Patterns are repetitive behaviours, thoughts, or emotional reactions that develop over time and are often connected to underlying beliefs. Whether we realize it or not, patterns shape the way we respond to situations, interact with others, and see ourselves. The more we repeat a behaviour or thought process, the more our brain accepts it as normal or true.
Self-awareness
Underlying beliefs
Healthier habits
In this blog
| How patterns work | |
| Positive and negative patterns | |
| Where patterns begin | |
| A personal pattern example | |
| Awareness creates choice |
How Patterns Work
For example, someone may believe that every time they walk a certain route home, they always trip over the same uneven piece of sidewalk. Instead of changing their route or paying closer attention, they continue to walk the same way and expect the same outcome. Over time, the belief becomes reinforced: "I always fall there." This is how patterns work. They repeat themselves until we become aware enough to interrupt them.
Positive and Negative Patterns
Not all patterns are negative. Some patterns can improve our quality of life and support our well-being. Regular exercise, maintaining healthy relationships, practicing self-care, or connecting with loved ones are all positive patterns that can increase happiness and emotional stability. However, many patterns can also become limiting or destructive.
Some common negative patterns include:
| Entering unhealthy or destructive relationships | |
| Procrastinating | |
| Avoiding exercise or healthy habits | |
| Being chronically late | |
| Overcommitting | |
| People-pleasing | |
| Perfectionism |
Even when these patterns create stress or unhappiness, people often continue repeating them because they are deeply rooted and largely unconscious.
Where Patterns Begin
Many of our patterns begin in childhood. The way we were raised, the experiences we had, and the messages we received from parents, society, and the media all contribute to how we see ourselves and how we behave. From a young age, we begin forming beliefs about our worth, safety, acceptance, and success. These beliefs can follow us into adulthood and influence our decisions without us fully realizing it.
A gentle place to start
If a repeated pattern is affecting your mood, relationships, or daily life, a therapist can help you explore it without judgment. You can use GoodTherapy’s directory to find a therapist who fits your needs.
A Personal Pattern Example
I recently became more aware of one of my own recurring patterns with the help of my partner. Sometimes the people closest to us can recognize behaviours that we cannot easily see ourselves. My pattern involves rushing around at the last minute before leaving the house. Looking back, I realize I have done this for years.
Before going somewhere, I often start multiple unnecessary tasks that suddenly feel urgent. I might begin doing dishes, vacuuming, or starting laundry even though I know I do not really have enough time. The result is always the same: I feel stressed, rushed, and overwhelmed.
At first, I thought I simply struggled with time management. However, after reflecting more deeply, I realized there was a belief underneath the behaviour. I had developed a fear of being judged if my house was not perfectly clean. Once I became aware of this belief, I started to better understand why I kept repeating the same stressful pattern.
Notice the belief underneath
A pattern often makes more sense when you can see the belief, fear, or pressure beneath it. That awareness can make the next choice feel a little more possible.
Awareness Creates Choice
Awareness has allowed me to begin making different choices. Instead of automatically reacting to the anxiety I feel, I can pause and ask myself what is truly important in the moment. I still struggle with this pattern sometimes but recognizing it has helped me approach it with more intention and self-awareness.
Even while writing this, I can relate to the challenge of balancing priorities. My workspace may not be perfectly organized, I may want more time to exercise, and there are always other tasks competing for attention. However, understanding my patterns helps me decide what truly matters instead of reacting automatically out of stress or fear.
Patterns are deeply rooted and changing them takes time. The first step is becoming aware of what is no longer working in your life. Once we identify the behaviours and beliefs that keep repeating, we can begin making conscious choices that support healthier habits and healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
Awareness creates choice. When we understand our patterns, we are no longer stuck repeating them automatically. Instead, we gain the ability to create new patterns that better align with the life we want to live.
Frequently Asked Questions
Common questions about recognizing patterns and making small changes.
Sources and Further Reading
Support for New Patterns
Therapy can help you explore repeated patterns and practice new responses with more compassion and support.
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About the Author Bobbie Cochrane, MC, RSW, CCPRegistered Social Worker in Airdrie, Alberta Bobbie Cochrane, MC, RSW, CCP supports people navigating trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, life transitions, and stress management. Her work emphasizes a compassionate, goal-focused process that helps people move forward while making sense of the experiences that shaped them. Her approach may include EMDR, mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnosis, and self-awareness practices. In this article, she reflects on how recognizing repeated thoughts, feelings, and actions can help people approach change with more intention and choice. |
 Have you ever felt responsible for someone else’s happiness? Do you catch yourself saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? For many, this isn’t just a bad habit, it’s a deeper pattern called codependency.
Sarah’s story illustrates just how quietly and powerfully codependency can take over a life, but more importantly, how recovery is possible.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a relational pattern where a person’s sense of identity, self-worth, or emotional stability becomes excessively tied to another person’s needs, approval, or behaviors.
According to Mental Health America, codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship” and is often called “relationship addiction.”
It often looks like:
- Over-responsibility: feeling compelled to fix or rescue others
- People-pleasing: neglecting one’s own needs to keep others happy
- Poor boundaries: difficulty saying no or separating your emotions from others’
- Low self-esteem: valuing yourself only by how much you give or sacrifice
At its core, codependency is about losing yourself in someone else’s life, mistaking enmeshment for love.
