“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.

[gt_toc title=”In this article”]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-it-is”]What gaslighting in relationships looks like[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#gaslight-effect”]The Gaslight Effect: how the dynamic deepens[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#effects”]What it does to the targeted partner[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-to-do”]What to do if you think you’re being gaslit[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#conventional-wisdom”]When conventional wisdom can hurt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#therapy”]How therapy must adapt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#progress”]Measuring progress differently[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#faq”]Frequently asked questions[/gt_toc_item]
[/gt_toc]

What gaslighting in relationships looks like

The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.

[gt_compare]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting is NOT” title=”Ordinary relational friction” color=”orange” points=”A partner remembering an argument differently|A clumsy apology|A one-off lie someone later owns”]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting IS” title=”A repeated pattern of manipulation” color=”green” points=”Repeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced|Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory|Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence”]
[/gt_compare]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Clinical definition”]
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
[/gt_callout]

The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time

Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:

[gt_steps]
[gt_step num=”01″ title=”Disbelief”]“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?”[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”02″ title=”Defense”]You start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood.[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”03″ title=”Depression”]You feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself.[/gt_step]
[/gt_steps]

People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.

Gaslighting might sound like…

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Denial”]
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Minimization”]
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”Deflection”]
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
[/gt_callout]

What gaslighting does to the targeted partner

Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:

[gt_card title=”Chronic self-doubt” color=”green”]
“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Difficulty making decisions” color=”orange”]
Even small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Anxiety, shame, and numbness” color=”green”]
A steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Social withdrawal” color=”orange”]
Explaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out.
[/gt_card]

What to do if you think you’re being gaslit

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants”]
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.

Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge”]
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.

Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
[/gt_callout]

When conventional wisdom can hurt

Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.

Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:

[gt_checklist title=”Assumptions standard advice makes”]
[gt_check]Both people can reflect on their behavior[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both can take responsibility when they’re wrong[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both genuinely want to understand one another[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Perception is grounded in shared facts and reality[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Why this matters”]
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
[/gt_callout]

How therapy must adapt

Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the person being gaslit” color=”green”]
The therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Couples therapy” color=”green”]
The therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the gaslighter” color=”orange”]
The most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all.
[/gt_card]

Progress is measured differently

In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.

[gt_checklist title=”What real progress looks like”]
[gt_check]The gaslighting partner stops denying the other person’s reality[/gt_check]
[gt_check]They show behavioral accountability: “I did that. It was wrong.”[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The targeted partner stops over-explaining and starts trusting their own perceptions again[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The relationship becomes safer and more respectful, consistently, not performatively[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”A final grounding point”]
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
[/gt_callout]

Frequently asked questions

[gt_faq title=””]
[gt_faq_item q=”What exactly is gaslighting in a relationship?”]
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which one partner repeatedly causes the other to question their perceptions, memories, and sense of reality. It differs from ordinary disagreements in two ways: the repetition and the deliberate goal of gaining power and control. The APA defines it as manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or experiences.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What are the signs I might be getting gaslit?”]
Common signs include constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused after conversations, apologizing frequently without knowing why, making excuses for your partner’s behavior, and feeling less confident than you used to be. You may notice you no longer trust your own memory of events, or that you feel anxious before difficult conversations even when you know you have done nothing wrong.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Is gaslighting considered emotional abuse?”]
Yes. Persistent gaslighting is widely recognized as a form of emotional abuse. It systematically erodes a person’s sense of reality, self-worth, and autonomy. Because it targets the victim’s capacity to trust their own judgment, it can be more insidious than forms of abuse that leave visible evidence.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Why do people stay in relationships where they’re being gaslit?”]
People stay for many reasons unrelated to weakness: love, shared history, financial dependence, fear of retaliation, children, or genuine hope that things will improve. The manipulation typically begins subtly and escalates slowly, making it hard to identify until someone is deeply invested. By the time the pattern becomes clear, accumulated self-doubt has often made it harder to act on what they know.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Can a gaslighter change through therapy?”]
Change is possible, but requires genuine willingness to acknowledge behavior and take accountability. In couples therapy, progress is most likely in milder cases where some willingness remains. In individual therapy, the gaslighter needs to develop real insight into the impact of their behavior, which is difficult without the therapist having broader relational context. Meaningful change requires sustained behavioral accountability, not just verbal acknowledgment.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What should I do first if I think I’m being gaslit?”]
Start by building your support network. Reach out to people who have your best interests at heart and will be honest with you; they offer the outside perspective the manipulation is designed to deny you. Keep a private journal documenting incidents with dates and details; this helps counter the self-doubt the manipulation creates. Individual therapy with a qualified therapist can also help you regain your footing.
[/gt_faq_item]
[/gt_faq]

[gt_takeaways title=”Key takeaways”]
[gt_take]Gaslighting in relationships is a pattern, not a single disagreement or misremembered event.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]It escalates in three stages: disbelief, defense, depression.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Conventional “talk it through” advice can make it worse; sometimes opting out is the healthy choice.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Therapy helps, but the clinician must recognize the dynamic and adapt their approach.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Progress is measured by accountability and restored self-trust, not just fewer fights.[/gt_take]
[/gt_takeaways]

[gt_cta style=”orange” title=”You don’t have to sort this out alone.” subtitle=”Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.” button_text=”Browse the GoodTherapy Directory” button_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html”]

[gt_author name=”Tomoko Iimura, LMFT” title=”Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist” location=”San Antonio, TX” photo=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/thumbs/250×250/dbimages/87189-tomoko-iimura.jpeg” profile_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/tomoko-iimura-marriage-family-therapist”]
Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here.
[/gt_author]

Building a happy healthy marriage is one of life’s most rewarding journeys, yet it requires intentional effort, understanding, and commitment. With approximately 40-50% of first marriages ending in divorce according to the American Psychological Association, understanding what creates lasting marital satisfaction has never been more important. This comprehensive guide explores evidence-based strategies for creating and maintaining a thriving, life-long partnership based on recent research and expert insights.

Understanding Current Marriage Statistics and Trends

Before diving into how to create a happy healthy marriage, it’s important to understand the current landscape of marriage in America. According to data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2024), approximately 46% of first marriages end in divorce by age 55, with 46% of those who had married experiencing divorce. However, this statistic doesn’t tell the complete story. Statistics from the CDC  shows that divorce rates have actually been declining since the 1990s, particularly among younger couples.

