Don’t let my youthful face fool you—I’m a few years older than Taylor Swift. (No, I’m not telling you how many years older. How rude of you to ask! We just met.) Nonetheless, the iconic pop star has several lessons those from every generation—millennials to boomers—could stand to learn, even if you are not a Swiftie or are repelled by the idea of becoming one. (I must confess, though, life on the Swiftie side really is delightful!)

Life Lesson No. 1

“Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you, especially when they don’t know you.”

I’m taking this quote directly from Taylor when she performed at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Well said, Taylor.

How many times have you worried about other people’s opinions of you? How has that worry held you back? What might you have achieved or accomplished if you had been able to let go of that worry? Could you have felt better about yourself?

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One thing I’ve learned in life is that, the majority of the time, people are focused on themselves—so much so they probably have no clue what you’re doing. And if they did, they would likely be more concerned about what you thought about what they thought of you! (Are you still with me?)

Life Lesson No. 2

Your 20s are both “miserable and magical” and a time to feel “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

As a psychologist, I provide therapy to adults of all ages, from every decade of life from the 20s to the 80s. Each decade has common challenges. Yet, for those in their 20s, it can be a landmine of obstacles. For many, the 20s are a time when nearly everything in life is up in the air, sometimes all at once.

Young adults often question what they should do for a living, who they should date (perhaps exploring or questioning their sexuality), where they should live, even who they feel they truly are. These concerns don’t magically or mysteriously resolve the day you turn 30. However, as people move through their 20s, they often find some grounding in these various areas that can be built upon in future decades. In the interim, the vast selection and possibilities can feel liberating, scary, or even isolating. Any unpleasant feelings can be exacerbated by people aged 30 and over who act dismissive, telling those in their 20s they have no problems because they are young. Maybe they had so much fun in their 20s they can’t remember the associated and occasional angst. For their sake, I hope that’s the case.

Life Lesson No. 3

When you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

It’s hard for me to imagine that concert-goers under age 10 could understand the lyrics, “When I was drowning/that’s when I could finally breathe.” For me, I associate this song (“Clean”) and its lyrics with the occasional importance of hitting bottom, or at least getting close. It is often only when you hit bottom that you realize you can float, or essentially discover how resilient you really are.

As humans, we typically do all we can to avoid emotional pain. But people die, get divorced, get fired from jobs, and go through countless other forms of adversity. And the only option is to keep going forward, even if you take some time to grieve and retreat, because you must come out the other side. When you do, you will realize you are stronger than you think.

Life Lesson No. 4

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake.

When you run into these characters, try to do like Taylor and “shake it off.” This is related to life lesson No. 1—not letting others define you. Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t let others throw you off your game.

I often advise people in therapy to keep their eyes on their own lane. Just as when driving, if you focus on someone else’s life or drama, you may get hurt in a crash or start driving to someone else’s destination.

Life Lesson No. 5

Always take the high road, even when others don’t (ahem, Kanye).

This life lesson can be learned anytime Taylor must interact with Kanye West or his crew. Few of us will ever forget the infamous 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye rudely interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video. And we won’t soon forget the recent lyrics Kanye wrote about Taylor, the video he made, and the subsequent reactions on social media.

It doesn’t seem to matter who throws shade her way; her responses, whether in an acceptance speech or in a tweet, always seem to reflect maturity and integrity. I don’t know how she maintains such composure, but it’s impressive. I know what I wanted to say to Kanye, but Taylor never went there. She rose above.

Life Lesson No. 6

Make art out of your pain.

Some of Taylor’s best work emerged from times of what seemed like significant pain. Figure out how you can work with your pain and sadness to create something amazing or healing. Such an approach could transform your life.

In my practice, I call this a “tragic gift.” This relates to life lesson No. 3—when you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

I could write about several more life lessons I’ve learned from Taylor Swift, including investing in and supporting your friends, standing up for what you feel is right, being able to laugh at yourself, and giving back to your community. But you get the idea. Despite Taylor’s relatively young age, there is much we can learn from her. One of my favorite lessons is you can be a woman and be powerful, beautiful, and intelligent. Thank you, Taylor!

Devoted animal lovers sometimes say their pets are like children—and like children, a furry best friend can cause plenty of strife in a relationship.

Whether it’s a disagreement about how to train a dog or a dispute over how much attention pets should get, conflict regarding pets can cause major turmoil. One study found that the average dog causes 2,000 arguments in his or her lifetime.

A disagreement about pets doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship, but it may require that each of you make some accommodations.

Practice Good Communication

If you’re starting a new relationship, take time to discuss your values regarding pets. If having an indoor cat or a dog that sleeps in your bed is important to you, you’ll need to ensure your partner shares these values or risk ending up in conflict. If you’re already in an established relationship, it’s time to begin communicating clearly and openly. Don’t get a new pet without consulting with your partner and getting his or her enthusiastic consent. If you want to change the way you do something with your pets—for example, allowing Fido to sleep in the bed or taking more frequent walks with your pet and your partner—talk to your partner before taking the plunge rather than making a decision and expecting him or her to abide by it.

Get Specific with the Problem

When there’s conflict over pets, getting specific about the problem can help you figure out a solution. If your husband complains about your dog constantly or your wife snaps at your cat, you might assume that the pet is the problem or that your partner hates your pet. But a change as simple as teaching your dog not to beg or keeping your cat off the bookshelf could remedy the issue. If you’re the pet lover, ask your partner specifically what the issue is and what would fix it. And if you’re the one resenting your partner’s pet, be clear about what you need to feel better.

Consult an Expert

A poorly trained dog or aggressive cat is frustrating to everyone, but the person who brought the pet into the relationship is sometimes more sympathetic to—and defensive about—the pet. If your partner is annoyed by a specific behavior such as excessive scratching, it’s time to call an expert. A trainer can work with you to make your pet a more mannerly member of the family, and a veterinarian can help you uncover hidden health problems that contribute to annoying behavior. It will cost some money, but it may be worth it to save your relationship and keep your pet happy and healthy.

Accept Differences

You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything. You may find that one of you is simply less in love with your pets than the other. As long as your partner isn’t abusive toward animals, he or she doesn’t have to let Fido lick him/her on the face or put up with Kitty’s constant scratching.

If you’re the one who brought the pet into the relationship, be prepared to do a little extra work. There’s no reason your partner has to love your pets as much as you do, or even spend as much time caring for them. As long as you can strike a fair balance that ensures your pet’s needs are met, consider giving your partner a pass on nightly pet duties.

References:

1. Johnston, S. (n.d.). Making peace with your partner’s pets. Match.com. Retrieved from http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12463/Making-Peace-With-Your-Partners-Pets-/

2. Man’s worst friend: Average dog causes 2,000 family arguments in its lifetime. (2012, January 11). Mail Online. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2084835/Mans-worst-friend-Average-dog-causes-2-000-family-arguments-lifetime.html

Olympic athletes train for years to reach their common goal: a medal at the Olympics. They push their bodies to the edge of human capability to stand on a podium and collect a gold, silver, or bronze medal. While competing in the Olympic Games requires immense physical ability, the pressure often adds up to a heavy psychological load for athletes, both at the games and beyond.

Sport psychology is not new in the mental health field, but it has gained greater attention, interest, and acceptance in recent decades. The discipline of sport psychology has an inexact placement at the intersection of athletic training and personal counseling, varying widely depending on the sport and the practitioner.

The focus is often directed at how different aspects of competition affect the player or team’s overall mental health. While the well-being of the athlete is the ultimate aim, sport psychologists also promote mental toughness to optimize athletic achievement. At the international games, and with a massive global audience watching, another crucial hurdle faces the sport psychologist: Olympic-sized performance anxiety.

What Is Sport Psychology?

It started with a simple observation by a psychologist named Norman Triplett in 1898. A pioneer in the field of social psychology, he noticed that cyclists typically performed better when in the presence of a competitor. Recognizing cues like that has helped psychologists find not just the best ways to enhance athletic performance, but also to understand the distinct pressures faced by elite athletes. Concerns such as not wanting to disappoint a coach or teammates and striving to meet the expectations of fans can be paired against personal issues, stress, and self-doubt.

