Middle-aged couple dances in their kitchen.In today’s hectic world, the demands of life can end up dictating your relationship rather than the other way around. Sexual intimacy is often one of the casualties. Time, stress, and busy schedules make it difficult for couples to find time when both partners are interested and available for sex.

If you and your partner would like to have more or better sex, the first step is to prioritize it like you do other important things in your life. One way to kick start this new approach is to have a sexcation with your partner.

A sexcation is a vacation that is solely dedicated to connecting intimately with your partner. Sexcations work well over a long weekend where you will have 3-4 days together away from the stress of your normal life. Let’s discuss how to plan your sexcation in order to maximize the chances that it will be a success.

Step 1: Overcoming Obstacles

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the (time, money, childcare, energy, etc.) for a sexcation with my partner.” It’s entirely possible that now is not the right time for you to have a sexcation. But before jumping to that conclusion, I encourage you to consider your options with an open mind.

Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together.Let’s start with time. How do you currently spend your time? Are you busy with kids, family visits, work, or projects? These are all important, but where does your relationship fit into that? Having a vibrant romantic relationship is something most people want, yet many of us do not give ourselves permission to truly prioritize it. If you are unable to coordinate consecutive days off together, start with one day and see how that goes.

Let’s consider the financial aspect. Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together. You could even plan a sexcation at your house if you are unable to travel.

If childcare is an issue, I encourage you to think creatively about how to solve that problem. If you have a baby, you may be able to structure your time together around when the baby is sleeping. If you have toddlers or older children, perhaps they can stay with a friend or family member for the weekend.

I know it won’t be easy to navigate all these obstacles, but I have seen couples do it with persistence. The following instructions are designed to help you connect, or reconnect if you’ve been distant from each other.

Step 2: Creating Your Oasis

Once you have blocked out the time on your calendars and picked the location of your sex-cation, it’s time to create your oasis. To do this, you may need to plan a buffer between the stress of normal life and your intimate time together. It may be best to plan for the first full day of your sexcation as a buffer day. If you only have one or two days total, you may need to shorten that period.

During the buffer day, consider what you need to do to feel present with your partner. If you need to wrap up loose ends from the week, you can do so, but limit your work to no more than 1 hour, then set it aside for the rest of the time. You and your partner may also have unresolved conflicts from the week. *If* you feel you can discuss it in a calm and respectful manner, spend no more than 1 hour discussing the issue to come to a resolution or stopping point. If you cannot discuss it in a calm manner, make a contract with each other to set the issue aside while on your sexcation. This is not the time for bickering and fighting; it’s time to reconnect and focus on the things you like about each other.

Once you have wrapped up loose ends, each partner should engage in self-care activities for the rest of the buffer day. One good recipe for self-care includes:

Everyone is different, so I encourage you to think ahead about what works best for you and create a self-care plan. Some people may want to go on a long bike ride, while others want a hot bath. Some people use meditation, while others use movement or dance. Some people are soothed by rock music, while others respond to classical. There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care.

Step 3: Intellectual and Emotional Foreplay

Once you and your partner conclude your buffer phase, you can now enter your oasis together. From here through the rest of your sexcation, you will be in foreplay with each other. Foreplay starts long before the clothes come off. It also involves connecting with each other mentally and emotionally.

Consider using the following prompts:

Step Four: Getting Sexy

Once you are feeling intellectually stimulated and emotionally connected, you can begin to incorporate traditional foreplay involving sensual touch. Think ahead about what type of lovemaking you’d like. Do you enjoy feeling seductive and sultry? Sweet and sensual? Fun and flirty? Or some combination of these?

It’s important to cultivate an environment in which both of you feel safe in sharing your desires. Judgment and criticism have no place in your oasis. Also remember your sexcation is not a time to push each other’s boundaries. Instead, focus on activities you both will enjoy.

Consider creating a sensual menu of things you like, such as:

Think about using music, scents such as candles or lotion, or sensual fabrics such as satin or leather. You can also use erotic stories or art to set the mood. Bring any sex toys, sexy games, lingerie, or outfits that you might like to use. Be sure to stay well hydrated, well fed, and well rested. Remember that, regardless of anything else, your goal is connection and enjoyment as a couple.

If you need help restoring intimacy in your relationship, you may wish to contact a sex therapist or couples counselor. With support from the right therapist, you and your partner can reconnect both physically and emotionally.

