GoodTherapy | What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different?

by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

 

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

 

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

Close up of laptop and magazine on a blue quilt.Technology has many benefits, but unfortunately it has its downsides as well. Advances in technology, such as the internet, help people communicate and share information more easily. But the widespread use of technology also makes it easier to spread information (or misinformation) in negative, harmful ways.

One significant problem associated with recent technological advances is the rise of nonconsensual pornography. This phenomenon refers to pornographic images or video shared without the consent of the person or people involved, and it is drawing increasing concern.

What Is Nonconsensual Pornography?

Nonconsensual pornography is an umbrella term used to describe any explicit sexual images or video clips distributed without the knowledge or consent of the people in them.

There are several different types, including:

Revenge porn

Sexting is pretty common and perfectly acceptable when it occurs between consenting adults. But what happens when an ex (or current partner) shares photos and messages you sent them without your permission? Those photos become revenge porn.

Many people use the term “revenge porn” interchangeably with nonconsensual pornography, but “revenge porn” is slightly more specific. The key distinction between the two lies in the intent behind the act. Generally speaking, people who distribute revenge porn do so with a goal of humiliating or otherwise causing emotional pain. Other possible motivations might include financial gain, whether this occurs through blackmail or sale of the images.

Revenge porn can refer to:

When someone shows those images or videos to others without your permission, they are committing a crime.

Upskirting

Upskirting (and its counterpart, downblousing) is a type of voyeurism that involves photos or videos of someone’s undergarments. These images are usually taken in public places. The person being photographed may not realize what’s happening or who has taken the photo.

Deepfakes

A deepfake (portmanteau of deep learning + fake) refers to any altered media created with artificial intelligence (AI). First, the AI studies photographs and videos of a person from multiple angles as it learns to mimic their appearance. Once the AI is able to create a convincing replica, the programmer can animate that replica like a puppet to say things or engage in behaviors that the real person never did.

When it comes to pornography, deepfakes generally consist of sexually explicit videos manipulated to show someone who was not originally present at filming. For example, deepfake pornography may overlay a random person’s face onto video of a porn star, making the target appear to participate in sex acts that the real individual never engaged in.

It might seem as if these manipulations would be easy to detect, but technology has advanced to the point where it’s no longer so easy to tell the difference between real and deepfake media content. This technology has also become easier to access, so anyone who knows what they’re doing can create a deepfake with nothing more than a computer and internet access.

Motivations of Offenders

Why would anyone want to share nonconsensual pornography when the consensual variety is widely available across the internet—and often free to access? That’s a question that isn’t always easy to answer.

Not everyone realizes how much harm they cause by sharing pornography or creating deepfakes when the person in the image hasn’t given consent. Some distributors may not intend to directly hurt anyone.

This doesn’t excuse the behavior, of course, since most adults understand private images are meant to stay private. This does mean, however, there’s a need for increased awareness around exactly what nonconsensual pornography is as well as the harm it can cause. For example, someone might operate under the assumption that when a person takes and shares an intimate image, they don’t care who else sees the image. But sharing an image with one person doesn’t automatically translate to consent for anyone to view the image.

People can have various motives for choosing to share nonconsensual pornography, including:

In the end, whatever someone’s motives, nonconsensual pornography is a crime that is likely to bring emotional harm to those affected.

Consequences of Nonconsensual Pornography

Nonconsensual pornography can have a heavy, long-term emotional impact on the people involved. According to 2018 research, women are more likely to experience victimization, while men are more likely to distribute nonconsensual pornography. However, men can be victimized as well.

Part of the emotional impact stems from victim blaming. For example, individuals who report revenge porn may be told, “You should have known the risks when you sent those photos.” But adults who choose to share intimate photos with consenting partners have done nothing wrong. The blame rests with the people who share the images without permission.

It’s essential to consider the underlying meaning of the terminology used. The term “revenge porn” in itself perpetuates blame—it suggests the person in the images did something to deserve “revenge” through victimization. Even if an individual “broke” their partner’s heart, they do not deserve to be targeted by revenge porn.

Another unfortunate but common outcome of nonconsensual pornography happens when the people victimized become bullied by others. This may be more likely among younger people, such as those still in high school. Bullying can contribute to depression, anxiety, and other emotional distress.

Even people who don’t experience bullying may still face mental health issues. Feelings of violation and betrayal are also common, and many people experience posttraumatic stress. Research suggests many tend to cope with distress by drinking or self-medicating, both of which can affect physical and emotional health.

Some victims may also face job loss or disciplinary action from their school if they can’t prove they didn’t consent to have their photograph taken and shared. This can compound the pain of the event by putting even more blame on the victim than the accuser.

Recovery for Victims and Survivors

Survivors can pursue legal action if they choose. Options typically include:

These actions can help prevent further sharing of the images. However, many people feel reluctant to pursue legal assistance after realizing someone has shared their explicit images. This reluctance occurs for any number of reasons. Some may not want to draw more attention to the images. Others may face threats of blackmail and the possibility of victim blaming or job loss, which can cause further emotional turmoil.

It also must be acknowledged that seeking legal support doesn’t always lead to positive outcomes. In many places, nonconsensual pornography is only treated as a misdemeanor, so many offenders may not face many consequences for their actions.

Certain states only prohibit certain types of nonconsensual pornography. For example, some states have laws that prohibit filming or photography in private places such as restrooms or fitting rooms. However, these states lack restrictions around upskirt photos taken in parks or on public transportation. As awareness around nonconsensual pornography and its potential impact increases, these laws may change to expand opportunities to seek support.

Support from a therapist can be beneficial after any type of victimization, physical or emotional. Therapists can provide guidance and support for working through depression, posttraumatic stress, and other lingering distress. Begin your search for a compassionate therapist today at GoodTherapy.

