Remember when we called it the information superhighway? That is what it was, back when the internet first showed up. The deal felt simple: you logged on, looked things up, learned something, and left. Now, the feed can reach past your willpower and into your social media nervous system response before you even realize what happened.
Doomscrolling
Vicarious trauma
Attention boundaries
In this blog
And then something happened.
The superhighway became a supermarket. Everything is for sale now. The cost is not just money. It can be your emotional energy, your time, your relationships, your sanity, your regulation, and your ability to sit in a quiet room for five minutes without reaching for the glowing rectangle in your pocket.
Let us talk about what happened, why it matters, why it is not your fault, and what it can look like to get your ground back.
Key insight
The problem is not that you are weak. A social media nervous system response often begins because the feed is designed to bypass reflection and keep the body on alert.
Two Different Harms, One Nervous System
When we talk about “media,” we usually mash together two very different things your body has to deal with.
There is a clinical name for what can happen when we are exposed to suffering that is not ours over and over: vicarious trauma or secondary traumatic stress. In a study on media-induced secondary trauma during the COVID-19 pandemic, Lamba et al. (2023) explored how repeated media exposure can affect mental health during collective crises. This used to be something we talked about mostly with therapists, nurses, and first responders. Now, thanks to smartphones, many more people are exposed to other people’s pain again and again.
Both streams, the addictive and the disturbing, move through the same nervous system. That is the part most people miss.
Your Body Does Not Know It Is Just a Phone
Your nervous system was built for real threats. The kind that show up, get handled, and go away. It does not know what TikTok is. It cannot tell the difference between a bear and a shaky video of a bombing. It cannot tell the difference between friends laughing at your joke and bots boosting a stranger’s comment section.
It reacts to what it sees. Every time.
Heart rate up. Chest tight. Breath shallow. Cortisol dumping. That is supposed to happen briefly: burst, resolve, safety. But scrolling breaks that rhythm. Threat, threat, threat. Comparison, comparison, comparison. No resolution. No off switch. No “it is over now.”
Your body may think you are still in the woods with the bear, hours after you put the phone down.
And the research keeps piling up:
- A systematic review and meta-analysis found that problematic social media use is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and stress in adolescents and young adults (Shannon et al., 2022).
- A meta-analysis linked use of social networking sites with self-reported depressive symptoms, with particular concerns around passive or comparison-based use (Vahedi & Zannella, 2021).
- The World Health Organization reported that problematic social media use among teens rose from 7% in 2018 to 11% in 2022, alongside lower overall well-being (WHO, 2024).
- Excessive screen time has been discussed in relation to changes in brain structure, sleep disruption, attention, and stress regulation (Stanford Lifestyle Medicine, 2024).
So no, it is not just you. It is not only in your head. A social media nervous system response can show up in the body, and it is measurable in sleep, attention, mood, and tension.
A grounded way to think about trauma exposure
If distressing content keeps following you into sleep, relationships, work, or your body, it may help to learn more about how trauma can shape nervous system responses.
What It Looks Like When It Is Wearing You Down
The harm builds slowly. That is why most people do not connect the dots. They just notice something is off.
See if any of this lands:
A quick self-check
- Sleep that does not feel like rest, even when you get eight hours.
- A low hum of worry that eases the second you pick up your phone and comes right back when you put it down.
- Things that used to bring joy feel oddly flat.
- You cannot sit with your own thoughts for more than a minute without reaching for something.
- Cycles of anger and guilt leave you drained.
- Bitterness creeps into places it did not used to live.
- Comparison makes your actual life feel smaller than it is.
- Tension gathers somewhere in your body: jaw, shoulders, stomach, chest.
If a few of those hit, you are not broken. You are a person responding the way a person is supposed to respond to a world you were never built to absorb at this speed.
Change the Design, Not Just the Behavior
Here is the trap. People try to use willpower against apps built to get past willpower.
Guess who wins that fight.
The move is not to try harder. It is to change the design.
When self-kindness helps the reset stick
A feed boundary works better when it is not fueled by shame. If your inner critic gets loud, this GoodTherapy article on self-compassion and the inner critic may be a useful companion.
