Money might not buy happiness, but social class does influence the types of pleasure a person experiences, according to a study published in the journal Emotion.

How Social Class Affects Happiness

The study used a nationally representative sample of 1,519 people ranging in age from 24-93 years old. Researchers used income levels to determine participants’ social class. While other factors, such as social capital or professional networks, also influence class, income most directly reflected participants’ access to resources.

Participants completed surveys about their experience of seven emotions associated with happiness. These included awe, compassion, amusement, contentment, love, enthusiasm, and pride. For example, the surveys asked participants how much they agreed with statements like, “Many things are funny to me.”

[fat_widget_right]

The results suggest that people across income levels experience a range of positive emotions. Yet the frequency of certain feelings varied with social class. Top earners experienced more self-oriented positive emotions, such as pride, contentment, and amusement. The lowest earners reported more other-oriented emotions, including awe, love, and compassion. The groups recorded similar levels of enthusiasm.

The study’s authors point out that different resources affect a person’s environment. This can also affect their priorities. Greater material resources typically mean more autonomy, which increases access to individualistic emotions like pride. Meanwhile, people with less resources often experience more risk from their environments. Community-minded emotions like compassion may help lower earners band together to solve problems.

Other Research on Money and Happiness

A 2010 analysis by psychologist Daniel Kahneman and economist Angus Deaton showed the effects of money on happiness. It found daily happiness increased with income until income was sufficient to meet basic needs and purchase a few luxuries. Afterwards, more money didn’t mean more happiness.

According to the study, the ideal household income for optimal happiness is $75,000. (A report in Advisor Perspectives says this number is still likely accurate despite inflation.) $75,000 is a national average that varies depending on the local cost of living. For the most expensive neighborhoods in Manhattan, optimal happiness can cost as much as of $162,500.

References:

1. Can money buy happiness? A new study investigates. (2017, December 26). Observer. Retrieved from http://observer.com/2017/12/can-money-buy-happiness-a-new-study-investigates
2. Happiness revisited: A household income of $75k? (2016, October 21). Advisor Perspectives. Retrieved from https://www.advisorperspectives.com/dshort/commentaries/2016/10/21/happiness-revisited-a-household-income-of-75k#ixzz37eM5xPxF
3. Piff, P. K., & Moskowitz, J. P. (2017, December 18). Wealth, poverty, and happiness: Social class is differentially associated with positive emotions. Emotion. doi:10.1037/emo0000387

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of all the commercialization. I’m also pretty much broke. I know I’m going to get all kinds of gifts, some of which are expensive, and the expectation will be that I return the favor.

[fat_widget_right]

Christmas is big in my family, and everyone tends to spend big accordingly. Even if I had money to spend, though, I don’t want to spend it on gifts. And I work two jobs, so I don’t have time to make things for people. So I don’t know what to do. I just want to skip Christmas and go straight to New Year’s, but instead I’m going to have to deal with all kinds of guilt over not being a good reciprocal gift giver. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me, I’ll take them. —Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

You are not alone in dreading the expectations of the holidays. What once felt like it was about gathering with loved ones and sharing in the joy of the season has, for many, become about obligation. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Do you think your family would be open to looking at this holiday differently? Some families are moving in a direction to replace tangible gifts with experiences. Would that be something you could all discuss?

My recommendation would be to talk about how you are feeling with your family. Let them know you aren’t able to participate in lavish gift giving. You could ask them what might be something meaningful they would like from you. If you are clear with them before they select a gift for you, they can still choose to give you an expensive gift; they cannot expect you to return the favor.

For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means.

If your family traditions are inspiring feelings of guilt rather than joy, before the holidays is a good time to talk about them. For some, the giving is what brings them joy—even without the expectation of a return. For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the price tag that is big. What could make the holiday fun for you? If you come with some suggestions about what you’d like the holiday to be or mean, you may find that others get excited about your ideas. At the very least, you are starting a dialogue about what matters to you and what you hope your family traditions may be.

If you have been honest with your family, and they have let you off the hook for lavish gift exchange and you are still feeling guilty, you may want to explore those feelings with a therapist. You may want to look at how you wish to engage with your family around holidays and other traditions in ways that work for you. Sometimes we believe it is impossible to break out of family patterns that seem entrenched. Getting support on how to start that process could be helpful.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I left my job about two months ago, run-down and on the brink of something drastic because of how miserable I was. It was an extremely high-stress job in finance, and I was very good at it despite the long hours and the lack of creativity it took to do the job. Quitting it was a huge risk—I had savings, but no real prospects on the other side. I just wanted some peace after a decade of work that was at once mind-numbing and incredibly taxing.