The Origins of Codependency: Understanding the Roots
The term “codependency” emerged in the 1970s-1980s within the addiction recovery movement:
- Originally used to describe partners or family members of people with alcoholism
- The concept came from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Al-Anon groups
- These loved ones were called “co-alcoholics” because their lives had become just as unmanageable as the person with addiction
- By the 1980s, therapists like Melody Beattie (author of Codependent No More, 1986) broadened the term beyond addiction
Research from the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction shows that codependent behaviors often develop from “early exposure to addiction behavior, resulting in their allowance of similar patterns of behavior” in adult relationships.
Why Codependency Matters for Mental Health & Faith
Mental health perspective: Codependency increases anxiety, depression, burnout, and identity confusion.
Faith perspective: It shifts trust from God to people, believing “If they’re okay, then I’m okay”, rather than resting in God’s unconditional love.
Learning to set healthy boundaries in relationships is essential for both mental and spiritual wellbeing.
Sarah’s Story: Living in the Shadow of Codependency
Sarah had always been the reliable one. Growing up in a home where her father struggled with alcohol and her mother withdrew, Sarah stepped in early to hold things together. She learned to keep the peace, anticipate everyone’s moods, and take care of problems before they erupted.
As an adult, Sarah carried those patterns into her relationships. She married Tom, a charismatic man who often struggled to keep jobs and manage stress. At first, she felt needed, she paid the bills, soothed his outbursts, and covered for him when he didn’t follow through.
But over time, Sarah’s life became smaller. She stopped seeing friends because Tom got jealous. She worked extra hours to keep their household afloat, telling herself it was “just for a season.” Inside, she felt constantly exhausted and anxious, but the thought of leaving Tom, or even saying no, filled her with guilt and fear.
When Tom was angry, Sarah took it as her failure. When he was happy, she felt a rush of relief, like she had done her job. Her emotions rose and fell entirely on his stability.
Sarah’s breaking point came when her teenage daughter confronted her: “Mom, you care more about keeping Dad calm than taking care of yourself. We need you too.” Those words pierced Sarah’s heart. She realized she had spent so long living for someone else that she didn’t know who she was anymore.
If you recognize yourself in Sarah’s story, you might want to read about common signs of codependent relationships to better understand these patterns. Understanding expert perspectives on codependent relationships can also provide valuable insights into the healing process.
8 Evidence-Based Coping Skills for Healing from Codependency
Healing from codependency requires learning to value yourself as much as you value others and building new habits of self-respect.
1. Set Clear Boundaries
- Practice saying “no” without over-explaining
- Recognize that someone else’s emotions are not yours to carry
- Remember: Boundaries are not walls, they are doors with locks, opened by choice, not obligation
2. Build Self-Awareness Through Reflection
- Journal about where you feel over-responsible
- Notice patterns of guilt or fear when you assert your needs
- Reflect on whether your choices come from love or fear of rejection
3. Shift Your Identity Foundation
Anchor your worth in something deeper than others’ approval, your faith, your values, your God-given identity.
Remember: You are not defined by what you do for others, but by who you are.
4. Practice Intentional Self-Care
- Schedule rest without guilt
- Engage in hobbies, creativity, or friendships outside caregiving roles
- Care for your body with sleep, exercise, and nutrition as acts of stewardship
Research shows that self-care strategies for relationships are crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and preventing codependent patterns from developing.
5. Seek Professional and Community Support
- Therapy and support groups (like Codependents Anonymous) provide guidance
- Healthy community breaks the isolation of codependency and models balanced relationships
- Research shows “Codependency can be difficult to change alone as codependent behaviors are often learned early on and reinforced over many years.”
Many people find it helpful to start with relationship inventory exercises to better understand their patterns before seeking professional help.
6. Allow Others to Own Their Choices
- Let go of the need to fix or rescue
- Trust that others can face their consequences and learn from them
- This doesn’t mean abandonment, it means respecting their autonomy
7. Develop Emotional Regulation Skills
- Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings without immediately acting
- Practice distinguishing between your emotions and others’ emotions
- Use grounding techniques when you feel the urge to “rescue”
8. Rebuild Your Support Network
- Reconnect with friends and family outside the codependent relationship
- Join groups or communities aligned with your values and interests
- Invest in relationships that are mutually supportive
Sarah’s Transformation: The Path Forward
With counseling and the support of a women’s group, Sarah began to set boundaries. She learned to say “no” without guilt, to let Tom take responsibility for his choices, and to give herself permission to rest.
At first, it felt wrong, like she was being selfish. But slowly, Sarah discovered freedom. She started painting again, reconnected with friends, and, most importantly, rebuilt her sense of worth not on how well she managed others, but on her identity as a beloved daughter of God.
Sarah’s journey reflects many inspiring stories of codependency recovery where people learn to distinguish between healthy caring and unhealthy enabling.
FAQ: Common Questions About Codependency
What are the main signs of codependency?
Key signs include feeling responsible for others’ emotions, difficulty saying no, low self-esteem tied to helping others, and fear of abandonment or rejection when setting boundaries.
Can codependency be cured?
While codependency isn’t a clinical diagnosis, the patterns can be changed through therapy, support groups, and developing healthy coping skills. Recovery is possible with commitment and support.
How long does codependency recovery take?
