There is an abundance of information about how anxiety impacts our health—mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Anxiety can cause periods of panic, feelings of fear or overwhelm, and a general sense of unease and tension. It can take over your thoughts and bleed into many areas of your life. Have you considered how anxiety destroys relationships with those closest to you?

If you are feeling a strain on your relationship, anxiety may be playing a role. Could your anxiety (or your partner’s) be putting your relationship at risk?

Here’s how and why anxiety destroys relationships, and what you can do to stop it.

1. Anxiety breaks down trust and connection …

Anxiety causes fear or worry that can make you less aware of your true needs in a given moment. It can also make you less attuned to the needs of your partner. If you’re worried about what could be happening, it’s difficult to pay attention to what is happening. When you feel overwhelmed, your partner may feel as though you aren’t present.

… so train your brain to live in the moment. If you notice a fear or concern that causes your thoughts to stray from the facts or the present moment, pause and think about what you know (as opposed to what you don’t know). Calm down before you act. You can make purposeful steps to build trust in your partner. Share openly when you’re feeling worried, and consciously reach out to your partner (physically or verbally) when you might normally withdraw or attack in fear.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Minneapolis, MN or find a therapist closer to you.

2. Anxiety crushes your true voice, creating panic or procrastination …

Someone who tends to be anxious may have trouble expressing his or her true feelings. It also may be difficult to keep reasonable boundaries by asking for the attention or space that is needed.

Since experiencing anxiety is uncomfortable, subconsciously you may try to postpone the experience of it. On the other hand, anxiety can cause you to believe that something must be talked about immediately, when in fact a short break may be beneficial.

If you don’t express what you truly feel or need, anxiety becomes stronger and anxiety destroys relationships. Plus, your emotions may eventually spiral out of control if you keep them in. You may become overwhelmed and defensive.

… so acknowledge your feelings sooner rather than later. A feeling or concern doesn’t have to be a disaster in order for it to be addressed. Approach your partner with kindness, so that you’re neither procrastinating nor panicking. Also, find time on your own to unpack some of the thoughts or fears circulating in your mind; they are draining your time and energy.

3. Anxiety causes you to behave selfishly …

Because anxiety is an overactive fear response, someone experiencing it may at times focus too much on his or her own concerns or problems.

Your worries and fears may be putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship. You may feel like you need to worry in order to protect yourself in your relationship, but it might be keeping you from being compassionate and vulnerable with your partner.

If your partner experiences anxiety, you may build up resentment and react in selfish ways as well. The attitudes and perspectives that we have are contagious. Keeping your stress levels under control is especially hard when your partner is feeling anxious, upset, or defensive.

… so attend to your needs, not your fears. When you notice yourself becoming fearful or defensive, take a moment to consider the compassion that you have for yourself and your partner. Clearly ask for the support you need to feel loved and understood. Apologize for letting anxiety make you self-absorbed.

4. Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance …

A healthy form of worry will tell you “something isn’t right”; it comes via that quick pull at your heart or that tight feeling in your stomach. This signal helps you act, such as when you speak up for someone who is being treated poorly.

Unhealthy levels of anxiety make you feel as though an emotional “rock” is in your stomach almost all the time. Anxiety causes you to reject things that are not dangerous and avoid things that might benefit you. It also can stop you from taking healthy action to change things in your life that are hurting you because it makes you feel hopeless or stuck.

… so practice being uncomfortable. You don’t need to either ignore or obsess over an uncomfortable thought. Take constructive action if you can. Sometimes your partner just needs you to be present with his or her feelings, and sometimes you need to offer that same gift to yourself. You can show your presence to your partner with soft eyes or a soft touch, and be present for yourself with a calming breath.

5. Anxiety robs you of joy …

Experiencing joy requires a sense of safety or freedom. Anxiety makes us feel either fearful or limited. Also, a brain and body trained to stress may have a much harder time enjoying sex and intimacy. Negative thoughts and fears impact a person’s ability to be present within a relationship, potentially sucking the joy out of a moment.

… so don’t take yourself too seriously. You can use your sense of humor to overcome anxiety. Remember to laugh and play with your partner. Joy physically heals and comforts your brain in ways that are vital for a healthy relationship.

As Anxiety Weakens, Your Relationship Strengthens

Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts your relationships, you can create positive change within a relationship dynamic.

A therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment can help you further understand anxiety and help you stop harming yourself and your relationship.

Trying to figure out why your partner/spouse left you can become the bane of your existence. Even if there appears on the surface to be an obvious and uncomfortable reason, your brain will search for answers that feel satisfying and rational.

The truth is that there are probably a million reasons for his or her departure, but the one you choose to believe will set the tone for your perspective, attitude, and experience going forward.

For example, it’s typically easier to digest the idea that you and your partner “grew apart” than it is to consider the possibility that he or she fell out of love with you. The first reason is practical and plausible; the latter can be a devastating blow to the heart and ego.

You may never get the answer you are looking for from your partner, but there are several common reasons why someone leaves a relationship. Below are the top five reasons for leaving that I hear about while working with divorcing couples in my therapy practice.

Reasons Partners Leave

1. Your partner wasn’t in love with you anymore. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. You could argue that all long-term relationships lose their spark, but falling out of love usually is code for “I’m done here.” While there are cases in which couples fall back in love, most often it’s hard to renew this emotional connection.

How to cope: As hard as it is, try not to take this personally. Remember that people fall in and out of love all the time, and you probably don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you deeply anyway. Heal your ego and your heart first, and then see where you stand with your emotions.

2. Your partner felt like you became more like a sibling than a partner. Many committed relationships and marriages, particularly those that start at a young age, turn from romantic to familial. [fat_widget_right]These are couples that “grow up” together and then “grow apart.” Husbands become brotherly, and wives become sisterly, until it just feels too weird to be romantic. These are hard situations because there is still a strong emotional connection, but no physical connection. Many people choose to stay in these kinds of marriages, but for many, giving up romance and sex is just not an option.

How to cope: If this is the reason for your divorce or breakup, you probably had a good go of it. The relationship was most likely very comfortable and “good” in many ways, but trust that you will rekindle some of your romantic spark and realize that your marriage was unfulfilling. Cherish what you had, and work on closing that chapter as you prepare for the next.

3. Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you under-appreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

4. Your partner met someone else. This is often the most painful reason for a leaving, but it’s also sometimes the easiest to accept. The message is so strong and clear when there is infidelity. Infidelity can severely strain a relationship and the people involved unlike opaque reasons such as boredom or lack of compatibility. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Cheating partners often don’t even want to work on saving the relationship or marriage, increasing levels of frustration and hurt.

How to cope: Try not to take too much of a righteous or moral stance. The reasons for affairs are very “gray” and multilayered. It’s easy to get trapped in black-and-white thinking, but you will need to expand your concept of the situation to truly heal.

5. Your partner doesn’t have anything in common with you anymore. This always seems like something that can be worked on or fixed, but when two people live separate lives, they can eventually grow too far apart. This happens slowly and mysteriously until, one day, there are no common interests and someone gets bored and wants to move on. In many cases, there were no common interests to start with, making coming back together even harder.

How to cope: This is a great opportunity and time to ask yourself what you want to do with your time and how you want to live. As hard as it can be to lose your partner, there probably is some part of you that shut down or got lost in the relationship. Rediscover that now.

Coping with the end of a relationship can be difficult on many levels. There is no shame in seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist if you need or want it.

For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

Why Narcissistic People Use the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

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Emotional Maturity of a Typical Narcissistic Person

The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with a friend in the sandbox because the friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with the friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with someone else. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel may feel confused, rejected, and may not understand why they can’t share. He or she just wanted to build a sand castle together.

Because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance, a false sense of control is nurtured. Often, the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologizes for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (the target may have set a limit or asserted a boundary against emotional abuse, for example). Sometimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when his or her partner presents an ultimatum or attempts resolution requiring compromise. The person with narcissism may prefer to end the relationship and start over rather than be in a position of potential abandonment. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understands that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.

The healing process can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that did not really exist and was one-way in favor of the ego-massaging person with narcissism. The minute the partner disagrees with the narcissistic person or asserts his or her healthy boundaries, the narcissistic person deploys an arsenal of abuse tactics. The silent treatment is a favorite weapon.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less.

Discussions about coming out typically deal with telling the parents. That makes sense, especially for young people still living at home. However, siblings play a role in the process as well: they can help ease the way or contribute to the conflict. They may have issues of their own stemming from a sibling’s coming out. No matter the situation, these issues should be acknowledged.

There are many factors that may determine how siblings react to your coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender: their age, their relationship with you, maturity level, parental influence, religious views, and so on. In general, if you were close before, you will probably remain close. Your sibling may even have guessed already, or maybe you told him or her first. The sibling may take your side if your parents give you a hard time. Even if the sibling is much younger than you, his or her support may be very meaningful.

On the other hand, if the relationship was not good to begin with, siblings can make the experience all that much harder. Old jealousies or resentments may have new fuel. There is a new vulnerability that the sibling can choose to take advantage of. In cases where parents are accepting of who you are, such a sibling may be even more enraged and do everything he or she can to make your life miserable.

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When you come out, your life changes—hopefully for the better, but in some challenging ways, too. The life of a sibling can also change as a result of having a LGBT brother or sister. Sometimes siblings are pressured to take sides. In some families, they may be forced to play peacekeeper. They bear witness to anger, disappointment, fears, and criticisms that may fly back and forth. If they are of school age, they may be the butt of jokes, bullying, or even hatred. Parents and the LGBT child may be so wrapped up in their own problems that the sibling issues aren’t addressed.

When you come out, your life changes—hopefully for the better, but in some challenging ways, too. The life of a sibling can also change as a result of having a LGBT brother or sister.

Many of these issues may occur even when you and your siblings are adults when you come out. The relationship issues you had as kids may never have been resolved. Old rivalries may be stirred up, and the chance to be the “good” child may be too strong to resist. In addition, adult siblings may have to deal with the feelings and reactions of a romantic partner and/or children. If the partner’s feelings differ from the sibling’s, it could cause conflict in the relationship. The adult sibling may feel protective of older parents, sympathy or empathy for his or her brother or sister, sadness over the rift between the parents and the newly out sibling, and so on. These feelings may be subconscious, making them even harder to work with.

Naturally, there are families in which both the parents and the siblings are loving and accepting of their LGBT family member. That is, of course, the best-case scenario, an ideal outcome of coming out. When this is not your situation, however, here are some things to remember:

• Acknowledge any support you get from siblings in coming out. Share your gratitude.
• Regardless of what your relationship is like, know that your siblings may be affected by your decision.
• Be aware of how your relationship may affect a sibling’s attitude. If the relationship is poor, you may think you don’t care what the sibling thinks. But he or she can abuse this new knowledge to “out” you to the rest of the family, friends, or school when you aren’t ready.
• Don’t use your sibling as the middle person between you and your parents. Let your sibling act (or not act) on his or her own.
• Give your sibling a chance to share his or her experiences. Try to be sympathetic and offer support, regardless of his or her level of support for you.
• Remember that if a sibling is young, he or she might have questions or be confused. Talk about it. Be as open as is age-appropriate. And, hard as it may be, try not to bad-mouth your parents. Your sibling needs them.

No matter what your relationship with your siblings is like, your decision to come out is likely to affect them—and, more than likely, your relationships with them. Being aware of this, and being prepared to handle it, can help your coming-out process go as smoothly as possible.

Even those in emotionally healthy homes are feeling the strain of so much togetherness at this time of uncertainty and social distancing. But for some, this is their worst nightmare. Distance is the primary strategy for many victims of domestic violence.

Now that a large portion of Americans have been asked to stay home to fight the spread of the novel coronavirus, many victims are finding themselves trapped with their emotional, sexual, or physical abuser. While there are no easy answers to this very complicated situation, I have listed some tips to try to address the issue. If you are concerned but not sure if abuse is happening in your home, learn more about abuse here.

What to Do If You’re Stuck at Home with an Abusive Partner or Family Member

1. Seek shelter with someone else.

If possible and safe, find an excuse to stay with another close family member or friend. Maybe they need help with working from home or with their children. Maybe your kids need a play date with another child. Maybe you need to take food to someone who can’t cook for themselves. Find a reason to get out, at least for a while.