References:

  1. Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (2002). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  2. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
  3. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  4. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to a healthy couple sexuality, 5th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  5. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2009). Discovering your couple sexual style. New York, NY: Routledge.

Person holds glass ball, in which they are reflectedMany people see sexuality as key to their identity. But sexuality can change over time. These changes often cause shifts in identity, experiences, and relationships.

Sexuality: A Continuum of Experiences

Most people use sexuality to refer to the gender(s) to which they are attracted. However, sexuality means different things to different people. Not everyone experiences sexual feelings. Others have sexual feelings only in certain contexts. Someone who is asexual may have no sexual feelings. Meanwhile, someone who is demisexual may only have sexual feelings in a committed relationship. Even within these identities, there are numerous variations.

Sexuality can change over time. Some of the many reasons a person’s identity might change include:

Understanding Sexual Fluidity

Sexual fluidity is the ability of sexual feelings to change over time. Some people embrace this notion. They may be more open to changes in their sexuality. Others are surprised to experience a shift in sexual feelings.  [fat_widget_right]

Sexologists are people who study human sexuality. They have attempted to understand and quantify human sexuality using scales. For example, the Kinsey Scale ranges from 0-6. It includes identities ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Most people fall somewhere between the two extremes. This is one way to explain sexual fluidity. If most people are not entirely homosexual or heterosexual, then the right experiences or setting may cause a person’s orientation to change.

Other scales that measure sexuality include:

Researchers have developed dozens of other scales. Many of these are slight variations on the Kinsey Scale.

Are Sexuality and Gender the Same? The Link Between Sexuality and Gender

Sexuality and gender are distinct. A person’s sexuality includes a wide range of factors, including the gender to which they are attracted. Gender refers to gender identity. Most people are male or female, while others may have a different gender identity or be nonbinary. Some believe that the concept of gender is harmful or problematic.

Gender and sexual identities can change with time, but a change in one does not necessitate a change in the other. When a person’s gender identity changes, they may remain attracted to the same gender(s) of people. For example, a trans woman who once identified as heterosexual may identify as a lesbian following her transition.

The notion that sexuality can change has long been used to oppress sexual minorities. Conversion therapy uses physical and emotional abuse to urge non-heterosexual people to become heterosexual. It hinges on the idea that it’s possible to force someone to change their sexuality.

How Sexuality Affects Identity

Most people see sexuality as a fundamental part of their identity. Relationships often depend on sexual identity. It is common for people to participate in sexuality-based subcultures. For instance, a heterosexual couple may have primarily heterosexual friends.

When sexuality changes or when someone questions their sexuality, their identity may also shift. Sexuality changes may spur fears of rejection. For example, a lesbian who begins to be attracted to men may worry her friends will judge her.

People with non-normative sexual identities—including lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, and asexual identities—can be especially anxious about shifts in their sexuality. The notion that sexuality can change has long been used to oppress sexual minorities. Conversion therapy uses physical and emotional abuse to urge non-heterosexual people to become heterosexual. It hinges on the idea that it’s possible to force someone to change their sexuality.

The Difference Between Change Over Time and Forced Change

Forced change is categorically different from natural shifts in sexuality. People change many preferences or interests over a lifetime. These include changes that are key to their identity. Careers, hobbies, romantic partners, and political ideals figure prominently in identity. And while they often change with new experiences, they are unlikely to change under duress.

Sexuality is similar, though one’s sexual orientation is never a matter of preference. People cannot change who they love or are attracted to. While those feelings may shift with time, attempting to force change for political or religious reasons is unlikely to work. It can also cause lasting harm. Most medical and psychological organizations oppose conversion therapy as a form of psychological abuse. Several states have banned the practice.

When Sexual Practices and Identity Differ

People align with specific sexual orientations for many reasons. Sometimes a person’s sexual practices are not included in their sexual identity. Someone might identify as heterosexual but occasionally have sex with people of the same gender. Many factors, including stigma, may contribute to this behavior.

The philosopher and social theorist Michel Foucault famously argued that sexual identity is a social and historical construct, not an unchangeable identity. He saw sexual identity as linked to power structures and historical shifts. Foucault disputed the idea that sexual orientation is a fundamental part of one’s essence. With this understanding of sexuality, shifts in identity may be inevitable. They may be no different than changes in taste or fashion.

