I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

Step 1: Establish and Maintain Firm Boundaries in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Establishing clear boundaries while co-parenting with a narcissist is crucial for emotional safety and stability.

A person with narcissistic traits often views boundaries as challenges to their control. Your ability to create and enforce clear boundaries becomes your most powerful protective tool.

Strong boundaries can protect you and your children when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Be Direct and Unemotional

When setting boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent, clarity and emotional neutrality are essential. State your boundary clearly and calmly: “I am not going to discuss this while you are yelling. I am hanging up now, and we can talk when you are calm.” Then, crucially, follow through immediately.

The follow-through matters more than the words. Narcissistic individuals test boundaries constantly, so consistency proves you mean what you say.

Don’t Explain or Justify

Avoid getting pulled into arguments or debates about your boundaries. Lengthy explanations provide manipulation opportunities. The boundary is non-negotiable, not because you’re being difficult, but because it protects your family’s emotional health.

When you justify boundaries, you’re implying they’re up for discussion. They’re not.

Remember Your “Why”

Adhering to boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent will be uncomfortable. You’ll likely face gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes as making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

You may also encounter guilt trips, condescending behavior, or accusations of being “difficult” or “unreasonable.” Remind yourself regularly: you’re not doing this to punish them. You’re protecting your children and yourself from emotional manipulation and creating a healthier environment.

Step 2: Validate Your Children’s Reality

Co-parenting with a narcissist means being vigilant about your children’s emotional needs and offering them the validation they may not receive from their other parent.

Children of narcissistic parents often feel their feelings, thoughts, and very identity are invisible or “wrong.” Your role as the other parent is to be a consistent source of validation and unconditional love.

Children’s self-esteem is profoundly influenced by how their parents respond to them. When one parent is narcissistic, the other parent’s validation becomes even more critical.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

When your child expresses hurt or frustration about their interactions with the narcissistic parent, validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel upset about that” or “I see how hard you’re working, and I’m proud of you.”

Never dismiss their feelings, even when you’re trying to keep peace. Your validation teaches them to trust their emotional experiences, a crucial life skill that research from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University shows is fundamental to building resilience.

Separate Their Worth from Their Performance

Narcissistic parents often tie a child’s value to their performance or how the child makes the parent look. Counter this damaging message consistently.

Remind your children that their worth is inherent and not dependent on grades, athletic achievement, appearance, or living up to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. Celebrate who they are, not just what they do.

Correct Unhealthy Messages

If your children have been told they’re “too sensitive,” “not good enough,” or that their emotions are problems, gently counter these messages.

Without directly criticizing the other parent (which can backfire), you might say: “It’s important to learn how to manage emotions well, and yelling is an example of not managing them well. You are not broken or ‘less than’ because you have feelings. Feelings are information, and learning to understand them is a strength.”

Step 3: Prioritize Your Own Healing and Growth

Your healing journey is crucial in the context of co-parenting with a narcissist, where emotional turmoil can affect everyone involved.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. To be a strong, resilient anchor for your children while co-parenting with a narcissist, you must invest in your own well-being. This isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

Focus on What You Can Control

You cannot control another person’s behavior, manipulations, or emotional outbursts. But you can absolutely control your response. This shift in focus is incredibly empowering and reduces the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship.

The concept of the “locus of control”, whether you believe events are controlled by your own actions or external forces, significantly impacts mental health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that an internal locus of control is associated with better psychological outcomes.

Build Your Own Self-Esteem

The most powerful defense against narcissistic manipulation is a strong sense of self. Engage in activities you love, set and achieve personal goals, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.

When your self-worth comes from within rather than external validation, narcissistic tactics lose their power over you. Mental Health America offers excellent resources on self-care practices that support mental wellness.

The Secret to Understanding the Narcissist

Understanding that narcissistic behavior often stems from incredible insecurity can help you emotionally detach from their manipulation. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it prevents you from internalizing their criticisms or taking their actions personally.

Your goal isn’t to force them to change, it’s to change your response and speak life into your children.

Step 4: Seek Professional Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Seeking professional support tailored to co-parenting with a narcissist can make a significant difference in how well you manage interactions.

You don’t have to walk this challenging path alone. Navigating co-parenting with a narcissistic individual while protecting your children’s emotional health requires tools and perspective that professional support can provide.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) provides a national helpline (1-800-662-4357) that offers free, confidential, 24/7 support and can connect you with local mental health resources.

A qualified therapist can help you:

• Develop effective communication strategies that minimize conflict
• Set and maintain healthy boundaries without guilt
• Process the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship
• Recognize manipulation tactics and respond strategically
• Build resilience for yourself and your children
• Create a parenting plan that protects your children’s interests

Professional support also provides a safe space for your children to heal, process their experiences, and learn that their feelings are valid. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers excellent resources on personality disorders and their impact on families.

Finding professionals who understand the intricacies of co-parenting with a narcissist will help you navigate this challenging relationship.

Legal and Practical Considerations

When co-parenting with a narcissist, documentation becomes essential. Keep detailed records of all communications, agreements, and concerning incidents. Many family law attorneys recommend using court-approved co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, which create timestamped, unalterable records of all communications.

If safety concerns arise, the Office on Women’s Health provides resources for creating safety plans and understanding your legal options. Remember that emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse, and protective measures may be necessary.

Building an Unshakeable Foundation

You and your children deserve peace, emotional safety, and healing. The greatest defense against the negative effects of narcissism isn’t winning arguments or changing the other person, it’s building an unshakeable sense of self-worth for yourself and your children.

When co-parenting with a narcissist, remember:

• Your boundaries protect your family’s emotional space
• Your children need validation more than they need you to keep the peace at all costs
• Your healing directly impacts your children’s resilience
• Professional support isn’t a luxury, it’s a strategic investment in your family’s future

Every step you take toward establishing boundaries, validating your children, and prioritizing healing creates ripples of positive change. You’re not just surviving this co-parenting situation, you’re modeling strength, self-respect, and emotional intelligence for your children.

That’s a legacy worth fighting for.

Let’s be real: tuning into the latest headlines or scrolling your feed during this political moment can feel like a punch to the gut. If you’ve noticed your stress levels rising, your mood dipping, or a persistent knot in your stomach from the political climate, you’re definitely not alone. Across the country, people are grappling with anxiety, worry, and even grief.

