We all carry stories, internal messages about who we are, what we deserve, and what’s possible for us. Many of these beliefs were formed long before we had the language to challenge them. They were shaped by early experiences, family patterns, cultural expectations, and sometimes, trauma.

These stories become core beliefs, deep, automatic assumptions that influence how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Some core beliefs empower us. Others limit us. But regardless of their origin, they significantly affect our emotional health, relationships, and ability to respond to life’s challenges.

This article explores how core beliefs develop, how they impact well-being, and how five resilience-building principles can help individuals identify, challenge, and rewrite these deeply rooted narratives.

What Are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are foundational thoughts that guide how we interpret situations and respond to stress. They can be conscious or unconscious, helpful or harmful. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that these deeply held assumptions significantly influence our emotional responses and behavioral patterns.

Common limiting core beliefs may include:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “If I fail, I am a failure.”
• “People always leave.”
• “It’s not safe to show emotion.”
• “I have to put everyone else’s needs before mine.”

Often, these beliefs originate from environments where emotional needs were unmet, where survival, shame, or silence took priority over affirmation, safety, and expression. While these beliefs may have once been protective, they often become barriers in adulthood.

How Core Beliefs Affect Mental Health

Negative or rigid core beliefs can silently sabotage well-being by shaping behaviors, decisions, and interpretations of events. They show up in ways like:

• Anxiety: “I have to stay in control or something bad will happen.”
• Depression: “I’m unlovable. Nothing will ever get better.”
• Relationship struggles: “If I let people get close, I’ll get hurt.”
• Burnout: “My worth is based on how much I do for others.”
• Avoidance: “It’s better to be alone than risk being rejected.”

These beliefs distort reality and often go unchallenged. But they can be rewritten, through intentional self-reflection, connection, and growth. Core beliefs research demonstrates that identifying and modifying these deep-seated assumptions is crucial for therapeutic success.

Using the 5 Resilience Principles to Shift Core Beliefs

1. Self-Awareness & Emotional Regulation

“Name it to tame it.”

The first step is recognizing when a core belief is at play. Heightened emotions, shame, fear, rage, hopelessness, often signal an internal story is activated.

Ask:

• “What am I telling myself right now?”
• “Is this belief true, or just familiar?”
• “Where did I learn this, and is it still serving me?”

Practices like deep breathing, journaling, or mindful pauses help bring space between emotion and reaction. When we understand the “why” behind our emotional patterns, we create space for more empowered responses.

Self-regulation is fundamental to building emotional resilience and breaking free from automatic patterns that no longer serve us.

 Take Action: Start a daily emotion check-in. Set a phone reminder for three times daily and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” and “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” This simple practice builds the self-awareness needed to recognize core beliefs in action.

2. Adaptive Thinking & Problem-Solving

“Challenge the thought. Change the outcome.”

Once aware of a limiting belief, explore alternatives:

• “Is there evidence this belief isn’t entirely true?”
• “Have I ever experienced something that contradicts it?”
• “What would a more balanced or compassionate belief sound like?”

For example, “I always mess up” might shift to “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning and growing.”

This process, often called cognitive restructuring, replaces harsh inner narratives with more realistic, supportive ones. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) specifically focuses on identifying and reshaping these core beliefs that drive emotional distress.

📝 Try This Exercise: Choose one limiting belief you’ve identified about yourself. Write it at the top of a page, then create three columns: “Evidence For,” “Evidence Against,” and “Balanced Alternative.” Spend 10 minutes filling out each column. Often, you’ll discover the evidence against far outweighs the evidence for your limiting belief.

3. Connection & Support Systems

“You don’t have to do this alone.”

Many limiting beliefs are born in isolation or invalidation. Healing often happens in relationships that feel emotionally safe.

• Sharing vulnerably with a trusted friend
• Participating in support groups or community spaces
• Working with a therapist or mentor
• Being around people who reflect back your value and worth

Relational connection helps counter the belief that we are unworthy, alone, or “too much.” It reinforces that healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens when we are seen, heard, and accepted.

Building resilience through connection is one of the most powerful ways to challenge beliefs rooted in early experiences of disconnection or trauma.

Connection Challenge: This week, reach out to one person who makes you feel valued and accepted. Share something vulnerable, perhaps a struggle you’re facing or a belief you’re questioning. Notice how being truly seen and supported challenges any beliefs about being “too much” or unworthy of care.

4. Health Routines & Self-Care

“Your habits reflect your beliefs.”

Daily habits often mirror our deepest assumptions. If rest feels indulgent, perhaps there’s a belief that “my worth depends on productivity.” If boundaries feel selfish, perhaps the message is “my needs don’t matter.”

Rewriting core beliefs isn’t just mental, it’s behavioral. Every time we:

• Rest when tired
• Say no to something overwhelming
• Eat nourishing food
• Move our bodies kindly
• Seek joy without guilt

…we send a new message to our nervous system and inner world: “I matter. I am enough. I am allowed to take care of myself.”

