Angry boy sits at table, looking at a puzzle.Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a behavioral issue most often diagnosed in childhood. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists it in the category of disruptive, impulse-control, and conduct disorders.

ODD presents as a pattern of defiance, argumentativeness, anger, irritable mood, and/or vindictive behavior. For a diagnosis of ODD, the behavior must last 6 months or longer and occur with at least one person besides a sibling.

Children with mild ODD might only show symptoms at home or with family. Some children show behavioral symptoms without anger or irritation. But children who have mood symptoms usually also show argumentative and defiant behavior. Children who have ODD tend to justify their behavior, often blaming outbursts on unfair rules or the actions of others.

ODD and Mental Health

Children with ODD often have other mental health concerns, which may sometimes be mistaken for ODD. Issues commonly occurring alongside ODD include:

Recognizing co-occurring mental health issues is important, in part because ODD symptoms often improve when other concerns are treated. Symptoms that go untreated can make ODD more challenging to treat, and symptoms may get worse. An accurate diagnosis usually leads to the most improvement.

ODD Stigma and Associated Myths

Children with symptoms of ODD are often judged or viewed negatively because of their behavior. ODD may become a label to describe them. This stigma can have a negative effect on development and growth, especially when it stems from the (false) assumption that ODD can’t be treated.

If parents or teachers decide a child is problematic or will always misbehave, they may not pay attention to them or try to help them improve. Children may continue to act out as a result, and their behavior may get worse. They may continue to struggle at home or school. Having trouble developing friendships and other relationships is common. Children may also frequently come into conflict with authority figures throughout life.

If parents or teachers decide a child is problematic or will always misbehave, they may not pay attention to them or try to help them improve. Children may continue to act out as a result, and their behavior may get worse.

ODD may be partially stigmatized due to a fear of outbursts, violence, or aggressive behavior. While it is not typically characterized by violence, children may throw tantrums, attempt to annoy others and provoke reactions, and be difficult to work with in other ways. Stigma, and the isolation that results, can contribute to serious concerns, including depression, suicidal ideation, and substance abuse.

Stigma and myths about mental health issues often go hand-in-hand. Here are some common myths about ODD—and the facts to dispel them.

1. ODD only occurs in children.

While ODD is most often diagnosed in children, teenagers and adults can also have ODD. Symptoms of ODD usually first appear in childhood. When they aren’t diagnosed or treated, they can persist into adulthood.

Adults who have ODD typically show similar symptoms of anger and irritability. They might have difficulty concentrating, a tendency to hold grudges or seek revenge when they feel wronged, and a pattern of trying to control or disobey others. It’s common for adults with ODD to struggle in relationships and experience conflict with people in authority. Conflicts may lead to unemployment or legal concerns.

2. ODD and conduct disorder are the same thing.

Along with ADHD, conduct disorder is the condition that most commonly occurs with ODD. Having ODD, especially severe ODD, also increases the risk of developing conduct disorder, which affects about 30% of children with ODD, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

ODD involves irritable, argumentative, and defiant behavior. Those with ODD may defy or ignore rules or requests from authority figures, but behavior that’s violent or outright illegal isn’t common with ODD. Conduct disorder involves repeated violence, illegal activity, and/or disregard for others’ rights or property.

3. ODD is always a result of trauma.

It’s not fully known what causes ODD, but experts believe the condition most likely results from a combination of factors. While ODD may occur after an individual experiences trauma, this is not always the case.

Possible biological risk factors include family history of ODD, family history of mood issues, being exposed to toxins (including cigarette smoke), malnourishment, and brain impairment.

Possible social risk factors include poverty, neglect, unstable home life, and lack of supervision and involvement from parents.

Possible psychological risk factors include difficulty understanding social cues or developing relationships with peers. Having a parent who is frequently away or doesn’t seem to care is also a risk factor.

4. ODD is a result of bad parenting.

It’s true that ODD is associated with absent or neglectful parenting, but children with loving and present parents can also develop the condition. Research hasn’t determined a clear cause of ODD, but it’s likely to result from more than just parenting style. Some children may be genetically more likely to develop ODD. Other mental health and developmental issues can also contribute. When children first show symptoms of ODD, the way peers and parents respond can affect whether these behaviors get better or worse.

5. Punishment is the best way to correct behavior.

Research has shown that punishing behaviors associated with ODD does not help. In fact, harsh discipline is a risk factor for developing the condition. Inconsistent, severe punishment often leads to worse behavior. Experts also agree sending children to camps or retreats for “problem children” is unhelpful.

Finding the best way to discipline a child with ODD can be challenging. Strategies for parents of children with ODD include parent-management training, which teaches ways to positively respond to and discipline inappropriate and disruptive behavior.

6. ODD is impossible to treat. Expecting the behavior of individuals with ODD to improve is pointless.

ODD is very treatable. More than 65% of children with ODD see their symptoms go away in 3 years or less. It’s recommended that parents and teachers who note disruptive behavior consider underlying conditions instead of simply punishing or ignoring the child.

Treating children as if they’ll never improve can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children who are written off may doubt themselves or believe no one cares. As a result, they may be unmotivated to work on behavior, which may become worse.

When working with a child or young adult who has ODD, patience and compassion are key factors. It’s important to show children they’re loved and accepted, no matter how they act.

Helpful approaches to treatment may include:

Start here to find a licensed and compassionate therapist in your area who can help you, your family, or a loved one work through ODD and any co-occurring issues.

References:

  1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association. 103-110.
  2. Biederman, J., Faraone, S. V., Milberger, S., Jetton, J. G., Chen, L., Mick, E., Greene, R. W., & Russell, R. L. (1996). Is childhood oppositional defiant disorder a precursor to adolescent conduct disorder? Findings from a four-year follow-up study of children with ADHD. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 35(9). Retrieved from https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0890-8567(09)63494-8/abstract
  3. Hamilton, S. S., & Armando, J. (2008). Oppositional defiant disorder. American Family Physician, 78(7). Retrieved from https://www.aafp.org/afp/2008/1001/p861.html
  4. Mental health: Overcoming the stigma of mental illness. (2017, May 24). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/in-depth/mental-health/art-20046477
  5. ODD: A guide for families by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2009). American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org/app_themes/aacap/docs/resource_centers/odd/odd_resource_center_odd_guide.pdf
  6. Oppositional defiant disorder. (2013). American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/facts_for_families/fff-guide/Children-With-Oppositional-Defiant-Disorder-072.aspx
  7. Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). (2018, January 25). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositional-defiant-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20375831
  8. Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) in children. (n.d.). Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library. Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/mental_health_disorders/oppositional_defiant_disorder_90,p02573
  9. Signs & symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder. (n.d.). Valley Behavioral Health System. Retrieved from https://www.valleybehavioral.com/disorders/odd/signs-symptoms-causes

Preteen makes "talk to the hand" gesture to motherIf you pay close attention to social media, music messages, and news trends, you’d be forgiven for thinking disrespectful and rude behavior from children and adolescents is on the rise. The challenges of modern parenting certainly add a layer of complexity. In many families, the authoritarian parenting styles of previous generations have given way to a gentler approach to managing problem behaviors in kids, some of whom have less direct supervision with two parents working and thus more time to be influenced by peers.

Simply put, many parents don’t have the time or resources needed to thoroughly work through undesirable behaviors with their children. As a result, many children have a limited understanding of how to behave respectfully and appropriately.

Where Does Disrespectful Behavior Come From?

When your child or adolescent begins to behave disrespectfully toward you, it is a clear indication you’ve lost some control in the relationship. As a parent, it may be time to change how you respond to your child’s behavior. It is crucial to be consistent in your response going forward and to take your power back. You don’t have to adopt an authoritarian style of discipline in order to establish a clear, firm set of ground rules regarding what behavior will be tolerated and what will not.

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At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not all unpleasant behaviors are coming from an unhealthy place. It is not unusual for children and adolescents to challenge authority by rolling their eyes, talking back, or otherwise demonstrating an attitude. When kids behave in this way, they are often pushing back in the normal course of individuation, or developing a sense of self separate from their parents.