References:

  1. Carey, M. E. (2018, April 21). Nonconsensual pornography: Prevention is key. University of Colorado Law Review. Retrieved from https://lawreview.colorado.edu/nonconsensual-pornography-prevention-is-key/#note-1
  2. Kearl, H. (2016, July 25). Yes, it’s legal to take pictures up a woman’s skirt without her consent. Time. Retrieved from https://time.com/4422772/upskirt-photos-harassment/
  3. Know your rights: Nonconsensual pornography (“revenge porn”). (2018). LegalVoice. Retrieved from https://www.legalvoice.org/nonconsensual-pornography
  4. Ruvalcaba, Y., & Eaton, A. A. (2018, December 14). Nonconsensual pornography among U.S. adults: A sexual scripts framework on victimization, perpetration, and health correlates for women and men. Psychology of Violence, 10(1). Retrieved from https://www.cybercivilrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Psychology-of-Violence.pdf
  5. Scott, A. (2017, February 21). What is nonconsensual pornography? Retrieved from https://www.ncjfcj.org/TDVAM-Scott
  6. Shao, G. (2019, October 13). What ‘deepfakes’ are and how they may be dangerous. CNBC. Retreived from https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/14/what-is-deepfake-and-how-it-might-be-dangerous.html
  7. Su, R., Porter, T., & Mark, M. (2019, October 30). Here’s a map showing which US states have passed laws against revenge porn — and those where it’s still legal. Business Insider. Retrieved from https://www.businessinsider.com/map-states-where-revenge-porn-banned-2019-10
  8. Uhl, C. A., Rhyner, K. J., Terrance, C. A., & Lugo, N. R. (2018). An examination of nonconsensual pornography websites. Feminism & Psychology, 28(1). Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0959353517720225

Boy in white shirt looks out of a window.This topic likely comes as a surprise to many. Just the idea of abuse of this nature, between a mother and her son, is shocking to most. The idea of mother-son incest is so far out of the realm of what we as a culture understand about mothers and women that even its victims rarely seek help.

As a society, our views of mothers as nurturers who would never willingly hurt their children may be so ingrained in our psyche that even trained psychologists can be uncomfortable entertaining the idea that sexual abuse can happen between a mother and her son (Osborne, 2015).

Why the Silence?

Incest (sexual relationships between family members) is taboo and can bring a strong sense of guilt and shame to its victims (Kluft, 2011). While the idea that fathers sexually abuse their children is disturbing, it is accepted as something that can (and does) happen. It is well documented and studied.

Although the idea that some fathers can be sexual predators towards their own family is accepted, the parallel idea, that mothers can be sexual predators towards their own children, has not been widely accepted. We live in a culture that tends to idolize motherhood. Mothers sacrifice so much to give us everything we need. In our society, speaking against a mother is almost sacrilegious. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.

Reporting incest and seeking professional help may be both shameful and difficult in any situation, but it can be even more difficult in the case of a mother. Often, the reaction will be complete rejection or disbelief. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.

Males and Sexual Abuse: The Myths

Researcher Lucetta Thomas has identified persistent and damaging myths in regard to male sexual victimization. These myths not only exist in the minds of boys and men who themselves are victims—they are also prevalent in the attitudes and perception of social workers, law enforcement, and even psychologists or counselors (Friedersdorf, 2016). Myths around males and sexual abuse include the following:

Prevalence and Long-Term Outcomes of Mother-Son Abuse

Due to the refusal of boys and men to seek help or press charges against mothers who abuse them, it is nearly impossible to determine the prevalence of sexual abuse committed by mothers. However, a few studies offer surprising results and indicate the problem is more widespread than most people would assume.

For example, one study that conducted in-depth interviews of seven men and seven women who reported sexual abuse by a female perpetrator, most of whom experienced severe sexual abuse by their mothers, found a range of long-term damaging effects. Victims reported and/or experienced depression, difficulties with substance abuse, self-injury, increased suicide rate, rage, strained relationships with women, identity issues, and discomfort with sex (Denov, 2004).

Another study conducted in 2002 found that 17 of 67 men who endured sexual abuse during childhood reported mother-son incest. The study found in comparison to the other men in the study, the men who were abused by their mothers experienced more symptoms of trauma. Further, about half of the men abused by their mothers had mixed feelings regarding the abuse, and those with mixed feelings had more adjustment problems compared to men who had purely negative feelings toward the abuse (Kelly, Wood, Gonzalez, MacDonald, & Waterman, 2002).

Lucetta Thomas reported that after her story of mother-son sexual abuse aired on ABC 80, males accessed the online survey over the next two days to report maternal abuse and requested to be interviewed. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims.

When we examine outcomes of victims of any type of incest, we find this type of abuse is related to issues around relational trauma and betrayal trauma. Abuse by a trusted family member leads to a significant loss of trust and changes in beliefs around the self and safety in relationships (Kluft, 2011). Understandably, when the perpetrator is a mother, the trauma is likely to carry a particularly high level of damage, especially in light of the cultural perceptions of mothers as nurturers. Furthermore, the implications of reporting abuse of this nature can be catastrophic for the victim, the mother, and the entire family. In many cases, this leaves the victim feeling as if he has no choice but to deal with the trauma in silence.

What Professionals Need to Know

Professionals, particularly those working with sexual abuse cases, need to examine their own perceptions around women as potential abusers. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims. In general, many people have been under the impression that a woman cannot really harm another person sexually. This is not the case. As new research surfaces, we are finding that sexual abuse from mother to son can bring lasting trauma and long-term mental health effects (Denov, 2004).

Further, men and boys are much less likely to report sexual abuse (Holmes, Offen, & Waller, 1997). Researchers have put forth the possibility that attitudes and beliefs among mental health professionals in myths regarding the male as an unlikely victim do not create conditions that encourage men or boys to talk about sexual abuse. Professionals need to be aware of the reality of mother-son sexual abuse as well as the existence of the myths surrounding the male as unlikely to be vulnerable to sexual abuse and especially unlikely to be the victim of abuse by his own mother.

If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse or assault, reach out to a therapist. There is no need to suffer in silence when help is available. If you are a victim of mother-son incest, clearly articulate your experiences to your therapist. The shame is not yours.

References:

  1. Denov, M. S. (2004, October 1). The long-term effects of child sexual abuse by female perpetrators: A qualitative study of male and female victims. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19(10), 1,137-1,156. doi: 10.1177/0886260504269093
  2. Friedersdorf, C. (2016, November 28). The understudied female sexual predator. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/the-understudied-female-sexual-predator/503492
  3. Holmes, G. R., Offen, L., & Waller, G. (1997). See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: Why do relatively few male victims of childhood sexual abuse receive help for abuse-related issues in adulthood?. Clinical Psychology Review, 17(1), 69-88. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9125368
  4. Kelly, R. J., Wood, J. J., Gonzalez, L. S., MacDonald, V., & Waterman, J. (2002). Effects of mother-son incest and positive perceptions of sexual abuse experiences on the psychosocial adjustment of clinic-referred men. Child Abuse & Neglect, 26(4), 425-441. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12092807
  5. Kluft, R. P. (2011, January 12). Ramifications of incest. Psychiatric Times, 27(12). Retrieved from https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/sexual-offenses/ramifications-incest
  6. Osborne, T. (2015, August 7). New research sheds light on sex abuse committed by mothers against their sons. ABC News. Retrieved from https://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-08/new-research-mothers-who-sexually-abuse-their-sons/6679102

Lower view of professional woman walking on a rainy cobblestone roadEvery January since 2004, National Stalking Awareness Month has taken place to raise awareness of the impact stalking can have on its victims. Below are some stalking statistics and facts that highlight just how detrimental stalking can be to a person’s safety, mental health, and emotional well-being.