No matter how someone views their sexual identity or how that identity changes over time, sexuality can prompt important questions about relationships, politics, religion, and more. A therapist can help untangle these issues in a respectful and nonjudgmental setting.

References:

  1. Berkey, B. R., Perelman-Hall, T., & Kurdek, L. A. (1990). The multidimensional scale of sexuality. Journal of Homosexuality,19(4), 67-88. doi: 10.1300/j082v19n04_05
  2. Overview of sexual orientations. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/overview-sexual-orientations
  3. Sexual fluidity. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://vaden.stanford.edu/health-resources/lgbtqia-health/sexual-fluidity
  4. The emergence of sexuality: Foucault, sexual identities, and the modern self. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.thinkolio.org/olios/emergence-sexuality-foucault-sexual-identities-and-modern-self
  5. The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid

Person with long blonde hair wearing white top, black skirt, and black hat skips along street carrying bunch of Halloween-colored balloonsWhen I was 13 years old, I was a huge fan of “I Dream of Jeannie,” a show from the 1960s about a female genie who lives with her male “master” in his suburban home in the United States. Setting aside the psychoanalysis of my choice of character, when Halloween rolled around that year, I was desperate to obtain an I Dream of Jeannie Halloween costume. I remember having to convince my parents to let me buy the costume and how, due to the midriff-baring top and translucent pink pant legs, I had to compromise by wearing a nude leotard and pink tights underneath the costume in order to go trick-or-treating.

Thinking back on this encounter, I am flummoxed. Why, at 13 years old, was I already so aware of the fact that showing my belly and legs, something done every summer at the beach without restrictions or shame, was somehow different when done on October 31st?

Gendered Marketing of Halloween Costumes

The question of what is appropriate dress on Halloween is not a new one, especially for women and girls. The gendered marketing of costumes increasingly makes the news as consumers become more aware of the choices, or lack thereof, presented in stores. Research has shown that, out of eight archetypal categories available for costume choices, women are typically presented with only two: overtly feminine heroes and overtly infantilized, non-human characters such as animals (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017). [fat_widget_right]

This matters in ways that go far beyond a seemingly innocuous holiday. When we sexualize a female warrior or infantilize a lion we are removing agency and power from what that character initially represents. A female warrior doesn’t exist to do battle so much as to showcase her legs; a lion isn’t here to terrorize the Serengeti but rather to passively twirl its beribboned tail at others. A modern woman who wants to dress up as Batman will, in all probability, be unable to find a simple Batman costume. Instead, options will be cute, sexy, and/or unrealistic (i.e. wearing high heels to fight crime). In other words, the original intention of Halloween—disguising oneself in ways outside the “norm”—now includes an unspoken demand for women: above all else, we must still be able to be recognized and seen as female.

Why is this? Some research has gone so far as to wonder if infantilized and/or sexualized costumes for young women are as prevalent as they are in order to reinforce underlying gender roles and myths about the lack of female competence and ability, especially considering that the uptick in availability of these types of costumes starts at an age when young women are beginning to learn about their own agency and sexuality (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017).

Another point to consider as we get closer to Halloween is the idea of sexual expression as a form of independence or freedom. Third-wave feminism has presented self-sexualization, even with intentions to attract the sexual gaze, as proof of female liberation and agency (Erchull & Liss, 2013). Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Celebrating our sexuality through overt dress can absolutely be a part of empowerment. However, with this empowerment comes the double-edged sword women carry of being responsible for our own safety. Research abounds regarding so-called violence prevention that rests solely on the shoulders of women, putting heightened scrutiny on our abilities to reign in our bodies and the choices we make regarding how we showcase them (Crooks, Goodall, Hughes, Jaffe, and Baker 2007). Dressing scantily on Halloween, viewed through this lens, becomes not only a rebellious act but also one that carries an undertone of risk, however unwarranted. (Unwarranted, because of course, sexual harassment, assault, or other violence is never the fault of any victim for any reason.

Awareness and Safety: Make Halloween Fun Again

Can Halloween just be fun again? With a few considerations, I think so. The main takeaways here, I believe, are the importance of (1) awareness and (2) fostering a community of safety.