Over time, these small acts rewire old scripts and build a foundation of sustainable well-being. Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in recognizing and responding to our authentic needs.

Weekly Self-Care Audit: Each Sunday, review the past week and identify three moments when you honored your needs (or could have). Ask: “What belief drove my choice to care for myself or neglect myself?” Then plan one specific self-care action for the coming week that challenges any limiting beliefs about your worthiness.

5. Purpose, Meaning & Future Vision

“You are not your past. You are what you choose to believe next.”

Core beliefs are not destiny, they’re stories. And stories can be edited.

Begin asking:

• “What kind of person do I want to become?”
• “What beliefs would support that version of me?”
• “What actions can I take today to live into that new belief?”

If the goal is to believe “I am capable,” consider trying something new, even if small. If the desired belief is “I’m worthy of love,” start with allowing someone to care for you or asking for what you need.

Each step moves you closer to a new narrative, one rooted in truth rather than fear or survival. Values clarification can be particularly helpful in identifying what truly matters to you beyond old belief systems.

Future Self Visualization: Spend 15 minutes writing about the person you want to become in one year. What would they believe about themselves? How would they treat themselves and others? What actions would they take daily? Then identify one small action you can take today that aligns with this future version of yourself.

The Science Behind Core Belief Change

Recent advances in cognitive behavioral therapy research have shown that core beliefs can be effectively modified through structured therapeutic interventions. Studies demonstrate that when individuals learn to identify and challenge their automatic thoughts and underlying beliefs, they experience significant improvements in mood, anxiety, and overall psychological well-being.

The key is understanding that these beliefs, while deeply rooted, are not fixed. They developed through experience and can be changed through new experiences, insights, and intentional practice.

Your Beliefs Can Change, And So Can You

No one chooses the messages they’re given as a child. But every person has the power to choose which beliefs they carry into the future.

Core beliefs are powerful, but not permanent. With awareness, support, and consistent action, you can shift the internal script from one of limitation to one of possibility.

Start by noticing. Then by challenging. Then by choosing something new.

And remember: rewriting the story doesn’t mean the old story didn’t matter, it means you’ve decided you matter more.

Ready to Transform Your Core Beliefs? If you’re feeling overwhelmed by limiting beliefs or want professional guidance in rewriting your inner narrative, consider working with a qualified therapist. Find a therapist near you who specializes in cognitive approaches and core belief work. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

Key Takeaways

• Core beliefs are changeable: Despite their deep roots, these fundamental assumptions can be identified and modified with the right approach
• Emotional regulation is foundational: Learning to recognize when beliefs are activated creates space for conscious choice
• Connection accelerates healing: Supportive relationships provide the safety needed to challenge long-held assumptions
• Small actions create big changes: Daily habits that align with new beliefs gradually rewire old patterns
• Professional support helps: Therapists trained in cognitive approaches can guide the process of core belief transformation

If you’re struggling with limiting core beliefs that impact your daily life, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional. Finding good therapy that focuses on your individual needs can provide the support and tools necessary for lasting change.

📞 Take the Next Step: Ready to work with a professional? Visit GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory to find qualified mental health professionals in your area who specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, core belief work, and resilience building. Many offer initial consultations to help you find the right fit.

Have you ever come across someone who complains all the time? Have you ever spent time with such a person? Have you observed that spending time with a pessimistic person makes you feel dull too? Have you felt the negative energy emanating from such people? On the other hand, you may have noticed that being in the company of someone who laughs a lot can make you feel lighter and happier about your own life.

There you have it.

If you can feel dull or cheerful just by spending time with certain people, what does this tell you? It means that people emit energy, both positive and negative. These energies can be contagious, and they envelop everyone around them. Having said that, I would like you to think over a simple question: Is life colorful, or do you make it colorful?

Have you observed that spending time with a pessimistic person makes you feel dull too?

Even for people with similar life circumstances, happiness levels can vary: some people look happy while some don’t. This concept can help answer the question above. Life is what you make it. It is colorful if that’s how you look at it, and it is dull from other perspectives.

Colors of Life

As we grow older, we start learning about new colors of life, both bright and dark. These are the colors of love, happiness, joy, excitement, surprise, pain, sadness, disappointment, stress, and so on.

There is no one in this world who is entirely happy. Everyone has struggles of their own. Some people struggle with work, others struggle with relationships. Struggles never end, whether we’re talking about health, money, or about people. However, it is all up to you how you handle them. It is up to you whether you let them have better of you, or whether you overturn them in your favor.

Two Sides of a Coin

Life is colorful if you look for colors. Like a coin has two sides, every situation in life has at least two perspectives as well. If you look for colors in everything, you will be able to look at a tough situation in a positive light, whereas if you have your eyes blindfolded, you may find it difficult to see any positivity.

