Female student talking with her professorThere are a couple things we know about power and relationships: Power is the ability to have influence on others. Power is relational and relationships are messy. We inevitably hurt each other.

Good intentions are essential, but not enough to ensure we are using our power well. Our impact is often different from our intentions. We may be surprised by cultural differences, differing world perspectives, and differing values. We make mistakes, and we may (often accidentally) misuse power. Most misuses of power are made by people who have lots of power due to their roles and privilege, good intentions, lack of awareness about their impact on others, and limited understanding about the dynamics of power.

There are three main reasons why many conflicts escalate and don’t turn out well. We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss, pain, and even trauma. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback. And because we most often don’t intend to cause harm, it can be hard to acknowledge or even see when we are responsible for hurt or conflict.

Here’s the good news: Most relationship difficulties can be resolved quickly, and the relationship can be repaired and even grow stronger. When hurt or misunderstood, most people need one or more of the following things. Here is an example: A teacher, trying to promote growth and learning, gave a student some challenging feedback about their presentation. Later, the student came to the teacher confused and hurt by what they had said.

We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss, pain, and even trauma. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback.

5 Steps to Repair Any Relationship

1. Acknowledgement

It’s important for someone to have their pain, upset, or confusion acknowledged. “You seemed really upset about my feedback. I realize my words may have been painful. Can you tell me more about what that was like for you?”

2. Intention

Someone may want to know what your intention was without having you reassign blame or validate your behavior. “I was intending to offer you some useful information about how you were using your voice.” (Please note that this is a short description. If you use only this step, or go too deeply into intention, people may experience this as an excuse.)

3. Apology

They want an apology. Here is a good formula: This is what I regret (specific behavior), and this is what I learned and what I’m doing to make sure it doesn’t happen again. For example, “I regret several things—that I didn’t ask you if this was a good time, didn’t give you a concrete example, and didn’t clarify that it was about how you used your voice, not who you are. Next time, I will be more clear in what I say and check in first about whether this would be a good time.”

An effective apology is deeply important for healing and repair. For an apology to land well, it needs to be behaviorally specific and involve taking personal responsibility. These are some examples of apologies that don’t get the job done:

4. Learning

As you are repairing a relationship with someone, they may want to know what you have learned. People can be very generous when they understand their hurt contributed to learning and growth. “I’ve learned more about what kind of feedback works for you. I will, in the future, ask if this is a good time, and leave time at the end to hear your responses and clear up misunderstandings.”

5. Repair

When a relationship has been ruptured, an invitation to repair is important and welcome. Although an individual may bring their hopes forward to you, it also can convey a lot of caring when you initiate by asking what would work best for them. “Is there anything I can do that would help repair this relationship?”

Try this: Think of someone, a friend or someone at work, with whom there has been an unresolved relational difficulty. (Start with a fairly low-stakes relationship and situation.) Try these steps, and see if you can resolve and repair. After the repair is made, ask for feedback from your other person about what you said or offered that was helpful in moving toward understanding and resolution.

Person walking down sunny street looks at phone, holding coat over shoulder with one handWhen I was a child in the 1950s, my father talked about power, using the old fable about the relative power of the wind and the sun. In the story, Wind and Sun had a contest to see who was stronger by agreeing to see who could be the first to get the coat off a man walking down the street. Wind blew, and almost instantly the man’s hat flew off and rolled down the path.

Wind said, “Aha! See how strong I am.”

Sun replied, “Yes, I agree. You are swift and strong, and you have won so far. But our contest is about the coat.” Wind proceeded to blow, and the man wrapped his coat closer around himself. Wind blew more and more ferociously, but the man simply pulled his coat tighter and tighter.

Then it was Sun’s turn. Sun showered her warmth onto the man and he warmed up, relieved and happy with the day. He removed his coat and carried it over his arm.

The Ways of Power

As an adult, I study the ways of power. Power is simply the ability to have an effect or to have influence. To have an effect, there must be a relationship between you and someone or something else. Surprisingly, in conversations about power, relationship, the essential ingredient of power, is often overlooked. It is, in fact, the quality of a relationship that determines whether leaders will use their power for good or for ill. Take the story of Wind and Sun: Wind has a relationship that is immediately effective but that becomes more and more adversarial and less and less effective. Sun’s relationship is warm and collaborative. Sun’s power is effective and yet connected. [fat_widget_right]

Studies show the qualities, universally, that people look for in leaders are humility, fairness, trustworthiness, and an ability to mediate differences. However, the nature of elevated power (such as role power or rank power) is that it is like an addictive drug that alters one’s relationship with self and others. The spell of power can affect everyone in elevated power, no matter their intentions. The effect of elevated power is, strangely, that the qualities distinguishing good leadership are the very qualities that tend to erode when people are given increased power (Barstow, 317).

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view. At the same time, they also increase impetuousness and the tendency to prioritize one’s own needs (Barstow, 318, Diamond, 49).

What is lost, then, is the empathic connection to one’s own heart and to the hearts and needs of others. To counter the abuse of power, more connection, more self-awareness, more compassion, and more empathy are all necessary. Power with heart is the key to using power toward the well-being of all. So much harm is unconsciously caused by good people who under-use or over-use or deny the power they have from both role and rank. Whether out of naiveté or a lack of awareness and sensitivity, they often don’t understand the addictive and shadowy nature of power, and they may also lack knowledge of themselves and their triggers and habits of disconnection.

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view.

It’s essential for leaders to know the perils related to the gifts of power, and they need to find ways to keep their hearts open and engaged and to accurately hear feedback that would help them stay in healthy and truthful relationships. They need to balance their up-power roles with places in daily life where they have less power.

The Dominance Model of Power

Globally, the most common model for power is the dominance model. It is based on strategies for using power that are designed to dominate people. Another model, which I’ll call the socially responsible model, demonstrates how power is used to prevent and repair harm, to move situations forward toward the greater good, and to promote well-being and dignity (Barstow, 319).

