When we talk about attachment wounds in therapy, most people think of early childhood dynamics, moments when caregivers couldn’t show up consistently, or times when love felt conditional. But for many queer and trans people, Attachment-Focused EMDR healing addresses challenges magnified by something larger than family: society itself.

Nineteen years ago, I made a decision that changed my life: I had gastric bypass surgery. At the time, I weighed 365 pounds, and my relationship with food, my body, and even my self-worth was deeply complicated. Today, I’ve lost and maintained a weight loss of 230 pounds, but what I’ve learned about the weight loss mental health connection has been even more transformative than the physical changes. While the surgery was a powerful tool, the real work, the kind that often goes unnoticed, has been mental, emotional, and deeply personal.

In the last two years, I added a GLP-1 medication to my routine, which has helped support my continued progress. Make no mistake: medication and surgery are not shortcuts. They are tools, and the real, lasting transformation has come from reshaping my mindset and prioritizing my mental health.

The Mental Side of Weight Loss No One Talks About

We often hear about diet plans, workout regimens, and before-and-after photos. What’s less visible is the emotional and psychological journey that runs alongside the physical one. For me, this was the hardest part.

Research consistently shows that bariatric surgery affects mental health significantly, with studies indicating both positive and negative psychological changes post-surgery. Before surgery, food was more than just fuel; it was comfort, distraction, and a coping mechanism. After surgery, I had to relearn how to eat, but even more importantly, I had to relearn why I eat. That’s where mental health came into play.

Healing My Relationship With Food: A Weight Loss Mental Health Journey

Gastric bypass changes your anatomy, but not your mindset. I had to face the habits and beliefs I carried with me for years. I had to confront emotional eating patterns, self-sabotage, and a negative internal dialogue that often told me I wasn’t “good enough” or that I’d always struggle.

Research demonstrates that psychological interventions targeting emotional eating can be highly effective, with cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based treatments, and acceptance-based therapies showing significant improvements in both emotional eating behaviors and weight outcomes.

Therapy, journaling, support groups, and self-reflection became just as important as meal planning and exercise. I learned to check in with myself emotionally before meals. Was I really hungry? Or was I stressed, bored, anxious, or sad?

Mindset: The Hidden Engine Behind Success

Losing weight and keeping it off for nearly two decades has taught me that mindset is everything. I’ve had to be patient when progress slowed. I’ve had to stay grounded when the scale didn’t move, and I’ve had to keep showing up for myself, even when it felt hard.

A growth mindset, believing that I can change, adapt, and grow, has carried me through setbacks and plateaus. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s research demonstrates that individuals with a growth mindset consistently outperform those with a fixed mindset, particularly when facing challenges.

I stopped seeing challenges as failures and began to see them as part of the journey. This shift in perspective has been crucial to my resilience and long-term success.

The addition of GLP-1 medication over the past two years has given me another helpful tool, especially when it comes to appetite regulation and managing food cravings. The medication didn’t erase the need for mindful eating, therapy, or self-care. If anything, it amplified the importance of those things.

Nutrition Isn’t Just Science—It’s Personal

Nutrition advice is everywhere, but what works for one person may not work for another. I’ve had to learn what my body needs, how to listen to its signals, and how to feed it with both nutrition and self-compassion. Some days I eat to nourish, other days I eat for joy. I’ve learned that both are okay, and balance, not perfection, is the key to sustainable health.

Understanding that weight loss can be difficult helped me set realistic expectations and develop patience with the process. This acknowledgment actually improved my long-term success rather than hindering it.

Final Thoughts

Today, I live in a body that feels strong and capable. More importantly, I live with a mind that’s kinder, more resilient, and more aware. My journey hasn’t been linear or easy. It’s been filled with detours, lessons, and growth. Through it all, the most significant transformation hasn’t just been what I see in the mirror, it’s how I see myself.

If you’re on your own weight loss or health journey, know this: your mindset matters. Your mental health matters. You are so much more than a number on the scale. Consider focusing on positive behavioral changes rather than just the number on the scale, this approach often leads to more sustainable, lasting results.

The Mayo Clinic emphasizes that gaining control over emotional eating requires addressing both the psychological triggers and developing healthier coping mechanisms. Remember, if you’re struggling with emotional barriers to weight loss or need support on your mental health journey, consider reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you develop the tools and mindset for lasting change.

The importance of and demand for mental health services is discussed everywhere: in news headlines, media copy, books, podcasts, and even workplaces. While recent years have shown an improvement in public sentiments around mental health, stigma around getting help still persists in many forms. One recent study found that prejudices and discrimination surrounding depression, for example, greatly declined between 1996 and 2006, but negative beliefs around other conditions like schizophrenia or alcohol dependency persist.

Weathering the stigmas around mental health can be difficult and discouraging, but with the right tools, you can protect your well-being and resist feelings of shame. Below are some strategies for managing and overcoming mental health stigmas so you can receive the support you deserve.

Read More: Needing a Little Inspiration? Check Out These Empowering Mental Health Quotes

Know Your Enemy: What Is Stigma?

In order to make mental healthcare most accessible, you must first combat the biggest barrier to mental health: stigma. This is the “negative attitudes, beliefs, and stereotypes people may hold towards those who experience mental health conditions,” which can also include negative attitudes or even discriminatory behaviors surrounding mental health in general.