First, let’s separate the costume from the person. After all, the original intent of Halloween was to disguise oneself from evil spirits (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hayes, 2017). By reminding ourselves of this fact, we can allow a sexy cat costume to simply be a costume, not necessarily a reflection of, or invitation to, the person underneath. Next, it’s important for everyone to remember that no costume is ever an indication of or substitute for consent. Finally, let’s all work to continue the push for greater choice when it comes to female costumes, across all age ranges. This will allow Halloween to be a part of healthy experimentation for young folks, and perhaps more inclusive of people of all genders, rather than a siphoning point for “boys vs. girls.”

It’s also helpful to encourage ourselves and others to increase our media literacy. Our ability to decode the underlying messages presented via commercials, magazines, and yes, even Halloween costume packaging allows us to become more aware of what we are consuming and better able to make choices reflective of our actual desires.

I’ll leave you with another costume story. When I was 10, I had a burning desire to be Elvis Presley for Halloween. There were no Elvis Presley costumes to be found in the stores, so my mom set out to make me one. She helped me pin up my hair in a faux duck-tail swoop, spray-painted it black, and helped me draw on cartoonishly large eyebrows so that my oft-practiced lip snarl would have corresponding eyebrow movements. My legs were so sore that night from pulling one too many hip-swivel and finger point moves. Looking back, I’m amazed my parents felt more confident in my dressing as a male who was an actual sex symbol than my showing off my female body in a Jeannie costume.

Perhaps with more awareness, choice, and body positivity, the next generation of Jeannies and Elvis Presleys can be free to dress up without toting along all the other baggage.

References:

  1. Sullivan, J., Hipple, E., & Hyers, L. (2017). Female disempowerment disguised as a Halloween costume. The Open Family Studies Journal, 2017(9), 60-75.
  2. Erchull, M. J., & Liss, M. (2013). Feminists who flaunt it: Exploring the enjoyment of sexualization among young feminist women. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 2013(43), 2341-2349.
  3. Crooks, C. V., Goodall, G. R., Hughes, R., Jaffe, P. G., & Baker, L. L. (2007). Engaging men and boys in         preventing violence against women: Applying a cognitive behavioral approach. Violence against Women, 13(3), 217-239.

Young couple in kitchen. One partner bends back the other partner playfullyHow can a committed couple in a monogamous relationship have an active and fulfilling sex life? This topic comes up regularly with people I see in treatment. Couples in my office practice will tell me they’re bored with their sexual relationship or that they haven’t had sex in months, sometimes even years. Sex and playfulness are not equated with each other in their interactions. In fact, these couples may not display any playfulness toward one another at all.

When considering entering into a long-term committed relationship, or discussing sexual difficulties within an established relationship, it is common to question whether we can have a monogamous relationship with one person, be satisfied for the rest of our lives with this partner, and remain true to them. Some of us preparing to make such a long-term commitment may experience some level of anguish with regard to this question, both in terms of choosing to make the commitment and how we view ourselves in terms of ethics, morals, and our ability to keep our vows.

Consider the implications of not keeping vows, whether they are wedding vows or simply the informal commitment made when entering a monogamous relationship. Vows are generally not legal issues, in the United States. Rather, they are a commitment we make to ourselves and our partners to remain faithful. Some people may make the choice to be unfaithful when sex is not satisfying and/or their needs are not met in the partnership. But going outside the relationship to meet needs (when a couple is not practicing ethical non-monogamy) is a violation of vows that can easily destroy the love and trust between partners, causing deep hurt and damaging both individuals. But how, then, can a couple address issues of sexual needs not being met in a relationship?

What Happens When Sexual Needs Aren’t Being Met?

We know most romantic relationships may not be exciting or fulfilling without sex. In most cases (though there are exceptions), couples who are not getting their sexual needs met in a relationship are also not getting what they need emotionally. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

A satisfying sexual relationship is often crucial to the success of a romantic relationship. How we perceive our needs and desires in the physical relationship cannot be answered in this one article, but I want to talk about the attitude shift, or the way we look at ourselves and our partners in terms of their ability to meet our needs in the sexual relationship. While there may be inherent differences when it comes to what each partner might bring emotionally to the sexual relationship, couples on the whole need the same thing from their sexual relationships—an emotional connection, a feeling of security that enables them to be vulnerable and express themselves sexually, and the physical manifestation of their emotions in the giving of themselves to their partners.

