and fears regarding intimacy; perhaps they fear or are ashamed they want it too much, so they dodge it via flings or porn and such. It may sound strange, but some of the men I help have fallen in love with prostitutes or strippers in ways that, from a distance, may seem delusional. (I am not suggesting this is your issue, mind you, though there are parallels with looking at porn.) What I realized is that they were ashamed of their desires for sex, and their own vulnerable emotional needs, because of how safe it felt attaching to someone who “got” their desires (with a built-in distance that ensured safety). In other words, they were “acting out” their desires without looking closer or exploring them in greater depth, perhaps in therapy or a support group.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say your main challenge here may lie in a kind of loneliness at a gut or soul level that is elusive or out of your awareness. It’s a catch-22 for some men; desire for closer relatedness is shameful (not “masculine”), so it gets channeled into sexuality, which is fun and safe due to emotional distance (which porn provides), which is unsatisfying in the long run, leading right back to square one: isolation, shame, and maybe even heartbreak.

We can “decode” our sexuality in a way that helps explain how we connect with others, even friends and family. The man who insists on being on top or on the bottom in bed may take an overly aggressive (or passive) role in all his relationships (or be passive in bed and dominant in the boardroom). The trick of sex is that it’s a pleasurable respite and the height of intimacy.

Graham Greene, one of my favorite novelists, once mentioned in an interview his belief that as men get older, they get more interested in companionship and less in “exciting” sex. The closeness and trust between partners is what’s exciting, not so much the novelty or the literal physical activity. Not that there’s anything at all wrong with the latter. It’s just that we need to be careful not to put all our psychological eggs in one basket; what is “hot” to us starts to shift as we get older and mature, as the emotional side of relationships gain in importance and we start to think about who we might want to have at our side over the longer haul, the end of which—sometimes startlingly—isn’t as far away as it was.

You may want to talk to other men who are going through this; a therapy support group or individual counseling or even online support can be helpful in opening up options, understanding, and recognizing that you’re having a very human experience that we all, in one way or another, must at some point negotiate.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

As a psychotherapist who helps a lot of middle-aged men, I have learned that, as with so many pop psychology clichés, there is much more to the male “midlife crisis” than meets the eye. The problems and challenges that crop up in middle age are less about outside circumstances, which we can’t control, and more about one’s psychology and perspective. In the paragraphs that follow, we’ll discuss (1) how this so-called crisis is really an intensified version of an issue that’s always present, (2) why that is, and (3) what can be done about it.

We are familiar with the pop culture-inspired image of the middle-aged man who suddenly feels “old,” his youthfulness scarily draining away, which leads to a reckless fling or pursuit of a younger woman, often with disastrous results. Think of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty lusting after his teenage daughter’s friend; two grown men behaving like the erratic college roomies they once were in Sideways; or Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (note how well that worked out!).

Whatever your moral view, these dramatized antics often strike a chord with audiences. Why is that?

The issue isn’t so much moral as one of perception. It calls for deeper understanding of one’s own inner world, and of one’s own vulnerability.

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In middle age, many men find, perhaps for the first time, that mortality becomes real, physical, in a way that can’t be denied. But that mortality, our human vulnerability, is always present, whether we are conscious of it or not.

One of the great privileges of youth is denial of that limitation, an embrace of invincibility, a vital rebuke to the idea of aging and death. Life is finite. This implies not only our own eventual demise, which scares us, but also the demise of those closest to us (also scary). We all have to live with a ticking clock, which is both a curse and a blessing; I’ll explain why later. At a certain point, the clock can no longer be ignored.

I’m thinking of some of the men in therapy with me who are creeping up on middle age and noticing their bodies don’t quite have the same resilience; no more boxing, no more marathons. Such activities had lent an aura of invincibility that won’t be coming back. Suddenly, eight hours of sleep seems very important, and the mind isn’t quite the steel trap it used to be. Viagra and Cialis are given a look, and body parts that weren’t even on the radar begin to ache. (As I write this, my lower back is sorer than it used to be.) That ticking clock makes its presence known, in ways both subtle and obvious.

It was always there, of course, but we tend to deny it—which is not to say we ought to obsess or brood over it like Woody Allen in Hannah and Her Sisters, where he says, “Do you realize what a thread we’re hanging by?” But sooner or later, deal with it we must; our aches and pains and other signs of compromised endurance serve as uncomfortable reminders that time is a kind of currency, and none of us has unlimited amounts to spend. We must, at some time or another, consider how we really want to be spending it.

