A chronic pain cycle can begin when real physical pain interrupts daily life, then slowly shapes how a person thinks, feels, moves, rests, and connects with others. Pain rarely stays only in the body; over time, it can become part of an emotional and behavioral pattern that deserves compassionate support.
Chronic pain cycle Pain management Mind-body connection Therapy support
Key insight: The chronic pain cycle does not mean pain is imagined. It describes how physical pain, nervous-system sensitivity, fear, avoidance, grief, and stress can influence one another over time.
In his counseling work, Bryan Van Vranken, MA, MBA, RMHCI, often meets people living with chronic pain after surgery, injury, cancer treatment, nerve-related conditions, repeated physical strain, or years of medically complex symptoms. Each story is different. Still, many people describe a similar pattern: pain interrupts life, distress grows around the pain, and the distress begins to make daily life feel smaller.
What the Chronic Pain Cycle Looks Like
The chronic pain cycle often begins with pain that makes ordinary tasks unpredictable. A person may wonder, “Will this get worse?” or “What if I cannot do what I used to do?” Those questions are understandable. Pain can affect work, sleep, relationships, movement, independence, and identity.
From there, many people start pulling back. They may avoid certain movements, activities, errands, social plans, or responsibilities. Sometimes avoidance is protective and wise. Other times, it grows because pain feels uncertain, overwhelming, or difficult to explain to others.
Over time, reduced activity can bring loss. Someone may grieve the life they had before pain, the version of themselves that felt more capable, or the ease they once had in their body. That grief can add emotional weight. The emotional weight can increase tension, worry, and isolation, which may make the experience of pain feel even harder to carry.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t I just get over this?” try, “What is my body protecting me from, and what kind of support would help me respond with more steadiness?”
The Emotional Side of Chronic Pain
The emotional side of chronic pain often goes unspoken. Some people feel frustrated because their body no longer responds the way it used to. Others feel isolated because friends, family, coworkers, or clinicians may not fully understand what they are living with. Some carry constant worry about making symptoms worse.
There can also be grief. Grief for lost routines. Grief for independence. Grief for hobbies, work roles, intimacy, sleep, or simple activities that once felt automatic. These reactions are deeply human, not signs of weakness.
According to a 2024 CDC National Center for Health Statistics data brief, 24.3 percent of U.S. adults reported chronic pain in 2023, and 8.5 percent reported high-impact chronic pain that frequently limited life or work activities. Chronic pain is common, but the loneliness around it can still feel intensely personal.
Support is allowed
If pain is affecting your mood, relationships, sleep, or sense of self, a therapist can help you work with the emotional layer without dismissing the physical one. You can search GoodTherapy for a therapist who fits your needs.
How Therapy Can Help the Chronic Pain Cycle
Therapy does not replace medical care, and it does not promise to eliminate pain. Its role is different. Therapy can help reduce the added layer of suffering that builds around pain: fear, shame, isolation, hopelessness, all-or-nothing thinking, and the feeling that life has narrowed to symptoms alone.
In therapy, people often begin by understanding their own chronic pain cycle. From there, they may practice small, realistic shifts that support long-term well-being.
Therapy focus
How it may help
Thought patterns
Notice and gently question thoughts that increase fear, helplessness, or self-blame.
Movement fear
Reduce avoidance in gradual, supported ways that respect medical limits.
Meaningful activities
Reintroduce valued routines at a manageable pace instead of waiting for a perfect pain-free day.
Flare-up planning
Build coping tools for difficult days so setbacks feel less frightening and isolating.
Nervous-system support
Practice calming skills, pacing, mindfulness, or values-based choices that help the body feel less constantly on alert.
Small Shifts That Can Make Pain Feel Less All-Consuming
Meaningful change is rarely immediate or perfectly linear. Still, small shifts can matter. Some people begin to feel less controlled by pain when they rebuild a sense of choice in the day. Others reconnect with activities they had avoided, even in modified ways. The pain may still be present, but it no longer defines every moment.
Try this now: the one-step pacing check
Choose one activity that matters but feels hard right now.
Name the smallest version that would still count.
Decide what support, rest, or modification would make it more realistic.
Afterward, note what helped, what hurt, and what you would adjust next time.
A helpful question is not always, “Why is this happening to me?” That question is understandable, but it can keep a person circling the same painful place. Another question may create more room: “How can I respond to this in a way that supports me?”
This is not passive acceptance. It is a flexible, compassionate response that can make space for engagement, connection, and meaning alongside the reality of pain.
Frequently Asked Questions
Common questions about the chronic pain cycle, emotions, and therapy support.
Q: What is the chronic pain cycle? +
A: The chronic pain cycle describes how pain, distress, avoidance, reduced activity, difficult emotions, and nervous-system sensitivity can reinforce one another over time. It is a way to understand patterns, not a judgment about the person experiencing pain.
Q: Does therapy mean chronic pain is all in my head? +
A: No. Therapy for chronic pain does not mean the pain is imaginary. It can help with the thoughts, emotions, behaviors, relationships, and stress responses that often develop around real physical pain.
Q: Can emotions make chronic pain worse? +
A: Emotions can influence the experience of pain by affecting stress, muscle tension, attention, sleep, coping, and activity patterns. This does not make the pain less real; it reflects how closely connected the body and mind are.
Q: What kind of therapy can help with chronic pain? +
A: Approaches may include cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness-based work, person-centered therapy, pain psychology, or trauma-informed support. The right fit depends on the person, the condition, and the goals of care.
Q: When should I seek support for chronic pain? +
A: Consider support when pain is affecting mood, relationships, sleep, movement, work, identity, or hope. A therapist can work alongside medical care to help you cope with the emotional and daily-life impact of pain.
You do not have to carry chronic pain alone
Therapy can help you understand the chronic pain cycle, reduce emotional distress, and rebuild steadier ways to move through daily life.
MA, MBA, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern in St. Petersburg, Florida
Bryan Van Vranken works with adults navigating chronic pain and illness, anxiety, depression, life transitions, stress, and injury recovery. His approach integrates person-centered therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, and practical coping strategies.
Self-kindness and emotional well-being are closely linked. Many of us seek emotional relief when life feels heavy, whether it is anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, or tension in relationships. Often, we look for solutions in the outside world: changing situations, fixing problems, or hoping others will respond differently. Yet one of the most important factors for emotional balance is the relationship you have with yourself.
Self-kindness Emotional well-being Inner critic Fall Into Self-careÂ
From my experience, two patterns often keep people from feeling better: treating themselves harshly and overlooking the inner strengths they already possess. Noticing these habits, and learning to shift them, can have a powerful impact on how you experience life and how resilient you feel when facing challenges. When you practice self-kindness and emotional well-being together, you create space for healing from the inside out.
Shift the lens
Your thoughts and beliefs shape how you feel more than the situation itself.
Soften the critic
A kinder inner voice makes it easier to access resilience and creativity.
Build steady habits
Small daily actions of care slowly rewire how safe you feel inside.
KEY IDEA
You live with your own mind every day. Changing how you relate to yourself can sometimes bring more relief than changing your circumstances.