2. Stay prepared.

Hide an extra car key, jacket, credit card, and walking shoes. Keep your phone charged. If things escalate, you need a way to leave. Planning ahead is essential because when you are under pressure with adrenaline pumping though your brain, you may not be able to think as clearly.

3. Avoid escalating things with the abuser.

Many arguments escalate faster (and may become violent more quickly) when a victim tries to explain themselves. Let the abuser believe false things about you, i.e., “You always…,” “You never…,” “You think that…,” “You didn’t keep your word about…,” “I always give you…” “I do everything for you, you don’t…,” etc. Let them see you incorrectly, at least for the time you are stuck at home.

Editor’s note: If your abuser has ever been violent, or you think they may become violent, this is not a suggestion to allow or put up with harm. If you are in danger, leave the situation and/or seek help from someone you trust as soon as you judge it safe to do so.

4. Don’t seek resolution.

Remember this won’t be the last fight. Often abusers rope victims in to arguments threatening that “This is the last fight, or…”. You will most likely have this argument again. If they threaten to leave or divorce, remember they will probably say it again in the future. This won’t be the last argument. Allow the tension to not be resolved. Don’t chase them to “understanding” you or your perspective.

5. Reach out to people you can trust.

Tell people who care about you. This is the time to reach out to those who love you. If you don’t have trusted friends and family, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Many therapists are also offering phone or Skype sessions during this crisis. Some counselors are even offering discounted therapy sessions during the pandemic. Search for a trustworthy therapist here.

6. Practice self-care.

Take care of your emotions. Exercise, listen to music, play video games, go for walks, garden, do creative projects, or join online groups. Your feelings are legitimate. You are not overreacting.

7. Avoid being trapped.

Try not to be stuck in a car with the abuser. Try to avoid confined places where you can’t leave.

8. Don’t let your abuser pull you back in to arguing.

When you stop responding in an argument, don’t get pulled back in by, “See, you don’t care, you’re just walking away,” “There you go giving up on us,” “Come back here, I’m not done talking to you,” or “See, you’re not interested in resolving this!” Walk away anyway. Don’t explain why.

9. Remember the abuse is not your fault.

Remember an abuser isn’t abusive because they don’t understand you or the facts, they are abusive because of who they are. And no matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, you can’t change them.

10. Get help if you feel threatened.

Go to a neighbor’s home or call 911 or trusted local law enforcement if you feel threatened. There are many domestic violence safe houses that can pick you up and keep you safe from your abuser and help you with legal issues like restraining orders.

You Deserve Compassion, So Give Some to Yourself

Remember to be kind to yourself. You did not cause anyone to treat you in an abusive way. You deserve respect and safety no matter how you have reacted in the past.

Don’t hold anything over your own head. You are not to blame for someone else’s behavior.

In the years following the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, media reports of veteran violence began accumulating. Formerly social and kind people returned from war angry, and often violent. Rates of domestic violence among former combatants surged. Some veterans killed their partners or families. Many people were shocked, but the truth is that research has long linked PTSD to feelings of anger, and even violent aggression. People with PTSD may be angry about the trauma they survived or feel helpless or out of control.

In the popular imagination, posttraumatic stress (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder. Many envision people who cannot leave their homes, who are easily triggered into fear or panic attacks. Anger, though, is a common symptom of PTSD—so common, in fact, that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) specifically lists anger as a common emotional reaction among people with PTSD. Feelings of anger can make it difficult to get support from loved ones. A person who feels angry or out of control may feel guilty or ashamed, intensifying the isolation of experiencing trauma.

Even when loved ones want to be supportive, they may not fully understand the severity of the trauma, leaving trauma survivors feeling as if their suffering has been ignored or forgotten.

The Link Between Anger and PTSD

Trauma can be deeply isolating. Loved ones may not understand the trauma or may react inappropriately. For example, rape survivors frequently report being interrogated about their own behavior, while returning soldiers say that civilians are often eager to ask about violent combat experiences. Even when loved ones want to be supportive, they may not fully understand the severity of the trauma, leaving trauma survivors feeling as if their suffering has been ignored or forgotten. This can trigger anger, distrust of others, and related emotions.

Trauma itself may also cause feelings of anger. For example, a birthing person abused by a doctor may be angry both about the abuse and about losing a more positive birth experience. A child abuse survivor may have overwhelming feelings of anger directed at their abuser.

Sometimes a person’s feelings of anger are complicated. A returning solider might be angry about politicians who do not understand war, while also feeling proud about their service. An adult child abuse survivor may love their parents but be very angry about the abuse they suffered. These mixed emotions can make it difficult to manage feelings of anger and rage. In some cases, a person might feel like their anger is unacceptable or be unable to articulate why they feel angry or at whom.

How Anger Complicates PTSD Symptoms

Spending time with an angry person can be difficult. The friends and family of people struggling with PTSD-related anger may eventually grow tired of dealing with mood swings or angry outbursts. They may experience compassion fatigue or even end their relationship with their loved one. This can intensify feelings of alienation and anger.

People with anger from PTSD may feel both ashamed of their emotions and entitled to them. This challenging cocktail makes it difficult to talk about how they feel or to try new coping strategies. For example, when a person feels righteously indignant about being abused, they may not want to try meditation or other coping skills. After all, the thinking goes, they shouldn’t have to have experienced trauma, and shouldn’t be the one stuck coping with the after-effects. While these feelings make perfect sense, they can also be quite self-defeating.

Research has also uncovered a correlation between PTSD, anger, and other mental health conditions. A 2014 analysis, for example, found that 30.3% of people with intermittent explosive disorder (IED) also have PTSD, compared to 14.3% in the general population. When a person presents with a secondary condition, such as depression or IED, their PTSD may go unnoticed and untreated. This prolongs their suffering and may cause them to drop out of treatment, especially when they do not see results.

Other Symptoms That May Co-Occur with Anger

The hallmarks of PTSD include persistently reliving memories or experiences associated with the trauma, such as in dreams, flashbacks, or emotions during the day. People with PTSD also may avoid stimuli associated with the trauma, and experience depression, sadness, anxiety, and anger.