The average age at first marriage has risen significantly over recent decades. The median age at first marriage has risen to roughly 30.2 (men) and 28.4 (women) in 2023, compared to significantly younger ages in previous generations. This shift toward later marriage appears to correlate with more stable unions, though age is just one factor among many that influence marital success.

For Those Not Yet Married: Timing and Partner Selection

1. Consider Waiting Until Your Late Twenties or Early Thirties

Analyses from the Institute for Family Studies suggest the lowest divorce risk often appears for marriages begun in the late 20s to early 30s; results vary by cohort and data source.” Data analyzed by Dr. Nicholas Wolfinger shows that couples who marry between ages 28-32 show lower divorce rates compared to those who marry either significantly younger or older.

Why does age matter? Several factors contribute to this pattern. By your late twenties, you’ve typically completed your education, established career foundations, and developed a more stable sense of identity. Financial stability significantly impacts marital success, according to research published in divorce statistics analysis, a greater economic stability is generally linked to lower divorce risk

Your personality continues developing through your twenties. Marrying after age 27 increases the likelihood that your core values, interests, and life goals will remain relatively stable throughout your marriage. Many couples who marry in their early twenties report divorcing due to “growing apart” as they mature into different people than they were at the altar.

2. Choose Someone Dependable and Reliable

A happy healthy marriage requires partnership with someone who consistently follows through on commitments. Marriage involves navigating countless demands, from daily household responsibilities to major life decisions. You need confidence that your partner will be there when it matters most.

Dependability manifests in both significant moments and everyday interactions. Does your potential partner show up when they say they will? Do they honor their promises? Can you trust them to contribute equally to your shared life? These qualities form the foundation of a partnership that can weather life’s inevitable challenges.

3. Marry Your Best Friend and Biggest Advocate

The most successful marriages are built on deep friendship. Your life partner should be someone who genuinely has your back, not just during good times, but especially when challenges arise. Look for someone who has repeatedly demonstrated their support and loyalty through actions, not just words.

Research emphasizes that couples who maintain strong friendship foundations, characterized by mutual respect, admiration, and turning toward each other rather than away, experience significantly higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Your spouse should be someone you actually enjoy spending time with, someone whose company enriches your life.

Components of a Happy Healthy Marriage

Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love identifies three fundamental components that, when combined, create what he calls “consummate love”, the most complete and satisfying form of romantic relationship. Published in Psychological Review, this theory has become one of the most influential frameworks for understanding romantic relationships. Understanding and actively cultivating each component is essential for maintaining a happy healthy marriage over time.

4. Intimacy: Building Emotional Connection

Intimacy encompasses the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and emotional bonding that develop in loving relationships. This component creates the warmth and security that characterize deep partnerships. Intimacy in a happy healthy marriage requires deliberate cultivation through several key practices.

Active listening forms the cornerstone of emotional intimacy. This means fully engaging when your partner speaks, putting away your phone, turning off the television, and giving your complete attention. Listen not just to respond, but to understand. Ask thoughtful questions that demonstrate genuine curiosity about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

5. Passion: Maintaining Romantic and Physical Connection

Passion includes the drives leading to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena in loving relationships. While passion often peaks during a relationship’s early stages, maintaining it requires conscious effort as partnerships mature.

Creating a happy healthy marriage means committing to being an engaging, affectionate partner even after years together. Touch and physical affection remain crucial, daily kisses, hugs, and casual physical contact maintain connection and trigger release of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone.”

Verbal expression of attraction matters tremendously. Tell your partner you find them attractive. Express appreciation for specific qualities. Compliment them genuinely and regularly. These expressions of desire and admiration help sustain the romantic feelings that brought you together initially.

Prioritizing physical intimacy, when mutually desired, strengthens marital bonds. Studies show that open sexual communication and mutual satisfaction predict higher relationship quality (Mallory et al.). This doesn’t mean forcing physical connection, but rather creating environments where both partners feel desired, respected, and comfortable expressing their sexuality within the relationship.

6. Commitment: Choosing Love Daily

Commitment represents both the initial decision to love someone and the ongoing choice to maintain that love through all circumstances. This component distinguishes temporary infatuation from lasting partnership. In a happy healthy marriage, commitment means showing up consistently, even, and especially, when feelings fluctuate.

Many people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations about what married life entails. Popular culture often portrays relationships as effortlessly perfect when you’ve found “the one.” Reality differs significantly. All marriages face challenges: financial stress, health issues, disagreements about parenting, evolving individual needs, and countless other obstacles.

The difference between marriages that endure and those that dissolve often comes down to commitment. Committed partners view challenges as problems to solve together rather than reasons to exit the relationship. They understand that periods of lower satisfaction don’t necessarily indicate an incompatible match, they indicate a need for renewed effort and possibly professional support.

Research on relationship commitment shows that committed partners are more likely to inhibit destructive responses and choose constructive ones during conflict (Rusbult et al., 1991). When both individuals are committed to the relationship’s success, they’re more likely to approach disagreements as “we” problems rather than “me versus you” battles.

Understanding Realistic Expectations for Marriage

One of the most damaging factors in modern marriages is the gap between expectations and reality. Many couples enter marriage believing it should consistently feel effortless and blissful if they’ve chosen the right partner. When inevitable challenges arise, they interpret difficulties as signs they’ve made a mistake rather than normal aspects of partnership.

A happy healthy marriage doesn’t mean conflict-free or always passionate. Research from couples therapy experts consistently shows that all relationships experience periods of disconnection, frustration, and even questioning. What distinguishes successful marriages is how couples respond during these challenging periods.

Gottman’s research shows that around 69% of couple conflicts are “perpetual”, issues to be managed rather than solved. Successful couples learn to dialogue about these perpetual issues with humor and affection rather than allowing them to create gridlock.

The Danger of the “Grass is Greener” Mentality

When facing marital difficulties, some people assume divorcing and finding a “better match” will solve their problems. However, unless you address underlying expectations, communication patterns, and relationship skills, similar issues tend to resurface in subsequent relationships.

This doesn’t mean staying in genuinely harmful relationships. Abuse, chronic infidelity, active addiction without willingness to seek treatment, and other serious issues sometimes necessitate ending a marriage. However, many divorces occur over resolvable differences that couples could work through with proper tools, realistic expectations, and professional support.

