I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

“I spent so many years walking on eggshells … never doing or saying the right thing. One day I decided I’d had enough and stomped all over them. Those broken eggshells cut me deeply as I walked away … but this … was the most beautiful pain I had ever felt.” —S. L. Heaton

In my marriage counseling practice, I find that many people in intimate relationships walk on eggshells. Extremely cautious about their words and actions, they may be fearful of being “wrong” or upsetting their partners. Often, they are concerned they will be seen as incompetent, inadequate, unattractive, or as having another negative trait that could cause them to feel unwanted of be rejected.

When you receive the judgment, criticism, or anger of another, the impact may be felt in two ways. The initial assault takes the form of words or actions; the second impact has a cumulative effect. It occurs when a memory of anger or disapproval is stored, emotionally and physically, in your mind. This second impact can cause far more damage in the long run, leading to a loss self-confidence and identity. It’s similar to secondhand smoke—you may not be aware of its effects until it reaches a certain level of accumulation. [fat_widget_right]

If you frequently find yourself the recipient of someone else’s anger or feel you are walking on eggshells, the long-term effects can be just as detrimental. It’s wise to limit such exposure and protect yourself from this residual anger as best you can.

The Effects of Secondhand Anger

Unchecked anger can lead to resentment and dramatically impact your well-being and self-worth. Resentment exceeds momentary episodes of anger that come and go and extends into the past. In advanced stages, it even bleeds into the future and keeps you stuck in a devalued state. You may constantly feel you’re being unappreciated, disrespected, and treated unfairly.

When living with an angry or abusive partner, it is not only the nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism, or other demeaning behavior that can cause emotional damage. Attempts to prevent and de-escalate those often painful episodes can also harm one’s emotional well-being. By constantly trying to keep the peace or maintain the impression of a pleasant connection, people often become tethered to a person who controls them through emotions and impulsive needs.

Signs You Are Walking on Eggshells

The daily lives of many are defined by their partner’s moods. This can be an exhausting and draining existence, but it is possible to change. The first step in this change is to identify whether you are in this situation.

Here are few signs you are walking on eggshells. You might:

• Be afraid of upsetting your partner
• Feel ignored, criticized, confused, invalidated, or “stuck”
• Second-guess yourself
• Feel your partner does not trust you
• Correct your thoughts before you speak
• Be unsure about what might set your partner off
• See your relationship as a roller coaster of unpredictable emotions
• Feel tense when with your partner
• Feel that nothing you do is good enough
• Fear a punishing response from your partner
• Resent your partner
• Feel as if you have lost your core identity
• Have less self-esteem and confidence

Walking on eggshells over an extended period of time can cause you to lose your authenticity and sense of self. You may internalize your partner’s blame, criticism, anger, and even abusive behaviors, or you may absorb them and become resentful and aggressive yourself. Neither of these cases are conducive to a healthy state of mind.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you. If you realize you are responsible for how you feel, you may be able to respond calmly and confidently when someone attempts to put you down. No matter how strong the trigger or challenge might be, you can become less receptive to someone else’s insensitivity or unkindness.

Developing the resilience to stand up to someone who is provoking or ridiculing you can lessen their impact and power over you. You may no longer need to depend upon them for validation and feel fewer urges to lash out angrily. Instead, you will be able to keep your cool and maintain your power. Your new sense of self may become virtually indestructible.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells in your relationships with others, contact a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My parents have three children, and I’m the least favorite. They’ve never said it in those exact words, but it’s obvious in the way they act. My two younger sisters are spoiled rotten. They don’t do half the chores I did at their ages. My parents pay for any clothes or gadgets they ask for. One of them is getting a car for her next birthday. Meanwhile, I’m working part time in between college classes just to afford textbooks.

Whenever I bring up the difference in treatment, my parents get really defensive. They argue they were just teenagers when they had me, so they couldn’t afford nice things like they can today. But if they have money now, shouldn’t they split it evenly between their kids? I mean, I know at 19 I’m technically an adult, but all my friends’ parents at least try to pitch in with college expenses. Mine are the only ones who don’t pay anything.

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It’s not just money, either. I visit home every other weekend, but my parents basically ignore me. Whenever we have company over, my parents will brag on and on about my sisters, but I’m always mentioned as an afterthought. I feel like a ghost in my own house.