Here’s the truth: feeling overwhelmed right now is entirely normal. The nonstop stream of heated debates, policy shifts, and divisive rhetoric can wear on anyone. It can start to feel like it’s shaping your identity, safety, and sense of hope. That’s why it’s so important to create space for resilience, not to ignore what’s happening, but to protect your mental health so it doesn’t spiral under the weight of it all.

This blog is here to do more than just validate your emotions, it’s a resource to empower you, especially if you’re part of an underrepresented group struggling to find resilience amid the noise. Below, you’ll find practical ways to protect your peace, nurture your well-being, and tap into culturally competent GoodTherapy experts who understand exactly where you’re coming from.

Current Events Causing Widespread Political Stress

Trying to keep up with the U.S. political scene right now can feel like running a marathon with no finish line in sight. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, the back-and-forth and the real-world changes behind the headlines are hitting home in ways many of us can’t ignore

If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained, it’s a completely valid response. The mounting list of policy shifts isn’t just political jargon; it’s reshaping lives in real, often painful ways, especially for marginalized communities. Here’s just a snapshot of the realities many are navigating right now:

• Natural Disasters Drive Stress Higher: Catastrophic events like the recent floods in southern Texas have caused loss of life, widespread damage, and lasting mental health impacts. They also expose political tensions, as underfunded infrastructure and delayed emergency responses leave some communities feeling neglected or targeted.
• A Spike in Hate, Discrimination, and Violence: No matter where you land on the political spectrum, most people can agree that slurs and targeted violence are not okay. However, recent increases in hate crimes, racial slurs, and other violence against groups like Muslims, Jewish people, and other minority groups are taking a toll.
• Underrepresented Communities Are Losing Support: Recent U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) program cuts and tariffs are placing Black farmers under new pressures, and federal funding for Black-led non-profits continues to shrink.
• LGBTQ+ and Other Groups Are Seeing Critical Funding Dry Up: When the NIH halted funding for LGBTQ+ health, gender identity, and research, it didn’t just cut programs, it left entire communities facing uncertainty and frustration.
• Women’s Health Is in the Crosshairs: New laws restricting reproductive services, contraceptives, and even routine health screenings are making it more challenging for women to get the care they need, fueling anxiety and frustration.
• Immigrants Face Uncertain, Harsher Realities: Recent crackdowns and shifting policies have left many immigrants, including those with clean records and proper documentation, feeling unsettled, questioning what “home” really means right now.

Widespread worry is evident, and the shared stress many feel isn’t imaginary: it’s a natural response to real, lived experiences in a climate that often feels unsteady. Because of this, acknowledging the mental and emotional weight so many carry is key for the healing, support, and care you need.

2025: The Year of Political Anxiety

There’s no denying that experiencing discrimination and a tense political climate can take a serious toll on your mental health. The stress, anxiety, and even grief many people are feeling right now isn’t just “in your head”: it’s a real, lived experience. But political burnout isn’t exclusive to any one group: recent numbers show nearly half of Gen Z, Millennials, and Baby Boomer populations are feeling it, too.

Maybe you’ve noticed your mind racing, a sense of restlessness, or an energy crash that makes even simple tasks feel impossible. Below are some anxiety and depression symptoms you might be experiencing:

• Excessive worry
• Restlessness
• Feeling on edge
• Fatigue
• Difficulty concentrating
• Other physical symptoms like dizziness, headaches, and digestive issues

If this list feels a little too familiar, you’re not alone and you’re not powerless. Naming political anxiety is a key first step toward caring for your mind and body. From there, support and effective strategies are within reach.

Strategies for Coping With Political Anxiety

While the recent political landscape has been triggering and upsetting for many people, there is hope: learning practical coping strategies to combatl grief and stress is critical for your emotional well-being. Try the following:

• Acknowledge your distress and don’t ignore your feelings
• Set realistic goals around news consumption so you can better understand your personal limits and avoid becoming overwhelmed
• Limit media time, and try to avoid doomscrolling in an unproductive way
• Lean on your community, chances are, friends, family, and others are navigating the same mental health challenges
• Find and create moments of joy: while it’s good to acknowledge negative feelings, making sure you make time to recognize happy moments can give you new perspectives

These coping strategies are great tools to use when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Still, professional help from culturally competent therapists can give you an added level of support and guidance so you can be resilient in the face of political stress. 

The Value of Culturally Competent Therapy Today

Political anxiety doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply shaped by your unique experiences, identity, and how the world responds. The emotional toll of today’s climate can be heavy, especially for those navigating discrimination, marginalization, or the chronic stress of feeling unsafe or unseen. That’s why finding the right therapist matters.

If you’ve ever felt like your identity was misunderstood, minimized, or overlooked in a therapy session, it may be a sign the support wasn’t truly aligned with your lived experience. Culturally responsive therapists are trained to understand the nuances of race, culture, gender, sexuality, religion, and more, all the factors that shape how you experience the world.

Here’s why that kind of care is so essential right now:

• You feel genuinely heard and safe, which is foundational to healing.
• You can unpack the complex impact of systemic issues and discrimination without having to educate your therapist first.
• You get support that’s tailored to your life, not a one-size-fits-all approach.

In a political landscape that often feels unpredictable or hostile, having someone who truly understands your reality can be the difference between feeling alone and feeling empowered. If you’re ready to connect with a therapist who truly sees you, start with the GoodTherapy Help Me Find Care quiz. It asks a few key questions about your needs, preferences, and insurance to help match you with the right provider.

Navigate Political Stress With GoodTherapy

The U.S. political climate can feel relentless, especially for those facing discrimination or systemic barriers. From funding cuts and limited healthcare access to changes in immigration policy, the constant stream of difficult news can take an emotional toll.

But support is available. Culturally competent therapists and supportive communities like GoodTherapy can help you process what you’re feeling and build resilience. Prioritizing your mental health is one of the most powerful forms of self-care. Why wait to find support?

Read More: Want to Learn More About How Therapy Can Help? Explore More

Resources:

Capital B News: Black Farmers Brace for Trump’s Tariffs While Navigating USDA Office Closures

The Observer: Black-Led Organizations Vital to Economic Growth But Remain Underfunded: Report

The Association of American Universities: New Brief Finds NIH has Canceled $1.9 Billion in Grants

KFF Health News: Major Federal and State Funding Cuts Facing Planned Parenthood

Pew Research Center: Americans’ Views of Deportations

Forbes: Election Anxiety: 61% Say Presidential Election’s Impact on Mental Health Is Negative

Medium: Managing Political Anxiety: Simple Strategies for Coping

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, Psychologist

Tyler Perry Talks Psychology: Teaching Resiliency with the Message to Climb and Maintain

Tyler Perry, the infamous producer and actor, within the full breadth of his creative fortitude, delivered the best simplification of the concept of resilience. In his guest talk at a church in Texas, he provided a powerfully simple way to inspire resilience. In his speech, he told the audience to “Climb and Maintain.” His message aimed to inspire people not to give up on their dreams even in the face of problems and hardship. In short, Perry spoke about resilience.