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Once you have emotionally entered into a power struggle with your child or adolescent, you have lost. The following are strategies to avoid being pulled into a power struggle:

  1. Do not take what is said by your child or adolescent personally. Although this can be difficult if your child or adolescent is swearing in your face or name-calling, getting swept up in the words and the heated emotions behind them will only undermine your message, which is: I am in charge here. Period.
  2. Have a plan ready. If your child or adolescent has been successful in embroiling you into a fight or a power struggle in the past, be prepared for them to try to do it again. Plan ahead about what you are going to do when your kid attempts to pull you in again. Plan to take a calm, businesslike tone. Know your limits in advance, plan to state them, and walk away. Plan to avoid engaging in push-pull.
  3. Give your child or adolescent an active role in resolving problematic behavior. I often recommend to parents that they involve their child or adolescent in discussions about what they believe the consequences for disrespectful behavior should be. If your kid has a voice in what happens, they may have more buy-in. Once consequences have been determined, you may decide to give the consequence and have a follow-up discussion later about what happened.
  4. Be consistent. Perhaps the most difficult part about parenting is being consistent, yet it is also the most important part. If you want your child or adolescent to take you seriously and behave differently in the future, you must be steady in your responses and the disciplinary measures you employ.
  5. Be clear about your role. As a parent, your role is to teach and model respectful behavior and effective problem solving in order to help your child or adolescent function appropriately and successfully. Your job is to help them grow into responsible, respectful adults in an increasingly challenging world. That means setting reasonable rules and limits, and being prepared to enforce them. Let it be known that while you love your child unconditionally, you won’t tolerate disrespect—toward you or anyone else.

Thank you for your question, which sounds like just about every parent’s nightmare—one that’s more common than you might think.

For me, the key to the answer is in your last two questions. You seem to assume that you did something “wrong,” leading to feelings of guilt, shame, anger (at yourselves or each other and/or your son), and say you want to get your son “back.” I assume you mean the way he was before he took on the appearance of a “rebel” from a bad 1950s movie.

He is still the kid you love, still good—just struggling with something beneath all of that strange and troubling behavior. I would hesitate to conclude he is definitely “ruining his life” because I would bet, in the larger context of his life, his behavior probably makes some sense. Most teens go through a rebellious phase, whose aim in part is to annoy or even frighten the living hell out of parents. So I wouldn’t take the bait completely. Of course this is very concerning and needs to be investigated, and consequences are crucial (provided they are communicated clearly and enforced consistently), but something tells me “tough love” or drawing a line in the sand may only alienate him. The trick is reaching to connect with the kid behind all this behavior (fighting, smoking) that also keeps his teenage need for individuation and autonomy in mind. Not the easiest relational dance by any means, which is why the teen years can be very difficult indeed, and why a good school counselor or family therapist can help.

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Seeing this as a family problem, not his problem or your problem, is key. Drawing in teachers and school counselors is good, as is including the parents of the other “troublemakers” he runs with. Something is attracting him to this crowd; what is it?

And again, what was happening before? Was he a good student? Fortunately, this is all happening now more or less under your roof, which tells me this is in part a communication to you—a rebellious, perhaps angry communication at that. As if he’s saying, “I’m making my own rules, got it?” But what might be happening in the family dynamic such that he feels compelled to “say” and do these things? And why isn’t he fearful of consequences? The compulsion to do these things, which includes numbing or distancing from certain thoughts and feelings, means whatever feelings he’s pushing away and expressing via behavior are more powerful than the fear of going off track in school and developing “shady” friends.

Why might he identify with these friends, incidentally? Try to really put yourself in his shoes and forget black/white, right-and-wrong thinking. The harder you push for “the right side” of the line, the more he’ll likely stand on the other side and dig in. Welcome to the teen years. But keep in mind this may be the only way he knows how to express whatever is happening inside him, probably inexpressible.

Of course your concerns are understandable, given his behavior at school and his alarming drug/alcohol use. Yes, many teens experiment with booze and pot, but in this case 15 is pretty early for him to be using it in such a casual way (as opposed to sneaking a beer or joint with friends at a concert). Again, it’s as if he wants you to know about it, as it’s happening, right under your nose.

In some cases, children have tried to be “good” for so long that this goodness becomes a burden, often privately felt, leading to a swing in the opposite direction. Or there’s an anxiety or hurt that drugs and booze cover up. Could your son find some rebellious expression in arenas besides pot—such as music, drama, filmmaking, sports, etc.? Something assertively geeky or super cool where he can stand out and feel good about himself? Teens want to be cool and feel cool, in all ways, be it computer programming or punk rock. These other kids he hangs with make him feel cool, though I wonder why he has embraced this particular incarnation. Of course, many of our greatest innovators were rebels; the challenge is finding an outlet that is free from self-destruction and liberates/transcends rather than medicates the difficult emotions of adolescence. (It’s difficult for parents, too!) It’s likely that underneath all this tough-guy stuff is fear and/or anxiety. It sounds like you may be anxious also, which is why you need to be a role model of calm. Anxiety is contagious throughout a family “system.”

It’s good that he wants to feel cool and have friends; what’s not cool is that his current behavior will lead him nowhere positive in the long run.

Has your son demonstrated an interest in anything previously that might provide for his self-expression? Anything creative rather than destructive? Can you or a counselor or teacher help him find such a direction? Anything that can “hook” his interest can help him find a way back into engagement with school, such as a magnet school for music or technology, for instance. Volunteer work, too. Karate. Photography. Fly fishing. Think outside the box; offer him incentives for trying something new. Maybe his dad or grandpa or someone could even try doing it with him for the first time or two. I’d bet he has an untapped passion.

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn’t acceptable to you both. Make sure you’re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he’ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.

And now, consequences. I imagine you have leverage, since he’s 15 and, I’m presuming, approaching driving age. He’ll want driving lessons, need car insurance, and so on. Here’s where you get to be loving but firm parents and decide what is and isn’t acceptable. Anything less than a “B” average, for example, means no driving. Missing a curfew means no car (and possibly phone) for the next __ days. Drinking and driving means no car keys for the next __ months, minimum, and the loss of other privileges (social media, etc.).

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn’t acceptable to you both. Make sure you’re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he’ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.

Usually a child his age struggles with developmental challenges. He may not be completely comfortable talking to you about them, which isn’t your fault. Is there a school counselor or teacher who can get involved? What do these folks, probably seasoned observers of teens, think might be happening? What about the parents of his pals?

Does your son have an uncle or grandpa, some adult he trusts, who can spend some time with him and help him open up about what’s going on? Can they go to a movie or a ballgame? It takes a village, as they say, and parents are often the wrong messengers for the right message because of the rebellion factor. Also, children need to complain and gripe about their folks a bit; sometimes “delinquency” is a kind of grandiose, covered-up lament or expression of hurt feelings that they feel can’t be expressed any other way.

What do the parents of these “bad influences” have to say? The more communication among all of you, the better. You need to know where your son is, within reason, and to let him and his friends know that caring eyes are watching.

Also, what is your own attitude toward drinking and drug use (including pills)? That may have some bearing on your son, if you or your husband tip too far toward rigidity or looseness; at any rate, his drinking and smoking is a symptom of something deeper, but neither is helpful to his development if overdone.

It would be interesting to reflect upon how and when the “old version” of your son changed, and what may have been going on in the overall context of his life. We all change. But was there any big change? New neighborhood, new school, the loss of a girlfriend? If he is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, why? What might be causing anxiety, worry, or other troublesome feelings? Is he worried about dating, college, becoming a man? I think it is important to remember he is still the boy you love, struggling as manhood fast approaches. It’s a confusing world, and teens are bombarded with all kinds of conflicting messages. Personal identity questions around freedom, autonomy, and self-expression are all being worked out, often awkwardly, as a new “family” of peers is developed. Again, the calmer you are—and the less your emotional security is dependent on his behavior—the better.

