POV:  Your teenager slams the door loudly and you wonder to yourself what could have possibly happened to that cuddly, chubby-cheeked-child that you once bounced on your lap.  The changing dynamics between parents and children can range from moment to moment, from pride to nostalgia to sadness and confusion.  While you anticipated that they would grow away from you at some point, you didn’t think it would feel like this, and you didn’t expect to flounder so much to maintain a connection with them while simply keeping them “on track”.  Undoubtedly, one of the greatest challenges of parenting teens is in finding the “sweet spot” between encouraging them towards autonomous identity development while also maintaining some type of a positive relationship.

Parenting teenagers can feel like an uphill battle of emotions, conflict, and perhaps some behaviors you’ve never seen before.  While you should certainly consult a professional if you notice worrisome behaviors (substance abuse, self-harm/ suicidality, self-isolating, or other high-risk behaviors), here are 5 key tips for communicating with your teen and staying connected as you both navigate this stage of life together.

Tips for Parents Navigating the Teen Years

Set limits with love.

Setting limits allows for a structure within which your teen may grow and develop safely.  Base your limits on developmentally appropriate behavior and present your limits with compassion, even when they are not MET with compassion.  Parents who set and reinforce consistent limits and expectations allow teens to mature by making “safe” mistakes that help them to learn through natural consequences.

Expert tip for parents:  Practicing your own self-care and coping strategies will help you to stay emotionally regulated and prepared to meet your teenager’s pushback with understanding AND firmness.

Learn to validate your child.

While we may not agree that the 10pm curfew that we enforced was “unfair,” we can certainly understand and validate a teen’s desire to be out with their friends.  According to the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, “Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation” (Rathus & Miller, 2015, p. 171).   Not only does the skill of validation help others to feel more understood and less alone, it can help to de-escalate conflict. And what could be more important than that when we are talking about maintaining an emotional connection with our teenagers?

Remember that validation does not equal agreement, and that we can validate feelings and experiences of others while still upholding limits.

Give your teen the gift of space.

According to the infamous research of Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist, there are eight stages of development that we all must navigate as we seek connection and purpose throughout our lifetimes (Crain, 2011, pp. 283-297).  During the phase of adolescence, the specific task one must navigate is building a sense of identity and finding “one’s place in the larger social order” (Crain, 2011, p. 291).  Teenagers must be working towards identity development and making strong connections with peers to be prepared to navigate the impending tasks of adulthood effectively.

While most of us understand this idea, it can FEEL HARD to experience your teenager wanting more space, challenging your opinions, and only wanting to be around friends.  However, we must keep in mind that these are indications of healthy development and must try not take it personally.  Giving your teen time alone to explore individual interests and reflect allows them space to build a strong sense of self.  Similarly, giving your teen the ability to prioritize friends allows them opportunity to nurture friendships, build a peer support network, strengthen social skills, and learn to nurture healthy relationships.

*If your child seems unusually withdrawn and isolated or is very invested in peers who are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, these would be red-flags and indicate a need for further exploration and possibly professional help.

Seek opportunity for positive connection.

Do what they like.  Plan special activities together.  Write them notes.  Make yourself available.  Validate them.  Be playful.  While they are going to turn you down sometimes or even dismiss the effort with attitude, don’t take it personally, give them some space, and try again another time.  Tell them you love them and that you are available when they feel like it.

Couples therapist Dr. John Gottman coined the term “Magic Ratio” to describe the idea that healthy relationships generally exhibit at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (Benson, 2017).  While Gottman’s work was primarily focused on couples therapy, the same ratio can be applied to building strong relationships with our children.  During a developmental phase that is marked by a natural increase in parent-child conflict, keep a lose goal to have more positive interactions than negative interactions and remember that YOU are in control of YOUR behavior.  When conflict or emotionality rises, parents can strive to show-up in these moments with validation, empathy, and compassion.  Thus, an interaction that may once have ended in yelling is transformed into a moment of gentle connection and acceptance.

Parents can also increase positive interactions by choosing their battles wisely. Choose to address teen behaviors that are straying from what is developmentally normal, as opposed to picking apart all mistakes or preferences.  For example, a parent might choose to have a firm discussion with their teen around repeated substance use but choose NOT to dig their heels in around a teenager keeping their room spotless.

Be prepared to seek repair.

There is no perfect way to parent.  We will make mistakes.  Our teens will make mistakes.  Disagreement and conflict are not only inevitable, but a healthy part of all relationships.  Be prepared to use these imperfect moments as opportunities for connection.  Making a relational repair is when we acknowledge a mistake in our behavior as it relates to another, and we take responsibility and apologize for it.  Not only does this give us a shot at making things right again with our teen, but it allows a space for a potential positive interaction (remember that 5:1 ratio) and it offers an opportunity to model skillful behavior.  Especially at an age where lectures go in one ear and out the other, modeling skillful behavior for our children can be the most powerful teacher.

Seeking a repair after a rift in the relationship shows our children that we love them, and that we are willing to acknowledge our mistakes.  It demonstrates the ability to emotionally regulate and take responsibility, which are both qualities of partners in healthy relationships (a behavior we want our teens to both LEARN and EXPECT from others).

