Putting Kids First: Choosing Martial Partnerships and Co-Parenting over Divorce

As many couples find out the hard way, the spark that led to them falling in love and getting married doesn’t always last forever. 

Should you find yourself in such a scenario, you typically have three options:  

• Work on repairing the relationship. 
• File for divorce. 
• Give a marital partnership or co-parenting a try. 

While splitting up is difficult for any couple, it’s much harder when kids are in the picture because of the way they might respond to the situation. It’s not uncommon, for example, for some children to think that they themselves are the reason their parents are getting divorced. 

To be sure, divorce is definitely warranted in some cases — particularly if you’re keen on dissolving legal bonds with your spouse. If you simply can’t get along with your partner any longer, you may be better off divorcing so that you don’t expose your kids to chronic conflict, which can have disastrous effects on their development.  

That said, a clear-cut divorce isn’t always the best option. To give their children the love and support they need to grow up to be healthy, contributing members of society, more and more couples are embracing alternative approaches to parenthood. 

Should We Stay Together? Lifestyle Alternatives to Divorce 

According to the New York Times, divorce rates have been on a downward trend of late. On one hand, this is due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, as couples decide to weather the storm together. On the other, it’s because more and more parents are pursuing more modern types of relationships, including marital partnerships and co-parenting agreements.  

Marital partnerships 

Also known as a parenting marriage, a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. Also known as a parenting marriage (a concept developed by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW), a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. From the outside, a parenting marriage looks exactly the same as a traditional marriage. When you’re in a parenting marriage, you still go out to dinner and the movies together as a family, for example. 

Though they are difficult for both spouses, marital partnerships deliver a number of benefits to children. Not only do they ensure kids have a consistent, stable upbringing, but they also ensure that both parents are present during important activities and events. 

Co-parenting 

Of course, living with someone you’re no longer in love with doesn’t necessarily appeal to everyone. Depending on the circumstances leading to the split, it might not even be worth it to even try.  

In these circumstances, it’s still possible to maintain a healthy, civil relationship with your spouse after a divorce by embracing a concept called co-parenting, which is also known as platonic parenting. 

Like the name suggests, platonic parenting is the process of two parents coming together amicably to raise their kids together. While parents might get legally divorced and live in different places, they both raise their kids together, seeing each other often in both public and private settings. This provides the stability and continuity kids need to lead healthy lives. 

Co-parenting is not without its challenges. Chief among them is the fact that co-parents need to be respectful to each other at all times and never disparage their ex in front of their kids. But with the right approach to co-parenting, you can teach your kids great lessons about constructive problem-solving and how to communicate effectively while also reducing the stress and anxiety that would result from a more significant split. 

What Do Kids Really Need from Their Parents? 

At the end of the day, whether you decide to work on your marriage, try a parenting marriage, or become co-parents ultimately is not all that important. What matters most is that you are able to give your kids the childhood they deserve. 

Whatever approach you take, it’s important to keep your kids safe, listen to them and spend time with them, and provide affection, order, and consistency. You also need to set and enforce limits, understand how your children spend their free time, and stay on top of any medical and mental health concerns. 

If you’re in a hard place in your relationship and don’t know what to do, all hope isn’t lost. Talking to a therapist can help you figure out the best path forward. The right therapist will be able to help you determine what you want, what aligns with your values, and how to make it happen in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt your children. 

Ready to give therapy a try? Search for a qualifed therapist in your community today. 

By Bren M. Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

“Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart.” — Heather Hetchler

In a day and age where long-term marriages are the exception and not the rule, the issue of co-parenting is one I see every day. In fact, my practice is overflowing with families trying to navigate the challenges of effective co-parenting. Even the most amicable divorce can trigger feelings of abandonment, anger, betrayal, grief, and loss—all difficult emotions to navigate. Supporting your children through these difficult emotions while simultaneously experiencing them can feel almost impossible at times.

Co-Parenting Is Hard

Let me begin by saying the art of effective co-parenting is not an easy topic, nor is it by any means an easy task! The feelings following separation or divorce are often still very raw—and may be exacerbated if the end of the relationship was characterized by a high level of conflict. Working cooperatively with someone you no longer hold in the highest regard can be very difficult—but your children are counting on you to put your own feelings aside to attend to their needs. 