How to Achieve a Positive Outlook

Lives of optimistic people tend to be more colorful. If you feel like your heart wants to see the bright side of life but you are having a hard time practicing positivity, there are certain things that can help you achieve a positive outlook in life.

Acknowledge Your Achievements

Instead of looking at how difficult achieving your goal is, look at how far you have come. Look back and see where you started and where you are standing today. Acknowledging your achievements can give you enough motivation to keep going. Don’t rely on anybody to remind you of your achievements; do yourself that favor!

Be Grateful

Instead of complaining about the things that you don’t have, remember to be grateful for everything that you have. Don’t complain about not having the dream car; be grateful about the car that you managed to get on your own. Don’t complain about not having a fancy house; instead be grateful for having a small house with a loving family. It is all about how you see things that adds colors to your life.

Be Thankful

Be thankful more often. Rather than telling your younger sibling that they are of no help to you, thank them for trying to do something for you. Instead of telling your colleague how they could have contributed to the project better, thank them for putting in time and thought. By being thankful, you spread positive vibes, and life starts to become more beautiful as a result.

Life is not grays and blacks all the time. When you decide to be positive, you will see how joyful your attitude becomes, how you start worrying less, and above all, how beautiful life starts looking! Don’t look for the brightest colors of life; make it colorful by yourself! Be the rainbow that makes your world shine.

If you find that you consistently struggle with feelings of dullness, know you are not alone. Therapy with a licensed professional can help you identify and work through issues weighing you down. Find a therapist today and rediscover the color in your life!

Some of the founding fathers of psychology, including Sigmund Freud, believed human motivation was based on a person’s need to avoid anxiety. In the last few decades, a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist often saw it as their job to provide interventions or prescribe medications that help reduce anger, anxiety, or sadness (Seligman, 2012). Some would argue parents and teachers have taken on this role as well with their children or students—minimizing negative emotions rather than teaching people how to function well despite these emotions. Some people believe by minimizing negative emotions, one is free to achieve “happiness,” which is what many people believe the goal of life should be.

[fat_widget_right]

Happiness theory, as it was originally defined, measured life satisfaction. The goal of this theory was to increase one’s life satisfaction. The original author of the theory has since redefined his theory to encompass more than life satisfaction, noting that humans are more complex than one singular motivation. Well-being is now the focus of positive psychology.

Building Blocks of Well-Being

According to Seligman (2012), well-being involves five elements:

• Positive emotion: Happiness and life satisfaction
• Engagement: Total absorption in a task
• Relationships: Human connection
• Meaning: Belonging to and serving something bigger than the self
• Accomplishment: Achievement often pursued for its own sake

Each of these elements contains three properties. First, the element contributes to well-being. Second, many people pursue the element for its own sake. Lastly, the element is defined and measured independently of the others (Seligman, 2012, p. 16).

Due to this shift, the goal of positive psychology is no longer the pursuit of happiness. Instead, positive psychology seeks to increase the amount of flourishing in one’s life and the life of the planet. In addition to the above five elements, which are the core features of well-being, scholars at the University of Cambridge identified six additional features associated with well-being (Seligman, 2012). A person must possess three of them to be considered “flourishing.” These include self-esteem, optimism, resilience, vitality, self-determination, and positive relationships.

Steps Toward Wellness

Not only has Seligman (2012) described what encompasses well-being, but he has also studied and provided interventions for people to increase their own well-being. These interventions include:

• Gratitude journals: Making a list of things to be thankful for today
• What went well: Writing down three things that went well today
• Signature strengths: Identifying strengths and uses for them
• Kindness exercise: Finding one unexpected kind thing to do for someone today or tomorrow

Focusing on the positive fits in with what scholars know about neuroscience. Due to their ancestral heritage, human brains have a negativity bias. When early humans had to hunt for food, they had to remember negative experiences for the sake of survival. Human brains are hardwired to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Dr. Rick Hansen (2013) indicates that for the positive experiences to be remembered and become neural patterns in the brain, people typically need a ratio of five positive experiences to one negative experience. If someone has a negative experience at work, school, or home, their brain is wired to remember it. To make lasting positive change, they must be able to compare that one negative experience to five positive experiences to override the negativity bias.

This new theory about well-being can give people hope about the future, especially those who have experienced traumatic events.Due to the success of Seligman’s theory of well-being, many organizations are adopting his theory, assessments, and interventions. He has helped implement initiatives such as the Penn Resilience Program, the Strath Haven Positive Psychology Curriculum, the Geelong Grammar School Model for Positive Education, and the U.S. Army’s Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program.

The U.S. Army’s Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program was designed to help soldiers returning from war develop skills to deal with the impact of trauma on their daily lives. Rather than focus on the soldiers’ weaknesses, the program helps soldiers identify their strengths and use them to overcome adversity. This new theory about well-being can give people hope about the future, especially those who have experienced traumatic events.