[fat_widget_right]

Since I left I’ve been making ends meet with some odd jobs, but after two months the thought is starting to creep in that I made a huge mistake. Life hasn’t been as fulfilling as I dreamed it would be, and though I have time and freedom now to explore hobbies I’ve wanted to take up and complete some lingering house projects, I seem to be … still stuck, somehow.

Maybe I had too many expectations for quitting? Did I build it up too much in my head? The company I just left has an opening, and part of me wants to return. My best friends are there, but I dread every other aspect of being employed there again. At the time, I thought quitting was the best decision I ever made and I vowed never to go back. Should I listen to my nagging regrets? Try harder to make a new life for myself? Or opt for stability and doing what I know? —Wealth or Worry

Dear WOW,

Thank you for your letter. As is so often the case (sayeth the psychotherapist), it raises more questions than answers. But first, let me make an observation or two.

We are often confused by the question of, “Is it the external circumstances that are the problem here, or is it me?” Typically, it is both. In fact, part of the problem can be seeing it as strictly either/or. Some of us grew up in misattuned environments, for instance, where we were always the problem. Some people in therapy also struggle because “they”/“him”/“her” is at fault.

There are always exceptions, but most of the time an external situation—especially a stressful one—is a catalyst for some psychological or emotional conflict we are sorting through. We cannot avoid seeing everything through our own “glasses” or filters. And everyone has ongoing, unsorted conflicts; there is no normal in this regard, as each person’s psychic conflict is highly individualized.

It sounds here as if the job was undoubtedly stressful, and no one can fault you for being a “quitter” since you hung in for a decade! One of our most basic needs is precisely what you stated—peace. I can confirm that the financial industry is anything but peaceful, what with the advent of ever-faster technological tools which seem to increase impatience from management and demand on workers. It is inherently a nerve-wracking business since it involves money, which touches on widespread fears and needs for security, leading to ongoing, socio-cultural anxiety and neurosis.

So the pressure was on, and from the sound of it, you prospered. That is no small feat. Clearly, you have marketable skills and can perform under pressure, to your credit, with a solid résumé that speaks to a decade of experience in a stressful environment.

Yet, in spite of your palpable relief at leaving, something lingers: self-doubt, a creeping sense of “what if I goofed?” This, to me, is probably the most emotionally significant part of your story.

Stability is, at least in part, an inside job. I have worked with quite a few wealthy individuals in therapy who were terribly unhappy. (I am not saying being able to pay bills and rent is insignificant.) In this case, though, it sounds like you have sufficient funds for now and can “make ends meet.” So rather than focus on the externals (the job opening, the company) or looking in the rearview mirror (“did I screw up by quitting?”), I would suggest you take time for sustained, empathic self-reflection.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist, career counselor, or another professional who has experience helping folks with precisely these concerns? Something new awaits—something good, I am sensing—but it’s hard to know which door to open, or where the door can even be found. This, in turn, stokes fear.

I strongly sense there is also a sense of conflict within yourself that wants security and certainty and peace or serenity, a sense of wholeness within the kind of work that truly, in the long run, is right for you. This is a tricky balance, one that requires more work and exploring on your part, but I am sure it is possible. You might not find perfection, but I am certain you can get inside the ballpark.

Renowned psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott would call this yearning for peace as coming from your “true self,” while mythologist and Jungian author Joseph Campbell might call this process the beginning of your “hero’s journey,” or journey to authentic selfhood.

Campbell stated that the hero most often refused the “call to adventure” at first, deciding to take that journey only when backed into a corner. Carl Jung himself felt it is only when cornered, or up against a wall, that our conscious mind surrenders to deeper, creative forces seeking actualization, carrying us forward like the currents of a river.

Or, as an old Zen parable puts it, we are the train on the tracks, but we cannot be the tracks.

I sense, in other words, that you need to give the quieter “other side”—which wants peace or something different, which nagged you to quit the job—a little space and patience to speak up. (Journaling can help in this regard, or talking to a professional or a trusted friend.) There is always existential anxiety at giving up a path of certainty—the financial job, where you know you can succeed and make a good living—for the blank canvas of what next. But that is precisely the adventure! In a way, we need that anxiety to keep our search in motion. And it is trial and error; don’t give up if the answer doesn’t appear right away. It will, though answers come in bits and pieces. Dramatic “aha!” moments are, for the most part, best left for movies and television.

