by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD, in San Francisco, CA

The Shame Around Masturbation

Many of us are indoctrinated with shame. It seems to be a readily used societal mechanism to control and dominate when someone or something is perceived to be out of control. A place where that shows up a great deal is with sex, including solo sex, or masturbation. Shame is the instilled belief there’s something bad or wrong with you — fundamentally. It’s not the feeling that you made a mistake, but rather the feeling you are a mistake.

The Status Quo

Mixed Messages About Sex

When it comes to sex, and particularly solo sex, we’re often bombarded with a multitude of messages that can leave us feeling confused. Messages may include: “There’s something wrong with you if you don’t masturbate, something wrong with you if you do. And if you do masturbate, there’s something wrong with your frequency, no matter what it is.” It can feel overwhelming and almost as though you can’t win.

You’ve likely heard the jokes and myths around masturbation: “If you masturbate too much, you’ll go blind!” or “Masturbation can lead to hairy palms/insanity/erectile dysfunction/etc.” (Note: Those are all false.)

There’s also the more overtly religious “God is always watching you” or something similar. This last one boils down to a judgment. And judgment is at the root of shame.

Religions often have numerous messages surrounding sex and pleasure, and sometimes those messages turn into how countries regulate not only sex work, but also sex toys used in masturbation such as vibrators and dildos. About 45% of the world’s countries prohibit the import of sex toys because they fall under the umbrella of pornography.

Self-Ignorance Around Pleasure and the Body

Pleasure is not normalized and learning how to touch our own bodies is not something most people have even considered consciously, particularly if there has been conditioning that masturbation is dirty or sinful. All of this keeps people from knowing themselves, of getting to know their own bodies (if they’re masturbating alone) or someone else’s body (if they’re engaging in mutual masturbation). Fundamentally, shame keeps us from honoring ourselves. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and the world is to honor and love yourself more deeply than you may already.

If you notice a lot of shame showing up for you, I encourage you to look at it, gently shine a light onto it. No need to push yourself too much as you enter into this important self-inquiry. Are these messages worth perpetuating, or are they outdated and inherited from someone else?

The Importance of Releasing Shame

My hope in all of my work is to help people to be more fully themselves and releasing shame can help them do that. Also, the thing about shame around masturbation is it has the consequence of you not only feeling bad about yourself, but also being less likely to openly communicate with your partner or partners. If you don’t know what you like, what feels good to you, how can you express what you want or communicate your boundaries to someone else? Furthermore, you may end up having boring or painful sex, which you don’t ever have to settle for. Mediocrity and sex do not go together and neither do shame and sex, whether it’s solo sex (masturbating) or partnered sex.

Getting to Know Your Body

If you take the time and care to attune and learn how your body likes to be touched and pleased, it can be a great contribution to your life in general. If you’re struggling to wrap your head around that, or perhaps you feel shame around being shamed, that’s okay. Even if you can’t take the message in right now, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation; there’s nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself. You can’t masturbate too much unless you’re finding it’s problematically interfering with your life  (e.g., your work or relationships are suffering, it’s consuming a lot of your time, etc.).

Human beings are designed to seek pleasure – it’s inherent in our brains and bodies. Masturbation is just one way we experience pleasure.

Trying Out a New Approach

If you’re interested in masturbation, I have an exercise for you. Take yourself on a date. Mentally note you are placing boundaries around this time just for you. Create a sensual space: light some candles, plan out a menu for a special meal, put some pleasing music on. Have the mindset of slowing down and really smelling the candle (and/or add some incense if your body desires that). Also, smell the delicious smells of your meal and taste each bite as it hits your tongue.

After dinner, see if you are in the mood for sensual or sexual touch. Really take your time to see how you like to be touched. Be with yourself without rushing to the goal of an orgasm. Instead, take things slow and sensually, focusing on pleasure itself. How does each touch feel in your body? What do you notice with each touch? What happens as you vary pressure or intensity? Perhaps an orgasm will emerge naturally.

This is a time for self-exploration and self-love. There is no right or wrong way here — instead you’re learning what feels good to you and no one else. Masturbation is a natural, normal behavior to engage in, or not engage in. You’re the one that gets to decide that – no one else.

If you need support around this topic, by all means, reach out to me or another therapist.

by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD in San Francisco, CA

Finish-Line Sex or Meandering-Journey Sex?

