by Katherine French-Ewing, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado

What Are YOUR Ripple Effects?

The other day, I was in the grocery store people-watching (a favorite pastime). I noticed a disturbing trend – heads down, eyes averted, super-weary body language, people silently walking around as if under a spell. My heart wept to see the disconnection. The ripple effects of this pandemic are real.

With your mask on, are you still connecting with others, making eye contact and smiling with your eyes? Or are you, like most of us, going into an auto-pilot, “find what I need and get out” mentality? To offer levity and joy, I try to go out of my way to verbally connect with people while shopping or running errands. It’s funny how diverse the responses are – surprise, delight, relief… always positive, though. I want the ripple effects of how I show up to be life-giving. 

Pandemic Ripple Effects

Have you found yourself sleepwalking through life lately? Phrases I hear frequently from new clients are “I am just trying to survive” and “I feel numb, like I don’t have time to feel anything” or “I feel ______(fill in the blank) all the time and it gets worse if I am in public.” A core part of our humanity is to yearn to be seen, heard, and to know that our existence matters. The challenge is affirming these pieces in others even when you feel less-than-affirmed yourself.  

Am I Seen?

This is our cry for uniqueness. Ever noticed how some people are making or buying blinged-out masks so they can wear something that stands out? Perhaps it is because they want to be recognized as someone who brings something unique to the table. With everyone in masks, we are slowly being desensitized to the non-verbal signals around us, sometimes resulting in a deep sense of disconnect and division. Intentional connection with those around you can overcome this phenomenon; compliment them or offer a smile so they know you see them.

Am I Heard?

With so many voices being silenced in social media today and so much content being censored, those who had been struggling pre-pandemic to believe the truth — that their voice matters — easily fall into despondent, defeatist mindsets. Find your tribe and offer your voice there in that safe space. If you feel fired up about something, consider what steps you can take to share your opinion where it will be taken seriously and respected. Your story and your perspective matter.

Do I Matter?

Your life is significant in ways you are not even aware of. Do what lights you up, and do it with all your heart. We are drawn to those who are walking in step with their values and passions. Perhaps what you are bringing into the light inspires someone else to step out courageously. When you are stuck fixating on your life circumstances, widen your scope and seek out those in need. Meet that need the best way you can and watch what happens within your heart and community. Serving others brings purpose to your life in a deeply meaningful way. The gifts, passions, and skills you can offer are unique and greatly needed.

Choose Your Ripple Effects

Think of the image of a beautifully still lake. If we throw a heavy object into that water, what happens? Think of those ripples as your decisions and thoughts every day. Are they having a positive, neutral, or negative effect on others? Today, I challenge you to gently consider what your ripple effects are in this season. Maybe even journal about it or chat with a trusted friend or family member for feedback. If your effects aren’t aligned with your values and the core of who you are, then maybe it is worth re-evaluating how you are showing up in this world. If you had a positive ripple effect on others consistently, how would your life feel and look? Connecting with a professional who is for your growth, who offers a compassionate, objective perspective, can be a game-changing experience. Your life matters. Your impact on others matters.

Working with a therapist to deal with the ripple effects of the pandemic on your life could be the best way for you to grow. Many therapists, like Katherine, offer free initial consultations so you can ensure a good fit. Search therapists in your area and find the right-fit therapist for you!

By Shannon Mosher, Licensed Professional Counselor

Top 3 Best Ways of Preventing Misbehavior in Children—Homeschool Edition

There are myriad reasons parents choose to homeschool their children: parental control over the pace and approach to subjects; more flexible schedules and routines; more opportunities for children to develop discipline; faster progress with one-on-one learning; customized approach for a student with special needs—the list of reasons goes on and on. Parents have been choosing homeschooling over public education for as long as public education has existed. However, many parents in the last year did not choose to have their children learn from home. That decision was made for them.

The COVID-19 pandemic forced public school systems—and many other schools—to move their classes onto online learning platforms to safeguard the health of students, teachers, school faculty, and their families. For many parents of these children, this was uncharted territory—they were not used to having their children at home 24/7. This new situation came with many new challenges. No longer were public school teachers responsible for dealing with their children’s misbehavior throughout the day; it was now the responsibility of the parent.

Many parents are still struggling with this aspect of schooling children at home and may not know what to do or where to start. If you’re in this group and still experience some frustration with having your child at home 24/7, here are three of the best ways to prevent misbehavior and have an easier homeschooling experience.

#1: Give Your Child Choices

When it’s time for your child to do chores, eat a meal, or participate in other activities, giving them options to choose from is an excellent way to build trust and respect. The ability to make their own decisions gives children agency, something that they are always striving to develop as they grow. Remember: a growing sense of autonomy is natural, appropriate, and healthy as children mature.

Here are two key guidelines parents ought to remember when giving choices to their kids:

• Try not to overwhelm your child with too many choices. Instead, give them just two options: “Would you like to wash the dishes or wipe down the countertops?” Children are more likely to accept a chore when they are able to choose the task themselves rather than have it imposed upon them by an authority figure. The same is true for meals and even recreational activities—as long as you’re consistent and provide choices to your child regularly, they will not push back against you as much as they would if you imposed your decisions upon them.
• When children question your decisions, refuse to comply, or exhibit misbehavior, it is usually an effort to test boundaries. If you give them choices one day but none the next, it can be confusing for the child and lead them to test just how much power they have in their lives. Be sure to maintain consistency in order to avoid this confusion and prevent frustration in both you and your child.

#2: Set Boundaries with Your Child

As stated before, children are constantly testing limits and boundaries. This may sound like a bad thing, but it’s a natural and important part of the growing up process that helps them to become more independent. 

Setting limits won’t completely remove misbehavior like arguments or backtalk, but it can significantly reduce such behavior. Clear boundaries can keep your child from testing them as much (though they will always be testing them). Providing consequences will reinforce those boundaries and expectations.

So, how can you establish boundaries with your child?

• Teach them how to express themselves in a kind and respectful manner.
• Don’t negotiate with your child or allow long discussions on why something must be done. Instead, outline consequences that they will be better able to understand.
• Be consistent with boundary-setting.
• Be clear about what is non-negotiable: rules that must be followed, such as safety rules.
• Follow through on the consequences.

#3 Create Morning and Evening Routines

The life of a child is one of constant change; it’s confusing, unpredictable, and even scary. This uncertainty often leads to misbehavior as the child fights to feel some sense of control amid this uncertainty. By establishing habits and routines, you can clarify your child’s roles and responsibilities at key times of the day. 

Providing your child with a sense of certainty about how parts of their day will go can help them feel safe and secure and may even allow them to thrive. Routines are an excellent way to develop that sense of security and diminish control-seeking misbehavior. Establish these habits slowly by focusing on just one part of the day.

Using visual reminders such as checklists can help foster a sense of discipline in your child and lead them to finish their tasks without requiring any prompting from you. In addition to creating routines, you should use boundaries and consequences to reinforce those routines (“If you don’t complete the checklist, you don’t get your allowance this week.”)

Note that, while routines are important and effective, it’s okay for parents to deviate from time to time in order to demonstrate flexibility. 

Conclusion

The great thing about these methods is that they are interdependent and form a coherent, effective system for reducing misbehavior, creating healthy habits and routines, and developing discipline in children while they are at home. It won’t be easy, but over time you will have a much-improved homeschooling experience!

Struggling with pandemic-era parenting demands? You’re not the only one. To find a therapist who can help you navigate these concerns, search for a therapist in your area and filter your results by Common Specialties > All other issues > Parenting.