Resilience

Resilience is a concept developed in the field of psychology. Resilience focuses on climbing and maintaining in pursuit of your goal. The climb is the action(s) you take toward your goal, while the maintenance is your ability to resist the risks in the physical and social environment, overcoming stress and adversity to maintain relatively good psychological and physical health (Garmezy, 1983; Werner & Smith, 1982) and achieve your dreams.

Are we all innately resilient? Can we develop resiliency if we do not possess it? If we “climb and maintain” as Tyler Perry inspires us to do, will it lead to success? Psychological research has provided the answers regarding who can climb and maintain and what outcomes may arise from persisting through life stressors. Let’s take a look.

Is Resiliency an Innate Trait? No.

When children are born, their parents often hope that they will be able to teach them everything they need to overcome obstacles, persist despite challenges, and achieve their dreams. However, despite this hope, parents may discover that their children give up easily, do not believe in themselves, and fall short of fighting through adversity. Are some children naturally more able to cope with stress and persist through adversity toward achieving their dreams? Are some children ill-equipped by nature to handle life’s challenges? Psychologists determined that resilience is less of an innate trait than it is a trait that is developed over time (Trivedi et al., 2011). Essentially, resilience can be learned. This means that parents can help their easily conquered or sluggishly motivated child persist through the stress toward achieving their dreams. 

If resilience is learned, how do we help someone develop resiliency?

How Can We Develop Resiliency?

Resiliency involves coping mechanisms and support systems necessary to promote well-being (Luthar & Brown, 2007). Therapy is an excellent resource for resiliency development. In therapy, individuals, couples, and families learn about effective coping mechanisms. They are encouraged to utilize them to progress through stressful life situations. Therapy also becomes part of a support system that strengthens the development of resiliency muscles to motivate you to persist. We are biologically designed to connect with others. Healthy family, peer, and career support systems also enable us to strengthen our internal systems so that we can effectively cope and persist toward our goals. Starting therapy is part of the climb, and continuing treatment is part of the maintenance toward your life goals. 

How Do We Climb and Maintain?

Increasing an individual’s resilience can help improve mental health (Koelmel, Hughes, Alschuler, & Ehde, 2017). The American Psychological Association (APA, 2020) offered greater detail regarding how to “climb and maintain” towards your life goals. They suggested several ways that describe the climbing process that Tyler Perry illuminated. 

Climb

In order to act towards your goals, according to APA, you have to 

1. Be proactive.
2. Take steps to move toward your goals.
3. Look for opportunities of self-discovery to inform the next steps you take.

Maintain

APA offered ways to maintain your climb as well: 

1. Embracing healthy thoughts
2. Accepting change

In essence, in order to maintain your climb, you have to accept the inevitability of change that will require you to revise your perspective and elevate your thinking. 

Overcoming Stress

Optimal mental health is important to successfully overcome life stressors. The higher you climb towards your dreams, the larger those stressors can become. To maintain your climb towards your dreams, you must take care of your mental health. Therapy can help you cope with stressors and offer needed support in the face of adversity. 

How Can Therapy Motivate People to Want to Develop Resiliency?

Often, the most challenging part of motivating someone is determining how. What is the best way to challenge and encourage this specific person? 

The act of climbing sounds simple enough. You move one foot out in front of you. You then take the other foot and move it up to join or pass its partner. Wait, that described walking. How is climbing different from walking? Climbing adds pressure on the joints due to elevation. To climb, you must indeed start with one foot, not just placed in front, but higher than your walking step. Then you must take the other foot and also put it higher than your walking step. A movement toward your goals requires moving with added weight and strain. 

We sometimes need motivation to move through pressure. Therapists use a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI) to help individuals take the steps toward resiliency development. Motivational Interviewing is a method of eliciting an individual’s motivation for change, then guiding them to act on that motivation. Motivational Interviewing is perfect for individuals needing help to get motivated enough to start their climb as well as for those who need support and encouragement to maintain. Motivational Interviewing has been wonderfully successful at improving motivation and action at a rate of 80-95% (Rubak, Sandaek, Lauritzen, & Christensen, 2005). Thank you, Tyler Perry, for talking psychology so that others can seek help on the journey toward their dreams!

To find a therapist who can help you grow in resiliency, start your search today!

References

American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your resilience. http://www.apa.org/topics/resilience

Garmezy,  N.  (1983).  Stressors of childhood.  In  N. Garmezy & M. Rutter (Eds.),Stress, coping, and development in children(pp. 43– 84). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Koelmel, E., Hughes, A. J., Alschuler, K. N., & Ehde, D. M. (2017). Resilience mediates the longitudinal relationships between social support and mental health outcomes in multiple sclerosis. Archives of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, 98, 1139 –1148.

Luthar, S. S., & Brown, P. J. (2007). Maximizing resilience through diverse levels of inquiry: Prevailing paradigms, possibilities, and priorities for the future. Development and Psychopathology, 19, 931-955.

Rutter,  M.  (1987).  Psychosocial resilience and protective mechanisms. American Journal of Ortho-psychiatry, 57, 316 –331.

Trivedi, R. B., Bosworth, H., Resnicow, K. & McMaster, F. ( 2012). Motivational Interviewing: moving from why to how with autonomy support. International Journal of Physical Activity, 9-19.

Rubak, S., Sandaek, A., Lauritzen, T., & Christensen, B. (2005). Motivational interviewing: a systematic review and meta-analysis. British Journal of General Practice, 55(513): 305–312.

Trivedi, Ranak & Bosworth, Hayden & Jackson, George. (2011). Resilience in Aging. 10.1007/978-1-4419-0232-0_12.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1982).Vulnerable but invincible: A longitudinal study of resilient children and youth. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Problems in life are inevitable. Challenges cannot be avoided. Life is not always a bed of roses. The ability to recover from a difficult or unpleasant situation is resilience. Resilience means being able to get back on track, as strong as before, after an unanticipated setback such as physical or emotional trauma.