People who experience PTSD-related anger are more likely to experience certain other symptoms, such as:

• Relationship problems, including disruptions in marriages and relationships with children.
• Feelings of isolation, especially when a person with PTSD wants support but has difficulty controlling their anger around other people.
• Physical health problems related to anger, including headaches, chronic pain, and even cardiovascular health issues.
• Legal problems, particularly if they act out aggressively or self-medicate with illegal substances.

Getting Help for PTSD-Related Anger

PTSD can disrupt a person’s life and relationships. It can make them feel hopeless and even suicidal. But no one has to live with the aftereffects of trauma forever. PTSD is highly treatable. Some strategies that can help include:

• Therapy. Therapy gives an outlet and offers a compassionate ear. Certain types of therapy, including exposure therapy, can help with many symptoms of PTSD. Therapeutic methods that help a person better control their emotions, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may ease anger.
• Support groups. PTSD can be deeply isolating. Support groups, especially those that cater to people with similar experiences, offer reassurance, companionship, and practical support.
• Medication. No specific medication is approved for the treatment of PTSD, but certain drugs may help ease symptoms like anxiety and depression.
• Education. People who understand that their anger is a normal reaction to trauma, but also that this reaction is treatable, may feel more hopeful.
• Lifestyle changes. Some people find relief from exercise, a healthier diet, or pursuing a new hobby, especially when these choices restore a sense of agency.
• Social support. People with PTSD need support from loved ones. It’s especially important that loved ones not diminish their feelings, tell them how to feel, mock them for their emotions, or shame them for not healing fast enough.
• Complementary treatments. Massage, acupuncture, and other complementary therapies may help some people with PTSD. These modalities can be particularly effective at easing the physical symptoms of PTSD, such as chronic pain and sleep disturbances.

A person may have to experiment with treatment options or therapists before they find what works for them. This persistence can be challenging for someone who is already in pain. Friends and family should offer support, research treatment best practices, and remind their loved one that there is hope.

As with all mental health diagnoses, it is important to note that PTSD, even PTSD that causes intense anger, does not make violence inevitable. People with mental health conditions are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. Stigmatizing mental health issues can deter treatment, especially when people are dismissed as violent or needlessly angry.

Find a compassionate therapist who understands the many complex emotions a person with PTSD faces here.

References:

1. Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (U.S.). (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (U.S.)
2. Mental health myths and facts. (2017, August 29). Retrieved from https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/mental-health-myths-facts
3. Morris, D. J. (2014, April 17). PTSD contributes to violence. Pretending it doesn’t is no way to support the troops. Slate. Retrieved from https://slate.com/technology/2014/04/ptsd-and-violence-by-veterans-increased-murder-rates-related-to-war-experience.html
4. Reardon, A. F., Hein, C. L., Wolf, E. J., Prince, L. B., Ryabchenko, K., & Miller, M. W. (2014). Intermittent explosive disorder: Associations with PTSD and other Axis I disorders in a US military veteran sample. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 28(5), 488–494. doi: 10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.05.001

Over 17 million adults in the United States had at least one major depressive episode in 2017 (National Institute of Mental Health, 2019). Globally, more than 264 million people of all ages experience depression (World Health Organization, 2020).

In the United States, major depressive episodes are more common among adult women (8.7%) than adult men (5.3%). At 13.1%, young adults, aged 18-25, had the highest rate of major depressive episodes (National Institute of Mental Health, 2019).

As our understanding of mental health increases, we are beginning to look at how the environment of our parents and grandparents influences our own health and the health of our offspring. This knowledge is based on new research that investigates the epigenetic processes which regulate how the environment affects the expression of genes that relate to mental health generally and to depression in particular (Sun et al., 2013).

As our understanding of mental health increases, we are beginning to look at how the environment of our parents and grandparents influences our own health and the health of our offspring.

Environmental Impacts of Depression: Past and Present

Mental illness is incredibly complex and is influenced by a host of biological, chemical, and environmental factors. Depression, for example, is much more than low mood, negative thoughts, or a chemical imbalance in the brain. When we look at the biological component of depression, we see just how powerfully environment may determine our vulnerability to developing depression and how these environmental effects occur and accumulate over the generations.

We know childhood abuse and neglect can have lifelong impacts on the health and well-being of the child. But what about looking into the environment of our ancestors? We are beginning to understand how our parents’ and grandparents’ environment impacts our own and our children’s mental health.

Epigenetics, in its simplest meaning, refers to the stable changes in gene expression without modification of the DNA sequence. In the context of depression, these changes are often triggered by severe stress, and they can result in an increased vulnerability in the brain’s limbic regions (Nestler, 2014). The limbic regions of the brain are implicated in depression, as they are involved in emotion regulation, self-preservation, and the desire to procreate (Pandya et al., 2012). These changes in gene expression can be passed down from parents to offspring. However, the exact process of how this happens is still largely mysterious (Kaneshiro et al., 2019).

While the mechanism of transmission is not clear, the results of environmental exposure to risk factors for depression are measurable. We now know that the stress of our parents and grandparents can cause increased vulnerability to depression in ourselves and our children. The vulnerability to depression can be passed down through generations. This is true even though we may not have experienced early abuse, trauma, or neglect.

Change in Both Directions: How Environment Can Nurture

Epigenetic changes can also occur because of positive experiences such as supportive, healthy relationships and learning opportunities. Good physical health also influences gene expression in a positive way. Having access to nutritious food and a healthy lifestyle may also have a protective effect on mental health.

Even in adulthood, our brain continually changes with experience. For example, chronic anxiety resulting from early adverse childhood experiences can be improved by stress-reduction interventions (Hölzel et al., 2010). For adults, living in a healthy environment without prolonged exposure to severe stress can have a real impact on increasing resilience and reducing a person’s vulnerability to developing a mental health issue.

If we provide a healthy, nurturing environment with supportive relationships for our children, we can improve their resilience against developing depression. A healthy diet and exercise are included as part of an optimal environment for children. (According to researchers, a healthy diet, especially for growing infants and children, does not mean a fat-free diet. Fat is essential for neurological development and brain function (Milner & Allison, 1999).)