Try this now: 5-4-3-2-1
Name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
This does not erase the content you saw. It helps your body locate the present moment, which is the only place safety can register.
Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First
There is a reason flight attendants tell you to secure your own mask before helping the person next to you. A person who has run out of air cannot help anyone else breathe.
Research on caregivers points to a similar reality. Compassion fatigue and burnout are serious concerns among health care professionals, and ongoing research continues to examine how overexposure to distress and depleted regulation can affect people who care for others (Capobianco dos Santos et al., 2025).
Stepping back from media is not selfish. It is not giving up either. It is what lets you stay connected to the people and causes you love without becoming a casualty of the feed.
Support can make the pattern easier to change
If social media nervous system stress is affecting your sleep, relationships, or sense of safety, you can find a therapist through GoodTherapy and talk through what is happening without shame. If you are unsure where to start, GoodTherapy’s guide to finding the right therapist can help you think through fit.
What Comes Back
People who try this often notice the same thing. The first week is weird. Quieter than expected. Sometimes a little lonely. You may pick up your phone out of habit and put it back down. That is not relapse. That is recalibration.
Then something shifts. Sleep gets deeper. Thoughts come back online. Creativity sneaks in. Conversations go longer. The body settles into a kind of safety it had not felt in a long time.
You do not have to throw your phone in the ocean. You just have to stop letting it think for you. Your attention is one of the most valuable things you have. You are allowed to protect it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Common questions about feed stress, body cues, and getting help.
References
| Capobianco dos Santos, C. G., Santos Neto, M. F., Carvalho, S. R. P. V. T., Furlani, M. R., Martins, C. C., Santos, E. R., Menezes, J. D. S., Silva, M. Q., Santos, L. L., Molina, T. C., Castro, N. A. A. S. R., Cristóvão, H., Santos Júnior, R., Brienze, V. M. S., Lima, A. R. A., Fucuta, P. D., Vaz-Oliani, D., Domingos, N. A., Miyazaki, M. C., . . . André, J. C. (2025). Compassion fatigue and burnout among health care professionals: Protocol for a scoping review. JMIR Research Protocols, 14, e66360. https://doi.org/10.2196/66360 | |
| Lamba, N., Khokhlova, O., Bhatia, A., & McHugh, C. (2023). Mental health hygiene during a health crisis: Exploring factors associated with media-induced secondary trauma in relation to the COVID-19 pandemic. Health Psychology Open, 10(2). doi: 10.1177/20551029231199578 | |
| Shannon, H., Bush, K., Villeneuve, P. J., Hellemans, K. G. C., & Guimond, S. (2022). Problematic social media use in adolescents and young adults: Systematic review and meta-analysis. JMIR Mental Health, 9(4), e33450. https://doi.org/10.2196/33450 | |
| Stanford Lifestyle Medicine. (2024). What excessive screen time does to the adult brain. | |
| Vahedi, Z., & Zannella, L. (2021). The association between self-reported depressive symptoms and the use of social networking sites (SNS): A meta-analysis. Current Psychology, 40(5), 2174-2189. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-019-0150-6 | |
| World Health Organization. (2024). Teens, screens and mental health. |
Protecting Your Attention Is Care
If your feed keeps leaving your body on alert, support can help you sort through what is being activated and what needs to change.
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About the Author Griffin OakleyMSCP, NCC, LMHC, LPC Griffin Oakley, MSCP, NCC, LMHC, LPC, is a licensed therapist specializing in trauma, CPTSD, attachment, and identity work. His work focuses on helping adults make sense of overwhelming inner experiences with more steadiness, self-understanding, and practical support. He provides telehealth therapy to adults throughout Florida through Curious Mind Counseling, where he supports clients navigating trauma recovery, nervous system stress, and relationship patterns. |
Many people experience self-doubt in relationships as a quiet, constant “checking†of other people-tone, facial expression and pauses before they even realize they’re doing it. What looks like being considerate is often the nervous system doing its job: trying to keep connection safe.
