man watching computer in a dark room Signs and Symptoms of Porn Addiction  

The phrases “porn addiction” and “sex addiction” remain stigmatized in today’s society. 12-step programs — think, AA — are alive and well, and people’s recovery stories about struggles with alcohol and drugs are often openly discussed and praised. And yet, whenever the topics of porn addiction or sex addiction come up in discussion, they are commonly met with silence, discomfort, and even mockery. So, what are some signs for you to recognize that you are “actually” addicted to porn? The similarities are strikingly similar to the criteria for addiction in any other sense of the word: 

These are just a few of the signs and symptoms that can indicate an addiction to porn. As mentioned, there are generally fewer known resources than for other addictions — if and only if because of the overall stigmatization and resulting hesitation to reach out for help. And think about our collective access to it: For the large majority of us, it is a mere grab-and-click away on our cell phones, which are often attached to us. That might be the equivalent of an alcoholic going to bed with a bottle of whiskey under his/her bed, or a drug addict placing a substance of choice on his/her bedside table. A “weak” moment does not necessitate leaving the homes and taking a trip to the liquor store; it might only require reaching into your pocket. 

How Therapy Can Help 

The first thing that therapy symbolizes is reaching out for help — aspects of stigmatization and apprehension are gradually shed, as a safe and judgement-free space and relationship is (hopefully) established. By speaking with someone who has had experience dealing with porn addiction, it can be relieving and reassuring to connect: At the very least, one is no longer dealing with this issue in complete secrecy or isolation. A therapist might provide resources such as relevant 12-step programs (e.g. SA, SAA, SLAA, PAA) that will link them with other (anonymous) individuals experiencing similar problems. 

A personal approach to therapy dealing primarily with porn addiction is to — after establishing a comfortable and trusting rapport — get a sense of the presenting problem so that therapist and client can collaborate on attainable and short-term, tangible goals with measurable progress. We will often ask the question, “What would progress look like by the time we meet next week?” and immediately follow up on how the week went upon the beginning of the second appointment. While employing various “Band-Aid fixes” (e.g. porn blockers on mobile device, sleeping with phone outside of the bedroom, etc.), therapist and client will dig deeper to find the many roots of the issue — it can be helpful to identify recurring patterns and themes throughout one’s life, especially responses to traumatic events. Clients will commonly have been exposed to porn on the younger side, and turned to it as an initially adaptive coping mechanism after experiencing a traumatic event. Over time, individuals will turn to porn with more frequency, until and after the habit has gotten out-of-control, using some of the criteria listed above. 

Silhouette of man sitting in front of a computer in the darkAccording to a 2008 study, between 3-6% of Americans engage in compulsive sexual behavior (CSB), better known as sex addiction. Other studies cite similar statistics, and some addiction facilities cite even higher figures. Many people feel plagued by unwanted sexual feelings or by a desire to engage in sex or view pornography that feels compulsive.

Yet the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) asserts there is insufficient empirical support for the existence of sex addiction. In 2017, the Center for Positive Sexuality (CPS), The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA), and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) echoed this sentiment in a statement published in The Journal of Positive Sexuality. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5 th Edition (DSM-5) does not list sex addiction as a diagnosis.

So what explains the discrepancy? Mental health advocates disagree on this, too. Sex addiction remains a controversial concept. One thing is certain, however: sexual behavior can cause difficulties in a person’s life even when their behavior does not rise to the level of an addiction.

Even if sex is not addictive in the traditional sense, people may still struggle with sexual behavior.

Is Sex Addiction Real?

Research on sex addiction is mixed. Some studies claim to have uncovered a fairly high rate of addictive sexual behavior. These researchers say sex addiction functions like other addictions, triggering a release of dopamine that causes a person to continually chase a sexual “high.” Like other behavioral addictions—shopping, gambling, video gaming—these studies say sex addiction can act like a drug and cause a person to make damaging and unsafe decisions.

Most bodies that research human sexuality, including AASECT, argue that the concept of sexual addiction is rooted in ideology, not science. They cite research finding no specific level of sexual activity that is inherently addictive or harmful.

A 2013 study looked at the brains of 52 people who said they struggled with sex addiction. Researchers used brain imaging to look at participants’ brains while they viewed sexually suggestive images. Contrary to what theories of sex addiction would predict, their brains did not behave in a way consistent with addiction. People addicted to drugs and alcohol show distinct brain patterns when viewing addictive substances. “Sex addicts” did not display these patterns.