Also, what bothers you about this behavior? Are you concerned you or others will deem yourself a parental “failure”? Are you imagining the worst—i.e., he is headed for the penitentiary if this doesn’t stop yesterday? Are you already preparing the care package you’ll take to the visiting center, where he’ll be waiting in an orange jumpsuit? Try not to panic, as this may alienate him and scare him off. I know many productive, happy adults who went through a “dark period” in their teens. In fact, it’s better to get it out of the way now. He could also be testing you, to see how far he can go before losing (or not) your love of him. The trick as parents is loving the child without necessarily condoning certain behavior. Easier said than done. But he is and will always be your boy (even if he doesn’t express it that way). Often in the mid- to late twenties, there is a period of reconciliation where kids, now adults, realize how hard adult life really is.

Finally, the most important point of all, which may sound somewhat counterintuitive (but here goes): Take care of yourself. One thing parents forget, and I include myself here, is that we are most of all role models for our children, even when they act like we’re invisible (or annoying). Sometimes, our children will “counter-identify,” meaning they’ll take on the “reverse” identity of a parent, to distinguish themselves as different. Your son’s behavior is communicating something important to you, most likely unconsciously; it’s a good idea to try to “decode” what he’s trying to say. There’s no harm in some family therapy to seek some help in this.

Children often bridle at the implication that they are responsible for their parents’ emotional well-being. This only decreases and constrains the very freedom they’re itching to define. Of course parents get upset or angry or anxious when a child is in trouble—that’s normal—but I’m talking about something more profound, a core, existential sense of OK-ness. Parents who feel, consciously or not, that “my child’s ‘performance’ is a direct reflection of my own core worthiness” are setting themselves up for trouble.

I like the concept from recovery programs of “attraction, not promotion.” You want to provide an attraction to a peaceful sense of stability, calm, and strength which you personally embody. Not pounce and pick apart all of his behavior, which will only make him defensive and/or angry. In a way, you and his dad are the guardrails for safety, in deed and not just word. The guardrail needs to be flexible but not breakable, solid but not overly foreboding (or flimsy). Our children provoke our own need to grow and stretch as a person, and again there’s no shame in getting help. This might include therapy, Al-Anon, or a parents’ support group so you can learn from others—which would also be good role modeling for him. And any non-pressured family time, in whatever form (movies, ballgames, let him choose), will hopefully cultivate unity.

Finally, the National Institute on Drug Abuse has a page for parents on teens. There are other good resources for parents on the Internet also.

Thanks for writing, and warmest wishes to you and your family.
Darren

Close up of a little girl looking out a windowAs a family therapist, I have helped families work with benign issues, such as a teens refusing to clean their rooms, as well as extreme ones, such as revelations of sexual abuse. One of the more frequent issues brought to my attention is a parent’s lack of ability to “control” a child and the consequent use of spanking to garner this control.

Spanking as a Matter of Culture

Having been forced to respond to this issue time and again, I have done a lot of research and thought a lot about it. Aside from the obvious ethical issue—namely my role as a mandated reporter—I have had to struggle with a practice steeped in the history of American culture. Corporal punishment, or the deliberate infliction of physical pain, has been part of our culture since our early days as a nation, even being used today in some school systems in America (19 states allow it).

[fat_widget_right]Does spanking work? Should we all be hitting our kids to develop a society of rule followers who respect authority? Well, think about it: Does being afraid of authority necessarily mean you respect it?

Fear vs. Respect

What I have seen throughout my time as a therapist is that fear doesn’t usually tend to lead to respect. In my work, often one or both parents believe they were kept in line as a child only through beating. When we examine this more closely, the parents openly recognize corporal punishment did not always promote adherence to the rules when they were kids; they simply became better at not being caught breaking the rules.

In my experience, corporal punishment (or spanking, whooping, hitting, beating, etc.) often promotes more aggressive behavior in the child at home and in school. The child who is punished with spanking is often left with few skills to cope when difficult situations and emotions arise, and they tend to repeat the modeled behavior of the parent by turning to physical aggression to solve problems.

An article in Monitor on Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association, examined spanking research conducted over the years. Several recent peer-reviewed studies indicate children who had been disciplined with corporal punishment were more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior toward friends and siblings. One study, published in 2011 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect, looked at 100 families with children ages 3 to 7 and found in households where children were spanked, the kids were more likely to use violence to resolve conflicts with their siblings and friends. The article in Monitor also shared evidence that physical punishment may increase the risk for mental health issues for kids, including anxiety and depression.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.” These kids want to escape the relationship because they see the punishment as abuse.

How Can We Parent Our Kids Without Spanking?

The use of rewards and consequences can be one of the best ways to gain respect and control over children and teens’ behavior. Many caregivers try this and fail. In many cases, one parent didn’t maintain the rewards or consequences, or a partner undermined efforts. I often see parents who haven’t completely committed to the use of rewards and consequences, and instead of working on becoming more consistent, blame is put on the child.

To effectively administer a plan to discipline and encourage your children, there are a few steps to follow:

  1. Make two separate lists: one of behaviors you want to promote and one of behaviors you want to work on decreasing. Examples of behaviors to increase include taking out the trash, cleaning the bedroom, and completing homework. Behaviors to decrease could include being impolite, hitting, and fighting. Each child is different, and a plan has to be tailored to the needs of your family.
  2. Think about appropriate rewards and consequences for each behavior. Parents can come up with many rewards that don’t cost a thing and may improve relationships in the family. Examples of rewards are: playing a game with your child, taking your child to the park, and/or letting your child spend time with friends. Consequences can include taking away privileges (use of video games, phone, etc.) and grounding or time-out, depending on the age of your child.
  3. Share the plan with your child. Children must be aware of the possible consequences and rewards in order to give them the chance to make the appropriate choices. Parents can use this plan as a tool by reminding the child of the consequences of their choices before they make them.

If your child is not used to facing consequences, they will likely resist, and it may require some effort on your part to remain firm and maintain the consequence. Persevering through the first month or so will be necessary to see positive, long-term results in your parenting style and your relationship with your child.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.”Some factors make maintaining a plan for rewards and consequences difficult. Guilt is probably the No. 1 reason I hear for a parent not being able to us this system to improve a child’s behavior. Lack of support is the second most common, and when there is support, often spouses and co-caregivers can’t agree on how to parent, and thus “splitting” occurs. In this scenario, the child gets away with whatever they want, and the parents end up angry at each other. For these three reasons, among others, many parents struggle with creating and maintaining boundaries and expectations for their kids.

A careful mix of executive authority and a nurturing stance is needed to earn respect from your kids. If you are struggling to implement such a plan, don’t resort to hitting. Working with a therapist can help you cope with feelings of guilt and can also help you and your spouse or co-caregiver work as a team and eliminate splitting. As this article suggests, you are not alone, and seeking help from a therapist in no way means you are a failure, but instead represents that you are a proactive parent.

References:

  1. Rochman, B. (2012, July 02). Hitting your kids increases their risk of mental illness. Time. Retrieved from http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/02/physical-punishment-increases-your-kids-risk-of-mental-illness
  2. Smith, B.L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
  3. Strauss, V. (2014, September 18). 19 states still allow corporal punishment in school. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/09/18/19-states-still-allow-corporal-punishment-in-school/

Unhappy Mother Dressed For Work Holding Baby In BedroomMany years ago, before I had children, I worked with a parent who confided that she would sometimes get so frustrated with her baby that she fantasized about throwing him out the window. I was horrified to hear this, and thought there was something really troubled about this parent—that is, until I had my own (colicky) baby and began to have similar fantasies.

Just to be clear, neither this parent nor I was going to hurt anyone. There is a world of difference between fantasizing and acting. But our feelings of frustration and hate were very real and powerful. And we are not alone. Having had the pleasure of both participating in and leading several parenting support groups over the years, I can tell you that many parents have feelings of hate or other strongly negative feelings toward their kids at one time or another.