[fat_widget_right]Today, sport psychologists work with athletes at all levels to improve their performance, manage performance-related stress and anxiety, help them handle any mental challenges associated with injuries, and encourage athletes to enjoy what they do. Research has shown there is value in tapping into a player’s love for the game. Such efforts can help keep an athlete motivated against grueling training regimens and physical exertion.

Sport psychologists work with their athletes by encouraging them to set high but realistic goals, developing skills to maintain concentration and focus, and by helping them manage stress through controlled breathing and positive self-talk. A common technique used by sport and fitness psychologists to enhance athletic performance is visualization. For example, basketball players often spend practice time not just physically shooting hoops, but also visualizing the basketball dropping into the hoop successfully. Similarly, archers may paint a mental picture of the arrow finding its target, while divers might imagine themselves going into the pool in perfect form with minimal splash.

Sport psychologists also teach athletes to deal effectively with people, both within the sport and in general. They commonly help coaches and family members of athletes as well, watching out for the general well-being of the “team,” even in individual competitions. Particular techniques, including stress-reducing methods, can help those surrounding the athlete to more effectively offer support.

A sport psychologist may be one of the only people in a professional athlete’s life who doesn’t look at the scoreboard. While family members, coaches, and spectators might instinctively or involuntarily judge an athlete based on performance, the sport psychologist is likely looking beyond the outcome with a focus on giving support in the face of defeat and offering perspective in the thrill of victory.

Athletes worldwide appear to be embracing sport psychologists as a crucial member of the team. Olympian Elana Meyers won a silver medal at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi and took bronze at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver as part of the U.S. Olympic Bobsled Team. Throughout her career, she says her coaches and sports psychologist have worked side by side.

“Recently, we have all been working together to improve my driving, even though we’re not on ice,” Meyers said. “My coach interacts to ensure that the work we’re doing on driving is accurate and appropriate. My sport psychologist interacts with my coach to ensure that my mental environment is appropriate around times of training and competition.”

Occasionally those roles can become blurred, she said. “Sometimes my coach is like my sport psychologist and my sport psychologist acts as a coach.”

On a more global scale, Meyers sees the field of sport psychology expanding, in part thanks to the international games.

“Now it’s openly discussed on Olympics coverage,” she said. “I think sport psychology is becoming mainstream and really elevating athletes’ performances across the world.”

The Modern Sport Psychologist

While individual competitions may not have changed too drastically in the last century, the arenas in which today’s athletes perform have. The 2012 Summer Olympics in London set new records as the most-watched TV event in U.S. history, drawing nearly 220 million American viewers across the two-week games in just one country.

Today’s Olympic athletes must compete in this glaring international spotlight, surrounded by increased technical distractions and sometimes weighed down by the expectations of fans and fellow athletes. The size and scale of modern Olympic Games make the services of a sport psychologist even more valuable, no matter the event.

Today, sport psychologists work with athletes at all levels to improve their performance, manage performance-related stress and anxiety, help them handle any mental challenges associated with injuries, and encourage athletes to enjoy what they do.How sport psychologists operate professionally can vary. Some consult or maintain private practices, while others are on staff with professional teams, leagues, or individual athletes. Their services are now commonly accepted and employed in major sports organizations worldwide, ranging from the National Football League and Major League Baseball in the U.S to Brazil’s World Cup Team.

During the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, even more so than in past competitions, sport psychology received individual attention at the games. As media outlets tell the back stories of Olympic stars like gymnast Simone Biles and swimmer Michael Phelps, they seek new angles that include the athletes’ mental toughness and resilience required to win their medals.

Occasionally, sport psychologists may find their own merit judged against an athlete’s performance, as was the case with Brazil’s 2014 World Cup defeat. The coach’s pre-game support for the team psychologist quickly became scrutinized following their loss to Germany.

Yet, those in the field of sport psychology might actually be better equipped to face such challenges through their own personal experiences. Those practicing sports psychology today—who often have backgrounds as former athletes or active sports enthusiasts—have first-hand awareness of the sharp edges of doubt and defeat and the internal drive for athletic greatness.

References:

1. AASP. (n.d.). Applied Sport & Exercise Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.appliedsportpsych.org/about/about-applied-sport-and-exercise-psychology/
2. Joyce, N. (2008, July). The early days of sport psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2008/07-08/sport-psych.aspx
3. O’Connell, M. (2016, August 6). TV Ratings: Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony Falls 28 Percent From London. Retrieved from http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/tv-ratings-rio-olympics-opening-ceremony-how-many-watched-917393
4. OCSP Services. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.sportpsych.org/services
5. Patmore, A. (2014, July 9). Why sports psychologists couldn’t save Brazil’s World Cup hopes. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/jul/09/why-sports-psychologists-couldnt-save-brazil-world-cup
6. Rathi, A. (2016, August 9). What sports psychologists do for Olympic athletes that coaches can’t. Retrieved from http://qz.com/753857/for-olympians-to-reach-the-highest-level-they-need-a-sports-psychologist/

Earlier this year, the Powerball jackpot soared to $1.5 billion dollars. Ticket sales went through the roof. People who never played the lottery before were suddenly buying handfuls of tickets. According to psychologists, this is likely rooted in an innate fear of missing out.

FOMO, an acronym for “Fear of Missing Out” has become a popular internet term in the last few years. It was even added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013. FOMO is defined as the feeling of anxiety or apprehension over the possibility of not being included in an exciting event happening elsewhere that others are experiencing.

The term may be new, but the feeling itself is not. People tend to wonder if the grass might be greener on the other side. There’s always the question of whether someone out there is living a better life, making more money, or finding more opportunities. In the digital age, when social media and smartphones have the potential to make us more preoccupied with others’ lives than ever before, FOMO can become a serious problem for some people.

Where FOMO Comes From

The term FOMO was originally popularized by entrepreneur Caterina Fake. FOMO is a modern-day form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” Where people were once trying to keep up with a handful of neighbors, they’re now trying to keep up with hundreds, even thousands of social media friends and followers.

Social media has its good points. It can help people stay connected to friends and family around the globe, but it can also create serious feelings of anxiety, inferiority, and depression for some. People look to social media to feel more connected, but in many ways, it can make people feel more disconnected.

[fat_widget_right]It is not clear to researchers whether social media is responsible for creating feelings of FOMO or if it simply makes it easier for people to indulge in those feelings. The latter is more likely, as humans have dealt with emotions such as envy and regret since the beginning of time. Looking at others’ lives on social media for hours each day can exaggerate those emotions.

Research has linked FOMO to feeling disconnected from others and discontent with one’s own life. According to a 2013 study published in Computers in Human Behavior, people with a high degree of FOMO feel less competent, less autonomous, and less connected in their daily lives than the average person. People with strong feelings of FOMO also reported using social media more often, suggesting social media may be a significant contributing factor to their anxiety.

Megan MacCutcheon, LPC, has noticed the negative effects of social media in people who are seeking to improve their self-esteem through therapy.

“In my workshops, participants often begin a conversation around social media and how it affects their self-esteem and the ability to feel satisfied in their own lives,” MacCutcheon said. “They see all these pictures and status updates on Facebook and develop a fear that they are missing out on the happiness, success, perfect families, and exciting experiences that everyone else seems to have.”

For those looking to improve their self-esteem and increase satisfaction in their own lives, here are some tips for overcoming FOMO.

Embrace the JOMO (Joy of Missing Out)

JOMO, or “Joy of Missing Out” is a counter-term created by entrepreneur Anil Dash. While people with FOMO may second-guess their choices and wonder if they could be having more fun elsewhere, people with JOMO embrace the choices they have made and find joy in the present situation.

Millions of amazing events take place in the world at any given moment. It is impossible to be everywhere at once. Rather than worrying about what you may or may not be missing out on, try making the choice that is best for you and owning that decision. Find happiness in what you’re doing, and remind yourself why you made the choice in the first place.

Limit Your Social Media Intake

FOMO might be an age-old problem, but social media can add fuel to the fire. If you find social media is making you feel envious of others’ lives or unsatisfied with your own, try limiting your time on social media websites such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Many people have become addicted to knowing what is happening in others’ lives. They end up neglecting their own lives, staring into a screen instead of being fully present in the moment.

