Every January, you promise yourself this will be the year. You may think: This time, I’ll finally lose the weight, cut back on drinking, stop feeling so anxious, or fix that relationship I’ve been neglecting.

You may make it through January, but the failure rate for many New Year’s resolutions hovers around 80%. After a month or two into the new year, you might have given up on your goal and may be carrying the additional weight of disappointment and self-blame.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. More importantly, you may not be failing because you lack willpower or discipline. When you find yourself making the same resolutions year after year without lasting change, it may be time to consider a different possibility: how mental health is involved.

Why Do I Keep Failing at My New Year’s Resolutions?

If only 9% of Americans ultimately keep their resolutions, this means the vast majority of people struggle just like you do. But while fitness gurus and self-help books will tell you to set smarter goals, track your habits, or find an accountability partner, these strategies often miss a crucial truth: behavioral change is nearly impossible when underlying mental health conditions are working against you.

The Willpower Myth: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

For decades, we’ve been told that willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. But actually, the very belief that you just need more self-control may be setting you up for failure.

Success is often influenced by a combination of personality traits, environmental factors, and social contexts rather than willpower alone. In reality, when you’re battling anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, or trauma, your brain is working with fundamentally different resources.

How Mental Health Conditions Sabotage Your Goals

The resolutions you make year after year to lose weight, drink less, manage anxiety, and improve relationships aren’t random. They’re often symptoms of deeper struggles that haven’t been identified or addressed. Consider what other factors might be at play, and give yourself some newfound grace.

When Depression Derails Your Best Intentions

This year, you may plan to exercise more, eat better, or reconnect with friends. But anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues are common conditions that nearly 21 million adults in the U.S. deal with each year (as of 2021 data).

While it manifests differently from person to person, depression doesn’t just make you feel sad: it fundamentally alters your motivation, energy levels, and ability to experience pleasure. When you’re depressed, the activities that would help you feel better feel impossibly difficult.

ADHD: The Hidden Hurdle

Many adults struggle for years without realizing they have Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity (ADHD). They may just think they’re lazy, undisciplined, or fundamentally flawed. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and consistency, leading to self-sabotaging behavior like missed deadlines, emotional outbursts, or difficulty following routines.

Living with ADHD can make it difficult to reach your goals and find a routine that works. Your resolution to wake up earlier, stick to a budget, or stop procrastinating faces up against mental health factors that no amount of determination or “willpower” can overcome.

Anxiety and the Self-Sabotage Cycle

If you want to be less anxious this year, you might make resolutions to meditate, practice self-care, or “worry less.” But anxiety has a way of hijacking your best efforts, whether it’s related to politics, finances, relationships, the holidays, or more. These deep-rooted beliefs and thinking patterns can fuel all kinds of fears that can result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

Ironically, the very act of setting ambitious goals can trigger anxiety about failure, which confirms your worst fears about yourself. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break on your own. Luckily, anxiety (and depression and ADHD) is a very treatable and common condition that doesn’t have to get in your way.

Depression, ADHD, and anxiety are not the only mental health issues that can make reaching your annual goals a challenge. Substance abuse challenges, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and others might be at play. The first step, though, is doing some self-evaluation and talking to a licensed mental health professional.

What Does Self-Sabotage Really Look Like?

Getting in your own way isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t always look like giving up. Knowing the below signs of self-sabotage can equip you with the tools to interrupt your harmful patterns and start reaching your goals:

Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable, or unintelligent contribute to self-defeating behavior. These core beliefs fuel fears about performance and can cause procrastination or avoidance.

If you find yourself getting in your own way, remember: These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re often learned responses to unmet emotional needs. Plus, they’re incredibly common among people with undiagnosed mental health conditions.

How Do I Know If I Need Professional Help?

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your resolution struggles signal something deeper, try asking yourself these questions:

Prioritizing your mental health needs doesn’t have to follow a significant or traumatic event in your life. It can be the natural next step if you notice the little things adding up and your resolutions getting harder and harder to achieve.

What Can Therapy Actually Do for My Resolutions?