How Self-Kindness and Emotional Well-Being Shape Your Emotions
We naturally assume our emotions arise directly from external events. Someone criticizes us, and we feel hurt. A traffic jam appears, and we feel frustrated. But emotions do not come straight from the outside world. They emerge from the meaning we assign to events, which is why self-kindness and emotional well-being are so closely connected.Because we can only experience life from within our own bodies and minds, every emotion is filtered through our perceptions, memories, beliefs, and expectations.
Think of it this way: your nervous system and your mind are like the lens through which every experience passes.That lens affects how you feel. For instance, imagine two coworkers receiving the same critical email. One thinks, “I am failing,†and feels anxious. The other thinks, “I can learn from this,†and feels motivated. This shows how perception shapes reality. By adjusting the way you interpret experiences, you can influence your emotional responses and support both self-kindness and emotional well-being.
A simple inner process
Event
What happens outside you
➜
Story
The meaning your mind gives
➜
Emotion
How you feel in your body
Need Help With Strong Emotions?
Take a look at GoodTherapy’s article on 6 steps to managing distressing emotions for practical ways to slow down, name, and work with your emotions instead of fighting them.
Why Being Kind to Yourself Matters for Emotional Well-Being
The way you interpret events is closely linked to how you relate to yourself. Many people are more patient and understanding with friends than they are with themselves. When self-talk is harsh or judgmental, “I should handle this better,†“Why cannot I just get over it?â€, it creates stress, shame, and self-doubt. Harsh self-judgment can narrow your mental focus, decrease motivation, and make it harder to access the inner resources you already have. In other words, it attacks the very person who is trying to help you heal.
On the other hand, treating yourself with patience and support creates a safe inner space. When the mind feels safe, curiosity, insight, and resilience are more available. Researchers who study self-compassion have found that people who respond to themselves with kindness tend to have less anxiety and depression and more stable well-being over time. Self-kindness and emotional well-being move together. Being kind to yourself is not indulgent. It is a foundation for emotional growth and stability.
Studies summarized by Harvard Health and other research groups show that self-compassionate people are often more motivated, not less. They bounce back more quickly from setbacks and are more willing to take responsibility because they know mistakes do not erase their worth.
Self-talk check-in
Harsh self-talk
Kinder alternative
“I always mess things up.â€
“I made a mistake. I can learn from this.â€
“I should be over this by now.â€
“Healing takes time. I am still moving.â€
“Everyone else is handling life better.â€
“I only see a part of their story. I am doing the best I can with mine.â€
Many people believe they lack resilience, adaptability, or emotional strength. In reality, these qualities are often present even when they are not immediately obvious. Self-kindness and emotional well-being become easier to build when you notice what is already working inside you.
Some examples of inner resources include:
The ability to reflect on experiences
Adaptability in new situations
Past successes in coping with difficulties
The willingness to learn from setbacks
Problem-solving skills and creativity
Even in moments of stress, these capacities remain. The challenge is accessing them, and self-kindness helps unlock them. When you soften self-criticism, you make it easier for your nervous system to calm down, which in turn makes reflection and problem solving more available.
If you struggle with a loud inner critic, it may help to read more about how it works. GoodTherapy’s article on taming the inner critic explains why that harsh inner voice shows up and how you can respond to it differently.
Notice your inner resources
Today, which strengths feel most available?
Reflection Adaptability Courage Creativity
6 Practical Ways to Build Self-Kindness and Emotional Well-Being
Here are some strategies to help you nurture your inner relationship and support both self-kindness and emotional well-being.
The self-kindness pathway
1
Notice your inner tone
2
Name the story
3
Offer small support
4
Honor your effort
5
Practice patience
6
Reach for support
1. Listen to Your Inner Tone
When you feel upset or discouraged, pause and notice how you are speaking to yourself internally. Is the tone sharp, dismissive, or demanding? Or is it supportive and understanding?
A helpful guideline is to ask: “How would I speak to someone I care about if they were feeling this way?†Then, intentionally shift your inner voice to match that tone.
This adjustment may seem small, but it has powerful effects. When your internal dialogue feels safe rather than critical, your nervous system relaxes, your thoughts become clearer, and you are more able to access your inner strengths. Over time, this practice strengthens a sense of internal companionship, the feeling that you are on your own side rather than against yourself.
Try This:
Write down a recent self-critical thought. Under it, write what you would say to a close friend in the same situation. Practice saying that kinder version to yourself.
2. Notice the Story Behind the Emotion
When a strong feeling arises, ask: “What belief is fueling this emotion?â€
For example:
Feeling anxious → “I am not capable.â€
Feeling sad → “I am alone or unsupported.â€
Feeling ashamed → “I must be perfect to be accepted.â€
When you recognize these underlying beliefs, you gain the space to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting on autopilot. Reframing your thoughts can help you navigate situations more skillfully and prevent unnecessary complications that often follow impulsive reactions.
You might find it helpful to explore how core beliefs shape your mood and reactions. GoodTherapy’s article on how core beliefs affect mental health offers concrete steps for working with these patterns.
Caring for yourself through everyday actions sends a powerful message to your mind: “You are safe. You are supported.â€
Examples include:
Taking a short break when overwhelmed
Stepping outside for fresh air or movement
Drinking water or having a nourishing snack
Resting when fatigued
Asking for help when necessary
Each small act of self-care builds trust in yourself. Over time, you begin to experience your own presence as safe, steady, and reliable. You learn that you can rely on yourself in difficult moments, making your own companionship a source of stability rather than threat. This growing self-trust strengthens your ability to face challenges and fosters emotional resilience.
If you want to build habits that last, GoodTherapy’s article on creating self-care habits that stick can help you design routines that truly fit your life.
4. Acknowledge Effort, Not Just Outcomes
We often measure our progress by the results we can see. For example, whether symptoms have reduced, whether we react differently yet, or whether relationships have improved. But emotional growth rarely follows a straight line, and progress is often subtle before it becomes visible. If you only value the outcome, you may overlook the meaningful work already happening beneath the surface.
Shift your focus from achievement to process. When you think, “I should be further along by now,†pause and replace it with something like: “I am learning. Growth takes time.†This mindset supports self-kindness and emotional well-being at the same time.
This shift matters because the mind responds to the emphasis we place. If we criticize ourselves for not changing fast enough, the nervous system becomes tense and guarded. But when we acknowledge our sincere effort (even if the change feels small or slow), the mind begins to relax and open. That openness is where insight and change can occur.
For example:
Getting through a difficult morning is effort.
Naming a feeling instead of numbing it is effort.
Taking a deep breath before responding is effort.
Showing up to therapy even when you feel stuck is effort.
These are not small. They are signs of movement. Celebrating effort reinforces patience and builds emotional safety within yourself. You begin to trust that you are trying, that you are showing up for your own growth, and that you deserve compassion while you learn. With this sense of internal support, resilience strengthens naturally.
5. Practice Patience with the Journey
As you learn to acknowledge your effort, patience becomes a natural next step. Emotional growth and self-understanding unfold gradually, often before progress is outwardly noticeable. Just as a plant needs time to root before it visibly grows, your internal shifts require space and consistency.
Patience is not about waiting passively. It is about continuing the work without criticizing yourself for not being “there†yet. Giving yourself time creates the conditions where real lasting change can take shape. This patient stance is one way that self-kindness and emotional well-being support each other every day.
If you would like to see what this looks like in practice, research from groups like Stanford’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education has shown that people who practice self-compassion tend to bounce back more quickly from difficulty and stay engaged with their goals over time.