I’m guessing your courageous decision, which was a bold and necessary step to protect your sanity and serenity, has provoked deep-rooted voices—parental, perhaps?—that are saying things like, “Are you crazy? That job paid $_____ a year! Now what are you going to do? Watch daytime TV?”

That is the voice of fear. Fear tends to lead to black-and-white perception, where you are either secure or screwed.

But you have marketable skills, as I say. From a more neutral vantage point, I would guess you have options. By calming your fear and finding outlets for existential self-soothing, you might start to see that you could, for instance, work part-time for a company or even for yourself. And you are making ends meet, which might be good enough for now until you find something that resonates.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential.

Have you considered working for yourself? Many folks are overwhelmed and confused by money matters (my hand is raised); could you do some independent advising or work for a smaller or less daunting firm, even part-time? Sometimes companies hire people for short-term projects, via a recruiter for instance. During that time, you could explore other options: volunteering, taking informational interviews, and so forth.

Corny as it sounds, this is a prime opportunity for you to stretch your wings. Daydream a little. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try, or even go back to school to study? Is this the time to go to grad school in the evening for your philosophy degree or take a creative writing or guitar class? There is more to life than work, and we are not defined by work alone; for many, it is the least defining point of identity.

Try browsing online job sites, A to Z, and see if anything jumps out at you, something you never even thought of. Maybe you yearn to do some socially or environmentally conscious work (as a random example); could you end up as an investment adviser for a nonprofit? Could you do some combination of corporate and nonprofit work? Do you want to chuck finance altogether and teach English in Asia or Europe, or find a finance job in an international firm and live abroad?

It is possible you could write your own job description and follow it up with persistent footwork to make it happen. It sounds like you have a rare combination of gifts: a financial talent along with integrity and a need for something more personally fulfilling. You have a soul, and it is speaking to you. The soul—or the unconscious, or true self—does not always speak in digestible sound bites, which means we need to find ways to listen deeply to that quiet inner voice which is telling us something vital.

I have worked with people in your situation, and they have prevailed by not giving up. One was an attorney at a movie studio, and he was miserable. He was on-call 24/7, and despite working on prestigious projects, he felt depleted and beat up, with no time or energy to find a partner or start a family. Eventually he decided to get training in estate law, and now runs a quiet little business with a partner, with weekdays that end at 5 p.m.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential. I would just remind you that you have options, per the above.

It’s natural to experience awkwardness after a decade of living a certain way and then stopping. You are carving out a new way of living, day by day. Give yourself credit for doing something brave. You can always go back—to your previous job, or others like it—though I can’t help but conclude that, on a soulful level, you truly don’t want to. So, keep the search going and I am sure the answers will come.

Thanks again for writing!

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

First, let me say I don’t think I’m a great parent, but I do try to be one. I know the way I parent is different than how a lot of people are with their kids. I just don’t know if that’s good or bad.

My kids are grown up. My son is 24 and lives with his girlfriend in an apartment a few miles away. My daughter is 25, lives halfway across the country, and recently graduated from college with a degree in anthropology. Neither is employed. I am retired and financially comfortable, so I am able to help them. And by help, I mean fully support them.

[fat_widget_right]

I know a lot of parents would cut the cord completely and let their kids fend for themselves. I just don’t feel good about that. My kids had a rough childhood with their dad, who was an alcoholic (he killed himself in 2006). He was really hard on them. They didn’t deserve that.

When my kids ask for money or other assistance, I can’t bring myself to say no. They heard “no” too much as kids. On the flip side, I acknowledge this might mean they are becoming dependent on me. My friend tells me they are taking advantage of me and are less motivated to find work because I help them. She’s probably right, but I still can’t bring myself to say no to them. I love them very much, and I am able to help them, so what’s the harm?

I guess I am asking whether you think I’m wrong. It’s one thing to hear it from a friend; it’s another to hear it from a therapist. —Yes Ma’am

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Yes Ma’am,

There is no “right” way to parent your children, even when they are grown. You, and only you, get to decide how you want to show up for them.

That said, I’m hearing a good bit of guilt behind some of your actions, and that may not be the healthiest framework for decision-making. Your kids may not have had the childhood you would have chosen for them, but that does not mean you owe them more because of it. No parent is ever able to meet all of their children’s needs—we do the best we can given our circumstances and abilities. I imagine you did the best you could with what you had available. For the record, hearing “no” as a child can sometimes be the best thing for us.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting. Equipping our children to cope with the world, to manage their lives, and to develop resiliency are better goals. It is less outcome focused and more skills focused, and helps our children develop the tools they need to be able to experience happiness—competence, purpose, and confidence they can weather any storm. That means letting them struggle while being a soft place for them to land when they fall.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting.