It’s possible that sex addiction functions through different neural pathways or that the study was poorly constructed. It’s also possible that sex truly is not addictive.

Even if sex is not addictive in the traditional sense, people may still struggle with sexual behavior. There are many reasons to seek treatment for sexual issues. For example, a person might find that their sexual behavior is inconsistent with their values or that childhood guilt and shame undermine their ability to seek sexual fulfillment. Others may want to pursue non-normative relationships, such as open or polyamorous relationships, and wonder if doing so signals a problem.

It is important for people to be able to label their own behavior in a way that feels comfortable. If the sex addiction model fits, there’s no harm in identifying with it. For others, the notion of sex addiction—or the ideology that sometimes accompanies it—may feel stigmatizing.

Ideology and ‘Sex Addiction’

Sex is an inherently social activity that is heavily colored by social norms. In some cultures, polygamous relationships are common, while in others, having sex with multiple partners during the same time frame is stigmatized. Religious, cultural, and other ideologies are inextricably linked to people’s feelings about sex, sexuality, and sex addiction.

Many religious traditions have strongly advocated for the existence of sex addiction. In many cases, these religions also argue that pornography use, especially frequent pornography use, can cause addiction. Conversely, advocates who argue for greater sexual freedom and acceptance are less likely to accept the notion that sex can be addictive or that certain sexual practices are more likely to lead to addiction.

When evaluating addiction treatment programs or looking at your own behavior, it’s important to weigh the role ideology plays. A religious sex addiction program may draw more on its spiritual tradition than on empirical research. Likewise, a person’s internalized cultural values may cause them to feel guilty or ashamed of their sexual behavior even when there is nothing inherently wrong with it.

Signs Sexual Behavior Has Become a Problem

Because sex addiction is not a widely recognized disorder, different sources list different symptoms of the addiction. Sometimes ideology plays a role in the list of symptoms. For example, a religious sect that believes sex outside of marriage is sinful may list repeated sexual encounters outside of marriage as a sign of sexual addiction.

There is no empirically supported amount of sex or interest in sex that is inherently harmful or addictive. Having a high sex drive, multiple sex partners, or significant interest in sex does not mean a person has an addiction. Non-normative sexual interests, such as an interest in bondage or group sex, are common and do not mean a person has a sex addiction.

Instead, consider looking at how sex affects your life. People who find that sex damages relationships or self-esteem may benefit from therapy.

Some warning signs that sex may be a problem warranting treatment include:

Seeking Help for Problematic Sexual Behavior

A therapist can help with problematic sexual behavior in many ways. Those include:

Some mental health diagnoses can affect sexual behavior. For example, people with bipolar may become hypersexual during a manic episode. Therapy can also help with these symptoms.

Finding a therapist who shares your values about sexuality is important. To begin your search, click here.

References:

  1. AASECT position on sex addiction. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aasect.org/position-sex-addiction
  2. Karila, L., Wery, A., Weinstein, A., Cottencin, O., Petit, A., Reynaud, M., & Billieux, J. (2014). Sexual addiction or hypersexual disorder: Different terms for the same problem? A review of the literature. Current Pharmaceutical Design, 20(25), 4012-4020. doi: 10.2174/13816128113199990619
  3. Keenan, J. (2013, July 24). Is sex addiction real or just an excuse? Retrieved from https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/sex-addiction-study-ucla-researchers-find-that-sex-and-porn-might-not-actually-be-addictive.html
  4. Kuzma, J. M., & Black, D. W. (2008). Epidemiology, prevalence, and natural history of compulsive sexual behavior. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 31(4), 603-611. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0193953X08000725

Couple sitting apart on bed at nightSexually compulsive behavior is easy to joke about. We’ve seen an endless array of politicians and celebrities claim they’re “sex addicts.” Some of them legitimately are addicted to sex, while others seem to be using this as an excuse for their behavior. It makes some question if these people (mostly men) simply are letting their high libidos take over. Is this a legitimate issue?

Yes.

As a sex therapist and sex addiction therapist, I find many people have little understanding about this serious issue. Sex addiction can decimate relationships that appear happy. It can create a level of disconnection that is difficult to recover from. And the betrayal and trauma associated with this can be extremely challenging to overcome.

