I have anxiety, chronic depression, and excoriation disorder – I’m also a master’s level psychotherapist with my own private practice.

My life story and diagnosed mental disorders contradict the general public’s idea that a psychotherapist is some sort of “Buddha-like creature” that has mastered the art of suffering while also helping others through their pain.

I think one of the most beautifully difficult things about being a therapist with mental illness is that I haven’t mastered my own mental health. Yet, I’m still able to help others through their suffering. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully overcome the disorders and struggles I’ve been given, but I’ve learned how to use my own pain and trauma to help my clients through theirs.  

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Coping Skills: How to Develop Them for Your Daily Life

It Can Be a Long Road 

The amount of pain, energy, time, and money involved in mental illness and its treatment can be incredibly overwhelming. I’ve been in individual therapy since the age of 13, received inpatient psychiatric treatment at the age of 19, and I’ve tried over ten different medications for depression.

Two years ago, I attended a ten-week-long self-compassion course in hopes that I’ll stop trash-talking myself 24/7.

I’ve undergone countless blood tests and a sleep study to try and address my chronic fatigue.

At 25, I attended group therapy in addition to my individual therapy to help me learn just how powerful relationships can be in terms of triggering my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy due to my anxious attachment style.

Just recently, I completed eight weeks of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) for both anxiety and medication-resistant depression.

I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on skin care products and scar gels to try and erase the fact that my entire body is covered in scars from over a decade of compulsive skin-picking.  

 My Experiences Help My Clients

When I read the above paragraph, I feel a sense of profound sadness and grief from what I’ve endured, but my difficult experiences have made me a better therapist.

Because of my anxiety, I know that sometimes, no matter how much cognitive challenging and deep breathing I do, I still could respond from a place of pure panic and make the situation worse.

Because of my depression, I understand how you can feel so unwanted and repulsive that you want to die, and no amount of uplifting words from others can take that pain away.

I’m able to recognize that replacement behaviors or distractions for compulsive behaviors oftentimes don’t even make a dent, so we have to brainstorm quite a repertoire of potential interventions. When clients ask me for answers, begging for ways to end their pain, I simply sit with them because sometimes sitting with them is all you can do. 

I realize that what worked, or didn’t work, for me and my mental health is not applicable for everyone. I draw from my own hardships because it helps me makes sense of the things I continue to experience on a daily basis despite my many years of pursuing healing.

I think the most profound thing I’ve learned as a therapist with mental illness is that sometimes we get so caught up in our ultimate goal of being healed that it actually stops us from healing. There is a romanticized idea of healing that is portrayed as someone constantly being at peace or no longer feeling intense pain, but that’s not what healing is.

Healing is a lifelong process that takes consistent time, effort, and courage because we will never be free from suffering in this life, but we can also find comfort in knowing we are never truly alone in our pain. We can learn to still experience joy, freedom, love, and all of the wonderful things in life while acknowledging that moments of suffering are inevitable.  

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: When Is It Time to Find a Therapist?

Take Care of Yourself While Caring for Others 

Being a psychotherapist is a difficult career that requires a lot of self-awareness and self-care. Not all therapists have mental illness or trauma, but we all experience pain and feelings of inadequacy, and making sure we take proper care of ourselves is one of the most important parts of our job.

The concepts of self-awareness and self-care as a therapist become even more vital when you have your own disorders or difficult life circumstances going on. My countertransference is often very strong in sessions because of my past experiences, but I’ve learned to use it as a therapeutic tool that allows me to stay empathically attuned to my clients.

I’m also aware that I have to be careful and take time to process my countertransference with the help of ongoing supervision and personal therapy to make sure my own emotions aren’t negatively influencing my practice. It’s about finding a balance between using our experiences as a point of reference, but not becoming blinded or consumed by them. 

If you’re a therapist with mental illness, I see you and I understand you. If you’re a therapist with no mental illness, but you’re stressed out of your mind and feel inadequate, I see you too. Life is hard and we picked a hard job to go along with it – there’s a lot of power in being open about this and our common humanity.

