Yoga session Have you awakened to a deeper sense of yourself, a connection to something beyond the physical world? A shift in spiritual consciousness can be a powerful and transformative experience, but it’s accompanied by a spectrum of emotions.  

While this journey can be exciting, it can also be challenging and overwhelming sometimes including an increase in anxiety or other mental health symptoms.  

As you navigate this new terrain, you might find yourself seeking guidance and support to understand your experiences, integrate them into your life, and find balance. This is where a therapist who understands your spiritual journey can be invaluable. 

The Journey of Spiritual Awakening 

Spiritual awakening is a personal process, but it often involves a shift in consciousness. You may experience heightened senses, a connection to nature that feels deeper than ever before, or a feeling of oneness with all things.  

You might also have vivid dreams, receive messages through intuition, or have a newfound sense of purpose. This expansion of spiritual consciousness can be incredibly exciting, but it can also be disorienting. 

Traditional Therapy and Holistic Therapy Explored 

Traditional therapy is important, and it can be helpful to improve mental health symptoms. It often focuses primarily on the mind and behavior which can be very helpful. However, it might not resonate with you if you’re seeking a holistic approach that integrates your spirituality and intuition. Holistic therapy, on the other hand, takes into account all of you; mind, body, and spirit.  

Perhaps you’ve had experiences like: 

Benefits of Therapy for the Spiritually Awakened 

The good news is, there are therapists who specialize in working with spiritually conscious individuals. These therapists understand the importance of intuition and spirituality in your healing journey. They can create a safe space for you to explore these aspects of yourself, helping you integrate your beliefs and abilities into your everyday life. 

Here’s what you can expect from a therapist who embraces your spiritual awakening: 

Finding the Perfect Fit 

Ultimately, the most important thing is finding a therapist who feels like the right fit for you.  

Don’t be afraid to interview a few therapists before making a decision. Here are some tips for finding a therapist who aligns with your needs: 

happy smiling young woman patient and woman psychologist at psychotherapy session

Living Your Awakening 

Integrating your spiritual awakening into your daily life is an ongoing process. Finding a therapist who resonates with your journey can be an expansive tool for growth and self-discovery.  

Trust your intuition, ask questions, and work with a therapist who understands and embraces the whole you. 

Middle aged woman working in flower bed using gardening tools.On doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us.  

-Reed Maxwell, Ph.D., ABPP (Clinical)  

One of the most common obstacles people confront in psychotherapy, especially in therapies using behavioral techniques, is inertia. 

In physics, inertia means (1) a thing that is not moving will stay not moving; or, (2) a thing that is moving in a specific direction will stay moving in that direction unless or until some force compels either one to do differently. 

When we feel depressed or otherwise down, apathetic, helpless, and so on, we often experience a psychological inertia of sorts. We find it difficult to do things that we know would be good for us to do (we stay at rest), or conversely, we find it difficult to stop doing things that we know are not good for us to do (we stay in motion). Depression seems to quash our capacity (force) to do differently. It renders us inert. For simplicity, we will use “depression” as shorthand for a spectrum of negative feelings. 

People often express their experience of inertia by saying, in one way or another, “I know I should do differently, but I can’t seem to make myself.” Oftentimes, people feel additional guilt, shame, and anger at themselves about this experience. These additional feelings make matters worse. 

Wanting: The Missing Link Between Knowing and Doing? 

When I ask folks why they cannot “make themselves” do things, they might say, in one way or another, “I want to do it, but I also don’t ‘want’ to do it.” They seem to mean, “I know I would do well to do this, but I don’t have the want required to make the doing happen.” Many people seem to pinpoint a lack of want as the missing link between (a) knowing or believing that doing a thing would be good for them; and, (b) doing the thing. 

So why does want go away? To put it roughly, when we feel depressed, we often feel less satisfied, gratified, pleased, and so on, by the things we do. And naturally, when we feel fewer or less of these feelings after we do those things, we experience less interest in doing or motivation to do them. Psychologists call this lack of interest or motivation anhedonia. 

And yet, we know there are some things we simply must do. Furthermore, we often surmise we might at least stave off worse feelings if we do some of them. 

And so, we ask ourselves, “How do we do things that would be good for us to do when we don’t want to do them?” There is no simple answer, but, I have some thoughts. 

Some of what follows might strike some readers as overly dense, abstract, or otherwise “heady.” Please bear with me. 

Does Not Wanting to Do Mean We Can’t Do? A Cognitive Approach

First, let’s talk about what it means to want. Sometimes, we do things in life because we want the experiences of doing them. For example, we want to eat our favorite foods because we want the experiences of eating them, and we want to listen to our favorite songs because we want the experiences of listening to them. On the other hand, we do many other things in life without wanting the experiences of doing them. For example, we wash our bedding, clean our toilets, pay our bills and so forth, often without wanting the experiences of doing them. We do such things because we want the outcomes or effects of doing them (e.g., fresh bedding, clean toilets, paid bills and so forth). 

In effect, we either want to do a thing for the sake of doing it or we want to do a thing for the sake of its consequence(s) or outcome(s). 

From what I have observed, depression disrupts either or both types of want. Sometimes, less severe depression seems to diminish the first type of want (wanting to do a thing for the sake of doing it) while leaving the second type (wanting to do a thing for the sake of its outcome) mostly unimpacted. On the other hand, more severe depression seems to disrupt both. 

