“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.

[gt_toc title=”In this article”]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-it-is”]What gaslighting in relationships looks like[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#gaslight-effect”]The Gaslight Effect: how the dynamic deepens[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#effects”]What it does to the targeted partner[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-to-do”]What to do if you think you’re being gaslit[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#conventional-wisdom”]When conventional wisdom can hurt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#therapy”]How therapy must adapt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#progress”]Measuring progress differently[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#faq”]Frequently asked questions[/gt_toc_item]
[/gt_toc]

What gaslighting in relationships looks like

The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.

[gt_compare]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting is NOT” title=”Ordinary relational friction” color=”orange” points=”A partner remembering an argument differently|A clumsy apology|A one-off lie someone later owns”]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting IS” title=”A repeated pattern of manipulation” color=”green” points=”Repeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced|Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory|Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence”]
[/gt_compare]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Clinical definition”]
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
[/gt_callout]

The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time

Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:

[gt_steps]
[gt_step num=”01″ title=”Disbelief”]“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?”[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”02″ title=”Defense”]You start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood.[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”03″ title=”Depression”]You feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself.[/gt_step]
[/gt_steps]

People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.

Gaslighting might sound like…

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Denial”]
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Minimization”]
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”Deflection”]
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
[/gt_callout]

What gaslighting does to the targeted partner

Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:

[gt_card title=”Chronic self-doubt” color=”green”]
“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Difficulty making decisions” color=”orange”]
Even small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Anxiety, shame, and numbness” color=”green”]
A steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Social withdrawal” color=”orange”]
Explaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out.
[/gt_card]

What to do if you think you’re being gaslit

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants”]
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.

Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge”]
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.

Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
[/gt_callout]

When conventional wisdom can hurt

Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.

Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:

[gt_checklist title=”Assumptions standard advice makes”]
[gt_check]Both people can reflect on their behavior[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both can take responsibility when they’re wrong[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both genuinely want to understand one another[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Perception is grounded in shared facts and reality[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Why this matters”]
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
[/gt_callout]

How therapy must adapt

Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the person being gaslit” color=”green”]
The therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Couples therapy” color=”green”]
The therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the gaslighter” color=”orange”]
The most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all.
[/gt_card]

Progress is measured differently

In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.

[gt_checklist title=”What real progress looks like”]
[gt_check]The gaslighting partner stops denying the other person’s reality[/gt_check]
[gt_check]They show behavioral accountability: “I did that. It was wrong.”[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The targeted partner stops over-explaining and starts trusting their own perceptions again[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The relationship becomes safer and more respectful, consistently, not performatively[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”A final grounding point”]
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
[/gt_callout]

Frequently asked questions

[gt_faq title=””]
[gt_faq_item q=”What exactly is gaslighting in a relationship?”]
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which one partner repeatedly causes the other to question their perceptions, memories, and sense of reality. It differs from ordinary disagreements in two ways: the repetition and the deliberate goal of gaining power and control. The APA defines it as manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or experiences.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What are the signs I might be getting gaslit?”]
Common signs include constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused after conversations, apologizing frequently without knowing why, making excuses for your partner’s behavior, and feeling less confident than you used to be. You may notice you no longer trust your own memory of events, or that you feel anxious before difficult conversations even when you know you have done nothing wrong.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Is gaslighting considered emotional abuse?”]
Yes. Persistent gaslighting is widely recognized as a form of emotional abuse. It systematically erodes a person’s sense of reality, self-worth, and autonomy. Because it targets the victim’s capacity to trust their own judgment, it can be more insidious than forms of abuse that leave visible evidence.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Why do people stay in relationships where they’re being gaslit?”]
People stay for many reasons unrelated to weakness: love, shared history, financial dependence, fear of retaliation, children, or genuine hope that things will improve. The manipulation typically begins subtly and escalates slowly, making it hard to identify until someone is deeply invested. By the time the pattern becomes clear, accumulated self-doubt has often made it harder to act on what they know.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Can a gaslighter change through therapy?”]
Change is possible, but requires genuine willingness to acknowledge behavior and take accountability. In couples therapy, progress is most likely in milder cases where some willingness remains. In individual therapy, the gaslighter needs to develop real insight into the impact of their behavior, which is difficult without the therapist having broader relational context. Meaningful change requires sustained behavioral accountability, not just verbal acknowledgment.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What should I do first if I think I’m being gaslit?”]
Start by building your support network. Reach out to people who have your best interests at heart and will be honest with you; they offer the outside perspective the manipulation is designed to deny you. Keep a private journal documenting incidents with dates and details; this helps counter the self-doubt the manipulation creates. Individual therapy with a qualified therapist can also help you regain your footing.
[/gt_faq_item]
[/gt_faq]

[gt_takeaways title=”Key takeaways”]
[gt_take]Gaslighting in relationships is a pattern, not a single disagreement or misremembered event.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]It escalates in three stages: disbelief, defense, depression.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Conventional “talk it through” advice can make it worse; sometimes opting out is the healthy choice.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Therapy helps, but the clinician must recognize the dynamic and adapt their approach.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Progress is measured by accountability and restored self-trust, not just fewer fights.[/gt_take]
[/gt_takeaways]

[gt_cta style=”orange” title=”You don’t have to sort this out alone.” subtitle=”Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.” button_text=”Browse the GoodTherapy Directory” button_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html”]

[gt_author name=”Tomoko Iimura, LMFT” title=”Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist” location=”San Antonio, TX” photo=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/thumbs/250×250/dbimages/87189-tomoko-iimura.jpeg” profile_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/tomoko-iimura-marriage-family-therapist”]
Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here.
[/gt_author]

 

Many people experience self-doubt in relationships as a quiet, constant “checking” of other people-tone, facial expression and pauses before they even realize they’re doing it. What looks like being considerate is often the nervous system doing its job: trying to keep connection safe.

Relationships
Self-Trust
Inner Critic
Self-Doubt

In this article:

• Why self-doubt in relationships can become automatic
• How hyper-attunement shows up day-to-day
• The emotional cost (and why it’s not your fault)
• How therapy helps rebuild self-trust safely

Gentle Reminder:

These patterns are often learned protections. The goal isn’t to shame them away, it’s to understand them and choose what fits your life now.

Understanding Self-Doubt in Relationships as a Learned Pattern

Many people notice that they become highly alert to subtle changes in another person’s tone, expression, or behaviour before they consciously understand why. A pause that feels slightly different, a shift in energy, or a momentary silence can prompt a rapid internal adjustment. The individual may soften their voice, phrase things carefully, or begin planning how to respond before a conversation has even unfolded.

 

Although this may appear to be sensitivity or thoughtfulness, for many it reflects a learned pattern in which trusting their own perception once felt unsafe. This pattern does not typically develop without context. It is often rooted in environments where expressing emotion, preference, or uncertainty led to tension, withdrawal, or criticism.

 

Some people learned this in childhood within families that were unpredictable or demanding. Others developed these responses later in intimate relationships where their recollections were challenged, their instincts questioned, or their needs dismissed. (This can resemble gaslighting, which is designed to make someone doubt their perceptions.) In both cases, the nervous system adapts by prioritising external cues over internal ones.

 

Over time, this becomes automatic. It no longer feels like a response to a specific person but rather the default way of navigating relationships, especially when self-doubt in relationships has become familiar.

Want a plain-language definition for what your body is doing?
If you keep noticing yourself scanning for shifts in tone or tension, GoodTherapy’s Hypervigilance article can help you name the pattern without blaming yourself.

Why These Responses Develop

When an individual learns that honesty or spontaneity may provoke conflict, they often begin to monitor the emotional climate around them. This is not a conscious decision; it is an adaptive response. The nervous system becomes finely attuned to signs of potential threat, even when no immediate danger is present.

 

Small changes in another person’s behaviour can trigger internal shifts long before conscious thought has caught up. These responses can take different forms. Some individuals become highly accommodating, adjusting themselves to avoid perceived tension. Others become calm and controlled, holding themselves tightly to prevent escalation.

 

Some apologise quickly, even when they are unsure what they have done wrong. Others withdraw internally, presenting a composed exterior while experiencing significant internal vigilance. The outward behaviours may differ, but the mechanism is the same: relying on external feedback feels safer than relying on one’s own internal signals.

