Every January, you promise yourself this will be the year. You may think: This time, I’ll finally lose the weight, cut back on drinking, stop feeling so anxious, or fix that relationship I’ve been neglecting.

You may make it through January, but the failure rate for many New Year’s resolutions hovers around 80%. After a month or two into the new year, you might have given up on your goal and may be carrying the additional weight of disappointment and self-blame.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. More importantly, you may not be failing because you lack willpower or discipline. When you find yourself making the same resolutions year after year without lasting change, it may be time to consider a different possibility: how mental health is involved.

Why Do I Keep Failing at My New Year’s Resolutions?

If only 9% of Americans ultimately keep their resolutions, this means the vast majority of people struggle just like you do. But while fitness gurus and self-help books will tell you to set smarter goals, track your habits, or find an accountability partner, these strategies often miss a crucial truth: behavioral change is nearly impossible when underlying mental health conditions are working against you.

The Willpower Myth: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

For decades, we’ve been told that willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. But actually, the very belief that you just need more self-control may be setting you up for failure.

Success is often influenced by a combination of personality traits, environmental factors, and social contexts rather than willpower alone. In reality, when you’re battling anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, or trauma, your brain is working with fundamentally different resources.

How Mental Health Conditions Sabotage Your Goals

The resolutions you make year after year to lose weight, drink less, manage anxiety, and improve relationships aren’t random. They’re often symptoms of deeper struggles that haven’t been identified or addressed. Consider what other factors might be at play, and give yourself some newfound grace.

When Depression Derails Your Best Intentions

This year, you may plan to exercise more, eat better, or reconnect with friends. But anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues are common conditions that nearly 21 million adults in the U.S. deal with each year (as of 2021 data).

While it manifests differently from person to person, depression doesn’t just make you feel sad: it fundamentally alters your motivation, energy levels, and ability to experience pleasure. When you’re depressed, the activities that would help you feel better feel impossibly difficult.

ADHD: The Hidden Hurdle

Many adults struggle for years without realizing they have Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity (ADHD). They may just think they’re lazy, undisciplined, or fundamentally flawed. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and consistency, leading to self-sabotaging behavior like missed deadlines, emotional outbursts, or difficulty following routines.

Living with ADHD can make it difficult to reach your goals and find a routine that works. Your resolution to wake up earlier, stick to a budget, or stop procrastinating faces up against mental health factors that no amount of determination or “willpower” can overcome.

Anxiety and the Self-Sabotage Cycle

If you want to be less anxious this year, you might make resolutions to meditate, practice self-care, or “worry less.” But anxiety has a way of hijacking your best efforts, whether it’s related to politics, finances, relationships, the holidays, or more. These deep-rooted beliefs and thinking patterns can fuel all kinds of fears that can result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

Ironically, the very act of setting ambitious goals can trigger anxiety about failure, which confirms your worst fears about yourself. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break on your own. Luckily, anxiety (and depression and ADHD) is a very treatable and common condition that doesn’t have to get in your way.

Depression, ADHD, and anxiety are not the only mental health issues that can make reaching your annual goals a challenge. Substance abuse challenges, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and others might be at play. The first step, though, is doing some self-evaluation and talking to a licensed mental health professional.

What Does Self-Sabotage Really Look Like?

Getting in your own way isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t always look like giving up. Knowing the below signs of self-sabotage can equip you with the tools to interrupt your harmful patterns and start reaching your goals:

Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable, or unintelligent contribute to self-defeating behavior. These core beliefs fuel fears about performance and can cause procrastination or avoidance.

If you find yourself getting in your own way, remember: These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re often learned responses to unmet emotional needs. Plus, they’re incredibly common among people with undiagnosed mental health conditions.

How Do I Know If I Need Professional Help?

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your resolution struggles signal something deeper, try asking yourself these questions:

Prioritizing your mental health needs doesn’t have to follow a significant or traumatic event in your life. It can be the natural next step if you notice the little things adding up and your resolutions getting harder and harder to achieve.

What Can Therapy Actually Do for My Resolutions?

Despite what some may think, therapy isn’t about having someone tell you to try harder or hold you accountable. It’s about uncovering and addressing the root causes that have been affecting your efforts all along. Finding emotional healing starts with a diagnosis, if applicable, exploring root causes, and building the skills to manage your needs.

Accurate Diagnosis Changes Everything

A thorough evaluation for a specific condition, or a few, might seem scary and overwhelming. But getting an accurate diagnosis gives you clarity. Suddenly, your struggles have a name and a framework. Whether you have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or another condition, early identification improves the effectiveness of treatment and improves your overall quality of life. You’re not broken or lazy: you’re dealing with a legitimate challenge that has real solutions.

