by Katherine French-Ewing, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado

What Are YOUR Ripple Effects?

The other day, I was in the grocery store people-watching (a favorite pastime). I noticed a disturbing trend – heads down, eyes averted, super-weary body language, people silently walking around as if under a spell. My heart wept to see the disconnection. The ripple effects of this pandemic are real.

With your mask on, are you still connecting with others, making eye contact and smiling with your eyes? Or are you, like most of us, going into an auto-pilot, “find what I need and get out” mentality? To offer levity and joy, I try to go out of my way to verbally connect with people while shopping or running errands. It’s funny how diverse the responses are – surprise, delight, relief… always positive, though. I want the ripple effects of how I show up to be life-giving. 

Pandemic Ripple Effects

Have you found yourself sleepwalking through life lately? Phrases I hear frequently from new clients are “I am just trying to survive” and “I feel numb, like I don’t have time to feel anything” or “I feel ______(fill in the blank) all the time and it gets worse if I am in public.” A core part of our humanity is to yearn to be seen, heard, and to know that our existence matters. The challenge is affirming these pieces in others even when you feel less-than-affirmed yourself.  

Am I Seen?

This is our cry for uniqueness. Ever noticed how some people are making or buying blinged-out masks so they can wear something that stands out? Perhaps it is because they want to be recognized as someone who brings something unique to the table. With everyone in masks, we are slowly being desensitized to the non-verbal signals around us, sometimes resulting in a deep sense of disconnect and division. Intentional connection with those around you can overcome this phenomenon; compliment them or offer a smile so they know you see them.

Am I Heard?

With so many voices being silenced in social media today and so much content being censored, those who had been struggling pre-pandemic to believe the truth — that their voice matters — easily fall into despondent, defeatist mindsets. Find your tribe and offer your voice there in that safe space. If you feel fired up about something, consider what steps you can take to share your opinion where it will be taken seriously and respected. Your story and your perspective matter.

Do I Matter?

Your life is significant in ways you are not even aware of. Do what lights you up, and do it with all your heart. We are drawn to those who are walking in step with their values and passions. Perhaps what you are bringing into the light inspires someone else to step out courageously. When you are stuck fixating on your life circumstances, widen your scope and seek out those in need. Meet that need the best way you can and watch what happens within your heart and community. Serving others brings purpose to your life in a deeply meaningful way. The gifts, passions, and skills you can offer are unique and greatly needed.

Choose Your Ripple Effects

Think of the image of a beautifully still lake. If we throw a heavy object into that water, what happens? Think of those ripples as your decisions and thoughts every day. Are they having a positive, neutral, or negative effect on others? Today, I challenge you to gently consider what your ripple effects are in this season. Maybe even journal about it or chat with a trusted friend or family member for feedback. If your effects aren’t aligned with your values and the core of who you are, then maybe it is worth re-evaluating how you are showing up in this world. If you had a positive ripple effect on others consistently, how would your life feel and look? Connecting with a professional who is for your growth, who offers a compassionate, objective perspective, can be a game-changing experience. Your life matters. Your impact on others matters.

Working with a therapist to deal with the ripple effects of the pandemic on your life could be the best way for you to grow. Many therapists, like Katherine, offer free initial consultations so you can ensure a good fit. Search therapists in your area and find the right-fit therapist for you!

Keeping Your Love Tank Full During the Pandemic

You may have heard this phrase: “Love is not a guarantee.” The idea is that although you love someone, things may not always work out the way you want. This concept goes hand in hand with the Love Tank Theory, which suggests that our ability to love can run on empty if our “love tank” is not being filled. What fills up a love tank? The theory says this happens with frequent emotional connections. Not surprisingly, the coronavirus pandemic has triggered a wave of relationship changes as couples face unexpected hardships and challenges. So how can we keep our love tank full during the pandemic?

The Love Tank Theory

This theory, written about in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, talks of every person having a love tank. This tank’s fullness is controlled by emotional connections and disconnections and is tampered with throughout day-to-day life.

An Empty Tank

Depending on who each person is in and out of the relationship, a tank is filled and emptied in a variety of ways. Someone’s tank might empty if they are not receiving enough physical affection, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or other love languages native to their heart. What might empty one person’s love tank might not empty another’s. Our tank is drained when our emotional needs in the relationship are not being met. Once the tank is empty for too long, permanent damage can be caused to the relationship.  

The Impact of the Pandemic on Our Tank

Increased Stress/Anxiety/Worry

For many, the pandemic has brought an influx of stress, anxiety, and worry. There is still quite a bit that is unknown about the pandemic like when it will end or when regular life will return to normal. This has an increasing number of people experiencing fear for what the future holds. This can impact their mental health on a deep level. When our partner does not understand or respond in the way we need, it might drain our tank.

Limit on Physical Interactions

For partners who do not live in the same household or are long-distance, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on physical interactions. Travel restrictions have made it difficult for partners who do not live together to remain closely connected in everyday life. This could also apply to couples where one works in a high-risk environment. For individuals who depend on physical interaction to fill their tank, this could be increasingly draining. This increased remoteness during COVID-19 may also make it harder for those who prefer to receive love as quality time, since the opportunities and the types of quality time that can be spent together are likely diminished quite significantly. 

How to Refill Our Love Tank:

Intentional Connection

Being intentional with your time together is key to filling your love tank. Each person in the relationship needs to be on the same page about dedicating time to one another. Dedicating time and space to spend interacting with a mutual understanding of its importance for your relationship can be a great way to fill one another’s tank.

Communication

You have heard the phrase “communication is key” before. Open, honest, and intentional communication is essential to keeping our love tanks full. This involves more than just talking about each other’s day. Each person in the relationship should speak honestly about what they are feeling, how the other person makes them feel, and what they need in the relationship. This vulnerability strengthens the bonds of the relationship, giving space for each partner to be seen, known, and loved, and creates a healthy avenue for the expression of hopes and expectations. 

Relationships take work, especially in circumstances that demand we get creative. COVID-19 has certainly created such demanding circumstances for our relationships. Moving toward one another is an important part of keeping your love tanks full and your relationship satisfying. 

If you and your partner are struggling during the pandemic, you might consider connecting with a therapist in your area. To start your search, click here.