Consider the following strategies used to gain and maintain power from the Dominance Model and notice where in your personal life, and in your sense of global awareness, you see these strategies being used. The guides are a translation of these dominating strategies into strategies of the Socially Responsible Model.

The Laws, from Robert Greene’s best-selling book, The 48 Laws of Power, represent the Dominance Model of Power

The Guides, from my book Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, represent the Socially Responsible Model of Power and are arranged to correspond to and re-frame the Laws. [amazon_affiliate]

Laws and Guides:

Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends. Learn how to use enemies.

Guide 1: Trust and collaborate with your friends. Learn the strategies and interests of those opposed.

Law 3: Conceal your intentions.

Guide 2: Frame your intentions to be understood.

Law 4: Always say less than necessary.

Guide 3: Strive to say what is necessary. Earn trust.

Law 6: Court attention at all costs.

Guide 4: Court attention to values, good ideas, and worthy actions.

Law 7: Get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit.

Guide 5: Give credit where it is due.

Law 9: Win through your actions, never through argument.

Guide 6: Succeed through actions and philosophy.

Law 11: Learn to keep people dependent on you.

Guide 7: Be interdependent.

Law 12: Use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim.

Guide 8: Use honesty and generosity to build commitment and support.

Law 13: When asking for help, appeal to people’s self-interest, never to their mercy or gratitude.

Guide 9: Ask for help because you can put it to good use and because you represent a worthy cause.

Law 14: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.

Guide 10: Pose as a leader. Be a wise leader.

Dominance Model strategies are strong and deceptive. Like Wind blowing away the hat, they may appear to succeed, but the cost is too great and the harm is too grave. They remove the heart from power and from relationships. These strategies ultimately fail because they produce distrust, greed, selfishness, disrespect, exclusion, and exploitation.

Socially Responsible Model strategies, on the other hand, increase trust, fairness, loyalty, collaboration, inclusivity, and creativity. They rely on truth. They are relational. And they strengthen the relationship between heart and power.

What will you choose for yourself? The power of Wind or the power of Sun? If you find it difficult to make decisions regarding power and its use, consider speaking to a qualified and compassionate mental health professional.

References:

  1. Barstow, C. (2015). Right use of power: The heart of ethics. Boulder, CO: Many Realms Publishing.
  2. Diamond, J. (2016). Power: A user’s guide. Santa Fe, NM: Belly Song Press.
  3. Greene, R. (2002). The 48 laws of power, concise edition. London, England: Profile Books.

Silhouette of upset woman in open doorwayThe therapeutic relationship can be a very powerful relationship. In fact, power in this relationship is vital, and something ethical therapists should think carefully about. Ideally, the therapist uses the position of authority inherent to the role to empower people in therapy and encourage them toward wellness and autonomy. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. In some cases, therapists have been known to abuse the imbalance of power in the therapeutic relationship. This can of course be harmful to the people they are entrusted to help, who may not know exactly what is happening or what to do about it.

As a person in therapy, trusting your own experience and communicating about it are both essential to the outcome of therapy. If you have fears or doubts about something that happened or how you are being treated, in most cases you should speak with your therapist about these concerns. In turn, any such concerns should be taken seriously and addressed immediately by the therapist.

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Some ways therapists may go astray in the therapeutic relationship include behaviors related to boundaries, to fostering dependence, to their duty of care to you, and to acting in hostile ways. A number of specific things would be red flags. While I will discuss some of them, please know this list is by no means exhaustive, nor can it possibly be. It is important to trust your instincts about how you are being treated.

Boundaries are extremely important in the therapeutic relationship, and many are outlined in the ethical codes mental health practitioners are bound by. It is incumbent upon your therapist to maintain appropriate and professional boundaries; this is one of the ways the therapist fosters trust in the relationship and in the therapeutic process. Maintaining boundaries means your therapist should neither cross boundaries nor allow you to cross them as part of the relationship. The therapeutic relationship should empower you and enrich your life.

Examples of boundaries being crossed include:

Fostering Dependence

Therapists are ethically obligated to support people in therapy in living full, independent lives to the extent this is possible for them. In some (hopefully few!) cases, therapists have intentionally fostered dependence. As a therapist, my goal is always, as I say, to “work myself out of a job,” because this means the person in therapy has achieved the goals established at the outset and moved into a better space.

Some clues that your therapist may be fostering dependence in the relationship include:

For what it’s worth, some of the signs above are hallmarks of emotional abuse. You don’t deserve such abuse from anyone, let alone your therapist.

Deviations from Duty of Care

Therapists have a specific duty of care to you. This includes a legal and ethical duty to work actively toward your welfare and to be responsive to your needs.

Therapists have a specific duty of care to you. This includes a legal and ethical duty to work actively toward your welfare and to be responsive to your needs.

Some specific deviations from a therapist’s duty of care to you might include:

Hostile or Abusive Behaviors

Therapists may sometimes need to confront problematic behaviors or hold reasonable expectations regarding behavior of the person in therapy. However, this boundary should never take the shape of openly hostile or abusive behaviors.

Some indications your therapist is engaging in hostile behavior include:

The scenarios above provide a broad overview of some behaviors that may be indicators of a problematic or abusive therapeutic relationship. In some of these cases, it is conceivable that there might be reasonable clinical justification for certain behaviors. However, if you feel uncomfortable about your therapeutic relationship, you should address that discomfort—it is real, valid, and deserves attention.

If You Have Concerns Regarding Therapy or Your Therapist

If you have concerns about the safety or appropriateness of your therapy relationship, in most cases the best first step is to bring these to the attention of your therapist. In many cases, there may have been a miscommunication of some sort and your therapist will be grateful to you for bringing this to their attention so it can be addressed. (Good therapists want to help you feel better!)

