Every January, you promise yourself this will be the year. You may think: This time, I’ll finally lose the weight, cut back on drinking, stop feeling so anxious, or fix that relationship I’ve been neglecting.

You may make it through January, but the failure rate for many New Year’s resolutions hovers around 80%. After a month or two into the new year, you might have given up on your goal and may be carrying the additional weight of disappointment and self-blame.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. More importantly, you may not be failing because you lack willpower or discipline. When you find yourself making the same resolutions year after year without lasting change, it may be time to consider a different possibility: how mental health is involved.

Why Do I Keep Failing at My New Year’s Resolutions?

If only 9% of Americans ultimately keep their resolutions, this means the vast majority of people struggle just like you do. But while fitness gurus and self-help books will tell you to set smarter goals, track your habits, or find an accountability partner, these strategies often miss a crucial truth: behavioral change is nearly impossible when underlying mental health conditions are working against you.

The Willpower Myth: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

For decades, we’ve been told that willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. But actually, the very belief that you just need more self-control may be setting you up for failure.

Success is often influenced by a combination of personality traits, environmental factors, and social contexts rather than willpower alone. In reality, when you’re battling anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, or trauma, your brain is working with fundamentally different resources.

How Mental Health Conditions Sabotage Your Goals

The resolutions you make year after year to lose weight, drink less, manage anxiety, and improve relationships aren’t random. They’re often symptoms of deeper struggles that haven’t been identified or addressed. Consider what other factors might be at play, and give yourself some newfound grace.

When Depression Derails Your Best Intentions

This year, you may plan to exercise more, eat better, or reconnect with friends. But anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues are common conditions that nearly 21 million adults in the U.S. deal with each year (as of 2021 data).

While it manifests differently from person to person, depression doesn’t just make you feel sad: it fundamentally alters your motivation, energy levels, and ability to experience pleasure. When you’re depressed, the activities that would help you feel better feel impossibly difficult.

ADHD: The Hidden Hurdle

Many adults struggle for years without realizing they have Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity (ADHD). They may just think they’re lazy, undisciplined, or fundamentally flawed. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and consistency, leading to self-sabotaging behavior like missed deadlines, emotional outbursts, or difficulty following routines.

Living with ADHD can make it difficult to reach your goals and find a routine that works. Your resolution to wake up earlier, stick to a budget, or stop procrastinating faces up against mental health factors that no amount of determination or “willpower” can overcome.

Anxiety and the Self-Sabotage Cycle

If you want to be less anxious this year, you might make resolutions to meditate, practice self-care, or “worry less.” But anxiety has a way of hijacking your best efforts, whether it’s related to politics, finances, relationships, the holidays, or more. These deep-rooted beliefs and thinking patterns can fuel all kinds of fears that can result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

Ironically, the very act of setting ambitious goals can trigger anxiety about failure, which confirms your worst fears about yourself. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break on your own. Luckily, anxiety (and depression and ADHD) is a very treatable and common condition that doesn’t have to get in your way.

Depression, ADHD, and anxiety are not the only mental health issues that can make reaching your annual goals a challenge. Substance abuse challenges, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and others might be at play. The first step, though, is doing some self-evaluation and talking to a licensed mental health professional.

What Does Self-Sabotage Really Look Like?

Getting in your own way isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t always look like giving up. Knowing the below signs of self-sabotage can equip you with the tools to interrupt your harmful patterns and start reaching your goals:

Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable, or unintelligent contribute to self-defeating behavior. These core beliefs fuel fears about performance and can cause procrastination or avoidance.

If you find yourself getting in your own way, remember: These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re often learned responses to unmet emotional needs. Plus, they’re incredibly common among people with undiagnosed mental health conditions.

How Do I Know If I Need Professional Help?

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your resolution struggles signal something deeper, try asking yourself these questions:

Prioritizing your mental health needs doesn’t have to follow a significant or traumatic event in your life. It can be the natural next step if you notice the little things adding up and your resolutions getting harder and harder to achieve.

What Can Therapy Actually Do for My Resolutions?

Despite what some may think, therapy isn’t about having someone tell you to try harder or hold you accountable. It’s about uncovering and addressing the root causes that have been affecting your efforts all along. Finding emotional healing starts with a diagnosis, if applicable, exploring root causes, and building the skills to manage your needs.

Accurate Diagnosis Changes Everything

A thorough evaluation for a specific condition, or a few, might seem scary and overwhelming. But getting an accurate diagnosis gives you clarity. Suddenly, your struggles have a name and a framework. Whether you have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or another condition, early identification improves the effectiveness of treatment and improves your overall quality of life. You’re not broken or lazy: you’re dealing with a legitimate challenge that has real solutions.

Therapy Addresses the “Why,” Not Just the “What”

Resolutions and therapy may share the same end goal of bettering yourself, but they approach it in very different ways. Resolution-setting focuses on behavior: eat less, exercise more, save money. Therapy digs into why those behaviors have been so difficult to sustain.

A skilled therapist can help you:

You Learn Skills That Last Beyond January

Therapy is not meant to give you a one-time fix for a sticky situation or a script for handling one tough conversation. Therapy approaches are long-term treatments that can be very helpful in creating lasting change. Some common frameworks include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to name a few.

Making Therapy Your Resolution This Year

This year, instead of resolving to change your behavior through just more willpower and determination, consider making a different commitment: to understand yourself better and get the support you deserve.

When finding a therapist, look for someone who:

Seeking therapy is about acknowledging that you’ve been fighting an uphill battle with limited tools and wanting to make a change, not admitting defeat. With proper treatment, you can work towards genuine self-motivation.

Take the First Step Towards a Healthier You

Change takes time, and it doesn’t have to start with a sweeping life overhaul. It can start with one phone call, one appointment, one honest conversation about what you’ve been struggling with. Setting New Year’s resolutions already proves you have the desire to change, so now it’s time to get the support that makes change possible.

Find a therapist near you who can help you understand what’s been holding you back and build a path forward that actually works for your life and your unique circumstances.

We all want to feel needed, appreciated, and connected. But when your sense of worth hinges on how much you do for others; when saying no feels dangerous or caring for yourself brings guilt; you might be caught in an over-accommodating loop. Caring deeply and showing up for others isn’t the problem. The trouble begins when your own needs fade so far into the background that you forget they’re even there.

Research shows that people pleasing behavior is more common than you might think, often having roots that stretch back into childhood and significantly impacting mental health outcomes.

What It Feels Like to Over-Accommodate

If you’re someone who regularly adjusts your plans, preferences, or even your personality to keep others happy, you might be stuck in an over-accommodating loop. This can look like being easygoing, selfless, or “low maintenance” on the outside – but inside, you may feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or exhausted.