6. Encourage Growth Alongside Professional Support
Exploring your perceptions and self-relationship can be deeply rewarding but sometimes challenging. Professional guidance, from therapy, counseling, or other supportive environments, can help you safely navigate this process. Therapy provides tools, feedback, and insight, creating a structured space to explore how your mind interprets experiences and how you relate to yourself.
Even small, consistent changes in the way you treat yourself can build over time, like compounding interest. They can lead to substantial and lasting improvements in emotional balance, confidence, and your ability to navigate life’s difficulties. Self-kindness does not replace professional care, but it makes that care more effective.
Thinking About Talking To Someone?
You can use the GoodTherapy directory to find a licensed therapist near you who understands the importance of self-kindness and emotional well-being in the healing process.
Final Thoughts: Choosing a Kinder Relationship With Yourself
Because emotions emerge from your perceptions, the quality of your self-relationship is pivotal. Harsh self-criticism blocks access to resilience, insight, and flexibility. Self-kindness opens the door to these internal resources. Research summaries from places like the Centre for Clinical Interventions and the American Psychiatric Association show that self-compassion can calm threat responses in the brain and support healthier coping.
Strengthening your relationship with yourself does not mean ignoring challenges or avoiding responsibility. It means creating a foundation from which you can observe, reflect, and respond effectively. When self-judgment softens, your mind becomes a supportive partner rather than an obstacle. Self-kindness and emotional well-being grow together on that foundation.
You live with yourself every moment of your life. Strengthening that relationship is essential for emotional health because you are your permanent partner. The relationship with yourself is the most intimate one you will ever experience. By treating yourself with care and patience, noticing the meaning behind your emotions, and acknowledging your inner resources, you lay the groundwork for personal growth.
“Kindness toward yourself is not a luxury. It is the ground on which your emotional life stands.â€
The more you nurture that internal relationship, the more capable you become of creating a meaningful, stable, and fulfilling experience of life, one where self-kindness and emotional well-being support you through whatever comes next.
Self-kindness and emotional well-being often raise questions:
Q: What is the difference between self-kindness and self-indulgence?
A: Self-kindness means responding to your own pain with care, honesty, and respect. It includes setting limits, asking for help, and taking responsibility. Self-indulgence, by contrast, ignores long-term well-being and focuses only on short-term comfort. Researchers who study self-compassion note that it often leads to healthier choices, not avoidance, because you become more willing to face difficult truths when you are not attacking yourself. You can read more about this perspective on self-compassion.org.
Q: Why is it so hard to be kind to myself even when I know it matters?
A: Many people grew up in environments where criticism seemed normal and kindness was rare or conditional. Over time, these messages can become an inner voice that feels “true,†even when it hurts. Stress, trauma, and perfectionism can also make your nervous system more alert to threat, including the threat of “failing.†Learning self-kindness asks you to question that old training. Resources like the Centre for Clinical Interventions self-compassion workbook can offer step-by-step exercises to begin shifting this pattern.
Q: Can self-kindness replace therapy or medication?
A: No. Self-kindness is an important part of emotional health, but it does not replace professional care when that care is needed. If you experience ongoing depression, anxiety, trauma, or other mental health concerns, a therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist can help you create a safe and effective treatment plan. Self-kindness and emotional well-being practices make it easier to follow through on that plan. If you are ready to talk to someone, you can use the GoodTherapy therapist directory to look for support in your area.
Q: How can I start practicing self-kindness and emotional well-being if I feel numb or shut down?
A: When you feel numb, start very small. Focus on simple, concrete actions such as drinking a glass of water, noticing five things you can see in the room, or placing a hand gently over your heart and taking three slow breaths. These steps may seem minor, but they send signals of safety to your nervous system and make it easier to feel again at a pace that is manageable. You might also explore gentle practices like those described in the Harvard Health overview of self-compassion, which highlights how small daily shifts can support long-term emotional well-being.
Let’s be real: tuning into the latest headlines or scrolling your feed during this political moment can feel like a punch to the gut. If you’ve noticed your stress levels rising, your mood dipping, or a persistent knot in your stomach from the political climate, you’re definitely not alone. Across the country, people are grappling with anxiety, worry, and even grief.
Here’s the truth: feeling overwhelmed right now is entirely normal. The nonstop stream of heated debates, policy shifts, and divisive rhetoric can wear on anyone. It can start to feel like it’s shaping your identity, safety, and sense of hope. That’s why it’s so important to create space for resilience, not to ignore what’s happening, but to protect your mental health so it doesn’t spiral under the weight of it all.
This blog is here to do more than just validate your emotions, it’s a resource to empower you, especially if you’re part of an underrepresented group struggling to find resilience amid the noise. Below, you’ll find practical ways to protect your peace, nurture your well-being, and tap into culturally competent GoodTherapy experts who understand exactly where you’re coming from.
Current Events Causing Widespread Political Stress
Trying to keep up with the U.S. political scene right now can feel like running a marathon with no finish line in sight. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, the back-and-forth and the real-world changes behind the headlines are hitting home in ways many of us can’t ignore
If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained, it’s a completely valid response. The mounting list of policy shifts isn’t just political jargon; it’s reshaping lives in real, often painful ways, especially for marginalized communities. Here’s just a snapshot of the realities many are navigating right now:
Natural Disasters Drive Stress Higher: Catastrophic events like the recent floods in southern Texas have caused loss of life, widespread damage, and lasting mental health impacts. They also expose political tensions, as underfunded infrastructure and delayed emergency responses leave some communities feeling neglected or targeted.
A Spike in Hate, Discrimination, and Violence: No matter where you land on the political spectrum, most people can agree that slurs and targeted violence are not okay. However, recent increases in hate crimes, racial slurs, and other violence against groups like Muslims, Jewish people, andother minority groupsare taking a toll.
Underrepresented Communities Are Losing Support: Recent U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) program cuts and tariffs are placing Black farmers under new pressures, and federal funding for Black-led non-profits continues to shrink.
LGBTQ+ and Other Groups Are Seeing Critical Funding Dry Up: When the NIH halted funding for LGBTQ+ health, gender identity, and research, it didn’t just cut programs, it left entire communities facing uncertainty and frustration.
Women’s Health Is in the Crosshairs: New laws restricting reproductive services, contraceptives, and even routine health screenings are making it more challenging for women to get the care they need, fueling anxiety and frustration.
Immigrants Face Uncertain, Harsher Realities: Recent crackdowns and shifting policies have left many immigrants, including those with clean records and proper documentation, feeling unsettled, questioning what “home†really means right now.
Widespread worry is evident, and the shared stress many feel isn’t imaginary: it’s a natural response to real, lived experiences in a climate that often feels unsteady. Because of this, acknowledging the mental and emotional weight so many carry is key for the healing, support, and care you need.
2025: The Year of Political Anxiety
There’s no denying that experiencing discrimination and a tense political climate can take a serious toll on your mental health. The stress, anxiety, and even grief many people are feeling right now isn’t just “in your headâ€: it’s a real, lived experience. But political burnout isn’t exclusive to any one group: recent numbers show nearly half of Gen Z, Millennials, and Baby Boomer populations are feeling it, too.