So, if hating our children is so ubiquitous, why isn’t it more openly acknowledged?

We have all heard (ad nauseam) about the positive feelings we are supposed to cultivate in ourselves and express toward our children, feelings such as patience, acceptance, unconditional love, pride, etc. Rarely, though, do we hear about the validity of feeling hate or other strongly negative feelings toward our children.

Fortunately, this has shifted somewhat in the past decade or so. The proliferation of parent support groups where the expression of negative feelings is accepted and supported, and the publication of books such as the satirical parenting guides Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, et al., Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault by Bunmi Laditan, and the faux children’s book Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortes, have helped normalize parents’ negative feelings. Despite these advances, however, a culture of secrecy and shame around hating our kids persists.

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In order to understand why this is, it might be helpful to first look at the question of why we hate our kids.

To some extent, it’s just common sense: spending hours upon hours, days upon days, years upon years taking care of someone who is dependent on you, but often demanding and resentful of you, naturally breeds some negative feelings.

For a more in-depth look at parental hate, Donald Winnicott (a psychoanalyst and coiner of the phrase “the good enough mother”) explained it best when he gave the following reasons (among others) as to why a mother might hate her baby (1975; p. 201).

And yet, Winnicott goes on, for all the hate the mother may feel toward her baby, she must learn to tolerate this feeling without acting on it or expressing it in its raw, rageful form (p. 202). In short, mothers—and I would add fathers, too—must contain their feelings of rage. Perhaps it is this need for containment and the challenges this task poses that explains why parental hate is still somewhat taboo.

But what does it even mean to contain one’s negative feelings toward one’s child? And why is it so important?

I would argue that containment is achieved when parents are able to accept and integrate into their emotional landscape, at least to some extent, their negative feelings toward their children. Generally, when we fail to accept our negative feelings toward our children, we act in one of two ways: we become rageful or we withdraw emotionally, either of which can be problematic.

When we rage at our children, we give them the message that we are not in control of our negative feelings, that negative feelings are scary and bad, and that any such feelings they have should be expressed in a similar way, or hidden away because they are too scary.

Alternatively, when we cut ourselves off from our negative feelings or hide them away such that we don’t have access to and don’t express them to our children, our children get the message that negative feelings are unacceptable and wrong and that when they feel and/or express negative feelings, they are bad for doing so. Having negative feelings becomes a scary, lonely, and powerless experience.

So, if we aren’t supposed to act on or hide our hateful feelings toward our kids, what the heck do we do with them?

As I suggested above, the first step is to accept them, to not feel ashamed of them, to understand that they are valid. In this way, we come to integrate these feelings into the rest of who we are and what we feel. In practice, this might mean sharing our feelings with other parents, complaining about or talking trash about our kids to others, or maybe speaking with a counselor or therapist—release! Often, this is enough for us to feel sane and in control and to contain our negative feelings in a way our child needs.

Sometimes, though, it is not enough for us to calmly hold our negative feelings without expressing them. Sometimes our children need to feel our hate or negative feelings toward them—not necessarily in their raw form, but in a controlled way.

Why is this? Why do our children ever need to experience our hate toward them?

How Psychoanalysis Can Inform Parenting

Once again, I believe Winnicott explained it best when he stated (1975): “It seems doubtful whether a human child as he develops is capable of tolerating the full extent of his own hate in a sentimental environment. He needs hate to hate.” (p. 202)

Hyman Spotnitz, founder of modern psychoanalysis, a branch of psychoanalysis, elaborated on Winnicott’s thesis when he wrote about the relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. In psychoanalysis, it is believed that the relationship between the person in therapy and the therapist inherently evokes feelings from the former’s past (and sometimes the therapist’s, too), particularly with regards to the relationship to his or her parents. When evoked in the context of the psychoanalytic relationship, certain powerful feelings can arise in the person toward the therapist and the therapist towards the person in therapy, including feelings of hate.

Although he cautioned against expressing all of one’s feelings toward the people one works with in therapy, Spotnitz warned against the therapist always hiding his negative feelings (2004). He wrote, “To allot too little hate to a patient who needs to learn to experience and sustain it comfortably is unjust. To give him too little feeling because the analyst has too much of it is a technical error. The patient is entitled to whatever feeling—positive or negative—he needs …” (p. 159)

Spotnitz further writes (2004) that the therapist needs to express his hatred in order to help the person in therapy experience and sustain his or her own negative feelings. In this way, the therapist helps the person feel less alone with his or her hate, feel that the therapist is more like him/her, with a more equitable balance of goodness and badness (that is, the person is not all bad for his or her negative feelings, and the therapist not all good for not expressing his/hers).

Spotnitz also suggests (2004) that the sharing of the therapist’s hate can reassure the person in therapy of his or her impact on the therapist, giving the person a sense of control and power. Furthermore, when the therapist expresses negative feelings to the person, the person can see that the therapist’s verbal expression does not necessarily lead to action, the therapist thereby modeling for the person the importance of putting feelings into words rather than acting out.

While I do not advocate being therapists to our children (in fact, I strongly caution against it), I would argue that many of the beliefs of psychoanalysis more generally, and modern psychoanalysis specifically, very much apply to parenting. We need to try to accept and integrate our feelings of hate and other negative feelings toward our children so that we can contain them and, when appropriate, choose to express them to our children in a controlled fashion. In this way, our children can see that we have powerful, negative feelings, too, and that they are not alone with their scary, hateful feelings and are not bad for having them. We let our children know that despite how powerless they feel at times, they do have some power in being able to affect us and stir up powerful feelings in us. We help our children accept and integrate their own hate, so that it becomes one of many feelings they can experience and express, not one that is split off and acted out because of fear or shame.

In short, sometimes our hate can be helpful to our kids.

So, what does “helpful hate” look like in practice?

How Hate Can Be Helpful

To illustrate, I recount a situation with a parent, whom I shall call Angela, who was a member of one of my parenting groups.

Angela was a parent of two—a 6-year-old girl, whom I will call Josephine, and a 3-year-old boy whom I will call Sam. Josephine had been a very easy baby and toddler; she had a calm temperament and was well-behaved. Angela felt confident and competent in her parenting of Josephine.

It was therefore a bit of a surprise and disappointment to Angela when Sam was born and turned out to be a very difficult baby and toddler. Much more physically developed than verbal, Sam would get frustrated when he didn’t get his way and couldn’t express himself, and would often hit Angela, quite hard, to express his frustration. Angela would become enraged and scream at Sam when he hit her. Sam, in turn, became very scared and would start sobbing inconsolably, at which point Angela would feel so guilty that she would apologize profusely and try to comfort Sam, to no avail. Unfortunately, this became a cycle, with Angela and Sam clearly both very upset about what was happening between them, but with the hitting and screaming continuing.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

When Angela spoke in the parenting group about this dynamic, she expressed deep shame about her rage and her screaming and the cycle in which she and Sam were engaged. She so desperately wanted to be in control and to figure out a way to break the cycle.

After several weeks of discussing her predicament, one of the other members of the group blurted out, “Sam’s a terror! Of course you want to scream at him! It’s a miracle you don’t hit him back!” Angela looked stunned, but then burst out laughing, as did the rest of the group.

It seemed that something had been liberated in Angela. She had finally been given permission to accept her strongly negative feelings toward Sam. Little by little, Angela was able to discuss and accept her more negative feelings—her disappointment that Sam wasn’t easier like his sister, her anger at Sam for leading her to feel like an inadequate parent, and much more.

Over time, these feelings stopped being so scary and shameful to Angela. As Angela became more accepting of her negative feelings, her rage began to dissipate, and when Sam hit her, she often felt “simply” angry rather than enraged. Angela began to feel more in control of her feelings and more able to focus on what to do with Sam in a less reactive, guilty way.

Over time, Angela’s yelling at Sam began to decrease. Rather, when Sam hit her, Angela would firmly and somewhat angrily tell Sam to stop, that she knew he was mad but that hitting was not OK, that if he was mad, he could yell “No!” or “I’m mad!” She would then send Sam to his room for a time-out.