Self-Trust
Inner Critic
Self-Doubt
In this article:
- Why self-doubt in relationships can become automatic
- How hyper-attunement shows up day-to-day
- The emotional cost (and why it’s not your fault)
- How therapy helps rebuild self-trust safely
Gentle Reminder:
These patterns are often learned protections. The goal isn’t to shame them away, it’s to understand them and choose what fits your life now.
Understanding Self-Doubt in Relationships as a Learned Pattern
Many people notice that they become highly alert to subtle changes in another person’s tone, expression, or behaviour before they consciously understand why. A pause that feels slightly different, a shift in energy, or a momentary silence can prompt a rapid internal adjustment. The individual may soften their voice, phrase things carefully, or begin planning how to respond before a conversation has even unfolded.
Although this may appear to be sensitivity or thoughtfulness, for many it reflects a learned pattern in which trusting their own perception once felt unsafe. This pattern does not typically develop without context. It is often rooted in environments where expressing emotion, preference, or uncertainty led to tension, withdrawal, or criticism.
Some people learned this in childhood within families that were unpredictable or demanding. Others developed these responses later in intimate relationships where their recollections were challenged, their instincts questioned, or their needs dismissed. (This can resemble gaslighting, which is designed to make someone doubt their perceptions.) In both cases, the nervous system adapts by prioritising external cues over internal ones.
Over time, this becomes automatic. It no longer feels like a response to a specific person but rather the default way of navigating relationships, especially when self-doubt in relationships has become familiar.
Want a plain-language definition for what your body is doing?
If you keep noticing yourself scanning for shifts in tone or tension, GoodTherapy’s Hypervigilance article can help you name the pattern without blaming yourself.
Why These Responses Develop
When an individual learns that honesty or spontaneity may provoke conflict, they often begin to monitor the emotional climate around them. This is not a conscious decision; it is an adaptive response. The nervous system becomes finely attuned to signs of potential threat, even when no immediate danger is present.
Small changes in another person’s behaviour can trigger internal shifts long before conscious thought has caught up. These responses can take different forms. Some individuals become highly accommodating, adjusting themselves to avoid perceived tension. Others become calm and controlled, holding themselves tightly to prevent escalation.
Some apologise quickly, even when they are unsure what they have done wrong. Others withdraw internally, presenting a composed exterior while experiencing significant internal vigilance. The outward behaviours may differ, but the mechanism is the same: relying on external feedback feels safer than relying on one’s own internal signals.
This strategy often makes sense at the time it develops. It can help maintain connection, reduce conflict, and create a sense of stability in environments where emotional unpredictability is common. However, it can become limiting when it remains in place long after the original conditions have changed.
A helpful reframe: If you’ve been living with self-doubt in relationships, you may not be “too sensitive.†You may be highly trained in reading people, sometimes at the cost of reading yourself.
How Hyper-Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life
Over the long term, these patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from themselves. They may find it difficult to identify their own preferences, not because they lack clarity, but because they learned to stop consulting themselves.
They may notice that they anticipate other people’s reactions quickly and accurately yet struggle to articulate what they want in their own relationships. This can also affect decision-making. A person may gather extensive external input before committing to a choice, not out of indecision but out of a learned belief that their own instincts cannot be trusted without verification, another way self-doubt in relationships keeps reinforcing itself.
Common signs (that are easy to miss)
- Replaying conversations and searching for what you “did wrongâ€
- Over-explaining simple choices (“just in caseâ€)
- Needing reassurance even when you’re being reasonable
- Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
- Freezing or going blank during conflict
It is common for individuals with these patterns to excel professionally, particularly in roles that benefit from high sensitivity and relational awareness, while privately feeling unsure or exhausted. Hyper-attunement can also influence how someone experiences conflict. A raised voice, a change in posture, or an unexpected silence can trigger strong internal responses that feel disproportionate to the situation.
If people-pleasing is part of your pattern:
You might relate to this overview of people-pleasing tendencies and how they can impact boundaries and burnout.