Maybe you’ve noticed your mind racing, a sense of restlessness, or an energy crash that makes even simple tasks feel impossible. Below are some anxiety and depression symptoms you might be experiencing:
Excessive worry
Restlessness
Feeling on edge
Fatigue
Difficulty concentrating
Other physical symptoms like dizziness, headaches, and digestive issues
If this list feels a little too familiar, you’re not alone and you’re not powerless. Naming political anxiety is a key first step toward caring for your mind and body. From there, support and effective strategies are within reach.
Strategies for Coping With Political Anxiety
While the recent political landscape has been triggering and upsetting for many people, there is hope: learning practical coping strategies to combatl grief and stress is critical for your emotional well-being. Try the following:
Acknowledge your distress and don’t ignore your feelings
Set realistic goals around news consumption so you can better understand your personal limits and avoid becoming overwhelmed
Lean on your community, chances are, friends, family, and others are navigating the same mental health challenges
Find and create moments of joy: while it’s good to acknowledge negative feelings, making sure you make time to recognize happy moments can give you new perspectives
These coping strategies are great tools to use when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Still, professional help from culturally competent therapists can give you an added level of support and guidance so you can be resilient in the face of political stress.Â
The Value of Culturally Competent Therapy Today
Political anxiety doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply shaped by your unique experiences, identity, and how the world responds. The emotional toll of today’s climate can be heavy, especially for those navigating discrimination, marginalization, or the chronic stress of feeling unsafe or unseen. That’s why finding the right therapist matters.
If you’ve ever felt like your identity was misunderstood, minimized, or overlooked in a therapy session, it may be a sign the support wasn’t truly aligned with your lived experience. Culturally responsive therapists are trained to understand the nuances of race, culture, gender, sexuality, religion, and more, all the factors that shape how you experience the world.
Here’s why that kind of care is so essential right now:
You feel genuinely heard and safe, which is foundational to healing.
You can unpack the complex impact of systemic issues and discrimination without having to educate your therapist first.
You get support that’s tailored to your life, not a one-size-fits-all approach.
In a political landscape that often feels unpredictable or hostile, having someone who truly understands your reality can be the difference between feeling alone and feeling empowered. If you’re ready to connect with a therapist who truly sees you, start with the GoodTherapy Help Me Find Care quiz. It asks a few key questions about your needs, preferences, and insurance to help match you with the right provider.
Navigate Political Stress With GoodTherapy
The U.S. political climate can feel relentless, especially for those facing discrimination or systemic barriers. From funding cuts and limited healthcare access to changes in immigration policy, the constant stream of difficult news can take an emotional toll.
But support is available. Culturally competent therapists and supportive communities like GoodTherapy can help you process what you’re feeling and build resilience. Prioritizing your mental health is one of the most powerful forms of self-care. Why wait to find support?
Learning how to manage stress effectively becomes essential as we navigate life’s constant changes. This gentle stress management approach through self-compassion offers a sustainable path forward.
As the gift of nature and renewal surrounds us, there’s something comforting about its predictability amidst change. The coolness of the mornings, gentle unfurling of leaves, the first brave blooms pushing through soil—these reliable transformations offer reassurance even as everything shifts.
I’ve been reflecting on how we might find similar comfort in new situations that arise, especially during stressful moments or times in our lives. When uncertainty feels overwhelming, where can we discover that same sense of grounding?
This contemplation has drawn me deeper into exploring our inner worlds. Don’t you find that sometimes our minds also crave that same sense of renewal?
Understanding Stress as a Universal Human Experience
As life happens and we begin to feel the feels, it’s a time to begin to be honest about something we all navigate in our own unique ways: Stress.
Even though stress can feel so intensely personal – that knot in your stomach, the racing thoughts that keep you up at night – it’s also something that connects us all. We might not always see it in each other, but stress is a shared part of the human experience.
Instead of chasing an idea of a completely stress-free life (which can feel like another thing to stress about!), let’s explore a different path together. What if we learned to relate to stress management in a new way?
How to Manage Stress and Shift Your Perspective on it
SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE:
Talk to ourselves with more kindness: Gently shifting those harsh inner critiques.
Really listen to what our emotions are telling us: Honoring our needs authentically.
Build an inner strength and move through stressful times: Learning to live alongside stress with more ease.
At the heart of it, we’re all figuring this out as we go.
For those facing particularly challenging times, these crisis management strategies can provide additional support alongside self-compassion practices.
Practical Examples of Self-Compassionate Inner Dialogue
For instance, if you catch yourself thinking: “I can’t just can’t handle all of this.”
Maybe you can try shifting that to something like: “This is a really challenging time, and I’m feeling it. But I also know I have inner strength and I’ll find a way through.”
Or when those tough days feel overwhelming and you think: “This is absolutely the worst day ever.”
Perhaps you can also acknowledge: “This is a really difficult moment, and it’s okay to feel this way. Even in tough times, there might be small things I can still appreciate.”
The Balance of Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion
It’s not about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about taking a glimpse at living as if and finding a slightly different, more self-compassionate lens to look through. Self-compassion for anxiety and stress isn’t just about being gentle with ourselves when things are tough; it also is about a deeper inner strength.
That gentle part is about acknowledging when we’re feeling drained or overwhelmed, allowing ourselves to feel it without judgment. It’s about giving ourselves permission to rest and recharge, rather than pushing through until we burn out.
But then there’s that fierce side – the courage to set boundaries, to say “no” to things that aren’t serving us, to really honor our own needs and protect our well-being.
Why Self-Compassion Works for Stress Management
Self-compassion isn’t a magic wand that makes stress disappear. Self-compassion is an act of real self-care that helps us navigate the challenges of life with a little more grace and a lot more inner strength. It lightens the load and reminds us that we’re worthy of kindness.
Embracing a Compassionate Approach to Mental Wellness
As we embrace this season of growth and renewal, I truly hope you’ll join me in exploring what a compassionate approach to stress might look like for you.
It’s about nurturing well-being from the inside out, acknowledging the very real challenges we all face, and remembering that we deserve our own understanding and care along the way.
Mindfulness is a powerful skill that has been taught for thousands of years by many world religions: Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and Christianity, to name a few. In the 1980s, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn introduced nonreligious mindfulness skills to patients dealing with chronic pain. Since this time, mindfulness meditation and exercises have been integrated into many forms of psychotherapy, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy. A recent study has even shown that daily meditation and being mindful of daily events may be just as effective as taking medication to prevent relapses of depression.
Yet another study indicated that meditation exercises are shown to boost mood and mental toughness. While this all sounds wonderful, it can be quite difficult to be fully present to the reality unfolding around us. To be mindful of the present moment involves being aware of emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, and actions in the present moment, without judging, criticizing, or assigning meaning to these events (McKay, Wood, & Brantley, 2007). Simple enough, right? Maybe not. We live in an incredibly fast-paced society, full of distractions and diversions. At any given moment, there may be so much sensory input coming in from the external world and from our internal chatter that it can be quite challenging to bring ourselves back to the present moment.
Basic Mindfulness Exercises
Below are some basic mindfulness exercises to begin the process of awakening to the constantly unfolding present moment, adapted from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook (McKay, Wood, & Brantley, 2007):
1. A “Mindless†Exercise
People often get distracted from the present moment and “zone out.†When this happens, you are no longer present to your life. It is going on around you, but you are not participating. Common consequences of not being present are feeling lost, anxious, or frustrated. Other people in your life may
be frustrated with you for not being present. What follows are some common situations in which many of us experience being unmindful. Notice which situations resonate with you. Identifying common themes is a great place to start re-engaging with the present moment.