When depression takes away want, we might look at how we can start doing without wanting. 

As we have noted, many folks seem to believe, without question, that wanting must or should come before doing. Consequently, we fret about our lack of wanting (e.g., we berate ourselves for “not caring enough” or for “being unmotivated”) when we feel depressed, and we hope that we will start wanting again so that we can start doing again. Many times, this fretting about not wanting and waiting to want again only worsens our depression. In these times, our belief that wanting must or should come before doing gets in our way (i.e., it leads us to feel unhelpful secondary emotions about our lack of want) 

Getting Wanting Out of the Way 

Can we move away from the belief that we must or should want to do before we can do and move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not? If we can, then we might surprise ourselves with what we can do after we (1) stop fretting about not wanting; and, (2) stop waiting to want to do again. 

However, the belief that wanting must or should come before doing is a deep belief for many of us. So, we might begin to counter this belief using cognitive and behavioral strategies that help us start doing things again when wanting to do them is not happening. For example, here are two affirmations to help us move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not: 

  1. “I am not bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not wanting to do things at the moment.” 
  1. “I am able to do even if I do not want to do” 

From here, psychotherapy can help us further strategize how to get things done without want. 

Find a “Workaround” Want 

Two middle aged women sitting outdoors together in garden, backyard with mugs of teaSometimes, if we do not want to do a thing for either the experience of doing it or the outcome(s) that happen(s) from doing it, we might be able to associate doing it with some other experience or outcome that we do want. We can then use this “workaround want” to help us do the thing. Here are some examples of workaround wants: 

Psychotherapy can help us identify our unique workaround wants that we can use to help us do things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us. 

Appeal to Reason 

Sometimes, an appeal to reason or logic might compel us to do things whether we want to do them or not. We may consider this line of reasoning where X stands for anything that would be good for us to do: 

  1. We have evidence that not doing X means that we feel or will feel either the same or worse than we presently do 
  1. We do not know how we will feel if we do X consistently (e.g., for one week or longer) 
  1. Not wanting to do X right now is not evidence that doing X consistently will make us feel no differently from how we feel right now (see WE UNDERESTIMATE THE REWARD WE WILL FEEL) 
  1. If continuing to not do X means feeling the same or worse, and doing X consistently means we might feel differently, then it is reasonable to do X consistently whether we want to do it or not (i.e., it is reasonable to find out what will happen) 

We Underestimate the Reward We Will Feel 

Most of us can remember a time or times when we did something we either (a) did not want to do; or, (b) had never done before, and were pleasantly surprised by how much fun we had, how interesting it was, and so on. 

Oftentimes, I ask people to consider these times when they feel depressed and do not want to do things they either know or at least suspect would be good for them to do. 

Researchers and experienced therapists agree that we often underestimate the amount of satisfaction we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. 

Consequently, we have good reason to assume that we will feel better than we think we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. We can use this assumption to help us do things when we do not want to do them while depressed. 

Summary

As we have noted, doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the most common and recurring problems folks encounter in psychotherapy. Nevertheless, psychotherapy can help us find ways to overcome psychological inertia and get back to doing the things that are good for us to do. 

 

GoodTherapy | Authenticity: on Inciting a Revolution in Your SoulWhen you live from your intuitive core, your belly, your heart, let your soul lead and spirit guide you, your words and actions will be naturally subversive.

You will go to your edge. You will soften. Become wildly tender.

The question is, will you wholly inhabit your own revolution? In beauty? This inner revolution is a perpetual ceremony of the heart. It’s what you are for.

When you are real, cooked down to the essence, rather than half-baked to get approval, to look good, the projections from others may fly, seek you out, and try to stick to you. Don’t let them. Instead, let your authenticity support you in carrying on whole-hearted, vulnerable conversations to resolve whatever arises. It is hard work. Uncomfortable. Deeply human. Can be harrowing. And often downright amazing. Intimate. Naked. Courageous work is marked by our solid presence. Here. Now.

I’d rather be whole than good, C. G. Jung said. And by whole, he meant real, messy, ensouled, deeply human, heartbroken open with compassion flowing first to ourselves, to resource and prepare to let it flow widely, to others.

Being too comfortable, amenable, pliable to the point of contorting yourself — is a ticket to selling your soul right up the river. Don’t buy it. When you live from your own knowingness, from your gut and your wildly-rooted intelligence, you feel alive. Genuinely, creatively alive.

What is Your Authentic Self? 

Being real — true to your Self, your soul — is gritty. And grit causes friction, and makes fire to clear the way for living a revolutionary act. This act is marked by the action that the earth and the soul of the world are crying out for. And the cry is going to get louder, more pain-filled, and grievous before enough souls answer wholeheartedly.

When you get real, it is actually not about you. Your individual program is only the ground from which you step. From which you step and choose whether you will make this life of yours a walk of grit and beauty, or one of accommodation to the forces that insist you do it their way, be well-behaved, produce, consume, make nice, and as the poet, Mary Oliver says, “barely breathing and calling it a life.”

Thing is we’re not talking a self-improvement project; that’s only the gateway. We are being used, so to speak; one way or the other, we go consciously, or we are abducted — individually and collectively, now. So it’s a great time to dive in.