When people ask what I do, I get a variety of responses. One of the most common replies I get is, “I wish I was a sex addict.” I have to maintain my composure when I hear this. I want to admonish this ignorant and sarcastic commentary with a heavy dose of reality. There’s nothing admirable or desirable about addictive sexual behavior. I typically refrain from responding with a harsh tone, remembering the idea of “being addicted to sex” can appear like nothing more than a high sex drive. However, sex addiction is more complicated than having a high libido.

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Sex addiction isn’t about having a lot of sex. Although some people addicted to sex do have many sexual encounters, many have the opposite. They struggle with finding sex that is pleasurable or satisfying. Some avoid certain sexual behaviors, only to obsessively engage in another type of behavior. Others have a subconscious desire to connect, but fear the vulnerability of such connection.

Overall, relationships, trust, and intimacy become imbalanced. Sadly, this imbalance is often disguised under the typical chaos of work and family life, until it becomes undeniably traumatic.

What can make this even worse is that this behavior is often buried under a series of secrets and lies. Many partners of people addicted to sex are completely blindsided by a discovery of a series of behaviors. This is often a crushing blow to the partner, and a shaming experience for the one who is out of control. Families can be torn apart by this.

Many who are dealing with sex addiction also describe their lives as quite lonely. The sex isn’t necessarily fun or even enjoyable. They love their families and they hate that they’re lying to them. They just don’t know a way out.

Many who are dealing with sex addiction also describe their lives as quite lonely. The sex isn’t necessarily fun or even enjoyable. They love their families and hate that they’re lying to them. They just don’t know a way out.

Week after week, I hear the painful stories of people whose sexual behavior is out of control. Whether it’s a personal story or a story about their relationships, the pain caused by sex addiction is no laughing matter. This is why I puff up with frustration when people make light of or oversimplify what sexual addiction is. It’s not easy to treat or process through. And when it’s made out to be a silly punch line, it can increase the shame for those who are struggling with this issue.

Sex addiction is numbing behavior that takes on another level of compulsivity. All of us numb to some extent. Numbing is a minor level of dissociation. However, people addicted to sex take this numbing to a whole different level of disconnection. This can become so prevalent that work and relationships can be at risk.

For those dealing with this serious issue, support groups, such as 12-step groups, can help. However, they often need another layer of support. Therapy can help with building solid plans for recovery in a way that helps people stay in alignment with their values system. It can help people with sex addiction grow so they can reduce their levels of shame, reconnect with their families, and reach life goals.

Waiting room in an officeThere are many different types of residential treatment centers (RTCs) that offer therapeutic care for a wide variety of behavioral and mental health issues. Choosing a center that is suited to your personal needs is important; however, with many options available, making a decision may be difficult. How can you decide which RTC is right for you? Consider these answers to ten frequently asked questions about RTCs, as well as insight from Darren Haber, MA, MFT, an expert on addictions and compulsions.

1. What is a residential treatment center?

A residential treatment center is a health care facility that helps people experiencing various substance dependency and behavioral issues. For some inpatient treatments, residents may be required to live at the facility for a period of time. Some facilities also offer outpatient treatment to help former residents avoid relapse and to provide options for people who cannot commit to living at the facility temporarily. In most cases, treatment lasts for one to three months.

“[The] average stays tend to be 30 days, but some stay longer, and some shorter. Thirty days seems to be the industry norm,” Haber said.

2. What are the most important things to look for in an RTC?

Check and confirm that the RTC and any programs you wish to attend are accredited and the treatment programs are being administered by licensed, qualified mental health professionals. Ask if the program has a clinical director and about his or her credentials. Learn as much as you can about the treatment center you’re considering through third parties such as the Better Business Bureau, online reviews, and any local consumer protection agencies. If you need it, ensure that an active aftercare program is in place to help prevent relapse.

3. What type of issues do residential treatment centers treat?

Because different RTCs specialize in treating different health issues, the structure, routines, and therapeutic methods used will vary from facility to facility. Some centers take a “lock-down” approach where residents are secured within the facility’s premises and their movements inside the center are restricted. Other RTCs may take an unlocked approach and allow residents to traverse the premises with some degree of freedom; however, residents may only be permitted to leave the center if certain conditions are met.

In recent years, the residential treatment field has expanded. At some centers, everything from substance abuse to sex addiction to codependence may be treated. There are also centers that focus solely on substance abuse or eating disorders, for example.

Issues treated at an RTC may include:

It should be noted, too, that some RTCs specializing in mental health treatment may not provide therapeutic care for substance dependency issues.