It seemed to have the desired effect. Over time, Sam’s hitting greatly decreased and his use of the words “no!” and “mad!” greatly increased. It would seem that, for both Sam and Angela, negative feelings had become more acceptable, more integrated parts of who they were and how they interacted with each other.

Although it is impossible to know what Sam’s subjective experience of all this was or even to be sure what aspect of Angela’s approach was effective, I would speculate that because of the changes in Angela’s feelings and actions, she was able to accomplish at least some of the following:

Of course, there are times when this type of approach doesn’t work for a variety of reasons. Hey, nothing works all the time in parenting. We are human; we lose control; our kids lose control. And certainly, many parents are perfectly capable of handling their hatred and other negative feelings without the help of psychoanalysis.

Nonetheless, what I think is unique about psychoanalysis and what it can contribute to parenting is its ability to help people learn about and accept all their feelings, both positive and negative, and to show people what to do with their feelings (contain, express, etc.), particularly the more difficult ones such as hate.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

References:

  1. Kilmartin, L., Moline, K., Ybarbo, A., & Zoellner, Mary Ann. (2012). Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us. Harry Abrams.
  2. Latidan, B. (2015). Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault. Workman Publishing Company.
  3. Mansbach, A., & Cortes, R. (2011). Go the F**k to Sleep. Akashic Books.
  4. Spotnitz, H. (2004). Modern Psychoanalysis of the Schizophrenic Patient. YBK Publishers.
  5. Winnicott, D.W. (1975). Hate in the Countertransference. Through Pediatrics to Psychoanalysis, pp. 194-203. New York: Basic Books.

parent and childBeing a good parent can be difficult. We are never really taught how to raise children effectively, and generally tend to repeat behaviors we have learned from our own parents. If we grew up in a dysfunctional environment, this can lead to our replicating the same mistakes we witnessed and experienced as children when our turn to become parents comes around.

Many parents who come to see me ask how they can learn better parenting skills. They often feel ineffectual when trying to discipline their children, but do not know what they can do differently. The following are some effective tools to use in order to bring about a little more order in your household:

1. Praise Your Children

Any time you catch your child being good, make sure you let him or her know how appreciative you are of his or her good behavior. Everyone responds in positive ways to praise, children included, so this will encourage your child to behave in desirable ways.

2. Use Behavioral Incentives

In order to inspire your kids to do their chores, put a chart or calendar up on the wall listing, day by day, the tasks you want them to complete. This could include things such as taking out the trash or setting the table for dinner, but you can also include behaviors such as doing their homework, brushing their teeth, or being nice to siblings.

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When the child performs the desired behaviors, he or she gets to put a sticker on the chart for the day. As your child accumulates a certain number of stickers, he or she can earn special incentives that are known ahead of time. These could be anything from choosing a favorite dinner, going on a special outing, watching a movie that your child has been looking forward to, or anything else he or she would enjoy.

For very young children, it can be helpful to break down the day into shorter periods in order to reward desired behaviors more quickly. You may want to have them be able to earn three stickers a day, for example—for the morning, afternoon, and evening. Even if they are not successful for the entire day, they can at least be rewarded for shorter time periods and will gradually want to earn more and more stickers and rewards.

3. Use Consistent Discipline Techniques

When your children misbehave, they need to understand the specific behaviors you do not want them to do. Let them know what they are doing wrong, then provide a warning. Your explanations should be very clear and simple, so that they understand exactly which were the problem behaviors.

When your children misbehave, they need to understand the specific behaviors you do not want them to do.

If a child continues to misbehave, put him or her in a designated area away from the rest of the family that has been chosen for time-outs. Make sure that the child remains in the designated spot for the entire time-out period. The time-out should not last more than several minutes, but the child should not be allowed to talk or play during this time.

At the end of the time-out period, reiterate to your child the reason that he or she was put in time-out and ask for an apology. Consistency is very important when it comes to teaching children appropriate behavior, so the time-out strategy should be used every time your child misbehaves after having been given an initial, unheeded warning.

4. Communicate with Your Child

If your child is acting uncharacteristically poorly, attempt to find out what may be going on. Children have a tendency to act out when they are being picked on at school or sense tension within the family. Try talking with them to find out if they are upset about something you are unaware of so you can address any potential problems.

5. Maintain a Structured Routine

Children respond well to structure, so try to have meals and bedtime at the same time every day. When kids become overly tired, they may be more prone to acting out, so make sure they are getting enough rest.

Using the techniques above can help to make for a more peaceful home environment. If you are still having problems managing your child’s behavior or your child has recently become more fearful, angry, or aggressive, meeting with a psychotherapist may be helpful in order to explore the underlying reasons for the behaviors and to get your child back on track.

father talking to sonIt’s a commonly held belief that while our parents’ generation failed to pay enough attention to our thoughts and feelings as children, our generation cares too much about our children’s thoughts and feelings. While this is certainly an over-generalization, I believe it reflects an important reality: Parents today have difficulty setting limits and saying “no” to their kids.

This does not mean we should stop listening to our children. Rather, the key to effective limit setting is finding a balance between being firm, on the one hand, and giving our children some control on the other. If we can identify what our children are capable of, hold onto the limits we know to be important, compromise on those we don’t, and include our children in the process when appropriate, the limit setting process can be (if not exactly fun) quite manageable.

To illustrate this point, I would like to start by describing some limit setting dilemmas a few parents with whom I have worked have faced, and a parenting moment of my own (lest anyone think I am suggesting this limit setting stuff is easy). I have changed the names and details for confidentiality purposes.

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Sleepless Sally: Dan and Mary attended a limit setting workshop I gave because their 2-year-old, Sally, was not listening to them. When I asked Dan and Mary about their approach to limit setting, they explained that they never used the word “no” with Sally because it was too negative. Instead, they would try to explain the reason for the limit in a more positive tone. For example, when Sally refused to get ready for bed (a frequent occurrence), they would tell her, “You need your sleep. Aren’t you tired yet? It’s important to get enough sleep.” When I asked them what they would do if Sally started to run into the street by herself, they responded, “Sally, why don’t you stay with Mommy and Daddy?” They knew their approach wasn’t working, but did not know how to fix it.

Trampoline Thomas: Another parent, Karen, who consulted with me about her 5-year-old son, Thomas, explained that Thomas did not respect the limits she tried to set. Karen was particularly upset over a recent visit to a friend’s house. Her friend had a trampoline, which Thomas absolutely loved. Thomas loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to stay at the kitchen table during dinner, instead leaving the table to go on the trampoline. Karen tried to dissuade Thomas from going to the trampoline during dinner, but she couldn’t seem to figure out how to get him to stay. After a few nights of unsuccessfully trying, Karen decided to set a consequence for Thomas: If he got up from the table and went to the trampoline during dinner, he could not play on the trampoline at all the next day. Despite Karen’s warning, at the next dinner Thomas got up and went to the trampoline. The next day, Thomas was not allowed on the trampoline, but that night at dinner, he did the same thing again. When I heard this story, I was surprised; I would have thought a day without the trampoline would have been enough to get Thomas to change his tune. As I inquired more about the consequence and its implementation, however, Karen sheepishly admitted that not only had Thomas been prohibited from using the trampoline, but everyone had been disallowed from using it, lest Thomas be upset about being left out!

Reserved Rachel: While my daughter, Rachel, had always been rather reserved, it wasn’t until she was 9 years old that my husband and I really took in the fact she was not saying hello to anyone in our building (or in public), even if they greeted her first. Pointing out to Rachel that this was rude or that others might not like her did not seem to help, nor did setting consequences or rewards. We were really at a loss.