We can use our pain to help us become better clinicians only if we take the time to address it and care for it. You can’t expect your clients to trek and wade through the depths of their suffering if you haven’t done it yourself. No matter what your story is, take the time to explore it. It has the power to become your strongest asset as a clinician. 

Things Aren’t That Bad: 5 Reasons People Give to Avoid Getting Professional Help

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults experience mental illness, but not all of them seek out professional help. In fact, nearly 60% of adults with mental illness do not seek mental health help. With a seemingly endless list of consequences, not getting help for mental illness can result in increased dependency on substances, increased risk of suicide, disruptions in your everyday life, and much more. Even though it is dangerous to avoid getting professional help, many adults still do. Below are five common excuses for avoiding therapy… and reasons to push past them. 

Common Excuses to Avoid Therapy

#1: “Things Aren’t as Bad as They Seem.”

Even if you’re dealing with a myriad of mental health-related issues, it’s very common for you to tell yourself and others that things are really not that bad. This excuse is often used when other individuals in your life point out differences in your behavior or notice you are going through a difficult time. Even though you are showing noticeable changes in your normal self, saying things are not as bad as they seem is an excuse that seeks to diminish those concerns. But this excuse suggests a “tough it out” attitude about mental health issues, which often doesn’t lead you out of those issues, but merely allows them to persist. You don’t have to suffer alone. 

#2: “Therapy Is Too Expensive.”

A common concern and excuse for avoiding professional help is the cost of therapy. Yes, therapy can be expensive, but not always. Depending on several cost factors, insurance may make it more affordable than you realize. Some therapists offer sliding scale rates, meaning that they have room in their practice for clients who need discounted rates. There may also be affordable and accessible mental health services in your area, just waiting to be explored. 

#3: “I Don’t Need Therapy.”

Sometimes we view professional help as a luxury or something that should only be used by people who suffer from seemingly “worse” mental health conditions than whatever we’re dealing with. The truth is, most mental health issues that adults experience are not considered severe at first, but they can become dangerous if left unattended. For example, mild depression or anxiety, left to fester, can grow into major depressive disorder. Seeking professional help can help you get your symptoms under control before they become overwhelming or dangerous. 

It’s important to note as well that constantly living in state of stress, depression, or anxiety can actually do a lot of harm to your everyday life. You don’t have to “hit rock bottom” for your struggle to be worthy of attention and care. You matter, your quality of life matters, and pursuing your own mental health is worthy no matter how things are going.

Keep in mind the ripple effects of learning better coping mechanisms, healthier ways of interacting, a strong self-image, and direction in personal growth over time. Learning to fight better with your partner, replacing your negative self-image with a positive one, or recovering from childhood trauma are treasures that you will take into every day for the rest of your life.

#4: “I Don’t Know Where to Start.”

If you don’t know where to start in seeking professional help, there are two great places to go. If you have an insurance carrier, you should start by calling them. The number of your insurance provider can usually be found on the back of your insurance card. You can learn more about your coverage for services and receive recommendations about covered professional help in your area directly from them. The second option is to look at an online directory of therapists. Here, you can find a list of therapists in your area who are ready to help.

#5: “I’m Too Busy.”

We all know that life can get busy, and it can seem like we do not have time to spare. This can feel especially true when we’re considering something we do not really feel excited about. But making time to get professional help is worth it. With the support of a therapist, you can learn to manage your mental illness, pursue personal growth in a way that frees you to be your best self, and let go of things that just aren’t serving you. There is always time for that. 

It Is Time to Get Professional Help 

No matter your situation, if you’re struggling with your mental health, you should seek professional help. To learn more about a therapist in your area who is ready to help you, click here.

Mother’s Day is observed on the second Sunday in May. Greeting card stores and flower shops go to great lengths to remind customers that many people have, or have had, mothers to celebrate. This is a time to send tokens of gratitude to self-sacrificing moms or to honor those who have passed. It’s the one day a year set aside specifically to cherish the mothers who nurtured us, provided for us, taught us, and played with us.