While this pattern can be rooted in a genuine desire to help, it’s often driven by deeper fears: fear of conflict, fear of being a burden, fear of not being enough unless you’re useful. And those fears can quietly shape your relationships, your self-worth, and your overall well-being.

Common Signs of People Pleasing Behavior

Understanding the patterns of people pleasing behavior is crucial for recognizing when caring crosses into self-sacrifice:

Taking on Emotional Responsibility: You often feel responsible for keeping others happy or avoiding their discomfort, even when it’s not your job.

Struggling to Say No: Turning down requests makes you feel guilty, selfish, or worried someone will be upset.

Putting Yourself Last: Your own rest, needs, and boundaries get pushed aside to make room for others.

Guilt Around Self-Care: Doing something for yourself feels indulgent – or even wrong.

Resentment or Burnout: You feel drained or underappreciated, but you keep giving anyway.

Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen notes that people pleasers are at significantly higher risk for workplace burnout due to their difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to additional responsibilities.

The Trap in Romantic Relationships

People pleasing behavior can really show up in romantic relationships, especially with partners who are more self-focused or entitled. If you’re overly other-oriented, you might feel pulled to caretake, smooth things over, or manage the other person’s moods. Your needs take a backseat, sometimes so far back you lose sight of them entirely.

Without meaning to, you may even reinforce the idea that the relationship revolves around their wants – because you keep showing up, quietly stretching yourself thinner. Over time, this dynamic can leave you feeling resentful, emotionally alone, or unsure what you even want from a partner.

Change starts by noticing these patterns, getting curious about them, and slowly learning to voice your needs and limits. That’s not selfish – it’s how mutual relationships are built.

Where People Pleasing Behavior Comes From

This habit of over-accommodating usually isn’t random. Most people learned it somewhere. Sometimes, the pattern forms in response to unspoken expectations – subtle cues that your role was to be the helper, the fixer, the one who stayed calm. Even if no one ever said it out loud, you may have absorbed the message that your value came from being easy, helpful, or emotionally low maintenance.

Research indicates that people pleasing behavior often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional. If caregivers only validated them when they were obedient, accommodating, or high-achieving, they may have learned that their worth depends on meeting others’ expectations.

Maybe you grew up in a household where conflict felt dangerous, so you kept the peace. Maybe you had a parent who struggled, and you stepped into the role of emotional support. Or maybe you were simply rewarded for being the one who didn’t “cause trouble.” When your safety or connection depended on being agreeable, helpful, or invisible, it makes sense that you internalized those ways of coping. They helped you survive then, but they might be hurting you now.

Moving Toward Balance: Overcoming People Pleasing Behavior

You don’t have to stop being caring or supportive. But what if your own needs got equal airtime? What if tending to your well-being wasn’t something you earned after taking care of everyone else? These changes don’t happen overnight, but they’re possible with time, practice, and support.

Here are a few steps toward that kind of shift:

Practice Assertiveness: Speak up about your preferences and needs – even in small ways. Start where it feels hard, but possible. Studies show that learning assertiveness skills is crucial for breaking free from people pleasing patterns.

Make Self-Care Non-Negotiable: Rest, connection, creativity – whatever refuels you – deserves space on your calendar.

Challenge the Guilt: Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s sustainable.

Notice the Roots: Start gently unpacking where these patterns came from. What were you taught about your role in relationships?

Seek Out Mutuality: Surround yourself with people who want to know the real you – not just the version who shows up for them.

FAQ: Understanding People Pleasing Behavior

Q: Is people pleasing behavior a mental health condition? A: While not a diagnosable condition itself, chronic people pleasing behavior is often linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and codependency. It can also be a trauma response known as “fawning.”

Q: How do I know if my helping is healthy or unhealthy? A: Healthy helping comes from choice and maintains your boundaries. Unhealthy people pleasing feels compulsive, leaves you drained, and often involves sacrificing your own needs consistently.

Q: Can people pleasing behavior be changed? A: Yes! With awareness, practice, and often professional support, people can learn to set healthy boundaries, practice assertiveness, and build self-worth independent of others’ approval.

Q: What’s the difference between being kind and people pleasing? A: Kindness comes from genuine care and choice, while people pleasing is driven by fear, guilt, or the need for approval. Kind people can say no when needed; people pleasers struggle with this.

Q: How long does it take to overcome people pleasing habits? A: Recovery is a gradual process that varies for each person. Some may see changes in weeks with consistent practice, while deeply ingrained patterns may take months or years to fully transform.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

Being someone who cares deeply is a gift. But when that care becomes a quiet erasure of your own needs, it can be a heavy burden to carry. You deserve relationships that go both ways – and a life that honors your needs just as much as anyone else’s.

Healing people pleasing behavior doesn’t mean giving less. It means giving in a way that includes you – where your voice, your needs, and your inner steadiness are part of the equation. You’re allowed to show up fully, not just as the one who helps, but as someone equally worthy of care.

Let’s be honest: Reality television has become America’s not-so-secret obsession. Whether it’s your guilty pleasure after a long day, the background noise while you’re scrolling your phone, or something you swear you’d never watch (but somehow know all the contestants’ names), there’s no denying we’re consuming more reality TV than ever before.

From the drama-filled villas of Love Island to the backstabbing brilliance of The Traitors, from the soaring vocals on The Voice to the rose ceremonies on The Bachelor — these shows have us hooked, and they’re undeniably entertaining. Still, researchers and mental health professionals are increasingly worried about the impact this “harmless” entertainment might be doing to our mental health, especially as it relates to body image.

If you’ve ever felt a knot in your stomach after watching impossibly perfect people find love on a tropical island or noticed your mood dip after a reality TV binge, you’re not alone. These shows are messing with our minds in ways we’re only beginning to understand, and the impact on how we see ourselves, especially our bodies, is becoming impossible to ignore.

Take Love Island USA, for instance. This longtime fan favorite has been called out for years over its harmful body image messaging, yet the most recent season (which premiered June 3rd, 2025) serves up more of the same. It might be your go-to guilty pleasure, but it’s worth asking: What’s the real cost of the “Love Island Effect” on our mental health?

Below is a deeper dive into the show’s impact on our mental health — from the show’s impossible beauty standards to the direct psychological toll it takes on us — plus some practical ways to enjoy your reality TV fix without letting it mess with your self-worth.

Negative Body Image and Mental Health: Understanding the Connection

When it comes to what shapes your mental health, body image plays a bigger role than you may realize. The way you see yourself in the mirror isn’t just about vanity: it’s deeply connected to your overall well-being and self-worth. When those thoughts are persistently negative, your mind can suffer.

