Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between a parent and a child that blurs boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. The parent looks to the child for emotional support. In some cases, the parent also seeks practical support from the child.

In an emotionally incestuous relationship, the child is expected to meet the needs of the parent rather than the parent meeting the needs of the child. This type of relationship, which is similar to enmeshment, is inappropriate and can be psychologically damaging for the child.

Emotional incest often occurs when the parent does not have their needs met by a romantic partner or when the family dynamic is broken. Substance abuse, infidelity, and mental health issues tend to increase the dependency of the parent.

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being.

What Does Emotional Incest Look Like?

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can happen when the parent talks to the child as though the child were an adult. The parent may request advice from the child regarding adult issues and can even place the child in the role of therapist.

When the parent is sad or lonely, it’s up to the child to make them feel better, or at least feel their feelings with them. The boundaries are blurred and meshed. The child may lack any sense of emotional separation from the parent (Love, 2011).

Is Emotional Incest a Form of Neglect?

Elevating a child to the role of supporter and adult can lead to neglect and emotional abuse. A parent who is overly dependent on a child can also be critical and neglectful. Parents who have traversed or inverted parent-child roles can refuse or be unable to provide appropriate support for the child. This can result in a confusing mix of love and abuse (Hosier, 2015).

When a parent relies on the child, the child’s needs are not being met. Children who are placed in the role of adults often do not know how to ask for help. They understand that their parent is unable or uninterested in providing emotional support, so they deny their own needs.

Why Some Parents Look to Children for Support

It is thought that early emotional deprivation can lead some adults to regard their children as parental figures (Jurkovic, 2014). When divorce occurs, this can leave a vacuum that encourages a child to step in and do what they can to help the family (Freud, 1989).

Parents with narcissistic personality (NPD) may lack insight into how their behavior affects their child (Kriesberg, n.d.). They may also justify or deny their behavior and refuse to see that their child may be suffering.

Narcissistic parents and parents who engage in emotional incest often need praise from their child. Questions such as, “Am I a good mother?” or, “How much do you love me?” can place the child in a precarious position, as the child is not allowed to complain or express their own needs. Instead, the parent is the primary one who needs care. This unspoken understanding that the child’s needs are not as important as the needs of the parent can have lasting effects and can cause difficulties in adult relationships.

A parent with addiction may also develop an inappropriate reliance on their child. The child can assume the role of caretaker both when the parent is intoxicated and when the parent is sick and recovering from using substances or alcohol. Children of addicted parents often understand the parent is not capable of caring for them. As a result, they become the “strong one” in the family. The child may hide or deny their own needs even to themselves, as they know the parent is unavailable to provide care.

Emotional Incest: Child Outcomes

The impact of emotional incest on adult children can manifest in a variety of ways. They often have difficulties setting boundaries in relationships. They may also experience depression, shame, suicidal feelings, excessive guilt, anxiety, and social isolation.

Emotional incest can rob a child of the ability to develop at a normal pace, as they are forced into maturity at an early age and denied the opportunity to experience appropriate and supportive relationships. When they reach adulthood, they can experience dysfunctional adult relationships that perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Processing Emotional Incest: The Role of Therapy

Therapy allows you to understand and address the impacts of emotional incest. Underlying issues can be explored and healed in a nonjudgmental and safe environment. A therapist can provide guidance for building appropriate, healthy adult relationships as well as help with relationships with children.

Many adults who experienced emotional incest as a child do not want to repeat the pattern. Therapy can provide guidance and positive support for parents who want their own children to experience healthy parent-child relationships. Find a licensed, compassionate therapist here.

References:

1. Freud, A. (1989). Normality and pathology in childhood: Assessments of development. London: Routledge.
2. Hosier, D. (2015). Child-parent relationship too close for comfort? Emotional incest explained. Childhood Trauma Recovery. Retrieved from childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/child-parent-relationship-too-close-for-comfort-emotional-incest-explained
3. Jurkovic, G. J. (2014). Lost childhoods: The plight of the parentified child. New York, NY: Routledge.
4. Kriesberg, S. (n.d.). Women with narcissistic parent: Stuck in worry. Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/women-narcissistic-parents
5. Love, P. (2011). The emotional incest syndrome: What to do when a parent’s love rules your life. New York, NY: Bantam.

Very few people are one hundred percent happy with their physical appearance. Most of us have something about ourselves that we would like to change in some small way.

But for most of us, our perceived flaws do not interfere with our happiness or daily functioning. For those who have body dysmorphia, or body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), however, a small flaw—either real or imagined—can substantially reduce their quality of life. They may obsess and worry about the flaw for hours every day (Anxiety and Depression Association of America, n.d.). BDD is a serious mental health issue that can lead to suicidality and significant social and occupational dysfunction. Both men and women can experience BDD (Phillips & Castle, 2001).

People with BDD are often extremely preoccupied with their physical appearance and can become deeply upset over minor flaws that wouldn’t even be noticed by others. The person’s perception of the flaw, however unrealistic, often causes intense emotional distress and can trigger avoidance of social situations.

The preoccupation and obsession with flaws that comes with body dysmorphia can take away the ability to experience joy and healthy relationships. Some people with BDD undertake multiple cosmetic procedures to correct the flaw. Unfortunately, relief is likely to be short-lived at best. The root issue is not the flaw, which may be minor or even imagined. After the cosmetic procedures, the individual with BDD may simply focus on a different or “new” flaw.