Therapy Can Improve Resilience

Part of moving toward a healthy lifestyle can include working with a therapist who incorporates cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is an individualized process that has been shown to be effective for reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. CBT works on negative and unrealistic thought patterns and unhelpful behaviors. Additionally, therapy is a supportive relationship that allows for the healing of underlying issues that may be causing distress. Therapy and CBT can lead to improvements in mood and reduction in stress that will reduce anxiety and, over time, lead to improvements in brain areas associated with depression.

In summation, our environment, even the environment of our parents and grandparents, has an important impact on our mental health. It is important to understand that when you take care of yourself and your children, you are not only improving your own health—you may also be improving the lives and health of future generations who have not even been born yet.

References:

1. Depression. (2020, January 30). World Health Organization (WHO). Retrieved from https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression
2. Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Evans, K. C., Hoge, E. A., Dusek, J. A., Morgan, L., Pitman, R. K., & Lazar, S. W. (2010). Stress reduction correlates with structural changes in the amygdala. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 5(1), 11-17. doi: 10.1093/scan/nsp034
3. Kaneshiro, K. R., Rechtsteiner, A., & Strome, S. (2019, March 20). Sperm-inherited H3K27me3 impacts offspring transcription and development in C. elegans. Nature Communications, 10(1271). Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-019-09141-w
4. Major depression. (2019). National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml
5. Milner, J. A., & Allison, R. G. (1999). The role of dietary fat in child nutrition and development: Summary of an ASNS workshop. The Journal of Nutrition, 129(11), 2094-2105. doi: 10.1093/jn/129.11.2094
6. Nestler, E. J. (2014). Epigenetic mechanisms of depression. JAMA Psychiatry, 71(4), 454-456. doi: 10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.4291
7. Pandya, M., Altinay, M., Malone, D. A., & Anand, A. (2012). Where in the brain is depression?. Current Psychiatry Reports, 14(6), 634-642. doi: 10.1007/s11920-012-0322-7
8. Sun, H., Kennedy, P. J., & Nestler, E. J. (2013). Epigenetics of the depressed brain: Role of histone acetylation and methylation. Neuropsychopharmacology, 38(1), 124-137. doi: 10.1038/npp.2012.73

Anxiety is a mental health condition, so it may seem logical to assume it primarily involves mental or emotional symptoms, not physical ones. But anxiety often also involves somatic symptoms, or symptoms felt in the body. In fact, some people may experience more physical symptoms than emotional ones.

Anyone who’s ever felt nervous can likely name many common physical symptoms, including:

• Shaking or trembling
• Flushed skin
• Increased sweating
• Nausea
• Pounding heart

But people living with chronic anxiety issues, including panic, phobias, general anxiety, or social anxiety, may experience more persistent symptoms, even when they don’t have any reason to feel nervous.

These symptoms can resemble those of serious health conditions, and some people may not recognize the nature of their distress. They may worry instead they have heart trouble, chronic migraines, or other health issues. Accordingly, these physical symptoms may not only cause immediate distress, they also often contribute to long-term confusion and stress around the true cause of symptoms.

Learning more about anxiety’s physical effects on the body can help make anxiety more recognizable to people dealing with physical symptoms.

Learning more about anxiety’s physical effects on the body can help make anxiety more recognizable to people dealing with physical symptoms.

Seven Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety can cause plenty of physical complaints, so people living with anxiety could notice the following physical signs, in addition to mental health symptoms.

1. Anxiety and dizziness

Dizziness often arises as a symptom of anxiety. You might feel:

• Lightheaded
• Off-balance, particularly in crowded areas or open spaces
• As if you’re spinning or swaying from side to side

The relationship between anxiety and dizziness can go both ways, creating a feedback loop. People who worry about losing their balance, falling, or losing control in a public place may become anxious whenever they feel dizzy, and one symptom may worsen the other.

Research from the Academy of Neurologic Physical Therapy suggests this happens when the vestibular system, which helps regulate sensations of movement in your environment and the position of your body, interacts with the limbic system, which helps regulate emotional experiences.

These fears can lead many to cope by avoiding activities likely to cause one or both symptoms, including physical activity or experiences likely to provoke anxiety or stress. This can have a negative impact on quality of life over time.

2. Anxiety and chest pain

Chest pain is one anxiety symptom that often causes alarm, especially when pain accompanies a rapid increase in heart rate and shortness of breath. These symptoms, of course, can also suggest a heart attack, so many people who experience chest pain worry their symptoms are life-threatening. When seeking emergency medical care, they may feel frustrated and distressed when there’s no medical explanation for their pain and heart palpitations.

But according to one study of 151 patients reporting chest pain, 59 percent had symptoms of anxiety. Research from 2006 supports the finding that people who seek emergency care for chest pain often have anxiety rather than a cardiac condition. Panic attacks, in particular, may share many similarities with an oncoming heart attack.

Someone having a heart attack, however, will most likely experience a squeezing pain that may radiate toward the jaw or left arm. Women often notice pain in their upper back or shoulders.

3. Anxiety and headaches

Experts have linked anxiety to both tension headaches and migraines. Headaches can develop as a symptom of anxiety for many reasons, including the following:

• Sleep disturbances. Insomnia and other sleep issues also commonly occur with anxiety, so many people living with anxiety don’t get enough sleep. Insufficient or disrupted sleep can trigger a migraine.
• Low serotonin. Some research suggests the neurotransmitter serotonin can help regulate emotional health. Low levels of serotonin may contribute to mental health symptoms, including anxiety. A rapid drop in serotonin levels could also narrow your blood vessels, which can lead to headaches.
• General stress. Stress can contribute to anxiety, especially when you feel overwhelmed and aren’t sure how to cope. Both stress and anxiety can cause muscles to tense up repeatedly, and lingering muscle tension often leads to head pain. But stress is also known to trigger migraines.

4. Anxiety and digestive issues

Persistent gastrointestinal distress often occurs as a physical symptom of anxiety. Medical research suggests this happens because of the connection between the brain and the gut. Nerves shared by the gut and the brain can interact with each other and have a negative impact on normal bodily processes.

Most people have experienced stomach “butterflies” or nausea when nervous or worried about something. But people living with chronic anxiety might notice more serious issues, such as:

• Chronic stomach pain or cramping
• Diarrhea or vomiting
• Constipation
• Appetite changes
• Ulcers
• Worsened irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

Worries about experiencing things like vomiting or diarrhea in public can contribute to increased anxiety and emotional distress. Long-term GI distress can even make it difficult for some people to function as they usually would, which can lead to significant negative consequences for their quality of life.