Co-Parenting Is Worth It

Effective co-parenting mandates a level of maturity and strength that requires each partner to put their egos aside and come together to present a united front to the children. Your little humans are looking to you both to assure them that, regardless of changes in the family structure or dynamics in your relationship with each other, they can count on you to provide structure, consistency, safety, protection from conflict and other adult matters, and a sense of grounded stability. They are counting on you to work as a cohesive team. I’m not suggesting that you and your co-parent have to remain best friends. What I am recommending is that you find a way to unify and come together around your children to ensure both of you consistently meet their needs—and sometimes this means stepping up your game and redefining your definition of teamwork with your co-parent so that your ability to meet your children’s needs together exceeds your ability to do so when you shared an intimate relationship. 

Five Tips for Effective Co-Parenting

#1: Never let your children hear you speak negatively about your co-parent. 

This is one of the most common and most damaging things I see occur in dysfunctional co-parenting relationships. Under most circumstances, children experience love and a deep, primal connection to both parents. Even at a young age, they understand that they are a product of you both. Making disparaging comments about your co-parent may cause your child to question your love for them. It also puts your child in a position to feel as though they must defend their other parent. I guarantee they will grow to resent you for this over time. Overtly or covertly expressing your disapproval for your co-parent to your children causes them to feel trapped in the middle of the conflict and responsible for negotiating co-parenting issues, an adult responsibility for which they are ill-equipped. Children should never be tasked with negotiating issues between their parents.  

#2: Enforce the expectation that your children respect you both. 

Building on the first tip, it’s equally important to enforce an expectation that your children respect not only your parental authority but also that of your co-parent. This can be challenging, as you want to allow a space for your children to freely express the big emotions they are experiencing. At the same time, teaching your children how to express these emotions appropriately is an important life skill. Children of divorce will often test the limits of the co-parenting relationship by expressing feelings of hatred toward one parent or another. It’s important to challenge your child to identify that they may be frustrated or hate one parent’s behavior but that it’s not appropriate to make disparaging remarks toward or about their parent. When this occurs, children are often attempting to determine if you remain aligned with your co-parent when it comes to matters concerning them or if there is a crack in the alignment that they may be able to exploit. Children do not engage in this behavior with malicious intent. Instead, they are seeking validation that they remain safe and protected from any challenges between you and your co-parent.

#3: Be consistent in the rules and expectations between homes. 

This requires frequent and effective communication. If your child gets in trouble at one home, the other parent must enforce the consequences when your child returns. For example, if your daughter loses “screen time” for two days for talking disrespectfully to her mom, it’s essential you enforce the punishment if it falls during the time she is in your care. By doing so, you prevent your daughter from splitting your united front and capitalizing on any conflict between you and your co-parent. My Parental Handoff Worksheet may help support effective communication and positive exchanges between homes.

#4: Show up—ALWAYS show up! 

Showing up is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Do not make your child choose which parent will attend major milestones and life events—and don’t trade off. Not only will you miss out on some of your child’s most important moments, but they will as well. Your child doesn’t want to have to sacrifice when it comes to the defining moments in their lives; don’t make them. Even at a young age, your children expect that you can put any anger, ego, or resentment toward your co-parent aside to celebrate them—particularly in the big moments. Your child needs to know that they are so precious to you that you’re willing to put your feelings aside and be a little uncomfortable for an afternoon. They need to know they can trust you will always show up when it really matters. 

#5: Recognize if you and your co-parenting partner need additional support! 

Raising children to thrive in their environment is a challenge under the best circumstances. Reaching out for support, and doing it early, doesn’t suggest a parenting fail—instead, it suggests you understand the stakes are high and you aren’t willing to take any chances with your child’s well-being. There are resources available to support you through a difficult process; make use of them. 

When Your Co-Parent Isn’t Onboard

Of course, what I’ve said up to this point speaks to the ideal situation after divorce or separation. But what happens when one parent is willing to do the work and the other parent is not? The answer is simple but often painfully to execute—you never give up hope. Continue to move forward parenting your child in the best way possible because you and your child deserve and need to heal. At the same time, you leave the door open to the other parent with the hope that they will one day do their own work and be willing to sit at the table with you. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry because it’s really not fair—but at the end of the day, kids don’t care about fair; they need you to be present and always show up for them. When you become a parent, it’s no longer about you—your priority becomes your child’s needs and best interest. You will make mistakes along the way. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to never give up and always love them unconditionally and unapologetically.

Infographic Provided By Goldberg Law Office

References

Hetchler, H. (2014, September 26-28).  Full-time stepmom [Conference session]. The Stepmom Retreat, Asheville, NC, United States.

Changes in your life and relationships, even good ones, can present a real challenge. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Find a therapist in your area today.

Separation anxiety is one of the most common challenges parents face. It can make leaving a child with a caregiver or at daycare difficult and can undermine quality of life for both the parent and child. Separation anxiety is also completely normal, especially in very young children.