Therapy Addresses the “Why,” Not Just the “What”

Resolutions and therapy may share the same end goal of bettering yourself, but they approach it in very different ways. Resolution-setting focuses on behavior: eat less, exercise more, save money. Therapy digs into why those behaviors have been so difficult to sustain.

A skilled therapist can help you:

You Learn Skills That Last Beyond January

Therapy is not meant to give you a one-time fix for a sticky situation or a script for handling one tough conversation. Therapy approaches are long-term treatments that can be very helpful in creating lasting change. Some common frameworks include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to name a few.

Making Therapy Your Resolution This Year

This year, instead of resolving to change your behavior through just more willpower and determination, consider making a different commitment: to understand yourself better and get the support you deserve.

When finding a therapist, look for someone who:

Seeking therapy is about acknowledging that you’ve been fighting an uphill battle with limited tools and wanting to make a change, not admitting defeat. With proper treatment, you can work towards genuine self-motivation.

Take the First Step Towards a Healthier You

Change takes time, and it doesn’t have to start with a sweeping life overhaul. It can start with one phone call, one appointment, one honest conversation about what you’ve been struggling with. Setting New Year’s resolutions already proves you have the desire to change, so now it’s time to get the support that makes change possible.

Find a therapist near you who can help you understand what’s been holding you back and build a path forward that actually works for your life and your unique circumstances.

On doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us.  

-Reed Maxwell, Ph.D., ABPP (Clinical)  

One of the most common obstacles people confront in psychotherapy, especially in therapies using behavioral techniques, is inertia. 

In physics, inertia means (1) a thing that is not moving will stay not moving; or, (2) a thing that is moving in a specific direction will stay moving in that direction unless or until some force compels either one to do differently. 

When we feel depressed or otherwise down, apathetic, helpless, and so on, we often experience a psychological inertia of sorts. We find it difficult to do things that we know would be good for us to do (we stay at rest), or conversely, we find it difficult to stop doing things that we know are not good for us to do (we stay in motion). Depression seems to quash our capacity (force) to do differently. It renders us inert. For simplicity, we will use “depression” as shorthand for a spectrum of negative feelings. 

People often express their experience of inertia by saying, in one way or another, “I know I should do differently, but I can’t seem to make myself.” Oftentimes, people feel additional guilt, shame, and anger at themselves about this experience. These additional feelings make matters worse. 

Wanting: The Missing Link Between Knowing and Doing? 

When I ask folks why they cannot “make themselves” do things, they might say, in one way or another, “I want to do it, but I also don’t ‘want’ to do it.” They seem to mean, “I know I would do well to do this, but I don’t have the want required to make the doing happen.” Many people seem to pinpoint a lack of want as the missing link between (a) knowing or believing that doing a thing would be good for them; and, (b) doing the thing. 

So why does want go away? To put it roughly, when we feel depressed, we often feel less satisfied, gratified, pleased, and so on, by the things we do. And naturally, when we feel fewer or less of these feelings after we do those things, we experience less interest in doing or motivation to do them. Psychologists call this lack of interest or motivation anhedonia. 

And yet, we know there are some things we simply must do. Furthermore, we often surmise we might at least stave off worse feelings if we do some of them. 

And so, we ask ourselves, “How do we do things that would be good for us to do when we don’t want to do them?” There is no simple answer, but, I have some thoughts. 

Some of what follows might strike some readers as overly dense, abstract, or otherwise “heady.” Please bear with me. 

Does Not Wanting to Do Mean We Can’t Do? A Cognitive Approach

First, let’s talk about what it means to want. Sometimes, we do things in life because we want the experiences of doing them. For example, we want to eat our favorite foods because we want the experiences of eating them, and we want to listen to our favorite songs because we want the experiences of listening to them. On the other hand, we do many other things in life without wanting the experiences of doing them. For example, we wash our bedding, clean our toilets, pay our bills and so forth, often without wanting the experiences of doing them. We do such things because we want the outcomes or effects of doing them (e.g., fresh bedding, clean toilets, paid bills and so forth). 

In effect, we either want to do a thing for the sake of doing it or we want to do a thing for the sake of its consequence(s) or outcome(s). 

From what I have observed, depression disrupts either or both types of want. Sometimes, less severe depression seems to diminish the first type of want (wanting to do a thing for the sake of doing it) while leaving the second type (wanting to do a thing for the sake of its outcome) mostly unimpacted. On the other hand, more severe depression seems to disrupt both. 

When depression takes away want, we might look at how we can start doing without wanting. 

As we have noted, many folks seem to believe, without question, that wanting must or should come before doing. Consequently, we fret about our lack of wanting (e.g., we berate ourselves for “not caring enough” or for “being unmotivated”) when we feel depressed, and we hope that we will start wanting again so that we can start doing again. Many times, this fretting about not wanting and waiting to want again only worsens our depression. In these times, our belief that wanting must or should come before doing gets in our way (i.e., it leads us to feel unhelpful secondary emotions about our lack of want) 

Getting Wanting Out of the Way 

Can we move away from the belief that we must or should want to do before we can do and move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not? If we can, then we might surprise ourselves with what we can do after we (1) stop fretting about not wanting; and, (2) stop waiting to want to do again. 

