Most of us have been hurt by others several times. And, of course, this comes with a lot of pain, anger, and sadness. And then, being full of negative and painful feelings, we feel the need to blame the responsible ones. 

Those feelings can haunt us until we manage to forgive the one who hurt/betrayed us. Forgiveness does not mean that we forget the harm and the pain we suffered or that we should rebuild the relationship with those that hurt us. Forgiveness means letting go of resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and sadness, accepting the whole experience and moving on [1].

Forgiving others can be quite challenging. But what happens when the perpetrator is us? What if it is us that caused all the painful, guilty, hostile, and shameful feelings? According to research, it is much harder to forgive ourselves than the others [2].  

This article will cover:

• The definition of forgiveness and self-forgiveness.
• Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? 
• Tips to forgive yourself.

Self-Forgiveness 

“Self-forgiveness” can be about forgiving the self for harming the self (intrapersonal self-forgiveness) and about forgiving the self for harming someone else (interpersonal self-forgiveness). As with “forgiveness”, “self-forgiveness” means that we show compassion to ourselves, deliberately releasing the anger, guilt, and pain, reaching an internal sense of peace and learning from the previous mistakes. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxKxi8iM-lw 

Why Is It Hard to Forgive Ourselves?  

Undoubtedly, many times we engage in actions that are not in line with our values. Every time we act in the wrong way according to us, we create a cognitive dissonance. That means, that because we acted against our ethical values, we feel an internal inconvenience and not satisfied with our side.

As a result, we need to do something to fix the situation. And since, it is impossible to delete our action and hard to forgive ourselves for the pain we provoked, it is easier to start punishing ourselves for it.

And I am definitely not saying that we enjoy it. Most of us, we really want to forgive ourselves and move on instead of punishing ourselves. But why do we get stuck in self-loathing? Why can’t we move on and let go of the anger and pain? Harmful self-directed behaviors that happen consciously or unconsciously are hindering our self-forgiveness.   

Do You Engage in Negative Self-Talk?

Engaging in negative self-talk is the first obstacle to achieve self-forgiveness.  After being aware that we have done something wrong, we can engage in negative self-criticism and self-talk. For example, a student did not study for an exam and then he/she failed. Afterwards, feeling of guiltiness and anger come in the surface and then he/she starts having thoughts such as “Why can I be responsible for once? I am always like this, I will always be a loser, I am a failure”. Instead of focusing on the wrong behavior and making a plan to correct it, we keep judging ourselves for the mistake we made, and we keep talking to ourselves like we are our worst enemy [2].  

Do You Dwell on Your Mistakes?

Rumination is another enemy to self-forgiveness [3].  According to Watkins, 2008, “Rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences” [4].

This means that we dwell on our mistakes, and we keep reproducing them on our minds.  As a result, we feel again and again the anger, sadness, guiltiness, and shame we felt the first time, getting stuck in the same vicious circle.

Experimental studies manipulating rumination have indicated that rumination exacerbates our negative feelings and negative self-talk. It is like we keep beating up ourselves over and over again, strengthening the negative feelings Focusing on the negative experience, feelings and thoughts, we tend to consider the mistakes we made as something irreversible.

Moreover, rumination interferes with effective problem-solving [4]. Since we only focus repeatedly on the negative feelings and thoughts, it is very hard to move on the solution and to realize how we can accept the situation and forgive ourselves.  

Our own cognitive biases can hinder the process of self-forgiveness. Cognitive biases are the unhelpful thinking habits that we have developed during our life.  

Do You Magnify Negative Situations?

The “Magnification” cognitive bias refers to our tendency to “exaggerate or magnify either the negative importance or consequence of some personal trait, event, or circumstance” [5]. More precisely, some people might have the habit to magnify the negative situations and as a consequence, they consider their mistake so huge, that they could never forgive themselves.

Hence, the more we magnify the importance of the mistake we made, the more negative feelings we feel and the hardest it is to forgive ourselves.  

Do You Create Should Statements?

Another important cognitive bias that obstacle self-forgiveness is named “Should Statements”. Many of us have a pattern of expectations or demands on ourselves and then, we measure our success according to those demands. For instance, we might think “I should not have done this”, “this is not how it should be”, “I should not make mistakes”. Those statements cannot always be realistic. However, since we set those unrealistic expectations to ourselves, we tend to feel as a failure every time we do not meet them. In the end, we feel unable to forgive ourselves for all the things we should have been, but we are not [5].  

Do You Think of Your Mistakes in Black & White?

The last cognitive bias that I would like to mention is the “Dichotomous/Black-and-White Thinking”.  According to Beck, this is “the tendency to view all experiences as fitting into one of two categories (e.g., positive or negative; good or bad) without the ability to place oneself, others, and experiences along a continuum.

For example, after having made a mistake, we might think that we have completely messed up with everything in life, feeling like there is nothing good in us anymore. We feel that we can be either incredibly good or awfully bad. We do not see ourselves as a whole individual that can makes good or bad actions. This way of thinking can make it extremely hard for us to forgive ourselves, since we feel like we did something so terrible, that nothing could make it better [5] 

 Steps to forgive ourselves 

Self-forgiveness is associated with good mental health [6]. According to a meta-analysis of David et al, (2015), forgiveness of self is positively related to psychological well-being, life satisfaction, meaning, as well as it is negative related to anxiety and depression [6].

