Many people assume that success and fulfillment naturally arrive together. The idea is simple: if you work hard, reach your goals, and improve your life, you should feel satisfied. However, many high achievers find that this is not always the case.

Success and fulfillment
High achievers
Burnout
Self-worth

In this blog

1	Why achievement does not always lead to fulfillment
2	When the outcome becomes the whole point
3	Why pushing too hard can make success feel hollow
4	How self-worth can get tied to achievement
5	A more sustainable way to approach success
6	Questions to consider

Instead, there is often a different pattern. You reach a goal, feel a brief sense of relief or pride, and then quickly shift your focus to the next objective. Over time, this can create the feeling that nothing is ever quite enough.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. This experience is common among driven, goal-oriented individuals who are used to performing at a high level. It can also overlap with perfectionism, chronic stress, or the sense of never quite being able to rest, even when life looks successful from the outside.

Key insight: High achievement is not the problem. The problem is often a version of success that leaves no room for rest, meaning, relationships, or enjoyment along the way.

Why Success and Fulfillment Do Not Always Arrive Together

Success and fulfillment are related, but they are not the same thing. Success often describes an external result: a promotion, degree, completed project, financial goal, public recognition, or personal milestone. Fulfillment is more internal. It has to do with meaning, connection, values, rest, and how life feels while you are living it.

When most of your attention goes toward the next measurable outcome, the inner experience can get pushed aside. That is why someone can be productive, respected, and responsible while still feeling disconnected from their own life.

1. Focusing Too Much on the Outcome

High achievers tend to prioritize results. Whether it is career milestones, financial progress, academic performance, parenting goals, or personal accomplishments, the focus often remains on reaching the next level.

The problem is that outcomes represent only a small portion of the overall experience. Most of life is spent working toward goals, not achieving them. If the day-to-day process feels stressful or draining, the final result rarely provides lasting satisfaction.

This creates a cycle where each new goal becomes the primary source of meaning. Once it is achieved, attention immediately shifts to something else. If the next milestone is always responsible for your future satisfaction, the present can start to feel like something to endure rather than inhabit.

The achievement loop

Set goal → push hard → achieve → feel brief relief → raise the bar again.

After the milestone

When a goal is finished, give the experience a landing place before raising the bar again.

Pause	Let the completion register before immediately moving to the next objective.
Notice	Name the effort, learning, support, persistence, and values that were part of getting there.
Carry	Choose one small way to recognize progress along the way, not only at the finish line.

Related reading: If it feels hard to begin again after a plateau, Joe Rustum’s GoodTherapy article on why stagnation happens and how to move forward offers a companion perspective.

2. Pushing Too Hard for Too Long

Another common pattern is the belief that it is acceptable to sacrifice everything now and enjoy life later. This often leads to reduced time for relationships, hobbies, rest, and physical recovery.

While this approach can work temporarily, it is difficult to sustain. Over time, it can increase the risk of burnout, emotional exhaustion, and loss of motivation. The American Psychological Association notes that stress can affect the body as well as thoughts and emotions, and the National Institute of Mental Health describes how long-term stress can wear on health and functioning.

Even when performance remains high, the internal experience often worsens. People may feel disconnected, fatigued, irritable, or unfulfilled despite continued success. This is one reason success and fulfillment can drift apart: the outward scorecard improves while the inner cost keeps rising.

Sustainable success check

Pressure pattern	Protective shift
Being constantly available	Set limits on how much you work, push, or remain on call for others.
Putting life on hold	Protect time for relationships, personal interests, movement, meals, and sleep.
Treating rest as a reward	Treat rest and recovery as necessary parts of sustainable success.

3. Tying Self-Worth to Achievement

For many high performers, success becomes closely tied to identity. Feeling good about yourself may depend on how well you are performing, how productive you are, or how much others approve of your work.

This creates a fragile sense of stability. When performance is strong, confidence may increase. When progress slows or setbacks occur, self-doubt can increase quickly.

This pattern can lead to constant pressure to maintain a high level of performance, even when it is not sustainable. It can also make ordinary limits feel like personal failure. People who struggle with imposter syndrome, perfectionism, or a harsh inner critic may recognize this especially clearly.

Self-worth anchors

Identity Develop a sense of who you are beyond achievement, productivity, or approval.	Connection Invest in relationships and everyday experiences that matter to you.
Values Let personal values, not only performance metrics, guide what feels worth pursuing.	Compassion Practice recognizing that your worth is not dependent on constant success.

Gentle support: If self-criticism makes it difficult to feel satisfied, GoodTherapy’s article on self-compassion and the inner critic may be a helpful place to continue.

A More Sustainable Way to Approach Success and Fulfillment

If you are consistently achieving but still feel unsatisfied, it may be helpful to shift how you think about fulfillment.

Instead of treating satisfaction as something that happens after the next milestone, consider how it can be built into the process itself. The NIH Emotional Wellness Toolkit describes practical areas such as resilience, sleep, social connection, and coping skills that can support emotional well-being over time.

For high achievers, this does not mean caring less or giving up meaningful goals. It means building a version of success that includes the life you are living while you pursue those goals.

Try this now: a 3-minute success check-in

Completed	Name one recent thing you handled, even if it seems small.
Required	Notice what it asked of you: effort, patience, courage, learning, support, or persistence.
Livable	Ask, “What would make this week feel more livable, not just more productive?”

Questions to Consider

The questions below are not a test. They are a way to slow down and notice whether the pursuit of success and fulfillment still reflects your values.

	What areas of your life contribute to your sense of meaning outside of achievement?
	Are you allowing time for rest, relationships, and personal interests?
	Do you regularly acknowledge your progress, or do you move straight to the next goal?

High achievement is not the problem. The issue is often how success is defined and pursued.

When fulfillment is always tied to the next milestone, it becomes difficult to ever feel satisfied. A more effective approach is to create a version of success that includes both progress and enjoyment along the way.

Therapy can help: If success and fulfillment feel disconnected in a way that affects your mood, relationships, or ability to rest, you can find a therapist through GoodTherapy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Common questions about high achievement, self-worth, and sustainable fulfillment.

Q: Why do high achievers feel unfulfilled after success? +

A: High achievers may feel unfulfilled when satisfaction is tied only to the next milestone. The result can bring brief relief, but if the day-to-day process lacks rest, meaning, connection, or self-recognition, the feeling may not last.

Q: Is it wrong to care about achievement? +

A: No. Goals, ambition, and discipline can be meaningful. The concern is when achievement becomes the only source of worth or when the pursuit of success leaves no space for health, relationships, rest, or enjoyment.

Q: How can I separate self-worth from performance? +

A: Start by noticing the moments when your confidence rises or falls only with results. Then practice investing in values, relationships, interests, and self-compassion that are not dependent on constant productivity.

Q: When should I consider therapy? +

A: Therapy may help if pressure to achieve is affecting your mood, sleep, relationships, ability to rest, or sense of identity. A therapist can help you explore what success means to you and how to pursue it in a more sustainable way.

Redefine Success With Support

You do not have to wait for the next milestone to feel more grounded in your life. Therapy can offer space to understand your patterns and build a steadier relationship with achievement.