In the middle of a conversation, you suddenly realize that you haven’t heard what the other person just said and you feel lost or confused.
While walking into a room, you suddenly forget why you entered the room in the first place.
While talking with another person, you are so distracted by what you want to say next that you aren’t really listening to what is being said.
After putting something down, you find that you cannot remember where you just placed it.
While taking a shower, you are so busy thinking about something that just happened or is going to happen later that you forget what you’ve already washed or not washed.
While driving, you are so distracted about your day’s events or tomorrow’s events that you forget which roads you took or where you are going.
2. Focus on a Single Minute
This is a simple concept that can have a powerful impact. The purpose of this exercise is to help you become more aware of your internal sense of time. Many of us have the sensation that time passes very quickly, resulting in the desire to rush to “get things done.†When you are always focused on the next thing to do, you lose sight of the present moment. Others have the sense of time passing very slowly, which may result in the sense that you have more time than you actually do. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will be undisturbed. Begin timing yourself with a watch or timer. Now, without looking at the timer, simply sit. When you believe one minute has passed, stop the timer. Notice how much time has actually passed. What insight did you gain from this simple exercise?
3. Focus on a Single Object
One of the biggest hurdles to mindfulness is the experience of your attention wandering from one thought to the next. The result is feeling lost, anxious, or overwhelmed. You are unfocused in these moments. The purpose of this exercise is to train yourself to focus your attention on a single object that you are observing. Begin by sitting comfortably in a place where you will be undisturbed. Choose an object to focus on and, without touching it, begin looking at the object with mindful awareness. Take your time to notice all aspects of this object: shape, texture, color, etc. Now, hold it in your hand and notice the different ways that it feels. If your attention wanders during this exercise, gently bring your focus back to the object. Was this surprisingly difficult for you, or not?
4. Band of Light
Many of us may feel a sense of disconnection between our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. We may even feel that our physical body is foreign or detached. This exercise is intended to help you become more mindful of the physical sensations in your body. Find a comfortable place to sit where you won’t be distracted for about ten minutes. Use your imagination to envision a narrow band of white light encircling the top of your head like a halo. Now imagine this band of light slowly moving down your body, becoming mindfully aware of the physical sensations of each part of your body as the band of light progresses down. If your attention wanders, just gently direct it back to the physical sensations you experience as the light moves from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. What did you notice while engaging in this exercise?
5. Inner-Outer Experience
The previous exercises helped you focus on being mindful of both internal and external events. This exercise is designed to combine these two experiences. Try shifting your attention back and forth between your internal experience (i.e., bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings) and your external experience (i.e., what you notice with your eyes, ears, nose, and sense of touch). What was it like for you to practice mindfully guiding your attention between these two realms of experiencing?
Consider how you can integrate one or more of these basic mindfulness exercises into your daily routine. Something as simple as taking a few minutes each morning to practice mindfulness can result in wonderful changes in your everyday experience of the present moment.
6. Record Three Minutes of Thoughts
Similar to the “Inner-Outer Experience†exercise, this mindfulness practice is intended to encourage you to recognize and focus on your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Try setting a timer for three minutes and simply begin to write down every thought that goes through your mind on a piece of paper. Don’t try to edit your thoughts or write them out word for word, just record each idea or concept that occurs to you. An example of a thought might be about an important upcoming presentation.
Rather than writing out specific details about the presentation, simply write “presentation.†See how many thoughts you can record in three minutes, no matter how small or seemingly unimportant. When you are finished, count the number of thoughts that you had in those three minutes and multiply that number by twenty to get a sense of how many thoughts you tend to have in a whole hour. Are you surprised by the results? What meaning can you take away from this exercise?
7. Thought Defusion
This technique is borrowed from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and is shown to be quite effective in the treatment of emotional distress. When we have distressing thoughts, there is a tendency to get “stuck†on them. Thought defusion can help you mindfully observe these distressing thoughts without getting bogged down by them. Ultimately, it can allow you the freedom to consciously select which thoughts you wish to focus on and which thoughts you would like to let go.
The idea of this exercise is to visualize your thoughts (e.g., as pictures, words, or symbols) harmlessly floating away from you. Try imagining your thoughts as leaves floating past you on a slowly moving river. If any particular thoughts keep coming up, just allow them to pass by again – notice them, observe them, and let them go.
8. Describe Your Emotion
The previous exercises have focused on becoming mindful of both thoughts and physical sensations. This exercise, aptly named “Describe Your Emotion†is designed to do just that. Simple enough, right? Try picking an emotion – it can be pleasant or unpleasant, but not so overwhelming that you worry about feeling out of control. Ideally, choose an emotion that you are experiencing right now. Once you have an emotion in mind, write it down on a piece of paper. Begin by naming the emotion and then continue with the exercise by drawing a picture that you believe represents this emotion for you.
Next, try writing down a related action and sound for the emotion. Notice what you are experiencing throughout the exercise. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, pause momentarily and bring your focus gently back to the exercise. Continue by describing the intensity and quality of the emotion. What thoughts are related to this emotion? Becoming more mindful of the full experience of a given emotion helps us to be more present in our emotional experiences.
9. Focus Shifting
This exercise is about learning to identify what you are focusing on in your ongoing moment-to-moment stream of conscious awareness. This is somewhat similar to the “Focus Shifting†exercise, where you practice shifting your attention between your inner and outer experiences. The difference is that this exercise centers around learning to shift your attention between emotions and senses and to understand the difference between the two.
Begin by checking in with yourself to identify how you are feeling. If you think you’re feeling “nothing,†try giving that emotional experience a label … it could even be “bored†or “content.†Close your eyes and bring your attention towards your current emotional experience – what would this emotion look like if it were an object? Imagine this object. Now, open your eyes and redirect your focus toward a physical object in the room. Mindfully observe this object. If your attention begins to wander, just gently bring it back to the exercise.
Return your focus towards your internal emotional experience. Next, shift your mindful awareness towards another sensory experience in the room – perhaps noticing a particular sound or smell. What was it like for you to mindfully shift your attention between your internal emotional experience and your outer senses?
10. Mindful Breathing
This tenth basic mindfulness exercise will help you learn to separate your thoughts from your emotions and physical sensations. A wonderful strategy to use when feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated by something in your internal or external experience (e.g., intense negative emotions or an unpleasant external situation) is to return to your breath. Your breathing is something that you always carry with you that you can return to in moments of distress or even crisis.
To breathe mindfully, focus on three parts of the experience: count your breaths, focus on the physical act of breathing, and be aware of any thoughts that arise while breathing. Remember what you learned in the thought defusion exercise to let go of distracting thoughts without getting “stuck†on them. Many people report a sense of becoming “one†with their breath.
Remember not to be too hard on yourself if you find it difficult to keep your attention focused. The more you are frustrated with yourself and react, the more difficult it will become to be mindful. When your attention wanders, simply gently redirect it back to your breath.