If this does not seem possible or reasonable in your circumstances, you are always free to seek a second opinion from another therapist. Although it’s rarely advisable to have multiple concurrent therapists, one session to consult with a different therapist about how your therapy is going and explore the possibility of changing to a therapist who may be a better fit for you is always a reasonable step.

If you have serious concerns about how you have been treated in therapy, you can contact the licensing board for the type of professional you are working with in your state and ask what your options are. A simple web search should help you find this body. For example, searching for “counselor board state of Indiana” should help you navigate to the relevant authority that can help you with your specific questions or concerns.

Women working in store“I feel like I am not listened to and that what I say doesn’t count.” “I feel humiliated for speaking up.” “I’m afraid of losing my job if I am critical.” “I’m expected to take care of things that are not my responsibility.” “I feel used and taken advantage of.” “My supervisor can’t change. It’s just the way it is, and I have to accept it.” “It’s hopeless! I’ve tried, and nothing changes.” “Every time I do the right thing, it feels like I get punished.” “I can’t believe my boss doesn’t get how we feel about him and what kind of harm he’s causing.” “My therapist says she wants all kinds of feedback, but when I give her negative feedback, she just turns it around on me.” “My feelings and opinions just aren’t taken seriously.” “It’s just not safe.” “It’s really unjust, but it is more peaceful to just let it go.” “I feel like it is just hopeless to have an effect, so I don’t invest myself.” “I can’t believe it. She just said no. And she’s my friend.” “He’s always too busy.” “There’s no acknowledgement, no follow-up from what I say.” “She must be right.”

Sound familiar?

These are feelings and experiences frequently expressed by people when they are in what I call a down-power role. People in therapy, students, supervisees, employees, medical patients, and parishioners, among others, are in roles with less power and influence than their up-power therapists, teachers, supervisors, employers, doctors, and clergy. This greater power is an automatic accompaniment to professional or positional power and, in fact, is embedded in the up-power role. Role power is earned or assigned. Role power is an add-on to the personal power we all have and need in our lives. Think of it like a scarf or mantle of additional power and responsibility that one puts on when one is in an up-power role.

Often without recognizing it, we may move between up- and down-power roles multiple times in a day. At the dentist, we are down-power. As a teacher, we are up-power. With a police officer, we are down-power. This power difference, although it has vital functional and emotional value, creates relational dynamics that, when misused, are reflected in the italicized statements above.

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Therapist, supervisor, teacher, director, clergy, doctor, police officer: these are the positional power roles that carry an especially strong power difference. The stronger the power difference, the greater the vulnerability and risk for those who are down-power. The strength of the power differential is directly related to the amount of risk.

I use the terminology up-power roles and down-power positions because they are simply directional words, not necessarily evaluative words. By the way, there are other up-power roles in which the power difference is not very great (although still present), or the power difference is temporary—waiter in a restaurant, committee chair, lecturer. Virtually all jobs have some up-power responsibilities for assessment and final decision-making.

The power-differential effects that I want to describe are the relational dynamics that are most potent in high-difference roles, such as teacher, therapist, clergy, supervisor, and director. This information may be useful to you when you are in a challenging down-power position and want to have some positive influence but not get hurt or feel put down. It may also be useful when you are in an up-power role and things aren’t smooth, or you’re getting a lot of pushback, shutdown, passivity, or anger. Reviewing these dynamics can help you make self-corrections that can shift the relationship for the better.

The dynamics are as follows:

  1. All power/no power
  2. Skewed impacts
  3. 150% principle
  4. Power blindness
  5. Power with heart

Let’s explore these dynamics in greater depth.

1. All Power/No Power

There is a misconception, based on witnessing or experiencing abuses of power, that up-power means “all power” and down-power means “no power.” This is a self-reinforcing dynamic. The more the up-power person over-identifies with the increased power accompanying their role, the more the down-power person feels powerless and disempowered; meanwhile, the more the down-power person experiences or assumes no power, the more the up-power person experiences or assumes they have all the power.

Without understanding the difference between role power and personal power (and also status power), it is easy and natural to think of role power as if it were personal power. As a therapist, it is not healthy to take a person’s suffering home. Better to leave it at the office. As an airline pilot, it is not healthy to treat your partner and children as if they were staff or passengers under your command.

There are also ways in which people get stuck in an up-power role even when they have taken off their role mantel. A member of the clergy, for example, may not be able to go to a meeting without being expected to hold up-power role responsibilities. We are generally unaware of how frequently we change from up-power roles to down-power positions.

2. Skewed Impacts

In the relationship between up-power and down-power, it is acceptable and a responsibility of the up-power role to give feedback—both positive and challenging. For those in a down-power position, it is fine to give positive feedback, but it can be risky to give negative feedback or even suggestions for what would work better. Challenging feedback can be met with humiliation, putdown, demotion, or even loss of a job.

3. 150% Principle

The 150% principle is an important concept. The up-power role is weighted toward responsibility, while the down-power role is weighted toward risk. One of the responsibilities that goes with the up-power role is what I call the 150% principle. While all are 100% responsible for the health of the relationship, the ones in the up-power roles are even more responsible—hence the 150% metaphor.

On a day-to-day basis, this attitude means the person in the up-power role needs to be 50% more active in tracking for and resolving working-relationship problems and issues, earning trust, holding the big picture, demonstrating listening and responding to feedback (especially challenging feedback), attending to safety, and being fair and respectful. This is a tall order, but it is part of using role power wisely and well.

4. Power Blindness

The socially dominant concept of power as force, exploitation, and manipulation often leads people in up-power roles to disown, deny, or downplay their increased power and influence by virtue of their role. This power blindness causes much harm, albeit harm that is subtle, confusing, and difficult to address.

