Giving children choices, even when they have to do something, can empower them and reduce resistance. This approach fosters independence and decision-making skills while maintaining the necessary structure. Here’s how you can effectively offer choices to your child: 

1. Offer Limited Choices

Provide options that are acceptable to you, ensuring that either choice meets the desired outcome. For example, if a child needs to clean up toys, you might say, “Would you like to start with the blocks or the cars?” This approach gives them a sense of control within set boundaries. 

2. Be Clear About Non-Negotiables

Start by clarifying what is non-negotiable, then present choices within that framework. For example, “We need to leave for school in 10 minutes. Would you like to put on your shoes now or in five minutes?” This communicates that leaving is not optional, but how they prepare can be their decision. 

3. Use Positive Framing

Frame choices positively encourage cooperation. Instead of focusing on what they cannot do, highlight the options they can choose from. For instance, instead of saying, “You can’t play until your homework is done,” try, “Would you prefer to do your homework before or after a snack?” 

4. Respect Their Preferences

When possible, respect your child’s preferences to show that their opinions matter. This can build trust and make them more willing to comply with necessary tasks. If they choose an option, follow through with it to reinforce that their choice is valued. 

5. Keep Choices Age-Appropriate

Tailor the choices to your child’s age and developmental stage. Younger children might handle simpler options, like choosing between two shirts, while older children can manage more complex decisions, such as planning their weekend activities within set parameters. 

6. Encourage Responsibility and Consequences

Explain the consequences of their choices to help them understand responsibility. For example, “If you choose to play before doing homework, you might have less time to play later.” This helps them learn to weigh options and outcomes. 

7. Remain Consistent and Follow Through

Consistency is key in reinforcing the value of choices. If you offer choices, be prepared to honor them, unless a safety or ethical issue arises. This consistency builds trust and teaches them that their choices have real consequences. 

8. Encourage Problem-Solving

Involve your child in problem-solving when they resist both options. Ask, “Is there another way we can solve this problem?” This encourages creative thinking and reinforces that while some things are necessary, there might be flexibility in how they are approached. 

9. Provide Praise and Positive Reinforcement

Acknowledge and praise your child when they make a good choice. Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue making thoughtful decisions in the future. 

10. Use Choices as a Teaching Tool

Use these moments as opportunities to teach about decision-making, consequences, and personal responsibility. Discuss why certain choices are better in specific situations to help them develop critical thinking skills. 

By offering choices within a structured environment, you give your child a sense of autonomy and control, which can reduce power struggles and enhance their cooperation. This approach helps children feel respected and valued, laying a foundation for healthy decision-making skills. 

 

“Their main sources of anxiety are feeling guilty when they displease others and the fear of being exposed as imposters. Their biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing and then becoming resentful of how much they do for others.”  

Dr. Lindsay Gibson 

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be a challenging experience. It can feel like trying to solve a complex puzzle with missing pieces. During your formative years, you may have been exposed to an emotional environment where your parents’ ability to offer maturity, support, and comfort was often unreliable. This post delves into the traits and impacts of emotional immaturity, exploring how its lasting effects touch various aspects of your life. These effects can range from missing childhood memories to struggling with emotions (alexithymia), self-esteem, and adult relationships. We aim to outline these obstacles and, more crucially, shed light on a journey towards healing and fostering healthy, meaningful connections. 

Understanding Emotional Immaturity 

What does it truly mean to be emotionally immature? It refers to the difficulty in managing emotions in a positive way, which often leads to unstable relationships and a lack of empathy. For an emotionally immature parent, their children’s emotions may seem like an unfamiliar and incomprehensible language. Their own emotional needs take priority, resulting in a household environment that overlooks the emotional needs of their children. It becomes customary to avoid emotional discussions, leaving their children to navigate an emotional landscape without guidance. 

Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents 

The characteristics of emotionally immature parents can manifest subtly, shaping the narratives their children internalize. Some children may grow up in an emotionally unstable home where a parent’s mood swings dictate the family’s stability. In contrast, others may encounter a distant, disengaged parent. Emotionally immature parents may also struggle in their relationships, leaving their children without a healthy relational model. The impact of emotionally immature parents on their children can be profound and multifaceted, creating an emotional landscape that can hinder personal growth and foster lifelong patterns. Children of such parents often feel emotionally isolated, burdened, and prematurely independent. It’s crucial to recognize these effects to reshape one’s life narrative. 

