GoodTherapy | Self-Development and Self-Centeredness

by Nancy Bortz, Psychotherapist

Self-Development and Self-Centeredness

Is self-development self-centered? Frankly, yes and no. The answer is “yes” when we’re merely analyzing the short-term and “no” when we’re taking a long-term perspective. While prioritizing your own personal growth may look a little like selfishness at first blush, the ultimate aim of self-development is you being your best self, which is better for everyone around you, not just you. 

Keeping the Goal in Mind

When you focus on yourself for the purpose of self-development, you may need to be rather isolated at times. Nonetheless, this isolation should be viewed as temporary, with the ultimate goal of having a meaning that extends beyond the self.

Thinking Like a Champion

For instance, we often hear how Olympic athletes lose contact with friends and family when their training ramps up in the pursuit of a podium spot. This strain on their relationships is caused by the “self-centeredness” of the Olympian. It may be hard for the athlete’s friends outside their athletic circle to understand the absolute focus required for success at the highest level. The athlete, however, knows what is required and is encouraged by their coaches to pursue excellence above all else. In this example, the athlete may even be shunned by the people closest to them due to a lack of understanding. However, the athlete must do what is required to achieve their dreams; they cannot afford to get wrapped up in the misguided expectations of others.

Self-development requires a degree of self-centeredness, at least in the short-term. Nonetheless, the long-term benefits are hopefully much more altruistic. Using our prior example, if the athlete were to win a gold medal, a generation of athletes and civilians alike may be inspired to achieve their dreams. Furthermore, the “hero’s journey” is complete at this point, and the hero can reunite with the friends and family that were temporarily neglected, assuming no bridges were burned too severely.

Don’t Be Derailed by Naysayers

It is important to remind ourselves that being labeled “selfish” is not the end of the world. You must remind yourself of your motives for pursuing personal development, even when it’s time-consuming or isolating. As long as seeking the approval of others is not your underlying internal drive, keeping your meaning and intention in mind will prove beneficial. Self-development is incredibly rewarding for not only the person on such a pursuit but also for society! A person who has overcome the obstacles to become a greater version of themselves can be an inspirational force for others. 

Digging even deeper, a person who has emphasized personal development becomes stronger and is thus more able to resist the forces that bring down society. It is ultimately the weak-minded individual who will fall prey to peer pressure or the mob. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and it is up to each individual to ensure the weakest link is not who they see when they look in the mirror.

Applying This in Your Own Self-Development Work

If you are still wondering how to apply self-development principles in your life (assuming that you are not training for a spot in the future Olympic Games), you may simply want to practice incremental changes. If, for example, you are aspiring towards a promotion at work, instead of going out drinking with friends on the weekend, consider devoting more time to your professional development. This can take the form of taking continuing education courses, reading business books, joining a professional coaching group, reaching out to a leader you admire in your professional circle for mentorship—anything that would directly contribute to on-the-job success.

Your friends may not be thrilled with your decision initially. Still, hopefully, they will come around when you get that much sought-after promotion. Securing this promotion may allow you to lead others on a broader scale and have your positive vision enacted. This can benefit your company and your company’s contribution to society. You are also setting a higher standard for your friends. You are gaining commendable strength in the process, which will pay dividends in many ways.

How a Good Therapist Can Help

Finding a good therapist can be a brilliant first step in making these tough decisions. A good therapist can help you gain self-confidence and the skills that will be necessary for your journey of self-development. Many different techniques can be utilized in therapy. I encourage you to find a therapist who implements the modalities you desire.

About Nancy: I am a psychotherapist in Denver, CO. I have been in the field for twenty years and have extensive experience helping individuals and couples realize their goals and become who they really are and all they can be. I hope you enjoyed this short article of my thoughts as a professional who knows that living true to oneself is the answer many are searching for.

Click through to search for a therapist in your area to support your personal growth and self-development.

man-peering-out-from-behind-curtainLast weekend I went to see the musical Wicked and found myself thinking about perception and self-acceptance. The show, based on a book of the same title, is the story of The Wizard of Oz as told from the perspective of Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west. From the beginning, the reimagining of this story questions the power of how we see things, and what happens when that perception is shifted. Our heroine is now the vilified underdog who was born with green skin instead of the sweet, young girl from Kansas.

In the play, the wizard himself speaks at great length about the power of perception. He acknowledges that the only power he really has is that other people believe he is powerful. His entire identity relies on the power of perception. The film version of the wizard is exposed by Toto to be just a man behind a curtain. Fallible and even a little bit tacky, his identity is based not on an internal sense of who he is, but on how others see him. When we actually meet the great and powerful Oz, he feels inauthentic.