Children naturally long to be close to their caregivers, and separations compromise that closeness. Managing separation anxiety requires parents to balance the child’s need to be close to them with the expectation that children will become progressively more independent as they get older.

In some children, separation anxiety persists well beyond the toddler and preschool years, affecting their ability to comfortably attend school or spend time with friends. This type of severe separation anxiety affects 4% of children and 1.6% of teenagers.

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years.

Separation Anxiety in Children: Symptoms and What’s Normal

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years. Older children may have occasional bouts of separation anxiety, especially in new situations such as before going to sleepaway camp.

Babies and young children may have symptoms such as:

• Not wanting to sleep alone
• Crying when a caregiver leaves
• Throwing tantrums to prevent a caregiver from leaving
• Being anxious about serparations
• Clinging to a parent before serparations

Older children may have additional symptoms, including:

• Lying and other behaviors to avoid going to school
• Changes in behavior as a separation approaches
• Excessive worry about a parent or other loved one

When Separation Anxiety Is Extreme: What Is Separation Anxiety Disorder?

When separation anxiety is severe and chronic, or when it interferes with daily life, it may be considered a mental health diagnosis.

Researchers do not know what causes separation anxiety disorder. Like other mental health conditions, it is likely a combination of social, biological, and psychological factors. Children with a history of trauma or abuse may be more vulnerable. Symptoms usually appear in elementary school, between third and fifth grades. They include:

• Being terrified to sleep alone
• Excessive, chronic worry about the safety of a parent
• Refusing to go to school or crying each day before school
• Nightmares about separation
• Physical complaints such as muscle pain and stomach aches
• Not wanting to be alone
• Chronic worry about getting lost
• Unusual safety concerns
• Being clingy in a way that is not age typical, such as when a 10-year-old wants to be with their parents and not their friends
• Not wanting to do fun things or spend time with friends if it means being away from home

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is no one’s fault. It is not a sign that a child is spoiled or manipulative. The distress children feel is very real, though as children get older, they learn that vocal expressions of distress may stop their parents from leaving. When dealing with separation anxiety, parents should not:

• Punish children.
• Lie about separations. Sneaking out of the house after promising not to leave can erode trust.
• Say things that might trigger anxiety. If a child is showing no signs of separation anxiety, don’t reassure them or tell them how brave they are to go off on their own.
• Make goodbyes last too long. It’s natural to want to comfort a crying child, but long goodbyes and long buildups to inevitable departures may actually prolong a child’s suffering.
• Panic or look distressed. Parents love their children and do not want to see them sad. But when parents express sadness or fear about separations, this can make the child think there is real danger.
• Reward children for separations. Rewards and punishments are controversial for many reasons. Even experts who support them agree that they work best for behaviors children choose—such as cleaning up a bedroom or doing homework. Separation anxiety is an emotional reaction, not a behavioral choice.

Choosing the right care provider is also critical for reducing separation anxiety. Daycare providers, nannies, and babysitters who are sensitive to the child’s needs can help. Talk to care providers about the importance of comforting and distracting the child—not ignoring them while they cry or punishing them for becoming anxious.

Some research suggests that forming a close attachment to a loving, accessible secondary care provider can ease separation anxiety. This means that daycares that provide the same carer each day, nannies, and consistent babysitters may be better options than an ever-shifting roster of childcare providers.

Some other strategies parents can adopt to ease separations include:

• Develop a comfortable (but short) ritual for separations. Some children like to have a special blanket, sing a song, or get a set number of kisses.
• Talk to children about why they are anxious. Young children may have trouble articulating their fears, but older children can often explain them. You may find that the problem is not separation, but something else, like a mean teacher or bully at school.
• Explain departures in language children can understand. For example, you might tell a toddler that you will see them after their nap, at dinner, or in “three sleeps.”
• Be honest and keep promises. Don’t say you won’t leave, that you will only leave when the child gives permission, or that you will be back in just a minute if these things aren’t true.
• Practice separations in low-stress contexts. Try dropping a child off at grandpa’s house for an hour or inviting a beloved uncle or aunt to take them on an outing. This gets the child used to separations and can help with preparing for the transition to school.
• Don’t spend lots of time talking about the separation before it happens. This can build anxiety.
• When your departure draws near, talk about the fun things your child can do while you are gone.
• Be loving and affectionate, not distracted or frustrated, during departures.
• Develop a plan with caregivers for supporting a child with separation anxiety. Each care provider should have several strategies they can try to help calm a child who is anxious or upset. Care providers should never ignore or punish a crying child.

