Many people experience self-doubt in relationships as a quiet, constant “checking†of other people-tone, facial expression and pauses before they even realize they’re doing it. What looks like being considerate is often the nervous system doing its job: trying to keep connection safe.
Self-Trust
Inner Critic
Self-Doubt
In this article:
- Why self-doubt in relationships can become automatic
- How hyper-attunement shows up day-to-day
- The emotional cost (and why it’s not your fault)
- How therapy helps rebuild self-trust safely
Gentle Reminder:
These patterns are often learned protections. The goal isn’t to shame them away, it’s to understand them and choose what fits your life now.
Understanding Self-Doubt in Relationships as a Learned Pattern
Many people notice that they become highly alert to subtle changes in another person’s tone, expression, or behaviour before they consciously understand why. A pause that feels slightly different, a shift in energy, or a momentary silence can prompt a rapid internal adjustment. The individual may soften their voice, phrase things carefully, or begin planning how to respond before a conversation has even unfolded.
Although this may appear to be sensitivity or thoughtfulness, for many it reflects a learned pattern in which trusting their own perception once felt unsafe. This pattern does not typically develop without context. It is often rooted in environments where expressing emotion, preference, or uncertainty led to tension, withdrawal, or criticism.
Some people learned this in childhood within families that were unpredictable or demanding. Others developed these responses later in intimate relationships where their recollections were challenged, their instincts questioned, or their needs dismissed. (This can resemble gaslighting, which is designed to make someone doubt their perceptions.) In both cases, the nervous system adapts by prioritising external cues over internal ones.
Over time, this becomes automatic. It no longer feels like a response to a specific person but rather the default way of navigating relationships, especially when self-doubt in relationships has become familiar.
Want a plain-language definition for what your body is doing?
If you keep noticing yourself scanning for shifts in tone or tension, GoodTherapy’s Hypervigilance article can help you name the pattern without blaming yourself.
Why These Responses Develop
When an individual learns that honesty or spontaneity may provoke conflict, they often begin to monitor the emotional climate around them. This is not a conscious decision; it is an adaptive response. The nervous system becomes finely attuned to signs of potential threat, even when no immediate danger is present.
Small changes in another person’s behaviour can trigger internal shifts long before conscious thought has caught up. These responses can take different forms. Some individuals become highly accommodating, adjusting themselves to avoid perceived tension. Others become calm and controlled, holding themselves tightly to prevent escalation.
Some apologise quickly, even when they are unsure what they have done wrong. Others withdraw internally, presenting a composed exterior while experiencing significant internal vigilance. The outward behaviours may differ, but the mechanism is the same: relying on external feedback feels safer than relying on one’s own internal signals.
This strategy often makes sense at the time it develops. It can help maintain connection, reduce conflict, and create a sense of stability in environments where emotional unpredictability is common. However, it can become limiting when it remains in place long after the original conditions have changed.
A helpful reframe: If you’ve been living with self-doubt in relationships, you may not be “too sensitive.†You may be highly trained in reading people, sometimes at the cost of reading yourself.
How Hyper-Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life
Over the long term, these patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from themselves. They may find it difficult to identify their own preferences, not because they lack clarity, but because they learned to stop consulting themselves.
They may notice that they anticipate other people’s reactions quickly and accurately yet struggle to articulate what they want in their own relationships. This can also affect decision-making. A person may gather extensive external input before committing to a choice, not out of indecision but out of a learned belief that their own instincts cannot be trusted without verification, another way self-doubt in relationships keeps reinforcing itself.
Common signs (that are easy to miss)
- Replaying conversations and searching for what you “did wrongâ€
- Over-explaining simple choices (“just in caseâ€)
- Needing reassurance even when you’re being reasonable
- Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
- Freezing or going blank during conflict
It is common for individuals with these patterns to excel professionally, particularly in roles that benefit from high sensitivity and relational awareness, while privately feeling unsure or exhausted. Hyper-attunement can also influence how someone experiences conflict. A raised voice, a change in posture, or an unexpected silence can trigger strong internal responses that feel disproportionate to the situation.
If people-pleasing is part of your pattern:
You might relate to this overview of people-pleasing tendencies and how they can impact boundaries and burnout.
The Emotional and Relational Impact
The cumulative effect of these patterns can be significant. People often describe feeling depleted, as though they are holding up two sides of every interaction: their own internal world and the emotional world of the other person. This can create a sense of being “switched on†at all times, with little space left for rest or spontaneity.
There can also be grief associated with recognising the pattern. Once the individual begins to see how automatic their responses have become, they may feel sadness for the years spent accommodating others or for the parts of themselves that became quiet in order to feel safe.
This recognition can bring clarity, yet it can also feel disorienting. It is common for people to expect relief once they understand the pattern, only to discover that the early stages of change feel unsettled instead. Some individuals notice an “identity wobble†when they begin to shift these behaviours.
If they have always been the calm one, the accommodating one, or the person who anticipates others’ needs, it can feel unclear who they are without those roles. This can create discomfort even when the change is positive. The familiar pattern, while limiting, may feel more predictable than the alternative, especially when self-doubt in relationships has functioned as a form of stability.
A small practice to rebuild self-trust (without forcing yourself)
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Pause: Notice the moment you start scanning for reassurance.
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Name it: “This is self-doubt in relationships showing up.â€
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Locate it: Where do you feel it in your body (chest, throat, stomach)?
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Choose one internal cue: “What do I believe happened?â€
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Try one micro-action: Ask a clarifying question instead of apologizing.
How Therapy Supports Change
Therapy provides a space in which these patterns can be explored without judgement or urgency. The goal is not to eliminate protective responses but to help individuals understand when they are occurring and whether they are still necessary.
As clients begin to notice their internal experiences with more understanding, they can experiment with expressing themselves more directly and observing the outcome. Over time, this helps the nervous system distinguish between past and present relational cues.
Exploring the roots of self-doubt:
Many people benefit from learning why they ignore their intuition in the first place. This article on overcoming self-doubt can be a supportive companion read between sessions.
For therapists, the work often involves pacing, containment, and helping clients identify internal resources that have become underused. Gentle exploration of bodily responses, emotional patterns, and relational expectations allows clients to build a more integrated sense of self. The therapeutic relationship offers a consistent, non-reactive environment in which new patterns can take root.
For individuals considering therapy, it is important to note that recognising these patterns is only the beginning. The process of change is gradual and often uncomfortable at first. However, with the right support, many people find that they begin to trust their own perspectives, express their needs more openly, and navigate relationships with greater confidence.
Grounding this in evidence-based understanding
When the body has been under chronic stress, it can stay activated longer than we want it to. That ongoing stress response can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, factors that make self-doubt in relationships easier to trigger (see Mayo Clinic’s overview of chronic stress).
Hyperarousal, feeling on edge, easily startled, “on guardâ€, is also a well-known trauma-related pattern (see NIMH’s PTSD information and MedlinePlus symptoms overview). And if your story includes sustained manipulation, the APA defines gaslighting as manipulation that leads someone to doubt their perceptions or understanding of events.
Trauma-informed therapy tends to emphasize safety, trustworthiness, and choice, principles outlined by SAMHSA’s trauma-informed guidance , so that change can happen without forcing or flooding.
Ready for support?
If self-doubt in relationships is affecting your day-to-day, you can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist by location, specialty, and approach.
If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this description, you may wish to explore this further with a trained therapist. If you’re considering working with me, a free 15-minute consultation through my GoodTherapy profile may be available to discuss whether this approach fits your circumstances.
About the Author
Jo-Anne Karlsson, MSc, GMBPsP, NBCC
Jo-Anne is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and Life Coach based in London (with telehealth available). She supports teens (15+) and adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, identity questions, and complex family dynamics, especially when relationships have felt confusing, demanding, or emotionally draining.
Her work integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting within a warm, direct, nonjudgmental space. Together, clients explore protective patterns, reduce shame and overthinking, and rebuild self-trust in a way that feels grounded and doable.
We all want to feel needed, appreciated, and connected. But when your sense of worth hinges on how much you do for others; when saying no feels dangerous or caring for yourself brings guilt; you might be caught in an over-accommodating loop. Caring deeply and showing up for others isn’t the problem. The trouble begins when your own needs fade so far into the background that you forget they’re even there.
Research shows that people pleasing behavior is more common than you might think, often having roots that stretch back into childhood and significantly impacting mental health outcomes.
What It Feels Like to Over-Accommodate
If you’re someone who regularly adjusts your plans, preferences, or even your personality to keep others happy, you might be stuck in an over-accommodating loop. This can look like being easygoing, selfless, or “low maintenance” on the outside – but inside, you may feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or exhausted.
While this pattern can be rooted in a genuine desire to help, it’s often driven by deeper fears: fear of conflict, fear of being a burden, fear of not being enough unless you’re useful. And those fears can quietly shape your relationships, your self-worth, and your overall well-being.
Common Signs of People Pleasing Behavior
Understanding the patterns of people pleasing behavior is crucial for recognizing when caring crosses into self-sacrifice:
Taking on Emotional Responsibility: You often feel responsible for keeping others happy or avoiding their discomfort, even when it’s not your job.
Struggling to Say No: Turning down requests makes you feel guilty, selfish, or worried someone will be upset.
Putting Yourself Last: Your own rest, needs, and boundaries get pushed aside to make room for others.
Guilt Around Self-Care: Doing something for yourself feels indulgent – or even wrong.
Resentment or Burnout: You feel drained or underappreciated, but you keep giving anyway.
Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen notes that people pleasers are at significantly higher risk for workplace burnout due to their difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to additional responsibilities.
The Trap in Romantic Relationships
People pleasing behavior can really show up in romantic relationships, especially with partners who are more self-focused or entitled. If you’re overly other-oriented, you might feel pulled to caretake, smooth things over, or manage the other person’s moods. Your needs take a backseat, sometimes so far back you lose sight of them entirely.
Without meaning to, you may even reinforce the idea that the relationship revolves around their wants – because you keep showing up, quietly stretching yourself thinner. Over time, this dynamic can leave you feeling resentful, emotionally alone, or unsure what you even want from a partner.
Change starts by noticing these patterns, getting curious about them, and slowly learning to voice your needs and limits. That’s not selfish – it’s how mutual relationships are built.
Where People Pleasing Behavior Comes From
This habit of over-accommodating usually isn’t random. Most people learned it somewhere. Sometimes, the pattern forms in response to unspoken expectations – subtle cues that your role was to be the helper, the fixer, the one who stayed calm. Even if no one ever said it out loud, you may have absorbed the message that your value came from being easy, helpful, or emotionally low maintenance.
Research indicates that people pleasing behavior often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional. If caregivers only validated them when they were obedient, accommodating, or high-achieving, they may have learned that their worth depends on meeting others’ expectations.
Maybe you grew up in a household where conflict felt dangerous, so you kept the peace. Maybe you had a parent who struggled, and you stepped into the role of emotional support. Or maybe you were simply rewarded for being the one who didn’t “cause trouble.” When your safety or connection depended on being agreeable, helpful, or invisible, it makes sense that you internalized those ways of coping. They helped you survive then, but they might be hurting you now.
Moving Toward Balance: Overcoming People Pleasing Behavior
You don’t have to stop being caring or supportive. But what if your own needs got equal airtime? What if tending to your well-being wasn’t something you earned after taking care of everyone else? These changes don’t happen overnight, but they’re possible with time, practice, and support.
Here are a few steps toward that kind of shift:
Practice Assertiveness: Speak up about your preferences and needs – even in small ways. Start where it feels hard, but possible. Studies show that learning assertiveness skills is crucial for breaking free from people pleasing patterns.
Make Self-Care Non-Negotiable: Rest, connection, creativity – whatever refuels you – deserves space on your calendar.
Challenge the Guilt: Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s sustainable.
Notice the Roots: Start gently unpacking where these patterns came from. What were you taught about your role in relationships?
Seek Out Mutuality: Surround yourself with people who want to know the real you – not just the version who shows up for them.
FAQ: Understanding People Pleasing Behavior
Q: Is people pleasing behavior a mental health condition? A: While not a diagnosable condition itself, chronic people pleasing behavior is often linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and codependency. It can also be a trauma response known as “fawning.”
Q: How do I know if my helping is healthy or unhealthy? A: Healthy helping comes from choice and maintains your boundaries. Unhealthy people pleasing feels compulsive, leaves you drained, and often involves sacrificing your own needs consistently.
Q: Can people pleasing behavior be changed? A: Yes! With awareness, practice, and often professional support, people can learn to set healthy boundaries, practice assertiveness, and build self-worth independent of others’ approval.
Q: What’s the difference between being kind and people pleasing? A: Kindness comes from genuine care and choice, while people pleasing is driven by fear, guilt, or the need for approval. Kind people can say no when needed; people pleasers struggle with this.
Q: How long does it take to overcome people pleasing habits? A: Recovery is a gradual process that varies for each person. Some may see changes in weeks with consistent practice, while deeply ingrained patterns may take months or years to fully transform.
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
Being someone who cares deeply is a gift. But when that care becomes a quiet erasure of your own needs, it can be a heavy burden to carry. You deserve relationships that go both ways – and a life that honors your needs just as much as anyone else’s.
Healing people pleasing behavior doesn’t mean giving less. It means giving in a way that includes you – where your voice, your needs, and your inner steadiness are part of the equation. You’re allowed to show up fully, not just as the one who helps, but as someone equally worthy of care.
We all carry stories, internal messages about who we are, what we deserve, and what’s possible for us. Many of these beliefs were formed long before we had the language to challenge them. They were shaped by early experiences, family patterns, cultural expectations, and sometimes, trauma.
These stories become core beliefs, deep, automatic assumptions that influence how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Some core beliefs empower us. Others limit us. But regardless of their origin, they significantly affect our emotional health, relationships, and ability to respond to life’s challenges.
This article explores how core beliefs develop, how they impact well-being, and how five resilience-building principles can help individuals identify, challenge, and rewrite these deeply rooted narratives.
What Are Core Beliefs?
Core beliefs are foundational thoughts that guide how we interpret situations and respond to stress. They can be conscious or unconscious, helpful or harmful. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that these deeply held assumptions significantly influence our emotional responses and behavioral patterns.
Common limiting core beliefs may include:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “If I fail, I am a failure.”
- “People always leave.”
- “It’s not safe to show emotion.”
- “I have to put everyone else’s needs before mine.”
Often, these beliefs originate from environments where emotional needs were unmet, where survival, shame, or silence took priority over affirmation, safety, and expression. While these beliefs may have once been protective, they often become barriers in adulthood.
How Core Beliefs Affect Mental Health
Negative or rigid core beliefs can silently sabotage well-being by shaping behaviors, decisions, and interpretations of events. They show up in ways like:
- Anxiety: “I have to stay in control or something bad will happen.”
- Depression: “I’m unlovable. Nothing will ever get better.”
- Relationship struggles: “If I let people get close, I’ll get hurt.”
- Burnout: “My worth is based on how much I do for others.”
- Avoidance: “It’s better to be alone than risk being rejected.”
These beliefs distort reality and often go unchallenged. But they can be rewritten, through intentional self-reflection, connection, and growth. Core beliefs research demonstrates that identifying and modifying these deep-seated assumptions is crucial for therapeutic success.
Using the 5 Resilience Principles to Shift Core Beliefs
1. Self-Awareness & Emotional Regulation
“Name it to tame it.”
The first step is recognizing when a core belief is at play. Heightened emotions, shame, fear, rage, hopelessness, often signal an internal story is activated.
Ask:
- “What am I telling myself right now?”
- “Is this belief true, or just familiar?”
- “Where did I learn this, and is it still serving me?”
Practices like deep breathing, journaling, or mindful pauses help bring space between emotion and reaction. When we understand the “why” behind our emotional patterns, we create space for more empowered responses.
Self-regulation is fundamental to building emotional resilience and breaking free from automatic patterns that no longer serve us.
 Take Action: Start a daily emotion check-in. Set a phone reminder for three times daily and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” and “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” This simple practice builds the self-awareness needed to recognize core beliefs in action.
2. Adaptive Thinking & Problem-Solving
“Challenge the thought. Change the outcome.”
Once aware of a limiting belief, explore alternatives:
- “Is there evidence this belief isn’t entirely true?”
- “Have I ever experienced something that contradicts it?”
- “What would a more balanced or compassionate belief sound like?”
For example, “I always mess up” might shift to “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning and growing.”
This process, often called cognitive restructuring, replaces harsh inner narratives with more realistic, supportive ones. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) specifically focuses on identifying and reshaping these core beliefs that drive emotional distress.
📝 Try This Exercise: Choose one limiting belief you’ve identified about yourself. Write it at the top of a page, then create three columns: “Evidence For,” “Evidence Against,” and “Balanced Alternative.” Spend 10 minutes filling out each column. Often, you’ll discover the evidence against far outweighs the evidence for your limiting belief.
3. Connection & Support Systems
“You don’t have to do this alone.”
Many limiting beliefs are born in isolation or invalidation. Healing often happens in relationships that feel emotionally safe.
- Sharing vulnerably with a trusted friend
- Participating in support groups or community spaces
- Working with a therapist or mentor
- Being around people who reflect back your value and worth
Relational connection helps counter the belief that we are unworthy, alone, or “too much.” It reinforces that healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens when we are seen, heard, and accepted.
Building resilience through connection is one of the most powerful ways to challenge beliefs rooted in early experiences of disconnection or trauma.
Connection Challenge: This week, reach out to one person who makes you feel valued and accepted. Share something vulnerable, perhaps a struggle you’re facing or a belief you’re questioning. Notice how being truly seen and supported challenges any beliefs about being “too much” or unworthy of care.
4. Health Routines & Self-Care
“Your habits reflect your beliefs.”
Daily habits often mirror our deepest assumptions. If rest feels indulgent, perhaps there’s a belief that “my worth depends on productivity.” If boundaries feel selfish, perhaps the message is “my needs don’t matter.”
Rewriting core beliefs isn’t just mental, it’s behavioral. Every time we:
- Rest when tired
- Say no to something overwhelming
- Eat nourishing food
- Move our bodies kindly
- Seek joy without guilt
…we send a new message to our nervous system and inner world: “I matter. I am enough. I am allowed to take care of myself.”
Over time, these small acts rewire old scripts and build a foundation of sustainable well-being. Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in recognizing and responding to our authentic needs.
Weekly Self-Care Audit: Each Sunday, review the past week and identify three moments when you honored your needs (or could have). Ask: “What belief drove my choice to care for myself or neglect myself?” Then plan one specific self-care action for the coming week that challenges any limiting beliefs about your worthiness.
5. Purpose, Meaning & Future Vision
“You are not your past. You are what you choose to believe next.”
Core beliefs are not destiny, they’re stories. And stories can be edited.
Begin asking:
- “What kind of person do I want to become?”
- “What beliefs would support that version of me?”
- “What actions can I take today to live into that new belief?”
If the goal is to believe “I am capable,” consider trying something new, even if small. If the desired belief is “I’m worthy of love,” start with allowing someone to care for you or asking for what you need.
Each step moves you closer to a new narrative, one rooted in truth rather than fear or survival. Values clarification can be particularly helpful in identifying what truly matters to you beyond old belief systems.
Future Self Visualization: Spend 15 minutes writing about the person you want to become in one year. What would they believe about themselves? How would they treat themselves and others? What actions would they take daily? Then identify one small action you can take today that aligns with this future version of yourself.
The Science Behind Core Belief Change
Recent advances in cognitive behavioral therapy research have shown that core beliefs can be effectively modified through structured therapeutic interventions. Studies demonstrate that when individuals learn to identify and challenge their automatic thoughts and underlying beliefs, they experience significant improvements in mood, anxiety, and overall psychological well-being.
The key is understanding that these beliefs, while deeply rooted, are not fixed. They developed through experience and can be changed through new experiences, insights, and intentional practice.
Your Beliefs Can Change, And So Can You
No one chooses the messages they’re given as a child. But every person has the power to choose which beliefs they carry into the future.
Core beliefs are powerful, but not permanent. With awareness, support, and consistent action, you can shift the internal script from one of limitation to one of possibility.
Start by noticing. Then by challenging. Then by choosing something new.
And remember: rewriting the story doesn’t mean the old story didn’t matter, it means you’ve decided you matter more.
Ready to Transform Your Core Beliefs? If you’re feeling overwhelmed by limiting beliefs or want professional guidance in rewriting your inner narrative, consider working with a qualified therapist. Find a therapist near you who specializes in cognitive approaches and core belief work. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Key Takeaways
- Core beliefs are changeable: Despite their deep roots, these fundamental assumptions can be identified and modified with the right approach
- Emotional regulation is foundational: Learning to recognize when beliefs are activated creates space for conscious choice
- Connection accelerates healing: Supportive relationships provide the safety needed to challenge long-held assumptions
- Small actions create big changes: Daily habits that align with new beliefs gradually rewire old patterns
- Professional support helps: Therapists trained in cognitive approaches can guide the process of core belief transformation
If you’re struggling with limiting core beliefs that impact your daily life, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional. Finding good therapy that focuses on your individual needs can provide the support and tools necessary for lasting change.
📞 Take the Next Step: Ready to work with a professional? Visit GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory to find qualified mental health professionals in your area who specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, core belief work, and resilience building. Many offer initial consultations to help you find the right fit.
Earlier this week I participated for the first time in a “ladies’ night out” tennis round robin event in my community. Throughout the evening, I found myself noticing how many exclamations of “sorry†I kept hearing across all the courts.
From my work in leading self-esteem workshops, I know many women tend to personalize mistakes and over-apologize for even the smallest of errors. Thus, I found it amusing to witness firsthand how many apologies were being thrown around during what was ultimately a laid-back, fun event.
I began to wonder: Do men say “sorry†this much when they are playing sports? Do they apologize for every missed shot or fumble? While I don’t know for sure, I assume that overall, women probably do this more often. This is not meant to stereotype, but the fact is, in general, women seem to struggle with the tendency to over-apologize. And it likely relates to self-esteem.
While looking at research for my recently released book The Self-Esteem Workbook for Women: 5 Steps to Gaining Confidence and Inner Strength, I came across the results of an interesting study that found women do have lower levels of self-esteem than men and this discrepancy is observed worldwide (Bleidorn, 2016).
In recent years, we are learning more and more about the brain and figuring out how neurological factors play a role in various conditions. Historically, few studies have looked at the neurological basis of self-esteem; however, a 2014 Dartmouth College study showed that levels of self-esteem are related to how different regions of the brain connect: People with strong white matter connections from the medial prefrontal cortex, the area dealing with self-knowledge, to the ventral striatum, the area dealing with reward systems, demonstrated high levels of self-esteem over the long-term. A well-functioning connection with high levels of activity between these two areas correlated with high self-esteem in the moment. These results suggest that feelings of self-worth may stem from neurological connections integrating information about the self with positive affect and reward.
This description may sound complicated and highly technical, but the important point behind this research is that connections and integrations in the brain play a role in self-esteem. And these connections may work differently for men and women.
It’s interesting to consider how biology contributes to the self-esteem differences we witness between genders, but what does this mean for women? Because women appear to be predisposed to lower levels of self-esteem, it’s all the more important for women to actively take steps to build self-esteem. How do we do this?
Unfortunately, the tools necessary to help build self-esteem aren’t taught in childhood or in most school systems; often, they are things individuals learn only when they wind up struggling with mood or relationship problems that cause them to seek help. But I believe everyone, especially women, deserves self-confidence and can benefit from developing an awareness of what it takes to find inner strength. Because self-esteem impacts every area of life—career, relationships, parenting, emotional health, and overall well-being—it’s vital to gain a better understanding of how you can actively build and maintain a healthy sense of self-worth.
Because women appear to be predisposed to lower levels of self-esteem, it’s all the more important for women to actively take steps to build self-esteem.
In The Self-Esteem Workbook for Women, I provide five steps with exercises and case studies to guide women in improving their self-esteem. Outlined below is an overview. For a deeper look into the five steps, I encourage you to check out the workbook, where you can move though each step on a personal level and at your own pace.
1. Know Yourself
Building self-esteem first involves knowing who you are: identifying what you like, knowing what you want out of life, and developing an awareness of how your past experiences have shaped the person you are today. It requires paying attention to how you treat yourself and developing an awareness of the internal messages you grapple with.
2. Care for Yourself
Developing healthy self-esteem also encompasses recognizing how powerful your internal voice is and learning to rewire your brain by developing more effective thinking patterns. It involves acting as your own cheerleader and being mindful that things such as diet, exercise, sleep, and setting realistic expectations all play a role in how you feel about yourself. Beyond the basics, caring for yourself means ensuring you take time out to nurture your spirit by doing things you enjoy.
3. Respect Yourself
Respecting yourself is vital to maintaining healthy self-esteem. It involves assessing and upholding your values without sacrificing your well-being to please others. It’s about developing trust in yourself and learning skills to become more assertive.
4. Accept Yourself
Fostering healthy self-esteem involves acknowledging your limits and imperfections, accepting mistakes, and learning to more effectively deal with criticisms. It necessitates knowing your threshold for stress, developing self-compassion, and forgiving yourself for faults or missteps.
5. Love Yourself
To truly demonstrate self-esteem, you must believe in your worth and care about your future. Loving yourself means treating yourself as well as you treat friends and loved ones. Doing this involves creating better boundaries in relationships. It also entails celebrating your strengths and learning to accept compliments.
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These steps may sound overly simplistic; conversely, they may sound overwhelming. But building healthy self-esteem is possible. It does require you to actively turn inward and develop a greater sense of self-awareness. With dedicated effort, focused attention, and a willingness to put new tools into practice, you can build self-esteem and experience a greater level of confidence. Doing so will help you to ultimately achieve a more rewarding life.
If you struggle with self-esteem, contact a licensed therapist in your area.
References:
- Bleidorn, W., Denissen, J.A., Gebauer, J. E., Arslan, R.C., Rentfrow, P.J., Potter, J., & Gosling, S.D. (2016, September 1). Age and Gender Differences in Self-Esteem—A Cross-Cultural Window. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(3): 396-410.
- Dartmouth researchers discover a source of self-esteem in the brain. (2014, June 16). Retrieved from https://www.dartmouth.edu/press-releases/brainselfesteem061614.html
- MacCutcheon, M. (2018). The self-esteem workbook for women: 5 steps to gaining confidence and inner strength. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press.
Self-esteem has been a pop psychology topic for decades. People often focus on it in therapy. We often speak about it with flowery and shallow language, though there is a plethora of research about the topic. Self-esteem is influenced by evolution, childhood, rejection, social group stability, and, most importantly, beliefs.
Stick with me.
I’m going to make all this neuro-psychobabble palatable.
What Are Beliefs?
Our beliefs about ourselves are formed through recurring experiences with the world. Those beliefs have an enormous influence on how our personality develops. They dictate when we feel safe, what we think is funny, who we’re attracted to, and virtually every other part of our experience. Due to how our beliefs are stored in the brain, though, they’re not intellectual and logical. They’re emotional and difficult to analyze, but they paint our reality.
Belief Perseverance
One of psychology’s more reliable phenomena is human beings’ tendency to make use of invalidated information. When we learn information about others or ourselves, it’s difficult to unlearn it. This is why you can’t shake the belief you’re bad at math, because your second-grade teacher told you so.
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How Children Develop Beliefs
Our brains develop the ability to understand other people’s perspectives (both visually and mentally) at around 2-3 years old. This is when the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) begins to develop. The mPFC plays a fundamental role in self-reflection, person perception, and theory of mind (ToM.) Thus, the mPFC serves as a key region in understanding self and others. This is when a child might begin to take interest in the wiggles, but doesn’t understand that every guest who walks into the house doesn’t share the interest.
At around age 4-5, children begin to understand that two people in different places see different things or see things in different ways (both visually and mentally). At this age, your child will realize that the wiggles aren’t everyone’s cup of tea (whew!).
The mPFC is activated when a person is asked to make context-independent judgments about themselves. An example of this is the statement, “I am smart.†This statement doesn’t depend on your grades or how many books you’ve read. This is just a statement of your positive feelings about your intellect.
Our ability to make positive judgments about ourselves is rooted in our childhood. In neuro-imaging studies conducted with adolescents, mPFC activation decreases with age. By adolescence, context-independent judgments are fairly solidified. Therefore, when criticism is normalized in childhood, a person may tend to perceive others as highly critical.
How Much Do Our Beliefs About Others Impact Our Lives?
How we process social rejection is largely decided by our perceptions of others. Our beliefs about the intentions of others ultimately determines how we will behave in various situations.
A study published earlier this month explains how we decide whether to cooperate, based on our beliefs about the intentions of other people. If you believe others are generally open and pleasant, you are likely to decide that being a part of a team is the most beneficial decision. If you believe people are generally critical, you are likely to do the opposite.
Watch Your Attitude
One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others. When a parent models gossip about others as normal communication, a child may easily generalize that people are critical.
One of the most common scenes that people in therapy go back to, in digging to the roots of self-esteem issues, is listening to their parents speak poorly of others.
On the other hand, parents who focus on providing a warm and positive relationship with their child are shown to increase self-worth in their children during adolescence and adulthood. When people believe that the world is a generally loving place, they are less likely to experience mistrust and neurosis. Brené Brown suggests “(…) we need to be the adults we want our children to be. We should watch our own gossiping and anger. We should model the kindness we want to see.â€
A parent who consistently gossips around their child and is critical of others, even if they are not critical of the child directly, provides a recurring negative and socially unsafe experience of the world. This can cause a feeling of disconnection with the parent.
Negative Memories and the Brain
Our brains hold tightly to memories connected with negative emotions and experiences, especially those where we feel unsafe, criticized, or rejected. The memories are categorized by the brain as critical in preparing for future potential crises.
In fact, with even the smallest of events, negative experience or rejection is remembered three times more powerfully than positive experience. Research shows that, on average, the brain requires five positive experiences to convince itself that the one bad experience was a fluke.
Why Acceptance and Rejection Matter
Social rejection and disconnection is devastating to humans. From an evolutionary standpoint, the more primal part of our brain understands that an isolated human is not suited to survive. Our ancestors depended on the acceptance of a group to live and procreate. Without a stable group of people to belong to, rejection can cause major negative neural, biological, emotional, and behavioral responses.
When a person experiences rejection or disconnection, the following things occur:
- The heart slows down.
- Hormone levels shift—progesterone (the connection hormone) decreases and cortisol (the stress hormone) increases.
- The brain regions associated with communicating pain are activated.
These changes result in aggression and discomfort. Studies have shown, though, that a rejected person who is offered even a small bit of acceptance from a stranger will significantly reduce their aggression and their physiological symptoms will decrease drastically.
Tips for Developing Self-Esteem
There’s an extensive knowledge base when it comes to self-esteem! Here are some pointers for developing it.
For yourself:
- Identify the relationships where you feel most accepted. Put time and energy into those relationships and enjoy the connection that comes from belonging.
- Share the scary, vulnerable stuff with trustworthy loved ones. Exposing your less pristine self, and having someone tell you that they understand and relate, relieves self-doubt and isolation.
- If you’re feeling rejected and doubting yourself, pop a Tylenol. The part of your brain that processes social rejection is the same part that processes physical pain. During two studies, researchers found overwhelming evidence that taking Tylenol (as opposed to a placebo) drastically reduced neural activation in the brain’s pain centers and relieved emotional discomfort.
- Take an eight-week course in mindfulness. Mindfulness has been shown to increase cortical thickness, activate the PFC, and improve neuroplasticity, which all support positive changes in context-independent self-judgments.
As a parent:
- Provide a safe environment that encourages kindness and connection.
- Be vulnerable with your child, connect to their difficult experiences, and give them a place to belong. This will reduce the need to belong to an unstable peer group and cow down to the whims of bullies.
References:
- Amodio, D. M., & Frith, C. D. (2006). Meeting of minds: The medial frontal cortex and social cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 7, 268-277.
- Castro Santa, J., Exadaktylos, F., & Soto-Faraco, S. (2018). Beliefs about others’ intentions determine whether cooperation is the faster choice. Scientific Reports, 8, 7509.
- DeWall, C. N., & Bushman, B. J. (2011, August 8). Social acceptance and rejection: The sweet and the bitter. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(4), 256-260.
- DeWall, C. N., MacDonald, G., Webster, G. D., Masten, C., Baumeister, R. F., & Powell, C. (2010). Acetaminophen reduces social pain: Behavioral and neural evidence. Psychological Science, 21, 931-937.
- DeWall, C. N., Twenge, J. M., Bushman, B. J., Im, C., & Williams, K. D. (2010). Acceptance by one differs from acceptance by none: Applying social impact theory to the rejection-aggression link. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1, 168-174.
- Dickerson, S. S., & Kemeny, M. E. (2004). Acute stressors and cortisol responses: A theoretical integration and synthesis of laboratory research. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 355-391.
- Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290-292.
- Frith, C. D., & Frith, U. (2006). The neural basis of mentalizing. Neuron, 50, 531-534.
- Gilbert, C. D., & Sigman, M. (2007, June 7). Brain states: Top-down influences in sensory processing. Neuron, 54(5), 677-96.
- Grossmann, T. (2013). The role of medial prefrontal cortex in early social cognition. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 340.
- Guenther, C., & Alicke, M. D. (2008). Self-enhancement and belief perseverance. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 706-712.
- Gunther Moor, B., Crone, E. A., & van der Molen, M. W. (2010). The heartbrake of social rejection: Heart rate deceleration in response to unexpected peer rejection. Psychological Science, 21, 1326–1333.
- Johnson, M. H., Grossmann, T., & Cohen Kadosh, K. (2009). Mapping functional brain development: Building a social brain through interactive specialization. Developmental Psychology, 45, 151-159.
- Kogan, J. (2012, October). Brené Brown: Be the adult you want your children to be. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/brene-brown-be-the-adult-you-want-your-children-to-be/2012/10/04/b5bdbd9c-0ca6-11e2-a310-2363842b7057_blog.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.efd5625936d1
- Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., & Fischl, B. (2005). Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. Neuroreport,16(17), 1893-1897.
- Maner, J. K., Miller, S. L., Schmidt, N. B., & Eckel L. A. (2010). The endocrinology of exclusion: Rejection elicits motivationally tuned changes in progesterone. Psychological Science, 21, 581-588.
- Martial, C., Stawarczyk, D., & D’Argembeau, A. (2018). Neural correlates of context-independent and context-dependent self-knowledge. Brain and Cognition, 125, 23-31.
- McAdams, T. A., Rijsdijk, F. V., Narusyte, J., Ganiban, J. M., Reiss, D., Spotts, E., … Eley, T. C. (2017). Associations between the parent-child relationship and adolescent selfâ€worth: A genetically informed study of twin parents and their adolescent children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 58(1), 46-54.
- Sathyanarayana Rao, T. S., Asha, M. R., Jagannatha Rao, K. S., & Vasudevaraju, P. (2009). The biochemistry of belief. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 51(4), 239-241.
- Schurz, M., Aichhorn, M., Martin, A., & Perner, J. (2013). Common brain areas engaged in false belief reasoning and visual perspective taking: A meta-analysis of functional brain imaging studies. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 712.
- Tugend, A. (2012, March 23). Praise is fleeting, but brickbats we recall. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html
- We remember bad items better than good. (2007, August 28). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/08/070828110711.htm
One summer afternoon two years ago, I sat in a windowless office listening to the traumatic, heartbreaking story of a person I was providing therapy to. It was my first job after becoming a licensed social worker.
As I listened to her, my heart started to race, and my palms started to sweat. The room suddenly felt like it was 100 degrees. I saw myself in my assailant’s grip and remembered that time with my father. I heard all those years’ worth of belittling messages from family members. I felt the sting of rejection, the pain of grief, the heat of anger, the turmoil of anxiety, and the weight of sadness all in a single, crystallized moment.
Only hearing bits and pieces of what she said, I clenched my hand over my heart and said, “I’m so sorry.†But I’m not sure if that was meant more for her or for me.
I had heard the word “trigger†in classes, and I knew the warning signs. Though I had been warned of the risks of workplace retraumatization for therapists, I was totally unaware of my own vulnerability. [fat_widget_right]
I didn’t know at the time that my recognition of this moment would kick-start a two-year journey of self-study, a process that incorporated supervision, therapy, and nutritional counseling to undo my history’s disempowering chokehold on my life.
Empowerment to Avoid Retraumatization
Trauma, abuse, prejudice, and bigotry can hide truth and disempower us. All of these experiences can mute our agency, our authority, and our choices.
The most important relationship for us to develop is the one we share with ourselves. And while all relationships involve power, many of us are disillusioned and disconnected from our inner power.
Social work can be described as an approach of resource-oriented support that helps promote self-determination and autonomy by enhancing strengths in the face of destructive systems. Empowerment lies at the center of the social work profession. Fostering empowerment is at the core of what I do professionally, in my work as both a care manager and a therapist, but I was delayed in the development of my own empowerment.
The most important relationship for us to develop is the one we share with ourselves. And while all relationships involve power, many of us are disillusioned and disconnected from our inner power.
The process of empowerment includes cultivation of self-worth; the right to have access to choices, opportunities and resources; the right to have power to control our own lives; and the ability to influence the direction of social change. Empowerment requires us to seek, cultivate, maintain, and support our inner power, as well as that of others. We can do this through psychoeducation, raising awareness, and developing confidence.
I used my own journey of empowerment to develop the following acronym to guide those I work with in therapy toward cultivating their own:Â ANCHOR
In order to ANCHOR ourselves in empowerment, we must seek:
Awareness
The most essential tool for any kind of personal change is awareness. With awareness, we can begin to learn how to make the best choices for ourselves. Practicing mindfulness can help us develop our awareness. If you would like to learn more about mindfulness, I recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Full Catastrophe Living. This book can help you better understand the mind-body connection and the ways in which mindfulness can foster well-being and healing.
Networks
We are social beings, wired and hungry for belonging and connection. Social support allows us to feel cared for and lets us know there are people in our lives who can help us when we need it. Social supports can manifest in both receiving and providing emotional, tangible, informational, or companionship resources.
To become more networked, try Meetup.com (or the Meetup app). Meetup connects people who are interested in similar activities, helping them connect with nearby people who have shared interests and find communities within communities.
Compassion
As Kristen Neff’s research indicates, we benefit from warmth, kindness, and understanding for ourselves and others when faced with shortcomings, disappointments, losses, transitions, and challenges. Many of us struggle to practice self-compassion when we are feeling low or down on ourselves. To develop compassion, for yourself or for others, consider what you might say to a friend who was in the same situation. Try those same words on yourself!
Hope
According to Charles Snyder, a specialist in positive psychology, hope is the optimistic expectation for positive outcomes. Hope is rooted in having goals with various pathways and the agency to achieve them. To develop hope, we must realistically consider our dreams and aspirations and the ways we can achieve them. This can often be productively addressed in therapy.
We can also cultivate hope by reaching out to our support systems and taking care of ourselves through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep. If you are reading this and feeling hopeless, please reach out for help to someone close to you or a trained professional, such as a doctor or therapist. You can find crisis resources here.
Ownership
We have a natural right to bodily integrity. In other words, we have exclusive control of our lives. Self-ownership is rooted in the principles of equality, choice, and self-love.
Ownership is often a natural byproduct of hope. To cultivate ownership, we can make a list of outcomes (not activites) that we can reasonably expect to achieve.
Respect
Respect for ourselves and others reflects an overall emotional evaluation of our own worth. This evaluation is often rooted in having confidence and dignity in our appearance, talents, and gifts.
To practice respect, we can engage in self-esteem building exercises. These exercises might include thinking positively about ourselves, acknowledging our strengths, and taking care of ourselves.
Empowered individuals are better able to empower others. By following these steps, we can begin to create a more just and compassionate world for all. If you aren’t sure how to begin, I encourage you to reach out for help. A compassionate, qualified counselor can offer support and guidance.
Did you know that the trait known as self-esteem or self-worth can greatly impact your mood? It can also affect your behavior and decisions. Self-worth is linked to higher levels of happiness and lower levels of stress. Meanwhile, someone with low self-esteem may experience shame, social isolation, and self-criticism.
These quotes and sayings about self-worth are for you. You can download them to keep as a personal reminder to value yourself. Or you can share them on social media as a reminder to your loved ones!
Self-worth can encourage habits that increase mental well-being. When the self is valued, we may be more likely to take good care of ourselves. One sign of high self-esteem is the ability to show yourself compassion. And when you can have compassion for yourself, you may be more likely to extend it to others. This can create a positive feedback loop that makes it easier for you to be kind to yourself and others! [fat_widget_right]
You may need a self-worth boost if you say negative things about yourself that you would never say to someone else. This habit, called negative self-talk, can increase negative emotions like worry, sadness, and powerlessness. Many people go through periods of low self-worth after a stressful or traumatic life event. If you are going through divorce, job loss, legal trouble, or something else, it is important to be kind to yourself and remember how valuable you are.
If you feel like low self-esteem is getting you down, talking to a therapist or counselor may help. Therapy can help you address what may be causing your feelings of low self-worth. It can also teach you strategies for boosting your self-confidence.
Reference:
Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003, May 1). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 1(4), 1-44. doi: 10.1111/1529-1006.01431
Low self-esteem has become an epidemic in our society. Feelings of unworthiness and an impaired self-image can occur starting at a young age and may lead to mental health issues, including depression and anxiety. People who lack confidence in their abilities may negatively compare themselves to others and may refrain from trying new things out of fear of failure.
Because of unrealistic media portrayals of what a healthy body looks like, young girls and women can be especially vulnerable to developing low self-esteem and body image issues. When girls are conditioned to believe skinny bodies are desirable and should be the norm, they may feel inadequate by comparison. According to a survey conducted in 2016, 69% of women and 65% of girls feel pressured to attain an unrealistic standard of “beauty.†The negative impact on their overall view of themselves can lead to decreased self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness, as well as “yo-yo dieting†and/or eating disorders.
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Social media can also contribute to an impaired view of self-worth, as many people tend to compare their lives with others and may feel they come up lacking. Seeing only happy moments and pictures posted online can create a discrepancy in what people would like to see in their own lives and the reality of what is happening. Understanding that social media portray an unrealistic and limited view of people’s experiences is important to keep in mind.
Because low self-esteem can be so harmful, finding ways to feel better about ourselves and our abilities is vital to our well-being. The following are some methods that can be used to help increase self-esteem:
- Don’t beat yourself up. A common issue for people with low self-esteem is negative self-talk. If you have a tendency to beat yourself up, try to replace the negative inner dialogue with positive statements about yourself. Look for your strengths and focus on these, rather than on your weaknesses. When you catch yourself berating yourself, replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations about yourself.
- Don’t compare yourself to other people. We are all special and unique, with different gifts to offer. Trying to become like others or to measure up to others’ standards can be exhausting and make us feel inadequate. Concentrate instead on being the best version of yourself that you can be and on improving on the innate skills you already possess.
- Avoid perfectionism. We are all human and therefore imperfect. Striving for an idealized version of yourself can be detrimental, as you will never be able to achieve perfection. While having attainable goals to work toward is important, don’t feel as if you have to do everything perfectly. Failure can actually be beneficial at times, as we may learn valuable lessons that can help us with future endeavors.
- Develop a healthier relationship with your body. If you tend to struggle with body image issues, work toward developing a better outlook by focusing on health rather than on weight. Choose healthy eating options whenever possible without going overboard. In addition, find an activity you enjoy that you can commit to on a regular basis. This could be going for a daily walk after work, taking a kickboxing or yoga class, or working out at the gym.
- Limit your use of social media. Try to avoid spending too much time on social media, as this can lead to unrealistic expectations regarding relationships and lifestyles. Remember that most people only post pictures that make their lives appear happy and fun, but that this is not an accurate representation of their experience as a whole. Spending too much time looking at what others are doing also means we are spending less time enjoying our own lives.
- Set attainable goals. Determining what to focus on in our lives is important, so take some time to set some goals for yourself and break these down into small steps that can gradually help you accomplish them. Feeling we are making progress toward our dreams can help to boost our confidence levels and make us feel good about ourselves.
- Meet with a counselor. If self-esteem issues have become a serious problem in your life and/or have led to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or an eating disorder, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist in order to work on healing any inner wounds and improving your self-image.
Although low self-esteem has become commonplace in our society, there are ways we can work on developing a healthier sense of self. Try some or all of the ideas listed above to increase your self-confidence and start to feel better about yourself. If you want support, contact a licensed therapist.
Reference:
New Dove research finds beauty pressures up, and women and girls calling for change. (2016, June 21). Retrieved from http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-dove-research-finds-beauty-pressures-up-and-women-and-girls-calling-for-change-583743391.html
Some people have difficulty comfortably accepting qualities and capacities about themselves that are notable. They feel anxiety and shame if they even consider they might be special in any way. Fears of being criticized or seen as egotistical or arrogant and worries about being humiliated or made to feel small function to keep these people in check. Risks of competition and the dread of envy can stifle good self-feelings and inhibit relationships. It is too dangerous to come out in the world as anything other than unexceptional and unremarkable.
“I have the idea you didn’t believe me when I just said how smart you are,†I said to Jason as I responded to his skeptical look and apparent discomfort. Still looking uncomfortable, he replied, “You’re sort of right. It’s not that I think that you’re lying, but I think you’re wrong. I know I’m intelligent, but you seem to be implying that I’m especially smart and that’s just not so. I’m not the kind of smart that warrants any special mention.â€
Jason and I began to look at his feelings and his need to not be seen as out of the ordinary. I asked about his associations or memories to feeling anxious when thinking he might be special. He immediately responded with a story of when he was 10 years old and came home from school excited about making the soccer team:
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“I remember being at dinner with my family and feeling excited and describing how I tried out for the team and made a goal. I was beside myself with joy. My father told me, ‘Calm down, it’s not like you’re a star athlete. Better not be so full of yourself, your teammates won’t like it.’ I tried to hold back my tears. Even now, when I remember this I think about what a fool I made of myself, thinking I was such a big deal.â€
I wondered aloud to Jason: “Perhaps the message you heard was not only that you were not remarkable for not making the team, but that if you acted as if you were, peers would react badly.â€
Jason responded: “Yes, I remember feeling proud and that I was special and then I got scared my friends could think I was conceited. It made me anxious. I suppose I got a lot of messages that made me feel the things I did weren’t special, that there was nothing about me that was special and I shouldn’t feel special. It was confusing because sometimes I did feel like I did special things. I won a math medal in high school and was a straight-A student in math. But neither of my parents said much about it other than something like, ‘That’s nice.’ I wish I was really smart, but if I let myself believe that for even an instant, I feel ashamed and conceited and would never want anyone to think I could have such high-and-mighty thoughts about myself. I tell myself to stop fooling myself, but I’m never clear about what’s true about me.â€
Jason and I worked on his anxiety and his underdeveloped ability to reliably have a sense of himself. He learned to use the world as a mirror to see all the ways in which he is responded to: positively, negatively, and even superlatively. As we worked, it became apparent Jason was frightened to engage competitively in the world. He acknowledged:
“It’s dangerous to do too well. I picked a career in technology where I work pretty much as a loner. I don’t have to put myself out there where others can compare themselves to me. I don’t want to feel their judgments that I don’t measure up. Worse would be if they saw me as very successful and envied me or wanted to tear me down and be better than me.â€
When Jason’s father implied his teammates might not like it if Jason was a star on the team, he may have been (consciously or unconsciously) communicating it was dangerous to engage competitively and to be envied. While I don’t know if this was the case, Jason seems to have internalized the idea he is not a person who is remarkable or who does outstanding things. This idea may have developed as a defense against becoming a target of destructive envy and/or of being humiliated.
Lily, like Jason, is a person who suppresses herself by swallowing good self-feelings and by silencing herself in order to avoid anxiety, humiliation, envy, and/or a wide range of bad-person feelings. Lily is in serious conflict about who she is. Not only does she feel clueless about her abilities and talents, but she is especially uncertain about her physical appearance: is she pretty, attractive, fat, sexy? Or is she unattractive, plain, and unappealing? To keep herself safe from unwanted and intolerable feelings (her own and others’), Lily needs to remain ignorant about what she looks like, who she is, and what she feels.
I have been working with Lily for three years. The first time she walked into my office, I recall thinking how perfect she looked: a pretty, 45-year-old woman, beautifully dressed, with a perfectly made-up face and a stylish haircut flawlessly in place. However, underneath this façade was an intense degree of anxiety which she attempted to manage by her powerful drive to be in control of herself and her environment. What became clear early in our work was that Lily’s anxieties were connected with her strong fears about how she is perceived in the world:
Many of us carry messages from childhood that interfere with developing clarity about our identity and with having feelings of self-worth. Fears of self-aggrandizement, competition, and envy arouse feelings of ordinariness and impede emotional growth. The more we can recognize what these messages communicate and reality test their accuracy, the more of an ability we will have to know who we are and grow our multidimensional selves.
“I just don’t know how to think about myself. I want desperately to be liked, to be seen as beautiful and smart. I’m afraid this is going to sound crazy, but I know I’m pretty and smart and I’m also totally sure I’m unattractive and stupid. I can’t trust if I’m likable. It doesn’t take much—a funny glance or an unreturned email—to make me think the worst. One minute I think I’m amazing, and the next minute I feel like a nut case for thinking I could be so great and then I feel even worse for wishing it. My worst fear is everyone will find out I’m a narcissist and an egomaniac. I’ll be humiliated and feel destroyed when I’m reminded of the truth. It has to be a secret. Who the hell am I?â€
Lily and I explored what might contribute to how she became a person who is so uncertain about who she is. As I got to know her, it was clear she was not only a classically attractive woman, but she also was smart and charming and quite likable. Why hadn’t she been able to internalize an accurate and positive sense of who she was? Why was it so anxiety-producing to acknowledge her good stuff to herself and to the world? Lily’s thoughts about these questions led to her memories of her relationship with her mother:
“Whenever I think about my mother, I hear her voice saying, ‘Why don’t you put more makeup on,’ or ‘You can’t go to school dressed like that,’ or she’d tell me I should go on a diet or how I should never act as if I knew more than boys. She told me people, especially boys, don’t like conceited girls who think they’re ‘so much.’ I was pretty sure she was telling me I wasn’t ‘so much.’ I believed and listened to every word she said.â€
Lily continued:
“My parents divorced when I was 2, and my mother dated a lot but never remarried. I was very close to her. She was beautiful and always interested in her looks. She could spend hours trying on clothes or jewelry. I always got the feeling I couldn’t compete with her. Mostly it was all about appearance. But she never made me feel smart. I remember she once told me I didn’t have to be smart and I needed to work on my looks. I kept working on my looks, but I never got the feeling I got her approval for my mind or my body.â€
Lily took on her mother’s view of how she should be and didn’t allow herself to consider what her own thoughts, feelings, and needs were. She learned to dismiss many of her positive self-feelings and think of them as conceit or unfounded. Lily’s need for her mother’s approval had been a powerful influence on Lily’s development. Now she was trying to become aware of her own sense of self so she could form an identity separate from her mother’s definitions. One day, Lily came to her session with great excitement:
“I kept wondering what was in it for my mother to have me think about myself so negatively and believe I should never feel or express good things about myself. I have this new idea maybe she was competitive with me! I think it is true. I was looking at pictures of me. I was pretty—a pretty little girl and a pretty teenager! Unbelievable! I don’t think she wanted me to know that. As long as I thought I wasn’t a pretty or desirable young girl, I didn’t feel like one and couldn’t act like one. I think she might have envied me.â€
Lily and Jason are working on noticing the positive and appreciated ways in which they are seen. Experiences such as compliments, salary increases, smiles, and invitations are registering with new meanings. The anxieties of “being full of myself†are diminishing as Lily and Jason are better able to tolerate discomfort while developing an acceptance of their more-than-ordinary selves. As they continue to grow their unique and valued selves, issues of competition and envy continue to be addressed.
Many of us carry messages from childhood that interfere with developing clarity about our identity and with having feelings of self-worth. Fears of self-aggrandizement, competition, and envy arouse feelings of ordinariness and impede emotional growth. The more we can recognize what these messages communicate and reality test their accuracy, the more of an ability we will have to know who we are and grow our multidimensional selves.
Note:Â To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.