But what about the mothers who don’t have, or never had, much to give?

Children (including adult children) who were raised or abandoned by mothers with mental health issues may have mixed or negative sentiments. They may remember being embarrassed by their mother’s inappropriate behavior in public or around friends. They may wince at painful memories of their mom self-medicating her psychiatric symptoms with drugs or alcohol. They may have tried to forget Mommy Dearest hiding her bizarre thoughts or behaviors behind a cult affiliation or an extreme religious organization. Their mother may have ended up on the streets or spent time in a correctional facility. No matter how the mental health issues played out, her children paid a price.

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As a therapist, I hear many stories from people who survived difficult childhoods. Many had the misfortune of being born to mothers with chronic depression, personality disorders, or unrelenting anxiety. Children whose mothers had schizophrenia, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, or other diagnoses may remember caring for their mothers rather than the other way around. Adult children who experienced the chaos of an emotionally imbalanced mother often fear they will inherit the condition or act in harmful ways with their own children. Being afraid of becoming one’s mother is the antithesis of what many people celebrate in May.

If you spent part or all of your childhood with a mother who struggled with psychological issues, you’re not alone. Be compassionate toward yourself.

The wounds left by a mother with a personality condition such as narcissism or borderline personality may heal slowly. Even after adults have worked hard to individuate from a toxic mother, they may encounter triggers that bring back difficult emotions.

Sadness

Adult children whose mother had a psychiatric issue often feel sad and may grieve the loss of a nurturing, emotionally safe childhood.

Adult children who experienced the chaos of an emotionally imbalanced mother often fear they will inherit the condition or act in harmful ways with their own children. Being afraid of becoming one’s mother is the antithesis of what many people celebrate in May.

Anger

When someone has been deprived of a caring, attentive mother and they see other families where the mom is connected and engaged with her children, anger can surface.

Fear

Parents who survived a poor relationship with their mother may fear they will not find positive ways to express love to their own kids.

Judgment

When a child has been repeatedly hurt by a mother who was preoccupied with her own mental state, they may carry grudges and resentments for years.

Longing

All humans are born with the need to be loved, nurtured, and protected. If a child’s needs went unmet, they may carry a deep longing to be unconditionally loved and cared for.

Protection

Children who repeatedly experience the fallout of a mother’s breakdown (she went off her medication, self-medicated with drugs, attempted suicide, disappeared for days or weeks, didn’t get out of bed, was physically abusive, was hospitalized, etc.) develop ways to protect themselves. In adulthood, these emotional protections are often interpreted by partners as isolating or distancing.

What to Do If Mother’s Day Is Difficult

If you’re struggling with how to celebrate a less-than-perfect mom this Mother’s Day, here are some tips:

1. Remember you did the best you could in an exceptionally difficult environment (and believe it or not, so did your mother).
2. Celebrate the courage and self-esteem you managed to develop even though your mother was unreliable in her nurturance and maternal affection.
3. Applaud the caring “mom” you have developed within you. Treat yourself like a loving parent would, with praise, loving guidance, and a lot of humor. Your inner child will thank you.
4. Give a gift of gratitude to someone else who provided loving acceptance and guidance to you as a child or teen.
5. If you decide to contact your mother, do, say, or write only what is comfortable for you, and only what you can do without feeling resentment.
6. Forgive yourself for anything you may be holding over yourself. Drop any “shoulds,” “ought-tos,” or “could-haves”—they won’t help anything. Remember you’re doing the best you know how to do. Every day is a chance to learn.
7. Look into meeting with a therapist who can help you work through difficult memories and experiences.

If you had a childhood that was devoid of a stable, caring mother, celebrate your strength and commitment to your own serenity and well-being. No one can take away your self-acceptance. No one knows you better than you. No one can compliment you better than the positive things you say to yourself. If no one else, celebrate you!