However, the belief that wanting must or should come before doing is a deep belief for many of us. So, we might begin to counter this belief using cognitive and behavioral strategies that help us start doing things again when wanting to do them is not happening. For example, here are two affirmations to help us move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not: 

1. “I am not bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not wanting to do things at the moment.” 

1. “I am able to do even if I do not want to do” 

From here, psychotherapy can help us further strategize how to get things done without want. 

Find a “Workaround” Want 

Sometimes, if we do not want to do a thing for either the experience of doing it or the outcome(s) that happen(s) from doing it, we might be able to associate doing it with some other experience or outcome that we do want. We can then use this “workaround want” to help us do the thing. Here are some examples of workaround wants: 

• T. does not want to clean their home, but they do want to listen to the latest episode of their favorite podcast, so they listen to the episode while cleaning their home. 

• D. does not want to play board games with their friends this week, but they do want to meet their goal for weekly socializing, so they play board games with their friends in order to meet their goal. 

Psychotherapy can help us identify our unique workaround wants that we can use to help us do things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us. 

Appeal to Reason 

Sometimes, an appeal to reason or logic might compel us to do things whether we want to do them or not. We may consider this line of reasoning where X stands for anything that would be good for us to do: 

1. We have evidence that not doing X means that we feel or will feel either the same or worse than we presently do 

1. We do not know how we will feel if we do X consistently (e.g., for one week or longer) 

1. Not wanting to do X right now is not evidence that doing X consistently will make us feel no differently from how we feel right now (see WE UNDERESTIMATE THE REWARD WE WILL FEEL) 

1. If continuing to not do X means feeling the same or worse, and doing X consistently means we might feel differently, then it is reasonable to do X consistently whether we want to do it or not (i.e., it is reasonable to find out what will happen) 

We Underestimate the Reward We Will Feel 

Most of us can remember a time or times when we did something we either (a) did not want to do; or, (b) had never done before, and were pleasantly surprised by how much fun we had, how interesting it was, and so on. 

Oftentimes, I ask people to consider these times when they feel depressed and do not want to do things they either know or at least suspect would be good for them to do. 

Researchers and experienced therapists agree that we often underestimate the amount of satisfaction we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. 

Consequently, we have good reason to assume that we will feel better than we think we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. We can use this assumption to help us do things when we do not want to do them while depressed. 

Summary

As we have noted, doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the most common and recurring problems folks encounter in psychotherapy. Nevertheless, psychotherapy can help us find ways to overcome psychological inertia and get back to doing the things that are good for us to do. 

 

Understanding human motivation has been one of the goals of psychology founding fathers and current theorists to date. Motivation is often at the core of studying psychological processes in humans and understanding why we do the things we do.

Motivation is defined as “the process of arousing, directing, and maintaining behavior toward a goal” (Greenberg, 2002). Although this definition seems simple, human motivation is often more complex. In light of the current crisis situation we all find ourselves in amid the COVID-19 pandemic, how can one understand their own motivations and the motivations of others?

One way to understand this is to apply a classic theory of human motivation: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The basic premise of the theory is that “people will not be happy or well-adjusted unless they have their needs met” (Greenberg, 2002). Not only are humans motivated by meeting their needs, but their needs are ordered in such a way that if basic needs aren’t met first, then humans will not have the motivation to meet needs that aren’t considered basic. Basic needs are described as lower-order needs, while needs beyond basic are described as higher-order needs.

Motivation and the Five Stages of Needs

In order to understand these hierarchical needs in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, let’s look at each need individually.

1. Physiological needs

The lowest order needs involve satisfying biological needs such as water, shelter, and food. Not only does this level of need require meeting basic needs, but it also requires that one’s body is healthy. A healthy body is also achieved through the proper amount of sleep, exercise, and appropriate balance of healthy foods, free of toxic substances.

2. Safety needs

Once one’s basic needs are met, Maslow believed that the next level of needs are triggered in an individual. The need for safety includes functioning in an environment that is physically and psychologically safe. In addition, the environment must be free of harm or perceived harm.

3. Social needs

These needs are activated once the first two needs are met. According to Maslow’s theory, if the first two needs are not met, then the person will not be activated to achieve higher order needs such as social needs. This need involves feeling loved by others and belonging to a social group. As social beings, humans have the need to connect with others.

4. Esteem needs

Once one feels accepted by their peers, the next higher-order need can be activated. The esteem need is characterized by feeling successful and having others recognize one’s accomplishments.