If you’re thinking you don’t have any ingrained negative attitudes against mental health, you may not know how to identify them. Mental health stigmas exist in many forms, like the following:

• Structural stigma means the laws, regulations, and policies that limit access to mental health resources and infringe on people’s health rights. For example, before the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), employers could fire someone simply for having a mental health condition, which is now considered illegal.
• Public stigma means negative or harmful attitudes from individuals or groups of people about mental health conditions or care (which can include families or healthcare providers). One example of this is if your friend witnesses someone experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder and calls them “crazy” or “insane” rather than acknowledging their medical condition.
• Self-stigma stems from the person living with a mental health condition. If you’re struggling with your mental health, you might feel shame or blame yourself for these feelings, which can be harmful to your well-being. For example, this could look like negative self-talk, like saying to yourself, “It’s my fault I’m dealing with depression, so it’s not worth getting help.”

But how exactly is stigma a barrier? The effects of mental health stigma are multi-fold. Negative and shameful opinions surrounding mental health can do the following:

• Discourage people from seeking the help they deserve
• Discourage empathy for and support of people dealing with mental health conditions
• Limit people’s access to housing, jobs, insurance, or social experiences
• Encourage violence and discrimination against people with mental health conditions
• Harm individuals’ self-worth and confidence

Read More: If You Want to Advocate for Mental Health, Stop Using These Phrases

Who Suffers the Most?

Anyone can feel shame surrounding mental health and needing help. Some groups of people, in particular, weather the effects of stigmas based on cultural, generational, and economic factors. For example, men are less likely to seek support for mental health conditions, meaning men’s mental health needs often go untreated and can lead to depression and suicide – the leading cause of death among men. Additionally, veterans and military personnel often do not receive mental health care and suffer from untreated conditions.

Combating shame around mental health is crucial for everyone, but recognizing populations most at risk for mental health barriers makes getting the support you and your loved ones deserve that much easier.

Ways to Overcome Stigma

Overcoming mental health stigmas might sound like a significant feat, but little actions make a big difference. Knowing where and how stigmas present themselves is the first step, but taking action is the next. Here are a few places you can start:

Education Is King

The best way you can combat mental health stigmas is to educate yourself and others. As the World Health Organization notes, “Stigma is often framed in terms of mental health literacy. By correcting misinformation about mental health conditions, the theory goes, you reduce prejudice and make it less likely for someone to discriminate.” Improving your knowledge base and awareness equips you to help others, including organizations and communities, do the same and shut down harmful beliefs about mental health.

Talk Openly

The more you confide in others and share your mental health experiences, the easier it is to push past feelings of embarrassment and support others. By talking openly and honestly about mental health, you can normalize mental health treatment and choose empowerment over shame.

Lead With Compassion and Equality

Reducing stigma means increasing understanding. By advocating for compassionate, equal access to mental health, you can reduce the shame that keeps people from getting help.

Put Yourself First

Removing barriers to mental health increases access for everyone – including yourself! Prioritizing your well-being is the best form of self-love, and therapists are there to help.

Read More: Not Sure If It’s Time to Go to Therapy? We Can Help

Seeking Help Is the Answer

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Actually, it can be comforting to know that you can’t do everything alone, and humans thrive on supporting one another. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor means you prioritize your well-being and want tools to feel better. Keep the following in mind if feelings of self-doubt creep in:

• It is not weak to ask for support
• You don’t have to do everything independently all the time
• You aren’t a victim: you’re an advocate for yourself

Addressing the barriers to mental health will forge the way for a more equitable, accepting, healthier future, and little steps make a huge impact in breaking down stigmas. Find the right therapist for you through GoodTherapy and know that you are not alone: there is help for you.

Resources:

Why It’s so Hard to Ask for Help

World Health Organization

National Library of Medicine: Men and Mental Stigma

Americans With Disabilities Act

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Mental Health Stigma

National Library of Medicine: Trends in Public Stigma of Mental Illness in the US, 1999-2018

Let’s be honest: Reality television has become America’s not-so-secret obsession. Whether it’s your guilty pleasure after a long day, the background noise while you’re scrolling your phone, or something you swear you’d never watch (but somehow know all the contestants’ names), there’s no denying we’re consuming more reality TV than ever before.

From the drama-filled villas of Love Island to the backstabbing brilliance of The Traitors, from the soaring vocals on The Voice to the rose ceremonies on The Bachelor — these shows have us hooked, and they’re undeniably entertaining. Still, researchers and mental health professionals are increasingly worried about the impact this “harmless” entertainment might be doing to our mental health, especially as it relates to body image.

If you’ve ever felt a knot in your stomach after watching impossibly perfect people find love on a tropical island or noticed your mood dip after a reality TV binge, you’re not alone. These shows are messing with our minds in ways we’re only beginning to understand, and the impact on how we see ourselves, especially our bodies, is becoming impossible to ignore.

Take Love Island USA, for instance. This longtime fan favorite has been called out for years over its harmful body image messaging, yet the most recent season (which premiered June 3rd, 2025) serves up more of the same. It might be your go-to guilty pleasure, but it’s worth asking: What’s the real cost of the “Love Island Effect” on our mental health?

Below is a deeper dive into the show’s impact on our mental health — from the show’s impossible beauty standards to the direct psychological toll it takes on us — plus some practical ways to enjoy your reality TV fix without letting it mess with your self-worth.

Negative Body Image and Mental Health: Understanding the Connection

When it comes to what shapes your mental health, body image plays a bigger role than you may realize. The way you see yourself in the mirror isn’t just about vanity: it’s deeply connected to your overall well-being and self-worth. When those thoughts are persistently negative, your mind can suffer.