I feel like I shouldn’t care this much. I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t be chasing after my parents’ approval. But I can’t stop obsessing about it. I’ll literally lie awake at night, just being angry. Sometimes I’ll find myself snapping at my sisters, even though they’re just kids and it’s not their fault for being the favorites.

Is there a way I can get my parents to see how unfair this all is? I sort of want to stop visiting home, just to see how they’d react. Is that petty? Should I just accept that I’m the least favorite kid and move on? —The Unfavorite

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Unfavorite,

Thank you for writing. Perhaps no relationships are as complicated as family relationships. It’s not unusual for oldest children to feel like they get the short end of the stick while their younger siblings get spoiled.

Often, as the family dynamics change, there are some very real differences in what parents are able to offer their children. If your parents were teenagers when you were born, it is likely you had a starkly different childhood than your siblings. Is it fair? No. Rarely are family dynamics fair. Generally, most parents try to meet the needs of their children that they are able to meet. There may have been needs of yours they were not able to meet that they can meet now for your sisters.

It seems, though, that bringing these disparities to your parents’ attention is triggering their defenses rather than empathy for you. It could be your observations are heard as a criticism of your childhood rather than as a wish that things could be more equitable now. While there may be many reasons your family dynamics are what they are, none of this diminishes the pain you feel.

There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

It may be helpful to think about what you want in terms of a relationship with your parents independent of what your sisters are experiencing. If you would like financial support with schooling, perhaps you could ask for it—not because your sisters have so much more than you did, but because it would be helpful to you. If you keep your sisters and any comparisons to them out of the picture, you might be able to focus on your relationship with your parents and reduce the defensiveness you’ve experienced from them.

You may also want to work with a licensed professional to explore why their approval is as important to you as it seems to be. There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

Whatever path you follow, if you focus on how unfair things are, you may only build resentment that creates a barrier between you and all members of your family. If you want to have healthy relationships with your parents and your sisters, finding ways to remove resentment will be essential.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

I, like many other people, grew up in a less-than-ideal environment. The circumstances got in the way of my personal development. At the same time, that environment contributed to and shaped the person that I have become.

I could assign blame for my problems and unhealthy decisions on my childhood or my parents or my teachers. However, any such statement would be unrealistic and untruthful. The fact is my parents did the best they could considering their limitations (challenges, information, copying skills, abilities, etc.). My parents provided me with many of the values I possess today and will always be my greatest teachers. Yes, my parents have made some decisions I wish they wouldn’t have, but to blame them demonstrates a narrow and limited perspective—and, more importantly, takes away any personal responsibility on my part.

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Blame outsources solution and responsibility. It is often used to divert attention from ourselves, and hands control over our life to something or someone else. As such, blaming and condemnation only create pain and breed resentment and further anger.

The tendency to blame is driven by our inability to foresee a better way of dealing with a distressing situation. We tend to blame when we are in distress because it allows us to preserve the self-satisfying narrative of helplessness/victimhood and self-righteousness. We excuse our shortcomings as the result of other people’s wrongdoings or actions.

In his book, Anger: The Inner Teacher, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin quotes Chazon Ish as saying:

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A wise man will not get angry at an insane person who wrongs him. This should be our attitude towards someone who wrongs us because of a lack of spiritual sensitivity and lack of good character. There is really no difference between a person who lacks sanity and a person who behaves improperly.

Responsibility requires pivoting from blaming external factors to empowering internal forces. There is no point in blaming. Besides, blame amplifies anger and moves us away from responsibility toward victimhood. The stance of victimhood is a powerful and rigid one, as the victim is always morally right and forever entitled to sympathy.

Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others.

Everyone in life does what they know how to do given the conditions of their lives. We will never know exactly where people came from or what circumstances they grew up in or are experiencing now. Perhaps they experienced abuse as a child. Maybe they were bullied at school. What if they are currently in a relationship that is belittling and demeaning?

When you are willing to accept total responsibility for every facet of your life, you are able to live life open to possibilities and to let go of the need to blame others. Conversely, if you repeatedly blame your mother, your husband, your president, or anyone else for your situation, it’s harder to be happy and at peace.

Letting go of blame is not easy. Keep in mind, though, that letting go of blame toward someone who has wronged you does not mean you let that person off the hook. It simply means you are concerned with the here-and-now and being responsible for your own future actions. You are choosing not to judge the other person. You are choosing instead to be responsible and move toward freedom.