When it comes to sex, most of us haven’t had anything close to an adequate education. If anything, we were taught directly or indirectly to focus on a goal, namely, orgasm, and more pointedly, the male orgasm or ejaculation. This “sex education” is not really an education because it’s an old, patriarchal paradigm that was created in a traditional, fear-based fashion. It focuses on sexually transmitted infections – what they are, how to avoid them, and so forth — and less on the pleasure of the sexual act itself.

Understanding Goal-Oriented Sex by the Numbers

There are many ways to conceptually understand sex, why we have it, why we want it, and what it’s all about. One way is goal-oriented sex. Goal-oriented sex centers on male ejaculation with that being of primary importance. Of secondary importance is either avoiding or inducing procreation. This is backed up scientifically. For instance, a  2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at more than 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — and found 95% of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared with just 65% of heterosexual women. And many of these men are unaware entirely if their female partner orgasmed.

It’s clear goal-oriented sex prioritizes the man’s orgasm and not the woman’s in a hetero-focused or designed relationship, because otherwise, those numbers would be more equal. Certified intimacy educator Shan Boodram said in The Zoe Report, “Because the male orgasm is crucial to procreate, our society has built this idea that the male orgasm is crucial for sex; that sex begins with a hard penis and ends with a flaccid penis. Because women don’t have to orgasm to create life, it took a different level of societal importance.” Again, the numbers back that up — fewer heterosexual women are having orgasms during sex than heterosexual men.

Communication about Sex Goals, Desires, and Experiences

There hasn’t been a lot of space in this so-called “sex ed” to include teaching how to communicate around sex. This includes having the skills to be able to voice that you haven’t had an orgasm and that you want one, or that you genuinely don’t. The skills of being curious and asking about a partner’s pleasure are also not taught. Traditionally, female pleasure has taken a backseat to that of males, although that may be changing, especially with the sex-positive movement.

A Pleasure-Oriented Approach

Yes, some limited types of sex can lead to procreation, but the majority of sex has nothing to do with procreation and is instead about desire as well as pleasure. This is where the hetero world can learn a great deal from the gays!

Boodram goes on to say, “In fact, the orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual relationships. When you are with a same-sex partner, there is nothing to prove — it’s just about what feels good, and that is when naturally more orgasms and more pleasure occurs.” Without having rigid, “finish-line-driven” sex goals that govern your sexual experiences, you’re able to be more exploratory.

What Boodram is referencing here is pleasure-oriented sex. It’s sex-positive in nature and takes the focus off of sex being mostly about procreation. It also takes the focus away from an end result and instead draws attention to the present moment, to cultivating pleasure with or without an orgasm. Sure, orgasms are great, but how can you create more pleasure overall, not just at the very end?

Sex Is Not a Performance

Shifting to pleasure-oriented sex can also provide some symptom relief for people who have experienced hypoarousal, decreased desire, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and anxiety. Typically, a traditional way of considering sexual anxiety is to frame it as “performance anxiety.” However, sex need not ever be a performance. Turning sex into a performance takes a person out of the moment and their body. It intellectualizes the process instead of making it an embodied experience. The analyzer self takes over and there is a dissociation from the pleasurable experience.

Many therapists, including sex therapists like Dr. Renye, offer knowledgeable support for individuals and couples with sexual concerns of all kinds. Use our advanced search to find a therapist who specializes in Sex and Sexuality. 

Embodiment Helps You Stay Present

As I’ve written about before, embodiment allows you to be in touch with the body signals that you get on a regular basis. If you can sense them, you can use them to your advantage. You know what you like and don’t like more and more as you progress in your journey of embodiment. When you are navigating a sexual or sensual situation with someone, you are in a better position to know and communicate things such as “Let’s try this out” or “I’d like it if you touched me slower/faster/lighter/harder,” or “Stop what you are doing; I’m not into it. I’d like this or that instead.”

Oftentimes, less-experienced lovers naively think that explicitly voicing what they want kills the moment. Quite the opposite can be true. By following your knowing, you have the confidence to stay with yourself (not abandon yourself) during sex. This increases genuine confidence and increases the possibility of pleasure for all involved. In short, you’ll enjoy sex more.

Change Your Approach — and Your Sex Goals

Not only will transitioning from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented sex bring more pleasure to sex, but it can also be a way to practice empathy by focusing on pleasure for your partner(s). If your sex goals are about connection, You’re checking in with them verbally to receive consent and affirmation that they are indeed having a pleasurable experience. You’re attuning to someone else, which can make you a better lover overall. And who doesn’t want to be a better lover?