Poor body image can trigger or worsen a number of conditions or symptoms: 

• Anxiety and depression 
• Body dysmorphia 
• Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia 
• Feelings of shame and guilt 
• Self-esteem 
• An unhealthy obsession with body type

Learning how body image affects mental health isn’t just important: it’s essential if you want to take care of yourself, feel better in your own skin, and help others do the same. There are four components to body image you should know: what you see when you look at yourself (perceptual), how that makes you feel (affective), what you think about it (cognitive), and what you do as a result (behavioral).

Here’s the kicker: Reality TV and social media can mess with any or all of these layers, creating a perfect storm for mental health struggles.

The good news? If you’re battling negative body image, you don’t have to go it alone. Therapy professionals are specially trained to help you spot reality TV’s toxic influence and flip the script on how you see yourself. They can even coach you through tough conversations about body image with friends and family, helping curate a more positive message to the people you care about.

Read More: Wondering How to Talk to Your Child About Their Body? Start Here 

The Popularity of Reality TV

Despite all the hand-wringing about reality TV’s impact on our mental health, we’re watching more of it than ever. In fact, reality shows now make up a staggering 57% of all available TV programming. The message is crystal clear — reality TV isn’t just a guilty pleasure anymore: It’s become part of our daily media diet.

How Reality TV Impacts Body Image

You’ve probably encountered at least one of the Love Island franchises, whether it’s the UK, Australia, France, Germany, or USA version. Yet, what stays consistent across every beach and villa is the show’s basic formula of putting conventionally attractive twenty-somethings in swimwear and watching them compete for love — and the troubling impact it has on how we see ourselves.

The numbers are pretty sobering. New research from the Mental Health Foundation reveals that nearly 25% of 18-to-24-year-olds say reality TV makes them worry about their body image. The newest debut of Love Island USA, season 7, exacerbates this widespread concern. The cast is another lineup of people who fit that narrow definition of “beach body ready” and have likely had cosmetic work done.  Love Island is certainly not alone in promoting unhealthy body standards, but researchers are particularly worried about the show’s so-called “Love Island Effect”: when viewers don’t just watch the show but also start questioning their own appearance and considering cosmetic procedures.

Despite the show’s lack of body diversity and some franchise changes, like offering mental health support for contestants after the show, Love Island USA celebrates the same, negative idea about body image: that true physical beauty does not include plus-sized bodies and only celebrates those with toned physiques and cosmetic enhancements.

Understanding how your TV habits affect your mental health is just the beginning. Actually building a positive body image, though, is the real work. Learn some concrete steps you can take to reset your perspective and find the support you need to feel good in your own skin.

How to Develop a Positive Body Image

As you grab the remote this week to turn on your favorite reality TV show, stop yourself and remember this key fact: the people you see on TV both represent skewed body ideals and likely struggle with body image issues themselves. 

While GoodTherapy’s expert therapists are ready to help you tackle any body image challenges head-on, you can start protecting your mental health right now with these three game-changing strategies:

1. Set Boundaries: Think of boundaries as your personal protection measures — whether physical, mental, or emotional. They’re your first line of defense in protecting your peace of mind.
2. Fight Back With Cognitive Dissonance: Recognize and combat toxic beauty standards. See something unrealistic? Call it out. Challenge it verbally or take action against it.
3. Remember the Ultimate Goal: Self-love isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for your best friend might not work for you, and that’s okay. The freedom that comes with genuine self-acceptance? That’s universal.

These are the big-picture strategies, but let’s get practical. Here are some small but mighty actions that can transform how you see yourself:

• Start your day with positive affirmations (yes, they actually work) 
• Chase health, not a number on the scale 
• Spread compliments freely to others and yourself 
• Make a list of what you love about yourself (and read it often) 
• Catch yourself comparing and shut it down 
• Notice when your inner critic gets loud and stop it in its tracks 
• Remember you’re more than just a body: you’re a whole person

Fighting back against TV’s toxic body standards doesn’t mean you have to give up Bachelor in Paradise or stop rooting for your favorite Survivor contestant. It just means watching with your eyes wide open and recognizing your triggers so you can practice foundational skills in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). When you notice yourself making comparisons while watching Love Island, that awareness itself is the first step toward change.

Read More: Want to Learn About the Importance of CBT? Start Learning Now

How You Can Watch Love Island and Protect Your Mental Health 

You don’t have to navigate this mental health journey solo. GoodTherapy’s trained professionals understand how reality TV affects mental health. They’re equipped with tools and strategies to help you build a healthier relationship with your body image.

With the right support, you don’t have to break up with Love Island USA this summer. You can absolutely keep up with all the villa drama while also working on rebuilding your confidence and protecting your mental health. It’s not about choosing between entertainment and self-care: it’s about finding that sweet spot where you can enjoy both.

Ready to take that first step? Find the right therapist for you, today!

Sources:

Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute: Body Perceptions and Psychological Well-Being

Reality TV Statistics by Shows, Franchise, Demographics and Popularity

Which American Genres Have the Highest Global Demand?

Popularity of Reality TV as Online Video Content Genre in the U.S. 2019-2023 as of June 2024, by Quarter

Mental Health Foundation Raises Fears About Impact of Reality TV on Young Viewers

The Issue of Diverse Body Representation on Reality TV Goes Way Beyond Love Island

Reality TV Fuels Body Anxiety in Young People, Survey Says

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist in San Diego, CA

Girl Assertiveness Power: How to Teach Young Girls to Assert Their Power Like Amanda Gorman  

At the 2021 Presidential Inauguration, Amanda Gorman, a poet and activist, performed her poem “The Hill We Climb.” She shared these powerful words: “When day comes, we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade?” This line illuminated a shade that looms over our young girls, cloaking their voices within the darkness of unassertiveness. While Gorman’s performance spoke powerfully across a vast sea of change needed, her presence and assertiveness courageously inspired people all over the world to stand in the light of assertive power. How can we teach young girls to be more assertive despite their fear of being viewed as aggressive? 

Why Female Assertiveness Is Complicated

Research supports the benefits of individuals sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings in an assertive way (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). Research also highlights the consequences women have faced when their assertiveness was incorrectly viewed as aggressiveness (Maloney & Moore, 2019). Considering the challenges faced when a woman embraces her assertive power, parents have seemingly been hesitant to encourage their daughters to be unabashedly assertive.