Recovery is a process that varies for each person. Many people see improvements in 3-6 months of consistent therapy and support group attendance, but deeper healing often takes 1-2 years.
What’s the difference between being caring and being codependent?
Caring comes from choice and maintains healthy boundaries. Codependency involves compulsive helping, losing yourself in others’ problems, and enabling unhealthy behaviors.
Can codependents have healthy relationships?
Yes! With recovery work, codependents can develop balanced, mutually supportive relationships based on choice rather than compulsion.
Take the First Step Toward Freedom
Codependency recovery isn’t about becoming selfish, it’s about becoming whole. When you learn to care for yourself with the same compassion you show others, you create space for authentic love to flourish.
Reflection Questions for Your Journey
- Where do I struggle most with people-pleasing or rescuing?
- How does fear of rejection or abandonment show up in my relationships?
- What boundary could I set this week that would protect my peace?
- How would my life feel different if I trusted God with others instead of carrying them myself?
Have you ever watched two people argue and thought, “Wow, they could really use some help?” Maybe you’ve even felt that way about your own relationship. When things get tough with your partner, it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop, repeating the same arguments without ever finding a solution.
That’s where couples therapy can come in. It’s like having a skilled referee for your relationship – someone who can help you understand each other better, communicate more effectively, and navigate those tricky situations with more ease.
What is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is like a special kind of counseling for romantic partners. It involves meeting with a trained therapist to work on the challenges you’re facing in your relationship. Think of it as a safe space where you and your partner can:
- Talk openly and honestly: Sometimes it’s hard to say what’s really bothering you to your partner directly. A therapist can create an environment where you both feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns.
- Learn new communication skills: Have you ever felt like you’re talking past each other? Couples therapy can teach you how to listen actively, express your needs clearly, and resolve conflicts constructively.
- Understand each other’s perspectives: It’s easy to get stuck in our own point of view. A therapist can help you see things from your partner’s perspective and understand their feelings more deeply.
- Identify and address underlying issues: Sometimes relationship problems stem from deeper issues like past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or different expectations. A therapist can help you uncover and address these underlying issues.
- Strengthen your bond: Couples therapy can help you reconnect with your partner, deepen your intimacy, and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Who Can Benefit from Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy isn’t just for couples on the verge of breaking up. It can be helpful for couples at any stage of their relationship, including:
- Couples who are experiencing frequent arguments or disagreements.
- Couples who feel disconnected or distant from each other.
- Couples who are facing major life transitions, such as marriage, parenthood, or career changes.
- Couples who are struggling to cope with infidelity, addiction, or other challenges.
- Couples who simply want to improve their communication and strengthen their relationship.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy
The first step is usually an initial meeting with the therapist. This is an opportunity to discuss your concerns and decide if couples therapy is the right fit for you.
During therapy sessions, you and your partner will work together with the therapist to explore your relationship. You might discuss things like:
- Communication patterns: How do you and your partner typically communicate? Are there any recurring patterns of communication that lead to conflict?
- Conflict resolution strategies: How do you and your partner usually handle disagreements? Are these strategies effective?
- Relationship goals: What are your hopes and dreams for your relationship? What changes would you like to see?
- Individual needs and concerns: What are each of your individual needs and concerns within the relationship?
The therapist will use a variety of techniques to help you work through these issues. These might include:
- Active listening exercises: Learning to truly listen to your partner without interrupting or getting defensive.
- Communication skills training: Learning to express your needs and feelings clearly and assertively.
- Conflict resolution techniques: Learning to negotiate and compromise effectively.
- Emotional regulation strategies: Learning to manage your emotions in a healthy way during conflict.
Finding a Therapist
Finding the right therapist is important. You want to find someone who you both feel comfortable with and who has experience working with couples. Here are some tips for finding a therapist:
- Ask for referrals: Talk to your doctor, friends, family members, or other trusted sources for referrals to qualified therapists.
- Check online directories: Many online directories allow you to search for therapists in your area based on their specialties and experience.
- Schedule consultations: Most therapists offer free initial consultations. This gives you a chance to meet with them, ask questions, and see if you feel comfortable working with them.
Remember:
Couples therapy is an investment in your relationship. It takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. But for many couples, it can be a valuable tool for overcoming challenges, strengthening their bond, and building a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.
Casual relationships have become increasingly popular in recent years as people seek more flexibility in their romantic and sexual lives. For many, the appeal lies in the freedom to connect with others without the expectations or pressures of a traditional commitment. However, navigating this territory requires a balance of openness, clear communication, and personal safety. In this guide, we’ll explore the dynamics of casual relationships, how to stay safe, and how to make the most of the experience. For those looking to connect with like-minded individuals, platforms like meet and fuck make it easier to find partners who share similar interests and goals.
1. Understanding the Appeal of Casual Relationships
Casual relationships offer the opportunity to explore intimacy and connection without the long-term commitments associated with traditional dating. According to a study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture, individuals who engage in casual relationships often report greater personal freedom, reduced stress, and enhanced self-awareness. The study highlights that many people turn to casual encounters as a way to prioritize personal growth, career goals, or simply to enjoy life without the constraints of a formal relationship.
This form of relationship can take various shapes, from friends with benefits to one-time hookups. The common denominator is mutual understanding and consent between both parties. For people who value their independence but still want to experience physical and emotional closeness, casual relationships provide a way to strike a balance between the two.