Click to Learn More: The “Self-Doubt in Relationships” Loop (a nervous system shortcut)
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1) Cue: a pause, tone shift, silence, or “off” energy

2) Interpretation: “I must have done something wrong”

3) Strategy: accommodate, over-explain, apologize, or go quiet

4) Result: short-term safety… long-term loss of self-trust

In other words, self-doubt in relationships often isn’t a “personality trait”, it’s the body trying to prevent rupture.

This strategy often makes sense at the time it develops. It can help maintain connection, reduce conflict, and create a sense of stability in environments where emotional unpredictability is common. However, it can become limiting when it remains in place long after the original conditions have changed.

A helpful reframe: If you’ve been living with self-doubt in relationships, you may not be “too sensitive.” You may be highly trained in reading people, sometimes at the cost of reading yourself.

How Hyper-Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life

Over the long term, these patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from themselves. They may find it difficult to identify their own preferences, not because they lack clarity, but because they learned to stop consulting themselves.

 

They may notice that they anticipate other people’s reactions quickly and accurately yet struggle to articulate what they want in their own relationships. This can also affect decision-making. A person may gather extensive external input before committing to a choice, not out of indecision but out of a learned belief that their own instincts cannot be trusted without verification, another way self-doubt in relationships keeps reinforcing itself.

Common signs (that are easy to miss)

• Replaying conversations and searching for what you “did wrong”
• Over-explaining simple choices (“just in case”)
• Needing reassurance even when you’re being reasonable
• Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
• Freezing or going blank during conflict

Hyper-Attunement vs Healthy Attunement

Both can look like “being sensitive.” The difference is whether self-doubt in relationships is running the show.

!Hyper-attunement (protective)

• Scanning for “what changed”
• Assuming blame to prevent conflict
• Over-explaining, apologizing quickly
• Feeling responsible for others’ moods

✓Healthy attunement (grounded)

• Noticing cues without panic
• Checking meaning with curiosity
• Staying connected to your own needs
• Using boundaries without shutdown

A gentle pivot you can try:
Replace “I did something wrong” with “I noticed a shift, what else could be true?”

It is common for individuals with these patterns to excel professionally, particularly in roles that benefit from high sensitivity and relational awareness, while privately feeling unsure or exhausted. Hyper-attunement can also influence how someone experiences conflict. A raised voice, a change in posture, or an unexpected silence can trigger strong internal responses that feel disproportionate to the situation.

If people-pleasing is part of your pattern:
You might relate to this overview of people-pleasing tendencies and how they can impact boundaries and burnout.

The Emotional and Relational Impact

The cumulative effect of these patterns can be significant. People often describe feeling depleted, as though they are holding up two sides of every interaction: their own internal world and the emotional world of the other person. This can create a sense of being “switched on” at all times, with little space left for rest or spontaneity.

Mini self-check: Is self-doubt in relationships running on autopilot?

IMPORTANT: This isn’t a diagnosis, just a way to notice patterns with compassion.

 

   Check any that feel familiar (even “sometimes” counts):

    I replay conversations to figure out what I “did wrong.”

    I apologize quickly when I sense tension, even if I’m not sure why.

    I feel responsible for someone else’s mood or disappointment.

     I over-explain to prevent misunderstanding or conflict.

     I second-guess my memory, perceptions, or instincts after a disagreement.

     I have trouble naming what I want until I know what others want.

What if I checked several?

It may mean your nervous system learned that staying tuned to others was the safest option. That’s a survival skill, not a character flaw.

A first step:
Practice a “two-truths” check: What am I sensing? and What else could be true?

Gentle note:
If this pattern is linked to manipulation or feeling emotionally unsafe, support can help. Reading about triggers can be a simple first step toward understanding why certain cues (tone, silence, facial expressions) hit so hard—before you try to “talk yourself out of it.”

 

There can also be grief associated with recognising the pattern. Once the individual begins to see how automatic their responses have become, they may feel sadness for the years spent accommodating others or for the parts of themselves that became quiet in order to feel safe.

 

This recognition can bring clarity, yet it can also feel disorienting. It is common for people to expect relief once they understand the pattern, only to discover that the early stages of change feel unsettled instead. Some individuals notice an “identity wobble” when they begin to shift these behaviours.

 

If they have always been the calm one, the accommodating one, or the person who anticipates others’ needs, it can feel unclear who they are without those roles. This can create discomfort even when the change is positive. The familiar pattern, while limiting, may feel more predictable than the alternative, especially when self-doubt in relationships has functioned as a form of stability.

A small practice to rebuild self-trust (without forcing yourself)

1. Pause: Notice the moment you start scanning for reassurance.

2. Name it: “This is self-doubt in relationships showing up.”

3. Locate it: Where do you feel it in your body (chest, throat, stomach)?

4. Choose one internal cue: “What do I believe happened?”

5. Try one micro-action: Ask a clarifying question instead of apologizing.

How Therapy Supports Change

Therapy provides a space in which these patterns can be explored without judgement or urgency. The goal is not to eliminate protective responses but to help individuals understand when they are occurring and whether they are still necessary.

 

As clients begin to notice their internal experiences with more understanding, they can experiment with expressing themselves more directly and observing the outcome. Over time, this helps the nervous system distinguish between past and present relational cues.

Exploring the roots of self-doubt:
Many people benefit from learning why they ignore their intuition in the first place. This article on overcoming self-doubt can be a supportive companion read between sessions.

For therapists, the work often involves pacing, containment, and helping clients identify internal resources that have become underused. Gentle exploration of bodily responses, emotional patterns, and relational expectations allows clients to build a more integrated sense of self. The therapeutic relationship offers a consistent, non-reactive environment in which new patterns can take root.

 

For individuals considering therapy, it is important to note that recognising these patterns is only the beginning. The process of change is gradual and often uncomfortable at first. However, with the right support, many people find that they begin to trust their own perspectives, express their needs more openly, and navigate relationships with greater confidence.

Grounding this in evidence-based understanding

When the body has been under chronic stress, it can stay activated longer than we want it to. That ongoing stress response can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, factors that make self-doubt in relationships easier to trigger (see Mayo Clinic’s overview of chronic stress).

 

Hyperarousal, feeling on edge, easily startled, “on guard”, is also a well-known trauma-related pattern (see NIMH’s PTSD information and MedlinePlus symptoms overview). And if your story includes sustained manipulation, the APA defines gaslighting as manipulation that leads someone to doubt their perceptions or understanding of events.

 

Trauma-informed therapy tends to emphasize safety, trustworthiness, and choice, principles outlined by SAMHSA’s trauma-informed guidance , so that change can happen without forcing or flooding.

Ready for support?
If self-doubt in relationships is affecting your day-to-day, you can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist by location, specialty, and approach.

If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this description, you may wish to explore this further with a trained therapist. If you’re considering working with me, a free 15-minute consultation through my GoodTherapy profile may be available to discuss whether this approach fits your circumstances.

Frequently Asked Questions

Quick, compassionate answers to common questions that come up when self-doubt in relationships feels automatic.

Q: Why do I experience self-doubt in relationships even when nothing is “wrong”?

A: Often, it’s a learned nervous-system response: your body got used to scanning for subtle cues because uncertainty once carried consequences (conflict, withdrawal, criticism). Even when your current relationship is safer, your system may still “check” first and trust itself second. The good news is this pattern can soften over time with awareness, practice, and supportive relationships.

Q: How do I know if I’m being hypervigilant or just “intuitive”?

A: Intuition often feels clear and calm. Hypervigilance tends to feel urgent, tight, and exhausting, like your mind must solve the room’s mood immediately. If your attention locks onto micro-shifts (tone, pauses, facial changes) and you feel compelled to fix or manage them, that’s a common hypervigilance pattern. GoodTherapy’s hypervigilance entry offers a plain-language overview.

Q: Can chronic invalidation make me second-guess my feelings and memories?