While anxiety and sadness can be typical responses to trauma, posttraumatic growth can be achieved. A study conducted by Seligman (2012) found people who had experienced adverse events demonstrated more significant strengths than those who had not. Jay (2017) notes that individuals who experience no adversity are less satisfied, less high functioning, and less successful than those who have experienced moderate amounts of adversity.

If you are seeking to recover from trauma or you want help improving your overall well-being, find a therapist.

References:

1. Jay, M. (2017). Supernormal: The untold story of adversity and resilience. New York, NY: Hachette Book Group, Inc.
2. Seligman, M. E. P. (2012). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. New York, NY: Atria Paperback.
3. TED. (2013, November 7). Hardwiring happiness: Dr. Rick Hanson at Ted Marin 2013. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpuDyGgIeh0

Editor’s note: Tayyab Rashid, PhD, CPsych, is a clinical psychologist at the University of Toronto in Scarborough. His continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Positive Psychotherapy: The Application of Positive Psychology in Clinical Settings, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on June 20. This event, free to GoodTherapy.org members, is good for two CE credits. For details, or to register, please click here.

Positive psychotherapy (PPT) is a therapeutic endeavor of the contemporary movement of positive psychology. While the traditional therapies target symptoms and positive interventions target strengths, PPT systematically amplifies positive resources; specifically, positive emotions, character strengths, meaning, positive relationships, and intrinsically motivated accomplishments. Positive psychotherapy neither suggests that other psychotherapies are negative nor is meant to replace empirically validated treatments. PPT is about redesigning the therapeutic landscape—allocating equal attention and effort to positives as much to negatives. It is meant to be an incremental change to balance therapeutic focus on strengths and weaknesses.

Focusing exclusively on negatives or positives in psychotherapy might be easier. But integrating both to strike a balance that captures the essence of the people we treat is challenging, if not impossible. PPT attempts to integrate symptoms with strengths, risks with vulnerabilities, weaknesses with virtues, and deficits with skills to discern inherent complexities of people in a balanced way. This doesn’t reduce people to mere conglomerate of syndromes nor enhances them to embodiments of strengths.

Positive psychotherapy acknowledges that, all things being equal, the human brain is not defaulted to neutral. It attends and responds more strongly to negatives than to positives. Psychopathology exacerbates this propensity. Cultivation of positives for people in therapy, therefore, becomes even harder, and dwelling on negatives easier. However, if psychotherapy can create a process, help people to rise above their default and learn to attend and amplify their positives, it could not only eliminate symptoms but also engender well-being. The toughest challenges of life require exploring and using the toughest internal resources, which in turn build resilience.

[fat_widget_right]

Therefore, PPT’s central premise is that accentuation of strengths, along with amelioration of symptoms, is a better therapeutic approach. Much like health is better than sickness, security is better than fear, relaxation is better than stress, co-operation is better than conflict, and hope is better than despair. Indeed, there are exceptions when negatives may be more appropriate, but generally, positives are more adaptive and functional than negatives.

Positive psychotherapy is based on three assumptions. First, people inherently desire growth, fulfillment, and happiness instead of just seeking to avoid misery, worry, and anxiety. Psychopathology engenders when the growth is thwarted. Second, positive resources such as strengths are authentic and as real as symptoms and disorders. These are not defenses, Pollyanna-ish illusions, or clinical byproducts of symptom relief that lie at the clinical peripheries without needing attention. The final assumption is that effective therapeutic relationships can be formed through the discussion and manifestation of positive resources, not just thorough lengthy analysis of weaknesses and deficits.

PPT is primarily based on Seligman’s notion of happiness and well-being (Seligman, 2002 and 2012). Seligman parses highly subjective notions of happiness and well-being into five scientifically measurable and manageable components: (1) positive emotion, (2) engagement, (3) relationships, (4) meaning, and (5) accomplishment, with the first letters of each component forming the mnemonic PERMA (Seligman, 2011). These elements are neither exhaustive nor exclusive, but it has been shown that fulfillment in these elements is associated with lower rates of depression and higher life satisfaction (Bertisch et al., 2014; Headey, Schupp, Tucci, and Wagner, 2010; Sirgy and Wu, 2009).

It should also be noted that Peseschkian in Germany has also worked on positive psychotherapy for more than 20 years and is distinct from PPT discussed here. Peseschkian’s approach to therapy is inherently and systematically integrative, incorporating cross-cultural, multidisciplinary, therapeutically, and psychologically inter-theoretic (Peseschkian, 2000). PPT, on the other hand, is rooted in the current movement of positive psychology.

PPT can be divided into three phases (see Table 1). The first phase focuses on helping people to articulate a balanced narrative and by exploring their strengths from multiple perspectives. Personally meaningful goals are framed using strengths of people in therapy. The middle phase focuses on cultivating positive emotions and confronting, in a supportive way, negative memories, experiences, and feelings which keep people stuck—thwarting their growth. The final phase focuses on exploring positive relationships and facilitating processes which nurture these relationships, and on exploring meaning and purpose.