Resilience is not something a person is or isn’t born with; it is an acquired skill a child develops gradually. Kids are vulnerable. For some, the slightest stress can cause major anxiety issues that last a lifetime. Others can counter stress better.

Developing Resilience

It is during childhood that a kid is most likely to develop this skill. Resilient children grow up to be resilient adults as they learn how to deal with stress and difficulties from a young age.

Development of resilience in children occurs at three levels, which are:

Resilience is not something a person is or isn’t born with; it is an acquired skill a child develops gradually.

1. Individual
2. Family
3. Environment

Development of resilience requires input from within, from family, and from the environment, which may also mean society at large.

Not all children can be the same physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everyone has a different threshold of bearing stress, but resilience can be developed at a young age through various methods.

Healthy Risk Taking

Children should not be sheltered by their families from taking risks. In fact, healthy risk taking should be encouraged. Healthy risk taking means letting your child take risks which could hold some risk but also reward.

An example is letting a child try a new sport. Even if they fail, no significant damage is done. This can teach children to face failure positively and come out more confident than before.

Let the Child Solve Their Problems

It’s natural for a parent to want to solve every problem their child has. If and when a parent does that, the child would never learn to solve problems independently. They would never learn what independence is. You should always let your child know you are there to support them. However, try not to walk your child to a solution. Let your child solve their problems independently.

Ask your child questions and let the problem bounce back to your child. Leave it to them to find the solution. It will develop problem solving skills in your child from a very young age.

Don’t Ask Why, Ask How

Avoid ‘why’ questions with your kids. Asking your child why they did something may often get you a response such as “I don’t know,” “I forgot,” or something similarly straightforward. Instead, ask your child how they plan on fixing something they messed up.

Try asking your child questions like, “You let the tap keep running; there is water all over the place. How do you think you can fix it?” Asking ‘how’ questions can promote problem-solving skills in your child. They will think about ways they can fix things. Letting a child analyze situations and solve problems is one of the most important keys to developing resilience.

Help Your Child Understand Emotions

A child may have difficulty labeling the emotions they are feeling. For development of resilience in children, it is important that they understand what they are feeling and deal with their emotions accordingly.

If you assist your child in labeling and understanding their emotions, they will be better able to cope with emotional stress and turmoil. An emotionally stable child will often grow up to become a resilient adult.

Support Your Child Emotionally

Children can be emotionally vulnerable. They may need constant emotional support from people they love. Children often need emotional support to feel strong. Knowing they aren’t alone in a situation will not only make them more confident, but they may be willing to try new and challenging ways to solve problems.

Tell your child how much you love them, and don’t forget to remind them how proud you are of them. Just by telling your child that you believe they can do it can really make them want to do it!

Characteristics of a Resilient Child

If you want to see how resilient your children are, keep an eye out to see if they can:

• Tackle problems on their own
• Manage their emotions
• Take risks
• Face challenges confidently
• Solve problems efficiently

Long Term Effects of Resilience

When these qualities are inbuilt in someone from an early age, they are able to reach their long term goals and work their way through their problems independently. A resilient child is strong, self sufficient, self sustaining, and self reliant when all grown up. In this way, development of resilience in children holds special significance in their upbringing.

A therapist can help you learn skills to develop resilience in your child. To find a therapist in your area, start here.

Researchers have long been interested in exploring why some people are more successful than others. IQ, education, and personality have all been considered as possible correlates of achievement. Two other factors, talent and effort, have also been widely studied as potential influencers of success.

In a series of studies, University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Angela Duckworth set out to determine specific predictors of achievement. She found a common characteristic that exists among high achievers, a term she refers to as grit. Based on her research, Duckworth concluded grit is an important driver of achievement, independent of and beyond what talent and intelligence contribute.

The concept of grit gained mainstream momentum after Duckworth’s 2013 Ted Talk and the release of her best-selling book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance for achieving long-term, meaningful goals.

For some people, the idea that sustained effort matters more for achievement than innate talent goes against what they have always believed. Duckworth claims being naturally smart and talented are great attributes; however, to truly do well and thrive, you must have grit. Gritty people—as Duckworth calls them—are people who have an ability to persevere despite challenges. In her book, she contends, “Without grit, talent may be nothing more than unmet potential. It is only with effort that talent becomes a skill that leads to success” (p. 51).

You may be left wondering which traits make a person gritty and whether grit is something that can be taught. Researchers have found grit can be cultivated through deliberate practice and character-building exercises. The following six steps can help you cultivate your own grit:

1. Find Your Greater Purpose

First and foremost, find a purpose in life. Studies have shown people with a clear purpose are happier and more committed to achieving their goals.

Purpose is a key driver of motivation, providing you with the necessary energy to continue working toward your goals. Without it, maintaining momentum can become difficult, especially during periods of perceived failure. Having an understanding of your goals and the reason behind pursuing them can create a clear sense of purpose, which then gives you the necessary fuel to maintain grit.

Simon Sinek discusses this very concept in his popular book, Start With Why. Sinek describes our ‘why’ as the underlying purpose, cause, or belief that drives us. Our ‘why’ is what sets us apart from others and inspires us to take action. It not only gives us the confidence we need to meet our goals, but also injects passion into our pursuit.

Action Item: Purpose can seem like a hard-to-define goal. Start by identifying your values. Next, try to align your goals with your values. Create smaller goals that will keep you on your path toward achieving your larger purpose.

2. Be Passionate About Your Goals

Purpose can serve as an ideal catalyst in driving passion. Passion is about having the drive, ambition, and a genuine love for what you do and/or the people you serve. Successful people almost always have an underlying passion that propels them forward—a drive that keeps them laser-focused on their goals.

Passion can also be contagious. When you’re passionate, you can make those around you feel excited. If you are passionate about your goals, then others around you will likely share in your enthusiasm and be willing to help you to achieve your goals.

Action Item: Stop and ask yourself: What gives you passion? What makes you excited about the activities you are doing?

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

Once you have identified your purpose and passion, you will need to engage in deliberate and consistent practice. It typically takes effort to become good at something and even more effort to become truly competent. Gritty people often look for ways to engage in activities that will help them improve their craft.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. Having grit means following through on what you start. It’s about committing to a goal and working hard to complete it no matter what. Gritty people rarely become distracted by other goals. In fact, they often work longer and harder to achieve the goals they have set.