A: Yes. When your emotions are repeatedly minimized (“you’re overreacting,” “it wasn’t that bad,” “why are you so sensitive?”), your system may learn that your internal signals aren’t safe to trust, especially in close relationships. Over time, you may default to explaining yourself, doubting yourself, or needing external confirmation before you feel steady. This GoodTherapy article on invalidation can help you put language to what you’ve experienced.

Q: What can I do in the moment when self-doubt in relationships gets triggered?

A: Try a gentle three-step reset: (1) Pause and notice the body cue (tight chest, racing thoughts). (2) Name the pattern: “This is my self-doubt loop trying to keep me safe.” (3) Clarify instead of shrinking: “I noticed a shift, are we okay?” If this cycle is frequent or distressing, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust with pacing and support. You can find a therapist through GoodTherapy’s directory and look for someone who works trauma-informed.

About the Author

Jo-Anne Karlsson, MSc, GMBPsP, NBCC

Jo-Anne is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and Life Coach based in London (with telehealth available). She supports teens (15+) and adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, identity questions, and complex family dynamics, especially when relationships have felt confusing, demanding, or emotionally draining.

Her work integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting within a warm, direct, nonjudgmental space. Together, clients explore protective patterns, reduce shame and overthinking, and rebuild self-trust in a way that feels grounded and doable.

View Jo-Anne’s GoodTherapy profile ↗

 

by Allie Dainow, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), in Toronto, ON, Canada

“That Never Happened” — Experiencing Gaslighting

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone distorts reality, which has the intentional or unintentional effect of causing another person to doubt their own perceptions. It has become such a commonly used term that there are even songs about it. In the Chicks’ (formerly known as the Dixie Chicks) song titled “Gaslighter,” Natalie Maines sings about someone cheating on her and trying to convince her she was imagining it:

You just had to start a fire, had to start a fire
Couldn’t take yourself on a road a little higher
Had to burn it up, had to tear it down
Tried to say I’m crazy
Babe, we know I’m not crazy, that’s you
Gaslighting

The term first originated from the 1944 movie Gaslight (based on a play written in 1938), in which a husband tries to prevent his wife from realizing that he’s a criminal by altering her reality and trying to make her believe she is imagining what’s happening. The title itself specifically comes from a scene where he makes the gaslights in the attic flicker and, when she asks him why they’re flickering, he tells her that she’s hallucinating it.

Gaslighting is a very common behavior that is used in many different situations and relationships to gain power and control. It also occurs at a group level, often with women and other marginalized groups, whose experiences are frequently dismissed, seen as “crazy” and “too emotional,” and judged by double standards (Sweet, 2019).

Understanding Why People Gaslight

Healthy ways of dealing with negative behavior involve acknowledging it, reflecting on why it happened, and trying to learn from it. Gaslighting occurs when the person is aware, either consciously or unconsciously, that their behavior is inappropriate in some way, but they are unable to acknowledge this because they cannot handle the guilt and shame associated with it. It is very commonly used as a narcissistic defense, because narcissists attempt to compensate for a core of shame by presenting themselves to others (and often convincing themselves) that they are perfect. They cannot admit to negative behavior (even if it’s actually quite minor) because it’s too threatening to this image. Narcissists also become immune to this sense of shame by developing a sense of shamelessness, which allows them to engage in unethical and cruel behavior that others wouldn’t.

Strategies Used in Gaslighting

There are several common tactics that gaslighters use to manipulate others. They can have a preferred strategy that they use the majority of the time or cycle through several of them, especially if the first ones they use are not having the desired effect. These tactics include:

• Denial — Claiming that something that happened didn’t happen or that something that didn’t happen did.
• Distraction — Changing topics to something unrelated.
• Deflection —  Blaming the situation on someone other than themselves. There are several different ways they try to deflect, including:
  • Projection — Denying they behaved negatively and accusing someone else of the behavior they engaged in.
  • False equivalencies — Excusing their inappropriate behavior by comparing it to a minor mistake that the other person made and acting as though those actions are of the same severity, e.g., “Yes, I did that, but what you did was just as bad (or worse).”
  • Black and white standards —Emphasizing mistakes the other person made to make them believe they’re at fault. This is effective because the other person will almost always make some mistakes, since no one handles situations perfectly. This is different from false equivalencies because when using false equivalencies, the gaslighter will acknowledge mistakes on their part, but claim that other person’s were worse. With black and white standards, they will deny any wrongdoing on their part.
  • Bringing up past mistakes — Causing the other person to doubt themselves by bringing up previous incidents that are irrelevant to the current one where they did or remembered something incorrectly, e.g. “You know you have a problem remembering things.”
  • Claims of misinterpretations — Saying that they didn’t do anything wrong and the problem is that the other person misinterpreted or misunderstood what they said or did.
• Omitting context — Presenting the other person or their behavior as bad by neglecting to mention the context in which it occurred, which would make it understandable or reasonable.
• Overnormalizing — Insisting that their behavior is fine because “everyone” does it when in actuality most people would not behave this way.
• Comparing to extremes — Downplaying the severity of their actions and framing them as acceptable or even good by bringing up examples of worse behavior that they didn’t do e.g. “What I did wasn’t that bad.”
• Invalidation — Minimizing and trivializing your feelings and the effect that an experience had on someone else, e.g., “You’re oversensitive,” “This isn’t a big deal,” “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• Non-apologies — Giving apologies that deny any responsibility and put the blame back on someone else, e.g., “I’m sorry you felt that way,” “I’m sorry that you saw it that way.”
• Guilting/shaming — Making it seem as though the other person is doing something wrong or is a bad person for standing up against mistreatment, e.g., “You’re making me feel bad by bringing this up,” “You’re so negative.”

The Experience of Being Gaslit

Gaslighting can feel very disorienting, almost like having whiplash. It often causes us to leave a situation completely confused, wondering what just happened or thinking that something was wrong, but not being able to pinpoint what it was. It can lead to intense rumination where you go back and analyze every detail of a situation to ensure that you’re not imagining it. It’s exhausting to do this and it’s scary to feel like you can’t trust your own perceptions. Once you start to uncover what really happened, it can be extremely upsetting, disturbing, and infuriating. Gaslighting, especially when experienced repeatedly, can cause adverse psychological effects, including chronic self-doubt, shame, isolation, depression, anxiety, impaired relationships, trauma, and physical symptoms related to stress (Christensen & Evans-Murray, 2021, Pietrangelo, 2019).

Responding to Gaslighting

Trying to have a conversation with someone who’s gaslighting you is incredibly difficult and draining. Here are some strategies for how to communicate with them:

• Redirection — If they’re trying to distract you by changing the topic, keep redirecting the conversation back to the situation at hand.
• “I” statements — This is an assertiveness skill where you communicate how their behavior affected you and set a boundary (“I felt ______ when you did ______ so I would like it if you did/didn’t ______”). This is meant to be a non-blaming way of communicating that focuses on your experiences, which can reduce denial and defensiveness from the other person.
• The broken record technique — This is also an assertiveness skill where you can repeat what you’re saying if you think the other person is not hearing you (Larsen & Jordan, 2017). In this case, if the gaslighter is claiming you’re wrong about the facts, you can repeat and assert the facts.
• Collaboration — Try to find common ground by talking to the other person about the shared goal or values you have and how you can go about achieving them. This can shift the conversation’s tone to cooperation, rather than antagonism.
• Walking away — Talking to someone who’s gaslighting can be like talking to a brick wall. No matter what you say or how much evidence you provide, nothing gets through to them, and sometimes it’s just not worth it to keep trying. You can let the person know that you don’t think this conversation is productive and you’re not going to continue it.

Recovering from Gaslighting

It is important to give yourself time to identify that you were gaslit and process what happened. You can use mindfulness strategies to detach from your thoughts and reduce the urge to ruminate about it until you’re ready to reflect on it or if the distress from this is interfering with other aspects of your life. These might include meditation or thought diffusion techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, such as saying to yourself “I’m having the thought that…” before a distressing thought in order to distance yourself from it (Harris, 2006).