2. The Importance of Clear Communication
One of the foundational aspects of a successful casual relationship is clear and honest communication. Both partners need to be upfront about their intentions, boundaries, and expectations. This transparency ensures that neither party feels misled or hurt as the relationship progresses.
For example, it’s crucial to discuss what each person wants out of the relationship. Are you looking for a one-time connection, or are you open to ongoing casual encounters? Do you want to keep things purely physical, or is emotional closeness also important? Setting these parameters early on helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures that both partners are on the same page.
Moreover, ongoing communication is equally vital. As the relationship evolves, it’s important to check in with each other to ensure both partners are still comfortable with the arrangement. Platforms like sex near me make it easier to connect with people who are open to discussing these dynamics and finding mutually satisfying arrangements.
3. Staying Safe in Casual Relationships
Safety is paramount when engaging in casual relationships, especially if you’re meeting someone new. Here are a few key tips to ensure your well-being:
- Meet in Public First: When meeting someone for the first time, choose a public location like a coffee shop or bar. This provides a neutral and safe space to get to know each other before deciding to take things further.
- Share Your Plans: Let a trusted friend or family member know where you’re going and who you’re meeting. Sharing your location via your phone can provide an added layer of security.
- Practice Safe Sex: Always prioritize your sexual health by using protection, such as condoms, and getting tested regularly. Open conversations about sexual health with your partner are essential for mutual safety and trust.
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, don’t hesitate to leave the situation. Your safety and comfort should always come first.
4. Embracing the Fun and Freedom of Casual Connections
The beauty of casual relationships lies in their ability to bring excitement and novelty to your life. Whether you’re meeting new people, exploring different aspects of your personality, or simply enjoying the moment, casual relationships can be a source of joy and self-discovery.
To fully embrace the fun of these connections, it’s important to stay open-minded and adaptable. Be willing to step outside your comfort zone and try new experiences. This might include exploring new activities together, visiting unfamiliar places, or even trying new things in the bedroom. The goal is to create moments that feel fulfilling and memorable for both partners.
At the same time, it’s important to maintain a healthy sense of self-awareness. Understand your own needs and boundaries, and don’t be afraid to communicate them. This ensures that your casual relationships remain enjoyable and fulfilling without compromising your well-being or values.
5. The Psychological Benefits of Casual Relationships
Engaging in casual relationships can offer surprising psychological benefits. Research from the Journal of Sex Research suggests that individuals who approach casual encounters with a positive mindset often experience increased self-esteem, improved communication skills, and reduced feelings of loneliness. By interacting with different partners, people can gain a better understanding of their preferences, desires, and boundaries.
Moreover, casual relationships can serve as a form of stress relief, offering an escape from the demands of daily life. Sharing intimate moments with someone, even on a short-term basis, can foster feelings of connection and belonging. This can lead to greater overall happiness and emotional well-being.
Final Thoughts: Balancing Safety and Enjoyment in Casual Relationships
Casual relationships offer a unique way to explore intimacy, connection, and personal growth without the constraints of traditional dating. By prioritizing clear communication, mutual respect, and personal safety, you can create fulfilling and enjoyable experiences that leave lasting positive memories.
Whether you’re new to casual relationships or a seasoned participant, platforms like sex near me can help you connect with others who share your goals and values. With the right mindset and approach, casual relationships can be a source of joy, self-discovery, and connection, enriching your life in unexpected ways.
“Unwrapping presents of the pastâ€Â
How dealing with your unresolved issues can help you with your dating life and the comparison Invited by social media  Â
When my grandmother was growing up, she didn’t know (unless she asked) what her next-door neighbor had for breakfast, or where the next-door neighbor went for vacation. Her life was simple and, therefore, in some ways less stressful. Back in the day, my grandmother would compare herself with those around her, people she actually knew and saw on a daily basis. In today’s world, we can compare ourselves to a variety of people from all over the world, this can be an extremely overwhelming experience. In the era of “ reels†and “ Tik-Tok†videos, it has become almost impossible to differentiate between what is a display of a real moment versus a pre-planned “ content creationâ€Â moment.  Â
Technology has made our lives easier in many aspects. We are able to order food and clothing online without having to stand in line. We are able to quickly obtain information about a variety of topics. Social media has allowed us to connect with millions of people from all over the world. As a result, we are living more complex and perhaps culturally attuned lives. However, social media has also invited comparison and envy into our daily lives. The magnitude of comparison has greatly increased and impacted some of our expectations regarding romantic relationships.Â
Depending on the season, we can find content on social media that can increase our anxiety and sense of dissatisfaction in regard to our relationship status. Valentine’s
Day, and engagement photos are often the most emotionally charged posts to digest for many of us. Couples often only post their happiest moments and rarely show what goes on “behind the scenes. Â
 The fantasy of “finding the one†continues to be a struggle for many folks. Dating websites have created a space in which many individuals including young professionals can connect and attempt to find “love.†Yet, so many continue to struggle with finding the “right†person. So many individuals are even ditching dating applications. I often wonder how much of the difficulty with finding the “ right†partner is truly about a lack of a decent dating pool. Could it be that the real struggle of finding the “right†partner is about our own confusion around what we are truly looking for? Â