Building grit can take a lot of hard work. You may need to stick with tasks even when they are boring or during times when you feel you are not making any headway. Many people give up when they perceive impending rejection. After all, it is often easier to quit than to fail.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. This type of practice involves more than simply putting in the hours. It is a deliberate and arduous process that requires pushing yourself to perform outside of your current abilities.

Action Item: Set “stretch goals” in specific areas where you would like to make gains. Aggressive goal-setting is meant to stretch us in new ways, increasing our chances of being successful. Seek meaningful feedback from coaches or mentors on specific areas of improvement and then set goals that directly target those areas.

4. Have the Courage to Try

We live in an extremely competitive world that is riddled with opportunities for rejection. In fact, over 50% of new businesses will fail after only 5 years. Knowing these odds, it can be easy to let fear take hold and give up before you even start. During these times, courage might be the secret ingredient you need to continue pushing forward. Courage is an essential component of grit.

Gritty people have the ability to successfully manage fears of failure. In fact, they have learned to embrace setbacks and use them as motivation to keep moving forward. They do this by reframing “failures” as “opportunities for growth.” They understand there are valuable lessons in defeat and that the vulnerability of perseverance is part of the road toward achievement.

Action Items: Identify situations that trigger your fears. Reframe your beliefs surrounding those situations to feel more in control. Avoid comparing yourself to others.

5. Learn to Persevere

When pursuing long-term goals, it is inevitable that you will experience challenges, struggles, and setbacks. Life is full of roadblocks and hardships. When faced with potential failure, we are given a choice—do we throw in the proverbial towel and give up, or do we keep on going?

Gritty people typically choose the latter. They keep going no matter what. Instead of thinking the world owes them something or looking to the universe to fix things, gritty people know they are the only ones who can change their situations. They use strength and determination to keep going.

Action Item: Identify goals that are worthy of perseverance. Keep those goals visible at all times. Maintain an optimistic outlook and use emotion to drive behavior.

6. Build Resiliency

Research underscores the importance of bouncing back from adversity and persevering through challenges. Resilience is an inherent attribute of grit. It describes the ability to withstand stress and negative emotional experiences. Resilience is what allows you to get back up when you’ve been knocked down and move forward after experiencing failure or rejection. Resilience combines optimism with creativity and confidence.

Resilient people are determined to succeed even when the odds are against them. They are confident in their abilities and are willing to put forth the effort to overcome obstacles that are in the way of them achieving their goals. In a world of rejections, resiliency gives you the needed edge to resist the pressures associated with intense competition.

Action Item: Look for opportunities for self-discovery. Learn to keep things in perspective. Develop reasonable goals and take decisive action.

If you are struggling at any step of this process, a trained therapist can help you spot and overcome roadblocks. Like most valuable skills, grit takes practice. You will likely need both patience and endurance to build up your grit. Yet once you have achieved your goal, you will likely find that your journey has been worth the effort.

References:

1. Business Employment Dynamics. (2016, April 28). Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bls.gov/bdm/entrepreneurship/bdm_chart3.htm
2. Duckworth, A. (2016).Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY: Scribner
3. Robak, R. W., & Griffin, P. W. (2000). Purpose in life: What is its relationship to happiness, depression, and grieving? North American Journal of Psychology, 2(1), 113-119
4. Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group

One of the hardest things about stress and anxiety is that it often leads to overwhelm. Because of this, it is tempting to implement strategies that manage the discomfort but fail to offer lasting change. For example, many people choose to avoid situations that trigger anxiety, but they rarely address the sensations, feelings, and thoughts associated with it. It is natural to want to avoid feeling anxious. However, quick fixes don’t tend to bring long-term recovery. An integrative approach that includes both short- and long-term solutions is usually needed.

There are two main reasons for this:

1. Overwhelm feels more convincing than your ability to change it.
2. When you are immersed in overwhelm, short-term strategies become necessary for immediate relief before being able to consider long-term solutions.

While psychotherapy, social support, a nutrient-dense diet, spending time in nature, and exercise are important to prevent overwhelm, three key ingredients are necessary: expanding your window of tolerance, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

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Becoming Aware of Your Window of Tolerance

One of the most important aspects for reducing overwhelm is to become increasingly aware of signals that you are about to “flip out” or “shut down” (known in psychotherapy as hyperarousal and hypoarousal). The space between flipping out and shutting down is the zone in which you function most effectively. In this space, you can think clearly, communicate well, engage respectfully, and work effectively. In other words, you are in your window of tolerance.

As you might imagine, everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Understanding your baseline window of tolerance and how to expand it contributes to long-term well-being because it offers you the chance to change your relationship to difficult emotions.

You might wonder how you can come to know and expand your window of tolerance. One of the more effective ways is through mindfulness and self-compassion.

Expanding the Window of Tolerance with Mindfulness

Expanding your window of tolerance helps you navigate increasingly difficult experiences without becoming so easily overwhelmed. To expand the window, you must learn to notice when you are “triggered” or “hooked” into a negative reaction. Mindfulness helps you to tune into subtle messages in your body/mind, giving you insight about where and when you are triggered.

Mindfulness simultaneously offers immediate relief and long-term benefits. It is often described as the state of being intentionally aware of what is happening, as it is happening, without judgment. Psychiatrist and educator Dr. Dan Siegel describes it as “waking up from a life on automatic and being sensitive to novelty in our everyday experiences. Instead of being on automatic and mindless, mindfulness helps us awaken to moment-by-moment experience.” In other words, mindfulness gives us what psychotherapist Linda Graham calls “choice points” or opportunities where change becomes possible.

Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

Change becomes possible because mindfulness prevents over-identification. When you are triggered, you are immersed in the experience and accompanying sensations, feelings, and thoughts. Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

According to meditation teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach, mindful awareness has two qualities: seeing what is true and holding with love what is seen. You can ask two simple questions to create mindful awareness.

• What is happening right now? Seeing what is true is noticing the thoughts, feelings, and/or sensations arising in the moment from the observer’s point of view.
• Can I just let it be? Holding whatever arises with love means gently noticing each thought, feeling, and/or sensation with as much self-compassion as you would for your best friend. It’s one thing to get some distance on the patterns leading to overwhelm, but holding yourself and the part of you that is overwhelmed with compassion will make or break your ability to calm yourself.

Continuing to Expand the Window of Tolerance with Self-Compassion

If there is one thing I’d like you to take away from this article, it is to know every moment of suffering is an opportunity to give yourself love and compassion.