The common stereotype that men are strictly orgasm-centered during sex, that emotions don’t come into play for them, is a fallacy. I can tell you, from one man’s perspective, that nothing is further from the truth. When people define their love and emotions in a physical way, they give of themselves to their partners through the physical relationship. If a physical connection is not present in a relationship, either partner may feel unimportant, empty, or alone, especially when no mechanism to discuss this is in place.

Giving emotionally to our partners is extremely important. To share ourselves through sex means being emotionally vulnerable to the person in our world who is the most important to us, and couples thrive on the empathy and emotional response that occurs when they are fully present with one another during sexual intimacy.

Sue Johnson, developer of emotionally focused couples and family therapy (EFT) defines three types of sex:

Challenges Faced When Learning to Reconnect

When I counsel couples about coming back together intimately after sex has been absent from their interaction for some time, there are a number of unique hurdles to overcome. Each partner has specific needs and ways they need to express themselves sexually. I help them make sure they understand how to meet each other’s emotional needs in the relationship and learn what is needed from each partner for sex to be exciting and fulfilling for both. A deeper understanding of those needs can create a powerful sexual experience for both partners, who may then be better able to move toward a healthy and active sexual relationship. While there may be inherent differences when it comes to what each partner might bring emotionally to the sexual relationship, couples on the whole need the same thing from their sexual relationships—an emotional connection, a feeling of security that enables them to be vulnerable and express themselves sexually, and the physical manifestation of their emotions in the giving of themselves to their partners.

To shift our attitudes about our sexual relationship, we must learn to see sex as an extension of the playfulness we have as a couple. There are no limits or boundaries when it comes to this playfulness, other than those set together as a couple. This can make your sexual relationship incredibly powerful. The dialogue you have with your partner should always contain a discussion about sexual behavior you may or may not want to engage in. You and your partner can then expand your playfulness into sexual exploration, staying within the limits you set regarding behaviors you might not be comfortable with.

David Schnarch coined the term, “wall socket sex“ in his book Passionate Marriage, describing an emotional and sexual stimulation that can create an “electric” connection in sexual intimacy. Being present together and allowing sexual responses to be authentic and natural through the giving and receiving of pleasure can lead to an emotional and physical connection that brings with it an unrivaled eroticism. Being with someone you love sincerely, to whom you are deeply attached, creates a physical relationship where both of you recognize that your presence, your desires and stimulation, are all about your partner’s satisfaction. This can be a recipe for a powerful sexual and emotional connection.

Learning to Share Vulnerably

In couples counseling specifically, I’ve heard a lot of discussion surmising that when everything is going well in the relationship, the sexual relationship will naturally take care of itself. I have not found this to be accurate. What helps heal the sexual relationship is being able to be vulnerable with each other, to bring up fantasies and desires, to be able to feel safe in sharing needs and desires without fear of rejection. You have to know your partner loves you and that fantasies and desires will be at least heard, if not considered. [amazon_affiliate]

When it comes to the particulars of sex in relationships, in a healthy partnership it should be possible to discuss and consider introducing new activities in the bedroom. Things like role play, sex toys, and other types of kink, or non-vanilla sex (what some might refer to as “abnormal” sexual behavior), can be openly discussed and considered. Having a dialogue about what you like, what turns you on, what drives you sexually, or what you’d like to experience is most likely to be possible—and productive—when both partners feel emotionally safe.

If one partner isn’t comfortable in any way, it’s essential to consider what they want and need. Anal sex is an example where a dialogue about wanting to engage in this form of sex play may be necessary. If one partner declines, does that create anger and resentment, or do you simply take it off the list? If you’re in a relationship where you feel secure about broaching any subject, you would simply cross it off and move on to consider the multitude of other sexual adventures you might have instead. If you struggle with these discussions, consider seeking the help of a qualified mental health professional. It can help to begin the conversation in a safe space free of judgment.

I believe monogamy is so sexy because two people can have whatever they desire together. Though it may be necessary to work through any issues that may arise, and perhaps commit to several conversations about certain topics, this can still lead to greater feelings of security and safety in the emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship. When we know our relationship is secure, that our partner is invested in making us happy and fulfilling us emotionally, physically, and sexually, just as we are committed to doing so for them, we are free to enjoy the sexual relationship to the fullest.