Throughout the years of being a clinician, I have found that the following questions can serve as a guide, assisting folks with the process of dating. Â Â
1. What are my intentions for wanting to date at this time? Â
Being honest with yourself can save you a great amount of time and energy. Most importantly, being honest with yourself can provide you with more clarity and may decrease your anxiety.  Our motives for dating change with our life experiences and are sometimes even impacted by our age. Before going on a date, or even starting to look for a potential partner, ask yourself what are my intentions? Am I wanting to date for the sake of dating? Am I being pressured by societal and cultural norms? Do I feel that I am being pressured by friends and family? Am I scrolling up and down on social media with comparison sitting on my shoulders and feeling as though “I am behind?â€Â Ask yourself what does it mean to be “ behind in life ?†Have you placed yourself on some sort of timeline? What are your short-term and long-term goals? How will finding a partner at this particular time impact your life? Â
TIP: Creating a pros and cons list is an extremely simple and helpful tool. List all the pros and cons of being single and being in a relationship.  Â
2. What does love mean to me? Â
There is a big difference between love and lack of emotional responsibility. In other words, love will not provide you with a “get out of jail free card.â€Â  Even if you marry someone, or spend a great amount of time with them, you will still have to face life on life’s terms. Your partner will be there to hold your hand, but at the end of the day, you have to face your own challenges. Searching for love is different than searching for a hero. If you think about it, a hero saves those who are helpless. Why would you want to appear to be helpless? What is so attractive about being helpless? Isn’t love about two equals becoming partners? Â
TIP: One helpful tool is thinking about the meaning of love in your family or origin. What did it mean to love someone?Â
3. Am I ready to be truly intimate with someone?Â
The real question is, are you ready to be intimate with yourself? Intimacy goes beyond getting naked and having sex. Intimacy is the ability to be yourself. We all have areas in our lives that need improvement. The goal is to be willing to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and learn to accept yourself for who you are. No one is perfect, and you need to remind yourself of that. If you accept yourself fully, you will be able to present yourself more authentically to others and your romantic partner. If you hide from yourself, you will attract a different group of people and romantic partners. Â
TIP: One helpful tool is creating a list of your personal favorite qualities. Create a separate list of qualities that you would like to improve. Gaining insight about yourself may decrease anxiety and provide you with more clarity as to what you are looking for in a partner.Â
4. What are my “personal gifts from the past†that are occupying my suitcase?Â
Think of a suitcase that is filled up with all your past experiences and is continuing to be filled up with new experiences. We all have these suitcases, some of us have a few and others have more. I like to refer to “unresolved issues of the past†as “gifts from the past.†Each gift represents what you need to focus on next, in order to grow and heal emotionally. Often, our gifts from the past have a common theme and are triggered by an interaction or even a thought. Our job is to start identifying our feelings and thoughts and becoming aware of our reactions. If our reaction to a situation is out of proportion, it may be a sign that a gift from the past is being triggered. Our job is to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we start to unwrap our gifts from the past. Being aware of your gifts from the past can help you maintain your relationships with others, especially your romantic relationships. By increasing your insight through self-reflection, you can become emotionally responsible in your relationships. A healthy partner will support you as you navigate your way through your suitcase, but they will not unwrap your gifts for you. Â
TIP: One helpful tool for self-reflection is obtaining a daily journal. Journaling will allow you to turn inwards and get in touch with your raw and unfiltered feelings. Â
5. What are my partner’s “gifts from the pastâ€? Â
We all have a past and the past impacts us. Some people are very insightful about their “gifts from the past†and are able to take responsibility for their emotions. These individuals are often aware of how their “unresolved†issues impact them today. They will want your support, but they will not assign you to “police them.†Your support will be appreciated, but the “heavy lifting†will be done mainly by your partner. On the other hand, there are individuals who are not aware of their “unresolved issues.†These individuals may not be willing to accept emotional responsibility and either not want to work on issues of their past, or they may want YOU to work through their issues for them. I would imagine that dating a person who lacks insight pertaining to their past or is not interested in improving themselves, may be challenging. The bottom line is that everyone has a suitcase from the past. You may want to ask yourself if you will be OK with the “gifts†of your partner’s past? What are your deal breakers and what are you willing to HELP unwrap? Â
 TIP: One helpful tip may be asking your partner how you can support them while they unwrap their presents. Â
Healthy relationships are critical to our overall well-being. Research shows that healthy relationships can ease anxiety, reduce the risk of depression, and other mental conditions. And it is not just limited to romantic relationships. Friendships, family relationships, and professional relationships are important to living a well-balanced life.Â
But relationships can be challenging, and building a healthy relationship takes work. Whether you are in a romantic relationship or just trying to develop a strong friendship, building a good foundation is crucial. This article will look at the four essential steps that you can take to build a healthy relationship.
4 Steps to Build a Healthy RelationshipÂ
Building and maintaining healthy relationships takes time, effort, and commitment, but it is well worth it. By following these steps, you can create and maintain a healthier, more fulfilling connection with the people in your life.