Separation anxiety can be difficult for both parents and children. Parents may feel stress at each separation or adjust their entire lives to reduce separations when a child has intense anxiety. This can affect an entire family, and even undermine careers. A therapist can help families manage separation anxiety in a way that minimizes trauma and honors the needs of every family member. GoodTherapy can help you find a therapist.

References:

1. Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. Attachment & Human Development, 9(4), 307-319. doi: 10.1080/14616730701711516
2. Ehmke, R. (n.d.). What is separation anxiety?. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/what-is-separation-anxiety
3. Krecklow, L. L. (2018, August 28). Separation anxiety: Dos and don’ts to help your child (and you) be brave. Retrieved from https://gozen.com/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave
4. Separation anxiety disorder in children. (n.d.). Stanford Children’s Health. Retrieved from https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582
5. Swanson, W. S. (2015, November 21). How to ease your child’s separation anxiety. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx

What do you to when one person wants to leave their marriage and the other person wants to keep working on it?

The would-be marriage leaver may have limited motivation to work on the relationship. They may complain that therapy is “too little, too late.” The marriage may no longer fit who they’ve become. Over time, a traditional marriage can feel like the wrong container for one or both members of a couple. Sometimes marriages adjust to allow for new desires and needs. Sometimes the infrastructure fragments, unable to adapt to change.

For the partner fighting for the marriage, fear and loss may loom large. They’ve built a relationship with their partner — possibly over many years. They rely on it for comfort, connection, stability, and a sense of belonging. The relationship is home. Who would choose to be homeless? For partners in this position, the relationship may have been taken for granted. It can feel like an essential requirement for their very existence, like gravity or oxygen. It’s what keeps them rooted, what allows them to go about their life with confidence and certainty.

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The partner fighting for the marriage may struggle to see the other person’s perspective. This is a time of powerful emotions. It’s hard to comprehend the reasoning of the partner who wants out. Many who leave still love their partners, even if the love has lost its erotic charge or emotional heat. For others who leave, there may be toxic secrets or an affair lurking in the background.

Wanting to leave the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no appreciation for what’s been created, but it may mean something else has become a priority. Rarely is wanting to leave an intentional act of aggression or cruelty, though it can wreak havoc on peace of mind and well-being, particularly during the uncertain transition phase.

For the leaver, wanting to leave may be their attempt at psychological survival. What they need to feel connected to their life force may not seem to exist within the relationship. This realization may create a painful dissonance which the person hopes to resolve through separation or divorce.

The would-be marriage leaver may be rash in their decisions. They may not make space for the scope of their partner’s emotional and psychological disorientation. The experience of the person fighting for the marriage may well be the polar opposite of theirs. Where the person wanting out is eager to see what it feels like to fly solo, the other partner may feel like they’re being forced to untether their life line from the mothership. The person wanting out seems to be saying, “You’ll be okay” and waving at them from a distant window.

The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account.

Terrified and panicked, the partner who wants to preserve the marriage may feel as if they’re drifting into an existential abyss. The assurances they sometimes hear from their partners in these situations can ring hollow and opportunistic. “You deserve real love.” “You’ll find someone who can give you more than I can give you.” It’s better to allow the bereft partner to arrive at their own silver linings and keep these philosophical observations to oneself.

It’s rarely easy or smooth for couples who have different commitment levels to their marriage. The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account. Different levels of commitment create a power imbalance in a relationship. Talking about it vulnerably and openly may remind you that you’re figuring things out as a team. Active, thoughtful, respectful communication will minimize impulsive actions and destructive reactions.

The partner seeking to preserve the marriage can:

1. Find the right group/community support through workshops, programs, retreats, or special interests and activities.
2. Make daily time and space for embodying and expressing feelings through dance, art, or outdoor activities such as hiking or exercise.
3. Practice taking responsibility for their 50% of the marital relationship issues through journaling and self-inquiry exercises.
4. Negotiate the physical and emotional boundaries that will help them feel grounded.

The partner who wants to leave the marriage can:

1. Take responsibility for their 50% of the relationship issues.
2. Give the transition process the time it deserves.
3. Honor their partner and their boundaries, allowing for honest, non-defensive communication.
4. Plug into community support.

It can help to establish a time frame and ground rules for the transition process when renegotiating a marriage. This may mean no dating, no solo vacations, and no major solo expenditures. Agreeing on boundaries that fit your living situation, finances, and when and what to tell family members and children may minimize conflicts.

A couple working through differing levels of commitment may need to establish safe and respectful methods for checking in and sharing feelings and challenges. This is not a time to go it alone, although you may not be able to lean on each other in the ways you’re used to. Consider hiring a counselor, mediator, financial adviser, attorney, and/or other guide to help support you.