Find a Therapist Near You

About the Author Joe Rustum PsyD, Licensed Psychologist in Nashville, Tennessee Joe Rustum works with high achievers and professionals navigating anxiety, stress, burnout, career concerns, perfectionism, procrastination, imposter syndrome, decision-making, boundaries, and work-life balance. His GoodTherapy profile describes a supportive approach for people who want to understand their patterns, build steadier habits, and create a healthier relationship with achievement. View Profile >

Perfectionism can look like ambition, discipline, and drive. It can also feel like living under a never-ending report card, where every project, grade, performance review, relationship moment, and even appearance is scored, judged, and never quite enough.

Perfectionism
High standards
Self-criticism
Healthy striving

In This Blog

	Why perfectionism feels exhausting
	What causes perfectionism
	Healthy striving vs. perfectionism
	How to loosen perfectionism
	FAQ

Key insight: Perfectionism is not simply caring a lot. It is often a strategy for staying safe from criticism, rejection, shame, or the fear of falling short.

Psychology writers often describe perfectionism as a trait that can be motivating in healthy doses, yet deeply distressing when it becomes rigid and fear-driven. The goal is not to stop having standards. The goal is to build standards that are flexible enough to leave room for learning, connection, and a full life.

Why Perfectionism Feels So Exhausting

Extreme perfectionism tends to focus less on pursuing success and more on avoiding failure. That “do not mess up” orientation can create chronic tension, harsh self-criticism, and the sense that love, belonging, or acceptance must be earned through flawless performance.

Over time, this can make ordinary decisions feel high stakes. A work email becomes a test of competence. A social interaction becomes proof of whether you are likable. A mistake becomes evidence that you are failing as a person. That kind of pressure can keep the nervous system on alert, and the American Psychological Association notes that ongoing stress can affect the body, mood, and behavior.

What Causes Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is often fueled by internal pressure, such as a fear of making mistakes, being judged, disappointing others, or losing approval. Culture matters, too. A large meta-analysis of college students in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom found that multiple forms of perfectionism increased from 1989 to 2016, suggesting that younger generations may be feeling more pressure to be perfect, expecting more of themselves, and sometimes demanding more from others.

You can see this pressure in achievement culture, social comparison, family expectations, trauma histories, school or workplace environments, and messages that equate productivity with worth. For some people, perfectionism and childhood trauma can become connected when being “good,” quiet, successful, or in control once helped them feel safer.

Pause and name the pressure

If perfectionism is leaving you anxious or stuck, it may help to ask, “What am I afraid this mistake would mean about me?” For support with anxiety that hides behind productivity, see High Functioning Anxiety.

Signs Perfectionism May Be Taking Over

Perfectionists often set unrealistically high expectations for themselves, and sometimes for others. They can be quick to spot flaws, overly critical of mistakes, and prone to procrastination because starting or finishing means risking imperfection.

Common perfectionism signals

• Rewriting, rechecking, or delaying work long after it is useful.
• Dismissing compliments or moving immediately to what could have been better.
• Feeling intense shame after ordinary mistakes.
• Relying on achievement, appearance, status, income, or approval to feel okay.
• Avoiding risks, creativity, rest, or connection because the outcome cannot be controlled.

Perfectionism can also show up as procrastination. When the standard is “excellent or worthless,” the safest option may seem like not starting at all. If this pattern feels familiar, it may help to read about how to stop procrastinating without turning the solution into another impossible standard.

The Three Types of Perfectionism

Researchers often describe perfectionism as multidimensional. It can point inward, outward, or toward what we believe other people expect from us.

Self-oriented perfectionism +

This is the pressure to meet impossibly high standards aimed at yourself. It may sound like, “I must never fail,” or “I should be able to handle everything.”

Other-oriented perfectionism +

This is the pressure placed on other people to meet rigid expectations. It can strain relationships when flexibility, repair, and ordinary human limits are not allowed.

Socially prescribed perfectionism +

This is the belief that other people expect you to be perfect. It can be especially painful because approval starts to feel conditional and constantly at risk.

Is Perfectionism a Mental Illness?

Perfectionism itself is generally considered a personality trait, not a mental illness. But when it becomes extreme, it can contribute to or worsen mental health challenges, especially when it is driven by compulsive thoughts, harsh self-criticism, fear of mistakes, or chronic anxiety.

A 2024 systematic review and meta-analysis linked perfectionism with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder in adults, with perfectionistic concerns showing a particularly strong relationship with psychological distress. The National Institute of Mental Health explains that anxiety symptoms can interfere with school, work, relationships, and daily routines, which is why patterns that keep the body in threat mode deserve care.

Healthy Striving vs. Demanding Perfection

There is a meaningful difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection. Healthy striving can help you learn, practice, persist, and improve. Maladaptive perfectionism turns improvement into a verdict on your worth.

Healthy striving	Perfectionism
High standards with flexibility.	High standards with fear and rigidity.
Feedback is useful information.	Feedback feels like proof of failure.
Mistakes are part of learning.	Mistakes feel catastrophic or shameful.
Self-worth remains bigger than the outcome.	Self-worth rises and falls with the outcome.

A gentler performance loop

Notice the pressure → name the fear → choose a good-enough next step → learn from the result → reconnect with your values.

How to Loosen Perfectionism Without Lowering Your Standards

Loosening perfectionism does not mean becoming careless. It means practicing standards that can bend without breaking you.

Try this now: the 80 percent experiment

1. Choose one low-stakes task: an email, a drawer, a workout, a slide, or a small errand.
2. Decide what “good enough” looks like before you start.
3. Stop at 80 to 90 percent and observe what actually happens.
4. Write one sentence about what you learned, not whether you did it perfectly.

It can also help to trade comparison for curiosity. When you notice yourself measuring your worth against someone else’s highlight reel, return to what you value and what you are learning. Compassionate self-talk matters, too. Speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a capable friend can make change more sustainable. For a deeper look at that skill, see self-kindness and emotional well-being.

Support is allowed

If perfectionism is affecting your sleep, relationships, work, mood, or ability to rest, a therapist can help you understand the fear underneath it. You can search GoodTherapy for a therapist who fits your needs.

Beliefs That Often Hide Under Perfectionism

Perfectionism often rests on self-defeating beliefs that sound like rules. They may involve achievement, love and belonging, conflict, emotional control, or the fear that being seen as flawed will make you unacceptable.

	“My worth depends on my achievements, intelligence, status, income, or looks.”
	“People will not love or accept me if I am flawed or vulnerable.”
	“If it is not perfect, it is a failure.”
	“I should always feel happy, confident, controlled, and strong.”

These beliefs can feel convincing because they may have helped you cope at one time. But they can also keep you trapped in shame, worry, or emotional exhaustion. The work is not to shame yourself for having these beliefs. The work is to notice them, question them, and build more flexible beliefs that support both excellence and humanity.

When Therapy Can Help With Perfectionism

Therapy can be useful when perfectionism is no longer just a preference for excellence, but a source of anxiety, depression, relationship strain, burnout, compulsive checking, or avoidance. A therapist may help you identify the fears behind perfectionism, practice more flexible thinking, work through early experiences that made perfection feel necessary, and build new ways to respond to mistakes.

Research on treatment for perfectionism is still developing, but a randomized trial of group cognitive behavioral therapy for perfectionism found reductions in perfectionism and related symptoms for participants in the treatment group. That does not mean one approach fits everyone, but it does suggest that perfectionism can be addressed directly and compassionately.