When we realize we have no choice but to offer ourselves up — like a sacrifice — to the mystery of being alive, this guidance insists on shaping us as a soul-centered contributor. And we’re in it! Soul’s got us. And the mystery carries us along. We’re goners to those egoic, mechanistic, competitive ways; the ways that have undone the earth and so many souls who walk the earth, swim her waters, send roots down into her, and watch from the skies.

To inhabit your own core, your vital, knowing center, and a soul-centered way of being, you need to do the inner excavation. What we call, in Jungian psychology-speak, Shadow work and in shamanic-speak, Underworld soul work, including ego-dismemberment work to heal old wounds and retrieve parts of your soul you had otherwise disowned or split off. We need these pieces of our souls, as well as aspects of our bodies, and our connection with Spirit, and with the earth, along with the Other-than-human-ones and wild intelligent forms of life — to feel deliciously alive, ready to roll, to care for our own souls and look out for others. 

This is real adult work, asking everything of you. And will alter your world completely, but before that happens you’ll be met with severing old ways, dismemberment, metaphoric death, dreams, visions — both lovely and horrifically heart-pounding, yummy, gut-wrenching, Beauty, raging tears, sweet snot, broken open heart, blue-shimmering darkness, warm, comforting light. Rebirth. Love. Hope. A deep sense of connection with it all. And a palpable knowing of what you are for.

So it’s a slow dive, a conscious descent into the depths of your soul, the dark ground of your being and your dreams: the Underworld of your psyche. This is vital work — no way around it — to discover what you’ve tucked away in the archetypal Shadow of your own psyche. If you’re lucky you will unearth what you had otherwise disowned to adapt to the egoic, mechanistic, competitive, earth-ravaging ways of modern Western culture. And most often, these pieces of your otherwise whole psyche that you had disowned are what makes you utterly You. Beautifully. Creatively. Wildly alive. Authentically so. You. And you are needed here.

Your essential soul’s powers — what you were born with before you lost track of them and they, you — are to be found there, in that excavation into your dark depths, awaiting you to carry them home like mama leopard carries kitties. With a fierce tenderness, knowing that all life — yours, your beloveds, the earth, humans, and other than humans — is at stake. The world needs you to be fully alive. Real. The world needs you to find, bring home, and embody your soul’s gifts and healing powers. It’s messy work. It’s what we are for.

When you are transparent, you will stand out as you are truly seen. When you are transparent, others can “see through” you into you as your heart and true essence shine. You are clear, direct, and kind. You are not an enigma; you don’t leave people scratching their heads wondering what you just said and did.

You do not hide. You are honest to the bone. You are courage enfleshed.

What Does it Mean to be Congruent? 

When you are congruent, you are wholistically aligned. What you think, say, feel in your heart, feel in your body, and your actions will line up to support and reflect each other. You know it in your body, often in your gut, when you put your attention there.

Congruent. Authenticity happens in the guts and bowels of your life. Being authentic is the grunt work of the soul, of any deeply human, spiritual path. Being half here, half there, half-hearted, faking it to look good, strategizing to make things easier for yourself — that’s the common way of the unconscious clotted middle, driven by our egoic, addicted culture. It’s a way that lacks wholeheartedness. Lacks real courage to let the heartbreak. Shatter. Broken whole and holy open to finally know compassion for self, others, and earth. To live and love — on fire, fully alive. 

Being authentic and soul-centered costs you your ticket to ride from the collective mainstream to the illusion of safety and security. And opens the door to your bloody and glistening, broken whole heart — reveals to you the honey of this wildly delicious, messy life. Leaves you and those you touch, feeling radically free. Without choice now. Solid and light. Authenticity strips away all that is NOT real. All that is not made from love, to love. All that is of enriched soul and in-spired Spirit remains. There is no living a soul-centered life without being authentic — without mustering the courage to do the excavating in the dark: the Shadow work.

Again, C. G. Jung: “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”

What will you do? 

GoodTherapy | Self-Growth: Depression in Mental HealthDepression is a mental health disorder that affects people of all ages and backgrounds. It can cause feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness, and can interfere with daily life. While depression is a common problem, it is important to seek help in order to overcome it and improve your mental health. 

One way to address depression is through therapy. Therapy involves talking with a professional therapist the process can help you explore your thoughts and emotions, and develop coping skills to manage your depression. There are many types of therapy, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and interpersonal therapy. Each type of therapy has its own benefits, and your therapist can help you determine which type of therapy is best suited for your needs. 

Therapy can help you develop a better understanding of your thoughts and emotions, and can help you identify negative thought patterns that may be contributing to your depression. It can also help you learn coping skills to manage your symptoms and can provide a safe space to talk about your feelings and experiences. 

In addition to therapy, there are many other ways to address depression and improve your mental health. Here are a few tips to help you get started: 

Take care of your physical health. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, and get enough sleep.

These habits can help improve your mood and overall well-being.  

Practice mindfulness or meditation to help manage negative thoughts and emotions. 

Stay connected with others. Reach out to friends and family for support, and consider joining a support group or community organization. 

Practice self-care. Take time to do things that make you happy, such as reading, listening to music, or taking a relaxing bath. 

Limit Alcohol and drug use, as they can worsen depression symptoms 

Consider medication under the guidance of a health care professional if necessary. 

Set goals for yourself. Working towards a goal can give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment, which can help improve your mood. 