The Emotional and Relational Impact
The cumulative effect of these patterns can be significant. People often describe feeling depleted, as though they are holding up two sides of every interaction: their own internal world and the emotional world of the other person. This can create a sense of being “switched on†at all times, with little space left for rest or spontaneity.
There can also be grief associated with recognising the pattern. Once the individual begins to see how automatic their responses have become, they may feel sadness for the years spent accommodating others or for the parts of themselves that became quiet in order to feel safe.
This recognition can bring clarity, yet it can also feel disorienting. It is common for people to expect relief once they understand the pattern, only to discover that the early stages of change feel unsettled instead. Some individuals notice an “identity wobble†when they begin to shift these behaviours.
If they have always been the calm one, the accommodating one, or the person who anticipates others’ needs, it can feel unclear who they are without those roles. This can create discomfort even when the change is positive. The familiar pattern, while limiting, may feel more predictable than the alternative, especially when self-doubt in relationships has functioned as a form of stability.
A small practice to rebuild self-trust (without forcing yourself)
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Pause: Notice the moment you start scanning for reassurance.
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Name it: “This is self-doubt in relationships showing up.â€
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Locate it: Where do you feel it in your body (chest, throat, stomach)?
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Choose one internal cue: “What do I believe happened?â€
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Try one micro-action: Ask a clarifying question instead of apologizing.
How Therapy Supports Change
Therapy provides a space in which these patterns can be explored without judgement or urgency. The goal is not to eliminate protective responses but to help individuals understand when they are occurring and whether they are still necessary.
As clients begin to notice their internal experiences with more understanding, they can experiment with expressing themselves more directly and observing the outcome. Over time, this helps the nervous system distinguish between past and present relational cues.
Exploring the roots of self-doubt:
Many people benefit from learning why they ignore their intuition in the first place. This article on overcoming self-doubt can be a supportive companion read between sessions.
For therapists, the work often involves pacing, containment, and helping clients identify internal resources that have become underused. Gentle exploration of bodily responses, emotional patterns, and relational expectations allows clients to build a more integrated sense of self. The therapeutic relationship offers a consistent, non-reactive environment in which new patterns can take root.
For individuals considering therapy, it is important to note that recognising these patterns is only the beginning. The process of change is gradual and often uncomfortable at first. However, with the right support, many people find that they begin to trust their own perspectives, express their needs more openly, and navigate relationships with greater confidence.
Grounding this in evidence-based understanding
When the body has been under chronic stress, it can stay activated longer than we want it to. That ongoing stress response can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, factors that make self-doubt in relationships easier to trigger (see Mayo Clinic’s overview of chronic stress).
Hyperarousal, feeling on edge, easily startled, “on guardâ€, is also a well-known trauma-related pattern (see NIMH’s PTSD information and MedlinePlus symptoms overview). And if your story includes sustained manipulation, the APA defines gaslighting as manipulation that leads someone to doubt their perceptions or understanding of events.
Trauma-informed therapy tends to emphasize safety, trustworthiness, and choice, principles outlined by SAMHSA’s trauma-informed guidance , so that change can happen without forcing or flooding.
Ready for support?
If self-doubt in relationships is affecting your day-to-day, you can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist by location, specialty, and approach.
If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this description, you may wish to explore this further with a trained therapist. If you’re considering working with me, a free 15-minute consultation through my GoodTherapy profile may be available to discuss whether this approach fits your circumstances.
About the Author
Jo-Anne Karlsson, MSc, GMBPsP, NBCC
Jo-Anne is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and Life Coach based in London (with telehealth available). She supports teens (15+) and adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, identity questions, and complex family dynamics, especially when relationships have felt confusing, demanding, or emotionally draining.
Her work integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting within a warm, direct, nonjudgmental space. Together, clients explore protective patterns, reduce shame and overthinking, and rebuild self-trust in a way that feels grounded and doable.