In order to process the feelings that arise from being gaslit, we need to identify and validate them. We often invalidate ourselves and say that we shouldn’t feel a certain way or that our reactions don’t make sense, but when we try to understand why we might have reacted that way, we realize it makes sense and stop criticizing ourselves. In the case of gaslighting, it is an extremely unpleasant experience, and it makes sense that you would experience negative emotions in reaction to it. It’s very helpful to practice self-compassion, which involves noticing these difficult thoughts and feelings and being kind to yourself about them. Many people describe self-compassion by saying it’s like speaking to yourself the way you would to a good friend.

Sometimes knowing that you were gaslit can stop you from criticizing yourself, but other times this just makes us feel bad and blame ourselves for being manipulated. Unfortunately, gaslighting is a very common behavior because it’s effective. The very nature of gaslighting makes it so difficult to identify what’s happening because it disorients you and makes you even wonder if you’re being paranoid for questioning the gaslighting behavior. Many of us also want to give others the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps we did misremember or misinterpret their behavior because it can be so difficult to accept that not only did the initial hurtful behavior happen, but that the gaslighting did as well. It’s important to be self-compassionate about the pain you have experienced from both. Try to remember that the problem isn’t you, it’s the person who did the gaslighting.

References

Christensen, M., & Evans‐Murray, A. (2021, May). Gaslighting in nursing academia: A new or established covert form of bullying? In Nursing Forum.

Harris, R. (2006). Embracing your demons: An overview of acceptance and commitment therapy. Psychotherapy in Australia, 12(4).

Larsen, K. L., & Jordan, S. S. (2017). Assertiveness training. Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences, 1-4.

Pietrangelo, A. (2019, March 29). What are the short and long-term effects of emotional abuse? Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/effects-of-emotional-abuse

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.

Social media enable everyone to build, create, and curate their own brand. Others interact with this personal brand, refining and changing it. This dynamic process can create a social media image that feels divorced from the person behind the profile.

Most social media profiles present a person’s life through rose-colored glasses, depicting only the best and most likable aspects of a person. A single “candid” image might have required hours of preparation and hundreds of photographic outtakes. The unfavorable or imperfect images all go unseen.

For some individuals, social media use can contribute to impostor syndrome. These individuals may have trouble acknowledging their accomplishments. They may feel as if their true selves don’t live up to their reputations and feel severe self-doubt as a result. An estimated 70% of people will feel impostor syndrome during their lifetime.

Recognizing Impostor Syndrome

In the 1970s, researchers first identified the phenomenon among high-achieving women who felt like frauds. Since then, researchers have identified impostor phenomenon among many groups, including white men. Yet marginalized groups—women, genderqueer individuals, racial/ethnic minorities, people with disabilities, etc.—may be more vulnerable to impostor syndrome.

Historically marginalized communities see fewer examples of successful people who look like them. Oppression, discrimination, and microaggressions may help activate feelings of self-doubt. A 2017 study linked impostor syndrome among racial and ethnic minority students to increased depression and anxiety.

People with impostor syndrome may worry that they have fooled everyone into overestimating their talent, intelligence, popularity, etc. They often believe their success is merely illusory, a product of luck instead of merit. Other common characteristics of impostor syndrome include:

• Being unable to claim credit for one’s own achievements. For example, a woman receiving an award at work might downplay her contributions and highlight the accomplishments of her team.
• Fearing judgment for perceived failures or shortcomings. They may fear being “found out.”
• Not feeling a sense of belonging. This is especially prevalent among minorities in competitive workplaces, political organizations, and other groups whose membership provides social status.

Impostor syndrome can sometimes be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When people are unable to claim credit for their achievements, others may be less likely to notice those achievements. This can slow career progress, reducing rewards and encouragement which could convince a person that they deserve their success.

How Social Media Can Amplify Impostor Syndrome

Social media platforms allow a person to display the things they most want others to see. Some social media users are better at this than others, creating a compelling personal brand that creates the illusion of a perfect and highly successful life. The ready availability of social media profiles makes it easy to compare oneself to dozens of other people in just a few minutes. A person can even search for people with similar backgrounds, in similar jobs, or of the same age.

The viewer can’t compare to this flawless image. This can lead to insecurity and impostor syndrome, especially when a person compares themselves to people at work, school, or those in the same profession.

Social media users may be able to push back against impostor syndrome by viewing social media as a curated, deliberate branding effort—not an honest and complete presentation of a person’s life.It’s easy for even mundane aspects of daily life to become a source of comparison online. Self-care, for example, is vital for well-being. It can also be a way to signal how much leisure time, support, and money a person has. A struggling college student who sees photos of their peer at an expensive spa may feel hopeless about their own prospects for self-care.

Parenting, pet ownership, gift-giving, time management, and even cleaning can likewise trigger social media comparisons. So while a person who felt like an impostor at work might previously have comforted themselves with reassurances about their other skills, social media make it possible to feel inadequate across numerous domains.

Over time, this constant comparison can lead to impostor syndrome and other mental health issues. A person viewing an apparently flawless life may wonder, “Why can’t I do that?” The reality is that the person who appears to be living a flawless life probably doesn’t lead the life they present on social media.

A 2017 study found people who spent 121 minutes or more per day on social media were more likely to report feelings of isolation and identify with statements such as “I feel like people barely know me.” Other studies also support a link between heavy social media use and worsening mental health. For instance, a 2015 study of adolescents found that those who used social media for more than two hours per day were more likely to report poor mental health.

Social Media Literacy

Social media can undermine our sense of what is normal. For example, after days of scrolling through perfectly organized homes, people with flawless skin and hair, or employees who never make mistakes at work, a social media consumer may begin to view these experiences as the norm. This can be deeply unsettling, especially for those who are already vulnerable to impostor syndrome. A person may also view their own social media image as fraudulent while taking another person’s image at face value.

Social media users may be able to push back against impostor syndrome by viewing social media as a curated, deliberate branding effort—not an honest and complete presentation of a person’s life. Social media accounts act like personal advertisements, highlighting the good and framing a person’s life in only the most positive terms.

How to Deal with Impostor Syndrome

A handful of strategies may help counteract impostor syndrome. These include:

• Consuming representative and diverse media. When minorities see people who look like them in successful roles, they may be less likely to feel like frauds.
• Employ cognitive strategies. Remind yourself that many successful people feel like impostors. People often present a much more confident, “together” image than they internally feel.
• Limit social media usage if it consistently hurts your self-esteem.
• Find a mentor who has similar experiences to your own.
• Build a diverse support system.
• Remind yourself of recent accomplishments. Keeping a file of compliments or awards may help. Remember that achievements may also be more subtle, such as training a subordinate to succeed in their role or improving morale at the office.

Therapy can help with impostor syndrome and the painful emotions it triggers. A therapist can also help an individual prevent impostor syndrome from hindering their success. In therapy, a person may learn cognitive-behavioral strategies for correcting self-defeating thoughts. They might explore how their history—familial, cultural, and social—influences their self-concept. Or they might practice strategies for becoming more assertive and taking credit for their achievements.

A licensed counselor can help you manage impostor syndrome and prevent social media from destroying self-esteem. You can find a counselor here.

References:

1. Bothello, J., & Roulet, T. J. (2018, April 28). The imposter syndrome, or the mis-representation of self in academic life. Journal of Management Studies, 56(4), 854-861. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/joms.12344
2. Brooks, R. (2017, April 24). Study: Impostor syndrome causes mental distress in minority students. USA Today. Retrieved from https://www.usatoday.com/story/college/2017/04/24/study-impostor-syndrome-causes-mental-distress-in-minority-students/37430839
3. Cokley, K., Smith, L., Bernard, D., Hurst, A., Jackson, S., Stone, S., . . . Roberts, D. (2017). Impostor feelings as a moderator and mediator of the relationship between perceived discrimination and mental health among racial/ethnic minority college students. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(2), 141-154. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-09930-002
4. Imposter syndrome? 8 tactics to combat the anxiety. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.americanbar.org/news/abanews/publications/youraba/2018/october-2018/tell-yourself-_yet–and-other-tips-for-overcoming-impostor-syndr
5. Sakulku, J. (2011). The impostor phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6(1), 75-97. Retrieved from https://www.tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/521
6. Weir, K. (2013). Feel like a fraud? gradPSYCH Magazine, 11(1), 24. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud

Self-esteem has been a pop psychology topic for decades. People often focus on it in therapy. We often speak about it with flowery and shallow language, though there is a plethora of research about the topic. Self-esteem is influenced by evolution, childhood, rejection, social group stability, and, most importantly, beliefs.