Try giving yourself a set amount of time to check social media each day. Applications such as StayFocusd, Anti-Social, and Self-Control can block or limit time on social media and other distracting websites. You can also stop notifications from appearing on your phone so you are only engaging with social media when you are actively logged on.

Go to a Digital Detox Camp

FOMO is a modern day form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” Where people were once trying to keep up with a handful of neighbors, they’re now trying to keep up with hundreds and even thousands of social media friends and followers.If limiting time on social media doesn’t seem like enough, sometimes a full hibernation may be helpful. Some people choose to take a few weeks or even months off from social media to spend time with their real-life friends and family and focus on the present moment.

Some may choose to go on a camping or hiking trip to unplug. Others may find it more difficult to put their phones down, so they choose to attend a digital detox camp. Camp Grounded, located in Northern California, is one such digital detox camp. Adult campers willingly give up their phones for a few days, leaving the work jargon at home and participating in activities such as campfires, yoga, meditation, swimming, archery, and stargazing, among others.

Remind Yourself Social Media Is Airbrushed

Remember what is posted on social media is usually not what it seems. Just like the photos of models in magazines are airbrushed, people don’t typically post the whole truth on social media. Instead, people typically only post their best selfies and are more likely to share a photo of an exciting adventure rather than a rant about any difficulty they may be having. Remember, no matter how perfect or interesting a person’s life seems, everyone has bad days.

Be Grateful

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude can help combat anxious and envious feelings. Research has shown simply writing down a few things you’re grateful for each day can help increase your overall life satisfaction. Further positive psychology research links gratitude to greater feelings of happiness and well-being. The next time you’re feeling envious of what someone else has, try redirecting your focus to the positive aspects of your own life. You may start to feel better.

Practice Meditation

Meditation can help you become more mindful of your thoughts and feelings and how they affect your life. Taking a few minutes to meditate each day can help clear your mind and reduce anxiety.

Change Your Thoughts

According to psychologists, FOMO can actually be a form of cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns—such as believing your friends don’t like you if you weren’t invited to a recent event—that can lead to depression and other mental health conditions. Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques can help people learn to spot cognitive distortions when they occur and transform them into more positive and constructive thoughts.

Unplugging from technology, redirecting your thoughts, and seeking help from a qualified mental health professional are all ways you can stop worrying about what you’re missing out on and start feeling confident in the way you choose to spend your time.

References:

1. Burkeman, O. (2014, October 17). This column will change your life: The joy of missing out. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/17/joy-of-missing-out-oliver-burkeman
2. Hinds, H. (2016, January 13). Fear of missing out fuels pressure to play Powerball. Retrieved from http://www.fox13news.com/consumer/74215255-story
3. Huet, E. (2014, June 20). Camp Grounded: Where people pay $525 to have their smartphones taken away from them. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/ellenhuet/2014/06/20/camp-grounded-digital-detox/#732df78c688a
4. Giving thanks can make you happier. (2011). Harvard Health. Retrieved from http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
5. Glei, J. K. (2010). 10 online tools for better attention and focus. Retrieved from http://99u.com/articles/6969/10-online-tools-for-better-attention-focus
6. Pappas, S. (2013, May 14). Life satisfaction linked with fear of missing out. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/14/fear-of-missing-out-life-dissatisfaction-fomo_n_3275349.html
7. White, J. (2013, July 8). Research finds links between social media and the ‘fear of missing out.’ The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/research-finds-link-between-social-media-and-the-fear-of-missing-out/2013/07/08/b2cc7ddc-e287-11e2-a11e-c2ea876a8f30_story.html

Someone I’m working with in therapy recently asked me whether I’ve seen Pixar’s Inside Out. Shortly after, a friend of mine asked the same question, saying, “You would love it. It’s about emotions.” So I added the movie to my daughter’s Christmas list and finally had the chance to watch it.

Twenty-five minutes in, I was shopping online for Joy and Sadness figurines for my office.

For anyone who hasn’t seen the movie, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear are five characters living inside the mind of 11-year-old Riley. The movie provides a cute and interesting look at how things such as thoughts, memories, and feelings interact in the conscious and subconscious networks of the brain. What excited me most was how the banter between Joy and Sadness so perfectly depicts a topic I frequently teach in my workshops and therapy sessions—the topic of self-talk.

Self-talk is something we all engage in, be it consciously or in our subconscious minds. All day long, we are thinking various thoughts as we go about our days, completing various tasks and interacting with others. For many people, the thoughts playing in the background of the mind tend to be of an overwhelmingly negative nature. We tend to engage in all-or-nothing thinking, jump to extreme conclusions, magnify our weaknesses, overlook our strengths, and box ourselves into rigid ways of thinking.

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The attitude you take and the way you think about various situations will ultimately control how you feel. Over time, the build-up of negative messages and distorted thought patterns can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other issues.

In the movie, Sadness’ character constantly retorts the happy remarks of Joy with ho-hum responses and glass-half-empty views. For example, Sadness says, “I keep making mistakes like that. I’m awful. I know I am.” Joy tells her, “No, you’re not. You can’t focus on what’s going wrong. There’s always a way to turn things around. To find the fun.” She encourages Sadness to think of something funny. Sadness responds, “Remember the funny movie where the dog dies?”

In another scene, Riley’s dad has to leave for work and Sadness jumps to the conclusion, “He doesn’t love us anymore.” These berating remarks and pessimistic ways of thinking are so similar to the negative self-talk messages we all engage in at various times in our lives. When you engage in self-defeating thinking, with a lot of unrealistic expectations and overly critical messaging, you set yourself up to feel bad, incompetent, or inadequate.

The attitude you take and the way you think about various situations will ultimately control how you feel. Over time, the build-up of negative messages and distorted thought patterns can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other issues.

It’s often difficult at first to pick out this voice, as we are not used to actively observing all of our thought processes. Yet, monitoring self-talk is one of the main tools I encourage for building self-esteem. When you begin to pay attention to the messages in your mind, you can eventually work to catch and reframe negative messages into more optimistic, rational, and encouraging statements. Inside Out gives a nice visual of what self-talk is like. It demonstrates the types of messages and attitude that build you up versus drag you down.

People who really struggle with low self-esteem often find it nearly impossible to find a joyful voice. They say things like, “It is just too hard to give myself praise or say positive affirmations when I don’t really believe it.” Or, “I just cannot say anything nice to myself. It feels way too uncomfortable.” When this happens, I encourage the individuals I work with to imagine the self-talk voice as somebody outside of themselves—a caring friend, a loving mentor, or an encouraging coach. Imagine what you would say to a friend or to a small child and give yourself the same level of respect and compassion. The goal is to let the optimism of a voice like Joy’s greatly outweigh the glum of a voice like Sadness’. If giving a name and identity to your own messages helps, go for it.

As we learn toward the end of the movie (spoiler alert!), Sadness does have a real and important place in Riley’s mind. Changing self-talk doesn’t mean ignoring or ridding yourself of negative thoughts or emotions. Instead, it’s about finding a way to rationally acknowledge these feelings and move on without falling into a downward spiral of ruminating on the negative or beating yourself up. The goal is to think and speak to yourself in a kind way. For example, “I made a mistake. I am human.”

Developing this rational, positive voice often involves breaking a long-standing habit and takes time and a lot of practice. Start by paying attention to your own mental chatter; you may discover you, too, have a voice of Sadness that is getting in your way. As you become comfortable identifying this voice, you can begin working to temper the negative messages with more rational and constructive statements. The more you bring forward your own voice of Joy, the happier and more self-assured you will likely become.

Love Beyond the Years

Love doesn’t check birth certificates, but relationships with a significant age gap can come with unique joys and challenges. Whether your partner is a decade or two older—or younger—understanding these dynamics can help you build a healthy, lasting connection.

A middle-aged man dating a much younger woman has long been a familiar image in American culture, sometimes linked to a midlife crisis or seen as a status symbol. However, age gap relationships aren’t limited to this stereotype. Older women sometimes date younger men, and the archetype of the “cougar” is now part of popular culture. Same-sex couples may also have significant age differences.

