Becoming Your Own Hero

by Nancy Bortz, Psychotherapist

Become Your Own Hero

We all have ideas about our personal heroes, but have you ever thought about how you can be your own hero? Ask yourself: what is a hero?

I have had a handful of heroes in my life. These heroes have been people that loved me unconditionally and took care of me. With them, I was free to experience life as magical, full of wonder, and laughter. My heroes were primarily people that lived in my heart and soul. My heroes protected me from evil and pulled me through the darkness when a cloud would follow me from above.

Growing Up

As my life continued to unfold, my heroes were not so present in my life. They remained in my heart. My heroes shaped me to be a loving, kind, and respectful person. I learned how to value myself and others through the lens of my heroes.

A shift occurred in my life where I was challenged to find my own way. That was a very scary period in my life. My life became very dark, and I had to find my way. I remember living in internal darkness and believing that I would find the light as though there were light switches down in the depths of deep sorrow. I grew stronger as a person – I had to become my own hero as I traveled these new paths.

4 Elements of Inner Strength

1. Finding Light Along Your Path

I learned that there is always light in darkness if you allow yourself to be patient. It comes in many forms. It’s as though these magical hands came to grab mine and lead me in a direction that provided me hope, strength, and new promise.

It’s really important to know there is a path that leads us out of the darkness into the light. We must understand that correcting life patterns take time and patience. There is no quick fix when we desire true change in ourselves. I am referring to sustainable change. The outcome is never as important as the journey.

2. Trusting Yourself

I became my own hero when I began to trust myself. I knew I could take myself anywhere and that I had my own back. I had developed a true sense of self, an authentic self where I was able to use my voice. I now trust my judgment, and I am very comfortable in my own skin.

3. Loving Yourself

I think the most important element of becoming my own hero is self-love. Anything is possible with self-love. Self-love has brought back two of my heroes in my life. There is no greater gift for me than love.

4. Being Yourself

I want you to become your own hero so that you can learn to express yourself fully from your heart and soul. I want you to become an integrated person where you connect your head with your heart. Speaking your truth, honoring your voice, and becoming one with yourself is heroic.

Why Does This Matter?

I have learned how to rise up, become more conscious, and live in my true essence. If I can do it, so can you. Focusing on you is heroic. Discovering the sweetness in life is absolutely possible. Let me know how you want to be your own hero. What does that look like for you?

Isn’t that the legacy we want to pass down in our life? I believe the hero lives in all of us. Find yours.

To find a therapist, begin your search today.

Person with long hair wearing jacket and shorts sits alone on mountaintop looking into distanceEnding a relationship and letting go can be incredibly difficult no matter how toxic it is. Part of this is for simple biological reasons, as some scientific studies have shown that being in love activates the same areas of the brain as being high on cocaine.

Brain scans of lovers and people experiencing cocaine addiction both display increased activity in the pleasure centers of the brain (most notably the dopamine centers) and decreased activity in the frontal lobe, which is the area responsible for cognition. This means that while falling in love can make us feel good, it can also profoundly affect our judgment.

It is for this reason that love can sometimes be compared to an addiction. In love, much like addiction, there may be negative side effects such as abuse or gaslighting. But despite all of those bad circumstances, it can still be difficult to kick the romantic attraction and feelings of love when letting a relationship go.

If you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship you know is not healthy, consider these 15 tips for letting go of it for good:

1. Recognize the Problem

Awareness is the first step.  Educate yourself or consider talking to a therapist or counselor about what constitutes an unhealthy relationship. Take a good, hard, and objective look at your relationship and be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself these questions:

If you answered yes to any of these questions, consider ending or talking to a professional about the relationship.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

[fat_widget_right]Letting go of a relationship is usually not easy. It can be painful to end a relationship even if the relationship was not serving your highest good. Honor any feelings of grief you may have, and allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than attempting to suppress them. Accept grief as a part of the experience, and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

Reach out to one of our therapist in Raleigh, NC or find a therapist closer to you.

3. Discover the Lesson

Many people who move on from a toxic relationship feel guilt or shame as they perceive the time they spent in the relationship as a waste. However, every person who comes into our lives can teach us something. Rather than looking at your relationship as wasted time, try to find the lesson in it. What did this person teach you? What are you taking away from the relationship? How have you changed as a person, and how might you do things differently next time?

In life, lessons may often be repeated until they are learned. Look for the lesson from this relationship and you may be less likely to carry the same lesson over into your next relationship.

4. Create Separation

It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you’re used to spending so much time with, but it is usually necessary if you want to move on from the relationship. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship with your ex, but it’s usually best to allow some time for both parties to heal before you try to spend time together as friends.

5. Let Go of the Mementos

It can be tempting to hang on to all the old relics of a past relationship. Doing so, however, may prevent you from moving on with your life. If you must keep the old love letters, movie ticket stubs, photos, or romantic gifts, you may want to store them somewhere out of sight until you’re ready to move on.

6. Take Off Your Love Goggles

Love often has a way of clouding your perception, which sometimes makes it difficult to a see someone for who they really are. If you really want to get out of an unhealthy relationship, you must be willing to take off your love goggles and look at the person objectively. Consider talking with a close family member or friend or even finding a therapist to help you look at the relationship impartially.

It isn’t uncommon to only hold on to the good memories of an ex and completely shut out the bad memories. Maintain your perspective by remembering both sides of the experience. Remind yourself of the good times, but don’t forget those bad times or you could end up forgetting why you ended the relationship in the first place.

7. Compose a Letter to Your Ex

Consider writing out all your feelings in a letter, even if you have no intention of sending it. You can choose to give this letter to your former partner or destroy it when you’re finished. The point of the letter is to allow you to release your feelings. Writing or journaling can help you reflect on the relationship as a whole, while giving you a way to further your mental and emotional wellness.

8. Focus On Empowering Yourself

Try your best to shift focus off the relationship and back to yourself. Consider trying new things or putting your energy into a hobby you’ve neglected. Remembering why the relationship was unhealthy and focusing on what it is you do want in a relationship can be empowering.

