For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

Why Narcissistic People Use the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

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Emotional Maturity of a Typical Narcissistic Person

The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with a friend in the sandbox because the friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with the friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with someone else. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel may feel confused, rejected, and may not understand why they can’t share. He or she just wanted to build a sand castle together.

Because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance, a false sense of control is nurtured. Often, the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologizes for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (the target may have set a limit or asserted a boundary against emotional abuse, for example). Sometimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when his or her partner presents an ultimatum or attempts resolution requiring compromise. The person with narcissism may prefer to end the relationship and start over rather than be in a position of potential abandonment. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understands that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.

The healing process can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that did not really exist and was one-way in favor of the ego-massaging person with narcissism. The minute the partner disagrees with the narcissistic person or asserts his or her healthy boundaries, the narcissistic person deploys an arsenal of abuse tactics. The silent treatment is a favorite weapon.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less.

No one looks forward to rejection, but many people can weather the emotional blow and recover from it without too much difficulty. Individual factors such as resilience, social support, and self-esteem can play an important part in the ability to cope with rejection.

Rejection affects people in different ways though. Not everyone gets over it quickly or easily. In fact, some people experience what’s known as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD): a severe emotional reaction that makes it particularly challenging to deal with rejection.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria, also referred to as rejection sensitivity, isn’t considered an official diagnosis, but research increasingly suggests it involves much more than “being sensitive”.

Signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

The most telling marker of rejection sensitive dysphoria is an extreme response to real or perceived rejection. Most people may experience sadness, disappointment, or frustration after experiencing rejection. But with RSD, rejection or critique can be overwhelming enough to lead to:

• Outbursts of rage or panic
• Feelings of despair and hopelessness
• Beliefs that one has failed or disappointed their loved ones
• Feelings of shame and humiliation

Extreme rejection sensitivity can make it tough to move forward after an experience of rejection. Some people might continue thinking about the rejection throughout the day or into the next, experiencing circling thoughts or even feelings of physical discomfort. Some may also experience low self-esteem or feel frustrated with their inability to prevent the intense emotional response.

RSD doesn’t only happen in response to an actual incident of rejection. These feelings can also develop in response to behaviors they perceive to be rejection. For example, an individual may interpret an instance of friendly teasing as evidence that their friends hate them.

RSD is often mistaken for social anxiety, since both involve a fear of rejection. However, social anxiety generally happens before the experience, not after. People with RSD don’t necessarily feel distressed or uncomfortable when they interact with others, unless that interaction involves something they see as criticism or rejection.

Angry vs. Anxious Rejection Sensitivity

Rejection sensitivity can manifest in many ways. That said, it is common for symptoms to follow one of two clear patterns: high-anger RSD and high-anxiety RSD.

High-anger RSD typically involves symptoms and behaviors such as:

• Outbursts of anger or hostility
• An urge to lash out or get revenge on the person rejecting or criticizing
• Aggressive behavior, either directed at the self or others

With high-anxiety RSD, symptoms may include:

• Avoidance of situations with a possibility of rejection
• Withdrawal from others in order to avoid rejection
• Rumination, or thinking about the experience of rejection again and again

Research also suggests feelings of depression are more likely to develop in people who experience anxious rejection sensitivity. Instead of expressing distress through anger, they can direct their pain inward. These sudden drops in mood may be misdiagnosed as rapid-cycling bipolar.

Rejection Sensitivity and ADHD

Emerging research on rejection sensitivity suggests it is strongly associated with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD). RSD has also been linked to autism. Not everyone who has either condition will also experience RSD, but both conditions seem to increase the risk of RSD.

Carey Heller, PsyD, shares his thoughts: “Rejection sensitivity is often a common issue with ADHD. This is partly due to the fact that many people with ADHD struggle with emotion regulation and may feel emotions more intensely.” Emotional instability, or trouble regulating mood and emotions, affects many people living with ADHD.

In addition, people with ADHD often have trouble with behaviors that come normally to others, such as sitting still or focusing on an assignment. ADHD symptoms may cause them to miss social cues, increasing the likelihood of social friction. As a result, they often hear more criticism and correction than people who don’t have ADHD. This frequent criticism may seem like rejection of a sort, and it may contribute to feelings of shame and embarrassment that can trigger rejection sensitivity.

What’s more, hyperarousal in the brain can make it challenging for people with ADHD to differentiate smaller issues, like a phone call that wasn’t returned, from more significant types of rejection, like being dumped. Because of this, every instance of possible rejection, even a moderately raised voice, may seem more devastating and severe.

Long-term Effects of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

RSD isn’t an easy thing to live with. It can cause intense, overwhelming distress that individuals struggle to control.

Mistakes and rejection are both part of the human experience. A life without either doesn’t present much opportunity to learn or grow.

Furthermore, RSD can significantly affect quality of life, since people who fear rejection may end up avoiding all situations where it could occur. For example, they may not try to date or connect with others, even if they want to develop friendships or romantic relationships. They may stay in unfulfilling jobs because they fear getting rejected while applying for a new job or promotion. But over time, this behavior can cause feelings of frustration, dissatisfaction, or even depression.