4. Why do people go to residential treatment centers?

“Usually because their condition or problem has reached the point where it needs containment—that is, 24-hour medical or psychological monitoring due to harmful behaviors or medical problems—and has become so acute that it requires an acute, sustained focus,” Haber said.

5. What kinds of services are provided by RTCs?

Residential treatment centers offer a variety of services, which may include 24-hour supervision, intensive recovery programs, individual counseling, group counseling, structured activities, educational services, social skills training, vocational training, and relapse prevention services.

6. What are the benefits of a RTC over other forms of treatment?

The environment in a residential treatment center is usually more comfortable than the sterile, functional setting of a hospital. The residents are able to focus solely on their healing and recovery programs as they are removed from the stresses of daily life.

Some treatments, such as chemical detoxification, may be life threatening. For those cases, RTCs provide trained medical personal to keep residents safe during such treatments. Residents also have the opportunity to explore the emotional and psychological underpinnings for their behaviors in counseling sessions with a qualified mental health professional.

“Some people also go for legal reasons, such as being ordered by a judge after a DUI or DWI, for example. Usually one goes to an RTC because living life day-to-day has become unmanageable or to the point where one’s well-being, job, or close relationships are threatened,” Haber said.

7. What is the experience of being a resident at a residential treatment center like?

“It’s really what the client or patient makes of it. Anyone who participates to the best of his or her ability can potentially gain much and grow and learn tools for lifelong use. If one has been forced in by family but doesn’t believe, for instance, that one truly has an issue with alcohol or addiction, it can feel almost like jail,” Haber said.

8. How can families or friends keep in touch with residents?

“It depends on the policy of the residential treatment center. Some encourage family contact and some don’t. Some RTCs prefer those in treatment wait until their detox is over, or that the person in treatment only meet family members with counselors present. I believe this is a crucial part of treatment that can easily be overlooked, since dysfunctional family systems often play a crucial role in the formation of the illness or addiction,” Haber said.

9. Are there any RTCs in my area?

With the number of treatment facilities currently providing care across the country, chances are there is a residential treatment center nearby. However, it is important to remember that your chances of recovery may be better if the chosen facility is well suited to your personal preferences and specific health condition.

10. How much does treatment at a residential treatment center cost?

“Some people also go for legal reasons, such as being ordered by a judge after a DUI or DWI, for example. Usually one goes to an RTC because living life day-to-day has become unmanageable or to the point where one’s well-being, job, or close relationships are threatened.”The cost of treatment at a residential treatment center will vary based on the condition being treated, services provided, length of treatment, and the location of the center. For example, The Betty Ford Center, one of the most well-known rehab programs, charges approximately $1,217 per day for inpatient alcohol addiction treatment at their Rancho Mirage, CA location. Other locations may charge more or less, and some may not offer a per-day rate. Most locations develop a program based on a person’s individual needs, which can drastically affect the cost depending on medication or other requirements.

Some facilities may be able to offer a sliding fee based on a person’s income, while some may be low or no cost. Others may offer luxurious settings and amenities. The types and costs of RTCs simply vary. If your personal health insurance covers residential care, even the more costly facilities may become affordable. Call your insurance company for more information regarding your covered benefits if you are in need of inpatient treatment.

References:

  1. The Addiction Recovery Guide. (2015). Drug and alcohol addiction recovery. Retrieved from http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/treatment/residential
  2. The American Residential Treatment Association. (n.d.). Types of programs. Retrieved from http://artausa.org/type_programs.html
  3. Federal Trade Commission. (n.d.) Residential treatment programs for teens. Retrieved from http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens
  4. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation. (n.d.) Addiction treatment specialties. Retrieved from http://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/treatment/locations/betty-ford-center-rancho-mirage
  5. Mental Health America. (n.d.). In patient care. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/patient-care
  6. National Institute on Drug Abuse. (n.d.) Principles of drug addiction treatment: a research based guide. Retrieved from http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens
  7. Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2015). Choosing a drug treatment program: What to look for in substance abuse rehab. Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/choosing-a-drug-treatment-program.htm

Standing woman looks out windowIt has been more than 30 years since Dr. Patrick Carnes published his book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, which introduced the concept of sexual addiction. One working definition of sexual addiction is a pathological attachment to a mood-altering experience of sex.

At that time, the focus was almost entirely on males who were addicted to sex. But new ground was already being broken. When I first met Jennifer Schneider—an Arizona psychiatrist—in the early 90s, she and a colleague had recently completed a book about couples recovering from sexual addiction.