Be patient with yourself and recognize that recovering takes time. 

Remember, depression is a treatable condition. With the right support and treatment, you can overcome your depression and improve your mental health. If you are struggling with depression, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Your mental health is important, and there is help available to you. 

Self-growth  

Self-growth is a lifelong journey of personal development and improvement. Here are some ways to foster self-growth. 

Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals to gain insights into areas of growth. 

Step out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself to try new things, take risks, and face fears to develop resilience. 

Set goals. Establish clear, achievable goals that are valuable to you and take consistent steps towards attainment. 

Continue learning: embrace new opportunities to learn new skills, and knowledge through reading and workshops. 

Self-compassion: Practise self-companion and kindness towards yourself, especially during challenging times, to recognize that goals take time and effort. patience is the key. 

Mindfulness practice. cultivate mindfulness through meditation, yoga, and other practices to increase self-awareness emotional regulation, and presence in the moment. 

 Nurture relationships: surround yourself with Supportive friends and individuals who are supportive and encourage personal growth. 

 Embrace failure: View failure as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than setbacks and extract lessons from setbacks to inform future actions. We learn through mistakes. 

Celebrate progress. Acknowledge and celebrate your Achievement and milestone along the way, no matter how small, to reinforce positive momentum and motivation. 

Insight: 

 In my years of working with clients struggling with their depression, I have observed common themes of perfectionism exacerbating their symptoms. 

Many clients I have worked with tend to hold themselves to impossibly high standards leading to feelings of inadequacy and despair when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations. 

Through therapy, I have found that helping client cultivate self-companion is often a key component in their journey toward healing. By encouraging clients to practice self-kindness, mindfulness, and acceptance, they can begin to challenge their negative self-talk and develop a more balanced and forgiving perspective toward themselves. 

One thing that has been particularly effective in my practice is cognitive restructuring, where clients learn to identify and challenge their distorted thoughts and beliefs. By exploring the evidence for and against their self-critical thoughts and compassionate understanding of themselves and their experiences.  

Incorporating self-compassion into therapy fosters emotional resilience and well-being and empowers clients to embrace their vulnerabilities and learn from their struggles. 

NOTE. Self-growth is a continuous process, so be patient, persistent, and open to the journey of becoming the best version of yourself 

In conclusion, 

Self-growth and depression are interconnected, and therapy can play a crucial role in helping you overcome depression and achieve self-growth. By working with a therapist, you can develop a better understanding of your thoughts and emotions and can learn coping skills to manage your symptoms. In addition to therapy, there are many other ways to address depression and improve your mental health. Taking care of your physical health, staying connected with others, practicing self-care, and setting goals for yourself are all important steps towards improving your mental health and achieving self-growth. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles, and there is help available to you. 

Unlocking the Introvert’s Guide to Success in Therapy: 10 Effective StrategiesAre you someone who prefers quiet reflection over loud chatter? If so, stepping into the world of therapy might feel like navigating uncharted territory. But fear not, because we’ve uncovered a treasure trove of strategies designed just for introverts like you. Get ready to discover the secret map to not just surviving but thriving in therapy – all while honoring your introverted nature. 

Tailored Strategies for Introverts to Flourish  

1. Establish Trust

Research shows that the therapeutic alliance, characterized by trust and rapport between therapist and client, is essential for positive therapy outcomes (Smith et al., 2018). For introverts, building trust takes time, but it’s crucial for creating a safe space where they can explore their innermost thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Imagine stepping into a cozy sanctuary, where the air is filled with warmth and understanding. That’s the kind of space therapists can strive to create for introverts. It’s a place where walls come down, and vulnerabilities are not just accepted but embraced.  

2. Dance with Silence

Did you know that silence can be therapeutic? Studies have found that moments of silence during therapy sessions allow clients, especially introverts, to reflect on their thoughts and emotions, leading to deeper insights (Kahn & Kehl, 2018). Therapists who embrace silence create an environment where introverts feel validated and understood. 

3. Empowerment through Expression

Recent research has highlighted the therapeutic benefits of writing, including stress reduction, and improved emotional well-being (Pennebaker, 2018). For introverts who may struggle to express themselves verbally, writing can be a powerful tool for self-expression and introspection. Therapists can incorporate writing exercises or journaling into sessions to help introverts process their thoughts and emotions more effectively. 

 4. Safeguarding Personal Boundaries

Introverts value their personal space and boundaries, and therapists who respect these boundaries can create an environment where introverts feel empowered to explore their inner world at their own pace. Whether it’s physical boundaries, like maintaining a comfortable distance during sessions, or emotional boundaries, like not pushing introverts to share more than they’re comfortable with, respecting boundaries is essential for effective therapy with introverts. 

5. The Power of Choice

Ever heard that having options can make you happier? Well, research by Deci & Ryan (2000) backs that up in therapy too! And for introverts, choice is everything when it comes to communication. Imagine being able to chat via email or messaging – it’s like therapy with your favorite comfy blanket. When therapists offer these choices, introverts can feel more at ease, diving deeper into therapy with confidence. 

6. Journeying Alone

Hey, did you know that while group therapy has its perks, recent studies (Smith & Jones, 2017) show that introverts often lean towards one-on-one sessions? Think of it as having your own cozy corner in therapy – no distractions, just you and your thoughts. These solo sessions can lead to some pretty powerful insights and personal growth.  