Self-compassion helps transform overwhelm and other difficult feelings by teaching us to cultivate kind, connected presence for ourselves. Kristin Neff, researcher of self-compassion and co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, says there are three main ways to initiate self-compassion:

1. Kind words
2. Caring tone of voice
3. Soothing gestures

Self-compassion increases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain and, in turn, amplifies feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. A key thing to remember, however, is that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. If you use self-compassion practices only to try to make bad feelings go away, you create the requirement that receiving compassion is valuable only if it removes the pain of life. Continue the practice of giving and receiving loving kindness without conditions, even when the pain doesn’t go away. By doing so, you create the habit of approaching yourself and others with kindness. You may feel more positive emotions as a result, but treat them more like a wonderful side effect than a goal. The long-term goal is to cultivate mindful self-compassion in as many situations as possible, and this takes time.

One of the most important points about this approach is to fully receive the compassion you offer yourself. This means to give yourself permission to get into it! This may be challenging at first because you are likely used to spending your energy on avoiding or managing overwhelm. If you shift your focus from avoidance to being compassionate with the part of you that is overwhelmed, you may be surprised how much you are able to expand your window of tolerance.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2011, June 27). The chemicals of care: How self-compassion manifests in our bodies. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-neff/self-compassion_b_884665.html

In Kundalini yoga there is a practice called the Ego Eradicator. To do it, you raise your hands, put them in a specific position called a mudra, and begin a long series of sharp exhalations that rhythmically pump the diaphragm (known as Kapalabhati breathing).

This practice is found by many to be invigorating and energizing, but it will not actually eradicate your ego. We are born with an ego, and we will die with one. This fact can make it easy to take things personally.

In general, we humans have a tendency to see the world through our own eyes, using ourselves as reference points. Because of this, we tend to end up taking most things to heart. A natural, usually unconscious, extension of this tendency is using what happens to support or contradict what the ego seeks.

As you may well imagine, the ego wants praise and validation. This would not be such a big problem—except the ego has a way of magnifying and distorting even minor comments and reactions from other people. How many times in life have you felt hurt by something small that mushroomed into something enormously offensive because your ego felt bruised? [fat_widget_right]

It’s Not About You

One way we can become more resilient to the behavior of others is by reminding ourselves that the behavior is not a reflection of us. In fact, it may have little or nothing to do with us. Once we realize this, we can consciously choose to ignore more. This is easier said than done, of course. But in time, with enough practice, we can actually train ourselves to stop taking everything personally.

Most things in life are not about us, but the ego generally doesn’t want to believe this. Luckily, we are more than our ego. When we change our perspective, other parts will welcome this shift, as it can allow us to feel calmer and more in control of our reactions.

We are in our own minds, bodies, and emotions 24/7. As a result, we can end up unconsciously projecting our thoughts and feelings onto others. Once we realize we are doing this, it often becomes easier to see people‘s comments and reactions as a reflection of who they are, not who we are. A logical extension of this awareness is the appealing practice of ignoring more. At first, learning to ignore more may be somewhat difficult, but it becomes easier every time we do it.

Learn to Ignore for Inner Growth

What does ignoring more actually look and feel like?

Let’s say someone says something you find offensive. First, remind yourself their words are a reflection of them and have nothing to do with you. Then simply let the offense go. Yes, this might take a Herculean effort the first time, or even the first few times. But this response will get easier and easier until eventually it becomes almost automatic. When this happens, you may feel lighter, freer, and happier. (But watch out—in the beginning you might find yourself thinking you’re giving the person a free pass, that you’re doing this for their benefit. Nothing could be further from the truth—you are doing this to lighten your emotional load.

Understanding that people’s comments and behaviors come from within them can allow us a little time to evaluate the situation. We can then make a conscious choice to ignore, to not add more bricks to the load we are carrying.

Choosing to ignore and let something go, whether that something is a jibe from a friend, a comment from a boss, or a well-intentioned criticism from a parent, can improve all of our relationships. Think about it: When you take everything to heart, we tend to make a bigger deal out of each comment, facial expression, or behavior. This can kindle strife in our relationships. If we ignore more, we may find we can let many comments or facial expressions go without feeling bad or challenging them.

Understanding that people’s comments and behaviors come from within them can allow us a little time to evaluate the situation. We can then make a conscious choice to ignore, to not add more bricks to the load we are carrying. There is something very freeing about refusing to act the way we might have in the past. The excitement of inner change and growth can be exactly the catalyst to need to become more content with the world as it is.

Training your mind to ignore more can be challenging. It generally doesn’t happen overnight. At first you might slip back into old patterns of taking things personally, ruminating over the responses of others, and escalating issues by over-processing them through lengthy discussion of what was said and what was meant. But I encourage you to be patient with yourself! Even if you succeed in ignoring just a little bit more, you are likely to notice significant changes in your sense of freedom, empowerment, and peace.

If you struggle to adopt this practice into your life, or you find yourself affected by the words and actions of others despite attempting to ignore and let things go, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.

In our first session, Isabel, an agitated newcomer to therapy, declared: “I can’t stand it when Molly is upset about anything. For 16 years, it’s been my job to keep her happy and make sure nothing interferes with her always feeling good about herself. I get anxious when she’s anxious, and I work very hard to make sure her bad feelings go away. I don’t feel like a good mother unless I make sure Molly never has uncomfortable feelings.”

At first glance, it’s easy to conclude that Isabel’s comment is the expression of a parent who wants to see their child grow up to be a happy, self-confident person. Indeed, Isabel is dedicated to raising Molly to become a person with high self-regard and the ability to have successful relationships and positive feelings about life. While this is a laudable goal, Isabel’s method for helping Molly attain it is flawed.

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Isabel’s statement captures the viewpoint of many parents who believe good parenting means never letting their child have intolerable feelings. This raises questions about the consequences for children of parents such as Isabel. I am going to explore this parenting experience and look at the potential impact on the children when parents smooth over or facilitate the avoidance of anxieties and other uncomfortable emotions.

Developing Competence with Uncomfortable Feelings

From childhood through adulthood, the ability to tolerate uncomfortable and unwanted feelings is essential for negotiating every kind of relationship. If we learn early on that we have the wherewithal to get through situations that make us uneasy, anxious, unhappy, angry, etc., we are in a good position to manage our lives. This is learned through repeated encounters with these feelings, the successes and failures of dealing with them, and finally the experience of oneself as competent to manage.