Despite what some may think, therapy isn’t about having someone tell you to try harder or hold you accountable. It’s about uncovering and addressing the root causes that have been affecting your efforts all along. Finding emotional healing starts with a diagnosis, if applicable, exploring root causes, and building the skills to manage your needs.

Accurate Diagnosis Changes Everything

A thorough evaluation for a specific condition, or a few, might seem scary and overwhelming. But getting an accurate diagnosis gives you clarity. Suddenly, your struggles have a name and a framework. Whether you have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or another condition, early identification improves the effectiveness of treatment and improves your overall quality of life. You’re not broken or lazy: you’re dealing with a legitimate challenge that has real solutions.

Therapy Addresses the “Why,” Not Just the “What”

Resolutions and therapy may share the same end goal of bettering yourself, but they approach it in very different ways. Resolution-setting focuses on behavior: eat less, exercise more, save money. Therapy digs into why those behaviors have been so difficult to sustain.

A skilled therapist can help you:

You Learn Skills That Last Beyond January

Therapy is not meant to give you a one-time fix for a sticky situation or a script for handling one tough conversation. Therapy approaches are long-term treatments that can be very helpful in creating lasting change. Some common frameworks include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to name a few.

Making Therapy Your Resolution This Year

This year, instead of resolving to change your behavior through just more willpower and determination, consider making a different commitment: to understand yourself better and get the support you deserve.

When finding a therapist, look for someone who:

Seeking therapy is about acknowledging that you’ve been fighting an uphill battle with limited tools and wanting to make a change, not admitting defeat. With proper treatment, you can work towards genuine self-motivation.

Take the First Step Towards a Healthier You

Change takes time, and it doesn’t have to start with a sweeping life overhaul. It can start with one phone call, one appointment, one honest conversation about what you’ve been struggling with. Setting New Year’s resolutions already proves you have the desire to change, so now it’s time to get the support that makes change possible.

Find a therapist near you who can help you understand what’s been holding you back and build a path forward that actually works for your life and your unique circumstances.

by David Panahi, Licensed Professional Counselor

3 Steps to Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

We are our worst critics. The things we say to ourselves are often far more damaging than what others say to us. I have battled negative self-talk for most of my life, and it affected my mood, energy level, and productivity. Most of us hope that life will be exciting and adventurous, but our inner critic ruins anything good.

That self-criticism brings a “yes, but” mentality to whatever is happening in our lives at the moment. “Yes, it is great that you graduated school, but who is going to give you a job?” “Yeah, you lost ten pounds, but you’re going to gain it again in no time.” Negative self-talk refuses to see the positive in what is happening, constantly focusing on doom and gloom. This does us no favors.

It’s easy to give in to self-criticism. The following steps are ways that I recommend my clients in therapy who are dealing with negativity.

1. Acknowledge when you’re engaging in negative self-talk.

Dr. Phil McGraw has a saying: “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” The first step to changing a bad habit is noticing ourselves engaging in the behavior. You might want to journal about it or take a mental note when it is happening.

2. Identify the intentions behind your negative self-talk.

When we are not aware, our past frustrations and wounds influence our present behavior. Beneath the negative self-talk lies the intention of avoiding disappointment, hurt, and failure. We need to know why our brain associates the present experience with negativity in order to break the habit. 

3. Reframe your present experience.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), reframing means understanding an experience, event, or idea from a different point of view. If our brains automatically focus on the negative, we need reframing to see the positive side of what is happening. 

Think again about my two examples above. 

• True, it might take some time to find a job fresh out of school, but this information doesn’t diminish your accomplishment! Graduating is a significant milestone.
• Sure, losing 10 pounds does not guarantee that you will always be physically fit. Still, you cannot discredit the fact that you lost those 10 pounds. 

Reframing our faulty perception empowers us to have a realistic view of what is happening. It also saves us from the emotional rollercoaster that we experience on a daily basis.

Start at the Beginning

My encouragement to you for today is to pause and pay attention to what kind of things you say to yourself. Then use the three-step technique to reframe those negative thoughts with positive ones.