This does not mean you should yank your support in order to force your children to be resilient. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. You may want to decide for yourself what you are willing to offer, and then have conversations with each of them as to what form that support might take. You might set a timeline and a budget that works for you—enough to help them until they get established, but not so much they can abdicate responsibility for their own lives. I’ve seen parents who decided they were willing to pay for car insurance, or half the rent, or a set amount each month. If you ask your kids what form of support would be most helpful, you can engage with them as the adults they are becoming while holding to limits that feel reasonable to you.

You may also want to talk with a therapist about any lingering feelings of guilt. There may be some emotional healing you and your kids need, but financial support has never been an adequate substitute for emotional support. It can even create barriers when the relationship becomes one of obligation and entitlement.

By setting a limit with your children, you would be letting them know you want to support and help them while also communicating you have confidence in their abilities to create their own lives.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My oldest child is 7, and many of his friends receive an allowance from their parents for doing chores around the house. I never gave the idea of an allowance much thought, as I didn’t receive an allowance for chores as a kid and don’t personally feel it’s necessary. But seeing his peers spend money and buy things for themselves (nothing major, just small toys or candy) makes my son want the same freedom. Plus, I’m facing a shocking amount of criticism from other parents in my son’s friend circle. I had no idea this was such a contentious issue! Those parents all say that giving an allowance teaches kids the importance of earning money through hard work, as well as the value of saving money, spending it wisely, etc.

[fat_widget_right]

Of course, like any parent, I do see the merit of providing an incentive for tasks, especially when so often it’s like pulling teeth to even get them to put a dish in the sink. But I also feel strongly that chores are not the type of labor that deserves a reward, since contributing to household duties is something they will have to do their whole lives without compensation. In many ways, I feel like offering an allowance is instilling in them the idea that they’re entitled to payment for doing chores that are not above and beyond the scope of expected responsibilities.

Is there an argument for or against an allowance from a long-term mental health standpoint? Or is there a certain age when it’s better to introduce an allowance system? I know in the grand scheme of parenting the issue of an allowance, either issued or withheld, probably will not “make or break” a kid. Just curious whether you have any insights about lasting lessons a child might learn one way or the other. Thanks! —Raincheck, Please

Dear Raincheck,

This is such a great parenting question!

The first part I’d like to address is the criticism you are getting from peers. You are entitled to make parenting choices that work for you and your family that are aligned with your family’s unique values. The judgment you are feeling from the other parents is unfortunate—and ultimately their issue, not yours.

I’d also like to separate the two issues of chores and allowance. Chores are great for kids, assuming they are age-appropriate. They teach competence, life skills, and the importance of contributing to the family (something that combats entitlement and enhances gratitude). It is absolutely okay to expect your children, even as young as 3 or 4, to contribute to the household by picking up, feeding animals, setting and clearing the table, and other achievable tasks.

You are also correct that combining allowance and chores can be problematic. It shifts the focus from contributing to the family as an expectation, or social relationship, to a fee for service, or business relationship. What happens if your child feels he doesn’t need the money? Does that excuse him from feeding the dog? Combining the two also runs the risk of fostering a sense of entitlement—I’ve heard many kids, when asked to do something for their parents, ask, “What will you give me?” If they have been trained to believe task equals payment, this reaction is to be expected.

The allowance does not have to be exorbitant. It does not need to match what your child’s peers are getting. There will be plenty of times over the course of your parenting life when your children will compare their treatment to that of their peers (today, allowance—soon, phones and cars). You are under no obligation to match what their peers or peers’ parents are doing.

An allowance, however, is also pretty terrific for children. It teaches them the value of money. It gives them some independence. It allows them to contribute financially to gifts for friends or family and feel some pride and ownership. It also encourages them to learn about decision-making and delayed gratification. If they want a toy that costs $15, do they want to spend their savings on trinkets that cost $2,if they know it will delay their ultimate goal?

Allowances also encourage conversations about values. Some parents set up a system by which kids put money in spend-save-share jars. The share part is for donating to a cause of their choice. If that is something you want to encourage, there’s no better way to teach that lesson than having them involved in deciding what to give and to whom.

The allowance does not have to be exorbitant. It does not need to match what your child’s peers are getting. There will be plenty of times over the course of your parenting life when your children will compare their treatment to that of their peers (today, allowance—soon, phones and cars). You are under no obligation to match what their peers or peers’ parents are doing. However, conversations with your children about why you are making the decisions you are making will help them develop a keener understanding of your family values and priorities.

