by David Panahi, Licensed Professional Counselor

3 Steps to Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

We are our worst critics. The things we say to ourselves are often far more damaging than what others say to us. I have battled negative self-talk for most of my life, and it affected my mood, energy level, and productivity. Most of us hope that life will be exciting and adventurous, but our inner critic ruins anything good.

That self-criticism brings a “yes, but” mentality to whatever is happening in our lives at the moment. “Yes, it is great that you graduated school, but who is going to give you a job?” “Yeah, you lost ten pounds, but you’re going to gain it again in no time.” Negative self-talk refuses to see the positive in what is happening, constantly focusing on doom and gloom. This does us no favors.

It’s easy to give in to self-criticism. The following steps are ways that I recommend my clients in therapy who are dealing with negativity.

1. Acknowledge when you’re engaging in negative self-talk.

Dr. Phil McGraw has a saying: “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” The first step to changing a bad habit is noticing ourselves engaging in the behavior. You might want to journal about it or take a mental note when it is happening.

2. Identify the intentions behind your negative self-talk.

When we are not aware, our past frustrations and wounds influence our present behavior. Beneath the negative self-talk lies the intention of avoiding disappointment, hurt, and failure. We need to know why our brain associates the present experience with negativity in order to break the habit. 

3. Reframe your present experience.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), reframing means understanding an experience, event, or idea from a different point of view. If our brains automatically focus on the negative, we need reframing to see the positive side of what is happening. 

Think again about my two examples above. 

• True, it might take some time to find a job fresh out of school, but this information doesn’t diminish your accomplishment! Graduating is a significant milestone.
• Sure, losing 10 pounds does not guarantee that you will always be physically fit. Still, you cannot discredit the fact that you lost those 10 pounds. 

Reframing our faulty perception empowers us to have a realistic view of what is happening. It also saves us from the emotional rollercoaster that we experience on a daily basis.

Start at the Beginning

My encouragement to you for today is to pause and pay attention to what kind of things you say to yourself. Then use the three-step technique to reframe those negative thoughts with positive ones.

Negative self-talk can be challenging to overcome. Consider enlisting the help of a therapist who can help you succeed. Click through to find a therapist near you.

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.

Many people believe being one’s own private drill sergeant is the best way to be a good person. Countless advertisements and workout videos have taught us that if we berate ourselves enough, we’ll get up off the couch and be more productive. If we break down, overeat, or underperform, many of us believe it is helpful to call ourselves “maggot” and “lazy piece of @#$%.”

Most of the time when we’re being hard on ourselves, it’s in service of this misguided belief that self-criticism is the fastest road to self-improvement. We believe the meaner we are, the more we’ll want to obey. We suspect the opposite must also be true: if we’re kind and loving to ourselves, that will be an excuse to nap all day or spend countless hours playing video games.

It’s part of our national history to believe in the “spare the rod, spoil the child” method of motivation. Yet lately we have tempered our child-rearing techniques, teaching via rewards instead of punishments. For ourselves, however, we most often still choose the whip over the carrot. Client after client sits in my office and tells me how, in an attempt to lose weight, they tell themselves they look like a whale. While trying to be a better parent, they scare themselves with thoughts that they’re destroying their kids. Hoping to get ahead at work, they call themselves useless or pathetic.

Empathy is often a better motivator than cruelty.To be clear, this behavior doesn’t work. Imagine a child who wants to learn math, but the teacher constantly humiliates them, calls them stupid, and points out their mistakes. Most people under this kind of pressure will crack, either agreeing they must be incapable, or rebelling and refusing to try. No one has ever felt energized and ready to learn after being yelled at for their failures.

Instead, the key is to be gentle with yourself. Allowing for failure can give you enough energy to get back up after you stumble and start over again. If you want to cultivate perseverance, resilience, and grit, then you can reinforce these characteristics with praise. Support can create encouragement so you actually want to continue the difficult work of self-improvement.

16 Strategies to Change Your Relationship With Yourself

If you find yourself stuck subscribing to the philosophy of punishment-as-motivation, here are some quick strategies for changing this ingrained habit.

1. Thought stopping: One of the simplest ways to block a thought is to put your mind to stopping it. Picture a red stop sign, yell stop (whether out loud or in your head), stomp your foot, or imagine yourself stomping. This action captures your attention. It reminds you the thought is unhelpful and you’re trying to change it. Done consistently, thought stopping creates a new habit in exchange for the old, mindless pattern of self-criticism.