Negative self-talk can be challenging to overcome. Consider enlisting the help of a therapist who can help you succeed. Click through to find a therapist near you.

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.

How do you react to your inner critic?

Have you found yourself responding to that internal critical voice that just won’t leave you alone? Maybe you’re feeling yourself shut down in response to all that ruthless chatter. You may not be able to figure out how to slow down and stop berating yourself.

An inner critic can be useful in ways, though we may not always be willing to acknowledge it. This internal voice can help keep us on our toes every so often with quick judgments. And judgments can often be useful. They allow us to make quick descriptions by creating simple categories and fast, shorthand ways of describing preferences and consequences.

At times we need to make judgments very quickly in order to act. For example, if we are driving and someone swerves into our lane, we have to make an instant judgment in that moment. The difficulty lies in the fact that the judgments we make are often incomplete and inaccurate. They can hold us back as a result. [fat_widget_right]

There are other problems with judgments, too:

• They have a tendency to distract us from what’s actually happening and may end up replacing facts.
• Judgments can lead us to stop observing or becoming aware of what’s going on for us.
• Judgments can feed negative emotions like guilt or shame.

Letting Go of Judgments

It can be helpful for us to learn to let go of our judgments. We want to be able to draw on them as needed and use them when they’re useful for us. But it’s important to know how and when to let go. That way, when our judgments are not really serving us, we can choose to stop judging and make a difference choice.

How can we do this? One way is through mindfulness.

One of the key elements of mindfulness is practicing the nonjudgmental stance. This can help us increase our compassion—not just for others, but for ourselves, as well. Learning to mindfully disentangle ourselves from our judgments can help us learn to quiet our inner critic. It can also leave us free to aim for the things we want to build in our lives.

The following steps can help you begin.

1. Notice your inner critic.

It may be difficult to notice your inner critic and the judgments it passes at first, but it’s possible to learn. It may help you to keep a tally of these judgments in a journal or on a worksheet. That way, you have an opportunity to stop and notice what it was that brought on the judgment.

2. Determine if the judgment is helpful.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not. If it’s something that is helpful, you can consider how you might navigate it in a way that serves you well.

At first, it may seem to you as though your inner critic is turbocharged. It’s full of power and overactive. It may feel as though you’re doing a lot of judging. You might even end up berating yourself for this and judge the judgments you are passing. Though it may feel as though your inner critic is running wild, what’s actually happening is that you are becoming more aware of the internal judging. Your awareness is leading you to start noticing it more and more. You aren’t judging yourself more, you’re just becoming more aware of when you’re doing it. This is a progression. By becoming more aware of where our mind is, we have a greater opportunity for bringing it back to where we want it to be.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not.

When we notice our judgments, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “Is this judgment helping or hurting me?” If the answer is that it’s helping us, we realize what can contribute to our lives and how that judgment has served us positively. We also have the option of taking action. If the judgment is one that’s hurting us, we have gained some additional information about our inner critic and the ways it works to denigrate us.

In these instances, the tools we’ve learned for letting go of that judgment can serve us well. For example, we might reevaluate and become aware of what it was we were judging and then replace the judgment with statements of preference or consequence. We can also replace judgments with things we have observed with each of our senses.

When we use these steps, we can practice accepting what it is we notice without getting entangled in our internal monologue. In this way, we can more easily allow the judgments to drift away. This can take some practice, especially at first. If you do notice, as you progress, that more judging is happening, try not to give in to the temptation to judge those judgments. Instead, allow yourself to simply notice how your inner critic is paying attention to what is going on. This can help you bring your awareness back to what might actually serve you in this moment.

If you are struggling to increase your awareness of your inner critic and the judgments it passes, a trained, compassionate counselor can help you explore strategies for doing so.

Those of us who experienced abuse or neglect in childhood often struggle with inner voices that are self-critical and self-rejecting. These inner critics, voices of guilt, shame, self-abuse and self-rejection, can be toxic to our emotional and spiritual well-being. Their purpose in childhood was to protect us. They may have prevented further harm from caretakers who were abusive, rejecting, critical, or non-nurturing in one way or another. Sometimes we may even create them in order to push ourselves to overcome a lack of self-confidence or the inability to perform.