Poor body image can trigger or worsen a number of conditions or symptoms: 

• Anxiety and depression 
• Body dysmorphia 
• Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia 
• Feelings of shame and guilt 
• Self-esteem 
• An unhealthy obsession with body type

Learning how body image affects mental health isn’t just important: it’s essential if you want to take care of yourself, feel better in your own skin, and help others do the same. There are four components to body image you should know: what you see when you look at yourself (perceptual), how that makes you feel (affective), what you think about it (cognitive), and what you do as a result (behavioral).

Here’s the kicker: Reality TV and social media can mess with any or all of these layers, creating a perfect storm for mental health struggles.

The good news? If you’re battling negative body image, you don’t have to go it alone. Therapy professionals are specially trained to help you spot reality TV’s toxic influence and flip the script on how you see yourself. They can even coach you through tough conversations about body image with friends and family, helping curate a more positive message to the people you care about.

Read More: Wondering How to Talk to Your Child About Their Body? Start Here 

The Popularity of Reality TV

Despite all the hand-wringing about reality TV’s impact on our mental health, we’re watching more of it than ever. In fact, reality shows now make up a staggering 57% of all available TV programming. The message is crystal clear — reality TV isn’t just a guilty pleasure anymore: It’s become part of our daily media diet.

How Reality TV Impacts Body Image

You’ve probably encountered at least one of the Love Island franchises, whether it’s the UK, Australia, France, Germany, or USA version. Yet, what stays consistent across every beach and villa is the show’s basic formula of putting conventionally attractive twenty-somethings in swimwear and watching them compete for love — and the troubling impact it has on how we see ourselves.

The numbers are pretty sobering. New research from the Mental Health Foundation reveals that nearly 25% of 18-to-24-year-olds say reality TV makes them worry about their body image. The newest debut of Love Island USA, season 7, exacerbates this widespread concern. The cast is another lineup of people who fit that narrow definition of “beach body ready” and have likely had cosmetic work done.  Love Island is certainly not alone in promoting unhealthy body standards, but researchers are particularly worried about the show’s so-called “Love Island Effect”: when viewers don’t just watch the show but also start questioning their own appearance and considering cosmetic procedures.

Despite the show’s lack of body diversity and some franchise changes, like offering mental health support for contestants after the show, Love Island USA celebrates the same, negative idea about body image: that true physical beauty does not include plus-sized bodies and only celebrates those with toned physiques and cosmetic enhancements.

Understanding how your TV habits affect your mental health is just the beginning. Actually building a positive body image, though, is the real work. Learn some concrete steps you can take to reset your perspective and find the support you need to feel good in your own skin.

How to Develop a Positive Body Image

As you grab the remote this week to turn on your favorite reality TV show, stop yourself and remember this key fact: the people you see on TV both represent skewed body ideals and likely struggle with body image issues themselves. 

While GoodTherapy’s expert therapists are ready to help you tackle any body image challenges head-on, you can start protecting your mental health right now with these three game-changing strategies:

1. Set Boundaries: Think of boundaries as your personal protection measures — whether physical, mental, or emotional. They’re your first line of defense in protecting your peace of mind.
2. Fight Back With Cognitive Dissonance: Recognize and combat toxic beauty standards. See something unrealistic? Call it out. Challenge it verbally or take action against it.
3. Remember the Ultimate Goal: Self-love isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for your best friend might not work for you, and that’s okay. The freedom that comes with genuine self-acceptance? That’s universal.

These are the big-picture strategies, but let’s get practical. Here are some small but mighty actions that can transform how you see yourself:

• Start your day with positive affirmations (yes, they actually work) 
• Chase health, not a number on the scale 
• Spread compliments freely to others and yourself 
• Make a list of what you love about yourself (and read it often) 
• Catch yourself comparing and shut it down 
• Notice when your inner critic gets loud and stop it in its tracks 
• Remember you’re more than just a body: you’re a whole person

Fighting back against TV’s toxic body standards doesn’t mean you have to give up Bachelor in Paradise or stop rooting for your favorite Survivor contestant. It just means watching with your eyes wide open and recognizing your triggers so you can practice foundational skills in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). When you notice yourself making comparisons while watching Love Island, that awareness itself is the first step toward change.

Read More: Want to Learn About the Importance of CBT? Start Learning Now

How You Can Watch Love Island and Protect Your Mental Health 

You don’t have to navigate this mental health journey solo. GoodTherapy’s trained professionals understand how reality TV affects mental health. They’re equipped with tools and strategies to help you build a healthier relationship with your body image.

With the right support, you don’t have to break up with Love Island USA this summer. You can absolutely keep up with all the villa drama while also working on rebuilding your confidence and protecting your mental health. It’s not about choosing between entertainment and self-care: it’s about finding that sweet spot where you can enjoy both.

Ready to take that first step? Find the right therapist for you, today!

Sources:

Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute: Body Perceptions and Psychological Well-Being

Reality TV Statistics by Shows, Franchise, Demographics and Popularity

Which American Genres Have the Highest Global Demand?

Popularity of Reality TV as Online Video Content Genre in the U.S. 2019-2023 as of June 2024, by Quarter

Mental Health Foundation Raises Fears About Impact of Reality TV on Young Viewers

The Issue of Diverse Body Representation on Reality TV Goes Way Beyond Love Island

Reality TV Fuels Body Anxiety in Young People, Survey Says

Our beings are multifaceted. Our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits all have needs. Our bodies need to be moved and nourished, but not to excess. Our minds and hearts need learning as well as social and emotional connection, and our spirits need solace, meaning, and clarity about what we value and cherish most.