In my work, I’ve found certain frameworks to be helpful for understanding and perceiving our sense of balance and wellness. To illustrate this, let’s consider the following two scenarios:
Sara, 22, is at work typing away at her laptop. Her boss walks in and asks, “Sara, where is that report already?†Sara looks up with focused eyes and slight tension in her shoulders, takes a breath, and considers the question. Within seconds, her brain computes what’s being asked and forms the appropriate response. Smiling, she replies, “Jeff. Hi. I emailed it to you this morning. I also gave a printed copy to your assistant.â€
Now imagine the same scenario—only this time, when Sara hears Jeff, she suddenly feels anxious. Her heartbeat quickens, her breathing constricts, and she becomes confused. She fumbles around her desk, trying to find something to give him. Even though she already emailed the report, in the panic of the moment, she could not recall having done so. She grows more frantic as she searches through the papers and knocks over her coffee mug. Her stomach twists into knots, and she dreads another ulcer forming.
Imagine one last scenario. Jeff asks about the report, but this time Sara scowls, clenching her teeth, and snaps, “What are you talking about? Your assistant must have lost it! I gave it to him this morning!†She swallows her blood pressure pill and returns to her work. [fat_widget_right]
When we look at these two scenarios, the interesting differences to consider are regulation/dysregulation, resilience and perseverance, and the window of tolerance.
Regulation/Dysregulation
A common expression people use nowadays is “I felt overwhelmed,†or maybe, “I was flooded.†As it turns out, this description may be capturing actual changes in our nervous system. According to neuroscience research, when a person is in overwhelm, their prefrontal cortex (also known as the executive brain, or the center for logical reasoning and problem solving) becomes less active and goes “offline.†Physiological changes in heart rate, breath, and stress hormone secretion also occur. Keeping that in mind, we begin to see how overwhelm can be an experience of dysregulation.
Regulation, on the other hand, can be seen as a state of internal harmony where the three parts of our brain—executive, limbic and reptilian—are communicating effectively. In this state, our nervous system can digest the information it receives, and we can think clearly and respond effectively to present moment situations.
Let’s go back to Sara for a moment. In the first scenario, the impact of Jeff’s communication brings Sara into alert. The sympathetic nervous system brings her eyes to focus and tenses her shoulders to prepare her for action. At the same time, that breath she took supports regulation through the parasympathetic nervous system. In the second scenario, on the other hand, Sara becomes triggered. A fear-based response takes over, and the spiral into dysregulation begins. In scenario three, Sara dysregulates towards anger and fight mode. When Sara’s system remains regulated, she is able to respond more effectively to the situation than she is able to when her system becomes dysregulated.
Each person’s “zones†differ, as they are unique to our history and circumstances. Some people have fairly wide windows of tolerance and are able to respond effectively to a range of stress intensity. Others might have a narrow window and fall outside of the zone at what might be considered by others to be milder stressors.
Interestingly, dysregulation is not specific to any certain event. The impact of an event is different for different people. In fact, the impact of the same event can be different for the same person at a different time of day or during a different point in life. This idea brings us to the window of tolerance.
The Window of Tolerance
Also known as the optimal zone of regulation, the window of tolerance was first introduced in 2010 by Dr. Dan J. Siegel. The concept proposes that people have a zone of arousal within which they are able to respond effectively to life. When they are within this “window,” their nervous system works harmoniously to successfully achieve certain goals—walking across a room, solving a math problem, and engaging socially with others. When people are within their window, they are regulated. When they are outside the window, they are dysregulated.
Each person’s “zones†differ, as they are unique to our history and circumstances. Some people have fairly wide windows of tolerance and are able to respond effectively to a range of stress intensity. Others might have a narrow window and fall outside of the zone at what might be considered by others to be milder stressors. And even for those with wide windows, certain stressors linked to historical challenges might trigger them beyond their zone. This is why we see one person becoming overwhelmed in response to an event while another does not.
Factors related to personal wellness can have an influence on our windows. For instance, think of a time you were sleep-deprived. How did you feel? Chances are you were more irritable than usual, perhaps on edge. Your window that day was probably narrower than it is on other days. Chronic stress and early adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are also correlated with greater dysregulation. As such, both can be thought to compromise a person’s window.