[amazon_affiliate]

I hear your struggle with incentivizing chores. Some parents choose to make chores a basic expectation (this is what we do). Failing to meet those expectations results in losses of privileges (screen time, dessert, play dates, etc.). There are also ways to encourage chores by instilling in your children a sense of pride of accomplishment. Letting my son hear me brag to friends and family about how well he did his “jobs” without prompting has accomplished far more than any sticker chart or reward system ever did.

You are right that this is not a “make-or-break” kind of parenting decision. It is, however, a tremendous opportunity to intentionally foster the skills and values you hope your children will possess as adults. If you want to read more about this topic, there’s a fantastic book by Ron Lieber called The Opposite of Spoiled. It delves into all of this and more and is incredibly informative and accessible.

Best of luck,

Erika

A recently released investigation of mental health in British college students found a significant link between financial problems and risk of experiencing mental health issues. The authors highlight a cycle of financial hardship and poor mental health that could lead to more problems if left unaddressed.

College student mental health is an increasing problem in many parts of the world. In a 2013 survey, 95% of directors at U.S. college counseling centers reported seeing an increase in the number of students with significant mental health issues. Because many school counseling centers are unable to keep up with increasing mental health treatment needs, many researchers’ efforts are focused on reducing students’ exposure to factors that pose a threat to mental health, such as financial stress.

Student Finances and Mental Health: a Vicious Cycle?

Researchers surveyed 454 first-year college students at four different points in time during their first two years of college. They assessed mental health symptoms such as anxiety, depression, stress, and alcohol use. They also assessed financial variables, including level of family affluence based on assets and stress related to money concerns.

[fat_widget_right]Family affluence did not have a significant effect at any stage of the analysis, but financial stress was found to be associated with many mental health variables. At the start of the study, students under higher financial pressure were more likely to experience anxiety, depression, stress, and alcohol dependence problems. Financial stress also predicted greater anxiety and alcohol issues over time.

The researchers also found that the students’ mental health could affect financial stress, leading to an association between poor mental health or substance dependence and more difficulty meeting financial needs later on. Depression was a factor when financial stress was tied to thoughts of leaving school.

Managing Financial Stress

These findings also suggest a serious negative association between student debt and poor mental health over time. Students who reported worrying about taking on debt to pay for school experienced higher amounts of anxiety and stress throughout the survey period.

The connection between financial pressure and poor mental health in college students is not a new finding. A 2013 study focused on the factors associated with finance-based anxiety (a common consequence of financial stress). The study included 180 college students who were receiving counseling at their university’s counseling center. Differences in financial anxiety were found to exist based on age, gender, and socioeconomic status. The identification and verification of such relationships may help in the development of interventions that would be effective across a wide range of groups.

Though completely changing a financial situation may not be possible, the study’s authors suggest students meet with a financial adviser at their school to seek help managing their finances. Because the survey findings show financial stress can fuel mental health issues, being proactive about managing finances may help prevent mental health from spiraling out of control.

References:

1. Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety [PDF file]. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50.
2. College students’ mental health is a growing concern, survey finds. (2013, June). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/06/college-students.aspx
3. Novotney, A. (2014). Students under pressure. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/09/cover-pressure.aspx
4. Pain, E. (2016, October 4). Tackling the ‘vicious cycle’ of financial challenges and poor mental health. Retrieved from http://www.sciencemag.org/careers/2016/10/tackling-vicious-cycle-financial-challenges-and-poor-mental-health
5. Richardson, T., Elliott, P., Roberts, R., & Jansen, M. (2016). A longitudinal study of financial difficulties and mental health in a national sample of British undergraduate students. Community Mental Health Journal. doi:10.1007/s10597-016-0052-0

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Our son, who turned 18 last month, is about to graduate from high school. He’s a great kid, an Eagle Scout, and a straight-A student (3.96 grade-point average). He’s the president of his senior class and has multiple full-ride scholarship offers from elite schools across the country, including Stanford and Princeton.

[fat_widget_right]

So why, pray tell, would he possibly want to join the military? This is the dilemma our family faces. Bernie Sanders isn’t president. College isn’t cheap. A quality college education is unaffordable for many families, including ours. By the time our son would complete his service, it seems doubtful at best that opportunities like this will still be waiting for him, and we won’t be in position to help him much. We feel like he is leaving not only free money (and a lot of it) on the table, but also his future, and for what?

His mother and I both see the nobility in wanting to serve our country and we admire him for it, but this decision puts not only his financial future at risk but also, potentially, his life. It’s an unstable world we live in, and not too many people who enlist these days manage to avoid deployment. We’ve tried to talk some sense into our son, but he says he’s made up his mind. Easy to say for someone who has never had to pay for anything in his life.