If you are being stalked, stay alert and reach out for help. Making sure trusted friends or family members know about the situation is a good idea, as is documenting any evidence of the stalking and reporting the incident to your local law enforcement.

Stalking Statistics: The Big Picture

Statistical Risk Factors for Being Stalked

How Stalking Impacts Victims

Stalking on College Campuses

Stalking and the Justice System

Facts About Stalkers

It’s normal for stalking to cause strong feelings of fear, anxiety, and even anger in those who are targeted. Working with a compassionate therapist can help you overcome trauma and other mental health impacts of stalking.

References:

  1. Ngo, F. (2018). Same-sex and opposite-sex stalking in the United States: An exploration of the correlates of informal and formal coping strategies of the victims. International Journal of Criminal Justice Sciences, 1(13), 230-246. doi: 10.5281/zenodo.1403433
  2. Stalking fact sheet. (n.d.). Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center. Retrieved from https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/SPARC_StalkngFactSheet_2018_FINAL.pdf
  3. Stalking. (2017, July 24). Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973
  4. Stalking. (2016). The National Center for Victims of Crime. Retrieved from https://ovc.ncjrs.gov/ncvrw2016/content/section-6/PDF/2016NCVRW_6_Stalking-508.pdf
  5. Stalking statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://sites.jcu.edu/vpac/pages/educate-yourself/stalking/stalking-statistics
  6. Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (2000). The role of stalking in domestic violence crime reports generated by the Colorado Springs Police Department. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 427-441. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11288939
  7. Quick guide to stalking: 16 important statistics, and what you can do about it. (2017, January 30). National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick-guide-to-stalking-16-important-statistics-and-what-you-can-do-about-it
  8. West, S. G., & Hatters-Friedman, S. (2008, August 10). These boots are made for stalking: Characteristics of female stalkers. Psychiatry (Edgemont), 5(8), 37-42. Retrieved from http://innovationscns.com/these-boots-are-made-for-stalking-characteristics-of-female-stalkers

Closeup of hands held highI had an eye-opening insight during a recent training class. We were talking about the #MeToo movement and trauma that carries forward from one generation to the next. It suddenly struck me that sexual abuse and violence against women was a trauma all women bear. When I shared my newfound wisdom, many of the women in the class nodded and said something like, “No, duh!”

I could have felt embarrassed because I hadn’t understood the depth of the #MeToo movement and the impact that sexual assault has on women as a group. Instead, I felt even more connected to the women in the room. If we haven’t been abused ourselves, chances are we know someone who has. If that person is our mother, our grandmother, or our great-grandmother, we may hold the impact of that trauma in our own bodies.

How Common Is Abuse of Women?

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 35% of women around the world have been physically or sexually abused at some point in their life. Risk factors include low income, less education, fewer job opportunities, and living in communities that value men more than women.

If you are a woman of color, your odds of being abused go up. According to the Department of Justice (DOJ), black women are 35% more likely than white women to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

The WHO and DOJ studies don’t include emotional abuse or childhood emotional neglect, so I have to assume the problem is worse than the statistics show.

What Is Intergenerational Trauma?

How can abuse that happened to someone else affect us? Studies have shown that when you have a traumatic experience, it can alter your body chemistry and even change your genes. As a result, the stress from traumatic events or being sexually assaulted or abused can be passed down from one generation to the next.How can abuse that happened to someone else affect us? Studies have shown that when you have a traumatic experience, it can alter your body chemistry and even change your genes.

Rachel Yehuda, PhD, director of the Traumatic Stress Studies Division at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, studied the impact of stress on people who survived the Holocaust and 9/11. As part of her study, she looked at whether the survivors passed the stress down to their children. When the environment turns a gene on or off, it is called an epigenetic change. Dr. Yehuda found survivors of both 9/11 and the Holocaust passed these changes on to their children.

These traumatic events didn’t just affect the survivors. Dr. Yehuda found that trauma actually changed their children’s genes. The children of survivors showed the same biological and emotional effects of stress from the trauma. They had lower levels of the hormone cortisol, which helps the body manage stress. As a result, they were more likely to have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety. The children’s bodies were affected by trauma even though they didn’t directly experience the traumatic event.

The Impact of Violence Against Women Across Generations

Today, women continue to be the victims of sexual and physical violence. In the United States, we live in a male-dominated society where women often have less power. Having less power can increase one’s risk of being abused.

Recent headlines about Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and other famous men who have been charged or convicted of sexual abuse are only part of the story. It’s not just high-profile cases or ultra-powerful men. One in four women is sexually harassed or assaulted in the military. They are raped on college campuses—23% of female undergraduates report being raped. One in four women in the United States is severely abused by an intimate partner. According to a new study, 81% of women reported they were sexually harassed on the job.

Women who feel helpless in the face of abuse pass that trauma and stress down to future generations.

In this country, women of color have even less power than white women do. Because women of color are a minority, they are often more vulnerable to abuse. Over the course of history, many generations of women of color have lived through sexual bullying, assault, and abuse. Even today, they may be ignored if they choose to say “no” or report the abuse. Women who feel helpless in the face of abuse pass that trauma and stress down to future generations.

Healing and Reason for Hope

The good news, as Dr. Yehuda explains, is that inherited changes work both ways. When we learn how to soothe and manage the symptoms and stress of trauma, we pass that healing down. Even if we’ve experienced trauma, we can create change when we learn how to self-soothe. And our children may be stronger for it.

That being said, self-soothing doesn’t come easily to everyone. It’s hard to manage stress if your body is sounding an alarm even when there’s no danger. This overactive stress response happens for some people who have experienced trauma. We now know it can also occur if your parent was traumatized. Trauma therapy can help you learn how to manage emotions and work through trauma in a safe, supportive environment. You learn tactics that teach your body to return to its ideal level of arousal. When your body learns it’s not constantly under attack, you begin to feel less stressed. If you feel you could benefit from trauma therapy, start your search for a therapist here.

Self-soothing strategies go a long way toward helping you manage the stress that comes with trauma. Learning to self-soothe could also help future generations by supporting genetic changes that make it easier to thrive. But if racism, bigotry, and violence against women and minorities continues, the trauma will also continue to affect victims, survivors, and their children. If we don’t make and create change, the legacy of trauma will continue for future generations of women. It’s time for all of us to do things differently.