Schneider and her colleague obtained detailed information about married females who were addicted to sex. Twenty-four women and 17 husbands were interviewed by telephone; 7 of the male spouses declined to take part in the survey. The findings were provocative back then, but they are confirmed by my own clinical observations over the years.

Gender Differences in Sex Addiction

Unlike the majority of men with sex addiction, most women are aware of their codependency when they initially begin therapy with me—either alone or with a partner. Codependency can be briefly described as looking outside oneself to other people in order to define self-worth.

[fat_widget_sex_right]This makes the early stages of recovery particularly difficult for women who are sexually compulsive. Initially, a period of abstinence is important in order to learn to maintain sexual boundaries. But that requires being able to say no without it affecting self-worth. As one woman in therapy put it, “I don’t want to deprive him or drive him to look elsewhere for sex!”

I find that is rarely a problem for a man choosing a period of abstinence. Unfortunately, this culturally learned gender difference makes it much more difficult to rebuild marriages in which the wife is sexually compulsive. Females with sex addiction often feel alone and unsupported as they work toward recovery.

Steps for Women in Recovery

In order to appreciate the complicated nature of sex addiction for women, it’s important to recognize how terrifying psychological isolation can be. One woman told me, “I feel ashamed that I feel lonely even in my marriage, like something in me is broken and defective.”

Consequently, women in recovery benefit most from a combination of supportive individual therapy and group experience, both 12-step and therapist-led. In 12-step meetings such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), participants share experiences, strength, and hope. In her book, Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction, author Kelly McDaniel lists some of the numerous benefits:

You may not be able to heal your brain alone, and the brain usually doesn’t function at its best capacity when you are isolated. Therapy can provide a trusting relationship and a healthy context for healing.Healing relationships requires healing the mind and the lifelong patterns that have shaped responses to the people closest to you. When your mind is fearful, you may have problems trusting or acting outside of your truest morals and values. Women with sex addiction may have difficulty being their best selves, and many of their sexual behaviors may have fallen outside their value system.

Healing your life also means healing your brain, and this may require professional support. Sexual addiction thrives in isolation. You may not be able to heal your brain alone, and the brain usually doesn’t function at its best capacity when you are isolated. Therapy can provide a trusting relationship and a healthy context for healing. McDaniel makes these suggestions for being a careful consumer when you’re ready to find a therapist:

Women experiencing sex addiction today have a much greater chance of finding a caring and well-trained professional than their mothers may have had. You owe it to yourself to find the best help possible.

References:

  1. Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction (3rd ed.). Center City, MN: Hazelden.
  2. McDaniel, K. (2008). Ready to heal: Women facing love, sex, and relationship addiction (2nd ed.). Carefree AZ: Gentle Path Press.
  3. Schneider, J., & Schneider, B. (1989). Rebuilding trust: For couples committed to recovery. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Intimate CoupleMost Americans believe that watching porn is morally wrong (Green, 2014). According to data from the Public Religion Research Institute, only 23% of American women approve of pornography use, as do 35% of men. Despite this seemingly widespread disapproval and the forces of stigma and shame, 40 million people in the United States—about one in eight—are regular porn consumers (Willingham, 2013).

Although the genders of porn viewers are variant, insecurity, jealousy, or resentment about a partner’s pornography use is not uncommon, a reality not lost on media that cover the sensitive topic. An article in XO Jane (Marin, 2014) compares the jealousy that some heterosexual women feel about porn to the jealousy some straight men feel about women’s usage of vibrators. But if the old-fashioned term for sex toys is “marital aids”—and it is—why shouldn’t pornography fall under that umbrella?

I am writing this piece to gently challenge notions that pornography is inherently damaging to users, performers, and real-world sex partners. I believe that, when consumed responsibly, legally, ethically, and in moderation (we’ll get to that part) by consenting adults, not only is there nothing wrong with pornography use, but it can produce positive effects on a marriage or other romantic or sexual relationship. Benefits may include low-risk sexual pleasure, healthy communication about sexual interests, and indulgence in fantasies independent from those shared with a partner.

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Hear me out here.

If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help.

The Ethics of Porn

Now that we’ve covered some of the potential benefits of porn, let’s address some of the anti-pornography crowd’s concerns and criticisms. They’re not completely off-base, after all.