Frequently Asked Questions

Common questions about perfectionism, anxiety, and healthier standards.

Q: Is perfectionism a mental illness? +

A: Perfectionism itself is usually understood as a personality trait, not a diagnosis. It can still affect mental health when it becomes rigid, fear-based, or tied to anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, shame, or avoidance.

Q: What causes perfectionism? +

A: Perfectionism can grow from temperament, family expectations, trauma, cultural pressure, school or workplace demands, social comparison, and the fear of criticism or rejection. For many people, it once felt like a way to stay safe or accepted.

Q: How can I tell healthy striving from perfectionism? +

A: Healthy striving allows mistakes, feedback, rest, and learning. Perfectionism tends to make mistakes feel catastrophic, success temporary, and self-worth dependent on the outcome.

Q: Can perfectionism cause anxiety or depression? +

A: Perfectionism may contribute to anxiety, depression, and related distress, especially when it involves intense concern about mistakes, judgment, or not being good enough. It is one factor, not the whole story, and support can help.

Q: How can therapy help with perfectionism? +

A: Therapy can help you understand what perfectionism protects, challenge all-or-nothing thinking, practice self-compassion, reduce avoidance, and build standards that support your values without making worth depend on flawless performance.

You do not have to earn care by being perfect

If perfectionism is making life smaller, support can help you keep your values while loosening the rules that keep you stuck.

Find a Therapist Near You →

About the Author Jill Verofsky Licensed Professional Counselor in Ambler, Pennsylvania Jill Verofsky describes her approach to therapy as realistic and person-centered, with attention to helping people become more functional in daily life while working toward deeper root issues. View Jill Verofsky’s GoodTherapy profile

When people think of anxiety, they often picture some visible signs. They imagine panic, spiraling thoughts, avoidance, or moments when someone clearly looks overwhelmed. While anxiety can look like that.

High functioning anxiety
Hidden anxiety
Perfectionism
Burnout

In this blog

	How anxiety can fuel performance
	Signs of high functioning anxiety that are easy to miss
	Why high functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed
	The breaking point: burnout and emotional exhaustion
	When should you seek help?
	Effective forms of therapy for high functioning anxiety
	How to approach therapy if you have high functioning anxiety
	Moving forward

That is not the only way it shows up.

Sometimes anxiety is harder to notice, even for the person living with it. It can hide behind routines, ambition, reliability, and the ability to keep going. It can look like answering every email, meeting every deadline, remembering every key event and detail, showing up for people who matter, and still never quite feeling calm. It can look like being the one everyone depends on while your own mind never fully quiets down.

That is why it is important to recognize this type of anxiety. Commonly known as high functioning anxiety, this experience is not recognized as a formal mental health diagnosis, but it describes something very real. Many individuals continue to function at a high level while carrying persistent worry, pressure, and internal distress that often goes unseen.

How Anxiety can Fuel Performance

One of the reasons high functioning anxiety can go unnoticed is that it often wears socially acceptable masks and may often look like success. In fact, in may look like being very responsible. It may look like caring deeply. It may look like staying organized, always preparing, or trying hard not to let anyone down. Some people learn to manage anxiety by becoming exceptionally good at anticipating problems, staying busy, and keeping control wherever they can.

In many cases, anxiety does not stop people. It pushes them.

Pushes them to care deeply, to stay highly organized, to always prepare for things and events in advance or or try to not let anyone down.

Research indicates that certain forms of anxiety, especially when tied to performance or expectations, can coexist with high achievement. In academic settings, for example, perfectionistic standards can even have a positive relationship with performance outcomes, despite underlying stress.

At the same time, this productivity is often driven by fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting others down, or fear of not being “good enough.”

This creates a cycle where:

1 Anxiety fuels effort

2 Effort leads to achievement

3 Achievement reinforces the anxiety

What looks like discipline or ambition from the outside may actually be a coping mechanism on the inside.

Signs of High-functioning Anxiety that are Easy to Miss

High functioning anxiety rarely looks like avoidance or breakdowns. Instead, it shows up in patterns that are often socially rewarded.

For some people, anxiety shows up as perfectionism. For others, it appears as people pleasing, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, or the sense that their mind is always running in the background. Some people stay busy because slowing down brings them too close to feelings they do not know how to sit with. Others become highly attuned to everyone else around them, constantly tracking moods, reactions, and signs of disappointment.

Some of the most common but overlooked signs include:

	Constant overthinking, even about small decisions
	Perfectionism and fear of mistakes
	People-pleasing and difficulty saying no
	Staying busy to avoid slowing down
	Difficulty relaxing, even during rest
	Persistent physical tension or fatigue
	Becoming attuned to surroundings, tracking moods, reactions and signs of disappointment

Research shows that perfectionistic tendencies and worry are closely linked, with worry often acting as a core feature of anxiety.

In fact, maladaptive perfectionism has been consistently associated with anxiety symptoms across multiple studies and populations.

If these patterns feel familiar, talking to a therapist can help you understand what is driving them.

Why High-Functioning Anxiety often goes Unnoticed

High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed not because it is rare, but because it usually does not align with what we expect anxiety to look like.

Mental health systems typically define disorders based on distress and impairment. But what happens when someone is distressed, yet still performing well?

People with high functioning anxiety often:

Meet expectations

Maintain relationships

Succeed professionally

As a result, their internal experience is often overlooked, both by themselves and by others.

This is reinforced by social and cultural expectations. Productivity, reliability, and achievement are rewarded, even when they come at the cost of mental wellbeing.

The Breaking Point: Burnout and Emotional Exhaustion

Despite being hidden, high functioning anxiety can take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being and is not sustainable indefinitely.

It can make it hard to be fully present. You may be physically in the room but mentally somewhere else, scanning the next problem, thinking about the next task, or the next thing that could potentially go wrong. You may struggle to enjoy moments of rest because your mind treats stillness like a threat instead of relief.

Over time, this feeling piles up and can feel exhausting.

You may find yourself becoming more irritable, more physically and emotionally drained, or more disconnected from joy. This is one of the quieter harms of anxiety. It can steal peace long before it interrupts performance.

Over time, the constant pressure, overthinking, and need to perform can lead to:

1Burnout	2Emotional exhaustion
3Irritability or detachment	4Difficulty concentrating
5Sudden breakdowns after long periods of coping

Research shows that perfectionism and anxiety are linked to chronic psychological distress and rumination, which can intensify over time if not addressed. Similarly, studies highlight that individuals with strong perfectionistic tendencies are more vulnerable to long-term stress and mental health challenges. Such people don’t fall apart slowly but rather hold it together, until they can’t.

You do not have to wait until burnout to seek support. Early conversations with a therapist can make a meaningful difference.

When should you seek help?

One of the biggest barriers to seeking support is the belief that your condition is not serious because you are fully functional and able to carry out everyday tasks as expected.

But functioning is not the same as feeling okay.

Your body may be sending subtle signals you tend to overlook, but they could be a sign that you need professional support.

It may be time to seek support if:

It may be time to seek support if:

	your mind rarely feels calm
	you feel constant internal pressure
	rest feels uncomfortable or undeserved
	your anxiety is affecting your relationships or wellbeing
	you feel exhausted despite being productive

Because the external signs of struggle are minimal, high functioning anxiety often delays help seeking, but getting support early can prevent long term burnout and more serious mental health challenges.