Why and How to Nurture Assertiveness in Girls

Why must there be a collective drive to teach young girls to be assertive? First, most people can admit that it is what they do not say that leads to increased anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction. While there can be consequences to being assertive or aggressive, people generally feel empowered after being brave enough to share their truth. How can you stay on the healthy side of authentic communication without crossing the line into perceived aggressiveness? How can you develop assertiveness in the face of real bias against assertive women? Young girls need help developing the power of their assertive voice and navigating the challenges that may result. Here are general behavioral TIPs to help.

Tone

To be an effective communicator, one must first have self-awareness. Is the young girl in your life someone who gets loud when she is excited about a topic of discussion? Is her voice is barely audible when she talks about something meaningful? Does it quaver when she discusses her honest feelings? If you are able to answer any of these questions, then you are somewhat aware of her natural way of communicating. Now, you must help her develop awareness of how changes in her tone may be affected by her feelings and may, in turn, affect her listener. 

When the brain experiences intense emotions, it does not process information as accurately as it does in a calmer state. The right tone matters, especially in moments of high emotional intensity. The right tone can deescalate a situation and allow the receiver of communication to process the information better and appraise the speaker more favorably (Helfrich & Weidenbecher, 2011). The wrong tone of voice can change the way the receiver codes the message as assertive or aggressive. An assertive tone can be passionate and intense with an air of calmness. An aggressive tone can also be passionate and intense, but typically has an air of uncertainty. An aggressive tone creates negative feelings in the receiver. A calm tone can create positive feelings, which means the message can be heard more clearly.

Information About the Message Receiver

 It is important to teach young girls how to know their audience. Help them think about who will be listening to what they have to say. Strong communicators can effectively speak to someone with a doctorate or someone who has a third-grade education. You can’t do that without awareness of the receiver’s capacity to receive and absorb the message. You may have something valuable to say, but if you deliver it in the wrong tone and with ineffective language, your message will not achieve the desired outcome. Knowing how to adjust based on your audience is a key skill for communicating effectively.

Our young girls need feedback. They need help understanding how their communication is received by their audience. Feedback can help them strengthen positive communication skills and weaken any negative communication delivery methods.

Posture 

Does the young girl in your life take up space when she is communicating, or does she get smaller? Does she make wild movements with her hands or hid them behind her back when she’s trying to assert herself? Behavioral positions cause natural reactions. Our brains decide if a person’s posturing is threatening or soothing. Thus, it is helpful to teach young girls to be aware of how their bodies respond when they are trying to communicate their authentic thoughts, and how their physical reactions might affect various audiences. A girl may have a lovely, impassioned message that could come across as aggressive to someone else based on their posture. While perceptions of posturing are fraught with bias, knowing how others might perceive her behavior can help young girls to develop flexibility and intention in their physical movements based on their audience.

Teaching the young girl in your life these behavioral TIPs is a start to helping her develop more lifelong assertiveness. It’s also important to expose her to assertive women.

Stock up on Books

Make sure to surround the young girl in your life with examples of women who have accomplished many things. I would invite you to devote a shelf in the home to fill with books about a variety of girls and women who have assertively accomplished their goals. Keep filling shelves up with wonderful stories of how important girls and women are in the world. Self-confidence inspires assertiveness. Also, be sure to include books by child and adult female authors who were assertive enough to write and publish their ideas. Here are some book recommendations:

• The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman
• The Book of Gutsy Women by Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton
• Start Now! You Can Make a Difference by Chelsea Clinton
• She Persisted Around the World: 13 Women Who Changed History by Chelsea Clinton
• Dear Girl by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Paris Rosenthal
• Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls by Rebel Girls, Francesca Cavallo and Elena Favilli
• The Bee Psychologist: I Wish My Mom Had Five Heads! by Liz Middle and Jocelyn Markowicz, Ph.D.
• Like a Girl by Lori Degman and Mara Penny
• A Good Kind of Trouble by Lisa Moore Ramee
• Ambitious Girl by Meena Harris

Target Conditions That Negatively Impact Assertiveness

As you are teaching the young girl in your life to practice assertive communication and filling up her mind with wonderful examples of assertiveness, you must also actively work to target conditions that may negatively impact her assertive communication progress. In order for her to experience the true power of her assertiveness, she’ll need your help to reduce anticipatory anxiety or behavioral-skill deficits associated with her unassertiveness (Speed, Goldstein, & Golfried, 2017). Untreated anxiety and depression are but two conditions that can impact a young girl’s confidence to assertively communicate her thoughts. 

Therapy is a great resource she may utilize to discuss challenges to her assertiveness and practice specific skills. Assertiveness training, which can be conducted in therapy, decreases anxiety, stress, and depression (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). According to Eslami et al. (2016), unassertive behaviors are obstacles that strongly correlated with fears, worries, social anxieties, and various internal aggressions. An assertive person can create closer relationships with others, express a wide range of emotions without feeling guilty, stressful, or anxious or violating the rights of others. Young girls can develop into assertive women who change the world. As Amanda Gorman stated at the inauguration, ‘If only we’re brave enough to be it.’ We owe it to the young girls in our lives to help them to Be the It called an assertive communicator.

If the young girl in your life might benefit from therapy, start looking at options with our child therapist search. If you’re reading this and thinking you might need to work on yourself before you’ll really be ready to nurture assertiveness in someone else, begin your search for a therapist near you in our directory.

References

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’. (2021, January 20). Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html

Eslami, A.A., Rabiei,L, Mohammad, S.A., Hamidizadeh, S., and Masoudi, R. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent Medical Journal. Jan; 18(1): e21096.

Helfrich, Hede & Weidenbecher, Philipp. (2011). Impact of Voice Pitch on Text Memory. Swiss Journal of Psychology. 70. 85-93. 10.1024/1421-0185/a000042.

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women’s dermatology, 6(1), 46–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216

Earlier this week I participated for the first time in a “ladies’ night out” tennis round robin event in my community. Throughout the evening, I found myself noticing how many exclamations of “sorry” I kept hearing across all the courts.

From my work in leading self-esteem workshops, I know many women tend to personalize mistakes and over-apologize for even the smallest of errors. Thus, I found it amusing to witness firsthand how many apologies were being thrown around during what was ultimately a laid-back, fun event.

I began to wonder: Do men say “sorry” this much when they are playing sports? Do they apologize for every missed shot or fumble? While I don’t know for sure, I assume that overall, women probably do this more often. This is not meant to stereotype, but the fact is, in general, women seem to struggle with the tendency to over-apologize. And it likely relates to self-esteem.

While looking at research for my recently released book The Self-Esteem Workbook for Women: 5 Steps to Gaining Confidence and Inner Strength, I came across the results of an interesting study that found women do have lower levels of self-esteem than men and this discrepancy is observed worldwide (Bleidorn, 2016).