People who respond to rejection sensitivity by trying to please everyone or developing perfectionist traits may experience frustration and distress when these measures don’t work. People pleasing can involve a loss or denial of the self, which can contribute to resentment. Mistakes and rejection are both part of the human experience. A life without either doesn’t present much opportunity to learn or grow.

Help for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection does hurt, but this pain is generally not permanent. It can also be helpful to address it in the moment by talking over the situation with the other people involved. Explicit communication can help individuals figure out when rejection is truly intended and when it is a misunderstanding.

For example, it can help to try asking a friend, “Why didn’t you return any of my text messages? I tried to get in touch with you all night. We were supposed to hang out!”

They may respond by saying, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I dropped my phone in the sink and couldn’t use it at all. Let’s hang out tomorrow instead.”

If an individual suspects they have RSD, they may want to see a mental health professional. Since RSD can resemble other mental health issues, it is important to get the correct diagnosis so that an individual gets the right treatment. Someone with bipolar will likely need a much different intervention than someone with ADHD-based rejection sensitivity.

Therapy can help individuals recognize when their RSD has been triggered. A therapist can help individuals reduce their overall stress and manage their perfectionist tendencies. Addressing these issues can make RSD episodes less frequent.

RSD often triggers an extreme response in the body’s HPA-axis, which controls the body’s stress hormone cortisol. Thus, some people use medication to address the biological aspect of RSD. Guanfacine, which is often prescribed for hyperactivity, is one of the more common medications used to address RSD. However, side effects such as sedation may make some individuals reluctant to take medication.

Would you like to learn more about rejection sensitive dysphoria? Find a qualified mental health professional today.

References:

1. Dodson W. (2019, November 26). Could you have rejection sensitive dysphoria? ADDitude. Retrieved from https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test/
2. Dodson, W. W. (2016). Emotional regulation. Attention. Retrieved from https://chadd.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/ATTN_10_16_EmotionalRegulation.pdf
3. Rejection can be more painful with ADHD. (2019, April 4). ADHD Weekly. Retrieved from https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/rejection-can-more-painful-with-adhd
4. Rejection sensitive dysphoria: What is it and how to deal with it. (2018, April 8). Retrieved from https://www.depressionalliance.org/blog/2018/04/08/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria
5. Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., & Nesdale, D. (2013). Anxious and angry rejection sensitivity, social withdrawal, and retribution in high and low ambiguous situations. Journal of Personality, 81(1). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22583003

Unrequited love is part of the human experience. At some point in life, most people will develop romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about them. A study of college students and high school students found unrequited love was 4 times as common as reciprocated, equal love. This type of one-sided love is typically more intense than a passing crush, and it often lasts longer.

Experiencing rejection after you’ve risked telling someone how you feel can cause a great deal of pain. In fact, some research has suggested pain associated with rejection causes brain activity resembles that caused by physical pain. Yet knowing unrequited love happens to most of us may not make that pain any easier to bear.

If you’ve ever loved someone who doesn’t return your feelings, you may have tried to cope by turning to your friends for support. But what happens when the object of unrequited love is a friend? Dealing with the pain of unrequited love may be even harder if you’re already close to the person you’ve fallen for. You might not understand how they can reject you when you’ve shared so much.

Over time, though, you may come to believe it’s more important to treasure the friendship you do have instead of wondering about other possibilities. If you want to sustain the friendship through the challenge of unrequited love, know that it’s often possible to do so.

Keep in mind, though, that it’s important to consider your intentions honestly. If you continue the friendship because you’re secretly hoping they’ll change their mind, you’re not honoring yourself, your friend, or your friendship. In the end, this deception can lead to more pain for you and your friend.

Why Do We Fall for Our Friends?

Developing romantic feelings for friends isn’t uncommon. Love grows over time, and strong friendships that last for years often provide numerous opportunities for intimacy to flourish.

• Friendship as a gateway to love: Many people believe a strong friendship is an essential foundation of a romantic partnership and prefer to build a friendship with potential partners first. This belief could help create a tendency to see friends as potential love interests.
• Proximity: People generally spend a lot of time with close friends. Eventually it may become difficult to imagine not seeing a particular friend often.
• Shared hobbies: Friendships often grow out of shared interests. Having multiple hobbies, interests, or other things in common with one person can make them seem even more like an ideal romantic partner.
• Mixed signals in a friendship: Some friendships are characterized by flirtatious jokes, physical affection, or other behaviors typical of romantic relationships. Mixed signals won’t “make” you fall in love with someone if attraction isn’t already there. But frequent touching or affectionate nicknames can fan the flames, so to speak, by giving the impression of a mutual interest.
• Attachment style: A 1998 study found people with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style were more likely to experience unrequited love. Attachment styles have their basis in childhood. If your primary caregiver was unpredictable with affection or met your needs inconsistently, you may grow up unconsciously reenacting that dynamic in adulthood. In other words, you may be more likely to develop romantic attraction for people who are unlikely to return your feelings.

Can Friendship Survive Rejection?

You told your friend how you feel. They apologized and said they just didn’t feel the same way, though they valued your friendship. You agreed the friendship was important and assured them you wanted to stay friends. You feel sad and hurt, but you’ve experienced rejection before and know the feelings will pass in time. In the meantime, how do you deal with frustration and pain while continuing to spend time with your friend as if nothing had happened?