5. Self-actualization needs

The highest-order need for humans, once all of the above needs are met, is self-actualization. This need involves pursuing one’s maximum level of creativity and becoming all that one is intended to be.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the COVID-19 Pandemic

1. Physiological needs during COVID-19

The current state of our world right now has caused many people to be motivated by more basic needs than they were before this pandemic. Due to the fact that many people’s employment situations have changed, meeting basic needs might now be more of a priority than it was before.

In addition, now that many people are on stay-at-home orders, the option of going to the gym or other things that one typically does to stay physiologically healthy might not be available at this time. Finding creative ways to keep yourself healthy might be all that you can focus on right now, and that is okay.

Do

Try to meet your basic needs first.

Don’t

Engage in activities that are unhealthy for the body and the mind.

2. Safety needs during COVID-19

If you are fortunate enough to not have to worry about meeting your basic physiological needs during this crisis, you are now motivated to achieve safety. For some, depending on the area you live in and the rate of infection, staying safe and keeping your family safe is your main motivation right now, and that makes the most sense. In addition, if you are an essential worker or married to an essential worker or medical professional, you will most likely be striving to meet this safety need throughout the crisis.

Do

Educate yourself about the facts about the rate of infection in your area.

Don’t

Put pressure on yourself to achieve higher order needs.

3. Social needs during COVID-19

Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have your basic needs met. Given your current profession and financial situation, this crisis has not greatly affected your basic needs or your safety needs. You most likely live in an area that is not dense in population or rate of infection.

Based on this, you can now focus on having your social needs met. During the current social distancing orders, it might be hard to achieve this goal. If you are at home with a loving family, these needs are met by them. If you are in a home with others, but the environment is not connected, then this time may be particularly challenging for you.

Do

Attempt to connect with others in your home daily through family activities. Attempt to connect with others outside of your home through virtual means such as FaceTime, group chats, and positive social media outlets.

Don’t

Ignore the attempts for connection from healthy members of your family.

Don’t

Assume that passive involvement in social media is satisfying social needs.

4. Esteem needs during COVID-19

If you are fortunate enough to have your basic, safety, and social needs met during this time of crisis, your next motivation on the order of needs (according to Maslow) is the need to achieve success and have others recognize your achievements. During this time, these types of needs might not be able to be met because many members of our culture are focused on meeting more basic needs. If you are currently working, you might be having these needs met by supervisors or peers. If you are in a loving home, perhaps your family members are encouraging you in your efforts at quarantine.

Do

Encourage family members and other peers in their current efforts at surviving this pandemic.

Do

Consider giving back to others who are struggling to meet basic needs. Altruism or the act of giving back to others in need was associated with “better life adjustment, better marital adjustment, and less hopelessness and depression” (Southwick & Charney, 2018). This might be a way to meet your esteem needs while also giving back to others who are working hard on the front lines of this pandemic.

Don’t

Meet your esteem needs through others’ achievements, especially your children. According to Maslow, a human can only meet these high order needs through their own accomplishments. Basing your happiness on how your children are doing puts too much pressure on them, especially during a time of such uncertainty.

5. Self-actualization needs during COVID-19

According to Maslow, this need occurs when all other needs are met sufficiently. In the light of the current crisis that most of the nation is facing right now, the majority of people are not able to focus on these higher-order needs.

Do

Be creative about how you can give back to and help others who are struggling.

Don’t

Assume that all others are able to focus on their creativity at this time.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is one theory in many theories of human motivation. Some critics have questioned his theory, and like any theory in psychology, there are other competing theories of motivation. If you are interested in this topic, you can also check out this article.

If you are finding yourself struggling to cope during this time, consider finding a therapist in your area or online.

References:

1. Greenberg, J. (2002). Managing behavior in organizations. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall
2. Southwick, S. M., & Charney, D. S. (2012). Resilience: The science of mastering life’s greatest challenges. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.

People who can be described as “Type A” come in all forms and disciplines. If you tend toward Type A characteristics, chances are you already know that about yourself, as may those around you. You are driven, motivated, energized, and enthusiastic. You may already be quite accomplished, but there are always new challenges awaiting you, and the prospect of preparation and execution in tackling them is thrilling.

That is the good news. The bad news is that Type A people are often overwhelmed with the stress of urgency. They feel rushed, tend towards workaholism and competitiveness, lack adequate sleep or downtime, and don’t participate enough in other activities necessary for rest and recuperation.

A Closer Look at the Type A Personality

Most people think of high-profile celebrities, such as reality stars, journalists, business people, and artists as classic Type A personalities. But did you know that Type A people come from all walks of life? The tendency to be driven and tirelessly ambitious knows no discrimination across cultures, occupations, and socioeconomic status.