In recent years, we are learning more and more about the brain and figuring out how neurological factors play a role in various conditions. Historically, few studies have looked at the neurological basis of self-esteem; however, a 2014 Dartmouth College study showed that levels of self-esteem are related to how different regions of the brain connect: People with strong white matter connections from the medial prefrontal cortex, the area dealing with self-knowledge, to the ventral striatum, the area dealing with reward systems, demonstrated high levels of self-esteem over the long-term. A well-functioning connection with high levels of activity between these two areas correlated with high self-esteem in the moment. These results suggest that feelings of self-worth may stem from neurological connections integrating information about the self with positive affect and reward.

This description may sound complicated and highly technical, but the important point behind this research is that connections and integrations in the brain play a role in self-esteem. And these connections may work differently for men and women.

It’s interesting to consider how biology contributes to the self-esteem differences we witness between genders, but what does this mean for women? Because women appear to be predisposed to lower levels of self-esteem, it’s all the more important for women to actively take steps to build self-esteem. How do we do this?

Unfortunately, the tools necessary to help build self-esteem aren’t taught in childhood or in most school systems; often, they are things individuals learn only when they wind up struggling with mood or relationship problems that cause them to seek help. But I believe everyone, especially women, deserves self-confidence and can benefit from developing an awareness of what it takes to find inner strength. Because self-esteem impacts every area of life—career, relationships, parenting, emotional health, and overall well-being—it’s vital to gain a better understanding of how you can actively build and maintain a healthy sense of self-worth.

Because women appear to be predisposed to lower levels of self-esteem, it’s all the more important for women to actively take steps to build self-esteem.

In The Self-Esteem Workbook for Women, I provide five steps with exercises and case studies to guide women in improving their self-esteem. Outlined below is an overview. For a deeper look into the five steps, I encourage you to check out the workbook, where you can move though each step on a personal level and at your own pace.

1. Know Yourself

Building self-esteem first involves knowing who you are: identifying what you like, knowing what you want out of life, and developing an awareness of how your past experiences have shaped the person you are today. It requires paying attention to how you treat yourself and developing an awareness of the internal messages you grapple with.

2. Care for Yourself

Developing healthy self-esteem also encompasses recognizing how powerful your internal voice is and learning to rewire your brain by developing more effective thinking patterns. It involves acting as your own cheerleader and being mindful that things such as diet, exercise, sleep, and setting realistic expectations all play a role in how you feel about yourself. Beyond the basics, caring for yourself means ensuring you take time out to nurture your spirit by doing things you enjoy.

3. Respect Yourself

Respecting yourself is vital to maintaining healthy self-esteem. It involves assessing and upholding your values without sacrificing your well-being to please others. It’s about developing trust in yourself and learning skills to become more assertive.

4. Accept Yourself

Fostering healthy self-esteem involves acknowledging your limits and imperfections, accepting mistakes, and learning to more effectively deal with criticisms. It necessitates knowing your threshold for stress, developing self-compassion, and forgiving yourself for faults or missteps.

5. Love Yourself

To truly demonstrate self-esteem, you must believe in your worth and care about your future. Loving yourself means treating yourself as well as you treat friends and loved ones. Doing this involves creating better boundaries in relationships. It also entails celebrating your strengths and learning to accept compliments.

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These steps may sound overly simplistic; conversely, they may sound overwhelming. But building healthy self-esteem is possible. It does require you to actively turn inward and develop a greater sense of self-awareness. With dedicated effort, focused attention, and a willingness to put new tools into practice, you can build self-esteem and experience a greater level of confidence. Doing so will help you to ultimately achieve a more rewarding life.

If you struggle with self-esteem, contact a licensed therapist in your area.

References:

1. Bleidorn, W., Denissen, J.A., Gebauer, J. E., Arslan, R.C., Rentfrow, P.J., Potter, J., & Gosling, S.D. (2016, September 1). Age and Gender Differences in Self-Esteem—A Cross-Cultural Window. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(3): 396-410.
2. Dartmouth researchers discover a source of self-esteem in the brain. (2014, June 16). Retrieved from https://www.dartmouth.edu/press-releases/brainselfesteem061614.html
3. MacCutcheon, M. (2018). The self-esteem workbook for women: 5 steps to gaining confidence and inner strength. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press.

Self-esteem has been a pop psychology topic for decades. People often focus on it in therapy. We often speak about it with flowery and shallow language, though there is a plethora of research about the topic. Self-esteem is influenced by evolution, childhood, rejection, social group stability, and, most importantly, beliefs.

Stick with me.

I’m going to make all this neuro-psychobabble palatable.

What Are Beliefs?

Our beliefs about ourselves are formed through recurring experiences with the world. Those beliefs have an enormous influence on how our personality develops. They dictate when we feel safe, what we think is funny, who we’re attracted to, and virtually every other part of our experience. Due to how our beliefs are stored in the brain, though, they’re not intellectual and logical. They’re emotional and difficult to analyze, but they paint our reality.

Belief Perseverance

One of psychology’s more reliable phenomena is human beings’ tendency to make use of invalidated information. When we learn information about others or ourselves, it’s difficult to unlearn it. This is why you can’t shake the belief you’re bad at math, because your second-grade teacher told you so.

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How Children Develop Beliefs

Our brains develop the ability to understand other people’s perspectives (both visually and mentally) at around 2-3 years old. This is when the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) begins to develop. The mPFC plays a fundamental role in self-reflection, person perception, and theory of mind (ToM.) Thus, the mPFC serves as a key region in understanding self and others. This is when a child might begin to take interest in the wiggles, but doesn’t understand that every guest who walks into the house doesn’t share the interest.

At around age 4-5, children begin to understand that two people in different places see different things or see things in different ways (both visually and mentally). At this age, your child will realize that the wiggles aren’t everyone’s cup of tea (whew!).

The mPFC is activated when a person is asked to make context-independent judgments about themselves. An example of this is the statement, “I am smart.” This statement doesn’t depend on your grades or how many books you’ve read. This is just a statement of your positive feelings about your intellect.

Our ability to make positive judgments about ourselves is rooted in our childhood. In neuro-imaging studies conducted with adolescents, mPFC activation decreases with age. By adolescence, context-independent judgments are fairly solidified. Therefore, when criticism is normalized in childhood, a person may tend to perceive others as highly critical.

How Much Do Our Beliefs About Others Impact Our Lives?

How we process social rejection is largely decided by our perceptions of others. Our beliefs about the intentions of others ultimately determines how we will behave in various situations.

A study published earlier this month explains how we decide whether to cooperate, based on our beliefs about the intentions of other people. If you believe others are generally open and pleasant, you are likely to decide that being a part of a team is the most beneficial decision. If you believe people are generally critical, you are likely to do the opposite.