2. Thought replacing: Once you’ve stopped the thought, it’s time to replace it. Come up with a different statement, one that is actually motivating. Instead of “I’m so dumb,” perhaps you could say “I’m committed to reading more,” making it your mantra until it has power. Write the new phrase on sticky notes and place them where you’ll see the notes daily.

3. Compassion: Empathy is often a better motivator than cruelty. The phrase “I’m trying hard and want to succeed” can build energy, while “I’m no good and never will be” will likely drain it. You may feel sappy telling yourself warm and loving statements, but after you get past the discomfort, you may be shocked at how good you feel.

4. Being realistic: If you strongly believe you must look hard at your faults, go for it. Just do it in a balanced way. Criticism tends to work best when it is constructive. Decide what you want to change and why (“I need to be healthier.”). Next, own your faults or past mistakes (“I haven’t exercised enough in the past.”). Then move back to a realistic point of view (“I’m working on feeling healthier, so I’ll do one active thing today.”). Constructive criticism can be difficult to do, especially if you have a history of perfectionism, so you may wish get help from a trustworthy individual.

5. Thought labeling: Some thoughts are distorted and can’t be trusted. Sometimes by labeling these thoughts as the cognitive distortions they are, you can take away their power. You can find a list of common cognitive distortions here. Which are your go-tos?

6. Thought observation: “Observing” thoughts means sitting back and watching without judgment. It is a key component of mindfulness. Observation sounds simple, but it can pack a big punch. Gaining some objective distance often waters down the harshness of our critical thoughts. Thought observation often involves a simple meditation in which you relax, breathe, and acknowledge your feelings and thoughts without trying to fix them.

7. Emotion labeling: Reframe automatic thoughts as what they really are: reactions to a feeling, usually fear or anger. So “I’m such a loser for not getting an A on my test” is, in reality, “I’m scared I’m not lovable unless I am a top achiever.” Try to figure out the feeling under the statement to expose it for what it really is: a vulnerability that needs to be soothed.

8. Being kind to that emotion: Now do the soothing. It can be with words, by talking to yourself about how it’s okay to be scared, or sad, or imperfect. You could try talking things through with someone you trust. You can also sooth yourself by resting more or doing an activity that feels nice. Boosting your confidence and your mood can help energize you to do what you really want.

9. Being kind to the critical voice: Now move that wonderful compassionate approach to the inner critic itself. There’s a judge in your mind who thinks it knows all the answers, who has been taught to be cruel. Tell that voice you love and understand it, and watch what happens—many times it shrinks under the weight of all that kindness.

10. Inner child work: Imagine one the first times you told yourself, or were told from someone else, the negative message in question. Who first taught you that eating an extra cookie was repulsive? If you can picture your younger self getting that message, feeling hurt and shame, then you can imagine holding that kid, that part of you, and comforting them.

11. Doing something pleasant: Don’t underestimate the power of distracting your mind. Performing an activity that you enjoy has multiple benefits. It’s a way of being kind to yourself with actions instead of words. It can keep your mind too busy to continue attacking yourself. Plus, it may increase endorphins and other stress-relieving hormones.

12. Talking to someone who likes you: Social interaction is often a key component of well-being. We tend to be influenced by other people’s moods. If your friend is judgmental, you may struggle to curb your own inner critic. But if your friend is energetic and upbeat, you may be inspired toward change. Having a conversation with someone who feels positively about you can help you feel better about yourself.

13. Finding support: Friends aren’t the only—and sometimes aren’t the best—means of support. Often people feel safer talking to someone with no personal ties to them. Some people find it easier to be honest and vulnerable with someone they don’t have to see over dinner. They may turn to an individual therapist, a phone support line, or a support group.

14. Making a list of your achievements or good qualities: Self-esteem building can be as simple as reciting the qualities you like about yourself. When we get in the habit of believing we need to highlight our faults to stay on top of them, we weaken the “muscle” that reinforces our positive attributes. Start by writing down all the things you and others like about you. Put the list near your bed to look at each night or morning. For more tips, read my earlier blog post on self-esteem.

15. Taking one step in the right direction: If you truly believe there’s something you should be doing but aren’t, maybe the scope of the undertaking is overwhelming you. Try starting with a bite-sized piece of your plan. For instance, if you want to get a college degree, but a BA program seems too expensive and time-consuming, start by taking one class. If that still sounds intimidating, you could buy a book in one subject. Or talk to one college counselor. Any movement in the direction you want to go can feel like momentum toward your larger goal.

