Discovering a betrayal in your relationship can be devastating. Whether it’s an infidelity, a hidden truth, or another breach of trust, the emotional impact is profound. At this moment, you may feel overwhelmed by hurt and uncertainty. However, if both partners are committed to healing, trust can be rebuilt. Here’s a three-step approach to restoring connection and security in your relationship. 

Step 1: Prioritizing Rebuilding Over Resentment 

Before any real healing can begin, there must be a stronger desire to rebuild trust than to hold onto anger or resentment. This may seem obvious, but without consciously choosing this mindset, progress is impossible. Ask yourself: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? True reconciliation requires a willingness to focus on moving forward rather than staying stuck in the pain of the past. 

Step 2: Taking Ownership of Your Part 

Trust is a two-way street, and healing begins when at least one partner is willing to take full responsibility for their role in the relationship dynamic. Even if your partner refuses to acknowledge their mistakes, you can still make progress by examining your own contributions—without self-blame, but with honesty and self-awareness. A powerful principle in personal growth states: “Be the first to take full responsibility.” This doesn’t mean excusing the betrayal but rather creating space for genuine transformation. 

Step 3: Leading with Vulnerability 

The final key to restoring trust is the courage to let go of defenses and embrace vulnerability. When one partner approaches the situation with openness—without the need to justify, attack, or defend—it naturally softens the other person’s stance. Even if their initial reaction is frustration or continued hurt, consistently showing up with sincerity and care will ultimately shift the dynamic. Over time, they will recognize the depth of your commitment and respond in kind. 

The Ultimate Path to Trust Restoration 

At its core, rebuilding trust requires caring more about the relationship’s success than about proving a point. This doesn’t mean sacrificing your boundaries or needs—it means choosing connection over conflict. While this approach demands courage, the rewards are profound: when one partner leads with accountability and openness, the other often follows. 

Healing takes time, but every small step in this direction strengthens the foundation of your relationship. If you commit to this path, you may find that not only is trust restored, but the bond between you grows even deeper than before. 

Breakups and Closure 

Breakups are hard. It’s rare to come out of a relationship where either party feels great at the time of the breakup, let alone both parties. Even when you are the one doing the breaking up, there are often some difficult feelings involved, such as guilt, ambivalence, fear, sadness, anger, etc. When you are on the receiving end, it’s not uncommon for these feelings to be amplified, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming. When we are struggling with a breakup, we just want the pain to go away.  We seek answers for what happened. We look for evidence of what went wrong or signs that things will change. We try to push ourselves to move on to the next person. We crave closure! 

What is Closure? 

It can be easy to confuse escaping the pain of a breakup with closure. Closure doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t feel sad or disappointed that the relationship ended. Rather, closure means that we know and accept that the relationship has ended, and we can leave it in the past and move on with our lives.  

The experience of closure may look different from person to person, and, in some ways, it is easier to explain what closure is not, rather than what closure is. Closure means that we are no longer preoccupied with thoughts of the relationship or breakup. We are not rehashing what went wrong, questioning what we could have done or said differently, wondering what the other person is doing, trying to reach out to our exes to get questions answered, etc. The relationship and breakup are not taking up more real estate in our brains than any other past relationship or breakup.   

Closure does not always mean that we are ready to go out and meet someone new. We can have closure and allow ourselves a period to be alone, if we are doing it for ourselves (i.e., without the hope of reconciliation), with the knowledge that we will want to love again and that we can and will find love again.  

Closure frees us from the emotional pain of the relationship, allows us to learn more about what we need in a future relationship, and brings us closer to finding the right person for us.  

Giving Closure When Ending a Relationship 

It is difficult to try to give someone else closure in a breakup because we can’t know how the other person will feel or take the breakup. They may still search for answers, blame you or themselves, or hold out hope. However, it is helpful for everyone to try to give some closure in a breakup, no matter the reason for the breakup. Whether you are conflicted about the relationship ending or can’t get out of the relationship fast enough, closure helps free you from the emotional entanglement of the relationship and ensures that you are both able to move in different directions.   

Ways to help bring someone else closer to closure at the time of the breakup. 