Watch Your Attitude

One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others. When a parent models gossip about others as normal communication, a child may easily generalize that people are critical.

One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others.

On the other hand, parents who focus on providing a warm and positive relationship with their child are shown to increase self-worth in their children during adolescence and adulthood. When people believe that the world is a generally loving place, they are less likely to experience mistrust and neurosis. Brené Brown suggests “(…) we need to be the adults we want our children to be. We should watch our own gossiping and anger. We should model the kindness we want to see.”

A parent who consistently gossips around their child and is critical of others, even if they are not critical of the child directly, provides a recurring negative and socially unsafe experience of the world. This can cause a feeling of disconnection with the parent.

Negative Memories and the Brain

Our brains hold tightly to memories connected with negative emotions and experiences, especially those where we feel unsafe, criticized, or rejected. The memories are categorized by the brain as critical in preparing for future potential crises.

In fact, with even the smallest of events, negative experience or rejection is remembered three times more powerfully than positive experience. Research shows that, on average, the brain requires five positive experiences to convince itself that the one bad experience was a fluke.

Why Acceptance and Rejection Matter

Social rejection and disconnection is devastating to humans. From an evolutionary standpoint, the more primal part of our brain understands that an isolated human is not suited to survive. Our ancestors depended on the acceptance of a group to live and procreate. Without a stable group of people to belong to, rejection can cause major negative neural, biological, emotional, and behavioral responses.

When a person experiences rejection or disconnection, the following things occur:

• The heart slows down.
• Hormone levels shift—progesterone (the connection hormone) decreases and cortisol (the stress hormone) increases.
• The brain regions associated with communicating pain are activated.

These changes result in aggression and discomfort. Studies have shown, though, that a rejected person who is offered even a small bit of acceptance from a stranger will significantly reduce their aggression and their physiological symptoms will decrease drastically.

Tips for Developing Self-Esteem

There’s an extensive knowledge base when it comes to self-esteem! Here are some pointers for developing it.

For yourself:

• Identify the relationships where you feel most accepted. Put time and energy into those relationships and enjoy the connection that comes from belonging.
• Share the scary, vulnerable stuff with trustworthy loved ones. Exposing your less pristine self, and having someone tell you that they understand and relate, relieves self-doubt and isolation.
• If you’re feeling rejected and doubting yourself, pop a Tylenol. The part of your brain that processes social rejection is the same part that processes physical pain. During two studies, researchers found overwhelming evidence that taking Tylenol (as opposed to a placebo) drastically reduced neural activation in the brain’s pain centers and relieved emotional discomfort.
• Take an eight-week course in mindfulness. Mindfulness has been shown to increase cortical thickness, activate the PFC, and improve neuroplasticity, which all support positive changes in context-independent self-judgments.

As a parent:

• Provide a safe environment that encourages kindness and connection.
• Be vulnerable with your child, connect to their difficult experiences, and give them a place to belong. This will reduce the need to belong to an unstable peer group and cow down to the whims of bullies.

References:

1. Amodio, D. M., & Frith, C. D. (2006). Meeting of minds: The medial frontal cortex and social cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 7, 268-277.
2. Castro Santa, J., Exadaktylos, F., & Soto-Faraco, S. (2018). Beliefs about others’ intentions determine whether cooperation is the faster choice. Scientific Reports, 8, 7509.
3. DeWall, C. N., & Bushman, B. J. (2011, August 8). Social acceptance and rejection: The sweet and the bitter. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(4), 256-260.
4. DeWall, C. N., MacDonald, G., Webster, G. D., Masten, C., Baumeister, R. F., & Powell, C. (2010). Acetaminophen reduces social pain: Behavioral and neural evidence. Psychological Science, 21, 931-937.
5. DeWall, C. N., Twenge, J. M., Bushman, B. J., Im, C., & Williams, K. D. (2010). Acceptance by one differs from acceptance by none: Applying social impact theory to the rejection-aggression link. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1, 168-174.
6. Dickerson, S. S., & Kemeny, M. E. (2004). Acute stressors and cortisol responses: A theoretical integration and synthesis of laboratory research. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 355-391.
7. Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290-292.
8. Frith, C. D., & Frith, U. (2006). The neural basis of mentalizing. Neuron, 50, 531-534.
9. Gilbert, C. D., & Sigman, M. (2007, June 7). Brain states: Top-down influences in sensory processing. Neuron, 54(5), 677-96.
10. Grossmann, T. (2013). The role of medial prefrontal cortex in early social cognition. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 340.
11. Guenther, C., & Alicke, M. D. (2008). Self-enhancement and belief perseverance. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 706-712.
12. Gunther Moor, B., Crone, E. A., & van der Molen, M. W. (2010). The heartbrake of social rejection: Heart rate deceleration in response to unexpected peer rejection. Psychological Science, 21, 1326–1333.
13. Johnson, M. H., Grossmann, T., & Cohen Kadosh, K. (2009). Mapping functional brain development: Building a social brain through interactive specialization. Developmental Psychology, 45, 151-159.
14. Kogan, J. (2012, October). Brené Brown: Be the adult you want your children to be. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/brene-brown-be-the-adult-you-want-your-children-to-be/2012/10/04/b5bdbd9c-0ca6-11e2-a310-2363842b7057_blog.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.efd5625936d1
15. Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., & Fischl, B. (2005). Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. Neuroreport,16(17), 1893-1897.
16. Maner, J. K., Miller, S. L., Schmidt, N. B., & Eckel L. A. (2010). The endocrinology of exclusion: Rejection elicits motivationally tuned changes in progesterone. Psychological Science, 21, 581-588.
17. Martial, C., Stawarczyk, D., & D’Argembeau, A. (2018). Neural correlates of context-independent and context-dependent self-knowledge. Brain and Cognition, 125, 23-31.
18. McAdams, T. A., Rijsdijk, F. V., Narusyte, J., Ganiban, J. M., Reiss, D., Spotts, E., … Eley, T. C. (2017). Associations between the parent-child relationship and adolescent self‐worth: A genetically informed study of twin parents and their adolescent children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 58(1), 46-54.
19. Sathyanarayana Rao, T. S., Asha, M. R., Jagannatha Rao, K. S., & Vasudevaraju, P. (2009). The biochemistry of belief. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 51(4), 239-241.
20. Schurz, M., Aichhorn, M., Martin, A., & Perner, J. (2013). Common brain areas engaged in false belief reasoning and visual perspective taking: A meta-analysis of functional brain imaging studies. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 712.
21. Tugend, A. (2012, March 23). Praise is fleeting, but brickbats we recall. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html
22. We remember bad items better than good. (2007, August 28). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/08/070828110711.htm

One summer afternoon two years ago, I sat in a windowless office listening to the traumatic, heartbreaking story of a person I was providing therapy to. It was my first job after becoming a licensed social worker.