You may pamper your body but neglect your emotions. You may nourish your mind but starve your spirit, and you may pursue spirituality while cutting yourself off from your instinctual life. You may limit what you can get out of your relationships by keeping a superficial focus on self-image instead of investing in meaningful connections.

The ways in which we limit, reject, and sell ourselves short are endless, and the end result is that we feel less than whole and less than fulfilled.

Types of Self-Rejection

Some forms of self-rejection are obvious—self-harming behaviors, getting involved with people who exploit us or treat us poorly, pushing away people who treat us well, and ingesting harmful substances are some of the more obvious ways we may work against ourselves.

Self-rejection can also take more subtle forms. Some of these include:

• Resignation, or not pursuing our highest aspirations
• Remaining in relationships or jobs that are stagnant. They may offer the comfort of familiarity, but no growth.
• Turning down or missing various life opportunities
• Self-punitive mental habits like perfectionism
• Opting for instant gratification to avoid short-term discomfort while missing out on long-term fulfillment

You may take yourself seriously in ways that leave less room to be serious about the parts of yourself that need to be taken seriously. Do you take your hang-ups and self-image seriously while ignoring your true feelings? Evaluating your aspirations without seriousness is another form of self-rejection.

When Therapy Becomes a Form of Self-Rejection

Almost anything can become a form of self-rejection, including mental health counseling. Learning useful coping Reclaiming our rudders and accessing our true feelings can be a bumpy ride; cut-off feelings were repressed for a reason.skills is often important for many people. However, only pursuing a path of coping, as opposed to learning to cope while also working on resolving what is causing the need for coping, may lead to a lifetime of simply trying to cope while patching things over. In this scenario, the cause of our inner difficulties is never resolved. The path of simply coping becomes burdensome; we learn to survive, but never to thrive.

It may be tempting for clients and therapists to focus solely on ways of coping and feeling better for the moment, but this approach often neglects the potential for deeper healing.

Reclaim Your Rudder: Accessing Our Feelings to Overcome Self-Rejection

Our feelings are our compass in life. They are our inner GPS, informing us of what is healthy and what is not. This is why our feelings are good for decision-making—they provide the crucial information of what we really want and what we are averse to. When our feelings are shut down and cut off from conscious awareness, we are deprived of our rudders and set adrift on the ocean of life.

Reclaiming our rudders and accessing our true feelings can be a bumpy ride; cut-off feelings were repressed for a reason. Unearthing and working through previously avoided emotions can be anxiety-provoking and painful. But once we have learned to tease apart our feelings from anxiety and painful ways of managing anxiety, the ride becomes smoother, and feelings fulfill their function without taking over.

When our feelings are linked up and connected with our reasoning minds, the executive functions, we feel grounded, present, and calm, and we can navigate life with all our resources to bear. Our decisions aren’t impulsive; they are thought out and informed by our true feelings and deepest values.

Feelings are not be-all-end-all, but without them, we are cut off from information that is important to have in order to address our needs. If the emotional gate is closed, we cannot know who we really are, what we really want, and what we truly value.

Making Friends with Our Emotions

Discontinuing and reversing the trend of self-rejection must start with befriending our emotional life. A skilled therapist who understands how to address emotions in their entirety—cognitive, physiological, and impulse component—as well as the barriers to accessing emotion can be an invaluable resource when it comes to doing our emotional work. Find a therapist to support you through the process of addressing your emotions and working through self-rejection.

Only when we have befriended our true feelings can we properly tend to the needs of our body, mind, and spirit, and live in ways that actualize our human potential. The path of overcoming self-rejection begins with allowing our feelings to be. We befriend our emotions, and from there, our lives may flourish. We transition from coping to living, and from surviving to thriving.

References:

1. Coughlin, P. (2004). Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (2nd ed.). London: Karnac Books Ltd.
2. Damasio, A. (1999). The FEELING of WHAT HAPPENS. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company.
3. Ekman, P. (1980). The face of man: Expressions of universal emotions in a New Guinea village. Garland STPM Press.
4. Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger. New York, NY: Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc.

Some sayings might be well-intended, but that doesn’t make them true, let alone easy to hear. Case in point: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.”

The people who come to me for help tend to hate that thought. “If I knew how to love myself more,” they say, “I would have started long ago. In fact, I wouldn’t even be in therapy if I had that figured out.”

Improving self-esteem seems to some to be an impossible task. But each time, as we explore it together, similar themes come to the foreground. After years of figuring it out with people from all sorts of backgrounds and at all levels of self-confidence, I’ve come up with a few main components of esteem work.

Here are the key factors, in my experience:

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1. Accept That You Are Flawed

The first step toward liking yourself is accepting all parts of yourself. Most people are at least slightly perfectionistic, with an unrealistic expectation that there’s someone out there who can be right or good all the time. (Not only is this impossible, it would make you insufferable.) Self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love, which means you expect and allow yourself to mess up sometimes and are gentle with yourself when you do.

This is very different from excusing bad behavior or never asking yourself to grow and change. Instead, it’s about having compassion and kindness toward yourself when you fail, with the knowledge that if you want to change, using a gentle desire to do better is far more productive than viciously beating yourself up.

2. Be Curious About Yourself

You can’t love what you don’t know, so an important step to increasing self-confidence is to learn who you truly are. Often, by early adulthood, people have created a blanket definition of themselves based on their experiences and what others have told them. “I’m shy” or “I have an anger issue” become messages they’ve accepted and no longer question. Even if you’re shy or angry, though, this is only one small part of you.

When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love.