While the concept of mindfulness may be very simple in theory, it is far more difficult in practice. It may be especially difficult if you find that you have been living a large portion of your life essentially on “autopilot.†This results in going through the motions of the days, the weeks, and even the years, without being fully present to your ongoing moment-by-moment experience. For some, the realization of living on autopilot is like suddenly recognizing that life is not really being lived – it is being wasted. There is no time like the present moment to wake up to this realization and begin to actively reengage with your life’s purpose.
What benefits did you notice from beginning to practice these basic mindfulness exercises? For many people, basic mindfulness is surprisingly difficult. Rather than letting this difficulty frustrate you, recognize that any difficulties you have with focusing mindful attention on the present moment are simply telling you what you need to work on. Was it difficult to sit still for even five minutes without external distractions? This is a good indicator that this ability to sit still is something you need to cultivate.
Or perhaps, was it difficult to notice your thoughts in a nonjudgmental manner, watching them pass by as leaves on a stream? If so, then this may be an area for you to focus on in the future. Instead of seeing difficulties as insurmountable hurdles or telling yourself that you “can’t†do something, use these difficulties as opportunities and signs of important areas for growth. Start learning how to reframe your personal difficulties as challenges toward becoming the best version of yourself.
References:
McKay, M., Wood, J.C., & Brantley, J. (2007). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
I have an interpretation of the five remembrances I like to imagine. In it, the Buddha tells his monks about the five remembrances.Â
He gathers them together early one morning and says, “Every day, before you get out of bed, I want you to remember these five things:
“I am of the nature to get sick and there is nothing I can do about it.
“I am of the nature to grow old and there is nothing I can do to change that.Â
“I am of the nature to die and everything living eventually dies.
“Everyone I love everything I care about, including myself, is of the nature to change.
“All I have are the fruits of my labors.â€(1)
The monks look at him incredulously and say, “Are you kidding? That’s really depressing. Why would we want to start our day like that?â€
And the Buddha replies, “Because all of these things will happen. By acknowledging them every day and reminding yourself they are inevitable, you’re preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for life. You will not be surprised when difficulties appear. You still have to deal with them, but not with the additional pain of shock and anger that can come from denying reality.
“By understanding these are universal truths, you will not feel singled out for misery.â€
Aging in the 21st CenturyÂ
We live in a culture of denial and distraction. We deny hunger, homelessness, and suffering; so, naturally, we deny our own aging bodies.
In the short run, this can feel beneficial, as it allows us to maintain the fiction that we are not moving towards an ultimate departure. But we are.
I think it’s far easier to adjust in little daily increments than to just suddenly be walloped with the realization that you have grown old. After all, you only have two choices: growing old or being dead.
Denial Doesn’t Work
Denial is hard to sustain forever. Eventually, the pigeons come home to roost. Then what? Then the shock is even greater.
It’s not easy growing old in a culture that decries it. The highest compliment someone can pay an older person is that they look young.Â
3 Ways to Find Freedom Through AcceptanceÂ
It’s not easy being human. It’s not easy growing older. The body does not get healthier as we age. There is a natural decline. This is life. Yes, it’s challenging. But denying it doesn’t make the challenges disappear. As a matter of fact, it’s a Sisyphean task to stem the tide of time. Ultimately, decrepitude and death win. Why not embrace the change? Why not give yourself all the cosmic permission slips that come with growing older? And what might they be — The joy of slowing down? The joy of caring less about what other people think of you? The joy of choosing what you want to do with your day? The joy of being rather than doing?
By allowing yourself to be fully present in whatever moment you’re experiencing, even if that’s aging naturally, you fully inhabit something new. This gives you the opportunity to create, explore, and celebrate an evolving version of yourself.
2. Be Aware
Of course, aging with awareness creates a huge shift in your self-perception on all levels: physically, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, financially, even spiritually. Youth and middle age had their challenges and delights. Aging simply has different discoveries and joys. By allowing them to work their magic, you can open up space to become a different version of yourself. This is heavy lifting in a society that exalts youth and extroversion, but it can be done.Â
3. Be Yourself
“Be You†is the appropriate T-shirt design for any age. Trying to be the you you were years ago is frustrating, even depressing, and doesn’t allow you to fully embrace the you you are becoming with each new experience, including aging.
Give yourself the biggest gift you can: Love yourself just as you are this minute. If that seems impossible, have compassion for yourself as you learn to not just accept, but embrace different life lessons and experiences.Â
Did you know there are psychotherapists with special expertise in helping you navigate your elder years? To find one near you, search for a therapist near you and filter your results by Age Group of Client(s) > Elders or Common Specialties > All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues.Â
Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds
You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you.Â
The Evolution of a Relationship
It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic.Â
Why You Relate the Way You Do
In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.
Different Attachment Styles
Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress.Â
Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?
Further Research into Attachment StylesÂ
Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences.Â
Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood?Â
What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure?Â
Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020;Â Sims, 2000;Â Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013;Â Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?
Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.
Transference-Focused Therapy
Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples.Â
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy
Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.
Dyadic Regulation Processes
Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.
Partner Relationship Mindfulness
General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.
Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style
As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern. Â
What Lies within Our Power?
We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth.Â
If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.
Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.
Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.
Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.
Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.
Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart.Â
In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.
Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Â
Kim, S.â€H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and metaâ€analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.
Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.
Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.
Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.
Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.
Change is hard. By nature, it’s scary and unfamiliar. So too is the process of integration for some. Nevertheless, the only constant in life is change, so how do we navigate this inevitable aspect? How do we integrate change, whether we asked for it or not?
A potentially transformational experience that helps with integration I like to use for both myself and the people I work with is the labyrinth. I trained as a labyrinth facilitator in college, and I’ve witnessed many lives transforming through its intentional use.
Labyrinth, What?
What is a labyrinth, and why is it useful? While it has been popularized in the Christian tradition, it has wide applications that are very secular in mind-body integration, dance and movement therapy, art therapy, and somatic therapy. It is used as an intentionally created design to engender a lived experience; it may or may not be affiliated with any religion or sect.Â
The labyrinth is a metaphor for life. You pause, take a break, charge forward, become annoyed if someone is “in your way,” or even experience loneliness if you are walking alone. Alternatively, you may feel a sense of solace from being alone. There’s one way in and one way out, but along the way, there are many twists and turns. There are no dead ends, no wrong choices like in a maze. Instead, you can be confident that if you keep going, eventually you will reach the center of the labyrinth.Â
Explore and Integrate
I view labyrinths as vessels, sacred containers, or temenos, to deepen your practice of embodiment and to integrate the body-mind. Labyrinths allow us to have an honest look at how we live this one life we have. They provide a space to contemplate, confront challenges, meditate, pray, and find serenity by integrating the body-mind. Arguably, and this is a bold statement, experiencing the labyrinth is an incredible, lived-integration process. When people take the time to walk to the middle of the labyrinth, it takes great courage. They are willing and able to walk to the middle of themselves. It is no small feat!
I use the labyrinth to integrate the self overall and, sometimes, as an adjunct to dreamwork or to help someone integrate traumatic events in their lives. I also use it as an experiential process for psychedelic integration because experiencing a labyrinth journey can help someone make sense of what was unlocked from the depths of their unconscious during their psychedelic journey.