Please help us. How can we convince our son that going to college is a much better choice than going to war? —Dumbfounded Dad

Dear Dumbfounded,

Thank you for writing. I can’t help but think the answer to your question lies in the emotional undertone of the question itself.

As I’m sure you already know, the teen years are often a roller-coaster for teens and parents alike. It’s a phase marked by intense contradiction, as a burgeoning young adult seeks individuation and freedom while under the care and protection of the very people they are trying to separate from. It’s easy to get lost in the minutiae of curfews, driving privileges, allowances, homework, drugs, sex, and so on.

Though I find it a worthy question to ask, what is really at the heart of this? Usually it’s anxiety or fear. On the parents’ side, there is the fear the child will be somehow unsafe, now or later, and is throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Parents fear that the kid who struggles in school may not be well enough prepared for college later; the kid who experiments with pot may be “setting themselves up for failure” down the road; and the son who says no to full-ride scholarships at elite schools has somehow gone off-track. What the heck is he thinking? That does it, I’m putting my foot down!

The teen, meanwhile, worries about the same thing, only from a different angle. Can I survive and flourish—socially, financially—once I’ve left the nest? If I’m too reliant on mom or dad now, what happens later when I’m working or at college? I can’t rely on them forever. I know they want me to take these scholarships, get an education, but I want a different kind of education. What’s wrong with that? To hell with ’em! I’m on my own!

Anxiety, in other words, rules the day, as each side feels disrespected or abandoned or shut out by the other.

Your letter is full of understandable parental anxiety focused mostly, it seems to me, on the future. He is “potentially” risking his life or possibly throwing away opportunities that may or may not be “waiting for him” later on. One could say these scholarships are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. You could also say any kid with the smarts to get into these schools with a 3.96 GPA, and with a willingness to take the road less traveled, will likely continue to find opportunities. I know plenty of struggling adults who went to Ivy League schools, and successful people who went to community college, then specialized in grad school or elsewhere later on.

You have, again understandably for a parent, developed a vision for the best path forward for your son. What father wouldn’t want his son to go to Princeton or Stanford? I empathize with your confusion and frustration. I imagine you’re tearing your hair out.

But this is the great challenge of this mind-warping transition phase. As a parent myself, I foresee a time when my daughter will announce to us she has decided to become a doctor or lawyer (or better yet, a psychologist!)—which means, of course, that when she’s 18 she’ll announce to us she’s skipping college to join a punk band or travel to Antarctica to save seals. We want our kids to be safe; they want us to back off so they can test limits, take a bite out of the world, and dance near the edge. This is itself the delicate, anxious dance between teens and parents at this complicated phase.

As I often do in this column, I’ll throw out my 2 cents regarding some practical suggestions, followed by a more psychological angle.

First, talk to your son—as neutrally as possible—about what you’re seeing as the risks involved. The idea here is to model balanced decision making. Make sure he knows your “agenda” is only to talk through the decision with him. Does he know what a rare opportunity these scholarships actually are, how few kids get into these schools, for a free ride, no less? That these schools provide first-rate opportunities for networking and lifelong connection for just about any field of interest? That he could always enlist after getting his undergrad degree, or try college first and then decide? You could also talk about what assistance you can and possibly can’t provide both now and later.

Which branch of the military is he most interested in? What about it, specifically, draws him? What are they offering in terms of higher education down the road? What about any interest in specialty training? Also, to your points about his safety, is he interested in being deployed on dangerous assignments or tours of duty? If the answer is yes, would he be interested in doing some more research, such as talking to veterans who have served where he’s interested in going?

I don’t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.

I don’t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.

Empathy is the key, saith the psychotherapist. By this, I mean I would try to get as curious as you can about what draws him. Does he like the idea of discipline, training, and order? Is it weaponry and combat he’s interested in? Is it the idea of the safety of a “strong” institution to which he will belong, a new kind of family?

Listen for the hopes and yearnings more than the literal aspects. Then you might—as calmly as you can—explain why this is difficult for you (and possibly your wife). You have your own hopes and wishes for him as a caring dad.