Sometimes, other unexpected losses occurring in middle age can be uneasy reminders of that existential clock: we may lose a high school friend or a parent; we might experience new medical issues; we find ourselves unhappy with our work or career; or perhaps longstanding relationship issues become more challenging. Knowing we’re mortal intellectually is very different from sensing it in our very bones.

These and other encounters with mortality are indicators of what psychoanalyst and philosopher Robert Stolorow (2007) calls “finitude,” the concept that to be human means accepting the finiteness of time and human limitations, including the big kahuna of mortality itself. These reminders can themselves be “triggers” for those who experienced trauma earlier in life. Psychologists sometimes call this “emotional linkage.”

Can’t we just have a fling or watch some porn or take a pill?

I think this is why therapy can seem so frightening. In therapy people face their vulnerabilities—and that can mean acknowledging that clock, which even therapists are sometimes reluctant to recognize. (Those of us in helping professions who duck the issue, who don’t face it in some basic way, are doing ourselves and the people we work with a disservice.)

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

One thing that surprises many men who come to see me is that the limitations and finiteness they are encountering in a newly anxious way have, as noted earlier, been there all along. The loss of the ability to box, run, work, work out, and have sex with the same vigor and stamina may be subtle, if potent, reminders of times in the past when one felt overwhelmingly weak or defenseless in the face of unbearable pain. Perhaps abuse or abandonment occurred and equally intense self-protections were needed, ways of building the person back up again. The original trauma may have necessarily been forgotten for the sake of survival, but here are those feelings and memories again, with their same implications of shameful “weakness” and vulnerability. Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty.

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited. The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. (Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, provided it’s not the only means of enjoying life.) If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world.

When we can at least take a stab at accepting our humanness, when we can live in abundance and in the present moment no matter our circumstances, then our world can open up to us in unexpected ways. Human connection becomes more valuable, and authenticity and emotional truth become something to strive for rather than fear or dread. As we come to accept that, as men, it’s OK to need support and love from others in facing what is frightening, we can better help and support others in their own times of grief and loss.

Of course, facing our humanness can be very difficult and messy, and often prompts the raising of hairy questions such as, “Am I happy in my work? At home? How do I deal with aging parents and their impending loss? Is it time to forgive and forget? What do I really care about? Will the ‘real me’ please stand up?”

This is not to say, by the way, that physical activity or outside “stuff” doesn’t matter. (I would not turn down a free sports car.) It’s just that so many men who come to me for help have put all of their psychological eggs in that particular basket. When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. (Carl Jung, for one, felt that therapy truly began in middle age.)

So many who begin working at this—via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means—discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. There is as much beauty in the human soul as in the natural world, if not more so. Some tender scrubbing at a tarnished heart often reveals a priceless gem. Hard to believe? Why not try it?

It’s not the fears and hidden demons that can hurt us, it’s the persistent avoidance of them that gets us into trouble.

There’s no shame in asking for help (from a therapist, religious or spiritual adviser, trusted friend, even a family member). The practice of gazing, with assistance if need be, into our own psychic mirrors in the end helps us enjoy even more the joys of exercise, food, drink, sex, and embodied aliveness.

Water is most valued when the well runs dry, as the old saying goes. I believe we are meant to enjoy our pleasurable sensory experiences, but not as a total escape from our all-too-human situation. We are all in the same boat with this than most of us ever realize.

Reference:

Stolorow, R. D. (2007). Trauma and human existence. New York: The Analytic Press.

Parenting is a strange deal. It’s one role in life where there is a strong blueprint—we were all children once, and someone got us through those years—but there’s no easing in to it.

In the early days of any new job I’ve had, I’d wear that “training” badge for as long as I could. I’ve always been able to defer to someone above me who had the ultimate responsibility. When I was in retail, there was a manager. As an actor, there was a director. As a young social worker, there was always a supervisor.

A dad can’t say the same about a grandparent. The ultimate responsibility is yours. Even if you’ve been babysitting for years, even if you are the most involved uncle in the world, there is nothing that really prepares you for …

“Waaaaaahhhhh!!!”

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Read all the books (and blog posts) you want. One’s experience of fatherhood is going to be unique. It has to be, because we all are.

Deciding what kind of father you want to be is important and laughable at the same time. Laughable because the days, weeks, and years are unpredictable. Having a co-parent may make it easier, but it also introduces the unpredictability of another person.