Power blindness is particularly a problem for people in the helping professions: teachers, supervisors, therapists, and clergy, all of whom are often trying to help people heal from the wounds of power abuse and thus should be particularly sensitive to misuses of power. They don’t want to cause harm, yet they frequently fail to understand how their up-power roles heighten their influence, just as turning up the volume on the television increases the sound.

5. Power with Heart

The core of “right use of power” is the ability to stay connected. Staying connected involves standing in your strength while staying in your heart. Both strength and compassion are necessary aspects of power.

When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact.

Many shadow aspects can interfere with a leader’s ability and even interest in staying in a relationship. Here are two of them: social distance and the ability to take action without interference. Both of these conditions have leadership value. Social distance helps give a leader a view of the whole person or organization that is essential for good care and decision-making. The ability to take action without interference allows the leader to take charge and make difficult decisions that move things along and are for the good of the whole even though not everyone affected agrees. However, in seeing the forest, one’s connection to individual trees can get lost or distorted. Compassion is lost when individuals become cogs in the wheel of progress and financial success.

An unfortunate but natural result of being able to take action without interference is that leaders begin to be more impulsive, more self-oriented, and less respectful in their relationships. Helping professionals and leaders need to understand this dynamic in order to be alert to ways they may unconsciously be losing compassion and connection.

It might be interesting now to go back to the beginning of this article and look at the statements. Can you relate each statement to one or more of the relational dynamics described? Do you have personal experiences with any of these role-power issues? To repeat, understanding and working with these relational dynamics may be empowering, whatever role you are in. When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact. Staying connected is key. Maybe it’s not so hopeless, after all.

“GoodTherapy | The Power Differential and Why It Matters So Much in TherapyI’m trying to imagine ethics without an awareness of power. That would be like trying not to step on anyone’s toes, without an awareness of one’s feet.” —Susan Mikesic

The power differential is the inherently greater power and influence that helping professionals have as compared to the people they help. Understanding both the value and the many impacts of the power differential is the core of ethical awareness. Written codes for ethical behavior are based on the strong positive and negative impacts of this power differential.

People seeking help are in a position in which they must trust in the knowledge and guidance of their caregiver. This results in a greater-than-ordinary vulnerability. Consequently, people are unusually susceptible to harm and confusion through misuses (either under- or overuse) of power and influence.

Examples of Power Inequality

“The impact of the role, control, and power difference between client and therapist is very strong and also very subtle, and thus demands a strong ethical stance. In brief, your role as the therapist [or any helping professional] is to create a safe space, empower your client, protect your client’s spirit, and to see a wider perspective.” —Hakomi Institute Code of Ethics preface

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Stated another way, there is a power inequality whenever you take on a role that gives you authority over another or creates the perception that you have authority. Power differential roles include: supervisor, clergy, body worker, healer, lawyer, coach, group leader, therapist, counselor, doctor/nurse, mediator, teacher, social worker, massage therapist, guide, and social worker.

Personal Power and Role Power

In talking about the power differential, it is necessary to clearly describe and distinguish between two kinds of power. This distinction is important because it makes clear that the increased power that accompanies a position of authority is role-based and not the same as personal power.

I like to show the difference between these two powers with scarves. When I am a therapist, I have my personal power, of course, but I wear my added-on role power as if it were a scarf. When I leave my office, I take my role-power scarf off. My personal power stays with me. It’s like my scarf has access to and stores information related to the enhanced power that belongs to my role. With my scarf on, I can remember multiple details about my clients’ processes. When I take my scarf off, I can and need to leave those details and responsibilities behind.

This is not a purely black-and-white thing. Of course I continue to have concern about the people I work with in therapy, and I am known as a therapist or teacher even when I am not in these roles. But many misuses of power are a result of the person in the up-power role over-identifying with his or her role power, forgetting that this is a role-based add-on power.

My friend Nancy’s husband, Daniel, is a commercial airline pilot. Until they understood this dynamic, their marital relationship was quite compromised each time Daniel came home and acted as if he were still the airline pilot—a commanding position. Things changed when Daniel ritually took off his hat with the symbolic words, “I’m hanging the pilot on the hook now.”

Up-Power and Down-Power

I refer to those in positions of increased role power as having “up-power” and those in corresponding positions of lesser power as having “down-power.” These are simple and directional terms not intended to indicate disrespect, disempowerment, exploitation, manipulation, better, worse, power over, or power under. Instead, these terms are intended to denote role differences in responsibility and vulnerability.

Up-power and down-power positions have cognitive, emotional, and somatic differences. As an exercise, I ask my students to walk around the room imagining walking with someone up-power to them. My students notice a variety of things—feeling smaller, more cautious, protective, turned inward (or, for some, feeling relaxed, eager, relieved). Then, when imagining walking with someone they are up-power with, they notice feeling more spacious, focused on the other, taller, kind, caring, and alert. It is very clear to them that the two roles are experienced differently. For most, this is a surprise. A student described the difference in this way: “When I’m a practitioner, my personal needs and ‘stuff’ are behind me resting against my shoulders, and when I’m a client, my personal needs and ‘stuff’ are sitting right there in a huge ball on my lap, visible and available.”

We move back and forth daily between being in up-power positions and down-power positions.

We move back and forth daily between being in up-power positions and down-power positions. (Like putting on a scarf or robe when in a role and taking it off when leaving the role, we move from up-power therapists to a down-power supervisee, or up-power doctor to down-power patient, for example.) We are usually unaware of the shift. This unconscious shifting of roles makes it more difficult to clearly understand the dynamics and impacts.

Some up-power roles carry a stronger differential—and, therefore, a stronger risk of harm—than others. For example, the president or a police officer or a therapist has a greater power difference than the chair of a committee or a clerk in a store. But all up-power roles have impacts and dynamics.