7. Mindful Solace

Mindfulness isn’t just a buzzword – it’s a superpower, especially for introverts! According to research (Hofmann et al., 2010), practicing mindfulness can work wonders for reducing anxiety and depression while boosting overall well-being. And for introverts, who often feel bombarded by external stimuli, incorporating mindfulness exercises in therapy sessions is like finding a peaceful oasis in the chaos. It’s all about quieting the noise, finding clarity, and embracing the present moment with open arms. 

8. How Homework Empowers Introverts

Therapy extends beyond the confines of the therapist’s office; it’s an ongoing journey that transcends session boundaries. Homework assignments can offer introverts a valuable opportunity for self-reflection and skill practice outside of therapy. Whether it involves journaling, engaging in mindfulness exercises, or honing communication skills, these assignments empower introverts to actively participate in their own healing process. 

9. Embrace the Introvert Within

Let’s celebrate introversion! It’s not just a trait; it’s a unique strength that deserves recognition. Research (Cain, 2012) highlights the valuable contributions introverts bring to therapy, like their deep introspection and empathy (Laney, 2002). When therapists warmly acknowledge and embrace these qualities, they create an inviting atmosphere where introverts feel truly welcomed and understood. 

10. Together We Thrive

Welcome to the collaborative world of therapy! Here, introverts can thrive when they feel empowered to take an active role in their own healing journey. Inviting introverts to participate in treatment planning, goal setting, and decision-making can give them a sense of ownership and control over their therapy. By working together as a team, therapists and introverted clients may create a therapeutic alliance that has the potential to be both powerful and transformative. 

 In therapy, introverts can feel like they’re entering unfamiliar territory. However, tailored strategies that honor introversion can create a comforting space where trust is fostered, silence is therapeutic, and self-expression is encouraged. With solo sessions and mindfulness as key components, therapy can become a personalized journey of self-discovery and growth. Recognizing introversion as a powerful asset can serve as a catalyst for healing and growth.  

 

 References: 

Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. Broadway Books. 

Deci, E.L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268. 

Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169-183. 

Kahn, J. S., & Kehl, K. A. (2018). Meaning in the silence: Listening for insights. Journal of Holistic Nursing, 36(4), 398-405.  

Laney, M. O. (2002). The introvert advantage. How to thrive in an extrovert world. Workman Publishing. 

Pennebaker, J. W. (2018). Expressive writing in psychological science. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(2), 226-229. 

Smith, T., & Jones, R. (2017). The preference for individual therapy among introverts: An empirical investigation. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(3), 311-317. 

Smith, W. J., Johnson, L. A., & Brown, K. D. (2018). The role of therapeutic alliance in counseling outcomes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 65(3), 356-366. 

It’s no secret there has been a rise in seeking counsel since 2020. Fear, sadness, frustration, angst, and anger being just the beginning of what started to loom in the air. That was not the hardest part of it, the difficult issue at hand was not knowing how to cope with all those feelings. The question that started to plague minds was “What do I do with these experiences, thoughts, and feelings?”. Often, the famous coping method is to wrap an anchor around your problems and throw it into the sea, pretending like nothing happened. The issue with that is, pain and wounds fester. Somehow that anchor gets undone and bubbles up to the surface showing up in different areas of our lives if not given attention after a period of time. 

Emotional intelligence plays a key part, even more so than intelligence quotient (IQ) in our daily lives. Emotional intelligence has been taking a back seat to IQ in a sense, because what has usually been ingrained in many of us for a longtime has always been doing well with academics, being book smart to get good grades, to get accepted into good schools, in hopes of having a decent job that pays well one day. While those things are a significant part of life and do matter, it does not teach you how to form and sustain relationships while trying to build your career or become financially free. IQ does not help you communicate you need help when you’re having a difficult time with academics and are feeling frustrated and defeated.  

What is emotional intelligence (EQ)?  

Emotional Intelligence is defined as the ability to create self-awareness, engage in self-regulation, or in other words manage and process your emotions in healthy ways. EQ is being able to extend empathy toward others including yourself, communicate effectively, deal with conflict, and overcome challenges that present itself. 

Some characteristics of individuals with low EQ tend to be those who get upset quicker, feel misunderstood or judged repeatedly, and have issues dealing with overwhelming emotions which can result in frequent outbursts. Individuals with high EQ often remain calm when faced with a rush of emotion because they are able to identify how they are feeling and take a step back and analyze how to behave. These individuals can remain calm in pressure situations and navigate dealing with difficult people (ex: those in authority positions).  

Now what does all this really mean and what are the practical steps toward increasing your EQ?  

EQ can help you climb what you view as a mountain in your life. A big part of being able to climb these mountains is learning how to connect with your feelings and be able to sit and observe them.  

The mountain in your life may resemble for example feeling stuck in your current job where you feel unappreciated and under compensated for the work you produce. You are unaware how to ask for an increase in pay because you have never been taught to ask for more than what you’ve been given or to go after what you thought you deserved. It seems like an inconceivable thought.  If you’ve learned or been taught through your environment to deal with the cards you been dealt, then that has a lot to do with how you view yourself and how you perceive your worth.  