The Impact of Financial Issues on Marriage

Money represents one of the most significant stressors in marriage and a leading predictor of divorce. Research from Kansas State University (Britt et al., 2013) found that arguments about money are the top predictor of divorce, regardless of income level, net worth, or debt amount. The study, published in Family Relations, found financial disagreements tend to be more intense and take longer to recover from than arguments about any other topic.

Research found that financial strain and stress are strongly associated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher likelihood of marital dissolution. A Ramsey Solutions survey (2018) found that 86% of couples married five years or less started their marriage in debt, compared to 43% of couples married 25+ years. Nearly half of couples with $50,000 or more in debt say money is their top source of arguments.

Why Financial Stress Damages Relationships

Financial problems in a happy healthy marriage create multiple layers of stress. Debt limits couples’ ability to reach goals like homeownership, retirement savings, or family vacations. When partners have different spending philosophies, one being a saver, the other a spender, conflicts arise over how to allocate limited resources.

Money arguments often represent deeper conflicts about values, power dynamics, and trust. Financial infidelity, hiding purchases, secret accounts, or undisclosed debt, erodes the fundamental trust marriages require. Research from the National Debt Relief organization found that 54% of respondents believe having a partner in debt is a major reason to consider divorce.

Creating Financial Harmony

Couples who maintain happy healthy marriages despite financial challenges share several key practices. They communicate openly and regularly about money, discussing both short-term budgets and long-term financial goals. According to the Ramsey Solutions study (2018), 94% of respondents who described their marriage as “great” discuss their money dreams with their spouse.

Successful couples understand their different money personalities and work to find compromises. They create systems, whether combined accounts, separate accounts, or hybrid approaches, that work for their unique relationship. Most importantly, they view financial challenges as problems to solve together rather than opportunities to blame each other.

When to Seek Professional Support

Even the strongest marriages benefit from professional guidance at various points. Marriage counseling isn’t only for couples in crisis, it’s also valuable for preventing problems, navigating transitions, or simply strengthening an already good relationship.

Couples who seek counseling early, before resentment becomes entrenched, experience better outcomes than those who wait until considering divorce.

Conclusion: Commitment to Growth Creates Lasting Love

Creating a happy healthy marriage isn’t about finding a perfect partner or experiencing effortless bliss. It’s about choosing someone dependable whom you genuinely enjoy, then consistently choosing to cultivate intimacy, passion, and commitment throughout your partnership’s evolution.

The research is clear: successful marriages require realistic expectations, strong communication skills, financial transparency, emotional support, physical affection, and willingness to seek help when needed. Studies and numerous academic researchers consistently show that couples who actively work on these essential components significantly increase their chances of building lasting, satisfying partnerships.

Remember that all marriages face challenges. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that dissolve often comes down to commitment, the daily decision to show up, work through difficulties, and invest in your partnership’s growth. With the right tools, realistic expectations, and mutual dedication, you can create a marriage that brings joy, support, and fulfillment for decades to come.

Healthy communication in relationships forms the foundation of lasting partnerships, yet many couples struggle to navigate conflicts constructively. Research consistently shows that how couples handle disagreements, not the absence of conflict, determines relationship satisfaction and longevity. This comprehensive guide provides 21 evidence-based strategies to transform your relationship communication, resolve conflicts effectively, and strengthen your emotional bond.

Understanding the Role of Communication in Relationship Health

In every relationship, there are three distinct entities: yourself, your partner, and the relationship itself, an invisible third “person” that requires its own care and attention. When conflicts arise, successful couples consider the feelings and needs of all three: their own emotional experience, their partner’s perspective, and what serves the relationship’s overall health.

If you’ve tried active listening, “I” statements, and communication workshops but still struggle with your partner, you’re not alone. Many couples discover that communication skills alone can’t fix deeper relationship issues.

While the belief that “communication is the key to a successful relationship” is widely accepted, this view oversimplifies the complexity of romantic partnerships. Poor communication is often a symptom of deeper, unresolved issues such as insecure attachment styles, unmet emotional needs, trauma, and misaligned values.

This article argues that focusing solely on communication techniques can mislead couples and therapists alike. Instead, the foundation of healthy relationships lies in emotional safety, value alignment, and mutual trust. Drawing on empirical research, attachment theory, and clinical insights, this article explores the underlying dynamics that frequently masquerade as communication problems.

The Communication Myth: Why “Better Talking” Doesn’t Always Work

Dr. John Gottman’s decades of research into marital stability challenges the notion that poor communication is the leading cause of divorce. Gottman and Silver (1999) found that many couples who ultimately divorce actually communicate in similar patterns to those who stay together. What separates the two is not how well they speak, but how deeply they remain emotionally connected.

Effective communication is often seen as the cure-all for relationship conflict. But communication devoid of emotional safety or trust becomes performative rather than healing. When partners feel disconnected, threatened, or unseen, even skillful dialogue can result in misunderstanding or defensiveness.

Moreover, it’s possible to communicate “well” while still engaging in harmful dynamics like manipulation, gaslighting, or passive aggression. Thus, the content of communication matters far less than the emotional intent and context in which it occurs.

The Real Root Causes of Relationship Problems

Attachment Wounds: How Your Past Shapes Your Present

Attachment theory, developed by Bowlby (1982) and extended to adult relationships by Hazan and Shaver (1987), provides a valuable lens for understanding relational conflict. People with different attachment styles express needs and process emotions in vastly different ways.

For example, individuals with an anxious attachment style may engage in protest behavior—over-texting, emotional outbursts, or accusations—not because they are poor communicators, but because they fear abandonment. Conversely, avoidantly attached individuals may withdraw or shut down during emotional conversations, not due to a lack of interest, but due to fear of engulfment.

Simpson and Rholes (2015) assert that insecure attachment styles are a leading cause of communication breakdowns in romantic relationships. The words used may be clear, but the intent and emotion behind them are filtered through layers of personal insecurity and unresolved wounds.

In this context, improving communication skills without addressing attachment needs is like repainting a house with a cracked foundation—it may look better temporarily, but the underlying problems will resurface.

Unmet Emotional Needs: The Hidden Language of Conflict

All human beings have core emotional needs: to feel loved, respected, secure, and significant. In romantic relationships, these needs often become amplified. When partners do not feel their needs are acknowledged or met, frustration builds—and is frequently expressed as a communication issue.