While age alone doesn’t determine whether a relationship is real or meaningful, it can create unique considerations. Navigating the social and emotional aspects of your relationship while addressing generational differences can be challenging—but it can also broaden your perspectives and deepen your appreciation for each other’s life experiences.

Understanding Your Experience

If you’re in an age gap relationship, you may be navigating feelings of uncertainty, excitement, or social judgment. You might notice that friends or family have opinions—sometimes supportive, sometimes not. These emotions and reactions are common. Recognizing your feelings and those of your partner can help you approach the relationship with empathy, clarity, and confidence.

1. Know When the Age Gap May Be Too Large

Love can be unpredictable, and feelings don’t always follow logic. But a significant age gap can sometimes create legal, social, or practical issues—especially if one partner is under the age of 18. In these cases, the relationship may carry legal consequences, no matter how genuine the emotions.

Even if the relationship is legally sound, consider how the age gap might affect its long-term future. If you want children, think about whether fertility is a concern. Lifestyle differences can also be significant. If one partner is just beginning a career while the other is considering retirement, planning for the future together can be more complex.

2. Understand Your Reasons for Dating Across Generations

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older, reflect on your motivations. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating outside your age group, but patterns can offer insight into your relationship style.

Some people seek the stability or experience of an older partner, while others are drawn to the energy and openness of someone younger. If you notice a consistent pattern in your dating history, it can be worth exploring why. Self-awareness can help ensure you’re building connections for the reasons that truly matter to you.

If you’d like to explore these questions with a professional, you can find a therapist in your area who specializes in relationship dynamics.

Once you’ve reflected on your motivations, the next step is preparing for how your backgrounds may influence your perspectives.

3. Be Ready to Navigate Generational Differences

Even in strong relationships, differences in life stage and cultural touchpoints can surface. You and your partner might have grown up with different music, technology, or social norms. Political views, values, and historical events can shape each person’s perspective.

Rather than avoiding these differences, use them as opportunities to learn. Ask about your partner’s experiences and share your own. Generational diversity can enrich your relationship, giving both of you a broader worldview. For more insight, see our guide to family and generational differences.

4. Prepare for Criticism and Outside Opinions

Family, friends, and even strangers may have opinions about your relationship. Some may focus on your partner’s age rather than your shared values and connection. While close loved ones might deserve an explanation, it’s okay to set boundaries with those who offer unsolicited judgments.

Plan a calm, respectful response that reaffirms your commitment without inviting ongoing debate. This can help prevent repeated, draining conversations about the age gap rather than your relationship itself.

5. Avoid Letting Age Define Your Relationship

Age is one factor among many in a relationship. If you focus on it too much—either to justify the relationship or to explain disagreements—it can become a wedge between you. While acknowledging real challenges is important, avoid attributing every difference to age.

Instead, focus on shared values, mutual respect, and the unique qualities you appreciate in each other. Healthy communication and problem-solving skills matter far more than the number of years between you.

When to Seek Professional Support

Age differences can present challenges, but they can also enrich your relationship with new perspectives and experiences. By approaching the relationship with openness, curiosity, and respect, you can create a strong connection that transcends the numbers.

If age-related differences start to feel overwhelming—whether due to family disapproval, conflicting life goals, or concerns about the future—a therapist can help. Working with a mental health professional can provide a safe space to navigate these issues and strengthen your partnership.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has helped people connect with ethical, qualified therapists. If you and your partner want extra support navigating these dynamics, connecting with a qualified therapist who understands the nuances of age gap relationships can make a meaningful difference. Find a therapist near you through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

References:

1. Age Gap Relationships: Are They Really That Bad? (n.d.). EHarmony Advice RSS. Retrieved from http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/age-differences-does-it-really-matter-anymore/

2. Jensen, H. (n.d.). 8 Tips to Handle a Major Age Difference in a Relationship … AllWomensTalk.com. Retrieved from http://love.allwomenstalk.com/tips-to-handle-a-major-age-difference-in-a-relationship

At its most basic definition, self-care is any intentional action taken to meet an individual’s physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional needs. In short, it’s all the little ways we take care of ourselves to avoid a breakdown in those respective areas of health.

You may find that, at certain points, the world and the people in it place greater demands on your time, energy, and emotions than you might feel able to handle. This is precisely why self-care is so important. It is the routine maintenance you need do to function your best not only for others, but also for yourself.

GoodTherapy’s own business and administrative, web development, outreach and advertising, editorial and education, and support teams have compiled a massive list of some of their own personal self-care activities to offer some help for those struggling to come up with their own maintenance plan. Next time you find yourself saying, “I really need to do something for myself,” browse our list and pick something that speaks to you. Be silly, be caring to others, and make your self-care a priority! In most cases, taking care of yourself doesn’t even have to cost anything. And because self-care is as unique as the individual performing it, we’d love to invite you to comment and add any of your own personal self-care activities in the comments section below. Give back to your fellow readers and share some of the little ways you take care of yourself.

Check out our therapists in Seattle, WA or find a city closer to you.

The Web Development Team

Our web development team made up of programmers, web developers, designers, and SEO professionals is all about optimizing the user experience. When they aren’t hard at work making our site function, these are some of the ways they keep themselves functioning:

1. Pick one thing that you need to do and get it done so it’s off your mental “to do” list.
2. Get a manicure or pedicure.
3. Get a massage.
4. Try acupuncture. Read up on it if you’ve never tried it.
5. Get a book from the library (free) or bookstore about some topic you’ve been interested in, but have never taken the time to learn. Afterward, spend a few minutes each day learning about it.
6. Use a planner or a calendar to intentionally schedule “me time.”
7. In the morning, listen to music that inspires and motivates you.
8. Write a list of things you’re grateful to have in your life and post it somewhere you can see it often. We have a tendency to focus on the negative, so remind yourself of the good stuff.
9. Go through your closet and purge the clothes you haven’t worn in years. Donate them to a charitable organization.
10. If you bring your lunch to work, pack a few extra items to share with someone less fortunate on your way or during your lunch break.
11. Share a kind smile with strangers on your way to and from work. Some people may go all day without anyone acknowledging their existence.
12. Start a cycle of encouragement. Tell someone near you what you appreciate about them. They may return the favor when you need it most.
13. If you buy your morning coffee, skip it today and donate the money to a charity of your choosing.
14. Call your mom, dad, or any other family member you care about just to say hi.
15. For fun, dress your pet in a silly costume and take them on tour to make others smile.
16. Learn how to sew. Self-sufficiency may have some other mental health benefits for you as well.
17. Send a completely random care package to someone you love. Who doesn’t love a surprise?
18. Intentionally reestablish contact with someone you’ve lost touch with or have unresolved conflict with. If there is conflict, resolve it and let go of the unnecessary baggage.
19. Try out a form of martial arts. A lot of schools offer a free lesson.
20. Learn how to make a budget and keep track of your money coming in, going out, and know how much money you have right now. If you live paycheck to paycheck, this can be incredibly empowering.
21. Take a moment at the end of each day and consciously list a few good things in your life. This can help refocus your emotions on all the positive things that happen each day, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
22. Turn off your phone and step away from the computer for a whole day.
23. Carry some extra change and feed someone’s meter if you see it running low. Random acts of kindness come back around!
24. Take a few minutes out of your day and a enjoy a funny animal video on YouTube

The Support Team

The support team at GoodTherapy is all about taking care of our members and connecting our visitors with the right therapist. Here, they offer an abundance of their own tips for building your self-care routine:

25. Do something nice for someone and make sure no one can trace it back to you—an incognito act of kindness.
26. Go for a walk by yourself with headphones on, listening to music you love.
27. Prepare a meal, no matter how simple.
28. Create something for no practical purpose such as a song, a poem, an essay, a painting, a drawing, a comic strip, a collage, etc.
29. Start a genuine conversation with someone you care about that covers the following: things that are going well, things you’re having a hard time with, and things you are grateful for.
30. Lay on the floor on your back with your eyes closed for five minutes (or longer) and just breathe.
31. Shower with all the lights off. It forces you to move incredibly slow and it’s so relaxing. Make sure to have safety mats in place so you don’t slip on your way out.
32. Stare at your pet or another animal and seriously contemplate their existence. Do you think they believe they have a higher purpose?
33. Rearrange all of your furniture in a way that makes you more comfortable or just to try something fresh in your living space.
34. Check in with yourself a few times each day and take a moment to process your thoughts and emotions. Don’t let them build up.
35. Swing on a swing set. Too many adults forget how much fun this is.
36. Call your friend or sibling when you know they can’t answer and leave a ridiculously funny made up song as your voicemail. You’ll spread a little laughter while also laughing in the process.
37. Make up a brand new dance move and teach it to someone.
38. Do a five minute meditation on your feet.
39. Carve a couple hours out of your schedule this weekend to enjoy the classic film You Can’t Take it With You.
40. Go out to see a movie at your favorite theater all by yourself.
41. Make brownies and give them away to a neighbor, family member, friend, or someone you know that could use a pick-me-up. Enjoy any leftover batter.
42. Make a piece of artwork—draw, paint, cut and paste, whatever—that someone might interpret as ugly and tell it you love and accept it anyway.
43. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race and bask in the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent of the contestants. Try to channel some of that in your own life when you find yourself needing it.
44. Karaoke, but do it completely sober.
45. Worry less about your bathroom scale or any other appliance that makes you feel bad about yourself.
46. Go to a support group meeting and share.
47. Go to a support group meeting and listen.
48. Listen to a podcast about something that interests you that you haven’t yet explored.
49. Tell your cat all of your darkest, most shameful secrets. His or her nonchalance and snuggles will remind you that you’re okay.
50. Share dorky pictures of yourself from middle school and angsty teenage poetry and drawings with your friends. Ask for your friends to share theirs with you. This is a great way to let go of feelings of shame or any embarrassment you might be holding onto from those awkward years.
51. Roll out a blanket and eat your dinner on the grass at home or in the park. Invite someone else if you’d like company.
52. If you live near them, two words: hot springs. If you don’t live near hot springs, find the one nearest to you and start planning a vacation.
53. Make yourself a gourmet grilled cheese and some tomato soup. Comfort food at the right time or during the right type of weather can be great for boosting your mood.
54. Tell yourself something that resists self-criticism but feels encouraging like, “I’m doing the best that I can.”
55. Taking care of yourself can start with something small! Maybe today you just need to lie down on the couch instead of on your bed for a change of scenery.
56. Write a zine, or a mini-zine, about something you care about, or that you think is interesting. You can make a mini-zine with just one sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper!
57. Write something encouraging on a post-it and put it where you will see it every day! Or write directly on your mirror: “I am beautiful and brave.”
58. Say a magnificent affirmation out loud, like “I am a child of the universe, and I have been given endless talents and capabilities.”
59. Commit to posting mostly or only positive things on your favored social media site for a while. For every sad news item, there’s a related (or unrelated) story of resilience, bravery, and triumph.
60. Write a review of a business you like. Send that positive energy into the universe and share some love for your favorite local places!
61. Do something you used to like to do, whether or not you were or are “good at it.” Remind yourself that you can do something just because you enjoy it, and the only way most people get better at something is practice.
62. Read a book that’s easy and fun. You can give it away to a younger person in your life after if you feel like giving it up.
63. Listen to an album you loved when you were younger but haven’t heard in a long time.
64. Make a playlist or mixtape about your current mood. Give yourself permission to make one that expresses how you feel, or maybe even how you’d like to feel.
65. Congratulate yourself for doing difficult things, even if they might not seem difficult to others. Depending on the individual, plenty of everyday things can be difficult, like riding the bus, standing in line, filing paperwork, going to the doctor, making food, doing chores, etc.
66. Send a postcard to someone far away. Decorate it before sending it.
67. Paint your nails a fun color. Use jewels, glitter, nail stickers, or false nails. If you don’t want to spend money, try to use something you have around the house and see where your creativity leads.
68. Go to a store that sells crystals and buy one that speaks to you. Look up what it means or does. Sometimes they are $1 or less!
69. Reflect on the struggles your ancestors endured so you could exist and remember that you have inherited their strength and resilience.
70. Try to memorize one constellation you don’t already know and find it in the sky tonight.

The Editorial and Education Team

The editorial and education team at GoodTherapy is all about providing high-quality information, whether you’re a casual reader or a seasoned mental health professional. Between publishing articles on the blog, creating directories of information like PsychPedia, and hosting continuing education events for our therapist members, this is how they take care of themselves:

71. Set your camera to macro and take close-up pictures of bugs, flowers, and anything else that catches your eye outside your home or in a public space.
72. Select a lesser-known book by one of your favorite writers and dive into the pages.
73. Use a site like meetup.com, find something you’re interested in, and commit to attending at least one meeting.
74. Hand write a letter to a friend or relative and start a conversation the old-fashioned way.
75. Learn a new board game you’ve never played such as chess, backgammon, or othello.
76. If you play guitar, try learning a song from a genre you don’t typically listen to.
77. Find a spot in a busy place such as downtown, a bus station, or a mall and sit in silence with nowhere to be.
78. Read a religious text you aren’t familiar with.
79. Build something spectacular with Legos, either from a kit or from your imagination.
80. Dedicate a day to learning more about the local history where you live.
81. Take an Epsom salt bath in total darkness and silence, or perhaps with just a candle or two.
82. Bring a little cheer to your local animal shelter. Pet the kitties and walk a dog. You don’t necessarily have to take one home with you.
83. Go for a walk around the neighborhood, or hike a local trail you’ve never been on.
84. Cook a healthy and delicious meal using fresh ingredients you rarely splurge on.
85. Plant something—a tree, a small vegetable garden, a flower.
86. Sing! Turn up your favorite sing-along tunes and channel Etta James, Eminem, Eddie Vedder, or whoever moves you.
87. If you live near a body of water and have access, go kayaking or canoeing. Bring a buddy, and wear a life vest.
88. Go to a local gym or park and shoot some hoops, even if basketball isn’t really your thing; don’t worry about being “good” at it.
89. Get that trendy or fashionable haircut you’ve been thinking about but always talk yourself out of.
90. Finish this sentence: “I love myself because I ______________.” Do this once per day, with a new ending each time.
91. Watch a couple episodes of a feel-good sitcom for a few giggles. Have an exit strategy so you don’t get sucked into an all-day marathon and feel guilty for it.
92. When you wake up in the morning, get in the habit of making your first thought a positive one: “I am ready for today.” “Today is a new opportunity.” “I will do something I am proud of today.”
93. Touch nature every single day. Hug a tree, pick a flower, or run your fingers through some grass.

The Outreach and Advertising Team

Our outreach and advertising team fulfills the traditional role of marketing and then some. They help our company establish and foster relationships while leveraging technology to provide unique advertising opportunities online. They offered these activities for the next time you need some “you” time:

94. Pilates!
95. Cut some fresh flowers and display them prominently to lift your spirit.
96. Take a nap on the next Saturday you find yourself with an extra hour or two.
97. Treat yourself to a tasty meal at a fancy restaurant because you’ve earned it.
98. Learn the basics of a new language.
99. Attend a local high school sporting event and remember what sports are like when nobody is getting paid to play them.
100. Go to a comedy club. Laughter really is the best medicine.
101. On a clear night, find a safe and secluded spot away from the lights of the city, grab a blanket, stare up at the stars, and let your mind wander from big to small thoughts.
102. Go for a bike ride or a drive to nowhere in particular.
103. Attend a local music performance. Many small clubs, restaurants, and coffee shops have free admission for some shows.
104. Listen to a chapter or two from an audiobook.
105. Allow yourself to sleep in a couple of extra hours this weekend; errands and chores can wait!
106. Instead of always going to the tried-and-true, try a new restaurant this week. You might discover a new go-to.
107. Next time you’re getting lunch, buy lunch for the person behind you in line. Say you’re “paying it forward” and walk away with a smile on your face.
108. Book a night at a hotel outside of town, somewhere you’ve never spent much time. Explore the scene and enjoy the sights.
109. Go wine tasting. It’s an inexpensive way to sample a variety of local wines you might not be able to find in stores.
110. Learn Photoshop, Excel, or some other program you’ve been wanting to learn. There are many online tutorials.
111. Take your mom, dad, or another family member to lunch. You’ll be glad you did.
112. Write a limerick or a haiku!
113. Drink more water. The benefits are endless.
114. Write positive affirmations or inspirational quotes on small pieces of paper, then go to a bookstore and hide them in random books for strangers to find.
115. Try to find somewhere you can skip rocks on water.

