GoodTherapy | Goal-Oriented Sex: Reconsider Your Sex Goals

by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD in San Francisco, CA

Finish-Line Sex or Meandering-Journey Sex?

When it comes to sex, most of us haven’t had anything close to an adequate education. If anything, we were taught directly or indirectly to focus on a goal, namely, orgasm, and more pointedly, the male orgasm or ejaculation. This “sex education” is not really an education because it’s an old, patriarchal paradigm that was created in a traditional, fear-based fashion. It focuses on sexually transmitted infections – what they are, how to avoid them, and so forth — and less on the pleasure of the sexual act itself.

Understanding Goal-Oriented Sex by the Numbers

There are many ways to conceptually understand sex, why we have it, why we want it, and what it’s all about. One way is goal-oriented sex. Goal-oriented sex centers on male ejaculation with that being of primary importance. Of secondary importance is either avoiding or inducing procreation. This is backed up scientifically. For instance, a  2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at more than 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — and found 95% of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared with just 65% of heterosexual women. And many of these men are unaware entirely if their female partner orgasmed.

It’s clear goal-oriented sex prioritizes the man’s orgasm and not the woman’s in a hetero-focused or designed relationship, because otherwise, those numbers would be more equal. Certified intimacy educator Shan Boodram said in The Zoe Report, “Because the male orgasm is crucial to procreate, our society has built this idea that the male orgasm is crucial for sex; that sex begins with a hard penis and ends with a flaccid penis. Because women don’t have to orgasm to create life, it took a different level of societal importance.” Again, the numbers back that up — fewer heterosexual women are having orgasms during sex than heterosexual men.

Communication about Sex Goals, Desires, and Experiences

There hasn’t been a lot of space in this so-called “sex ed” to include teaching how to communicate around sex. This includes having the skills to be able to voice that you haven’t had an orgasm and that you want one, or that you genuinely don’t. The skills of being curious and asking about a partner’s pleasure are also not taught. Traditionally, female pleasure has taken a backseat to that of males, although that may be changing, especially with the sex-positive movement.

A Pleasure-Oriented Approach

Yes, some limited types of sex can lead to procreation, but the majority of sex has nothing to do with procreation and is instead about desire as well as pleasure. This is where the hetero world can learn a great deal from the gays!

Boodram goes on to say, “In fact, the orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual relationships. When you are with a same-sex partner, there is nothing to prove — it’s just about what feels good, and that is when naturally more orgasms and more pleasure occurs.” Without having rigid, “finish-line-driven” sex goals that govern your sexual experiences, you’re able to be more exploratory.

What Boodram is referencing here is pleasure-oriented sex. It’s sex-positive in nature and takes the focus off of sex being mostly about procreation. It also takes the focus away from an end result and instead draws attention to the present moment, to cultivating pleasure with or without an orgasm. Sure, orgasms are great, but how can you create more pleasure overall, not just at the very end?

Sex Is Not a Performance

Shifting to pleasure-oriented sex can also provide some symptom relief for people who have experienced hypoarousal, decreased desire, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and anxiety. Typically, a traditional way of considering sexual anxiety is to frame it as “performance anxiety.” However, sex need not ever be a performance. Turning sex into a performance takes a person out of the moment and their body. It intellectualizes the process instead of making it an embodied experience. The analyzer self takes over and there is a dissociation from the pleasurable experience.

Many therapists, including sex therapists like Dr. Renye, offer knowledgeable support for individuals and couples with sexual concerns of all kinds. Use our advanced search to find a therapist who specializes in Sex and Sexuality. 

Embodiment Helps You Stay Present

As I’ve written about before, embodiment allows you to be in touch with the body signals that you get on a regular basis. If you can sense them, you can use them to your advantage. You know what you like and don’t like more and more as you progress in your journey of embodiment. When you are navigating a sexual or sensual situation with someone, you are in a better position to know and communicate things such as “Let’s try this out” or “I’d like it if you touched me slower/faster/lighter/harder,” or “Stop what you are doing; I’m not into it. I’d like this or that instead.”

Oftentimes, less-experienced lovers naively think that explicitly voicing what they want kills the moment. Quite the opposite can be true. By following your knowing, you have the confidence to stay with yourself (not abandon yourself) during sex. This increases genuine confidence and increases the possibility of pleasure for all involved. In short, you’ll enjoy sex more.

Change Your Approach — and Your Sex Goals

Not only will transitioning from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented sex bring more pleasure to sex, but it can also be a way to practice empathy by focusing on pleasure for your partner(s). If your sex goals are about connection, You’re checking in with them verbally to receive consent and affirmation that they are indeed having a pleasurable experience. You’re attuning to someone else, which can make you a better lover overall. And who doesn’t want to be a better lover?

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References

Frederick, David; et al. “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior. Feb. 17, 2017. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

Powell, Vanessa. “This Common Mistake Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life.” The Zoe Report. February 29, 2020. https://www.thezoereport.com/p/goal-oriented-sex-could-be-ruining-your-intimate-life-22579581

From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

Last week I shared with you my perspective as a sexologist on the five circles of sexuality; this week, I want to share sensate focus with you as an exercise to facilitate sensual exploration and discovery with a partner. 

Sensate focus was developed by Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s. It is about giving and receiving touch. I give this partner exercise to couples to help them improve their communication and learn more about what each person likes. Sensate focus is a sensual exercise, not a sexual one, meaning no matter how turned on you or your partner becomes, avoid touching the genitals or breasts, and refrain from oral sex, intercourse, or other sexual activity until you get to that step, which takes time.

Below I’ve summarized the steps of the sensate focus exercise, but for more in-depth instructions, visit the Cornell Health website.

Try this exercise when you and your partner have about 30 to 40 minutes to spare, are relaxed, rested, and feeling care for each other. Nudity is ideal as this is a skin-to-skin practice, but it can also be practiced in loose-fitting clothing. Ideally, both partners are nude, showered, and free of jewelry and watches. As you engage, fully present, with one another, you’ll build intimacy with your partner on multiple levels. 

Starting Out

Step 1: Touching. 

