by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.

A Real Look at Mommy Wine Culture

If you are an adult, especially if you’re a parent, you have probably heard of mommy wine culture, though perhaps not by that name. Mommy wine culture basically makes using alcohol to cope with your day as a parent an accepted, even celebrated, part of modern life. Many moms – and parents, more generally – can feel trapped and overwhelmed by stress and the pressure to “keep up appearances.” Mommy wine culture purports to be a solution to this problem. But is it?

What Is Mommy Wine Culture?

You’ve seen the wine glasses, coozies, and other swag emblazoned with phrases like “Mommy needs a drinky,” “Mommy Juice,” or “Mommy Therapy.” These are meant to be a joke about how primary care givers need the escape of alcohol to cope with a long day of caring for their children. An SNL skit just last month highlighted the mommy wine culture phenomenon and hinted at some of the painful problems inherent in it.

In practice, there are a variety of ways this culture is lived out, most of which are more subtle than the tchotchkes above. Some people drink throughout the day, even while driving. There might be vodka in that travel mug with a teabag tag hanging out of it, whiskey stashed under the driver’s seat, sangria in the big cup from the gas station soda fountain on the kitchen island. Some people might drink to or past intoxication during naptime or after the kids are down for the night.

Mommy wine culture might be covering up a much more difficult truth, alcohol dependency.

The Appeal of the Wine Mom

Socializing

The “wine mom” life seems desirable because it is an easy way to connect to others. It is not just moms that view a glass of wine or a cocktail as a way to unwind after a stressful day. Most of contemporary society agrees with that idea. Mommy wine culture seems desirable because it feels like a way to connect and unwind with other mothers, who might be experiencing the same stress you are.

Relaxation

Being a parent is hard. There is no argument there. Many parents view mommy wine culture as a means of relaxation, a way to disconnect from or dampen the stress of being a parent. They do not view it as dangerous or negative. Instead, they view it as their only true way to let go of everything they carry so they can just be.

Deeper Issues with Mommy Wine Culture

Alcohol Dependency

We tend to think alcoholism = alcohol dependency = binge drinking. While someone could struggle with any number of these issues, none of those terms are actually equivalent to any of the others.

• Alcoholism, also termed “alcohol abuse disorder,” is an addiction. This means that the element of choice is no longer in play. There is a chemical dependency involved that overrides the will. Alcohol has actually changed the brain of the person with alcohol abuse disorder.
• Alcohol dependency is more of a habit in the traditional sense – it’s not a compulsion, and the person who is alcohol dependent has the power to make choices about their drinking. Alcohol dependency can lead to alcoholism.
• Binge drinking is the act of consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short time. In the United States, binge drinking is defined as drinking enough in two hours to raise one’s blood alcohol content (BAC) to 0.08%. On average, this means consuming four drinks in two hours for women and five drinks in two hours for men. Interestingly, binge drinking is not necessarily connected to alcohol abuse disorder or alcohol dependency.

(To learn about CDC recommendations for the consumption of alcohol, check out their article Alcohol Use and Your Health.)

Female alcohol dependence and alcoholism often go unnoticed in American society. The good news is that help is available for anyone who wants it, no matter which of these issues they face.

To find a someone who can help you deal with problematic drinking, search for a therapist in your area and filter your results by Alcohol/Addiction Issues. To find a facility where you can get help if your problem is acute, search for an RTC (or Rehab Treatment Center) in our directory.

Effects on Children

Mommy wine culture tells a story about parenthood, and children are often quick to pick up on stories. This story tells that, while parenting is precious, it’s also unbearably awful, and that, because children are so [active, clingy, demanding, annoying, exhausting, boring – fill your own flavor in here], parents are desperate to escape. The more time a parent spends with their child, the more they need alcohol to cope with it all.

This story is probably not one you want to pass on to your children. That being their parent, that being with them is just the worst; that they are the reason you drink; the belief that alcohol is the only option when you can’t physically run away – these are ideas that yield hard and bitter fruit. And the idea that using alcohol (or any other substance) is a healthy, sustainable way to keep stress at bay could encourage the same attitude in your children.

Self-Medication

Any form of self-medication is questionable, especially one that is known to be addictive and damaging. Parents who use alcohol to self-medicate instead of growing in the ability to regulate their emotions are choosing a short-term solution that can have very negative consequences. This is true for anyone who turns to a substance to solve their problems.

It’s okay to lack the skills needed to handle something in your life – stress, responsibility, anxiety, whatever it is. We all have areas where we need to grow. Therapy is a great resource for that growth. Therapists have a toolbox full of strategies and interventions that can help you become more capable, more resilient, more steadfast, and they are eager to share them with you in a helpful way. But just as it would not be okay to neglect a child because you felt overwhelmed, it’s not healthy to use substances as a way to escape your feelings. Reach out for help. It’s waiting for you.

Long-Term Health Damage

A long-term relationship with alcohol can be destructive to one’s health. People who drink heavily or addictively are putting themselves at risk for a variety of health issues down the line.

Toward a Healthier Relationship with Alcohol

Become Aware

Bringing awareness to this issue is the first step toward change. We need to take this prettied-up version of alcohol dependency off its pedestal. Start by noticing and asking questions.