Seeing your challenges in others and watching them battle the same irritations and frustrations you have dealt with can be a gateway toward greater tolerance and empathy. Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others. It can also be used as a guide to learn to respond with greater understanding and compassion rather than blaming.

The training ground for compassion is experiencing difficult feelings and sensing that your sense of self and its safety are being compromised. When you reach out with compassion to your worst enemy, it can trigger deep fears. These are opportunities to learn about yourself and develop equanimity, forbearance, and responsibility.

If you blame yourself, others, or circumstances for your conditions, you are resisting reality. This is a position from which you cannot create. Accept reality and take responsibility for your life. Empower yourself to create the life you want. If you need help or guidance, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Pliskin, Z. (1997). Anger: the inner teacher. New York: Mesorah Publications Ltd.

Envy has been described as a vicious emotion, one of the deadliest of all sins. Have you ever envied someone else’s achievements? What is envy and why do we feel it? Researchers at the University of Cologne in Germany who studied the emotion found that envy is quite a natural response to an envied person’s perceived accomplishments. However, they concluded, envy and pride go hand-in-hand. Not only were the researchers able to show through a series of experiments that envy is a normal response to displays of pride, they discovered evidence that envy can sometimes be productive and may actually motivate a person to achieve more.

According to Jens Lange and Jan Crusius (2015), there are two distinct forms of envy:

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• Benign envy: Entails positive thoughts about the envied person and results in an increased effort to attain the envied person’s perceived advantage.
• Malicious envy: Entails negative thoughts about the envied person and results in resentment and possible negative behaviors such as social undermining in groups, cheating, and efforts to level perceived differences.

The distinction is in line with an evolutionary perspective of emotions. Envy can be an adaptive response to an environmental change. By achieving or destroying perceived advantages, humans are able to survive, thrive, and overcome obstacles.

Lange and Crusius found that displays of pride can elicit either benign or malicious forms of envy. Pride can be described as a “spontaneously expressed response to victory” (Tracy and Matsumoto, 2008), and is manifested in two distinct forms based on how the successful person attributes their achievement.

• Authentic pride: Attributing success to controllable causes such as effort. (Example: I did well on my test because I studied hard.)
• Hubristic pride: Attributing success to uncontrollable causes such as personal abilities. (Example: I did well on my test because I am a gifted student.)

In their experiments, Lange and Crusius found that when a perceived competitor was more successful at a task than the subject, malicious envy was experienced when hubristic pride was demonstrated. Alternatively, when a perceived competitor was more successful at a task and displayed authentic pride, benign envy was demonstrated. Interestingly, they also discovered that when the subject experienced pride from a person they liked and the pride was shown in person, feelings of envy were less likely to occur. However, pictures and video displays of pride in instances where the subject did not know the competitor were more likely to elicit feelings of envy, both benign and malicious.

If you find yourself in a constant state of malicious envy, it may be hard to accomplish the goals you set for yourself.

In light of these conclusions, it is tempting to apply them to social media culture. Many studies have indicated people who spend more time on social media have increased rates of depression. In an article by Amit Chowdhry (2016), media researcher Brian A. Primack, MD, PhD said exposure to “highly idealized representations of peers on social media elicits feelings of envy and the distorted belief that others lead happier, more successful lives.”

If you feel displays of pride might be causing you to have feelings of destructive envy, here are some tips that might help:

1. Limit social media intake to a reasonable amount of time each day.
2. Hide or cut ties with friends who have a pattern of bragging in a hubristic way.
3. Use insight and self-understanding when you have feelings of envy.

If you find yourself in a constant state of malicious envy, it may be hard to accomplish the goals you set for yourself. Worse, goals may be clouded by a desire to have what others have, rather than what is best for you. If envy begins to manifest in your life in an unhealthy way, consult a therapist for guidance on how to redirect your thoughts.

References:

1. Chowdhry, A. (2016, April 30). Research links heavy Facebook and social media usage to depression. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/amitchowdhry/2016/04/30/study-links-heavy-facebook-and-social-media-usage-to-depression/#7198bb274b53
2. Lange, J., & Crusius, J. (2015). The tango of two deadly sins: The social-functional relationship of envy and pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3) 453-472.
3. University of Pittsburgh Schools of the Health Sciences. (2016, March 22). Social media use is associated with depression among U.S. young adults. Retrieved from http://www.upmc.com/media/NewsReleases/2016/Pages/lin-primack-sm-depression.aspx