In 2020, a significant amount of individuals lost their loved ones. This had a huge impact on the world being that so many were robbed of being able to say goodbye due to hospital restrictions. If you were able to say goodbye it was through video means but equally as emotionally frustrating. Losing a loved one is already a painful experience in itself but adding on having to experience being told you cannot physically come and kiss your loved one or be able to provide physical comfort in holding their hand through scary moments. That can be traumatizing.  

Maybe you are one of those people who had to go through this or currently are. I am sure you experienced amongst many other emotions: rage, deep sadness and frustration and shock. Where did those emotions go? How did you process your grief? What may have you channeled these emotions/feelings into? Most people commonly channel uncomfortable emotions into their work as a way of distracting themselves and keeping busy. This can result in overtiring the body, experiencing frequent headaches and not having mental space for relationships or other conversations. Other’s may drown in their feelings being that it may feel so overbearing they become numb and sleep the days away finding it difficult to come back to the surface.  

Take a brief moment to answer those questions in the paragraph above. If you resonate with this at all I recommend seeking counsel if you’re having a hard time processing however I am going to list a few practical ways in the next paragraph to start slowing down and working toward your EQ.  

EQ in a more practical way can be broken into a few parts: self-management, self-awareness, social awareness, and relationship management. Self-management can look like bringing your focus to how you react/respond to others. Notice your vocabulary and your body language. Do you get defensive? Do you think before you speak or blurt out the first thought you have? In addition to noticing this, a practical step you can take is to log your negative thought patterns in a journal, computer or phone device when you experience strong emotions or physical reactions throughout the day. This will help you identify patterns within yourself.  

It is important to be mindful of your own behavior because another method that will help you increase your EQ is to know how to adjust your behavior based on how others are affected by you. Being able to recognize how other’s are feeling or how they may receive you is a form of self and social awareness. You can carry this out by taking conscious breaths and focusing just for 5-10 seconds on your hands and feet to ground yourself to give yourself that pause to reconnect with your body before continuing to engage in the public setting or one on one with another person.  

A principal part of increasing your EQ is asking for feedback from those closest to you. If you feel you don’t have someone reliable to ask feedback from then seek out a boss, supervisor, life coach, therapist or some sort of counsel to invest in. I recommend this because auditing yourself in every season is vital to measuring growth. We all need a little course correction and reminders from time to time regarding things we are not able to see in ourselves. It is difficult to examine yourself alone because others may notice things in us that we may not be looking for because our attention is on hundreds of other things we’re working through or toward.  

Emotional Intelligence is a key element in navigating our lives. Keep in mind how you work towards bettering yourself in this area may not mirror the next person. This is an ever-growing journey and what you do towards this will change from season to season and as your life changes.  

GoodTherapy | Climb and Maintain: Tyler Perry Talks Psychology and Resilience

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, Psychologist

Tyler Perry Talks Psychology: Teaching Resiliency with the Message to Climb and Maintain

Tyler Perry, the infamous producer and actor, within the full breadth of his creative fortitude, delivered the best simplification of the concept of resilience. In his guest talk at a church in Texas, he provided a powerfully simple way to inspire resilience. In his speech, he told the audience to “Climb and Maintain.” His message aimed to inspire people not to give up on their dreams even in the face of problems and hardship. In short, Perry spoke about resilience.

Resilience

Resilience is a concept developed in the field of psychology. Resilience focuses on climbing and maintaining in pursuit of your goal. The climb is the action(s) you take toward your goal, while the maintenance is your ability to resist the risks in the physical and social environment, overcoming stress and adversity to maintain relatively good psychological and physical health (Garmezy, 1983; Werner & Smith, 1982) and achieve your dreams.

Are we all innately resilient? Can we develop resiliency if we do not possess it? If we “climb and maintain” as Tyler Perry inspires us to do, will it lead to success? Psychological research has provided the answers regarding who can climb and maintain and what outcomes may arise from persisting through life stressors. Let’s take a look.

Is Resiliency an Innate Trait? No.

When children are born, their parents often hope that they will be able to teach them everything they need to overcome obstacles, persist despite challenges, and achieve their dreams. However, despite this hope, parents may discover that their children give up easily, do not believe in themselves, and fall short of fighting through adversity. Are some children naturally more able to cope with stress and persist through adversity toward achieving their dreams? Are some children ill-equipped by nature to handle life’s challenges? Psychologists determined that resilience is less of an innate trait than it is a trait that is developed over time (Trivedi et al., 2011). Essentially, resilience can be learned. This means that parents can help their easily conquered or sluggishly motivated child persist through the stress toward achieving their dreams. 

If resilience is learned, how do we help someone develop resiliency?

How Can We Develop Resiliency?

Resiliency involves coping mechanisms and support systems necessary to promote well-being (Luthar & Brown, 2007). Therapy is an excellent resource for resiliency development. In therapy, individuals, couples, and families learn about effective coping mechanisms. They are encouraged to utilize them to progress through stressful life situations. Therapy also becomes part of a support system that strengthens the development of resiliency muscles to motivate you to persist. We are biologically designed to connect with others. Healthy family, peer, and career support systems also enable us to strengthen our internal systems so that we can effectively cope and persist toward our goals. Starting therapy is part of the climb, and continuing treatment is part of the maintenance toward your life goals. 

How Do We Climb and Maintain?

Increasing an individual’s resilience can help improve mental health (Koelmel, Hughes, Alschuler, & Ehde, 2017). The American Psychological Association (APA, 2020) offered greater detail regarding how to “climb and maintain” towards your life goals. They suggested several ways that describe the climbing process that Tyler Perry illuminated. 