16. Accepting failure: Finally, get way, way more accepting of your limitations. It’s utterly counterintuitive, but success often requires being okay with mistakes. Giving yourself permission to fail does not mean you’re okay with not trying and not achieving. It means you’re realistic that trying sometimes means screwing up.

Any one of these techniques is its own first step to an approach that’s more compassionate and realistic. Give yourself the space to experiment, with one goal in mind: switching from being your own worst critic to your biggest fan.

How do you react to your inner critic?

Have you found yourself responding to that internal critical voice that just won’t leave you alone? Maybe you’re feeling yourself shut down in response to all that ruthless chatter. You may not be able to figure out how to slow down and stop berating yourself.

An inner critic can be useful in ways, though we may not always be willing to acknowledge it. This internal voice can help keep us on our toes every so often with quick judgments. And judgments can often be useful. They allow us to make quick descriptions by creating simple categories and fast, shorthand ways of describing preferences and consequences.

At times we need to make judgments very quickly in order to act. For example, if we are driving and someone swerves into our lane, we have to make an instant judgment in that moment. The difficulty lies in the fact that the judgments we make are often incomplete and inaccurate. They can hold us back as a result. [fat_widget_right]

There are other problems with judgments, too:

• They have a tendency to distract us from what’s actually happening and may end up replacing facts.
• Judgments can lead us to stop observing or becoming aware of what’s going on for us.
• Judgments can feed negative emotions like guilt or shame.

Letting Go of Judgments

It can be helpful for us to learn to let go of our judgments. We want to be able to draw on them as needed and use them when they’re useful for us. But it’s important to know how and when to let go. That way, when our judgments are not really serving us, we can choose to stop judging and make a difference choice.

How can we do this? One way is through mindfulness.

One of the key elements of mindfulness is practicing the nonjudgmental stance. This can help us increase our compassion—not just for others, but for ourselves, as well. Learning to mindfully disentangle ourselves from our judgments can help us learn to quiet our inner critic. It can also leave us free to aim for the things we want to build in our lives.

The following steps can help you begin.

1. Notice your inner critic.

It may be difficult to notice your inner critic and the judgments it passes at first, but it’s possible to learn. It may help you to keep a tally of these judgments in a journal or on a worksheet. That way, you have an opportunity to stop and notice what it was that brought on the judgment.

2. Determine if the judgment is helpful.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not. If it’s something that is helpful, you can consider how you might navigate it in a way that serves you well.

At first, it may seem to you as though your inner critic is turbocharged. It’s full of power and overactive. It may feel as though you’re doing a lot of judging. You might even end up berating yourself for this and judge the judgments you are passing. Though it may feel as though your inner critic is running wild, what’s actually happening is that you are becoming more aware of the internal judging. Your awareness is leading you to start noticing it more and more. You aren’t judging yourself more, you’re just becoming more aware of when you’re doing it. This is a progression. By becoming more aware of where our mind is, we have a greater opportunity for bringing it back to where we want it to be.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not.

When we notice our judgments, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “Is this judgment helping or hurting me?” If the answer is that it’s helping us, we realize what can contribute to our lives and how that judgment has served us positively. We also have the option of taking action. If the judgment is one that’s hurting us, we have gained some additional information about our inner critic and the ways it works to denigrate us.

In these instances, the tools we’ve learned for letting go of that judgment can serve us well. For example, we might reevaluate and become aware of what it was we were judging and then replace the judgment with statements of preference or consequence. We can also replace judgments with things we have observed with each of our senses.

When we use these steps, we can practice accepting what it is we notice without getting entangled in our internal monologue. In this way, we can more easily allow the judgments to drift away. This can take some practice, especially at first. If you do notice, as you progress, that more judging is happening, try not to give in to the temptation to judge those judgments. Instead, allow yourself to simply notice how your inner critic is paying attention to what is going on. This can help you bring your awareness back to what might actually serve you in this moment.

If you are struggling to increase your awareness of your inner critic and the judgments it passes, a trained, compassionate counselor can help you explore strategies for doing so.

When you make a mistake, how do you react? Are you overly critical? Do you always blame yourself, even for the smallest mistakes? That’s your inner critic talking.

The inner critic is the part of us that wants to point out all of our faults. It expects perfection and won’t accept anything less. It also assumes it knows how others think and feel about us. Listening to this inner critic can often make us feel really bad about ourselves.

Why Do We Believe Our Inner Critic?