One partner is the toucher and one is the receiver. For the receiving partner, focus on the sensation of being touched, notice the sensations. How do you feel? What do you notice about the differences in the way different types of touches or parts of your body feel as your partner touches you. Also, be sure to vocalize if something feels uncomfortable physically or psychologically. Remember: this is about both the sensual experience and about communication. 

For the toucher, notice the different surface textures of your partner’s skin. How do their hands feel versus their stomach? Which part of the body feels silky or supple? How glorious and exciting it is to be able to touch your partner in this way!

Practice this for 15 minutes since it can take some time to get in the groove, to feel comfortable with touching your partner. Vary the firmness and tempo – try a long-drawn-out touch as well as a quicker touch. How does changing the tempo alter the sensation? What difference do you notice using two hands versus one? Or touching with your whole hand rather than just your fingertips? 

Lastly, remember that at any point either partner can ask to stop! This is also true if the receiver starts to doze off. The point is not to receive a massage that leads to dreamland but rather for the toucher and receiver to notice sensations without any “shoulds” or distractions.

Step 2: Reverse roles. 

Now the toucher becomes the receiver. Segue into step two without any breaks if possible and don’t compare touching styles! You are two different people with different feelings, instincts, and perceptions. 

Some couples repeat steps one and two for a series of days. There’s no pressure to move on to step three, nor is there a test to “pass” before trying step three. It’s up to you and your partner. When you are working with a sexologist or sex therapist, heed their guidance and instruction and follow the plan you co-created together in session, but also rely on the relationship for furthering this exercise.

Level Up

Step 3: Include genital and/or breast touching. 

In this step, touching the genitals and/or breasts is included, but kissing and intercourse are not. As with step one, one person is the toucher and one is the receiver. And again, each partner should be rested, nude, and free of jewelry/watches. 

Have the receiver start out lying face-down on the bed. Touching the genitals and/or breasts is included in this step, but those body parts should not be the sole focus of the sensate focus exercise. At this stage, consider them as just another part of the body. Again, the point of sensate focus is not to specifically turn each other on or force something to happen, but rather to pay attention to the sensations associated with touching your partner’s body. To maintain this objective, try briefly touching in or around the genital area before moving to another part of the body. 

After falling into a nice rhythm where the toucher is registering the sensations in their fingertips, shift positions. The toucher will sit against a wall, perhaps with a few pillows behind their back and legs outstretched into a “V” shape. Have the receiver move to sit between the toucher’s legs with their back against the toucher’s chest. The toucher now has access to touch much of the receiver’s body if they reach down or around the receiver. 

The toucher continues to explore the receiver’s body but now nonverbal, touch communication is added: The receiver puts a hand on top of the toucher’s as they keep exploring. This “hand-riding” technique provides a simple yet effective way to transmit additional information to the toucher. For instance, the receiver can demonstrate where they’d like a firmer touch or a slower one. 

The toucher doesn’t have to comply with every nudge, but this practice allows them to combine personal feelings and needs with messages from the receiver. Also, for the toucher, note that a signal to your hand isn’t a criticism but is instead a request to try something else. There are many opportunities to see your own shadow material come into the light during this exercise. These are great instances to process in your next therapy session. Receiver, give your partner signals while they touch your genital area so they don’t guess what you prefer.

Some notes: If the receiver orgasms, that’s OK, but don’t try to make an orgasm happen. Remember, this is not a goal-oriented exercise. Also, at any time either participant can request switching roles. However, make sure each partner experiences both roles before ending the sensate focus exercise. 

Later Steps of Sensate Focus

Steps four and five involve the use of lotion as well as mutual touching. Step six is sensual, not sexual intercourse. The same principles of sensate focus apply but now your genital areas can touch too. At this step, if sexual intercourse is desired, start with only partial penetration. Go slowly and take your time to feel the sensations associated with contact.

I’ve only summarized sensate focus and skimmed over the last three steps because I think it’s important to have a solid sensual foundation. We spend so much time talking about how to have better sex that we often forget about the other sexuality circles. Bringing in more sensuality will ultimately lead to better sex; it’s not something to skip over.  

References

Green, Eli R. “The 5 Circles of Sexuality: Overview and Implications for Transgender People.” FORGE. Accessed September 17, 2020. 

“Sensate Focus.” Cornell Health. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf. Accessed September 21, 2020.

“The Circles of Sexuality.” Minnesota Department of Public Health. Accessed September 17, 2020.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

Therapists, did you know we have CE courses available for homestudy about sex and sexuality? Click here to see some of the options; visit your member’s area to search the full archives. Not a member yet? Check out our membership options that include CEs here.

A Sexologist's Perspective on Sexuality

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

A Sexologist’s Perspective on Sexuality 

When it comes to sexuality, most people think of, well, sex. This word is both loaded and very limited. However, there are so many other aspects of sexuality that don’t get nearly enough air time.

I’m a certified sexologist with the American College of Sexologists International and a licensed psychologist with a master’s degree in human sexuality. I’ve dedicated years to thinking about, researching, writing, and teaching this topic. I care about this deeply because, even today, there’s a lack of awareness and communication regarding sexual topics in the general public. I know there can be a lot of pressure around sexual activity, but to remove it from its broader context of sexuality does us no favors. 

Sex Is Complex

Having worked in domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers as a counselor and court advocate, I know sex can be used as a weapon of violence. But I also know through educating individuals and couples on the techniques of erotic massage, eye gazing, and non-violent communication, that sexuality can be an expression of connection and deep love and admiration. Sex can be experienced and used in a myriad of ways across the continuum of pain and pleasure.

A Model for Understanding Human Sexuality

But sex is more than the physical act. When talking about sex, I like to widen the lens and talk about sexuality, which is as deep as it is multifaceted. A holistic model I teach often to couples, individuals, and students is the five circles of sexuality developed by Dr. Dennis Dailey in 1981, which is still relevant. Note: In his original model he listed “biological gender” in the sexual identity circle. We now have a more nuanced and better understanding that gender is a social construct and sex is biological anatomy. Dailey’s work expanded the definition and understanding of sex at the time. No one benefits from a narrow definition – in fact, many are harmed by it – but we can bring our better understanding to his contributions and still see the insight of his work.

In this model, values lie at the center of sexuality, but surrounding it are circles: power and sexualization, sensuality, intimacy, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. All of these aspects of sexuality are important parts of the whole for each individual. 