For instance, a partner may say, “You never spend time with me,” when what they mean is, “I feel lonely and unimportant.” Without understanding the emotional layer beneath the words, the receiving partner may respond defensively, triggering a cycle of argument rather than connection.

Johnson (2008), in her development of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes that emotional responsiveness is more important than verbal clarity. She argues that the goal of healthy communication is not merely the exchange of information, but the reassurance of emotional connection.

Values and Belief Systems: The Hidden Divide

Even when couples are emotionally attuned and capable of effective conversation, persistent conflict may arise from fundamental differences in values. Topics like parenting, religion, career ambition, and finances reflect deeply held beliefs that are not easily negotiated.

Perel (2006) points out that many couples clash not because they cannot talk to one another, but because they are “speaking different dialects”—shaped by culture, upbringing, and personal philosophy. For example, a partner raised in a family that prized individual success may struggle to connect with a partner raised in a communal, family-centered environment.

When partners’ values are misaligned, communication becomes strained—not because of delivery, but because of conflicting worldviews. No amount of communication technique can reconcile opposing core values without mutual understanding, compromise, or acceptance.

Emotional Safety: The Foundation for Real Dialogue

One of the most under-discussed but critical factors in communication is emotional safety—the sense that one can speak openly without fear of judgment, punishment, or ridicule. Emotional safety enables vulnerability, which is essential for intimacy and conflict resolution.

Zilcha-Mano and Errázuriz (2020) found that emotional safety is a better predictor of relationship satisfaction than communication frequency or skill. Partners who feel safe are more likely to speak openly, listen non-defensively, and repair conflict effectively.

Without emotional safety, even well-intentioned messages are often misinterpreted as attacks. Safety allows space for mistakes, learning, and emotional risk-taking. Communication thrives in its presence and deteriorates in its absence.

When Communication Problems Are Really Symptoms

From a clinical perspective, what presents as a communication problem is often rooted in:

• Unprocessed trauma: Unhealed past wounds that color current interactions
• Power struggles: Efforts to control, dominate, or resist perceived control
• Resentment: Built-up emotional pain from unmet expectations
• Fear of vulnerability: Avoidance of emotional openness due to fear of rejection or hurt

Therapists often observe that once these core issues are addressed, communication naturally improves—even without explicit training. In this way, communication is not a primary intervention but a byproduct of relational healing.

A Better Approach: Therapy That Goes Deeper

What Effective Couples Therapy Actually Does

Therapists should resist the temptation to begin treatment with communication skills training. While helpful, such skills can be superficial if not grounded in emotional attunement and psychological safety.

Instead, the therapeutic process should include:

• Attachment repair: Understanding how each partner’s attachment history shapes their behavior
• Emotional attunement: Teaching partners to recognize and respond to one another’s core emotional states
• Trauma-informed care: Addressing past relational wounds that impair present-day connection
• Values clarification: Exploring compatibility around life goals and beliefs

Only after this foundation is laid should traditional communication techniques—such as reflective listening or structured dialogue—be introduced.

The EFT Difference

Emotionally Focused Therapy has shown remarkable success because it addresses the emotional bonds that drive communication patterns. Research shows that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery using EFT, with 90% showing significant improvements.

EFT works by helping couples:

1. Identify negative interaction cycles
2. Access underlying emotions and attachment needs
3. Create new positive interactions based on emotional connection
4. Consolidate new patterns of bonding

5 Signs Your Relationship Problems Run Deeper Than Communication

1. You’ve tried communication techniques but keep having the same fights
2. One partner shuts down or becomes defensive when difficult topics arise
3. Past hurts keep resurfacing despite “talking them through”
4. You feel like you’re speaking different languages even when using the same words
5. There’s an underlying feeling of emotional unsafety or walking on eggshells

If these patterns sound familiar, it may be time to look beyond communication skills and address the deeper emotional dynamics at play. If you and your partner feel stuck in recurring arguments, consider exploring the emotional roots of your communication. Find a qualified couples therapist near you on GoodTherapy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is communication important in relationships?

Yes, communication is important, but it’s not the root cause of most relationship problems. Effective communication naturally improves when underlying issues like attachment wounds, emotional safety, and value misalignment are addressed first.

What are the real causes of relationship problems?

The deeper causes include insecure attachment styles, unprocessed trauma, lack of emotional safety, conflicting core values, and unmet emotional needs that manifest as communication difficulties.

How can therapy help beyond communication skills?

Effective therapy addresses attachment repair, emotional attunement, trauma-informed care, and values clarification before introducing traditional communication techniques. This creates lasting change rather than surface-level improvements.

When should couples seek professional help?

Consider therapy when communication techniques haven’t worked, when the same conflicts keep recurring, or when there’s emotional withdrawal, defensiveness, or a sense of walking on eggshells in the relationship.

Can relationships improve without focusing on communication?

Absolutely. When couples address emotional safety, attachment needs, and core compatibility issues, communication often improves naturally as a byproduct of deeper healing and connection.

Key Takeaways: Beyond Communication to Real Connection

Communication plays a vital role in relationships, but it is not the most important element. Focusing on communication without addressing emotional safety, attachment dynamics, trauma, and values can be both misleading and ineffective. These deeper forces often drive what appears on the surface as a communication breakdown.

For lasting relational health, individuals and couples must look beneath the words and examine the emotional frameworks that shape them. When emotional connection, mutual respect, and personal healing are prioritized, communication naturally becomes clearer, more honest, and more effective.

The bottom line: If you’re struggling with relationship communication, the problem likely runs deeper than speaking and listening skills. Consider working with a therapist trained in attachment-based approaches like EFT to address the root causes of your relationship distress.

Additional Resources

• Find a Couples Therapist Near You
• Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy
• Understanding Attachment Issues
• How Trauma Impacts Relationships

References

Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2015). Attachment theory and research: New directions and emerging themes. Guilford Press.

Zilcha-Mano, S., & Errázuriz, P. (2020). Emotional safety in romantic relationships: How it predicts relationship outcomes. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 9(1), 21–34. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000125

Strong marriages don’t just happen, they require intentional effort. These expert-backed marriage tips help build lasting emotional intimacy and commitment. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with 17 years of experience, I’ve witnessed countless couples transform their relationships using these ten foundational principles.