• Be clear that the relationship is permanently over. Do not try to soften the blow by throwing in temporary time frames that leave the possibility of a future reconciliation.  
• Provide a reason for the breakup but try to avoid blame in either direction. Blaming a partner leads to them asking questions about themselves and what they could have done differently. Blaming yourself can make it seem as if you or the relationship can be “fixed” leaving hope of a future reconciliation. Instead of blame, be clear that you just aren’t a good fit for one another, and it won’t work out. 
• Do not ask or offer to remain friends. This isn’t fair to either party, especially if you weren’t friends before the relationship. Should you bump into each other one day down the road and decide to have a friendship, that is one thing, but it is important to sever contact in the immediate wake of a breakup. This includes following on social media.

Getting Closure 

We aren’t always given sufficient closure in relationships and often need to find it for ourselves. To do this, it is important to be clear about what it means. To have closure, we do not have to know, agree with, understand, or accept the reason why the relationship ended, we only must truly know, understand, and accept the fact that the relationship is permanently over and leave it in the past. Leaving the relationship in the past is often the part where we struggle when we are trying to find closure for ourselves. When we get caught up in trying to figure out answers, rehashing details, or believing that we won’t find closure until we feel good about the breakup, we are preventing ourselves from finding closure. These beliefs keep the relationship very active in our minds (instead of in the past) and keep us feeling stuck. 

Strategies for Finding Closure 

• Cut ties with the ex- Do not remain friends. Do not meet up for any reason. Do not reach out for questions or to get answers. Unfollow on social media. 
• Fill your time with things you love doing- make plans with friends, take up a new hobby, learn something new, and find some new TV shows to watch.  
• Allow yourself some time to feel bad- accept that breakups are hard and give yourself the space to feel that rather than fighting it.  
• Make your home as comfortable as possible- Since you may initially find yourself spending more time at home, treat it like a sanctuary. Get rid of reminders of your ex and bring in small things that make you smile and feel good about yourself. 
• Get support. Reach out to friends and family when you need to share your feelings. Have them also hold you accountable for any self-sabotaging behaviors that prolong closure (e.g., ruminating, obsessing, seeking answers, initiating contact with your ex, etc.).    
• Reflect, but don’t obsess. Think about what worked for you in the relationship and what didn’t. Make note of those things for the next relationship. 
• Remind yourself that, ultimately, the relationship ended because this wasn’t the right person for you. Leaving the relationship allows you the opportunity to find a relationship that better meets your needs.   

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

• Not blame the other person for the need to cool down (Rather, say something like, “I’m getting upset and I’m having trouble hearing you over my thoughts”).
• Promise to pick up the topic later and follow up.
• The reply to a request for a cool-down should consist of one word: OK. 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

Businesses have long used the term churn to denote the loss of customers and clients. More recently, psychologists have introduced the concept of relationship churn. In this context, relationship churn refers to unstable on-again, off-again relationships. When couples break up and then reconcile—sometimes many times in a row—this is churn.

Although more prevalent among adolescents and young adults, people of all ages can experience relationship churn. Churning relationships often inspire intense emotions. A person may cycle through intense love, anger, jealousy, grief, and anxiety over the state of the relationship in just a few days.

How Common Are On-Again, Off-Again Relationships?

Relationship churn is a new concept that remains poorly studied, so it is unclear how common these tumultuous relationships are. Most research into the topic has examined relationships among people in their teens, twenties, and thirties, so most data on the topic apply to adolescents and emerging adults. A 2012 study of adolescents and young adults found 44% of participants who had a romantic relationship during the two years prior to the study had at least one breakup followed by a reconciliation. A 2013 study found that more than a third of couples who break up will reunite. The same study found that a fifth of married people experience relationship churn.

Defining relationship churn can prove challenging. One partner might think the couple has reconciled after they have sex, even when the other thinks they are still fighting. Likewise, breakups are not always certain. One partner might think the couple is merely taking time apart even as the other believes the relationship to be permanently over.

The media is filled with depictions of on-again, off-again relationships. Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory broke up only to later reunite and marry. Ross and Rachel on Friends spent much of the series pining away for one another. They remained broken up even after having a child and finally reconciled in the season finale.