Throughout the course of PPT, people explore their strengths and gradually take deeper dives to reflect, introspect, acknowledge, attribute, and amplify them, without dismissing, minimizing, or overlooking their problems. For example, PPT engages people in discussions about, say, an injustice done whilst also focusing on recent acts of kindness. Similarly, along with insults, hubris, and hate, experiences of genuine praise, humility, and harmony are deliberately elicited. Pain associated with the trauma is empathetically attended to whilst also exploring the potential for growth. A critical component of this integration is to help people learn ways to use their strengths to solve problems that might be maintaining their symptoms. People are encouraged to develop practical wisdom and psychological flexibility through the careful consideration of which signature strength is relevant to the problem, whether it conflicts with other strengths (e.g., should one be honest or kind?), and translate abstract signature strengths into concrete attainable and sustainable actions and habits (Kashdan and Rottenberg, 2010).

PPT has been empirically validated through 13, albeit small, pilot studies, including eight randomized and five nonrandomized studies conducted by using a PPT manual, treating depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and borderline personality. Results of these studies show that PPT is effective, with moderate effect sizes in reducing symptoms and enhancing well-being. PPT does equally well when compared with well-established treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). For a summary of these studies, please see Rashid (in press; Rashid and Seligman, 2013; Seligman, Rashid, and Parks, 2006).

Exercises in PPT work due to a number of factors. For example, these exercises reeducate attention, memory, and expectations away from the negative and catastrophic, and toward the positive and optimistic outcomes. For example, when a person keeps a gratitude journal, the bias toward ruminating only about what has gone wrong is counteracted. The person is more likely to end the day remembering positive events and completions, rather than troubles and unfinished business. Similarly, the gratitude visit may shift a person’s memory away from the unfavorable aspects of past relationships to savoring the good things about interactions with friends and family. This reeducation of attention, memory, and expectation is accomplished verbally as well as via journal writing. The identification and use of signature strengths allows people to think more deeply about their positive qualities, which is likely to bolster self-confidence and prepares them to better handle adversities.

Like any therapeutic endeavor, PPT is not immune from triggering or even causing negative and uncomfortable emotions. For example, awareness of strengths may be uplifting, but this could be dampened by realization that surrounding environments are not conducive to express, use, or enhance these strengths. People may also feel uncomfortable that they are kind, forgiving, and prudent. However, these very strengths may be taken for granted by others. The therapist attends and attunes to nuances of strength expressions and invites creativity to develop insights and prepares people to behave differently and more adaptively. Thus, PPT, despite its apparent emphasis on positives, is not exclusively about positives. Rather, it is about developing refined understanding of integration of positives and negatives.

Positive psychology in general is criticized for overlooking negatives. It would be naive and utopian to conceive of a life without negative experiences. As such, PPT does not deny negative emotions nor encourage people to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Rather, it aims to validate these experiences, whilst gently encouraging people to explore their effects and seek out potential positives from difficult and traumatic experiences. During these explorations, the therapist needs to be careful to avoid offering empty platitudes, such as pointing out the positive opportunities that trauma, loss, or adversity may present for a person’s development and growth. Amid the warmth, understanding, and goodwill created in the therapeutic milieu of PPT, listening mindfully and facilitating affective expression allows the therapist to help people explore, reflect upon, and notice both successes and setbacks. In so doing, people can learn how to encounter negative experiences with a more positive mind-set and reframe and label those experiences in ways that are helpful. By working diligently to articulate the genuine and authentic positives of a person’s experience, the PPT therapist does not create a Pollyanna-ish or Pangloss-ian epitome of happiness or a caricature of positive thinking. The therapist neither minimizes, nor masks as positives, unavoidable negative events and experiences such as abuse, neglect, and suffering. Such issues are dealt with in PPT using standard clinical protocols.

In conducting PPT, some caveats are in order. First, PPT is not prescriptive. It is a descriptive approach based on converging scientific evidence which documents the benefits of attending to the positive aspects of human experience. Second, PPT is not a panacea, nor is it appropriate for all people in all situations. It is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Furthermore, in PPT, therapists should not expect a linear progression of improvement, as the motivation to change long-standing behavioral and emotional patterns fluctuates during the course of therapy. Finally, rigorous outcome studies are needed to extrapolate generalizability and articulate the role of mediating variables.