Another way of not seeing or knowing your full self is when you pick and choose what you let others see. By showing only the parts of yourself that you think look best to others, you hide other pieces which are equally important and valid.

When you take time to examine who you are and who you want to be, you get more clarity about all of you—not just the elements that others have liked or disliked. You can gain insight into how you see yourself: your goals and ambitions, your flaws and failures, where you would like to grow. When you have all the pieces straight, you can start to accept them and integrate them into a real, full picture of yourself.

3. Practice Compassion

It’s a thin line between having compassion for yourself and having it for others. Working on both pieces at the same time is helpful. Often if a person in therapy finds it too tough to start with being kind to themselves, we pivot to working on being kinder to others.

One interesting way to gauge if you’re compassionate to others is to ask if you feel like others are judging you. Although it sounds conflicting, a worry that you are being judged is often an indication you have been taught to judge others. Maybe you came from a household where people’s clothes or weight or religiosity was criticized, and you find yourself as an adult having the same strict rules of behavior for others. It might be hard, then, not to imagine that people are doing the same thing to you. If you were disparaged by family or peers, you might have learned to carry this voice of disapproval inside of you. You might have even come to believe people were disliking you when, in reality, you were disliking yourself.

Having compassion for others is good practice for being kinder to ourselves. Think about letting others off the hook for bad behavior or not living up to your standards. Then try to move that same kind of understanding and gentleness back to yourself so you can realize everyone messes up sometimes. You may be surprised how your perspective shifts from one of distrust to one of tolerance.

Conclusion

Any of these three components of building self-esteem can be worked on by yourself or with the help of a professional. When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love. Even if you need not love yourself to find love, it’s worth learning how to do so anyway. It feels good to be the best version of yourself possible.

Approximately 10-13% of school-aged children in the United States experience rejection by their peers. Children who feel rejected may have a higher risk of decreased academic performance, experiencing bullying, or becoming bullies themselves. They can also have higher chances of developing mental health issues including depression and anxiety, behavior problems, and isolation (Nixon, 2010).

The ‘I Am’ Message

Children perceive the world differently than adults. As children interact in social settings, they receive messages about themselves and who they are. For example, if a child gets a B on a test and their parents praise their hard work and good grade, the child might receive the message, “I am smart,” “I am capable,” or “I am loved.” If the parents respond by asking why they didn’t get an A and expressing disappointment, the child might receive the message, “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am a bad person.”

The “I am” message a child receives might seem extreme for the situation, but in reality, children learn about who they are through interactions with parents, primarily, and peers, secondarily. [fat_widget_right]

When ‘I Am’ Messages Grow Up

Many “I am” messages are carried into teenage years and adulthood, where they affect how a person relates to others at work and in relationships. “I am” messages can also influence behavior and are often reinforced by continued experiences and interactions with others. For example, a teen who received the message “I am unworthy” as a child might stay in an abusive relationship longer than someone who received the message “I am worthy,” because deep within them exists the belief that they are unworthy and do not deserve more respect or better treatment. Being mistreated by their partner reinforces the negative “I am” message that they are not worthy. This can easily become a cycle and develop into a pattern for adult relationships as well.

There is good news for primary caregivers: The parent-child relationship is often the most influential in a child’s life. This means you, as a parent, have the power to help your child. When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

Tips for Helping Kids Process Rejection

How do you help your child deal with peer rejection? Below are a few things you, as a parent or guardian, can do to help your child when they are rejected by their peers.

• Create a safe space: If your child talks to you about being rejected by their peers, listen to their story without judging or shaming them for not standing up for themselves. If your child does not talk to you about being rejected, but you have noticed they are having a difficult time interacting positively with peers, talk to them about it when they are in a neutral mood. Let them know what you notice, focusing on your observations rather than your feelings, and provide space for them to share their perspective.
• Identify the “I am” message: Make note of the “I am” message your child has received and help them differentiate who they are (“I am”) from how they feel (“I feel”).  Help them gauge their feelings by reflecting on the story they tell and their facial expressions and body language. When you help your child notice how they feel, they will be able to separate their negative feelings from who they are.
• Empower them: Don’t rush to solve problems for your child (even though it might be tempting to do so). Empower them by allowing them to sort through different ideas about how to respond to peer rejection. Value their ideas and ask if they need you to support them in any way. Before you make the teacher aware of the situation, talk to your child about it and hear their perspective on that decision; they may have valid reasons for not involving the teacher.
• Help them connect: Remind them it is impossible to get along with everyone, but people with whom we have a lot in common can be good friends. Help your child identify their likes and dislikes and identify peers who have the same interests. Talk to your child about how to use common interests to approach peers.
• Contact a therapist: If you have tried to help your child but would like more guidance on how to best support them, contact a therapist in your area. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions and clear-cut solutions, so don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. A therapist can be a good option for your child, since they are a neutral person your child can talk to without worrying about how it could impact them in school or at home. One good option is a play therapist, because they can teach your child social skills and coping strategies through play. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might also be a good option if your child continues to hold on to negative “I am” messages.

Remember: you have the power to help your child, and your relationship with them is the most influential. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Everyone can use a little help sometimes.