Value of the Power Differential

In the helping professions, the power differential has great value. Used wisely and appropriately, it creates a safe, well-boundaried, professional context for growth and healing. More specifically, when used ethically and effectively, the power differential offers people in therapy, students, supervisees, and patients some important assurances:

These values can be reduced to six categories:

  1. Safety, kindness, and boundaries
  2. Larger frame
  3. Expertise
  4. Assigned responsibilities
  5. Accountability
  6. Assessment and productivity

Think about it. When you go to a therapist, doctor, or teacher, you want to be in an environment where you can get what you need. You want the environment to be different than just talking to a friend. When you get on a plane, for example, you want and need the pilot to look and act competent. Wearing jeans and a T-shirt just won’t do. You need him or her to be skilled, to embrace his or her role, and treat you with respect.

Understanding and Owning Your Power and Influence

Because the power differential is role-dependent, it is easy to over-identify with (or get inflated by) this increased or enhanced power. However, it is just as easy to misuse this increased power by under-identifying with it. The central idea here is the necessity to understand and own your role power so that you can be conscious and informed.

Here are several misunderstandings that illustrate the multiplicity of the impact of the power differential for both helping professionals and people who seek help:

The power difference between therapist and person in therapy, or other similar pairs, is the dynamic that creates down-power vulnerability. Down-power vulnerability, based in a role, is what creates the need for ethical guidelines to protect people from harm.

SpiralThe power spiral is a guide to using role power wisely and well, and is of particular use to therapists. There are four aspects to the power spiral for use with ethical decision-making: gathering information, engaging compassion, resolving and repairing, and resourcing.

As a mental health professional, when you have any kind of ethical decision to make, consider the questions that guide you through the power spiral process. This process may also be helpful when you would like to harvest some learning by reflecting back on a decision or mistake you may have made.

Start by focusing your thoughts on the situation you want guidance on. Then imagine this situation in the center of a power spiral surrounded by the four aspects described next. Now imagine sitting in each of the directions of the spiral and consider questions such as the ones listed here. What insights emerge?

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1. Gather Information: The Informed Use of Power

2. Engage Compassion: The Conscious Use of Power

3. Prevent or Repair Harm: The Caring Use of Power

Some ethical decisions are involved with how to be in service to the person you’re working with and prevent harm, while others are related to how to resolve difficulties and repair harm.

Questions for being of service and preventing harm:

Questions for resolving difficulties and repairing harm:

4. Resource Yourself: The Skillful Use of Power

Example of the Power Spiral Process in Action

One of my students told me about an experience that usefully illustrates this process. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality.

A colleague referred someone to Elena, who works for an agency. The written notes about this man, David, said he wanted to get disability payments. When Elena met with David, he said he didn’t want disability assistance. Hearing that and feeling some reticence from David, Elena began working with him on feeling less shame and personal failure at needing to apply for public assistance.

This process went nowhere. David stopped coming to appointments and even filed a complaint with Elena’s boss. He said he had quit his appointments because she wasn’t giving him any help with his communication skills and managing his anger. Elena was quite surprised to hear this.

Using the power spiral process, Elena got some insights:

This is a fairly simple example of how to use this process and the many insights and guidance the focused questions can provide, and demonstrates how the process can be used in supervision or with a group of peers. It is also a humbling example of how quickly and innocently we can get off course. Further, it underscores how easy it is to be rule-bound (in this case, referral notes-bound) when we most need to be attuning to ourselves and being in right relationship with the people we serve—ethics from the inside out. Finally, it is an example of how simple and straightforward it can be to work out a problematic issue.

Elegant gray tie on a blackWhether you read, saw, loved, or hated Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s no denying that its release started a larger conversation about BDSM in popular culture. It’s important for us to acknowledge that—even if we’re embarrassed by it; even if we think it’s better left a dark, sexy mystery—because according to the research, anywhere between 2% and 62% of the population is interested in BDSM (Sagarin, 2015).

BDSM is my favorite acronym because it’s so multifaceted: its letter pairings stand for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It could be said that the underlying element across all these terminologies is power, and in fact, some kinksters call what they’re doing “power play.”

Any time we’re playing with power, however, we need to be aware of the potential misuse or abuse of that power. Fortunately, many in the adult BDSM community employ an ethics mantra to help those new to the scene, or even more seasoned practitioners, feel comfortable testing limits. Their guiding principles are “safe, sane, and consensual.”

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What do we mean when we’re talking about safety, sanity, and consent? This guide will define those concepts and give examples of responsible power play between adult partners. While it’s not necessary to label them as such, I may reference two types of play partner throughout this article: “Doms,” or dominant partners, and “subs,” or submissive partners. Play partners who occupy either or both roles are known as “switches.”

1. Safety

Some people who enjoy kink aren’t into gadgetry or fancy equipment, but others are. Some obvious equipment with the potential for damage are sensory deprivation masks, urethral sounds, genital clamps, and suspension devices, but even simpler tools such as rope, belts, or paddles could leave lasting damage or even prove fatal if play partners aren’t adequately prepared. Study up—not just on use of your equipment, but on basic human anatomy, too. Some parts of the body, like on the back near the kidneys, are riskier places to be struck. Consider the risk of losing circulation if you’re playing with rope or handcuffs, and have a backup plan for freeing your partner if you’re tying up or cuffing him or her. Make sure your partner can breathe if you’re using a ball gag or mask. Practice whipping pillows before using human partners; practice tying basic knots before attempting more intricate bondage. Minimize burn risks if you’re playing with hot wax.

These might sound like a lot of rules, but if your partner trusts you with his or her body, you need to be able to trust yourself, too. Emotional safety is as important as physical safety when it comes to sex and power play, which brings us to the second item of the BDSM ethics code.