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy is based on the idea that we all have many different parts inside of us. The expression of these parts differs from person to person. In other words, we all have an inner critic, but for some of us that critical part is much louder and meaner. Our inner critic can make us feel anxious or depressed by telling us we aren’t living up to others’ expectations.

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice. [fat_widget_right]

But in reality, bullying doesn’t make us more productive. Quite the opposite, in fact: research shows bullying in the workplace lowers productivity and increases depressive symptoms. Research has also shown that self-criticism tends to accompany social phobias and depression. Self-criticism has also been shown to increase the severity of combat-related posttraumatic stress (PTSD), eating disorders, and body image issues.

What Does Your Inner Critic Want You to Know?

So if our inner critic leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and increases the risk of some mental health concerns, can we learn anything from listening to that part of us?

Is it possible that it wants to protect us from harm? Does that critical part of us come from a place of good intent?

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice.

When we approach the inner critic from the IFS (parts) model, we can begin to understand that this critical part is actually working hard to protect us. It says all those mean things with the best intentions. It truly believes it is helping us.

But if we were trying to help someone else, like a friend or family member, we wouldn’t be that hard on them, would we? We probably wouldn’t ever be that hard on anyone other than ourselves.

So how do we get the inner critic to quiet down? To be less critical?

How Can We Do Things Differently?

1. Tune in.

The first step we can take is to really tune into the inner critic. Try to draw a mental image (you can actually draw it, if that helps!) that part of you. How old does it feel? What does it look like? Does it sound familiar? Perhaps it sounds like a person from your past, a parent, or an ex-partner. Maybe it sounds like someone currently in your life.

2. Get curious.

As you begin to have a clearer picture of that critical part, the next step is to start noticing how often it shows up. Does it chime in when you make mistakes or when it worries about being judged? Does it tell you to avoid new places and situations? How often is it present? Does it show up once in a while, or does it offer a constant stream of negativity?

3. Ask some questions.

You might notice that the critical part hangs around a lot, especially if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. The next time you hear your inner critic, try asking some questions to find out more about it:

• “What is it you’d like me to know?”
• “What are you afraid might happen if I don’t follow your directions?”
• “When you say critical things to me, what is your intention?”

4. Use compassion and curiosity.

As you take time to listen, see if you can be compassionate and curious. Would you like to ask that part some other questions? Try to be kind and curious at the same time. Each time your critical part answers a question, you can let it know that you heard it.

You’ll probably learn that your critical part is reacting from deep-seated fears. It’s trying to protect you from future harm. It wants to keep you safe. When you learn that your part wants to protect you, you may feel less likely to tell it to shut up and leave you alone. You might even begin to feel some compassion for the critical part because it’s always responding from fear.

5. Listen and respond.

As you become more familiar with when and how your critical parts show up, you can start responding differently. You can say something like, “I hear you. I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake or get hurt by others, but I don’t want to live my life in constant fear. Thank you for worrying about me. Right now I’m going to ask you to step aside while I decide what I’m going to do.” You’re telling that part that you hear it. You are compassionately asking your critical part to let you, not it, decide what’s next.

Talking to your inner critic takes a lot of practice. I’m willing to bet it’s had your ear for a long, long time. But in time, you’ll find it’s easier to notice when it shows up and easier to get it to calm down as you try new things—and hopefully even have fun doing them!  [amazon_affiliate]

If you are struggling to reach your inner critic, consider reaching out to a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help you explore this critical part of you.

References:

1. McTernan, W. P., Dollard, M. F., & LaMontagne, A. D. (2013, November 7). Depression in the workplace: An economic cost analysis of depression-related productivity loss attributable to job strain and bullying. Work & Stress: An International Journal of Work, Health, & Organization, 27(4), 321-338. doi: 1080/02678373.2013.846948
2. Neff, K. D., Germer, C. (2017). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford handbook of compassion science (371-386). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
3. Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to internal family systems model. Oak Park, IL: Trailhead Publications.

“You are a failure.”

“You look ugly today.”

“Everyone’s life is better than yours.”

Have you ever said these things to a close friend? How about a family member? I’m guessing the answer is no.

Then why do you say these things to yourself?

We are often harder on—and crueler to—ourselves than we are with other people. We hold ourselves to higher standards and berate ourselves more. What’s the effect? Depression, low self-worth, and deep feelings of shame.

Here are four antidotes:

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1. Talk to yourself like you talk to your friends.