How These Circles Interact

As you can see, sexuality is multi-faceted. Furthermore, these circles of sexuality influence one another. For instance, if you have a history of negative power exchanges, that may make it harder for you to build intimacy with others. Or if you are a transgender person, you may be less inclined to seek out sexual-related healthcare because you don’t feel safe disclosing that information to certain healthcare providers.

When someone comes to me with a sexual concern, there are usually several factors at play that require attention and care. I spent 2+ years earning a master’s degree in human sexuality (with various practical application internships) on this topic because sexuality is so complex and cannot be distilled down to a sound bite or a 3-step method to sexual healing. That said, certain exercises come up frequently in my practice; sensate focus is one of them, and I’ll be back to share more about that next week.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

To find a sex therapist in your area, begin your search here.

Couple sits on bed in embraceIn the safety of therapy, clients are able to open up about their sexual experiences. This all too often reveals shame lurking beneath the surface. For some people, it’s close to the surface, and for others, it’s buried deep within them.

Shame flourishes when it’s kept in the dark. But shame tends to diminish when it is brought into the open and met with love and compassion. I’m writing this article to highlight some of the common ways shame operates in regards to sexuality. Hopefully, you may learn some ways to leave it behind.

5 Ways Shame Impacts Sex

Internalized Problems

One marker of shame is that problems are experienced as integral to the person rather than as a natural result of situational factors that can be explained and addressed:

Chantelle looked down as she spoke. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get aroused anymore, and I barely feel pleasure from sex. I used to really enjoy sex.”

Once we began to unpack her problem and rule out any medical issues, it became clear that there were several very good reasons why Chantelle had low desire and arousal—she felt exhausted from lack of sleep and stress, and she often felt she was running on empty due to having very little time to herself.

Reframing Chantelle’s lack of sexual desire and arousal as a natural response to situational factors in her life rather than something inherently wrong with her was key in helping her let go of the shame and self-blame. Chantelle was then able to address the various factors that were making it difficult for her to enjoy sex. We found creative ways for Chantelle to prioritize her needs for sleep and self-care, which created more energy for her to reconnect with herself and her partner sexually.

Disgust

Disgust and queasiness are signs there is shame lurking within oneself. When babies are born, they have no shame about their bodies. Babies will naturally begin to explore their body, and genitals, with no judgment. It is parents and adults who attach shame to that experience.

It is natural and healthy to explore one’s body, starting in childhood and through all stages of life. It is also natural to experience sexual desire and to act on that desire, when done in a safe and consensual way. If you feel disgust about your body or sexuality, it may mean you are carrying shame or judgments that don’t belong to you.

Many clients I see have some memory of being shamed as a child for exploring their body or playing “doctor” with other children. Other clients have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse as a child or an adult. Sexual abuse or harassment is never the victim’s fault. Please know there is help if you or someone you know has experienced this. In all cases of sexual shame and disgust, please seek help and guidance. Having sexual challenges or problems does not mean you or your body are disgusting or wrong.

Inhibited Desire and Arousal

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Michael Bader writes in his book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies about certain mood states that are incompatible with arousal: anxiety, guilt, and shame. To circumvent these barriers, the subconscious may invent fantasies to remove the source of the anxiety, guilt, or shame to free the person up to experience arousal.

For instance, a shame-bound person may have a sexual fantasy of being shamed or humiliated, which sexualizes the very thing that is blocking their arousal. In many other cases, a person with shame about their body or sexuality will continue to live with a repressed sexuality, unable to overcome their mental blocks or to experience their full sexual expression.

Secrecy and Psychological Splitting

Being overwhelmed with sexual guilt and shame causes people to hide sexual desires or behaviors because they perceive them as bad or unworthy. Hiding and secrecy impede a person’s relationship with others and create isolation. This exacerbates the problem of shame for the person and often disrupts their relationships with their family, friends, and community.

Sexual shame also causes psychological splitting, which happens when a person “splits off” a part of themselves that is deemed to be unacceptable. The disowned part of themselves continues to exist, but only in secret, where it often becomes distorted and intertwined with shame.

Splitting and secrecy cause many problems, including internal disconnect, relational disconnect and conflict, depression, dishonesty, infidelity, and others. Clients with this issue are able to work towards integration of their disowned parts in therapy, which can help reduce the shame.

Communication Breakdown

Couples who have sexual problems accompanied by shame often lash out at each other or shut down during conversations about their issues. The conversation usually starts with an effort to make sense of the problem and try to find a solution. But the conversation becomes frustrating quickly when there is shame involved.

A person with shame is more likely to want to deflect away from their own role in the issue, which can lead to inadvertently blaming the other person rather than owning their part. In other cases, one or both parties are so embarrassed and ashamed that they shut down, and the conversation ends in tears or shutting the other person out:

Alexandra and Neil haven’t had regular sex in years. After what they felt was a debacle on their wedding night, they slowly sank into a cycle of shame and blame. She felt embarrassed at her lack of experience and felt it was her fault the sex was awkward and painful. He felt he had failed in his role as a husband because he couldn’t please his wife. After 2 years of trying and arguing, Alexandra and Neil stopped bringing it up altogether. Now in therapy 10 years later, they have many layers of guilt and shame to process in order to heal and repair their relationship.

Sex-Related Shame: What to Do About It

Remember that many people experience shame about their sexuality and are able to heal from it. If this applies to you, consider engaging the help of a mentor or therapist and use resources such as the books listed below.

Consider meditating on the following phrases:

A therapist can help you work on identifying any sex-negative or shame-based beliefs, exploring where they came from, and reframing them into something that is more positive and affirming of your sexuality. Through this process, you may also work on healing any underlying wounds. Find an understanding therapist here.

Make sure to consult a physician to rule out any physical contributors to your sexual functioning.

Sex-Positive Books on Sexuality

Books for Survivors of Sexual Trauma and Those Who Love Them

Couple holding hands at table on coffee datePeople choose to open their relationships for many reasons, and there are many ways to do it. From swinging to polyamory and everything in between, each couple venturing outside the bounds of monogamy must navigate the arrangement that works best for them. The books referenced at the bottom of this article contain a wealth of information about open relationship styles. Before leaping into the unknown, it’s important to consider whether nonmonogamy is right for you. Consider the following questions—and then read up.