1. Prioritize Emotional Intimacy as Your Foundation

Emotional intimacy serves as the building block for everlasting love. This friendship component of romantic partnerships involves becoming an active listener who stays engaged during conversations. One of the most powerful marriage tips is to practice active listening without judgment. Practice asking curious, probing questions while refraining from immediately offering advice. This approach keeps your partner seeking your closeness and companionship.

Research shows that emotional connection significantly impacts relationship longevity. Studies by Dr. John Gottman demonstrate that couples who maintain emotional intimacy have better relationship outcomes, while the American Psychological Association reports that first marriages have significant divorce rates. When partners feel emotionally safe and understood, they’re more likely to maintain their bond through challenges.

2. Commitment forms the backbone of successful marriages.

True commitment manifests in multiple ways:

• Prioritizing your relationship’s needs
• Following through with your promises
• Treating your partner with respect, even during conflicts
• Putting consistent effort into pursuing your partner
• Speaking positively about your partner to others
• Actively working toward strengthening your future together
• Focusing on your partner’s positive qualities over their flaws
• Making time for fun and shared experiences
  

3. Keep Passion Alive Through Intentional Action

Passion often feels strongest during relationships’ early stages but tends to fade without conscious effort. Maintain healthy passion levels by making a deliberate commitment to being an engaging, affectionate partner.

Touch and kiss daily, verbally express your attraction, and prioritize physical intimacy when mutually desired. This closeness creates lasting feelings of love and affection that sustain your partnership.

4. Handle Conflict Constructively

Conflict is inevitable in healthy relationships, what matters is how you navigate disagreements. Among the most essential marriage tips is learning to handle disagreements constructively. Follow these evidence-based strategies:

1. Practice empathy to understand your partner’s perspective
2. Pay attention to nonverbal communication, as body language often conveys more than words
3. Always take time to repair by taking accountability, acknowledging growth areas, apologizing sincerely, and reconnecting physically

5. Establish Strong Communication Patterns

Communication serves as the cornerstone of thriving marriages. Make daily check-ins a priority using the T.E.A.M. framework:

• T: Start with Touch (sit close, hold hands, hug)
• E: Educate each other about something learned that day
• A: Appreciate your partner with affirming words
• M: Provide Mutual feedback on personal and relational growth opportunities

This structured approach, as marriage tips, ensures consistent communication that deepens understanding and connection.

6. Maintain Healthy Perspective

Before reacting emotionally, ask yourself: “Will this matter in five years?” Most issues that trigger immediate reactions won’t have lasting significance. Consider whether the conflict is worth potentially damaging your marriage.

Many couples seek therapy after arguments they can’t even remember starting. Learning to take perspective before reacting to triggers helps you let go of minor issues that don’t deserve major energy.

7. Live Proactively, Not Reactively

Proactive living means addressing relationship needs before they become problems. Touch base about upcoming days the night before to align expectations and stay connected.

Proactive strategies include:

• Making grocery runs before you’re out of food
• Filling gas tanks before they’re empty
• Paying bills in advance
• Planning enjoyable activities together monthly
• Anticipating and meeting relationship needs before conflicts arise

8. Practice the “Give to Receive” Principle

Often, couples remain stuck in conflict because neither partner wants to be first to offer the closeness they’re craving. When you feel angry about unmet needs, try giving that exact need to your partner first.

This approach helps you practice self-satisfaction while creating space for your partner to reciprocate naturally. It breaks negative cycles and promotes positive relationship dynamics.

9. Support Individual Growth and Evolution

For love to last forever, you must allow space for your partner’s personal development. Support new interests, encourage trying different experiences, and embrace who your partner becomes at each life stage.

Blocking your partner’s evolution will ultimately block their love for you. Healthy relationships require both individual growth and couple development.

10. Pray for Your Partner (If Aligned with Your Beliefs)

Spiritual practices can strengthen emotional bonds when they align with your values. Taking moments to focus positive intentions on your partner’s health, happiness, growth, stability, peace, and mental clarity can enhance both your feelings toward them and their overall well-being.

This practice works regardless of specific religious beliefs, the key is channeling loving, supportive energy toward your partner’s highest good. Studies show that couples who engage in shared spiritual or mindful practices together report higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution skills.

show that couples who engage in spiritual practices together report 23% higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution skills.

Start Building Your Thriving Marriage Today

These ten principles provide a roadmap for creating the lasting, fulfilling marriage you desire. Remember that building emotional intimacy, maintaining commitment, and practicing conscious communication require ongoing effort from both partners.

If you’re struggling to implement these strategies or need additional support, consider working with a qualified marriage counselor who can provide personalized guidance for your unique situation. Find a licensed marriage counselor near you.

Ready to strengthen your relationship? Start with one principle today and gradually incorporate others as new habits develop!

Related Resources

• 6 Essential Elements of a Strong Marriage
• Communication Skills Every Couple Should Develop
• Understanding Emotional Connection
• How to Fix a Relationship in 5 Steps

In fulfilling relationships, it’s natural to want our loved ones to change. We often recognize their potential and believe that if they adjusted certain behaviors, things would improve. But this mindset can lead to frustration and disappointment, because we ultimately cannot control others.

The key to fulfilling relationships lies in focusing on what we can control: our own reactions and expectations.

Why We Try to Change Others in Fulfilling Relationships

Our urge to change others usually comes from a place of love and concern. We want the best for them and for ourselves. Yet, this well-meaning desire can lead us down a path of trying to “fix” someone, which often strains the relationship.

Instead, it’s far more productive to look inward. Ask yourself:

• Are my expectations realistic?
• Am I projecting my own fears or insecurities?
• What do I truly need in this relationship?

Turning Inward: The Path to Self-Awareness

One powerful approach is practicing mindfulness and self-awareness. Becoming attuned to our own thoughts and emotions helps us uncover the roots of our desire to change others.

Consider this: Are you seeking validation through their changes? Or are you fearing rejection if things stay the same? These insights open the door to personal growth and emotional clarity.

For more on this topic, see Self‑Differentiation and Why It Matters in Families and Relationships.

For deeper context on this practice, you might also explore Verywell Mind’s guide to self-awareness.

Setting Realistic Expectations in Fulfilling Relationships

Accepting that we can’t control others is liberating. It allows us to love and appreciate them as they are, not as we wish they would be.

This doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. Instead, it means:

• Setting healthy boundaries
• Clearly communicating your needs
• Letting go of perfectionism

Learn more in Making Love Last: The Importance of Emotional Intelligence.