Table 1: Positive Psychotherapy (PPT): An Overview of PPT Model

References:

1. Bertisch, H., Rath, J., Long, C., Ashman, T., and Rashid, T. (2014). Positive psychology in rehabilitation medicine: A brief report. Neuro Rehabilitation. doi:10.3233/NRE-141059
2. Headey, B., Schupp, J., Tucci, I., and Wagner, G. G. (2010). Authentic happiness theory supported by impact of religion on life satisfaction: A longitudinal analysis with data for Germany. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5, 73–82.
3. Kashdan, T. B., and Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30, 865–878.
4. Peseschkian, N. (2000). Positive Psychotherapy. New Delhi: Sterling Publishers.
5. Rashid, T. (in press). Positive Psychotherapy: A strength-based approach. Journal of Positive Psychology.
6. Rashid, T., and Seligman, M. E. P. (2013). Positive Psychotherapy. In D. Wedding and R. J. Corsini (Eds.), Current Psychotherapies. Pp. 461-498. Belmont, CA: Cengage.
7. Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. New York: Simon & Schuster.
8. Seligman, M. E., Rashid, T., and Parks, A. C. (2006). Positive psychotherapy. American Psychologist. 61, 774-788.doi: 10.1037/0003-066X.61.8.774
9. Sirgy, M. J., and Wu, J. (2009). The pleasant life, the engaged life, and the meaningful life: What about the balanced life? Journal of Happiness Studies, 10, 183–196.

I love my job. Love it. There are, of course, days like this one, when the 100-degree weather makes me want to bypass my office and head straight for the beach. For the most part, though, a day spent doing therapy is a day that fills me with deep satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

I haven’t always loved my job. In fact, for some time in college, I honestly hated it. A favorite professor recommended me for a coveted position as a psychological research assistant on a study being done at the world-renowned National Children’s Hospital. This particular study focused on how the quality of life for chronically medically ill adolescents may be improved by a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant. The position was a huge deal for an undergrad, and I was thrilled just to land a gig in my field instead of toiling at a children’s boutique, where I had been (I didn’t much love working there, either.)

This was going to look fantastic on my résumé; it was the kind of thing that would provide relevant experience and help usher me into grad school. I should have been overjoyed, and started out that way. But that soon fizzled, and instead I found myself downright miserable. The “gig” was not at all what I thought or hoped it would be. I had little to no interaction with the research participants. Instead, I spent every day hunched at the computer, matching subjects to controls, inputting boring data, and counting the slow minutes until I could head home.

According to positive psychology, we are happiest when the work we do, whether at home or on the job, allows us to use our signature strengths. Martin Seligman, the psychologist at University of Pennsylvania who pioneered the positive psychology movement, defines signature strengths as “strengths of character that a person owns, celebrates, and frequently exercises.” These are the personal traits and skills that come naturally, and that give us a sense of fulfillment and purpose when we use them.

Seligman has identified 24 unique character strengths, including fairness, curiosity, creativity, and humor. My VIA Signature Strengths survey results—which identified my top five strengths—help explain why, between my two jobs in psychology, I was woefully unhappy as a research assistant but have been blissfully content as a clinician.

My top three signature strengths are curiosity, love of learning, and perspective. Seligman and Christopher Peterson define these traits this way:

• Curiosity: Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake, exploring and discovering.
• Love of learning: Mastering new skills, topics and bodies of knowledge, whether on one’s own or formally.
• Perspective (wisdom): Being able to provide wise counsel to others, having ways of looking at the work that make sense to oneself and other people.

Doing therapy, I get to utilize all three of these strengths in my work. My sense of curiosity makes me truly interested in my clients and their personal stories. Because I love learning, I eat psych books like they are candy and very much enjoy attending conferences about new methods and ideas in my field, then immediately use what I learn in therapy sessions. Perspective (or wisdom) is a strength I try to employ daily by helping others look at themselves and their situations in healthy, encouraging ways.

A look at my relative weaknesses on the signature strengths survey also explains why my research assistant job didn’t work for me. The traits I seem to value least, and engage least frequently, are persistence, self-regulation, and prudence.

• Persistence: Finishing what one starts, persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacles.
• Self-regulation: Regulating what one feels and does, being disciplined, controlling one’s appetites and emotions.
• Prudence: Being careful about one’s choice, not taking undue risks, not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.

The research assistant job required hours of monotonous sifting through surveys and entering numbers into a statistical analysis program. This task required perseverance and discipline, two of my weaknesses. I was bored, edgy, and unfulfilled. I was impatient to learn the results of the findings, but it would be months until they were revealed. Day after day was the same—columns of numbers and the click-click-clack of computer keys. My curiosity was not satisfied, and my self-control was tested. I made regular trips to the vending machine, where in my careful scientific process I learned that I preferred Cheez-Its to Cheese Nips. I explored the wings of the hospital, discovering that the interns in the cardiology unit were better looking than those in rheumatology. I found myself daydreaming constantly.

Moreover, I became an unpopular, dissonant voice at the Adolescent Employment Readiness Center, as my unit was called. Since prudence was not one of my strengths, especially as a 20-year-old student, I made it all too clear that I did not believe that working at McDonald’s was the best use of time for a teen in remission who may not live to see his 20th birthday. As a passionate, wide-eyed kid myself, I thought our teenage subjects should be celebrating their periods of remission by sailing, surfing, seeing the world—anything but flipping burgers.