1. Is your mental and emotional health well-managed?

An open relationship can work wonderfully for many couples, but it may not be a good idea if you or your partner have unmanaged mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, mood conditions, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), or bipolar. The complexities of an open relationship style may exacerbate untreated mental health issues.

If you struggle with your mental health, as many people do, consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist to address your needs and to discuss the potential mental health implications of opening your relationship. [fat_widget_right]

2. What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style determines how secure you feel in romantic relationships, and it is typically established in childhood based on your relationship with parents or caregivers. If you are anxiously attached and often fear that your partner will leave you, an open relationship may trigger those fears and lead to problems. This doesn’t mean an open relationship is not for you—rather, it means you should be honest with yourself about what it will take for you to feel secure.

Also, know that attachment styles can become more secure with time and healing. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love has good information about attachment styles. There are also online resources and quizzes, including this one, that can help you learn about your attachment style and that of your partner.

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3. Does your relationship have significant unaddressed problems or issues?

Don’t expect an open relationship to fix a relationship that is on the rocks. It’s wise to go to couples therapy and address any issues between you and your partner before considering an open relationship.

Every relationship, open or not, has its issues. You don’t have to be a “perfect” couple to open your relationship, but you will likely be better able to handle any challenges that arise if you feel confident that your relationship is on strong footing.

4. How well do you communicate with each other?

Having a successful open relationship requires a LOT of communication. If you and your partner struggle being open and honest with each other, communication practices such as active/reflective listening, using I-statements, and focusing on feelings and needs are an excellent place to start.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

5. How busy are you?

If you struggle to make time for your partner as it is, adding another partner isn’t going to help.

Having an open relationship takes a lot of time—time openly communicating, time spent coordinating, time spent checking in on each other’s needs and feelings, and, of course, one-on-one time with each partner. Take an honest look at your calendar and make sure you have time for all of it. Make sure opening your relationship won’t have an unexpected domino effect of taking time away from other priorities in your life.

6. How do you feel about your partner having sex with another person?

Some people are turned on and excited by this, while others have a knee-jerk reaction against it. If you are in the second group, this is an opportunity for personal exploration. Ask yourself why. What concerns does it bring up? What are you afraid of?

Keep asking questions until you uncover the underlying fear. For instance, beneath jealousy may be a part of you that fears abandonment. Fears often contain some component of irrationality, as they represent unconscious beliefs that can be traced to previous experiences. Try to understand that fearful part of yourself and find out what it needs to feel safe. Remember there are different ways to get your needs met. Be candid with yourself, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be gentle with yourself and with your partner, as these are vulnerable topics.

7. How well do you identify and communicate your needs to your partner?

People who have healthy relationships, open or otherwise, are able to identify their feelings and needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them to their partners in productive ways. Being in an open relationship provides many opportunities to practice this, which may make you a stronger and better communicator.

Consider this hypothetical example: Brenda and Aaron decided to open their marriage three months ago. They’ve both been on a few dates, and Brenda has been struggling with jealousy and insecurity. Brenda could say to Aaron, “I’m feeling nervous and worried about your date tonight (identifying and verbalizing feelings). I fear you will like her more than me and will pull away from me or possibly leave (identifying the underlying fear). I need to know you are committed to us (making a specific request).” Aaron could then say, “Brenda, I understand your fear; I have felt similarly when you go out (validating her feelings). I think you are beautiful. I love you, and I am so happy in our relationship (affirming Brenda and the relationship). I am 100% committed to us (reaffirming his commitment).” Brenda may still have feelings of fear, nervousness, and jealousy, but if she feels anchored by Aaron’s validation and reassurance, she may be better able to manage those feelings.

No one is perfect, and conversations don’t always flow this easily. However, having a relationship grounded in trust, good communication skills, and the ability to identify and share feelings will go a long way.

Conclusion

Although many couples are exploring nonmonogamy, it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner about any concerns you might have. If you decide to try an open relationship, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “fix” any existing problems.

It’s also important to consider the risks. Nonmonogamy remains stigmatized in many cultures and work environments, which can present complications. Educating yourself about the possible benefits and drawbacks, as well as safe sex practices, is essential, and a therapist can help you unpack any concerns you and your partner might have. Many therapists work specifically with nonmonogamous individuals and couples.

If you are curious about open relationships, consider the questions above before opening up rather than after. If you determine that an open relationship may work for you and your partner, check out the books below for helpful guidance on navigating nonmonogamy in an ethical and sustainable way.

References:

  1. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
  2. Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press.
  3. Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.

Woman floating on her back in waterMany people reach adulthood without ever receiving adequate or accurate information about how their bodies work. As a result, many—women in particular—suffer in silence over symptoms they are embarrassed by. These hidden symptoms are often associated with vaginal, gynecological, and sexual issues. It’s time to remove the cloak of silence from one of these specific issues, called vaginismus.

Vaginismus: What Is It?

Vaginismus is the involuntary tightening of pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina; this can make penetration very painful, if not impossible. It may prevent people from using tampons or menstrual cups, having a pelvic exam, or engaging in sexual intercourse. Some describe the experience as their vagina turning into a brick wall upon anticipation or initiation of penetration.

Vaginismus is believed to be one of the more common sexual issues a woman may experience (Spector & Carey, 1990). The condition occurs in about 1-6% of women (van Lankveld, Granot, Weijmar Schultz, Binik, Wesselmann, Pukall, Bohm-Starke, & Achtrari, 2010). Vaginismusawareness.com reports that 2 out of every 1,000 women have vaginismus. Many experts in women’s sexual health believe these numbers are underestimated due to the shame surrounding this condition and other difficulties obtaining accurate numbers.

Stigma, Isolation, and Frustration

Often accompanied by emotions such as shame, embarrassment, fear, frustration, and sadness, vaginismus may cause many to put off seeking medical care and live with the condition alone and in silence. Once, a woman shared with me that she felt broken because she wasn’t capable of engaging in one of the most primal of instincts, consensual sex. But those who experience this concern have no need to feel shame or embarrassment. In fact, there is hope for ending vaginismus. Some sources suggest that most of the clinical trials investigating treatments show success rates to be around 95% effective. [fat_widget_right]

Vaginismus is often characterized by determining if it is primary or secondary. Primary vaginismus occurs when a sexually active individual has never experienced pain-free vaginal penetration. The term “secondary vaginismus” is used when an individual has had vaginal penetration without pain in the past and suddenly develops the condition.