First, it’s important to understand your feelings are normal. It’s normal to grieve, to feel hurt, sad, confused, or angry. But it’s also important not to direct those feelings at your friend. As long as they didn’t lie to you or lead you on, they’re simply being honest about their feelings, just as you were with yours. Your friend can’t help having platonic affection for you, just as you can’t help having romantic affection for your friend.

When your friend doesn’t return your romantic feelings, you both might struggle to deal with the situation. Yet friendships can recover from unrequited love if the situation is addressed with care and maturity. What happens next depends on both you and your friend.

Dealing with Awkwardness

Some friendships may continue but feel slightly different. You might experience some awkward interactions or occasionally feel embarrassed around each other. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault—this can happen even if you both truly want to remain friends. It may simply indicate you both need time to recover.

According to research published in Michael Motley’s Studies in Interpersonal Communications, friendships often end after a confession of unrequited love when awkwardness or embarrassment develops. To avoid awkwardness, it may help to avoid bringing up the situation once you’ve agreed you want to stay friends. Instead, move forward from it.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start.It may feel more natural to completely avoid your friend, but Motley’s research suggests friends who continue to talk and see each other are more likely to remain friends than those who stay away from each other. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t give yourself some space. Even if you don’t feel you need it, it can help to take time for healing.

Your friend might also need space. If they seem distant after you’ve told them how you feel, consider that they too may need to work through what happened. They may feel sadness or guilt and wonder how to act to prevent hurting you further. Give them some time. If you communicated daily in the past, after a few days you might send a casual message letting them know you’re there when they’re ready. Then wait for them to reach out.

On the other hand, your friendship could also bounce back right away. But this scenario can present other challenges. If your friend has a partner already or begins dating someone before you’ve fully healed from the rejection, you may feel hurt and jealous. You may end up comparing yourself to their partner, and anger or resentment can develop.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start. Open communication can also help. If this isn’t possible in your situation, try talking to another close friend or a counselor.

Tips for Moving On

If you’re struggling to get over the rejection after an extended period of time, it may be best to draw back from the friendship while you heal. It may help to interact with your friend in group settings rather than one-on-one. If you find yourself texting or calling them frequently, it may be best to take a break from contacting them.

If your friendship was characterized by affectionate gestures or flirtatiousness in the past, it’s probably better for you both to avoid this behavior, at least until your friendship has healed. Otherwise you might give your friend the impression you aren’t actually okay with remaining friends.

It is common to feel a decreased sense of self-worth or low self-esteem after rejection. Rejection can have an even more significant effect if your friend has been supportive through other instances of heartbreak. Reaching out to other loved ones can help when you’re having trouble separating the pain of rejection from your worth as a person.

Meeting new people can also help. Trying to date when you’re still recovering from rejection may not seem appealing at first. If you’re still feeling heartbroken, you may not feel ready to consider any other potential romantic partners. But dating casually—meeting someone for a short coffee date, for example—can actually help you begin to heal. Even if you plan to keep things casual, a few fun dates can distract you from what you’re feeling. It can also help you realize that you have plenty of romantic options.

Getting Help for Heartbreak

Grief and jealousy often accompany rejection and heartbreak, and it’s not always easy to cope on your own. Therapy is highly recommended when painful emotions interfere with daily life or make it hard to think about anything else. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional.

It may seem hard to believe, but you will heal in time. A therapist or counselor can support healing by helping you work through what you’re feeling in a productive way. Our therapist directory can help you find a compassionate mental health provider in your area.

References:

1. Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Allen, J. (1998, August 1). Motivations for unreciprocated love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(8), 787-796. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167298248001
2. Bringle, R. G., Winnick, T., & Rydell, R. J. (2013). The prevalence and nature of unrequited love. SAGE Open. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iupui.edu/bitstream/handle/1805/15150/2158244013492160.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
3. Davis, S. (2018, October 22). Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: An examination of its causes and how it affects adult relationships. Retrieved from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2018/10/22/anxious-ambivalent-attachment-style-an-examination-of-its-causes-and-how-it-affects-adult-relationships
4. Morain, C. (2009, January 21). Unrequited love: How to stay friends. Retrieved from https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/unrequited-love-how-stay-friends
5. Weir, K. (2012). The pain of social rejection. Monitor on Psychology, 43(4). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection

Rejection is dangerous. A broken heart is similar to a broken arm. The pain of social rejection often leads to an avalanche of emotional and cognitive consequences, but mindfulness can be an efficient healer.

I originally wrote these meditations for a work-related event with the day’s theme as “Be Present.” In the 72 hours before the event, I experienced an intense and unexpected sequence of social rejection from individuals who overlap in my personal and professional circles.

As I sent a clear and honest email about my feelings and boundaries the morning before my presentation for work, I said to myself, “The last thing I want to do is be present for pain.” I was quickly reassured by the prospect that perhaps this was the exact dose of medicine I needed.

We are social animals, hardwired for connection, belonging, and acceptance—needs that originate from our ancestral tribal roots. Personally and professionally, I’ve struggled with rejection, especially these past 3 years. And particularly as a woman with a sexual trauma history and an abusive childhood, this political climate is toxic to me.