If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Next time you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try this quick exercise. First, get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and draw a box with two rows and five columns. Label the columns Thought, Emotion, Evidence, New Thought, and New Emotion.

If you’re beating yourself up about your career, under Thought you could write, “I’ll never have a successful career.” After you’ve written it down, sit with the thought for a few minutes and focus on the emotions that bubble up. Do you feel anger? Shame? Sadness? In the box under Emotion, write down all the feelings the thought triggers.

Under Evidence, write anything that challenges the negative thought. For example, “I went to a good college” or “I’m a hard worker.” Under New Thought, write a replacement for the original thought that takes into account the evidence. For example, “I haven’t found the right career yet, but I believe I will soon.”

Finally, under New Emotion, write down how this new thought makes you feel. Optimistic? Energized? Repeat this exercise daily until thought-stopping and replacement happens naturally.

2. Practice mindfulness to eliminate self-judgment.

Along with negative self-talk, self-judgment hurts you even if you’re not conscious you’re doing it. Mindfulness is essential when learning to defeat self-judgment and build self-compassion.

You need to consider your thoughts and feelings without ruling on whether they’re “good” or “bad.” Observe them with mindful awareness. Recognize the thought or emotion without judging it. Don’t try to push it away, but don’t ruminate on it either.

Remember, thoughts come and go, and feelings change. Don’t over-identify with any one. You are not this one thought or one feeling. This too shall pass.

3. Forgive yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity.

Throughout your life, you did the best you could with the tools you had. The lessons you took from your caregivers, your experiences, your environment, and your physical and mental health all affect the way you treat others and yourself. If your parents didn’t model healthy anger, it’s likely you don’t express it healthily either. If you work in a highly competitive and cutthroat workplace, it’s likely you’ve cut a few metaphorical throats yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity. People make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. What’s important is making amends, if you can, and learning new tools so you don’t make the same mistakes.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

No matter how much you think you know someone, you can’t know the whole story. If you’re single and desperate to start a family, looking at Facebook photos of an old classmate’s wedding or pictures on Instagram of a coworker’s new baby is a quick way to feel terrible about yourself.

People often use social media to show an idealized version of their life. Your old classmate doesn’t post about the fights she has with her husband. Your coworker doesn’t share photos of the baby wailing through the night. Try to resist the urge to go down the social media rabbit hole, and if you can’t resist, remind yourself that you see only one side of the story.

Consider unfollowing people whose lives trigger the strongest emotions. Check the site or app settings; most let you stay friends with someone without seeing their updates.

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Kristin Neff, psychologist and self-compassion researcher, writes about showing kindness to oneself in her book Self-Compassion: “Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance” (2015). Your value isn’t based on how much money you make, how subjectively attractive you are, or how useful you are to others. You don’t lose worth when you make mistakes or come up short of your own or others’ expectations. The foundation of self-empathy and self-compassion is the understanding that you possess unconditional worth.

If you struggle to feel compassion and kindness for yourself, consider working with a therapist.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: William Morrow.

“I was looking forward to the party and I liked everyone there, but afterward I felt so down. I couldn’t stop worrying about what I’d said that sounded stupid, or if I hurt someone’s feelings. But I can’t possibly have social anxiety. I love socializing! I have plenty of friends.”

I’ve heard a version of that story many times—people in therapy experiencing what they call shyness, self-criticism, or loneliness in social situations. When I suggest this might fit the category of social anxiety, they’re shocked. They picture a person who huddles in the corner at a party or tries to be invisible in work meetings, never speaking above a whisper. The reality is social anxiety could affect anyone around you, from the bubbly girl in your class who is secretly praying she won’t be called on by the teacher, to the take-charge guy in the office who goes home exhausted from the strain of interacting with others all day.

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It’s true one model of social anxiety is the extreme: a loner who fears any contact with other people. This person might be diagnosed with “social anxiety disorder,” a clinical term which involves a high degree of distress, significant interference with daily functioning, and often panic attacks. It’s more common to have a less severe version of the condition, which wouldn’t be labeled a disorder—it’s just a major, sometimes daily, challenge.

Social anxiety can show up in many ways, such as not wanting to be the center of attention or dreading walking into a room of strangers. The unifying factor for everyone who struggles with it is a persistent fear they are being judged critically. It’s a sense any interaction could be fraught with danger, where we run the risk of messing up and being seen in a negative light. In this way, it can turn occasions that ought to be pleasant—like parties, weddings, or holidays—into torturous ordeals.