The preoccupation and obsession with flaws that comes with body dysmorphia can take away the ability to experience joy and healthy relationships.

Emotional Neglect and Body Dysmorphia

Emotional neglect can be understood as a pattern in a parent-child relationship where the child’s needs are consistently ignored, disregarded, or devalued by the parent. Emotionally neglected parents often feel ambivalent towards their children’s emotional needs, particularly when they are distressed and crying (Didie et al., 2006). The parent may feel the child is impossible to please and—out of frustration—simply ignore and reject the child when they are upset. In this cycle, adults who were emotionally neglected as children tend to become emotionally neglectful as parents.

Emotional neglect is commonly found in both males and females diagnosed with BDD (Carey, Crocker, Elias, Feldman, & Coleman, 2009).

Emotional Neglect as Trauma

The body and the nervous system experience neglect in a way that is similar to abuse. The child who is not nurtured and cared for emotionally may experience continuous high levels of stress and sadness with no one to turn to for comfort. Over time, this can take a serious toll on the ability to develop resilience as the child matures into adolescence and adulthood.

Adults with histories of neglect often develop a range of emotional and mental health issues, including depression, low self-esteem, hyperactivity, and aggression. Neglect often leads to the child feeling unwanted and unloved, and it can lead to a distorted perception of the self.

In the case of BDD, emotional neglect may foster a distorted self-perception in terms of physical appearance. The individual with BDD may believe they are deeply flawed and unacceptable to others as a result of their physical appearance.

Developmental Timing and Neglect

The impact of physical and emotional neglect may be influenced by when it occurs during the child’s development. A child who is neglected during the early years of development can miss out on crucial opportunities for social, emotional, and cognitive development. An important factor that underlies each of these aspects of childhood development is the ability to develop resilience and cope with stress (Cicchetti & Toth, 1995).

Very young children and infants are not biologically capable of reducing the autonomic stress response once it is activated. During times of heightened emotional upset or fear, increased levels of stress hormones begin to circulate in the brain and nervous system. A child without comfort and guidance from an adult is forced to expend all of their energy in bringing the body and mind back to a balanced state. When the child is put in the position of having no help or comfort, all resources are expended and the child has little left for anything else. In this way, opportunities for development in other areas such as social and cognitive learning are lost.

As the child gets older, it is understandable why neglect can lead to intense feelings of shame and a distortion of body image. Body image is connected to self-esteem. When children grow and develop in circumstances that teach them they are unworthy of love and even send messages that there is something wrong with them, the child is likely to internalize these perceptions as they grow.

Therapy for Trauma and Body Dysmorphia

Exposure therapy (Neziroglu & Yaryura-Tobias, 1993; Linde et al., 2015) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help some people process and heal the effects of past trauma and neglect. Cognitive behavioral therapy may be helpful for BDD because it helps the person discover the source of distorted and unrealistic perceptions. Once it’s understood where the negative thought patterns are coming from, CBT teaches us how to correct these patterns and then move into a more realistic and healthy way of thinking (Neziroglu & Khemlani-Patel, 2002). In this way, CBT can be effective in treating distorted perceptions of the body. At the same time, CBT can help in developing healthier thinking patterns that address depression and anxiety, which often co-occur with trauma and BDD.

If you think childhood emotional neglect or body dysmorphia are issues that could be impacting you, support is available. Reach out to a licensed and compassionate therapist.

References:

1. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). (n.d.). Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd
2. Carey, W. B., Crocker, A. C., Elias, E. R., Feldman, H. M., & Coleman, W. L. (2009). Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrics E-Book. Philadelphia, PA: Elsevier Health Sciences.
3. Cicchetti, D., & Toth, S. L. (1995). A developmental psychopathology perspective on child abuse and neglect. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 34(5), 541-565. doi: 10.1097/00004583-199505000-00008
4. Didie, E. R., Tortolani, C. C., Pope, C. G., Menard, W., Fay, C., & Phillips, K. A. (2006, September 26). Childhood abuse and neglect in body dysmorphic disorder. Child Abuse & Neglect, 30(10), 1105-1115. doi: 10.1016/j.chiabu.2006.03.007
5. Linde, J., Rück, C., Bjureberg, J., Ivanov, V. Z., Djurfeldt, D. R., & Ramnerö, J. (2015). Acceptance-based exposure therapy for body dysmorphic disorder: A pilot study. Behavior Therapy, 46(4), 423-431. doi: 10.1016/j.beth.2015.05.002
6. Neziroglu, F., & Khemlani-Patel, S. (2002). A review of cognitive and behavioral treatment for body dysmorphic disorder. CNS Spectrums, 7(6), 464-471. doi: 10.1017/s1092852900017971
7. Neziroglu, F. A., & Yaryura-Tobias, J. A. (1993). Exposure, response prevention, and cognitive therapy in the treatment of body dysmorphic disorder. Behavior Therapy, 24(3), 431-438. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1994-26859-001
8. Phillips, K. A., & Castle, D. J. (2001, November 3). Body dysmorphic disorder in men: Psychiatric treatments are usually effective. The BMJ, 323(7320), 1015-1016. doi: 10.1136/bmj.323.7320.1015