This social rejection and attack on my person on a federal level is compounded by more usual, daily forms of rejection that never used to bother me, ones I didn’t even notice as forms of rejection: delayed answers to texts, the lack of recognition at work, the lack of likes on an Instagram photo, my husband leading with asking me if I can pick up some toilet paper before, if at all, asking me how my day went.

All this to say: When isolated moments of more intense rejection strike, such as the one before my work-related meditation workshop, I learned the degree to which I overlook assessing for rejection in my work as a therapist and the degree to which I’ve become normalized to it.

Coping with the Rejections of Daily Life

Ironically, I’m writing this article about rejection without the guarantee it will be accepted. I accept rejection is a part of the human condition, but over time and without care, rejection can erode motivation, self-esteem, and courage. I do know that when I feel rejection, mindfulness meditation is one evidenced-based coping strategy that works for me.

Science supports the relationship between rejection and brain chemistry, just as science supports the relationship between mindfulness and brain chemistry.

Science supports the relationship between rejection and brain chemistry, just as science supports the relationship between mindfulness and brain chemistry.

According to licensed psychologist Guy Winch, PhD, “Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain.”

He reports that rejection affects our intelligence, reason, and self-esteem. But mindfulness makes us less sensitive to feel rejection for its effective use in emotional regulation, because mindfulness allows individuals to focus on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings and thoughts.

Two Meditations to Help Heal the Pain of Rejection

Dr. Alexandra Martelli, the lead author of a study recently published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, found a correlation between mindfulness and reduced social distress in fMRI imaging, as researchers found there was less activation in the region of the brain associated with the inhibitory regulation of both physical and social forms of pain. I offer below two meditations that I wrote that can apply to healing the pain of rejection.

To Gain Perspective: Limited One Minute Metta Meditation

Take one deep inhale, filling your abdomen with air. Slowly exhale. Repeat two times. Repeat to yourself three times: “Like clouds, this will pass.” Take one deep inhale, filling your abdomen with air. Slowly exhale. Repeat two times.

To Be Present and Focused on the Self: Guided Metta Meditation with Visualizations 

Metta: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.”

Allow your eyes to close if you are comfortable doing so. You can take a moment here to make any adjustments to your posture that you need to make to be comfortable. Begin this exercise by making yourself feel comfortable. There is no wrong way to sit, to breathe, to be. There’s no wrong way to do this. You are here now, as yourself, in this room.

Take this time to experience a few, deliberate inhales and exhales at a pace that feels comfortable for you. As you inhale, fill your abdomen with air like you are filling a balloon. Slowly exhale. Continue breathing like this. Leave a few moments of silence.

You might imagine yourself like a snow globe that has been shaken up. Imagine that you set the snow globe down and you watch as all the little snowflakes and sparkles come to rest on the bottom. Letting everything in your body settle down and rest. Continue to experience a few, deliberate inhales and exhales at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Leave a few moments of silence.

Now, start to bring to mind your desire for clarity, calm, and healing. You might even reflect on a time when you felt particularly focused, productive, attractive, connected, confident, or accomplished. Leave a few moments of silence.

Using this intention or memory, you can start to repeat some phrases to yourself. In your mind, you can say to yourself: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.” Whenever the mind wanders, just come back to these phrases. Leave a few moments of silence.

If your mind is wandering, come back to these phrases of goodwill for yourself: “I am present. I am ready. I am able. I am worthy.” Leave a few moments of silence.

Throughout your day, you can come back to your breathing or to these phrases whenever you need them. Try to maintain some of this goodwill you have cultivated for yourself. When you are ready, you can open your eyes.

References:

1. Ireland, T. (2014, June 12). What does mindfulness meditation do to your brain?. Scientific American. Retrieved from https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/what-does-mindfulness-meditation-do-to-your-brain
2. McNelll, B. (2018, June 14). Social rejection is painful and can lead to violence: A new study suggests that mindfulness may be a solution. Virginia Commonwealth University News. Retrieved from https://news.vcu.edu/article/Social_rejection_is_painful_and_can_lead_to_violence_A_new_study

Our first therapy session began …

The day I found her text on my husband’s phone is a day I will never forget. My whole life changed in an instant. I was stunned and in disbelief. I thought, “Is this really happening to me?”

I read it again. She wrote, “I love you more than ever. Can’t wait until we are together again.”

My heart began pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My mind began racing: “Who is this woman? Why is she texting my husband that she loves him? Would he really cheat? We’ve been together for 17 years. I thought we were happy.” [fat_widget_right]

I called him. He immediately came home from work. He’d accidentally left his phone at home that morning. When he arrived, he couldn’t look me in the eye. He said, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

I responded, “You didn’t mean for me to find out what?”

He said, “That I’m leaving. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

My thoughts started reeling. His words got stuck in my head: “I’m not in love with you anymore.” They went around and around and wouldn’t stop.

“When did this happen?” I asked.

“I haven’t been happy for a few years,” he replied. “You were so focused on the kids. I felt alone.”

“I was so focused on the kids?” I snapped back in exasperation. “Yes, I was! Isn’t that what I was supposed to be doing?”