Below are some common misconceptions about social anxiety, along with more detailed information about the ways this condition can present itself.

1. Everyone with social anxiety is an introvert.

Believe it or not, you can be confident or personable and have social anxiety. You can know you’re basically a likable person and still worry everything you say is wrong. This is because social anxiety isn’t about your overall view of yourself but rather the conviction you are being judged and are bound to fail.

It can be surprising to discover someone who is outgoing and successful also frets over how they come across. The condition is distressing whether it’s obvious (hiding in the back of the room at a wedding) or subtle (telling a story to a group, but grinding your nails into your palms under the table). Sometimes struggling in secret is harder because people don’t believe you have the condition or discount how much you’re suffering, or don’t know they need to offer you more support.

2. If you have social anxiety, you can’t be good at public speaking.

Many socially anxious people are quite good at giving lectures or heading up meetings. In fact, many actors, who make their living speaking in front of others, struggle with social anxiety. This is because giving a speech or reading a script is a learnable, practicable skill, and one that offers fewer opportunities to mess up than impromptu socializing does. Many worriers plan far in advance and rehearse multiple times, so that a presentation becomes more like a memorization activity, or a performance, than a nightmare scenario.

Public speaking has the additional benefit of allowing the speaker to feel in control of the room. Since the belief is everyone is always watching and judging, it can feel relieving to enter a situation where that element is assumed and can to some extent be prepared for.

3. If you have social anxiety, you feel it most of the time.

The condition can affect you only in certain settings, or only some of the time. Some of the people I work with in therapy feel confused when they attend two social events but struggle through only one of them. “Why can I deal sometimes but not all the time?” they wonder. Luckily, we can examine the difficult times to explore what makes them worse.

Usually, what seems baffling at first soon yields important truths. Each of us has elements that make us more anxious based on past experiences (such as the time we fell during a school dance), messages we’ve heard (a parent reminding us we’d put on weight), or societal norms (a fear nice girls are never loud and boisterous). When we can uncover our personal triggers, they become easier to soothe.

Like any other anxiety, this one can itself become the source of angst. Sometimes people aren’t really anxious about the social event—they’re more anxious they might feel anxiety, and the fear of what might happen overcomes them.

4. Social anxiety affects you only during social interactions.

Some people worry incessantly before a gathering, but once it starts, they’re in the moment and feel less concerned. Others don’t dread the office holiday party and enjoy it while it lasts, but the next morning face self-recrimination. Social anxiety doesn’t have a timeline, though it typically affects the same person in the same way during each occurrence. In other words, once a pre-worrier, always a pre-worrier. It’s not uncommon to be engrossed in a conversation and truly enjoying it, only later to recall the conversation as tormented or littered with your blunders.

Like any other anxiety, this one can itself become the source of angst. Sometimes people aren’t really anxious about the social event—they’re more anxious they might feel anxiety, and the fear of what might happen overcomes them. In these cases, it’s important to remember all the times the anxiety doesn’t exist and reinforce the idea it isn’t in control.

5. If you have social anxiety, you don’t feel it with people you’re close to.

It’s a little like the Phillip Lopate satiric poem, which begins: “We who are your closest friends feel the time has come to tell you that every Thursday we have been meeting as a group to devise ways to keep you in perpetual uncertainty frustration discontent and torture …” The condition convinces people that others could be misinterpreting them, teasing them, secretly thinking negatively, leaving them out, rejecting them, or talking behind their back. This is sometimes only with strangers, but it can seep into any relationship.

For some people, it’s the closest friendships and romances that cause them to feel the most vulnerable and exposed. Some partners get frustrated they aren’t being trusted to be kind and understanding. But social anxiety isn’t usually a result of real rejection; it’s a perceived threat of eventual rejection.

Treating Social Anxiety

Because social anxiety is so individualized, and runs the spectrum from severely impairing to hidden but distressing, there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. The best course of action to soothe these difficult emotions is to get a deeper understanding of where and when they may have started, what triggers them, and possible tools to calm them.

Perhaps more than any other issue, social anxiety is helped by therapy, whether one-on-one or in a group setting. This is because so much of the condition is based in shame or the feeling one is basically lacking. Having the support of another person who can give objective feedback is invaluable. To learn to be vulnerable and real with one safe person, or a group who really gets it, is one of the best ways to attack social anxiety and replace it with what the anxious person so dearly needs: a realistic and secure sense of self.