References:

  1. Campus sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.) RAINN. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/campus-sexual-violence
  2. Chatterjee, R. (2018, February 21). A new survey finds 81 percent of women have experienced sexual harassment. NPR. Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/02/21/587671849/a-new-survey-finds-eighty-percent-of-women-have-experienced-sexual-harassment
  3. Military sexual assault fact sheet. (n.d.) Protect Our Defenders. Retrieved from https://www.protectourdefenders.com/factsheet
  4. Rodriguez, T. (2015, March 1). Descendants of holocaust survivors have altered stress hormones. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/descendants-of-holocaust-survivors-have-altered-stress-hormones
  5. Statistics. (n.d.). National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/statistics
  6. Tippett, K. (2015, July 30). How trauma and resilience cross generations. Retrieved from https://onbeing.org/programs/rachel-yehuda-how-trauma-and-resilience-cross-generations
  7. Violence against women. (2017, November 29). World Health Organization. Retrieved from http://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
  8. Women of color network facts & stats: Domestic violence in communities of color. (2006). Retrieved from https://www.doj.state.or.us/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/women_of_color_network_facts_domestic_violence_2006.pdf

A woman stands alone on a frozen lake.Sexual assault refers to a variety of crimes that use sex as a weapon. Sexual assault could include rape, incest, child molestation, groping strangers on the street, and other illegal acts.

People who survive sexual assault can experience mental health difficulties that last for years. Stigma can compound the pain of sexual assault, as a fear of stigma may deter survivors from seeking help or reaching out to others.

Myths about sexual assault hurt survivors. They can promote a social climate that makes sexual assault seem acceptable and defensible.

These 12 myths are among the most prevalent.

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Myth #1: Rape, molestation, and sexual assault are rare, or they only happen to a certain type of person.

Fact: Sexual assault is very common and can happen to anyone.

All forms of sexual assault are more prevalent among women, girls, and transgender or nonbinary people. But men and boys are frequently assaulted too. Sexual assault is a widespread problem. Consider the following:

Myth #2: If a person didn’t verbally say no, it doesn’t count as rape.

Fact: Consent is not the absence of a ‘no.’ It is the presence of an informed and freely given ‘yes.’

An analogy to other crimes may help explain why the absence of “no” is not enough. Consider a carjacker who steals another person’s car at gunpoint. The theft victim doesn’t feel safe saying no, so they may “willingly” give up the car. Likewise, a thief who breaks into a house and takes a family’s possessions couldn’t reasonably argue the family consented to the theft because they didn’t verbally decline.

Rape and other forms of sexual assault are no different. This is why many advocacy organizations now talk about “affirmative consent” and “yes means yes.” Sex is not a presumptive right that can only be taken away with a “no.” It’s something a person must ask and receive permission for.

Multiple factors can make it difficult for a person to say no. These include:

Myth #3: Only vaginal penetration counts as sexual assault.

Fact: Any forced or coerced sexual activity can be sexual assault.

Sexual assault refers to a broad group of crimes. Rape is just one type of sexual assault. Other forms of sexual assault include:

Rape does not require vaginal penetration. Most sexual assault advocates urge victims and survivors of rape to weigh their own experiences rather than relying on a single definition. This is because state laws, federal definitions, and medical definitions vary.

Generally, penetration or attempted penetration of any orifice counts as rape. Rape might involve forced anal or oral penetration. Rape could also include forcing a person to penetrate another person. Forced or coerced sexual contact with a person’s genitals is also rape.

Myth #4: A person can prevent sexual assault with certain behavior, such as avoiding strangers or never walking home alone.

Fact: People are more likely to be assaulted by people they know. The only way to prevent sexual assault is for perpetrators to stop assaulting people.

No data has found a link between any specific behavior and a reduced risk of rape or sexual assault. RAINN estimates that seven in 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. Among child sexual abuse victims, abuse often occurs at the hands of a parent or family member.

The University of Kansas recently held an art exhibition called “What were you wearing?” The exhibit displayed the clothes people were wearing when they were raped. It aimed to dispel the myth that clothing—particularly “sexy” clothing—can trigger rape. A Teen Vogue photo spread also features clothing worn during a sexual assault.

Myth #5: It’s not sexual assault or rape if the assailant and victim are already in a relationship.

Fact: No one has a right to sex. Romantic status and prior consent do not erase the need for current consent.

A person who borrowed money from a friend would not expect to have unfettered access to that friend’s bank account. Nor would a person in a relationship believe that they have a right to everything their partner owns. The right to sex is no different. Consent must be freely given, and it can be taken away at any time—even if a person has previously consented to sex.

Consent must be freely given, and it can be taken away at any time. Someone may also remove consent during a sexual act. Everyone has a right to control their bodies and to avoid unwanted touch or penetration. If the other person doesn’t stop, it’s rape. (When the assailant and victim have a prior romantic relationship, it is called date rape.)

Legal definitions of rape vary. The law changes as social norms shift. Legal standards are not the final word on what is or is not rape. Nor do they determine how someone should feel about an abusive sexual act.

Nevertheless, marital rape has been banned in all 50 states since 1993. Married partners can be prosecuted for forced or coerced sex. Likewise, no state gives a person the right to have sex with someone they’ve had sex with before or with whom they are currently in a relationship.

Myth #6: Boys and men can’t be raped, and women can’t be perpetrators.

Fact: Boys and men can be raped, and women can be rapists.

Women and girls are more likely to experience rape and other forms of sexual assault than men and boys. Indeed, many analysts argue the threat of sexual assault is a way of controlling women. Yet sexual assault is also common among men and boys.

The CDC reports 1 in 6 men experience sexual violence during their lives. 1.7 million men have been raped. Certain groups of men are more likely to experience sexual violence. Those include:

Most research suggests male survivors are typically victimized by other men. Yet a 2017 data analysis suggests 28% of male survivors are raped by women alone—not women acting with other men.

A person does not have to penetrate another person for it to be rape. Women can overpower men and force them to have sex. They can use coercive methods, power imbalances, and weapons to extract sex. Women may also use so-called date rape drugs, including alcohol.

Data on male rape survivors is mixed and often contradictory. This is due in part to the stigma associated with being a man who has been raped. Some men worry that being raped makes them gay, weak, or less of a man. Stigma can prevent male survivors from seeking necessary help.

Myth #8: False rape and sexual assault reports are common.

Fact: Fear of negative attention and stigma causes people to under-report sexual assault.

Most data suggest false reports of sexual assault are rare. The rate of false reporting for sexual assault is similar to, or lower than, false reports of other crimes.