“I just don’t have those feelings for you anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

I burst into tears. The pain pierced my heart. I could hardly breathe. The pain was excruciating. I felt shattered into a million pieces. My life would never be the same.

Over the next few weeks, we talked and we cried. I went from feeling anger and hatred toward him to feeling like I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to stay and get counseling. No matter what I said, his mind was made up.

I asked about the other woman. She was someone he worked with, of course. They took business trips together. He said she was in an “unhappy marriage” too. They had been having an affair for almost a year.

The day he moved out was horrendous. The kids were a mess. He promised he’d still be there for them.

It’s been a year, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I still feel so rejected.

The only time my mind rests is when I’m busy with the kids or at work. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him stay? What does she have that I don’t have? What’s wrong with me?”

“Is she prettier, sexier, more interesting, more fun? Of course she is. She’s new. She hasn’t had kids. They don’t live together. She doesn’t do his laundry. They don’t have to deal with children and carpools. He’s known her for one year. We were married for 17 years. Maybe he just got tired of me and our life together.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

When a partner leaves, the first few weeks can be extremely painful. People respond by not eating, not sleeping, crying, withdrawing, and generally feeling like the bottom has dropped out. They may have a sense of unreality, like they are a character in a play. There is denial and disbelief.

Often, the worst part is going to bed. The mind wanders to the place where the pain of rejection dwells. It’s hard to escape. The thoughts keep coming. When sleep finally arrives, it is fitful. Waking up in the morning is no better. It’s a new day and the pain starts all over again.

How does a person recover from and overcome the enormous pain of being rejected in one of the most important areas of life? Here are seven steps that may help you heal from the devastation of being rejected by a partner.

1. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to experience them. Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. You may worry they will never stop, but remind yourself it will get better. No matter how hard we cry, at some point we stop.
2. Understand you will go through the stages of grief. The loss of a relationship is like a death. Feelings of disbelief, shock, anger, hurt, bargaining, sadness, fear, and depression are normal. When a partner leaves for someone else, the grief can become even more complicated. The loss occurs, but the person is still there. They made a purposeful decision to leave. Acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, and soothe them.
3. Think of your pain like a wave. There will be times where, for a brief period, you may “forget” about it—and then it will hit you all over again. If you fight the feeling and try to push it away, it will grip you harder. Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
4. Gather your support system around you. You may feel like withdrawing. You may have little energy for others. You may want to stay in bed. Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen. One day, you may have the opportunity to give that back. Let them provide comfort.
5. Stop the self-blame. It’s natural to turn the blame on yourself and ask what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough. Remember it is not your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it. You can invite a partner to go to therapy with you, but they have to make the choice to participate. Partners leave for many reasons. It may have more to do with their baggage than what happened in your relationship.
6. Practice self-care. Try to eat well and get enough rest. Take a walk. Do things that help you relax—meditation, relaxation techniques, changing negative thoughts, prayer. It’s a time to find your “self” again. Be kind to yourself. Spend time around people who love you.
7. Find a therapist who can help. The journey of recovery after a partner leaves takes time, support, and patience. If you are struggling with the loss of a partner, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to support you through crises like this and will help you overcome the pain of rejection.

“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” —Tigress Luv

Approximately 10-13% of school-aged children in the United States experience rejection by their peers. Children who feel rejected may have a higher risk of decreased academic performance, experiencing bullying, or becoming bullies themselves. They can also have higher chances of developing mental health issues including depression and anxiety, behavior problems, and isolation (Nixon, 2010).

The ‘I Am’ Message

Children perceive the world differently than adults. As children interact in social settings, they receive messages about themselves and who they are. For example, if a child gets a B on a test and their parents praise their hard work and good grade, the child might receive the message, “I am smart,” “I am capable,” or “I am loved.” If the parents respond by asking why they didn’t get an A and expressing disappointment, the child might receive the message, “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am a bad person.”

The “I am” message a child receives might seem extreme for the situation, but in reality, children learn about who they are through interactions with parents, primarily, and peers, secondarily. [fat_widget_right]

When ‘I Am’ Messages Grow Up

Many “I am” messages are carried into teenage years and adulthood, where they affect how a person relates to others at work and in relationships. “I am” messages can also influence behavior and are often reinforced by continued experiences and interactions with others. For example, a teen who received the message “I am unworthy” as a child might stay in an abusive relationship longer than someone who received the message “I am worthy,” because deep within them exists the belief that they are unworthy and do not deserve more respect or better treatment. Being mistreated by their partner reinforces the negative “I am” message that they are not worthy. This can easily become a cycle and develop into a pattern for adult relationships as well.

There is good news for primary caregivers: The parent-child relationship is often the most influential in a child’s life. This means you, as a parent, have the power to help your child. When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

Tips for Helping Kids Process Rejection

How do you help your child deal with peer rejection? Below are a few things you, as a parent or guardian, can do to help your child when they are rejected by their peers.