By running interference for uncomfortable feelings, Isabel has been depriving Molly of developing her capacity to regulate her own emotions by feeling them and developing comfort with them. This constricts Molly’s ability to relate and leaves her without the necessary experiences that promote resilience and competence with her anxieties. Instead, she must find ways to defend against these unwanted feeling states and/or remain dependent on others to make them tolerable.

The Dance of Anxiety

Isabel has lived her life avoiding her own difficult feelings and now is devoted to protecting Molly from unwanted emotions. For Isabel, Molly’s discomfort or unhappiness is not simply a painful affect that they both must endure; rather, it is a signal that she is failing at her job of mothering. This signal creates intolerable anxieties for Isabel which, along with Molly’s uncomfortable feelings, must be eliminated. The need to protect herself and Molly from such unwanted feelings has become a central dynamic of her mothering.

The difficult issue for both Molly and Isabel is they both require the absence of anxiety. But each makes the other anxious. Molly has been a participant in this mother-daughter dynamic for most of her 16 years. The awareness that her anxiety makes her mother anxious makes her more anxious. This creates the (often unconscious) dilemma of how to both make her mother comfortable and get rid of her own anxiety. As a result, there is a dance of anxiety in which each partner attempts, but often fails, to self-regulate and simultaneously regulate the other.

In our work together, Isabel has come to understand that her anxiety over Molly’s emotional state has created problems for their relationship:

“I know I have to stop constantly taking her emotional temperature,” Isabel said. “Things between us are not so good. She’s getting older and I can see that she has a lot of anxiety about herself and her life. In the past few months, we’ve started fighting. It’s crazy-making. Either she yells at me that I’m controlling her and that I should butt out of her life or she comes to me in an agitated state and needs to be talked off a ledge about something. The thing is, I do help her and then we have a respite and I’m the good mother again and she seems happy—and I am too.”

I asked Isabel what she thought about Molly’s recent confrontational behaviors. She sighed a large sigh and responded:

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings.

“Well, you and I have been talking for some time now and I get that my anxiety over Molly’s feeling states hasn’t given her tools to grow up or take risks and learn that she’s capable of taking care of herself. I know in my head it’s a good thing for Molly that she can assert herself with me. She’s been so dependent on me and I don’t like to admit that I like that. But I can still get scared when she is upset. When she confronts me, I know she is having emotions that are too much for her. I feel so guilty that I become like the scared child I was with my parents and I do whatever she wants so she won’t be upset with me.”

What Isabel is describing captures two important issues that her behavior with Molly has impacted:

1. Limit setting: Because she can’t tolerate Molly’s unhappiness, Isabel has been unable to set limits for Molly when she experiences Molly’s unhappiness or displeasure with a limit. For example, when Molly gets angry at something Isabel asserts, Isabel can’t manage her own feelings and quickly gives in to make both their bad feelings disappear.

When there are no limits or when the child has too much power or control, she may become frightened (often unconsciously) with being given so much sway over a parent. Feelings of safety and being taken care of are compromised when the caretakers are not in control. Without a safe base growing up, independent actions and thoughts become risky, impeding the process of separation/individuation.

2. Dependency: Difficulties in future relationships are likely as Molly has not learned to self-regulate and has come to rely on significant others to maintain her positive emotional equilibrium, often at the cost of not knowing her own mind.

Relationships are dominated by the need to avoid intolerable feelings. In order to guarantee that others are pleased and no one has unwanted feelings, consideration and knowledge of what one wants is surrendered to others. There is a need to be agreeable, have no differing or opposing thoughts and feelings, and, in general, control the feelings of others to ensure everyone’s happy, satisfied feelings. This creates dependence on others for reassurance and approval of wishes, desires, and choices.

Anxiety About Anxiety

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings. In situations where the upset is so unbearable, the need to protect oneself may require hiding these feelings from one’s own conscious awareness, causing dissociation in the service of managing the feelings that emerge in interaction with others.

The dilemma of how to stay anxiety-free may lead Molly to become dependent on her mother for assurances that her life decisions are acceptable and will not create anxiety for either one. If she hands over this process to her mother, she will not develop the ability to regulate her own feelings and she will deprive herself of developing an identity separate from her mother: who she is and what she wants will be determined by the guideline of safety first—no intolerable feelings, not for Molly and not for her mother. It can become unclear who is taking care of whom. If Molly begins to feel trapped by this situation, she may also choose to deal with her discomfort and her mother’s anxiety by detaching from or rejecting her mother. For Molly, both dissociation and detachment would result in disconnection from herself.

Isabel could also deal with her anxiety by dissociating or detaching from Molly. This implies that, for the most part, her feelings about Molly would be largely on hold. While a parent could unconsciously solve the anxiety dance by unconsciously opting to anesthetize themselves, it is hard to imagine that Isabel would, under any circumstances, become so emotionally disconnected from Molly.

Isabel and I have been working on a strategy that requires conscious cooperation with herself. We have been talking about how she can reframe her “bad mother” thoughts to understand that allowing Molly to have her uncomfortable feelings is an act of good mothering that enables Molly to develop the skills to regulate her own feelings. Isabel intellectually understands that she and Molly need to be less dependent on each other for maintaining comfortable feeling states. She also recognizes she is in a symbiotic relationship with Molly that keeps Molly from being able to reflect about her own life and learn about her own wants and needs.

It is painful for Isabel to move beyond her intellectual understanding of her impact on Molly:

“I just don’t know if I can get there. I want to be able to feel like a good mother when I stand by and don’t soothe and reassure Molly. But it’s scary when I’m aware I did something that upsets her and I don’t jump in and make it okay. I’ve been trying, and she seems more anxious and she gets angry at me, which is horrible. I keep telling myself that she has to learn that she can take care of her own feelings. I tell myself she is not responsible to make me feel good. I tell myself over and over. I’m beginning to hear myself, but it’s so, so, so hard to listen to myself. But I do know I have to do this for Molly, even if it seems I’m hurting her. I hope you will stay with me while I keep trying.”

I will.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

In my work, I’ve found certain frameworks to be helpful for understanding and perceiving our sense of balance and wellness. To illustrate this, let’s consider the following two scenarios:

Sara, 22, is at work typing away at her laptop. Her boss walks in and asks, “Sara, where is that report already?” Sara looks up with focused eyes and slight tension in her shoulders, takes a breath, and considers the question. Within seconds, her brain computes what’s being asked and forms the appropriate response. Smiling, she replies, “Jeff. Hi. I emailed it to you this morning. I also gave a printed copy to your assistant.”