Further complicating matters is the fact that rape stigma may cause a report to be labeled false when it is merely unsubstantiated. If the assailant and victim’s testimonies clash, and there is no other evidence available, a police officer may assume any sexual activity was consensual and mark the report as false. Due to a backlog of rape kits across the nation, producing physical evidence can be difficult.

People who are raped or sexually assaulted may feel embarrassment or shame. These feelings can make a person reluctant to report the crime. Thus, many sexual assaults go unreported. According to RAINN, out of every 1,000 rapes:

In other words, less than 6% of rapes result in an arrest. Only 0.006% of rape survivors see their rapist incarcerated.

Myth #9: People claim they were sexually assaulted for attention, money, or other personal gain.

Fact: Most people who report a sexual assault face a wide range of personal consequences.

There’s little social status to be gained from reporting a sexual assault, especially one that didn’t happen. At every level of reporting, a survivor often encounters skepticism, victim-blaming, and rape myths. A survivor who sees their rapist prosecuted may have to answer intrusive questions about their sexual history or deal with badgering from a defense attorney. They may also have to cope with public fallout and scrutiny.

People who tell only friends and family about a sexual assault can also experience a lot of fallout. This may include:

These reactions can damage a person’s self-esteem and isolate them from a community. Without social support, a person’s trauma may take longer to heal.

Myth #10: It is impossible to get pregnant from rape.

Fact: A woman is just as likely to get pregnant from rape as she is from consensual intercourse.

Data on rape-related pregnancy rates are limited. This is because many women do not report their rapes. Some may feel that a non-consensual sexual experience “doesn’t count” as rape.

As with consensual intercourse, the odds of getting pregnant depend on many factors, including:

A 1996 study of American women estimated 32,101 pregnancies result from rape each year. For Americans, the overall pregnancy rate among rape victims was 5%. Meanwhile, a 1998 study of Ethiopian teens who were raped found a pregnancy rate of 17%.

Myth #10: If a rape really happened, the victim would report it immediately.

Fact: Victims delay reporting for many reasons.

It can take many years for a victim to come to terms with their experience. Some do not want to accept that they were raped by a family member or loved one. Others fear personal or professional repercussions. In some cases, the rape or sexual assault occurred when the person was a child who was unable to safely report the abuse.

Sometimes a high-profile story or social movement encourages a survivor to report. For instance, women began coming forward about alleged assaults by Bill Cosby when other women shared similar stories. Standing alone, these women were often disregarded or ignored. When more than 60 women accused Cosby of assault and rape, it became more difficult to ignore them. A similar situation occurred regarding producer Harvey Weinstein.

The #metoo movement may have also encouraged some survivors to share their stories. When one person shares a story, it offers evidence that another survivor does not have to stand alone.

Myth #11: Rape has to be very violent or involve a weapon to ‘count.’

Fact: Rape can be coercive or occur under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

State laws vary, but no state requires the use of a weapon for an attack to qualify as rape. An assailant may overpower or threaten a victim. The victim could decide that fighting back is too dangerous.

Simply because a rape “could have been worse” does not mean that a rape doesn’t count. The victim may also feel so frightened that they are unable to fight back. Intense moments of stress cause some people to freeze rather than fight or flee. So victims may appear to be passive when they are really so frightened they are unable to think or move.

Some victims feel their rape was comparably less “bad” than other rapes. Simply because a rape “could have been worse” does not mean it doesn’t count. A rape without a weapon can still warrant treatment or prosecution. All forms of sexual assault can be traumatic and have consequences that may last for many decades.

Myth #12: Rape is just bad sex.

Fact: Bad sex can be disappointing, frustrating, and unpleasant. It is not traumatic. Rape is not just a variation of normal sex.

The effects of rape can be catastrophic. Victims may experience depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress (PTSD). Their relationships may suffer, particularly if loved ones do not believe or support them. They may feel humiliated and ashamed.

Some rape survivors live in fear of being raped again. This anxiety can be compounded by public scrutiny and harassment. Rape can affect a person’s career, relationships, and overall well-being.

Some victims experience physical injuries and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Others might become pregnant. Managing these aftereffects can further compound the trauma of surviving a rape.

Therapy can support survivors recovering from sexual assault. A therapist can help someone cope with overwhelming emotions and talk to loved ones about their experiences. A therapist may also treat any mental health concerns that arose from the trauma. Therapy can be a safe place to receive support from someone who understands.

References:

  1. 2014 national street harassment report. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/our-work/nationalstudy
  2. Bennice, J. A. & Ressick, P. A. (2003). Marital rape: History, research, and practice. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(3), 228-246. Retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/publications/abstract.aspx?ID=201457
  3. Contrera, J. (2018, February 20). A wrenching dilemma. The Washington Post. Retrieved from ttps://www.washingtonpost.com/news/style/wp/2018/02/20/feature/decades-worth-of-rape-kits-are-finally-being-tested-no-one-can-agree-on-what-to-do-next/?utm_term=.f9f3181458f7
  4. Findings from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey [PDF]. (2015). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportFactsheet.pdf
  5. Friedersdorf, C. (2016, November 28). The understudied female sexual predator. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/the-understudied-female-sexual-predator/503492
  6. Gilbert, S. (2018, April 27). The cost of accusing Bill Cosby. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/04/the-cost-of-accusing-bill-cosby/559073
  7. Holmes, M. M., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. L. (1996). Rape-related pregnancy: Estimates and descriptive characteristics from a national sample of women. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 175(2), 320-325. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8765248
  8. Mulugeta, E., Kassaye, M., & Berhane, Y. (1998). Prevalence and outcomes of sexual violence among high school students. Ethiopian Medical Journal, 36(3), 167-174. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10214457
  9. False reporting overview [PDF]. (2012). National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved from https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2012-03/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf
  10. Perpetrators of sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.) RAINN. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence
  11. Reporting rates. (n.d.). RAINN. Retrieved from https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates
  12. Romeo and Juliet laws. (n.d.) Legal Dictionary. Retrieved from https://legaldictionary.net/romeo-and-juliet-laws
  13. Scope of the problem: Statistics. (n.d.). RAINN. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem
  14. Stemple, L., Flores, A., & Meyer, I. H. (2017). Sexual victimization perpetrated by women: Federal data reveal surprising prevalence. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 34, 302-311. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1359178916301446?via%3Dihub

Person with short dark hair sits on bed in robe looking out open windowThere may be many emotions to sort through after experiencing sexual trauma. These emotions are typically painful, so it is natural to want to avoid them. The problem is, these emotions don’t tend to go away—they fester until you allow the time and space to work through them.