When we carry these hurtful inner voices into adulthood, they can continue the harmful role of the abusive or non-nurturing parent. In order to guard against these voices and send them away from our present lives before they bring us down, we first must recognize them when they show up in our consciousness. If we can recognize them and name them before they affect us, we can send them packing!

Eight Toxic Voices

This list describes eight of the more toxic inner critics that may show up in our consciousness from time to time:

1. The Judge
The Judge’s rigid and harsh view of morality has little nuance or compassion for us. All about right and wrong behavior and seeing that we behave “properly,” this inner voice is often develops when we absorb the words of a moralistic and authoritarian parent into our consciousness. [fat_widget_right]

2. The Accuser
Judge, jury, and executioner all rolled up into one, the Accuser does not wait and hover over us, looking out for our erring ways. This inner critic has already made up its mind that we are guilty, that we need to be punished.

3. The Guilt Tripper
This inner voice nags us about wrongs we have done and tells us we should feel bad about them. It is social conscience amped up about two magnitudes above where it should be. Instead of giving us social cues that could help us repair wrongs and mend relationships, it keeps us in an anxious state. In this state, we worry about having wronged someone and being in trouble for it instead of taking steps to fix our mistakes.

4. The Projector
As its name implies, this voice projects our own inner disapproval of ourselves onto others. We think others are thinking negative things about us. But the thoughts we imagine they are thinking are typically grounded in our own criticism of ourselves.

When dealing with critical (sometimes even bullying) internal voices, it is very useful to remember the following three action steps: recognize, reject, and affirm.

5. The Shamer
This voice tells us there is something fundamentally wrong, defective, bad, or shameful about us. These messages can give us a sense of hopelessness about our condition. This inner voice may shame us about parts of our nature that are part of who we are. If it is something we are not able to change, we may experience depression and despair.

6. The Rejecter
This inner voice tells us we are unworthy of being accepted by others, even ourselves. It tells us we don’t have a right to even take up space in the world.

7. The Demeaner
This inner critic tells us we are critically deficient in something very important that would allow us to be valued in human society. Our meritocratic culture emphasizes intelligence, attractiveness, social status, and financial position. In other words, if we feel we aren’t smart or good-looking or lack money and status, this inner voice may challenge us.

8. The Doubter
The voice of the Doubter can undermine our self-confidence. By calling into question our intelligence and ability to accomplish goals, the voice second-guesses our judgment, causing us to hold back.

Confronting Our Inner Critics

Learning to effectively deal with these inner critics can be vital to our well-being.

When dealing with critical (sometimes even bullying) internal voices, it is very useful to remember the following three action steps: recognize, reject, and affirm.

• Recognize when your inner critic is sneaking up on you! These voices often begin by whispering into our ears. If we know them well, we may be able to catch them before they turn up the volume. Get to know what they usually say, the tone of voice they use, and when and where they are likely to show up. That way, we can recognize their influence as soon as they start to get on our case and fend them off before they build up momentum.
• Reject the critical voices. Turn the tables on them and attack them back harder than they are attacking you. Some people find it helpful to give them a funny name. This can add both humor and perspective and break their heavy spell. For example, you might call the Judge “Spoilsport” or “Wet Blanket.” This can help you feel less grim and diminish the threat by making it less likely you will be influenced by the voice. Talk back to the voices and send them away. “No, Wet Blanket, I’m done with you. You are no friend of mine. Go away!” Let yourself feel some legitimate anger toward these critics. It can dispel the sense of being small and powerless.
• Affirm yourself with a strong, positive affirmation. Begin with the proclamation “I am _______.” For example, if you’re hearing the Demeaner, you might affirm, while putting your hand over your heart: “I am worthy of my own love and self-acceptance!“ The connection with your heart space can make this more than a mental level affirmation. It takes the affirmation to an emotional center that connects to your greater Self and others. If the voice is the Shamer, you might stand tall and affirm from your gut: “I have a right to exist!” This connects you to the strength in your solar plexus and lower abdomen. To make these affirmations real, connect them with a place in your body where you may have felt weak, empty, or unfocused in the past. This might be might be the throat, heart space, solar plexus, or lower abdomen. This connection to your body is important. It can give you the strength to face and dispel the inner critics when they resurface.