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References

Frederick, David; et al. “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior. Feb. 17, 2017. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

Powell, Vanessa. “This Common Mistake Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life.” The Zoe Report. February 29, 2020. https://www.thezoereport.com/p/goal-oriented-sex-could-be-ruining-your-intimate-life-22579581

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

Last week I shared with you my perspective as a sexologist on the five circles of sexuality; this week, I want to share sensate focus with you as an exercise to facilitate sensual exploration and discovery with a partner. 

Sensate focus was developed by Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s. It is about giving and receiving touch. I give this partner exercise to couples to help them improve their communication and learn more about what each person likes. Sensate focus is a sensual exercise, not a sexual one, meaning no matter how turned on you or your partner becomes, avoid touching the genitals or breasts, and refrain from oral sex, intercourse, or other sexual activity until you get to that step, which takes time.

Below I’ve summarized the steps of the sensate focus exercise, but for more in-depth instructions, visit the Cornell Health website.

Try this exercise when you and your partner have about 30 to 40 minutes to spare, are relaxed, rested, and feeling care for each other. Nudity is ideal as this is a skin-to-skin practice, but it can also be practiced in loose-fitting clothing. Ideally, both partners are nude, showered, and free of jewelry and watches. As you engage, fully present, with one another, you’ll build intimacy with your partner on multiple levels. 

Starting Out

Step 1: Touching. 

One partner is the toucher and one is the receiver. For the receiving partner, focus on the sensation of being touched, notice the sensations. How do you feel? What do you notice about the differences in the way different types of touches or parts of your body feel as your partner touches you. Also, be sure to vocalize if something feels uncomfortable physically or psychologically. Remember: this is about both the sensual experience and about communication. 

For the toucher, notice the different surface textures of your partner’s skin. How do their hands feel versus their stomach? Which part of the body feels silky or supple? How glorious and exciting it is to be able to touch your partner in this way!

Practice this for 15 minutes since it can take some time to get in the groove, to feel comfortable with touching your partner. Vary the firmness and tempo – try a long-drawn-out touch as well as a quicker touch. How does changing the tempo alter the sensation? What difference do you notice using two hands versus one? Or touching with your whole hand rather than just your fingertips? 

Lastly, remember that at any point either partner can ask to stop! This is also true if the receiver starts to doze off. The point is not to receive a massage that leads to dreamland but rather for the toucher and receiver to notice sensations without any “shoulds” or distractions.

Step 2: Reverse roles. 

Now the toucher becomes the receiver. Segue into step two without any breaks if possible and don’t compare touching styles! You are two different people with different feelings, instincts, and perceptions. 

Some couples repeat steps one and two for a series of days. There’s no pressure to move on to step three, nor is there a test to “pass” before trying step three. It’s up to you and your partner. When you are working with a sexologist or sex therapist, heed their guidance and instruction and follow the plan you co-created together in session, but also rely on the relationship for furthering this exercise.

Level Up

Step 3: Include genital and/or breast touching. 

In this step, touching the genitals and/or breasts is included, but kissing and intercourse are not. As with step one, one person is the toucher and one is the receiver. And again, each partner should be rested, nude, and free of jewelry/watches. 

Have the receiver start out lying face-down on the bed. Touching the genitals and/or breasts is included in this step, but those body parts should not be the sole focus of the sensate focus exercise. At this stage, consider them as just another part of the body. Again, the point of sensate focus is not to specifically turn each other on or force something to happen, but rather to pay attention to the sensations associated with touching your partner’s body. To maintain this objective, try briefly touching in or around the genital area before moving to another part of the body. 

After falling into a nice rhythm where the toucher is registering the sensations in their fingertips, shift positions. The toucher will sit against a wall, perhaps with a few pillows behind their back and legs outstretched into a “V” shape. Have the receiver move to sit between the toucher’s legs with their back against the toucher’s chest. The toucher now has access to touch much of the receiver’s body if they reach down or around the receiver. 

The toucher continues to explore the receiver’s body but now nonverbal, touch communication is added: The receiver puts a hand on top of the toucher’s as they keep exploring. This “hand-riding” technique provides a simple yet effective way to transmit additional information to the toucher. For instance, the receiver can demonstrate where they’d like a firmer touch or a slower one. 