Reference:

1. McKown, C., Gumbiner, L. M., Russo, N. M., & Lipton, M. (2009). Social-emotional learning skill, self-regulation, and social competence in typically developing and clinic-referred children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 38(6), 858-871. doi: 10.1080/15374410903258934
2. Nixon, R. (2010, February 2). Studies reveal why kids get bullied and rejected. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/6032-studies-reveal-kids-bullied-rejected.html

“I know I shouldn’t think this, but …”

“This is going to sound completely crazy, but …”

“I hate myself for feeling this way, but …”

Wouldn’t it be great if we had only thoughts and feelings that we liked and wanted and could simply eliminate the rest? I would just love it if every thought or feeling that entered my mind fell within my definition of rational, normal, and good. What a victory that would be—the psychological perfection I have always longed for.

I don’t think I’m alone in wishing my mind was like a placid temple garden, a place where only soothing, constructive, politically correct, and sensible thoughts showed up. Many people come to my therapy office with presenting problems like, “I don’t want to think about _______ anymore,” or, “I want to stop having these ________ thoughts.” These apparently reasonable goals can sometimes hide a secret goal of self-perfection: “I want to purify my mind of the things I judge as irrational, bad, or sick.” We want our wild thoughts out and our “sane,” civilized, “good” thoughts to rule. And there is nothing wrong with wishing for that.

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When we chase this ideal and try to make it a reality, though, we chase an impossible fantasy of unattainably perfect control; we forget that though we appear to be highly civilized animals, we are still animals, with automatic, uncontrollable aspects to our brains and nervous systems. We forget that though we are now physically adults, we were once children, and we carry a legacy of childlike thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we can never fully outgrow or forget.

Sadly, sometimes we task ourselves with the impossible: gain total control of a brain that relies almost entirely on non-conscious, automatic, non-controlled processing. When we take up this task, and when we ask our therapists to join us in this task, what can happen to us and our therapy? Can we learn to live with a mind that can produce both rational and “wild” thoughts? Do we have a choice?

Understanding Omnipotent Control

When we hold the expectation that we can or should perfectly control our thoughts through sheer effort and self-policing, we are striving toward what psychodynamic therapists have called “omnipotent control” (see, for example, Kernberg, 1975). We use the term omnipotent, meaning all-powerful, to suggest that in omnipotent control we strive for a degree of control that is beyond the realm of human powers and abilities. When striving for omnipotent control, we deny our human limitations and pressure ourselves (or others) to control the uncontrollable, in this case our wild thoughts. We try to use effort, often in the form of self-shaming, to purify ourselves of any “out-of-control” parts, something that no amount of effort can achieve.

In therapy, omnipotent control tactics can manifest in ways like these:

“How do I stop caring about my ex?” (Here, the person in therapy tries to engage the therapist in the task of achieving omnipotent control over feelings. Another way to read this is, “How can I transform the reality of what I do feel into my fantasy of what I think I should feel?”)

“There I go again attacking myself! I should know better by now!” (Translation: “I should be perfectly in control of my mind by now! I’m mad at myself for not having achieved my fantasy of omnipotent control.”)

“I couldn’t handle that our relationship was over, so I lashed out at him.” (Translation: “I’m having trouble accepting that some pain in life is out of my control, so I take omnipotent control of the pain by becoming the one who gives it.”)

As you can see in these examples, for some reason, some of us, maybe even all of us, sometimes, will ask ourselves to do the impossible, and we will burden our therapy with an impossible task: “Give me omnipotent control! I want to control what no one controls!”

Suffering Under Impossible Demands

Naturally, it can be tempting to burden ourselves with this desire for omnipotent control—it does sound pleasant to always be in control of our minds—but the results of this pressure can be depressing because when we give ourselves an impossible task, we always fail.

For those of us who haven’t accepted that omnipotent control is impossible, we may get depressed when our wild thoughts or uncontrolled feelings visit us—we may feel like failures rather than appreciate yet another reminder that we are humans, with human limitations. Paradoxically, we preconceive that perfect control over our minds will help us feel better, but when we show up as human instead of perfect, we learn that pressuring ourselves toward superhumanness can only make us feel worse.

When we impose the demand for perfect control of our thoughts and feelings upon ourselves, we inevitably will hurt ourselves because we will always be asking ourselves to do the impossible. However, knowing this does not always stop us from trying. So why is omnipotent control such a compelling fantasy?

Reality Bites Sometimes

Let’s face it: human reality is distinctly lacking in control. Whereas other species are born with the ability to motor around and do some things from the first moment of life, human babies are helpless; we have almost no control and authority until relatively late in our development. If we’re lucky in our development, we have experiences where we feel in control, even though for the most part those experiences are created for us by caregivers. Those of us who are lucky are slowly disillusioned and come to understand our limited capacity for control over time. Others suffer an abrupt, early, and often traumatic lesson—“You’re not in control of very much at all.”

When we try to reject our wild thoughts and feelings rather than accept them, we miss out on an opportunity to understand their meaning. In this way, rejecting our wild thoughts and feelings limits the effectiveness of therapy—whatever we try to get rid of by omnipotent control, we will not learn from.

Regardless of our upbringing, as we grow up we are required to face and learn about all the things we don’t control. We learn we can’t control how others think or act; we can’t control when we will die or whether we will get sick; we can’t control when the people we love will die; we can’t control the historical, political, or economic climate we are born into. With so much out of our control, no wonder we want to at least be able to control our minds!

The bad news is our minds are yet another thing we have an unfortunately small amount of control over. Sigmund Freud got a bad reputation for asserting as much—that our mind is “just like an iceberg, with 1/7 of its bulk above water,” meaning we can only see and control a small part of our minds. Although many of us do not want to believe Freud’s dictum, contemporary cognitive and affective neuroscience supports this claim with empirical evidence (e.g., Ledoux, 1996).