Stick with me.

I’m going to make all this neuro-psychobabble palatable.

What Are Beliefs?

Our beliefs about ourselves are formed through recurring experiences with the world. Those beliefs have an enormous influence on how our personality develops. They dictate when we feel safe, what we think is funny, who we’re attracted to, and virtually every other part of our experience. Due to how our beliefs are stored in the brain, though, they’re not intellectual and logical. They’re emotional and difficult to analyze, but they paint our reality.

Belief Perseverance

One of psychology’s more reliable phenomena is human beings’ tendency to make use of invalidated information. When we learn information about others or ourselves, it’s difficult to unlearn it. This is why you can’t shake the belief you’re bad at math, because your second-grade teacher told you so.

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How Children Develop Beliefs

Our brains develop the ability to understand other people’s perspectives (both visually and mentally) at around 2-3 years old. This is when the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) begins to develop. The mPFC plays a fundamental role in self-reflection, person perception, and theory of mind (ToM.) Thus, the mPFC serves as a key region in understanding self and others. This is when a child might begin to take interest in the wiggles, but doesn’t understand that every guest who walks into the house doesn’t share the interest.

At around age 4-5, children begin to understand that two people in different places see different things or see things in different ways (both visually and mentally). At this age, your child will realize that the wiggles aren’t everyone’s cup of tea (whew!).

The mPFC is activated when a person is asked to make context-independent judgments about themselves. An example of this is the statement, “I am smart.” This statement doesn’t depend on your grades or how many books you’ve read. This is just a statement of your positive feelings about your intellect.

Our ability to make positive judgments about ourselves is rooted in our childhood. In neuro-imaging studies conducted with adolescents, mPFC activation decreases with age. By adolescence, context-independent judgments are fairly solidified. Therefore, when criticism is normalized in childhood, a person may tend to perceive others as highly critical.

How Much Do Our Beliefs About Others Impact Our Lives?

How we process social rejection is largely decided by our perceptions of others. Our beliefs about the intentions of others ultimately determines how we will behave in various situations.

A study published earlier this month explains how we decide whether to cooperate, based on our beliefs about the intentions of other people. If you believe others are generally open and pleasant, you are likely to decide that being a part of a team is the most beneficial decision. If you believe people are generally critical, you are likely to do the opposite.

Watch Your Attitude

One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others. When a parent models gossip about others as normal communication, a child may easily generalize that people are critical.

One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others.

On the other hand, parents who focus on providing a warm and positive relationship with their child are shown to increase self-worth in their children during adolescence and adulthood. When people believe that the world is a generally loving place, they are less likely to experience mistrust and neurosis. Brené Brown suggests “(…) we need to be the adults we want our children to be. We should watch our own gossiping and anger. We should model the kindness we want to see.”

A parent who consistently gossips around their child and is critical of others, even if they are not critical of the child directly, provides a recurring negative and socially unsafe experience of the world. This can cause a feeling of disconnection with the parent.

Negative Memories and the Brain

Our brains hold tightly to memories connected with negative emotions and experiences, especially those where we feel unsafe, criticized, or rejected. The memories are categorized by the brain as critical in preparing for future potential crises.

In fact, with even the smallest of events, negative experience or rejection is remembered three times more powerfully than positive experience. Research shows that, on average, the brain requires five positive experiences to convince itself that the one bad experience was a fluke.

Why Acceptance and Rejection Matter

Social rejection and disconnection is devastating to humans. From an evolutionary standpoint, the more primal part of our brain understands that an isolated human is not suited to survive. Our ancestors depended on the acceptance of a group to live and procreate. Without a stable group of people to belong to, rejection can cause major negative neural, biological, emotional, and behavioral responses.

When a person experiences rejection or disconnection, the following things occur:

• The heart slows down.
• Hormone levels shift—progesterone (the connection hormone) decreases and cortisol (the stress hormone) increases.
• The brain regions associated with communicating pain are activated.

These changes result in aggression and discomfort. Studies have shown, though, that a rejected person who is offered even a small bit of acceptance from a stranger will significantly reduce their aggression and their physiological symptoms will decrease drastically.

Tips for Developing Self-Esteem

There’s an extensive knowledge base when it comes to self-esteem! Here are some pointers for developing it.

For yourself:

• Identify the relationships where you feel most accepted. Put time and energy into those relationships and enjoy the connection that comes from belonging.
• Share the scary, vulnerable stuff with trustworthy loved ones. Exposing your less pristine self, and having someone tell you that they understand and relate, relieves self-doubt and isolation.
• If you’re feeling rejected and doubting yourself, pop a Tylenol. The part of your brain that processes social rejection is the same part that processes physical pain. During two studies, researchers found overwhelming evidence that taking Tylenol (as opposed to a placebo) drastically reduced neural activation in the brain’s pain centers and relieved emotional discomfort.
• Take an eight-week course in mindfulness. Mindfulness has been shown to increase cortical thickness, activate the PFC, and improve neuroplasticity, which all support positive changes in context-independent self-judgments.

As a parent:

• Provide a safe environment that encourages kindness and connection.
• Be vulnerable with your child, connect to their difficult experiences, and give them a place to belong. This will reduce the need to belong to an unstable peer group and cow down to the whims of bullies.

References:

1. Amodio, D. M., & Frith, C. D. (2006). Meeting of minds: The medial frontal cortex and social cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 7, 268-277.
2. Castro Santa, J., Exadaktylos, F., & Soto-Faraco, S. (2018). Beliefs about others’ intentions determine whether cooperation is the faster choice. Scientific Reports, 8, 7509.
3. DeWall, C. N., & Bushman, B. J. (2011, August 8). Social acceptance and rejection: The sweet and the bitter. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(4), 256-260.
4. DeWall, C. N., MacDonald, G., Webster, G. D., Masten, C., Baumeister, R. F., & Powell, C. (2010). Acetaminophen reduces social pain: Behavioral and neural evidence. Psychological Science, 21, 931-937.
5. DeWall, C. N., Twenge, J. M., Bushman, B. J., Im, C., & Williams, K. D. (2010). Acceptance by one differs from acceptance by none: Applying social impact theory to the rejection-aggression link. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1, 168-174.
6. Dickerson, S. S., & Kemeny, M. E. (2004). Acute stressors and cortisol responses: A theoretical integration and synthesis of laboratory research. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 355-391.
7. Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290-292.
8. Frith, C. D., & Frith, U. (2006). The neural basis of mentalizing. Neuron, 50, 531-534.
9. Gilbert, C. D., & Sigman, M. (2007, June 7). Brain states: Top-down influences in sensory processing. Neuron, 54(5), 677-96.
10. Grossmann, T. (2013). The role of medial prefrontal cortex in early social cognition. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 340.
11. Guenther, C., & Alicke, M. D. (2008). Self-enhancement and belief perseverance. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 706-712.
12. Gunther Moor, B., Crone, E. A., & van der Molen, M. W. (2010). The heartbrake of social rejection: Heart rate deceleration in response to unexpected peer rejection. Psychological Science, 21, 1326–1333.
13. Johnson, M. H., Grossmann, T., & Cohen Kadosh, K. (2009). Mapping functional brain development: Building a social brain through interactive specialization. Developmental Psychology, 45, 151-159.
14. Kogan, J. (2012, October). Brené Brown: Be the adult you want your children to be. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/brene-brown-be-the-adult-you-want-your-children-to-be/2012/10/04/b5bdbd9c-0ca6-11e2-a310-2363842b7057_blog.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.efd5625936d1
15. Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., & Fischl, B. (2005). Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. Neuroreport,16(17), 1893-1897.
16. Maner, J. K., Miller, S. L., Schmidt, N. B., & Eckel L. A. (2010). The endocrinology of exclusion: Rejection elicits motivationally tuned changes in progesterone. Psychological Science, 21, 581-588.
17. Martial, C., Stawarczyk, D., & D’Argembeau, A. (2018). Neural correlates of context-independent and context-dependent self-knowledge. Brain and Cognition, 125, 23-31.
18. McAdams, T. A., Rijsdijk, F. V., Narusyte, J., Ganiban, J. M., Reiss, D., Spotts, E., … Eley, T. C. (2017). Associations between the parent-child relationship and adolescent self‐worth: A genetically informed study of twin parents and their adolescent children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 58(1), 46-54.
19. Sathyanarayana Rao, T. S., Asha, M. R., Jagannatha Rao, K. S., & Vasudevaraju, P. (2009). The biochemistry of belief. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 51(4), 239-241.
20. Schurz, M., Aichhorn, M., Martin, A., & Perner, J. (2013). Common brain areas engaged in false belief reasoning and visual perspective taking: A meta-analysis of functional brain imaging studies. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 712.
21. Tugend, A. (2012, March 23). Praise is fleeting, but brickbats we recall. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html
22. We remember bad items better than good. (2007, August 28). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/08/070828110711.htm