References

Crain, W.  (2011).  Theories of development; Concepts and applications (6^th ed.).  Prentice Hall.

Rathus, J.H. & Miller, A.L. (2015).  Dbt skills manual for adolescents.  The Guildford Press.

Benson, K.  (2017, October 4).  The magic relationship ratio, according to science.  The

Gottman Institute online.  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

Parenting is difficult on its own, but when you and your partner, or co-parent, have different approaches to such an all-consuming role, frustration is likely to flair, impacting not only your relationship with each other but also your children.   

But while our knee-jerk parenting reactions may vary, with the right communication and effort, it’s possible to incorporate more blended, consistent styles, all while maintaining one’s unique parenting strengths and personality.  

Know you are not alone 

Even when you’ve ensured as many pieces as possible are in place to parent — achieving work-life balance, and being physically and emotionally healthy — parenting is a stressful and difficult endeavor. Of course, it’s also rewarding, but you’d be hard-pressed to find an involved parent who hasn’t had days where they’ve felt drained, in more ways than one.   

In fact, according to one Pew study, about 62% of respondents said parenting has been harder than expected, with about a quarter saying it’s a lot harder than anticipated.   

When you and your partner have different parenting styles, it can make parenting that much more difficult, as it requires navigating additional relational challenges, beyond those between you and your children alone.   

Why people parent differently 

Because each partner was raised in a different household and holds different personalities, it should almost be expected that each parent will have, at times, competing notions about the best approach to, say, disciplining their child.  

It’s also important to keep in mind that there also tend to be differences in parenting approaches based on cultural background and even gender. In the same parenting survey, about half of mothers say they take on a more overprotective role, compared with 38% of fathers. The latter is also more likely to state they offer their kids too much freedom, and that when it comes to disciplining, they are less likely to waiver than moms.  

Parenting styles differ based on cultural backgrounds as well. Research shows that some countries rely more heavily than others on sibling parenting, whereby older children take on central caregiving roles. Physical affection, not just from parents, but by other family members and friends, also varies significantly across countries and backgrounds. It’s important to take all of this into account when working with your partner, or co-parent.  

Let’s recap some of the most well-established parenting styles, which may help you identify which feels most applicable to you: 

Authoritarian 

Such an approach relies solely on parents as the decision-makers and leaves little room for kids’  autonomy. Obedience is at the center of authoritarian parenting, and the idiom that kids should be “seen and not heard” encapsulates the dynamic.  

Permissive 

Scant enforcement of rules and disciplines characterizes this type of parenting. Those who grew up with a permissive parent typically experience a childhood where consequences were verbally communicated but were not always followed through on. Accountability for bad behavior could easily be skirted with enough complaining or frustration directed at the parent.  

Neglectful 

There are some similarities with permissive parenting in that discipline is often lacking, but neglectful parenting takes it a step further. While a permissive parent typically expresses concern, or conversely, love and affection, neglectful parents show tremendous indifference to their child’s behavior and needs.  

 Authoritative 

Typically considered the gold standard, an authoritative parent typically employs a carrot-and-stick approach to parenting. Rules and expectations are clearly communicated, as are disciplinary measures, which are followed through on. However, unlike authoritarians, authoritative parents take in children’s perspectives and emotions when making decisions.  

Find something that works for everyone 

Finding common ground 

Finding common ground in your parenting styles will be your secret weapon. Figure out what are some of the baseline rules and consequences that will be enforced the same way among both parents.  

Not allowing kids to “divide and conquer” will not only signal you and your partner are on the same team, but in the long run, it also provides a sense of security for children.  

Disagree behind closed doors 

We can’t always time when conflicts will arise. But to the extent possible, it’s important to save disagreements — especially when it pertains to parenting styles — between the two of you. 

In the words of psychiatrist Dr. Alan Ravitz: 

 “In my own family, I know there were times when I thought my wife was too harsh and there were times when she thought I was too easy. The important thing is to present a united front.” 

Even if you disagree with a particular reaction from your partner — barring extreme circumstances — try not to vocalize your disapproval in the midst of their interaction with your child, as this can undermine their authority, and subsequently, yours as well.   

Constantly communicate 

Regular communication is paramount for the success of any relationship, but when you add raising kids in the mix, it becomes that much more important. With working parents and busy school schedules, set aside time with your partner for parenting “check-ins”. During these agreed-upon times, you can talk about discipline approaches, behavior trends you’re noticing that may be cause for concern, or conversely, optimism. By structuring such discussions, both parents can become a more united front and well-prepared on how to approach worrisome incidents as they inevitably arise.  

Seek counseling 

Sometimes, an objective, third-party professional can help families navigate the messy ins and outs of not just parenting, but marriage as well. Couples counseling can help you and your partner understand each other’s thought processes and emotional patterns when it comes to parenting. And during family therapy, you can also dig deeper into your child’s behavior and subsequent reactions.  

 Online directories like GoodTherapy can help you find the therapist that works best for your family’s challenges, needs and background.