A common cycle of emotions after surviving sexual trauma is: (1) guilt and shame, (2) blame and anger, (3) grieving/mourning, and (4) fear and anxiety. This cycle by no means captures everyone’s experience after a trauma but is a general outline of common reactions. Let’s consider them in more depth.

1. Guilt and Shame

There can be a lot of secrecy surrounding sexual trauma. Victims who come forward are often made to feel like they did something wrong. Some are advised to keep their experience quiet. People often blame the victim by outlining things they “should” or “should not” have done.

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Survivors of sexual trauma may internalize these messages and feel guilt and shame. They may replay in their minds the things they could have done to prevent or escape the trauma, even if they couldn’t have done anything differently. They may feel guilty for having not stopped the abuse and ashamed for having been a victim of it.

Learning to challenge these messages is one of the first hurdles of trauma treatment. Treatment at this stage focuses on self-compassion, understanding, and most importantly: accepting that sexual trauma is never the victim’s fault.

2. Blame and Anger

Along with guilt and shame come blame and anger. Many times, survivors of sexual trauma will blame themselves for what happened and will direct anger at themselves. They beat themselves up with critical, hurtful, and mean thoughts and comments. Some may even engage in self-harming behaviors such as cutting as a coping strategy.

A goal at this stage of treatment is to separate responsibility from blame. Again, no matter what happened, it is never a person’s intention to get abused! Treatment focuses on challenging the blame; challenging the hurtful, critical thoughts; and learning to look at things from a new perspective and generate healthier, more adaptive thoughts. The blame and anger then shift to the perpetrator, as it should.

Unfortunately, many people become stuck at this stage, fuming in anger and unable to move forward. Anger can make us feel more in control. When we are angry, people listen, do what we say, or leave us alone. There is power in anger that makes it hard to let go of. There can also be a fear that if one lets go of the anger, it means it was okay that the trauma happened (of course, it’s not!).

Over time, chronic anger can lead to isolation, loneliness, and depression. Treatment focuses on validating the anger, understanding why it’s there, recognizing anger as a protective warning sign, and learning to manage it before it escalates into verbal or physical aggression.

3. Grieving/Mourning

Grieving can help a survivor of sexual trauma to get unstuck and begin to move forward. There may be many things to grieve: loss of innocence; loss of childhood; loss of feeling safe; grief over mistrusting others and always feeling like something is “too good to be true”; grief over loss of time (for school, relationships, jobs, or time spent self-medicating and in depression); and grief over “what could have been.” Grief can make us feel helpless, powerless, vulnerable, and weak.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving. The more you try to avoid it, the more out-of-control your emotions may feel. You may begin to fear crying or “losing it” when something triggers you. A common complaint is “overreacting” to small things. But remember, your body is not just reacting to the most recent “small thing”; it is also reacting to all the stressful events you experienced and stuffed away.

Unpacking, unstuffing, and letting it all out is part of the grieving process. It is especially important that you set up a support system and a regular schedule of self-care activities. Treatment at this stage focuses on helping you establish the space, time, support to grieve and mourn. Treatment also helps you learn how to manage intense emotions so you are the one in control, not the emotions.

4. Fear and Anxiety

After working through the guilt, shame, blame, and anger, and taking time to grieve and mourn, many survivors of sexual trauma are left with a feeling of emptiness. All those emotions that were stuffed away used to take up that space. Now that they are gone, many ask, “Now what?”

This phase of treatment focuses on building a life worth living. It is important to fill that hole with new relationships, activities, goals, and emotions, as staying in that empty place can put you at risk for becoming depressed and isolated. This process may bring a new set of challenges, as people—regardless of whether they have experienced trauma—generally hesitate to step out of their comfort zones to try something new.

Trying to build a new life tends to raise many fears and anxieties. Fears that your efforts won’t work, that others will reject you, that your most critical thoughts were true. Anxiety about going to new places, being out in crowds, starting relationships, and trying unfamiliar things.

Treatment at this stage attempts to help survivors of sexual trauma learn how to face their fears; to set healthy boundaries; to problem-solve and work toward specific and measurable goals; and to manage the natural anxieties that come with trying new approaches.

Conclusion

There is hope after sexual trauma. Recovery is possible. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, but it is the first step in learning to trust yourself and the recovery process.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Whatever the nature and scope of your trauma, this is a time to remind yourself that you are not alone. Many colleges, hospitals, and groups throughout the country are holding walks, fairs, clothesline projects, rallies, and other events. Look one up in your area, discover the community you deserve, and contact a therapist if you want support.

Photo of black leather handcuffs, blindfold, flogger, and rope on flower petal backgroundYou consider yourself an open-minded therapist. As such, you feel ready to accept and understand almost anyone who walks through your office doors, whatever concern or issue they bring in with them. But what happens when a person you are working with mentions a practice you are unfamiliar with? Your natural tendency may be to ask the individual to elaborate and help you understand the nature of what they have brought up, until you get the chance to do some research of your own.

Individuals who practice BDSM may be able to help you better understand both what the practice means to them and any impact, positive or negative, it might have on their relationship and/or life, but each person and couple’s experience is unique. One individual cannot, of course, help you understand what the practice means to others you might see in therapy.

Of course, while people may seek therapy for reasons related to BDSM practice and/or its effects on their relationship, they are just as likely to seek therapy for unrelated reasons. The purpose of this article is to help you become familiar with what to look for when working with BDSM-practicing couples or individuals—and to help you avoid assumptions and stereotypes.

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What Exactly Is BDSM? 

BDSM serves as an umbrella term or combined abbreviation that refers to “bondage and discipline,” “dominance and submission,” and “sadism and masochism.” It can describe a wide variety of erotic practices and/or roleplaying involving one or more of these or related interpersonal dynamics between consenting adults.

Some individuals and their partners might incorporate BDSM into everyday life or live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7, while others maintain BDSM practices only in the bedroom. Some might also practice certain behaviors typically identified as being part of a BDSM lifestyle, such as collaring (putting a collar on one’s partner) or practicing sexual dominance and submission, without fully identifying with BDSM culture. There are many subgenres of BDSM, and individuals may choose to practice in any number of ways.

Distinguishing Intimate Partner Abuse from BDSM

When a person’s information about BDSM is primarily limited to sources outside the BDSM community—movies, books, news, and pornography that may or may not be thoroughly researched–it may be difficult to understand the difference between consensual and safe BDSM practices and “BDSM play” that is in actuality abuse.

What’s often left out in media and popular culture depictions of BDSM is the single most important aspect of BDSM culture: consent. Therefore, in order to truly understand the dynamics of a BDSM relationship, or a relationship characterized by the practice of some aspects of BDSM, one must have the curiosity to look “behind the scenes,” or past what is readily apparent, and seek to truly understand what is happening.