Patterns in Relationships Beyond the Youth 

The impacts of growing up with emotionally immature parents ripple through all future relationships. Adult children find themselves drawn to partners, friends, and workplaces mirroring the dynamics from their youth. This unconscious repetition of familiar yet unhealthy relationship patterns serves as a poignant example of how deeply emotional immaturity can shape us. Awareness of these patterns is the first step in breaking free from their destructive hold. 

Healing and Growth in the Face of Emotional Immaturity 

The healing process for adult children of emotionally immature parents is a multifaceted and often protracted undertaking. It involves a critical cataloging of one’s emotional landscape, relearning how to express and receive emotions, establishing a supportive community, and potentially seeking professional counseling. Only by unearthing the root of one’s relational difficulties can true growth be attained. 

Self-awareness and Breaking the Cycle 

When individuals encounter emotional immaturity in their parents, self-awareness becomes both a refuge and a tool. By unraveling the emotional patterns ingrained during childhood, grown children can pave the way for a new trajectory. Cultivating self-awareness serves as a defense against unknowingly perpetuating these patterns with their own offspring. Setting  

The journey to healing for adult children of emotionally immature parents is intricate and often prolonged. It encompasses meticulously examining one’s emotional terrain, rediscovering how to express and accept emotions, building a supportive network, and possibly engaging in professional therapy. Genuine personal growth can only blossom through uncovering the origins of one’s relational challenges. 

Boundaries, both emotional and physical, are the vanguard of any relationship. They delineate where one person ends and another begins. For adult children of emotionally immature parents, setting and maintaining boundaries can be a revelation, a tool to ensure that one’s emotional well-being is sacrosanct. It’s a powerful assertion and an act of self-care that can revolutionize one’s relationship dynamics. 

By understanding the characteristics of healthy, mature relationships, those who’ve faced parental emotional immaturity can start to redefine their relational map. This process involves identifying and nurturing relationships built on trust, empathy, and a mutual exchange of emotional support. 

Seeking Professional Help and Guidance 

Therapy plays a crucial role in the healing journey of adult children with emotionally immature parents. Collaborating with a skilled professional who understands the intricate dynamics of familial emotions can be truly liberating. It provides a nurturing environment to unravel, rediscover, and rebuild one’s emotional landscape, step by step, in a supportive atmosphere that fosters progress without judgment. 

For those starting on this demanding yet profoundly rewarding path, seeking professional assistance is not just an option; it is a vital stride. Trained therapists can guide individuals through the complexities of their emotional world, help them grasp the nuances of emotional immaturity, and offer practical strategies for emotional growth. 

Conclusion 

Navigating a relationship with emotionally immature parents is a crucial part of our emotional journey. It involves reflecting on the past to shape a more satisfying path ahead. Through self-awareness, establishing boundaries, and seeking support, emotional wounds can evolve into sources of strength, empathy, and positive relationships. The road to healing may be extended. Still, with patience, understanding, and self-compassion, adult children can break free from the cycle of emotional immaturity and create a happier, healthier future for themselves. Remember that you are not alone in this journey; seeking help is never a sign of weakness. 

Recap of Key Points 

In our deep dive into the complex realm of emotional immaturity and its impact on adult children, we’ve touched on the spectrum of challenges: emotional loneliness, premature independence, and the repeating cycles of relational patterns. However, we’ve also highlighted the many avenues for change and growth, from therapy to establishing new, healthy relationships. With each step forward, the narrative that began with emotionally immature parents can evolve into one of triumph over adversity and a life rich with emotional maturity and fulfillment. 

Millions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

• They don’t like sleeping on the floor or on the couch 
• They don’t want to be packed into a small space with tons of people 
• They wouldn’t be able to get intimate with their partner in their family member’s house 
• They wouldn’t be able to watch their favorite TV shows 

• They don’t like the food their family serves 
• They wouldn’t be able to walk around in their underwear 
• They’d have to share a room with a relative 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

• Why are you gathering? 
• Which members of the family are most likely to cause trouble? 
• What are some of the pitfalls your family has encountered in the past? 
• What does the vision for a more acceptable gathering look like? 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

By Shannon Mosher, Licensed Professional Counselor

Top 3 Best Ways of Preventing Misbehavior in Children—Homeschool Edition

There are myriad reasons parents choose to homeschool their children: parental control over the pace and approach to subjects; more flexible schedules and routines; more opportunities for children to develop discipline; faster progress with one-on-one learning; customized approach for a student with special needs—the list of reasons goes on and on. Parents have been choosing homeschooling over public education for as long as public education has existed. However, many parents in the last year did not choose to have their children learn from home. That decision was made for them.