We all have inside of us a “person behind the curtain.” For some, it’s an internal voice that doles out judgments aimed at others or internally at ourselves. From behind the curtain, we watch to see how people see us and if it matches the version of ourselves we want to put out into the world. Our internal wizard feeds on fear and anxiety. What will people think? How do I compare to others? It can be exhausting, working so hard to not feel rejection or judgment. In all of the hustle and bustle, it’s easy to lose track of our authentic selves.

The practice of radical self-acceptance provides an alternative perspective from which to view ourselves. It’s a way to interrupt the voice of self-judgment that comes from the “person behind the curtain.” Clinical psychologist Tara Brach writes that “wanting and fearing are natural energies. … But when they become the core of our identity, we lose sight of the fullness of our being.” (2003, p. 20) Brach points out that having feelings or fear, anxiety, jealousy, and envy is natural; it’s part of being human. Experiencing these feelings is not something that we need to be ashamed of. In fact, when we judge them and try to push them away, we can become stuck in a cycle of self-judgment. From a perspective of radical acceptance, internalizing these feelings into our identity can inhibit our ability to fully be ourselves, our ability to be authentic.

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In the story of Wicked, Elphaba spends her life as an outcast because of her green skin. This experience of suffering impacts her view of the world and who she grows up to be. Because of her differences, Elphaba cannot live behind a curtain as easily as the wizard. By accepting herself and the things that have happened to her, she is an example of the practice of radical acceptance. Elphaba never tries to be perfect or to be someone who everyone likes; instead, she tries to be her whole self.

Accepting our whole selves is not a cop-out to justify not making changes in our lives. Carl Rogers points out, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” (p. 38) The act of acceptance is a powerful one, and a difficult one. The practice of radical self-acceptance acknowledges and holds lovingly our whole selves. This includes the parts of us that we don’t like, the parts that we’re ashamed of, and the parts that we don’t want to share with others. What if it were OK that we’re not perfect? What if we strove instead to be whole?

How a story is told changes the meaning of what we hear. In Wicked, we’re asked to see things from a different perspective, and we learn things about the villain in the story that change everything. Suddenly, good and bad are harder to determine. Real life is like that, too; it can be messy, murky, and beautiful all at the same time. In our own lives, we are the authors of the story. We get to decide how we want to see ourselves. Challenging our self-judgments and accepting all parts of ourselves can help us stay connected to our own authenticity.

Reference:

Brach, T. (2003). Radical acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a buddha. New York: Bantam Bell.

woman-office-0624135I love my job. Love it. There are, of course, days like this one, when the 100-degree weather makes me want to bypass my office and head straight for the beach. For the most part, though, a day spent doing therapy is a day that fills me with deep satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

I haven’t always loved my job. In fact, for some time in college, I honestly hated it. A favorite professor recommended me for a coveted position as a psychological research assistant on a study being done at the world-renowned National Children’s Hospital. This particular study focused on how the quality of life for chronically medically ill adolescents may be improved by a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant. The position was a huge deal for an undergrad, and I was thrilled just to land a gig in my field instead of toiling at a children’s boutique, where I had been (I didn’t much love working there, either.)

This was going to look fantastic on my résumé; it was the kind of thing that would provide relevant experience and help usher me into grad school. I should have been overjoyed, and started out that way. But that soon fizzled, and instead I found myself downright miserable. The “gig” was not at all what I thought or hoped it would be. I had little to no interaction with the research participants. Instead, I spent every day hunched at the computer, matching subjects to controls, inputting boring data, and counting the slow minutes until I could head home.

According to positive psychology, we are happiest when the work we do, whether at home or on the job, allows us to use our signature strengths. Martin Seligman, the psychologist at University of Pennsylvania who pioneered the positive psychology movement, defines signature strengths as “strengths of character that a person owns, celebrates, and frequently exercises.” These are the personal traits and skills that come naturally, and that give us a sense of fulfillment and purpose when we use them.

Seligman has identified 24 unique character strengths, including fairness, curiosity, creativity, and humor. My VIA Signature Strengths survey results—which identified my top five strengths—help explain why, between my two jobs in psychology, I was woefully unhappy as a research assistant but have been blissfully content as a clinician.

My top three signature strengths are curiosity, love of learning, and perspective. Seligman and Christopher Peterson define these traits this way:

Doing therapy, I get to utilize all three of these strengths in my work. My sense of curiosity makes me truly interested in my clients and their personal stories. Because I love learning, I eat psych books like they are candy and very much enjoy attending conferences about new methods and ideas in my field, then immediately use what I learn in therapy sessions. Perspective (or wisdom) is a strength I try to employ daily by helping others look at themselves and their situations in healthy, encouraging ways.