As I listened to her, my heart started to race, and my palms started to sweat. The room suddenly felt like it was 100 degrees. I saw myself in my assailant’s grip and remembered that time with my father. I heard all those years’ worth of belittling messages from family members. I felt the sting of rejection, the pain of grief, the heat of anger, the turmoil of anxiety, and the weight of sadness all in a single, crystallized moment.

Only hearing bits and pieces of what she said, I clenched my hand over my heart and said, “I’m so sorry.” But I’m not sure if that was meant more for her or for me.

I had heard the word “trigger” in classes, and I knew the warning signs. Though I had been warned of the risks of workplace retraumatization for therapists, I was totally unaware of my own vulnerability. [fat_widget_right]

I didn’t know at the time that my recognition of this moment would kick-start a two-year journey of self-study, a process that incorporated supervision, therapy, and nutritional counseling to undo my history’s disempowering chokehold on my life.

Empowerment to Avoid Retraumatization

Trauma, abuse, prejudice, and bigotry can hide truth and disempower us. All of these experiences can mute our agency, our authority, and our choices.

The most important relationship for us to develop is the one we share with ourselves. And while all relationships involve power, many of us are disillusioned and disconnected from our inner power.

Social work can be described as an approach of resource-oriented support that helps promote self-determination and autonomy by enhancing strengths in the face of destructive systems. Empowerment lies at the center of the social work profession. Fostering empowerment is at the core of what I do professionally, in my work as both a care manager and a therapist, but I was delayed in the development of my own empowerment.

The most important relationship for us to develop is the one we share with ourselves. And while all relationships involve power, many of us are disillusioned and disconnected from our inner power.

The process of empowerment includes cultivation of self-worth; the right to have access to choices, opportunities and resources; the right to have power to control our own lives; and the ability to influence the direction of social change. Empowerment requires us to seek, cultivate, maintain, and support our inner power, as well as that of others. We can do this through psychoeducation, raising awareness, and developing confidence.

I used my own journey of empowerment to develop the following acronym to guide those I work with in therapy toward cultivating their own: ANCHOR

In order to ANCHOR ourselves in empowerment, we must seek:

Awareness

The most essential tool for any kind of personal change is awareness. With awareness, we can begin to learn how to make the best choices for ourselves. Practicing mindfulness can help us develop our awareness. If you would like to learn more about mindfulness, I recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Full Catastrophe Living. This book can help you better understand the mind-body connection and the ways in which mindfulness can foster well-being and healing.

Networks

We are social beings, wired and hungry for belonging and connection. Social support allows us to feel cared for and lets us know there are people in our lives who can help us when we need it. Social supports can manifest in both receiving and providing emotional, tangible, informational, or companionship resources.

To become more networked, try Meetup.com (or the Meetup app). Meetup connects people who are interested in similar activities, helping them connect with nearby people who have shared interests and find communities within communities.

Compassion

As Kristen Neff’s research indicates, we benefit from warmth, kindness, and understanding for ourselves and others when faced with shortcomings, disappointments, losses, transitions, and challenges. Many of us struggle to practice self-compassion when we are feeling low or down on ourselves. To develop compassion, for yourself or for others, consider what you might say to a friend who was in the same situation. Try those same words on yourself!

Hope

According to Charles Snyder, a specialist in positive psychology, hope is the optimistic expectation for positive outcomes. Hope is rooted in having goals with various pathways and the agency to achieve them. To develop hope, we must realistically consider our dreams and aspirations and the ways we can achieve them. This can often be productively addressed in therapy.

We can also cultivate hope by reaching out to our support systems and taking care of ourselves through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep. If you are reading this and feeling hopeless, please reach out for help to someone close to you or a trained professional, such as a doctor or therapist. You can find crisis resources here.

Ownership

We have a natural right to bodily integrity. In other words, we have exclusive control of our lives. Self-ownership is rooted in the principles of equality, choice, and self-love.

Ownership is often a natural byproduct of hope. To cultivate ownership, we can make a list of outcomes (not activites) that we can reasonably expect to achieve.

Respect

Respect for ourselves and others reflects an overall emotional evaluation of our own worth. This evaluation is often rooted in having confidence and dignity in our appearance, talents, and gifts.

To practice respect, we can engage in self-esteem building exercises. These exercises might include thinking positively about ourselves, acknowledging our strengths, and taking care of ourselves.

Empowered individuals are better able to empower others. By following these steps, we can begin to create a more just and compassionate world for all. If you aren’t sure how to begin, I encourage you to reach out for help. A compassionate, qualified counselor can offer support and guidance.

Did you know that the trait known as self-esteem or self-worth can greatly impact your mood? It can also affect your behavior and decisions. Self-worth is linked to higher levels of happiness and lower levels of stress. Meanwhile, someone with low self-esteem may experience shame, social isolation, and self-criticism.

These quotes and sayings about self-worth are for you. You can download them to keep as a personal reminder to value yourself. Or you can share them on social media as a reminder to your loved ones!

Self-worth can encourage habits that increase mental well-being. When the self is valued, we may be more likely to take good care of ourselves. One sign of high self-esteem is the ability to show yourself compassion. And when you can have compassion for yourself, you may be more likely to extend it to others. This can create a positive feedback loop that makes it easier for you to be kind to yourself and others! [fat_widget_right]

You may need a self-worth boost if you say negative things about yourself that you would never say to someone else. This habit, called negative self-talk, can increase negative emotions like worry, sadness, and powerlessness. Many people go through periods of low self-worth after a stressful or traumatic life event. If you are going through divorce, job loss, legal trouble, or something else, it is important to be kind to yourself and remember how valuable you are.

If you feel like low self-esteem is getting you down, talking to a therapist or counselor may help. Therapy can help you address what may be causing your feelings of low self-worth. It can also teach you strategies for boosting your self-confidence.

Reference:

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003, May 1). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 1(4), 1-44. doi: 10.1111/1529-1006.01431

Some sayings might be well-intended, but that doesn’t make them true, let alone easy to hear. Case in point: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.”

The people who come to me for help tend to hate that thought. “If I knew how to love myself more,” they say, “I would have started long ago. In fact, I wouldn’t even be in therapy if I had that figured out.”