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I left my job about two months ago, run-down and on the brink of something drastic because of how miserable I was. It was an extremely high-stress job in finance, and I was very good at it despite the long hours and the lack of creativity it took to do the job. Quitting it was a huge risk—I had savings, but no real prospects on the other side. I just wanted some peace after a decade of work that was at once mind-numbing and incredibly taxing.

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Since I left I’ve been making ends meet with some odd jobs, but after two months the thought is starting to creep in that I made a huge mistake. Life hasn’t been as fulfilling as I dreamed it would be, and though I have time and freedom now to explore hobbies I’ve wanted to take up and complete some lingering house projects, I seem to be … still stuck, somehow.

Maybe I had too many expectations for quitting? Did I build it up too much in my head? The company I just left has an opening, and part of me wants to return. My best friends are there, but I dread every other aspect of being employed there again. At the time, I thought quitting was the best decision I ever made and I vowed never to go back. Should I listen to my nagging regrets? Try harder to make a new life for myself? Or opt for stability and doing what I know? —Wealth or Worry

Dear WOW,

Thank you for your letter. As is so often the case (sayeth the psychotherapist), it raises more questions than answers. But first, let me make an observation or two.

We are often confused by the question of, “Is it the external circumstances that are the problem here, or is it me?” Typically, it is both. In fact, part of the problem can be seeing it as strictly either/or. Some of us grew up in misattuned environments, for instance, where we were always the problem. Some people in therapy also struggle because “they”/“him”/“her” is at fault.

There are always exceptions, but most of the time an external situation—especially a stressful one—is a catalyst for some psychological or emotional conflict we are sorting through. We cannot avoid seeing everything through our own “glasses” or filters. And everyone has ongoing, unsorted conflicts; there is no normal in this regard, as each person’s psychic conflict is highly individualized.

It sounds here as if the job was undoubtedly stressful, and no one can fault you for being a “quitter” since you hung in for a decade! One of our most basic needs is precisely what you stated—peace. I can confirm that the financial industry is anything but peaceful, what with the advent of ever-faster technological tools which seem to increase impatience from management and demand on workers. It is inherently a nerve-wracking business since it involves money, which touches on widespread fears and needs for security, leading to ongoing, socio-cultural anxiety and neurosis.

So the pressure was on, and from the sound of it, you prospered. That is no small feat. Clearly, you have marketable skills and can perform under pressure, to your credit, with a solid résumé that speaks to a decade of experience in a stressful environment.

Yet, in spite of your palpable relief at leaving, something lingers: self-doubt, a creeping sense of “what if I goofed?” This, to me, is probably the most emotionally significant part of your story.

Stability is, at least in part, an inside job. I have worked with quite a few wealthy individuals in therapy who were terribly unhappy. (I am not saying being able to pay bills and rent is insignificant.) In this case, though, it sounds like you have sufficient funds for now and can “make ends meet.” So rather than focus on the externals (the job opening, the company) or looking in the rearview mirror (“did I screw up by quitting?”), I would suggest you take time for sustained, empathic self-reflection.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist, career counselor, or another professional who has experience helping folks with precisely these concerns? Something new awaits—something good, I am sensing—but it’s hard to know which door to open, or where the door can even be found. This, in turn, stokes fear.

I strongly sense there is also a sense of conflict within yourself that wants security and certainty and peace or serenity, a sense of wholeness within the kind of work that truly, in the long run, is right for you. This is a tricky balance, one that requires more work and exploring on your part, but I am sure it is possible. You might not find perfection, but I am certain you can get inside the ballpark.

Renowned psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott would call this yearning for peace as coming from your “true self,” while mythologist and Jungian author Joseph Campbell might call this process the beginning of your “hero’s journey,” or journey to authentic selfhood.

Campbell stated that the hero most often refused the “call to adventure” at first, deciding to take that journey only when backed into a corner. Carl Jung himself felt it is only when cornered, or up against a wall, that our conscious mind surrenders to deeper, creative forces seeking actualization, carrying us forward like the currents of a river.

Or, as an old Zen parable puts it, we are the train on the tracks, but we cannot be the tracks.

I sense, in other words, that you need to give the quieter “other side”—which wants peace or something different, which nagged you to quit the job—a little space and patience to speak up. (Journaling can help in this regard, or talking to a professional or a trusted friend.) There is always existential anxiety at giving up a path of certainty—the financial job, where you know you can succeed and make a good living—for the blank canvas of what next. But that is precisely the adventure! In a way, we need that anxiety to keep our search in motion. And it is trial and error; don’t give up if the answer doesn’t appear right away. It will, though answers come in bits and pieces. Dramatic “aha!” moments are, for the most part, best left for movies and television.

I’m guessing your courageous decision, which was a bold and necessary step to protect your sanity and serenity, has provoked deep-rooted voices—parental, perhaps?—that are saying things like, “Are you crazy? That job paid $_____ a year! Now what are you going to do? Watch daytime TV?”

That is the voice of fear. Fear tends to lead to black-and-white perception, where you are either secure or screwed.

But you have marketable skills, as I say. From a more neutral vantage point, I would guess you have options. By calming your fear and finding outlets for existential self-soothing, you might start to see that you could, for instance, work part-time for a company or even for yourself. And you are making ends meet, which might be good enough for now until you find something that resonates.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential.

Have you considered working for yourself? Many folks are overwhelmed and confused by money matters (my hand is raised); could you do some independent advising or work for a smaller or less daunting firm, even part-time? Sometimes companies hire people for short-term projects, via a recruiter for instance. During that time, you could explore other options: volunteering, taking informational interviews, and so forth.

Corny as it sounds, this is a prime opportunity for you to stretch your wings. Daydream a little. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try, or even go back to school to study? Is this the time to go to grad school in the evening for your philosophy degree or take a creative writing or guitar class? There is more to life than work, and we are not defined by work alone; for many, it is the least defining point of identity.

Try browsing online job sites, A to Z, and see if anything jumps out at you, something you never even thought of. Maybe you yearn to do some socially or environmentally conscious work (as a random example); could you end up as an investment adviser for a nonprofit? Could you do some combination of corporate and nonprofit work? Do you want to chuck finance altogether and teach English in Asia or Europe, or find a finance job in an international firm and live abroad?

It is possible you could write your own job description and follow it up with persistent footwork to make it happen. It sounds like you have a rare combination of gifts: a financial talent along with integrity and a need for something more personally fulfilling. You have a soul, and it is speaking to you. The soul—or the unconscious, or true self—does not always speak in digestible sound bites, which means we need to find ways to listen deeply to that quiet inner voice which is telling us something vital.

I have worked with people in your situation, and they have prevailed by not giving up. One was an attorney at a movie studio, and he was miserable. He was on-call 24/7, and despite working on prestigious projects, he felt depleted and beat up, with no time or energy to find a partner or start a family. Eventually he decided to get training in estate law, and now runs a quiet little business with a partner, with weekdays that end at 5 p.m.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential. I would just remind you that you have options, per the above.

It’s natural to experience awkwardness after a decade of living a certain way and then stopping. You are carving out a new way of living, day by day. Give yourself credit for doing something brave. You can always go back—to your previous job, or others like it—though I can’t help but conclude that, on a soulful level, you truly don’t want to. So, keep the search going and I am sure the answers will come.