Is being Type A a necessity for success? I would say no. But people who are Type A often have a lot of energy and drive to put into whatever task presents itself. They are highly motivated to accomplish goals and succeed, often as efficiently and quickly as possible, so they can move on to the next challenge.

When Your Mind Is Motivated, but Your Body Can’t Keep Up

What happens when your ambition exceeds your physical capabilities?

Maybe you have a Type A mind in a body that lacks the same vigor. This is a rather common occurrence, but it leaves many people feeling frustrated. It is especially discouraging if there was a time of life when you did have the energy and physical capacity to drive your body as fast as you wanted.

Often, I see people in my practice whose bodies decided it was time to slow down while their minds did not experience a similar awakening. Having a body that is less tolerant of stress can be a natural reaction to being pushed through countless deadlines, nights of inadequate sleep, few vacations, too much caffeine and sugar to stimulate the body’s energy, and too little time to eat nutritious food.

How to Nurture an Energized Mind and a Tired Body

If this sounds even a little like you, there are steps you can take to manage your Type A tendencies to achieve your goals while honoring your body’s needs to minimize stress or harm.

1. Make your Type A personality traits work for your health.

Schedule regular bodywork, exercise that is not too strenuous, and a regular bedtime. Use your drive and motivation to tend to your body. If shopping and cooking healthy food is not your thing, consider some of the many food delivery services that do all of the shopping and prep for you.

Having a body that is less tolerant of stress can be a natural reaction to being pushed through countless deadlines, nights of inadequate sleep, few vacations, too much caffeine and sugar to stimulate the body’s energy, and too little time to eat nutritious food.

Think about caring for your body as one of your many tasks. See how you can fold self-care and optimal health into your naturally hard-driving inclinations.

2. Make bedtime a priority.

Few things are more critical to optimal physical and emotional well-being than sleep. If your sleep is not adequate in time or quality, that will affect everything else you do throughout the day. You may be too tired to exercise, unable to attend to your hunger cues effectively, and unable to concentrate or function without excess sugar or caffeine.

3. Keep moving, but slow it down.

In Yiddish, there is a word called shpilkes. People who have shpilkes are those who have a lot of “get-up-and-go.” They don’t want to stop moving and are always ready to take on the next thing once a task is completed (and maybe even before that).

That may be true of your Type A mind, and you do not have to give that up. It is possible to continue being productive and inspired despite a tired body. Non-strenuous activity can be particularly beneficial when you feel very tired or sluggish. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to take a rest day or week, or even a little time off during the day to eat your food, take a walk, visit with a friend, or to self-reflect. But generally, even when you feel very tired, and despite your obligations, keep it moving. Just slow it down.

4. Be kind to yourself.

It is normal to feel frustrated with yourself when your body will not comply with all you are demanding of it. Those are the times it is most essential for you to encourage your body and your Self.

You may naturally feel the urge to criticize yourself, especially if you find you are unable to complete tasks and meet work demands. But altering your focus to pay attention to what you are doing well can help shift your energy in a more positive direction.

5. Journal, talk to someone regularly about your feelings, or speak with a therapist.

Voicing irritation, urgency about reaching your goals, and disappointments in your body’s limits may help take the “teeth” out of your frustration. When you express your emotions, verbally or in writing, you may be more likely to slow down the hamster wheel of thoughts racing through your mind.

Speaking with a therapist or counselor about this frustration can also help you reconcile your capabilities with your ambitions. Therapists are there to support you in reaching your goals and can help you incorporate healthy habits into your daily routine.

You will also be able to reflect on your responses, an activity which may reveal that your stress responses are not always necessary. You can still accomplish your goals at a pace that is more productive for your body once you ease any resentment towards yourself.

It is possible to thrive with a Type A mind and a body that needs more care to function at full capacity. The key is in honoring your body’s needs. This may mean taking more time than you would prefer to care for your physical self, but in return, you may be rewarded with higher levels of functioning and energy and much-needed rest for your mind. The payoff is often well worth the effort.

Most people have days when they feel less inspired or motivated than usual. Many of us feel our best less often than we would like to. Words of encouragement can be a helpful tool for getting out of a slump. Encouragement has been linked to higher success in completion of goals, improved self-esteem, and increased openness.

Whether you are trying to improve your current mood or searching for inspiration to start your week, begin here! You can download these quotes for yourself or share them on social media. For more, follow GoodTherapy.org on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram!

One key to staying motivated is accepting that failure is a part of growth. If you are trying to reach a goal, you will likely fall short at some point. We all fail, and that is okay—it is part of being human. What matters more than the failure itself is how you respond to it. Do you give up, or try again? We hope these quotes encourage you to accept shortcomings, learn from mistakes, and strive toward your goals regardless of imperfection. [fat_widget_right]

Sometimes, it takes more than reading motivational quotes to feel energized. If you feel sad, lonely, or stuck in a rut you can’t get out of alone, there is help. Talking to a therapist or counselor can be the extra push that helps you get unstuck.