5. Anxiety and breathing difficulties

Many people experience breathing problems when feeling anxious. Breathing troubles can range from hyperventilation, or very rapid breathing, to sensations of choking or feeling unable to draw a breath.

These symptoms don’t typically persist over time. They generally happen whenever a situation becomes tense or involves some fear or nervousness. Panic attacks often involve choking sensations, and it’s not uncommon to feel as if you can’t breathe. These feelings can be very frightening, and they often worsen anxiety’s emotional symptoms.

6. Anxiety and numbness

Numbness or tingling can also occur as a physical sign of anxiety. People with anxiety tend to experience this sensation, often described as pins and needles, in the hands, arms, legs, or feet.

Experts believe it happens in response to bodily arousal. Anxiety symptoms develop when the body feels threatened. In response to this perceived threat, the body redirects its resources, like blood, away from the extremities and to the more essential organs, such as the heart.

Hyperventilation can also contribute to numbness and tingling. When you hyperventilate, you end up with an excess of oxygen in your blood. This excess of oxygen means the body doesn’t have enough carbon dioxide to maintain typical processes. As a result, blood vessels constrict, and blood doesn’t flow to areas the body considers less essential, like hands and feet. Other symptoms, including head pain, increased heart rate, and dizziness can also happen in response to this lack of carbon dioxide.

7. Anxiety and chronic pain

There’s plenty of scientific evidence supporting the connection between chronic pain and anxiety.

Results of one study from 2013 found that, among 250 people living with chronic pain, 45 percent of them also had symptoms of at least one type of anxiety. The chronic pain patients who also had anxiety tended to experience greater pain and lower quality of life than those who did not have anxiety symptoms.

People with both chronic pain and anxiety often have a lower tolerance for pain and become trapped in a distressing cycle of symptoms.

People constantly in pain may:

• Feel distressed and worried about experiencing more pain
• Avoid activities that could relieve anxiety symptoms because pain makes it difficult to move around.
• Become anxious about their ability to take care of responsibilities due to pain

Long-term chronic pain has also been linked to depression. It’s not uncommon for people living with anxiety and chronic pain to also have symptoms of depression.

Long Term Effects of Anxiety

Anxiety symptoms develop because the body mistakenly believes it’s about to face a serious threat. Physical and emotional symptoms result from bodily changes known as the “fight-or-flight” response. Once the body engages in this mode, hormones enter the bloodstream at higher levels than usual, triggering those well-known symptoms of anxiety.

So, although anxiety serves an important purpose—to prepare the body to face threats in the environment—problems can develop when anxiety sends the body into fight-or-flight mode too often or the body remains in fight-or-flight mode for a long period of time, which can happen when you have trouble coping with anxiety symptoms.

Medical research has found evidence to suggest links between long-term anxiety and the following conditions:

• Heart attack and other cardiovascular issues
• High blood pressure
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and other respiratory issues

To sum up, people with anxiety, especially untreated anxiety, don’t only experience immediate physical and emotional symptoms of anxiety. They may also see a decline in overall health over time.

Can Therapy Help with the Physical Effects of Anxiety?

Just as therapy can help address the emotional impact of anxiety, it can also help people manage physical symptoms. Addressing anxiety causes and triggers will generally lead to improvement of all symptoms, physical or mental.

People who experience physical symptoms of anxiety will typically work with a therapist who helps them identify and address possible causes or triggers of anxiety. Specific types of therapy, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or exposure therapy, can help people learn to address anxiety in the moment and learn potential methods of reducing anxiety in daily life.

But therapists can also offer guidance on specific ways to address physical symptoms. These might include:

• Breathing exercises to cope with hyperventilation
• Coping skills and lifestyle remedies to manage pain or headaches
• Relaxation techniques to decrease muscle tension and pain
• Tips to better manage stress and help prevent various physical symptoms from developing

Because many physical signs of anxiety do resemble symptoms of serious health conditions, it’s always wise (and highly recommended) to talk to a doctor about any concerning physical symptoms, especially if you have any doubt about what’s causing the symptom.

This is particularly important with chest pain. Since chest pain occurs during heart attacks as well as panic attacks, it’s often best to talk to a medical professional even when you feel certain anxiety has caused the pain. Once they’ve ruled out a heart attack or similar issues, talking to a therapist can be a helpful next step.

Find a compassionate, skilled therapist at GoodTherapy today.

References:

1. Anxiety and physical illness. (2018, May 9). Harvard Women’s Health Watch. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/anxiety_and_physical_illness
2. Calm your anxious heart. (2019, October 1). Harvard Health Publishing. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/calm-your-anxious-heart
3. Chronic pain. (2016). Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/chronic-pain
4. Chronic pain sufferers likely to have anxiety. (2013, May 8). Health Behavior News Service. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/05/130508213112.htm
5. Demiryoguran, N. S., Karcioglu, O., Topacoglu, H., Kiyan, S., Ozbay, D., Onur, E., Korkmaz, T., & Demir, O. F. (2006). Anxiety disorder in patients with non-specific chest pain in the emergency setting. Emergency Medicine Journal, 23(2), 99–102. doi: 10.1136/emj.2005.025163
6. Goodman, K. (n.d.). How to calm an anxious stomach: The gut-brain connection. Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-calm-anxious-stomach-brain-gut-connection
7. Komaroff, A. L. (n.d.). The gut-brain connection. Healthbeat. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection
8. Marksberry, K. (2012, August 10). Take a deep breath. The American Institute of Stress. Retrieved from https://www.stress.org/take-a-deep-breath
9. Morris, L. O. (2015). Dizziness related to anxiety and stress. Retrieved from http://neuropt.org/docs/default-source/vsig-english-pt-fact-sheets/anxiety-and-stress-dizziness4ca035a5390366a68a96ff00001fc240.pdf?sfvrsn=80a35343_0
10. Peres, M., Mercante, J., Tobo, P. R., Kamei, H., & Bigal, M. E. (2017). Anxiety and depression symptoms and migraine: A symptom-based approach research. The Journal of Headache and Pain, 18(1), 37. doi: 10.1186/s10194-017-0742-1
11. Rajagopalan, A., Jinu, K. V., Sailesh, K. S., Mishra, S., Reddy, U. K., & Mukkadan, J. K. (2017). Understanding the links between vestibular and limbic systems regulating emotions. Journal of Natural Science, Biology, and Medicine, 8(1), 11–15. doi: 10.4103/0976-9668.198350
12. Raymond, V. (2018, February 23). Is your chest pain a heart attack or anxiety? Right as Rain by UW Medicine. Retrieved from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/well/health/your-chest-pain-heart-attack-or-anxiety
13. Schwarz, J., Prashad, A., & Winchester, D. E. (2015). Prevalence and implications of severe anxiety in a prospective cohort of acute chest pain patients. Critical Pathways in Cardiology, 14(1), 44–47. doi: 10.1097/HPC.0000000000000038
14. Woo, A. K. (2010). Depression and anxiety in pain. British Journal of Pain, 4(1), 8–12. doi: 10.1177/204946371000400103
15. Yoder, W. M. (2018, October 27). Anxiety and numbness—A typical reaction. Calm Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/numbness
16. Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018, September 7). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