Thanks again for writing!

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

“Why didn’t I just listen to myself—I knew what I needed to do all along and I ignored it!”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Trusting our gut is tricky business, and the self-criticism that occurs after we choose to ignore what feels right adds an extra layer of disappointment to the mix.

I’m in the business of believing every person knows deep down what they need. Contrary to common belief, it is not my job as a therapist to give advice or tell a person what is right for them. It’s to guide the process of uncovering authenticity and self-trust—trust that may be buried within a person after years of second-guessing, self-doubt, and self-sacrifice.

So why do we turn away from our intuition when an inner voice is whisper-screaming for us to follow our gut reactions?

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• We don’t want to be “wrong.” Close your eyes for a moment and think of everyone in your life, past and present, including yourself. Who has been your harshest critic? For most of us, this is typically ourselves. Part of the lifelong work of learning to trust your intuition is to stop judging yourself so harshly when you make mistakes: those things that help us learn, grow, and challenge us to look at the bigger picture. Let yourself be “wrong” sometimes! Embracing your inner voice must be accompanied by a release of perfectionism and criticism for missteps. Those missteps are a part of the journey, and intuition is what ultimately allows us to regain our footing on the path.
• We don’t want the onus to fall solely on us. Making group decisions or trusting the judgment of others rather than our own comes with the benefit of not having to carry that pesky burden of potentially being “wrong.” It often feels nicer to have someone else to blame, which allow us to stay stuck in a victim role and shake off responsibility for our own choices. But while blaming others might feel soothing in the short-term, staying stuck in victim role keeps us wading in a river of indecision, confusion, and inability to trust. It can feel scary to recognize that at the end of the day, each decision we make rests fully on our shoulders, but it is also an empowering tool that allows us to fully live our lives—on no one’s terms but our own.
• We believe there is only one correct choice. Releasing the binaries of “black and white,” “good and bad,” and “right and wrong” is an essential step toward trusting our intuition. If we believe there is only one choice that will get us to where we need to go and we’re not certain what that is, of course we will be afraid to listen to our intuition! These binaries and dogmatisms make life feel absolute. In reality, life’s circuitous path is anything but. Having faith that at any given moment we are where we are meant to be, and that every choice we make is the “right” choice for our current circumstances, allows us to move freely, follow intuition, and most importantly, trust.

Trusting intuition takes daily practice, and no choice is too small to start with.

Trusting intuition takes daily practice, and no choice is too small to start with. If your gut tells you to walk down a side street on your way home, listen to it. If you get a strange sense you’d connect deeply with a new acquaintance but have only met once, don’t leave without getting their contact information. We dismiss our gut reactions as silly or “nothing” many times throughout each day, but these small moments can be practice for bigger life choices that are informed by intuition: where to live, who to marry, or when to embark on a fresh start.

Today is the perfect day to begin releasing self-blame, owning each decision, and tossing out those “rights and wrongs” in order to start uncovering that wonderful voice that’s the only one worth listening to: your own.

In August of 2014, in the middle of the night, a phone call came: My son was unresponsive and was being transferred to the hospital. I remember the 30-minute drive to the hospital, trying to get to my son, took forever. I knew nothing but what his friend had hysterically tried to explain over the phone.

When I arrived at the hospital, and they took me to his room, he seemed so small, surrounded by a machine and tubes. The doctors were unsure whether he would make it. At that point, he was only alive because the machine was breathing for him. They didn’t know how much he had taken, only that it was some combination of a deadly mix. His friend repeated over and over, “He was trying to stop the voices. I tried to stop him.”

Thankfully he made it through. After three days in the hospital, he was sent to a “stabilization unit” to receive treatment. Three days later, they released him to his father to took him back to Seattle to get the help he needed. But that help never came. Instead he stayed in a small apartment with his stepmom, smoking weed and snorting coke with shots of vodka. After two weeks, she put him on a plane back home because she didn’t want to be bothered.

I immediately made an appointment with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed him with bipolar 1 disorder and social anxiety. He told the doctor he heard voices and used drugs to quiet them. I asked if the doctor thought this could be addiction as well but was told no.

I struggled to keep him on his medications and encouraged him to find gainful employment in order to be able to care for himself, but he said he felt “better” and stopped taking the meds. After two more inpatient stays that lasted 2-3 days, he was released with a new group of medications that were very expensive. My struggle to keep him on these meds never stopped.

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One night I heard a noise and instinctively went into his room, where I found him hanging in his closet by a belt. I cut him down to find he was still breathing. I had got to him in time, but he was combative. I had to hold him down until help arrived. This led to another inpatient stay, one that lasted 11 days. There was no follow-up care provided, though he was prescribed several more medications that would continue to empty my checking account.

Life Changes

My relationship with my mate ended abruptly because they thought I should do things differently. But frankly, I knew nothing of what I should do. I had no clue of how to fix this situation or keep it from compromising my life. I went on, because I had to, but my lonely path became even lonelier. I was afraid to leave my house other than to go to work. I was afraid to pursue a relationship. I had deemed life with myself as a solo player to be my only option because I had no idea what to do. All I wanted to do was save my son.

Over the next two years, my son would make numerous visits to stabilization units. These always resulted in the same outcome: a month or so of him being stable, then he would go off his medications. I begged for help, from the doctors, from his psychiatrist, from anyone who might be able to help my son.

But no one was able to help.

I spent those two years waking to every sound, feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I worried he would harm me if I didn’t give him money. I was robbed multiple times, and although I called the police and told them the crime was committed by my son, nothing ever came of it. He continued to steal from me, and he would not leave. If he did, he came back when I was gone to steal whatever else he could find, but still, the police did nothing.

My health was affected significantly. I was exhausted, experienced trouble with my bowels, and lost weight and sleep while I tried to maintain my career. I missed work through my efforts to help my son and lost relationships as I struggled to cope with the challenges my son was facing.

I had no one to help me through this dark, lonely world. I watched in fear, with a tortured soul, as my son self -destructed before me. I locked myself in my bedroom, after hiding sharp objects so he couldn’t get to them. My attempts to kick him out failed because he was on my lease and I was too embarrassed to approach my landlord to have him removed. The police would not help me, and professionals shamed me for wanting to walk away, telling me he needed family support. I was losing myself, taking medication to help me stay even.

Trying to Move Forward

The final straw came when a drug dealer showed up at my door threatening to kill my son and his family if he didn’t pay up. I chose to move an hour away, still close enough to commute to work, but far enough away to feel safe from this nightmare. Leaving my son homeless was all I could do at that point, in order to save myself. I pushed on trying to find myself again, though I was full of guilt.

He moved in with his sister, who was experiencing addiction to painkillers after years of kidney disease. Soon enough another call came. She had called the police, knowing he had an outstanding warrant, and he went to jail the night before Thanksgiving. I felt relieved knowing he was safe there, but pained nonetheless. I stand alone trying to fight, not just for him but for myself. I ask myself, what kind of mother turns her back on her children?

He got out of jail right before Christmas with a promise to go to Narcotics Anonymous and a sober living house, but I knew it would never happen. Then another call came. My sweet boy, who would give anyone the shirt off his back, who loved his Momma and said he wanted to get better, couldn’t keep a job and was in and out of his sister’s house. What’s more, he had decided he had no choice but to do drugs. He robbed a convenience store and was charged with robbery in the first degree, a felony offense.

My heart broke at the news. Guilt filled me, and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think he would survive prison. He wasn’t “tough,” he was a skinny boy who would hurt no one. He would die there, or at least his spirit would .

The judge ordered rehab at a place about an hour away. A place that, if I wanted street drugs I could walk in and get whatever I wanted from the residents, who were supposed to be in a rehab program. The people running the place could care less if these residents succeeded. They didn’t offer meetings to attend, just a pool table and a TV. After 30 days, residents could go to a doctor to get medications, but before that, they were on their own. So, my son, who received no medications for his bipolar or anxiety, surrounded by people trading their psych meds for caps and other things, relapsed. He ended up back in jail after testing positive for Seroquel, and was given another 30 days, after which he would return to rehab.