Communicating for Connection, Not Control

Effective communication is crucial. Rather than blaming or criticizing, share your perspective honestly and respectfully. Use “I” statements:

• “I feel hurt when…”
• “I need support in…”

This approach fosters empathy and connection, making space for understanding and mutual growth.

See Conflict in Relationships: Do You Own Your Responsibility? for strategies to enhance responsibility and connection.

The Power of Outcome Independence in Growth

Outcome independence is a transformative mindset, especially in personal development and therapy. It means focusing less on the result and more on the journey.

When we detach from specific outcomes:

• We reduce fear of failure
• We become open to experience
• We celebrate progress over perfection

Therapists often use this to help clients embrace self-discovery. By trusting the process, we create space for true transformation.

Explore this concept further in Mindfulness and the Art of Letting Go.

Final Thoughts: Creating Meaningful, Fulfilling Relationships

Ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. When we shift our focus inward, toward growth, awareness, and intentional response—we enrich not only our lives but our relationships.

Embracing change within can lead to more fulfilling relationships built on balance, understanding, and mutual respect. It’s a journey worth taking.

See how Five Domains of a Healthy Relationship: Mindfulness and Resilience outlines the role of mindfulness in relational well-being.

To further explore the emotional side of healthy connections, see this resource on how emotions influence our relationships from HelpGuide.org.

Most issues that bring couples to therapy are familiar laments: “We don’t have sex anymore.” “I can’t take the dirty socks everywhere.” “All my partner does is work.” Some are earth-shattering, like experiencing a betrayal or coming face to face with a dealbreaker. But they all reveal the same underlying distress: People don’t feel connected to one another; they’re missing the essence of the relationship. Feeling disconnected is a significant loss, and couples come to therapy hurt, angry, and depleted, saying they have nothing left to give to foster the closeness they long for. They wonder how they can ever get that feeling back. It is possible. The key to feeling connected is first feeling safe. I collaborate with couples to find their “dance,” a new way to be with one another, which creates the foundation for a connected relationship — their secure base.

Of course, it starts with communication. Exploring unexpressed feelings, wants, and desires and addressing the details of interactions creates safety and connectedness. While we explore the hurts, we help shape new speaking and listening skills that cultivate care, empathy, and curiosity. As communication shifts from debates about winning to conversations that seek understanding, healing ensues, and trust grows.

The Power to Change the Dance

The most powerful way to create safety and ignite connection is with body language, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, tone of voice, and even how we move through space. It’s known as non-verbal communication. It’s the cornerstone of attachment. Neuroscientists contend that a person’s sense of safety mainly comes from non-verbal cues. Most of us are unaware we send powerful signals with our posture, gestures, and voices. Between 50 and 93 percent of what we take in from others is expressed without words. Non-verbal communication is what regulates relationships. It can work against us, or we can become aware of it and use it to change our lives.

How can this “Superpower” create a connection? We can intentionally shift posture, movements, eye contact, and tone as quickly as we shape verbal language. I begin collaborating with couples on their “new dance” by asking “choreography questions.” While exploring their words, we simultaneously consider the non-verbal components: Where were you in the room during this impasse? Describe your tone. Were you looking at one another or on your phone? Then, we expand this inquiry to learn the specific steps of their “dance .”Where do they sit at the dinner table? What does the greeting look like when someone returns home? How do you want to be received after a long day?

Of all the non-verbal expressions, touch is among the most effective. It is essential to learn how physical touch works in the couple’s relationship, what it means to them, and how it makes them feel. If the couple is responsive to touch, we may use an intervention like “noticing when your partner gets it right,” with a hand on the shoulder, eye contact, and a smile. It will raise the impact of the praise and catapult our couple’s connection. We practice this in the therapeutic space and encourage its continuation into their lives. If touch isn’t the couple’s preferred language, we explore the best way to signal positive messages.

Parenting Moves

Children are especially attuned to body language. Couples looking for parenting support are empowered by understanding the impact of their non-verbal messages. Children test boundaries and exert control by separating parents, leading to marital conflict– which then causes children to feel unsafe and act out more. We help parents present a united front with consistent limits to interrupt these dynamics. Having a united front sends a message of safety to children, gains their cooperation, and reduces acting out. But when parents stand next to one other while setting limits, they create a parenting coalition that conveys a sense of security far more powerfully than words. And they don’t have to agree about every aspect of child-rearing to have one another’s back stand next to one another.

I encourage parents to greet one another at the front door with a hug, sit next to one another at the dinner table, and call the other parent in front of the children to say, “I care about you.” I ask parents: “What else can you do? “How could you present yourself to your children to convey the message: “We are in this parenting thing together?” One client, whose partner was out of town, came up with the idea of going to their bedroom and making a quick phone call to their partner. It took five minutes, and it sent children the message that no amount of distance separates their parents. There was no begging for extra TV time that night. The client changed the “dance.” Strategies to send non-verbal messages can also support single parents and divorced parents engaged in co-parenting.

Targeting Trauma

Couples with one or more members who have experienced developmental trauma or are experiencing current relational trauma like an affair are susceptible to non-verbal cues. Memories of traumatic events are stored differently than narrative memory. Overwhelming experiences are “remembered” in our bodies. This capability impacts our ability to read cues in the social landscape as safe or non-safe. Often, couples see danger and rejection when none is present or intended. For instance, a client who experienced abandoning parents may feel rejected and unworthy if their partner comes home from work and suddenly checks their email. This typical misstep may trigger a well of pain from the past that doesn’t fit with the present. The injured person may automatically “shut down” in a self-protection mode, responding with robotic answers and avoiding touch. The other couple members then feel confused rejected, and distances themselves, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. These unspoken misunderstandings cause significant relational injury, which raises the stakes and the need for interventions that target the couple’s “dance.” Attending to the couples’ non-verbal, automatic responses is the key to creating the security required to foster connection and healing. What we say matters, but how we say it means more.

Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory

Supporting couples in creating the relationship they want is an exciting aspect of treatment. All connections are invited, and anything is possible when the mission collaborates to create a secure base of connectedness. Connecting entails exploring non-verbal, automatic reactions and engaging reflective responses to find the couple’s unique “dance.”