2. Sanity

Whether I’m doing trauma work with people in individual therapy or facilitating classroom discussions about healthy relationships, I want to make sure that I’m maintaining an atmosphere of emotional safety. The rationale and context may be different, but the concept of emotional safety is absolutely critical for responsible BDSM exploration. Emotional safety exists in environments where you’re sharing only what feels safe and will be respected. In BDSM practice, this requires considerable introspection on the part of both dominant and submissive partners. Ask yourself: are the activities we’re engaging in going to open emotional wounds, and do I trust my partner to take care of me in a state of vulnerability? Do I have a handle on my sadism, and am I capable of balancing it with loving kindness? Am I doing this because I enjoy it, or out of a sense of guilt or obligation? Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.

If establishing limits ahead of time is tricky because you don’t know what your limits are, another way to ensure sanity and safety is to agree on a “safeword” for moments when things no longer feel safe or OK. In many cases, this word is never used, but there’s no shame in having one handy. The use of a safeword connects to the third and final descriptor in the BDSM ethics code.

Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.

3. Consent

Most forms of BDSM involve the creative surrender or takeover of control; however, this works harmoniously only between two or more consenting partners. Establishing consent may seem murky when people are playing out fantasies that involve force or domination, but there are many ways to ensure your partner is enjoying his or her experience. Agreeing on a safeword is important, as is respect between partners.

The idea of respect may seem confusing or even comical if humiliation or shame is integral to your fantasy. Rather than focusing on respectful words or behaviors, we can think of respect as an overall commitment to mutual safety and pleasure. Submissive partners are responsible for communicating their own limits, and Dom(me)s should be committed to the quality of their subs’ experiences. Look at your partner’s face; look at his or her body language. Notice any tension that exists for you alone or between you and your partner. Trust your gut.

Ethical Sex and Kink

I was surprised that I enjoyed much of the Fifty Shades movie, despite being a die-hard feminist and despite critiques I had read about the book it’s based on. The lead submissive character was empowered—I enjoyed her business meeting-style negotiations about what conditions she would and would not tolerate, and I often found the Dom/sub banter witty and endearing. There are definitely conversations to be had about their struggle for power, but it’s hard to arrive at any agreement about power, inside or outside the bedroom. The questions I used to critique the film’s responsible portrayal of BDSM include: “Were the sex acts safe? Were they sane? Were they consensual?”

It’s worth asking those questions about your own sex acts, whether you’re exploring kink with a new partner or you’ve been practicing BDSM for many years. With proper introspection comes the responsible use of power. Even when perceived danger is part of the sex appeal, it’s important not to blur the line between fantasy and reality. I hope these guidelines can aid you in your quest for ethical fun and pleasure!

References:

  1. The Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS). https://carasresearch.org/
  2. Copulsky, D. (2015). Consent and safety basics for kink & BDSM [comic]. Sex Positive Education. Retrieved from http://www.sexedplus.com/consent-safety-basics-for-kink-bdsm/
  3. Sagarin, B. (2015). The surprising psychology of BDSM. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-wide-wide-world-psychology/201502/the-surprising-psychology-bdsm

female-with-hand-upI remember when I first started out as a therapist. I loved offering advice. I had such important, good advice to share.

Actually, I was full of advice long before I became a therapist. I had good ideas for just about everyone in every situation starting from a fairly young age.

At one point in college, I decided to try an experiment. Instead of being so free and honest with my advice, I’d wait until people asked me for it. Why should I make it easy for everyone?

Strangely enough, no one asked.

Perhaps that’s part of what initially led me to this profession. Imagine my surprise when, three weeks into my first internship, my boss very directly told me and the other two interns, “Your job this year is to learn to listen and to not help anyone.”

What?

I found that to be glib and annoying. I figured he just wanted to say something bold, shocking, something to make us think twice. I mean, my earliest exposure to therapy was Lucy in the comic strip Peanuts. There was an advice giver if ever there was one.

Well, my boss was right.

Advice giving as a therapist should be a rare thing. Here’s why.

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None of this is to say I’m never concrete with people in the therapy room or that I never offer suggestions. I don’t think it’s all that helpful to hold back or to be deliberately vague. But in my years of doing this work, I’ve given advice less and less and people seem more satisfied.

Sometimes my lack of advice giving brings up some strong feelings. I think back to when I wanted someone to make a decision for me. When someone did, I missed an opportunity to be better prepared for next time.

It’s like your mother telling you to look up a word in the dictionary instead of simply telling you its meaning. I was always angry when she did that. I considered her to be manipulative, withholding, and smarmy.

But I know what “pompous” means.

Sisters Comforting Each OtherIt is the nature of abuse within families to be as behaviorally nuanced and emotionally complex as the individuals involved. Relationship abuses nearly inevitably reveal a life-draining and self-perpetuating dynamic of power and control. It is within this dynamic that abuse is perpetuated.

Abuse may manifest as physical (throwing, shoving, grabbing, blocking pathways, slapping, hitting, scratches, bruises, burns, cuts, wounds, broken bones, fractures, damage to organs, permanent injury, even murder), sexual (suggestive flirtatiousness, propositioning, undesired or inappropriate holding, kissing, fondling of sexual parts, masturbation, oral sex, or any kind of forceful sexual activity), or emotional (neglect, harassment, shaming, threatening, malicious tricks, blackmail, unfair punishments, cruel or degrading tasks, confinement, abandonment).

Abuse may also involve what I call strategic accusation in an attempt to maintain perceived leverage in the context of families and social circles—for instance, communicating to family and friends that the victim has engaged in affairs that have not occurred, or even using the mere threat of spreading such a rumor. There may also be implicit threats, such as, for instance, the open display of weapons. Perpetrators may drive recklessly in order to generate fear and emphasize a position of control.

Financial or what you might call economic abuses may also exist. For instance, many perpetrators maintain individual, or even secret, bank accounts as a way to withhold money. They may also ensure that bills and credit cards be placed under the name of the victim as a measure of self-protection.

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In all of these, the dynamic of abuse commonly takes shape in varying modes of manipulation, intimidation, aggression, and terrorism.