• Create a safe space: If your child talks to you about being rejected by their peers, listen to their story without judging or shaming them for not standing up for themselves. If your child does not talk to you about being rejected, but you have noticed they are having a difficult time interacting positively with peers, talk to them about it when they are in a neutral mood. Let them know what you notice, focusing on your observations rather than your feelings, and provide space for them to share their perspective.
• Identify the “I am” message: Make note of the “I am” message your child has received and help them differentiate who they are (“I am”) from how they feel (“I feel”).  Help them gauge their feelings by reflecting on the story they tell and their facial expressions and body language. When you help your child notice how they feel, they will be able to separate their negative feelings from who they are.
• Empower them: Don’t rush to solve problems for your child (even though it might be tempting to do so). Empower them by allowing them to sort through different ideas about how to respond to peer rejection. Value their ideas and ask if they need you to support them in any way. Before you make the teacher aware of the situation, talk to your child about it and hear their perspective on that decision; they may have valid reasons for not involving the teacher.
• Help them connect: Remind them it is impossible to get along with everyone, but people with whom we have a lot in common can be good friends. Help your child identify their likes and dislikes and identify peers who have the same interests. Talk to your child about how to use common interests to approach peers.
• Contact a therapist: If you have tried to help your child but would like more guidance on how to best support them, contact a therapist in your area. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions and clear-cut solutions, so don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. A therapist can be a good option for your child, since they are a neutral person your child can talk to without worrying about how it could impact them in school or at home. One good option is a play therapist, because they can teach your child social skills and coping strategies through play. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might also be a good option if your child continues to hold on to negative “I am” messages.

Remember: you have the power to help your child, and your relationship with them is the most influential. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Everyone can use a little help sometimes.

Reference:

1. McKown, C., Gumbiner, L. M., Russo, N. M., & Lipton, M. (2009). Social-emotional learning skill, self-regulation, and social competence in typically developing and clinic-referred children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 38(6), 858-871. doi: 10.1080/15374410903258934
2. Nixon, R. (2010, February 2). Studies reveal why kids get bullied and rejected. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/6032-studies-reveal-kids-bullied-rejected.html

Failure and rejection conjure powerful feelings of pain, shame, humiliation, and more.

Recently I realized I struggle with perfectionism. Fear of failure and rejection, for me, bring up feelings of insecurity, not being good enough, and disappointment. I find myself procrastinating on new projects or personal initiatives. I seem to be “studying,” “researching,” “thinking,” and constantly “talking” about what I’m going to do instead of taking action. I find that I stall and tell myself “it’s not good enough”; that way, I can avoid all the uncomfortable feelings associated with failure and rejection. Because let’s face it: they feel terrible.

Yet, in the education and business worlds, concepts of failure and rejection are often glorified. We hear messages (and I say them too) about “learning from failure,” “fail early, fail often,” and “rejection is just a turn on the path to success.” Blah, blah, blah. People can spout clichés all day long, but they don’t make failure or rejection feel any less awful.

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As an entrepreneur, life coach, and therapist, I live in the gray/ambiguous world of hurt and confusion. Day in and day out, I work with men experiencing failure and rejection. In this article, I want to share common scenarios of failure and rejection; why they hurt so much; unhelpful ways we respond; and ideas for how to recover and accept “good enough.”

5 Common Examples of Failure and Rejection

1. The job search: Employment searches are fraught with rejection. Imagine applying for 30 jobs and never hearing back. Or making it to a second round of interviews and then getting the dreaded “thanks, but no thanks” email.
2. The old college try: You started your first semester at college and struggled with the transition. Maybe you were placed on academic or behavioral probation. Either way, you’re back in your parents’ basement and life seems pretty bleak.
3. Can’t kick the habit: You give up on trying to stop or curtail habits that are negatively affecting your life, such as overeating, drinking too much, watching porn, or playing video games.
4. Mental health disappointment: Mental health and emotional issues seem to be dominating your life. When the depression or anxiety won’t let you get out of bed, try something new, or complete a goal.
5. Broken trust: You’ve been vulnerable and put yourself out there in friendships, romantic relationships, or in business … only to feel dismissed and/or betrayed.

Chances are you can identify with one or more of the scenarios above. So, if failure and rejection are so common, why do they hurt so much? Why do we want to curl up in a ball and never try again?

Because, sometimes, failure and rejection feel like death.

5 Reasons Failure and Rejection Are So Painful

1. Adaptation: Rejection triggers the same fears that come along with getting kicked out of our family, tribe, or society. We are socialized and wired to avoid that, so we are naturally super sensitive to feelings of loss.
2. The brain: Feelings from rejection and failure are on the same neurological pathway as physical discomfort and danger. In other words, the brain registers the physical and psychological pain the same.
3. Repetition: When we think about it, we feel it again. Where physical pain is mere memory, we often re-experience and feel the psychological and emotional pain over and over again.
4. Distorted thinking: We make it worse with irrational/distorted thinking. The stories we tell ourselves can be as harmful as they are inaccurate. Automatic negative beliefs such as “I’ll never succeed” only exacerbate our mood.
5. Shame: Shame manifests when we internalize rejection and failure as part of who we are. For example: “I have failed because I am a failure” or “I deserve to be rejected because I am not worthy.”

5 Unhelpful (Negative) Responses to Failure and Rejection

At its core, perfectionism is about fear of failure and need for acceptance. We often don’t finish or even start so we can avoid the anxiety and possibility of being hurt.