In therapy, you may be able to learn what is causing you to feel discouraged. A therapist can help you discover if a mental health issue is adding to these feelings. They may also teach you skills that can help improve motivation and energy.

Reference:

Wong, Y. J. (2015, February 23). The psychology of encouragement: Theory, research, and applications. The Counseling Psychologist, 43(2), 178-216. doi: 10.1177/0011000014545091

During a recent ski vacation, a fall on the slopes quickly changed the agenda from enjoying the great outdoors and thrill seeking to managing a knee brace and physical therapy. It’s certainly not how anyone wants to spend their vacation, yet there was a small silver lining. During discussions regarding how to care for and heal a damaged knee, I was introduced to a helpful little mantra from the world of physiotherapy: “Motion is lotion.”

What does this mean? In a nutshell, MOVE! When we walk, for example, the space between the joints of the knee compresses and expands. This movement causes fluid to flow in and out of the cartilage, providing nutrients it needs to be healthy. Hence, motion gives vitality and healing properties to what is unhealthy, like lotion to cracked and dry hands.

“Motion is lotion.” This catchy little saying seemed to stick in my brain as soon as I heard it. I found myself repeating it throughout the remainder of the trip. The more I said it, the more I thought about how this message could be applied to the psychology world.[fat_widget_right]

How Low Self-Esteem Can Paralyze Us

Upon returning to my practice at the start of a new year, some of my conversations with people focused on goals or actions they believed would positively affect their lives. Thinking through the steps to achieve goals or to make changes can be overwhelming. Sometimes the tasks are decluttering, downsizing, or cleaning-out-the-basement-type goals. Others are health-related changes such as learning yoga or losing weight. Regardless, moving ourselves forward to do anything can feel like pushing a boulder up a mountain.

Our current state of mental health can make action difficult. We may feel “paralyzed” or “stuck,” seemingly unable to take a step toward positive change. When these feelings persist, they may be the effects of depression and anxiety working together. Anxiety causes us to feel restless and worried. An internal voice often accompanies these emotions, saying, “What are you waiting for? Something bad is going to happen. Do something now!” Depression may affect us in the opposite way, leaving us with fatigue, concentration problems, and feelings of guilt or shame. This internal voice says, “What is the point? It’s only going to be a complete failure, and you’ll be right back to where you started from. Don’t bother!” The pull of opposing forces can keep us locked in one place.

We can also be held back by the fear of failure, not allowing ourselves the luxury to make mistakes. To engage in life only when we feel we are assured success not only narrows the world in which we live, but also opens us up for tremendous disappointment when the inevitable happens. Not everything goes as planned.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we can recognize our value and worth despite what happens around us.

If we allow how we feel about ourselves to rise and fall in step with life events, chances are we are struggling with low self-esteem. For example, when we finally get a raise, we feel great about ourselves and our level of competence. Then our coworker points out a mistake in our year-end report, that great feeling plummets and we mentally attack ourselves. If we can’t find a way out of that slump until the next happy event, we may find ourselves stuck on an emotional roller coaster. Attaching our self-worth to events in our day-to-day life sets us up for low self-esteem, which can contribute to depression, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we can recognize our value and worth despite what happens around us. Healthy self-esteem can give us the ability to move forward and withstand the ups and downs we face. When we aren’t supportive and kind to the person we see in the mirror, everything we try to do can seem like an enormous challenge.

The First Step Is Often the Hardest

When formalizing a plan to reach a goal, we need to look at the whole picture. We may be overwhelmed by all the time and effort the plan will take, the people involved, the cost, etc. What appears helpful in theory may suddenly become an enormous storm cloud. Who would want to take a step forward into all of that?

Change can’t occur without some form of action.

Breaking the goal down into smaller steps allows it to look more manageable and feel more attainable. Yet even this helpful strategy sometimes doesn’t motivate us into action. This is where our new mantra, “motion is lotion,” can prove helpful.

Change can’t occur without some form of action. To move requires one small step, and one small step is “lotion” to whatever we are trying to improve.

Consider the effort it sometimes takes to get ourselves to the gym. How much time do we spend talking ourselves into (and out of) going? Yet, chances are, the first step that gets us into the gym gives us a surge of motivation to continue. After our workout, we may feel more confident about ourselves and our ability to improve our health. Put another way, that first step could be considered the antidote to what ailed us.

The same theory applies to our efforts toward personal change. We can consider the first steps to be the lotion to what needs healed, the salve to what hurts, and the confidence to improve our lives.

How to Get Moving

If you could apply a lotion to your thoughts and feelings to give you happiness and fulfillment, would you slather it on? If you could be assured that a specific action toward a goal would feel good, would that action be worth it? If one step, even a small step, would give you an incremental positive feeling, would you do it?