Can you recall an experience of being in a conversation with a friend or at work where people were talking “over” each other? Interesting things might have been said, but you may not have been able to follow the conversation or truly connect with anyone. Was that frustrating? Discouraging? Or what about an experience where someone was asking one question after another, just talking non-stop, and there was no mutual dialogue. How did this feel? Boring? Flat? Tiring?

Nearly all of us may have had the experience where we have been talking, and you can tell the other person is just waiting for us to finish so they can jump in with their story. Did you really feel heard?

When we are not connected in conversation, we can’t truly be in relationship with the person we are talking to. Active listening is about creating that connection. With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

How Can Active and Engaged Listening Help?

Being actively engaged is both an art and a skill. By remembering that power is the ability to have an effect or to have influence, you can create many choice points in a conversation to use your power to actively engage and influence how the conversation goes. By not using your power to positively influence a conversation, you might be using it to create barriers in your relationships. Often, we unconsciously misuse our power by under-using it. We let things go rather than having the courage to shift communication to be deeper or broader, or simply to help the talk be more fun and interesting.

With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

Here are some experiments you could try to see how engaged and relationship-oriented you are in your conversations. These all are practices for engaging in active listening.

Active Listening: Demonstrate That You Understand

We want to be understood. We want to know we are being listened to. Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before. You don’t have to repeat every word that was said. Simple phrases like “Got it” or “That sounds exciting” could be all that’s needed. And magically, feeling listened to will encourage the person to go on. This is the first step of active listening. Whether you are in a leadership role or trying to create a conversation with someone you care about, it is good to make sure you are at least practicing this step.

If you want to go to the next level where you are involved in a give-and-take conversation that actively grows the relationship on both sides, here’s some more guidance. This step, beyond active listening, we call engaged listening.

Engaged listening uses three strategies:

1. Connecting Comments

A connecting comment begins with making a link between what the other person is saying and your own experience.

For example: “My version of what you are saying is _________,” or “You are speaking of _________. That makes me think of _________.”

Making a connecting comment does double duty. It demonstrates that you understand and it offers you a way to include yourself and focus on something that is also of interest to you.

2. Curiosity

When making a connecting comment, you want to be guided by something about what the person is saying or how you are experiencing them that interests you or that you are curious about. Here’s where you can guide the conversation in a desired direction.

For example: “I’m really curious about what got you interested in _________. Could you tell me more?” Or, “I recently had a similar experience, and it made me curious about _________.”

Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before.

3. Deepening Questions

These are questions that take the conversation deeper and could also be called open-ended questions. Keep in mind questions that can be answered simply by yes or no, or even a few words, generally don’t take you deeper or to a new place. Questions that ask a person to expand on their experience by not leading to a choice (yes or no) will do wonders to keep a conversation from dead-ending. An easy way to try this would be to use questions that start with “how” or “why.”

You can sense that engaged listening is happening when people are able to demonstrate listening to each other through connecting their experience, bringing themselves into the talk with curiosity, and exploring new ideas through deepening questions.

Here are a few examples:

At Work

“Is your project done yet?”—“No.”

• Impact: Dead-end and person may feel criticized.
• Instead: “How is your project going?”—“It’s going pretty well.”

“Are there any obstacles?”—“ No.”

• Impact: Dead-end and person may feel criticized.
• Instead: “I’m curious about what obstacles you are encountering.”

At a Party

“Who do you know here?”—“Nancy and Jim.”

• Impact: New question is needed immediately.
• Instead: “How do you know people here?” This opens an opportunity to tell about how you know people at the party. It allows for an answer such as, “I don’t know them through the singing group, I know them through the swim club.” 

Where did you grow up? “Minnesota.”—(No pause.) “I saw a good movie this week.”

• Impact: The person doesn’t feel heard. There is no connecting comment that includes them in how the movie you mention is related to where they grew up. You’ll keep talking, but they won’t likely keep listening.
• Instead: “Where did you grow up?”—“Minnesota.”—”Minnesota, eh? You know, that makes me think of a good movie I saw where one of the scenes was in Minnesota. What’s the best movie you’ve seen recently? I really like movies.” You might not have anything to talk about regarding Minnesota, so you can draw the conversation to something that could interest both of you.

“Do you do any kind of exercise?”—“Yes.”

• Impact: Dead-end through a yes or no question.
• Instead: “What kind of exercise is most satisfying to you?”—“Swimming.” Then, follow with an interest of yours: “I’ve really been searching for the right kind of exercise for me. What led you to swimming?”

The keys for engaged listening, as a right use of your power and influence, are to demonstrate you understand, guide the conversation toward a topic that is interesting to you both, make connecting comments that create links between you, and ask “how” or “why” questions to open up new territory. In turn, this leads to healthier and more connected relationships. In addition, you may feel more interested in others and more confident in your ability to use your power toward increased well-being.

If communication issues are negatively impacting your day-to-day life or ability to function, there is help. Search for a therapist in your area who can help you learn and practice strategies to help you connect with others.

Recently, I was riding in the car with my very spirited three-year-old. I had picked her up early from a play date to race across town. She was very distressed to leave her friend and let me know all about her distress through high-pitched screams. I knew she needed some comfort, a calming voice, and a nurturing tone to help comfort her in her distress.

Do you know what I noticed? It was so hard to give her the comfort she needed because I was having such a strong reaction inside of me. The sound of her cries alone created feelings of angst and anxiety in me. I was also feeling frustration and anger that she had created such a scene as I carried her kicking and screaming out of her friend’s house.

In the moment she was in distress and needed the comfort of her mother, I had to work very hard to manage my own emotions to lean in and appropriately comfort her.

As a therapist, it is easy to lean in and provide comfort, reassurance, and understanding to my clients. The reason it is so easy is that I am not the source of their pain. As they speak of the pain, usually caused by other people or situations in their lives, I can easily elicit feelings of compassion and care without defensiveness. I can do so because there is not a complicated storm of emotion inside of me.

Have I Caused Pain?

When you are the one who caused the pain, and when the hurt in your partner is a result of your actions, the process of offering comfort and compassion is much more complicated. When couples come in to therapy, it is usually because there is hurt between them. Usually, they have been unable to find comfort, care, and compassion in their partner to ease the hurt. They may often conclude that the reason their partner is not able to be there for them in the way they need is either that their partner doesn’t care or that they aren’t capable.

There is a good reason providing comfort can be difficult. Hurting your partner, the one that you love, feels awful. It can be brutally hard to think about, hear about, or see the tears, anger, and pain in your partner and know it’s been caused by you.