The important part is that you want your parenting to be as intentional as possible.

Natural Parenting May Be Anything but Natural

Our main teacher(s) for this amazing, strange role is the person or people who parented us.

We may think they did an awesome job or a horrendous one, but most likely it was somewhere in between. They were like you in many ways. They were faced with a role they were not trained for, and they did what they felt was best. If you don’t give any thought to evaluating that parenting, and really looking at how you were parented, you’re likely to do one of two things:

1. Repeat it
2. Do the exact opposite

Either way, you’re not parenting how you want to; you’re going on what you think is “instinctual,” but it’s either defaulted toward or against your parents. Either way, it’s not you who’s doing the parenting.

You are not your parent(s), and your child—take a breath, as this is hard to hear for some dads—is not you.

Parenting Roles Compounded

I’ve heard it said that no two siblings have the same parents. People not only parent differently because of who they are, they do so depending on circumstances and environment. For example, people who were parents in January 2001 were very different parents in January 2002. Where we are with regard to our relationships, our careers, our confidence levels, and the amount of support we have will influence how we parent, just like it influences everything else.

But what kind of father do you want to be to your kids? Are you going to be able to show them that men can be emotional? That men don’t have all the answers all the time and they can’t fix everything?

This isn’t a bad thing. It just is. And it needs to be thought about.

That’s what I mean by intentional parenting.

Many dads co-parenting in the 21st century have noticed their roles shift dramatically from what they observed their fathers doing. More is expected in some ways, and that can be a challenge—especially for men who expected that their roles would be more traditional. It’s not necessarily that everyone is learning new roles outside of tradition; it’s often that their roles are traditional plus.

Many fathers receive the message that they need to make a salary and feed, bathe, and change the baby. (We of course hear this about women, too, as they are often asked to do all they do as mothers and work full time.)

It’s not getting easier for anyone.

It Starts with Knowing Yourself

Intentional parenting can occur before you have the baby as well as after, and it’s ongoing. Some of this seems like common sense. You are probably aware that you’re going to be negotiating many of these roles, especially if you have a partner. You’re constantly figuring out who’s picking up who, when, and where, for example.

But what kind of father do you want to be to your kids? Are you going to be able to show them that men can be emotional? That men don’t have all the answers all the time and they can’t fix everything? Many people grew up with a father who represented the other side of all of that. Many had a remote father who would come in to “save the day” when mom supposedly got “too emotional.”

There are a lot of little and big decisions you’re going to be making every day. Why not have an intention set before embarking on this journey? It may take exorcising some ideas of what a man is and what a father should be. How connected are you to some of the more vulnerable emotions?

Many people have a child and then realize all the stuff they thought they figured out is still there. That’s fine. The important thing is that they are aware enough of their stuff that they realize when it’s getting in the way of being the father they want to be.

Have you decided on the father you intend to become?

The notion that women are more emotional—and therefore less rational—than men can be found everywhere from self-help books to Internet message boards. Women’s supposed lack of rationality has been used to justify various forms of discrimination, and even to claim that women are less intelligent than men. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin argues not only that women are just as rational as men, but also that there is not a clear dichotomy between emotion and rationality.

Rationality Similar in Men and Women

Researchers presented 6,100 men and women with moral decisions about topics such as lying, abortion, murder, animal research, and torture. For example, one moral dilemma required participants to determine whether it would be acceptable to kill Adolf Hitler to save millions of lives, even if doing so meant killing him before he did anything wrong. Another questioned whether a police officer should be able to torture an alleged bomber to find explosives that could take many lives.

Study results demonstrate that both men and women assessed how various decisions might harm others, engaging in similar levels of rational analysis for each moral conundrum.

Women, Empathy, and Rationality

Historically, empathy and emotion have been treated as the antipode of reason and rationality. The study calls this into question. Researchers found that women displayed more empathy than men, and were more likely to have a “gut-level” negative reaction to harming others. For instance, a woman who agreed it was acceptable to kill Hitler might still feel upset about doing so. [fat_widget_right]

The researchers say their findings are consistent with previous research, which suggest that gender differences in cognitive abilities are either nonexistent or very small. They argue that their results show that emotion does not necessarily preclude rationality. Instead, it’s possible to experience empathy while also behaving rationally.

References:

Women think ‘as rationally’ as men – but also use more gut feeling. (2015, April 8). Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/292019.php