A look at my relative weaknesses on the signature strengths survey also explains why my research assistant job didn’t work for me. The traits I seem to value least, and engage least frequently, are persistence, self-regulation, and prudence.

The research assistant job required hours of monotonous sifting through surveys and entering numbers into a statistical analysis program. This task required perseverance and discipline, two of my weaknesses. I was bored, edgy, and unfulfilled. I was impatient to learn the results of the findings, but it would be months until they were revealed. Day after day was the same—columns of numbers and the click-click-clack of computer keys. My curiosity was not satisfied, and my self-control was tested. I made regular trips to the vending machine, where in my careful scientific process I learned that I preferred Cheez-Its to Cheese Nips. I explored the wings of the hospital, discovering that the interns in the cardiology unit were better looking than those in rheumatology. I found myself daydreaming constantly.

Moreover, I became an unpopular, dissonant voice at the Adolescent Employment Readiness Center, as my unit was called. Since prudence was not one of my strengths, especially as a 20-year-old student, I made it all too clear that I did not believe that working at McDonald’s was the best use of time for a teen in remission who may not live to see his 20th birthday. As a passionate, wide-eyed kid myself, I thought our teenage subjects should be celebrating their periods of remission by sailing, surfing, seeing the world—anything but flipping burgers.

I am incredibly lucky. I was able to find a career that is in alignment with my signature strengths. Not all of us are as fortunate. Nonetheless, even in less-than-ideal situations, you can work toward finding opportunities to utilize your personal character strengths as often as possible. Research shows we are happiest when we are using our strengths regularly and in novel ways. By exploring the hospital and comparing the nuances of cheese-flavored snack foods, I engaged my curiosity and love of learning at my boring research job.

If your job or life circumstances don’t naturally engage your strengths, you can and should look for creative outlets for their expression. For example, if your strength happens to be my weakness of self-regulation, and you are in an unstructured environment, use your skills to bring order to the chaos. Help your coworkers organize their desk drawers or create a method for arranging their daily to-do list. If humor is one of your strengths, find ways to bring laughter to the board room or break room.

The most important point from the research on signature strengths is that we are happiest and most productive when we are living as an expression of our strengths rather than frantically trying to develop our weaknesses. I might look at my weaknesses and berate myself for being flighty, undisciplined, and impulsive. I could focus on these shortcomings and spend a bulk of time and energy making efforts to overcome them. To do so, according to positive psychology, is to expend precious energy swimming against the current of our most authentic selves.

It is worth investing a bit of effort to improve upon the weaknesses that handicap us and hold us back. Truth is, I do have a bit more stick-to-it-iveness and self-control now than I did in my college days. My mindfulness practice has helped me with that. Still, I am bored easily, relatively impatient, and I tend to speak my mind, so it doesn’t surprise me that persistence, self-discipline, and prudence remain my weaknesses.

Three times today I’ve abandoned writing this article to do something else. Because I’m curious and love to learn, I went to find the reference for another article, and found myself distracted by another couple of pages that popped up in my Google search. When I set out to write, I know that this will be the way things go, so I give myself the time for what will inevitably be my process. I allow and engage my strengths, and don’t beat myself up for my weaknesses. By permitting myself to work at a comfortable pace, I am able to eventually accomplish what I set out to do in a way that feels genuine to me.

Finally, I return to my signature strength of perspective/wisdom. I always enjoy sharing what I know with others, and helping them potentially gain insight, which happily propelled me to continue writing and to finish this article. I close by encouraging you to discover your own signature strengths and align your life with their expression. Become aware of your weaknesses, too, if only to learn forgiveness and a better understanding of where you may be challenged. By using your strengths creatively and consistently, you will create for yourself what positive psychologists call “the good life,” and be happier for doing so.

We all have dreams and goals in life starting at a young age. Some of us want to sing for a living, others want to become teachers, and some want to become veterinarians. We have the desire to be liked and known by many, to have families and luxuries. But is there more to life than these hopes?

Understanding the concept of self-actualization could help you come to a better realization of what you’re doing with your life, and where you want to be.

A recent Huffington Post article by Russell Bishop visited the concept of self-actualizing in comparison to self-conceptualizing: “Self-actualization represents the process of becoming more of who you already are, while self-concept is more about your self-talk, about trying to become something or someone you may hope you are but fear you are not,” Bishop said. “While your self-talk represents an amalgam of beliefs, hopes and fears that you have accepted about who you are, your soul-talk emanates from the depth of who [you] truly are, encouraging you to grow, to blossom, and to expand.”

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The Four Aspects of Self-Actualization

From The Inspired Life: Unleashing Your Mind’s Capacity for Joy, by Susyn Reeve:

Six Tips Toward Self-Actualization

From The Inspired Life: Unleashing Your Mind’s Capacity for Joy, by Susyn Reeve:

Obstacles to Self-Actualization

Susyn Reeve, a self-esteem expert and the author of The Inspired Life: Unleashing Your Mind’s Capacity for Joy,  says that unfortunately, many people haven’t even started on the road to self-actualization.