Clearly, porn detractors have plenty to point to. But when used ethically, in moderation, and with emotional intelligence by consenting adults, it’s my belief that pornography use can be a healthy pastime and even, under some circumstances, serve to enhance intimate relationships. I hope that this piece can be part of a bigger conversation, inspiring interesting and respectful discussion between curious persons and contributing to healthier attitudes about human sexuality at large.

“Fair-Trade Porn” Articles and Resources:

  1. The Feminist Porn Awards. http://www.feministpornawards.com/
  2. Fixell, E. (2015). 4 ways you can find ‘ethical porn’. The Daily Dot. Retrieved from http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/how-to-find-ethical-porn/
  3. Williams, Z. (2014). Is there such a thing as ethical porn? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

References:

  1. Green, E. (2014). Most people think watching porn is morally wrong. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/03/most-people-think-watching-porn-is-morally-wrong/284240/
  2. Janssen, E. (n.d.). Why people use porn. Frontline. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html
  3. Marin, V. (2014). ASK A SEX THERAPIST: How to talk to your husband or boyfriend about his porn and masturbation habits. Retrieved from http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-talk-to-your-man-about-his-porn-and-masturbation-habits
  4. Willingham, T. (2013). The stats on internet pornography. Daily Infographic. Retrieved from http://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-stats-on-internet-pornography-infographic

man silhouette in the fogMany people struggle with addictions in today’s stressful society. Drinking and/or using drugs, overeating, sexual compulsions, and gambling are all ways in which individuals attempt to self-soothe and forget about their problems. These misguided methods all have one thing in common—they enable the individual to temporarily attain a different state of consciousness in order to avoid looking at painful emotions they may be feeling.

Alcohol and drugs obviously create altered states of mind, but overeating, gambling, or having a sex addiction do as well. For those who overindulge, food typically brings up early memories of comfort and is used to fill up an inner sense of emptiness. Many who gamble tend to forget or overlook everything except the thrill and excitement of the potential win. For many individuals with a sex addiction, there is an attempt to seek connectedness through the sexual act, without having to connect on an emotional level.

So what are some ways that individuals can learn to cope with their emotions in a healthier way? The following steps can be taken to help overcome an addiction:

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  1. Join a support group. There are many different peer-led support groups available that can be very helpful when trying to overcome any kind of addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Gamblers Anonymous, for example, are all groups where people can relate to others who are dealing with the same types of issues. Individuals hold each other accountable and are often inspired by others’ success stories.
  2. Explore issues that the addiction may be covering up. Often, people resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms because they are struggling with painful emotions and/or traumatic situations that have not been integrated. Seeking out a qualified therapist can be helpful in working through past trauma and learning healthier ways to cope.
  3. Keep track of your triggers. By noting the times you feel tempted to indulge in an addiction, you can begin to bring more awareness to the situation. For example, do you start drinking after work every time your boss criticizes you? Do you binge on fast food whenever your self-esteem is at a low point?
  4. Look for the purpose your addiction may be serving. Many people struggling with addictions have difficulties with relationships. The addiction becomes their relationship of choice, and the individual may spend much of his or her time thinking about ways to indulge in it, rather than examining underlying issues related to connecting with others.
  5. Learn to experience emotions rather than avoid them. Addictions are often an easy way to escape from feeling painful emotions, but this is only a temporary solution and ends up making the problem much worse. Try to spend five to 10 minutes a day just sitting with your eyes closed and focusing on the sensations in your body. Painful emotions tend to be held in the body and are typically experienced as a tightness or constriction. Practice mindfully sitting with the sensations, honoring and welcoming them, rather than trying to push them away. Remember to breathe in and out deeply when doing this exercise.
  6. Journal about your feelings. Journaling is a helpful tool to get uncomfortable emotions off your chest. Whenever you feel triggered to indulge in your addiction, try to write about the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing instead. This technique can also be useful right before going to bed, especially if you tend to toss and turn and ruminate over stressful issues.

Overcoming an addiction can be extremely challenging, but using some or all of the techniques above can be a great starting point. If you have a severe drinking or drug problem, you may need to start off with residential treatment in order to be surrounded by individuals who support you on your healing journey.

The first step can feel like the most difficult one, but recovery from any type of addiction is absolutely possible for anyone willing to reach out for help.

Laptop in the darkI recently spoke with a young colleague who had just completed training to become a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). She was astonished to hear my stories of what I jokingly refer to as the golden age of phone sex, which I’d say lasted from the mid-seventies, when I worked on a suicide prevention hotline, until about 1998, when the Internet was starting to really take flight.