The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada (SOGC) also finds it helpful to determine if vaginismus is situational or global. “Situational” means the issue occurs in certain circumstances only, such as during sexual intercourse but not when using a tampon. “Global” is when the condition is pervasive and occurs in any situation where vaginal penetration is present.

What Can Cause Vaginismus?

Root causes of vaginismus are usually a combination of non-physical and physical triggers. Often, vaginismus involves fear or anxiety that any kind of vaginal penetration will be painful. Medical issues like urinary tract infections, yeast infections, endometriosis, vulvodynia, menopause, vaginal dryness, pelvic surgeries, and childbirth may lead to pelvic pain and vaginismus. Vaginismus can also be caused by traumatic experiences, including sexual abuse and rape.

Once, a woman shared with me that she felt broken because she wasn’t capable of engaging in one of the most primal of instincts, consensual sex. For anyone experiencing this concern, there is no need to feel shame or embarrassment.

The pubococcygeus (PC) muscle group in the pelvic floor plays the biggest role in vaginismus. Typically, a negative feedback loop produces a conditioned response for the PC muscle to tighten or contract when fear of pain is present. The pelvic floor tries to protect from injury by tightening the PC muscle, but in reality, this contraction makes the situation worse. Therapy for vaginismus is, therefore, a combination of mind and body interventions that remove the conditioned, involuntary contraction response of the PC muscle group.

Since vaginismus can have many causes, it is important to see a gynecologist for a proper diagnosis. This will help determine if any medical causes need to be addressed and allow you to develop the best customized treatment plan for pelvic floor healing.

There Is Hope: Treatment and Resources

There are many treatment approaches for vaginismus. These treatments usually take a multi-faceted approach, using methods such as graded exposure with vaginal dilators, physical therapy with or without biofeedback, therapist-assisted relaxation training, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and relationship and sex counseling.

Often, counselors work closely with physical therapists that specialize in dealing with pelvic floor muscles and related issues to treat vaginismus. These specialists are often called pelvic health or women’s health physical therapists (PHPT). Pelvic health physical therapists may use biofeedback, which can help them identify the muscles that are contracting and thereby discover how to relieve the tension. These physical therapists, who often work to treat the entire body with relation to pain, can be invaluable resources in rehabilitating the pelvic floor muscles.

Dr. Peter Pacik designed a treatment program for more severe forms of vaginismus, and it received FDA approval for further study in 2010. He uses a combination of Botox injections to the vaginal muscles affected most and progressive dilation under anesthesia, followed by counseling services. This combined treatment approach has yielded high rates of success.

In addition, the website community Vaginismus.com is dedicated to providing resources and education about vaginismus. Those who prefer to work independently can also find out how to purchase a book on the topic and dilators. However, given the multimodal nature of vaginismus, it is recommended to have some professional supervision as you work on healing.

If you are struggling with painful or difficult vaginal penetration, or if vaginal penetration is impossible, know that there is hope. Although lack of awareness about vaginismus extends from the general public to even a portion of the medical community, there are many medical professionals who are aware of the condition and can help you address it. Above all, it is important to remember: you no longer need to struggle alone. Treatment is available, and there is no reason to feel shame!

References:

  1. Spector I. P., & Carey M. P. (1990). Incidence and prevalence of the sexual dysfunctions: A critical review of the empirical literature. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 19(4), 389–408. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2205172
  2. Vaginismusawareness.com. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.vaginismusawareness.com
  3. Van Lankveld, J. J., Granot, M., Weijmar Schultz, W. C., Binik, Y. M., Wesselmann, U., Pukall, C. F., Bohm-Starke, N., & Achtrari, C. (2010). Women’s sexual pain disorders. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(1), 615–631. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01631.x
  4. When sex hurts–Vaginismus. (n.d.). The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada. Retrieved from https://sogc.org/publications-resources/public-information-pamphlets.html?id=27

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been having a torrid affair with a coworker for seven months. It has been undoubtedly the most exhilarating, liberating, but also emotionally wrenching time of my life. I am cheating on a husband I love very much, but with whom intimacy can best be described as muted. He has never had a sex drive to match mine, and at this point—seven years into our marriage—we are almost never intimate. When we are, he generally doesn’t orgasm, nor do I. I think we do it more out of a sense of love than desire.

Stress is not an issue here. My husband and I do not have children, and we both have careers that allow for plenty of time together. We spend that time doing things we both enjoy, from biking to wine tasting to road trips. Again, I really love my husband! I just don’t feel any sort of carnal craving for him. For that matter, I’m not sure I ever did, even though he is quite handsome.

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We have talked about our sex life (or lack of it). He knows he’s not as motivated by sex as I am. We have accepted that we’re different in that way, I think, because we have so much going for us otherwise. We’re not trying to be something we’re not with each other. I actually love that aspect.

Sexually, the man I’ve been having the affair with is the yin to my yang. He rocks my world like no one ever has. Orgasms aren’t everything, certainly, but just to put things in perspective, last night he had three (!) and I had 12. He has ignited something in me that was dormant for a long time. However, we don’t have a future together. We’re in different life stages, and I don’t intend to ever leave my husband. The arrangement with the other man is purely sexual. And I don’t want it to stop.

Do I feel guilty? Of course I do. I’m not sure anyone goes into marriage thinking they will one day cheat on their partner. But I also feel like I do not get everything I need from my marriage, and I don’t feel it is realistic to expect my husband to fulfill every need I have. I am still reconciling what all this means for us, but I would welcome any thoughts you have. —Wanting It All

Dear Wanting,

Well, talk about the seven-year itch! It is hard to argue with 12 orgasms when you’re accustomed to having zero. On the other hand, something is concerning you here or you would not be writing to me about it.

Your letter raises a profound, and complicated, question about romantic relationships. Is it possible sexual desire and love are separate (or can somehow be lived separately)? Your letter appears to answer that in the affirmative—and you are not alone in feeling that way. But there is probably more going on here than meets the eye. There is, for instance, a hint of what could be a rebellion (understandable) to the sexual dissatisfaction you have experienced.