“They don’t understand how the brain works, the creative process, and that everything that exists begins inside and then is brought to form outside,” she says. “Most people suffer from low self-esteem and do not believe in themselves—they feel unworthy, unloved, and are ashamed of these feelings. Their fears, worries, and anxieties stop them in their tracks. They give more credence to the opinions of others and fail to honor their inner knowing.”

Valery Satterwhite, an inner wealth consultant, has additional advice for people who want to become self-actualized. “It is essential to first reconnect with who you really are and what you value most,” Satterwhite said. “Too many people live life through the prism and the prison of a false personality where the real self is buried under layers of expectations—who a person ‘should be’ and what he or she ‘must do.’ As children we tend to condition ourselves—we shape-shift our identities—in order to stay connected, loved, and belong in our environment. The more we strip away these false layers, the more we are able to expand our sense of self and our place in the world.”

She said everyone is capable of self-actualization, and most people want this for themselves, but many people don’t completely become self-actualized. “Whether or not they achieve it depends upon how willing they are to step beyond the comfort zone of conditioning to explore new perspectives, new learning, and new insights,” Satterwhite said.

“Those who live in fear will not travel very far in their journey of self-actualization,” she added. “Fear is restrictive—it cuts off expansion and actualization whether it be within an individual, society, or government. Those who value themselves and the gift that is this life enough reach a point where the pain of staying inauthentic overrides their fear. Those who step into their fears know the joy that comes with the learning and the growth that comes with the courage to step into the unknown. Often what we fear the most is what our heart is calling us to become. It scares us because it matters that much.”

Five Stages to Self-Actualization

Sarah Lendt, a nationally certified counselor, references the humanist psychologist Abraham Maslow‘s definitions of the stages that people must master before they can reach the final tier of self-actualization. The five stages are:

  1. Physical needs, like food and water
  2. Safety and survival, including physical and emotional safety and shelter
  3. Love and a sense of belonging
  4. Esteem and self-esteem
  5. Self-actualization

It can be challenging, of course, to move past all of these steps to get to self-actualization.

Lendt said, “In our lifetime we strive to meet these various needs,” according to Maslow’s concept of self-actualization and his hierarchy of needs. “Circumstances may cause us to go back to a particular stage and need to fulfill it again; once a need is fulfilled, we can work toward achieving the next need. Sometimes unmet needs can cause a person to become fixated or stuck at a particular level.”

Self-actualization is “looking outside ourselves to do good for others, and receiving satisfaction in life for such behaviors,” Lendt said. “It is a point where we are being the best we can be—self-fulfilled and helping others … I think most people certainly can achieve it, but there is so much pressure, so many expectations in our world that people hold of themselves and others, that it is hard to get beyond the esteem level—feeling good and confident about yourself so much that you can look outside yourself in your actions.”

Nine Characteristics of Self-Actualized People

From Kendra Cherry:

Apparently, Abraham Maslow was right, according to a new study. University of Illinois researchers tested Maslow’s theory and discovered that people actually do feel happier when their basic needs are met. “Anyone who has ever completed a psychology class has heard of Abraham Maslow and his theory of needs,” said professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Illinois, Ed Diener, and lead author of the study. “But the nagging question has always been: Where is the proof? Students learn the theory, but scientific research backing this theory is rarely mentioned.” The researchers used data collected over five years from over 150 countries. The information gathered pertained to positive and negative emotions resulting from various basic needs, including food, shelter, money, safety, respect, social relations, and autonomy.

The study revealed that the happiest people were those who reported feeling fulfilled in most of those areas. But, contrary to Maslow, the sequence in which their “higher” and “lower” needs were met did not influence their sense of satisfaction or joy. The researchers also discovered that those who felt their life was positive did so more when their most basic needs of food, shelter, and money were met. The higher needs, autonomy, respect, and social support, were linked to a feeling of joy. “Thus life satisfaction is not just an individual affair, but depends substantially also on the quality of life of one’s fellow citizens,” Diener said.

“Our findings suggest that Maslow’s theory is largely correct. In cultures all over the world the fulfillment of his proposed needs correlates with happiness,” said Diener. “However, an important departure from Maslow’s theory is that we found that a person can report having good social relationships and self-actualization even if their basic needs and safety needs are not completely fulfilled.” He added, “Another revision of his theory is that we found that different needs produce different types of well-being.”

Reference:

Yates, D. (2011, June 30). Researchers look around the world for ingredients of happiness. Medical News Today. Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/230109.php

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