Connect with a licensed therapist who specializes in anxiety and stress.

Effective forms of Therapy for High Functioning Anxiety

Many people with high functioning anxiety hesitate to seek help because they feel like they are “managing.” But therapy can help you understand what is driving that constant pressure and give you tools to move through life with more clarity and less strain.

Some of the most effective approaches include:

1	Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) CBT helps you identify patterns of thought that fuel anxiety and replace them with more balanced, realistic perspectives. It is especially helpful if you: overthink decisions expect the worst outcomes tie your self-worth to performance
2	Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) ACT focuses on helping you accept internal experiences rather than constantly trying to control them. This can be helpful if: you feel the need to always stay in control slowing down feels uncomfortable your mind is constantly “on”
3	Therapy for Perfectionism Some therapists specifically work with perfectionism and high standards. This approach helps you: challenge unrealistic expectations reduce self-criticism separate your worth from your productivity

How to Approach Therapy if you have High Functioning Anxiety

If this type of anxiety resonates with you, it can help to look for therapists who:

• specialize in anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder
• have experience working with perfectionism or high achievers
• focus on stress, burnout, or overthinking
• use structured, evidence-based approaches

Browse therapist profiles and connect with someone who aligns with your needs and approach.

Moving Forward

High functioning anxiety can be easy to miss, especially when it looks like success. But just because you are meeting expectations, staying productive, and showing up for others does not mean you are not struggling.

Anxiety does not always look like falling apart. Sometimes, it looks like holding everything together, at a cost. Recognizing that cost is the first step toward something better.

Frequently Asked Questions

Common questions about high functioning anxiety and getting support.

Q: Is high functioning anxiety a formal diagnosis? +

A: No. High functioning anxiety is not recognized as a formal mental health diagnosis, but it describes a real experience where someone continues to function while carrying persistent worry, pressure, and internal distress.

Q: What are signs of high functioning anxiety? +

A: Signs can include constant overthinking, perfectionism, fear of mistakes, people-pleasing, difficulty relaxing, physical tension, fatigue, and staying busy to avoid slowing down.

Q: When should someone seek help for high functioning anxiety? +

A: It may be time to seek support if your mind rarely feels calm, rest feels uncomfortable, anxiety is affecting your relationships or wellbeing, or you feel exhausted despite being productive.

Q: What therapy can help with high functioning anxiety? +

A: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and therapy focused on perfectionism may help people understand the pressure behind anxiety and build more balanced ways of coping.

Resources:

	Fletcher, S. (2024). What are signs of high functioning anxiety? Canadian Centre for Addictions. https://canadiancentreforaddictions.org/what-are-signs-of-high-functioning-anxiety/
	Lunn, J., Greene, D., Callaghan, T., & Egan, S. J. (2023). Associations between perfectionism and symptoms of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression in young people: A meta-analysis. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2023.2211736
	Macedo, A., Marques, M., & Pereira, A. T. (2014). Perfectionism and psychological distress: A review of the cognitive factors. International Journal of Clinical Neurosciences and Mental Health. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/260552234_Perfectionism_and_psychological_distress_a_review_of_the_cognitive_factors_REVIEW
	Stöber, J., & Joormann, J. (2001). Worry, procrastination, and perfectionism: Differentiating amount of worry, pathological worry, anxiety, and depression. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 25, 49–60. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1026474715384
	Wu, R., Chen, J., Li, Q., & Zhou, H. (2022). Reducing the influence of perfectionism and statistics anxiety on college student performance in statistics courses. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, Article 1011278. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1011278

Every January, you promise yourself this will be the year. You may think: This time, I’ll finally lose the weight, cut back on drinking, stop feeling so anxious, or fix that relationship I’ve been neglecting.

You may make it through January, but the failure rate for many New Year’s resolutions hovers around 80%. After a month or two into the new year, you might have given up on your goal and may be carrying the additional weight of disappointment and self-blame.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. More importantly, you may not be failing because you lack willpower or discipline. When you find yourself making the same resolutions year after year without lasting change, it may be time to consider a different possibility: how mental health is involved.

Why Do I Keep Failing at My New Year’s Resolutions?

If only 9% of Americans ultimately keep their resolutions, this means the vast majority of people struggle just like you do. But while fitness gurus and self-help books will tell you to set smarter goals, track your habits, or find an accountability partner, these strategies often miss a crucial truth: behavioral change is nearly impossible when underlying mental health conditions are working against you.

The Willpower Myth: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

For decades, we’ve been told that willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. But actually, the very belief that you just need more self-control may be setting you up for failure.

Success is often influenced by a combination of personality traits, environmental factors, and social contexts rather than willpower alone. In reality, when you’re battling anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, or trauma, your brain is working with fundamentally different resources.

How Mental Health Conditions Sabotage Your Goals

The resolutions you make year after year to lose weight, drink less, manage anxiety, and improve relationships aren’t random. They’re often symptoms of deeper struggles that haven’t been identified or addressed. Consider what other factors might be at play, and give yourself some newfound grace.

When Depression Derails Your Best Intentions

This year, you may plan to exercise more, eat better, or reconnect with friends. But anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues are common conditions that nearly 21 million adults in the U.S. deal with each year (as of 2021 data).

While it manifests differently from person to person, depression doesn’t just make you feel sad: it fundamentally alters your motivation, energy levels, and ability to experience pleasure. When you’re depressed, the activities that would help you feel better feel impossibly difficult.

ADHD: The Hidden Hurdle

Many adults struggle for years without realizing they have Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity (ADHD). They may just think they’re lazy, undisciplined, or fundamentally flawed. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and consistency, leading to self-sabotaging behavior like missed deadlines, emotional outbursts, or difficulty following routines.

Living with ADHD can make it difficult to reach your goals and find a routine that works. Your resolution to wake up earlier, stick to a budget, or stop procrastinating faces up against mental health factors that no amount of determination or “willpower” can overcome.

Anxiety and the Self-Sabotage Cycle

If you want to be less anxious this year, you might make resolutions to meditate, practice self-care, or “worry less.” But anxiety has a way of hijacking your best efforts, whether it’s related to politics, finances, relationships, the holidays, or more. These deep-rooted beliefs and thinking patterns can fuel all kinds of fears that can result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

Ironically, the very act of setting ambitious goals can trigger anxiety about failure, which confirms your worst fears about yourself. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break on your own. Luckily, anxiety (and depression and ADHD) is a very treatable and common condition that doesn’t have to get in your way.

Depression, ADHD, and anxiety are not the only mental health issues that can make reaching your annual goals a challenge. Substance abuse challenges, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and others might be at play. The first step, though, is doing some self-evaluation and talking to a licensed mental health professional.

What Does Self-Sabotage Really Look Like?

Getting in your own way isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t always look like giving up. Knowing the below signs of self-sabotage can equip you with the tools to interrupt your harmful patterns and start reaching your goals:

Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable, or unintelligent contribute to self-defeating behavior. These core beliefs fuel fears about performance and can cause procrastination or avoidance.

If you find yourself getting in your own way, remember: These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re often learned responses to unmet emotional needs. Plus, they’re incredibly common among people with undiagnosed mental health conditions.

How Do I Know If I Need Professional Help?