1. Procrastinating: At its core, procrastination is generally about fear—of failure, of criticism, etc. Putting things off that we want or need to do may temporarily stave off pain, but it usually only makes things worse. Not that you didn’t know that already.
2. Perfectionism: At its core, perfectionism is about fear of failure and need for acceptance. We often don’t finish or even start so we can avoid the anxiety and possibility of being hurt.
3. “Half-assing”: Not fully committing to something may actually increase feelings of anxiety and regret. In many cases, regret comes from looking back and seeing we didn’t give it our all.
4. Avoiding: Watching hours of Netflix and YouTube, overeating or using substances, or pretending nothing happened tends to only increase the negative impact of failure and rejection.
5. Bucking up: “Get over it.” “Man up.” These idioms do not give space to process and understand failure/rejection, nor do they allow us to process and apply lessons learned.

5 Steps to Recover from Failure and Rejection

1. Stop the bleeding: The first step in healing is triage; determine your priorities and start with the largest threat. If there are things making your situation worse, then those are your priorities.
2. Mourn: Let yourself feel all of the feelings, experience thoughts, and understand the impact. Give yourself time to address and “sit” in the pain, frustration, hope, etc. By “give yourself time,” I mean it: Carve out 5 to 10 minutes in your daily schedule to silently reflect and explore the emotions.
3. Practice remorse over regret: Regret is a painful process of ruminating over what you “should” have done. It may increase anger, shame, and anxiety. Remorse involves admitting your mistakes and taking responsibility for your actions (what you can control).
4. Forgive (yourself and others): Once we start to separate our mistakes from our identity (we are not our failure), we can start to take ownership of our situation. We can apologize for mistakes/wrongs, take action to make things right, and start to “let go” of failure/rejection.
5. Learn and adapt: Reflect. Question. Process. Learn. What went well? What went wrong? What would you do differently? What could you control and what couldn’t you control? Is the failure/rejection permanent or can you try again? Was the rejection/failure part of something or was it the whole thing? Then adjust, evolve, and update your approach. This might be a good time to pivot (change course or direction while firmly grounded).\

Conclusion

Failure and rejection stir up all kinds of unpleasant feelings. Understanding why they’re painful can help us form productive responses and move toward recovery and healing. If you struggle with failure and rejection and want nonjudgmental guidance, contact a licensed therapist.

I recently worked with someone who had his heart crushed by an individual who led him on for months, asked for his help with various tasks, accepted an invitation to go on an official date, and then ultimately, on the “date,” said she doesn’t date.

Knowing the timeline and details, I had been confident this relationship was headed in a positive direction and wound up feeling disappointed at how it had crumbled to pieces, leaving us both stunned and confused. This happened to somebody who has done so much work in terms of gaining self-confidence and developing interpersonal relationship skills. Having an important relationship dissolve in an instant was devastating.

We processed the experience and the many questions that arose in our next session: Where did he go wrong? Why did she agree to the date in the first place? Did she not date in general or did she just not want to date him? Did her rejection not confirm his feelings of unworthiness?

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As much as we could speculate, analyze the chain of text messages, and try to make sense of what transpired in the relationship, the frustrating truth was there was no logical justification for what happened or why this person treated him the way she did. At least not one he was ever going to be privy to.

He reached out for some clarification, but her responses were arrogant, passive-aggressive, defensive, and left no explanation for how he could have possibly misread her signals. Further, they changed his view of who she was and left it nearly impossible to continue their friendship. He grieved the loss, missing the person he thought she was.

We spent a good amount of time discussing what he should do next. He wanted answers that made sense, but instead he was being ignored. A part of him wanted to contact her, lashing out with his anger, to let her know exactly what he now thought of her. A part of me wanted to support him in doing that. I was appalled by her callousness. I was angry for him.

He wanted closure. At the same time, we both knew it likely wouldn’t accomplish anything. She wouldn’t change, her responses wouldn’t become any more enlightening or helpful, and there was probably no realistic scenario that would lessen his hurt.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, or you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on.

When this kind of thing happens—when a relationship ends in hurt and anger, when we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us, or when life doesn’t go the way we were hoping—we want an immediate sense of closure or justification. The desire for closure might be the temporary satisfaction of telling off the person who hurt us, gaining an apology, having the person change their mind, or getting some type of definitive ending that seems clean and makes sense to us.

But the reality is these things generally don’t make us feel better in the long run. Typically, they simply never happen. So the search for closure is often futile and results in wasted energy, more frustration, and a delayed ability to begin healing and moving on.

It takes a lot of strength to be the “bigger person,” to walk away with your head held high, and to resist the urge to give someone who has hurt you a piece of your mind.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, that you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on. While highly uncomfortable, the sooner you acknowledge and accept the disappointment and hurt, the sooner you can begin to move forward. It may involve coming to terms with the fact sometimes things aren’t logical or fair.

Having the strength to walk away from a negative experience with a sense of grace and your dignity intact will likely help you to feel good about yourself in the long run. With time and some distance, you may discover the experience taught you a valuable lesson or helped you grow in a way only the most challenging of experiences could.