Overcoming our inner critics can be challenging, but it is possible. If you are finding it difficult to recognize and reject these voices on your own, the support of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial.

Approximately 10-13% of school-aged children in the United States experience rejection by their peers. Children who feel rejected may have a higher risk of decreased academic performance, experiencing bullying, or becoming bullies themselves. They can also have higher chances of developing mental health issues including depression and anxiety, behavior problems, and isolation (Nixon, 2010).

The ‘I Am’ Message

Children perceive the world differently than adults. As children interact in social settings, they receive messages about themselves and who they are. For example, if a child gets a B on a test and their parents praise their hard work and good grade, the child might receive the message, “I am smart,” “I am capable,” or “I am loved.” If the parents respond by asking why they didn’t get an A and expressing disappointment, the child might receive the message, “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am a bad person.”

The “I am” message a child receives might seem extreme for the situation, but in reality, children learn about who they are through interactions with parents, primarily, and peers, secondarily. [fat_widget_right]

When ‘I Am’ Messages Grow Up

Many “I am” messages are carried into teenage years and adulthood, where they affect how a person relates to others at work and in relationships. “I am” messages can also influence behavior and are often reinforced by continued experiences and interactions with others. For example, a teen who received the message “I am unworthy” as a child might stay in an abusive relationship longer than someone who received the message “I am worthy,” because deep within them exists the belief that they are unworthy and do not deserve more respect or better treatment. Being mistreated by their partner reinforces the negative “I am” message that they are not worthy. This can easily become a cycle and develop into a pattern for adult relationships as well.

There is good news for primary caregivers: The parent-child relationship is often the most influential in a child’s life. This means you, as a parent, have the power to help your child. When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

Tips for Helping Kids Process Rejection

How do you help your child deal with peer rejection? Below are a few things you, as a parent or guardian, can do to help your child when they are rejected by their peers.

• Create a safe space: If your child talks to you about being rejected by their peers, listen to their story without judging or shaming them for not standing up for themselves. If your child does not talk to you about being rejected, but you have noticed they are having a difficult time interacting positively with peers, talk to them about it when they are in a neutral mood. Let them know what you notice, focusing on your observations rather than your feelings, and provide space for them to share their perspective.
• Identify the “I am” message: Make note of the “I am” message your child has received and help them differentiate who they are (“I am”) from how they feel (“I feel”).  Help them gauge their feelings by reflecting on the story they tell and their facial expressions and body language. When you help your child notice how they feel, they will be able to separate their negative feelings from who they are.
• Empower them: Don’t rush to solve problems for your child (even though it might be tempting to do so). Empower them by allowing them to sort through different ideas about how to respond to peer rejection. Value their ideas and ask if they need you to support them in any way. Before you make the teacher aware of the situation, talk to your child about it and hear their perspective on that decision; they may have valid reasons for not involving the teacher.
• Help them connect: Remind them it is impossible to get along with everyone, but people with whom we have a lot in common can be good friends. Help your child identify their likes and dislikes and identify peers who have the same interests. Talk to your child about how to use common interests to approach peers.
• Contact a therapist: If you have tried to help your child but would like more guidance on how to best support them, contact a therapist in your area. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions and clear-cut solutions, so don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. A therapist can be a good option for your child, since they are a neutral person your child can talk to without worrying about how it could impact them in school or at home. One good option is a play therapist, because they can teach your child social skills and coping strategies through play. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might also be a good option if your child continues to hold on to negative “I am” messages.

Remember: you have the power to help your child, and your relationship with them is the most influential. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Everyone can use a little help sometimes.