The Business and Administrative Team

The business and administrative team ensures the wheels of GoodTherapy spin smoothly. They keep us growing, improving, and constantly reaching new therapists and readers that help make our mission and vision a reality. When they need to practice a little self-care, here’s what they do:

116. Make an inspiration collage and hang it where you can see it. Use it to help generate new ideas and thoughts when you need them.
117. Ask for help when you need it. It sounds simple, but trying to handle everything without help causes stress and anxiety for a lot people.
118. Take five to 10 minutes before bed to focus on what’s going on inside. Notice any parts of you that don’t feel relaxed. Invite them closer, listen to them, pay close attention and discover what their worries, fears, concerns, or other feelings are. Witness each part. Once all parts have relaxed, confirm with yourself that everything’s going to be all right and fall blissfully into sweet dreams.
119. If you want cuddles or a massage or quality time or whatever from your partner, ask for it! Sometimes the easiest way to get your needs met is to voice your needs in the first place.
120. Start a blog and write absolutely anything. You never know how your words might touch or hook people from all over the world!
121. Join a forum like Reddit or another place to talk about things you like.
122. Spend an hour this weekend at a soup kitchen or other volunteer opportunity.
123. Find a shop with tea, chocolate, or spices and enjoy the free smells for a while.
124. Go to an antique shop and marvel at all the history represented there. Make up stories about the objects’ pasts and the people they belonged to.
125. Go camping or backpacking and spend some time truly immersed in nature.
126. Go dancing and forget about any shame or regret. Even if you think you look like a fool, get out there and get moving.
127. We all get busy, but make it a point to make a date night with your significant other.
128. Stay in this weekend and host a family movie night.
129. Try something different with your coworkers and do standing meetings this week at work.
130. Try journaling if you’ve never tried it before. There are a lot of different ways to do it and lot of resources available to help you get started.
131. Learn how to tactfully say no to invitations or requests at times when you already feel overwhelmed.
132. Have a glass (or two) of red wine. Other than temporary stress relief, there are some great health benefits as long as you don’t overdo it.
133. Take a bubble bath with a good book.
134. Use the internet for its intended purpose and look up cat .gifs.

Need More than Self-Care to Get Back on Track?

Self-care, in many ways, is about prevention. It’s a way to make sure you stay strong and resilient when a crisis or other major life event occurs. However, sometimes you need more than a few self-care activities to feel centered again. If you find yourself experiencing emotions or a bad mood that seem to persist and negatively affect your life, consider finding a therapist or other qualified mental health professional. Sometimes examining these conditions in a safe, non-judgmental environment can help you understand what you’re experiencing better, help you build healthy strategies to cope with them, and help you build a self-care plan that works best for you.

From all of us at GoodTherapy, we’re wishing you the best!

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, as many as one in five Americans will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. Of the nearly 60 million Americans who experience mental health concerns each year, many will never seek treatment for a variety of reasons including social stigma, cultural norms, and lack of access. In fact, a recent report published in the journal Psychological Science and the Public Interest found that an estimated 40% of individuals with serious mental health concerns either never receive care or start an intervention program without completing it.

The stigma surrounding mental health issues can be a significant barrier to care. Unfortunately, many people unknowingly contribute to the stigma simply with their everyday language choices. A poor choice of words not only stigmatizes, stereotypes, and creates unrealistic assumptions about certain people, but also can trivialize serious mental health conditions and their accompanying experiences.

While society tends to tread lightly around language concerning disabilities, race, or religion, it seems that we do not apply the same sensitivity to language involving mental health. For example, while you might be a little taken aback by someone who uses the word “retarded” to refer to a poor decision, you likely wouldn’t think twice about someone calling a peculiar behavior “crazy” or saying out loud that someone’s “OCD” is the cause for an orderly office.

Help Us Erode Stigma during Mental Health Awareness Month

With May designated as Mental Health Awareness Month in the United States, we would like to encourage you to think twice about the language you use and how it may affect those one in five people who may be your neighbors, coworkers, and friends who experience mental health issues.[fat_widget_right]

Show respect and consideration for those experiencing mental health conditions by avoiding these common stigmatizing phrases we hear in our daily conversations:

‘I’m So OCD.’

All too often people say “I’m so OCD” when referring to simple habits they may have regarding organization, such as arranging books a certain way on a bookshelf or keeping one’s own environment immaculately clean. True obsessions and compulsions can be quite debilitating, involving persistent, unwanted thoughts, rituals, and behaviors, all of which are out of a person’s control.

As many as 27% of people experience some form of obsessive-compulsive behavior. By using the term to describe tidiness, we popularize the experience and make it appear less severe than it actually can be. Next time you find yourself tempted to say someone else is being OCD or claim it as an explanation for your own behavior, consider how you might more accurately share your observation or insight.

‘I Can’t Focus; It’s My ADD.’

It’s not uncommon to hear people refer to themselves as ADHD or ADD when they are inattentive or easily distracted. Today’s high-tech world seems to be characterized by ever-shrinking attention spans, and it seems that people are always fiddling with their smart phones and jumping from one topic to another. However, this is not the same thing as attention-deficit hyperactivity.

Though these types of behaviors may be related to a lack of focus, an actual diagnosis of ADHD is far more complex.

People might casually refer to distracted behavior as ADHD or even go as far as to say that they’re ADHD when channel surfing or changing the radio station before a song finishes. Though these types of behaviors may be related to a lack of focus, an actual diagnosis of ADHD is far more complex and has less to do with boredom and more to do with genetics, neurotransmitters, and electrical activity in the brain. In fact, a major distinguishing characteristic of ADHD is impulsivity, which probably isn’t present in most cases where people erroneously claim ADHD as the source of their inattention.

‘My Ex Is Such a Psycho.’

At some point, you’ve probably heard someone refer to a past lover (or friend, or roommate) as a psycho. People typically use this phrase to refer to someone engaging in erratic or irrational behavior, which in reality is far from psychotic.

Psychosis is a serious mental health condition by which a person loses contact with reality and may experience hallucinations and delusions. An estimated 3% of people experience psychosis, which makes it far less prevalent than the many people who claim to have psychotic past lovers might indicate. Try not to downplay the seriousness of this condition by using the term frivolously.

‘The Weather Is So Bipolar Today.’

Sure, it may snow in the morning, warm up for an hour, and then snow again all afternoon, but it is impossible for the weather to literally be bipolar. Likewise, it’s highly unlikely that your friend having a few ups and downs today is actually experiencing the often debilitating symptoms of bipolar. Using the term bipolar in these contexts misrepresents the experience and can minimize the condition.

A person experiencing bipolar is likely to experience serious shifts in mood that may range from dangerously euphoric to suicidal. These drastic changes can seriously hinder one’s life if left untreated. Instead of using the term bipolar, consider describing the weather as unstable or unpredictable, and referring to your friend as being in a bad mood or having a hard time.

‘This Makes Me Want to Kill Myself.’

You fail your math exam and you exclaim in frustration, “I just want to die.” Or something else mildly unfortunate happens and you casually say, “This makes me want to kill myself.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States with almost 40,000 Americans dying from suicide each year. People who commit or attempt suicide do not necessarily want to die; rather, they may want to be free of pain.

If you find yourself upset with your circumstances and wanting to express your frustrations, be mindful of your word choice in this matter. It’s very likely someone in your vicinity has been touched by suicide in some way.

‘Stop Being So Paranoid.’

Paranoia is a symptom of many mental health conditions and can be detrimental to a person’s life. True paranoia can cause people to have serious trust issues and unwarranted fear and anxiety, as well as feelings of persecution and exaggerated self-importance.

When you find a friend may be worrying too much or over-analyzing something, avoid using the term paranoid and replace it with other descriptive words such as mistrusting or fearful.

‘I’m So Addicted.’