Improving self-esteem seems to some to be an impossible task. But each time, as we explore it together, similar themes come to the foreground. After years of figuring it out with people from all sorts of backgrounds and at all levels of self-confidence, I’ve come up with a few main components of esteem work.

Here are the key factors, in my experience:

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1. Accept That You Are Flawed

The first step toward liking yourself is accepting all parts of yourself. Most people are at least slightly perfectionistic, with an unrealistic expectation that there’s someone out there who can be right or good all the time. (Not only is this impossible, it would make you insufferable.) Self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love, which means you expect and allow yourself to mess up sometimes and are gentle with yourself when you do.

This is very different from excusing bad behavior or never asking yourself to grow and change. Instead, it’s about having compassion and kindness toward yourself when you fail, with the knowledge that if you want to change, using a gentle desire to do better is far more productive than viciously beating yourself up.

2. Be Curious About Yourself

You can’t love what you don’t know, so an important step to increasing self-confidence is to learn who you truly are. Often, by early adulthood, people have created a blanket definition of themselves based on their experiences and what others have told them. “I’m shy” or “I have an anger issue” become messages they’ve accepted and no longer question. Even if you’re shy or angry, though, this is only one small part of you.

When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love.

Another way of not seeing or knowing your full self is when you pick and choose what you let others see. By showing only the parts of yourself that you think look best to others, you hide other pieces which are equally important and valid.

When you take time to examine who you are and who you want to be, you get more clarity about all of you—not just the elements that others have liked or disliked. You can gain insight into how you see yourself: your goals and ambitions, your flaws and failures, where you would like to grow. When you have all the pieces straight, you can start to accept them and integrate them into a real, full picture of yourself.

3. Practice Compassion

It’s a thin line between having compassion for yourself and having it for others. Working on both pieces at the same time is helpful. Often if a person in therapy finds it too tough to start with being kind to themselves, we pivot to working on being kinder to others.

One interesting way to gauge if you’re compassionate to others is to ask if you feel like others are judging you. Although it sounds conflicting, a worry that you are being judged is often an indication you have been taught to judge others. Maybe you came from a household where people’s clothes or weight or religiosity was criticized, and you find yourself as an adult having the same strict rules of behavior for others. It might be hard, then, not to imagine that people are doing the same thing to you. If you were disparaged by family or peers, you might have learned to carry this voice of disapproval inside of you. You might have even come to believe people were disliking you when, in reality, you were disliking yourself.

Having compassion for others is good practice for being kinder to ourselves. Think about letting others off the hook for bad behavior or not living up to your standards. Then try to move that same kind of understanding and gentleness back to yourself so you can realize everyone messes up sometimes. You may be surprised how your perspective shifts from one of distrust to one of tolerance.

Conclusion

Any of these three components of building self-esteem can be worked on by yourself or with the help of a professional. When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love. Even if you need not love yourself to find love, it’s worth learning how to do so anyway. It feels good to be the best version of yourself possible.

Approximately 10-13% of school-aged children in the United States experience rejection by their peers. Children who feel rejected may have a higher risk of decreased academic performance, experiencing bullying, or becoming bullies themselves. They can also have higher chances of developing mental health issues including depression and anxiety, behavior problems, and isolation (Nixon, 2010).

The ‘I Am’ Message

Children perceive the world differently than adults. As children interact in social settings, they receive messages about themselves and who they are. For example, if a child gets a B on a test and their parents praise their hard work and good grade, the child might receive the message, “I am smart,” “I am capable,” or “I am loved.” If the parents respond by asking why they didn’t get an A and expressing disappointment, the child might receive the message, “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am a bad person.”

The “I am” message a child receives might seem extreme for the situation, but in reality, children learn about who they are through interactions with parents, primarily, and peers, secondarily. [fat_widget_right]

When ‘I Am’ Messages Grow Up

Many “I am” messages are carried into teenage years and adulthood, where they affect how a person relates to others at work and in relationships. “I am” messages can also influence behavior and are often reinforced by continued experiences and interactions with others. For example, a teen who received the message “I am unworthy” as a child might stay in an abusive relationship longer than someone who received the message “I am worthy,” because deep within them exists the belief that they are unworthy and do not deserve more respect or better treatment. Being mistreated by their partner reinforces the negative “I am” message that they are not worthy. This can easily become a cycle and develop into a pattern for adult relationships as well.

There is good news for primary caregivers: The parent-child relationship is often the most influential in a child’s life. This means you, as a parent, have the power to help your child. When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

Tips for Helping Kids Process Rejection

How do you help your child deal with peer rejection? Below are a few things you, as a parent or guardian, can do to help your child when they are rejected by their peers.

• Create a safe space: If your child talks to you about being rejected by their peers, listen to their story without judging or shaming them for not standing up for themselves. If your child does not talk to you about being rejected, but you have noticed they are having a difficult time interacting positively with peers, talk to them about it when they are in a neutral mood. Let them know what you notice, focusing on your observations rather than your feelings, and provide space for them to share their perspective.
• Identify the “I am” message: Make note of the “I am” message your child has received and help them differentiate who they are (“I am”) from how they feel (“I feel”).  Help them gauge their feelings by reflecting on the story they tell and their facial expressions and body language. When you help your child notice how they feel, they will be able to separate their negative feelings from who they are.
• Empower them: Don’t rush to solve problems for your child (even though it might be tempting to do so). Empower them by allowing them to sort through different ideas about how to respond to peer rejection. Value their ideas and ask if they need you to support them in any way. Before you make the teacher aware of the situation, talk to your child about it and hear their perspective on that decision; they may have valid reasons for not involving the teacher.
• Help them connect: Remind them it is impossible to get along with everyone, but people with whom we have a lot in common can be good friends. Help your child identify their likes and dislikes and identify peers who have the same interests. Talk to your child about how to use common interests to approach peers.
• Contact a therapist: If you have tried to help your child but would like more guidance on how to best support them, contact a therapist in your area. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions and clear-cut solutions, so don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. A therapist can be a good option for your child, since they are a neutral person your child can talk to without worrying about how it could impact them in school or at home. One good option is a play therapist, because they can teach your child social skills and coping strategies through play. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might also be a good option if your child continues to hold on to negative “I am” messages.

Remember: you have the power to help your child, and your relationship with them is the most influential. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Everyone can use a little help sometimes.

Reference:

1. McKown, C., Gumbiner, L. M., Russo, N. M., & Lipton, M. (2009). Social-emotional learning skill, self-regulation, and social competence in typically developing and clinic-referred children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 38(6), 858-871. doi: 10.1080/15374410903258934
2. Nixon, R. (2010, February 2). Studies reveal why kids get bullied and rejected. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/6032-studies-reveal-kids-bullied-rejected.html