Reference:

1. McKown, C., Gumbiner, L. M., Russo, N. M., & Lipton, M. (2009). Social-emotional learning skill, self-regulation, and social competence in typically developing and clinic-referred children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 38(6), 858-871. doi: 10.1080/15374410903258934
2. Nixon, R. (2010, February 2). Studies reveal why kids get bullied and rejected. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/6032-studies-reveal-kids-bullied-rejected.html

Have you ever thought, “I’m my own worst enemy”?

Do you ever feel plagued by a relentlessly critical internal voice? Perhaps you feel stuck and find it difficult to think creatively about how to overcome challenges in your life. Even if you have a plan to address challenges, you might still find it difficult to take action.

If you find yourself experiencing these or other negative thoughts and feelings frequently, you may be dealing with a harsh superego. This internal “enemy” is the voice in our heads that reminds us of our failings and shortcomings. It reprimands us when we think or act independently of its proscribed behavior, and it can censor us in very sneaky ways.

At times, it may be almost like living under the shadow of an intimidating, abusive parent.

The Birth of a Harsh Superego

The superego is the part of a person’s mind that acts as a self-critical conscience. There are differing opinions on exactly how a superego is formed. Sigmund Freud believed the superego formed during the emotional tumult that takes place in the toddler years, during which time a child internalizes the voices of their parents.

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Melanie Klein discovered, through her observation of young children, that the superego forms not from the internalization of parental voices but in infancy, as a byproduct of an infant’s attempt to protect the self from aggressive and destructive thoughts and feelings.

Regardless of how and when the superego is formed, it seems universally understood that a child’s early environment has a significant impact on the nature of the superego. While supportive, present, and receptive parents are more likely to effect the formation of a mildly critical or supportive superego, a harsh superego is, more likely than not, at least partially the product of critical, harsh, or emotionally or physically absent parents.

The Fallout

Like an envious child who would rather destroy something that isn’t theirs, simply because they cannot have it, a harsh superego can make it feel like there is an internal someone or something that is intent on destruction.

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

Those who experience this harshness, these internal cuts, might often feel stuck in life. They may feel isolated, experience depression, self-harm, or fantasize about hurting themselves or others. A harsh superego can lead people to push others away and can also cause a person to feel stagnant at work or in a relationship.

Some individuals who cope with a harsh superego may also be more likely to turn toward drugs, alcohol, or other substances or use violent outbursts or sex to escape the persecutory voice within.

Breaking the Chains

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

This work may be particularly difficult to do alone, especially because the harsh superego is adept at getting to us in any number of unconscious ways. Any kind of permanent change requires awareness and work conducted within a positive therapeutic relationship.

Awareness Practice at Home

The central vehicle for change is awareness. The more you are aware of the harsh superego, the more empowered you are to change it. There are practices you can employ at home that are often helpful.

I suggest a daily meditation practice of 5-10 minutes. Focus on the breath and observe all manifestations of the harsh superego as they arise.

• Notice how audible it is. Does it yell? Whisper? Is this voice familiar?
• Notice its particular brand of harshness. Does it criticize you? Shame you? Berate you?
• Notice what it focuses its attention on. Not “doing it right”? Your intelligence? Appearance? Level of success?
• Notice how it might work on you in silent ways. (You might need help identifying this)
• Notice how you relate to it. Do you cower in response? Feel tight in your body? Feel angry or anxious?

These are all important things to consider as you become more aware of the harsh superego, in order for you to catch it at increasingly earlier stages and lessen its negative impact.

Psychotherapy: A Healing Relationship

Generally speaking, awareness may not enough to enact permanent change. This is where psychotherapy and psychoanalysis can often be helpful. A psychotherapist or psychoanalyst will be able to listen for the different manifestations of the harsh superego and help point out the different ways it can have a negative impact.

Even more therapeutic than education, however, is the attitude the therapist brings to this exploration. Like a loving and patient parent, a compassionate and empathic therapist can, over time, be internalized, replacing the harsh superego with a more supportive one. This is likely to take both time and patience, but it is absolutely possible.

References:

1. Freud, S. (1990, September 17). The ego and the id. W. W. Norton & Company.
2. Klein, M. (1929). Personification in the play of children. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 10. 193-204.