We are often only shown the provocative parts of BDSM, a strategy designed to keep our attention that is not dissimilar to the way pornographic films rarely show protection steps such as putting on a condom or flushing the bowels. When movies or TV portray BDSM practices, we do not often see a discussion of safe words, the amount of safety preparations necessary for activities such as rope-binding, or aftercare following a session of intense activity, in which partners reconnect and offer verbal, emotional, and/or physical support to each other.

Forms of mainstream media often inaccurately portray BDSM relationships, and misinformation about BDSM culture prevails in part due to the amount of attention these false depictions of BDSM culture receive.  Take, for example, the novel and movie series 50 Shades of Grey. The publication of the novel sparked interest in the BDSM community, but unfortunately the series doesn’t accurately depict BDSM culture. Thus, many consumers of the book and/or movie are left with a false representation of a BDSM lifestyle.

Christian Grey, the character who plays at being a dominant partner in the series, exhibits a number of abusive behaviors not condoned by the real-world BDSM community. For example, Christian engages in non-consensual stalking and threatening of the female character, Ana. In one scene, he does not stop when Ana says “no” to sex but continues his sexual advances. Not only does ignoring a partner who says no (unless this is an activity for which prior consent was obtained) go against BDSM culture, it is also rape. Another significant indicator of abuse in the series is the contract Ana signs at Christian’s behest, which states she cannot speak to anyone about what happens between her and Christian. If their relationship was one based on communication and mutual respect—as all relationships should be—there would be no need to silence and isolate Ana. Many partners who practice BDSM together do have written and/or verbal contracts, but these generally exist to outline hard limits and practices both partners have consented to.

Now that we have explored some ways BDSM culture has been misconstrued by outside sources, let’s discuss a few ways you, as a helping professional, can bring this awareness into your practice.

It’s important to remember that abuse can still happen within the context of an established BDSM relationship, and abuse assessment is still an essential step of intake when beginning to provide treatment to a new individual or intimate partners.

1. Bruises don’t always mean abuse

As therapists, we have most likely been trained to look for certain signs of abuse, such as long sleeves, a malnourished appearance, and particularly bruises. In some BDSM relationships, however, bruises are common and may even be cherished and/or displayed proudly by their wearers. If you notice bruises on a person you are working with, it is always important to assess where the bruises came from and whether their origin was consensual, accidental, or from unwanted physical violence.

2. Consent is key

You may be wondering about the line between an abusive relationship and a BDSM relationship, as they both involve what we may consider to be “abuse” in both mental and physical forms (striking, paddling, insulting, belittling, or controlling another person). As mentioned above, the key difference here is consent. In a healthy BDSM relationship, there is open communication between partners about what they want, and a contract outlining what is permissible and consented to as well as any limits, commonly exists between willing participants.

The following examples provide further clarification on communication and consent:

3. Assess for Abuse Individually

I always advocate for individual abuse assessment with every couple. Couples who practice BDSM are no different. I believe it is a good idea to, during intake or shortly after, set time aside to see each partner individually in order to assess for abuse.

It’s important to remember that physical and sexual abuse can still happen within the context of an established BDSM relationship, and abuse assessment is still an essential step of intake when beginning to provide treatment to a new individual or intimate partners. The above example with Nikole and Terry could very well happen in an established BDSM relationship.

4. Seek to Understand

You may be feeling somewhat uncertain or at a loss when a couple who practices BDSM or lives a lifestyle characterized by BDSM practices walks into your practice for the first time. You may feel a flutter of nervousness when a person you are working with informs you they practice BDSM. Hopefully, the topics discussed in this article have helped you feel better equipped to address this topic in the therapy room by providing you with some insight into what to expect and what follow-up questions to ask.

However, even if you consider yourself to be an all-around expert on BDSM culture, you still will not necessarily be familiar with exactly what BDSM means to each person you work with, as every individual and couple defines their relationship and the aspects of it that relate to BDSM differently. The only way to truly understand is to ask what BDSM means to them and how they incorporate BDSM practices into their relationship. Every answer will be different.

Reference:

  1. Kolmes, K. (2015). An introduction to BDSM for psychotherapists. The Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy. Retrieved from http://societyforpsychotherapy.org/an-introduction-to-bdsm-for-psychotherapists

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. I’m in my forties now. Neither of my parents is in the best of health, and I don’t know how much time left I have with them. They don’t talk to each other. I’m on good terms with both of them, though closer to my dad.

I was visiting my mom a couple of years ago when she told me a bombshell of a family secret: my dad had been sexually abused by a pastor as a child. This went on for years, apparently. It seems my mom is the only person in our family he has told about this—assuming she is to be believed. I add this qualifier because she has a history of creating drama. I have not known her to outright lie, however.

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I am inclined to believe her, as I know my dad was raised in a devout, church-going family and he has never been one to be very open with his feelings, emotions, or past experiences. If he was indeed abused as a child, I think it’s likely he’d hide it from his children, out of what I would imagine is a deep sense of shame.

It’s my empathy and compassion for that shame that has kept me from saying anything to him these past couple of years. One the one hand, I really want him to be able to talk about his past with me. Part of me thinks that by talking about it, he might be able to make peace with it (assuming he hasn’t already) and perhaps have fewer regrets as the end of his life approaches. On the other hand, I don’t want to push him into talking about something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about. The one thing I am sure of is that he’ll take this to his grave if I don’t bring it up. If I do bring it up, I would not be surprised if he denied it.

What are your thoughts? Should I try to get him to talk to me about this? —Hurting for Him

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Hurting,

What a fascinating question—and touching, since your empathy for your father is so obvious. I’m moved by how you want to help him find peace with what sounds like a pretty awful betrayal and abuse of trust. As the film Spotlight illustrated, it’s terribly painful when “God’s ambassadors” are the ones perpetuating such psychological and/or physical injury, which can leave scars for a lifetime.

I suppose my main question is: whose peace are you actually seeking? It sounds as if you are nagged by the question or impulse to help him. My question is, and I mean this in a deep sense: how come? This is not to sound skeptical; I just find it’s helpful to understand one’s own impulse to help. There are times when, in my own experience, the relief cuts two ways—one for the other person and two for ourselves, since we are troubled by such a disturbing disclosure.

Wanting to help our parents as they grow older is one way many of us want to “give back” for what we are just now beginning to appreciate. It sounds as though you have an intuitive sense of how this might be bothering your father. I also wonder if your mother told you because she either was tired of carrying such a secret herself all these years or was hoping you might find a way to approach him. Did she say this to you in confidence, or is she okay with you bringing it to him?