You may be wondering why the suicide hotline I worked for bears mentioning. There were often callers to the hotline, usually male, who upon hearing a female ask, “How can I help you?” would begin to speak breathlessly about a “huge problem” they had. Our London-born supervisor referred derisively to these fellows as “wankers” and taught us ways to extricate ourselves from, ahem, conversations with them.

By the early eighties, I had ceased taking hotline calls and started practicing as a licensed therapist in my office in West Hollywood, California. Some of the people I helped had issues with obsessive phone sex. Some, again usually male, would spend hours or even days languishing at home or work paying to talk and talk and talk about sex, usually culminating in—you guessed it—masturbation. Neither party, of course, could see the other, so imagination was in full play.

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Frantic wives would call me after they clapped eyes on preposterous phone bills to 1-900 lines. Their husbands would call the next hour or appear reluctantly at my office, struggling with whether they actually had a problem with this potentially addictive (and highly expensive) behavior.

There was big money to be made by investors who snapped up and promoted 1-900 numbers with suggestive three-, four-, and seven-letter words rounding them out—not to mention resourceful women, young and not-so-young, who craftily embodied and impersonated the young subjects of glossy photos in the back pages of men’s magazines. Many people found the lure of “risk-free” phone sex with readily available strangers to be too hard to resist, spending countless hours and thousands of dollars maintaining their compulsive tele-sex habits.

How things have changed with the rise of the Internet and smartphones! Although traditional phone sex lines still exist and some thrive, no longer are people tethered to cumbersome wall sockets that keep them in their bedrooms or office cubicles. We have apps that use GPS to find sex partners near us as easily and anonymously as we locate a good Japanese restaurant. Phone sex is now often fully visual, streaming from hand to cell tower to satellite and back in the blink of an eye. Not only can it be addictive, it’s often free—in a financial sense.

Phone- and web-based sex can be profoundly costly when it comes to the toll on real-life relationships. Live video streaming or face time might be great for those of us who want to commune with a traveling partner or see and interact with grandkids on the other side of the continent. But what kind of effect does pornography and for-profit sex chat have for those who struggle with marital fidelity and remaining sexually sober? For those with a propensity for addictive escape and risky sexual behavior, it’s a whole new world of problems.

If you need some help navigating it, contact a therapist near you. It might prove to be the best call you’ve made in a long time.

Searching onlineIn today’s world, pornography use has become quite common. In fact, 40 million Americans are regular visitors to pornographic sites, 12% of all websites are pornographic in nature, and 25% of all search-engine requests are for porn. Does this high prevalence mean it’s OK? Does the fact it is common mean it is harmless? Does the fact it is widespread mean it’s all right for all individuals and couples?

If it is not OK with you, then it is not OK in your relationship. When one or both parties have an issue with pornography use, it needs to be addressed.

Most people I encounter in my practice for whom porn is an issue “discover” a partner’s secret pornography use. It’s not something they share together. Due to the fact it is kept secret, it’s typically toxic. Would your partner be doing this if you were standing right there? Would your partner be fine with you knowing? Do you watch pornography as a couples activity? If the answers to all of these questions are no, then the pornography is likely a problem in your relationship.

Of course there are relationships in which pornography use is mutually condoned and enjoyed. But if your relationship isn’t one of them, you might be thinking, “What do I do now?”

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If you feel like your partner’s pornography use is a violation of trust, like it is some sort of infidelity, or feel disgusted and hurt, try these suggestions:

  1. Take a moment to process things. If you haven’t already had an all-out argument, take a day or a week to think, calm yourself, and prepare for how you will talk to your partner about this. According to John Gottman’s reseach on couples, the first few minutes of a conversation generally determine the outcome. Start your conversation right!
  2. Remember: this is not your fault. Your partner’s pornography use likely is not because he or she finds you unattractive, and it is also probably not because you have been having sex less frequently. Multiple studies show that one consequence of frequent pornography use is reduced interest in sex with one’s partner. So you may have been having less sex because of the pornography—but probably not the other way around.
  3. Ask questions about the pornography use. Attempt to have a mature and calm conversation about your partner’s use. How long has this been going on? How often does he or she look at pornography? What kind of pornography does he/she look at? Does he/she pay for it? Does he/she use interactive websites or passive videos? How does he/she feel about his/her use? Does he/she feel guilty? Does he/she say “it’s not a big deal” or “everyone does it”? What is his/her reaction to you knowing? Though it might be tempting to raise your voice, calmly tell your partner how hurt and offended you may be; try your best to simply gather information. This is the time to let your partner talk about what it means. You’ll get your chance.
  4. Tell your partner what pornography use means to you. Talk about feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or shame. Talk about your insecurities. Talk about your fear that this will slide into another form of betrayal, secrecy, or sexual infidelity. Talk about how you may now be feeling pressure to perform in the bedroom, thinking that he or she will be comparing you to what he/she has seen. One study reports one of the most common negative results of pornography is women feeling that they must behave like porn actors and actresses.
  5. Come up with a plan. Talk about where you go from here. Assuming it’s what you want, is your partner promising to quit? Is your partner defensive and feeling like he or she shouldn’t have to stop? Can you agree on a plan? If not, consider seeking a couples or marital therapist to help you come up with a compromise. Some people may say that they are willing to stop but find it difficult or feel compelled to look at pornography. If this is the case, I encourage seeking guidance from a therapist who specializes in pornography addiction.

Pornography use can be a sensitive topic for many because it involves intimate and personal acts. It can trigger insecurity, mistrust, anxiety, and depression. It’s OK if you are not OK with your partner looking at pornography. Just because it is common does not mean that you must be OK with it. Just as you have other rules in your relationship, talking about pornography use will help clarify your values as a couple and your expectations intimately.

References:

  1. The Stats on Internet Pornography. Retrieved from http://thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/
  2. Gottman, J., and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2013). The Empirical Basis for Gottman Couples Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/EmpiricalBasis-Update3.pdf
  3. Kirkova, D. (2013). Vanilla Sex is OUT, Porn Addiction is IN: Disturbing Survey Reveals How Porn is Damaging Our Relationships. Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html#ixzz2OfMGpMJ6

Evaluating an MRI of the brainIn the popular imagination, compulsive or addictive behaviors such as shopping or sex are regarded as different from chemical dependency on drugs or alcohol. Even some addiction counselors have argued that behavioral addictions are somehow easier to control because they don’t involve an addictive substance. New research, however, demonstrates that, in the brain, sex addiction looks similar to drug addiction.

Sex Addiction and Brain Activity

The study examined the effects of pornography on brain activity in people who have compulsive sexual behaviors. Excessive pornography use is common among people who experience sex addiction. Researchers showed 19 male subjects pornographic images while monitoring their brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). They then compared the results to the brain activity of an additional 19 men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior.

The men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior had increased brain activity in the ventral striatum, dorsal anterior cingulate, and amygdala. These regions are the same areas that show increased activity during drug use in people who are addicted.

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, a GoodTherapy.org addiction Topic Expert, finds the results unsurprising, explaining, “It’s no surprise that a so-called behavioral addiction mimics drug addiction, especially when that behavior involves something as primally stimulating and rewarding as sex. What troubles me is that our society still seems more interested in playing a semantics game around debating compulsive sexual behavior as ‘addiction, yes or no’ when this enslaving disorder creates such suffering and shame for countless men and women.” Haber emphasizes that our culture often tacitly endorses sex addiction, compounding the problem that those with addiction face. “Porn is a billion dollar business. Soft-core porn is rampant in commercial media. Women are objectified and exploited globally to make a buck, and yet being a (person who is addicted to sex) is somehow shameful or hard to understand,” he says. [fat_widget_right]

What Qualifies as Sex Addiction?

In a sex-saturated society, it can be challenging to draw the line between normal sexual behavior and sex addiction. For those who experience sex addiction, though, sexual behavior feels obligatory rather than enjoyable. Angela Skurtu, MEd, LMFT, a GoodTherapy.org sexuality Topic Expert, explains, “One of the most difficult struggles partners experience with sex and porn addictions is that these behaviors often take place in lieu of a satisfying sex life with one another. The (person with sex addiction) will struggle because he or she doesn’t actually enjoy his or her sexual behaviors. They feel compelled to engage in these behaviors.”

Skurtu cautions that not all use of pornography use indicates sex addiction. “Clinicians must be careful to educate clients about normal sexual behavior, while also being respectful of the client’s personal values. Watching pornography for 15 minutes or so every other day during masturbation is relatively common. As long as the masturbation does not take the place of a healthy sex life for the couple, it should not be considered problematic behavior,” she says.

References:

University of Cambridge. (2014, July 11). Brain activity in sex addiction mirrors that of drug addiction. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/07/140711153327.htm

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