If you think this aspect of reality bites, I am with you. It is not fair. We did not ask to be born into this set of rules and limitations. But alas, here we are, and so it is understandable that sometimes we will pressure ourselves toward omnipotent control as an attempt to create a sense of stability and power, even if it’s only an illusion.

So I Can’t Control My Thoughts at All?

It may sound like I am encouraging hopelessness about gaining control of our wild, unwanted thoughts and feelings. Some may even wonder, “Are you saying therapy is hopeless?” In a certain way, I am. I am saying that if our therapy goal is perfect, total, omnipotent control over our minds, then yes, the therapy is hopeless—for this is a goal that, as far as I know, no human can hope to achieve. I am writing this to encourage realistic hopelessness about this realistically impossible goal.

That does not mean, however, that gaining some control over our minds is impossible. We all have mental processes that we control. However, we have to accept that we will never have total control, and that there is no magic, instantaneous technique for achieving control. That is simply not possible for the human mind. So what can we hope to gain control of? What can we get out of therapy if we give up on the goal of perfect, omnipotent control?

Can I Accept What I Cannot Control?

Ultimately, we can control what we can control, and we can’t control what we can’t control. That will always be the case. The challenge of therapy (and life), then, is can we accept that? Can we accept our inner paradoxes: we have some control and some lack of control; some rational thoughts and some incomprehensible, wild ones; some love and some hate inside; some goodness and some badness? Can we accept the thoughts and feelings that show up—the ones we didn’t ask for, the ones we didn’t expect, that we did not initiate?

When we strive for omnipotent control over our wild thoughts, we are unintentionally trying to reject and eject our humanity, our complexity, our mysteriousness, the paradoxical elements of human nature. Though we are attempting a kind of therapy on ourselves—“Get rid of the bad stuff”—we are also repeatedly harming ourselves, trying to cut off built-in parts of us that are most likely there for a reason. When we try to reject our wild thoughts and feelings rather than accept them, we miss out on an opportunity to understand their meaning. In this way, rejecting our wild thoughts and feelings limits the effectiveness of therapy—whatever we try to get rid of by omnipotent control, we will not learn from.

We all have a right to go on trying to control what we can’t control, what no one controls. Some of us may need to keep at that strategy for a long time before we’re ready to try anything different. That’s okay. When we’re ready, though, we can pick up the challenge: “Can I accept these wild thoughts?” From there, we can begin the immense journey of letting go of our fantasies of perfection and control, and begin to embrace ourselves as we are, wild thoughts and all.

References:

1. Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. New York, NY: Aronson.
2. LeDoux, J. E. (1996). The emotional brain. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

We do not get to choose the content of our minds, but we certainly try. There are many things in life—inside and outside of us—we do not choose or control, and that fall short of our ideals of perfection, and we have a great deal of trouble accepting this. Our work with acceptance versus rejection of the realities that are beyond our control or outside our definition of perfection can help us build resilience but can also lead to emotional suffering.

Take, for instance, the lack of choice or control we have in how our minds develop: We do not choose to be born; we do not choose the parents we are born to; and we do not choose the point in their lives we are born to them. We do not choose the parenting style of our parents (or that of their parents); we do not choose the trauma they endured before and after our birth; and we do not choose how their trauma history impacts their parenting. We do not choose our parents’ strengths; we do not choose their weaknesses; and we do not choose the parenting style we learn from them. In that sense, we do not choose how our parents teach us to parent ourselves, how they teach us to relate to our needs, thoughts, and feelings.

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Our earliest experiences and the echoes of those experiences—the ways of thinking, feeling, and being that now exist inside our minds—were not installed by us nor elected by us. Much of how we think and feel is an accident of whom we are born to and when; as a result, much of our mind is there by accident. We do not choose our psychological strengths, and, perhaps more regrettably, we do not choose our neuroses.

This is an uncomfortable reality to face, especially in this age in which we strive toward images of perfection and pride ourselves on feeling in control. Sigmund Freud joked that his theories were rejected mostly because they suggested people are not fully in control of their minds, and it is not surprising his theories remain unpopular. You may be tempted to stop reading this for the same reason. We humans do not like accidents, especially ones that happen to us. We work hard to prevent them. So it is hard to accept that much of what is in our minds is there more by accident than by some careful plan that we intentionally laid out.

It is especially hard to accept this when we find things inside our minds that we identify as “bad,” and as a result it can be tempting to construct the illusion of control over the “badness” so we can become our idea of “perfection.” We like to tell ourselves, “Don’t think that way,” or “Just be positive,” or “There’s nothing to be anxious about; just act natural.” We fancy that saying such things to ourselves can help us control the programming of our minds or make our habitual responses go away. We tell ourselves we can overpower our conditioning through force of will or through self-criticism. We try hard to reject the things inside ourselves that we don’t like, to make ourselves “better” or even “perfect.” “It’s bad enough I can’t control when I was born or when I’ll die,” one person in therapy told me, “but I should be able to at least control my mind!”

We try and try to suppress our “bad” thoughts. We come up with “techniques” that help us avoid the “bad” feelings or behaviors and “get better.” We think these acts of self-rejection will remove the “badness” from ourselves. But this “badness”—this confluence of thoughts and feelings that are inside us that we do not want—remains there despite our efforts to reject and banish it.

So, what then? What can we do when we find things inside ourselves that we didn’t choose to put there, that we don’t want there, that we identify as “bad,” but that are there anyway? Must we go on forever trying to cast out something “bad”? If we accept the “badness” we identify in ourselves, is that just complacency, giving up? What are the benefits of accepting our reality and giving up our fantasies of control and perfection? Let’s explore these questions around the emotional impacts of self-rejection and self-acceptance.