Explore Other Kinds of Relationships with Alcohol

Research and explore how other cultures, other families, and other parents incorporate (or don’t incorporate) alcohol in healthy, non-dependent ways. Ask friends or find groups online of folks who practice these alternatives to learn more about these options. Consider which of these options might be best suited to you. You can even try them on for size.

You can also just leave alcohol behind if it’s not serving you. Sobriety is on the rise, as is a “sober-curious” movement. Some cultures and religions eschew alcohol entirely as well. You won’t be the only one.

Pursue Mental Health

Struggling with mental health concerns is the root of mommy wine culture. Whether you’re dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issues, drinking will not solve the problem. It may make it worse. But help is available. Click through to find a mental health professional who can help you.

Finding support as you strive to deal with addiction or dependency is important. You have options. Learn more about where to find support, what to look for in a rehab treatment facility, how to find an addictions specialist, how to help a friend, how people recover from addiction, and so much more in other articles on our blog.

References

https://www.webmd.com/connect-to-care/addiction-treatment-recovery/alcoholism-vs-alcohol-dependence

https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/about-alcohol-use/index.html

By Shannon Mosher, Licensed Professional Counselor

Top 3 Best Ways of Preventing Misbehavior in Children—Homeschool Edition

There are myriad reasons parents choose to homeschool their children: parental control over the pace and approach to subjects; more flexible schedules and routines; more opportunities for children to develop discipline; faster progress with one-on-one learning; customized approach for a student with special needs—the list of reasons goes on and on. Parents have been choosing homeschooling over public education for as long as public education has existed. However, many parents in the last year did not choose to have their children learn from home. That decision was made for them.

The COVID-19 pandemic forced public school systems—and many other schools—to move their classes onto online learning platforms to safeguard the health of students, teachers, school faculty, and their families. For many parents of these children, this was uncharted territory—they were not used to having their children at home 24/7. This new situation came with many new challenges. No longer were public school teachers responsible for dealing with their children’s misbehavior throughout the day; it was now the responsibility of the parent.

Many parents are still struggling with this aspect of schooling children at home and may not know what to do or where to start. If you’re in this group and still experience some frustration with having your child at home 24/7, here are three of the best ways to prevent misbehavior and have an easier homeschooling experience.

#1: Give Your Child Choices

When it’s time for your child to do chores, eat a meal, or participate in other activities, giving them options to choose from is an excellent way to build trust and respect. The ability to make their own decisions gives children agency, something that they are always striving to develop as they grow. Remember: a growing sense of autonomy is natural, appropriate, and healthy as children mature.

Here are two key guidelines parents ought to remember when giving choices to their kids:

• Try not to overwhelm your child with too many choices. Instead, give them just two options: “Would you like to wash the dishes or wipe down the countertops?” Children are more likely to accept a chore when they are able to choose the task themselves rather than have it imposed upon them by an authority figure. The same is true for meals and even recreational activities—as long as you’re consistent and provide choices to your child regularly, they will not push back against you as much as they would if you imposed your decisions upon them.
• When children question your decisions, refuse to comply, or exhibit misbehavior, it is usually an effort to test boundaries. If you give them choices one day but none the next, it can be confusing for the child and lead them to test just how much power they have in their lives. Be sure to maintain consistency in order to avoid this confusion and prevent frustration in both you and your child.

#2: Set Boundaries with Your Child

As stated before, children are constantly testing limits and boundaries. This may sound like a bad thing, but it’s a natural and important part of the growing up process that helps them to become more independent. 

Setting limits won’t completely remove misbehavior like arguments or backtalk, but it can significantly reduce such behavior. Clear boundaries can keep your child from testing them as much (though they will always be testing them). Providing consequences will reinforce those boundaries and expectations.

So, how can you establish boundaries with your child?

• Teach them how to express themselves in a kind and respectful manner.
• Don’t negotiate with your child or allow long discussions on why something must be done. Instead, outline consequences that they will be better able to understand.
• Be consistent with boundary-setting.
• Be clear about what is non-negotiable: rules that must be followed, such as safety rules.
• Follow through on the consequences.

#3 Create Morning and Evening Routines

The life of a child is one of constant change; it’s confusing, unpredictable, and even scary. This uncertainty often leads to misbehavior as the child fights to feel some sense of control amid this uncertainty. By establishing habits and routines, you can clarify your child’s roles and responsibilities at key times of the day. 

Providing your child with a sense of certainty about how parts of their day will go can help them feel safe and secure and may even allow them to thrive. Routines are an excellent way to develop that sense of security and diminish control-seeking misbehavior. Establish these habits slowly by focusing on just one part of the day.

Using visual reminders such as checklists can help foster a sense of discipline in your child and lead them to finish their tasks without requiring any prompting from you. In addition to creating routines, you should use boundaries and consequences to reinforce those routines (“If you don’t complete the checklist, you don’t get your allowance this week.”)

Note that, while routines are important and effective, it’s okay for parents to deviate from time to time in order to demonstrate flexibility. 

Conclusion

The great thing about these methods is that they are interdependent and form a coherent, effective system for reducing misbehavior, creating healthy habits and routines, and developing discipline in children while they are at home. It won’t be easy, but over time you will have a much-improved homeschooling experience!

Struggling with pandemic-era parenting demands? You’re not the only one. To find a therapist who can help you navigate these concerns, search for a therapist in your area and filter your results by Common Specialties > All other issues > Parenting.