References: 

  1. Johnson, S. (2013). The three kinds of sex. Retrieved from http://www.drsuejohnson.com/the-three-kinds-of-sex
  2. Schnarch, D. (2009, April 27). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Bare feet of couple going up curving stairs, leaving their clothes scattered along the stairsMany of the people I see in my practice have come to consult with me about an issue they have with their sexual behaviors. A number of them are seeking help after violating a spousal or relationship agreement, sometimes after a partner has issued an ultimatum. I also help people who tell me they are seeking therapy to work through shame associated with (not caused by) sexuality or methods of sexual expression.

As a therapist, I am always attentive to the ways those I treat characterize the concern they are struggling with, and I aim to be particularly cautious when it comes to descriptions of “problems” related to sexual behavior. Experiences related to sexuality are often stigmatized by society, and a person’s definition and characterization of their sexual identity and expressions might be highly influenced by shame or fear, not necessarily by their own understandings of their experiences. In this article, I use the term “hyper-sexual behavior” as an example of a sexual problem or experience, as this is my professional specialization as a sex therapist.

Getting to Know the Issue

People who are experiencing a sex-related concern in their lives might form an opinion of this issue based on social stigma, but this can give the issue a level of influence that may be both unnecessary and harmful. A person’s actual experience of the issue, and the effect it has on their life, can get lost in feelings related to stigma. This can lead to feelings of powerlessness and may make it more difficult for a person to effectively address the issue. [fat_widget_right]

When it comes to hyper-sexual behavior, for instance, not everyone experiencing this wants to change it. Some mental health professionals might assume an individual seeking treatment is distressed by this behavior, but this is not always the case. As health care providers, it is important for us to question our assumptions and be in touch with our own beliefs and biases. We need to understand many of our beliefs about sexuality and sexual issues have been socially constructed and reinforced.

Some people seeking therapy for hyper-sexual behavior, however, do experience significant distress with regard to this behavior, or because of it. Whether this distress is caused by the social stigmatization of their sexual identities or expressions, or by the effects of these concerns, it is our responsibility as therapists to view all people as the experts of their own experiences while remaining open, typically through curious and respectful inquiry.

In the beginning stages of therapy, it may be most helpful to work on managing the distress rather than addressing hyper-sexual behavior right away. When the therapist knows more about the characteristics of the issue, the person’s near-experience definition of the issue, and/or the impact the it may be having on a person’s life, they may then be able to assist the individual more effectively. Therapists who understand a person’s concerns on a personal level—not through a socially or scientifically constructed narrative—are likely to be able to provide the most benefit.

Personalized Conversations About Sexuality

I have found it helpful for a therapist to make space for the person in therapy to explore, through rich discussion, the effects what they are experiencing may be having on their life. As they explore their experience more deeply, it may become easier to define, and therapists can often assist individuals in therapy with the process of naming their hyper-sexual behavior in ways that fully encompass their experience. When hyper-sexual behavior is perceived as problematic, some may described it as a bad friend, reckless behavior, insidious urge, or the craving, among other things. Conversations that personalize a person’s own experience not only provide information about what the issue represents and how it manifests, but they can also open space for the identification of creative ways to overcome the negative effects of the issue. Experiences related to sexuality are often stigmatized by society, and a person’s definition and characterization of their sexual identity and expressions might be highly influenced by shame or fear, not necessarily by their own understandings of their experiences.

Tracing An Experience’s History

After a person in therapy and the therapist have collaborated on a definition or description of the presenting concern that accurately fits the person’s experience, they may also want to understand the pattern of the issue’s development across the person’s lifespan. Many individuals find this helpful when they experience issues as ever-evolving, especially those issues that are of a sexual nature.

It may be essential to understand how a person’s behavior or attitude has developed through the years, in relation to their experience. Therapists can often help those they are treating understand what patterns or trends in their lives may have contributed to the issues of a sexual nature that are now presenting challenges to daily life or function. It can also be helpful to explore times when their behavior has manifested in preferred ways, as this can provide the person and the therapist with important clues about their own resources and successful attempts to resist the behavior posing a concern.

Cultural Implications

When I refer to the experience of hyper-sexuality, I intend to use “hyper” in a way that highlights definitions such as “active” or “lively.” Some people feel quite comfortable with hyper-sexual behavior and prefer a hyper-sexual lifestyle. Their only problem may be how they are treated by others. Other people may struggle to comprehend their own behavior, whether or not the behavior itself troubles them, for a variety of reasons. One reason that stands out from my therapeutic conversations is the cultural assumption of monogamy and marriage as an institution.