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your resolution struggles signal something deeper, try asking yourself these questions:

Prioritizing your mental health needs doesn’t have to follow a significant or traumatic event in your life. It can be the natural next step if you notice the little things adding up and your resolutions getting harder and harder to achieve.

What Can Therapy Actually Do for My Resolutions?

Despite what some may think, therapy isn’t about having someone tell you to try harder or hold you accountable. It’s about uncovering and addressing the root causes that have been affecting your efforts all along. Finding emotional healing starts with a diagnosis, if applicable, exploring root causes, and building the skills to manage your needs.

Accurate Diagnosis Changes Everything

A thorough evaluation for a specific condition, or a few, might seem scary and overwhelming. But getting an accurate diagnosis gives you clarity. Suddenly, your struggles have a name and a framework. Whether you have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or another condition, early identification improves the effectiveness of treatment and improves your overall quality of life. You’re not broken or lazy: you’re dealing with a legitimate challenge that has real solutions.

Therapy Addresses the “Why,” Not Just the “What”

Resolutions and therapy may share the same end goal of bettering yourself, but they approach it in very different ways. Resolution-setting focuses on behavior: eat less, exercise more, save money. Therapy digs into why those behaviors have been so difficult to sustain.

A skilled therapist can help you:

You Learn Skills That Last Beyond January

Therapy is not meant to give you a one-time fix for a sticky situation or a script for handling one tough conversation. Therapy approaches are long-term treatments that can be very helpful in creating lasting change. Some common frameworks include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to name a few.

Making Therapy Your Resolution This Year

This year, instead of resolving to change your behavior through just more willpower and determination, consider making a different commitment: to understand yourself better and get the support you deserve.

When finding a therapist, look for someone who:

Seeking therapy is about acknowledging that you’ve been fighting an uphill battle with limited tools and wanting to make a change, not admitting defeat. With proper treatment, you can work towards genuine self-motivation.

Take the First Step Towards a Healthier You

Change takes time, and it doesn’t have to start with a sweeping life overhaul. It can start with one phone call, one appointment, one honest conversation about what you’ve been struggling with. Setting New Year’s resolutions already proves you have the desire to change, so now it’s time to get the support that makes change possible.

Find a therapist near you who can help you understand what’s been holding you back and build a path forward that actually works for your life and your unique circumstances.

Learning how to stop procrastinating is one of the most searched productivity topics online, and for good reason. Procrastination affects millions of people worldwide, with research indicating that up to 20% of adults and 50% of students struggle with chronic procrastination (Rozental et al., 2014). The consequences extend far beyond missed deadlines, procrastination can lead to diminished performance, poor mental and physical health, and increased stress, worry, and guilt.

Longitudinal studies consistently show that procrastination functions as a short-term coping strategy with serious long-term costs. While the roots of procrastination vary across individuals, there are proven patterns that can help anyone discover how to stop procrastinating effectively and permanently.

If you’re wondering how to stop procrastinating, these nine research-informed strategies reveal what non-procrastinators do differently:

1. They Practice Self-Compassion Instead of Self-Criticism

People who speak to themselves with harsh criticism often experience increased stress and avoidance behaviors. Research published in Self and Identity found that lower self-compassion was directly correlated with higher levels of procrastination.

What You Can Do: Replace self-judgment with supportive inner dialogue. When facing a challenging task, try saying, “It’s okay to take this one step at a time” rather than berating yourself for past delays. Self-compassion research shows that this approach actually improves motivation and performance.

2. They Don’t Let Role Models Define Their Habits

Many people unconsciously adopt procrastination behaviors modeled by parents, siblings, or mentors during their formative years.

What You Can Do: Become aware of these inherited patterns by reflecting on where your procrastination habits originated. Consider the costs these role models paid for their delays, and actively seek out new models of timely action to emulate instead.

3. They Believe in Their Ability to Be Effective

Albert Bandura’s concept of self-efficacy is central to understanding procrastination, people often delay tasks because they doubt their ability to complete them successfully. Research shows that academic self-efficacy strongly predicts reduced procrastination and improved performance.

What You Can Do: Challenge assumptions about your ineffectiveness. Build confidence through skill development, seeking support when needed, and using flexible self-talk like “I can learn as I go” or “Time and effort will help me succeed.” Consider each task an experiment rather than a test of your worth.

4. They Don’t Avoid Certain Types of Tasks

Some people develop biases against particular tasks, convincing themselves they simply “aren’t good at” certain things, which creates avoidance patterns.

What You Can Do: Examine and challenge these limiting beliefs. Use task avoidance as a red flag and opportunity for growth. Ask yourself: “What if I could prove that belief wrong, just once?” Often, our perceived weaknesses are simply areas where we lack experience or confidence.

5. They Plan Realistically and Build in Buffer Time

Many procrastinators fall victim to the planning fallacy, underestimating how long tasks will take or overestimating how quickly they’ll complete them.

What You Can Do: Begin tasks earlier than you think necessary and aim to finish ahead of deadlines. Building buffer time reduces stress and enhances follow-through. Consider tying task completion to small rewards to reinforce successful planning habits.

6. They Resist Short-Term Pleasures When Necessary

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) describes “short-range hedonism” as a key contributor to procrastination. People may prioritize immediate comfort over long-term benefits.

What You Can Do: Increase awareness of this pattern and connect more deeply with future rewards. Practice delaying gratification to build long-term resilience and goal orientation. REBT research shows that challenging irrational beliefs about immediate pleasure leads to better self-regulation.

7. They Don’t Let Perfectionism Paralyze Them

High-achieving individuals might insist that tasks be completed perfectly, a standard that often delays action and fuels avoidance behaviors. Studies indicate that perfectionism frequently leads to procrastination rather than better outcomes.

What You Can Do: Recalibrate your expectations by tracking how perfectionism has harmed rather than helped your progress. Focus on completion and progress over flawlessness. Remember that “good enough” often surpasses perfect work that never gets finished.

8. They Address Underlying Mental Health Factors

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions can significantly diminish executive function, making it difficult to initiate or maintain motivation for tasks. Research demonstrates clear links between procrastination and various mental health challenges.

What You Can Do: Always consider whether underlying mental health conditions might be contributing to procrastination patterns. Seek comprehensive treatment when needed, and break large tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Set realistic goals based on your current energy and capacity.

9. They Tolerate Discomfort Rather Than Avoid It

According to REBT principles, procrastination often stems from the belief that discomfort should be avoided at all costs. Non-procrastinators, however, accept that some discomfort is inevitable when pursuing meaningful goals.

What You Can Do: Revise rigid beliefs about discomfort by reframing it as a growth opportunity rather than something to flee. Take small action steps and use the Premack Principle to reinforce progress, for example, “Once I organize these files, I’ll enjoy a 15-minute walk outside.”

Key Takeaways for How to Stop Procrastinating

Understanding how to stop procrastinating effectively requires recognizing that procrastination is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. These nine strategies provide a comprehensive roadmap for developing the mindset and habits of non-procrastinators.

The most important insight? Procrastination isn’t a character flaw, it’s a coping mechanism that can be replaced with healthier approaches to task management and self-regulation. By implementing these research-backed strategies consistently, you can master how to stop procrastinating and develop the productivity and confidence that characterize those who rarely delay important tasks.