Some level of picky eating is generally par for the parenting course. Children of any age might show some selectiveness about the food they eat, but parents often have the most struggles with toddlers and preschool-age children.

Most developmental picky eating will resolve itself by the time your child begins school—we have some tips below to help you manage until then.

In some cases, though, picky eating can be a symptom of something beyond an age-appropriate desire for independence. So, if your child won’t eat anything besides Cheerios or white bread and you don’t know what to do, keep reading. We’ll go over what typical picky eating looks like and offer some guidance on getting help for more serious concerns.

In some cases, picky eating can be a symptom of something beyond an age-appropriate desire for independence.

Why Are Some Kids Picky Eaters?

There are numerous reasons for picky eating, according to a large research review published in 2015. Some possible factors include:

• Being an only child
• Personality
• Maternal diet
• Increased pressure at mealtimes
• Social influences

It’s also worth noting that many children simply have a limited range of preferred tastes in early life. Developing a taste for new food is often a lengthy process, so your child may need to try a food multiple times, not just once or twice, before they’re willing to eat it on a more regular basis.

Children begin developing preferences for specific foods as they approach the preschool years. Of course, this is also when they begin to find their sense of independence. Preschoolers don’t have many opportunities to demonstrate this newfound independence, so they often choose the table as their stage. This can lead to any number of battles over food—whether the issue actually involves the food or not.

They also often lack the words to express how they really feel about certain foods. They may not want to eat something for a more specific reason than simply not liking it, but they don’t know how to tell you exactly what they think. Maybe the texture feels uncomfortable in their mouth, or they have an aversion to the smell of the food or the spice you used.

Allergies can also lead to picky eating behavior. Children with a mild allergy to a specific food may not have a serious or life-threatening reaction, but they may associate the food with any minor symptoms they experience and avoid it entirely.

Anxiety and other distress can also contribute to pickiness. Think about what you want to eat after a bad day. Everyone has preferred comfort foods: soup, macaroni and cheese, ice cream, popcorn, etc. Children experience stress and unhappiness, too, even if they don’t know how to talk about it. Confronting a new spiky green vegetable may be the last thing they want to do after a long day that left them tired, cranky, or otherwise out of sorts.

Mealtime Tips for Parents

The battle to get your child to eat may frustrate you, but you can avoid distress (for yourself and your child) by not looking at mealtime as something you need to “win.”

Keeping calm helps. If you’re frustrated or irritated with your child for wasting food or being stubborn, they’ll likely pick up on that. Sometimes, this can provide more incentive for them to push to win the argument. In the end, it boils down to control.

You might feel stressed about your child’s health or believe you’ve “failed” as a parent if you can’t get your child to eat nutritious foods. But try not to let that get to you. If they meet developmental milestones, enjoy general good health, and have energy to play, they’re probably just fine. If you do have specific concerns, your pediatrician can offer more guidance.

Try these tips to help make mealtimes easier:

Don’t force or bribe your child to eat.

This generally only creates more problems later. Offer nutritious foods in small amounts and let your child decide how much to eat.

Promising dessert after so many bites of vegetables may seem like a great way to get your child to eat those vegetables. However, this teaches children that dessert is better than everything else, an idea that can potentially contribute unhealthy eating habits later in life.

When you offer dessert, don’t make it conditional on finishing their dinner, either—this may lead children to eat more than they really need.

Don’t serve separate meals.

If your child refuses lunch, don’t offer to make them something you know they like. This just reinforces their behavior. Similarly, eat the foods you want your child to eat—at least in front of them. If you offer them a lunch of broccoli, apple slices, brown rice, and scrambled eggs while you have pizza, you may not be sending the best message.

Involve your child in food preparation.

Let your child choose vegetables and fruits at the store, then get them involved in the cooking process. You might not always succeed with this approach, but children may have more interest in trying new things when they helped create them.

Try not to get frustrated when they don’t want to take a single bite, even after helping you in the kitchen. They may be testing you, but they also might just need time. Keep calm and continue offering the new food.

Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

Children who don’t seem to grow out of picky eating, or who eat fewer foods as they grow older, may actually have an eating disorder: avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, or ARFID.

Experts aren’t fully certain what causes ARFID, but it often appears related to trauma. These children may have choked previously, had trouble eating as a baby, or experienced birth trauma or trauma in utero. They might refuse to eat new foods because they believe the food may lead to choking or other harm.

ARFID can also relate to sensory distress around the textures of specific foods. People with autism (ASD), attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), or any sensory issues may have a higher risk for ARFID.

Most children will eventually eat the food you offer them when they get hungry. But children with ARFID generally won’t eat foods besides their select “safe” food items. Mealtimes generally become very difficult for them, as they tend to experience anxiety and distress as a result of their inability to eat.

It’s generally best to seek a professional opinion if your child:

• Seems truly distressed by specific foods
• Loses weight or cannot put on weight
• Experiences pain or other stomach issues
• Has trouble sleeping or concentrating
• Feels cold or tired regularly

ARFID can have serious health consequences, since a child with a severely restricted diet likely isn’t getting the correct nutrients.