Addressing the Pain in Therapy

I remember a couple who came to therapy due to the husband’s affair. His wife was so hurt and angry that whenever she brought up her pain, he would shut down, leave the room, or tell her she “needed to get over it.”

When asked about his reactions to his wife, he told me “When she brings it up, she is reminding me of the worst thing I have ever done. It can be unbearable to think about.” It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner. To be there for one’s partner in a comforting and healing way, it is necessary to manage these strong emotions within oneself.

If you are looking to speak to a therapist reach out to one of our therapists in Pittsburgh, PA or find a therapist closer to you.

It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner.

How to Provide Comfort: 6 Tips

1. Recognize how much your partner needs you. When you are the source of your partner’s pain, it can be easy to think “I’ve caused your pain, I’m the last person you want to comfort you.” Exactly the opposite is often true. If you have caused pain in your partner, you can be one of the most helpful people in comforting that pain.

2. Find a support person. It can be a difficult, daunting, and frustrating process to rebuild and repair a relationship after major hurts have occurred. Your efforts to make things better may be rejected or criticized by your hurting spouse. You may need a therapist to help you manage your emotions of shame, frustration, hopelessness, and rejection in order to keep showing up for your partner in a comforting way. Also, if you feel stuck in your efforts to repair hurts in your relationship, you may need a couples therapist to help guide you.

3. Be flexible with what your partner needs. One day your partner may need to be left alone. The next they may need to be held. When there have been relational hurts, these needs can change by the hour or the day. There is often not a single, foolproof approach that works. Be willing to adapt your approach as your partner’s needs change.

4. Learn what comfort feels like for your partner. There are a lot of ways to provide comfort for your partner. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, physical and emotional closeness from our partner is one of the most powerful ways to experience comfort. Physical closeness can be achieved through being held, hugged, holding hands, or cuddling. Emotional closeness can include the following:

• Providing reassurance: “I love you,” “I am here for you,” “I’m not going anywhere.”
• Validating the hurt: “Of course this hurt you deeply.”
• Understanding the hurt: “Tell me more about what you are going through.”
• Hearing the hurt: “You can tell me how you feel. I want to know.”
• Showing remorse: “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.”

A great place to start is, “When you are hurting like this, what helps the most? What do you need from me right now?”

5. Express a willingness to do whatever it takes. It can be easy to feel like there is nothing you can do to make this better. You may think, “Anything I say only makes things worse” or “I don’t know what to do to make things better.” It can be comforting for your hurt partner to hear “I’m not sure how to help, but I know I want to help.” Let them know that although you might not always know how, you want to make things better, and you are willing to learn how to do that.

6. Open up. Expressing your emotions and showing vulnerabilities may not be your strong suit. However, it can be comforting for your hurting partner to know you are hurting too, and that they are not in this hurt alone. It can be very healing for your partner to hear and see that you hurt because they hurt.

Reference:

Johnson, S., (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

Emotional connection is the bond that keeps people together. It is the glue in relationships. Many couples don’t realize that if they are not regularly connecting on an emotional level, the link that keeps them together weakens.

In a previous article, I wrote about what happens to our brains when we feel emotionally disconnected from a partner or spouse. We can feel like our sense of security is threatened, causing us to become fearful. The amygdala, the almond-shaped region in the midbrain, acts as an alarm system, and a sense of panic can set in.

When we don’t get relief by reconnecting to loved ones, this can put us in a hyperaroused emotional state. This, in turn, can cause our stress levels to heighten due to elevated cortisol. Physical and mental health and well-being may suffer if cortisol stays elevated over a long period.

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In Dr. John Gottman’s research, he identified an important dynamic that healthy and emotionally intelligent couples exercise: turning toward one another. Turning toward is a subtle or brief positive exchange that helps to deepen a couple’s emotional connection.

When partners turn toward one another, they are practicing what Gottman refers to as “bids.” Bids are attempts to connect using affection, support, humor, or attention. These interactions can be verbal or nonverbal. A person may be aware or unaware of the use of a bid, which may look like any of the following:

• A gentle touch
• A hug or kiss
• A smile
• A kind remark
• Listening
• A playful gesture
• A word of encouragement
• Sharing a news event
• Saying “I love you”

Bids can result in deeper intimacy, greater romance, passion, and a more satisfying sex life.

Bids can result in deeper intimacy, greater romance, passion, and a more satisfying sex life. Gottman explains that one secret to lasting love among couples is turning toward each other in little ways every day. He found in his research that couples who regularly practice emotionally connecting stay together longer than those who do not.

Couples who don’t practice daily bids can more easily lose their way. When we are not emotionally connecting on a regular basis, our loved ones can feel uncared for or unvalued. The trap of taking a spouse or partner for granted can sneak up, especially if the couple has been together for a long time.

Given our busy and hectic lives, it is understandable how we can lose track of letting a loved one know how much we appreciate them. The risk of emotional disconnection is greater when we feel burdened, overwhelmed, or stressed.

How to Emotionally Connect with Your Partner

Here are two things you can do today to emotionally connect with your partner or spouse:

1. Be intentional about turning toward your partner.

Being intentional and practicing emotional connection every day can make a big difference. You don’t need to wait and plan an expensive vacation to emotionally connect. You can start right now, right where you are.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you going. If you are near your partner or spouse, try reaching out and holding their hand. If you are not with your partner or spouse, text a sweet message or call and let them know you are thinking about them.

When you practice emotionally connecting every day, it is like putting money in your emotional bank account. You are investing in your relationship. The more you put in, the greater your love will grow. Having a substantial savings account can help in challenging times.

2. Make a list of things you can do to lean in toward your partner.

If this sounds simple, it is.

List the things you can do to turn toward your partner. It can be a mental list or a written list. This might take a little time and effort, especially if you have gotten out of practice. Putting the list in a place you can regularly see it will help you to remember to reach out and connect.

Try this exercise for a month and see how it can begin to reshape your emotional connection and create a deeper bond. Consistency is key; the more often, the better.

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Conclusion

If you feel you and your partner or spouse have strayed too far in your emotional connection, you could benefit from the help of a marriage and family therapist. Just because you are experiencing emotional disconnection from your partner doesn’t mean you can’t find your way back; it just may require a little help. Reach out. There is hope.

Reference:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.