I recount these stories not to show how lousy these parents and I are at parenting. We aren’t. In fact, we are all loving, caring parents who really just want to figure out how best to support and help our children. Frankly, all parents try things with their kids that don’t work. Rather, I want to use these stories to highlight how complicated limit setting can be and to point out some of the important questions we need to ask ourselves as we go about the job of figuring out how to set limits with our kids. These questions include:

  1. Why are limits important?
  2. How do I know when limits are appropriate?
  3. How do I enforce limits?
  4. When and how should I use consequences?
  5. When and how should I use incentives?

1. Why Are Limits Important?

Sometimes, amid the battle of limit setting, we feel like giving up and giving in. At these times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves why we need to stick with it. And here’s why:

Limits help children feel safe, physically and emotionally: It may seem like our children hate us when we tell them what (not) to do, but unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously), children often have their fingers crossed that we will take charge. Why? Because they don’t have total control over themselves and this is scary for them! Until they learn self-control, which happens slowly over the years, our children rely on us to provide that structure and control. In fact, it is partly how they learn self-control, by internalizing the structures and limits we provide them. It is how they feel safe.

For example, if a 2-year-old is doing something dangerous (like running out into the street), the parent must act quickly (“No!” is great for dangerous situations). Two-year-olds do not have the impulse control or reasoning skills to assess danger on their own. They need to be taught to be cautious and wary of certain situations.

Limits teach children how to regulate their different needs (hunger, tiredness, transitions, etc.): Children need to learn how to listen to their bodies and respond appropriately. This is not something that comes easily or quickly. By having routines and limits for our children, we are helping to regulate our children in ways they are not yet capable of. We are also modeling for them the importance of listening to one’s body and needs.

Perhaps because of our determination not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us and/or because of all the research showing us how smart and capable our children are from very young, parents today often assume that our children are able to regulate their needs on their own, much as adults do. However, this is typically not the case. Learning to self-regulate is a process that happens over many years; it is a developmental task that can’t be rushed. At any given moment in time, we need to figure out what our children are capable of and not ask more from them.

For example, understanding the importance of sleep and being able to choose one’s bedtime is something that Sally, at 2, is simply not capable of. She does not have the cognitive capacity to understand the importance of sleep, delay gratification, or regulate her tiredness and activity level.

Limits teach children important social skills (turn taking, being polite): I am a big believer in allowing children to feel whatever it is they feel, no matter how difficult it may be for them or their parents to handle. However, feeling something and acting on it are two very different things. While a 1-year-old may not be capable of distinguishing between the two, a 5-year-old certainly is.

Thomas, for example, is probably capable of sitting at the dinner table for a reasonable amount of time, assuming he is developmentally more or less on track. At some point, trying to understand why Thomas has trouble sitting at the table will be helpful, but understanding is not a substitute for setting the limit.

Rachel, after much discussion, agreed to work on greetings through role-playing with my husband and me. Rachel also suggested she would try to make eye contact and smile and/or wave to people so that they would not think she was rude. We all agreed on a system for carrying this out. Carried out with starts and fits over time, these solutions helped Rachel feel more comfortable interacting with the outside world.

Parents are one of the primary carriers of culture for our children in these early years. It is our responsibility to teach our children how to be in the world in a way that won’t annoy everyone else. Introducing some of the social graces—sitting at the dinner table, taking turns, greetings, thank yous, etc.—and limiting the no-nos—hitting, biting, grabbing, etc.—is an important part of that job.

Limits help children build self-esteem: When children are able to predict and meet our expectations, they feel more competent. As children learn through our limits how to regulate their needs, handle their feelings, and function effectively in the outside word, they become more confident. However, when we expect too much of them, the opposite can happen; kids can become very frustrated and disappointed in themselves. This brings us to our next question …

2. How Do I Know When Limits Are Appropriate?

I would argue that limits are appropriate when they reflect an understanding of what your child is capable of developmentally, reflect an understanding of your child’s unique needs, and take your (the parents’) needs and preferences into consideration.

One of the problems that Dan and Mary faced with Sally was that they didn’t seem confident about how much sleep she needed. Although it can be hard to know how much sleep an individual child needs, there is a range that is commonly accepted (which you can readily find online). After we discussed this range together, Dan and Mary, through trial and error over a few weeks, were able to figure out how much sleep Sally needed. Feeling more confident about how much sleep Sally needed then made it easier for Dan and Mary to enforce her bedtime. Having a consistent bedtime helped Sally get the sleep her body needed and helped her begin to learn how to self-regulate her own tiredness.

Another reason setting limits is important is that it helps you take care of yourself. For example, having a consistent, reasonably timed bedtime for your child usually gives you some much-needed down time—time to relax, catch up with your partner, and recharge a bit before you face another day of parenting. This benefits not only you, but your child as well. A parent who takes care of himself or herself is generally a happier, more patient parent.

Lastly, when deciding which limits to set, try not to sweat the small stuff. If allowing your child to watch an additional 15 minutes of television gives them a sense of agency and you a much-needed break, why not? As long as the 15 minutes doesn’t turn into two hours, being flexible within your structure gives your child the message you are willing to take their wants and needs into consideration, but that when you set a firm limit, there is a reason for it. In my experience, children tend to respect limits more when there is some flexibility on the stuff that is not as important.

3. How Do I Enforce Limits?

When setting limits, I recommend keeping the following in mind:

Before setting a limit, you need to be confident about why you are setting it. Kids of all ages pick up on doubt. If you start to waver, you are going to have a much harder time setting the limit. When explaining a limit, less is definitely more. With Sally, age 2, “It is time for sleep” is about all she can handle. Said with confidence, Sally will understand the importance of this limit, even if she goes to bed kicking and screaming.

With a child like Thomas, age 5, a longer explanation can be offered, preferably ahead of time rather than in the moment, something in the realm of, “During dinner, you need to sit at the table with everyone else.” “You are not allowed on the trampoline during dinner; it is not safe.” “If you leave the table tonight, you will not be able to use the trampoline at all tomorrow,” or some variation thereof. If your child has questions about the limit you’re setting, feel free to explore, but when it starts to feel repetitive and unproductive, I would suggest ending the conversation with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how it is going to be.”

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on.

With Thomas, it might even be possible to discuss what is going on for him, what he is feeling, and why he doesn’t want to sit at the dinner table. Perhaps there is something specific that is bothering him. More generally, in setting limits with a 5-year-old, it is often a good idea to ask what limits they consider appropriate. Interestingly, children often come up with harsher limits than we do and are more likely to follow limits they have helped set. Of course, if it feels like your child is playing a game of what-can-I-get-away-with, this is not the route to go.

With Rachel, age 9, I believe she was able to follow through on the agreed-upon strategy in part because she helped come up with the alternatives (eye contact, smile, and waving) herself. Children tend to respond better to limits when they feel like they have some control, no matter how small that control is.

Of course, once you’ve set your limit, you need to enforce it. If you are not able to follow through, the limit obviously gets harder to enforce. However, even if you have had difficulty in the past, it is never too late to start to enforce a limit. A quick heads-up to your child about the change may be useful in advance. “I know I have been letting you get up from the dinner table the past few nights, but tonight is going to be different …” Your child may very well test you for a few nights, but if you are firm, you should be able to get back on track relatively quickly.

Checking in with yourself as to why you are having difficulty enforcing the limit is a good place to start. One reason some parents have difficulty enforcing their limits is because of what I call the “empathy trap.” When our children are upset, we feel badly for them and want to empathize with them. It’s important for us to do this, yes, but when their being upset is connected with a misbehavior or refusal to comply with a limit, we need to be able to separate our children’s behavior from their feelings so we can effectively set the necessary limit. I generally recommend a simple statement of empathy followed by a limit. With Sally, it might mean a sympathetic, “Aww, I know it’s hard,” as you carry her off to bed. With Thomas leaving the table, I might say something like, “I know it is hard for you to sit at the table, but dinner is not over yet.” With Rachel it was, “I know how hard it is for you to greet people in our building, but it is important you not appear rude.”