I take it you believe your husband would be hurt if he knew about your affair. You obviously love him, though it also sounds as though your relationship is akin to a very warm, close friendship: affectionate, respectful, even tender (nothing at all wrong or inferior about any of that) … but also missing a certain “spice.” In fact, given your level of sexual appetite is higher than his, I wonder how you have navigated that difference over the years. Was it a matter of no longer being able to hold out? Is it possible the intensity of the affair is due to your withholding or repressing your desires over time, to the point where you no longer could?

Questions arise for me around this. Did you realize early on that the two of you were sexually incompatible? How was that reconciled? Was there a sense this might be more deeply addressed as time went on, or that it would change? Are you the type who more naturally sets aside their own needs for the other? Is the affair a kind of “rebalancing”?

There are psychologists and other social observers who believe a marriage contract for life is impractical. Search the internet and you’ll find intelligent arguments for a rethinking of monogamy, due to perhaps unrealistic expectations imposed by such an arrangement. I must be frank in saying I am not of this view and thus have a bias. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned in this way (which isn’t to say you aren’t).

Monogamy is challenging, of course. At the same time, it forces us to do something difficult: look our partner in the eye and find a difficult but necessary level of honesty to work through differences. Based on the information you provided, I am not sure whether this was ever an option in your case. It’s possible you underestimated the risk to yourself in having to hold back or curb your desires in order to not offend or overwhelm your husband.

You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.

You are not in an easy position and have not been for a while; I can even imagine being disappointed with your husband. Your behavior communicates this dissatisfaction. You sound like a genuinely nice person, and nice people can have trouble airing disagreements or disappointments.

I would be curious to know how this affair came to fruition—what led up to it, whether it was sudden or a slow build. Did you or your husband have an inkling of how vulnerable you were to sexual temptation? Did or does he possibly “look the other way”? (Some marriages have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding affairs.) What does the man you’re having the affair with represent for you—besides the obvious—that your husband does not? I try to advise partners to not take the other’s (or their own) dissatisfactions for granted; they can fester and leap out of the unconscious via surprising actions or behaviors.

I am going to take a small leap here and guess you are writing not only because you feel guilty or worried about what your husband might think if he found out, but perhaps you’ve felt caught in a bind for some time now and want a little validation for maybe needing this affair—for needing to feel attractive and sexually desired. You may also feel angry at having to feel guilty, since you have self-sacrificed for a while.

I was struck when you said, near the end of your letter, you don’t expect your husband to fulfill every need you have, as if it would be an imposition to ask more of him. Maybe it’s time to be a tad more selfish.

You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.

Which also leads me to wonder: what, exactly, is the deal with your husband? Is he repressed or withholding in bed, and has this been discussed? Is there fear of intimacy or vulnerability on his part? Does he have a hint of how unsatisfied you have been? Are there health factors? Were I seeing you as a couple, I would ask you both to lean in. Your challenge would be to speak up and let him know how unsatisfied you feel and withstand the risk of his feeling hurt. The reason we stretch like this is because of the reward of a deep and unique empathy and trust.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling the tug between hoping you’ll enjoy your overdue pleasure and the hope that a happier arrangement can occur with your husband, along with a diminishing of the guilt you’re feeling. Again, an affair is a short-term outlet, not a long-term adjustment or way of growing closer. Unless, of course, there’s a reason you do not wish to be closer. I just cannot shake the feeling that something is being avoided here: first on your husband’s part, and then perhaps on yours in wanting more but feeling it’s “obvious” it can’t happen. In the meantime, your psyche is in conflict.

You could, I suppose, continue to lead a double life of sorts, but in the long run that strikes me as potentially risky both for your husband’s feelings and trust and for your own peace of mind. I don’t sense your desires are going anywhere soon (and there’s nothing wrong with them). Sex can be a wild card; it’s hard to predict where passionate feelings will lead.

You’ll note I haven’t addressed the question of whether to tell your husband about the affair. In the first place, you did not ask, and secondly it is a tangled question in which there is an argument to be made on either side. It is easy to say “honesty is the best policy,” but this simply isn’t true all of the time, in every situation—and there are many truths in a complex relationship. I think it comes down to the kind of relationship you have and want to have. There are many helpful books and therapists out there to help you sort this out.

Thanks again for writing!

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Couple in bed holding hands under blue duvet coverIn my experience, mismatched levels of sexual desire, or libido, tops the reasons couples enter sex therapy. It’s the reason Marcie and Joe (not their real names) come to therapy weekly. Married over 20 years, Marcie states, “I don’t think about sex ever.”

Yet, when they engage sexually, Marcie says, “I enjoy it. I even orgasm every time. I just never think of it. I’ve never felt sexual desire.” As a result, Marcie feels flawed, as if something is wrong with her. Joe feels unwanted because he initiates sex most of the time.

So, which partner bears “the problem”? The answer is neither.

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The “universe of desire,” as it turns out, is vast. According to author and researcher Emily Nagoski, desire shows up differently for men and women and can vary within gender. In her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Nagoski notes three types of desire.

1. Spontaneous Sexual Desire

Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly what it sounds like. It shows up instantly, with or without stimulation. Nagoski notes 75% of men experience spontaneous desire, as well as 15% of women. When it comes to Marcie and Joe, Joe falls into the “75% of men” category.

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This means 25% of men and the vast majority of women, 85%, do not experience spontaneous desire.

Spontaneous sexual desire as a prerequisite for sex supports a linear view of sexuality dating back to the late 1970s. In fact, researchers did not include desire on the spectrum of human sexuality until Helen Kaplan Singer created the Triphasic Model of the human sexual response cycle. Singer included three distinct phases: desire, excitement, and orgasm, with desire as the entry point.

So how do 85% of women experience sexual pleasure or “excitement” if they do not experience spontaneous desire? Nagoski noted two other types of desire that women more often fall into: responsive and contextual.

2. Responsive Sexual Desire

Responsive sexual desire is when desire shows up in response to stimulation, meaning something sexy happens and the body responds. Marcie falls more into this category. When Joe initiates, her mind and body enjoy the stimulation, and desire—or “wanting more of that feeling”—activates.