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

I would still advise you to pause a moment to gently reflect on your motives and feelings. What are you hoping might come of an honest conversation with your dad? If he has never really dealt with it, it’s unlikely one conversation will clear it up. It might—or it might stir up all kinds of complex feelings around what happened. He may feel anger at the perpetrator and those who failed to protect him as a boy. It’s also possible he doesn’t know how he feels, or harbors deeper feelings that may arise in a conversation and take time to process (which doesn’t mean “don’t do it,” just that he might say no before he says yes, or say no and want to reflect on it himself).

He may also have feelings about your mother disclosing this to you. Again, I don’t know anyone involved or the dynamics of the family, but sometimes there is an unspoken need among family members for a secret to come out in the open, and sometimes there is conflict around it. He may chuckle and say, “Oh, your mom …” or he may become angry about having his secret spilled.

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

Is it possible your mother wants your dad to discuss it while he is reluctant or outright disinterested? Are you then concerned about your mother’s distress? Is your mother enlisting you as a kind of stand-in for her own pursuit? The “drama” you allude to regarding your mom might be a way for her to attract attention while avoiding her own feelings or vulnerability.

If any of this is true, keep in mind the risk of wading into a longstanding struggle; sometimes adult children are the “power brokers” or go-betweens in such situations. This has its benefits and risks, naturally. I recommend considering the downside of stepping in, along with the potential benefits. It’s also true any decision you make will have potential ups and downs, and there is often no easy choice. I sense you care deeply about both of your folks—and at the end of the day, provided you move with empathy for all involved (as best you can), this is what matters most.

Should you decide you’d like to try discussing this with him, I would broach the topic gently and see if he wants to discuss it before specifics are introduced. You can come from a place of your own concern, even curiosity, about his experience, and ask if talking would help him—rather than coming at him with a pre-decided or firm intent to help (which can be received as critical, if a person hasn’t asked for it).

I often encourage people to ask, “How can I help?” before deciding for the other person what’s needed or how it ought to play out. (Not that you’re doing this.) I often ask people in therapy (or even loved ones) if they want suggestions before offering my own advice. It surprises me how, so much of the time, people just want to be heard, validated, understood … so they don’t feel so alone in their struggle.

Of course, you may hit a wall with him. He may resist and then come around, or he might surprise you by being open right at the start.

If you decide to broach the topic, the key is to be honest with him about your love and concern for him. It’s a bit of a tightrope, wanting to be transparently honest without falling into “you need to do this, dad” when the motivation may be your own anxiety. One thing to consider is whether some of the shame and darkness you imagine he’s feeling is, possibly, what you are feeling. It’s painful and difficult to think of a person you love being harmed in such a way.

In short, the “lead” as they say in journalism is your love and concern for him, your empathy, in compassionately considering him and his (conscious or unconscious) struggle, and your wanting to lighten the load. One of the most loving things you can do is to ask if or how you can help with all this—if you decide to talk to him. (If this is a real hot button between your folks, it’s also okay to recuse yourself.) Let him decide whether he wants to open this door wider or at all, or would rather leave sleeping traumas be.

I hope, whatever happens, he will be proud of a son who cares enough about his dad to take a risk.

Finally, please know there is no “perfect decision” in such cases. Often, in the messiness and muddle of human affairs, we simply do the best we can. Sounds to me like you’re a good son trying to do just that.

Thanks so much for writing!

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

Rear view of hugging female friends sitting in the parkThe dreadful memory may rush to your mind in an instant: taking a phone call from your child, partner, or friend and learning they were the victim of rape or sexual assault. Your mind may still be flooded with questions months or years later, and you may be struggling to move on from what happened even while doing everything you can to help your loved one move forward.

The support of friends, family, and significant others is essential to rebuilding trust and reducing shame in the aftermath of sexual trauma. In fact, loved ones are often the primary sources of support if a victim is not yet ready to seek therapy or explore other paths of healing.

As a friend, partner, or parent, you may feel lost or concerned about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Perhaps you wonder how to proceed with a conversation that may hold a great deal of pain for both of you. Consider the guidelines below on how to best provide nonjudgmental empathy, compassion, and support to a loved one who was raped or sexually assaulted.

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1. Let the Details Emerge at Your Loved One’s Pace

You may want answers: “Have you told the school administration?” “Do your friends know who the attacker is?” “Were there any warning signs that this was going to happen?” “Was there alcohol involved?”

Your loved one may not have even considered these questions, however, or may still be in a state of shock. Although answers may help you understand what happened, the focus should be on providing support for them. Also, consider how it might feel to be questioned in this way—it might evoke a sense of blame or guilt, as though a person could or should have done something differently to avoid the incident.

Let the details unfold naturally, on your loved one’s terms, and keep questions to a minimum. Recognize your loved one will share the details they find important to tell you—on their timeline.

2. Check In … Gently

As a psychotherapist, I hear many instances of rape survivors feeling disappointed that their friends or family no longer ask how they are doing in coping with their trauma. The most common reason for this seems to be some variation of, “I don’t want to bring it up since I know it upsets you.” It can indeed be upsetting, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be processed.

Simple check-ins without prying for details—such as “I’m thinking of you today; how are your therapy sessions going?” or “Is there anything I can do to help with what you’re feeling?”—may reassure your friend, child, or partner they have your support. Although you might feel like you’re protecting your loved one by not asking how they’re doing, consider the possibility you are only protecting yourself from your difficult feelings while they are still struggling with their own.

Gentle check-ins can remind your loved one you are still an option for support, even months or years after the incident.

There is no “right” way to process and heal from sexual assault—for the survivor or for you. By providing gentle and nonjudgmental support for your loved one, you support them in taking back control.

3. Respect Their Choices, Even If You Don’t Understand Them

The best path to your loved one’s healing may seem obvious to you: “Take some time off of school, join a support group, press charges, and incorporate healthy activities!” This might be how you might choose to heal and move forward, but there is no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with trauma.

A large number of sexual assaults go unreported, and for a host of reasons: the victim may fear retribution, dread the thought of facing their attacker in court, or feel ill-prepared to have their most difficult life event publicized. By pressuring your loved one to handle things your way, you inhibit their ability to choose—an option that was also removed from them at the time of their rape or assault. It can be painful to re-experience this when a person is seeking support.

There is no “right” way to process and heal from sexual assault—for the survivor or for you. By providing gentle and nonjudgmental support for your loved one, you support them in taking back control. Remember: this person told you for a reason, and that reason was likely that they trusted they would receive unconditional love and empathy from a person who cares.

Your healing and processing are important, too. Be sure to practice self-care strategies and/or seek support from a therapist if you are struggling to cope.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.