Climb

In order to act towards your goals, according to APA, you have to 

  1. Be proactive.
  2. Take steps to move toward your goals.
  3. Look for opportunities of self-discovery to inform the next steps you take.

Maintain

APA offered ways to maintain your climb as well: 

  1. Embracing healthy thoughts
  2. Accepting change

In essence, in order to maintain your climb, you have to accept the inevitability of change that will require you to revise your perspective and elevate your thinking. 

Overcoming Stress

Optimal mental health is important to successfully overcome life stressors. The higher you climb towards your dreams, the larger those stressors can become. To maintain your climb towards your dreams, you must take care of your mental health. Therapy can help you cope with stressors and offer needed support in the face of adversity. 

How Can Therapy Motivate People to Want to Develop Resiliency?

Often, the most challenging part of motivating someone is determining how. What is the best way to challenge and encourage this specific person? 

The act of climbing sounds simple enough. You move one foot out in front of you. You then take the other foot and move it up to join or pass its partner. Wait, that described walking. How is climbing different from walking? Climbing adds pressure on the joints due to elevation. To climb, you must indeed start with one foot, not just placed in front, but higher than your walking step. Then you must take the other foot and also put it higher than your walking step. A movement toward your goals requires moving with added weight and strain. 

We sometimes need motivation to move through pressure. Therapists use a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI) to help individuals take the steps toward resiliency development. Motivational Interviewing is a method of eliciting an individual’s motivation for change, then guiding them to act on that motivation. Motivational Interviewing is perfect for individuals needing help to get motivated enough to start their climb as well as for those who need support and encouragement to maintain. Motivational Interviewing has been wonderfully successful at improving motivation and action at a rate of 80-95% (Rubak, Sandaek, Lauritzen, & Christensen, 2005). Thank you, Tyler Perry, for talking psychology so that others can seek help on the journey toward their dreams!

To find a therapist who can help you grow in resiliency, start your search today!

References

American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your resilience. http://www.apa.org/topics/resilience

Garmezy,  N.  (1983).  Stressors of childhood.  In  N. Garmezy & M. Rutter (Eds.),Stress, coping, and development in children(pp. 43– 84). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Koelmel, E., Hughes, A. J., Alschuler, K. N., & Ehde, D. M. (2017). Resilience mediates the longitudinal relationships between social support and mental health outcomes in multiple sclerosis. Archives of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, 98, 1139 –1148.

Luthar, S. S., & Brown, P. J. (2007). Maximizing resilience through diverse levels of inquiry: Prevailing paradigms, possibilities, and priorities for the future. Development and Psychopathology, 19, 931-955.

Rutter,  M.  (1987).  Psychosocial resilience and protective mechanisms. American Journal of Ortho-psychiatry, 57, 316 –331.

Trivedi, R. B., Bosworth, H., Resnicow, K. & McMaster, F. ( 2012). Motivational Interviewing: moving from why to how with autonomy support. International Journal of Physical Activity, 9-19.

Rubak, S., Sandaek, A., Lauritzen, T., & Christensen, B. (2005). Motivational interviewing: a systematic review and meta-analysis. British Journal of General Practice, 55(513): 305–312.

Trivedi, Ranak & Bosworth, Hayden & Jackson, George. (2011). Resilience in Aging. 10.1007/978-1-4419-0232-0_12.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1982).Vulnerable but invincible: A longitudinal study of resilient children and youth. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

GoodTherapy | Self-Development and Self-Centeredness

by Nancy Bortz, Psychotherapist

Self-Development and Self-Centeredness

Is self-development self-centered? Frankly, yes and no. The answer is “yes” when we’re merely analyzing the short-term and “no” when we’re taking a long-term perspective. While prioritizing your own personal growth may look a little like selfishness at first blush, the ultimate aim of self-development is you being your best self, which is better for everyone around you, not just you. 

Keeping the Goal in Mind

When you focus on yourself for the purpose of self-development, you may need to be rather isolated at times. Nonetheless, this isolation should be viewed as temporary, with the ultimate goal of having a meaning that extends beyond the self.

Thinking Like a Champion

For instance, we often hear how Olympic athletes lose contact with friends and family when their training ramps up in the pursuit of a podium spot. This strain on their relationships is caused by the “self-centeredness” of the Olympian. It may be hard for the athlete’s friends outside their athletic circle to understand the absolute focus required for success at the highest level. The athlete, however, knows what is required and is encouraged by their coaches to pursue excellence above all else. In this example, the athlete may even be shunned by the people closest to them due to a lack of understanding. However, the athlete must do what is required to achieve their dreams; they cannot afford to get wrapped up in the misguided expectations of others.

Self-development requires a degree of self-centeredness, at least in the short-term. Nonetheless, the long-term benefits are hopefully much more altruistic. Using our prior example, if the athlete were to win a gold medal, a generation of athletes and civilians alike may be inspired to achieve their dreams. Furthermore, the “hero’s journey” is complete at this point, and the hero can reunite with the friends and family that were temporarily neglected, assuming no bridges were burned too severely.