Treatment for ARFID

There’s help for picky eaters—even severely picky eaters.

A good first step is to talk to a therapist who specializes in working with children. Depending on your location, you may even be able to find a therapist who treats eating disorders in children.

Just be aware that other mental health concerns beyond ARFID, including obsessive-compulsive tendencies and other anxiety issues, can also contribute to picky eating. Your child’s therapist will start by determining what’s actually going on, since the most effective treatment generally depends on what’s causing their picky eating.

Your child’s treatment plan might include:

• Exposure therapy that gradually introduces them to new foods
• Somatic therapy (Somatic Experiencing), which can help them become accustomed to new textures without distress
• Individual counseling
• Nutrition counseling
• Group therapy or peer support

If something doesn’t seem typical about your child’s refusal to eat, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. There may be nothing serious going on, but you aren’t overreacting–even if their eating behaviors fall within the range of usual picky eating, it’s generally better to know for sure.

Begin your search for a compassionate, trained counselor at GoodTherapy today.

References:

1. Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). (n.d.). National Eating Disorders Association. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/arfid
2. Children’s nutrition: 10 tips for picky eaters. (2017, July 28). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/childrens-health/art-20044948
3. Ehmke, R. (n.d.). More than picky eating. The Child Mind Institute. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/more-than-picky-eating
4. Elliot, S. (n.d.). What exactly is ARFID? National Eating Disorders Association. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/what-exactly-arfid
5. Knopf, A. (n.d.). When picky eating is a sign of psychological distress. Bradley Hospital. Retrieved from https://www.bradleyhospital.org/when-picky-eating-sign-psychological-distress
6. Taylor, C. M., Wernimont, S. M., Northstone, K., & Emmett, P. M. (2015, December 1). Picky/fussy eating in children: Review of definitions, assessment, prevalence and dietary intakes. Appetite, 95, 349-359. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0195666315003438?via%3Dihub
7. Tips for picky eaters. (n.d.). United States Department of Agriculture. Retrieved from https://www.choosemyplate.gov/browse-by-audience/view-all-audiences/children/health-and-nutrition-information/preschoolers-picky-eating

Marriage, relationships, and love will transform over the course of a lifetime. As individuals embark on a journey together, most do not understand how much their love may change. It will be influenced by many factors over time. In this article, I will discuss five phases in which love may be shaped, tested, and transformed.

5 Stages of Love in a Committed Relationship

1. Captivation

In the beginning of a relationship, most people can attest to being captivated by the other. If reciprocated, they will most likely be in a state of infatuation, mesmerized and enthralled with one another. They may feel a strong romantic attraction. The positive is accentuated, and the negative is often overlooked. Their thinking will be preoccupied with one another, desiring to spend as much time together as possible. This time can be marked with moments that feel electric. Sparks flying. Chemistry igniting.

What’s important to note is that as exciting as it may feel, this heightened stage of electric connection will likely not last forever. The relationship will begin to transition into a new phase. Typically, this occurs between one and two years together. Although the two will undoubtedly be attracted to one another, the infatuation wanes, reality sets in, and a couple will try and make sense of what their feelings are all about.

2. Courtship

Couples are falling in love. Those hoping to marry or commit long-term will begin examining their feelings and seeking answers to poignant questions: Can I count on you? Will you be here for me when I need you? Do you really love me?

Some people in the courting phase may choose to commit, become engaged, and/or marry. Couples will test their love to discover the strength of their devotion. They will explore and experience if the other truly has their heart. This is an excellent time to take a premarital class and learn what marriage (and long-term commitment) really entails.

3. Commitment

The next phase following engagement is where a couple will solidify their commitment and/or marry. Vows may be spoken as individuals come together, sometimes in the presence of friends and family. Some wedding ceremonies still use a rendition of traditional Western vows, such as from The Book of Common Prayer, and may use some form of the following:

I take thee to have and to hold,
from this day forward,
for better for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death do us part,
according to God’s holy ordinance
and thereto, I give thee my troth.

Truth be told, most couples have no real understanding of how these vows will be tested during their marriage.

In their first year together, partners will begin to learn what it means to make the transition from “me” to “we.” Couples will be both stretched and strengthened. They are laying the foundation for a long-term commitment. A host of things may happen in this stage: friendship grows, emotional connection intensifies, and the rhythm for daily life unfolds.

The first year is smooth for some and challenging for others. If you feel like your marriage or long-term relationship is off to a rocky start, don’t wait: seek out counseling. Many couples will wait an average of 6 years before seeking help.

4. Children and Parenthood

In the next phase (for some relationships) comes children and parenthood. This transition is marked by moving from me, to we, to three. As wonderful as becoming a new parent can be, this season is marked by many unexpected variables: less sleep, more responsibilities, hormonal changes, challenges with work-life balance, less time/energy for intimacy and sex, and more conflicts as you discover all that a family of three means.

Certainly, children can be a blessing, and with each new addition, life may become richer. However, couples need to be aware that expanding the family can throw their union out of sync. Couples who enter this season of life often find it full, demanding, and taxing. Understanding the dynamics of this busy season can help you to find peace and balance.

5. Mature Love

This stage of a relationship is generally preoccupied with launching children, empty nest, retirement, physical and health challenges, and caring for aging parents. For many, if couples have a strong bond and have been emotionally attuned to one another, love may be strong. If, however, couples have not been emotionally connected, this can represent a trying time. Gray divorce is on the rise.

Reasons for an increase in gray divorce include that many couples have not been investing and working on their relationship. If couples have a strong friendship and secure emotional bond, they can work through challenges and have a fulfilling and rich marriage. Contrary to this, if couples have been overly focused on children or careers at the expense of their relationship, this can have a drastic impact. Having a healthy and happy relationship involves working on your bond throughout every new phase.

In conclusion, marriage, relationships, and love involve a series of transformations. Love is not static; it is alive and evolving. Attunement, emotional connection, and maintaining a strong friendship will most assuredly attest to a relationship’s sustainability over the course of a lifetime.

References:

1. Gaspard, T. (2015, July 23). Timing is everything when it comes to marriage counseling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling
2. Holden, H. A. (1868). Book of common prayer. Boston, MA: Little, Brown, and Company.