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.

9. Rewrite Your Story

We often tend to place the weight of our identities into our self-professed life stories. We believe we are what we continually tell ourselves. Examine your story and rewrite it in a more empowering way to start making positive changes in your life.

If you continually tell yourself you lost your soul mate and you’re destined to be alone, you might struggle to hang on to a relationship that is no longer serving you. Reframe your story and consider the fact this relationship may have just been one step on the journey toward an even better relationship in the future.

10. Practice Forgiveness

Release any feelings of guilt or regret you have surrounding the relationship. Forgive yourself for anything that happened in the past because you can no longer change it. You can only move forward and learn from it.

Be willing to forgive your former partner as well. Let go of any resentment you have regarding the relationship. Look at your partner with compassion and empathy and understand that all humans are susceptible to mistakes.

11. Live in the Present Moment

Life exists in the present moment. Choose to live in the present rather than getting lost in nostalgia. Often, people stay in a relationship that is no longer healthy because they are clinging to the past. Judge your relationship based on how it is at present rather than how it once was.

12. Accept What Is

We must be able to accept things as they are if we want to move forward. Many people remain in relationships that are unhealthy hoping they can somehow change their partner. It is important to remember you cannot change anyone, especially if they have no willingness to change themselves. If the relationship isn’t working for you, then you have the choice to leave and move on. That is something you can change.

13. Contribute to a Cause You Care About

If you’re having trouble letting go of the past, consider getting involved in a cause you feel passionate about. Doing this can not only occupy your time and mind as you process feelings and let go of the relationship, but it can also help shift your focus to something bigger than yourself. Studies have shown volunteering can significantly improve overall well-being. This can provide perspective and help you feel good as you also help your community.

14. Practice Self-Care

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.Letting go isn’t easy, and it isn’t uncommon to forget our own physical and emotional health after a painful breakup. The grief can be overwhelming and we may start to neglect our own needs.

Help yourself by choosing to practice self-care every day. Get plenty of rest. Eat nutritious food. Indulge. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Whatever it is, just do something to meet your personal needs.

Furthermore, learning how to practice self-compassion. Moving on can be a big and scary step, so be gentle with yourself as you heal and create a new life after this relationship.

15. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Forever is a misleading term. The only constant that exists in life is change. Despite our efforts to the contrary, we truly cannot hold on to anything in life forever. Everything—friends, family, and relationships—come and eventually go.

When it comes time for something to end, rather than clinging to what no longer is, realize impermanence is the nature of life and try to embrace it. Appreciate the good moments you had, cherish those memories, and let them go in exchange for new experiences.

Know When to Ask for Help

The first few moments, days, or weeks following a breakup can seem debilitating. For some, ending a relationship means a loss of identity, support, and normalcy. Ending a relationship—even a toxic one—can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. However, you do not have to do it alone. Know when to seek support if you need it.

If feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions persist and begin affecting your daily life after a relationship ends, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you process and acknowledge your feelings in a healthy way. A qualified mental health professional can help you examine the past relationship in a safe place free of judgement while you work toward achieving a more complete sense of self after the relationship has ended.

Even if you feel like there is no hope after severing an important tie in your life, remember you can heal and you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and complements you and your happiness.

References:

  1. Lahat, I. (2014, July 9). The brain looks the same when we’re in love or high on cocaine. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/the-brain-looks-the-same-high-on-love-or-cocaine-2014-7
  2. Tabassum, F., Mohan, J., & Smith, P. (2016). Association of volunteering with mental well-being: A lifecourse analysis of a national population-based longitudinal study in the UK. BMJ Open, 6(8). doi:10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011327

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Rear view of person silhouetted against sunset sky in field“You are a failure.”

“You look ugly today.”

“Everyone’s life is better than yours.”

Have you ever said these things to a close friend? How about a family member? I’m guessing the answer is no.

Then why do you say these things to yourself?

We are often harder on—and crueler to—ourselves than we are with other people. We hold ourselves to higher standards and berate ourselves more. What’s the effect? Depression, low self-worth, and deep feelings of shame.

Here are four antidotes:

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1. Talk to yourself like you talk to your friends.

If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Next time you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try this quick exercise. First, get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and draw a box with two rows and five columns. Label the columns Thought, Emotion, Evidence, New Thought, and New Emotion.

If you’re beating yourself up about your career, under Thought you could write, “I’ll never have a successful career.” After you’ve written it down, sit with the thought for a few minutes and focus on the emotions that bubble up. Do you feel anger? Shame? Sadness? In the box under Emotion, write down all the feelings the thought triggers.

Under Evidence, write anything that challenges the negative thought. For example, “I went to a good college” or “I’m a hard worker.” Under New Thought, write a replacement for the original thought that takes into account the evidence. For example, “I haven’t found the right career yet, but I believe I will soon.”

Finally, under New Emotion, write down how this new thought makes you feel. Optimistic? Energized? Repeat this exercise daily until thought-stopping and replacement happens naturally.

2. Practice mindfulness to eliminate self-judgment.

Along with negative self-talk, self-judgment hurts you even if you’re not conscious you’re doing it. Mindfulness is essential when learning to defeat self-judgment and build self-compassion.

You need to consider your thoughts and feelings without ruling on whether they’re “good” or “bad.” Observe them with mindful awareness. Recognize the thought or emotion without judging it. Don’t try to push it away, but don’t ruminate on it either.

Remember, thoughts come and go, and feelings change. Don’t over-identify with any one. You are not this one thought or one feeling. This too shall pass.

3. Forgive yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity.

Throughout your life, you did the best you could with the tools you had. The lessons you took from your caregivers, your experiences, your environment, and your physical and mental health all affect the way you treat others and yourself. If your parents didn’t model healthy anger, it’s likely you don’t express it healthily either. If you work in a highly competitive and cutthroat workplace, it’s likely you’ve cut a few metaphorical throats yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity. People make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. What’s important is making amends, if you can, and learning new tools so you don’t make the same mistakes.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

No matter how much you think you know someone, you can’t know the whole story. If you’re single and desperate to start a family, looking at Facebook photos of an old classmate’s wedding or pictures on Instagram of a coworker’s new baby is a quick way to feel terrible about yourself.

People often use social media to show an idealized version of their life. Your old classmate doesn’t post about the fights she has with her husband. Your coworker doesn’t share photos of the baby wailing through the night. Try to resist the urge to go down the social media rabbit hole, and if you can’t resist, remind yourself that you see only one side of the story.

Consider unfollowing people whose lives trigger the strongest emotions. Check the site or app settings; most let you stay friends with someone without seeing their updates.

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Kristin Neff, psychologist and self-compassion researcher, writes about showing kindness to oneself in her book Self-Compassion: “Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance” (2015). Your value isn’t based on how much money you make, how subjectively attractive you are, or how useful you are to others. You don’t lose worth when you make mistakes or come up short of your own or others’ expectations. The foundation of self-empathy and self-compassion is the understanding that you possess unconditional worth.

If you struggle to feel compassion and kindness for yourself, consider working with a therapist.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: William Morrow.

Rear view of person standing by beach looking out to sea with hands forming heart shapeSome sayings might be well-intended, but that doesn’t make them true, let alone easy to hear. Case in point: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.”

The people who come to me for help tend to hate that thought. “If I knew how to love myself more,” they say, “I would have started long ago. In fact, I wouldn’t even be in therapy if I had that figured out.”

Improving self-esteem seems to some to be an impossible task. But each time, as we explore it together, similar themes come to the foreground. After years of figuring it out with people from all sorts of backgrounds and at all levels of self-confidence, I’ve come up with a few main components of esteem work.

Here are the key factors, in my experience:

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1. Accept That You Are Flawed

The first step toward liking yourself is accepting all parts of yourself. Most people are at least slightly perfectionistic, with an unrealistic expectation that there’s someone out there who can be right or good all the time. (Not only is this impossible, it would make you insufferable.) Self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love, which means you expect and allow yourself to mess up sometimes and are gentle with yourself when you do.

This is very different from excusing bad behavior or never asking yourself to grow and change. Instead, it’s about having compassion and kindness toward yourself when you fail, with the knowledge that if you want to change, using a gentle desire to do better is far more productive than viciously beating yourself up.

2. Be Curious About Yourself

You can’t love what you don’t know, so an important step to increasing self-confidence is to learn who you truly are. Often, by early adulthood, people have created a blanket definition of themselves based on their experiences and what others have told them. “I’m shy” or “I have an anger issue” become messages they’ve accepted and no longer question. Even if you’re shy or angry, though, this is only one small part of you.

When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love.

Another way of not seeing or knowing your full self is when you pick and choose what you let others see. By showing only the parts of yourself that you think look best to others, you hide other pieces which are equally important and valid.

When you take time to examine who you are and who you want to be, you get more clarity about all of you—not just the elements that others have liked or disliked. You can gain insight into how you see yourself: your goals and ambitions, your flaws and failures, where you would like to grow. When you have all the pieces straight, you can start to accept them and integrate them into a real, full picture of yourself.

3. Practice Compassion

It’s a thin line between having compassion for yourself and having it for others. Working on both pieces at the same time is helpful. Often if a person in therapy finds it too tough to start with being kind to themselves, we pivot to working on being kinder to others.

One interesting way to gauge if you’re compassionate to others is to ask if you feel like others are judging you. Although it sounds conflicting, a worry that you are being judged is often an indication you have been taught to judge others. Maybe you came from a household where people’s clothes or weight or religiosity was criticized, and you find yourself as an adult having the same strict rules of behavior for others. It might be hard, then, not to imagine that people are doing the same thing to you. If you were disparaged by family or peers, you might have learned to carry this voice of disapproval inside of you. You might have even come to believe people were disliking you when, in reality, you were disliking yourself.

Having compassion for others is good practice for being kinder to ourselves. Think about letting others off the hook for bad behavior or not living up to your standards. Then try to move that same kind of understanding and gentleness back to yourself so you can realize everyone messes up sometimes. You may be surprised how your perspective shifts from one of distrust to one of tolerance.

Conclusion

Any of these three components of building self-esteem can be worked on by yourself or with the help of a professional. When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love. Even if you need not love yourself to find love, it’s worth learning how to do so anyway. It feels good to be the best version of yourself possible.

Couple looking out window smiling at something in the distanceLove is a topic that has never lost human relevance or interest. Poetry, songs, essays, novels, movies, and multitudes of self-help books focus on this marvelous, mysterious topic.

Yet, there are questions that remain for many of us regarding the meaning, nature, and scope of love in the most practical terms.

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First is the question of the meaning of love. At its base, love is an emotion. It’s a positive feeling we have about another person. The feeling includes warmth and gentleness toward the person in question, and a deep appreciation and concern for their well-being. Love creates a desire to be closer to another, to comfort, and to be comforted. We seek and often experience joy and happiness in love (at the very least initially, if we sense the feeling is mutual).

The nature and scope of love can be broad: romantic love, as we most often think of it; love for family and friends; and love for humanity, etc. However, equally important is self-love.

Navigating the more challenging questions can spark debate and further discussion. Here, we will consider several psychological approaches to this issue before I offer some of my own thoughts.

Attachment

Sue Johnson, who developed emotionally focused therapy (based on attachment theory) for couples, describes the emotional need we all have for secure attachments or bonding with others in her book Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy:

It is this need, and the fears of loss and isolation that accompany this need, that provides the script for the oldest and most universal of human dramas that couple and family therapists see played out in their offices every day. (p. 4)

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She goes on to explain that for those of us who did not have a chance for “secure bonding” with our parents or parent figures as children, it’s often more difficult to bond with a mate. People with insecure attachments tend to either isolate and shut down in the face of true intimacy, or they over-attach in a desperate or clingy manner. The combination of the two is often the precursor for an abusive relationship. By no means is bonding with others impossible, but it may take more work to achieve and maintain that desired healthy connection.

Vulnerability

However, love is frequently fragile and easily damaged. Therefore, we fear becoming damaged by it and being vulnerable to it. I’ve recently seen a number of people in therapy who provided a prime example of this phenomenon—all were single and afraid of immersing themselves in the dating scene. This is not an uncommon fear, but it is one that inhibits opportunities for meeting potential loving partners. Common assumptions include, “There’s no one out there for me,” or, “They’re all a bunch of losers,” or, worst of all, “I’m such a loser, no one would be interested in me.” These assumptions can evolve into destructive beliefs.

The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Cognitive behavioral therapy addresses these negative thoughts by suggesting that our behaviors and the way we feel are driven by the way we think, and, therefore, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will guide us into healthier love patterns. Sometimes negative beliefs have been there for so long—and most of us have at least one bad experience to back them up—that we find it difficult to gain a positive outlook. The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Brené Brown has written extensively on the topics of vulnerability and shame. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity,” she writes in her book Daring Greatly. In other words, it takes real human courage to be vulnerable, but it is also necessary for real intimacy and bonding to take place. Brown feels that shame gets in the way of such vulnerability. Shame is a collection of real or perceived guilt from the past, creating a general sense of unworthiness. As Brown puts it:

If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. (p. 58)

Respect

If shame, unworthiness, and lack of secure attachment from childhood are the primary obstacles that stand in the way of love being truly healthy and nurturing, it is my suggestion to look more closely to ensure respect is a meaningful part of our love relationships. Respect means honoring the other person as well as yourself, fully and without judgment. It is this aspect of love that is so often overlooked, yet respect, in its deepest meaning of connection, is the backbone that stabilizes and provides security for loving, healthy relationships.

If you struggle with self-love, or if you believe something is standing in the way of closeness with others, seeing a licensed therapist can be greatly beneficial.

References:

  1. Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin.
  2. Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E., Ed. (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Three people with pink shirts embrace outdoors. Rear view photoMost people would agree the media today is inundated with unrealistic portrayals of women’s bodies. Because of practices such as choosing primarily thin, young, white women to sell products and using Photoshop to erase natural “flaws” and “imperfections,” to name a few, we are not exposed to a diverse (one might also say realistic) array of people. Consequently, generations of people grow up believing their appearance is inferior because it is not widely represented or considered to be “ideal.”

In my practice, I frequently work with women who are struggling with anxiety. Concerns related to weight and body image almost always come up as a contributing fact—in no small part, I believe, due to the media messages regarding the “ideal” body. Many people today have a tremendous fear of being judged for weight gain or their size. Fears and insecurities surrounding the body may take many forms. Some may fear being passed up for promotions or being looked down on at work due to weight stigma or sizeist stereotypes. Other individuals might fear never having a romantic relationship because potential love interests consider their size unacceptable.

Fears contributing to general feelings of anxiety may not always be rational, but unfortunately, weight stigma is a real concern in our society. The size-based discrimination and prejudice many people experience is likely to contributes to or exacerbate feelings of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Thus, these feelings of anxiety in particular may be more difficult to address. Further complications often result when, in an effort to achieve what societal messages suggest to be an “ideal” body, people develop unhealthy relationships with food and their bodies to achieve this ideal. [fat_widget_right]

From one fad diet to the next, the message is often the same: restricting food and ignoring the body’s natural hunger cues will lead to perfection. Instagram and other social media platforms are filled with pictures of plates of vegetables and videos of workouts meant to inspire. Whether a diet is low-fat, low-carb, or sugar-free, it does not often promote the development of a healthy relationship with all foods.

Take the current trend of clean eating as an example. Clean eating moralizes and judges foods by designating some as “clean” (and therefore acceptable to eat) and implying that consuming foods not considered clean results in the ingestion of dirty or toxic substances. Cleanses, or highly restrictive fasts meant to rid the body of perceived impurities, are increasingly popular, and people talk about “cheat days” as if they are committing a crime by eating sweets or processed foods. It is common to see posts in which people apologize for eating “unclean” foods or say they are being “bad” for eating them.

Clean eating has become prevalent enough that the term orthorexia nervosa was developed to help describe it when taken to an extreme. Though orthorexia is not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, it bears similarities to other eating disorders. People with symptoms of orthorexia are often so fixated on living a “clean life” that they restrict their food intake to certain items and exercise excessively for purported health reasons. This fixation can have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being as well as their physical health and social life.

This may seem like a radical idea, but you are perfect just the way you are, regardless of your size. Your worth is not determined by a number on the scale or a size of clothing. Focus on the beauty and strength you find in yourself and build on those aspects.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to include nutritious foods into our diets or making sure we exercise to keep our heart and bodies healthy. But somewhere along the line, eating became an act that was no longer intuitive. Years of yo-yo dieting, eating on prescribed schedules, or restricting entire food groups has taken its toll on our physical and mental health, to the point where we no longer trust our own bodies to tell us what, when and how to eat. Movement and physical exercise are no longer simply enjoyable activities, but rather the means to a thin end.

So, what is the answer? How can a person combat body anxiety amid internal and external pressures and messages faced on a daily basis?

The following five ways can help you begin to let go of anxiety and become better able to practice self-love.

Start to build trust in yourself.

Instead of constantly fighting your body, learn to trust it. Intuitive Eating is a philosophy that focuses on teaching people to trust their food desires and hunger cues. Many dietitians are teaching the people they work with to listen to the body’s messages, whether they desire “good” food or “bad” food. It is often a long process, but once your body learns you will no longer restrict certain foods or allow it to go hungry, it will tell you exactly what nutrients and type of food it needs.

Embrace yourself as you are today.

So many people put off adventures, shopping, and life events because they are waiting until they reach a certain weight or body shape. Let’s instead learn to love ourselves just as we are today. This may seem like a radical idea, but you are perfect just the way you are, regardless of your size. Your worth is not determined by a number on the scale or a size of clothing. Focus on the beauty and strength you find in yourself and build on those aspects.

Know your triggers.

Just like any other form of anxiety, body anxiety can be triggered by certain words, people, or actions. Become familiar with who or what sends your anxiety about your body skyrocketing, and then develop a plan. Avoid unnecessary triggers and be prepared for those that are unavoidable.

For instance, if you avoid going to the doctor because you become anxious when you are weighed, let the staff know ahead of time that you do not plan on stepping on the scale. If you have family members who make it their business to comment on what you eat or how you look, prepare a response for them and have it ready so you are not flustered or too embarrassed to address their remarks. By taking these actions you can be more proactive in reducing your anxiety.

Change your feed, not your food.

It can feel overwhelming when you are constantly confronted with images of the “ideal” body type or when all you seem to see in your social media feeds are posts about diets and weight loss. But remember, you have the right to remove anything that feels shaming (this includes people who make you feel ashamed!) from your social media feed and replace them with people and messages that inspire you to love yourself just as you are. Consider following body acceptance advocates and people who demonstrate that fitness and self-love do not come in the form of one body shape, size, color, or age. Doing this can help you feel more positive and inspired when you look at Instagram and other social media apps.

Find the right therapist.

If you are seeking help to change the way you perceive your body and reduce body anxiety, the right therapist is essential. It is important to find a therapist who is educated about Health At Every Size (HAES), a movement that encourages people to work on their physical and mental health without focusing on body size. Therapists are people, after all, and they are not immune to the outside messages about what “health” looks like. Mental health professionals may come into sessions with their own implicit biases about weight and food, so finding a therapist who supports your journey to self-love and acceptance without making it about weight loss is instrumental as you work toward these goals.

References:

  1. Bates, L. (2014, October 14). Why is women’s body image anxiety at such devastating levels? The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/14/women-body-image-anxiety-improve-body-confidence
  2. Bell, L. (2015, July 1). Body image and social anxiety. Eating Disorder Hope. Retrieved from https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/anxiety/body-image-and-social-anxiety
  3. Get the facts on eating disorders. (2016). NEDA. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-facts-eating-disorders
  4. Kratina, K. (n.d.). Orthorexia nervosa. NEDA. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa
  5. Multiple anxiety disorders share an elevated concern over physical appearance. (2015, November 4). Anxiety.org. Retrieved from https://www.anxiety.org/body-image-a-common-source-of-anxiety
  6. Orthorexia symptoms and effects. (n.d.). Timberline Knolls. Retrieved from http://www.timberlineknolls.com/eating-disorder/orthorexia/signs-effects/
  7. Puhl, R. (2015, December 11). Stigma and ‘fat shaming’ can fuel depression and increase obesity. WBUR. Retrieved from http://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2015/12/11/obesity-stigma-fat-shaming

Young adult with ponytail in casual comfortable clothes sits on windowsill, leaning cheek on hand and looking outWhen I think about the people I work with in therapy who struggle with issues of separation and individuation, I notice that many who are confused or conflicted about who they are and what they want are very good at knowing what others need. They are often in relationships with significant others (e.g., partners, parents) where their role is to function as an emotional caretaker. In this role, they feel required to take on the responsibility for managing the emotional life of the other to assure that no uncomfortable and unwanted feelings are experienced. Not only does this require that they be on alert for the impact of the world on their significant other, but, most important, the caretaker must never be the cause of the other’s unwanted feelings. Critically, they must never allow their own wishes and desires to be considered as they undertake their role of regulating and soothing the other’s feelings.

What the Child Needs

From birth, the nature of the attachment between the infant and the primary caregiver impacts the development of the child’s sense of self and lays the groundwork for becoming an adult who can feel safe and secure in the world. The child needs a predictable, reliable relationship with a significant other who is able to be attuned to the infant and respond to their needs. This is essential for nourishing the development of an emotionally healthy human being who can trust and feel confident, valued, and stable. When these fundamental needs are absent, the infant is deprived of the resources and ability to reliably know who they are, what they need, and how to get their needs met.

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The child develops into an emotional caretaker when parents fail to supply the basic needs that good enough parents provide and, instead, the child is expected to provide for the parents’ needs. Some of the critical ingredients that allow children to blossom into loving, resilient, separate, self-aware grown-ups include the experiences of being:

And having:

Factors Associated with the Inability to Nurture

There are many factors that make it difficult for children, at all stages of development, to receive the basic requirements for getting the needed responses from their parents and/or significant others. The following (which refers to parents, primary caregivers, and significant others) is a very incomplete list of factors associated with the child becoming an emotional caretaker. This includes parents who are:

The Development of the Emotional Caretaker

What the parents in the list above share is an overriding interest in having the child meet their needs and a lack of awareness of and/or inability to be attuned to, care about, or consider their child’s needs as a frequent enough priority. The child learns they are expected to be responsible for regulating the parent’s emotions so the parent can be relieved of experiencing uncomfortable and intolerable feelings. If the child is successful in keeping the parent in a positive, contented state, they will be rewarded with the parent’s approval, interest, and connection. If unsuccessful, the child can feel isolated, abandoned, anxious, depressed, alone, guilty, terrified, and ungrounded. This puts the child at risk of believing the child is responsible and deserving of the parent’s neglect and disapproval.

Fran is a 56-year-old mother who feels required to caretake her significant others. She came into our session reporting a panic attack when her daughter told her she wasn’t supportive enough of the daughter’s wish to change jobs:

“I thought I was being supportive,” Fran said. “How could I be such an awful mother and make such a terrible mistake? I’m usually so careful and figure out just the right thing that makes my daughter happy. She’s 23 now, but since she was born I‘ve been on constant alert to any upset she might have and I feel like I’ve done something horrible when I can’t make her feel better.”

Fran struggles with anxiety in her relationships with her daughter and her husband. She has transferred the “powerful mother-compliant daughter” relationship she experienced in her childhood onto these familial relationships. Fran learned the necessity of emotional caretaking from infancy when she understood, if only unconsciously, that to get any of her own needs met and to not feel like a terrible person, she always had to make her mother a priority.

Learning to value oneself, and learning to feel comfortable considering oneself a priority, will evoke those old feelings. It is a formidable task to question the basis of those feelings and contemplate rejecting the definitions of self they imply.

Fran recalled that, as a child, “I was so attached to my mother. She could make me feel so good when she paid attention to me. But I always knew those feelings could disappear in a second if I missed her wish or didn’t fix some upset feeling. My father was a salesman and away a lot and he was also an emotionally distant person. I understand now that my mother had some trauma in her childhood. Her mother died when she was very young. But it’s hard to think she was, and still is, a fragile, needy person when she seems so large and powerful to me. I see that now, but it doesn’t change the power she had over me then and even now.”

I wondered: “How is she powerful now?”

Fran replied: “She’s going to be 80 and she looks so small. But maybe that makes it worse. I worry even more that I can hurt her. Every time I don’t figure out correctly what she wants or fail to give it to her, she feels hurt. I remember one time, I must have been 8 or 9, and I wanted to go on a sleepover to my friend’s house. My father must have been on the road. I was pretty good at not asking for things I figured my mother wouldn’t want me to have. I didn’t want to upset her. Maybe I remember this because it was unusual for me to even let myself know what I wanted, let alone ask. But I asked and—I’ll never forget that look. It was so full of scary feelings. I probably couldn’t identify them at the time, but I guess there was anger, contempt, disgust directed at me. I think I was terrified. Probably what made it worse—and I can’t be absolutely sure of this memory—is that her words, which she said sweetly, were something like, ‘Oh, I thought we would spend some time together.’ She may not actually have told me that I couldn’t go, but I got the message she was the sweet mom and I was the mean daughter.”

The Child’s Adaptation to the Parent’s Needs

The parent’s caretaking of the child is conditional on the child’s success in caretaking the parent. Typically, the child will begin to feel like a bad person for not fulfilling the parent’s wishes and desires. These feelings are learned early through the parent’s conscious, unconscious, direct, and indirect communications. The most powerful lessons are not conveyed through words as much as through the child’s felt experiences of (1) anxiety for not responding successfully; (2) guilt for not being good enough; and/or (3) shame for being thoughtless, hurtful, neglectful, etc. of the parent.

The child learns (mostly unconsciously) to choose approval and love which they earn if they excel at recognizing and responding to the parent’s needs. Thus, to avoid painful feelings and create hope for good feelings, the child becomes hyper-focused on what the parent needs and wants. They must be hypervigilant in their attunement to the parent and dedicate themselves to keeping the parent in an emotionally even place. However, even if they are successful, the good feelings are transient and can easily be disrupted if the parent feels the child has loosened their vigilant devotion. Thus, the vigilance must not cease.

Fran’s awareness of what her mother wanted brought quick compliance. Most likely she was unaware of her own conflicts. The child’s anxious attention to their parent’s needs necessitates the (often unconscious) blocking out of awareness of their own wishes and desires. It is reasonable to assume that as Fran reacted to that look, her unconscious functioned to erase any desire to know or consider her own needs, allowing her to avoid bad feelings and focus on possible good feelings spending time with her mother. It’s also possible that simply expressing her desire for the sleepover might have ruled out any approval for Fran’s ultimate compliance.

The emotional caretaker has little choice but to become a compliant person who is dependent on the parent to be the ultimate definer of who they are, what they need, and how they should think and feel about themselves. Self-reflection, discovering one’s own desires and feelings, learning what one wants, and feeling comfortable about getting it can be dangerous. This dynamic does not support the child’s growth and development into a unique individual who can feel confident, worthy, safe, and secure.

Becoming Free of the Emotional Caretaker Response

The process of becoming a person who can know what they need and be comfortable asking for it, instead of automatically caretaking the significant other, can be difficult and painful. Since prioritizing the other has been well developed to avoid horrific feelings, it is understandable that changing this behavior will require tolerating the many feelings from significant others that have been vigilantly avoided.

Learning to value oneself, and learning to feel comfortable considering oneself a priority, will evoke those old feelings. It is a formidable task to question the basis of those feelings and contemplate rejecting the definitions of self they imply. The early parent-child relationship needs to be explored, and it will be painful to recognize the parent’s role in creating these bad self-feelings. Additional pain can be expected as one attempts to change behaviors in relation to significant others. What is difficult, but necessary, is to develop the tolerance for the emergence of bad feelings while changing behavior from always prioritizing the significant other to giving equal consideration to oneself.

As one becomes increasingly aware of one’s own needs, it may be emotionally demanding to say no to loved ones and choose oneself. The goal is to develop the ability to find balance between attending to those we love and prioritizing ourselves. This balance is developed simultaneously with the growth of new definitions of self as a person who feels secure, valuable, confident, and loveable.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Large group of blue morpho butterflies (Morpho peleides) as a background with one orange butterfly in the foreground.Some people have difficulty comfortably accepting qualities and capacities about themselves that are notable. They feel anxiety and shame if they even consider they might be special in any way. Fears of being criticized or seen as egotistical or arrogant and worries about being humiliated or made to feel small function to keep these people in check. Risks of competition and the dread of envy can stifle good self-feelings and inhibit relationships. It is too dangerous to come out in the world as anything other than unexceptional and unremarkable.

“I have the idea you didn’t believe me when I just said how smart you are,” I said to Jason as I responded to his skeptical look and apparent discomfort. Still looking uncomfortable, he replied, “You’re sort of right. It’s not that I think that you’re lying, but I think you’re wrong. I know I’m intelligent, but you seem to be implying that I’m especially smart and that’s just not so. I’m not the kind of smart that warrants any special mention.”

Jason and I began to look at his feelings and his need to not be seen as out of the ordinary. I asked about his associations or memories to feeling anxious when thinking he might be special. He immediately responded with a story of when he was 10 years old and came home from school excited about making the soccer team:

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“I remember being at dinner with my family and feeling excited and describing how I tried out for the team and made a goal. I was beside myself with joy. My father told me, ‘Calm down, it’s not like you’re a star athlete. Better not be so full of yourself, your teammates won’t like it.’ I tried to hold back my tears. Even now, when I remember this I think about what a fool I made of myself, thinking I was such a big deal.”

I wondered aloud to Jason: “Perhaps the message you heard was not only that you were not remarkable for not making the team, but that if you acted as if you were, peers would react badly.”

Jason responded: “Yes, I remember feeling proud and that I was special and then I got scared my friends could think I was conceited. It made me anxious. I suppose I got a lot of messages that made me feel the things I did weren’t special, that there was nothing about me that was special and I shouldn’t feel special. It was confusing because sometimes I did feel like I did special things. I won a math medal in high school and was a straight-A student in math. But neither of my parents said much about it other than something like, ‘That’s nice.’ I wish I was really smart, but if I let myself believe that for even an instant, I feel ashamed and conceited and would never want anyone to think I could have such high-and-mighty thoughts about myself. I tell myself to stop fooling myself, but I’m never clear about what’s true about me.”

Jason and I worked on his anxiety and his underdeveloped ability to reliably have a sense of himself. He learned to use the world as a mirror to see all the ways in which he is responded to: positively, negatively, and even superlatively. As we worked, it became apparent Jason was frightened to engage competitively in the world. He acknowledged:

“It’s dangerous to do too well. I picked a career in technology where I work pretty much as a loner. I don’t have to put myself out there where others can compare themselves to me. I don’t want to feel their judgments that I don’t measure up. Worse would be if they saw me as very successful and envied me or wanted to tear me down and be better than me.”

When Jason’s father implied his teammates might not like it if Jason was a star on the team, he may have been (consciously or unconsciously) communicating it was dangerous to engage competitively and to be envied. While I don’t know if this was the case, Jason seems to have internalized the idea he is not a person who is remarkable or who does outstanding things. This idea may have developed as a defense against becoming a target of destructive envy and/or of being humiliated.

Lily, like Jason, is a person who suppresses herself by swallowing good self-feelings and by silencing herself in order to avoid anxiety, humiliation, envy, and/or a wide range of bad-person feelings. Lily is in serious conflict about who she is. Not only does she feel clueless about her abilities and talents, but she is especially uncertain about her physical appearance: is she pretty, attractive, fat, sexy? Or is she unattractive, plain, and unappealing? To keep herself safe from unwanted and intolerable feelings (her own and others’), Lily needs to remain ignorant about what she looks like, who she is, and what she feels.

I have been working with Lily for three years. The first time she walked into my office, I recall thinking how perfect she looked: a pretty, 45-year-old woman, beautifully dressed, with a perfectly made-up face and a stylish haircut flawlessly in place. However, underneath this façade was an intense degree of anxiety which she attempted to manage by her powerful drive to be in control of herself and her environment. What became clear early in our work was that Lily’s anxieties were connected with her strong fears about how she is perceived in the world:

Many of us carry messages from childhood that interfere with developing clarity about our identity and with having feelings of self-worth. Fears of self-aggrandizement, competition, and envy arouse feelings of ordinariness and impede emotional growth. The more we can recognize what these messages communicate and reality test their accuracy, the more of an ability we will have to know who we are and grow our multidimensional selves.

“I just don’t know how to think about myself. I want desperately to be liked, to be seen as beautiful and smart. I’m afraid this is going to sound crazy, but I know I’m pretty and smart and I’m also totally sure I’m unattractive and stupid. I can’t trust if I’m likable. It doesn’t take much—a funny glance or an unreturned email—to make me think the worst. One minute I think I’m amazing, and the next minute I feel like a nut case for thinking I could be so great and then I feel even worse for wishing it. My worst fear is everyone will find out I’m a narcissist and an egomaniac. I’ll be humiliated and feel destroyed when I’m reminded of the truth. It has to be a secret. Who the hell am I?”

Lily and I explored what might contribute to how she became a person who is so uncertain about who she is. As I got to know her, it was clear she was not only a classically attractive woman, but she also was smart and charming and quite likable. Why hadn’t she been able to internalize an accurate and positive sense of who she was? Why was it so anxiety-producing to acknowledge her good stuff to herself and to the world? Lily’s thoughts about these questions led to her memories of her relationship with her mother:

“Whenever I think about my mother, I hear her voice saying, ‘Why don’t you put more makeup on,’ or ‘You can’t go to school dressed like that,’ or she’d tell me I should go on a diet or how I should never act as if I knew more than boys. She told me people, especially boys, don’t like conceited girls who think they’re ‘so much.’ I was pretty sure she was telling me I wasn’t ‘so much.’ I believed and listened to every word she said.”

Lily continued:

“My parents divorced when I was 2, and my mother dated a lot but never remarried. I was very close to her. She was beautiful and always interested in her looks. She could spend hours trying on clothes or jewelry. I always got the feeling I couldn’t compete with her. Mostly it was all about appearance. But she never made me feel smart. I remember she once told me I didn’t have to be smart and I needed to work on my looks. I kept working on my looks, but I never got the feeling I got her approval for my mind or my body.”

Lily took on her mother’s view of how she should be and didn’t allow herself to consider what her own thoughts, feelings, and needs were. She learned to dismiss many of her positive self-feelings and think of them as conceit or unfounded. Lily’s need for her mother’s approval had been a powerful influence on Lily’s development. Now she was trying to become aware of her own sense of self so she could form an identity separate from her mother’s definitions. One day, Lily came to her session with great excitement:

“I kept wondering what was in it for my mother to have me think about myself so negatively and believe I should never feel or express good things about myself. I have this new idea maybe she was competitive with me! I think it is true. I was looking at pictures of me. I was pretty—a pretty little girl and a pretty teenager! Unbelievable! I don’t think she wanted me to know that. As long as I thought I wasn’t a pretty or desirable young girl, I didn’t feel like one and couldn’t act like one. I think she might have envied me.”

Lily and Jason are working on noticing the positive and appreciated ways in which they are seen. Experiences such as compliments, salary increases, smiles, and invitations are registering with new meanings. The anxieties of “being full of myself” are diminishing as Lily and Jason are better able to tolerate discomfort while developing an acceptance of their more-than-ordinary selves. As they continue to grow their unique and valued selves, issues of competition and envy continue to be addressed.

Many of us carry messages from childhood that interfere with developing clarity about our identity and with having feelings of self-worth. Fears of self-aggrandizement, competition, and envy arouse feelings of ordinariness and impede emotional growth. The more we can recognize what these messages communicate and reality test their accuracy, the more of an ability we will have to know who we are and grow our multidimensional selves.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Photo of young adult with brilliant smile laughing and looking off to one side, holding backpack straps out, standing on walking trailUnfortunately, all too often, I speak to people who struggle with their self-image. For the purpose of being entirely transparent, I sometimes do, too.

Here are things that sometimes surface in my conversations with others:

I saw a clip of the Today Show recently where they offered two women makeovers during an “Ambush Makeover” segment. One of the women was incredibly excited (it was her 50th birthday), and she was thrilled with the results of her “reveal.” The other woman expressed trepidation and stated she was more nervous than excited. The show’s staff assured her they’d take care of her.

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Upon seeing herself in the mirror afterward, and after the hosts exclaimed how gorgeous she looked, that woman calmly said “I like it” and then “My mom will like it” in a measured way, as though that was purportedly the correct response. Though she smiled broadly, it didn’t appear she was as ecstatic as the hosts. I got the feeling she might be eager to wash off the façade, that perhaps she never believed she needed a makeover in the first place. It was slightly awkward to watch because it drove home the notion one “should” want to present as aesthetically pleasing to others, even when one is perfectly content with being exactly as they are.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

One of the people with whom I work in therapy, when asked when she felt beautiful, replied “never,” her eyes welling with tears. As we continued our exploration of this subject, I asked her how she defined the word “beautiful.” She referenced someone from her past whom she described as kind, warm, smiling, welcoming, and friendly. That became a reference point for us, and she was then able to discern she had, in fact, felt beautiful at times.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

Here are some examples of things you can do to improve your relationship with yourself and feel more “beautiful”—according to your definition:

Think about what the word “beautiful” means specifically to you, and the moments in which you feel that way most deeply. How do you project your beauty into the world?

“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day.” —Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Rear view of person with long blonde hair sitting on suitcase at the end of a dockHow we treat ourselves affects our interactions with others. If I beat myself up for not being perfect, how will I be loving toward a friend or a romantic partner who has “failed” me? How will I be able to set realistic expectations for others if they aren’t realistic for me?

So often, we are unloving toward our perceived flaws. We criticize our bodies, without thanking our body parts for the important functions they serve. We criticize our personal qualities, without practicing compassionate curiosity. Our mistakes are rarely used as opportunities for growth. Instead, our mistakes are used to create a track record proving how “incompetent” we are.

In an ideal world, we would be in control of our lives and tailor them to our liking. In the real world, however, we are faced with messiness on a daily basis. There are more gray areas than black-and-white ones. Our plans don’t always pan out, and our expectations are not always met.

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It always surprises me how dehumanizing our problems can be. Anxiety convinces us that we are “crazy.” Depression convinces us that we are “worthless.” Perfectionism convinces us that we are “never enough.” Yet we invite these abusive voices into our daily routines. Whatever happened to healthy self-love and self-respect?

In today’s modern world, many people appear to be self-absorbed. We often spend more time on our phones than actually socializing with those around us. There is difference between being self-absorbed and practicing healthy self-love, however. Being self-absorbed centers on the idea of empty external validation. On the other hand, healthy self-love invites acceptance, integrity, and creates space for personal values. Healthy self-love is the ability to notice one’s “flaws” and attempt to improve those areas through compassionate healing. Healthy self-love allows a person to be human. Healthy self-love does not connect one’s self-worth to one’s performance.

Think about it: A lack of healthy self-love leaves us feeling ashamed and alone. Over time, a lack of self-love can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of emptiness. These issues develop such a centralized position in our lives that we may grow fearful of leaving them behind. We latch onto them as though our identities will be compromised if we try to move beyond what they have planned for us.

If it was up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

If it were up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

Our problems attempt to compare us to an unrealistic standard that is never consistent. The standard continues to grow as we age. As we age, the standard attempts to find a new cohort to compare us to.

We carry “suitcases” from childhood into adolescence. We fill up our suitcases with more unmet expectations and perceived disappointments and carry them over to adulthood. The cycle continues until the day we die or we realize our problems will never allow us to love ourselves.

When we judge others, it’s usually because they have “failed” to meet an expectation that our problems have set for us. Either we have “failed” to achieve that expectation as well, or we have “succeeded” at complying with the expectation. Lack of self-love steps in and whispers: “I have failed at meeting this expectation, and so has this person. I don’t like myself, so I don’t like this person, either.” Lack of self-love also can whisper: “I have complied with this certain expectation. This person has ‘failed’ to meet this particular expectation. They are not perfect and not worthy of my time.”

The way you treat others is a reflection of your internal dialogue with yourself. If you have cheated on a romantic partner, it is less about your romantic partner or the third person in the scenario. It is more about who you would have hoped to be with, alongside the third person. It is about you.

If you have judged another person, it is more about your relationship with mistakes or differences than it is about the other person. Problems have a way of tricking us into loyalty. Problems guide us to black-and-white thinking. Our goal is not to step away from personal values and morals. Our goal is to have acceptance and love for ourselves—enough acceptance that we are able to remind ourselves that we will be okay regardless of how others choose to live, regardless of other people’s actions.

Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the things you think you have not accomplished? Can you be compassionate with yourself and accept yourself so fully that you stop looking for others to do what you have “failed” at? Can you remind yourself that where you are at this very moment is exactly where you need to be?

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.