The presentation of the impact of stressors manifests differently in different people and may at times go unrecognized. For some people, the impact of stressors is more apparent on the psychological level, for others, it appears more clearly in their physical health. And quite often, the impact is present in a person’s intimate relationships too—though on the outside, that may not be apparent.
Regardless of the many and varied ways stress and trauma can impact the window of tolerance, people still generally do whatever they can to find a way to survive.
Resilience and Perseverance
Resilience, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is the capability of a body that has experienced strain to recover its size and shape, particularly when stress has caused the change in size or shape, or, the ability of an individual to adjust to and/or recover from change or misfortune.
As it relates to this article, along with personal health and wellness, resilience can be thought of as the system’s ability return to the optimal zone or to maintain regulation and stay within the zone.
Perseverance, on the other hand, is the continued effort to achieve something in spite of opposition, failure, or other challenges. When I think of people who say they feel “burned out,” that they are “running on empty,” or those who might describe themselves as “underdogs†or “disadvantaged,” but somehow they still carry on and do what they feel necessary to get through each day—I think of perseverance. The key difference between resilience and perseverance, to me, is whether someone is performing within their window of tolerance or outside this window.
Human capabilities for resilience and perseverance are inspiring, and both are to be celebrated and admired. At the same time, I believe it is important to consider (and remember) that operating from a place of perseverance for a long period of time can be compromising to health as well as interpersonal relationships. Constantly persevering may come at a price. Finding ways to build our resilience, on the other hand, can be of great importance to our well-being, as well as that of our families and communities.
We each have our unique window of tolerance and trigger points shaped by our life experiences, and we each have our own pattern and path of moving between regulation and dysregulation and perseverance and resilience. My hope is that, with ourselves and others, we can work to:
- Become more familiar with the signs of regulation, dysregulation, perseverance and resilience;
- Experience more appreciation, respect, compassion, and kindness for perseverance;
- Use this understanding to guide our relationships;
- Engage in activities that support regulation;
- Invest time in building resilience in ourselves and our kids.
If any of these steps prove challenging or difficult, or you would like to help identifying these signs and your own window of tolerance, a compassionate, qualified mental health professional may be able to offer assistance and support.
References:
- Adverse childhood experiences: Looking at how ACEs affect our lives & society. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/phl/resource_center_infographic.html
- Marin, M. F., Lord, C., Andrews, J., Juster, R. P., Sindi, S., Arsenault-Lapierre, G., … & Lupien, S. J. (2011). Chronic stress, cognitive functioning and mental health. Neurobiology of Learning and Memory, 96(4), 583-595.
- Perseverance. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perseverance
- Resilience. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience
Humans are complex creatures. We operate on many levels simultaneously, and not all of these levels are in our conscious awareness. Therein lies the potential for internal conflict, which can sometimes feel impossible to resolve. We may not even be clear on what is causing the internal conflict in the first place:
“Why do I get so angry?â€
“Darn it, why can’t I sleep? I have to get up in four hours and I’m going to be exhausted!â€
“Why can’t I stand up to her? I argue with her in my head all the time, yet when she’s actually there, I just can’t stick up for myself.â€
“I know it’s dangerous to tailgate; why do I do it?â€
“There I go, overreacting (or under-reacting) again!â€
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These internal battles are difficult to fight. They can create a profound lack of trust in ourselves. Exasperated, we might shrug and say “it’s just my personality†or “it’s genetic; my father was just like that.†These statements create an air of inevitability, as though we’re just going to have to learn to live with this aspect of ourselves. I’ve noticed “genetics†is a favorite fallback for when we don’t understand the threat response cycle, or the formerly adaptive learning that now contributes to our self-created troubles.
Of course, every person is unique. We all have cultural, familial, genetic, and individual components of our characters and behaviors, as well as unique histories. In this article, we are looking at a major portion of the equation that is often overlooked: the underlying psychophysiological (mind-body) “engine†that drives these responses. If the cortex (our “thinking brainâ€) is the road map, then the autonomic nervous system is the engine. (Might I note few cars go to the mechanic for GPS problems!)