If our new mantra has made a comfortable little space in your brain by now, why not consider trying a “motion is lotion” experiment? Grab a journal and write your thoughts about goals or changes you want to tackle.

What steps do you need to take to achieve these goals? Be sure to create steps that are attainable. They should be large enough to feel momentum but small enough that you don’t become overwhelmed. You can include other mantras, words of inspiration, or reminders of why this goal is important. As you prepare for the first step, write down how this “motion” will be the “lotion” for what you want to heal, change, or improve.

Return to your journal after step one. Add additional thoughts and feelings that inspire you to keep going. Continue to assess how the action of each step feels and how it changes the way you see yourself. Look at how it brings you closer to healing, health, fulfillment, and joy.

For help with these steps, as well as exploring your thoughts and feelings, seek the assistance of a licensed counselor.

We all have things we’d like to accomplish. However, many of us struggle at times in the pursuit of our goals. We lack motivation, have no energy to get started, or don’t know where to begin. We procrastinate or find excuses. Then we judge ourselves harshly for being “lazy” or “slacking.” Sometimes all we need is a jump-start, a strategy or two to get us moving when we’re feeling stuck or we’ve been idling too long.

Here are some tried-and-true ideas:

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1. Set a timer for 15 minutes. You know those clothes that came out of the dryer and need to be folded? Or the dishes that magically appeared in the sink? Instead of secretly wishing those things would disappear, challenge yourself and make a game of it. See how much you can accomplish in just 15 minutes; set the timer and go! You may be surprised at the number of things you can complete in a short period of time, especially when you’re racing against the clock. It also helps to know there is an end to the chore. In just 15 minutes, it will be done. Or, by then, you will have tricked yourself into continuing, because you’re on a roll and find you want to complete the task rather than leave some of it undone.
2. Buddy up. You’ve promised yourself that you’re going to wake up early and go for morning walks, but that pledge was made a month ago and you still haven’t found your sneakers. Find a partner to keep you accountable. Ask those around you if they’d be interested in doing the same thing. Once you find one or two “buddies,” decide to check in with each other the night before to keep yourselves on track. Self-motivation can be difficult. Send reminders and support one another.
3. Same time, same place. Consistency helps with motivation. If you intend to read more, decide on a location and time that you can devote to reading regularly. It might be picking your favorite corner of a coffee shop at noon or the comfy chair in your living room at 8 p.m. each evening. Have your book at the ready and devote an hour or so to fulfilling your intention. By being consistent, you may be less likely to hesitate or compromise and allow other things to get in the way. If you have a project you need to work on (college applications, cleaning your closets, putting together a presentation) and you find yourself doing anything and everything to avoid it, schedule a consistent block of time each day to chip away at it. An example would be setting aside 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. daily until the project is complete. You may find yourself devoting less time to debating yourself and more time to doing. One important thing to note: there is often no ideal time or place. If you’re waiting for that, you may never get started. Just go with what works and take it from there.
4. Go public. This can be scary, for sure, but words have so much power. Once you declare what you want to accomplish, you may have more energy behind what you set out to do. You might be surprised to receive the support of others. While that may not always be the case, you can even be fueled by naysayers. Adopt an “I’ll show them!” attitude and devote more attention to what you want to see happen. When you own your goals in a big way, when you aren’t whispering them into the wind, you may be more likely to take big steps in accordance with them.
5. Set up a reward. Go ahead, wave that “carrot”! Think about how you could reward yourself, either at intervals or upon completion. A reward could be as simple as getting up and getting a cup of coffee after you complete some paperwork, or buying a new pair of jeans upon achieving a weight-loss goal. Remind yourself that the reward is something you know you’d really enjoy, even more so having earned it.
6. Remove obstacles. Do what you can to set the stage for success. For example, if you’re seeking to work on your taxes, gather all that you might need prior to beginning the project rather than approaching it piecemeal, which may only serve to frustrate you. If you’re trying to make it to an early workout class, lay out your workout clothes the night before and have your bottle of water ready to go in the refrigerator. You want to be able to get up and go rather than face obstacles like not being able to find your shirt in the dark. Another example might be thinking about beginning therapy. Find a therapist whose schedule can accommodate you, whose office isn’t too far from home or work, or who accepts your insurance so you don’t find the cost prohibitive. [amazon_affiliate]
7. Know your “why.” Give some thought to what you will gain as result of taking the action you’re considering. Your “why” needs to be for you and not someone else. Having clarity around it may enable you to break through the inertia that held you back. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, describes the “why” as the higher cause, the vision you have. The mechanics of what you are setting out to do, the “what” and the “how,” are lifted to a new level of meaning when you know your “why,” thereby inspiring you to take action with a greater sense of purpose.