Brain Science and the Labyrinth
But how does this happen – scientifically? According to psychotherapist Neal Harris, who has studied this subject extensively, labyrinths help with mental focus, group cohesion, and spiritual connection by producing Alpha and Theta brain waves. When the brain is generating a wave of 9-14 cycles per second (Alpha), a gentle, relaxed feeling is produced. When the brain is generating a wave of 5-8 cycles per second (Theta), a deeper form of relaxation and creative, non-linear thinking is produced. As the brain drops down into these Alpha and Theta waves, there is an increase in left and right brain balance known as brain synchrony.
Regular meditators experience brain synchrony. This state can produce deep tranquility, creative insight, euphoria, and increased attention. Brain synchrony leads to integration because both brain hemispheres are working together. This, in turn, can lead to more balanced psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing.
Give Attention to Your Labyrinth Experience
As depth integration work continues, people dance with the labyrinth in different ways. The labyrinth is a way to create space in your hour, day, life to notice what comes up within your awareness as you walk it. It is a practice. Again, the labyrinth is a metaphor for life. People evolve with continued work in discovering their internal landscape. Thus, they may find they can exercise increased patience with themselves and with their world both internally and externally. They are able to engage with the labyrinth experience deeply and, in turn, more deeply commit to themselves and the process of integration. The labyrinth is not a game or a competition – the goal isn’t to walk to the center as fast as you can (although if you find yourself doing that, consider it more information about yourself that you’re uncovering). The labyrinth is a journey and practice of self-discovery.
What Do You Notice… in Your Body and Feelings?
If you’re willing to experience a labyrinth, I have some suggestions. As you step up to the start of the labyrinth, consider touching the ground and setting your intentionfor your journey. And then, as you begin with the first step, you realize you are well on your way already. Notice what happens for you as you twist and turn in the spirals. Are you quick-paced? Meandering? Pleased that you are on a journey? Feeling heaviness in your chest? Sensing a lightness in your heart? Aware of judgment or expectation?
What Do You Notice… in Your Behavior?
In the center of some labyrinths, you may find treasures left by fellow travelers before you. You may choose to bring something of an offering yourself to leave in the center – a bauble, a symbol or a figurine, or even an item that represents something you wish to let go of. You can leave it in the center and even sit to contemplate, journal, or witness your breath. Commemorate the moment, the letting go, the surrender. Again, be mindful of your whole being. Notice what you choose to do and consider it.
Do you only give an item without taking one? What was your intention in bringing this item to the center? How might that reflect how you live your life off of the physical labyrinth?
Do you only take an item without leaving one in return? Does this show up as part of a familiar pattern in your life?
What Do You Notice… in Your Own Growth?
As you walk on the path, twisting and turning toward the center or on your way back out, be mindfulof what arises within you. You may find treasures fellow travelers left in the center, or you may find some newly discovered gems within yourself. Maybe you’ll find David Bowie or perhaps your own Trickster within. You could consider dancing with it as you move forward on your journey.
The depths of the labyrinth provide us with many opportunities for deepening our practices of contemplation.Â
Getting Started
If you’d like to have a non-facilitated labyrinth experience, use this link to search anywhere in the world. Reverend Dr. Laura Artress, the woman who brought the labyrinth out of the shadows, offers some fantastic resources through her organization, Veriditas.Â
If you’re not physically able to go to a labyrinth for whatever reason, that’s totally fine! I also use finger labyrinths in my practice, and they provide a pause for contemplation in a similar way. Click the link to download a finger labyrinth. Â
If you want support with the integration process or to share your experience with someone who understands what it’s like to experience a labyrinth, reach out to me.Â
References
Artress, L. (1996). Walking a Sacred Path: Rediscovering the Labyrinth as a Spiritual Tool. New York: Riverhead Books.Â
Harris, Neal. “Effective, Short-term Therapy: Utilizing Finger Labyrinths to Promote Brain Synchrony.” Annals of the American Psychotherapy Association. September/October 2002. Â
Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is currently in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.
Wanting help with integrating change in your life? Click here to find a therapist from you.
There is power in a pause—a lot of power.
When asked why he played so well, piano virtuoso Artur Schnabel responded, “I handle notes no better than many others. But the pauses; that’s where the art resides.â€
A pause is simple, almost invisible. What does a pause do and how can we cultivate the fine art of pauses?
Understanding the ‘Pause’
A pause is a conscious slowing down—a space-maker between stimulus and response. Pausing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us become calm. When our nervous systems are calm, we have more capacity to avoid reacting out of habit, and instead, to choose a response that is more satisfying, effective, and attuned to the situation at hand.
My first “aha†about the transformative power of pausing came when I got fed up with my list-bound behavior. I was always moving like a freight train to get through my list of self-imposed and other-imposed things to accomplish. As if by never stopping, I was going to someday get through the list and finally be able to relax. This was a fool’s errand. So, I decided to try an experiment and took 5 minutes between things on my list. I could not believe what happened in 5 minutes.
I had a chance to feel what I was drawn to do next on the list, and even better, a number of things on the list became less urgent, or I realized they were things I could easily delegate to someone else. My list grew smaller, and I grew more aligned and satisfied with my tasks.
Pausing As Self-Care
Learning to pause is also a personal gift of self-care. Pausing briefly throughout the day reduces tension. More space and less anxiety and rush make much-needed room for pleasure and wonder. We can then work harder while being happier and more relaxed.
When we are moving too fast, or when we don’t take time to pause, we can easily misuse power because our habitual reactions overtake our ability to choose a more considered response.
As I am teaching, I often invite my students to stop and take three breaths whenever we transition from one topic or process to another. The pause created by taking three breaths allows for a little clearing and a chance to make room inside for the next thing. I feel so strongly about this that I consider it unethical for people to be too busy to take three breaths.
When we are moving too fast, or when we don’t take time to pause, we can easily misuse power because our habitual reactions overtake our ability to choose a more considered response. I tend to react to an issue with an immediate idea of how to fix it. When I take three breaths before responding, I make room for a more creative and inclusive unfolding of the resolution.
Pausing in Relationships
Pausing is also a powerful relationship tool, though pausing in the context of a relationship is not as easy as it might seem. It takes a surprising amount of self-awareness: first, to be able to notice an automatic pattern you habitually use in relationships and second, to make some space before reacting and choose a different response.
I have discovered one of my own automatic patterns that shows up in my role as a therapist. A client says something, and I have an impulsive habit of immediately giving a verbal response. When I am able to pause and wait just a little bit longer than usual, there’s more room for something new or deeper to come forth from the client. For example, in the pause, the client may say, “Oh, I notice something else…â€
Skillfully using relationship pauses is a good leadership skill. One of my mentors once told me it was very important not to rush in too quickly to solve a problem. “You could use up all your time going from handling one crisis to another,” he said. “Instead, make some space to empower others to put in their ideas and let a creative and collaborative resolution emerge.â€
Two Ways to Use Pausing in Day-to-Day Life
Using pauses well is one of the great secrets of being power positive. Here are several specific experiments to try. For a week, do at least one of each experiment. Write down the results at the end of the day. Harvest your results.
Pause in your personal world: Consciously choose to make space between tasks.
Pause in your relationship world: Consciously choose to wait longer than usual before speaking.
It’s not always easy to slow down. If you feel too stressed or overwhelmed to find time to pause, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you learn skills to manage stressors and cope with overwhelm.