Try to avoid a trap a lot of us fall into, which is playing the “this isn’t normal” card. Example: “It’s not normal for a kid as smart as you to enlist and blow off Stanford; it’s just not rational.” The implication there is he’s weird, an oddball, or worse. It will probably make him dig his heels in even deeper. Make your statements personal, not about “what kids your age normally do” or in the vein of “what’s really best for a guy like you, though clearly you don’t see it, is …” It’s possible he does see it and wants to do something else. Better to say, “Well, here’s what I foresee for you, and why, and I guess I just don’t get it, so help me get it.” Or, “As your dad, it makes me uneasy to think of you in harm’s way. We think that’s rare or never happens, but it does. I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying be clear about the risks.” You could also ask the gutsy question of, is his seeking out enlistment a way of compensating for something he felt he never got at home or school? You might also be listening for how he thinks this experiencing will point him toward whatever definition of manhood he has developed.

But again, be respectful, as this is his dream, his decision. You can disagree with it, but I would honor the fact the son you love finds it important.

Parenting can be extremely difficult, and it’s a never-ending duty. But sometimes kids somehow have to do the one thing they know drives us batty. It can be a test to see if they will still be loved by us in spite of their decisions, or that they are capable of making their own decisions completely free from parental influence. If there is any element of rebellion in his decision, try to be understanding rather than dead-set against it, as that puts you in opposition and back in the tug-of-war.

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to post any follow-ups to let us know what happens.

Thanks again for writing!

Best wishes,
Darren

There is no question that inheritance bequests can create significant tension and strife in families. Often, one or more of the surviving relatives feels slighted and unfairly treated. The only person, however, who has the right to decide how to leave their estate is the person creating the will.

[fat_widget_right]

Your mother may have some very clear reasons for allocating her estate the way she has. Of course it doesn’t feel fair to you—but what’s fair isn’t always right, and what’s right isn’t always fair. It may be that your mother feels that her son who stayed close and helps her out (as minimally as it may seem to you) is entitled to more of the estate. It may be that she is concerned about his ability to thrive after she is gone and is trying to make sure he is taken care of. (If this is the case, it may be that she has confidence you’ll be just fine—though I’m sure that would feel like small consolation.) It may be something else completely, but she has her reasons for making the choices she made.

You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go.

The choice you are left with, then, is how to respond. You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go. When you tried to talk with your mother, did you focus on how these choices made you feel, or did you come from the perspective of right/wrong and fair/unfair?

If you focus on how wrong or unfair her choice seems, you may be met with defensiveness and entrenchment. If you start from a place of accepting that it is her right to make these choices, but that you find her choices hurtful, you may be able to come to a better understanding. She might be able to explain her thinking in a way that makes sense to you, and she might be able to hear and respond to your pain—but not if she has to defend the “rightness” of her choices.

However you choose to approach this, I strongly recommend that you find a way to make peace with your mother before she dies. That might mean seeking personal counseling for yourself to let go of anger and resentment, or perhaps family counseling with your mother and possibly your brother. You have the opportunity to address these issues while she is here to respond. All too often, resentments are left to fester until it is too late to heal the rifts.

Best of luck,
Erika

“I am indeed rich, since my income is superior to my expenses, and my expenses are equal to my wishes.” —Edward Gibbon

Self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion are all helpful when it comes to creating inner balance and a healthy outlook. They are also prerequisites for a good relationship with money. Interestingly, one’s relationship with money often mirrors one’s relationship with oneself, as changes in either affect the other. So, if you decide to do some financial house cleaning, you will reap rewards in increased self-confidence, self-respect, and self-compassion.

Let’s take a closer look at how that actually plays out. If you are saddled with debt, for example, you can easily feel stressed, self-doubting, insecure (both financially and emotionally), strained in your relationships, and limited in future plans. Luckily, though, there is something you can do about your fiscal situation, and it’s far easier than you might think. Read Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez; there is an updated version (2008) and the original (1999), both of which should be available at your local library. It is a quick, easy read that has the power to change your relationship with money. Unlike many books preaching financial freedom, this one really shifts your perspective on some essential levels. In other words, it is not about investing—it focuses on day-to-day choices and how they impact your present and future financial life.

Let’s take one example of how financial neglect can have deleterious effects on mental and fiscal health. We all know people who say they never balance their checkbook, which is fine if it works for them. However, I think a balanced checkbook can mirror a greater feeling of balance in other areas of life, as it can be one more area that feels under control. You can’t control whether your boss fires you, if the stock market falls, or whether you suddenly get sick; however, you can decide to consciously manage your money by taking the reins of your spending habits. Every dollar you don’t spend translates to less money you need to make, which lowers your stress level.