Later, when the limit setting moment has passed, you might talk to your child about their feelings connected with the (mis)behavior, either through direct conversation (as with Thomas or Rachel) or, for younger children such as Sally, through reading a relevant, age-appropriate book (e.g. on bedtime) or through making a simple observation such as, “Sometimes children get angry at their mommy and daddy when they make them go to bed.” We want to validate all of our children’s feelings, but not all of their behaviors.

4. When and How Should I Use Consequences?

Sometimes you can set a limit and not have to give consequences. Phew! For those times when limits alone seem not to be working, however, consequences can be very effective. Of course, setting consequences is not always easy. One of the difficulties parents face in setting consequences is the worry they will have to keep enforcing the consequence over and over again, which can feel too punishing and depriving, or feel like too much work. However, if consequences are chosen wisely, enforcing them just a few times is often enough to deter the continuation of the misbehavior without being overly punitive.

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on. In the example with Thomas, Karen was able to pick a consequence that was realistic insofar as it was developmentally appropriate and seemingly practical and relevant insofar as it involved the trampoline, but she didn’t seem to have the wherewithal or confidence to follow through. She simply could not tolerate the idea of Thomas being left out.

One consequence that is particularly controversial among parents and parenting experts is the timeout. There are probably as many opinions about timeouts as there are parents and experts, so my opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion. It is my belief that timeouts should primarily be used for when a child is in some way out of control—temper tantrums, disrupting a gathering, biting, hitting, or threatening another, etc. The main point of a timeout should be to help the child feel more in control of their behavior. In this view, timeouts are less about punishment and more about removing the child from a troublesome or volatile situation.

Regardless of why you give your child timeouts, however, it is important you do so in an effective way. Ideally, your child would be able to be in their own room or crib until they have calmed down or for however long you have designated the timeout. Depending on the situation, you might choose to be right outside the door to let the child know you are there (without a lot of discussion or engagement), but this does not mean being in the room with your child. Sometimes parents have their child sit on a chair quietly for a few minutes. This is fine as long as the child experiences it to be calming in some way or, if you are using it as a punishment, somewhat negative. The goal with timeouts, like other consequences, is to motivate the child to not do the behavior again and/or to help the child regroup and calm down.

5. When and How Do I Use Incentives?

Sometimes there are behaviors that don’t seem consequence-worthy but need limits, such as getting ready in the morning, getting ready for bed, cleaning your room, etc. In his wonderful book on limit setting, 1-2-3 Magic, Dr. Thomas Phelan calls these behaviors “start behaviors.” These are behaviors you want your child to do (rather than not do) that generally require more participation from your child than “stop” behaviors.

One of the techniques Dr. Phelan recommends for incentivizing these behaviors is “positive reinforcement” (or as some of us prefer to call them, “bribes”). Stickers, treats, etc., are great for these behaviors and help get you and your child out of battle mode. Just be sure to pick a reward that is age-appropriate (a 2-year-old simply cannot wait a whole week for a reward) and is sustainable over the medium- to long term—e.g. a few graham crackers versus a lollipop every day.

Again, as much as possible, involve your child. Even a 2-year-old can decide choose between graham crackers or Goldfish for a reward; the child will feel more in control and is more likely to comply with your limits. Some parents lament the idea of having to bribe their child indefinitely, but it is my experience that (for most behaviors) once the behavior becomes routine, the reward is less important and eventually can be discontinued or modified if you so choose.

Conclusion

Limit setting is not for the fainthearted (neither is having children!), and a lot of figuring out what works is through trial and error and being open to considering other approaches. If you maintain an open attitude to learning about your child’s capabilities and needs and set realistic, age-appropriate limits that allow for some input from your child when warranted, you will most likely find the job of limit setting gets easier and easier as time goes by (well, at least until your child turns 13—EEK!).

Mother with her daughterThe refrain is familiar. Frazzled parents enter my office and are at a loss as to how to handle the intense emotions of their child. “He goes from zero to 60 in no time flat,” they report. Sometimes the child is lashing out in anger, sometimes he or she is overcome with sadness. The overall effect is that the parents are left confused about how to help the child put on the brakes when emotions take control.

Let’s look at a case of a child we’ll call Justin (not his real name). Justin, a third-grade student, has always had trouble managing intense anger. He often loses his temper with his younger brother, resorting to screaming, hitting, or saying very mean things (i.e. “I hope you die!”). He sometimes makes hissing noises at his parents when he becomes so angry that he can’t express his feelings in words. Other times, he attempts to escape the situation by leaving the house or hiding.

Justin’s parents never know exactly what will set him off, so they find themselves walking on eggshells in their own home. The types of events that may trigger an emotional reaction for Justin are often minor and seem out of proportion. Chores, homework, and other daily activities can ruin an entire day, and the family sometimes feels compelled to leave social events due to his behavior.

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His parents simply want Justin to be resilient enough to handle the obstacles he faces in his daily life. They know his behavior has, at times, impacted his peer relationships, and although Justin desires more friendships, he has a difficult time establishing and maintaining them because of his anger outbursts.

When Justin comes to counseling sessions, we spend a lot of time exploring these events and searching for more appropriate coping skills. As Justin has progressed through counseling, he has made strides to recognize that his intense emotional reactions are causing more problems than they are solving. We work on relaxation and realistic reframing of negative thoughts to help get through these events.

As we worked through these types of experiences, a pattern began to emerge that I have frequently seen with others.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well.

When Justin had an angry outburst because he was going to have to share his post-baseball game ice cream with his brother, he was already in a poor mood because his team had lost the game and he had struck out. Was this outburst really about having to share his ice cream?

After having a tantrum at home because he would not be allowed to play with his neighborhood friend due to other family commitments that day, his teacher sent an email sharing that Justin had been upset at school about an argument with that friend. Was the meltdown related to the fact the family had other plans and he wasn’t getting his way?

Being asked to put his homework away after spending over an hour on a writing assignment caused a major incident with books being thrown, name-calling, and Justin being carried to his room because he was unable to calm himself. Was the incident caused by being asked to transition from homework to dinner time?

In each of these situations, there was a preceding event that triggered some uncomfortable emotions in Justin. He felt embarrassed by his performance during the baseball game; he was worried about the impact of the argument with his friend; and he was frustrated by the writing assignment that he felt had to be “just right.” It is easy to mistake the reaction as the stubborn response of an obstinate child.

By working with Justin to trace back the events to the true trigger, it became clear that he experiences uncomfortable emotions and struggles to verbalize them and process them independently. This results the discomfort building and eventually exploding as anger, directed at anybody who may be nearby. Through therapy, Justin continues to work on identifying the first uncomfortable emotion and finding ways to reduce the resulting anxiety before it builds to the point that he acts out in anger.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well. Here are some steps to help you get started with identifying the first emotion:

Girl Inside CarDuring healthy development, children learn that the people around them are mostly safe and trustworthy. Even when they do not get what they want, they eventually learn to self-soothe in many ways as they grow. They may try persuasion or defiance to get what they want or avoid what they do not want, but ultimately they learn that being respectful and cooperative maintains stability. Because the average child’s brain is not easily triggered to extremes, they typically find ways to self-soothe, delay gratification, and self-regulate their emotions.

Either due to traumatic experiences—including abuse or extreme neglect—or developmental anomalies, some kids have intense fight, flight, or freeze responses and little ability to self-soothe. Chronic volatility in family relationships can also set this pattern into motion. Developmental neurobiologist Daniel Siegel (2003) wrote, “The mind develops as the brain responds to ongoing experience.” Problem behavior is a manifestation of well-worn neural and cognitive pathways that translate into reflexive emotional, cognitive, and behavior patterns.

We must learn to detour kids’ domino-effect reactions, which so frequently emanate from underlying fear or shame. Matthew Selekman (1993) wrote that change arises “out of the breaking of patterns, both of thought and action, the interruption of repeating sequences.” Many adults perpetuate volatile cycles of emotion, thought, and behavior unintentionally by interacting with children in ways that trigger further volatility.