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Set and Respect Boundaries
Setting personal boundaries is important in any relationship. Boundaries can help individuals feel safe and respected while allowing them to voice their emotions and opinions freely. If you’re in a romantic relationship, it’s essential to have a discussion beforehand on personal boundaries. Â
It’s also an important conversation in friendships when you want to maintain a particular level of exclusivity or privacy. Making the other person aware of your needs can help them respect you and understand your limits better. Â
For instance, “I know you like to text early in the morning, but I want to start my day without my phone. Can we limit our texting to after 10 am?”  Â
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Reflect on Your Actions.Â
Reflecting on your actions is another key component of building a healthy relationship. Take a moment to think about how your behavior affects the other person and if it aligns with your values and intentions in the relationship. Â
If you realize that some of your actions are negative, take responsibility and apologize. This shows that you care about the other person’s feelings and are committed to making the relationship work.Â
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Talk and Listen to Each Other, Communication is Key
Healthy communication is one of the most crucial parts of building a strong relationship. This means not only learning how to talk about your feelings and needs but also actively listening to the other person. Practice active listening by repeating back their words or summarizing their points. Â
This will make them feel heard and help avoid misunderstandings. Additionally, try to be honest and open about your feelings and needs, even if they are hard to express. This will help create an environment of trust and mutual respect. Â
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Trust Each Other
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether it is romantic, familial, or professional. Trust is built over time through honesty, consistency, and reliability. It is important to keep your promises, show up when you say you will, and be honest about your intentions. Â
If you have been hurt in the past, it can be difficult to trust others, but it is important to give people a chance and work on building that trust together.
Why Creating a Good Foundation is Important No Matter the RelationshipÂ
Creating a healthy foundation is crucial to any relationship, as it sets the tone for the future. If unhealthy habits and patterns develop early on, it can be difficult to overcome these issues later.  Â
If you ignore boundaries, reflect poorly on your actions, fail to communicate, and break trust, the relationship may become toxic and unfulfilling. By taking the time to build a healthy foundation, you are showing that you value the relationship and are willing to put in the work to make it work.Â
Build Healthy Relationships with GoodTherapyÂ
Setting and respecting boundaries, reflecting on your actions, communicating honestly, and building trust helps create a healthier relationship with anyone in your life. By doing so, you are not only creating a positive environment for yourself but also for the other people involved.Â
However, it’s important to remember that no relationship is perfect; it is normal to experience challenges along the way. If you find yourself struggling with your relationships, GoodTherapy is here to help. Â
Millions of people trust GoodTherapy to discover therapists, counselors, rehab and residential treatment centers, as well as various mental health resources in your local area.Â
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Arguing is an inevitable part of all relationships. However, additional damage can be created by the process of the argument, beyond what is created from what the fight is actually about; and this harm can be long-term and sometimes even be permanent. Meaning, it is possible to harm the relationship because of the way that you fight. Couples can find themselves far off-topic and fighting about fighting. This additional damage can be minimized, and possibly even averted, by following rules for arguing fairly.
These rules help keep an argument ‘clean’ and on topic.Â
- Stay on point. Know what you’re fighting about. Ask yourself and each other, “what is this argument really about?â€Â
- Stick to one subject only – keep the quarrel focused/specific. Arguments can veer off course and, when that happens, the root of the conflict gets lost.
- Be direct – say how you feel, say what you needÂ
- Be kind – arguing is not a platform to be mean or hurtful to your partnerÂ
- Choose the time of your battles carefully (i.e., not 1 AM or while you’re in the middle of a restaurant)Â
- Keep quarrels privateÂ
- Don’t triangulate others into your conflict (i.e., don’t “rope in†other people)Â
- Don’t read your partner’s mindÂ
- Don’t expect your partner to read your mindÂ
- Don’t blame or shameÂ
- Own your own feelings – this means starting sentences with ‘I feel’, not ‘you make me feel’Â
- Don’t talk down to each other (i.e., don’t be condescending…morally, intellectually or experientially)Â
- Don’t make sweeping over-generalizations (“you never†or “you alwaysâ€)Â
- Don’t be intentionally mean or cruelÂ
- Don’t hit below the beltÂ
- Don’t wear the belt too high (i.e., acting like you’re weaker or more fragile than you actually are)Â
- Don’t bring up past fights and use them as ammunition for the present oneÂ
- Actively listen (rather than waiting to speak)Â
- Don’t threaten to leave the relationship (divorce, break-up, move out, divide accounts, etc.). Â
- No verbal abuse (i.e., name-calling, screaming, threats, etc.)Â
- No throwing objects or breaking thingsÂ
- No physical violenceÂ
- Respect your partner’s request to stop or “hit the pause button†– sometimes taking a break to de-escalate is a wise decision.Â
Attunement: What is It? Why is It important?
There’s a very important factor that determines whether one or both parties in a relationship feel seen and nurtured. It applies to relationships across the board, from romantic to platonic, therapeutic to familial. And without it, miscommunication, fights, and hurt feelings are common. That factor is attunement. I’ll give the clinical definition first because it’s a word we often use in the field of psychotherapy and so you have a full picture of what attunement is and then I’ll describe attunement in layperson’s terms.
Attunement is a “kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect, and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal effect and/or resonating response,†according to clinical psychologist Dr. Richard Erskine.
A lot is happening in that sentence. However, some keywords are “sensing,†“empathy,†and “connectedness.†Putting them together, you could say attunement is sensing another person’s experience and using empathy (as well as action) to create connection. Another way of putting it is reading the “emotional room†of another person. It’s sensing when another person needs comfort versus space. It’s understanding when to support your partner versus when to let them flounder. If that sounds difficult, it is! It is a learned skill that takes conscious practice.