Don’t Be Derailed by Naysayers

It is important to remind ourselves that being labeled “selfish” is not the end of the world. You must remind yourself of your motives for pursuing personal development, even when it’s time-consuming or isolating. As long as seeking the approval of others is not your underlying internal drive, keeping your meaning and intention in mind will prove beneficial. Self-development is incredibly rewarding for not only the person on such a pursuit but also for society! A person who has overcome the obstacles to become a greater version of themselves can be an inspirational force for others. 

Digging even deeper, a person who has emphasized personal development becomes stronger and is thus more able to resist the forces that bring down society. It is ultimately the weak-minded individual who will fall prey to peer pressure or the mob. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and it is up to each individual to ensure the weakest link is not who they see when they look in the mirror.

Applying This in Your Own Self-Development Work

If you are still wondering how to apply self-development principles in your life (assuming that you are not training for a spot in the future Olympic Games), you may simply want to practice incremental changes. If, for example, you are aspiring towards a promotion at work, instead of going out drinking with friends on the weekend, consider devoting more time to your professional development. This can take the form of taking continuing education courses, reading business books, joining a professional coaching group, reaching out to a leader you admire in your professional circle for mentorship—anything that would directly contribute to on-the-job success.

Your friends may not be thrilled with your decision initially. Still, hopefully, they will come around when you get that much sought-after promotion. Securing this promotion may allow you to lead others on a broader scale and have your positive vision enacted. This can benefit your company and your company’s contribution to society. You are also setting a higher standard for your friends. You are gaining commendable strength in the process, which will pay dividends in many ways.

How a Good Therapist Can Help

Finding a good therapist can be a brilliant first step in making these tough decisions. A good therapist can help you gain self-confidence and the skills that will be necessary for your journey of self-development. Many different techniques can be utilized in therapy. I encourage you to find a therapist who implements the modalities you desire.

About Nancy: I am a psychotherapist in Denver, CO. I have been in the field for twenty years and have extensive experience helping individuals and couples realize their goals and become who they really are and all they can be. I hope you enjoyed this short article of my thoughts as a professional who knows that living true to oneself is the answer many are searching for.

Click through to search for a therapist in your area to support your personal growth and self-development.

Holding small bunch of flowers ready to plant in soilI, like many other people, grew up in a less-than-ideal environment. The circumstances got in the way of my personal development. At the same time, that environment contributed to and shaped the person that I have become.

I could assign blame for my problems and unhealthy decisions on my childhood or my parents or my teachers. However, any such statement would be unrealistic and untruthful. The fact is my parents did the best they could considering their limitations (challenges, information, copying skills, abilities, etc.). My parents provided me with many of the values I possess today and will always be my greatest teachers. Yes, my parents have made some decisions I wish they wouldn’t have, but to blame them demonstrates a narrow and limited perspective—and, more importantly, takes away any personal responsibility on my part.

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Blame outsources solution and responsibility. It is often used to divert attention from ourselves, and hands control over our life to something or someone else. As such, blaming and condemnation only create pain and breed resentment and further anger.

The tendency to blame is driven by our inability to foresee a better way of dealing with a distressing situation. We tend to blame when we are in distress because it allows us to preserve the self-satisfying narrative of helplessness/victimhood and self-righteousness. We excuse our shortcomings as the result of other people’s wrongdoings or actions.

In his book, Anger: The Inner Teacher, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin quotes Chazon Ish as saying:

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A wise man will not get angry at an insane person who wrongs him. This should be our attitude towards someone who wrongs us because of a lack of spiritual sensitivity and lack of good character. There is really no difference between a person who lacks sanity and a person who behaves improperly.

Responsibility requires pivoting from blaming external factors to empowering internal forces. There is no point in blaming. Besides, blame amplifies anger and moves us away from responsibility toward victimhood. The stance of victimhood is a powerful and rigid one, as the victim is always morally right and forever entitled to sympathy.

Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others.

Everyone in life does what they know how to do given the conditions of their lives. We will never know exactly where people came from or what circumstances they grew up in or are experiencing now. Perhaps they experienced abuse as a child. Maybe they were bullied at school. What if they are currently in a relationship that is belittling and demeaning?

When you are willing to accept total responsibility for every facet of your life, you are able to live life open to possibilities and to let go of the need to blame others. Conversely, if you repeatedly blame your mother, your husband, your president, or anyone else for your situation, it’s harder to be happy and at peace.

Letting go of blame is not easy. Keep in mind, though, that letting go of blame toward someone who has wronged you does not mean you let that person off the hook. It simply means you are concerned with the here-and-now and being responsible for your own future actions. You are choosing not to judge the other person. You are choosing instead to be responsible and move toward freedom.

Seeing your challenges in others and watching them battle the same irritations and frustrations you have dealt with can be a gateway toward greater tolerance and empathy. Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others. It can also be used as a guide to learn to respond with greater understanding and compassion rather than blaming.

The training ground for compassion is experiencing difficult feelings and sensing that your sense of self and its safety are being compromised. When you reach out with compassion to your worst enemy, it can trigger deep fears. These are opportunities to learn about yourself and develop equanimity, forbearance, and responsibility.

If you blame yourself, others, or circumstances for your conditions, you are resisting reality. This is a position from which you cannot create. Accept reality and take responsibility for your life. Empower yourself to create the life you want. If you need help or guidance, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Pliskin, Z. (1997). Anger: the inner teacher. New York: Mesorah Publications Ltd.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.