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Navigating out of these ruts requires self-control, empathy, and creativity. Explosive and withdrawn behaviors are typically adaptive responses, arising out of needs to be liked, valued, and respected, needs to have some sense of predictability and control, needs to heighten or lessen sensory stimulation, or all of the above. When behaviors are confronted through criticism or control, a defensive neurophysiological response perpetuates the vicious cycle through an emotional display on the outside of feelings being felt on the inside.

Development is a train choo-choo-ing along. When the Polar Express slid out of control on a lake of ice, it took courage, creativity, and collaboration to aim it back onto its tracks. It is important to maintain firm guidance alongside unconditional acceptance, as well as to discern that fine line between what is vital and what is negotiable. Consequently, the need to become defensive and act out may diminish over time if the child finds that it is not needed anymore to be heard or to feel loved.

I describe therapeutic connection in the acronym ATM, in which “A” stands for accommodation, “T” for tracking, and “M” for mirroring. We maximize opportunities for connection when we accommodate our use of words to those used by another, track and intentionally relate with the stories they tell, and mirror body language to the extent that it sends the message, “There is no need for defense. I’m here with you, and I care about you. I’m trying the best I can to know you.” This is part of the way we invest into the relationship account, and when the time comes for withdrawal, those who have done so won’t go for broke.

It is important to maintain firm guidance alongside unconditional acceptance, as well as to discern that fine line between what is vital and what is negotiable.

Children who are withdrawn often need greater affirmation of their strengths and efforts. Mark Twain once wrote, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” When someone approves of some part of who we are, it is as if that part of us becomes illumined. The need for approval can be compulsive, but just about anything can be. The truth is that we benefit from that sort of love in our lives. We grow better in the light.

Discipline should aim to teach and to train a child. We must not fail to teach facts and skills, for they are pixels in the resolution of a bigger picture. Yet, insight also has its limitations. I believe that there are few better ways to teach or train a child than to immerse him or her in the best experiences that life has to offer: fun, silliness, art, creativity, exercise, work, rest, food, adventure, and relationship—not necessarily in that order. I call these the parenting disciplines. Shared moments equal shared lives.

Children who are explosive may engage easily in power struggles. Before getting hooked in, learn the patterns and try to better anticipate them. Proactively communicate about expectations, limits, and consequences so that they are clear, measurable, and enforceable. When a power struggle is beginning, verbalize guidance authoritatively, then stop talking, and maybe even walk away. Become a broken record, if need be, in reinforcing limits. Play good cop/bad cop, and let established rules and limits do the dirty work.

If you accidentally get stuck in a power struggle, catch yourself, confess it, and end it: “Ah, you hooked me, and I just realized it.” It’s OK to change your mind. It’s also OK to be honest about your own internal ambivalence about a decision, yet to be firm in it. We need not hide these tricks up our sleeves.

Also, be sure that you understand the difference between perpetual tugs-of-war and constructive complaints or requests from your child. Be open to negotiating or changing your mind when there is opportunity to be flexible. Diplomacy and adaptability are fundamental life skills for all of us, skills that are gained via modeling and experience, and we would do well to pass them along to our children.

More than anything, it is important to remain calm and cool-headed when facing difficult behavior. The best strategy is to “seek first to understand and then to be understood.” When people are angry, resistant, and anxious, feeling that someone is attempting to hear and understand them can be calming and helpful.

Many children carry with them legitimate anger, fear, sadness, and shame related to predispositions, situations, and experiences largely out of their control. They need someone to love them in spite of ways they reflexively aggress or distance as they negotiate through ambivalent inclinations. At the end of the day, every child wants to be heard, which is just another way of saying understood, and loved, which is just another way of saying known.

There is a child in your life secretly hoping you will hear and love him or her today. Will you?

References:

  1. Selekman, M. (1993). Pathways to change: Brief therapy solutions with difficult adolescents. New York: The Guilford Press.
  2. Hartzell, M., & Siegel, D. (2003). Parenting from the inside out. New York, NY: Tarcher/Penguin.
Father and son sitting on a park bench
Father and son sitting on a park bench

As parents, we frequently focus on learning how best to “discipline” our children. Yet I find the greatest challenge in learning how to be, as a parent, disciplined.

Parents must become savvy in the implementation of effective disciplinary strategies that are clear, reasonable, and enforceable, but—more importantly—parents first must test their own discipline as people. Disciplined parenting calls for heightened self-awareness.

Much of the research on parenting styles has studied the ways in which parents are responsive as well as demanding. Responsiveness is about understanding and meeting needs, while demanding-ness is about establishing and enforcing expectations. Skillful parenting in these ways undergirds two fundamental, equally necessary forces in human development: attachment and autonomy.

To the extent we are securely attached, we experience trust and emotional connection which are critical to enhancing our capacity for relating well to others. To the extent we are responsibly autonomous, we are able to self-soothe and engage in independent tasks which are critical to living well in society.

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Parenting challenges such as attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles are nearly always expressions of underlying and unresolved needs functioning toward a child’s development. As parents, we must recognize in facing such behavior that we stand at a crossroads—externally control our children’s behavior or positively influence their intrinsic development?

The American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr became famous for a prayer he often repeated in one form or another: “Lord, grant me the courage to change the things that I can, peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the context of parenting, at least, change is about control.

We must learn there are limits to the effectiveness of external control in cultivating the development of our children’s character and resiliency, yet we can provide a great amount of powerful influence.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

We must understand, for instance, that we cannot purely control our children’s disobedient behavior, refusal to do chores, sneakiness, shyness, moodiness, tantrums, demands, overreactions, unresponsiveness to affections or praise, or unwillingness to participate or connect.

What we can control, however, are the ways in which we establish rules and set limits, link privileges to responsibility, allow space and privacy, show interest and inquire into their lives, provide regular choices, use a calm yet firm voice, give our affections and praise, and plan and spend quality time together.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

The Couch Potato

Some parents are disengaged from their children’s lives and tend to be emotionally detached, practically uninvolved, and negligent in establishing expectations and guidance. I call these parents “couch potatoes.” They are characterized by unresponsiveness to needs, few demands, and little communication.

There are several ways to traumatize with neglect. Provide food and shelter, if that, but little else. Remain emotionally distant. Be selfish and uncaring. Do not enforce any standards of any kind. Uninvolved parenting practically ensures that a child will fear and sabotage close relationships, experience heightened anxiety, and have significant deficiencies in his or her capacity for empathy and even ethical decision-making.

The Dictator

Some parents are highly demanding of their children but not responsive to their emotional needs. I call them “dictatorial” parents. These parents are generally characterized as more rigid, harsh, and demanding and tend to engage in provocative and punitive forms of discipline.

There are several ways we can make children behave—force, fear, and punishment. Dictatorial tactics serve to overpower a child. These methods may result in the restoration of order and compliance, yet far from nurturing unmet developmental needs, they simply make a child angry, resentful, fearful, and dependent upon force.

The Peer

Some parents are highly responsive to their children’s perceived emotional needs but not very demanding. They are overly responsive to a child’s wants and seldom establish or enforce consistent rules or limits. I call them “peer” parents. Others may characterize them as soft or pathetic in their approach to discipline.

There are several ways we can get children off our backs—whine, appease, avoid. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing with their children, yet may fail to engage in effective guidance. By overvaluing friendliness and undervaluing other aspects and principles, parents may inadvertently reward or reinforce immature or deviant behavior.

The Disciplined Parent

Parents who are highly attuned and responsive to their children’s needs and are also highly demanding of them in guiding them toward maturity and independence are, by necessity, disciplined in their parenting. Disciplined parents are firm but not rigid; they are willing to make an exception when the situation warrants.

Disciplined parenting engages in responsive and restorative discipline that focuses on instilling key values and skills, including self-soothing, delaying gratification, constructive communication, fairness, and citizenship. Disciplined parenting serves to empower a child, focusing on responding to developmental needs (the responsive aspect) and teaching how to make things right after they’ve gone wrong (the restorative aspect).

How would you describe your own approach to parenting and discipline?

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