Moreover, self-forgiveness is found to reduce feelings of shame and self-punishment without excusing the behavior of the perpetrator. Individuals who forgive themselves still take responsibility for their actions but have fewer feelings of shame and self-condemnation.   

The most important component of self- forgiveness is showing self-compassion [7].  According to Neff (2011) [7], self-compassion has three components.   

Component 1: Self-Kindness

 The first one is self-kindness, a tendency to apply a caring, rather than judgmental, attitude toward one’s personal failures. For example, instead of negatively criticizing yourself about a potential mistake you made, you could take a different spin on this and be kind to yourself.

How can you do this? You could ask yourself:

• “What would I say to my best friend if he/she did the same mistake?
• How would I talk to my future child about a this?
• How would I want my parents to talk to me about this?”

By answering to these questions, you could replace your inner “judger” with a more realistic and kind inner self-talk  and avoid your negative cognitive biases.   

Component 2: Common Humanity

The second one is common humanity, “the recognition that it is only “human” to make mistakes and that one’s suffering is shared by others” [7]. This component comes with acceptance of our own mistakes.

According to Neff (2003), [7], acceptance involves acknowledging that one has a flaw or shortcoming, or that a negative event, such as a failure, has occurred—and embracing it as a part of oneself.

Acceptance does not mean that we justify a wrong behavior or that we avoid the negative experience, but it means that we accept our imperfections, trying to understand our mistakes and grow from them, having a kind stance toward ourselves.  You can achieve self-acceptance through mindfulness techniques (see next paragraph). 

Component 3: Mindfulness

The third component of self-compassion is mindfulness [7].  Mindfulness is the ability to be in the present moment, observing one’s experience non-judgmentally, without getting overwhelmed by this and without trying to change it [8].

By being mindful, you will be able to accept the situation easier and to become detached from the painful feelings. One easy way to achieve mindfulness is through focusing your attention to your breath. Every breath you take comes only once. You can never take a previous breath again or a future one. Hence, every time you focus your attention to your breathing, you know you are in the present moment.

Another way that mindfulness can be achieved is by observing three items around you that you can touch, taste, see, and hear.

A third way is through mediation. Meditation will help you stay in the present moment, acknowledge and observe your experience, thoughts and feelings, take a distance from them and let go what no longer serves you.  

Another step that you could take to make your way easier to self-forgiveness is to identify and recognize your negative thoughts and cognitive biases. You can achieve this by journaling and writing down those thoughts or your inner self-talk [9].

If you struggle identifying your thoughts, you can let your feelings guide you to them. Every time you have an inconvenient feeling, ask yourself “what goes on through my mind right now?” After having identified some critic or negative thoughts, try to write down a more compassionate or realistic response. For instance, a response to the thought “I should not have done this mistake” could be “I recognize that my behavior was not the expected one, but as a human being, sometimes I make mistakes. This does not mean that I am a failure or that I am bad. I will try to learn from this experience and grow”.  

The way to self-forgiveness can be long and comes with lots of ups and downs, but it is definitely worth doing the first step and start. It is of high importance to know when to ask for professional help. A psychotherapist can always help you identify your thoughts, “difficult” feelings, accept your experience and process your trauma.  

 

 The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful to you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today!

 

 

Being hurt and having disappointments in life are universal equalizers, as is the need to forgive. When we think of forgiveness, we often focus on the need to forgive people who have harmed us and those who have not been available in the ways we hoped they would be. One topic of forgiveness that often gets lost in the proverbial shuffle is self-forgiveness.

As we walk through life, it is so easy to recall and recount the many ways that people around us have done us wrong. What is often far more difficult (and humbling) is to remember that we too are human beings. We too have most likely done things we are ashamed about or have harmed another person (even unintentionally).

In the process of healing from our past traumas and wounds, we are unlikely to fully recover if we avoid the very important step of looking at the disappointments and hurts we might have inflicted upon others.

Sometimes in life, even when we are trying to be as perfect as perfect can be, we can still be neglectful of the people we love most or fail to live up to standards others may have set for us. And even when we have tried our very best, there are still things in our pasts and in our stories that need to be addressed. We need to examine these things in order to move forward with our heads held high.

3-Step Process on How To Forgive Yourself:

1. Tell the truth.

 You may try to distract yourself from guilt or self-disappointment by focusing on other parts of your life. But we know deep down inside when we have done something we aren’t proud of.

Here is the thing. It is literally impossible to avoid making mistakes. As a human being, there is absolutely zero way to get out of this life without having things you are sorry you have done. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, you can not only see the patterns of your past, but also to start your life with a clean slate.

Telling the truth about your mistakes may or may not involve sharing them with another person. Maybe it involves you getting out a notebook and writing everything that comes to mind. Maybe it is sharing your past aloud with a safe friend. Whichever way you do it, getting all the secrets and pain out of your head is a great first step toward total self-forgiveness.