FAQ: How to Stop Procrastinating

Q: What is the fastest way to learn how to stop procrastinating? A: Research indicates that procrastination primarily stems from emotional regulation difficulties, particularly the inability to tolerate discomfort, fear of failure, perfectionism, and low self-efficacy beliefs about task completion. Start with self-compassion and small, manageable steps.

Q: How long does it take to master how to stop procrastinating? A: While individual timelines vary, studies suggest that consistent application of anti-procrastination strategies can show improvements within 2-4 weeks, with more substantial behavioral changes occurring over 8-12 weeks of practice.

Q: Can learning how to stop procrastinating completely eliminate it? A: Rather than complete elimination, the goal is developing better awareness and coping strategies. Most people experience occasional procrastination, but the key is preventing it from becoming a chronic, self-defeating pattern.

Q: What’s the difference between procrastination and laziness? A: Procrastination involves actively avoiding important tasks despite knowing they should be completed, often accompanied by guilt and stress. Laziness suggests a general unwillingness to exert effort, which is quite different from the complex emotional patterns involved in procrastination.

Q: Are there any benefits to procrastination? A: While some people claim to work better under pressure, research consistently shows that procrastination leads to increased stress, lower quality work, and negative health outcomes. The temporary “rush” of last-minute completion doesn’t outweigh the long-term costs.

Q: When should someone seek professional help regarding how to stop procrastinating? A: Consider professional support if procrastination significantly impacts your work, relationships, or mental health, or if underlying conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADHD may be contributing factors.

References:

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W. H. Freeman.

Rozental, A., Forsell, E., Svensson, A., Andersson, G., Carlbring, P., & Lindefors, N. (2014). Internet-based cognitive-behavior therapy for procrastination: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(6), 956–967. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037106

Sirois, F. M. (2014). Procrastination and stress: Exploring the role of self-compassion. Self and Identity, 13(2), 128–145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2013.763404

Tice, D. M., & Baumeister, R. F. (1997). Longitudinal study of procrastination, performance, stress, and health: The costs and benefits of dawdling. Psychological Science, 8(6), 454–458. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.1997.tb00460.x

We all know perfection is an illusion. If perfection is unattainable and unrealistic, why do so many people strive to achieve it, setting themselves up for a perpetuating cycle of disappointment and shame?

For many perfectionists, there is an underlying fear that they are not “good enough,” “won’t succeed,” or “won’t be loved” if they don’t strive for perfection. At its core, perfectionism may essentially be an act of disowning our true selves. It’s often a coping mechanism for shame and inadequacy. Perfectionism thrives in convincing us that striving for it will make us our “best self,” when in reality, it can cause us to play small and take us away from our true selves.

Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed, but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break. You may think that without this type of pressure, you won’t be able to achieve your goals⁠— but the opposite is actually true. If you allow yourself to rest, acknowledge your progress, and engage in positive self-talk, you’re much less likely to burn out and more likely to achieve your goals without sacrificing your health and quality of life along the way.

Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed, but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break.

If you’re struggling with perfectionism, it’s important to keep in mind that it doesn’t go away overnight and that it takes time to learn how to overcome perfectionism. Below are seven tips to help you learn how to start letting go of perfectionism and be kinder to yourself.

7 Tips to Overcome Perfectionism

1. Identify the beliefs and rules that drive your perfectionism.

It can be helpful to identify the underlying beliefs and rules that drive your behavior. For example, many perfectionists have an underlying belief that they are not “good enough.” As a result of this belief, they may adhere to certain rules and all-or-nothing thinking such as “I must be perfect or I will be rejected,” or “I must be perfect or I will fail.” Often these beliefs and rules were formed in childhood. Bringing awareness to these beliefs and rules as well as how they impact different areas of your life can be the first key in the process of deprogramming these beliefs.

2. Honestly evaluate your expectations.

Take some time to honestly evaluate your expectations. It’s not realistic to expect that you will never fail or make mistakes because you are human, and you will inevitably make mistakes as we all do. Consider how you can create more realistic expectations for yourself. When you create realistic expectations, you are able to meet them. You’ll also build up your self-trust and self-confidence, two tools that can help you combat perfectionism.

3. Acknowledge the costs of perfectionism.

Perfectionism often leads to loss. These losses include: loss of quality time spent with others, loss of enjoying the present moment, and loss of connection with oneself. Many perfectionists struggle with modifying their standards due to fear they will fail as a result. Reflecting about what perfectionism has cost you in different areas of your life can help you realize that the costs outweigh the benefits. This realization can help boost your motivation to tackle perfectionism and be a helpful reminder for those times you feel tempted to give in to your inner critic.

If perfectionism were a physical illness, doctors would most certainly prescribe self-compassion as a way to treat it.

4. Practice self-compassion.

One of the most helpful ways to combat one’s inner critic and address perfectionism head-on is to practice self-compassion regularly. If perfectionism were a physical illness, doctors would most certainly prescribe self-compassion as a way to treat it.

Perfectionists are often their own worst critic. While they can be compassionate towards others, they may have difficulty being supportive of themselves. When you’re feeling critical towards yourself, some questions that can help you increase your self-compassion are:

• What would I say to a friend in this situation, and how can I apply that to myself?
• What would a friend say to me?
• How can I take care of myself right now?
• What do I need right now that I’m not getting?
• What are some ways I show others compassion that I can apply to myself?

Certain meditations can also help increase your self-compassion.

5. Engage in activities that build resilience.

Individuals who struggle with perfectionism often over-prepare and actively avoid making mistakes or putting themselves in situations where they may be bad at something. This fear can hold them back from learning that mistakes do not define their self-worth and most likely won’t cause others to reject them. It can be helpful to engage in activities you fear you will be bad at. Think of these activities as experiments that can help you practice letting go of unrealistic expectations and build resilience. This can be an anxiety-provoking process that takes time, but it can ultimately be very freeing for many perfectionists.

6. Reach out for support from others.

Perfectionism thrives in silence and isolation. Often perfectionists are surprised to find many others struggle with similar issues once they start opening up about it; this can reduce the feelings of shame that typically accompany perfectionism. Start by identifying one person in your life that you trust, and share with them about some of your struggles. The more you practice being vulnerable with people whom you trust, the less isolated you will feel, and the freer you may become.

7. Reduce your social media use.

Social media contributes to frequent social comparison, which can exacerbate perfectionism. Try taking a break from technology for a half or full day and see how you feel. When you start using social media after the break, notice how you feel. Are you engaging in social comparison and feeling “not good enough?” If so, consider implementing a regular break from social media a few times per week.

Keep in mind that it’s helpful to have realistic expectations for yourself as you’re working on your perfectionism—it’s a process that takes time. If you find yourself getting stuck during the process, it can be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in perfectionism and can help you combat your inner critic.

The word “perfectionist” may bring to mind someone who is the picture of tidy. Or it might inspire the thought of a bookshelf, alphabetized and organized by genre.

Perfectionism is simply the need to be (or appear) perfect. Different forms of perfectionism can have both positive and negative effects. People who are motivated by setting lofty goals may excel in academia or their workplace. But the harmful aspects of perfectionism can lead to depression, low self-esteem, or overwhelm.

When perfectionism becomes overbearing or overwhelming, it can lead to burnout. Burnout is complete mental and physical exhaustion. It often occurs after a prolonged period of stress. Striving for perfection can be highly stressful, and it can trigger burnout.