People who feel rejected may engage in retaliatory aggression, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The findings also showed exacting revenge can improve mood.

Many people who feel they have been wronged experience a natural desire for revenge as a way to seek justice. Understanding which experiences trigger a need for vengeance could help reduce violence and interpersonal cruelty.

Revenge: Pleasurable and Triggered by Rejection

The study sought to explore how rejection affects the desire for revenge. Previous research has found a link between seeking revenge and a desire for status and power. The new study supports previous findings, pointing to a role for revenge as a coping mechanism to avoid shame.

Researchers conducted six trials on 1,516 participants. In one study, 154 students took a placebo pill. Researchers told them it would make their mood stable and unchanging. The students then played a computer game in which they passed a ball back and forth with two other “players,” who were pre-programmed computer responses.

[fat_widget_right]One group was rejected by the other “players.” Compared to a group that received 15 of 30 passes, the rejection group received just three passes. Investigators asked participants to rate their rejection. Participants then had a chance to retaliate during a race to hit a buzzer. Faster participants could punish the slowest participant with a loud blast of noise. The loudest blast went up to 105 decibels—similar to the volume of a jackhammer.

To improve their mood, rejected players elected to expose other players to louder sound blasts. The rejected players who received the placebo pill believed nothing they did would improve their mood, so they predicted no benefit to seeking revenge. This trial also supports the notion that people seek revenge to feel better.

The study’s authors highlight the clear correlation in the trials between rejection and aggression, as well as a link between revenge and the desire to return to a more stable mood.

References:

1. Borreli, L. (2017, January 11). Why looking for revenge feels so good. Retrieved from http://www.medicaldaily.com/looking-revenge-soothes-social-rejection-bad-mood-complicated-psychology-why-408310
2. Chester, D. S., & Dewall, C. N. (2016). Combating the sting of rejection with the pleasure of revenge: A new look at how emotion shapes aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000080

Where do you feel safe? For me, it is not in my husband’s arms, it is in his heart. It is in a deep knowing that he will hold me there and that he feels me there even when I am not immediately in his presence. That with him I can take deep breaths and breathe in the love and affection he provides. The safety. What must it be like to have never had this feeling?

I didn’t have this feeling consistently before him. I trusted me, and I took care of me because that is what I learned to do as a child. Children who don’t feel “seen” by their parents often have an emptiness that grows with them as they move into adulthood.

What if you have carried this feeling with you for years, and now here you are, sitting in a therapist’s office, trying to “open up” and share your trauma history and heal from past abuse? How do you learn to trust the person who is supposed to be helping you, the one who is sitting across from you saying they will be with you in your journey, who holds you gently in their heart, looks at you with knowing eyes, and talks to you about your worth? The one who says they won’t judge you even before you share your most painful secrets?

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As a therapist, when I sit with someone who has never felt seen, I ask myself, “Why do I know you? Why can I feel you? What is it about your pain that is also mine?”

We all have parts of ourselves we wish we didn’t know, parts we say to ourselves, “That’s not me” or, “Who is that person?” We reject these needy, angry, or acting-out parts of ourselves in the same way they were rejected by the very people who were supposed to hold us fiercely in their hearts and minds: our parents.

We tell ourselves, “If they couldn’t love me, those people who bore me in their bodies, how could anyone else?”

And then we give up trying to explain these ugly secrets to ourselves, to others. We hide them, lock them away in the attics of our minds, put them in files, into containers, send them away. When an experience is too much for the minds of children to bear, this can happen in a fraction of a second.

And then we give up trying to explain these ugly secrets to ourselves, to others. We hide them, lock them away in the attics of our minds, put them in files, into containers, send them away. When an experience is too much for the minds of children to bear, this can happen in a fraction of a second.

Later, as adults, we may berate ourselves for this. But children cannot handle the types of trauma or even harsh words from a loved one the way most adults can. They crack more easily.

Other times, forgetting doesn’t come so easily or quickly. We have to focus our attention on trying to forget. Eventually, the more parts of ourselves that are hidden, the more we reject and disavow ourselves of them, the larger and more intense they grow. Sometimes they develop a life of their own.

When parts of the self develop their own life, memories, experience, belief systems, and values, when they have their own sets of thoughts and feelings about experiences, they are so separate we call them “alters” or “self states”—parts, in other words. These parts are out of our awareness or just on the other side of it. Dissociation should be thought of not as mental illness but rather mental injury, born out of the anguishing kind of pain that comes from feeling empty or from being filled with rage, feeling unloved, unwanted, used. You feel unrelatable and unknown, even to yourself. Getting to know these discarded parts of the self can be scary.

I know you likely will not trust me, that you may not be able to bear looking into my eyes. That it will become more painful as you get to know me and start to expect me to be there. That just when you think you are starting to feel hope, you will become the most terrified you have ever been. Because you will have finally been seen. And while you have waited your whole life for this, it may very well be more petrifying than you imagined.

That is why I will forever be in debt to you, the person in therapy—for allowing me to see into your eyes, your past, your most feared parts of the self. I will wonder to myself why and how I know you, why you are in my life, and how it is I can “feel” your presence. I will remain separate from you and yet walk beside you for a time. I will try to be a vessel worthy of your sorrow.