And though we often think of abuse as being inflicted by a perpetrator on a victim, or else between two perpetrators, we must be careful to recognize another disposition, an often secretly performed dynamic of abuse, that is inflicted by an emotionally troubled person onto himself or herself.

Recognizing that those trapped in such dynamics embody varying forms of what psychology has long referred to as sadism and masochism, psychologist David Shapiro (1981) instructed:

Each disposition involves, in its own way, a defensive, usually angry assertion of will; each is driven by a sense of inferiority, shame, or humiliation; each is deeply and self-consciously concerned with relative position, rank, and measure, with superiority and inferiority—but the sadistic person from the superior position, and the masochistic person from the inferior one.

The sadistic impulse occurs when a person dominates others as a way of attempting to gain in a surrogate what they lack within themselves and in life: control. The masochistic impulse occurs when a person grasps for such control through harmful forms of self-soothing.

Eating disorders, cutting, and substance abuse are indicative of a masochistic coping style and often of entrenched emotional dominance or avoidance within a family system.

Child abuse occurs far more commonly than most people realize. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began a study in the 1990s that has tracked child abuse and reported that there are more than three million reports made each year involving more than six million children, and that between four and seven children die each day due to abuse or neglect in the United States.

And then there is violence between lovers. Michael Johnson (2006) identified four major types of intimate partner violence—situational couple violence, intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and mutual violent control—and defined them “in terms of the control motives of the violent member[s] of the couple, motives that are identified operationally by patterns of controlling behavior that indicate an attempt to exercise general control over one’s partner.”

Intimate terrorism, which most frequently involves men abusing women, is the most extreme form of domestic violence. Another form of chronic domestic violence is a pattern in which both husband and wife are controlling and physically violent, two intimate terrorists battling for control, what Johnson labeled “mutual violent control.” These types of chronic abuse are products of two quite different evolutionary histories and psychological profiles: “one type broadly sociopathic and violent, the other deeply emotionally dependent on their relationship with their partner” (Skolnick and Skolnick, 2003).

Lipman-Blumen (1984) defined power in relationships as “the process by which individuals gain the ability to impose their will on others.” Abuse is often preceded by a more subtle power dynamic. Newman (1999) noted that early stages of abuse may be primarily emotional and difficult to detect:

For instance, when a husband anticipates his wife’s angry response to his desire for her to do more around the house, he may decide not to voice his concerns in order to avoid conflict. Thus, she has successfully exerted power over him [by preventing him from speaking his mind] without any direct confrontation. Such invisible power is important since it can maintain inequality even in those marriages that appear harmonious and conflict free.

Victims of relationship abuses often enter into therapy in the midst of a dualistic emotional experience—an affectionate emotional bond interlaced with anger, resentment, and fear.

Those who find themselves in therapy are obviously often experiencing painful and isolating feelings and possibly ambiguity of emotions, such as love and anger, which may be felt simultaneously. Unless a therapist is highly empathic, victims may be unwilling to expose themselves. The first tasks in therapy should always be to empathize with the person amid the emotions brought into the therapy room and to ensure an immediate plan for safety should a disclosure of abuse be made.

References:

  1. Centers for Disease Control. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html.
  2. Johnson, M.P. (2006). Conflict and control: Gender symmetry and asymmetry in domestic violence. In Violence Against Women (12) 11, 1003-1018. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
  3. Lipman-Blumen, J. (1984). Gender roles and power. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
  4. Newman, D.M. (1999). Sociology of families. Pine Forge Press: Thousand Oaks, CA.
  5. Shapiro, D. (1981). Autonomy and rigid character. United States: Basic Books.
  6. Skolnick, A. S., and Skolnick, J. H. (2003). Family in transition (12th ed.). Boston: A&B.

PowerWalking Shadow, the ability to have an effect or to have influence, is our birthright. We all have power and need it to survive, to have relationships, and to be productive. Think how much power a baby has when he or she cries or laughs.

Our lives are full of relationships where there are power differences, and we all move back and forth between being in what I call “up-power” and “down-power” roles. For example, there is a power differential between a CEO and the employees, a doctor and the patients, a clergyperson and the parishioners, a teacher and the students. Both sets of people in these relationships have their personal power, but the person in the up-power role has the additional power that accompanies his/her assigned, elected, or earned role. A therapist moves from up-power with a person in therapy to down-power with a supervisor. A CEO going to the dentist moves from up- to down-power. We make this shift more often than we notice.

Research (Google: Joris Lammers, power; Dacher Keltner, power paradox) is showing that people who have greater power act differently from people who have lesser power. Increased or decreased power has cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and somatic effects. “Good” people tend to have the idea that those who abuse their up-power do so because they are simply greedy, fearful, self-aggrandizing, or power-hungry. However, it turns out that the situation is more complicated. Power affects everyone, and unless it is understood and mediated, very often it results in abuses. In fact, the greater the power difference, the greater and more widespread the harm. The widely held idea (Lord Acton) that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” is largely true.

There are two ways to respond to this information. The first is to decide that power is bad; therefore, if you don’t want to cause harm, don’t have power, or if you have it, pretend you don’t. A teacher tries to be “just friends” with her students. A committee chair gives a committee member too many chances to get something done. A therapist fails to assess the effectiveness of the therapeutic process. A CEO doesn’t hold the employees accountable.

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The second way is to learn about the effects of power so that you can notice and mediate them by using or responding to positional power with wisdom and skill, whether you are up-power or down-power.

So, what are these effects, and what kind of self-reinforcing loop do these effects create?