I am incredibly lucky. I was able to find a career that is in alignment with my signature strengths. Not all of us are as fortunate. Nonetheless, even in less-than-ideal situations, you can work toward finding opportunities to utilize your personal character strengths as often as possible. Research shows we are happiest when we are using our strengths regularly and in novel ways. By exploring the hospital and comparing the nuances of cheese-flavored snack foods, I engaged my curiosity and love of learning at my boring research job.

If your job or life circumstances don’t naturally engage your strengths, you can and should look for creative outlets for their expression. For example, if your strength happens to be my weakness of self-regulation, and you are in an unstructured environment, use your skills to bring order to the chaos. Help your coworkers organize their desk drawers or create a method for arranging their daily to-do list. If humor is one of your strengths, find ways to bring laughter to the board room or break room.

The most important point from the research on signature strengths is that we are happiest and most productive when we are living as an expression of our strengths rather than frantically trying to develop our weaknesses. I might look at my weaknesses and berate myself for being flighty, undisciplined, and impulsive. I could focus on these shortcomings and spend a bulk of time and energy making efforts to overcome them. To do so, according to positive psychology, is to expend precious energy swimming against the current of our most authentic selves.

It is worth investing a bit of effort to improve upon the weaknesses that handicap us and hold us back. Truth is, I do have a bit more stick-to-it-iveness and self-control now than I did in my college days. My mindfulness practice has helped me with that. Still, I am bored easily, relatively impatient, and I tend to speak my mind, so it doesn’t surprise me that persistence, self-discipline, and prudence remain my weaknesses.

Three times today I’ve abandoned writing this article to do something else. Because I’m curious and love to learn, I went to find the reference for another article, and found myself distracted by another couple of pages that popped up in my Google search. When I set out to write, I know that this will be the way things go, so I give myself the time for what will inevitably be my process. I allow and engage my strengths, and don’t beat myself up for my weaknesses. By permitting myself to work at a comfortable pace, I am able to eventually accomplish what I set out to do in a way that feels genuine to me.

Finally, I return to my signature strength of perspective/wisdom. I always enjoy sharing what I know with others, and helping them potentially gain insight, which happily propelled me to continue writing and to finish this article. I close by encouraging you to discover your own signature strengths and align your life with their expression. Become aware of your weaknesses, too, if only to learn forgiveness and a better understanding of where you may be challenged. By using your strengths creatively and consistently, you will create for yourself what positive psychologists call “the good life,” and be happier for doing so.

So often, people talk about the struggles they experience, and how they’ve grown from the pain in their lives. It’s true, but the sentiment is often that it takes pain to grow. What’s not often discussed is how human beings grow from joy, from being in connection; that is, how we heal and grow stronger from the joyous moments in our lives.

These moments might be in the form of comfort: the savoring of a warm cup of hot chocolate on a cool night, or the texture of flannel sheets, sharing a smile with a stranger on the street. Or, it might be in the form of connection: laughing with friends, holding hands with someone you care about, or the feeling of a hug from someone you love. Think now. Feel it. Let the experience of love linger in your mind and heart. How does it feel to be loved? This is how we grow from joy, how healing happens.

Recently, I attended two separate seminars, each on the same subject led by different speakers. The first spoke of trauma and how we are all broken because any disconnection causes brain trauma. She said that our minds can mend, but even with years of “attaching,” as she termed it, we still sift through our hearts and find the broken edges, the places where connections have gone wrong. I looked around the room; people were having difficulty keeping their eyes open. Exhaustion often occurs when we feel overwhelmed. No one made eye contact. Many people looked blank. This is an understandable reaction when we’re told that we are infinitely broken.

The second seminar was led by a researcher and doctor. He talked of the joy of holding his children when they were babies, watching them grow; he spoke of his passion for mental health and educational reform, a society focused on wellness and connection. He smiled as he counted the blessings he’d experienced, he laughed with us, easily making jokes about himself and his own foibles; he told stories of how he’d learned to parent—not being perfect, but always striving to understand, to grow. He thanked all the past researchers who’d led him to create a path of clarity in the field of mental health. He thanked us, all therapists in the room, for creating the experiences he wrote about. He talked about how we all build on each other’s ideas, how we’re all more connected than not, and how everyone matters. He held the potential and the beauty of human nature in his words, and I felt that. I looked around the room. Everyone was beaming.

[fat_widget_right]

When I think of the second seminar, other happy moments come to mind and I feel a flood of warm, happy feelings. Even now, as I type this, I’m smiling, my face is relaxed, no hint of tension in my jaw or shoulders. I’m breathing easily, feeling the warmth in my body of this memory. I remember it as though I’m living it now. Notice what you’re feeling as you read this. How is your breathing? Is it easy and relaxed? How is it different from how you felt when you were reading about the first seminar? Moment-to-moment awareness of positive feelings allows the positive experience to bloom, to be savored.