The toucher doesn’t have to comply with every nudge, but this practice allows them to combine personal feelings and needs with messages from the receiver. Also, for the toucher, note that a signal to your hand isn’t a criticism but is instead a request to try something else. There are many opportunities to see your own shadow material come into the light during this exercise. These are great instances to process in your next therapy session. Receiver, give your partner signals while they touch your genital area so they don’t guess what you prefer.

Some notes: If the receiver orgasms, that’s OK, but don’t try to make an orgasm happen. Remember, this is not a goal-oriented exercise. Also, at any time either participant can request switching roles. However, make sure each partner experiences both roles before ending the sensate focus exercise. 

Later Steps of Sensate Focus

Steps four and five involve the use of lotion as well as mutual touching. Step six is sensual, not sexual intercourse. The same principles of sensate focus apply but now your genital areas can touch too. At this step, if sexual intercourse is desired, start with only partial penetration. Go slowly and take your time to feel the sensations associated with contact.

I’ve only summarized sensate focus and skimmed over the last three steps because I think it’s important to have a solid sensual foundation. We spend so much time talking about how to have better sex that we often forget about the other sexuality circles. Bringing in more sensuality will ultimately lead to better sex; it’s not something to skip over.  

References

Green, Eli R. “The 5 Circles of Sexuality: Overview and Implications for Transgender People.” FORGE. Accessed September 17, 2020. 

“Sensate Focus.” Cornell Health. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf. Accessed September 21, 2020.

“The Circles of Sexuality.” Minnesota Department of Public Health. Accessed September 17, 2020.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

Therapists, did you know we have CE courses available for homestudy about sex and sexuality? Click here to see some of the options; visit your member’s area to search the full archives. Not a member yet? Check out our membership options that include CEs here.

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

A Sexologist’s Perspective on Sexuality 

When it comes to sexuality, most people think of, well, sex. This word is both loaded and very limited. However, there are so many other aspects of sexuality that don’t get nearly enough air time.

I’m a certified sexologist with the American College of Sexologists International and a licensed psychologist with a master’s degree in human sexuality. I’ve dedicated years to thinking about, researching, writing, and teaching this topic. I care about this deeply because, even today, there’s a lack of awareness and communication regarding sexual topics in the general public. I know there can be a lot of pressure around sexual activity, but to remove it from its broader context of sexuality does us no favors. 

Sex Is Complex

Having worked in domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers as a counselor and court advocate, I know sex can be used as a weapon of violence. But I also know through educating individuals and couples on the techniques of erotic massage, eye gazing, and non-violent communication, that sexuality can be an expression of connection and deep love and admiration. Sex can be experienced and used in a myriad of ways across the continuum of pain and pleasure.

A Model for Understanding Human Sexuality

But sex is more than the physical act. When talking about sex, I like to widen the lens and talk about sexuality, which is as deep as it is multifaceted. A holistic model I teach often to couples, individuals, and students is the five circles of sexuality developed by Dr. Dennis Dailey in 1981, which is still relevant. Note: In his original model he listed “biological gender” in the sexual identity circle. We now have a more nuanced and better understanding that gender is a social construct and sex is biological anatomy. Dailey’s work expanded the definition and understanding of sex at the time. No one benefits from a narrow definition – in fact, many are harmed by it – but we can bring our better understanding to his contributions and still see the insight of his work.

In this model, values lie at the center of sexuality, but surrounding it are circles: power and sexualization, sensuality, intimacy, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. All of these aspects of sexuality are important parts of the whole for each individual. 

• Power and sexualization refer to how you use your potency and sexualness. This circle involves not only interactions with other people but also messaging from media and advertising. Positive power exchanges include flirting and giving/receiving pleasure. It’s important to note these exchanges occur between consenting partners. Consent is imperative and sexy. Negative power exchanges are when one person does not (or cannot) gain consent, yet engages in a sexual act. Negative power exchanges are withholding sex as a manipulation tool, sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, incest, and any other abusive sexual behavior including harassing and trolling online, as well as stalking.

• Sensuality is the awareness, acceptance, and enjoyment of your own body and/or the bodies of others. Included in sensuality are fantasy, body image (how you feel about your body, which influences how and when you allow yourself to experience touch, sexual and otherwise), and skin hunger (the need for physical touch). Everyone has a different level of skin hunger, which is more than fine! Not all bodies crave the same type, duration, and frequency of touch. Sensuality allows for pleasure and includes smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound.