You might find yourself saying something like, “I’m so addicted to this TV show” to mean that you really enjoy it. But most likely, you are not truly addicted to it. Addiction is a serious mental health issue that can destroy lives, both of the person addicted and that person’s loved ones.

There’s a considerable difference between appreciating or enjoying something and being addicted to it. Be mindful of this distinction when you speak.

Although more than 23 million Americans experience some form of substance abuse, up to 40 million additional Americans are indirectly affected by it. These numbers do not account for non-substance addictions such as gambling, spending, or sex addiction.

There’s a considerable difference between appreciating or enjoying something and being addicted to it. A person experiencing addiction may want to stop engaging in an addictive behavior, but may feel unable to do so regardless of its continued negative consequences. Be mindful of this distinction when you speak, so as not to disparage the serious problems addiction can cause.

‘That’s Crazy/Insane/Mad/Nuts.’

It’s becoming far too common to use the word crazy and related synonyms lightly. People may think that using these terms to describe behavior that seems odd, eccentric, or strange is harmless, but it can be damaging to the self-esteem of those experiencing real mental health conditions.

The stigma alone is enough to make people feel isolated, keep them from seeking the treatment they truly need, or cause them to completely deny their symptoms altogether. But these terms, often used in a manner that belittles those who actually experience mental health issues, reinforce the dangerous stigma of mental health issues by painting them in a derogatory way.

Words Have Power; Think Before You Speak

Avoiding stigmatizing terms and phrases that cause shame, minimize experiences, and misrepresent reality can help eliminate a major obstacle to treatment. It’s not simply about being politically correct, requiring that you tiptoe around your words; the point is to simply stop and think about what you say and be mindful of how your choice of words may affect others.

If you would like to learn more about how you can raise awareness of mental health conditions and help remove stigma, check out our blog this month or visit Mental Health America for more information and resources about Mental Health Awareness Month.

References:

1. Corrigan, Patrick. (September 4, 2014). Stigma as a Barrier to Mental Health Care. Association for Psychological Science. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/stigma-as-a-barrier-to-mental-health-carhtml
2. Mental Health America. May is Mental Health Month. Retrieved from: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/may
3. Mental Health America. Mental Health Information. Retrieved from: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/mental-health-information
4. Schumaker, Erin. (April 17, 2015). It’s Time To Stop Using These Phrases When It Comes to Mental Illness. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/17/mental-illness-vocabulary_n_7078984.html

Recent statistics show that the average couple experiencing difficulty waits six years to seek therapy, which may be too late for some couples, as 40 to 50% of marriages across the United States end in divorce. Some couples opt for marriage retreats in which a couple engages in intensive therapy over several days with the aim of reaching resolution and repair. Although they are often viewed as a “last chance” to save a marriage, marriage retreats are also attended by couples who are not facing conflict but simply wish to deepen the intimacy in their relationship.

On a retreat, couples can get away from their daily routines while attending therapy sessions that focus on their combined strengths and difficulties. The concept of the marriage retreat is depicted in a number of feature films that conflicted couples taking a break from their lives, either on a therapist-prescribed retreat or a more typical getaway, in an attempt to save their marriages. Unfortunately, media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

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How Does Hollywood Get It Wrong?

In film, marriage retreats are typically presented as lighthearted fun, potentially misleading viewers about the true nature of a marriage retreat. In an article for ABC News, Debra Margrave, who runs Sedona Soul Adventures with her husband, says that the goal of their marriage retreat is bringing people together, and that the “crazy stuff” in Hollywood movies is more comedic than factual. Cinematic portrayals of both the couples and the retreat itself are often idealized, made humorous, and belie the amount of real work necessary in couples therapy. Though infidelity and intimacy issues affect the fictional characters, and they seem able to reach forgiveness or move past the problems, the underlying causes are rarely addressed, meaning any progress made is likely only a temporary reprieve.

In reality, marital issues can often lead to mental health concerns, such as stress, anxiety, or depression. Although the 2012 romantic comedy Hope Springs shows a couple with intimacy issues who, through therapy, is able to repair their relationship after several failed efforts, most films, such as For Richer or Poorer (1997) and Why Did I Get Married (2007), emphasize the outrageousness or comedic value of a couple’s difficulties instead of focusing on the more realistic aspects of marital conflict that a couple in counseling is likely to face.

Media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

Communication issues affect many couples, and one of the goals of a retreat may be the exploration of better ways for a couple to reach one another. Because a marriage retreat places partners in a situation where they can focus solely on improving their relationship, couples may more easily work on developing better communication skills. In films, though, the couples featured often achieve insight by speaking to outsiders, or they spend time talking to friends about their partnerships and engaging in activities where the focus is not on building communication with partners.

When building and enhancing communication skills does not occur, any progress that a couple makes in their relationship is likely to be superficial rather than a lasting improvement. Take the films Why Did I Get Married and its sequel, Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), for example. Both films feature four couples attempting to work on their marital issues during a self-designed week-long retreat. They spend much of their time arguing, but at the end of each film, three out of four couples have resolved their issues and made up. The reparation of these marriages, shown to be troubled from the beginning of each film, seems to have occurred more from spontaneous revelations and apologies rather than actual communication and resolution. Couples who admit wrongs and apologize can resolve some difficulties by doing so, but those who experience the same types of conflict repeatedly may benefit from some sort of marital counseling.

Trustworthy Therapy Tactics Important

Richard Simon, editor of The Psychotherapy Networker, says in a New York Times article that couples therapy is widely acknowledged as one of the most difficult types of therapy. Therapy on a retreat may be even more difficult, as therapists generally do not have a prior relationship with the couples. Instead, therapists must discover areas of conflict and assist the couples through individual or group therapy, or both, to rebuild a strong relationship in only a short period of time. Therefore, a good therapist may be the most important component of a successful marriage retreat, but therapists depicted on screen are often not shown as realistic or entirely ethical.

The lead therapist in Couples Retreat is not completely honest about the true purpose of the resort the four couples in the movie visit, for example, and he forces three of the couples to attend therapy when they did not originally wish to. The 2014 film The One I Love also features an unethical therapist who traps couples repeatedly in a bizarre situation in an attempt to force them to work out their issues. Although this movie has a science fiction element and would likely not be considered to be realistic by many viewers, the portrayal of an unethical therapist might still lead some to be reluctant to seek marriage counseling or venture on a marriage retreat.

Marriage Retreats Not Necessarily Glamorous, Expensive

Marriage retreats may be appealing in part because they offer a change of scenery, bringing a new perspective with a new environment, but couples who cannot afford a trip to a mountain cabin, the Sedona desert, or a tropical island—the setting for Couples Retreat—might just as easily discuss factors affecting their partnership in a motel conference room or some similarly simple setting. Granted, a conference room does not offer the allure of a tropical island, but without distracting activities such as swimming with sharks, as the characters in Couples Retreat do, couples are free to focus on a faltering partnership.

A number of films depict partners who do not go on a formal retreat, but rather, find themselves in an unlikely situation that allows them to work on and save their marriage. For example, Wanderlust, a 2012 film, tells the story of a couple who is able to repair their troubled marriage after a two-week stay at a free love commune. And in For Richer or Poorer, a couple successfully saves their marriage after a short time living a simpler life in Amish country. These couples repair their marriages simply by rediscovering feelings of love for their respective partners. While some real couples may be able to repair their marriages in such a manner, the reality of marriage counseling is that it often takes time and hard work, which may be difficult or painful for one or both partners.

Although a marriage retreat might be beneficial to couples of any socioeconomic status, the majority of couples seen attempting marriage retreats in the media are all relatively affluent. Because films that show positive resolutions of marital difficulties may inspire some to attend therapy in hopes of resolving their own difficulties, better representation of a wider range of society is needed. Research shows that low income is a factor in many divorces, so the portrayal of high-income couples in the media may be both limiting and unrealistic.

There is also a general lack of diversity in Hollywood’s depiction of marriage retreats. White characters are prominent (though Why Did I Get Married? and its sequel have a black cast), and there is a clear tendency toward heteronormative relationships. Although in recent years, the number of non-heterosexual couples in the media has increased, the couples featured in films showing marriage retreats are heterosexual, which might give an impression of ignoring the existence of a significant portion of the population. Non-heterosexual couples are likely to face the same issues that heterosexual couples do, and their absence in the media contributes to the unrealistic portrayal of marriage retreats. What’s more, there is little variety in body type shown, a recurring area of concern in Hollywood films.