We all share emotions through our mirror neurons, though we might not realize it, and our minds create imprints of these interactions (Damasio). Our inner relationships (memories of relationships) are as vivid as our present interactions, and we connect one memory to others of their kind. In a sense, thoughts of a feather, flock together. So, when we hurt over something, it reminds us of other times we’ve felt pain, (and the brain actually lights up for emotional pain on MRI’s in the area where physical pain is expressed), and when we feel joy, it reminds us of other happy moments, and it strengthens us. It makes it possible for us to imagine other moments of joy, connection, comfort, and clarity.

This is why it’s so important to seek out empowering relationships, such as therapy, where we feel valued and heard. Our relationships—held in mind or in person—inform how we see ourselves, others, and the world. When you feel good in one moment, you’re more likely to seek out other connections similar to the one you’re experiencing in your mind.

Recent neuroscience research supports this. It shows that our brains actually create new neural pathways in response to our experiences. Experiences change the way our neurons fire and rewire in our minds. If these experiences are positive, new neural pathways form that increase our sense of health (viewed as integration), happiness, and connectedness to ourselves and others.

In other words, the more we have positive experiences in our lives, the more the neurons responding to these experiences, wire together. The more they wire together, the easier it is to experience more pleasure because those synaptic connections in the brain are strengthened. It’s circular. Depression works in an opposite way; we focus more on the negative because we feel bad. The keys to feeling better are self-compassion and a pairing together of sad feelings with exercises like the one below (which create new neural wiring patterns). Mindful attention to our emotions—both hard and pleasurable—enables us to move past difficult experiences, and to be open to positive ones. This could be called healing from pain by growing from joy! A true course of resiliency.

In fact, sharing difficult experiences with caring people actually changes the way we perceive those negative experiences; memories become less negative over time because they are paired with neural connections that are infused with being heard and cared about in a responsive connection. Over time, “pruning” of neural connections that are infused with negative experiences wither away. New neural connections are created that diffuse our perceptions of negative experiences. Pretty cool, huh?

This is why it’s so important to feel a sense of connection with the people around you, and why therapy that focuses on mindful awareness, with a person you feel connected to, creates transformation. It literally changes the way we relate to ourselves and those we love (Lewis).

Good therapy, like any positive relationship, creates increased clarity, self-awareness, self-esteem, a desire to create more relationships like the good ones you have, and an increased sense of zest for life. This is based on Relational-Cultural Theory’s perspective of the “Five Good Things” in what Relational-Cultural Theory calls, a growth-fostering relationship (Walker and Rosen). We all need growth-fostering relationships in order to feel emotionally and physically alive and healthy. Babies can die if they aren’t touched. One of the greatest forms of suffering is isolation. Every moment in positive connection is a healing moment. The scholars who created Relational-Cultural Theory knew that, and neuroscience supports this view. Without others, we wither. With others, we are more fully ourselves: vibrant, connected, loved, and joyful.

Suggested exercise: Think of a time when you felt fully connected to another being. It could be to a friend, an acquaintance, a partner, a parent, a teacher, an animal—someone who reminded you of your inherent worth. Feel the connection. If possible, pick someone who is still in your life in a positive way. The following exercise is meant for you to go at your own pace, and the questions are merely guides.

Bring to mind all the qualities of an interaction or experience you had with someone you love:
What was the day like?
Was it sunny, warm, or cool?
Could you feel the air touching your hair or skin?
Can you feel it now?
Where were you?
How did your body feel?
What do you notice right now as you’re sensing this moment?

Sense your connection with the other person.
Bring to mind the feeling of touch (in body or heart).
Notice how you feel, in your body, as you connect your interior experience to the feeling of being with this loved one.
Notice your breathing; is it slow and deep?
How was this other person responding? Feel the sense of that!

Now notice your body.
Has the temperature in your body changed?
Did your body soften?

How does this experience change your mood, your thoughts?
Does focusing on your breath or body-sensations enhance your awareness of the experience?

You can invoke the pleasure of this experience any time you want, simply by visualizing connection. Our minds don’t know the difference between what is visualized and what is actually being experienced (Damasio). When you imagine the joy of connection, your body physically changes. Your feelings about yourself change because the neurotransmitter, oxytocin is being released from the hypothalamus, which reduces anxiety and increases love, relaxation, and connection.

Every time you visualize connection, you strengthen your brain. Neurons in your brain are firing and rewiring, becoming stronger through one simple exercise. The more you do this, the more you strengthen the positive side of who you are. You can use this exercise any time you have a hard moment.

References:

1. Damasio, Antonio. (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotions in the Making of Consciousness.
2. Lewis, Thomas, MD, Fari Amani, MD, Lannon, Richard, MD. (2001). A General Theory of Love.
3. Siegel, Daniel. (2010). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation.
4. Walker, Maureen, Rosen, Wendy B. (2004). How Connections Heal: Stories from Relational-Cultural Theory