When Hard Work and High Goals Cause Burnout

There is nothing wrong with setting goals or having high expectations. But there are a few signs you may be heading into negative, or self-critical, perfectionism. These can include but are not limited to:

• Difficulty making decisions because “None of the options seem right”
• Excessive list-making [fat_widget_right]
• Giving up early or avoiding situations with higher risk of failure
• Procrastination
• Repeated checking: in the mirror, for errors in work, or your watch
• Hoarding
• Slowness in speech or reading grounded in the need to ensure nothing is missed or messed up

Stress caused by the self-critical behaviors of perfectionism can lead to burnout. You could be experiencing burnout if you feel:

• Emotionally blunted or numb
• Constantly overwhelmed
• That your daily tasks are pointless
• Underappreciated
• Depleted of motivation
• Hopeless or helpless
• Tired or fatigued most of the time

Why Does Perfectionism Trigger Burnout?

Perfectionism can cause a constant amount of stress in both work and home life. Living in a cycle of stress with no relief may allow a sense of helplessness or despair to take root. Neverending stress can sap motivation and make it seem like there is not point in trying.

By setting impossible to meet standards—perfection—a person cannot accomplish what they expect of themselves. They will never reach this goal, because perfection does not exist. Even if perfection was achieved at a certain point, standards for what is perfect may change over time. For people with harmful perfectionistic tendencies, this thinking can further contribute to a loss purpose and meaning.

Self-critical perfectionism often comes with negative self-talk. Thoughts such as “What is wrong with me?” and “At this rate, I may as well give up” may often run through the mind of someone with perfectionism. A steady flow of harsh inner dialogue can cause emotional exhaustion.

Are Some People Prone to Burnout?

One specific group is not more or less prone to burnout than another. But certain characteristics or mental health issues may make burnout more likely.

For example, people with social anxiety may be more prone to perfectionism. Both conditions can cause fear of being judged by others. The relationship between social anxiety and self-critical perfectionism indicates people with social anxiety may be more likely to burn out.

People with high-stress jobs and professional athletes may also be more susceptible to burnout. Perfectionism in the workplace or on the playing field can make self-compassion or acceptance of failure feel impossible. This may cause them to work or compete harder than is sustainable for long amounts of time.

Thoughts such as “What is wrong with me?” and “At this rate, I may as well give up” may often run through the mind of a person with perfectionism. A steady flow of harsh inner dialogue can cause emotional exhaustion.

Can Burnout Be Avoided?

Many people experience burnout at some point in life. It is possible to prevent it from happening regularly or for extended periods. Management of perfectionistic tendencies is key in preventing someone from reaching a state of burnout.

To help manage perfectionism, you might:

• Remind yourself to think realistically. Practice repeating “All I can do is my best!” or “Nobody is perfect!” to yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
• Gather perspective. Look at how you fit into the bigger picture. Consider the broader context of a stressful situation.
• Compromise. Decide what level of imperfection or perfection you can handle for the moment. Operate within that framework.
• Speak up. Tell people when you are tired or feeling run down.
• Manage your time. Avoid procrastinating and becoming overwhelmed. Create schedules with tasks you can complete in a certain number of hours.
• Take regular breaks from work or activities. Read, take a nap, play with a pet, or spend time with a good friend. Breathe.

Tips for Handling Perfectionism-Induced Burnout

If perfectionism is not managed, a person may reach a point of burnout. It can be harder to bounce back from a state of burnout than from a point of tiredness before it. Due to this, it is important to prevent burnout, if possible. But knowing how to treat and recover from burnout may be necessary for many with perfectionistic traits.

Burnout recovery includes self-care. A few good strategies might be:

• Socializing. Maintaining positive relationships and spending time with people you feel comfortable around can help reduce stress and overwhelm.
• Finding balance. Leave a chaotic job, or say no to projects that will overload you. Set a hard stopping time for leaving the office or closing your computer each day.
• Nourishing your creativity. Write or journal, make art or music, cook, garden, or dance.
• Taking care of your body. Exercise or stay active, and try to eat whole, healthy foods.
• Seeing a therapist. Talk therapy can help people cope with feelings of depression or pointlessness during burnout. Speaking with a therapist may help people make a plan for moving forward.

A solid self-care plan can help you work toward a faster pace or bigger project load. It is important to practice self-care and know your limits. You may avoid burnout by being realistic in your expectations and communicating needs and feelings of overwhelm with bosses and coworkers. This may mean turning down a new project or giving up some responsibilities to clear your plate.

You can still accomplish goals and do quality work at a pace that won’t burn you out. Burnout and perfectionism can hinder your ability to do your best. Learning to manage them may serve you better in the future. If things become too much for you to handle on your own, a mental health professional can help you learn skills to manage perfectionistic behavior.

References:

1. Benson, E. (2003). The many faces of perfectionism. Monitor on Psychology, 10(34), 18. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/manyfaces.aspx
2. Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2015, July 31). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 3(20), 269-288. Doi: 10.1177/1088868315596286
3. Fursland, A., Lim, L., Raykos, B., & Steele, A. (2009). What is perfectionism? Retrieved from http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/1%20What%20is%20%20Perfectionism.pdf
4. How to overcome perfectionism. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
5. Kempke, S., Luvten, P., Claes, S., Goossens, L., Bekaert, P., Van Wambeke, P., & Van Houdenhove, B. (2012, August 30). Self-critical perfectionism and its relationship to fatigue and pain in the daily flow of life in patients with chronic fatigue syndrome. Psychological Medicine, 5(43), 995-1002. doi: 10.1017/S0033291712001936
6. Ruggeri, A. (2018, February 21). The dangerous downsides of perfectionism. BBC. Retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

As someone who works a lot with self-esteem, I’m always curious to know where people are with their feelings of self-worth and self-acceptance. Some enter my office reassuring me that self-esteem is not a problem for them. But as we start to work together, I often begin hearing patterns that indicate a person may have perfectionist tendencies. People are sometimes surprised to hear that perfectionism and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand.

People with perfectionist tendencies habitually judge and measure themselves by what was not accomplished, rather than what was. They see the 95% on a test and focus on the 5% of questions they got wrong. They come in second place and beat themselves up for not coming in first. They fail to see the beauty of their artwork, instead focusing on the smudges no one else would notice. Or they get hung up on the few tasks they didn’t quite accomplish while overlooking the progress they did make despite the barriers that may have gotten in the way.

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The language and self-talk of perfectionist people tends to include a lot of “should” statements: I should have performed better; I should have practiced harder; I should have achieved more. They set up unrealistic, rigid, or too lofty expectations, which inevitably result in feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Being a perfectionist is not the same thing as having healthy goals. Striving to grow and better yourself is a healthy endeavor when coupled with the knowledge that doing so takes time and no matter what, you will still have shortcomings. When a person is unable to accept weaknesses and failures, they never feel “good enough” and self-esteem is impaired. Perfectionist people tend to be highly critical and judgmental, especially regarding themselves.