Nagoski found 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire, meaning these folks, like Marcie, need more than a sexy thought to “want” sex.

Yet there remains a large percentage of women and a smaller percentage of men who do not fall into the responsive desire category, either.

3. Contextual Sexual Desire

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Nagoski notes most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous. They simply may not be aware of the other factors at play. For many individuals, context matters.

Marcie felt confused when she learned about the “universe of desire” because she always considered herself a non-sexual person. In therapy, our work focused on normalizing how she experienced desire—not as a flaw, an inadequacy, or something wrong with her, but as perfectly normal.

This work helped her shift her sexual self-concept so she could see herself as a woman capable of desire, lust, and erotic energy. It also helped her recognize she did indeed experience desire, just not in the same way Joe did.

Our work also helped Joe better understand how Marcie’s desire worked. He learned to view both responses as healthy and normal. This helped Joe depersonalize Marcie’s lack of sexual advancements and see himself as desirable.

Together, they embraced their differences and worked on improving how to meet each other’s natural sexual responses.

If mismatched desire is an issue in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist who works with couples.

Reference:

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Couple shares romantic moment in bedSensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, is a technique that has been used by sex therapists for many years to help couples and individuals overcome a range of sexual difficulties. Sensate focus exercises work best when engaged in with the guidance of a therapist. However, trying the exercises on one’s own can be a great place to start, if one feels safe and secure in doing so.

Sensate focus can be considered “mindfulness for touch.” A mindfulness practice involves meditation, or intentional focusing on something specific. Sensate focus is “mindfulness for touch” because it is an intentional focus on touch, without expectations, judgment, or pressure. Sensate focus can teach a person how to be in their body experiencing, rather than in their head “spectatoring.” Spectatoring is a normal function of an active mind; however, it inhibits arousal and orgasm, which is problematic. Let’s look at two examples of spectatoring.

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Petra

Petra is generally satisfied with her body and enjoys sex with her partner. However, when receiving oral sex, despite her best intentions, her mind starts to wander: “Did I send that email? … I need to remember to call her tomorrow … oh no, I’m distracted. … My partner is trying so hard, but I don’t know if I can climax …” and on it goes. For Petra, these distracting thoughts come in many forms, depending on the day. She sometimes has thoughts related to personal insecurities; work, family, and relationship stresses; to-do lists; worry about her partner’s experience; and more. This is spectatoring. Rather than being in her body experiencing the sensations, Petra gets in her head and becomes a spectator of what’s happening in her body. As a result, she doesn’t fully enjoy the experience and struggles to orgasm from oral sex.

Petra’s mind is acting exactly as it was intended; she’s not doing anything wrong. The human mind evolved to actively juggle multiple things at once and continuously scan internally and externally to identify what needs attention. Sensate focus is designed to give the active mind something compelling on which to focus during sex so it won’t need to wander. Let’s look at another example.

Tal

Tal generally enjoys connecting sexually with his partner; however, he sometimes has distracting thoughts during intercourse, such as: “She looks tired; maybe she wants me to stop. … Should I switch positions? … But I don’t want to risk losing my erection.” Tal’s spectatoring, like that of many people, is fueled by underlying fears of inadequacy and rejection. When these fears take hold, it is understandable he has difficulty orgasming before starting to lose his erection. Let’s look at a third example in which sensate focus can help.

Cherise and An

Cherise and An are a lesbian couple whose sex has lost its luster. They’ve tried different ways to spice it up, such as watching porn before sex, wearing sexy outfits, and even role play. Some of these activities have been fun, but in the end, they still feel dissatisfied and disconnected during and after sex. Cherise and An realize they have lost touch with their own and each other’s bodies. Sensate focus will help them reconnect with each other in an intentional and intimate way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour. It is recommended to start with 10 minutes for solo sensate focus and 20 minutes for partnered sensate focus. Do only one phase per session, and leave at least a day to process the experience in between sessions. Aim to spend at least two weeks in each phase, or more if needed to ensure one feels comfortable. These exercises can be done one to three times per week, depending on one’s needs and capacity. Sensate focus should be done separately from usual sexual intimacy.

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour.

Non-Demand Touching

Sensate uses non-demand touching, which means you are touching with no particular outcome or expectation in mind. This is different from sexual foreplay. You are not trying to arouse the other person or even to pleasure them. You are touching for yourself, with a sense of curiosity and exploration about your partner’s (or your own) body. Allow yourself to experience and enjoy touch for the sake of touch. Pay attention to the following aspects of the touch: temperature (warm/cool), pressure (hard/soft), and texture (smooth/rough).

Preparations

Sensate focus sessions should be scheduled ahead of time to allow for mental and physical preparation. Consider what will help you get in the mood for intimate touch. It’s important to minimize distractions and engage the senses. Removing distractions can include locking the bedroom door, taking time to unwind beforehand, and ensuring chores are completed. To engage the senses, you may use sensual music (without lyrics), scented candles, satin fabric, or lotions.

Phases

Conclusion

Sensate focus has been used by sex therapists for over 50 years to help people overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction and deepen their sexual experience. Sensate focus, or “mindfulness for touch,” teaches people how to get out of their heads and into their bodies during sexual experiences, using progressive intimacy exercises with non-demand touching.

References:

  1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
  2. McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality, 5th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  3. Siegel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
  4. Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual. New York, NY: Routledge.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Ever since my ex and I broke up a few years ago, my interest in sex has been declining. I have dated a few people since my breakup, but sex just isn’t the same. My libido isn’t what it was, and I just don’t feel “the need” the way I used to. While we were together, my ex and I had a consistently scorching-hot sex life. Sex was extremely important to me and a major source of connection. Now? Most of the time, I can take it or leave it.

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Part of me wonders if this is more about getting older and less about something else. I’m 44 now, and I know it’s normal for a man’s libido to decrease over time. But it wasn’t so long ago I was having sex almost daily and it still didn’t feel like enough. The difference is pretty stark, to the point I regularly turn down sexual overtures in the dating world, even when it’s been a week or two. In fact, it’s been a source of discontent in the relationships I’ve tried to develop. I’m not used to being the one to turn down sex.