Traditional conventions of living and performing in society are being widely challenged by greater recognition of diversity. This is particularly true when it comes to sex and sexuality. One can say that generalizing hyper-sexual behavior as a problem may protect some from social stigma and shame. If one’s hyper-sexual behavior is seen as an addiction or an illness, others may be more likely to view it as something they can’t control, and “relapses,” or lack of control, might be expected. From the other perspective, those who embrace this “illness” can be seen as “addicted” or “afflicted,” and consequently, their differentness can be rejected.

Sexual expressions such as hyper-sexual behavior may simply be associated with the cultural or spiritual beliefs of some individuals. In some communities, certain forms of sexual expression may be considered normal or typical, while in other societies the same behavior may be perceived and categorized as abnormal. Individuals may then take it upon themselves to turn these manners of expression or lifestyles into a public concern, and somehow, turn this into an excuse to punish and discriminate against those who engage in these expressions. Throughout history, people have used labels and medical/psychological diagnoses in such a way, or to justify horrific actions against other individuals. David Ley’s The Myth of Sex Addiction, for example, highlights the North American denial of rights to some minority groups, based on the false reporting of them as deficient or weak. [amazon_affiliate]

As a result of restrictive cultural views and norms around sex and sexuality, labels such as hyper-sexuality, promiscuity, or even sex addiction have often been defined in inaccurate ways that lack medical or scientific support. In therapy, however, once the therapist and person in treatment have formed a more detailed description and definition of the concern, including its historical presence in the individual’s life, they can often develop a more thorough understanding of how the issue impacts different domains in the person’s life.

Mapping the Effects

When it comes to hyper-sexuality specifically, I find that many initially describe it as a “sexual addiction,” and some psychotherapists are inclined to immediately apply “interventions” to help the person with their addiction. One problem with this approach is that we do not truly know what “sexual addiction” means to the person consulting with us. Other issues here are the controversy around this term, its authenticity, and the contradicting science and research behind it. As a therapist, I rarely use this term in my work with a person seeking treatment—unless they themselves feel this term does indeed accurately describe their experience.

As a result of restrictive cultural views and norms around sex and sexuality, labels such as hyper-sexuality, promiscuity, or even sex addiction have often been defined in inaccurate ways that lack medical or scientific support.Sexuality-related issues can have a significant impact on different areas of a person’s life. In sex therapy, I ask questions to both better understand these effects in depth myself and help the person seeking treatment understand, as well. This process, known as mapping the effects, can help people make an informed evaluation about their position in relation to the problem and its influence on their lives.

I worry about the use of terms such as “sex addiction” as I map the effects of a particular issue on a person’s life, as one’s understanding of the effects of their experience may be influenced by the sensational nature of the term, and this can prevent the work from being authentic or effective. A therapeutic conversation that maps the effects of sex addiction may be misguided by any social and moral presuppositions around the term or label.

Narrative and Supportive Conversations

All therapists (and other health care providers) working with a person who decides to share personal information about their sexuality or sexual expression should understand that this is likely a matter of great importance to that person. I respectfully ask you to resist any impulse to move to the next topic. Talking about sex and sexuality in our society is a challenging process for many, and at times, it may even be threatening. If the person you are working with brings it up, chances are they really need your support. To find out the most effective way of being supportive, it’s generally best to simply ask the person.

It is imperative we do not assume we know something is a “problem” or decide the person is bringing up sexuality because it is an issue of concern to them—they may simply want to discuss it. When a person shares intimate aspects of their experience as a sexual being, this can be seen as an act of bravery and a sign of resistance against shame and stigma. A therapist’s response to these sorts of accounts or revelations can be extremely influential in the person’s journey.

References:

  1. Braun-Harvey, D., & Vigorito, M. A. (2015). Treating out of control sexual behavior: Rethinking sex addiction. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.
  2. Freedman, J. H., & Combs, G. (1996). Narrative therapy: The social construction of preferred realities. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
  3. Ley, D. J. (2012). The myth of sex addiction. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
  4. Morgan, A. (2000). What is narrative therapy? An easy-to-read introduction. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications.
  5. White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. London: W. W. Norton & Company, Ltd.
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