The COVID-19 pandemic forced public school systems—and many other schools—to move their classes onto online learning platforms to safeguard the health of students, teachers, school faculty, and their families. For many parents of these children, this was uncharted territory—they were not used to having their children at home 24/7. This new situation came with many new challenges. No longer were public school teachers responsible for dealing with their children’s misbehavior throughout the day; it was now the responsibility of the parent.

Many parents are still struggling with this aspect of schooling children at home and may not know what to do or where to start. If you’re in this group and still experience some frustration with having your child at home 24/7, here are three of the best ways to prevent misbehavior and have an easier homeschooling experience.

#1: Give Your Child Choices

When it’s time for your child to do chores, eat a meal, or participate in other activities, giving them options to choose from is an excellent way to build trust and respect. The ability to make their own decisions gives children agency, something that they are always striving to develop as they grow. Remember: a growing sense of autonomy is natural, appropriate, and healthy as children mature.

Here are two key guidelines parents ought to remember when giving choices to their kids:

• Try not to overwhelm your child with too many choices. Instead, give them just two options: “Would you like to wash the dishes or wipe down the countertops?” Children are more likely to accept a chore when they are able to choose the task themselves rather than have it imposed upon them by an authority figure. The same is true for meals and even recreational activities—as long as you’re consistent and provide choices to your child regularly, they will not push back against you as much as they would if you imposed your decisions upon them.
• When children question your decisions, refuse to comply, or exhibit misbehavior, it is usually an effort to test boundaries. If you give them choices one day but none the next, it can be confusing for the child and lead them to test just how much power they have in their lives. Be sure to maintain consistency in order to avoid this confusion and prevent frustration in both you and your child.

#2: Set Boundaries with Your Child

As stated before, children are constantly testing limits and boundaries. This may sound like a bad thing, but it’s a natural and important part of the growing up process that helps them to become more independent. 

Setting limits won’t completely remove misbehavior like arguments or backtalk, but it can significantly reduce such behavior. Clear boundaries can keep your child from testing them as much (though they will always be testing them). Providing consequences will reinforce those boundaries and expectations.

So, how can you establish boundaries with your child?

• Teach them how to express themselves in a kind and respectful manner.
• Don’t negotiate with your child or allow long discussions on why something must be done. Instead, outline consequences that they will be better able to understand.
• Be consistent with boundary-setting.
• Be clear about what is non-negotiable: rules that must be followed, such as safety rules.
• Follow through on the consequences.

#3 Create Morning and Evening Routines

The life of a child is one of constant change; it’s confusing, unpredictable, and even scary. This uncertainty often leads to misbehavior as the child fights to feel some sense of control amid this uncertainty. By establishing habits and routines, you can clarify your child’s roles and responsibilities at key times of the day. 

Providing your child with a sense of certainty about how parts of their day will go can help them feel safe and secure and may even allow them to thrive. Routines are an excellent way to develop that sense of security and diminish control-seeking misbehavior. Establish these habits slowly by focusing on just one part of the day.

Using visual reminders such as checklists can help foster a sense of discipline in your child and lead them to finish their tasks without requiring any prompting from you. In addition to creating routines, you should use boundaries and consequences to reinforce those routines (“If you don’t complete the checklist, you don’t get your allowance this week.”)

Note that, while routines are important and effective, it’s okay for parents to deviate from time to time in order to demonstrate flexibility. 

Conclusion

The great thing about these methods is that they are interdependent and form a coherent, effective system for reducing misbehavior, creating healthy habits and routines, and developing discipline in children while they are at home. It won’t be easy, but over time you will have a much-improved homeschooling experience!

Struggling with pandemic-era parenting demands? You’re not the only one. To find a therapist who can help you navigate these concerns, search for a therapist in your area and filter your results by Common Specialties > All other issues > Parenting.