We can’t go anywhere if we don’t let go of from where we have come. Getting utterly honest about your past and the secrets you carry is a very important first step.

Note: There is a huge difference between shame around abuse others inflicted on you as a child or vulnerable victim and feeling authentic guilt about ghosting a friend or walking out on a job. Shame for things that were never your fault is not the same thing as taking radical responsibility for your adult choices.

2. Sit with the feelings.

When we have a backlog of guilt and remorse in our lives, it can be so scary to open up those emotions. To slow down. To sit still. To feel the consequences of not only the actions that we regret, but also the feelings we have been stuffing down in order to avoid the guilt.

Sitting with your feelings doesn’t mean sitting in a chair and staring out and being emotional all day. It just means that when the sadness, guilt, fear, or anger arise, to avoid shoving or hiding them away again. Even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can practice that action one uncomfortable feeling at a time. Sitting with your feelings can be a life-changing opportunity.

Some productive ways to “sit with feelings” can include daily journaling or listening to music that allows the feelings to come to the surface. You could also talk to a safe person who can handle your emotions and your pain. You may even write a letter (that you may or may not ever give) to the person you may have treated poorly.

3. Don’t forget the pain you’ve caused yourself.

Adding yourself to the list of things you are forgiving yourself for sounds  counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But in reality, you are the most important name on your list!

This step is about taking stock of how much time you have spent beating yourself up for being imperfect.

How many ways have you shown disdain for yourself?

How often have you avoided your feelings by taking part in unhealthy behaviors?

How many times have you neglected yourself by under-eating or under-sleeping?

How many times and ways have you not shown yourself the love and acceptance that are your birthright to deserve?

This step is about turning your self-forgiveness even deeper towards yourself. It is about forgiving yourself for all the times you did not forgive yourself.

Steps 2 and 3 are a lifelong process. They are about learning the art of sitting with discomfort, while at the same time learning to practice radical self-acceptance. These are not basic things. These are advanced-level skills. With long-term practice comes growth, but never total perfection.

If you are ready to dive into a journey of self-forgiveness, I would recommend working with a seasoned counselor who can help you cope with some of the really intense feelings that may arise. As with all things that are hard, it is a good idea to ask for help. Remember, no matter who you are, that you never have to do life totally alone.

Healing emotional wounds is a process of self-exploration, one that can provide endless benefits no matter what stage of life you are in. Resentment and self-loathing can be scarring if allowed to fester. Forgiveness is the best antidote for this toxicity, whether it’s asking someone to forgive you, forgiving someone who has hurt you, or forgiving yourself.

Before you get started on this healing journey, it’s important to know that forgiveness isn’t the same thing as wiping the slate clean. “Forgive” and “forget” are not helpful together. In order to move forward, you must recognize the truth of what happened. When you acknowledge what happened and accept that you can’t change the past, you find the motivation to do something of value for yourself: forgive and heal.

Expressing your forgiveness directly to the person who hurt you isn’t always necessary or possible. Forgiving someone is for your benefit, not theirs. The process of forgiveness and the release of thoughts and feelings that have kept you tied to the past can be done without the other person’s participation. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the regrets or resentments that eat up your valuable energy.

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Before you can forgive, it’s important to fully experience and let out the feelings tied to the emotional wound—anger, sadness, shame, fear, etc. Sometimes, writing a letter expressing how you feel can help you let go of negative emotions. You don’t have to mail the letter. Burning it may feel better.

Forgiving yourself can be more difficult than forgiving someone else. It requires acknowledging what you did and recognizing the damage it did to yourself or others. For forgiveness to work, you have to recognize that you made a mistake—or many of them—and understand that if you knew then what you know now, you would have done things differently.

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Situations, and the appropriate responses to them, are always clearer when looking back. The best you can do is accept what happened and make the best of the situation you’re in now. Mindfulness can be useful in exploring why you did what you did. Gratitude can also be helpful because it allows you to move toward change. Atonement, making amends to the person you hurt or their symbolic representative, is a powerful way of moving toward self-forgiveness.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

When considering whether to forgive someone, it can be helpful to consider their life experiences. This doesn’t mean excusing them for what they did. But the more you know about the forces that led to someone’s choices and actions toward you, the more clearly you can see the inherent imperfection of being human.

For example, let’s say your father left your family when you were young, and you just received a letter from him asking for your forgiveness. Would knowing the forces that drove his actions—his abandonment by his own father, his young age when he had you, his alcoholism—excuse his action? No, but it might make it easier to see his humanness and forgive him. Compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, either. You can say both “I forgive you” and “I don’t want you in my life.”

To forgive yourself and others, try to soften your stance on being human and understand that people are fallible. But also recognize that when people know better, they tend to do better. The self-exploration that leads to healing contains a lot of learning to know better.

Letting go of resentments and regrets—in other words, practicing forgiveness— requires learning from and finding meaning in your emotional wounds. You can transcend suffering by making meaning out of your hurt and learning what it has to teach you. You can make yourself better for having endured it, but first you must go through it. You have to accept, experience, process, and release to heal and come out stronger. As author Haruki Murakami tells us, “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, contact a compassionate therapist who can help.