Procrastination and an inability to make decisions are often other symptoms of perfectionism. For a perfectionist, making a decision, even a seemingly insignificant one, can become very difficult due to fear of making a wrong or bad choice. For example, it may be difficult to choose a restaurant out of fear your suggestion may disappoint your partner or friend. Perfectionists may delay or put off making decisions or starting new endeavors out of concern they won’t get it exactly right. For some people, this can result in extreme anxiety. The problem with indecisiveness and procrastination driven by perfectionism is that the further we get from being able to voice our opinions or follow our dreams, the more we lose our identity and let feelings of self-worth slip away.

Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown defines perfectionism as a self-destructive and addictive belief system driven by feelings of shame. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success,” she writes. “In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.”

Perfection is impossible, but rather than accept this as true, people with perfectionist tendencies often go on seeking to achieve it. Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves, and thus the harder they strive to meet impossible expectations in an attempt to boost feelings of self-worth.

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Perfectionism can also take a toll on relationships. People with perfectionist tendencies often aim to achieve intimacy and approval by trying to appear perfect to those around them. They may put on a facade to hide their true selves, which naturally includes imperfections, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. This front tends to limit closeness in relationships and may make others uncomfortable, as the person with perfectionism may be viewed as fake, unapproachable, or inflexible. Over time, attempts to be and appear perfect can lead to burnout.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Escaping perfectionist tendencies can be a daunting task. Our society is filled with media and advertising that portray unrealistic standards of existence, and it can be difficult to accept these as inflated and embellished paradigms rather than as possible and attainable ideals.

If you recognize that you have perfectionist tendencies, accept it as a normal and common issue rather than criticizing yourself. Think about what your beliefs and potentially irrational thoughts are regarding what will happen if you are not perfect. Work toward making peace with imperfections and recognizing that perfection is an unreachable and fleeting goal.

Relax your standards, lower the bar for yourself, and begin setting more realistic goals. Cut yourself some slack and watch out for the tendency to overcompensate for flaws rather than just accept yourself as human. Partner with a therapist if you need some help. Remember, mistakes are how we learn. It may benefit you to adopt an affirmation or mantra, such as, “I do the best I can.” Praise yourself for the accomplishments in your day, no matter how small they may seem.

As you begin to practice self-acceptance and give yourself praise for the things you have accomplished, your perfectionism may gradually lessen. Letting go of the tendency to dwell on limitations or deficiencies may allow you to both feel better about yourself and focus your energy on positive and achievable growth.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.

People generally want to be accepted. For many, this means fitting in with the crowd. In order to do that, you may feel pressure to think and behave a certain way. The trouble is that when you try so hard to be what someone else considers normal, you may lose a part of yourself in the process.

Here are seven reasons why you should stop trying to be normal and start being yourself instead:

1. Normal May Mean Playing it Safe

It takes courage to stand out from the crowd and follow your own path. It may be easier to simply do what everyone else is doing, but it probably won’t be nearly as fulfilling.

It can take a huge amount of energy to try to be normal. When you choose normality, you may inadvertently be giving up some of your own strength. You can empower yourself by choosing to honor your authenticity and staying true to who you are.

The choice is yours. You can either choose to potentially be limited by concepts of normality, or you can choose to free yourself and live your life in a way that feels natural to you. You may never know what you can achieve until you try. So rather than trying to be normal, use that energy to discover your own unique potential.

2. Normal Is a Subjective Ideal

The concept of normality is more of a subjective opinion than an objective reality. Each culture develops its own consensus of what is normal. What one culture may consider commonplace another may find unusual.

“The world ‘normal’ suggests there is a right and wrong way to be a person,” said Pandora L. MacLean-Hoover, LICSW. “There isn’t. There is a spectrum of acceptable behavior in lawful societies like ours. It’s vast and varies greatly.”

[fat_widget_right]There is no cookie cutter definition of how a human is supposed to behave. The idea that there is some ideal standard all humans should conform to is likely unrealistic and can be psychologically limiting. All you can do is trust in yourself, honor your values, and do what makes you happy.

3. Normal Is Not Easily Defined

It is often easier for people to define abnormal than it is to nail down a definition of normal. The reason for this is there is no clear definition of what normal is. It is only when someone deviates from what is generally conceived as ordinary that people become concerned with such labels.

“People widely embrace the notion they can always do better,” MacLean-Hoover said. “In doing so, they frequently deny themselves opportunities to validate their efforts. I suggest people become acquainted with the phrase, ‘I did my best.’”

4. Perfection Does Not Exist

Often, when people are trying to be normal, what they’re really trying to achieve is perfection. Perfection is unattainable, and when you strive for it, you may end up focusing too much on perceived flaws and not enough on strengths.

According to Andrew Archer, LCSW, a major drawback of trying to achieve perfection is that it is generally driven by a feeling of not being “good enough.”

“The self-fulfilling prophecy of perfectionism leads to perpetual cycles of dissatisfaction because the person gives 110% all the time, but never believes that they themselves are worthy or deserving in some way,” Archer said. “The negative belief gets in the way of ostensible achievement.”

Humans are not perfect. Mistakes happen and that is how we learn. Choose to find the beauty in the imperfections. If everything was already perfect, there wouldn’t be any room for growth.

5. People May Miss Out on Your Uniqueness

When you identify yourself as normal, you may be giving up your personal identity. We all have our differences. Embrace yours, and respect those of others.

Everyone possesses unique characteristics and qualities. When you deny yourself the right to be uniquely you, the entire world could be missing out.Can you imagine how boring life would be if everyone was the same? Everyone possesses unique characteristics and qualities. When you deny yourself the right to be uniquely you, the entire world could be missing out. Do yourself and the rest of us a favor: be yourself and be proud of who you are.

“If being ‘normal’ means being the same as others, then the benefits for being different are enjoyed in the form of recognition. This is especially true for creative people,” MacLean-Hoover said. “Striving for normality may magnify fear of failing while it diminishes creativity. Being curious and creative requires taking risk. Worrying about living up to a nonexistent standard puts a person’s emphasis on the outcome instead of the process.”

Emphasizing the outcome and seeking external acceptance is not likely to help you feel fulfilled. You are more likely to find genuine happiness through self-acceptance. Rather than trying to get other people to love you, try to simply love yourself.

6. Labels Are for Soup Cans, Not People

Labels are useful for some things, but they often don’t fit in well with the messy world of human emotions and personality traits. Even psychological diagnoses can be challenging to make, as no two people diagnosed with a single condition are exactly alike.

If normal is equated with the status quo, then abnormality becomes equal to nonconformity, Archer said.

“The American Psychological Association and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual are good examples of a process that is implicitly defining normality through a diagnostic classification system of ‘disorders,’” Archer said. “There is a sense of abnormality created when a person is diagnosed with a ‘mental illness.’ The injustices of this system are both the eradication of culture within the process and the lack of definition for ‘normal.’”

People are not easily categorized, and perhaps this is for the best. Human life is too organic to be rigidly classified. Normal might be more of an abstraction than a human experience.

7. Normal May Not Change the World

Normal may be similar to usual, average, typical, or expected. Normal implies conforming to a preconceived standard, which can limit your potential. You might never achieve the extraordinary as long you choose to remain ordinary. Normal generally doesn’t mean stretching limits. Normal doesn’t commonly mean thinking outside the box. Normal usually doesn’t mean achieving greatness.

“Typically, we get caught up in comparison of what we think was normal or should be ideal when we reflect on the past or daydream on potential future understandings of who we think we are,” Archer said.

Don’t be normal. Be you.