The first place we experience attunement (or not) is childhood. An infant is not able to express with words when they are hungry, tired, or have a poopy diaper. It’s up to the caregiver to make that assessment and do something about it. This is where pediatrician and child psychotherapist D.W. Winnicott’s principle of the “the good enough [parent]†comes into play, meaning, reacting to an infant responsively and sensitively over time allows the infant to be appropriately dependent and to transition to an increasingly more autonomous position. But attunement doesn’t stop in infancy – it’s relevant throughout a person’s life. The key is not just becoming aware of another person’s feelings, it’s also taking appropriate action.
It’s one thing if a caregiver hears their kid cry and says, “Oh, they’re hungry,†and another thing to actually feed them. The same is true with adults. Empathy is an excellent first step that invites curiosity about another’s experience, but it only goes so far. Action, even if it’s just listening, is what creates attunement. I’m not saying you have to be a mind reader and intuit what another person needs. Nor should you assume someone else’s feelings. Checking in and communicating are always important in mature, adult relationships.
A word of caution: There is such a thing as going too far with attunement and becoming codependent or turning into someone who relies on being needed. A codependent is someone who likes to swoop in and give to others, compulsively. With codependency there’s a sense of sacrifice – the person is sacrificing their time, their energy, or even their sense of self. That’s not what I’m advocating. Healthy boundaries are important for successful, safe relationships and that means recognizing each person has limits, including you.
Instead, emotional attunement involves the perspective that you’re on the same team as your partner. You are working together, supporting one another as you navigate your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. When this isn’t done, it’s a form of abandonment and it erodes trust in the relationship. Attunement builds trust and rapport. So how then do you create emotional attunement? Keep reading.
How to create emotional attunement
Find your safe space
One step required for emotional attunement is safety. If you don’t feel safe expressing your emotions, attunement will be difficult. Safety is created with both verbal and nonverbal cues. For instance, if the person you’re in relationship with – a friend, a coworker, a parent – shuts down and emotionally withdraws whenever you express anger, you’ll quickly learn they are not a safe person for you to be angry around. You won’t want to clue them in to how you’re feeling because it’s worse than keeping your anger bottled up.
Related to safety is also expressing your own emotions in a safe manner. If you punch the wall when you’re mad, you’re not a safe person to be around either. Emotional attunement requires feeling your feelings, even when you want to push them away, and doing so in a non-harmful manner. That could mean taking space when you need it and communicating that with your partner. It could also mean working with a trained professional.
Listen before you speak
Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, really listen to what the other person is saying. By giving someone your full attention, you’re letting them know you care about their experience, which is crucial for emotional attunement. You’re also signaling that they matter because you’re not centering yourself in the conversation, meaning you’re not making the conversation about you and what you can contribute. (By the way, I have a PDF about this if you’re interested.)
Ask questions
Attunement may sound like mind reading, but I promise, it’s not! Ask questions if you don’t understand something the other person is saying. That helps them feel seen and known. It indicates you’re present with them because you’re really trying to learn what’s going on for them.
Notice nonverbal cues
The reality is sometimes we don’t know how we’re feeling, or our outsides don’t match our insides. You’ve likely had the experience where someone says they’re fine and clearly, they’re not. Nonverbal cues like posture, facial expressions, and energy levels will help you discern how the other person is feeling and act accordingly. It’s also important to ask questions here when you notice the nonverbal cues to ensure you’re not making assumptions. For example, “I’ve noticed you’re lying down a lot. Are you tired? Or is there something else going on?â€
Share reality
A huge part of emotional attunement is being on the same wavelength with someone, or in other words, sharing their reality. If your partner is sad about losing the job they hated, reflect back that sadness: “I hear you. It sounds like you feel sad.†If you respond with, “That’s great, babe! You didn’t like that job anyway!†your partner won’t feel seen, heard, or understood. You don’t have to agree with them, but demonstrating you understand how they’re feeling will go a long way.
Spot your triggers.
Every person has something they are sensitive about. It could be physical, like going bald, or something related to past trauma like being cheated on. Whatever it is, it’s important to be aware of what your triggers are so you can communicate that to your partner. Doing so will support you in not becoming reactive and together, you can potentially avoid an emotional landmine. Identifying triggers goes both ways – encourage your partner to share their triggers as well (if that’s appropriate) so you know what to avoid or how to support them in feeling safe.
Emotional attunement is a process and a skill that takes practice. It’s not something learned overnight but there are actions you can take today to feel closer to the people in your life and vice versa. Share this article with them, and together, build the sort of relationship that is satisfying to you both.
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References
Erskine, Richard G. “Attunement and involvement: Therapeutic responses to relational needs.†International Journal of Psychotherapy. January 1998; Vol. 3:3, pp. 235-244.