• Intimacy is the degree of emotional closeness between people – not only romantic partners but also friends and family. To establish intimacy with someone, you need to take risks, be vulnerable, communicate well, and establish trust. To do so involves acts of caring/sharing, as well as liking/loving.

• Sexual identity refers to who you are and how you label yourself as a sexual being. It includes how you see yourself as a gendered being (or not), gender role cultural expectations, who you’re attracted to, and the types of sexual practices that excite you/bring pleasure.

• Sexual health and reproduction denote the physical fact of your body and how it functions sexually. This circle includes the components of reproduction, the physical changes that happen from birth to death, and the challenges people may face such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

How These Circles Interact

As you can see, sexuality is multi-faceted. Furthermore, these circles of sexuality influence one another. For instance, if you have a history of negative power exchanges, that may make it harder for you to build intimacy with others. Or if you are a transgender person, you may be less inclined to seek out sexual-related healthcare because you don’t feel safe disclosing that information to certain healthcare providers.

When someone comes to me with a sexual concern, there are usually several factors at play that require attention and care. I spent 2+ years earning a master’s degree in human sexuality (with various practical application internships) on this topic because sexuality is so complex and cannot be distilled down to a sound bite or a 3-step method to sexual healing. That said, certain exercises come up frequently in my practice; sensate focus is one of them, and I’ll be back to share more about that next week.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

To find a sex therapist in your area, begin your search here.

In my experience, mismatched levels of sexual desire, or libido, tops the reasons couples enter sex therapy. It’s the reason Marcie and Joe (not their real names) come to therapy weekly. Married over 20 years, Marcie states, “I don’t think about sex ever.”

Yet, when they engage sexually, Marcie says, “I enjoy it. I even orgasm every time. I just never think of it. I’ve never felt sexual desire.” As a result, Marcie feels flawed, as if something is wrong with her. Joe feels unwanted because he initiates sex most of the time.

So, which partner bears “the problem”? The answer is neither.

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The “universe of desire,” as it turns out, is vast. According to author and researcher Emily Nagoski, desire shows up differently for men and women and can vary within gender. In her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Nagoski notes three types of desire.

1. Spontaneous Sexual Desire

Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly what it sounds like. It shows up instantly, with or without stimulation. Nagoski notes 75% of men experience spontaneous desire, as well as 15% of women. When it comes to Marcie and Joe, Joe falls into the “75% of men” category.

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This means 25% of men and the vast majority of women, 85%, do not experience spontaneous desire.

Spontaneous sexual desire as a prerequisite for sex supports a linear view of sexuality dating back to the late 1970s. In fact, researchers did not include desire on the spectrum of human sexuality until Helen Kaplan Singer created the Triphasic Model of the human sexual response cycle. Singer included three distinct phases: desire, excitement, and orgasm, with desire as the entry point.

So how do 85% of women experience sexual pleasure or “excitement” if they do not experience spontaneous desire? Nagoski noted two other types of desire that women more often fall into: responsive and contextual.

2. Responsive Sexual Desire

Responsive sexual desire is when desire shows up in response to stimulation, meaning something sexy happens and the body responds. Marcie falls more into this category. When Joe initiates, her mind and body enjoy the stimulation, and desire—or “wanting more of that feeling”—activates.

Nagoski found 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire, meaning these folks, like Marcie, need more than a sexy thought to “want” sex.

Yet there remains a large percentage of women and a smaller percentage of men who do not fall into the responsive desire category, either.

3. Contextual Sexual Desire

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Nagoski notes most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous. They simply may not be aware of the other factors at play. For many individuals, context matters.

Marcie felt confused when she learned about the “universe of desire” because she always considered herself a non-sexual person. In therapy, our work focused on normalizing how she experienced desire—not as a flaw, an inadequacy, or something wrong with her, but as perfectly normal.

This work helped her shift her sexual self-concept so she could see herself as a woman capable of desire, lust, and erotic energy. It also helped her recognize she did indeed experience desire, just not in the same way Joe did.

Our work also helped Joe better understand how Marcie’s desire worked. He learned to view both responses as healthy and normal. This helped Joe depersonalize Marcie’s lack of sexual advancements and see himself as desirable.

Together, they embraced their differences and worked on improving how to meet each other’s natural sexual responses.

If mismatched desire is an issue in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist who works with couples.

Reference:

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.