According to Dr. Stephen Porges, the human nervous system essentially has the following “gears†available to it:
- social engagement (includes interaction with others as well as being in peaceful, relaxed alone time)
- fight, flight (experienced as anger/fear)
- freeze
All of these gears are responses to the environment and are designed to help ensure our survival.
Unlike a car’s gears, these human “gears†aren’t mutually exclusive. We can be primarily in social engagement, but feel the beginnings of the fight response begin to stir within us. Or we may be mostly frozen and immobile, but feel anxiety (flight) creeping up.
If we are in a safe and generally supportive environment, the healthy, well-balanced nervous system is in social engagement most of the time. In other words, it’s not wasting precious life energy by revving up into anxiety or anger when there is nothing actually threatening at the moment.
If something does start to go wrong in the social environment, a well-balanced nervous system will go to that social engagement option first: it tries to solve problems via discussion or negotiation, not jumping right into fight or flight. It uses exactly as much fight/flight/freeze as the situation warrants, and no more. All four responses are freely available, and our automatic perception of safety/threat, called neuroception, makes a snap judgment about which one to go to.
However, our previous learning comes into play. Our system goes to what has worked in the past, and it avoids what hasn’t worked. So if you grew up with a very angry parent, when you encounter stress as an adult, you might:
- freeze, and that’s the only response available; or
- shift into too much anxiety or anger for the current situation
Your automatic, default response in any given situation depends on what your autonomic nervous system found most helpful in previous situations of high stress.
Implicit in this model is the fact the more we drop out of social engagement and into a threat response, the more our survival energy is running the show and the more our frontal cortex (reasoning, socialization) goes offline. This explains why, under stress, we can engage in behaviors we really disagree with later.
The freeze response is closely related to tonic immobility, a state in which the body becomes motionless (like a possum). It’s also related to dissociation (disconnecting from one or more aspects of our experience). When it becomes chronic, it is also closely related to depression.
Let’s take a moment to focus on the freeze response, which generally tends to be the least understood of all of our “gears.â€
The freeze response is closely related to tonic immobility, a state in which the body becomes motionless (like a possum). It’s also related to dissociation (disconnecting from one or more aspects of our experience). When it becomes chronic, it is also closely related to depression. The freeze response comes up when the organism decides whatever is facing it is overwhelming, too much to cope with. Fight or flight won’t work. Therefore, it “decides†the best strategy is to hold still, be uninteresting, and see if the threat passes. Young children, who lack capacity for fighting or running away, are particularly prone to getting stuck in the freeze response.
In terms of self-regulation, the freeze response arises when the charge in the sympathetic nervous system climbs too high (fight/flight isn’t working!) and thus the parasympathetic activates at the same time, effectively buffering the high SNS charge. (For explanation of fight, flight, and freeze charges, please refer to my previous article.) People in freeze response look like they’re in a low-energy state, but it’s really a well-camouflaged high-energy state. It’s very costly to the body, especially when it sticks around longer than it needs to. And the nervous system can be slow to come out of this state.
None of these responses are a conscious choice. Many police officers, firefighters, and other first responders feel guilty when they freeze under stress, but it is neither their fault nor under their control. It’s been my consistent experience that these states can indeed be re-regulated, at least partially, so the autonomic nervous system adopts a healthier balance and more adaptive responses. This happens over time, with consistent work, and you have to be able to “speak reptile brainâ€â€”that is, know how to access and work with the unconscious part of the body-mind. I have generally not found it effective to work with these states via cognition alone, because cognition becomes unavailable under high-stress states. Somatically oriented psychotherapy, yoga, art therapy, and psychodrama are among the solutions many have found helpful when wrestling with the question of how to bridge the gaps within.
References:
- Arnsten, A.F., Raskind, M.A., Taylor, F.B., and Connor, D.F. (2014). The Effects of Stress Exposure on Prefrontal Cortex: Translating Basic Research into Successful Treatments for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Neurobiology of Stress, Vol. 1, January 2015, p. 89-99. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352289514000101
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York, NY: W.W. Norton and Company.