Can A Marriage Retreat Save Your Marriage?

Hollywood films appear to give the message that marriages can be fixed in a weekend, but this is often not the case. Marriage retreats seen in the media may seem fun, more like a vacation than counseling, but the truth is that a couples retreat, like couples counseling, can be intense and tough. Couples may find themselves facing confessions of infidelity, fading feelings, and other harsh truths. They may be able to resolve issues by building communication skills or by exploring ways to rekindle physical and emotional intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman of Orcas Island, Washington, state that couples will learn skills to “transform inevitable relationship conflicts into constructive problem solving and warmer understanding” on their two-day retreat. Some couples might achieve a different kind of clarity on the retreat and realize that their relationship may be best ended. No matter the case, retreats can be helpful to couples, both as a starting point to therapy and as a supplement to marital counseling.

Those considering a marriage retreat may wish to research the retreat itself, as well as the therapist conducting it. A marital counselor may also be able to recommend a retreat to an interested couple. The goals of any retreat and the services that are included, such as the amount of counseling hours provided as well as the type and length of sessions, should be clearly stated. Different types of retreats, with varying costs, are available to those who are interested: They might even be found close to one’s home. A trust-building exercise on jet-skis may seem like a fun activity, but it is not a realistic one for many couples. While a marriage retreat can still be enjoyable, it will often also be intense work that provides a basis for more work in the future.

References:

1. Gottman Private Couples Retreats. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.gottmancouplesretreats.com/default.aspx.
2. Hawkins, A., & Fackrell, T. (2009). How common is divorce and what are the reasons? In Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? Salt Lake City, Utah.
3. Mayerowitz, S. (2009, October 9). Couples Retreat: Movie vs. Reality, Meet the Real Relationship Experts. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/couples-retreat-movie-reality-meet-real-relationship-experts/story?id=8785604.
4. Miller, A. (2013). Can this marriage be saved? Monitor on Psychology, 44(4), 42-42.
5. Weil, E. (2012, March 2). Does Couples Therapy Work? Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?_r=0.

Films that depict mental health issues often do well at the box office. Some of them, such as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, go on to win Oscars and become classics. Many people have an interest in films about mental health because they shed light on conditions that many may not understand. Across genres, audiences have been captivated by films with underlying mental health themes ranging from schizophrenia to codependency to psychosis.

Although they may be earnest in their depiction, it is important to note that not every movie that addresses mental health is accurate when it comes to the portrayal of mental health characteristics, and mental health symptoms can vary from person to person. If a movie with a mental health theme piques your curiosity, you can visit GoodTherapy.org’s PsychPedia to learn more about specific conditions.

Here are some examples of mainstream fictional films depicting a range of mental health conditions you can watch for information, entertainment, and intrigue.

1. Shutter Island (2010) (Posttraumatic Stress, Psychosis)

If intense psychological thrillers are what you seek, Shutter Island is a movie you may want to watch. It will leave you wondering if Teddy Daniels—the main character played by Leonardo DiCaprio—is really experiencing delusions.

U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels and his partner head to a psychiatric hospital located on an island to determine what happened to a missing patient. Not long after showing up, bizarre occurrences happen and it would seem that the supposed U.S. marshal turns out to be Andrew Laeddis—the facility’s most dangerous patient. His therapist, who is well aware of Teddy’s delusions, prompts him to act out his delusion, hoping that the delusion will break so he can face reality.

But a painful reality may be easier to run from than face and accept. It would seem as if Teddy agrees and at the end of the movie he asks an interesting question: “This place makes me wonder which would be worse—to live as a monster, or to die as a good man?”

According to many who interpret this question, Teddy is aware that if he accepts his guilt of the horrific tragedy that happened to his family, he will be forced to live with the pain. On the other hand, if he continues to live in his delusion, he can live and eventually die unaware of the crimes he committed.

2. The Soloist (2009) (Schizophrenia)

The Soloist is a movie that looks at the life of a person experiencing schizophrenia. The movie is based on the true story of Nathanial Ayers, a promising student at the prestigious Julliard School who experiences a mental breakdown during his third year at Julliard. Perhaps the pressure was too much, or maybe he had been experiencing mild symptoms until they became severe enough to cause a disruption in his life.

For various reasons, including his refusal to take medication for schizophrenia, Nathanial becomes homeless. Steve Lopez, a journalist, meets Nathanial in Los Angeles and the two become friends. Lopez, upon discovering that Nathanial can play the cello brilliantly, sets out on a mission to help him with his mental health.

The Soloist demonstrates how untreated mental health challenges can contribute to a person slipping through society’s cracks. It also depicts how reaching out can have a profound impact on the life of someone experiencing a mental health issue.

3. Prozac Nation (2001) (Depression, Substance Abuse)

[fat_widget_right] Sex, drugs, and rock and roll may have been an “escape” back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, but the reality is that many people seeking these escapes may be dealing with underlying issues. Prozac Nation furnishes watchers with a deep look at the world of those experiencing depression and substance abuse.

The movie follows Lizzie (portrayed by Christina Ricci) as she tries to overcome severe depression without medication. She instead tries to treat herself using drugs, sex, self-mutilation, and escapism. She balks at reality and tries to commit suicide, severs relationships with her family, treats others around her in an abhorrent way, and seems to have no hope until she is put on a new medication called Prozac. This movie sheds some light on how antidepressants can help some people dampen the symptoms of severe depression and seek treatment.

4. The Hours (2002) (Depression)

This movie about mental health examines the lives of three women who are coping with depression. The story depicts three generations of women throughout various stages in their lives.

Depression impacts each of the protagonists in the film. Author Virginia Woolf is writing the story of Mrs Dalloway in 1923, while grappling with depression, suicidal ideation, and her sexual orientation; a young mother in 1951 struggles with reservations about her role in her family, her sexuality, and suicidal ideation; and Clarissa Vaughan, a publisher, questions her role in the lives of her loved ones in 2001. This film illustrates the weight of depression and introduces the question, “Is it better to live life based upon doing what you want in order to be happy, or on others’ expectations?”

5. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) (Antisocial Personality)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is a classic film about mental health and psychiatry, based on the novel of the same name by Ken Kesey. Jack Nicholson plays R.P. McMurphy, who is in a mental institution after committing a crime.

The movie paints a picture of how in the not so distant past mental health institutions were sometimes operated inhumanely. Its scenes of electroshock therapy and lobotomies were once considered normal paths to recovery for many people experiencing mental concerns. The film emphasizes that people with mental health diagnoses are human and ought to be treated with dignity.

6. Ordinary People (1980) (Depression)

In this mental health film starring Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore, you meet a family coping with grief after the death of one of the sons. The living son cannot bear the loss and tries to commit suicide. The family begins treatment for him and an emotional journey for the whole family ensues.

This film explains how grief manifests in different ways. The boy is stigmatized at school, and family life is hectic and tense at times. Ordinary People gives viewers insight into how tragedy can cause disruptions in regard to both mental health and family dynamics.

7. Girl, Interrupted (1999) (Borderline Personality)

Girl, Interrupted, starring Winona Ryder, is set in 1967 and tells the story of Susanna, an 18-year-old woman who is experiencing feelings of depression and has many unanswered, self-reflective questions. After a suicide attempt, she is sent to a psychiatric institution to receive the help her parents feel she needs. Reluctantly, she goes and meets other women who have their own mental health issues they are living with. Once she is there for a period of time, she is given the diagnosis of borderline personality and struggles to accept it.

Learn More about Mental Health

These films and others give us glimpses into other people’s experiences, thoughts, and behaviors and invite us to expand our awareness when it come to mental health issues. If you wish to understand a mental health condition that you or a loved one are experiencing, you can always seek the help of a qualified therapist. Therapy can help you cope with unwanted symptoms and take steps toward creating a happier, healthier life. Mental health concerns can be detrimental to your well-being, but they do not define you as a person and there is help available in your community.