Why People Get Back with Their Ex

Permanently breaking up with a partner can be very difficult. Even when a relationship is irretrievably broken (or even abusive), partners may love one another or experience intense infatuation and attraction.

A 2017 study identified numerous reasons for the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, including:

• Believing that problems in the relationship will improve or that the breakup may change a partner’s behavior.
• A strong sense of investment in the relationship.
• Relationship ambivalence. For example, a person might dislike relationship conflict but feel intense love or trust for their partner.
• Uncertainty about the future, which may motivate couples both to break up and to later get back together.
• A sense of familial duty. Even if a relationship is unhappy, partners may reunite because of family obligations.
• Fear of being alone. Singlehood can be difficult, especially for someone who is accustomed to being in a relationship. For some people, such as those with separation anxiety or anxious attachment styles, being single can be scary. Even if a relationship is unhappy, loneliness can trigger a reconciliation.

Bringing Up Baggage

Everyone brings their life experiences to their relationships. These experiences color their expectations, their perceptions of what is normal, and their hopes and fears about the relationship. A reunion following a breakup is no different. However, it can be difficult for couples to separate the baggage from their prior relationship from the new relationship.

Research published in 2013 found that ongoing relationship churn makes it progressively more difficult to end the relationship. Couples trapped in a cycle of breaking up and making up report lower relationship satisfaction and greater uncertainty about the future of the relationship. Another 2013 study found that high-churn relationships had higher conflict than stable relationships, including relationships in which couples remained stably broken up.

This doesn’t mean that it is impossible for a relationship to succeed following a breakup. Some people even successfully remarry after an acrimonious divorce and are able to enjoy many years of happy marriage.

To increase the odds of success a second—or third—time around, it’s important to identify what went wrong in the earlier relationship. A therapist may be able to help couples sort through old issues. Treating the new relationship as a fresh start may also help. Bringing up long-resolved emotional wounds, especially as a weapon in fights, can make it difficult to move forward.

When Should You Break Up for Good?

Relationships in which there is abuse—including verbal, sexual, physical, or financial abuse—are not safe for either partner. Reuniting without addressing the abuse is a recipe for further abuse, and it may give the abusive partner greater control. Likewise, when a partner is abusive to children, reuniting can be traumatic to the kids and harmful to the entire family. Before considering a reunion, each partner must weigh the effects of the relationship on their physical and emotional wellbeing.

Abuse isn’t the only reason to break up for good. Some signs that a relationship is doomed include:

• Continually repeating old patterns. Every couple has a few fights that repeat themselves. But if a couple continues to fight about the same things that caused the earlier break-up, this may indicate the relationship is beyond repair.
• Getting back together without discussing relationship problems. Couples who reunite without committing to sustained change tend to repeat the same patterns as before.
• Reuniting solely because of loneliness or jealousy. Getting back together without a commitment to ongoing communication and relationship improvements can make the next breakup even more painful.

A couples counselor may be able to help couples assess whether their relationship can be saved and what must happen to save it. Therapy can even ease the breakup process by offering support to each partner and helping couples transition to a different type of relationship. For parents of young children who must continue to co-parent, therapy can be particularly helpful.

Both partners do not have to go to therapy to see improvements. It takes two people to create relationship conflict. Individual therapy can help a person identify their role in the conflict. It may also help a person understand why they keep returning to the relationship. If the relationship ends, the right therapist can help ease feelings of grief, jealousy, or low self-esteem.

Find a therapist who can help you cope with relationship churn here.

References:

1. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W., Giordano, P., & Longmore, M. (2012). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: on/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166-188. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0743558412464524
2. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W., Giordano, P., & Longmore, M. (2013). Relationship churning, physical violence, and verbal abuse in young adult relationships. Journal of Marriage And Family, 75(1), 2-12. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/256378542_Relationship_Churning_Physical_Violence_and_Verbal_Abuse_in_Young_Adult_Relationships
3. Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2017). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: unpacking the content and structure of relationship stay/leave decision processes. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 9(6), 631-644. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/stoken/default+domain/rSnPjUjJKhefxXSuwIJt/full
4. Vennum, A., Lindstrom, R., Monk, J., & Adams, R. (2013). “It’s complicated”: The continuity and correlates of cycling in cohabiting and marital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(3), 410-430. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407513501987