I don’t feel like attraction is the issue, and I masturbate about as frequently as I ever did. I have to think there is some sort of mental block that is getting in the way of my enjoyment of sex. Maybe my sexual triggers aren’t being triggered enough. Or maybe my needs are evolving and my body is taking the cue. I honestly have no idea, but I miss the old, sexual me.

What do you think is going on? —More Bothered Than Hot

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Dear Bothered,

Thanks for your question. Almost nothing is more personal than our sexuality and associated feelings and desires, so I appreciate your candidness.

Additionally, few aspects of our human being-ness are more complex than sexuality, so without more background I can only give a hunch as to what I think might be happening. I’ll try to be as honest as you were.

The short answer to the question “what is going on?” is: quite possibly a lot of things.

I hear what sounds like anxiety in your concern, maybe even an undertow of loss in missing “the old, sexual me.” Could it be you also miss the old sexual relationship? Your feelings of loss seem to sync up with the loss of your ex, which implies this relationship was of profound emotional importance in addition to being “scorching hot.” In fact, the scorching-hot experience is also powerfully emotional: passionate, spontaneous, wild, and playful. Sexuality is such an overwhelming experience because it involves all of us: body, mind, spirit, emotion, intimacy or closeness with another (relationality), and so on; hence its magnetic psychological force.

As to your specific issue, first I would seek a medical checkup, just to rule out any possible physiological causation.

Ruling out medical challenges, I would reflect upon just what it is you lost, in terms of emotional relatedness, when you lost this partner. I would assume, for instance, that they made it “safe” to be yourself, to let intimate aspects of yourself roam free. What made it so, as best you can guess?

As I read your question a second time, an idea occurs to me. You talk about sex as though it is a free-floating activity, almost as if having a partner is incidental to your sensual pleasure. But the more I study psychology, the more it seems to me that our existence is relational, very much bound with important others. Sigmund Freud himself often hypothesized that masturbation was a way to relieve the sexual attraction to a forbidden or incestuous other—a kind of furtive substitute for sexual longing. (Though it would take Carl Jung to expand the meaning of “connection” or fusion beyond the literal.)

I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that your loss in sex coincides with losing your ex. I’m curious what it is about this other person that created such powerful chemistry between you—and what led to the end of the relationship.

Ruling out medical challenges, I would reflect upon just what it is you lost, in terms of emotional relatedness, when you lost this partner. I would assume, for instance, that she or he made it “safe” to be yourself, to let intimate aspects of yourself roam free. What made it so, as best you can guess?

It is not unheard of that a couple will have a fiery relationship in the bedroom, but struggle to relate, empathize, or communicate. I’m thinking particularly of romantic experimentation where needs or desires are “sexualized” and satiated physically—nothing wrong with that—while unspoken emotional or psychological differences have yet to be addressed or worked through.

I often work with people who can express a strong, historically unmet need to be seen, valued, and respected only via sex or sexual role play, but not in more mundane daily interaction. In other words, the vulnerability is only physical or literal. Eventually, the relationship deteriorates if the emotional/psychological differences are not addressed. The work of the therapy is, often, in helping a person identify and articulate their needs, often difficult given highly critical or absent parents, though sticking with it often leads to more freedom and options in all of a person’s relational arenas.

Another way of putting it: sexual satisfaction can temporarily soothe an emotional anxiety or injury unexplored in the relationship, or a sense of frustration or estrangement, leading to only a fleeting sense of connection—which still does not address the relational friction.

The more I write and think about this, I’m tempted to say what’s happening here may best be described as growing pains. I believe it was the novelist Graham Greene who said that, as we age, companionship becomes more valuable than sex. This often begins to happen slowly as we creep into middle age.

In that regard, you sound right on schedule, though I know it can be unsettling, and even trigger feelings of grief and loss, if solitary sexual activity has been of consolation to you. Your current dilemma, then, could be facing a newfound vulnerability after losing a person who co-created a highly exciting chemistry. It is often the case we desire to share our existence with another more strongly than is consciously believed, whether it be primarily sexual or platonic or somewhere in between. This is often an uncomfortable or even painful adjustment—but not indicative of anything wrong with you. In fact, quite the contrary.

For men especially (though this certainly can apply to women, too), sexuality can come to represent, symbolize, or have personal meaning in many ways: as a means of finding freedom, fulfillment, and validation or a sense of being strongly valued and desired. The magical feeling of sex or romance can arise when we sense that our very being is desired by another, that this deep, profound desire is in sync with another’s desire for us.

This connection can feel transformative. It can loosen the grip of existential alienation or isolation so many of us struggle with, in an era of mostly technological connection. Some of the people I work with in therapy report feeling most “horny” or sexually hungry during or just after a period of grief.

Is it possible the situation is also difficult because your main means of consolation (sexuality, masturbation) is elusive, or less effective, in the aftermath of the breakup? That can be an unsettling realization, indeed, though by no means hopeless.

As we get older, we hopefully discover there is more to partnership than just the physical mechanics or hydraulics of sex. It sounds like you could really be yourself with this person, that you could both reciprocate and find exciting similarity of passion in the bedroom; what, I wonder, prevented this from happening outside the bedroom as well?

In other words, it sounds like you made a profound emotional/relational connection, which you deeply miss. One plus one equals three, meaning two people in deep connection create a third element: the relationship itself, in all of its maddening glory. You found unique chemistry with this person. How could it be the same on your own?

You could, if the relationship is irreparably over, ask yourself what qualities of this person you found so attractive, what it is that made them so special, especially in bed? What didn’t happen in the overall relationship that prevented it from continuing; can you look without heavy self-criticism at your participation here, your 50%, and see if anything can change to attract or keep the next person you’ll hopefully meet?

Perhaps the answer to the latter is emotional closeness, companionship, or friendship—and some deeper self-understanding, maybe even via counseling or therapy.

I can understand your painful sense of loss, bewilderment, anxiety, and even frustration at the dilemma you describe so honestly. At the same time, there is a chance to “make lemonade” by finding or seeking the succor of deeper human connection and self-awareness, with a new partner and/or others who can relate or identify with what you’re going through. It sounds like a kind of (pardon the cliché) midlife crisis, and this is not uncommon in the slightest.

I hope this gives you some food for thought, and I thank you again for your candor.

Best,

Darren Haber, PhD, MFT

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