Why We Turn to Self-Rejection

In a certain way, we are all therapists. Each one of us has a unique style of self-help that we have learned and cultivated through our development. “Cure through self-rejection” is a common way to attempt self-therapy. Now, no one ever calls it that—we have fancy cover words for cure through self-rejection, such as “self-improvement” or “making progress,” and we do it with the best of intentions. When we analyze our thinking, however, we find many of us approach self-improvement, a seemingly benevolent endeavor, from a starting point of self-rejection: “I have identified something inside me as bad; I did not put it there and I do not want it there, as it challenges my fantasy of becoming perfect. Now I must ‘improve myself’ by finding some technique to rid myself of this badness to regain perfection. Immediately if not sooner, please!”

Self-acceptance does not promise us the sense of purification, perfection, and control that self-rejection tempts us with, and in that sense it may be less attractive in moments when the need for change feels dire. However, if we’ve tried self-rejection, seen its results, and understand why we thought it was a good idea at the time, perhaps we can begin to accept ourselves and see what happens then.

Self-rejection can lead to some forms of change, at least temporarily. In the name of “self-improvement,” I can suppress a particular thought for as long as I have the energy to do so; I can force myself to like things I don’t like or to stop liking things I do like for as long as I can put up the necessary effort. I can use “logic” to talk myself out of what comes naturally to me. But for those of us who have lied before, we know it takes a great deal of effort and energy to suppress what is true and keep the lie going; the liar faces the truth more than anyone. In the cure through self-rejection, we have to perpetuate a lie to ourselves—“I don’t feel/think/need that anymore. I’m perfected/fixed now”—even when we see how the “bad” thought or feeling we try to reject continues to pop up.

We approach our efforts at “self-cure through self-rejection” earnestly—we really think self-rejection will help us! We fantasize that self-rejection strategies will remove from us the burdens that were accidentally placed upon us by our early experiences. We think self-rejection will produce the self-love and sense of perfection we all long for. Many of us come to find, however, that in the end practicing self-rejection only helps us get better at self-rejection, which can lead to self-hate, depression, and other forms of suffering. Faced with that new knowledge, what do we do then?

We may be tempted to reject this self-rejection we have come to recognize in ourselves, as though rejecting our self-rejection will help us stop rejecting ourselves. It sounds silly on paper, but you might be surprised just how tempting this approach can be! Then therapy can become like a never-ending home improvement project in which we keep finding new self-rejections to “fix,” but our tool for fixing (self-rejection) keeps making us feel more broken. This inevitably leads us to feel like we are failing at therapy and at life; some people quit therapy as a result. But what if we are not the problem? What if self-rejection is the problem? If so, what then?

Why Self-Acceptance Offers More

We are then left with a question: Can I accept the rejecter that I am in this moment? Can I accept that it is tempting to reject the rejecter I see in the mirror right now? Can I accept that it has just felt natural and important for me to reject the real me that I find when I look inside? That it has been habitual for me to hate me when I find I don’t match a fantasy of perfection? Can I accept the strategy I have tried for self-therapy has failed, even though it felt so smart and useful all this time?

These can all be hard to accept. It can be hard to accept that there are things inside us that we do not like. It can be hard to accept that things are inside our minds that we did not choose to put there, that are there by accident. It can be hard to accept that the best strategy we had learned was a doomed, failed strategy. It can be hard to accept that we are not and cannot be fantasy people, just real people. Can we accept that the truth is sometimes hard to bear? Can we embrace that it has been important to become proficient at rejecting the truth and that there must be some good reason we got so good at rejecting the truth of ourselves and our lives? That it has been important and necessary in our lives to learn to compare our reality to an impossible fantasy of perfection, and call ourselves “not good enough,” “failure,” etc. and reject our real selves? Can we wonder about why learning to self-reject was so necessary and important?

Self-acceptance is not guaranteed to cure anything or to even feel good. All self-acceptance guarantees is we will be in touch with the clearest and most realistic picture of ourselves in this moment, beyond our fantasies of how we “should” be.

We may believe self-acceptance will lead to stagnation or complacency or that self-acceptance is like giving up on changing. But what if self-rejection is what has been leading to stagnation? What if continued self-rejection will require you to become complacent with the stagnation that self-rejection has been inducing? What if we need to give up on the fantasies of perfection and control that have been keeping us stuck if we are ever going to achieve realistic change based on a realistic assessment of ourselves and our lives?

Self-acceptance is not guaranteed to cure anything or to even feel good. All self-acceptance guarantees is we will be in touch with the clearest and most realistic picture of ourselves in this moment, beyond our fantasies of how we “should” be. Accepting our real strengths and resources and our real hurdles can give us a starting point for realistic change based on the facts of who we are in this moment, rather than based on the fantasy that if we just reject ourselves long and hard enough we will somehow become purified and perfected.

Self-acceptance does not promise us the sense of purification, perfection, and control that self-rejection tempts us with, and in that sense it may be less attractive in moments when the need for change feels dire. However, if we’ve tried self-rejection, seen its results, and understand why we thought it was a good idea at the time, perhaps we can begin to accept ourselves and see what happens then. And if we need to go on rejecting ourselves for now, which we might, can we accept that, too? Can we let go of the fantasy self who is perfect and in control, accept who we are right now, and see how that feels? We may not be able to choose the content of our minds and the events of our lives, but perhaps through self-acceptance we can come to choose how we relate to our reality.