Don’t assume you’ll suddenly become motivated. Utilize one or more of these strategies to begin moving forward. Sometimes all you need is to take the first step or two to begin building the momentum you want to see.

Reference:

Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

You’re feeling lousy? Good.

While it’s awful to be struggling, it’s also necessary. The pain is the signal you’ve been waiting for—that you’re motivated to change. No one ever woke up from a refreshing nap, looked at their lovely house and loving family, and said, “I really need to change my life in a difficult and lasting way.” It’s only when we’re suffering that we tend to dig in and do the hard work of choosing a new way to exist.

Whether the adjustment you want is small (to exercise a bit more) or large (leaving your relationship), whether it’s long-term (learning to love yourself) or temporary (finding the courage to ask for a raise), creating change means first figuring out why you haven’t done it in the past. Secondly, it means modifying your thoughts and your actions every day, maybe even every minute. This is difficult stuff. It takes determination and commitment.

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Which is why most people don’t do it. Real change is rare. People often start projects and then abandon them, because starting is exciting but continuing takes constant attention. This is where pain unexpectedly becomes a positive force. When you’re miserable, the discomfort pushes you to keep going with your new life plan, and see it through, because the stress of changing feels better than the despair of never changing.

Distracting from Pain Increases the Pain

Without pain as an incentive, many of us push away the bad feelings we get from whatever behavior is causing us grief. Your partner is distant and critical? Drink more to forget about it. Your job is unfulfilling? Veg out each night with potato chips and Netflix. It’s easier to numb ourselves to the pain, so we try that, maybe for years on end.

By distracting all the pain away, however, we can’t ever be in the moment (we’re too busy chilling out with Reddit or diverted by Twitter) and so we end up missing life. The idea of feeling an uncomfortable feeling is so scary that we run away from it, worried the emotion will overwhelm or devastate us.

If you’re so cut off from what you feel that you can’t name it, you can convince yourself it’s either not important enough (“I couldn’t possibly still be upset about what happened when I was 12”) or that it isn’t fixable (“If I don’t even know for sure what it is, why bother thinking about it?”) or that it will overwhelm you (“If I open the floodgates, I won’t ever be able to stop being angry”).

But what if the pain isn’t devastating? What if it has something to tell us?

Step 1: Mindfulness

What you don’t realize in that moment is that knowledge is change—or, at the very least, the first step toward healing. Feeling the pain is also called being mindful or being in the moment.

The practice of mindfulness helps to identify and tolerate uncomfortable emotions. The work is to notice you’re having an emotion, acknowledge it is there, and not try to push it away but merely sit with it. It’s tougher than it sounds. I recommend taking a class, contacting a professional, or using online resources such as those at UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center.

That little kid is still inside, yearning for comfort and approval and unconditional love. At this moment, you are the only person who can provide that.

Step 2: Acceptance of the Pain

Another step in mindfulness is to accept that you feel the pain. Acceptance is often confused with resignation. Resigning yourself to bad feelings means being stuck with them and in them, with no options or hope. Acceptance, instead, means letting go of the illusion of control.

Acceptance says, “I’m okay right here. Even when it hurts, I won’t be destroyed. And by giving my pain a chance to breathe, I will understand it better, give it words, and uncover parts of it that have been so deeply buried I didn’t even know they were there.”

Step 3: Integration

The process will be difficult. But it’s not until you know yourself fully and accept all the pieces of yourself—good and bad—that you can be fully formed. It’s a process therapists call integration, to join together all the different parts of yourself and stop rejecting the pieces you think aren’t good enough. The parts that hurt or you’re ashamed of.

Often, what we’re running away from when we distract is something we dislike about ourselves, a perceived fault, or an anxiety. By confronting the idea that even our laziness, our extra weight, our selfishness are all normal, tolerable elements of ourselves, we can finally find a way to like ourselves.

Step 4: Learning to Comfort Yourself

Learning to like ourselves can be achieved by practicing and envisioning being loving toward ourselves. In the past, someone, parents or peers, likely shamed you about actions you took or feelings you expressed. You were taught by people or society that to feel sad, or to express anger, or to fail at anything is bad. So anytime you didn’t measure up, you covered up. That little kid is still inside, yearning for comfort and approval and unconditional love. At this moment, you are the only person who can provide that.

The process is, again, to sit with the parts of yourself that are hurting. But now, as opposed to when you were just being mindful and accepting, you embrace those parts and comfort that younger self. It’s often called “inner child” work, and is best accomplished with the help of a therapist or a guide such as this one.

Really knowing your own story, all of it, allows you to start rewriting it. “I was hurt in the past, I ran away from the hurt by drinking too much, and now instead of running I can comfort myself and choose better ways to deal.” What better mantra for the year ahead?