  1. Social distance. This stance allows people, especially those in up-power positions, to see the whole project or situation and to make good and often tough global decisions knowing they can’t please everyone. The shadow impacts of social distance, however, are many and harmful. Those with greater power can and are likely to dehumanize those down-power to them by seeing them as objects that are expendable and can be manipulated and exploited. In doing so, those up-power persons become less empathic, less interdependent, and less collaborative.
  2. Freedom to act without interference. This effect causes those with greater power to be impulsive, unconstrained, inappropriate with touch, more aggressive, less vigilant, and less aware of their impact. They ignore, fail to respond to, or punish those who offer negative feedback.
  3. Moral hypocrisy. Increased power causes leaders to have stricter standards for others than for themselves and to stick to the rules regardless of whether they have negative or positive impacts. They also shift the blame for their mistakes and misuses of power onto others with lower power.
  4. Approach orientation. Up-power individuals take actions that prioritize their needs and act freely on their whims. Those with lower power have an avoidance orientation. They take actions aimed at avoiding punishment or loss and at placating the leader.
  5. Role identification. Leaders tend to identify with their increased power as if it were their personal power rather than added-on role power that comes with responsibilities for care and effectiveness. Such a misunderstanding of who they truly are results in a deep disconnection from empathic, respectful, and sustainable relationships.

Not surprisingly, the attitudes and behaviors resulting from the effects of greater power create a self-reinforcing loop of exploitation and abuse. Those in down-power roles, by becoming more and more vulnerable and disempowered, are led to focus on being more passive and avoidant or, on the other hand, more resistant and provocative. They disown their personal power, or they become lightning rods by taking actions against misuses of power that can cost them their jobs or their integrity. Read the paper or look at the news and you can see this destructive and harmful loop on a global scale. Look inside most organizations, even small ones, and you will likely find some version of these shadow impacts of power, even on people with good intentions.

The horrific way that power’s shadow plays itself out in the world would have those who want to be helpful and leave the world a better place running away from power. However, as much as anything else, we need people who say yes to their role power and learn to use it wisely and well. Accepting leadership and role power is not for the faint of heart. Doing so takes courage and skill.

Here’s the good news. By understanding these normal effects of power, we can bring them out of the shadows and into the light. When we shine a light on them, we can choose to take action to mediate or decrease the negative impacts. Taking such action is important for leaders, because those who have up-power roles have much greater responsibility for the health of their differentiated power relationships. It is also important for the many times we are in down-power roles, since it is liberating and strategic to understand the shadow effects of increased power.

We thus have the stunning opportunity to change Lord Acton’s insight from power always corrupts to power can corrupt. Understanding, vigilance, and skill can prevent power differences from becoming abusive and keep relationships healthy.

The best antidote for the negative impacts of power is staying in or returning to right relationship. My experience is that right relationship has two aspects. Both have to do with empathy. One is staying in empathic connection with the people who are in down-power roles. The other is having and maintaining a vision or mission that is larger than egotistic self-interest, fear, and the need for control. This vision is driven by compassion for being in right relationship with society.

Here are a few stories of leaders staying connected with—or in one case disconnected from—their hearts.

Miley Cyrus, in an interview, talked about her newfound awareness that she has a lot of power and influence and that she can choose how to use it: “I didn’t realize my power. … Wherever I go everybody’s sitting there talking about me. … And I thought … instead of using it as a negative, how can I use it as a positive? If I’m going to be speaking this loud, what am I trying to scream at the world? … It’s kind of a wake-up.” Miley is now launching a campaign to urge her fans to donate to a center for homeless youth (“People in the News,” Boulder Daily Camera: 8/26/14).

Livingston Armytage works as a consultant to large organizations such as the World Bank. He has a lot of positional power that could easily keep him far away from the daily lives of the people his work affects. He and his wife Miyako keep in touch with these people by finding ways that they can develop a personal relationship with children they meet in their work and travels. They foster and support children, preferably girls, to attend school and university in countries such as Nepal and Cambodia.

One hundred fifty years ago, the Colorado militia spent a month looking for Arapahoe Indians on the warpath. They didn’t find any. The commanding officer was convinced that the Indians were armed and dangerous. A lone Arapahoe carrying a white flag and bearing a letter from the chiefs asking for peace came to the fort. A captain let him in and questioned him. “Weren’t you afraid you would be killed?” the captain asked. “I knew I would be killed,” the messenger responded, “but white people always look in our pockets, and my message of peace was more important than my life.” The captain was so moved by the man’s courage and dedication to peace that he changed his mind about Indians and did all he could to convince his commander to call off the hunt.

The commanding officer exhibited behaviors described above as the shadow effects of power. He had dehumanized the Indians, he was driven by his selfish desire to win an upcoming election to the Senate, he knew he could act without interference, and so he engaged in moral hypocrisy by demanding that only the Indians be unarmed in encounters. Experiencing the courage of one Indian brought the captain back into a relationship that changed his heart, his convictions, and his actions. It is a great tragedy that his influence didn’t change the outcome of the egregious Sand Creek Massacre, in which several hundred unarmed Indian men, women, and children were killed and mutilated.

I remember that just before he took office, President Obama talked about what he would miss most. What he was most worried about was that he would no longer be able to walk into a coffee shop, sit down, and talk with the people there. He was aware that the huge power difference that goes with the office of the president would automatically distance him from ordinary citizens and keep him surrounded by people who would feed him particular or well-funded points of view or by those who did not want to risk their status by giving him critical feedback. What a challenge to be able to take the pulse of reality!

Even leaders known for their good works, such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Mikhail Gorbachev, struggled with shadow and limitations. Working with power compassionately and skillfully is personally challenging. However, understanding and mediating the shadow effects of power by staying in touch with our greater vision, and with our connectedness with the humanity and dignity of those in our care, will have ever-expanding benefits.

The shadow effects pull us as leaders away from being in right relationships. Right relationships are those in which we hold our role power with responsibility, clarity, accountability, and authority. We also maintain our power with heart through empathy, compassion, nondefensiveness, collaboration, and humility. The formula might be standing in our strength while staying in our hearts.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.