Are you struggling with the uncertainty and unpredictability of our current political climate? Are you concerned about how to help your clients weather the impact of the rapid changes taking place? You are not alone. It has been over a year and a half since the transition in the American government, but the impact continues.
Many of us are feeling the pressure of political stress—and so are our clients. According to the American Psychological Association, a poll taken in 2017 showed that 63% of Americans are stressed about the future of the United States. Further, 59 percent believe this to be “the lowest point in our nation’s history that they can remember.â€
Regardless of where we fall on the political spectrum, collective uncertainty and social discord is challenging, in and out of the office. Transition of power is especially difficult when the speed of change accelerates more quickly than expected. If you are among the marginalized and oppressed, it is likely that the change in power and ensuing polarization is causing enough stress to trigger adaptive coping strategies, both functional and dysfunctional.
This means that those who have been dealing with discrimination and oppression all their lives may now, due to the divisive social and political landscape, be navigating even more stress, worry, anxiety, and depression. For mental health professionals, this means the people seeking help from us may be initiating more conversations about discrimination and oppression than in the past.
As we navigate a more stressful collective experience, there are two main considerations that may be helpful in maximizing the quality of our support:
Consider using the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for empowerment and liberation from oppression and internalized oppression. Doing so can be invaluable to the mental and emotional health of our clients.
When people seeking help bring in painful issues that trigger distress, consider taking special care to do the inner work necessary to prevent overwhelm and heal your own internalized oppression to provide the best support possible.
As mental health professionals, we have an opportunity to create a safe space to process heartbreak and foster resilience around stressful collective experiences. Therapy can help with family of origin issues, insecure attachment, cognitive behavioral patterns, emotional imbalances, and addiction.
But therapists can also play a role in helping people in therapy navigate the discrimination and marginalization that impacts their well-being. When we hold the individual and collective impact of polarization, oppression, and internalized oppression with as much importance as we do other factors, we are more able to attune, empower, and collaborate with clients in the most difficult times.
Therapist as Ally
We see oppression operating when one group has more access to power and privilege than another group, and when that power and privilege is used to maintain the status quo. But internalized oppression can be more difficult to detect.
The intersection of oppression and internalized oppression is where therapists and counselors have the greatest opportunity to help empower clients by becoming an ally. Allies choose to commit themselves to actively supporting others. They use their privilege to help reduce the impact of discrimination and suffering.
Internalized oppression perpetuates and amplifies the maintenance of the status quo by constructing subservience in the minds of oppressed groups. Taking on the prejudice of the oppressor, it may appear in therapy as any of the following:
Gratefulness for being allowed to survive or have access to resources.
The intersection of oppression and internalized oppression is where therapists and counselors have the greatest opportunity to help empower clients by becoming an ally. Allies choose to commit themselves to actively supporting others. They use their privilege to help reduce the impact of discrimination and suffering.
In our role as therapist, this may include, but is not limited to:
Helping clients learn to regulate their nervous system during political actions
Employing positive adaptive strategies in the face of discrimination and violence
Attending to the conflict between activated parts when feeling unsafe
Navigating symptoms exacerbated by increased stress
Connecting people in therapy with additional resources.
Regardless of the theoretical framework, we can help people make a radical shift in their relationship to the difficult thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that compromise mental and emotional health.
Inner Work
As we know, we are of greatest service to our clients when we do our own inner work. When we prioritize addressing how the intensity of the political landscape is affecting our own mental health and attitudes, we are more able to hold space for the range of experiences our clients are going through.
The active professional psychology community is 84% white, 16% people of color. Whether you are among the former or the latter, uncovering and transforming your own social conditioning can help you become more fully and compassionately present to yourself and the people you work with. Even those who are oppressed can inflict pain within their own group or unconsciously perpetuate discrimination against people from another oppressed group. Thus, it is especially important to consider ways we can unravel internalized oppression to encourage conscious connection and collaboration.
As we sit with people in session, we have the opportunity to mindfully notice our internal process and prevent unintentional enactments of the same divisions experienced within society. We are human. We will make mistakes. But by doing our inner work, we lay the foundation for the possibility of deeply supporting our clients in a larger system that may or may not be as sensitive to their needs.
The Power of Mindfulness
One of the most challenging aspects of the current political climate is that so many people are in harm’s way or have the potential to suffer injustice. Just as difficult is the thought that the earth is suffering destruction influenced by the perception that she is only valued as a disposable resource for capitalistic endeavors. These divisive experiences have grave mental health consequences, which are but a fraction of the overall negative impact on our collective well-being—for the current population as well as for those in future generations.
In an environment that encourages hostility between those who have different political opinions or backgrounds (i.e. sexual orientation, gender expression, class, race, culture, religion, or ability, among others) mindfulness can help us deal with the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise in our daily experience. When we intentionally pay attention to what is happening, as it is happening, without judgment, we can cultivate an internal spaciousness that gives us the opportunity to observe and respond, rather than react. As we tend to the moment, we more effectively notice an ability to pause before a trigger manifests into a reaction. This gives us a choice to consider our next course of action.
Another benefit of mindfulness is that it promotes self-compassion. Mindfulness has two wings. First, it helps us see what is true. Second, it helps us hold with love what is seen. Whatever arises in the midst of our country’s changes, we have the choice to hold with love whatever is perceived within, whether it is anger, fear, shame, helplessness, or the internalized prejudices against ourselves that occur as a result of oppression. We then can become aware of our capacity to hold intense experiences with care. This allows us to expand our window of tolerance during politically stressful times and empower ourselves to transform suffering into a more balanced, flexible, and generative expression that can benefit all.
In terms of extending mindfulness to therapy, spaciousness and compassion increase our ability to be present enough to deeply listen to a person’s struggles. When we bring our full presence to the clinical setting, we increase our ability to track and attune to a client’s internal experiences as we navigate our own. Being mindful helps us become acutely aware of what is happening in the moment, while holding in mind the relational dynamic. Remaining mindful of the therapeutic relationship helps us consider the interpersonal and intrapsychic experience the person in therapy is having.
While we can’t change the current social environment, we can be sensitive to the power dynamics in the relationship so we can work to create a therapeutic environment that supports and empowers. Political stress is challenging. But when we do our inner work and use mindful awareness in the midst of rapid social change, we can serve as a supportive ally—to ourselves and our clients.
References:
2005-13: Demographics of the U.S. psychology workforce. (2015). APA Center for Workforce Studies. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/workforce/publications/13-demographics/index.aspx
APA Stress in America survey: US at ‘lowest point we can remember;’ future of nation most commonly reported source of stress. (2017, November 1). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/11/lowest-point.aspx.
David, E. J. R., & Derthick, A. O. (2018). The psychology of oppression. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.
Pheterson, G. (1986). Alliances between women: Overcoming internalized oppression and internalized domination. Signs, 12(1). pp. 146-160.
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GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.
Learning how to manage stress effectively becomes essential as we navigate life’s constant changes. This gentle stress management approach through self-compassion offers a sustainable path forward.
Mindfulness is a powerful skill that has been taught for thousands of years by many world religions: Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and Christianity, to name a few. In the 1980s, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn introduced nonreligious mindfulness skills to patients dealing with chronic pain. Since this time, 
There is power in a pause—a lot of power.
Are you struggling with the uncertainty and unpredictability of our current