Now imagine the same scenario—only this time, when Sara hears Jeff, she suddenly feels anxious. Her heartbeat quickens, her breathing constricts, and she becomes confused. She fumbles around her desk, trying to find something to give him. Even though she already emailed the report, in the panic of the moment, she could not recall having done so. She grows more frantic as she searches through the papers and knocks over her coffee mug. Her stomach twists into knots, and she dreads another ulcer forming.

Imagine one last scenario. Jeff asks about the report, but this time Sara scowls, clenching her teeth, and snaps, “What are you talking about? Your assistant must have lost it! I gave it to him this morning!” She swallows her blood pressure pill and returns to her work. [fat_widget_right]

When we look at these two scenarios, the interesting differences to consider are regulation/dysregulation, resilience and perseverance, and the window of tolerance.

Regulation/Dysregulation

A common expression people use nowadays is “I felt overwhelmed,” or maybe, “I was flooded.” As it turns out, this description may be capturing actual changes in our nervous system. According to neuroscience research, when a person is in overwhelm, their prefrontal cortex (also known as the executive brain, or the center for logical reasoning and problem solving) becomes less active and goes “offline.” Physiological changes in heart rate, breath, and stress hormone secretion also occur. Keeping that in mind, we begin to see how overwhelm can be an experience of dysregulation.

Regulation, on the other hand, can be seen as a state of internal harmony where the three parts of our brain—executive, limbic and reptilian—are communicating effectively. In this state, our nervous system can digest the information it receives, and we can think clearly and respond effectively to present moment situations.

Let’s go back to Sara for a moment. In the first scenario, the impact of Jeff’s communication brings Sara into alert. The sympathetic nervous system brings her eyes to focus and tenses her shoulders to prepare her for action. At the same time, that breath she took supports regulation through the parasympathetic nervous system. In the second scenario, on the other hand, Sara becomes triggered. A fear-based response takes over, and the spiral into dysregulation begins. In scenario three, Sara dysregulates towards anger and fight mode. When Sara’s system remains regulated, she is able to respond more effectively to the situation than she is able to when her system becomes dysregulated.

Each person’s “zones” differ, as they are unique to our history and circumstances. Some people have fairly wide windows of tolerance and are able to respond effectively to a range of stress intensity. Others might have a narrow window and fall outside of the zone at what might be considered by others to be milder stressors.

Interestingly, dysregulation is not specific to any certain event. The impact of an event is different for different people. In fact, the impact of the same event can be different for the same person at a different time of day or during a different point in life. This idea brings us to the window of tolerance.

The Window of Tolerance

Also known as the optimal zone of regulation, the window of tolerance was first introduced in 2010 by Dr. Dan J. Siegel. The concept proposes that people have a zone of arousal within which they are able to respond effectively to life. When they are within this “window,” their nervous system works harmoniously to successfully achieve certain goals—walking across a room, solving a math problem, and engaging socially with others. When people are within their window, they are regulated. When they are outside the window, they are dysregulated.

Each person’s “zones” differ, as they are unique to our history and circumstances. Some people have fairly wide windows of tolerance and are able to respond effectively to a range of stress intensity. Others might have a narrow window and fall outside of the zone at what might be considered by others to be milder stressors. And even for those with wide windows, certain stressors linked to historical challenges might trigger them beyond their zone. This is why we see one person becoming overwhelmed in response to an event while another does not.

Factors related to personal wellness can have an influence on our windows. For instance, think of a time you were sleep-deprived. How did you feel? Chances are you were more irritable than usual, perhaps on edge. Your window that day was probably narrower than it is on other days. Chronic stress and early adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are also correlated with greater dysregulation. As such, both can be thought to compromise a person’s window.

The presentation of the impact of stressors manifests differently in different people and may at times go unrecognized. For some people, the impact of stressors is more apparent on the psychological level, for others, it appears more clearly in their physical health. And quite often, the impact is present in a person’s intimate relationships too—though on the outside, that may not be apparent.

Regardless of the many and varied ways stress and trauma can impact the window of tolerance, people still generally do whatever they can to find a way to survive.

Resilience and Perseverance

Resilience, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is the capability of a body that has experienced strain to recover its size and shape, particularly when stress has caused the change in size or shape, or, the ability of an individual to adjust to and/or recover from change or misfortune.

As it relates to this article, along with personal health and wellness, resilience can be thought of as the system’s ability return to the optimal zone or to maintain regulation and stay within the zone.

Perseverance, on the other hand, is the continued effort to achieve something in spite of opposition, failure, or other challenges. When I think of people who say they feel “burned out,” that they are “running on empty,” or those who might describe themselves as “underdogs” or “disadvantaged,” but somehow they still carry on and do what they feel necessary to get through each day—I think of perseverance. The key difference between resilience and perseverance, to me, is whether someone is performing within their window of tolerance or outside this window.

Human capabilities for resilience and perseverance are inspiring, and both are to be celebrated and admired. At the same time, I believe it is important to consider (and remember) that operating from a place of perseverance for a long period of time can be compromising to health as well as interpersonal relationships. Constantly persevering may come at a price. Finding ways to build our resilience, on the other hand, can be of great importance to our well-being, as well as that of our families and communities.

We each have our unique window of tolerance and trigger points shaped by our life experiences, and we each have our own pattern and path of moving between regulation and dysregulation and perseverance and resilience. My hope is that, with ourselves and others, we can work to:

1. Become more familiar with the signs of regulation, dysregulation, perseverance and resilience;
2. Experience more appreciation, respect, compassion, and kindness for perseverance;
3. Use this understanding to guide our relationships;
4. Engage in activities that support regulation;
5. Invest time in building resilience in ourselves and our kids.

If any of these steps prove challenging or difficult, or you would like to help identifying these signs and your own window of tolerance, a compassionate, qualified mental health professional may be able to offer assistance and support.

References:

1. Adverse childhood experiences: Looking at how ACEs affect our lives & society. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/phl/resource_center_infographic.html
2. Marin, M. F., Lord, C., Andrews, J., Juster, R. P., Sindi, S., Arsenault-Lapierre, G., … & Lupien, S. J. (2011). Chronic stress, cognitive functioning and mental health. Neurobiology of Learning and Memory, 96(4), 583-595.
3. Perseverance. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perseverance
4. Resilience. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience