By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

Last week I shared with you my perspective as a sexologist on the five circles of sexuality; this week, I want to share sensate focus with you as an exercise to facilitate sensual exploration and discovery with a partner. 

Sensate focus was developed by Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s. It is about giving and receiving touch. I give this partner exercise to couples to help them improve their communication and learn more about what each person likes. Sensate focus is a sensual exercise, not a sexual one, meaning no matter how turned on you or your partner becomes, avoid touching the genitals or breasts, and refrain from oral sex, intercourse, or other sexual activity until you get to that step, which takes time.

Below I’ve summarized the steps of the sensate focus exercise, but for more in-depth instructions, visit the Cornell Health website.

Try this exercise when you and your partner have about 30 to 40 minutes to spare, are relaxed, rested, and feeling care for each other. Nudity is ideal as this is a skin-to-skin practice, but it can also be practiced in loose-fitting clothing. Ideally, both partners are nude, showered, and free of jewelry and watches. As you engage, fully present, with one another, you’ll build intimacy with your partner on multiple levels. 

Starting Out

Step 1: Touching. 

One partner is the toucher and one is the receiver. For the receiving partner, focus on the sensation of being touched, notice the sensations. How do you feel? What do you notice about the differences in the way different types of touches or parts of your body feel as your partner touches you. Also, be sure to vocalize if something feels uncomfortable physically or psychologically. Remember: this is about both the sensual experience and about communication. 

For the toucher, notice the different surface textures of your partner’s skin. How do their hands feel versus their stomach? Which part of the body feels silky or supple? How glorious and exciting it is to be able to touch your partner in this way!

Practice this for 15 minutes since it can take some time to get in the groove, to feel comfortable with touching your partner. Vary the firmness and tempo – try a long-drawn-out touch as well as a quicker touch. How does changing the tempo alter the sensation? What difference do you notice using two hands versus one? Or touching with your whole hand rather than just your fingertips? 

Lastly, remember that at any point either partner can ask to stop! This is also true if the receiver starts to doze off. The point is not to receive a massage that leads to dreamland but rather for the toucher and receiver to notice sensations without any “shoulds” or distractions.

Step 2: Reverse roles. 

Now the toucher becomes the receiver. Segue into step two without any breaks if possible and don’t compare touching styles! You are two different people with different feelings, instincts, and perceptions. 

Some couples repeat steps one and two for a series of days. There’s no pressure to move on to step three, nor is there a test to “pass” before trying step three. It’s up to you and your partner. When you are working with a sexologist or sex therapist, heed their guidance and instruction and follow the plan you co-created together in session, but also rely on the relationship for furthering this exercise.

Level Up

Step 3: Include genital and/or breast touching. 

In this step, touching the genitals and/or breasts is included, but kissing and intercourse are not. As with step one, one person is the toucher and one is the receiver. And again, each partner should be rested, nude, and free of jewelry/watches. 

Have the receiver start out lying face-down on the bed. Touching the genitals and/or breasts is included in this step, but those body parts should not be the sole focus of the sensate focus exercise. At this stage, consider them as just another part of the body. Again, the point of sensate focus is not to specifically turn each other on or force something to happen, but rather to pay attention to the sensations associated with touching your partner’s body. To maintain this objective, try briefly touching in or around the genital area before moving to another part of the body. 

After falling into a nice rhythm where the toucher is registering the sensations in their fingertips, shift positions. The toucher will sit against a wall, perhaps with a few pillows behind their back and legs outstretched into a “V” shape. Have the receiver move to sit between the toucher’s legs with their back against the toucher’s chest. The toucher now has access to touch much of the receiver’s body if they reach down or around the receiver. 

The toucher continues to explore the receiver’s body but now nonverbal, touch communication is added: The receiver puts a hand on top of the toucher’s as they keep exploring. This “hand-riding” technique provides a simple yet effective way to transmit additional information to the toucher. For instance, the receiver can demonstrate where they’d like a firmer touch or a slower one. 

The toucher doesn’t have to comply with every nudge, but this practice allows them to combine personal feelings and needs with messages from the receiver. Also, for the toucher, note that a signal to your hand isn’t a criticism but is instead a request to try something else. There are many opportunities to see your own shadow material come into the light during this exercise. These are great instances to process in your next therapy session. Receiver, give your partner signals while they touch your genital area so they don’t guess what you prefer.

Some notes: If the receiver orgasms, that’s OK, but don’t try to make an orgasm happen. Remember, this is not a goal-oriented exercise. Also, at any time either participant can request switching roles. However, make sure each partner experiences both roles before ending the sensate focus exercise. 

Later Steps of Sensate Focus

Steps four and five involve the use of lotion as well as mutual touching. Step six is sensual, not sexual intercourse. The same principles of sensate focus apply but now your genital areas can touch too. At this step, if sexual intercourse is desired, start with only partial penetration. Go slowly and take your time to feel the sensations associated with contact.

I’ve only summarized sensate focus and skimmed over the last three steps because I think it’s important to have a solid sensual foundation. We spend so much time talking about how to have better sex that we often forget about the other sexuality circles. Bringing in more sensuality will ultimately lead to better sex; it’s not something to skip over.  

References

Green, Eli R. “The 5 Circles of Sexuality: Overview and Implications for Transgender People.” FORGE. Accessed September 17, 2020. 

“Sensate Focus.” Cornell Health. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf. Accessed September 21, 2020.

“The Circles of Sexuality.” Minnesota Department of Public Health. Accessed September 17, 2020.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

Therapists, did you know we have CE courses available for homestudy about sex and sexuality? Click here to see some of the options; visit your member’s area to search the full archives. Not a member yet? Check out our membership options that include CEs here.

Sensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, is a technique that has been used by sex therapists for many years to help couples and individuals overcome a range of sexual difficulties. Sensate focus exercises work best when engaged in with the guidance of a therapist. However, trying the exercises on one’s own can be a great place to start, if one feels safe and secure in doing so.

Sensate focus can be considered “mindfulness for touch.” A mindfulness practice involves meditation, or intentional focusing on something specific. Sensate focus is “mindfulness for touch” because it is an intentional focus on touch, without expectations, judgment, or pressure. Sensate focus can teach a person how to be in their body experiencing, rather than in their head “spectatoring.” Spectatoring is a normal function of an active mind; however, it inhibits arousal and orgasm, which is problematic. Let’s look at two examples of spectatoring.

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Petra

Petra is generally satisfied with her body and enjoys sex with her partner. However, when receiving oral sex, despite her best intentions, her mind starts to wander: “Did I send that email? … I need to remember to call her tomorrow … oh no, I’m distracted. … My partner is trying so hard, but I don’t know if I can climax …” and on it goes. For Petra, these distracting thoughts come in many forms, depending on the day. She sometimes has thoughts related to personal insecurities; work, family, and relationship stresses; to-do lists; worry about her partner’s experience; and more. This is spectatoring. Rather than being in her body experiencing the sensations, Petra gets in her head and becomes a spectator of what’s happening in her body. As a result, she doesn’t fully enjoy the experience and struggles to orgasm from oral sex.

Petra’s mind is acting exactly as it was intended; she’s not doing anything wrong. The human mind evolved to actively juggle multiple things at once and continuously scan internally and externally to identify what needs attention. Sensate focus is designed to give the active mind something compelling on which to focus during sex so it won’t need to wander. Let’s look at another example.

Tal

Tal generally enjoys connecting sexually with his partner; however, he sometimes has distracting thoughts during intercourse, such as: “She looks tired; maybe she wants me to stop. … Should I switch positions? … But I don’t want to risk losing my erection.” Tal’s spectatoring, like that of many people, is fueled by underlying fears of inadequacy and rejection. When these fears take hold, it is understandable he has difficulty orgasming before starting to lose his erection. Let’s look at a third example in which sensate focus can help.

Cherise and An

Cherise and An are a lesbian couple whose sex has lost its luster. They’ve tried different ways to spice it up, such as watching porn before sex, wearing sexy outfits, and even role play. Some of these activities have been fun, but in the end, they still feel dissatisfied and disconnected during and after sex. Cherise and An realize they have lost touch with their own and each other’s bodies. Sensate focus will help them reconnect with each other in an intentional and intimate way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour. It is recommended to start with 10 minutes for solo sensate focus and 20 minutes for partnered sensate focus. Do only one phase per session, and leave at least a day to process the experience in between sessions. Aim to spend at least two weeks in each phase, or more if needed to ensure one feels comfortable. These exercises can be done one to three times per week, depending on one’s needs and capacity. Sensate focus should be done separately from usual sexual intimacy.

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour.

Non-Demand Touching

Sensate uses non-demand touching, which means you are touching with no particular outcome or expectation in mind. This is different from sexual foreplay. You are not trying to arouse the other person or even to pleasure them. You are touching for yourself, with a sense of curiosity and exploration about your partner’s (or your own) body. Allow yourself to experience and enjoy touch for the sake of touch. Pay attention to the following aspects of the touch: temperature (warm/cool), pressure (hard/soft), and texture (smooth/rough).

Preparations

Sensate focus sessions should be scheduled ahead of time to allow for mental and physical preparation. Consider what will help you get in the mood for intimate touch. It’s important to minimize distractions and engage the senses. Removing distractions can include locking the bedroom door, taking time to unwind beforehand, and ensuring chores are completed. To engage the senses, you may use sensual music (without lyrics), scented candles, satin fabric, or lotions.

Phases

• Phase 1: Take turns touching, kissing, and stroking anywhere on your partner’s body (or your own for solo) except genitals and breasts. For partnered sensate focus: partner one touches for 10 (or more) minutes, then partner two touches for 10 (or more) minutes. Avoid touch that leads to orgasm and intercourse until phase 4.
• Phase 2: Same as phase 1, except that genitals and breasts can be included.
• Phase 3 (partnered sensate focus only): Engage in mutual touching, kissing, and stroking of each other’s bodies simultaneously. Start with phase 1 touching, then progress to phase 2. Avoid touching that leads to orgasm and intercourse.
• Phase 4: Proceed through phases 1 through 3, then move into a position as if you’re going to have intercourse, or masturbate for solo sensate focus. Move and rub your bodies against each other. Avoid intercourse or touching that will lead to orgasm until having completed one or two sessions of phase 4.

Conclusion

Sensate focus has been used by sex therapists for over 50 years to help people overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction and deepen their sexual experience. Sensate focus, or “mindfulness for touch,” teaches people how to get out of their heads and into their bodies during sexual experiences, using progressive intimacy exercises with non-demand touching.

References:

1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
2. McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality, 5^th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
3. Siegel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
4. Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual. New York, NY: Routledge.