It is amazing how modern-day life has made past luxuries into necessities. I am certainly not exempt from these societal shifts, whether it is eating chocolate daily, watching what I want when I want from Netflix, or simply doing yoga any time of day or night. And I take all these luxuries for granted. That said, the chocolate doesn’t break the bank, I subscribe to Netflix because I cut my cable years ago and bought a Leaf antenna for a one-time fee of about $35 (which saves me a small fortune yearly), and my subscription to My Yoga Online costs me only pennies per class. The point is, by making some minor changes, I cut my expenses and still enjoy three daily pleasures. With just a little forethought and intention, it is possible to live well for less.

As counterintuitive, and almost shocking, as this next tidbit might seem, there is anecdotal evidence that doing your finances will relax you. Again, it is probably the increased sense of control and mastery that accrues as you handle your money in ways that provide more choices and fewer unknowns.

Paradoxically, among those choices is giving more away. By now, most people are familiar with the studies that show a greater sense of well-being comes from being charitable. The same pleasure centers light up in the brain when you are being generous as those that light up for food and sex. It need not be writing a check—it could be volunteering or simply giving things you aren’t using to people who need them. By developing a regular practice of sharing, you will not only be helping others, but getting an endorphin high and clearing out some clutter, leaving more space for all that lovely energy to flow.

Getting back to the original concept, the more you keep your fiscal house in order, the more you will feel self-loving, self-respecting, and self-compassionate. That, coupled with a slightly different spin on your true wealth, will help you resist impulse buying (no small feat in our current point-click-buy Internet culture), and encourage you to take joy in saving, planning, and consciously choosing your purchases.

Note: Much debt in America these days is from health expenses that most people simply can’t afford no matter how diligently they might have saved. Naturally, this article is not directed at fellow travelers in those challenging and anxiety-provoking situations.

When might earning more feel like making less for women? When it comes with the emotional baggage of being the primary breadwinner in a culture where men are expected to bring home the bacon. Earning a good income should be something for women to feel proud of, right? It is an accomplishment, a deserved reward for hard work. Yet many women feel conflicted about their status and ashamed of the role reversal. And this devalues their achievement.

Many women breadwinners downplay their success. Traditional values still dictate that the male partner in a heterosexual relationship should bring home a bigger paycheck. Male self-esteem is often linked with their financial prowess, and society has yet to challenge this expectation. Women’s financial success is such a taboo topic that the high percentage of women in this country who are primary breadwinners may be a surprise to many people. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women are the sole or main breadwinners in almost a third of U.S. households. As the economy continues to falter, this percentage is predicted to climb, since unemployment has hit male-dominated fields the hardest.

Some women become primary breadwinners when they pursue a higher paying job, while their husband/partner chooses a path that offers less remuneration. A woman who is successful in real estate, for example, might earn more than her spouse who is an artist. Even if monetary success is not considered important when choosing a mate, most couples still face cultural expectations associated with this role reversal. Men can feel emasculated, women may be viewed as controlling, and both may worry about what others will think of them. A woman may resent her partner for not being able to support her, or may lose respect for him if he fails to search for better paying work, and a man may resent his breadwinner wife who seems so much more accomplished.

Women also may become sole breadwinners by default when their partner is laid off. Since the start of the recession, three out of four of those recently unemployed are men. This can be particularly devastating for families since women still only earn 78 cents to the dollar when compared to men. Women in these situations face the stress of earning the family paycheck, offering emotional support to a spouse who is often angry and demoralized, and containing their own frustration and resentment.

While ambivalence about breadwinner status may be commonplace, some women relish the opportunity. In one study, Rebecca Meisenbach interviewed female breadwinners and found that although some experienced guilt and resentment over their multiple roles, many were ambitious, took pride in their accomplishments, and enjoyed their independence. These women also found that it was critical to value their spouse’s contributions to the family, regardless of his financial success.

So how can women adjust to the primary breadwinner role, regardless of whether it is obtained by default or free choice? On the job, women need to lobby for equal pay, and challenge long-held misconceptions that men are solely responsible for their families, thereby warranting higher wages. Men and women need to resist judging one another by the size of their paycheck, and support the pursuit of a career path based on what is meaningful and fulfilling. Most importantly, couples need to communicate openly about the impact a woman’s breadwinner status has on their relationship. Partners need to remember what brought them together in the first place. Paying attention to what you enjoy and respect about your partner, how the intimacy you have can enhance your life, and how you can support each other’s career goals can hopefully offset any challenges to the relationship.

References

1. Meisenbach, Rebecca. (2009). The Female Breadwinner: Pheonomenological Experience and Gendered Identity in Work/Family Spaces. Sex Roles. Retrieved from http://www.springerlink.com/DOI: 10.1007/s11199-009-9714-5.
2. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2009). Women in the Labor Force: A Data Book. Retrieved from http://www.bls.gov.