Affirmations are positive statements that are often used to combat negative self-perceptions or enhance focus on personal goals. Affirmations also tend to foster the expectation of success. Often, affirmations address a specific concern or fundamental self-talk theme. As an example, someone struggling with weight concerns may have frequent, albeit self-defeating thoughts such as, “I am never going to be able to lose/gain weight” or “My body is my enemy.”

Self-critical, pessimistic statements can make it more difficult to stick with goals, especially during the expectable minor setbacks most people experience on the road to success. In essence, habitual negative self-statements can erode self-confidence and become self-fulfilling prophecies of failure.

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How Affirmations Can Be Employed in Daily Life

Affirmations can serve as an important tool for staying on track and staving off feelings of discouragement. To use the previous example, an affirmation to address anxiety or pessimism around weight concerns could be, “Each day, I am one step closer to achieving my healthiest weight.” If the negative self-talk is more generalized or self-critical, one might create an affirmation such as, “I partner with my body in keeping myself well.” An affirmation that is counter to negative feelings or beliefs related to exercise is, “It feels wonderful to eat well and move my body.”

Again, a productive affirmation is specifically related to a positive goal; the opposite of what the negative self-talk says; and helps one imagine a successful outcome.

Affirmations Present and Future

Although affirmations are commonly phrased in the present tense (to foster a feeling of these statements already being true), affirming statements can also be combined with guided or self-directed imagery to focus on future success. This technique is actually used in hypnosis and self-hypnosis, and is referred to as “future progression.” Future progression imagery involves creating the multisensory experience of being in that moment when one has already achieved a future goal, even though the actual imagery is happening within oneself, in the present moment.

How Affirmations Work

Although crafting affirmations can be straightforward, recent research has found affirmations effectively increase feelings of well-being and improve the likelihood of making good choices. As you’ve probably noticed, when under stress, most people are more vulnerable to self-doubt or feeling overwhelmed in general. Affirmations appear to work by reminding us of personal resources beyond what we notice when we are discouraged. Relatedly, affirmations seem to help us to reflect on our core values and draw upon the positive personal experiences we’ve had.

Affirmations and the Brain

Several different brain regions are thought to be involved in the benefits seen related to engaging in affirmations. For example, in previous studies, the ventral striatum and the ventral medial prefrontal cortex have been linked to assigning a positive value to something (such as achieving a goal) and viewing it as a reward. Increased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex and posterior cingulate cortex have been linked to focusing on one’s personal strengths. In addition, self-affirmations may work in part by engaging the anterior cingulate cortex and the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex to regulate emotions (staving off negative emotions, or remaining more objective) when faced with difficult situations.

In a recent study, researchers sought to shed light on the brain activity of 67 sedentary participants during a self-affirmation task. For this study, the participants first were asked to rank a list of eight values, such as creativity, relationships with loved ones, religious values, and so forth.

Although crafting affirmations can be straightforward, recent research has found affirmations effectively increase feelings of well-being and improve the likelihood of making good choices.

One week later, while undergoing functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), those in the affirmation condition were asked to reflect on their highest-ranked value. Those in the control condition were asked to reflect on the value they’d ranked lowest out of the eight. In each condition, participants were directed to recall a time in the past that was positively associated with the value they were focusing on (having fun with family and friends, for example), and then imagine a time in the future when they would also experience something positive related to that same value. In both affirmation and control groups, participants were also presented with past- and future-oriented statements related to everyday, emotionally neutral events such as charging a cell phone.

Participants in both groups were then exposed to health-related messages encouraging increased physical activity and decreased sedentary behavior. The team also looked at brain activity in regions linked to positive valuation and reward, self-related processing (such as positive self-worth), and emotion regulation.

The team found that those in the affirmation condition displayed significantly greater activity in the positive valuation and reward network (ventral striatum [VS] and ventral medial prefrontal cortex [VMPC]) when engaging in the affirmation as opposed to imagining the everyday scenario. The VS and VMPC are associated with expecting and receiving some type of reward. The reward can be something primary, such as food, or abstract, such as something personally meaningful. Increased activity in these areas was also associated with decreased sedentary behavior going forward. Furthermore, the team’s findings suggest affirmations may have an even stronger effect on brain-related activity, as this pertains to future decisions (as opposed to past events).

Although their study did not directly address this question, the researchers speculated, based on data from other studies, that affirmations that are prosocial and self-transcendent are more strongly linked to later positive behaviors than those affirmations that are primarily self-serving.