Killoren, Caitlin. “6 Tips for Practicing Emotional Attunement in Relationships.†Relish. July 15, 2021. https://hellorelish.com/articles/emotional-attunement.html
Real Love and Social Media
Are you spending more time on your mobile device than the time you spend actually interacting with your partner or your spouse? Has your relationship taken a bad turn as you make choices between real love and social media?Â
If so, you wouldn’t be alone
According to a recent report, 71 percent of individuals say they spend more time on their phones than they spend with their love interests, with 52 percent of individuals spending three or four more hours on their phones than with their partners every day
While smartphones and social media networks might not have had much of an impact on your life 10 years ago, chances are they do today. One study, for example, found that the average American clocks 5.4 hours of screen time on their mobile devices every single day. Further, the top 10 percent of heaviest mobile device users touch their phones nearly 5,500 times throughout the day!Â
In large part, this addiction to technology is actually by design; researchers have found that social media networks, for example, are purposely built to keep you glued to the screen
Regardless, your significant other is unlikely to be too thrilled if they constantly see you staring at your screen when they’re trying to have a conversation. Unsurprisingly, research suggests that 43 percent of “heavy tech users†— those who spend between five and eight hours on their phones every day — have experienced relationship troubles, compared to 28 percent of those who are on their phones for less than an hour a day
If you’re spending too much time staring at your screens and your relationships are struggling because of it, the good news is all hope isn’t lost. Â
By identifying the bad habits that are harming your relationship, swapping them out with good habits, and talking to a therapist if the problem persists, you can strengthen your relationships and find real love in our social media-driven world. Â
Bad Habits with Social Media That Are Ruining Your RelationshipsÂ
In order to cut out bad habits from your day-to-day, you first need to identify what they are. If you’re racking up too much screen time when you’re with your partner or spouse, here are some of the habits that are almost certainly driving that behavior.Â
‘Phubbing’Â
When you’re hanging out with your significant other and you suddenly decide to pick up your phone — consciously or otherwise — you’re guilty of behavior called “phubbing,†which is a portmanteau that combines phone and snubbing.Â
Using your phone at the tableÂ
Whether you’re eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner, meals are the perfect time to catch up with your partner and ask them how their day has been or what plans they have on tap for it. If you pick up your phone during the meal, chances are your loved one won’t be too thrilled. Plus, you’re liable to get all sorts of grease and other junk on your device. Yuck!Â
Spying on old lovers and love interestsÂ
Social media enables us to keep tabs on people from afar. In fact, a recent report found that 34 percent of individuals have stalked an ex or current love interest online. If you’re the type of person who’s guilty of this behavior, your partner won’t be too happy with you when they find out.Â
Checking social media first thing in the morning and last thing at nightÂ
Are you the type of person who checks social media before you say good morning to your spouse — and who checks it right before bed, too? If so, these habits can cause rifts in your relationship as your mind is elsewhere during the more intimate parts of the day
Of course, this list is by no means exhaustive. But it should give you a good idea of some of the more pervasive smartphone-induced bad habits that pull couples apart.Â
What New Screen Time Habits Should You Introduce to Keep Relationships Alive?Â
If too much screen time is ruining your relationships, ditch the above bad habits and replace them with some of these more wholesome ones.Â
Delete your appsÂ
When too much screen time is getting in the way of your relationship, there’s an easy fix: delete the apps that are commandeering the bulk of your time. If you don’t have the apps on your phone in the first place, you’re much less likely to spend time on social media when you’re with your partner.Â
Be more empatheticÂ
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: How would you feel if your significant other picked up their phone in the middle of a conversation and started ignoring you? Chances are you wouldn’t be too happy. By trying to see things from your spouse’s perspective, it can become easier to ditch your phone when you’re together since you don’t want to hurt their feelings.Â
Put your phone in the other roomÂ
When you’re trying to have some quality alone time with your partner — whether you’re trying to cook a meal, watch some Netflix, or do a puzzle together — an easy way to make sure you don’t fall into the spell of social media is to simply put your phone in another room. When your phone is out of your arms’ reach, you can’t exactly pick it up mid-conversation.Â
Get a real alarm clockÂ
According to a recent report, 83 percent of Americans use their phone as an alarm clock. If that describes you, consider buying an old-school alarm clock and moving your phone away from where you sleep. By doing so, you will eliminate the ability to read your phone first thing in the morning and right before you go to sleep.Â
Still Struggling with Screen Time? Talk to a TherapistÂ
Depending on how bad your social media addiction is, ditching your bad habits and developing good ones might not be enough to help you break the cycle. Â
If your situation is particularly difficult, you may want to talk to a therapist and try marriage counseling or couples counseling to overcome the social media-induced challenges you’re facing as a couple. The right therapist will be able to help you navigate your problems and figure out a solution that’s amicable to both you and your partner.Â
Remember, social media is meant to be addicting. When your real relationships are suffering because of it, it’s time to find a therapist who can help you prioritize important relationships over screen time.
The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful for you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today!
Here’s to breaking the cycle and build stronger, more resilient relationships because of it.
Recovery Treatment Centers (RTCs) provide addiction rehab. Use the GoodTherapy RTC Directory to find options for you.
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By Chareessa Chee, Licensed Professional Counselor
Why People Stay in Bad Relationships
Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It’s not because we’re addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly. Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship.Â
The Impact of Our Beliefs
We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable.Â
New Information and How We Deal with It
When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options:Â
- Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”)Â
- Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”)Â
- Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”)Â
- Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”)Â
Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship.Â
On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship
Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person.Â
It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship knows that it’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well.Â
From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
How to Talk to Yourself
As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action.Â
How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change
So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop.Â
How to Evaluate Your Situation
I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.
Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.