Continuing the Fight

Meanwhile my health is poor, and my relationships with others are compromised because I can’t cope. I went to see a psychiatrist to try to develop better coping methods, so I could help my son without compromising myself. She told me he was grown and told me I needed to cut him off. She went on to try to dissect my brain, but I received no support on how to cope with and support an adult child with addiction and mental health conditions.

I stand alone trying to fight, not just for him but for myself. I ask myself, what kind of mother turns her back on her children? Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with a daughter who is addicted to painkillers and is going to lose a battle with kidney disease. I tried to separate myself but my concerns for my grandchildren keep me from cutting the ties—she has two small children and a third on the way. I lie awake at night, fearing the call telling me she has passed on. All I know to do is to cut her off and pray for the best, but the thought of doing so paralyzes me with fear for my grandchildren.

My inability to cope consumes me. It affects my ability to live freely, to have a relationship without it being compromised. I do a lot of self-blaming. I ask myself, how did two of my three children end up battling addiction and mental health concerns? I was an attentive parent. They saw me work, attend college, and take care of them. How does this happen? How do I avoid not being consumed with sadness? How do I reduce the effects of my guilt and keep from self-destructing myself?  How can I have a normal life, when my soul is so tortured?

This is a lonely place to be. I have no resources and no support. No other parent is involved, and my only family is an older sister who has young children.

Today, I am facing the destruction of another relationship. I blame myself and can’t cope, and these feelings turn to self-bashing, withdrawing into isolation, and another loss. It can consume me, although I have made huge steps in the last few months. But these aren’t enough to save me from more losses, more sadness, and more darkness that may be what ultimately takes my life. I am afraid the stress will kill me. I have been sick for months and have lost nearly 50 pounds. But I don’t know what else to do.

What can you do, when you have tried everything? I have sought out counseling only to be slapped in the face with, “Cut the ties. They are adults.” From other sources, I hear family support is the key to success for those experiencing addiction and mental illness.

So, what to do? Though I have no help or support, I know I am not alone in this place. I chose to share my story to both try and seek help, and to help others who feel as I do know that they are not alone in their pain, either.

Have you ever thought, “I’m my own worst enemy”?

Do you ever feel plagued by a relentlessly critical internal voice? Perhaps you feel stuck and find it difficult to think creatively about how to overcome challenges in your life. Even if you have a plan to address challenges, you might still find it difficult to take action.

If you find yourself experiencing these or other negative thoughts and feelings frequently, you may be dealing with a harsh superego. This internal “enemy” is the voice in our heads that reminds us of our failings and shortcomings. It reprimands us when we think or act independently of its proscribed behavior, and it can censor us in very sneaky ways.

At times, it may be almost like living under the shadow of an intimidating, abusive parent.

The Birth of a Harsh Superego

The superego is the part of a person’s mind that acts as a self-critical conscience. There are differing opinions on exactly how a superego is formed. Sigmund Freud believed the superego formed during the emotional tumult that takes place in the toddler years, during which time a child internalizes the voices of their parents.

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Melanie Klein discovered, through her observation of young children, that the superego forms not from the internalization of parental voices but in infancy, as a byproduct of an infant’s attempt to protect the self from aggressive and destructive thoughts and feelings.

Regardless of how and when the superego is formed, it seems universally understood that a child’s early environment has a significant impact on the nature of the superego. While supportive, present, and receptive parents are more likely to effect the formation of a mildly critical or supportive superego, a harsh superego is, more likely than not, at least partially the product of critical, harsh, or emotionally or physically absent parents.

The Fallout

Like an envious child who would rather destroy something that isn’t theirs, simply because they cannot have it, a harsh superego can make it feel like there is an internal someone or something that is intent on destruction.

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

Those who experience this harshness, these internal cuts, might often feel stuck in life. They may feel isolated, experience depression, self-harm, or fantasize about hurting themselves or others. A harsh superego can lead people to push others away and can also cause a person to feel stagnant at work or in a relationship.

Some individuals who cope with a harsh superego may also be more likely to turn toward drugs, alcohol, or other substances or use violent outbursts or sex to escape the persecutory voice within.

Breaking the Chains

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

This work may be particularly difficult to do alone, especially because the harsh superego is adept at getting to us in any number of unconscious ways. Any kind of permanent change requires awareness and work conducted within a positive therapeutic relationship.

Awareness Practice at Home

The central vehicle for change is awareness. The more you are aware of the harsh superego, the more empowered you are to change it. There are practices you can employ at home that are often helpful.

I suggest a daily meditation practice of 5-10 minutes. Focus on the breath and observe all manifestations of the harsh superego as they arise.

• Notice how audible it is. Does it yell? Whisper? Is this voice familiar?
• Notice its particular brand of harshness. Does it criticize you? Shame you? Berate you?
• Notice what it focuses its attention on. Not “doing it right”? Your intelligence? Appearance? Level of success?
• Notice how it might work on you in silent ways. (You might need help identifying this)
• Notice how you relate to it. Do you cower in response? Feel tight in your body? Feel angry or anxious?

These are all important things to consider as you become more aware of the harsh superego, in order for you to catch it at increasingly earlier stages and lessen its negative impact.

Psychotherapy: A Healing Relationship

Generally speaking, awareness may not enough to enact permanent change. This is where psychotherapy and psychoanalysis can often be helpful. A psychotherapist or psychoanalyst will be able to listen for the different manifestations of the harsh superego and help point out the different ways it can have a negative impact.

Even more therapeutic than education, however, is the attitude the therapist brings to this exploration. Like a loving and patient parent, a compassionate and empathic therapist can, over time, be internalized, replacing the harsh superego with a more supportive one. This is likely to take both time and patience, but it is absolutely possible.

References:

1. Freud, S. (1990, September 17). The ego and the id. W. W. Norton & Company.
2. Klein, M. (1929). Personification in the play of children. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 10. 193-204.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” —Marcus Aurelius

I wonder why, despite our best intentions, we sometimes stand in judgment of others. The reasons that follow do not justify the behavior, but I believe they do help explain it.

When we judge people harshly, we use others as a basis for comparison. We tell ourselves that our choices are pretty good given what other people are up to. We don’t use our own goals and intentions as our yardstick or benchmark. Instead, we let others determine how well we’re doing. We develop a false sense of superiority when we find fault with others. As long as others are not perfect (and no one is), then we can feel more easily justified in our own behaviors.

Judging others might be our way of finding our place among others. When we form opinions about what we aspire to and what we disdain, we determine where we think we “fit” now, and perhaps where we would like to be in the future.

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Judging others, ironically and as much as we might hate to admit it, can be an opportunity for us to rail against the things we like least within us. This is something we often fail to realize. Sometimes people hold up a mirror and we neglect to see our own reflections. We are bothered by qualities in others that we choose not to notice in ourselves.

Occasionally, judging can be a way for us to join with others. One person complains about something, then another person echoes that sentiment, and then another. Before you know it, a group has formed grounded in negativity. It sometimes takes root in humor, but is often at the expense of someone else.

How can we do better?

It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand.

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others.

Carefully consider whether the very behavior or characteristic you complain about in someone else is something you could be working on yourself. Is it possible you’re upset that you don’t possess MORE of the characteristics you are upset with? For example, do you find yourself criticizing someone who exemplifies confidence and strength because you deem them haughty or pompous? Is that because you actually wish YOU were more self-assured and assertive? If you find yourself judging someone else’s characteristics or ways of getting things done, ask yourself, is this something I could be developing in me?

Examine whether you are forming bonds based on denigrating others. If so, these bonds are founded in adversity and likely won’t last. Unfortunately, there is also the possibility judgment will next be turned toward you. Create connections based on positive, uplifting similarities in thinking, rather than initiating bonds based on taking someone else down in the process.

Use your judgment of others as a cue to check in with yourself and your thought processes.

Ask yourself: Am I feeling insecure about something? Am I uncertain about where I fit in or afraid of not belonging? Do I need to develop something in me?

Plug back into your individual goals and intentions and behave in line with them. When we focus on what we see as others’ shortcomings, we waste energy that could be better spent on improving our own.