Another finding from this study was that future-oriented affirmations activated the medial prefrontal cortex and posterior cingulate cortex. These brain regions are associated with self-insight, reflecting on one’s preferences and motivations, and imagining personally relevant future as well as remembering past events. Increased activity in the MPFC specifically is associated with imagining positive, but not negative, future events.

To summarize, previous research has shown links between positive affirmations and increased activity in brain areas linked to positive self-worth, viewing an outcome as positive and rewarding, and the ability to regulate one’s emotions. In this most recent study, affirmations that were consistent with participants’ personal values and focused on imaging having positive experiences related to these values at a future time were linked to positive changes in behavior one month later.

How to Incorporate Affirmations Into Your Life

There are a number of easy, free-to-low-cost ways to use affirmations to help you make positive change. A quick internet search will reveal an abundance of audio programs featuring positive affirmations and imagery, but you can also make your own. Here are some suggestions:

1. Set aside some quiet time to engage in this exercise.
2. Write a list of some goals that you’d like to achieve. Make the list simple, specific, and concrete.
3. Pick one goal to start. You are probably more likely to stick with a goal that is consistent with your personal values rather than one someone else sets for you.
4. Note any negative thoughts you tend to have when you try to focus on your goal.
5. For each negative statement, write a positive statement that is the opposite of the negative self-talk. Make the statements short and to the point.
6. Even if the goal is for some time in the future, write the positive statements as if they are already true (e.g., “I enjoy moving my body and feeling healthy” or “Each day, I feel stronger, happier, and healthier.”).
7. Recall a specific time in your life when each statement rang true for you. Remember, it’s not about recalling a time when things were perfect.
8. For each affirmation, vividly envision the future goal as already being true. Imagine how your body feels, envision how your life or health will have changed, and how terrific it feels to have achieved something meaningful to you. Use as many of your senses as you can to engage in this imagery.
9. Repeat each individual affirmation, silently or out loud. Breathe.
10. Set aside a few minutes to meditate on your affirmations each day. You can even record yourself saying each positive statement, and play this back to yourself.

Reference:

Cascio, C. N., O’Donnell, M. B., Tinney, F. J., Lieberman, M. D., Taylor, S. E., Strecher, V. J., & Falk, E. B. (2016). Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 11(4), 621–629.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” —Marcus Aurelius

I wonder why, despite our best intentions, we sometimes stand in judgment of others. The reasons that follow do not justify the behavior, but I believe they do help explain it.

When we judge people harshly, we use others as a basis for comparison. We tell ourselves that our choices are pretty good given what other people are up to. We don’t use our own goals and intentions as our yardstick or benchmark. Instead, we let others determine how well we’re doing. We develop a false sense of superiority when we find fault with others. As long as others are not perfect (and no one is), then we can feel more easily justified in our own behaviors.

Judging others might be our way of finding our place among others. When we form opinions about what we aspire to and what we disdain, we determine where we think we “fit” now, and perhaps where we would like to be in the future.

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Judging others, ironically and as much as we might hate to admit it, can be an opportunity for us to rail against the things we like least within us. This is something we often fail to realize. Sometimes people hold up a mirror and we neglect to see our own reflections. We are bothered by qualities in others that we choose not to notice in ourselves.

Occasionally, judging can be a way for us to join with others. One person complains about something, then another person echoes that sentiment, and then another. Before you know it, a group has formed grounded in negativity. It sometimes takes root in humor, but is often at the expense of someone else.

How can we do better?

It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand.

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others.

Carefully consider whether the very behavior or characteristic you complain about in someone else is something you could be working on yourself. Is it possible you’re upset that you don’t possess MORE of the characteristics you are upset with? For example, do you find yourself criticizing someone who exemplifies confidence and strength because you deem them haughty or pompous? Is that because you actually wish YOU were more self-assured and assertive? If you find yourself judging someone else’s characteristics or ways of getting things done, ask yourself, is this something I could be developing in me?

Examine whether you are forming bonds based on denigrating others. If so, these bonds are founded in adversity and likely won’t last. Unfortunately, there is also the possibility judgment will next be turned toward you. Create connections based on positive, uplifting similarities in thinking, rather than initiating bonds based on taking someone else down in the process.

Use your judgment of others as a cue to check in with yourself and your thought processes.

Ask yourself: Am I feeling insecure about something? Am I uncertain about where I fit in or afraid of not belonging? Do I need to develop something in me?

Plug back into your individual goals and intentions and behave in line with them. When we focus on what we see as others’ shortcomings, we waste energy that could be better spent on improving our own.